Fat Tommy Vs Skinny Tom | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

- Hundred percent. - We dress similar. - Yeah. This is our uniform. - It's the comedian's uniform. - It is. - The comedian's uniform is a black t-shirt. - Do you remember when comedian uniforms was a black collage shirt with jeans? - The collage shirt? - Yeah, that used to be it. - But yeah, you did comfortably dumb like that. - Comfortably dumb and so did Chris Titus. - Yep, Bill Burr, Jim Brewer. - That was the uniform. - And Pete Corielli, we all wore the exact same outfits on our specials. - And that used to be the thing it was like I'm doing the improv this weekend. - Get your button down collar shirt on. - Not crazy? - Yeah. - I used to wear a collar, I used to bring a collar shirt with me. - On a hanger. - Yeah. - Can I tell you when I think you changed? - Me? - Yes. - There is a video you did a very long time ago. It's the most, there's a difference. Like the way fat tom dressed and the way skinny tom dresses? - Oh my God. - Can I, okay, let's put a hold on this. - Holy shit. - Okay. - Hang on, but you did a video, you were doing cone and I think. And you had like a fat guy shirt. - Yeah. - And you were so proud of it. And you did a fat guy dance with a fat guy shirt. - A fat guy dance? - Do you remember the shirt? - Oh, I got the, and it was like a big dog shirt or something. - Really? - Do you remember the shirt you wore? You were doing cone, okay, what late night spots do you? I can figure this out. It wasn't fallen. - Back then I did, I did cone in a couple times. - It was cone in, it was 100% cone in. - And then I did, I think I did Ferguson stand up. - I did stand up on Ferguson. - But you brought your shirt and it was like a short sleeve button down collar shirt. - Yeah, but it was a, and you were, you had it hung up and you were in like, slob closed off stage and then you had like this, like, and you were like, "Oh, I got the dot, dot, dot." - But I did that on camera. You were doing it on Instagram. - Oh, on Instagram? - Yeah, on Instagram. - Okay. - And you had Nike Air Force ones. - Sure, yeah. - That was when you had fat guy uniform. - Yeah, well the thing is, the reason I was probably so proud of that shirt is because it was custom made for my fat ass, you know? Like I couldn't buy a shirt at a store. So I was like, "Hey can somebody make me a shirt?" - What is the part, since I've lost weight, the thing that, what's insane to me is I never was embarrassed of my body fat. Like I never had a lot of insecurities. I just was like, "This is what I look like." - Really? - I didn't get that crazy. - Yeah. - Like I see pictures now and I go, "Whoa, why didn't anyone say anything?" - They did. - Yeah, what are you talking about? - You didn't have any insecurities then? - No, that's insane. - No weird. - Yeah. And then, like that's supposed to be, by the way, the healthy sort of perspective is like, "Hey, celebrate your body whatever it looks like, but no, you shouldn't have." - Can I tell you a secret? - Yeah. - I've never told anybody. - Yeah, please. - I'm gonna get destroyed right now. Do you know who Lindy West is? - Lindy West? - Yeah. - No, I've never heard of that. - Yeah, you have. - I have? - Oh, yeah. - Lindy? - She debated Jim Norton on Kamau Bell's TV show about fat-shaming and she was like, I don't know the right way to say this to her because I was a fan of hers, but she wrote this body positive article that I read and I understood, like in the gayest way possible, I understood. I think she understood her perspective. - A hundred percent is that she came out as fat. She just came out to her family and was like, I'm fat. You need to accept it and stop trying to change me. I don't want to not enjoy Thanksgiving with you people. And I was like, that's what I need. I need people to accept me as fat because I, it sucks when you go. - Well, you did really fucking lean in, like when you were at your fattest, and like I was like, whoa, you'd be like, I'm enjoying my life, man. I like having 16 hot dogs in the middle of the day. - I love it. - There is so much joy in being fat when I got on Manjaro and I started getting sick from my behavior. There was a time where I was throwing up on my tour bus at 2 in the morning and I was like, I haven't been drinking. - Yeah. - It's just food. - Just food, I know. - I leaned into fat earlier than you. - Getting fat? - No, like when I was like, probably getting fat, but also like, oh yeah, I'm fat and that's fine. I leaned in early, but then I, then I did, then I fucking hated it. I was definitely never got, I don't think to your point of like. - We had two different fats. - Two different fats. - Like, you have more like, I'm going to hold it down, let my local hot dog stand, fat. Your fat was like, it was the big, like, sit different fat, like, sit different fat. - Yeah, like your legs would be open and you'd be like, I don't do stairs. There's no elevators here. - Someone just pull up fat pictures of Tom. They're my favorite. - They're my favorite because I don't, I don't recognize that guy anymore. That guy's been dead for so long. - No. - No. - No. - Whoa, that is not you. The far right one makes me. - That was the most popular fat one. - Yeah. - But this one here, that's a special shirt. That's a custom shirt. Bottom left. No, underneath. Go back. - Back a page. Go back a page. - Go back a page. - See, underneath the, that, that's a special shirt. - That's a, that's a custom shirt for sure. - Let me see. To Tom. I don't want to see this. Yeah, scroll to Tom. So can you see Tom? That's fat. That shirt is probably, yeah, that's probably a custom shirt, dude. - Look at that beard. - Yeah, it is. - Teeth of difference. - Yeah. - You're a lot of top teeth in that. - Yeah. - You know that people would, I started to notice this when I would gain and lose weight. They would say that I'd had my lips done, right, because they're like, I can't believe you. You got lip injections. I'm like, lip injections. And I was like, you realize what happened is that my lips are my lips. But when I'm fat here, they look a certain way. And if you shrink me down, my lips look bigger, right? Your lips look bigger if you take the fat of your face out. - It's like when Ralph started losing his hair and I was like, yeah, are you losing your hair? And he's like, no, dog. I'm so fat, it just spread out. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess if you're head, you know, I got hairier when I lost weight. You grew more hair? - No, it just, it got closer. - Oh, yeah. Oh, that makes sense. - Like it was spread out and I didn't look that hairy in pictures. - And then it kind of. - And now it looked hairy. And everyone's like, oh, you got hairier. And I remember when I walked out of a radio station and he was walking in. - Ralphie? - Yep. And he goes, keep losing weight, dog. And I hadn't lost that much weight then. I was like, yeah, he goes, you're going to lose your whole act. You're going to lose your whole act. And I was like, I'm not you. Like, I don't talk about it for an hour. - Yeah. - I was just like, no, he was like, can't, you don't want to do that, man? - It's a good thing he never lost weight. - Yeah, he had an act. - Yeah, he had never lost his act. - He was like, I did three hours tonight. And I was like, yeah. I know. - I did a podcast with him in Joey Diaz that to this day makes me laugh. - Yeah. - Thinking about it. - How would you describe your fat? - My fat? - Like an athletic fat. - Athletic fat. - Yeah, like John Croc, John Daly, just like a fucking, it was hard fat. Here's the thing that's confusing to me is it was tight fat. - Visceral fat? - Yeah, it was, I was really crammed in those organs. And then when I started to lose weight, this was kind of, I texted Jelly about this the other day. - Yeah. - Is like this, like makes me crazy. Like whereas this is not as bad as what that was and this was, but this, I'd never had soft fat. - Yeah. - And I'd see dudes with soft fat, like comics with soft fat and I'd be like, oh, I don't want that shit. And then, and then I years was hard fat. - But I was hard fat. And I liked having a belly, like a hard belly. People would touch me and go, oh, whoa, that's quite as rock. And they'd go, yeah. - Yeah. - You can work out. - It's visceral fat. - It's visceral fat. It's crammed in my organs. - Yeah. - But I started to get around my liver and my kidneys and everything is cool. It's, it's pressing on, it's pressing on my heart right now. - I don't want someone, who is they talking to? - I was talking to my dad, I think, and he was saying, you don't want a ozemic face. And I was like-- - Like that gaunt look. - Yeah. And I was like, do I have it? And he was like, buddy, you're really far from it. - Yeah. I was like, what do you-- - That's like if you lose, like, all your face fat, right? - Yeah. - Like that HIV face. - Oh. Did you know what I was starting watching? This documentary on Patience Hero? Did we talk about this? - No. - Thanks, though. Yeah, if I talk to someone about this, I'm obsessed with Patience Hero. Patience Hero's name was Gait Tom. Hmm. Yes it was. Gait Tom. Gait Tom, Gait Tom, Gait Tom. pull up a picture at patient zero. He was a flight attendant for like, uh, for like air Canada or something. Yeah, and he just flew around fucking guys. Fucking dudes all over. And it's a good, is this good? It's fucking fascinating because they had to track down patient zero. Dom Dougas. Gay Tom Dougas. Oh, it was air Canada. Yeah. And he was out of Vancouver and he Earth Toronto wanted it to. And he was just probably Toronto, I'm guessing maybe Vancouver. And he was just banging around slam and dudes and spreading AIDS. But such that is so crazy to have that be your legacy. Everybody knows you because you spread AIDS. But here's the thing is what's crazy. Not is the patient zero when the when the first guy wrote it, he wrote patient Oh out of standing for out of California, because it was coming out of California, out of California. Who's the guy spreading it out of California? Someone's taking this disease out of San Francisco and spreading it around patient out of California. Everyone read that is patient zero. Scroll that down a little bit. And from patient zero determined, he must be the first person to have AIDS when he was absolutely probably not the first person to have AIDS. Probably someone had to give it to him. Right. But it's really interesting. So look, look at the cluster. Yeah, the cluster is really interesting, huh? So he's zero there. He banged nine, four, three, nine, eight, three, six, one, and 15. And then those people, he spread it to Pennsylvania, Georgia, Texas, Florida, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Jersey. And then New York City, he gave a lot of people in New York City. Well, he he slept with it looks like directly he slept with one, two, three, right? Like three, four and nine there are people who directly had contact. Yeah. And then those like nine gave it to 17 one and 18. And then four, see the four looks like it didn't give it. I think that's what that's implying, right? Well, he was in a wheelchair. Damn. And then all those people died like everybody on this graph. Everyone's dead. Everyone's dead. And then I started getting into AIDS documentaries where I was like watching the spread of AIDS in Kansas City, because it get obviously I'm sure he had a fucking layover in Kansas City. Dozing Kansas City get AIDS and Kansas City was on. By the way, it was, I don't, it was unfair across the world the way they viewed people with AIDS. They were just like they're they're going to give it to you. I had two uncles with AIDS and with AIDS, they were they died of AIDS. Yeah. But Jason uncles, they were through marriage. Uncle Pete married into a family and two of the brothers had AIDS. I think, I mean, one was gorgeous. I mean, beautiful. I mean, he was a stud gorgeous. Got it. And I mean, like, honestly, Putin necklace, jacked feathered fucking hair. I mean, gorgeous. The other one was just like regular dude. I think he was intravenous drugs. And I think that maybe I don't know if they both were, it's irresponsible for me to even guess. But so I knew about AIDS at a young age because I had these two people in my family that had died of AIDS. So I never