feel the fear and do it anyway : exploring embarrassment

Okay guys, I'm back. Sorry, I went through a swirly phase there where I couldn't even think about my podcast and that was obviously because I had put out there that I was doing a live show, which I honestly forgot that there's like stress involved with that. And I didn't realize how much like emotion and how kind of like, I guess I think it made me realize a lot how much I like don't believe in myself because I think if you see someone doing something like that, you'd expect them to be like very sure of themselves, but I was the opposite. I really dated myself, but I know that it will be a really good thing for me to do. So I'm going to start this podcast and get it out of the way because this is genuinely why I've been ignoring it. Like obviously, I put out that I was doing a live show two weeks ago and I have like six tickets left. So I'm really excited about that. I can add more tickets if I want to. I captured a certain amount, but I'm going to see if I can sell these six tickets and then we'll go from there. So I'm doing a live show on the 17th of April, which is in Dublin in the racquet space and I have a really fun show planned and I can now say that to you guys after I've kind of processed my feelings towards the show. So I had like this big sob story, like big huge sob story to why this show like men so watched me and why I felt so bad about it and like what it meant to me, but I actually then bumped into two of my friends who I don't see often and they're just the best. And I was chatting to them about the show and I had this really bad mindset. I was like, oh, I can't really talk about the show. I was like, they were like, oh my god, like you're doing a live show. And I was like, no, I really can't speak about it. I'm so embarrassed. Like please don't bring it up. And the person that I was speaking to, let's just say they're a rock star. So they stand on stage in front of thousands of people and they were like, have fun with this. And do you know when it's like you needed, so I needed something for me to see the other side of this show. And it was like the most unexpected person to show me that side. And it was just like a passing conversation that actually changed my whole mindset. So I started off being like, oh, I have this massive sob story, which like when do I not? Now I'm like, oh, I'm just going to have fun with it. Like I'm actually really excited. Like I have such a fun show plan for people. And it's so impressive that I like have six tickets left. So like I need to stop thinking about the emotion behind it because of course there's going to be emotion behind it. I did want to, I don't want to be like digging up all graves here. That's not my intention at all. But like there is like a feeling and like a reason to why this is so such a big deal for me. So basically the last, so I obviously have a lot of a lot of experience in live shows. Like I've done live shows before I have some really incredible experiences such amazing memories. But there's also like the last memory that I have of live shows is me pulling out of three sold out live shows, which one was in Dublin and two was in Galway. And I have carried around this guilt with me for genuinely two years because of me having to pull out. And I know that like you sometimes have to make these decisions and not every decision is going to make everyone else happy. Like you have to sacrifice things and I sacrificed a lot of people for myself because I had to. And that's why I need to do this show. So obviously with all that emotion, you know, I have really great experience doing live shows. And I hated the fact that my last kind of memory of a live show was that. And like honestly every time someone mentioned the word live show or anyone mentioned anything to do with a podcast show or a show. Like my skin would crawl. Like I would actually feel like shivers. I would have a I have like a fear of this because I just associated with that time and that memory and like I remember when I pulled out of those shows, I like received so many abusive messages and it was just like this whole thing. And I carried around that guilt with me for so long because I knew I disappointed a lot of people but I'm glad I had I'm glad I did it because I needed to do it. Like it wouldn't have worked out for me well if I did it. But yeah, I hate the fact that that's my last memory because I have so many incredible memories from doing live shows. So yeah, I just need to like rewrite history in that sense. And I also feel like this need or this one to like explain myself about this show, which I don't need to explain myself about anything ever. I don't have to explain myself to anyone. But I have this like feeling that like I need to be like I need to say this because I just know that I don't know. I this me doing this show is not like another chapter of my life like this isn't something that like I'm going to do continuously like this isn't the start of something new. Ryan said to me the wisest person I know he was like this is you closing a chapter of a book that needs to be closed. He was like this is not you starting something new. This isn't something that I'm going to like aspire to do. I'm not going to try like you know work my way up to get bigger venues. This is not me trying to you know get into that world. This is me closing a chapter because I genuinely have a fear of this. Like this is something that I've like gone through so many obstacles and hurdles and this is like the final piece of that