Exposing Britain's Honour Killings - Nina Aouilk Tells Her Story

[Music] I'm Boomba Ron. Today's guest with good Nina Alk. Nina? Pleasure. Lovely to meet you. Yeah, lovely to meet you. Bucoffa, kind of your mind coach, live coach, whatever you want to call it. We also want to touch on honor currents as well, which is very important. I never really knew much about it, if I'm honest. But obviously I knew you were coming on. I started doing that a bit digging and I even spoke to an undercover police officer, a woman. She said it's so right, as well. Especially in Scotland. Yeah. But why is that? As the community is stick together and there's a big Asian community in Scotland, a lot of Pakistani communities, a lot of it, North Indian communities. So things never change when they don't integrate and they withhold the traditional values and belief systems because they're in that community. Before we get into everything, Nina, I always like to go back to the start of my guest, get a bit understanding about you, where you grew up, how it all began. So I'm Nina Alk. I'm a mindset coach for UFC fighters and some really lovely people. But I value my work more so as an activist. I'm very raw and real and people either like it or they don't. And often people search for me with a trigger warning, so maybe your listeners want that. But the only warning I believe I should come is that I'm armed with love, complete self-love, which I like to hand that to everyone I meet. So my story goes back to, I'm born in 1970s on '53 now. And it goes back to being born in Leicester. My parents are from North India, they're Punjabi. And they brought with them very much their own self-beliefs of how life should be lived. Like when you're on holiday, you pack your sun creams and your swimmers. But for them it was all about taking their values and understanding how they lived their lives in India and bringing that forward. And that's how they raised us. And I was the youngest of three. How about you at school? So school, I was either punched, kicked, spat upon. My hair was pulled, I was called names because I was one of two people of colour and the other person was my brother. So if it wasn't him being beaten at lunchtime it was my turn. I was a really dirty child because I was neglected by my parents, so I would turn up often covered in dirt and smell really, which didn't help with getting picked on. But I loved school strangely because it was my escape through books that I found me in a way. So I would really absorb the learning process. I would try to please the teachers, I would sit right at the front, I would take books upon books, upon books home and just lose myself because I wasn't allowed up my room at home from the age of six. I was literally told to stay within those four walls. But I enjoyed my solitude if I'm being honest because that's what I knew. So you being at school, did you think you were getting a love from a teacher? Especially being in the good of two shows because they were always loved by the teachers. Always do it at all, always getting taught grades, do you think that was a part of you to be good because you were getting that love that you weren't getting at home? Not really because back then teachers were quite strict. They weren't as loving or empathetic as they are now. They didn't show emotion. You were told off more than you were told that you were doing well, so to speak. You were never really rewarded. So I didn't really have many teachers that I connected with either because they weren't of my culture. So they didn't really get me. And I think being of a different culture, it was that difficult child, you know, the one they didn't want to deal with or they didn't want to understand. But they could have many a time have changed my life if they had taken some interest. Of course, yeah, you look great if someone in the 50s. What have you had done is working. You look someone in your family's genuinely, you look great, so well done. So when did you realise that something was a mess? Like, in years, when you were six years old, if you were kept in the room, was it just a norm or did you realise that something just not quite right here? Yeah, I didn't learn about the fact it wasn't normal until later on if I'm being honest. My job was literally to when they would call me, I was nonverbal, so I didn't speak to my parents. We weren't allowed to make high contact like we are now. It was a case of always looking down, never speaking to somebody looking at their faces. So my hearing ability was impeccable. I could hear them moving. I knew who was moving, who was coughing, who was sneezing. I could tell which person to open the door because the way they pulled it after they'd opened it. So I didn't have a very good connection with my family in that respect, but I was always called out of my room to cook. That was the main reason I was called out because I was the only person that cooked in the house and cleaned. And one of my job was to cook for my parents, my dad when he would come back from the pub. He would go away, like, you know, most guys go to a pub on a Friday or Saturday night, and they'd bring back, then they used to bring back a lot of their friends. And he used to bring back an array of people, you know, some tall people, short people, whatever they were, but they were his friends and they were of the same culture. And in my culture, we don't say somebody's name if they're older than you, you say, aren't you, wrong call, but they're not related. It's just how we say, you know, our show respect. And I knew things were terribly wrong. When I came downstairs one day, I was exceptionally tired. I was 14 just turning into a young woman, I guess. And my mum used to wake me up by poking me, never sort of telling me anything. And that night I really don't want to come downstairs. I don't want to cook any rice. I don't want to make any curry, but I knew I had to. I had no option. And I sort of pulled myself out, came downstairs. And they were exceptionally loud. And that's the first thing I remember coming downstairs thinking they're really loud today. They're, you know, I could hear the glasses, I could see the bottles outside because my dad would place, once he'd finished the bottle, he'd place it outside. And I could see all the bottles lined up thinking, "God, they're really drinking a lot today." So I made lots of food. My job was to take it on a big tray. I think the tray was bigger than I was back then. And I would place it on a low table and then I would leave. And that was my job. And then I would sit on the bottom step and wait. And normally they were quite quick at eating, but this time they were taking forever. And I was trying not to fall asleep. But something really instinctively was telling me to just not go in that room that night. And I talk about it a lot where we have that in a messaging service because I now believe with spiritual beings trapped in like a bodysuit. And our spirits are telling us, "This isn't good for you. Don't go there." But I had to. What could I do? I had no option. And when I did go there, my father actually grabbed me by my wrist and threw me on the table. And I quickly closed my eyes and I was raped continuously by each person in that room. And it lasted for hours. And it wasn't like a rape. It was more of an attack. It was very vicious. I was being bitten. I was being slapped. I was just being thrown around like a rag doll. I don't fucking deal with that. No. I can see the motion in your face. I've got to talk to him when I do everything I'm up. I have to protect that. I'm overprotective. I speak to enough people to understand how dark and demonic this world is. So when you go through that, it's six years old. That not known even what that is then. I had our amazing women all called Bella Wright. She went through the same sort of deal. Six years old, her abused her, her mum used to go out and drink. And he was her babysitter. And it's been known for many, many years. And the strength of this woman is got her's on. Believe it was the strength that you're sitting here. Tablet talk about this stuff and trying to raise awareness and still try to show love. Says everything about your character and it shows you how far you've came in life. And I take my heart off to you and I'm proud of you. You still manage to speak and start. Still manage to be a better person. Because that stuff can make people turn fast. Hate, rage, anger. No doubt you've had all that at some points in your life. But to be sitting here looking great and trying to get on my life is an amazing thing. It shows that people can do. We've sat in that mind and just want to be better and improve. And improve, which is so important in life. So after that experience then, as a kid, how do you move on from that? Do you become numb to the world? Is it what's how hard does that to then try and I don't know. Forget. Remember? So I was 14. I wasn't six. She ran that. From six. I'd started this process of being the servant like a modern-day slave. Which I understand now. I didn't understand it then. But when I was 14 and this had happened, I lost myself. I think all of us go through some things in life where we just can't cope. And I'm no different to anybody else. In that sense, I struggle together. I struggle to go to school. I was actually in pain because that kind of attack, because I call it that kind of rage that they were abusing me with. Left me for months. It didn't go away. It wasn't just a overnight thing. I was hurting for ages after I wasn't able to sleep. I was having nightmares. I would wake up in the night without anyone to go to for comfort. And my room was bare. It literally was just a bed, no bedding, nothing. Only comfort that I had was my dog. We had to have a dog. And she was my first sort of sense of warmth in my life because my parents went tactile at all. So I struggled and I remember not sitting at the front of the classroom at school. I was sitting at the back and often I'd be curled and been a ball crying. But I was ignored because I was like, just, you know, to leave a base sort of thing. I think, once the teacher asked me to get out of the room. But never asked me how I was. The girl that I walked to school with, I stopped walking with her. I had a little girl that would walk to school with me and she used to teach me songs because I wasn't allowed to watch television so she would say we had this song on top of the pop and I'd be waiting for the Friday fair to tell me but I stopped asking her and I stopped talking to her but she didn't really know what say to me and I think I was a real siren for help. I was literally sending out all these signals but nobody was picking them up and then I realized I was pregnant and I had to tell my mother in last 15 you know I was turning 1415 when all of this happened and they took me to a clinic where they obviously arranged for an abortion and I remember that was the first time I'd ever encountered kindness because after the procedure I remember everything very clearly but the one thing that I remember the most and I've said it time and time again is somebody as you touch my hair she brushed my hair back and she gave me a cup of tea and I thought how bad of a person can I be that she's giving me this cup of tea that she's extending this gift to me who am I you know my parents always told me I was evil that I was bewitched I was a bad spirit I was possessed by the devil himself and that's why you know one of the reasons they hated me so much but here was this woman actually touching me and I remember taking that kindness and thinking to myself all the way back I can't be that bad and I've got a habit of talking to myself I've done it as a child maybe not having anyone else to talk to some people have imaginary friends the any friend I ever had was somebody called fear who literally followed me around everywhere I went from a young age but I started to tell myself maybe I'm not that bad but on the way home all my parents kept saying was what are we going to do with her she's spoiled herself you know and you need to tell your daughter as she said you've got daughter over and over again that she's tall she'll believe that she is tall I was being told that I was a problem that their lives were terrible now that people were going to laugh at them and I won't be able to have an arranged marriage because I wasn't a virgin anymore and what was going to happen and I hated myself sitting in the back I looked at my mother back of my mom in the back of my dad and I was really scared I was really upset and I just hated me you know many a times at school I wished I was that white boy or that white girl and not this Indian girl that's trapped in this disgusting body that everyone hated many a time I wished I was the teacher or somebody else and I just didn't like me very much I hated myself to a point where I wanted to kill myself and a couple of days later after we got home from that I took an overdose and back then we had tubs of paracetamol's lot of packets and I had the whole lot didn't know what I was doing if anyone's ever done that they'll know you go through a lot of pain abdominal pain chest pain I actually didn't know what to do I took them lay down thinking that would be it but I didn't die obviously I'm still here to tell the tale how many times did that happen to you that event that happened in the other room was that the one time it was just the one time things progressed very quickly after that time that they wanted to get rid of me it was almost like they wanted to get rid of their problem which was me and all I could hear my dad saying continuously was what we're going to do with her you know that's all he would ever say and then one day I heard him on the phone because I used to have this habit of really pressing my ear against the door and it was like a really wooden core store because those days doors weren't nicely polished the way they are now painted and I remember the splinter's actually sometimes catching in my hair but I remember listening to a conversation and he was talking to someone saying I'm really happy now oh my god this is amazing and I thought wonder what's happened that he's so happy because I was used to days and days and weeks and weeks of him complaining and I was called downstairs and when I went into the room there was one of the guys that had raped me you know my father's friend but with him was his wife and they had a bag like a bag with a tray in it and the tray had sweet Indian sweets it had like a red like a chiffon scarf that you put over my head because it was a ceremony that was taking place for an engagement and by them doing that they say we'll take your daughter but why didn't know was who I was marrying or what was going on because he had a son that was a similar age to me and then while sitting there listening to it I realized that his son had a girlfriend who was white British and because they didn't want the community to know about this relationship he had they were marrying him off to me in a sham wedding but he would have nothing to do with me we wouldn't share the same bed we wouldn't share the same room we would have nothing to do with each other I was actually getting married for my father-in-law so that he could have a sex slave and my mother-in-law so she could have a servant and they were making this agreement and money was exchanging hands my father was saying not that much and he was saying no I want this much money my father was saying well I won't give you this much gold and he was saying no I want this gold and I want this for myself you know there was this bartering going on over me and then the