Episode 95 - Why Date Nights Save Your Marriage (And How to Do Them Right)

Welcome to Marriage IQ, the podcast helping you become an intelligent spouse. I'm Heidi Hastings, and I'm Scott Hastings. We are two doctors, two researchers, two spouses, two lovers, and two incredibly different human beings, coming together for one purpose to change the stinky parts of your marriage into scintillating ones using intelligence. Mixed with a little fun. Hello everyone, and thank you for choosing to listen to Marriage IQ every week for lessons. Not just marriage lessons, but language lessons. You might ask what kind of language? Well, the language of love. We here at the Hastings Institute for Advanced Marital Studies teach language lessons to create your own life together as husband and wife, legally and lawfully wedded. With all the hard work that is required to create that scintillating life, it's also nice to be able to just let down and relax sometimes, right? And that's what we are doing today. We've talked Heidi a lot about in the past about date nights, but not specifically. They didn't get their own episode. Yeah. And that's what we're really excited. We feel so passionately about date nights because I would say, you tell me if you think the same, it's probably one of the top three things that we've instituted in our marriage to keep us very aligned, to keep us from moving into that roommate syndrome. That's so many people that we know are living just separate lives staying in the same place. I think both you and I look forward so much to date nights on Friday nights that it is exciting to think, oh, I can just touch through one more day and then we'll be together and we're going to do something really fun, really connecting. Yeah. I feel the same way. Yep. Certainly. So date nights are not just a good idea. They're also vital, as you were saying, to creating and maintaining that scintillating marriage. And we kind of want to peel off the layers today and allow you a peak into our own lives. What we've learned about our own date nights over the past 30 years. And I'll tell you, over 30 years of dating, they haven't gotten boring. We keep doing different things to do. So you're going to learn a little bit about what we do. You may do something different. That's totally fine. But what we're just trying to do is give you some ideas, some new perspectives. You know, and we also want to dive deeper on why date nights in general are just so important. And why do we keep doing it? These are all great questions. So stick around and find out. But we have some really exciting news for you now, too. Do you want to win a date night with your honey on us? Marriage IQ is giving away a hundred dollar gift card. So you can use for your favorite restaurant, concert, whatever you want for five lucky couples. Yes. Five couples. We know we are a little different. Most podcasts want your attention. We do too. But we want to reward you for it. Yeah. And because we feel so strongly about date nights, we want you to feel the excitement about date nights that we have. Heidi, how do they enter? All right. That's a great question. So just go to marriage IQ.com. And if you go to weekly tips, you can see all of the tips that we've put on there every week for the last several weeks. But there should be a pop up right there that says, would you like to subscribe? These just take one minute to read. And they also have an action tip included with it. So on your date night, you and your honey can practice whatever it is that we've been talking about in that week's episode. And that's it. You subscribe and you're automatically entered to win. So we will do a random drawing from within that group of subscribers and then let you know who the winner is. So get your spouse to subscribe as well. That doubles your chances. Are you already subscribed to the marriage IQ weekly tips? You're already in the drawing then. As Heidi said, we randomly pick five lucky people from our email list entries close on November 18th, 2025. And winners will be announced by November 28th. So don't wait. Head on over to marriage IQ.com. Subscribe and let us treat you to dinner. If the winners will share photos with us, we will post that on our social media to let other marriage IQ listeners know what fun ideas there are for dating your spouse. That's a great idea, honey. I think anyone winning or not, if they could just post videos to Instagram or whatever social media they have, something that we inspired you to do with your spouse. Yeah. And send us a copy and we will post some of those that we think are really great on our marriage IQ's social media. So date night, we are very intentional about our dating from the beginning. It was a priority from day one. And we kind of said, you know, this is who we are. We are daters. We date each other. We are invested in our relationship. I was thinking about this. There's a lot of years behind me. And I just thinking as a college student, but we're not old. We're not old. Of course, we're very young. As a college student, you know, a medical