puzzle for me to just move on with my life. And I just carried this guilt around with me for so long that it's not that you know me doing this doesn't change the past but it changes my feelings and experience. So like the next time I think of a live show I'll think of my own one. I won't think of the time where I was getting abuse of messages or I won't think of the time where I disappointed a lot of people. Do you know I'll think of this one. So it's basically I'm facing a fear of mine but it's scary like it's so scary like I'm actually terrified. I feel much better about it now but I am scared you know. I also know I don't have to say this but it's also a feeling of this is not to you know try compete with anyone else. I'm not trying to compete with my live past live shows. This is not I'm not doing a live show with any malicious intent like this is literally just for myself. This is to prove to myself that I can do this. This is to prove to myself that I am capable of doing this and and if anything it's proving to myself that I have confidence within myself because I realized when I put that out there I was like oh I have no confidence in myself. I don't believe myself at all and I was actually being really mean to myself about this. So look I'm not trying to sell this show to you. I'm just telling you I don't know why I feel the need to explain myself. I think it's a really scary thing. I'm putting yourself out there in any way is terrifying and it's made me grow so much more respect for people who do this often or like it's made me realize that I need to show up for people more in person like if I see an artist that I like and they're doing a show somewhere like show up for them or if I see someone who's doing something out of the norm like I don't know your friend has started PT training you know share their thing support their thing and because I know that it means so much to me when people support me and like I think my relationship with social media is a bit weird at the moment. I'm gonna say something and you guys will not believe me. So I have gotten TikTok me the girl who honestly I was so scared of TikTok and I have such a bad habit of this and I will call myself out first. I am the worst person to pre-judge something that I've never done because it scares me because it intimidates me like I will have a judgment made on something that makes me anxious or intimidates me because that's just the way I am and it's such a bad like defense mechanism but I do that and I know that it's a red flag and I need to stop it but I had this image of TikTok in my head that I was terrified of it. I was so scared of it. I was so scared that like all I heard was bad stuff like all I heard, anytime anyone related TikTok back to me it was like did you see the comment section? Did you see this person got bullied? Did you see this horrible video about yourself? Like even there was videos about me on TikTok and like like stuff about me in comments sections and stuff and like it just like was a fear of mine. Like I was just so scared of it and I think recently since I've started to fill my podcast or put out clips I know I haven't done many like I've done two but it genuinely is like changing my relationship with Instagram and I know this is such a like a first world problem like it's so embarrassing that I'm even talking about this but I hate the vibe on Instagram these days like it doesn't feel good it doesn't feel like a good vibe and I didn't realize TikTok was like judgment free. I had no idea that like obviously if you get on the wrong side of algorithm it's always going to be judgment but I did not realize the amount of people that I knew that were coming onto TikTok and like chatting to the camera but you would never expect that because I follow them on Instagram like I was always like I've always felt behind and I feel like I'm a little bit like I'm in with it now and I'm like oh okay So I can be myself I can post something that I'm feeling like I'm a bit of a sap right like I'm a sapy person like I'm a gooey-mochi person and like the amount of times that I Sorry One of my pages fell off the wall there I don't know is that a sign for something Anyway, gave me such a fright um, I'm like a big sap and the amount of times that I've like wanted to make like cute little videos like you know The videos that you see like just videos of like I don't know like me admiring Ryan cooking in the kitchen like really Sappy videos being like my men's the best man And like I would just stop myself because I'd be like that's embarrassing like posting that in Instagram is embarrassing And now I'm like guys my whole mindset has changed like I feel like this is me getting TikTok is like opened Another side of my brain like it's open like a creative side of me that I'm like I don't have to hide who I am anymore. I can be whoever I want to be because TikTok doesn't make you feel like There's a million people you know seeing your stuff and ignoring you like I have no followers on TikTok I have about 20 and I'm just like posting whatever I want and I don't feel this like embarrassment or I don't feel like people Are watching me judging me which like at the end of the day I Know that we can get in a bit in our heads about these things and like that is definitely something that I do and like I think I have it in my head at the moment that this is happening with Instagram like at the end of day No one's thinking about me no one is thinking about me But there is something that I've noticed and it's people are so less likely to support you