next thing I knew I was turning 16 and I was getting married and I ended up in their marital home which was a lot smaller than my parents they were a lot poorer than my father they gave me a tiny little room which was like a cupboard and it had like a made shift bed with no door and just almost like an open cupboard where I was going to sleep because it was downstairs and they would all sleep upstairs and I knew after a little while that he was going to keep coming and bothering me my father-in-law and I constantly for four years was pulling either his hands out of my underwear or pushing him off me and I was a feeble young girl really I wasn't very old at all but they wanted me to work they were greedy for money and that was their biggest mistake because I was ambitious in the sense of I wanted to earn a lot of money because I thought if I earn a lot they might leave me alone so I didn't know what I was doing but I discovered I was this other person in work I was a more confident person I gave myself the name Nina it's not my name and I would turn up at work and I would say hi everyone you know and be super cheerful and try to almost switch off what was going on at home because I didn't want to take that to this place it's like if I've had a problem now getting it because I did go on the wrong train and my train was delayed as well I've not bought that with me I've left it there but I could do and you'll have a lot of problems with people where they bring their their feelings with them wherever they go but I had this way of understanding how not to do that and I would turn up at work every day super smiley I was one of the youngest people that worked there I was the only person of color and I learnt to hang around in the right place this which was coffee machine on the executive floor which was two floors up and everyone said never go there never go there never go there and I thought why I want to go see what's going on and I'm one of the executives came came towards me was a marketing guy and I said oh don't really know what I'm doing but I really want to coffee and just smiled and he said what is it you're after you know and I said a job it's all I thought you wanted a coffee and he actually gave me I was the first manager who was under 20 I think I was 17 actually when I got the job on a really really good wage which I thought was going to please them but nothing seemed to please them but through work I came across some people that said to me this isn't the way your life should be you know you turn up to work your ankles are bleeding because he would time me up with I don't know if you remember the old metal coat hangers are really quite rigid he would tie them around my ankles and the sorry and the metal bits would actually dig into my skin but they would strip me as a way of a control thing to humiliate me to scare me but I was scared I wasn't going to go or ring anyone we didn't have mobile phones the only phone was in the front room and I was too scared to go and ask anyone for help who was I going to ask we don't call the police we don't do that in our culture so they would do these things to try and control so see when you were at work was that I know when you said you were at school it was an escape was what your escape you could be who you wanted to be no dinner what was going on behind closed those yeah I did you definitely hit an L on the head that wasn't a skate but it was somewhere where I could learn more about me and you know when you grow up you start to learn about things that you you're always told by your parents what you are you're always told by people what you are but you start to discover new things doesn't mean you accommodate to the more you receive them because if you're told not to receive them you block them but you do see them so I did see things I saw people I you know I made friends I never had friends perhaps you started to make friends with people and two of them that were significant for my my life changing I guess was a guy who was from Nigeria he was working there and a girl he was Indian just like me and they came a little bit later after me and she was the one that said you know you should go back home because surely your parents won't do anything now you're 21 and you're continuously coming here with more and more bruises or they could see that I'd been I'd been beaten people can tell and I started to think maybe that was the right thing to do did you ever think about running love you too scared where was I going to run to who would want me you know I was just a girl I was born this girl that had absolutely no self belief I saw myself as a heavy baggage I felt I was like heavy bag if anybody wanted to carry this bag they want me to carry me and nobody I just felt nobody wanted me I never ever was seen in that way or you know like you admire a woman or you look at her in a certain way that you think she's pretty I never got those looks I never did I was just Nina you know Nina that would get on with it or Nina that was the manager I just didn't ever maybe I didn't see it but I just felt I didn't get it so you didn't even know I'm sorry to go back there but seeing you are 14 was your dad in fourth as well my father was the first person to rape me. I'm sick bastard. And your mum was I'm Mummas Upstairs. I'm PeopleSight. Do you think she knew maybe? She'd been treated badly in her past. What you have to understand is when you're a girl born into my culture, a culture similar to mine, whether you're in the Middle East or you're in Africa, you don't matter. We're very much, almost disposable people. We're not even people to them. We're just beings. Saddo is very good player-bag partner. Religion hasn't got anything to do that a lot of people confuse the two. What's the difference? Culture is how we live our lives. Culture should be about music. It should be about clothes. It should be about food. But unfortunately, culture is very much about how we live our lives, what we accommodate, who we allow to our allow to marry. A range of marriages are a common thing. If you want to marry somebody, you can only marry somebody from your culture from the same sort of northern India. You can't marry somebody from even South India. It's not allowed. It's taboo. It's crazy. We're laughing at what we're all for. Everybody's got their own beliefs and opinions on religion. For me, religion divides the world. If you look at religion, and some people can go to religion, they're the best people in the world. It's everything you perceive or whatever you want to take it. But if you go deep into whether it's a caran, whether it's the Bible or some dark, the morning shit. You've got the Bible where you've got, I think it was lots of it was called. We got two girls. It's two daughters pregnant, they were drunk. They got him drunk. And then we've got the caran. Mohammed, I think it was married at seven or the girls at seven. No matter what you say, no matter if this was accepted 1500 years ago, a thousand years ago, it's 20 to 23. That shit should not be accepted. Let's try to bring the age I can send down from 16 to 12 as well. We're 14. Again, kids, they're not old enough to make those decisions to be sexually active and mad. Only, maybe it's because I've got a daughter and a more protective. But the way the world does its sexual energy exchange as well, you've got soul ties, you've got so much deep and in depth of energies. And how it exchanges in life. And for me, people just need to wake and up. I believe people can be brainwashed easy, whether that's culture. That ain't a culture being kids and rating kids. That ain't a culture that's pedophilia. No matter what you look at, no matter what religion says that is assuming pain, you've got right and wrong. And you know, deep inside is cheesies. It as love as the answer for anything in life, for pain, to trauma, for happiness, that you, if you truly, I don't think enough people on this planet love this self, including myself, or our struggle, no matter what I do in life, no matter how successful I become, I still struggle and I think, I ain't good enough. So I'll sit there, I'll eat there, I'll hide by the net, and I'll get myself down, but then what happens is the next day I'll go right, James just hustle again, because what it does is stops the demons, it stops these loud voices in my mind. The voices are still there, they're just not as loud when I'm as active and keep track of push forward. Do all know the answers in life? I genuinely don't know, and always say there's some podcast, there's not really a blueprint and manual, how we should really be living life, as a human being, we're all kind of confused, we're all kind of wild up where we don't genuinely know what created us, what we put to say, we can all have different opinions, and I will listen to everybody's opinion on religion, whether they believe, whether they don't believe us, four thousand gods, five thousand gods are, four thousand different religions. Who says what's right, who says what one is right? I just genuinely don't know, but for me, it's the question, everything in taking, understanding of people, but I've interviewed enough people with that story, with positive stories to understand, nobody knows what the fuck is going on, but just all kind of just trying to get through life from, I know I can rumble a bit here, but it's just, I'm not daft, I see things, there's where I feel things, I've got a good energy, I've got a good intuition, my soul's as clean as it can be, just now I believe in something internal, but keeps us going in life, but all this stuff that you're in through then, you had dad, how was the other brothers and sisters in your house? I was the only girl. So you were only girl, what about the boys, how were they treated? They were treated really well, but you see, I thought I used to get happy when my mother was holding my brother hugging him, when they were being celebrated, I was happy for them because my way of loving or understanding of love was that other people deserve love, that I don't, so I was happy when I was cooking for them because I would do my best to extend my love through that. So giving love was me, that's what I've always been about, giving that love, I just didn't understand that I always was love until now. What about your mum, when you move, don't you start in contact with your mum and dad? No, my culture wants your marriage, you had nothing to do with your family, so I don't speak to them for four. Do you believe that's a culture? I believe it's the way of life they believe, it's the right way, it's like I always say to people, it's like if you ask me to build a house, I haven't got a clue. I can try and do it, I can try my best, but I'm not a builder, so I will do it to the best of my knowledge. So somebody else might come along and say, "Why did you do this and why did you mix, you know, you didn't mix the cement right?" And I'll be like, "Well, that's what I thought, it was the right way." So I've used what tools I've got to do the best job. I'm not condoning their behaviour, I'm not saying it's right, because it's definitely not. But I believe they did what they knew, and it's not right, but it's what they were doing. And I'm sure that it was done to other girls, because I knew the other girls in the community, I knew they were treated as badly as I was. I don't know about sexual abuse, because no one talks about it in my culture, especially it's a very taboo subject, and people perceive you to be dirty if you do talk about it, but I don't see myself as dirty, I see myself as very clean. I know that the hands that are dirty on my father's foremost. What about your father-in-law? Was he raping you as well? Yeah, he was very sadistic with his rapes. It was very, you know, he would do certain things that were very difficult, especially with me being so young. I found it very difficult to be around him. Is he still alive? They all still are alive, yeah. How does that then play in your mind that they're all still alive, and that would there be any, would there ever be convictions of those people? A kid in Scotland raped a 13-year-old, get on a part, good community service. Look how is that possible? So I've spoken at Scotland Yard. I'm going back there shortly. I've spoken over numerous political places, like Parliament and things, to tell them that they're not doing anything, that they put a post to saying, "If you're suffering from domestic violence, come forward," and then they're telling you, "You don't have enough evidence to press charges." I have gone to the Crown prosecution with my complaint, I guess, against my parents, against my ex-partner, against my father-in-law and his family, and I've been told very much so that nothing can be done. So now, I still want justice, because I deserve that, you know. And I'm doing what I need to do to get it. I'm speaking about it and helping other people that is using your pain in trauma as a positive, and that's the hard thing. It's difficult. I've told the story over a hundred times now, and I was saying the other day, it's like opening a wound, you literally reopen it, reopen it, reopen it, but through that pain somehow, the message gets across to people, they connect with it, they know that it's real, they feel it, and it might not even be the same kind of pain, they just know that it's real, so they come forward. And one of my videos went viral, I sent it to you, and I think it's on 21 million, and that was my 97th attempt to get this message of these things exist. Let's try to bring them to an end, for gender-based violence, you know. Let's not have every human should, for me, have basic human rights. They should be loved. They should be born to be free. And when that got that attention I had, and now, up to date, I think I've got 9,500 messages from people, not well wishes, they're extra. These are messages saying, I don't know what to do. Your story is my story. I've had men come forward saying, I feel like I want to just kill myself, because I can't get over what happened to me when I was a young boy, or my mum and dad used to argue a lot with domestic violence, because I suffered that too. So, messages are really, really important. It's really important to keep it as it is, not to fabricate it, not to almost shrink it either, because my trauma's not your trauma, but it's pain, whichever way you look at it. Yeah, and all struggles, everybody's get definitely a bruise, a trauma, a bit trauma, a slow trauma. You can have the smallest bit of trauma and still end up an addict, still end up so I say, "Dolat, you've got, that's the high end of it, that's the worst thing for me, I'm actually as a father to do that to his child." For many years at the start, I probably wasn't the best at it, but it's because I wasn't there. That's because I decided to part, that I'd take drinking drugs, because I wanted to try and act like the big man, really, I was a weak man, I was scared, I was vulnerable, I didn't know how to be, who I am now, I believe I'm the great dad, I do everything, now I do everything for my kids. I was a selfish part of it, I do everything for myself and that's okay, because you've got to look after yourself, because the bottom line is, nobody really takes your hands to try and give you the life that you want, you need to go and get it yourself, no matter what it's fucking going on up here. But, so how long did this last then in that marriage? How long did this go on, that just? It went on for four years, I ended up going to work one day, I decided I wasn't going home, because the police were turning up around my area, and it was not a nice part of Leicester, 'cause