student is grueling weeks as an intern where it really got grueling, a resident, a doctor, I've always looked forward to Friday night dates. I just have, it's my favorite part of the week. It's the pinnacle of my week. I was also thinking this morning, kind of reminiscing our dates over the years. And specifically our first date, which to a football game. Yeah, it just happened. It was not intentional at all. We just kind of fell into it. Nor was the first kiss on that very same night, which highly, highly controversial for me anyway. We both have different stories about how all of that went down. But we ended up kissing. And I remember that I thought I had done something terribly wrong because you were just like, oh, and I said, what's wrong? And you said, what? I don't remember conveniently. Well, you were not sick. You were very happy. I'll just put it that way. He was a good kisser. Yep. The stars were aligned. And the fireworks were going off in my brain. I had no idea. I just thought that you was somehow upset, although I did ask you before I kissed you. Yes, consent. Very important. And the days before consent was even a thing. It wasn't really bad. But I was nervous. What can I say? Yeah. That was a great day. We had a lot of fun. We had been working on a project together. And I listened to you play the piano, which was very passionate in my soul. And then you said, hey, I've got tickets for a football game. You want to go? So we were working together. That's an important way to get to know each other and even to create and revive romance. But then music is a big part of that and can be a big turn on for girls. So if you used to do that for your spouse and you're not doing it anymore, maybe that's a good idea. Yeah. Football and piano. Yeah. They may seem not to go together, but in our case, they did. It was great. It's set up the perfect scenario for aligning with that very sweet and tender and passionate kiss. Well, now 30 years later, roughly. Yeah. Almost. Here we are doing a podcast together on marriage. I remember my 25th birthday. We were just started dating. And you collected a bunch of little things that were meaningful. You had a little stuffed bear. I sowed the stuffed bear, which is probably the last time I've sowed anything. I'm not. If it can't be glue gunned, I don't do it. There you have a folks. It was an act of love. You still have that there. Yeah. It's been one of our memory trunks. Awesome. And you also had a CD of romantic music and just different things that we had both in that short month of dating had really enjoyed together. So it was a very, very thoughtful, intentional gift as we peered out over over Provo Utah on the mountain top and city lights. Yeah. It was wonderful. And then of course, I proposed to you on Valentine's Day because I wanted to be outside the box. I'm outside the box all the time. And so for me to propose on Valentine's Day would be an out of the box thing for me. Yep. I did not see that coming at all. Yeah. Well, I just thinking to about our date nights is very, very poor college students. While I worked at the hospital, you worked in the alumni association at the college, and we did not have much money. But they were fun and very memorable. Yeah, we did free stuff all the time. We'd go to the science museum and look at the taxidermy animals. Or we'd share a plate of that Thai restaurant that we could get one dish for like ten bucks and share it. Our first date night together without a baby in tow. I remember that one in Riverside, Missouri. I was very nervous about that, but we left our older daughter with our younger daughter and that was the day before cell phones when they couldn't call with questions or problems. We did have lots of good neighbors, but just getting away for those few minutes, even when it seems impossible, is really good for our relationship. And Med School, Kansas City, going to the top of the Hyatt Regency, that restaurant that spun around, not that we could afford dinner there, but when you say spin around, it goes very slowly. Yeah, it took an hour to rotate around the city of Kansas City at night. But we could give one big piece of dessert for five dollars and share it. Yeah. But we could dress up. It was the, yeah, we could look like we had money. Yeah. We'd go to the top of this restaurant in Kansas City, overlooking the city and say we want dessert and we'd spend five bucks on the mile high pie. Yeah. Ice cream pie as we sat and talked and looked out and dreamed about our five bucks. Five bucks. Of course, that was a long time ago, but yeah, and then the other date nights and Med School, cheesecake factory, we'd split the burrito ground A, those are the days. I think it's important for any of the younger couples who might be listening that don't have a lot of money to realize if you're budgeting, which we highly encourage you to do, to have a budget item for dates. Now when we were young, that budget was probably like $25 for the month. So if we were going to cheesecake factory, we might go to a library, Barnes and Noble and read books