these days unless it's trendy Like unless you are taking off and you are the next big thing People will not support you and if you are or if you become that then you'll find people come out of the woodworks and It's just really disheartening because I feel like Instagram has so much potential and like it's a platform of like it was made for Connection communication collaboration and I feel like it's going backwards. I feel personally that like Back in the day, it was just a normal thing to support people like I found that you wouldn't be surprised that people were supporting you But now I feel like it's like a privilege to be supported and like of course I'm grateful and I'm not saying that like I'm not saying I'm not grateful or anything but it feels different it feels like I'm Yeah, it's weird. I know that sounds kind of weird to say like because obviously it is such a privilege to be supported by people But like it also shouldn't be a case of like Being surprised that people you know have liked your stuff or like commented on your stuff like it's so weird how There are there is that vibe out there now that people will tactically scroll by your things people tactically won't Communicate with you or connect with you because yeah, I don't know there's millions of reasons of why and I do know that one of the reasons why is probably because people are sick of People doing things like yes, it's oversaturated out there. I totally get it. I understand it completely It's there every second person is trying to sell you something you have no idea who is really being genuine and you don't know like You just don't know the boys Sorry, oh my god so many things keep falling off the wall But I feel Because now that I've taken that extra leap and I've started to film myself doing my podcast and I'm putting it out there And you can see me doing it now so it's kind of opening a door to a Whole new layer of criticism which I think I've always feared and I feel like when you see someone doing something and you can see them talking People are more likely to judge you like for me. It's easy to hide behind a podcast like you can't see me and you listen to it But you know you'll listen to it, but you're not watching it on a screen So that means like you can't comment on what I'm looking like or what I'm saying or what I'm wearing but now that I've kind of Opened up that door and I've started doing this. It's really changed my relationship with Instagram and I feel embarrassed and It made me realize how important it is to be supporting your fellow creators to be supporting things like you may not be interested in podcasts Like you may not be interested in my podcast But it takes two seconds to give it a quick like you know what I mean? You may not be interested in DJ music. I'm saying DJ music. Okay. I love like music But you may not be interested in tattoos But if your friends doing it and you see someone who has a business like support us Do you know what takes two seconds? There's this video that I've seen on Instagram or yeah, it's on Instagram and I reshared it on my tattoo page And it's this guy and he's like I can't believe I have to say this but if your friends are making art Consumers if your friends are making music listen to it if your friends are doing this Support it and I feel like I can't believe we're at this stage where you have to be reminded about that because It's only getting tougher out here. It's only getting more competitive It's only getting like my industry at the moment like I don't think my industry was ever very friendly But it's definitely more competitive now because the industry is like struggling and I don't I don't find that like many tattoo artists would support My work, you know what I mean like and that's fine boss it's hard to I don't know it's hard to have that positive attitude Putting yourself out there and not feel that fear when There's an app that everyone's addicted to and they will like I don't know not use it for what it's for like Yes, there's people out there that you might not like me and that's okay. You don't have to like my stuff But there are people out there that I Don't know. I don't know. I just I don't know. I'm getting into this now But I hope you understand where I'm coming from I think when I put myself out there to do that show you the messages or the support or the comments like you just really appreciate that I know it's not the be all or end all like it's if anything it's first world problems But it's it's what makes the world go around like surely Supposing each other and like I don't know I don't know surely like that is Do you know what right? I was doing this interview recently With the gorgeous girl we were on the phone and she was doing a magazine for her school her for her college And it was like they had a few creative people in They were interviewing a few people and she asked me a question along the lines I can't remember word for word but it was like if you can think of the future what would be the sound and what would What would you hope that the sound the feel and the feeling would be? And I said to her my feeling would be That moment when you're on a dance floor and the beat is like a boat to drop and you're all there to do the same thing And for like that millisecond you're all a Unis you're all together and you're like and the beat drops or like that feeling of like When you're on a dance floor and someone your favorite song comes on or a song that you love and you see people Turning around to their friends being like I love this song or turning