that's where I'm from originally, and they were turning up because brides were being burnt, and it was a burning bride thing in the 90s, which is very well known around the UK and Scotland, where mother and father-in-laws would pour petrol over a girl, a bride, set her on fire and then say that she'd committed suicide, because she was giving birth to a girl, and they didn't want girls, so they thought she was a girl-making machine, so they would go kill her, and then bring somebody else in, or get somebody out of the house. else marry to their son and hope that he would have an heir, he would have a boy. And I was paranoid of fire. I just felt it was my turn coming up because I hadn't had a child. I was starting to push my father and not off me as opposed to just allow him to do things because I was repulsed by him. I didn't want that. Yeah, that's about stuff, bunlin' kids and rating people and no matter how I think culture, that's psychotic fucking madness, that's every one of these men should be hung. And front everybody and made an example of what I always say that she'll bring back the death penalty for rapists because what happens is they can't change their mindset. Their mindset is too far gone, there's one in every fairies get paid the failed tendencies, one in every street and all the stuff that gets took out and so on, that small puzzle that's said is it get convicted and if you're do, can get convicted, they're either getting community service or 12-1 for the straight back out in the streets to convict again and to do bad stuff again. The thing is that Russia, whether people believe in what's happening, it was, I don't know, I'm not that way in time, but Russia, if you're pedophile, you're getting life in prison, Australia, you're getting your passport and your driving license to cough, you can't change your name. In the UK, you can change your name for less than two out of a quid. You can go and work in a different school, you can go and work in hospitals because the system doesn't then check if you've changed your name, you can get different driving license, different passport for less than 20 quid. The system here is fucked. The system protects. Pedophiles. That's because the people that majority are elite are pedophiles themselves. This is politicians of, they've been caught again with a young boy, but that's what politicians do, right? Oh, the person from church was caught raping a young boy, but that's what they do, right? And we as a society in the UK say, well, that's just the way they are. We don't stand up and say, but this is wrong. Let's make a change because we're quite spyingness. We don't like to, you know, we're very proper. We don't like to cause a bit of a problem because it's seen as a problem. I'm seen as a problem, which is why I take security around with me because I have numerous death threats from the Middle East, from people in the UK, from people in Asia because I say it as I say it. Am I shouldn't I? Because I'm being honest. Yeah, you become a target. And end of the day, we don't know what everybody's purpose is to do. My job is just to let people tell their story, but I have opinions on certain things that you become afraid. If I speak out as highly as I can, I become afraid. My voice is heard through my wounds at people each month. Of course, I become afraid. I don't have a back down a lie down because I believe in what I speak is what is the fucking right thing. You look at Jill Dan, the parent and she was murdered because she was going to release a documentary on high profile names. I mean, look at you get the Phillips go through the now. These brothers just became fucking convicted pedophile. Phillips go through those rumors about the tea boys well and he came out gay after 30 years and everybody's applauding them. But he's fucking wife who was lying to her for 30 years. But they're lies and they're just sitting on the other bullshit. The thing is about the mainstream meeting, especially BBC, we can talk about the statue outside where it was created by a pedophile. Why is that statue still there? It's a known pedophile who made that statue. The thing is, you go jump it savvly, go Epstein, it goes so dark and with these high profile men, they've got so much money. Money is not an object. No money is not a thing to them. There's no meaning to it. So what do they do? You can go down to the mechanic route as well. We can really look into that shit with the drinking blood, the adrenaline chrome that there's so much shit. I don't have all the answers to it. I've never seen it. I just hear people talking about it. It can be a bit far from it. So you think they're crazy. But it's the ones who crazy are fucking telling the truth and my eyes. So when you decided to go and off, so enough, where did you get the strength from to then? I believed my friend at work. I believed what she was saying was true. I was very. She knew everything was going on. No, but she knew that I was in a bit of a dangerous position because of the way I would turn up at work. And I believed when she said that if you go home, your parents will love you because that's what I wanted to hear. Sometimes we just want to hear somebody say what we're thinking or we're wishing. And when I went home that day to my parents, I really thought they were going to pull me in and love me and say, you know, you're 21. It's okay now. And people say, why did you go back? It's the same place that you were raped, same place that you were treated badly as a child, same people that didn't care about you will see for four years. Why would you go back there? I don't even know the answer to that because I just had this ideology in my head. And I was a bit away with the fairies anyway in the sense of in my dream world, in my little head. I wanted my mom to look after me and brush my hair like she should have done when I was a child. My father to hold me and say, he's going to protect me. And I just ended up doing the wrong thing, but I didn't know it until I was already there. Trauma bonding. It's just what you know, isn't it? It's all I knew. And I was so obsessed like they had created this person, this young child, because I was still a child even at 21. I was very naive. I understood about how the community thought. If I went anywhere else, the community would completely cut my parents off. They would be looked on really badly. So I felt I would say face if I did go back there and I could explain to them and maybe they would actually listen to me. I had this thing in my head that I had to go back there because being there was a lot better than being where I was. And I had no other options at that point. Did you ever know your mom's up ringing? Not really, but her side of the family that she reached out to me in a loving way. I decide not to speak to anybody because I don't want that connection anymore. Are you still afraid towards your father's daughter alive? Yeah, he's still threatening to kill me. Beheading is the highest form of retaining honour. And my brothers are one of my brothers who have said, "How can I call it an honour killing? No, it's not enough. Not honour and calm and I women, having a child, having killing someone is the most weakest form of anything on this planet. Where does it go? Don't I come from? I don't understand that." No, my TED talk is called "There is no honour in killing" because there isn't, you know, the two words don't go together. But I'm not to say because I'm not that person, I'm not them. But it's wrong, which is why I'm trying to raise awareness and I am raising awareness. Yeah, keep going, man, anything I can hear. I always have your back. The thing about honour killing is just a glorified word for attempted murder or murder. You get lesser of a sentence because culturally they take into consideration that the person's culture is taken apart in their decision to harm that person. And my point to the police is that's a load of rubbish because they've tried to kill that person with the means to kill them. That's their intention. Their intention isn't to harm them. It's actually to kill them. My attempted honour killing was with the intention to kill. So if some of the doesn't honour killing, then what's that sentence? It's not life. It's not murder. It's not the same. And what about if it happens in India or Pakistan? Nobody does anything if it happens in India, which is why so many girls get taken out of school and disappear to India and they, you get told, well, she's gone to live with her auntie. And, you know, there was a big hoo-hawe where all these charities, which I don't really believe in, was saying, you know, it's great. We've got the age changed now in the UK. You can't get married until you're 18. But they're just going to find another way. They're going to send the girls away. And I've had one recently come to me to my non-profit, say to me, I'm 15. They're trying to marry me to my cousin. I don't want to get married to my cousin and I'm 15. I just want to be a midwife. And luckily, I helped her to escape. And now she's with a foster family. You're looking after her 100 miles, over 100 miles away from where she was. But the thing is she would have been sent to where she was being sent to, my, so which part of the world it was, married, forced to have children and brought back when she's 20 because they want to live in the British society. They want to live in a different country, not where they are because they can probably make more money, possibly. But the point is she would have disappeared and come back. And then even then, the British government are not going to say, hold on a minute. So you're the mother and you would have had this child at this age. That's wrong. They're not bothered. I don't care what anybody says. They do not care. What about arranged marriages? What's the ages or the world? I don't think Nigeria. Maybe I've had a rise. It's very young. Yeah. Like UK's 16. But how can people still get married here younger? UK's just changed to 18. It has just changed as a law that's gone through. But with Nigeria, it's 12. It's in barbades 12. I work with two nonprofits because I don't believe in doing things ourselves. We can't make that much of a change. But if we support one another, because it's not about me, it's not about my ego. It's about actually doing something that's of worthwhile to save others. So I work with a place in Zimbabwe. We keep girls in education. The reason the parents marry them off there is because they simply can't afford the education because you have to pay for it. So after 12, they have to pay. So what they do is they somebody will come along and say, I'll take your daughter and I'll give you two goats, which is a true. I've interviewed the woman that set up the nonprofit and her grandfather had bought a 12-year-old for two goats. And when she came, they would hold on a minute. How can we call a grandmother? We're 12 and she's 12. That doesn't make sense to us. But by retaining them in education, we then get them educated. They'll go work at a bank or in an office and they then look after the next girl, the next girl, and we change that cycle. So there is slow change, but for me, it's not quick enough. It's bar-barric to think that a 12-year-old could be forced into marriage. I think young good as well. Where does it mean you see these old men or young braids like? Where is this? A lot of them are in the Middle East. The Middle East and countries like Afghanistan and those sort of places where they marry at six. They'll take a bride at six. But a lot of the ones you'll never find because I was never a statistic and people like to work doch chi wediiş syddus eiasol sut, u werth fwylla feu ei a yw a'r rhwych yn wedi seformuoma heatedau wedi huniefodau eu fe сначалаioeddai eu. Mae'r gweithioedd yn yr hynny ymwch i'r cyfodio, mae'r u werth fwyllaethau wedi'r seksioedd yngwch i'r oryntau sy'n ei gwaith. Mae'r yw'n ei gweithioeddau sy'n gweithioeddau'n ei wneud sy'n ei wneud sy'n eiwrdd. i'n gwyrdd yn ei gwyddech i'r gwyllwyr, i'r gwyllwyr, ac mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gwyllwyr, ac mae'r gweithio'r gwyllwyr. Mae'r gwyllwyr, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio, mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio. Mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio, ac mae'r gweithio. What about your dad? Who was this sexual? Do you were speaking about one of the videos? Was that your sister or your cousin? Who was that? About one or killing? Yeah, so, sorry. I became homeless in 2015, so we're jumping forward. I became homeless because of domestic violence. My ex partner tried to kill both me and my younger son. And the police came to find me. I was given a refuge, I guess, by a Christian lady. I know you don't believe in religion too much, but she's a sincere person. And I think just touching on religion, I have read every textbook that constructs itself as a religious text. And what I have taken from that is it gives you almost like a cheat guide of how you should live as a good person. But it's not the religion that you should be following, it's a way of life. And for me, my way of life is to be of service to others, to extend love, not to ignore people, to actually listen to people as opposed to just talk at them. And just to be a good human being, so that that can be a catalyst for someone else to follow my suit. She took me in because I was homeless, as I said, and the police came to talk to me. And I thought it was my ex partner making something up that I'd stolen something from him. Because the police were quite rubbish when it came to my situation. And they said they needed a character reference. And I said a character reference for who? And it was a lady, police woman. She said, well, we've just come back from India. And I said, why did you go to India? What's this got to do with me? And so we need a character reference on your father. There's a case against him for abduction. And I was really confused because you can imagine I've gone through a real traumatic time of 23 years of domestic violence, finally leave. And suddenly I've got police asking me about my father. And I said, well, I actually had a problem with my father when I was 21. He tried to kill me. And I did go to the police and she said, well, we're not here to talk about that. We had to talk about a six-year-old whose daughter. And suddenly I realized I had this six-year-old little sister that I knew nothing about. And he had taken her because she was half-polyish without the mum's knowledge and come from here to Poland, from Poland to Romania to somewhere else and ended up in India. And left her in India. This is what the police told me. And all I could think about is how scared she must have been because I know how scared I was at 21. My father's a very violent man. And my heart was breaking because by this time I've got my daughter, my two sons, I'm a mother myself. And I was just in hysterical tears. And she said to me, look, we just need to know how he is, how he treated you and I told her. And I said, why haven't you brought her back from wherever he's left her? And the police said, well, we know we got them. We weren't allowed in the building. And it made no sense to me. I said, well, tell me where it was, but she said, we can't tell you. And I did find out, you know, over time I found out because I started to not deliberately, but the way the universe is aligned, it brings people into your life. And I became aligned with two nonprofits. There were human trafficking nonprofits. They were helping people that had come out of human trafficking. I got on board to help them with their mindsets because when