Speaker 1Hello and welcome to the How Not To Screw Up Your Kids podcast. So, pour yourself a cuppa, find a comfy seat and enjoy the conversation. Today's episode, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, is a bit of a tribute and a bit of a salute to Susan Jeffers, who in 1987, she wrote her best-selling book, Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway, which has gone on to sell millions, millions of copies. And Susan was a psychologist and basically in her work over decades, basically studying fear, she found that beneath all fear lies the belief that we just won't be able to handle what happens to us. And so I thought this was a really useful episode to talk about, to really help our children, our teens. And hopefully ourselves as well, with that, you know, that narrative that we get, find ourselves in around, I can't do, that whatever the situation is that we're facing, whatever the problem that we're facing, that we simply don't have the capability or the ability to manage it. I'd often quote Henry Ford's famous quote, but this idea of, you know, whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right. And the crucial bit about Henry Ford's quote to me is all around this thinking, because fear manifests so much in the thoughts that we have about something and the anticipation of it and our belief system, which comes from the thinking, from what we say to ourselves, that we're just not going to be able to manage that particular situation. So I wanted to tackle this from the sort of the perspective of the work that Susan Jeffers has done. So in lots of ways, fear is very much related to anxiety. And one of the things that I've found is that fear is very much related to anxiety. And one of the things that I've found is that for some, being able to frame a situation or a challenge from that perspective of fear can actually feel a little bit easier to be able to navigate and to manage, and particularly for young children, rather than getting too caught up in this narrative around anxiety. So what I'm going to share with you are in lots of ways, the way that Susan Jeffers sort of attacked the book as such, and she wrote it was around these various, these truths around fears. And I think I'm going to tackle it from those five truths, whilst also giving you some specific examples and interpreting how those might be able to be impacted for your children. So let's dive in. And the first truth is fear doesn't ever go away. We're always going to have fear, it is always going to be present, because fundamentally, our brain's primary role is to keep us safe. So it's always going to have moments. And it's always going to have moments where we're going to be able to navigate, and during our lives, where it is going to sense fear, and it's going to sense that we're in threat. Now, we therefore have a choice of either facing it, we either face that fear, or we run away from it. Now, the more that we're, and I guess what we also have to remember is this idea about, so fear is omnipresent. Yeah, it's always going to be there, because our brain's trying to keep us safe. But also, as we navigate our lives, as we move through our lives, as our children move through their lives, they're going to experience and be in situations which push them out of their comfort zone. And so we will experience fear more often when these things happen. So it's crucial for us to remember as parents, this idea that fear doesn't ever go away, that the more our children are pushed out of their comfort zone or experience new things, the more fear they're going to experience, so that we don't, as parents, inadvertently remove our children from situations which they do not feel capable of managing. Because when we do that, what then happens is we reinforce the fear. So for example, when we, it's this idea that we can't, we might, without realising it, facilitate their avoidance. And so what then happens is if we do that, we then reinforce the fear. So we, and what we mean by facilitate avoidance is inadvertently trying to protect and look after our children, is that we sort of allow them to avoid something without realising that actually that that's, that's not helpful. For example, we can reinforce the fear when we speak for our child, rather than our child speaking for themselves. You know, when they don't go on school trips, because they've said that they're too scared of going, so we excuse them from them. You know, when we excuse them from an activity that they don't particularly want to do in any shape or form, you know, when we order for them in a restaurant, when we're trying to encourage them to be able to communicate to people that they don't know. Now, obviously, when I'm talking about excusing children from school trips or activities, or when we speak for them, I'm not saying that as a one-off incident. Obviously, if we've got a child who feels fearful about speaking to people that they don't know, maybe they feel fearful about being away from us overnight, or maybe they don't, the school trip is in it, is doing something that they feel particularly nervous about. There's a difference between helping and supporting a child who feels nervous about something, and feel scared about it, and helping them understand why we're helping them with that, as opposed to simply saying, actually, you don't want to do that, that's fine, you're not going to have to. I'll just take that scary thing away from you, and then you don't need to deal from it. Because it's this idea, I think, if we fundamentally see that being able to feel the fear and do it anyway, promotes growth, you know, promotes confidence, and that every single person is going to be feeling fear to some level. So that, I think that's the kind of the crucial thing to remember. So the first one is fear doesn't ever go away. The second one is that everyone feels fear. So our children are not alone. Even the most confident people that they think, and this is often what happens, isn't it, is that our children will be looking at others and say, they don't, they're never scared about anything. They find everything easy. They never worry. I'm the only one that does. But it's really important when we talk about this idea about people being courageous, they're not courageous because they don't feel fear. They feel fear, but they do it anyway. They do it despite the fear. And I think that helping our children understand that narrative is really crucial. And part of the way that we can do that is, you know, how often do we talk about our fears and the strategies that we're using? And I think that's really important. And I think we need to talk about the strategies that we use for doing things anyway. How often do we remind our children about the things that they used to be scared of, which they do now, over time that they've kind of built that confidence? I think being able to have regular conversations in ordinary, natural opportunities to do that rather than long sort of lectures as such with our children, I think that's really important. And I think that's really helpful as well. So the first one is about fear doesn't ever go away. The second is that everybody feels fear. The third is being able to recognise that any change or new situation will create fear. Because fundamentally, our brain wants to keep us safe. And because it wants to keep us safe, it really likes predictability. And