Fear of Speaking English? Here's What to Do

There's something I hear every single week, both in the emails I receive and from my students when they first start learning with me. The thing that I hear is this, even after years of studying English, the fear of speaking English is still there, like the fear of freezing or that feeling that all the words you know disappear, the moment you need to speak, or the fear of making a mistake and feeling embarrassed in front of somebody else, the fear of not being understood. Like when the words in your head just don't match the words that you actually say. And if you've had these same fears, you might believe that the problem is you or your English or that your English just isn't good enough. But like my students, you haven't given up. You still try to learn new words. You prepare for English conversations. Maybe you lay awake at night, mentally rehearsing what you're going to say. You might even watch videos just like this one at 11 o'clock at night. So what's happening? Why is the fear still there? Do you just need to study differently or prepare more? The truth is, if studying and more preparation were the only answers, they would have worked by now. Instead, what we need to do is understand the impact that fear has and what helps to overcome it. Because fear isn't just a feeling you have speaking English. It's physiological. What that means is that fear affects your body, your hormones, your cardiovascular system, your muscles and more. Under stress, your body prioritizes survival over language. Fear interferes with the part of your brain that is responsible for thinking about what you want to say in the moment, finding the right words and forming the sentences you need. That fear doesn't have to do this. There are ways for you to take control of that fear. And that's what this lesson is all about. Each of those three fears, freezing, making mistakes, being misunderstood, they all have a different root cause. And that means the solution is different as well. So today we're going to look at each one of those fears separately so that you know exactly what is causing the fear and what to do about it. Now one thing that will really help as you work through this process is to have a low pressure way to start practicing speaking and trying these strategies out. So to help you do that, I've got a free training called how to get the confidence to say what you want in English. And I'll leave a link to that training in the description notes below. It's a great place to begin. So now with that, let's start with the very first fear, the fear of freezing in the moment of speaking. When you freeze in English, it doesn't mean that you're bad at speaking English, that your level is lower, that your vocabulary is too basic. Instead, something else is happening. Let's say there's an unexpected question or a fast moving conversation and it sparks fear. Remember fear is physiological. That means that it affects your body and you might notice that your heart beats faster. Your breathing gets shallower. What that means is you're not breathing deeply. And your muscles get tense. In English, we call this body response, fight or flight mode. It's what happens when your brain detects a threat. And it prepares your body to either fight the threat or run from it to survive. When your body is in that fear mode, fear interferes with the part of your brain that is responsible for language production. That includes finding words, forming sentences and choosing grammar. This is exactly why the feeling of freezing or going blank is real. You haven't lost the words that you know, but in that moment, fear is blocking your access from them. There's actually a name for this. It's called dual task cognitive burden. And it means that your brain is carrying two heavy tasks at the same time. On one side, it's trying to find the right words, check your grammar, and use the right pronunciation in English. On the other side, it's also managing fear, worrying about judgment, and dealing with your racing heart. All of that is too much for a brain to handle all at once. It's a little bit like a computer, with too many programs open at the same time. And so it slows down. Things on the computer start to freeze, not because something broke, but because there's too much running at the same time. So of course, when this happens, when you're speaking in English, it's easy to just stay silent or to think, "I just need to study more." But if you never take control of that fear, if you never learn how to overcome the fear of freezing, then it controls you. It keeps you permanently stuck or frozen in real world conversations. Your brain never learns how to adjust and stay calm in spontaneous conversations. So what do you do about this? Well, first we have to know what not to do. The answer to dealing with this fear is not to push yourself into conversations that scare you the most. When your brain is already overloaded, adding more pressure doesn't help. It just makes the feeling of freezing worse, not better. And the answer is also not to simply prepare more. Preparation is important. Of course, there's no question. But since you're here right now, my guess is that you're already doing that. Again, you're already laying awake at night, thinking about the meeting you have in English tomorrow, or the interview, or the conversation with a teacher where your child goes to school. You're already thinking about what to say. So instead, what actually helps you to have control in these moments to begin reducing that fear is a two step approach. Step one is to calm the fear response. And this means that before you speak, before you answer an unexpected question, for example, you take several slow, deep belly breaths. In this lowers your heart rate, and it signals to your brain that there's no real threat. I know this sounds very simple, but there's a real reason that we tell someone who was frightened to take a breath first. It works because it gives your brain the signal it needs to shift out of survival mode