you've been in a situation like I had been, your brain washed to a set degree like you said earlier. And you don't know how to do the simplest things like go to the shop. You know, I've only just learned to go to shopping centers because I was never allowed. I was kept in this bubble. So I really got them. So I started working with that nonprofit and another nonprofit in America who actually snatch children away from the traffickers, especially around Super Bowl times. And I asked them and I said, you know, my sister's been missing. Do you think it could be anything to do with human trafficking? Because when I googled where she could have been left because I was getting bits of information from left, right and center, I realized it was a religious place that he'd left. And now if you're a religious place or a religious school, you're protected by the politics of that country. So if you were to go there, you're not allowed in sure from a different country. And I realized very quickly the pieces started to come together and to cut a long story short, I realized he'd sold it to traffickers where they harvest organs. And if they were weaker children, they would sell them to the UAE, the Middle East, a servant, this kitchen servants. And I had this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again that she wasn't here anymore. But I kind of tried to be optimistic and I realized that she's one of many. There are thousands of her that have been taken this way and sold for whatever reason. And I couldn't not do anything about it. So sorry, she was the catalyst as to why I did my first talk, which happened to just end up being a TED talk. Yeah, sorry, hear that, I know it must be difficult to speak about and open up these wounds, but if you're speaking out there and helps so many, because this will reach a lot of people. So it's a case of sometimes the cars that you've been dealt is because you're the one that can play them. Don't know what I mean, there's not a lot of people when you be sitting here and you've got every right to fucking try and enjoy life. It's not the answer, but you've got every excuse, not just one bit many. But it's a mad, mad story where you think, fucking hell that. In the same way as originally, I say that I've got many Muslim brothers and sisters and the best people in the planet, when I'm home, when I'm in the house, they're mum, they're cooking. It's unbelievable. Same as the Bible, and I've done my homeless documentary and I go out to go to meetings, gambling and stuff and a lot of people are trying to cry. And they're the best people ever who genuinely want to help people. I genuinely believe as a human being will look for guidance. We want something to believe in. And if you're believing in something and it's for the right reasons, let I say the caran in the Bible, we've got so many positives from it, but just a lot of that shit in it as well. It doesn't really be spoke about enough, if I'm honest, we can speak about the positives, but there's a lot of the brains are probably full tool. You'll notice yourself that it absorbs anything it sees or hears. And if you're constantly getting fed that information, then it's going to be normal that the majority of rapes on this planet are from white men as well. I'm not saying religions to blame, but if you go down the church route, the amount at the bowens they spend each year for the cover-ups of these pedophile priests and people, it's just that can, like I say, if you've got a religion or believe in something that seeks as well, I love their beliefs and what they do for the people. But just for me, it's to try and think for yourself, but if you're looking for guidance and if you're sure that a religion that's making you thrive in life and making you believe in something, you've got a higher power protecting you. For me, I believe as a higher power out there. I don't know what it is. I don't believe in one thing. I don't know what's created. I don't know why we're here. We all kind of got our purposes in life, but the stuff that you go then through it. How do you deal with that? How do you deal with trust? Obviously, you've came here as well. How does that trust? How do you function? Can through all that shit? How do you even communicate with a label where you don't seem as faithless as you walk in my history? I would never think you've been through the shit. You've been through, and that's the importance of another judge about how do you deal with trust and talking to men? It's really strange, isn't it? It's half of my clients, most of my clients, 90% of them are men. I feel I'm very maternal. I know that I have this maternal energy that people always seem to feel better when they're around me. I've been in situations where my security is with me today, where he's been with me, and we've sat at a table. People I don't even know have just sat there, and they've forgotten that everybody else around them is there, and they've just told me their deepest, darkest secrets and what's really hurting them, their traumas, and they've almost zoned everybody else out because I'm there. I understand I have that ability to do that, and to give people that safe space, my safe space is within me, I guess. I didn't like me very much, and I was forced to move from Leicestershire to where I live now, which was over, I think, two to three hundred miles, because the police said to me, "You know, we can't stop your ex partner trying to kill you." Again, my parents started looking for me, so it was a case of me having to up and leave, and at the time I remember thinking, "I don't really want to do this. Everything I've known is the country, I'm a country girl." I don't want to go to a city, I don't want to go somewhere where there's no green, because I'm very much backgrounding, but I had to do it. a'r hynny. A'r hynny. It was actually when I moved that I, because my sons, sons went through a lot as well with their trauma, with mental health. And one of them had tried to kill himself. He'd actually got himself a one-way ticket to America, tried to buy a gun. I hotel rooms booked for one day, left me a suicide note and his brother a USB stick with lots of their memories from films. And I'd gotten back, but I never got the right boy, but the same boy, because he changed. But we're not the same people we were yesterday. You know, we changed, we progress. He taught me a lot after it met. He taught me that I didn't listen when he tried to speak to me. He taught me that I never asked him, how are you? All I was thinking about was, right, we've gone from homeless to having enough money to rent a house. Now I've moved, I need to get a sofa, I need to get a TV, but I never want stop to say, what's going on with you? Often we just want to be heard, we want to be seen, we want to be present with that person. And there's so many voices that kept coming at all of us, you know, people from social services, I guess. The pharmaceutical people throwing, you know, try and take this drug, take that drug through the doctors. To the point where there was too much noise and I said to everybody, stop, we're going to move. I'm going to take him off the drugs. He's going to just have nothing but love around him with some foundations and some rules that where he can't go past, go through the plates, don't do this. But I'm going to leave him alone because there's that much going on in his head. He can't hear himself. And I did the same for myself. I stood in the garden one day when I was grounding and I decided to switch the noise off, which is difficult because from a young girl I've been told I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm worth nothing. But I said to myself, who do you want to be again? You know, talking to myself the way I do. And I said, Nina, who do you want to be? And I said, I want to be tall. So I told myself, I was tall. I said, I am beautiful because I realized that I'd never heard anyone. I never done anything wrong to anybody. In fact, I'd done the opposite. I'd gone way out of my way to make them feel good about themselves. So I was goodness inside. I was this energy that I had inside. I was just pure. And my real name doesn't mean pure, but it's just a boy's name, which is why I don't use it. And I thought, well, what else do you want to be? And I thought, well, don't overload yourself. Just take a few things. But I started progressively to tell myself who I wanted to be. And I unlearned 50 years because this happened when I was 50, 50 years of being told a certain thing. And I relant what I wanted to feel, how I wanted to be who I was. And I started to discover things I went to play pool for the first time. And I went against somebody I thought was really good. I did things like I went tempo bowling, hand them that. I'd never been Starbucks and my friend who was radio wants to take you. So, you know, they called in the little cups. And I just wanted to see my name on there. And I was so excited. I was jumping around like little girl who was like this embarrassing. But for me, it was the smallest things that I was finding pleasure in and I still am because I was never allowed to do them. And I think as people we forget to actually acknowledge the little things and we forget that we get to decide nobody gets to tell us who we are. No one gets to tell you who you are James. You decide that. But the other thing is I'm not a social media person. Never was. I obviously follow it now. But social media has been bombarding everybody of how to look like Kim Kardashian because that's the idealism of beauty or how to look like you know to be handsome. You have to have a certain physique or you have to have a certain height or a look. And I never thought anything of those things and I've realized that people were stuck. I'd never seen false eyelashes till I came to London on a train. And I remember saying to somebody because I was working as a nanny. I said, I saw this girl. She had really long lashes and I didn't know what to do. But I was staring and I knew I should be staring. But you know, it was quite alien to me or I was the alien one or the other. But I realized that my beauty was inside and it was always there. So I was actually lucky because whatever I did on the outside was a bonus. If I wanted to lose weight, I could because it was my choice. And I just discovered that life on the other side of fear was beautiful. It was free. There was freedom. There was love. And it was just a magical place to be. And now I want to literally grab everyone and say, come here. I've got this amazing secret. You know, someone said, what was your ideal job being? It isn't really if I was a post lady with handing out letters to everyone saying, this is how I see you. But when you read it, you actually read those words and you manifest them. You make them a reality because you've said them out loud. And I think that's important for anybody that's struggling after a mission is a massive thing. After a mission is what helped me change my life. I'd look 3040 and I used to go from every single morning. I still go for them. I change them every new year's eve because it's so important to you can trick your brain. Your brain doesn't know what's real or what's fake. So if you're getting told, you're shit. You're not good enough. You're a waste of if you're getting told or that shit, you're going to believe it. And that's the sad reality. And some people don't find strength. I don't ever get to that 50 years old standing in the garden. And I had it fairly, but I woke up something just this caught a spiritual awakening. But again, I always go back to the power of now. I can't talk fucking books. I have my life. I listen to all the books. I'm boring bastard. But I kept falling asleep. And it just it made me understand that everything that I was thinking about the past, the past brings fear anxiety, depression and guilt. I was stuck there. I was stuck in a loop. So how did you break the loop? Because what happens as you do something new consistently neurons in the brain which fire together, wire together, then create a new partner and then create some conscience mind to then be thinking differently. And all these things that are still practice me every day. Of course, I don't because I'm too caught up more and hype sometimes more podcasts more attention, like just stroke my ego because I don't feel good enough today. I'll post a photo. People say, oh, you're doing amazing. I feel good, but it's fake. It's not really love. I feel more alive. I'm doing cold water. I'm in the mountains. Listen, I love my kids. I've got a dog. My dogs. I'm going home. I'll pull it drive home tonight. I'll tomorrow morning. I'm going home for my dog. My kids will be I love my kids. But my dog is the love. I feel pure love with my dog. There's no answer in back. He's got my back. Listen, as much as I love my family, the fucking past as well. Hard work family and relationships and all that. And that's all I've ever wanted. It was a tight knit family. And when I was arguments of this agreements, it's a bit communication because there's no such thing as perfection. We can strive for it. It doesn't exist because people don't realize beauty, fame, money. There's never enough. I think often people get stuck in the trap wanting more, more, more. I'm fucking out of something. And they don't see what you have now. So if you become that person like myself right now, what I've got, I'm happy with. I strive for more because I want to help more people. But I don't forget to be grateful. It's a huge thing. I should be alive. I definitely should be alive. And I know that. But I remember speaking to somebody that you might know, called Leon McKenzie and he said to me once, I think you trained yourself like this as a young girl. You must have trained yourself to let go because you have this ability just to let go. And I've done that from a young age where I have not held on things. I don't hate my parents. People don't understand that. I don't hate anybody in my life. I actually love them more because they need that love. I forgave, but I don't forget. You don't forget these things. They hurt you because you've been through them. So how can you forget? But I would consistently encourage people to let go of things because they're heavy and you get to carry this weight around and you don't need it. You can be light and full of love like me if you just let it go. And it doesn't serve you. The lesson serves you. If you take the lesson forward. I've taken so many lessons forward and I look at my life and I think I've got 53 years of lessons. Maybe not the greatest lessons that other people would definitely not maybe make it through. But how could I help the people I'm helping now? How did you learn how to forgive? I forgave as a child. I was very forgiving because I didn't think I deserved anything better. So maybe in that space of low self-esteem, I forgave. And I stood at a zone out a lot. I was away with the clouds a lot of the time. I would read books and take myself to magical places. And I think that was a form of meditation in a way that I was able to do that. I've never hated anybody even after I left my ex-partner. I want to say anything bad about him until recently and people know that around me because I just didn't think it was very gracious to say something because it wasn't going to achieve anything. I knew what he'd done. My children knew what he had done. But why did I need to talk about it only until I realized the importance of speaking about domestic violence and some of the things he's done that created this. I almost warped sense of reality that I had because I was so scared all the time that I