Eric Andre Returns Again

Hi, my name is Eric Andre, and I feel like sandpaper, as Conan O'Brien's friend. How are you sandpaper? I don't know, I realized last time I said moist, so I was about to say moist again, and then I was like, no, you already did that joke, and then I was like, what's the opposite of moist? Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walkin' loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends, yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I am joined by Sona Movsesian. Hey, Sona. Hi. Matt Gorley, how are you, sir? Hi, good, thanks. I'm going to attempt something that has very low odds of working, and I'll explain why. I thought, hey, maybe we should talk about World Cup. It's a huge thing, massive, biggest sporting event in the world. It involves 48 countries. It's being hosted by Canada, Mexico, USA, but here's the problem. I don't think anyone here in this podcast right now, just the three of us, really cares about the World Cup. That's not true. It is true. It's not true. I don't think you care at all. I'm sorry, it's the only sports I ever watch every four years. I really enjoy the World Cup. The only sports I ever watch? I know. Oh, yeah, you're not selling it. I'm not. You guys know that I don't care about sports. I actually love it, too, because soccer players are hot. They're really attractive. And that's why you watch, right? That's why I watch. When you're watching with your boys, you go, I'd do that guy. Yeah, and I high-five him. I'm like, right, boys? He can be your dad. Yeah. Bad. Oh, my God. You guys want a brother? That's just, come on, man. Clean it up, Shona. I love tack, too. I don't want to. Oh, no, two? Oh, that's nice. Oh, my heart also has warmth for the father of my children. Okay, I shouldn't say that. What I'll say is I wouldn't say the three of us are well-versed in talking about World Cup. Right. And we are recording this, I think, three weeks ahead of time, so we don't know where in the World Cup certain teams will be, who will be eliminated, what's going on. So we're really attempting something that I think is difficult on maybe seven different levels. Yeah. What's that? Did you say several or seven? He mixed both on seven different levels. Yeah. Well, sorry. Sorry I didn't let it slide. I'm sorry. I was going to let it go. No, no. I have a hard time when I talk about the sports of soccer. Oh, that's right. You didn't let that go. Fuck you. Hit him. Hit him hard. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask Eduardo to really help us out here. Because, Eduardo, this is something that's very near and dear to your heart. You need to supply the passion here. Okay. You need to supply. Okay. Okay. Okay. You need to supply the passion. Because I'm not going to get it from anywhere else on this table. All right. So let's talk about it. We're a couple of weeks in. What do you think has happened by this point? Who's been eliminated? Oh, man. Come on. All right. So I'll tell you that going into this, the top five countries predicted to compete for the final is Argentina, Spain, France, Portugal, and maybe Germany or England, give or take one of them. It's the same as it almost always is without Brazil. But where are the Dutch? The Dutch are actually considered a dark horse in this tournament. Yeah, that's what I thought. That's a great question. No, no. I did know that the Dutch, and it's funny because when you think someone's saying, where are the Dutch? You'd be like, oh, he's making a joke. No, I'm not. They're very good. Yes. And they could come out of nowhere. Wouldn't that be fantastic if the Dutch were still in play? I wouldn't be surprised if they're making a deep run. So if we're looking into our crystal ball, that's a good prediction. And if you're listening right now and the Dutch are out of it, that's on Eduardo. Okay. I believe. Sure. I'll take that one. Okay. So go ahead. Tell us more. Yeah. It's being hosted by three different countries, all North American. What does that mean when they say hosting it? Yes. That's where the actual events are taking place. Correct. But do they also have to, you know, when you hear host, sometimes you think they have to supply food, drinks, that kind of thing. It's like hosting the Olympics, man. It's like the same. Yeah, you're not hosting it for game night. I know. I'm just trying to do a new thing where when you host, you really should be a host. Oh. You shouldn't charge for food and drink. And there should be ambiance and music. There should be music. You should. It's just an idea I had. It's an awkward banter in the beginning. Ballet parking. Yeah. Yeah. It's okay. And then people should say, hey, knock it off if it goes after 10. Every spectator has to send a thank you note. Well, speaking of. Thank you notes are huge. Speaking of after 10, the cool thing about this one for us that live here in the States or in North America, the times are like reasonable times for us to watch. So I don't have to go to a pub at three in the morning to watch Croatia play against Orlando. Correct. There'll be games starting at noon and the last game will be like at seven o'clock at night. So yeah. Well, fine. Yeah. It's full days of soccer. It's the dream. Let me tell you something. And this is something, cause I'm a Patriot. America's getting better. Aren't we getting better? It's it's, I know it's a long road, but what does America has to do to really be competitive in world soccer? That's a good question. I think. It's a great question. Thank you. They have taken a lot of steps forward and a couple small steps back. So this one, it's a crapshoot USA. Some of us wouldn't be surprised if they're still in it at this time in three weeks. Some of us wouldn't be surprised if they're actually. Where do you fall, Eduardo? What do you think? I'd be surprised if they're still in it. At this point in three weeks. That's not to say that they're not good. I, I just. Is it one of those things where it's just, it's, we didn't, um, in other countries, it's just such a part of the culture and it's not as much here. And maybe you, is this a graph that's never going to completely take meaning? Will we ever be really competitive with Argentina, with, uh, Spain and some of these other. No, I think we will get there. I think it's just taking a lot longer. I think we're competing as like the fourth major sport. Well, now. Fourth major sport. At one point it was like the fifth or sixth major sport in this country. It's slowly turning. I think pickleball has slowed us down. I agree. I think the, the excitement around pickleball, excitement around pickleball. I think we were starting to gain. And then everybody who was really starting to get interested in soccer or as of course others say football, um, they pickleball came around and now I think it's, that has added another hundred years. I agree. We should ban pickleball. There's a lot of overlap. I don't like that it competes. Are you going to again? I hope so. Also, what's that game where on your iPhone you put, uh. Heads up. Heads up. That's what we were playing a lot. I