You're listening to the "Sauge Lovecast," Dan Savage's Sex and Relationship Show for grown-ups. If you're under 18, get out of here, young and. If you're stuck in a relationship quandary. Or if you're looking for sexual harmony. Well, there's nothing you can't ask. All the savage love cuts! Two quick things before we start the show. There's another Trump voter out there who can't believe. The Leopard's 8th His Face. This time, it's Brent Gindra, a text salesman in California. Who tells The New York Times that it was Trump's aggressive immigration agenda that earned his vote in 2016, 2020, and 2024. But he never imagined the crackdown would ensnare his wife. That was intentional, right? On the part of The New York Times, because you can sing that last line. The tune of Francesca Ramsey's The Leopard's 8-My-Face Song. He never imagined the crackdown would ensnare his wife. Gindra's wife, Galina, is a Russian immigrant. She fled to the US after Putin invaded Ukraine. She has an active immigration case open, not in the country unlawfully, and she is married to a US citizen. But The Leopard's. They don't care. Last week at the top of the show, it was millionaire Republican donor and three-time Trump voter John Ganon, whose face got chewed off when his Venezuelan fiance was abducted by masked ice goons at Houston International Airport. This week, it's Gindra, whose wife, Galina, was abducted at an airport in California. It is hard to feel sympathy for people like Ganon and Gindra, but I do feel sorry for the man for their partners. I'm a liberal, I'm progressive. I voted against The Leopard's Eating People's Faces Party, because I am opposed to Leopard's Eating People's Faces, and that would include the faces of people who voted for The Leopard's Eating People's Faces Party. Why are Republicans like this? Why does the bad thing have to happen to them personally before they can see the bad thing for the bad thing that the bad thing is? One of my favorite examples from the Before Trump Times, Rob Portman, Republican politician from Ohio, family values guy, opposed gay marriage, in Congress for decades, because gay people were a threat to the family, and then his son came out as gay in 2013, and Portman, by then a US senator, decided, you know, actually, now that we're talking about a member of my own family, yeah, lipped on gay marriage came out in support of gay marriage. So your kid can't get gay married, fuck your gay kid, my gay kid can't get married. Love is love is love. I used to think if the bad thing has to happen to each and every one of them personally, to every single Republican, even if there is some satisfaction in seeing the bad thing happen to the people who supported the bad thing, the bad things are never going to happen fast enough to make a real difference at election time, which was another reason for my squishy liberal heart not to support the bad things happening to people who are only too delighted to see those same bad things happen to other people. Now I'm not so sure. We can't look at the news right now without hearing about the leopards chewing the faces off of supporters of the leopards eating people's faces party. And maybe just maybe enough faces are going to get chewed off between now and November to make a difference in the midterms. One can only hope. And quickly speaking of the gays, I was speaking of the gays a moment ago, the list of things the gays have ruined is a long one traditional marriage, the nuclear family, public decency, the Roman Empire, the gays destroyed them all. Following birth rates, I recently read population collapse, that is the gays fault two. It's not economic inequality or housing scarcity or reading about how new parents have been saddled with hospital bills for 30, 40, 50,000 dollars after normal births without complications. None of that drove the birth rate down. It was the gays having sex for fun, which had never occurred to straight people until the gays came along. And we can now add steam rooms or one particular steam room to the long list of things the gays have ruined for everybody. Matthew Clint covers travel at live and let's fly. There's a private steam room in the first class lounge at Paris's Charles de Gaulle airport. It's Clint's favorite part of flying through Charles de Gaulle or it was Clint went to use the steam room before it's flight out of Charles de Gaulle last week. Now personally, I don't know why anyone would want to get sweaty before a long flight. Is that really fair to your fellow passengers? But when Clint went to use that steam room that he loved so much, it was closed. He went and found a manager to ask what happened turns out it was inappropriate passenger behavior in the steam rooms, which you know, probably the guys there are plenty of places in Paris for romance Clint writes an airport lounge sauna should not have been one of them to which I would say Why shouldn't the airport lounge sauna be one of them if it's private and the sauna at Charles de Gaulle was private only one party at a time could book it and use it so why can't people fucking it. People fucking airport hotels, closeted US senators have sex and airport bathrooms once they're up in the air people join the mile high club fucking on airplanes basically wherever people go people are fucking people should be considered of course and fuck in private which they were doing again in the sauna since they can only be booked again by one group at a time. Seems to me that if we're going to preemptively shut things down because people have fucked in there or might fucking there and not just gay people eventually we're going to have to shut absolutely