need to say that because there will be another woman or a man out there that's also suffering from that. And I've just helped a guy that lived in Canary-Wolf in London who moved thousands of miles away because he was in a very dangerous relationship. I didn't see it until somebody from the outside like myself said, "That's not normal." Because when you're in it, you don't see it. You've been in relationships, I'm sure James, where people from the outside said, "That's not a good relationship but you still carry on doing it." Maybe you feel like you owe it to that person or it's okay for now or things might change. You get almost make excuses for bad behaviour. I understand that. importance of standing in your truth. It's the superpower to actually be standing and saying what's happened to you without feeling bad for it because we're taught to almost feel bad that we've been through certain things but everything that's happened has brought me to where I am now so I would never change it and I can reach out to a young girl that's been attacked or raped or abused and I can empathise on a different level. I can actually hear her the unspoken words I can hear when she does a certain gesture I'll recognise that movement because I was there once you know that girl that is maybe survived and non-killing I would recognise that too and I would understand somebody who's given birth to a son that's passed away because mine did you know I I struggle with that still because it's not an easy thing to deal with but I wouldn't understand it had I not been there so I see my education as my life I didn't go to university but I have this amazing ability to be able to help people from what I've learnt. How do you sort of for all our care and let's touch on that how bad is it for people to get an understanding of actually what goes on with it all how bad is it in the UK first of all? Well I everything happened to me in the UK you know when I did go home that day they'd broke my arm my jaw and when I fell down they stamped on me damaged my hair but there wasn't literally one piece of skin that wasn't ripped or covered completely in blood from the attack and it was a really vicious attack you know they wanted to kill me and I remember my father having his foot on my throat really pressing down and I swear I left my body at that point because I felt nothing and I remember speaking to myself and saying that's it now and I was kind of happy if I'm being honest it was kind of like a nice warm good feeling but I remember someone saying not not yet and when I did go back I felt nothing at all and that happened in the UK in Leicester people say what happened in the 90s but not long ago about seven eight years ago my father you know was in prison because he had abducted my sister so the mindset doesn't change because they get away with it and they think they're above the law all the law actually doesn't do what they should be doing for these people like you said there should be a harsh a sentence I think too for all of these kind of abusive behaviors for them to stop otherwise they continue because they think they can get away with it what about all around the world how extreme as that what's the how many one of Kevin's I was up here the other is here well North Africa has the highest number of onkilling statistically obviously I don't believe in statistics because I was never one and then we have Pakistan India and the Middle East but they are very common and they could be like I said over the silliest things what is known as silly to us I often have been kicked off Twitter linked in all social media because I put things on that people don't want to see you know why and one guy sent me a message saying do you have to put such disturbing posts on you know just ignore it because I put a gentleman take that back I'd put on a guy holding his wife's severed head and it was a picture taken because now social media plays a part of look what he's done he's upheld the honor and he was parading this around the village with blood dripping from you know the bottom part of her head because he'd killed her because he felt she had looked at a man and just to look you know I remember my ex partner saying to me sometimes you look you looked at that guy and I'm thinking I don't know there was a guy there you know I'm driving it was like you walked in must have to drive with blinkers on so people take things to the extreme and they are continuing to do it because they teach the younger generation that's the only way forward and until we educate the younger generation to be more compassionate that's why where I believe there will be a change to understand how to treat one another to be more compassionate with themselves too. With you think that as in Mendo the paranoia listen I used to do when I was drinking and your soul just dark and your presence is dark I was always a loud happy guy I treat people pleasing but it never seen me when I was myself and lonely and depressed and then but soon as somebody's seen me when I was a big fake smile and I was all just a loudest man and as the old saying as the loudest as a weakest and a was weak but what do you think that is in men it's not just Indian culture or Pakistan it's the majority of men but is that because it don't feel secure in themselves there's a possessive kind of controlling nature that caught me be talks at masculinity there's so many things you can talk about but I see it in a lot of men I see it in myself j erasing just scared of my fault my issue was that I was too scared that I wasn't good enough so that's it that's the word good enough. They would go with some day also the paranoia kicks in the j erasing the possessiveness but what do you think that is? That's it you hit the nail on the head good enough most of my clients come forward because they don't feel good enough. And that's like I walk those I kid love or what I believe in self love and people think self loves wishy washy but it really isn't it is an empowering thing to love yourself so much that you don't care what anybody thinks of you I don't care what you think of me in that respect if you think I'm too fat or maybe too Indian you know I've been called too Indian before as well which makes me laugh but I've even in the opposite being called too too English you know because of the way I speak apparently but I don't care I actually don't care so I'm happy being me completely 100% are there things I want to change about myself yeah a little bit but I can do something and I am doing something you know so I don't use the terminology I'm I'm I use the word yet so I add on the word yet to everything so I'm not size I want to be yet but I don't say that I'm fat because I'm not I'm great I love myself and if you don't love me for who I am that's on you not me because that's something inside you it's your perception of what beauty or love should be and I think as a as a world we have forgotten how to love but going back to men most of my clients come forward because they don't feel good enough they just don't feel good enough and they have everybody around them coaching them they have everybody around them telling them what to eat telling them they can do this but when they get in that cage it's just them it's you against you so to speak so it's overcoming that understanding that believing in yourself that you are good enough that you are everything that everyone's told you because they're mirrors of you and they do put on a show we have faces I've written this in my book that I forgot to bring we have faces for the bank manager we have faces for podcast and we do that because that's what we've been told we've been told that but the world does it's so fast pace there's so much technology from social media radio television you go back to schooling the girl I was talking about earlier listen everything's wrong even from the day of birth as soon as our women gives buff she's lining her back was she's wrong we're born an artificial light was she's wrong we cut the embilical cord again was she's wrong it's for their stem cells for her nutrients we're giving a name we're giving a date of birth we're giving our religion we're giving so much from birth as soon as we enter this earth it's all fucking backwards we're giving girly's are taking injections for the pain but again it's not natural for a kid to come out drugged up or get them in vaccines we're giving so much from birth is wrong and you wonder why we're fucked up at 40s and 50s and 60s and teenagers because there's so much confusion we're getting sick education at school primary schools are teaching out we've got fucking drag queens within story times leave the fucking kids alone man you wouldn't get kids going to strip joints it's 18+ for a reason but for me it's it's not a sin it's it's love but it's hard because everything's competition I want to be the biggest podcast in the world so I was in competition I always wanted to be the biggest I've got a theory I've got a theory that we're all dead I've said this few times people just look at me gone out but it's fine it's what I think it's how I believe I feel we're all dead and we're sent back here to this game and this is the game of life and this clue is all along the way game of life and if you stick to the rules which are the religious texts the good be good person you get to play snakes and ladders but they're going to throw things in they throw in filters people can't take a normal photo without a filter now because they don't like the way they look people's the lowering everyone's self-esteem and their vibrational energy to a point where they don't know who they are and they become those little people that copy copy copy people will not say it's wrong to take drag queens into schools because they don't want the other parents or other people to look at them in a way that you know they might not look at them in a way that they feel good about themselves so they might feel picked on like we've said before you become a victim of other people's opinions you become that target but I reckon whoever these people are that are playing a game with us they've put a few people in the mix like yourself like me maybe that have the ability to recognise the wrong and rights to tell the others and if you were standing at the front of a large amount of people are standing at the back they would be covered with light but if you step away they would see the dark but they don't see it and that's one of his steps away they think there's always light there but you and I have worked really hard we've battled with our demons we've danced with them to get to where we're going to get to nearly up those ladders they're still sliding down snakes and they don't know any different because they believe you should look like him you should have her extension you should put all this makeup on and they don't know that they don't need it because it's just a bodysuit that's taking us through this game of life what real life is is when we're set free from this body and our spirits can literally go from this place to another without even anything blocking it that's true freedom and everyone says well we are spiritual creatures yes we are and people say do you believe in God I'm God and the reason I say that is because because if God has created everything, and people hate it when I say this, He created this table, this microphone, this jacket, this hair. So I'm an extension of Him, so I am God. You are God. But people won't get it, because they only hear one part of the story, they won't understand where I'm coming from. But I believe if we all understood, and we all kind of woke up and questioned things, which is what we're taught not to do with the subliminal messages, continuously coming, coming, coming. Like the colors of Ukraine, the colors of take your COVID-jabs and the rest of it, they're continuously in our faces, but we know it. But if we have to address it and we have to face up to it, then we have to also understand things and not as we see them. And that's an uncomfortable place to be. Knowing about the darkness of human trafficking is uncomfortable for people. They don't want to know that. So the draw that pretend it doesn't happen. It happened to my sister, so I have to admit to it. I have to do something because I'm not going to be part of a problem. I'm going to be part of that solution. Yeah, it's mad in it. I'll just shut it, go through and laugh. I took drugs. I sold drugs. I've done a lot of bad. But, and then I look at the life now. Now, now, how's the thing that light was cool? I thought it was cool. To be certain in parties for three, four days, fucking high on cocaine and alcohol and being loud and shouting. And I thought it was cool. And that was normal for me. And now I look back at it. I don't feel sick, I think. I just think, how fucking deleted was I? How fucked up in my mind that I thought that was normal to sit in a house party, talking shite, talking about saving the world while you're high on drugs and alcohol, while I was a father, while I had kids. Do you know what I mean? I used to get my kids get a photo, put it on Facebook, and people go, "Oh, how good dad." Now, I've seen them for four days because I was out party. But if you were talking about saving the world, even in your subconscious state, you knew there was more to it. Well, you can personally actually sit at parties and think, look at the fucking state of them. That was one of them. Balls, now I had to hire power-alls, and I had high aggrativeness to be something special. I had it from a very young age, even playing football and everything that I'd done. I always had a gift of something. I was always just the best that without even trying, I had such gifts, but I never worked on my gift, and I never worked on the talent. Now I've found a passion, what I'm good at, how I can create stories, how I can create patterns, and how we can pull our story together from a conversation with no notes. And people go, "Wow, I was gripped to that because why it's a rollercoaster of emotion is to show people that they ain't fucking alone." And that's the thing about life. Why do you think what Hylene? Oh, I know why I'm here. Why I completely know why I'm here. I'm here to show the world that love is the highest form of emotion that you can have. It's wealth. It's actually almost like that winning lottery ticket that you can have. But people, as I said before, the world have forgotten how to love. We cross over the road if someone coughs near us. We just don't extend that love. You know, when I came in, you gave me a hug. People don't do that anymore. They don't know how, they think it's weird if a woman and a man actually just show one another emotion. We've kind of switched off to a point we cannot show emotion. We feel it's a weakness. And I've said a thousand times in my weakest times is when I actually found my strengths. And for me to be able to give that much love to people is just the start for me. I know that too. With the messages I get, I could play them to you all day long. But I have people saying to me, you know, when we saw your story, we understood that I wasn't alone. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for speaking out against the culture. Thank men saying to me, thank you for being as honest as you are because it made me realize that I was doing that. I was the perpetrator. And I say to them, you're not a perpetrator, that's your criminal. Because if you were to steal your wife's car, you'd be a criminal. If you do that to your wife, you are a criminal. Look at it in a different way. So with my message of hope and love, I know that I'm going to be a catalyst with other people like I was saying. And when we all come together, I know the world would be a lot better place. So how can things get put in place for changes? Because you know yourself, the voices can be so soft. Sometimes it was not enough to then create change. It's mad because the people who think they run this world or in control of it, there's very few of them. The power of the people is standing up. And that's what happens. You see things in Paris, Italy, and people roaming streets and sticking together and uniting, creating change. Because how are they going to create change? Same as worse, less than worse on mother. So people die in mother for what? For greed for power? And yet we are fucking brainwashed enough to go towards 16 and 18. That's in my great grandparents' fault and was nothing but love and respect for them. But again, it's the conditioning of thinking it's normal. Who you fighting for? Who you fucking fighting for? For what? Everybody die and young kids die for what? For people's greed, for people's power? The destruction of this from viruses. And you can go so deep into life. But what do you think it's created? What does, what do you think is the creator? And all those gods and those religions and all that. But how can the heart function a central nervous system this fine? Hered grows on nails. How can we see smell, touch, feel, taste? That's not came out. In my opinion, what's something created as well about avatars, really aliens, like you say, we're in a game, snakes and ladders. So we're coming back, reincarnation, learn your lessons before you go to a better place. Because sometimes it feels amazing here. I'll get little busts, I tend to let it sink. So not last long, I feel fucking amazing. And in the mind of, well, that's when you get that kid. You ain't going to be feeling amazing today and it'll be a little more negative. And that negative will ruin my day because it plays at my mind longer than the positive. The less you care about what other people think, the quicker you're going to get to the top of that board game. As a man, no, it's difficult. I feel as if obviously what you've went through is there's no words to put in. Yeah, actually what you've went through. But as a man, as a man, I actually, when I was going home from London free weeks ago, I got a train home and a boy said, "Jews English." I said, "Yes, but I gave my head. "Cardoda boy started fucking crying." I sat with him for another half. I missed my train, got an ex-one static crying. Like you see a powerful few hugs. I'm doing five seconds, you'll feel the energy. How are they? And their guard drops instantly. And that's being through a boy's stomach contact now. And yeah, he's doing good, but men are struggling. We don't know how to turn to. We don't know how to speak. And we do speak out nobody's listening. And like I say, as early before the podcast, everybody's a lot of people, more people are speaking out now, but sometimes I feel as if people use it as because it's popular. Oh yeah. And that's the sad thing because of suicide at an all time high. Something's not right. So people can speak out as much as they want, but I'll be listening enough. There's enough things in place for men to really open up and understand that you're good enough. You can make changes. But together we'll have done the podcast before U.S. says and a lot of these people struggle with mental health. A lot of them are drinking, taking drugs, overeating, not exercising. It's going to fuck your mental health, even doing one of them, smoking, whatever, pharmaceutical drugs. That even tells you in the box, the pharmaceutical box is like you still be suicidal. For me, over the years, I've learnt called Water Therapy. This is the dopamine levels. Battles being anxiety, loads depression. Try to eat a bit better, which I, like I said, is earlier I struggle with. Going over affirmations, going over goals, and the key element for me as well is having purpose. I've got a part of purpose. I've got a bit of get up and dry because motivation doesn't exist. I can listen to podcasts and motivational videos on YouTube and I feel great for 10 minutes per week. I say that little negative photo kick in, and I can be lazy. But what do you think it is for me and just now is why the fuck are you struggling? I mean, I've been giving free talks around and for three years. Why free? Because it means a lot to me. It's mental health, I speak about in young men. Both of my sons have, my youngest and just come off the national register for suicide. High-risk suicide register. And my other son was self-harming and I didn't even know about it. It was our trackers. Their father, because they had watched me being treated really badly for 23 years. My pillow was set to light when I was asleep. My youngest son became homeless with me because of an attempted murder. And that's another husband or the same one? No, because what happened is after the on a killing, I ended up going back to my friends that I met at the office, so to speak. And he split it with his girlfriend and I ended up getting an renting room from him. He ended up raping me, got me drunk, kind of a drunk before my life. And I ended up having a daughter, but in my culture, mentally, I was programmed. You stay with whoever you've had a child with. So I stayed with him for 23 years and I ended up having four children, one of them died because of his way he treated me. But the other three are here and the amazing children. Were you pregnant? I was pregnant. I was eight months pregnant just coming up to full term and he pushed me downstairs. And when I got to the hospital, he'd left me and when I did get to the hospital, he, Tyler died at birth. There's my little boy. But I know that he's around me. I know that all the time that he's around me. Yeah. But it's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with and I've had to deal with a lot, that's just something that I want me to put. And who was that, can you put this as a culture? He was Nigerian. It wasn't a love marriage. It wasn't we weren't in love. We never dated. We didn't really, I didn't understand about relationships and this is the problem. If you come from a culture like mine, you don't understand that someone's supposed to wine and dine you and look after you and take care of you and ask you how you want, cook for you even sometimes. You think you're subservant to them. So you're literally doing everything for them, but I was an entrepreneur, I had created a lot of wealth and with that sometimes there's that greed, isn't there, that comes along and he was very greedy. He wanted more and more and more. So the more he wanted, I would do more within terms of business, but cut along story short, he tried to kill us and my children struggled because they didn't understand why their father, A, would want to try and kill their own, his own. And just the way he was, it was a very controlling scenario. be worth a lot of time. friends, our car was tracked, the children couldn't have play dates, they played professional football, they were an academy for West Brom. My elders had trials for Barcelona, they both got into Barcelona, they weren't allowed to go. There was a lot going on, you know, but it was a case of not being allowed to do it, but the boys just didn't understand and they couldn't deal with it. But as I said, from my experience, when I decided my youngest wouldn't be on the drugs, when he wouldn't be harassed by people asking him questions that weren't really leading anywhere, I left him alone. And I think when you shut off the world with certain point and it's the negative voices, that's what you need to do, if someone out there was struggling, especially a male, they have to get rid of those negative voices that are still around them to get rid of them. And we can be toxic, even I can be toxic and I know it's sometimes, we all have that within us, but to get rid of that person that's continuously toxic in their life is a fresh, a breath air, it's a case of, you know, freeing your mind and then you have to work on the past. You don't have control of that, you know that yourself, you're not there anymore, you're here, you're right here with me, but you're still sometimes going back there and forth and you're playing this game almost in yourself of back and forth, it's like a two-and-fro thing, but you get to decide, you get to decide, James gets to decide today, I'm going to stay here, I'm not that person, but that person taught me so much, I've got that wealth of knowledge now. And you know finding a purpose like you said is a huge thing, I gave my youngest son a purpose, I said look I'm going to go into property, I want you to help me, this is what I want you to do, he was on it, he was reading everything, he'd gone from playing games which I don't like, then mind numbing, to actually reading and reading is huge, it takes your way, it's an escape in a way, and like you said, you know the cold water therapy, everyone's different, so what might be good for me and might not be good for you, I do believe in psychedelics to a certain degree, I haven't taken them myself, but my eldest son, the middle child, he has taken some and it helps him, and I think they tell you they're bad for you because actually they know they're good for you, insert and controlled environments, you know. I think that's the keys, I don't know, you'll ask a four years ago, but I'm a control freak, I fought against it, they kept telling me to surrender, I'm thinking I'm fucking surrendering, I'm fighting this fucker, that's what I've done since the day I was born, was fight, angry, not what, I was a good kid man, just, Guided wrong, my mum and dad loved me, and like the great people, the more I've got older, the more I realise how much they actually done from that rough area, where I'm from, there's a place called Bors, when it's one of the most deprived areas in the UK, but so many great people, they're all fucking lunatics, prisoned violence, but it was normal then, it just, it was a way of life, and obviously when you get older and you start having to digest everything and understanding it, or I'll be a fuck top past, but I can be okay, I went to Costa Rican, that's plant medicine, I bought an tick, it's all one, I feel as if it can be very cold as well, so people need to be aware, it can be very cold, a lot of people use this spiritual energy as if they're gods, and as more abuse and more shit happens, so I don't want to, I don't want to be a faker, I don't want to, because I've been offered to sell fucking bitcoin and promote this CBD, and this and that, for me everything's internal, because you can get to a higher state without Iawasker, without fucking MDMA, without alcohol cigarettes, the only thing it takes you to a higher state and that is meditation, meditation is a key for all the fucking pain, if you're setting your own mind, five minutes before bed, five minutes when you get up, the most crucial points of your life as a first hour and the last hour, it's your most creative. That's the first thing I do in my clients, I teach them this real easy kind of guided meditation, sometimes I record it for them as well, and it's that escape, you get to decide where you want to go today, so where do you want to go, I'm going to give you three doors, you choose what's on the other side of the door, and it's almost like taking them into a place that they deserve, and they have to learn to believe they deserve it, I deserve the life that I'm building, I deserve it, and more, and that's not arrogance, there's a difference between arrogance, I could sit in designer clothes and think very little of myself, so I choose to decide what I want to wear for me, not for you to judge me, and when you get to that point it really does free you, and for men I think it's harder, because you're seen as the alpha, you're seen as the person that's supposed to have it all under control, and it's easy to get lost, it's easy to get lost and keep faking it to the people that you're looking after, that you're, you know, you want to sort of be that role model for, but when you do switch and you find it that completes self-love, it's a very calming place to be, it's exceptionally calming, it's just giving in, and you said control, you want to be in control, because you're scared of what's on the other side of not being in control, but if you were to allow yourself, if you allowed yourself just to be, you would find such peace, such peace. Because everything I've done has got me this far, and it's an element of being vulnerable, and it's scary because I know how rufless it is outside these doors, and I don't want to be show vulnerability, vulnerability is key, my kids will see me vulnerable, my dog will see me vulnerable, the people who love me will see me vulnerable, but you'll never see me crying in front of you, but you'll see me cry alone, if I was f*cking cameras on my room or whatever, but you'll never see me, because it's, I've just got to get on with it, everything I've created, I've created through vision, hard work, belief, no def f*cking funded, mean up, they backed me, they'll laugh at me at the start, nobody knew what a podcast was in school, and five years ago, I should have such a drive of, I need to focus on to something, because when you were gambling and taking drugs and womanizing and everything that I was doing, externally to fill an emptiness in me, I needed to fill a void, because I was lost, I'm still lost, I still don't know what the f*ck I'm doing, I just know what I'm doing now is working, I know I've got plans and visions, I'll come up with goals, I'll write down my affirmations, I'll write down my goals, and every new year's Eve, I'll go with my goals from the year before, and majority of them are 60, 70% in them at hit, but some believe we're frightened stuff down and goes down how actually it becomes clear, I think it's 50%, 60% more clearer than the mind, but like I said, I'm still, I still don't know what the f*ck is going on, and that's the beautiful thing about life, I just know what I'm doing, there's a rate of reasons. But you keep using the word "I did this, I've done this, me", it's never been about you. Who's that about? It's just about us, we are all one, you know, you're an extension of me, I'm an extension of you, I'm here because of you, I'm your here because you've invited me, but we're here because of one another, and when you stop seeing the outer is not part of you, it just brings it all together, it brings everything together that you understand that this whole thing is for you, primarily, but you don't have to fight it because it's there for you already, you just need to take it, you need to accept it. It was what surrender I didn't like, as well surrender to me, it feels like defeat, you know what I mean? Words are so powerful, but you know that already. The words are the most powerful thing that we can discuss and talk about because we speak things into existence, you think the world doesn't know if you're joking, and I have quite that humor, I was making jokes, but I realised I was making jokes, and I was just wanting to have a laugh, but I was doing it to deflect, I was in pain, it's not mean it's difficult because I still swear, I'm still wearing my heart, my sleeve, I'm still passionate about certain things, I get it wrong, sometimes I still get angry, I still get pissed off, somebody cuts me off the road, I think, and I cringe, why am I getting angry? Well, they've just stole my power, Mike Tyson says, and some day was talking to him and he says, I had some done his podcast and the kid was saying, if people are doing me wrong, I