around to strangers being like I love this song This is why I love going dancing and going to festivals so much because when you're on a dance floor For those moments or though that amount of time that you're on that dance floor We are all equal and we're all from different walks of life. We're all from different parts of life different age groups Different views but in that moment we are all equal and that's why I love it so much because there's no superiority No one's on their high horse. We're all there to do the same thing to dance. We're all dancing to the same beat We're all there with the same interest, but we're all completely different people and that's why I love going dancing That's why I love festivals so much you come across people that you will never ever meet on a day-to-day Because your paths just don't cross but you both have a similar interest and that's dancing It at a festival or at a club and it's one of the most beautiful things ever But I'm like why is it so hard to find these days like why is that feeling only there like oh it's I know that like Virtually doesn't make sense because you can't get that feeling, but let me tell you like when people you know For example, okay, there was a club in Dublin that was closing that got like a core case sent against it It was like a hotel came in and The hotel took like years to build the club has been there for years and the hotel sent like what's it called? Basically tried to get the club closed down and like when I mean Dublin became a unit Everyone was out protesting everyone was sharing it people who would never be friends We're out supporting the same thing and I'm like why is it? Why does that have to be about something so bad like why can't we do that all all the time like why can't we just like I? Don't know I've become this like fucking freak on Instagram like I've started like sharing people's things I've been commenting on people's things. Like people I don't know, I'm texting them, we're applying to their stories. I'm letting them know that I see you and I think you're deadly because like, what's the point in this app? Like I don't understand if we're not going to communicate with each other and collaborate and connection like what is the point? So I've made sure I've made it my mission to make sure if I see things on Instagram that I think are cool or I think that is impressive or I see people just like doing their thing to let them know I see them and I think that they're deadly because it's so important. It's so important and it makes such a difference. I know I'm like giving out here because and I'm not I'm not saying like oh my god you all have to support me. I'm not saying that at all but like I think about this daily where I'm like if I started my tattoo page now when like I started my tattoo page eight years ago. This was way before TikTok way before reals. It was ages ago. I don't think I would get the same support now because it's too competitive. Instead of applauding me for doing it it would be people would be feeling intimidated I think and like look I've said this before and I'll say it again I am a broken record but I think it's important to constantly remind people like we're all humans here. I'm not a perfect human at all and I have gone through you know you know negative thoughts. I've definitely had some red flags in me. I'm literally a human but I will tell you the story because it is definitely something that I didn't notice at the time I was doing but when I reflect back on it I was that person. So when I started tattooing obviously like I was a bit chit. I still have a bit chit but like I'm a bit chit in my own way. I found it really intimidating when other tattoo artists came on the scene because I didn't feel comfortable within myself and I didn't find that I was confident in myself and my work. So instead of feeling good and like applauding other artists for coming on the scene I found it intimidating and that stemmed from completion security and like I know that there is an element of that as well with this whole people not being able to support people because it basically is a reflection of what you think you can't do yourself. It's like a mirror and it always ends up being like if something really really I hate this word but if something really triggers you and you see someone doing something and if that's them taking their phone out and talking to the camera that's deep rooted babe that's not just because they're doing something that annoys you. That's because you feel like you couldn't do that. That's because it's something that you could never imagine yourself doing. Do you know? And I'll hold my hands up high like I was a very insecure person. I'm still not the most confident and I think people can get confused like you can not be insecure. I'm not like insecure deeply insecure anymore but like I'm still like not the most confident. Excuse me. Excuse me. Fuck you know spring has sprung when I start sneezing. I woke up oh sorry that's horrible. I woke up at 5am this morning. 