Every Parent Needs to Hear This

Welcome to today's episode of The Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dyle. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, you're probably love the text messages I send throughout the week. If you're in the United States or Canada texting right now, 512-580-9305, once again, 512-580-9305. Today, I'm going to talk about what I believe is the greatest self-development journey that you will ever go on as a human. And that is raising another human. Think about this for a second. What if your child grows up and the voice inside of their head sounds exactly like the way that you talk to yourself right now? Think about that. You can tell your kid that they're smart, and that they're amazing, and that they're beautiful. You can tell them that they can do hard things, and then they watch you stand in front of the mirror and call yourself fat. Or you do something wrong, and then you say, "I'm so stupid out loud." Which one do you truly think that they're going to believe? Because we all know that actions speak louder than words. So what do you think your children are more likely to follow? What you say to them or what they see you actually do? That's the part of parenting that nobody really prepares you for. Your kids aren't just listening to what you teach them. They're watching who you are. That is a enlightening and absolutely terrifying thought at the same time. But the beautiful part about it is that means raising your children can also become an opportunity for you to heal and re-raise yourself. And so today, I'm going to show you how to do both. How to raise incredible children, and how to use the opportunity as parenting as your greatest opportunity to grow yourself. And if you don't have kids, don't worry. Today's episode is also going to be really good for you to learn about how to grow. And so here's the key part of today, okay? And believe me, this is easier said than done. Instead of telling your kids what you want them to believe about themselves, which is fine. You should definitely do that. But really what's more important is the things that you want your children to believe about themselves out loud, you need to say it to yourself. You need to say what you want your children to believe about themselves out loud to yourself in front of them. And they will learn it without even realizing that they're learning it. They will learn how to treat themselves and what they think about themselves by seeing how you treat yourself and what you believe about yourself. There was an interesting study that was done in 1961, a psychologist at Stanford named Albert Banderra ran what's now called the Bobo doll experiment. So kids watch an adult. There's two different sets of kids, right? One group of kids watch an adult beat up an inflatable clown by punching it and kicking it and hitting it with a mallet. And then the other group of kids, the adults didn't hit the doll. They were nice to it and they just played with the blow up clown doll. And then what they did was then they left. They left the kids alone in a room with that same doll. What do you think happened? Well, let me tell you what happened. The kids who watched the adult and they watched the adult get aggressive and they hit the doll and everything like that. They copied the exact same moves. They punched it. They kicked it. They smacked the doll. The other group that didn't hit the inflatable doll. Guess what? They didn't hit the inflatable doll either. They were nicer to it. They played with the doll instead of beating it up. So nobody actually said this is how you treat this doll. What happened? They watched it. They caught it. They caught it by watching what the adult did. And so Banderra called this observational learning, which basically means that kids learn way more from watching versus listening. So think about it. How many times have you yelled at your kid? Stop yelling. How did that go for you? Or stop crying? Because you were just telling them. Kids don't necessarily do what you say. They do what you do. And so here's the thing that really hit me hard when you really start to look at this deeply encyclodically. I did an episode on this not too long ago where I talked about the voice inside of your head. And the whole point was that the voice in your head isn't even really yours. It is the internalized voice of the people who raised you. The voice in your head is a combination of your mother and your father's voices. So I realized my son today is building his inner voice right now by watching me. And he's not just building it by what I say to him. Sure, that is a small piece of it. More so, he's building it out of what I say to me or what I say about me. Oh shit, think about that one for a second guys. Parents, let that one settle in your bones. Your children are building their own internal voice by watching you and hearing you say what you say about yourself. And so I realized something. If I want my son to have a kind voice in his head, I have to have a kind voice to myself first. If I want him to believe in himself, I have to speak out loud that I believe in me and then have my actions line up with what I say. If I want him to love himself, my words and my actions need to show that I love myself. Not just that I love him, but that I love myself. And the best part of this relationship is that he's not just learning from me like I'm learning from him. By me understanding this, this relationship with my son, he's teaching me where the gaps are in my words, in my actions, in my self-belief, in my self-love. Your children really are your biggest teachers. And so it's not just like what am I telling my kid? It's more so what is my kid catching for me? And what is my kid teaching me about myself? Okay, so let's get into some content of how to actually get something from this and what to do with it. Okay? The first thing that I want you to do in order to really get good at this and have it start changing