just cut them off, Mike Tyson says, why? He says, because I don't want negative people in my life, he says, but then they're all new, and he says, why? He says, because they've changed you. Yeah, because you've allowed them that. And that was powerful. How did you end up getting away from the other message then? I'm laughing because it's fucking. Yeah, there's a lot more to my story, you've not covered it really, but well, I was taken away by social services and then given a place to live, which was really disgusting, because it had human feces smeared everywhere, but that was my safe house, apparently. I wasn't allowed to stay there because on paper I was a millionaire, which I was because I had a lot of property, I had several businesses running, but I had not a penny to my name, and I'd left with nothing just a coat. And the system let me down, the system let me down, I'd paid into the system so much, so that I was let down, so I had nothing, so I became homeless with my younger son. And then a lady, as I said, offered me a place to stay, and I moved away. I had to move away, and when I did, I rediscovered me, and when I discovered me, I. everything just seemed to fall into place. You know, I understood there's no difference between you and I, and I'm in the right places all the time, because that's how my life is. I stood, I think, in Canary Walfour, it was, and a whole load of people came around the corner. They were UFC fighters, I don't know who they were. I was trying to get out of a fire engine, because I climbed in, because, you know, I'd had a few drinks, and I'm playing this youthful person that I would have had in other chance to be, and I just wanted to be in the fire engine, and the person that took me out was one of the heavyweight champions of the world, and he took me out, put me down, and we started talking. And I spent from 7pm that night until 11am with about 15 of these fighters, just talking, and I was listening more than I was talking. But the little I would say was a value. I don't believe in just talking for the sake of it. A lot of people do that because they're deflecting, as you said earlier, from how they're feeling. But if I'm listening to what you're really asking me, and sharing what I feel, because a lot of coaches, because there's a lot of life coaches out there, there's millions, they don't tell you really what to do. They almost play a game with you, and I find it frustrating. When people come to me, they come to me, and a lot of mental We'll pay. pain and these are big guys but they're in so much mental pain. If I was to just ignore that and not give them any love, then I'm not me. So I will give them options. This is what you can do or this is what you can do or this is what what would you like? How what's going to help you out of these things I've suggested? And that's what I was doing all night and then one of them kept talking to me was at France at the time and he said to me, I'm going to America soon, I've been signed up as well, bloody blab and then it got to a point where he was winning a lot of his fights within seconds of actually getting into the cage. And then he ended up employing me because I said, I can't keep doing this free. I've got to be able to find a job or something and he said, I know I will pay you and you pay me a huge amount and I thought, this is what I'm worth because he's my mirror, he sees my value even if I didn't because we find it hard to ask for money sometimes which is difficult for people but you have to learn that if you don't ask you don't get. And also, yeah, it's keeping that process of giving tape going, you give me something and you take something. And if we block it, block it, block it, that's when we cannot get further with what we're trying to achieve. There's some on my client's lab, but I brought this thing out, it's not selling. Okay, well, let's talk about it, let's see why it's not selling. Mm hmm. What if you figured out with me that like I say, you have see photos, I know a lot of boxes are just broken inside the constant of trying to compete like combat sports is rifless, rifless, it's not barbaric in a way, yes, possibly, but as men as well competition is good, I believe it's healthy, but we're just living as a side, but then again, I watched everything I do and the man says, feed them bread and water and they don't ask the real questions because we're sitting sports events and people, footballs, all people have in their life as well. And that's kind of sad because there's a lot more to it, but people can just be folks all focused on something that doesn't really benefit their life even for that small segment that might have their goalscord, but they're constantly looking for new signage, new players and injuries and results and it's constant, not got enough time to then concentrate on themselves, but I understand everything as a sport as a game, I'll watch it, I played football for years, I love it, but it doesn't fulfill me just listening to okay, I'll maybe look at the result and then that's that I'm done, but you can be brainwashed by sports as well, why the actors get paid the most sports stars as well because they can make in people, wouldn't say busy, but that is not dumbing them down, but it's keeping them occupied. So what's really going on in the world? So a lot more shit that we should be looking into it. You look at golfers and NBA stars, I get paid right now, though I think 400, 500 million a year, should one person be getting it? I get you've got a value or worth it, but look at the homeless situation, the abuse, the suicide plot, we could be doing a lot more as individuals, no doubt these people do so much for charity and I'm not just trying to pack one person out, but I feel as if there should be a lot more things that we could be discussing and focusing on, but again that's just the way the world works, but with a few scene and men where you've found that connection that really makes them see the world differently. I go back to the beginning with them, I always do, because with my own experience, I come from a place of learnt behaviour myself. So often you forget what you had to do to become that footballer, you forget that journey and a lot of people only see your end result. Oh, James has been amazingly now. Look at him, he's doing great Nina. Nina's been, how does she get to be that public speaker that she has done great, but they haven't seen the journey and often with sports people, I respect them so much I always have done. It's the journey that actually makes you as a person, but you forget that. So you're cutting weight, you're training seven times a week, you're making sure you've got the right diet, you're getting enough sleep, you're hitting the gym enough times, and then you have the fight and you win and then what? They can't even celebrate their win, because suddenly it's an emptiness that win lasts them, that celebration lasts them maybe 10 minutes, then they sit back in their changing room and they don't really know what to do because they've been hype, hype, hype, but they forget about their own journey and it's acknowledging your journey, acknowledging what you have gone through to get to that place and having that gratitude that we talked about, that gratitude keeps you sane to a certain degree, keeps you balanced, there's a balance because otherwise it's very, there's no balance. You've got to bring it back down and say, "That's great, I'm going to give myself self-care because I deserve it, I've just been really battling with my own weight even because cutting weight, when they have to cut weight it's really difficult for them. I've been with people where they've cut weight, they're really weak, they go to get weighed up and then they're still not feeling right and I don't think it's very healthy either, but it's just for them to acknowledge that they have been through that process to sort of say to themselves, "All right, I'm really going to sit down and acknowledge it on that day, I felt really bad, but now I've won and to celebrate themselves because they don't celebrate themselves, they're then told, "If you don't do this, you're going to lose it." Yeah, you've got to stay on it. So you're going to stay on it. Yeah, that's the thing I've been calling back, sports and that's why you see boxers coming back at 50 because of something missing, but it's not really just that the word system, the dopamine levels of just skyrocketed when you're walking in to a feat. After that, I remember I had a box in feet nearly two years ago, Manchester, front of thousands of people, and I was like, "I always like to test myself," and I didn't enjoy it until obviously after winning, but then again, it was a couple of minutes and I went back to the hotel room myself, I don't drink, everybody was out partying, and I kind of, not emotional, but just thinking that's it done, wasn't it? Yeah, and I ain't a fighter. That's the common thing. Yeah, I can handle myself, but I'm not a combat when I'm giving my whole life to it, but I just thought, "Fuckin' hell, look what? I know of a load of work, there's a dump or a journal." You see, to move forward from any trauma, you have to really acknowledge it as a new have to say out loud, you have to go back to that deep darkness because we have a habit of pushing things aside, or we shrink them and pretend they're not as bad as they are, and I did that a lot with the rape, I didn't admit it until not that long ago, two years ago, I think it was I admitted it to my best friend, and I pretended it didn't happen because it was easier to deal with, but to overcome the trauma, especially for men, whatever's bothering them, they really have to acknowledge it, whether they messed up in a relationship, whether they're not at the place they want to be, they have to actually say to themselves, out loud, okay, I acknowledge that I messed up, and how it feels, they have to acknowledge, and actually listen to themselves of how they feel, they don't have to have a conversation, then they don't need to lie about it or fake it and make it better than it is, they just need to be truthful with themselves. When you do that, then you can move forward slowly, it's a slow process, but that's the only way you can move forward. Yeah, that's the thing about trauma, I'm paying like I said, I love that, you know, it becomes make it, it really makes you a villain, a hero, and the same thing when there's clouds coming like, everybody's got different levels of trauma and pain, but you look at the cows and the bulls, the first thing when a storm comes, the cows, what do they do, they run away, they run away and hide, but what does a bull do, they bull runs towards the storm because I don't know if they run towards a storm that won't last as long, same as your trauma and pain unless you face it, you ain't going to fucking heal it, you've got to face it to heal, you've got to feel it, and it's so painful, like you say it's easier to suppress it, but 40 years later, 50 years later, it's always going to come ahead. But that's why I think so many men are feeling the way they are, and also it's the lack of support, I don't think men are supported as much as they need, people think they can do it without the support. You know, I'm thinking back to some of my clients and they've lost parents or they've lost a partner and they feel, you know, they're surrounded by fake people, they lack that support and it's the trust that you came to before. You know, I trust my judgement now and I don't feel right in a place, I'll leave, I don't need to explain. Often I'll go places and I'll just stand on my own, I'm happy my own company and someone the other day said to me, I went to an event and they said to me, oh, hi, and they were quite aggressive and they were people from my culture, it was a male and I said, can you just leave my space please? I don't feel bad about saying it, I don't feel like I had a attitude, he probably did and then he moved away, he didn't understand me and he said something to somebody else and they were like, ask Nina though, you can't say that to Nina, it's Nina, you know, and I was quite happy to your own thing. Yeah, you've got to protect your own space. The same as I got offered to go to events and stuff, as you don't go, people say, I used to change this and that, you're fucking right, I have changed, I've argued me and I can't do that. Yeah, and I just, I didn't get time for, I don't mind being around people if they're having a couple of drinks, I don't mind that, but it's once they get past that two drinks, they become more in your face, they become more personal and ask, that shit, they don't have a husband or sober, but yet I walk anywhere on my head, tell time, any fucking where I've gone to rooms, like here to them here myself, I've gone to houses and build fast, I've gone to podcasts, love a pill, Manchester, some criminals, I've sat myself, some of the rooms are five people, ten people, but my presence, I'm in a job, I always feel spiritually connected, anyway, nobody is ever going to sit and I try anything because I'm not there to harm anybody, but I'm always go confident and it's sad because the people who drink alcohol always think they've got that extra, but as if they're the big show, but you speak to that person the next day as a low in other than their sober and you'll see a totally different person, you'll see a vulnerable person kind of scared and I'm saying, what about the alcohol thing, when did you start drinking? Oh, well, my first experience of drinking was when my ex partner got me drunk and then I ended up having my daughter because he raped me. I'm not really a big drinker, I did go through a bout of drinking admittedly, but it was to forget things. I did, I remember it when things were really tough and I just moved into my home, I actually started to realise what had happened in my life, it was like a realisation, a lot has happened, you know, a lot of trauma had happened. And sometimes I would drink just to not feel like you said earlier, because it's the calming place. But I've always been a meditative, I've always meditated. And I don't drink as much, maybe I do, on occasions, but mediation for me is crucial every night, I unpack, which a lot of people don't do, they just lie down and they try to fall asleep. But every night I have this system where I physically see myself coming downstairs, with a bin bag full of the things that I didn't particularly like that day. And I tie the bin up and I pick the bin lid up and I throw it in the dust bin outside. And then I go back upstairs, and I physically see myself doing this, and then I'm in my bed. And then I'm calm. And then I think of the nice things, the sunshine, the green bed that I saw flying by, what was it? And I speak to myself, I've always had this thing. And I think that actually is a really good way of clearing everything from the day and starting a new fresh day. And most days, I would say, five out of seven days, I jump out of bed and I say, yes, I do. I'm really happy, I get up and I'm excited. And it doesn't have to be that I'm going anywhere, or seeing anyone. Obviously I'm a real person, so I get emotional and some things have affected me too, like family, my children. (laughs) You know, they tend to affect me a lot. - Fucking hell. - They are. - It's not easy being a parent. - How much you work on yourself? Or how in Chunya? - No. - My daughter rails me up the most, because she's only got to ever have me wrapped around her finger. I know I see it and that's okay, man, but I try and be strict, I'm a strict, I'm going to be honest, I'm a strict father. 