5am because I was covered and it's not like it's so bad. Okay hang on I need to blow my nose and I don't know how to pause this on my new camera so I'm just gonna blow my nose. Hang on. Sorry give me one second. Okay time back sorry. Boah what god what was I giving out of it? Yeah anyway look it's just a bit anyway it's just a bit shit it's a bit disheartening and especially when you're kind of doing something different or like you feel uncomfortable doing it like I definitely know that the more you post and the more you do this the less uncomfortable it gets and I saw this tick-tock the other day and it was like exposure therapy it was like the more you click that little button down below of like making videos posting things the more comfortable you will be and I feel like tick-tock is that place for me now guys like I feel really comfortable like I'm obviously terrified of getting on to the scary algorithm so I but I feel like this is going to be like a new version of myself and like look I think the start of the year as you know I was telling you that I was going through some some shit and thankfully that's all over now and I'm happy to say that that ship has sailed and both and like look I'm not going to get into details but it's but it was basically see I'm gonna work at the moment so I need to whisper book it was basically landlord's being fucking tickets the landlord was being a fucking dickhead and I thought I was gonna have to leave my studio and that was the worst thing I could possibly start my year with like that's my career like that's my that's my livelihood that's everything like I have such an emotional connection to it and I went through so many emotions to write this time like I started hating my studio started hating coming into work and I always prided myself on loving my job and loving oh I have the hiccups sorry the noise is that commanded me from daily basis sorry anyway I think I'm losing my trying to thought here because I'm getting really distracted because I feel like people are listening to me I hear voices no I'm just in work at the moment I never do my podcasts and work but I just I feel like my head's been so scrambled recently between the show and like thankfully work has gotten really busy and it's been really busy the last like two weeks so I'm yeah just trying to like get back into that routine and like I'll openly say that like when I was going through all of this like my work wasn't busy so yeah it was just all and all a shit time and I think I really set myself up for failure because I was like prompting on about the year of the horse and how amazing it's gonna be and how yeah like all these best things are happening like Chinese New Year all this but bollocks and I think I really set myself up for failure because I was I just set my expectations so high that this year was gonna be amazing and like January and February like January was great because I went to Thailand and I had a great time but I also was going through this thing and like I had this like major uncertainty in my life and like I just felt really stuck like I felt like I was like stuck in the mud and like whenever I get stuck in the mud it's so easy to compare yourselves to everyone else and it's so easy to like look at everyone else and look at everyone else's life and be like oh my god like you're this and you're doing that and like I'm doing this and I'm here and like I can get very like I can get like a wallow and that and I also think like comparing yourself with anything like even the likes of me doing my show like it annoys me so much because people are like why are you so nervous like why are you so scared like you have plenty of experience like you got this and I'm like yeah but this is totally different like this is it's not gonna be like my old experience like this is a brand new experience like yes I have experience of being on stage or like I love being on stage I studied that for in college you know what I mean I went to theater college like it's something that I'm not scared of being on stage it's like I'm scared of all the other emotions and everything else connected to it and people are like oh my god like why are you so nervous and I'm like you just don't get it but it's also frustrating when people are like oh my god like you've done this before like you have experience in that I'm like every single thing you do is a new experience like you know what I mean you like I can do a tattoo yesterday a tattoo today brand new experience you know what I mean still doing the same thing but it's a completely different experience so yeah I feel like when we compare ourselves we kind of yeah I don't know that word failure has been really prominent in my head the last two months because I had this feeling that I was gonna have close I thought I was gonna have to close my business close my studio I was trying to like all of this mad stuff like I think that was a bit dramatic of me like I'm that there's no reason why I thought I would have to close my business but like I just couldn't see myself anywhere else and I was just like oh my god like this is all happening like happy fucking new year to me and I was like I had that attitude I was like oh great like what else and but thankfully throughout all of that I did learn that lesson of like wow I like like live my life really chaotically like I live my life really sorry we know this is leaking hi on thankfully throughout all of that I learned that lesson and I realized that like the way that I live is not normal and it's not healthy and I need to be able to find peace within that chaos like especially just like you know in a day to day but also in a general sense like in the future like when I have kids like I can't crumble the way I usually do and it's such a bad bad habit of mine so I'm glad I'm not glad of what I went through when I'm glad that I was able to learn that because I didn't realize that until then like that was the most biggest like stress like the uncertainty of it like it was totally out of my hands so yeah now that that's over and that's done with I've jumped