think heads up put us back another hundred years too. And you're just getting Settlers of Catan as well. I think, I think. What's that? Settlers of Catan. What is that? It's this famous board game that everybody played for like 10 years. You don't know Catan. There's like bartering. Wheats and textiles. Oh, I love it when people come over and we have some wine and we all start bartering. You'd actually love this game. I probably would. I probably would. I shouldn't be, I shouldn't be negative about it. But I do think that heads up. Yeah. Yeah. Um, something of Catan. Wait, you could get Catan but not Settlers? Remember the hard one. I thought it was Chris Catan. I thought. And Pickleball. And then Pickleball. I think those things have probably destroyed our chances of being competitive in what I call football and which Eduardo calls soccer. Um, uh, yeah, I just, I, I'm, but anyway, that's what's happening. I resolve almost every year to pick a team. And really get involved and really follow soccer. So who are you going to pick? Yeah. Who's, who's your pick? You got to go with the Dutch now. Uh, I don't have to go with the Dutch. What was the figure of speech? That's just true. And, and I think a worthwhile figure of speech to be honest with you. Do you know any soccer players? Do I know them? Like, I mean, personally, I'm very good friends. I don't know the sport very well, but I'm very good friends with most of the players. Oh, messy. Messy was at my house like three weeks ago. Okay. He was, he comes by a lot. You guys are not hanging out. What are you talking about? Why? Why would you find that hard to believe? He loves my house. And he always wants to go over to Sandler's house. And I'm like, what do you need Sandler for? I'm here. Okay. And he's like, Sandler, I'm much more famous than you. And I said, why are you talking in that stilted way? Um, and he said. Are you trying to do an Argentinian accent? Yeah. And he said, yeah, you know so little about me. You do stilted accent. That's what he said. This is all true. He said, your impression of me belies the fact that we are not friends and you don't know me in real life. That's what he said to me. And then I said, belies the fact? Why are you speaking in broken? He spoke in English and then saying, belies the fact. And he said, this is a terrible riff. Don't do it on the podcast. No, I'm going to do it severing times. Yeah. I'm going to do it severing. Severing. Okay. And that's funny. That's funny. That's when you misspoke. Remember? I don't remember. I don't remember. It's so seldom. It barely happens at all. Oh my God. It doesn't happen. He's dying right in front of us. Hey, can I ask you a question? Sure. This is really dark, but let's say something were to happen to me. There was a medical event. Oh God. And then later on, a doctor said. I said, didn't you hear it in the podcast? The degeneration of his neuromuscular ability to speak. Do you want to hear something darker? You've asked this question before. I know. Oh no. But aren't you guys going to. I know that I've asked it before, but I'm begging you guys to please pay attention. Oh no. When I misspeak, don't giggle. No. Say, are you okay, Conan? We're trying to move it along. Let it happen. Yeah. Get me to the grave a little faster. Yes. Yes. And you can all do your pity episode. Oh, we're so sorry about Conan. Ka-ching. It's going to be a. It's going to be a Thursday episode. Oh, yeah. Thursday, we talk about Conan's passing. Oh my God. That would be great. And then stick around. We're getting together. The cast of Facts of Life. Oh, that'd be cool. I know. Can you name them all? Can I name them all? Yeah. Tootie, Joe. No, they're real names, you rookie. What? I want to hear their show names. Tootie, Joe. Tootie, Joe. Blair. Mm-hmm. God, this show meant a lot to you. It did it. But I do know the theme. Natalie. We take the goodie to Natalie. This is weird. Walking in here, I went today. I wonder. I'm not kidding you. Stop. I went. I was singing. facts of life i wonder if that'll come up on the show today i am not joking matthew i'm not saying i'm psychic i'm saying i'm close what were you watching it recently no it just came to me say something a lot of our listeners think this thing is so well crafted they must write it ahead of time and really work out the architecture of it and i want to say that um i think this podcast episode proves that that is not the case america's screwed because the soccer team we we were just talking about soccer and then it's facts of life and then you're singing the song you take the good you take the bad you take them all and then you have the facts of life the facts of life you take the good you take the bad and then what you take them all and then you have you take the good you take the bad you take them all no wait you said it you take it all you take the good you take the bad and there you have the facts and there you have i said yeah when the world never seems to believe don't act like you don't know this no but no but what i'm saying is i don't know this song no you take the good you take the bad you take them both and there you have oh you take them both oh that's right that makes more sense i don't feel how that makes sense as lyrics you know what song did make sense charles was in charge okay charles in charge of our days and our nights charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights that doesn't make that doesn't make sense either no why is why is the nanny in charge of your days and your night like your moral compass of your life it's too much responsibility for him anyway that's our world cup wrap-up what a mess into eric andre all right my guest today is a hilarious comedian oh my god of the eric andre show on adult swim what a mess now you can see this is what people come for and this is what we promise and this is what we deliver and i don't regret now you can see eric our good friend eric andre in the new netflix movie little brother a movie he made with mr john cena i will also say this is appropriate for this interview it really is it's all the wheels have come off this trolley many times i always love uh when eric stops by eric andre welcome here's why i love having you on the podcast you are a cartoon character you're not a real person and i am a cartoon character i'm not a real person and when we're together i'm just happy because and the rest of america's annoyed and miserable at the shenanigans but you don't live in the real world and whenever i you just don't you just don't you think i stand out you are uh you're an insane cartoon character you bounce off walls you crash through ceilings yeah to the delight of everyone well my comedy hero is gonzo from the muppet show i had this vhs tape growing up it was called it was a clips episode of the muppet show that gonzo hosted in a hugh hefner vest and his wife was that chicken remember he had a chicken for a wife yeah and he he hosted this thing it was called like the weirdest sketches on it wasn't called the weirdest sketches on the muppet show but it was like the weirdest parts of