understood the stigma because I didn't, I couldn't wrap my head around the stigma because I, you know, that was in our family. But the stigma was crazy. You wouldn't, when Princess Diana shook hands with someone with AIDS, everyone was like, oh no, she's got AIDS. Well, there was a thing too is like that reaction was the normal reaction because people just didn't, they did it out of ignorance. Yeah, there's like COVID. Yeah, I mean, but, but like back then, I remember they're like, because I was a kid, they're like, you know, don't share a cup with someone who would have that. If they kiss you, you'll have AIDS. There was a gay, there was a gay club in Ebor City and we were down the street and one of my buddies goes, dude, I just kept it by a mosquito. I got AIDS. I got AIDS. And I was like, what do you guys, they're biting mosquitoes or biting people with AIDS over there and they're bringing AIDS to us. And I was like, we got to get some off. Like holy shit. Yeah. Yeah. And that crazy. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by Bluetooth and they're not just sponsoring the podcast. They're also backing your bedroom performance with their new arousal boosting formula. You'll be turned on mentally and physically. Bluetooth is striving to have both your body and brain picked up. They've combined four ingredients into one powerful solution, Bluetooth gold. 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I mean, I can tell you like, all I do is listen documentaries sober just at the end of the night. I put on a documentary. Anything professional wrestling puts me to sleep immediately. I don't know what the fantasy is, but polio and the Concorde. Those are the last ones. I'll cue you in on the most fascinating thing about the Concorde. They make Concorde. There's four people competing to get the Concorde contract. Air France and British Airways makes Concorde something when people make Concorde. Anyway, it's really expensive to fly the Concorde. And they're like only a certain price point. We're not making any money. And then one guy just says, I wonder, what if we can charge more? Send out like a letter to the guys, the actual guys who have flown the Concorde and ask them what they think they paid. So they send a letter. And all the guys are like, I don't know, like 10 grand. They're like, no, it's three. And they were like, just charge them 10 grand. These are guys who are telling their secretary, put me on the Concorde. They have no clue what it is. The business is paying for it. The secretary is not going to try to find a aggressive price point. So Concorde to make money just increased it to what the guys thought they were paying. That's crazy. That is crazy. I love information like that. That and polio do the iron long. It seems like a real fucking death sentence. That's not a lot of fun. Not a way to spend a summer. Tell us about your craziest summer. Well, I got polio. What was the fattest thing? Oh my god, dude. I mean, there's multiple things like the event where I was like this guy is out of his mind. It was dinner in Tallahassee after the Florida State Alabama. Dude, I was hot that night. No shit, dude. Is it unattractive when I get fire and hot like that? a lot of episodes and I regret, I regret that I put out on the internet how passionate I got about stupid shit. You were really on, I will not share how hot you did get. I will never say not loud but I've said some things I regret. You said some real crazy things but the way you were consuming everything was unhinged. You ordered I think 10 appetizers for the table and everyone was like okay and I saw you just inhale and then you ordered yourself four dinners you ordered four entrees right and I was like what is that you're like you got try this. You had like a steak a pasta thing like your own fucking ham and then like another pasta and you were just ripping through that with the booze you probably had 20 doubles that day. Yeah it was fucking. Oh I'm amazed at how much I could drink in a day. I didn't expect it on. He was like he didn't I don't think he loved this but he was like you know I used to drink a bottle of vodka in a day and I was like what size? He was like what do you mean what size? You got fucking handle. If it's a handle then it's an issue but like I could probably go through a handle easy and it's you probably could. Yeah and then I was like porosos comes in three sizes the small bottle yeah I crashed out in the evening I wish I had one right now. I wish I had one right now. That's good. And then but yeah I would love to say that I'll never go back to that in the future but there is something that I really do love about that like overeating like I like overeating. Well yeah I mean I like eating. We went to David Chang's restaurant in downtown the one that's in like the it's like in the in the like warehouses. I forget the name of it. Everything he fucking makes was incredible and I wasn't drinking so I was just eating. Yeah it's and I was going after it. I always have to pull myself. You know like we have sushi so much and my boys love sushi and we're always and so every time I order sushi I realize that I just order so much I always feel like I stuffed the gills. So like we'll order we'll eat and then two days later we go back and I'm like I'll remember like I ordered too much last time so I I pull it back but I'm also wondering. And then I go I finished that meal and I'm like that's too much. I feel sick. I keep reducing what I order based on the last time and it's always too much. Kyle will you please order me sushi? I want sushi for lunch and sashimi. Can I Ila made me laugh so hard we went down to spend time with her at college. Yeah. And she made me laugh so hard but it was in what she was saying was idiotic but it was in the way she was telling it and I was wondering because we've talked about this before and I think this is the difference between a bad storyteller and a good storyteller is sometimes you'll hear a bad storyteller and they'll say like do you know what I'm saying or and then you understand what I'm like they'll almost like clutter up their sentences with words or their energy