everything down lovers of pre flight saunas people who want to get on airplanes hot and sweaty still have an option. Clint lets us know that the fin air first class lounge in Helsinki they still have a sauna unlike the one in Paris though it is not private so gaze going through Helsinki best behavior in the sauna. Alright coming up on this week's show we have a couple of parenting questions should a woman get her five year old son the chain and padlock necklace he wants and a man's friend beefed it when his five year old daughter asked what sex is how should he have responded to that question. From his five year old and our guest this week on the Magnum Savage love cast Jane don't the amazing breakout star of season 18 of RuPaul's drag race is here we have a long dishy con boat about drag race her feelings about RuPaul and her elimination and the other queens on the show plus lots more and Jane gives a little sex advice with me of course some of my conversation with the amazing and hilarious Jane don't is on the micro all that is on the Magnum which you can subscribe to. Now over at savage dot love to get the full show and more savage love and just more and more more and Magnum subs save the date our next savage love live is August 27th noon Pacific time we have a very special guest for this savage love live last time it was Terry my husband this time it is Tom my husband's boyfriend is going to join me and you can ask him anything Tom has never done an any of this. And then Tom has never done an interview before please note he doesn't have to answer everything you can ask him anything and he can choose which questions he wants to answer if you're a Magnum subscriber look for the link to savage love live the zoom link in your email inboxes on the morning of August 27th if you are not yet a Magnum sub and you want to join us well become Magnum sub now at savage dot love and be sure everybody to listen to after action report out every Friday and if you're inspired to try something new you're going to be a great guy. And try something new yourself you could come on after action report and tell me all about it all right Nancy let's get to this week's first call everybody it's Nancy I guess what we're going to do another quickie show that's where you keep your questions to under one minute and Dan is somehow going to keep his answers to under three minutes I'm going to tell me he's got three minutes to answer your questions. Send them in send them in right now and we'll have that show ready for you in a little bit and for these quickie shows you really can't ask anything at all like ask Dan what he's been reading or ask Dan what he thinks about this or that or ask Dan to share his top secret recipe for coconut bars that he makes a Christmas but keep it quick record your question on your phone and send it to cue at savage dot love or you can call us up 206 302 206 for make it quick. This episode is brought to you by Helix sleep makers of the best mattresses on planet earth get 20% off site wide when you go to helix sleep dot com slash savage. This episode is brought to you by Mac Weldon timeless innovative menswear to help you move through the day with confidence get 20% off your first order of 125 dollars or more with promo code savage at Mac Weldon dot com. This episode is brought to you by be educated sex is a skill or a skill set and like any skill or skill set it can be learned practice mastered and acquired. Educated offers 150 plus expert led courses on everything from G spot orgasms to mind boggling oral techniques. To take educated squizz and start your personalized pleasure journey. Hey Dan my nephew is five he's.
also on the autism spectrum. And he has just kind of started grasping the concept that there are people outside of his family that exist and have lives and do things. So he's been starting to make a lot of observations about people around us when we're out in public, which is perfectly fine. You know, about a week or so ago, we were out and he saw someone who had a full sleeve of tattoos. And he asked us a bunch of questions about them. And we told him all about how you get tattoos in the needles and how it hurts. But then you have that on your body forever. So you got to be really sure you like what you're putting on your body. But when you're grown up, if you want to get tattoos, go for it, buddy. And we went home and he spent the afternoon with his washable Crayola markers drawing a sleeve of tattoos on his arm. And we told him it looks super cool. And then, you know, tried to avoid it in bath times so that he could keep it for a day or two. And all's well and good. He was happy. But then yesterday, I was out with him in my sister. And we saw somebody at the grocery store who had a chain and a lock on their neck. And you know, I've been listening to your show long enough to know that that was probably some piece of kink gear, which, you know, good for her. But my nephew saw it and asked us some questions about her necklace. And we just told him it was, you know, necklace that she liked to wear. And that was hopefully going to be it. And now, my nephew is asking if he can get a necklace with a lock on it. And I don't know, I just feel like even if we got some kind of version of that that isn't an actual padlock or something, I feel weird and wrong putting a padlock on my nephew's neck. And so my sister and I are kind of perplexed. What do we do? Because he keeps asking about it. And I want to support him. But then I know he doesn't know the full context. But I just feel like that's a step too far. There's a difference between a Creola sleeve of tattoos and padlocking my