the muppet show had a more elegant side of the one i'm saying and it was just a clip show and he was like dick clark he's slash hugh hefner and he introed all the weirdest clips from the muppet show and i would watch that vhs like over and over to a formative form i haven't thought about that for me it was warner brothers cartoons but i always thought well that's the highest form of comedy is people getting stretched out elongated people looking to cameron going and then falling yeah and then i would walk away like an accordion those are the i just willed myself to be one of those people the reality is you have a horrible and painful death yes you no comedic value eric i would but the coroner would say oh my god we just looked at the x-rays of his body it's a it's a accordion you know and then they would they would push on each side of my body would go like weirdo yankovic would be like conan conan conan conan conan so uh for all those reasons i'm delighted you're here i really am leave you had to forcibly remove me last time i did this is my favorite pocket you're you're one of my favorite human beings oh that's so nice when i look in then why the angry male all the time from you uh well i hope you die and then you sign your name yours truly well eric andre why do you write those to me and your return address is on them and they're filled with anthrax i don't know that's what that is yeah i thought it was powder you know celebrities are not well um i'm not a celebrity i still drive an uber but um as a passenger or no as a as a driver okay as a you it wasn't a good joke you know it also died in my mouth there's a there's a tombstone on my molar here lies uber joke you'd be a great uber driver or a terrible one who wouldn't stop talking but i would love it if you picked me up in an uber that would be so much fun i what do you do when they start chatting you up or back in the day yellow cabs when you're in new york city when they start chat chatting this is gonna sound weird to people would you would you lean in and chat or would you just be like i think they want him to stop no no this is this is what's weird this is what's weird and i hope this doesn't put people off of me but when i call an uber i did i bought one of those plexiglass separators and i have it it's heavy and i carry it with me and i call an uber when i get in i quickly attach it oh god you have one for each make and model oh i say i look up which car they're gonna be they're like oh it's gonna be a toyota four by four and i go like i know which one is for the toyota four by four i know which one is for you know i mean literally every kind of your house is like a plexiglass that's all it is yeah and i quickly shout to my son and this is he i won't go to college so he just is the guy that he is my caddy for plexiglass separators and i'll just say things like it's it's uh you know it's uh it's uh it's a subaru outback and he's like got it what year and i'll go 98 and then he rushes in so that's kind of a dick move and they always get very like what the fuck and i'm like shut up i don't want to talk to you and then i actually drill into their seats and they don't like that you go now what do you do because i would imagine we're probably similar spirits that you like to talk to people you like talking to anyone right not in not in the not in the uh not in the cab not in the uber well it depends on it depends on my mood sometimes i'm catching up on work and i'm locked in or uh and i got my laptop on my lap or my or i'm doing work on the phone what are you building a rocket what are you what i'm locked in i'm getting the specs for re-entry you gotta get just the right what the hell are you locked in i'm trying to write jokes i'm trying to write ideas okay you've worked in this business i've never sat down and written a joke you wrote on legacy shows i did i did so i was never i had to in my defense i did but i was never locked in no i get it i get it i'm just giving you shit because i that's it's fun you know we're good guys we're guys hanging out they're giving you shit you're harassing me i'm harassing you i'm harassing you you're constantly harassing you show up at my house i don't know how you got my address i think you looked at the paperwork i look at the return address on your hate mail um it's funny because the last time i saw you i was doing a club here in la and you were about to go on and it's the same thing if i'm about to go on i had my i'm not gonna say ginger you get that too often i have my redhead friend from australia very funny comedic actor reese mitchell and instantly you guys locked you went over to him and you went when's the last time you got your skin checked and you guys talked about i did that skin that's for like 30 minutes and then you went up and you're like i gotta get ready for the oscars it was like a match made they saw each other and it was like they were instant best friend and they just talked about skin health and you kept trying to talk to widows do when they've lost a husband or something that's right that's right how are you managing i'm getting by and instantly there was no hesitation he like you looked into reese's eyes and you just went right it and you you gave him like a dermatologist number yeah you guys were and it was like i had to take off his shirt and i did a very close exam with those special glasses and that special light and i did not like what i saw um yeah but it's funny how you didn't let me answer rude by the way what how i am in an uber and i am very rude no i i don't usually like to talk well i like to talk if the person's interesting but it's a crap shoot so the risk i do a risk assessment yeah and sometimes the person knows when to stop talking and start talking and sometimes they're interesting and stuff you're interested in sometimes it's a crazy person yeah so you do a little bit of risk assessment so i don't because i don't want that like you know three percent of them that are batshit crazy there was a guy as soon as i get in got in his car within 10 seconds he's like i love fentanyl man that's my problem and i go i go I go, well, yeah, I'm listening to some tunes. You see my headphones? I'm sorry, that's horrible. And he's like, God, I just quit, though. I just quit. I go, oh, when? A couple days ago. And he's pulling up to my house. So I'm like, great, now this guy has my home address. And I'm like, this is an office. It looks like a house that I live in. It's an office. I'm going to work at the end of the day. It's kind of a weird job, and I can't tell you anything about it because I don't like the fact that you have my personal information. And he was telling me, he's like, the patches are better than shooting it up, but shooting it up with the patch. But I'm through with that shit, man. Also, he's been driving you. He's been in charge of whether you live or die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm plagued by that Uber driver, and my heart goes out to his afflictions. But I was trapped, and we were in the thick of traffic. We were in West Hollywood at 5. So it was