is a tad bit boring or we've talked about this was stand up right I sent you someone stand up and I go this all works out on paper but I'm not laughing yeah yeah yeah and we were like there's no jazz to it there's no like freedom. So reason like chappelle can go up and literally light a cigarette and you're fascinated. Well yeah and there's something about chappelle when he talks it's his rhythm or it's his sometimes like the excitement someone has for a story they're I'm reminded tell you I'll story but the lian told me a story that she heard Bill Hader here tell and then someone did a video of Bill Hader messing up the original story but all the trickle down the story just got better because the thing you're married to is the original person is not interesting the second person just remembers the interesting person the third person remembers only the thing that made them laugh yeah yeah yeah have you heard the story about David Lee Roth meeting Henry Rollins no is this the story they're talking this is I'm gonna retell Bill Hader's retelling of the story because it's your memory it's so good yeah yeah because they have Henry Rollins telling the original story and when Henry Rollins tells it it's not good it's not interesting and it's unremarkable okay so I'll just tell the story so the Henry Rollins was telling this story that he met David Lee Roth and he was doing morning radio and it was like you know six a.m. and a morning zoo something and he goes in and David Lee Roth is fucking on one he is in a huge fucking floor to shoulder jacket and Henry Rollins is like a big fan of David Lee Roth and he's like sees David Lee Roth coming out and he's like diamond Dave like I'm such a fucking fan and David Lee Roth swings open his jacket and it's filled with booze and he goes hey man you want a beer and Henry Rollins is like notoriously sober yeah and he's like oh no I don't drink and David Lee Roth goes what's the matter you got school later so I just fucked up the original story I just fucked up head and Bill Hader tells it it's really good I would say I even told a better than Bill Hader because I'm not married to anything Henry Rollins tells a story and it's so long winded and so boring that you're like sometimes someone else should tell your stories huh you know yeah yeah and and so I'm going to tell a story eyelids hold me and I'll make it better and I will go that's not what happened it doesn't matter that's also very you though yeah you're also very much into it doesn't matter I made it I made it better doesn't matter it's are we moving forward is is is is everyone entertained that's kind of your thing though and yeah and Leanne will just sit there and go that's not what happened I go shut up just shut up yeah bless you no don't say that okay they sneeze by themselves in this office never mind hey I take that back I tell you about the time I was drunk on a plane and I fought someone sneeze and I just turned around and I'm like God bless you and then I realized it wasn't them and then I turned to the next person thing it must have been them and I'm like God bless you now it looks like a lunatic blessing people yeah yeah yeah so I love we're sitting at the kitchen table and we're all ordering getting a coffee we're all making a coffee now the insufferable thing about me is you're at a place no no we're at her place we're all making coffee okay and I said because I learned this on a documentary that I learned sober I'll be more interesting when I drink a promise I said do you know why we drink coffee and I think it's to wake up I went no it's because of tea we had the British the Boston Tea Party and they taxed tea so to fuck them we were like fuck that we'll drink coffee so then that's why we drink coffee is because Britain drank tea and all the fucking people were like fuck that fuck tea we'll drink coffee that's why we drink coffee and Ila cash goes I think about that Boston Tea Party sometimes that must have taken forever and I go to mean she goes for them to make all that tea to throw it overboard like they're brewing tea let it steep a minute like turn it off it's ready it's ready and I like because I only brought one cup I like fuck this is going to take forever with one cup get more cups like I gotta go back to my house and we were laughing so hard and then I re-told it she goes it's not what I said no it doesn't matter yeah it doesn't matter everyone's happy does it matter like what is fucking life but but just a memory right so let the memory be fucking awesome yeah it's like this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp we talk about mental health more openly now at least I do I do way more than I did when I was younger I wouldn't even talk about it to my dad but asking for help can still feel hard and better helps latest research confirms it better helps 2026 state of stigma report interesting title surveyed 2000 Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so it is so true I remember when I first said I wanted to get help it took me a while to trust a therapist it did I mean my first three therapists I think it was like I was trying to break up with them the second I sat down and then I got one that really worked 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The sooner you switch, the sooner you start saving time and money, get started with ship station today and get 60 days free at shipstation.com with the code word cave, that's shipstation.com code cave, shipstation.com code CAVE, taxes and fees apply. - That's very, that's a summary of how your mind works. - Yeah, yeah. We're only here for a second. What does it matter? - You like to take it up to a fantasy level. - Yeah, it's what, you know, it's like, I have a little bit of Hulk Hogan in me, 'cause Hulk Hogan told you how he wanted you to feel. I hope I get to meet Nick or Brooke Hogan one day and just go like, hey, I just want to defend your dad a little bit, like, I loved it, I loved it. Like when he was like, some, have you seen the documentary on Hulk? - No, I've been meaning to them. - It's fascinating. - Really good, 'cause he's like, he was like, oh, let me tell you something, man. Andre, during