'Cause I'm so protective, I always have been with everybody, but I'm a protective instinct. - I keep saying I'm going to write a book called How I Fuck My Kids Life, because I think I will, because I did. No one teaches you how to be a parent. And even when you try your best, there's something that's just not good enough. So I don't beat myself up anymore with them. I know I'm doing my best, but they can affect me emotionally. They're the only ones that can do that. Otherwise, nobody else can really affect my mood or how I feel. I'm normally on a 10 out of one to 10, I'm normally there, but that's because I choose to be. - When are you at your happiest? - I suppose we're done with my kids. - When are you at your long list? - I'm not lonely. - When does that hurt you though? 'Cause we all have bad days, no matter how much we're wasting. - I feel, when I get a message come through, and I've had a lot of messages come through recently, from people that need help, last Sunday, it was a low point, 'cause I had a nine year old girl sitting on my knee that had been trafficked. She had been sold, well, no, she had like a distant aunt that had brought her from Nigeria to Italy, sold her into prostitution, and then somehow somebody in the hospital helped her get to the UK, and she's now with a foster family, and she was sitting on my knee. That was heavy, because I saw my own sister, I saw lots of other girls, and I feel helpless sometimes. So sometimes I do get that feeling of not being able to do enough quick enough, but I feel I'm a real person, I feel someone else's pain so much, it's almost, you know, really sort of tears me apart. - Yeah, I don't even puff. - Yeah, I don't mean like terms or labels, I don't like that, but I have a heart, I have a pure heart, and I feel that. So that was probably one of my lowest points, just because I couldn't sort things out for her. But that inspires me though to make more money, because when I make more money, I can help more people. So I'm not trying to make money so I can have designer handbags, so I don't care about them, because a lot of them are made by people that have blood money in my opinion. I'm not into that. What I'm into is giving and helping as much as I can, because as I keep saying, I'm a Sikh, my parents are not practicing Sikhs admittedly. A lot of the religious institutions are run by people who think culturally, not the actual religion, but the nice part of Sikhism is about love. I like the Sikhs belief, so I say that. Because I don't want to do a lot for the homeless. I want to build my room for a bit, what they don't know. Just like, "It's not just going to be once a week, "every day, more than in a night." It's called, we have a word, it's called, "save our", which means to be of service, and that's why I think I believe I should be, not sure, it's the way of life for me to be of service to others. Yeah. How does it sit in here today, kind of, going over a lot of things, that bring back a lot of emotion, because the brain will repeat, like I said, "The brain doesn't know what she'll have its face, "so whatever you think about, "well, an emotion must tend to it years ago, "it releases a chemical to the pain, "and an emotion you'd felt that day, "that's how powerful the brain is, "that how does it come through everything today?" I've actually been really good today, and I know my bodyguards sitting over there, I think she hasn't cried as much, because sometimes I'm just very tearful. It hurts, you know, it hurts to know that the person that was supposed to teach me to ride a bike didn't do that, he raped me, he hurt me, he didn't protect me, but then I say that he taught me how to love, he taught me to love unconditionally, so I'd rather take that lesson in that life skill from it. But it hurts me, you know, I was once that victim, yes, I'm a survivor now, but once I was there, once I was that helpless girl, and sometimes I look back at my own pictures, and I don't understand it. You know, I have empathy, and I have that hurt for her, my inner child, but I know that she, if I could go back to where I wouldn't change anything for her, I would just tell her that, eventually it's gonna be all right, just to be strong. - What about any girls that's watching, it's maybe been through that struggle, I don't know what you don't know who's gonna be watching us, I listen to this. - Yeah. - What advice would you have them? How do they get help? How do they reach out? Because let you say they're so programmed as well to think that disrespect and their whole family and beliefs, but it's wrong to be raped, it's wrong to be abused, it's wrong to be getting beaten up. What advice would you have for them? - Yeah, I mean, even on the way here, on public transport that I took, there were two girls discussing whether the person that had beaten his partner was right to beat her, because maybe there was mitigating circumstances that caused him to do that, maybe he'd noticed, you know, that in his childhood, so he was that now, that abuser. There is no right reason for it. If you are in a situation like that, fear is so powerful, it takes away your ability to think. I have a nonprofit called End on a Killings, which hopefully you'll put the link on, which is open to anybody. I'm not only doing this for women, it's for men, women, anybody. I have resources for legal aid. I work with other nonprofits, and together I believe that we can make a change. People have the power, as you said earlier. So if anyone's struggling out there, and they just want to offload, they can. I have a group that I have, I provide free mindset coaching to every month or every six weeks, depending on my availability, because I believe if I can help them to think differently, then they will free themselves, and not just themselves, their children, and they'll pass that on in. And then in six months or years, time or three years, time whatever the time period is, they'll be the people sitting there helping other people. So I'm creating this movement. That's what I'm creating, so I want that change. Yeah, but you're on the right path and things that you're doing, look how far you've come. Let's just run there to begin and off, creating change. I'm going to say, I work at a creative change, but first of all, I've got a few things. That's the only to work on myself to then, but if I start to cope with to keep learning and educating and understanding, I don't have all the answers. Sometimes I think I know everything. Sometimes I think I can save the world, but sometimes, and I said this before, but sometimes I actually do talk, I think, James, you really want it. You really do know what you're talking about. Then I listen back and I think, now you're just a fucking psychopath, you're trying to pretend, and that's okay to pretend, but I just want to be as true as I can be. End of the day, I'm still out for myself. I've still got a business to run, I still want to show people how to create a better life and not necessarily money makes you who you are, but if you're a good person, you can enjoy your freedom, you can enjoy the finer things in life if you're not being too overarrogant or too poisonous. If you're not, I mean, a lot of people out there think success and money and fame, it defines them, but it's an illusion. No, I respect that because you're not being fake. You're being completely honest. I like nice things. I want my farmhouse, I want my animals, I want the loving family and the dogs and everybody has always visualised the barbecues. I'm a provider, I'll provide the protector, I want home school, my kids, I want the loving misses who are the good meals in the cooking, I'm not saying, don't do this, don't do that because I'm not, I'm not saying, don't drink and be impudent, I don't drink, I'll go work, I'll go protect, and I'll come home and just want family time, I don't want the phones after five o'clock, I want to read through, and I will go over affirmations that were on this path and this is the finds that I've created, and that's everything that took me 30 years. But I'm getting there, so everything I know I've done in the past to what I'm doing now, I've still got things I can work on, I can still overwork, be a bit aggressive sometimes, but it's served me well, that's fine. - I think I see that I'm sometimes tough on myself, and I say, you know, I have to remind myself, I was homeless literally six and a half years ago, I had nothing, not a penny, not even clothes, nothing. But I sometimes feel I should have been a lot further than I am right now, but I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm full of this immense love, and I've never had that before, not from anyone, because I was looking for it from my parents or from my partner or from someone, whereas it never really existed anywhere else other than within me, and it just took that minute to understand that it comes from within you, and then you do attract those people. I get 40, roughly 30 to 40 death threats every month, but I also get five or six proposals, which makes me laugh. So it's just that case of, you know, you retract it if you want it, but if you've got to start with yourself, you really do. - The thing is, Marmarie, death threats now, these are weekend of virtues. - I call them keyboard warriors, but then having said this, and I'm not told anyone this, I went to an award ceremony the other day, and I won one, one of the year in Parliament, which was something. - Congratulations. - Thank you. - I still have to celebrate that. haven't got around to it, but there was a woman that followed me around that day and you know when you get that inner feeling, as I said, that gut feeling, and she followed me into the toilet to tell me that the cartel know who I am. And I realized very quickly after just walking out that hold on, did she just say that to me? And yeah, she was doing a lot of masonic signs and things on my table, but I wasn't catching on. And then later on I realized, yeah, okay, she sent me a nice message via Instagram encrypted, but I know exactly what she's saying that we're watching you because the cartels very much involved with human trafficking. It's a business for them. They don't want me to be talking about it. So there are a lot of big people, a lot of powerful people to themselves that think they can harm somebody like myself, but I'm just one of many. And I believe I'm protected. You're well protected and the thing is, people think the gangsters or the people who aren't of your demand, but it's carnage, phased or maybe done 20, 30 years in prison. Real gangs, there's a certain impala member who suits them. Definitely. They can throw in farmers out of the corner of the street trafficking. I'm not saying everybody in parliament must be people who start off and they are trying to do good. Those people in there try to make change, but you go down the road and you start asking the question, where's it all connected to? What families it's connected to? And you can't see it all used clues. And like I don't have all the answers to it, I'm not in it to know it, but I've read it often, I educate myself and I speak to a lot of high power, a lot of high rank people on this planet where you can't get enough knowledge and information to go, 'Okay, this world is controlling, if you speak out and you're losing their money, of course they'll just take off the numbers. It's easier. As soon as it's trafficking, it's such a, it's a billion dollar industry. Definitely. You can buy a kid for it like you say, two goats, a dollar, two dollars and they're getting a heart cut out, they'll level their kidneys that are going to fall for hundreds of thousands in a black market. Where do you go forward for a future, Nina? What's the plans? So my plans are, eventually I'll have a farmhouse, but my farmhouse will be a refuge for people literally for me to take them in, because I just feel I'm full of love and I want to extend that to them as well because I never had it for them to bring their children. But I see the future not just for myself, it's the community that I'm building, the movement as I said I'm building, so that we can all go forward because I don't think it's just a one person thing. So bringing other people forward and we're not all on the same time timelines, you know, you said to me, you're not quite there yet, I found myself when I was 50, you know, so my timeline would have never happened when I was 20, but eventually we'll all catch up with each other and we'll be that light that people need as they say or whatever it is, however you want to describe it. But I just know I've got so much more to do. There's little things like one of my clients, he's Owen Roddy, you might have heard of him he's Conor McGregor's strike coach, he does his affirmations, he said he didn't have time, now he does his affirmations, he didn't have time to see his girls either, he's such a great dad, now he does them in the car, dropping them to school with the girls and what a great gift that is, they're now taking it forward. So those girls that he's got in the car, saying the same affirmations, they're going to take it forward and forward and stop that process of change that's like domino effect. Exactly, so for me, for me little things are happening all the time and I know they're all coming together, but I do see myself as leading a huge movement of change. Yeah, go on, you see that as well, what about your book, what's that about? So I wrote a self out book last year called Massey Your Life, Live the Life of Your Dreams just because of all the mistakes I had made with money, relationships, family, I did a bit about COVID, just question things, you know, ask yourself a question, health and fitness because the healthier I am, the better I feel, the better I can do things more I can do. So it was really all of my life skills put into one, the common questions I get from men, a lot of them, and I put it all into one just as a self out book. Yeah, it's a best seller. So you can get it from Amazon, all my website takes you to Amazon. Yeah, listen Nina, for coming on and detailing your story lesson, it's been unbelievable, very proud of you, how far you've come, you're a beautiful woman who's doing yourself justice from the pain that you've lent from and keep growing from and trying to do well in the world and that's all we can do is just try and be better than the fucking who we will, yes till they, but again, there's so much distractions all there we can be distracted with, so many things, but it's just a bit staining the past, staying true to you. We have a lot going to figure it all out, maybe not, but what all we can do is try. For anybody that's maybe caught and are not too scared to speak out male or female, what advice would you have for them? I would say speaking is a huge thing, it's a release, if you can't tell somebody as you are then be anonymous about it, but I would also say if you know somebody who's struggling, go to them, because often through helping someone else we heal, and that's a great way of doing it also, but you've got to speak about it, you have to create a change to have a different reaction to what you know, you've got to create something. So I say to people, do something today, don't wait till tomorrow because we know it doesn't really, it's just going to prolong the pain. And I just want everyone out there to know that they do deserve love, that they are doing the best that they can be doing with what they have, and that if they feel that they're inadequate or they're not doing enough to give themselves a bit of a break. Nina, wish all the best with future, thank you again, God bless you and take care. Thanks so much, thank you.