and back into thinking mode. So the first step here, anytime you feel that anxiety showing up, is to first take a few of those deep belly breaths. I love to tell my students to think about their favorite smell. Imagine the way that you breathe when you smell something beautiful. You breathe slowly and deeply, and you hold onto that smell, taking it all in, and then you slowly breathe out. That's exactly what to do at this moment. On top of that, I have a small personal trick. I use when I need to calm down fast. It's a little strange, but whether I'm sitting or standing, I like to curl my toes and kind of press them into the ground. I do this for two reasons. Number one, no one can see me do it. It's totally hidden. And number two, it gives me something physical in my body to focus on so that I'm shifting my brain away from the focus on fear and on to that physical movement. Now I can't promise that this works for everyone, but it does work for me. So it might be worth trying yourself. Now that we have step one in place for learning how to control the fear of freezing, step two is to speak with a framework in mind. If you're not sure what a framework is, I want you to think about what happens when someone asks you a question in English. At that moment, you have to do two things at once. You have to figure out what you want to say. And then you have to figure out how to say it in English. Both of those things are competing for the same mental space at the same time. A framework removes one of those demands. I want you to think of it like a mental roadmap, a simple repeatable structure to help you organize what you want to say before you even need to find the words. For example, if someone asks you your opinion in a meeting, instead of scrambling to figure out where to start, you simply follow a structure that you already know. Here's my view. Here's why. and here's what I'd suggest. You can follow that structure time and time and time again. It's short and easy to memorize. You don't have to think hard about what to say and what order to say it. Instead, you just follow that structure and you fill in the words you need. With a framework in place, you don't have to build your whole answer from scratch. In real time, under pressure while someone is waiting. Instead, there's one less thing competing for that mental space. And when there's less competition for that mental space, the words come more easily. Your brain has more space to find the words you need. But one thing is important here. Frameworks are only the first part of this solution. The other thing that reduces freezing over time is building automaticity. Automaticity means that you can use language, certain words, phrases or grammar structures, automatically. No translating involved, no stopping for a long time to think. It's language that is just there for you. So again, when someone asks for it, you can just say it. When you practice the same frameworks again and again and again, you don't really have to think hard about them. You don't have to remember what the framework is. It's just there. You have it available and that makes it so much easier to just focus on what you want to say and to find the words in the moment to help you do that. Now, in talking about having a framework or a mental roadmap and using it again and again and again to build up automaticity, this is very different from rehearsing with a script. A script prepares you for only one specific moment, one specific situation. A framework with automaticity means the language is always there for you and you can adapt it to different situations. This doesn't require any memorization. It just requires practice. And the way that you can build up this automaticity is by starting small. You can start in conversations or when speaking where the stakes are low. That means there's no real risk involved. And then you just repeat that experience over time. Now, these low stakes conversations or opportunities to speak out loud can happen in multiple places. If you're not ready to speak with others, you can practice speaking aloud on your own. You could practice with a neighbor you feel comfortable with or join a small conversation group where it feels safe to try new frameworks, new language and new ways of speaking. Every time you have one of those low stakes conversations, you're giving your brain evidence that speaking English in front of another person is not a threat. And over time, that evidence is what makes the fear response smaller. It's what allows you to stay in control and not let the fear control you. Doing that with frameworks and building up automaticity, this is exactly what I teach inside my programs. My students get specific frameworks for different situations like whether you're giving an update in a meeting, handling a disagreement or just making small talk. And with those frameworks, we take the thinking out of the equation so that your English can just finally flow. So if you want to know more, be sure to check out my fluency school program. I'll leave a link for the details about that down below. But now I want to take a look at how perfectionism and the fear of mistakes are blocking your fluency. When it comes to the fear of making a mistake, there's something researchers found that might surprise you. Anxious speakers don't just worry about mistakes. They actually change how they speak because of that worry. They use shorter sentences, simpler vocabulary, and they speak at a level that is lower than what they actually know, because it feels safer. So the fear of making a mistake isn't just an uncomfortable feeling. It's actually getting in the way of the English you already have. And something else, the fear isn't usually about the mistake itself. It's more about the moment after. It's a fear of that tiny moment after you've said something wrong, and you're waiting. You're waiting to see how the other person reacts, waiting to see the look on their face. It's the fear of judgment, the fear of sounding like a beginner, or the fear that a mistake is a