or something that was free some dates so we could have money for one date that was $25, but whatever it is you can do, if you have in your budget a category for dates, that allows you to prioritize those, to be prepared for those and they don't have to be big, huge things, just little things that you can create memories by doing. And we do have some ground rolls with our date nights too when we go out. We don't talk about children. Or we try not to, sometimes we have to remind each other, but yeah. We try not to. We don't talk about our work or school. We talk about us. And sometimes that can be a little hard, but you keep practicing, you get used to it. Yeah. For several years now, we've used John Gottman's Card Deck app that gives us conversations to have that help us get to know what's going on in each other's heads. And I'll be honest, I forget. So I have a little alarm in my iPhone at 7.30 p.m. on Friday night. It says Gottman Card Deck, you were out on dinner doing date nights, boom, oh yeah, there it is. Let's whip it out, ask some questions, do some real investigating, which brings up a point, have we done every single Friday night over the 30 years? I think we might have missed a few. Yeah, we've missed a few. I think when you were one of the high school football team doctors on Friday nights, try to catch Saturday night instead. And on occasion, we didn't, or if I'm out of town, or you're out of town, which doesn't happen all that often, but we try really hard if we know we're going to miss a Friday night to do it another night of the week. But I would say probably more than 95% of the time we've hit those. I would say, yeah, at least 95% very few weekends that we go without date night. And you know, I found doing some research, this is not very common. It's not even really common for couples to go out on date night once a month. Really? Yeah. I think in the minority, which is interesting, they're missing out, they're missing out. You're missing out, folks, or telling you. And what does date night look like? What can it look like? Well, we're going to talk about that today. We're going to talk about different things. I will say that you've gotten some books for me over the years to try to maybe some date night ideas. Yeah. Here's the latest one I give you for Christmas, for years, or maybe couples edition. So it's got lots of different date ideas that you get a coin and you rub off what it is to find out what your adventure is going to be for that week. And then they also have a camera that goes with it. A little Polaroid kind that pops out the picture and then you have a journal of some of your dates. Just stick the photo right there next to it. It tells you about how much it's going to cost, how much time it's going to take. And the best time of day to do it. Yeah. So you plan before you scratch it. Because you don't know ahead of time. That's why it's the scratch thing off to say, "Oh, we're doing this." How many of these have we done? I think we've done two. So in three years, we've done two of these. The one that we did that was fun was to make a pie together. I blindfolded him and then I could guide his hands in making a pie. It's a lot of fun. You can use three sentences the whole time. So you're working on this as a couple using body language. So we encourage this, especially for people who are looking for those fun, fun, creative types of data ideas that they want to document and keep a journal of some of those for memories. But you know, Heidi, you gave us to me three and a half years ago, but we have only done two of them. Yeah. We bumped into one that was going to take a lot of time and effort. It's a good idea. I thought about this this morning. Like, why haven't we done this more? And I think the answer is, I really look forward to Friday night dates because it's my chance to relax, to do nothing. Like I spend my entire week creating. I spend most of my time in the office creating a game plan for all of my patients, thinking, creating, inventing. I spend my free time on weekends creating podcasts. You do the same, right? I'm creating all week long. We're creating, creating, creating, creating, creating. And when it comes to Friday night, I want to consume. That means relaxing, going out for a nice meal and coming back a lot of times nature will have something to do with it sometimes shopping because we rarely go into a store. This is just that time of life for us. We don't very often go to movies at the movie theater. But we watch a movie here on Friday nights. Again, we're not creating. We're just watching, enjoying. We're going to a symphony like we did last night. That is again, consuming something that touches our souls, helps us relax. Gersh one. It was so incredible. Gersh one. Gersh one. It helps you relax and connect. But if you're not talking to each other about whatever it is, then maybe try some of the things like in this book, or we also have a lot of great ideas for you coming up that are date night's marriage IQ stuff. Yes. We thought we'd get a little creative with you today because