WrestleMania two, Andre was 650 pounds. We were in airport. He's still on the thing. And then they cut to like Bret Hart and Bret Hart's like, anytime Hulk told the story, the guy went up 50 pounds. But then they cut to him and he's like, he was 700 pounds, brother. And you're like, but I get it. No, but he wanted you to know he was big. - Yeah, so he's making it bigger and bigger. - He wants it and he goes, I don't think you, I don't think you feel the way I felt. And what's crazy is other people, like Hulk had slammed Andre before. And then I just went on a deep type of every pro wrestler I've ever fucking been in love with. Gold dust, fucking, all these like bizarre Razor Ramone. Like, and then I just, big John stud. Do you remember big John stud? You don't remember that. How did you dodge wrestling as a kid? - I think that it was like, so what I remember was I had a bus driver when I would go to, still in Cincinnati. So it was probably like seven or seven or eight, you know? Six, seven, eight, like that age range. And I'd go to school on the school bus and this driver was a really fun dude and he would do match-o-man impressions. So like, that's what I remember about him. Him doing match-o-man and we would love it. He would do the impression like as you got on the bus or as you got off. Really cool, really nice guy. And all I remember was liking match-o-man and Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant. Like they were kind of like the three big stars of this time. - Yes. - And then I just remember that I don't know how it phased out for me. But I just remember getting into football and I guess just gravitating more towards it. I think it's leaving this, I don't know. - There's something about wrestling that is entirely fantasy. - Yeah. - And it's so interesting. It's interesting fact about match-o-man-savage is his brother, Lennie Poffo. Leap and Lennie Poffo. I think I'm saying the same right. - And these are all just one part takeaways. Randy, match-o-man-savage was like, I need like a gimmick, I need a stick. And he heard another man go, oh yeah! He heard another man do that on another wrestler and he took it and then he started going, oh yeah! Oh yeah! And then Hulk says, match-o-man lost Randy. Randy disappeared, which I also identify with. - Yeah. - And he disappeared and he just became match-o-man all the time. And he was no longer every Randy. Like he was in the whole Miss Elizabeth, the way he treated her in the ring, started being how he treated her a little bit out of the ring. And by the way, I'm just talking about documentaries if you're a huge match-o-man fan in your losing your mind right now, I apologize. But like, it started to morph and then I started realizing, you know, I do that with Leanne. I make jokes about Leanne. Like I do this joke that she's off leash. Like if you get Leanne off leash, she's at the dog park biting other dogs in the neck. And today, she was wildly off leash. Like she came in and I told Pete and Kyle in the gym, I go heads up Leanne's off leash and she's biting dudes. And she came in and I had my phone on and she goes, turn it off. Walked out and Kyle just goes, I think I just got bit. And then I go, oh wait, am I turning her into the character? Am I turning, do I turn everyone into the character of my life? And then every story doesn't matter about the truth. I just need it to be, you know, I'm learning a lot about myself, Tom. I've noticed, I've noticed, yeah, crazy, yeah, yeah, 53 now I start paying attention. You are, I wonder what's leading to that. It's got to be sobriety. I think so for real. Yeah, of course. So was this what sober life is, where you always wake up going like awareness? Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah. You have a great sense of awareness all of a sudden. Can I tell you a comment I saw the other day where people think that you're not actually in the room with me? What do you mean? That they think that we're in two different places, like on green screen? Why? I have no idea. Someone sent that to me and they go, Tom's not in L.A. this much. I saw him the day that episode air, we shoot them. We gang shoot them. We gang shoot them. Yeah, yeah. And then we, yeah, that's why sometimes we go like, don't talk about that because it'd be three weeks old. Yeah, so he comes L.A. We shoot a bunch and then. And sometimes you come to Austin. And sometimes I mean, when I come to Austin. Yeah. So much more these days. Yeah. Yeah. I said to Leanne, I'm going to put this to you. Sell the house, right? What if we get apartments in five cities? Five cities and you live? I love apartment living. I mean, this is going to sound like I'm going to get lit up online for this, but I love apartment living. Like I love, I love the downsides. I heard Luke Combs has a two bedroom house. Two bedroom house, but it's like four kids or something. 2300 square feet. Yeah. And I got to be honest with my favorite house we ever had was our one on kindness. And then we live in a house in Georgia. We live in an apartment in Georgia, two bedroom, probably 1,800, 1,100 square feet apartment shoot. Yeah, when we shoot and I love it, I love it. I love the proximity to Leanne. I love that we both have our own bedrooms. I love we have a great living area, great kitchen. We don't cook, we go out to eat, which makes it fun. And so I said to Leanne, what if we got rid of everything? Got rid of everything? And just got five apartments in five different cities. 