threat to who you are, your identity, your intelligence. Staying with this fear means experiencing constant self-doubt, looking for mistakes everywhere, and always staying safe with your vocabulary. It means avoiding complex topics of conversation. And that kind of perfectionism, it also keeps you stuck at the very same level, unable to fully express what you want. But if you want to know more about what to do if you're stuck at the same level, I've got a full lesson on that, so I recommend watching that next. But let's talk about what actually happens in most English conversations when mistakes happen. The reality is the other person barely notices. Or they understand anyway, or they simply wait for you to continue after making the mistake. They just don't really care, because they make mistakes too. I have to be honest, this concept, this idea of accepting mistakes in English, this is really difficult for a lot of my students to accept, because not every language is the same. In some languages, the goal in speaking is precision and elegance, choosing the precise word or grammar structure for the moment. But that's not really how English works. That's not our priority. English speakers prioritize their value, efficiency and connection. Our brains focus on the overall idea and context. We listen for the key words, not every single word. The truth is, in English, the bigger communication breakdown is usually stopping the conversation, not making a mistake in the moment. And I want to be clear here, I'm not going to pretend that we don't notice mistakes at all. Of course we do. And if you've ever had someone laugh or say, "I didn't understand," you know that it's a deeply painful experience. What's often happening in those moments when someone responds with laughter or with an expression that they don't understand is that the listener is reacting to the messiness of communication. They're reacting to a momentary break in the connection. More often than not. It's a reaction to that moment, that messiness. It's not a judgment about the mistake. The truth is, even in those moments when those uncomfortable mistakes happen, stopping yourself from speaking doesn't protect you. It just confirms to your brain that speaking is dangerous, creating that threat and sending your body into that panic mode. So with this in mind, I want to talk about what actually helps. What helps you to stay in the conversation even after a mistake happens. This isn't about pretending that it didn't happen. It's not about stopping to apologize. Instead, when a mistake happens, the goal is to simply continue using phrases that help you do that. Some of the common phrases that English speakers use when we make mistakes is, "Let me say that again," or, "Ooh, what I actually mean is," or, "Actually." Now again, these phrases are not about trying to hide the mistake. They're about keeping the conversation going, and that's the point. Because the other person listening to you isn't measuring your English. Instead, they're trying to understand you. And most of the time, if you keep talking, even if you need to rephrase, they will. So if you're not sure about this whole thing, if you're not sure about these phrases, I recommend listening to native English speakers in live interviews on podcasts and in conversations around you. You're going to hear those exact phrases again and again and again. On top of that, I want you to practice them so that you get comfortable using those phrases yourself. And to do this, I recommend a simple activity that you can do no matter where you live. I recommend that you record yourself speaking, evaluate your speaking, and then pivot when you need to. My free training on how to get the conversation going. confidence to say what you want is perfect for this. So really quickly, here's how to do that. Number one, you record yourself for maybe one minute, discussing a topic that you care about. And you can use my free training to give you some ideas of exactly what to talk about. Then, after you record yourself, you listen back. You evaluate. And you find a moment where maybe you stopped for a long pause. Maybe you went quiet or lost your focus. Maybe you froze in the moment. When you identify that in your recording, it's time to pivot. This means to identify a way to say what you want using one of those phrases and then re-record with that specific sentence. When you learn to do this naturally in conversation, you're sending signals to the listener that you're refining your thought so that they understand fully. And in English-speaking culture, being able to restate or refine your words in the moment, this is an assign a weakness. This is a sign of efficiency, clarity, and fluency in the language. And now, let's move on to the third fear. The fear of not being understood. For many of my students, this isn't just about saying the wrong thing in the moment. It's really the fear that if you can't be clear if you're not understood, you'll always be on the outside. So this fear, it's a little different from the first two. Before we talk about what to do, how to stay in control of this fear, there's something you need to do. You need to ask yourself an honest question because the answer to this question changes everything about what we do going forward. When you're not understood in an English conversation, there are several possible reasons and in a moment, I want to focus on two. But before I do that, I want to highlight something very important. Sometimes we are misunderstood because the other person simply isn't paying attention. Maybe they're distracted or having a difficult day. It is not always us who are at fault. Now with that understanding in place, I do want to talk about two reasons you may be misunderstood in English. Reason number one is there is a gap in the skill set. What this means is that there's something you haven't learned yet. And that's okay. Our language development is a process. Perhaps for that topic of conversation, your English genuinely needs more development. Maybe you need to