like the slowest, what would take like 20 minutes to get back to my house, took like an hour and a half, you know? And it was the longest afternoon of my life. Yeah, it was rough. I always say this, if the driver's been weird and they pull up to my house, I always say, it's been nice talking to you. By the way, we're selling my house tonight. To Eric Andre. Yeah, to Eric Andre. Who, by the way, loves visitors. Has a stash of food. Has a stash of food. Has a stash of food. Has a stash of fentanyl. Keeps vintage fentanyl. He keeps his fentanyl right by his loose cash. He's got the loose cash room and the fentanyl room. And a bedroom, that's it. Not even a kitchen in there. Anyway. Oh, well. Yeah, I always say to people when they pick me up from my house, or if it's a guy that, like the Amazon guy recognizes me, or the UPS guy, I go, I just go, yeah, I'm Airbnb in this place. Pretty trippy, huh? Anyway. Don't think about the address. Why is there a mural of you on the garage? Oh, that's why I Airbnb. Yeah, to do a self-portrait on the garage. Yeah. Is this what you want to talk about? We are so ADD. I don't think we ever make a single point. I looked away from you for a second, and I forgot who the guest was. I'm Harrison Ford. And the good news is then I looked over at you, and I was happy that you're here. Oh, that's good. So it's nice. It's nice to see you, by the way. It's nice to see you, too. I'm curious if, because you have such, and I want to talk about this, too, you have such a serious music background. I was reading up on you today. No, but. Sorry. Sorry. So far, you've shouted two things at me. Rude and boring. Sorry. No, but. I can't help myself. You just. It's very hard to be. You just. Like, bring it back to serious. Well, this isn't going to stay serious long. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I love that you just dropped an album, and it's called Film Scores for Films That Don't Exist. Yeah. It's a classical album. You wrote film scores for movies that aren't real. Yeah. And I was listening to it today. A bunch of us were listening to it, and it's legit. It's really good. Yeah, thanks. Thank you. It's really good. I'm flattered by that. Thank you. And then I was like, well, wait, I know that you played jazz bass, and you're serious. You like. You like studied at Berklee School of Music, but I didn't realize when you were a little kid, and you started playing tuba when you were really young. Yeah, I played piano at five, tuba in sixth grade, and cello and bass in high school. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And then, so, this was just something that was in you. Like, I. I went to school in Boston. Yeah. I went to Berklee College of Jazz, daddy-o, and I played the Seinfeld theme over and over again for four years. Yeah. And I flicked a dime under. And I flicked a dime under a lamppost. That was a course. I shot an apple off my wife's head or whatever William S. Burroughs did. You know about that? And he killed her, right? He killed his wife. And then when the cops come, he goes, we were playing William Tell, the game where you shoot an apple off the head. It was more of like, I think he was like the laziest excuse for homicide. I'm sorry I made your podcast so dark. No, no, no. No, you don't go. This is what people, people love true crime podcasts. So we're going to become one briefly. But that's what I always heard is the police show up and he went, we were playing, and his wife's lying there with a bullet in her head. And he's like, we were playing William Tell. And I tried to shoot an apple off her head. Didn't work out, but she can't arrest me. Yeah. And the cops were like, that's legally, like, I mean, that's solid. That's true. Sorry we bothered you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So wait, so he. Go back to. Ostensibly killed her and then went to the refrigerator, got an apple and placed it by her head. I don't even know if he just said I ate the apple. There wasn't an apple. Oh, yeah. Oh, there wasn't even an apple there? No, I don't know. All of us are talking about this thing. And guess what? What kind of true crime podcast is this? This is the best kind where people just shoot off their mouths about a crime that maybe didn't even happen. And I'm going to right now say, Eric doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. I don't know what I'm talking about. We both just kind of heard this thing. I also got self-conscious because I was about to make the same jazz jokes that I made on your podcast last time. So I was like, oh, what's another beatnik? I haven't covered. No one. William S. Burroughs. And then I heard your audience. No one's butthole dried out at that. Every. At that moment. And Adam. They were all moist until that. Can we say that on your podcast? We can. Their buttholes were moist. You Puritan. Adam Sacks will confirm this. No one's ever listened to more than one of these podcasts. We have a huge, huge number of people, but we're just working our way through Earth's population. But no one's ever, after listening to one, listened to another. Wow. Repeat away. It's a very strange way of getting an audience. Repeat your stories at will. We got a verdict on William S. Burroughs. Yeah, it really happened. It's dark. You're about to look up some dark. Yeah, go ahead. 1951 in Mexico City. Yep. William S. Burroughs shot and killed his wife. And said he was playing William. And said he was playing William Tell. William Tell. And how did he get off then? He didn't. He was convicted. Oh. Oh, he was? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought they were like, hey. So did he go to prison for a long time? He was convicted of culpable homicide in Mexico, but served only 13 days in jail before his brother secured his release on bail. Well, murder. He's going to murder your wife. Do it in Mexico. Down in Mexico. Wow. He was later convicted in absentia, receiving a two-year suspended sentence. What? It doesn't seem that bad for killing your wife. Yeah. I'm just going to say, message to all murderers out there. Keep that William Tell thing in your back pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep an apple and the William Tell story in your back pocket. And maybe do it with a bow and arrow, too, just to really legitimize it. He went to a bank, took all the money, and shot someone. It was a William Tell game. Yeah. In a bank. I barely know what William Tell is beyond a guy that shot an apple off of somebody's head with an arrow. Beyond that, I couldn't tell you a single thing about William Tell, what era it is. I know he wrote an overture. That's it. There is an overture for William Tell. Was William Tell a fictional character? You went to Harvard, smarty pants, you tell us. Daddy wore bucks. That would be a word if you were rich. I meant like an egghead. Einstein. There you go. Einstein's better. I'm off my game today, Conan. You are so off your game. You're just a big mess. And it's delighting me. You rooting for the Knicks? Yeah. Mr. Boston? Yeah, I am. You know why? You know why? Are you okay rooting