'Cause the girls aren't living in LA. So what are we doing here? What if we just got five cities, five apartments? Five apartments. Think about it for you. Where would your five cities be? Where would yours be? Leanne, first one she said was Hawaii. Okay. Which I was like, yes. Second one she said, Austin, Texas. Cool. Third one she said, Atlanta, Georgia. Okay. Fourth one, New York City. Fifth one, Chicago. Now, I would trade out Chicago. I don't know if I get an apartment in New York. I don't want to live in New York. I like hotels in New York. Hotels are great in New York. I would much rather hotel. Are you talking about like door man style apartments and everything? I'm talking about a department where you go in, you buy five worth pairs of workout shorts, a pair of workout shoes, five pairs of jeans, a couple nice pants, couple call shirts, bunch of shirts, few hats. I love that you get the wardrobe down. Yeah, that's what I buy when I go on location. And then you got like a little underbar sound system, a good television, great couch, great beds, get the beds at a fucking helix mattress. Okay. I do that everywhere. Helix mattresses, loaded up. Five cities. I'm gonna say I'm gonna say Miami Miami's pretty that's a fun one for fucking fun city Miami Beach. Oh, yes Yeah, I would be I would get I would get and I never would think this I would get 18th floor 18th story. Yeah, overlooking the water so I can watch storms come in watch Sunset. Yeah Without a doubt. I would go okay. I would go L.A. Okay, Austin. Yes. I like the New York. We're in Austin off 6th Street. You're getting an apartment, right? Too chaotic there, I think really yeah, so I would pick Just a different street maybe like the in the area the downtown area, but probably not on 6th Street. Okay, cuz there's great restaurants down there great restaurants New York Interesting. Yeah, where where in New York? Downtown somewhere. So I don't know like Lower East Side. Oh, so apartment in Soho shut up. All right. I switched. I want now. I want I want New York now. I want New York and I would do something like For a little flavor. Maybe like Mexico City You know, yeah for the fun of like going there the energy the food like that would be a fun Place to have one also so that'd be number four and Then if you can you can pick anywhere, right? Yeah, so like in the States. I don't need another one So I would go also another one abroad somewhere like maybe in Europe. Yeah Maybe like Florence or something Someone said to me the other night at a graduation your boy Tommy fucked up. I said why he goes Austin No, no He goes everything on the East Coast in Europe is like a three-hour flight four-hour flight He should and he goes and he's too international. He should have been over there I don't want really and I don't forget who's telling me this he was like he was like everything Guys daughter goes to school in Scotland. Yeah, and he was like we just he goes if if you can say Fuck LA, mm-hmm Then the like oh, I don't need LA at all and your east coast. Oh, it was it was a it was a it was a investment banker Okay, it was investment banker and it wasn't at an graduation. It was one of my shows in New York. It was a while ago It was okay a long time ago. Okay, okay, okay, okay, cuz he said you know what he said, but He said I'm gonna fuck this up, but he's like Monaco is just as far as LA from New York Yeah, I mean if you live on the East Coast, if you live in New York you have access to Europe is not crazy for you Europe is not crazy. No, so put in flights from Europe to to I I New York to Europe. I would love to do It's I think I fucked myself by living in LA because my choices are Tokyo seven hours one thing I'm gonna do in Tokyo Tokyo is rad Yeah, but what am I gonna do in Tokyo? What do you mean? I can't believe there's two more masks You're gonna London No time six six fifty it says not to London. It seems so long. That's kind of long But that's not that much crazier than than New York LA to New York kind of flights are around that right six hours. 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I saw this thing on YouTube That's Dude that is the name of your next book If you write another book it's called I saw this thing on YouTube That's the perfect summary of birth information I got I got something to say I saw this thing on YouTube It's about mid-life crisis and so a paraphrase horrifically I'm certain So mid-life crisis is showed up right after World War Two Okay, because people started living longer and they were like wait what is this all about and divorce the divorce rate was like What's gonna burn numbers, but like there were seven thousand people got divorced in the United States before World War Two Yeah, and then 80,000 after World War two. Okay. Yeah So and then people started living longer because like my both my grandparents didn't have mid-life crisis is they just My grandfather's just died at 50. Yeah, so no one lived to 80 right so there was no mid-life You just died at 40 and in 50. Yeah, so they started dying and it started living longer and they started saying well What is life like if I'm gonna live this wouldn't my is it getting better and at a certain point you realize Oh, it's downhill from here like it doesn't get better right and then I said oh, I should have had a mid-life crisis by now And I was like oh no, I got lucky when I was about to have a mid-life crisis. I got successful And that's why I worked through my mid-life crisis interesting and I achieved my dreams From 44 to 53 nine years. I got to do everything I ever wanted to do Yeah, so I worked through my mid-life crisis and now I'm into like Retirement age theoretically. I'm not gonna but like so like I'm like. Oh, that's great And then I looked at Leanne Keep believe we did that. She's like I don't know about we and I was like wait what and then I and the thing the key to a mid-life crisis Yeah, key is are you happier? Today then you were yesterday because Leading up to say 40 years old. Mm-hmm like Kyle's age. I can explain it easy with Kyle my assistant Cuz he still has his dreams to happen. He's wanting his dreams to happen. That's for an age you realize oh my dreams They didn't happen and they're not gonna happen and this is it and and am I happy here? In a 2300 square foot house with four kids On under an acre of land and with neighbors really close to me that I don't love Overweight my wife's overweight I'm 50 years old. I got maybe 25 good years left If that yeah is is today better than it was yesterday and Leanne said it's not and I and I'm um she said what's not she said She hasn't lived like today is better than yesterday It's been she's not as happy as she was yesterday Oh, and I was like really and then she said she's gonna get upset that I'm sharing this cool, but she She said I Was happiest Raising