that's what we do. Share with you some potential date ideas that we came up with that are related to each of our four cornerstones. Yeah. So let's dive in by starting with our ideas for identity dates, since that's our first cornerstone. Yeah. What are some things you can do to help not only understand your own self better, but understand better who your spouse is and where they came from. You know, I learned this week alone something new about Scott. He was telling me a story about when he was a little kid and loved Alfa Sprouts. I had no clue. I don't think. I'm a lover of Alfa Sprouts. I've ever bought Alfa Sprouts, but that was new information. We eat a ton of Brussels sprouts, by the way. No Alfa Sprouts. And Brussels sprouts really aren't sprouts. Yeah. Missed no more. So okay, here is idea number 1. one for a date to help you with identity. Try a then and now photo adventure. Now this is something that I did with the kids for a Christmas gift for Scott one time, but this we're going to relate to a date night. So what you'll do is find pictures from either when you were dating or when you were first married and then recreate that whole scenario by having very similar clothes, at least the same color of outfits, the same pose, the same location and then reflect afterwards on how both of you have grown. I love that. Now this could be that you've expanded clothes sizes or it could be other ways that you've grown and maybe both. It's okay, but as you just talk about how the changes have happened in your lives looking backward. That's part of your identity. I love looking backward. Another one is personal heritage night. So you find each other's favorite childhood meal. Mine was fried chicken. Well, my parents were very, very healthy eaters, but I did love going to my grandma's house and she would make us baloney sandwiches, which we were never allowed to have. And Kool-Aid. Was it on white bread, too? Yes, I do it. And cake and sour cream and onion potato chips. We could also in that same date if making each other's childhood meals sounds like a little bit much. Maybe just pull out Spotify or YouTube music, Apple music, whatever and find favorite songs from your teenage years. Food and music both evoke a lot of memories. So from that, you can share stories that you haven't told each other before. Another idea is to create a vision board together that will help with understanding better the identity you want for your future. Okay. So bring some magazines. If you even subscribed to those anymore, some scissors, poster board, we don't subscribe to many magazines anymore. So I would probably just print out some pictures on the printer of things that we like. And make this joint five year marriage vision board where you're sharing dreams that you've talked about together, but then at least have one dream that you haven't ever talked with each other about before. I like that. Yeah. Let's move on to intentionality. Shall we? Yes. Our second cornerstone. So with intentionality, we live by design, not by default. Yep. Plan a monthly yes day. So that means you take turns, you plan a day where the other agrees to say yes to everything that you wanted within reason. This is inspired by that movie, yes day, I think with Gina Davis, where those parents were constantly saying no to everything that their kids wanted because she wanted to keep them safe and protected and secure bubble wrapped. Even though before they had kids, she and her husband were both highly adventurous. It showed them skydiving while they were dating and then she's like this overprotective mom. That explains a lot of people. So in our relationship, Scott would come and say, let's go to Japan. Let's go to here. Let's go to there. And I would always say no. And so one year for Christmas, I gave him a yes pillow. It was December 2019. And I said, this is going to be my year of yes for you. So everything he wanted to do came to a screeching halt March 17th, 2020, when the country closed down with COVID. So he didn't ever really get a year of yes, but I think it's okay to do a yes day where we just go and have fun and have adventure and be less worried about safety and more concerned about making memories. Another idea is a sunrise pact. Get up before dawn. Drive to a scenic overlook and watch the sunrise together. Then exchange one intention or the week that you've been thinking about. We actually do this a lot. This is very fun to us. We love sun rises sunsets. What's another one Heidi? Okay. This one is taking the idea of a bucket list, which I did give you some bucket list gifts for this last Christmas, but this takes the bucket list idea, but we're reversing it. And instead of dreaming ahead, list the amazing things that you've already done together as a couple the reverse bucket list. Yeah. Research shows that just being able to look back on your past with fondness, with laughter, bonding. Yeah, bonding really helps us solidify our marriage. So you might choose to do this with a fun dessert or going somewhere fun. You could even do it in the car, but looking