for the Knicks right now? I am okay rooting for the Knicks because I think it's a good thing for New York. I spent a lot of time in New York. Thank you. They haven't had a title since 73. I'm very happy for them. I really am. There are Celtics fans listening to you right now. I know. What a sellout. Yeah. Piece of shit human being. What a sellout. What a sellout. There he. That's my Boston accent, by the way. What Celtics fan has ever committed violence? Look it up. I don't think it's happened. I think I'm on a safe ground. You're very Boston, historically very safe sports fans. I'm happy for the Knicks. I am. No, you can be. Yes. You just know there's like three guys in Dorchester right now pissed at you. Yeah. There's a guy, an ale wife right now, pulling his hair out like, Conan, you're a Celtics fan and nothing else. Nothing else. But you gotta. I can't do. I can do a country accent, but not a Quincy or an ale wife. What about Boynton, Aaron, Nashua? Can you do those? I can do Tewksbury and Andover, but I can't do Worcester. Pretty good. Pretty good. And when it comes to Massachusetts, I only do region by region my accent work. I'm the Fred Armisen of Massachusetts. Oh, I thought of something today that would be funny, and you'd have been good at this too. This would be a great thing for you, but I was convinced I should do this. When we record this, I don't know when this airs, but the Knicks are up two games. They're looking for. They're headed back to Madison Square Garden. It's just like a huge thing. And all these, you know, hardcore Knicks fans who've been there for years, like Chalamet's hardcore Knicks fan, Ben Stiller. Spike Lee has been in every Knicks game since they created basketball. And I thought it'd be really funny if I dressed up in all this Knicks regalia and somehow forced my way in and did one of those things that some celebrities do where they act like I've been a fan all my life. I don't know how long, but they're just there for the gravy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people. I love ideas where people would hate me so much. But somehow I get a decent ringside, like courtside seat, and I'm like, yeah, yeah. And I keep going over to Chalamet and trying to high-five him and Stiller. And I've just got Knicks goggles and a goofy foam hat. And we're number one. People would be so justifiably mad. And then in interviews, I don't know who any of the players are. I'm not even sure. Are you sure how the game is played? We're shooting against that basket in the first half. What are you over there for? And when do they hit a home run already? Yeah. And then I'm like, go Knicks. Go Knicks. Wouldn't people get so mad? And if you were with them. I got these tickets for free. F-R-E-E free. I even had the money and the fentanyl patches. Hello. I called WME and I said, make it happen. And get me in to see the Knicks win the World Series of basketball. What a dick move. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. You must be fascinated by those things because that's been making people. I haven't told anybody this. Go ahead. I've been photoshopping fake injuries of Knicks players and sending them to my friends who are diehard Knicks fans. So I've been photoshopping fake TMZ articles like, Brunson tore his ACL this morning with Today's Date and texting. I'm texting them to my friends who are diehard Knicks fans. And they're like, I swear to God, Eric, like your voodoo, whatever you think is funny right now, it is not funny. You are not funny. And the more angry they get, the more I'm cranking out these fake photoshopped articles of injured Knicks players right now. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm losing friends. It's so bad. Yeah. But also just to like, I mean, yes, to say things like, text people early in the morning. Why was Brunson operating a wheat thresher in the first place? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. Why would they trade Josh Hart to the Pistons now? Between game two and game three of the finals? They're going to trade them? Okay. It's their team. And my friends are pulling their hair out. Well, of course, they take everything with a. I try to, I mean, I think I do stuff like that all the time where I'm just deadly serious. And I can still convince you, Sona. I know, I fall for it. But you guys both seem to like humor that only you think is funny. Yeah, that's a bummer. Yeah, one-way humor. I'd be much richer if. I'd have Kevin Hart's bank account, hopefully, if I didn't have that affliction. I forgot you got to do comedy for other people. And then you make it a money. I still don't see it that way. I'm still a, if you like this, you can have some. And if you don't, get out of my store! I'll talk to Ali Wong and she's like, on a private jet on her way to play, like, a soccer season. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm in a soccer stadium in Qatar and I'm doing, like, the Chuckle Hut in Coyote Bladder, Mississippi. Like, passing out flyers outside of the venue. And I'm like, man, I should probably start writing jokes that more than three people like. Also, I really, you know, I got some pretty good laughs falling 15 feet onto some spikes. And then there's the recovery time. By the way, do you have lifelong injuries? No, no, no, no. I mean, you should bring the jackass guys in here. Those guys are. Yeah. Very injured. They're like evil Knievel injured. When Johnny Knoxville starts going through some of his injuries, it actually makes my stomach queasy. It's like. He's been here and I love the guy, but he's, I mean, he broke his penis. He broke it. Oh, yeah. And he had a catheter. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And his eyeball fell out in that one movie and he had to, like, just loop it back in. They didn't even have a medic there. I had injuries and I used to brag about them, but when I started hanging out with those guys, I'm like, oh, dear Lord. It sounds like how they, like, England would torture people in, like, the year 11. 1133. Like, whenever you read about the Dark Ages, you're like, God damn. England really hated people. So how did you. Your tongue got torn out and then shoved up your ass until it was back where your tongue goes? Yeah. What stunt were you doing where that happened? England was being quite rude for, let's say, a thousand years to their own people and all their neighbors. Rude. Rude. Rude. To the French, to the Irish. They were being less than polite. Yeah. They were a little cranky for a couple of thousand years. Then they got it out of their system. Yeah. Yeah, then they chilled. Then they went to India and Africa and they chilled out. Then they were cool. Then they were chill. And Australia. They were quite rude to the world. England. I'm taking England down a peg on this show. Don't. I won't be silenced. You will be silenced. Love you, England. I'm pandering to your Irish, whatever Irish you have in you. Because you could be a little Scottish, too. No, I'm 100%. You're 100%. Yeah, I was trying to pander to you and you didn't take the bait. No. I was