my girls when my girls were at home. Mm-hmm. That's when I was happiest and everything from that Has been trying to recapture that. That's a that's a very honest. It's very honest and then I said so how do I get you there? And like, I was like, let's adopt some kids. No, that's when we got into the five departments. She was like, what if we just got rid of everything and we just traveled to go see the girls and traveled and lived life and just traveled and you can do standup, you can make movies, you can do TV shows, but our life is spent just getting to after it every day. And I was like, that's interesting. Do you think you might really do this? Well, no, we started saying, we started saying life is full of possibilities. So then we started saying, all right, no idea is a bad idea that's Leanne's motto, which is wildly incorrect. There are bad ideas. Our therapist qualified that. Yeah. I brought that up in therapy. I go, hey, just, you know, we gonna find, she said, no ideas, bad ideas. And then our therapist goes, what about the Holocaust? That was a bad idea. I was like, all right, there's lots of bad ideas. Hey, I'm gonna be a flight attendant and have an unprotected sex to the '80s. That idea. Would you buy all these apartments? Yes. Why not rent some? I could. Yeah, I could. Yeah. But then we started saying dream. Okay, this house is my forever house. And then I said, wait, let's do dream house. Let's do hypothetical dream house. Okay. And we started sending each other dream houses. And then all of a sudden, I go, wait, would you live in Venice and she goes, no, but I'd live in Marina Del Rey. And I went, wait, you'd be interested in living in Marina Del Rey. I'd love to live by the beach. She goes, I'd love to live in Marina Del Rey. We wouldn't have never had that conversation. Had I not read this YouTube video? If I had not read this YouTube video about Midnight Crisis is so I put it on you. Are you happier today? Then you, let's start it, let's start it from here. Okay. When you, when you moved to LA to follow your dream, were you happier than when you were in college? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Okay. When you started to achieve your dream and make your first special Mosley stories. Completely normal. Completely normal. Yeah. When was Mosley stories? After. When you made completely normal. Yeah. Were you happier that day than you were when you started stand up? Happier that day. Probably. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So we're climbing, right? Climbing, yeah. We're climbing. Then the day we started two bears. I'm so much happier. And by the way, I'm just putting it. I'm so much happier than the day we started two bears. I was very, I was a very happy person. Yeah. I remember the, I remember one of the days pulling up to the old place where you couldn't smoke indoors and the dog ran and everything. And I remember listening to Steely Dan and being so excited that I was all of a sudden hearing the music differently. And I was like, oh, this is fucking awesome. I mean, I was really happy when we started that. That was fun. Yeah. Are you happier today, though? Miss good question. I don't know if I can like quantify it as like today. I'm happier. It's like, I feel happy, you know? I mean, happy is also this, I don't know when you say happy or content, right? I'm not content. I'm happy. I'm not content. As a matter of fact, I detest contentness. You embrace happiness. I embrace indulgence, happiness, exuberance, joy. Like those are the things I look for. If I'm, like that's my problem with sobriety. Is sometimes I'm just content. I think the thing that gets me the most, if you want to use the term happy, is like a certain energy. And that energy usually comes from like doing something creative and productive. So like if I'm like really enjoying, let's say, building this hour, there's a certain energy that comes from that. Or like working on a TV show or a movie, there's a certain energy that comes from that. That, whenever I have that creative juice going, there's a happiness about life that I feel. I also feel it from other things, obviously. No, right. Listen, I have, I went bowling with Ila and her boyfriend and we, I was happy. I don't know if they're probably more content. But like, you're right. When you start, the best part is when you start a project. Yeah. And it starts moving. Like the, like the thing starts going. Like that's a certain love. That's a certain type of happiness. There's happiness, obviously like with your kids, seeing them, you know, achieve things or go for things. I get to have a little moment. And I do my best. I get the funniest thing. I will talk about this on stage is watching Michael Jackson movie with my boys and then Julian being like, how come he's getting beat, you know? And like, cause Joe Jackson beating Michael. And I'm like, cause his dad is just like aggressive and like abusive. And he's really mad at, you know, he's like a controlling guy and he's got a temper and Michael's not doing what he wants. And he goes, man, that's fucking hilarious. And he's like, I go, yeah, he goes, can I get a belt? I was like, yeah. Yeah. And he just starts, he, I give him a belt. He starts just like, well, and hitting everything. Like hitting the bed, hitting chairs. I go, what are you doing? He goes, you're not hitting the notes, Mike. He's like, but what I was talking about, it was someone. And I was like, you know, I was like, it's so crazy. And they're like, yeah, but it's such a good thing that your son sees getting beaten as so unrealistic that he thinks it's funny. Yeah. You know, he doesn't realize the reality of it. He's like, that's a crazy thing that somebody would get beaten so he can find humor in it, right? Because if he were beaten, you know, it would traumatize him to watch that. But he's just like, people get hit. I'm like, yeah, he goes, you've never hit us. Like, nah, dude, I'm not going to hit you guys. He's like, he's like, I still don't get why he does it. I'm like, he's a bad guy. I'm like, keep trying to tell him. He's like, he's like, oh man, he's like, I want to get a belt. I got to have a