learn new vocabulary for that topic. Or perhaps there's a grammar structure that you haven't learned yet. Either way, in that moment, the way things are getting put together, the way that sentences are getting put together, it needs more work. And if that's true, it's totally fixable. But studying more of the wrong thing won't fix it. What you need to do in that moment is identify specifically what is unclear and work on that. This is where a teacher or a trusted friend can help. They can help you identify what's missing so that you can focus your efforts in building up the skills that you really need. Now the second reason there may be a misunderstanding isn't a gap with your knowledge. It's a trust gap. This means that the language is there. You know it. You can think it when you're alone. You can write it out perfectly. But in the moment that someone is in front of you, that language disappears. Or you second guess yourself mid sentence. And you start strong and then get quieter as you continue and that's when everything comes out unclear. This is not because your English has failed you or that you have a low level. It's because fear made you unclear in the moment. It created self doubt. And that can lead directly to the first fear that we talked about, the fear of freezing. So here's how to tell which gap you might have. I want you to ask yourself three honest questions. Number one, can you write it but not say it? If you can write a sentence correctly, but then you freeze when you try to say it out loud, that points to a trust gap. Question two, do you recognize the word when others use it? But you can't find the word when you're the one speaking. If the answer to this question is yes, if there are words you understand when you hear them, but you can't use them, the problem is access under pressure, not knowledge. And the third question is does your English work when you're all alone? But then does it feel like it falls apart in front of someone else? For example, if you can speak fluently to yourself, if you can practice in your head, even have entire conversations, but then it's all gone the moment another person is there. Again, that's the trust gap. And this trust gap is exactly what I want to focus on. This is what I want to help you overcome because that trust gap, it's like a silence spiral. Here's what I mean. You have the fear of being misunderstood. So to avoid being misunderstood, your brain starts over editing your speech before it even leaves your mouth. You start checking every word, reconsidering every sentence, and all of that monitoring takes up a lot of mental space, the space that you need to actually speak. And by trying so hard to not be misunderstood, you actually become less clear, not more. So over time, you stop taking risks because you're constantly worried about that fear of being misunderstood. You stick to simple phrases. And that's what keeps this trust gap exactly where it is. It never changes. In fact, one of my students spent years working on her pronunciation. She was convinced that it was her pronunciation that was holding her back in conversations, creating misunderstandings. And when I gave her feedback, she responded by telling me she thought, "If she just worked harder on her pronunciation, it would solve her struggles." But it didn't. Because pronunciation wasn't the problem. She had the English she needed and her pronunciation was clear. She just didn't trust it enough to let it out. So how do you close that trust gap? You close it the same way you close the freeze response in fear number one. You give your brain real evidence in real situations that your English works. That means starting where the stakes are low, where there's low risk. You start by talking to yourself out loud, like I recommend in my how to say what you want in English training. The other thing or the next step in closing that trust gap is practicing in a supportive group with guidance, where it's safe to try new language and make mistakes, where you can use a word that you're not really sure about, and someone else helps you use it correctly. And even if you do make a mistake, it's totally okay. No one judges you for the mistake. They just help you use it in the right way the next time. When you experience real communication, you give your brain the evidence it needs that your English works, that you are understood. This is exactly the purpose of my confident women community. It's my English speaking club for women, where developing trust in your English through real conversations is part of the process. Time and time again, I hear women in my community say I finally feel like me in English. So if that's something you've been missing, if it's something you've been looking for, I'll leave a link for details about the community in the description notes. You now know exactly what's happening when you freeze, when you make a mistake, or when you feel like no one understands you in English. And again, these are not signs that you have a low level in English or your vocabulary is poor. It's fear. It's fear that has control over you. And fear is workable. Fear is something that gets smaller and smaller with the right practice. But knowing that isn't enough on its own. At some point you have to take action. You have to speak. It doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't have to be in the hardest conversation you can think of. Instead start small. Take one small step with the recommendations I've shared today. That's where it begins. And don't forget that if you want support along the way, there are multiple ways to get that support. whether it's by continuing to learn with me or someone else. in your English-speaking life. So before we finish, I want you to let me know what is one small step you're going to take this week to begin taking control over that fear. And as always, if you found this lesson helpful to you, don't forget to subscribe or follow wherever you're watching or listening from today. Thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to next time.