like, England sucks, right? Because guess what? Hey, March 17th is coming up next year. Your favorite holiday. I was trying to tee it up for you. Have you ever seen me wear green on St. Patrick's Day, Sona? Never. Never, never. I at least thought you would be like, I hate the British. Because real Irish people don't like Irish people. I don't like Irish people. I always, yeah. We just, it's a thing. We just don't. We hate everyone equally. That's good. I think it's good. It's good. It's healthy. I want to ask you about, I'm going to change the subject and I'm going to do something that's semi-professional, but don't hate me for it. You drew a naked picture of me and I feel very uncomfortable every time you look down at it. You made a movie. You made a movie that's coming out. And it's, there's Jeff Epstein's emails at the bottom of your notes. Yeah. JEEvacations at Gmail. With my body drawn. I keep trying to book a flight on his plane and he won't get back to me. Hello? You made a movie called Little Brother. Yes. Very funny movie with you and Mr. John Cena. And you do, there's a lot of you, very funny, but doing very physical stuff. Yes. And I pray to God you have a body double for these things because there's some truly cartoonish scenes. There's a, there's. Please tell me there's someone who looks a lot like you who's getting thrown into a wall at 600 feet. 600 miles an hour. This can neither be confirmed nor deny. I'm like Tom Cruise. I'm taking it to the grave. Wow. And yes, of course, I paid a 25-year-old Puerto Rican guy to fly through glass. I'm in my 40s now. I'm not, you know. Yeah, you're not doing anything. I injured myself enough on my own show. I need a little help now. You need a little help. I need a little help. What I seem to remember is you made this movie with John Cena and you guys are very funny together, but I think John Cena once seriously injured you, didn't he? Poor John Cena. So he, in reality, he did not. He did, you know, we did a stunt that went awry. This is like back in 2000, I believe. No, no, 2000. Yeah, I was kidding. I was trying to see how healthy you are now. No, it was 2020. Was this 2020? I think it was 2020. You're from the show Golden Girls, right? I'm talking to Blanche Dubois. I love your work. I love your podcast. I remember. Your questions are all over the place. Kindness of strangers. Look, I'm just talking about- You have a Blanche Dubois quality about you. I'm just realizing now. I do. I was very beautiful in my youth. That's what people- Yeah, and you're just a randy old woman. Now I'm a randy old lady and I'm flitting around my New Orleans apartment. It was Boca Raton, Florida where the show took place, fictionally. Are you talking streetcar? Yeah, I'm doing streetcar. And you're doing Golden Girl. You're talking streetcar? Yeah. Wait, is it? I'm talking Golden Girls. Is it Dubois or is it Devereaux? It was Blanche Devereaux. On Golden Girls? On Golden Girls. Who's Blanche Dubois? Blanche Dubois from Streetcar Named Desire. No! So I was right and you're wrong. That's Vivian Leigh, right? The actress. Yes. The fictional character is Blanche Dubois? Yes. My entire life up till this moment, I thought Blanche Dubois was the redhead on Golden Girls. I do get why. They both have French last names. This might be- They're almost names. They're almost identical until the last couple syllables. What is it? It's Blanche Devereaux? Devereaux. This entire podcast- I was living in a broken joke for five minutes and you did nothing to help me. This entire podcast is one of the- It's like seven garden hoses that are hopelessly gnarled together and one of them's leaking and we're trying to untangle them to figure out which one to turn off the water, but we can't. And there's just water everywhere. We're still in that jalopy with the triangle wheels. We are a disaster. I really loved how long he was talking about the Golden Girls and how long you were talking about a street car named- But we were vibing, man. We had riz. I don't know what that means, but we don't know how to- You quoted it. I have to say, I have to come clean here. I got off a plane very recently from Morocco. That's your excuse for everything, O'Brien. My mind is not working. And you know what? Yours isn't working either and I don't think you have an excuse. And together, we're just a big hot mess. And I'm very happy. I don't care. This is a disaster. Why were you in Morocco? I do some business there. Yeah, you were smuggling hash. Again, I confirm or deny. I'm Tom Cruise if he was smuggling hash. No, no. What did you ask me? You said something about John Cena. You know, this is like a cop- Oh, your travel show. This is like a cop who pulls a guy over, but the cop and the guy are both drunk. Wow. I see your wallet. Wait, what do you need? You have to step out of the airplane. It's a car. Wait, what? We're just two big messes interrogating each other. I don't know who's in charge here anymore. Oh, I didn't know Blanche DuBois wasn't the one from the Golden Girls. I watched Golden Girls when I was young with my grandma because I lived in Bunkertown, Florida. I watched Streetcar Named Desire with my grandmother over and over again because I was very closeted. I just wanted to, clear the air. That liquid has been here for ages. We don't know what that is. Is that Guinness? I'm having a Guinness right now. That's my other problem. Okay. Now, see here. What did you really ask? I truly can't remember. I am going to say this very clearly. I changed, let me tell you what's going on. John Cena, in 2020, threw you. Okay, so he threw me. It's not much of a story. He threw me through a shelf on the Eric Andre show. I destroy the set every time. And I found out he was a big fan of the show. So we had him come in. He grabs me. He's like, ah! He grabs me, throws me through a shelf. That part of the stunt was fine. By our department, we forgot to sandbag down the shelf. And it had a metal frame. And even beforehand, my stunt coordinator was like, that thing's got a metal frame. You got to be careful. I don't like that prop. You said, shut up. I go, blah, blah, blah, blah, dude. I don't pay you to think, dog. Now, show me those abs, daddy. And then Cena threw me through the thing. He did the stunt properly. I went through the thing properly. But then the thing went. It went over. And it was the only season of Eric Andre's show. I got rid of all my body hair on purpose. I bicked my head bald. I waxed my pubic hair that you can't even see on TV. Alana Glazer goes, you have to blur your crotch. Why did you wax your pubes? That doesn't even translate. I go, oh, yeah. I don't know. I didn't even think about it. These are the things professionals talk about. I have one question. Yes, Alana. That's a good point. So I didn't have my hair works like antennas. Like, I know when stuff's coming because I have big hair. You have big hair. So I didn't feel it coming. And the thing went over and, boom, gave me a big Fred Flintstone. And I got a concussion. And I got dizzy. I was talking about things that didn't make any sense. And I went to the hospital