your child's life, but also changing your life is catch what they're already catching. So number one is just catch what they're already catching. Before you add anything, before you change anything, you just have to notice what you're already saying and what you're already doing. Just remain the same, but this time be aware. And we will be right back. And now back to the show, like watch them, watch them watch you, watch yourself. See if you notice them reacting in ways that you would react. Because the reflection theory has already been happening their entire life, you just haven't noticed it yet. And so if you say things like, oh, I'm so stupid or I look disgusting in this or I'm just terrible with money, even if you just say it under your breath and you think it's no big deal, those little ears are hearing everything. They see everything. Your kid doesn't hear, oh, mom's having a rough day. Your kid hears, oh, this is how I talk to myself too. So for the next week, I just want you to notice, please don't judge. Please, please, please do not judge yourself in this situation. That's not going to help anything. Don't beat yourself up for it because beating yourself up for talking bad about yourself when you're trying to be kind to yourself is kind of missing the whole point, right? So just catch it. Just watch it. Get curious about it. Don't judge yourself. And here's what's really going to happen. You're going to hear yourself say something or react in a way and you're going to think, oh, yeah, I would never want my kid to talk to themselves like that. That moment right there, that is your kid's teaching you. So we can just notice first what's going on because you can't change anything that you can't see, right? So that's number one. Number two is I want you to do this. It's really kind of counterintuitive, but you'll understand why. Narrate your mistakes out loud. Most parents try to hide their mistakes from their kids. Like, we think we have to look like we have it all together. We think that we have to look like Superman or Superman, but your kid doesn't need to see perfection because think about it. If your kid never sees you mess up, how are they supposed to know what to do when they mess up? So instead, you just narrate it. You say something like, oh, man, I made a mistake today, but here's what I learned from it. Or you say something like, oops, I burned the pancakes. I must have had the heat up too high. Let's turn it down. Let's try it again, right? And so you're not like, oh, I burned the campaign cakes. I'm a fucking idiot, which hey, I know a good percentage of people might say that, right? It's not what we're saying. Oh, man, I burned the pancakes. Oh, looks like I had the heat up too high. All right. Let's turn it down. Let's try again, right? Do you see what that teaches them? It teaches them that mistakes happen. That mistakes are okay. That they don't make you a failure and that you can fix all of your mistakes without shaming and gilting yourself. Your kid learns that a mistake is something that you did, not something that you are. That's a big piece. There's a difference between identity and behavior. A behavior does not make you who you are. Not like, oh, I messed this up. I'm an idiot. That is a behavior. You messed up. Idiot. That's an identity, right? You need to separate those things. This is how you teach your children not to be afraid of failure and not to be afraid of messing up, which will be a very important thing as they get older. And you know what, like one of my favorite parts about this is that it is teaching you how to talk to yourself, right, like not only are you parenting them, but you're also kind of parenting yourself. Like you cannot model forgiveness for them without accidentally practicing forgiveness on yourself. Okay, so that's number two. Number three is to say the hard thing and then do it anyways. So you can say something like, ah, I don't feel like working out today, but I'm going to do it anyways because it's good for me, right? So say it out loud. You don't have to be like, oh, I work out all of the time. They don't need to see you being perfect. I don't feel like working out today, but I'm going to do it anyways because it's good for me. Like think about how much is packed into that one line. It teaches them that feelings are real, but it also teaches them that feelings don't get to make the decision. It is showing them how to do what is good for them, even if it's hard. Think about how much I'll change the entire course of life if they can really start to understand that lesson. So you show them and let them hear you not want to do it. Like don't complain like a little biatch, obviously, but just let them hear you like, ah, I really don't want to do this today, but I'm going to do it anyways because it's good for me because I said that I would and then let them watch you do it anyways. The same thing with work, right? Like, I'm nervous about this call, but I'm going to make this anyways, right? They are listening to your words. They are watching your actions. Make sure that they both line up with the adult that you're trying to raise them to be because think about what that's teaching them. Now your kid knows that nervous and brave can both show up at the same time. In the gift of all of this for you is not only are you raising an incredible human, but it's a lot harder to skip the workout when you just told your eight year old that you were going to do it. Like they will hold your account. They'll ask you, did you work out? Like they make you keep promises that you used to break with yourself. So not only are you helping them in raising them, it's also helping you. Do you see how this relationship, it's it's so amazing when you really see parenting as it is because you're raising the adult that you want them to be, but you're also really re-raising yourself is what you're doing. Okay, so that's number three. Number four is, and this is an important one for you