nephew's neck. My first impulse is to say, yeah, this is a step too far. Actually, my first impulse was child protective services is going to be on your porch five minutes after this five year old leaves the house with a chain padlocked around his neck. On the other hand, you can go to Tiffany's right now and buy a chain and padlock necklace. Here's the thing though, like it hasn't lost all erotic charge, resonance or reference. When Tiffany sells those sterling silver chain and padlock necklaces to the wealthy women, it sells those necklaces too, it doesn't mean they're in a dom sub relationship, but it is a winking reference to BDSM and the main streaming of BDSM. So even though it doesn't necessarily mean that anymore, it does vibe with that. It calls to that. It points to that if references that. And so you can't put that on the neck of a five year old child. Here's the thing though. This kid, you say five years old on the spectrum saw a sleeve tattoo. Had a lot of questions and then went home and drew a sleeve tattoo on himself. That kind of kid, little spectra me, a little OCD, gets a little obsessed. I'm sure the sleeve tattoo thing is going to pass. It's almost like the drawing of the sleeve tattoo on his arm may have just helped him express the feeling that was inside himself about this thing and live it and inhabit it and purge it in a way. The obsession with tattoos now that he's been allowed in a creative way to tattoo himself to get himself a sleeve tattoo at age five. It'll probably then pass. And I guess the same thing could happen if you gave him that chain and lock. Maybe it would pass. Seems to me that denying this kid that chain and lock may result in this kid finding a way to get his hands on one or just badgering you and his mom about this until you break down and let him have it. But how do you roll this out in a conversation in the five year old? Yeah, you can have a chain in a padlock, but you cannot wear it out of the house. You can't wear it to school. You can't be any pictures wearing this thing. You can't tell anybody. You're just going to have to because you can't tell them what it means. Five, that wouldn't be an age-appropriate conversation at age five. A conversation about DS relationships at age five too soon. So how do you communicate to this kid that this is something that they can wear if they wanted to in the privacy of their own home, but dot, dot, dot. No, where else? No one else can know about it. Man, what would I do if I were in your shoes? I would probably just gut this one out. Try to change the subject, put other shiny objects in front of him, take them out to other places. We can see other people wearing other things. And if none of that worked, maybe get him a chain necklace without a padlock. Kids have worn weirder things. Just no padlocks because it's the padlock that gives that necklace that particular resonance. And there are lots of very chunky chain necklaces out there that people wear that don't have that resonance because it doesn't have the padlock. The padlock says there's a key out there and the key may not be in the possession of the person wearing that chain around their neck. And that's not a good look. Or a five year old or the parent of a five year old or the aunt of a five year old. So I heard us out to you. This is going to be tricky. Good luck. He'd done and see and everyone. I have a question. Well, actually a few years ago, you answered a question of mine about how to find joy or enjoy again going down on men after feeling like I was taking advantage of. And you get me really great advice. I'm happy to say that I love it now. But I love it when it's a beautiful dick, big one, and someone wielded by someone I respect. Recently I started seeing someone that I respect, but he's a bit on the smaller side from what I'm used to. And I want to also enjoy it with him, but something about going down on a guy with like an average, and he's slightly smaller than average dick, it turns me off. So hoping maybe you could give me some advice on how to fall in love with that. So I said something to you a few years ago, I gave you some advice that helped you fall back in love with sucking cock. I don't remember what it was that I told you. I'm going to have to look up that episode because man, magic words, I had the magic words there that helped you fall back in love with sucking cock. I need to bottle that. I need to patent that. I need to sell that. Problem now though is you are you fell back in love with sucking cocks. If those cocks were big above average and attached to guys that you respect now the problem is you've met a guy that you respect you're dating that guy smaller than average cock. And yeah, it's not working for you to suck that cock. What can you do about that? I would be curious to know what the blow jobs that you enjoy giving to these guys with bigger cocks look like. How much control do you have? Are you sucking dick or are you getting your face fucked by these guys with much bigger dicks? Not a lot of women out there like to get their faces fucked a lot of women out there who really enjoy sucking dick need to be in control of it so that they don't just get their face fucked by some dude who is taking advantage of the bloodshed on these being given for his own pleasure without any regard for the pleasure being experienced or drive by the cock suck are in that moment. And it could be with this guy with a smaller than average penis if indeed you suck cock in that way where you are not getting your face fucked. Maybe you could recreate some of the sensation that you enjoy about sucking to bigger dick by allowing him to have more