and got a CAT scan. And you immediately booked a podcast. Then I came here. That was 10 minutes before I showed up. Yes, that wasn't his fault. It was his trip to Morocco. Oh, whatever. I'm trying to pitch a travel show right now. I pitched to the network you're on. And because of you, they go, we already have a travel show. And I go, Conan stole my idea that I stole from Anthony Bourdain. Yes. Trust me. Listen, you can have my travel show. I will give it to you. But you still have to call it Conan O'Brien must go. But it's with you. And we don't even explain it to anybody. And you get all the money and the glory. And I just am like, yep. And people are like, what is that? Why? Why is it Conan O'Brien must go? For five minutes, you were my Newman. I was like, O'Brien. Oh, he's after me. Oh, he's nipping at my heels. I'm eating canned beans by fucking candlelight. I'm like, oh. I switched my SSRI by five milligrams, by like this much. In which direction? I went up. I go, maybe I just go up a little bit. And now my brain is like. So I called my psychiatrist today. I go, and I think I got to take the elevator back down. Sweating. You should have. I mean. I'm on like 55 peptides. I'm going to be ripped by the end of this interview. But I'm going to have pendulous breasts. Like Vivian Leigh in Streetcar Named Desire. It's like Vivian Leigh in Golden Girls. Yeah. Yeah. You guys want to train SSRIs by the end of this? Why don't we do a little Russian Roulette? You can be on what I'm on. Yeah. I got on them pretty late for a guy with my affliction. Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm like, why did I wait this long? I gutted it out for a really long time and then had you right there. What do you think that is? Pride? I'm like, why did I wait so long? I know in my case it was just, nope. You don't take anything to make life easier. If anything, you do things to make life harder. Yeah. So I hair shirted it and I just was like. What's hair shirted? I feel like hair shirt means you're just like, I don't know. You're. That's not a phrase. Yeah. You wear a hair shirt. I just. I never heard that either. I collapsed it. I collapsed it. Old monks used to wear it to do like self-punishment. Yes. It's a kind of putting on a hair shirt. It's like Irish Catholic repression. It's like repress everything or self-anesthetize. Was it like that kind of thing? Yeah. I like reducing you to a stereotype. That's what I'm trying to do. You are reducing me to a stereotype, only it's exactly true. You're right. Hey, Celtics, right? England, bad. Celtics, good. I keep pandering to you. And I do live under a magical mushroom. In the forest. Why am I pandering to you? Putting on a hair shirt is this phrase, but basically, I think that's what I was doing was saying, I don't, something that makes life a little easier for you, fuck that. It's supposed to be hard. And I did that well. Sam, I don't know why. Well past the age when I should have been doing that. And you're in your 90s now, so what are we talking about? You know, I didn't like that. Okay. Yes. Did I fight in World War II? Yes. Was I old then? Yeah. I went into the battle. I went into the battle at 35 years old. And you fought for the Japanese. I fought for the Japanese because I said, the cars they make in 20 years are going to be fucking amazing. I should have done my homework. Anyway, another Guinness. I'm sweating. You are. You're a big mess. But, watch this. But I did climax several times. What's going on here? Jonah just threw a garbage at me. No, she's throwing you some Kleenex so you can. I can wipe the sweat for you, though. She tried to slide it like a bartender, but it just fumbled. Yeah, yeah. It's like a saloon. I just see giant. And it's empty. Oh, no. There is one in there. Why? I was like, do you want me to throw that out for you? Or do you have recycling? Budgets are tight. I worry that if I do that, I'll have patches of tissue all over my head, which will be worse. Oh, no. You made a movie with John Cena. Yes. It's called Little Brother. Thank you. You guys are really funny together. Thank you. I've been trying to talk about it the whole time, but you're all over the place. We get it, dude. You went to Morocco. But now you're back in the USA, a country with absolutely zero problems, baby. Hey! Don't you dare make political commentary here. Don't you dare. I didn't say a word. USA. USA. USA. Do they got that chant in your little Moroccan paradise? No, they don't. No, they don't. Thank you. I chant USA to every foreign country I go to. And they like it? Oh, thank you. I love it. Tell me more of this USA. I wear star-spangled. I dress like Uncle Sam. Star-spangled top hat, outfit. This goes back to the beginning of the pod. When I talked about the worst Halloween costume I ever had, my mom, God bless her soul, but she said, I'll take care of it. And she got me an Uncle Sam costume. And it was like 1970, height of Vietnam, 1973. Watergate. And I'm like, I've got this mask. And we've talked about it years ago on the podcast. We bought it, remember? Yeah, we bought it. Do you have an image of it? You got to put a picture of it. Yeah, we did, I think, find one. Yeah. Put a picture on. Put a nude image of yourself on the screen right now. I'll get some clicks. Let's see what you're working with. All right. Well, I think you'll be quite pleased that yours isn't like that. I want to see what you put your wife through. I'm going to say twice a year. Why, she's crying. Oh, you're so far off. We hit the big tree. Sarah, why are you just laughing along? Why can't you jump in and say, that's not true. He's very sensual. Why would I say that? Just from what you've heard. Oh, God. You're supposed to have my back on these things. I hear he's super sensual. Wait, wait, wait. Can we talk about my movie, Conan? I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. I don't want to. Dude, help me out, dog. You guys are funny together. I'm trying to plug a thing here. Why don't I do it? Because you're in no state. You're crashing. You took the wrong pills. You need to get a real- I only have five milligrams of Zoloft, dude. I'm partying, dog. Isn't it funny? In your 20s, you're like texting your friends, get me Coke, get me Molly, get me mushrooms. In your 40s, you're like, get me Propecia, Zoloft, Wellbutrin. Something to moisten my gums. What? Is that a thing? You bet it is. What? What? You make this movie. It's very funny. Thank you. And my curiosity is, you guys must have known beforehand that you do well together. I mean, clearly, he had been on the show. He had thrown you through a bookcase, but- I love John. Well, we're totally opposite. Yes, you are. The way we look, the way we behave. So I knew, like, instantly, that's a recipe for a good comedic duo. Yeah. And I love his work ethic, and he's got comedic chops. You look at him, and he's this giant lumberjack. It's like, he doesn't make sense. He shouldn't exist, but he does. He knows Mandarin fluently. Do you know what that is? No. He plays virtuoso, like, piano, like, concert piano. He's the most interesting man