back and remembering the fun things you've done is a big part of intentionality that sometimes overlooked what's our fun dessert, honey? Roasted almonds. I don't need sugar or flour. That's our fun dessert. Sorry. Some people might not think that's too fun, but you eat popsicles and I roasted almonds. Alright, let's move on to the insight. Inside number three. What do you think about that? What do you have? Where you start really digging down deep conversations and emotional growth. So here's my ideas. So a question jar, each of you writes 10 deep questions. Like when do you feel closest to me? What's one small regret? If you're having a hard time thinking of some of these questions, check out John Gottman's Cardex app. Yeah, we just talked about it. Yeah, it's loaded with great questions for getting to know each other's inner world. So you take turns answering, daring dinner. What's another date night idea for insight? So we do talk a lot about personality tests for both insight and identity. And so a fun idea might be to take an online personality test, compare, talk about them, or you could do even a love language test, and then spend part of your date acting like the other person's identity. The fun part about that is that it helps them understand what they're like. It's like to be you. Yeah, like looking in a mirror almost and don't do it in a rude way. I mean, you can do it in an exaggerated way if you want. That's kind of fun. But it's not meant to be hurtful. It's meant to be playful and it's meant to be enlightening. I like that. How about the curious detective? Hmm. Okay. Do we get out our trench coats and our maybe so by glasses, pretend that you're each detectives trying to understand what makes my partner tick? Yeah, that's an important part of insight. Yeah. What made you feel most alive this month? That's a good question we can talk about. Yeah. Like what situation do you wish I could understand better? And then write down some notes and discuss. Yeah. And the whole detective thing you could play on that for the whole date. If you wanted like where you choose to go to dinner or what movie if you wanted to watch a movie afterward, you could play that up and make it really fun. I'd never worn a trench coat and supply glasses inside our bedroom, but I could see how that could end up there. Just an idea. Which leads into our next cornerstone very well. And that is intimacy. So intimacy, yes, it's sexuality, but it's so much more than that. It's play, it's passion, it's being present, it's being emotionally present, physically present. It's talking about things that are dear and connecting to us. So Scott, what fun ideas do you have to increase intimacy on a date? The blindfold chef night. One cooks the other guesses the ingredients by smell or taste and you can't peek. So this would be really good for foodies like me. I love how foods are brought together. And I love watching cooking shows. That's a secret thing. I'm going to go to the gym. I love watching. But yeah, I think one thing I noticed about what you've said with that idea is that we're bringing mindfulness into it. If we're bringing in smells and tastes yes. And if we're blindfolded, we may have to rely on what we hear rather than what we see. And all of those things help us be mindful, which we talk about a lot as a way to increase intimacy to be very present. I agree. Indubitably. All right, here's another idea. The first kiss redo. Oh, now for we live far away from where our first kiss was and Scott told you a little bit about that. But if you can meet at that spot again, or a new spot that's something like it and pretend that it's your very first date, reintroduce yourselves, flirt shamelessly, and see what sparks. Just work on recreating that atmosphere that was so fun in the first place. Yeah. And again, remembering helps us build intimacy towards each other. I like it. So, Scott, what ideas do you have? How about a memory massage? Ooh, what is that? You take turns giving a slow back massage while narrating a favorite shared memory in detail. So tell me what you think that would do. Well, I would probably pick our first date and tell it to you slowly. And that with a massage has got to be like the best ever. Yeah. So these are just a few fun dates. You can think of some of your own. We would love for you to share with us at [email protected]. Any of the ideas that you have that fit within our four cornerstones of identity, intentionality, insight, and intimacy. And we invite you to stay tuned for Friday's Part 2 on this episode where we're going to be talking about the ultimate marriage IQ date night ideas. And we'll be doing fun date nights within each of the four cornerstones that you can do with each season. So that's giving you a year's worth of date night ideas. In the meantime, between now and Friday, if you can't get enough of Marriage IQ, listen to some old episodes and head on over to marriageiq.com, subscribe and get entered into our giveaway. Yep. Don't forget. And we will see you next time on another exciting episode of Marriage IQ.