belt, man. Okay, sure. We, Leanne explained to Eila what picking a switch was because Leanne, when she was a child, if she was in trouble, she had to go pick her own switch. And Eila's like, couldn't wrap her head around. He's like, wait, hold on. You had to pick the instrument. You're going to get hit. You're going to get hit with and Leanne's like, oh yeah. And then Leanne just is a thought exercise. She was like, Eila, go out on the arm, pick your own switch. And Eila's like, okay, and came back with bullshit. And we started laughing 'cause I knew the rule of picking a switch was if you didn't get something big enough, they went and picked it. And it was not what you wanted. Yeah. And we explained it to Eila. She's like, do you have any leftover lumber? All right, last question. Yeah, I'm going to post to you. Okay, I said this today, just hit my strain max, oh my whoop. From your workout, my whoop, I'm, dude, I'm sober. I am so obsessed with my whoop. Yeah. My heart rate, you have a crazy resting heart rate. Yeah. That's how I say that about you and people bring you up. Yeah. They'll go like, what's it like working with Tom and Eila and they go, crazy resting heart rate. It is crazy. And then like, really, that's why I think he's dead at time. Yeah. What is it, upper 30s? Yeah. And it's at the point where it was alarming at one point. And I was like, I don't know if I'm alive. And that went to the cardiac center at Cedars and had a full, full battery of tests as they say. And they were just like, yeah, you have just, it's a good, you have a good strong heart. Yeah. Nothing, there's nothing else to say. The, my, my resting heart rate dropped a lot, right? I almost want to give you the, we should almost do a whoop episode. We should go out to whoop and do an episode at whoop with our vodka over the summer, throw a party, get the VO to max after we drink to see what they are recovery wise because I do stand by the fact that we have the best recovery vodka in the world. But my resting heart rate, I'm just show you a picture. What are the used to be? Do you know what it used to be? I'll tell you right now, I bet it's, I bet it's dropped dramatically, right? My resting heart rate in January, um, look at this over six month period. Look at this. Do you see the white? Yeah. That's in the seven, that's 79. That was my resting heart rate, that's 79 January. Okay. That's when I got the blood caught. Okay. I'm hearty. My resting heart rate is 59, it's low 50s, like on an average, but it's low 50s during the, like right now, that's the average for the month. Yeah. But it's been in the low 50s. So it's dropped so much. It drops significantly. I mean, when I, my sleep, Tom, is insane. Like, if you looked at my sleep, look at this. It's just like flatlined, and then I had a bad dream, but hey, watch this one. Look at this sleep. It's just flat. Huh. Yeah, look at you, dude. I know. It's crazy, but so I, my question I'll post to you and then we'll wrap this episode up right at an hour or five. I remember sending you your Mountain Dew submission. Please. So we can make our sizzle. Two bears, one cave at gmail.com. The Bala Porosos, the summer, the number two, the word bears, the number one, the word. word cave at Gmail.com. - I, today I worked out, and I broke my first sweat, like in a workout, and it's such a great feeling. - The best. - When you break, okay, so then I would argue, what's better, your first sweat that your body breaks when you start working out, or the last sweat, when it's dripping off you and you're done, and you're sitting on a bench, watching it come off your nose. - Oh, that's a good one, dude. I think the sense of accomplishment tied to the last one takes it up a notch. - The fact that you got through it. - The break also always feels good, 'cause you're like, I'm doing it. Like this is happening. - Yeah, 'cause there's a crazy sense of accomplishment. - Yeah. - From like, I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna do this. Oh God, it's been five minutes and nothing's happening. - You know, I used to do that, break a sweat thing after four stairs. I would just walk up four stairs, be like, wow, I really did something right now, I'm sweating. When you're the fattest, you can be. You sweat all the time. Like it's, you're always sweating. It's not a sense of what you're like, fuck, I'm sweating. I just walked in here. You're just always sweating. Black guys got it down with those towels. You know the fat black guy. - Oh, yeah. - Craig Robinson used to go everywhere with the towel. - Yes. Have you seen him dunk? - Dunk. - Have you seen Craig Robinson dunk? - We're talking about the same. - Typing Craig Robinson dunk. - You doing it now? - No, hang on. Have you not seen young Craig Robinson? - No. - Tom. - Really? - It's better than your dunk. - Like that. - Get, it's a video. There you go, young Craig Robinson could dunk. - That's him? - That's Craig Robinson. - Oh, he got up, dude. - Dude, we look at, when you see the video of him, he was hanging too. - Yeah. - He was skinny and athletic as fuck. - You know his brother's like one of the most accomplished jazz drummers. - No idea. - In the country. - Craig's hilarious. - Craig's not incredible. - Yeah. - Damn. - Yeah, he was a different human. Talk about talent. To be able to dunk means you can ball, right? But then also be as comedically funny and musically and sensitive to be able to get comedy. - Yeah, yeah. - You can't just be a meathead and get comedy. - No. - I had no idea. - Yeah. - While, dude. - All right, let's see what the internet said. First sweater, last sweat. Let's see, I posted it this morning. - Okay. - First sweater, last sweat. You ready? Everyone says last sweat, 60%. - Yeah. - All right, that's a great episode. I'm gonna take you down and give you a cool aid pineapple slices. - Let's do it. - And we're done. - Thanks for watching. - See you next week. ♪ Bird time, time and bird ♪ ♪ One goes top and swat the other wears a shirt ♪ ♪ Tom tells stories and birds the machine ♪ ♪ There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean ♪ ♪ Here's what we call ♪ ♪ Two bears, one cave ♪ (upbeat music)