I think it likes sameness. It likes routine. So the minute something comes up that isn't predictable, that isn't the same as we've done before, that isn't part of our usual routine, it's likely to trigger a bit of a red flag. And what I would say with these sort of situations is rather than us waiting for the change to happen, and then it's like, oh, goodness me, there's fear, is instead, can we anticipate it? Can we talk to our children about it? How it might make them feel that it's normal, and then find ways to practice in advance. So for example, school transitions are a classic trigger of fear, as is moving up a class, moving house, going on holiday, maybe even the school holidays at home, because that's a change for the routine. The more your child loves a routine, or loves that familiarity, or that predictability, or that fear, the more they're going to feel fear. And so I think that's really that sameness, the more likely any change will push them out of kilter. And so it's really helpful we can then anticipate that, because we're then preparing them for it. And I would also say that if you've got a child who really thrives on routine, who really is pretty wobbly when anything is out of the ordinary, then I would almost say, don't wait for a change, don't wait for a new change. Create change regularly at home, initially, that allows them to practice that. Routine is really great because it's predictability, and children do flourish within that. But if you are aware that you've got a child that can be a bit rigid within that, and that they really then don't cope particularly well, maybe they've got particular routine about things, which makes it really difficult for them to spend the night. Even with you, anywhere else, because they don't have all of their things with them and their predictability. I think when we can see that and we can sense that with a child, then it can be really helpful to mix things up, randomly decide to mix things up. You don't have to do it in a systematic way or every single week, but I do think it can be really helpful if we do that, because if we can do that in the safe space that they have at home, that is their sort of happy, comfortable place, the easier it then becomes when an enforced change or an enforced new situation comes in, because then they've been able to already practice those skills. Remember, this is feeling fear and doing it anyway, is all about new pathways and flexing those pathways and that muscle in the brain that allows them to experience that difficulty and yet still work through it. So you know, I think it's really important to do that. Yeah, I think it's really important to do that. It's recognising that fear doesn't ever go away. It's that everyone feels fear. It's understanding that any change or new situation will create fear, because that's what our brain likes to keep things the same. The fourth thing is the only way to get rid of fear is to take action. And that is quite, that feels often quite scary. That's often where the paralysis comes in. But it is so true, because the buildup of fears, in our mind is often much worse than the thing itself. We imagine all sorts of worst case scenarios. We start telling ourselves all sorts of untruths. It's why, you know, we end up with a physiological response that we do. We increase heart rate, sweaty palms, shaky legs, butterflies. And this is exactly what's happening with your child. The longer they avoid the fear, the more it grows, which is why this idea about exposure, therapy, or just simply exposing yourself to a scenario which makes you feel fearful, is so crucial. You know, the more exposure we have, the more we experience that level, a certain level of fear, the more we are going to be able to push through that fear and doing it. Because pushing through the fear is usually less frightening than sitting in the anticipation of the fear. So it's all about the fear. And I think that's a really important thing. And I think that's about action rather than inaction. And I know that that is a really, can feel so unbelievably scary for children and for teens, which is why I talk so often about creating a ladder. So the ladder, remember the idea about the ladder is it takes us from where we are to where we want to be. And each rung of the ladder is about a challenge, a bit of exposure to something that feels a little bit scary that they will. So it's helping them feel, experience a little bit of fear and still be able to overcome so that that then helps practice. And it's about finding strategies that help with those particular, with each of those rungs, because it's this idea of the more we do it, the less challenging it feels each time. So the only way to get rid of fear is to take action. Now, the fifth one, and this is, this links specifically to the fourth one, but doing comes first, feeling better comes second. So the only way to feel better about a fear is to do it first. It does not work the other way round. And this is a crucial one. Waiting until you feel confident enough is simply not going to happen. And this is often the space where we, where our children and our teens find themselves is, when I'm feeling more confident, I will be able to stay away from home. When I'm feeling more confident, I'll be able to talk to people that I don't know. When I'm feeling more confident, I'm going to audition for the school play. When I'm feeling more confident, I might be able to talk to that person and ask if I can join in their game. When I'm feeling more confident, I might be able to audition for something. It's this, that never ever is going to happen. It's this idea that we have to do first. And then that doing helps us feel confident. Confidence grows by doing. It isn't something that happens to us passively. It's an active process. And so this is where I find mantras can be super helpful. Whether that's a mantra that says, whatever happens, I can manage it. Whatever the mantra that is particularly helpful, that specifically addresses the fear narrative, which is building in your mind. The more impactful that is going to be. But it's also remembering to be honest with our children that that mantra isn't going to suddenly make the fear go away. The mantra is just simply that you're the beating drum that is signaling the courage that you're going to have to feel that fear and yet still take action. And I think that for me is probably the crucial piece that I want to make. And I think that's what I'm going to be doing. Worry about anything at all. They do. Because fear is universal. Everyone experiences it, but they do it in spite of it. So just to recap, those five truths are fear doesn't ever go away. Everyone feels fear. Any change or new situation is likely to create fear. Only way to get rid of fear is to take action. And doing comes first. Feeling better comes second. And I hope that this video has inspired you as a parent to maybe take up something fearful for yourself and to work on those five truths, but also feel that you are better equipped to help speak to your child about the fears that they may have and help them to take those first steps and feel the fear and do it anyway. So if you have enjoyed this episode, I would be eternally grateful if you could rate, follow and review this podcast. So that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.
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