in the world. And, like, he's just, he's got comedy chops. It's not fair. No, it's not. Man, you have to have that. It's comedy, comedy chops. Or no one will talk to people across the street. No, I'm a very good athlete. And a male model, and a- Well, anyway, but anyway, no- I look like Snuffleupagus. Yeah. You told me, last time I was on the pod, you told me you had gray teeth growing up. That's when I, that's when it clicked. Because you are a handsome man, and you're tall. You're tall, and you are a handsome man. But as soon as you said you had gray teeth- I had two dead gray teeth in front of my mouth. I go, that's why he's a comedian. I was like- There were plenty of other reasons why I was a comedian. - But the great teeth, they helped. - You need those things a child people are surprised when i like i tell them i meditate and i do my homework and i got like straight a's in school they're like what yeah they think i dropped out of like fourth grade and just like ate candy until like now they think i'm just like i eat a gummy worm sandwich every morning which yes i do do some of that but you know what i'm talking about well i know except i really do those things at home and i don't meditate so i could use more eric you know you want to snort some lexapro dog what you want you want to snort some lexapro dog what you want to snort some lexapro dog what you want to snort some lexapro dog first name uh katie katie uh first of all great writing yeah great writer really funny um and help me because you know these things the the villain in terminator 2 is that the policeman who can who has liquid who can turn into liquid patrick it's the evil t1000 don't act like don't don't do that what don't do what it's it's a t1000 it's the evil t1000 it's a nerd assist Thank you. I'm helping out. Yeah. Okay. There we go. Nerd alley-oop. Any hoops. Awful. What an awful thing. We were inventing these terms. So I was shaved head. I wonder what a Freudian psychologist would say about, you know, what does it mean? I'm there cackling. Yeah. I've got a shaved head. I don't know what that means. You kind of are T-1000-y in a way. You're lithe and nimble. You can slip through jail bars. Yes, yes. First of all, I am primarily made of liquid metal. But also, yes, I can shapeshift. I'm a shapeshifter, a mind grifter, a high plains drifter. There's nothing I can't do. There's no gum I won't chew. Oh, God. I see myself very much in that role. So I think it's cool and correct that Katie identified me that way. Don't you want to be Arnold Schwarzenegger? No? No. That's awful. Because then you have to be governor of California. And I think the state is ungovernable. We're going to find out. There's a big thought that California should be split up into smaller states. What? Yeah. No. Because it's too big. It's too big. No one seems to be able to run this place. The north, the central, and the south? Yeah. I think there should be three different states. Oh, so you do subscribe to this? I'm just going to go with it because it's good for the podcast for me to have a strong opinion. Okay. I think it should be subdivided. I think it should be three states. What would you name them? Cala, Forn, and Ea. Oh. Yeah, I live in the state of Forn. Or Ea. What is Ea? I'm in Forn, but we're headed down to Ea for Christmas. I live in Forn, but I vacation in Ea. Yeah. Yeah, some people believe that that's what should happen. Some people believe it should secede from the Union, too. Where do you fall on that? Well, because we are the world's fourth largest economy. Interesting. No. I don't think so. Okay. But I will change that opinion if it gets us more content for the podcast. I'll do whatever it takes. So for me to have a strong opinion, do we secede? I mean, I guess, but then that raises all of its own problems. We could be attacked by Utah on the night, and you don't want that. Utah? Yeah. I think we could take Utah. I don't know. Our army. I don't know how our army would do. Also, remember, if we're split into three, then that's a. Oh, you're saying if we are three, are we three different countries? No, I think if we secede, we're one. We're one. So what are you for? Us breaking into three and staying? Oh, I'm not getting in. You're not dragging me into this. Well, you are California born and bred, so you have to weigh in on this. I love my state. Sonny, you're an immigrant, so you. What? I'm not an immigrant. You can't vote. She was born the town over from me. I can vote. Immigrants can vote. What? Conan! Yes, we can. First of all, I'm not an immigrant. Yay! I got her! I got her to admit! I was birthering you long before Trump was birthed. I was birthering Obama. I was birthering your status now. Don't brag about it. You know what? I got you uncertain. I was born here. I was born in Montebello. Well, which is it? You keep changing your story. Stop! I'm saying, I'm trying to teach you that immigrants are allowed to vote, and it's okay, and I'm not an immigrant. Well, I'm glad, because I think they should be, and I'm glad we've now changed it so they can. Oh, wow. Okay, good. You're so brave. And whenever that passed. So brave. That's great. I'm for it. I am for it, and I'm glad that finally that's the way we're doing things. Well, Katie, I hope we answered your question. Good question. I know. What are you. You totally went off topic. I brought up Arnold Schwarzenegger, and you started bringing up rigging the state into three parts. Well, which is it? Do you want it to be three different states, or do you want it to be one that secedes from the United States? Its own country. I want to keep us together. I think we're stronger together, so I'd like to be our own country. Okay. I would love to have a passport that's just like California. Yeah, and it says, chill, dude. Yes! In Latin, on the top. What is chill, dude, in Latin? I don't know. I'm not even going to try it. Oh, man. Yeah. Uh, uh, dormay. Brosephus. Brosephus. Yes! Hey, you know what? That's a U word. That's a U. We're going to legitimize your citizenship for that. You know what? Sona, welcome to America. Don't do an accent when you say it. Everyone says it's America. This is awful. That's a. You know what? It's okay to be an immigrant. That's a strong stance I'm taking. I love immigrants, and I'm so glad that you are here now. I'm glad. I love that you're here now. Okay. Well. She used to listen to me on Radio Free Europe when she was growing up. In the country of Montebello. I nestled in between Serbia, and I got to get out of here, yeah. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm going to secede from this podcast. Yes, yes. We're all. You are a villain. Let's break this podcast up into three distinct sets. Okay. This is why people are dreaming or having dreams of you as a villain. I am a villain. If you listen to this podcast, you are a villain. I am an arch-villain. Yeah, yeah. I'm the Joker and the Riddler all combined. Yeah, that's true. Peace out, Tupac. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross. and Nick Liao. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.