into something completely different that's giving me anxiety but I did promise myself that the start of this year like even though it didn't go to plan for me I promised myself that I was gonna do things that made me scared and I was going to jump headfirst into fear and anxiety because I have a lot of that, I have a lot of fears and a lot of anxiety and instead of like running away from us which I've been doing so much in the last few years, I'm just going to go straight into it so me doing this show is like facing a fear so it's it's going to be scary but I know that the one thing I will say about me doing this show is no matter what the outcome I will never be a failure because I've tried and those are the great words of Miley Cyrus the Disney legends she said if you try you will never be a failure so I need to like kind of retrain myself I can be really really mean to myself like in in in intervals like I can like I go up and down but definitely when when times are when times are bad like I can be really mean to myself but I have grown a major major admiration I've grown major add okay I definitely need to stop this now in a second but I've grown major admiration for myself because I'm looking at what I'm doing and I'm like that's really fucking scary putting yourself out there is scary you think that this comes naturally to me because they look like a natural I'm absolutely not like as I said people would turn around to me and be like oh my god how do you do a podcast like that's so scary and I'm like that's actually second nature to me it's so easy to hide behind a podcast but now what I'm doing like filming and like putting clips out like that's scary to me that's something that I fear that's something that makes me uncomfortable and instead of avoiding it because I've been avoiding it for like two years now because it's something I've always wanted to do I'm just going ahead first in it and I'm using my new camera that Ryan got me for my birthday he's so cute he gave me my birthday present and goes it's time you step it up a notch so it's so cute as well like how supportive he is with that kind of stuff like it's like a really good camera it's like deadly and it's so easy to use so well I mean it's I'm only for your day how to use it like in the last couple of days I've not had it for nearly three weeks but it's just yeah he's really supportive with that kind of stuff sometimes I like fear I'm like am I embarrassing do I embarrass him for like no obviously not if he's buying me stuff to keep me doing things like this and pushing me even further but yeah I guess like we can get so caught up in our like fears and anxieties and like when you go towards them you'll realize they're actually not as big they're not a big of a deal as you toss and yeah I guess if you can take anything from this podcast face those fears like guys me doing this shows like the biggest fear of mine like you have no idea you know the way like if someone has like a fear of spiders and you'd say always all spider last night and they go oh I feel like that when I hear the word live show like that that's the way I feel like it's a proper fear so yeah I mean this shit does not come easy to me this shit I makes me so anxious makes me so scared but I know I'll be so proud of myself and I know that feeling when I've done it I'll be like I actually did that and as I said it will rearrange the whole thoughts of the way I felt towards that show it's rewriting history and when I think of live shows I'll think of that so it's a very mature thing that I'm doing but I also feel much better the last few days I don't know guys to all my non astrology listeners like close your ears but like mercury isn't is out of retrograde and I can feel the difference guys like I actually can feel the difference like I was not okay everything felt very chaotic and so I'm feeling a bit better I'm glad that's over and yeah I guess have a gorgeous spring face those fears go towards this and I mean I guess that's like what I guess like I'm year of the horsing without realizing I'm like charging straight forward into these fears anxieties and that's what a horse would do I'm subconsciously year of horsing like the year of the horse is forcing but like I'm just doing it subconsciously like because it never actually said it was gonna be good it just said it was gonna be intense and fast and quick and I don't think I've like really taken time to process this that like now I have but like when I booked the show I had the thought like for like literally a day and then I booked it like I didn't process it at all I think that's what like the year of the horse is meant to be it's meant to be like fast pace and quick and just yeah I guess like going in head first and not head first may not necessarily be good but it's still anyway look I'm actually talking right now I need to go I need to go home I've been in works for so long I've been here all day I mean normal people do that but like me particularly I've left work and come back so I need to go home but anyway guys thanks for being patient with me there's some tickets left in my bio my show is on the 17th of April in Dublin the racket space if you want to come please do if you want to support me I will I will I will not forget us I will not forget it trust me I do not forget this shit and I really appreciate all the supports so far the lovely messages I can't wait to meet the people who I've been messaging who for years about my podcast I can't wait to meet you guys in person so yeah anyway um sending my love okay goodbye