guys that all have bodies, which I think is everybody. Talk about your body like it's on your team. Like this one's difficult for a lot of people. Stop beating yourself up and saying things like, I'm fat. I don't look good. I'm so sloppy. I'm so messy. I hate the way that I look today. Like stop saying that stop. Start saying things like, I love the way this looks on me. My body is so good and it's keeping me healthy. I appreciate my body and all that it does for me. Now you might think to yourself like, oh, that's arrogant or oh, that feels cringey. But think about what the alternative is teaching them. If your kid watches you pinch your stomach and go, oh, ew, and sigh in the mirror every single morning, do you think that they're learning to love their body? No, they don't learn to love their body. They learn that their body is something they're supposed to be at war with. How many of you listening learn to act this way because you saw your parent do this? If your children see that you're constantly at war with your body, they will become at war with their body too. And so like just into kind of give you perspective, like think about all the things your body has done for you. Think about all of the shit that you've done to your body, the late nights, the alcohol, the crappy food, the fast food, and your body still shows up for you every single day and works as hard as it can. For most people, our bodies are a better friend to us than we are to it. So talk about your body like it's on your side. Say stuff like, I appreciate my body so much. Like my legs got me through that whole hike or my body is so good at healing. You're not saying that your body's perfect. You're not saying that you should be on the cover of, you know, sports illustrated swimsuit edition. You're saying that you're on the same team as your body and you're not fighting against it. Because if you're fighting against your body, your children are learning to fight against theirs. Is that what you want for them? I don't think so. If not, what do you want for them? And then how can you show that to them? And believe me, like, I get it. If you've been at work for your body for a long time, you won't believe this at first. It might feel like you're lying for months. That's okay. But if you're very intentional with these words and these actions and you keep showing up this way, over time, trust me. Over time, you're going to start to believe it. Right. So say it for them until it's true for you. Okay. And then number five, own your own happiness out loud. Say stuff like it's my job to make me happy. Like it's my own job to make myself happy. Like, man, I wish that all of our parents would have said that to us when we were younger. It's my job to make myself happy. Because most of us grew up watching adults that blame, like blame their happiness and their unhappiness on everything else, the boss, the traffic, the economy. But when you look at it differently and your kid hears you say something like I had a rough day, but I'm going to go for a walk and I'm going to reset and make myself feel better. They learn that their mood is something that they can take responsibility for. And then if you pair it with something like gratitude, like I'm so grateful that this happened today and say it at dinner and say it at the car and say it for small, stupid stuff, the little tiny things that you're grateful for. You know what? Today was hard, but I'm really proud of myself for how I showed up or I'm proud that I was able to remain happy while going and doing all those hard things today. Because a kid who watches you look for the good and you're grateful and you are have happiness will grow up looking for the good instead of looking for the bad. Most of us never learn this. Our kids are giving us a second shot at learning it. So this is the best part about as this relationship is that we are teaching them, but by teaching them, we're also teaching ourselves. And so those are the five things I really want you to focus on. And if you do those, your kid is going to grow up with a completely different voice inside of their head than you did. But like, I want to go deeper into why this is actually important for you and not just your children, right? When you say those things out loud, who else is in the room? You are. You're hearing every single word that you say. And in 1972, there was a psychologist named Darrell Ben and he came up with some of those called the self-perception theory. The basic idea is that we figure out what we believe about ourselves the same way that we figure out what we believe about other people. And that is by watching, watching what we do, by watching and hearing what we say. So basically, we learn who we are by observing ourselves. So do you understand what that means? You think that you're teaching your kid and you are, but you're also teaching yourself at the same time. And this is why I believe, like I've been saying, our children are our biggest teachers, not because they know more than we do, but because they force us to become the thing that we're trying to teach. If we're really trying to parent, they force us to become or trying to teach. And you can't teach a kid to love themselves while you hate yourself. You can't. You can't teach a kid to be brave while trying to hide from everything. You cannot give what you do not have. So if you really want to raise a great kid, you have to become a great person. Let that settle with you for a second. If you want to raise a great person, you need to be a great person. They are teaching you how to be a better parent. That is the beauty of being a parent. And let's be hard. Like parenting is, it is really fucking hard, right? But being the best parent that we can be allows us to learn how to become the best person that we can become. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me in it. Rob Dyle Jr. RBDIALJR. And with that, I'm going to leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.