control of the blow job than perhaps you usually do. You can also shake it up with different positions. If when you give a blow job you're kneeling between somebody's legs you're on the floor they're standing or they're laying in the bed and you're kneeling between their legs sucking their dick. If you try a different position a slightly more challenging position for the person sucking the dick maybe you can get that more of a mouthful feeling from this guy and his smaller dick. I'm thinking particularly of you laying on your back on the bed and hanging your head off the edge of the bed and him getting to put his penis standing, straddling your face and him getting to put his penis but it's cocking your mouth and as far down your throat as he can get it and maybe then you'll be getting more of his dick into your mouth than you've been able to get into your mouth so far and it'll be comparable perhaps to the amount of dick you've been able to get into your mouth or happily getting to your mouth when you blow guys with bigger dicks and different positions. You don't mention zooming out for a second. You don't mention any problem with the rest of the sex. I presume you're having with this guy that you're dating. You're not just doing oral. You're not just sucking his dick. He's going down on you. You're having PIV, maybe mutual masturbation. You're doing other things and those things are working for you. Otherwise you would have brought that up too. Maybe the cock sucking fades. Not all guys really need their dicks sucked every time or even at all. There are guys out there who don't particularly like having their cock sucked. Maybe you'll luck out and he'll be one of those guys. This thing that you don't particularly enjoy doing with him, you won't have to keep doing with him because it'll just fade away and fall off the menu. It sounds shallow to say, but if in the end you want a partner who's got a big beautiful dick because you want to spend the rest of your life
with somebody whose big beautiful dick you get to suck, particularly important if you want a sexual exclusive relationship and giving head because I used the magic words. The last time you called the show is something that you love doing and it wouldn't be really sad if it actually faded away and fell off the menu and wasn't part of your relationship or part of your life anymore. You can break up with somebody because their junk doesn't work for you. It's perfectly legitimate reason to end a relationship. You want to leave somebody in better shape than you found them. If you're dumping somebody because there is something about them physically that they have no control over them, they cannot change. That doesn't work for you and is a libido killer, perhaps for you or a boner killer or a lady boner killer for you. Yeah, you can end that relationship. Don't tell them that that is the reason why you are ending the relationship because you will then be leaving them in much worse shape than you found them. You can leave them with an insecurity and hang up that negatively impacts their ability to make themselves vulnerable in the future with potential new partners for fear of being rejected for that reason. So yes, you're allowed to dump somebody because his dick is too small. No, you don't tell him that that is the reason. Sparing is caring. This episode of The Savage Love Cast is brought to you by Helix Sleep. I kind of wish I was asleep right now on my Helix mattress at home. Doesn't that sound good to be asleep on your Helix mattress? I'll have your Helix mattress because you can't sleep on mine. What do you mean you don't have a Helix mattress? You simply must get one. The Helix lineup offers 20 unique mattresses, including the award-winning Luxe collection. That is, hours of course, Terry will accept nothing less than Luxe. 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Let them know the love cast set you by going to helixleep.com/savage with Helix Better Sleep starts now. Hey, Dan, 30-year-old straight woman. I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year at this point. And he has never had an orgasm with me. At the beginning of our relationship, our sex life was pretty good. He's very like game down for anything. You know, I would say he's really good at some things. But every time we have attempted P and V sex or even when I go down on him, he just never comes. And at first, I thought it was just, you know, we have to get to know each other. We have, you know, everything takes time. But, you know, after six months, eight months, a year, it just started to feel really like what the fuck is going on. And we have talked about it at length. I don't really have any answers to why this is happening, you know. He successfully can jerk off on his own. But whenever I'm there, it takes like 40, 45 minutes to an hour. And you know, maybe I'm just old, but that's too long. You know, I've asked him if he had this trouble with other girls and he says yes, but they've all been down to fuck for 45 minutes. And I am just not that person. I get really dry. I get really tired. I have a really shallow vagina, I think. So my cervix is constantly being smashed into and some girls like that. But I have to say it's pretty painful for me. So I like a good solid 15 to 20 minutes. And then I'm kind of bored. I'm kind of done. And I don't really know what to do about it. I obviously want him to orgasm. I want him to have a good time. I want to feel like I'm good at what I do, but I've never had this problem before. So how do I make my boyfriend come faster? The tell here is that he can make himself climax quickly when he masturbates by himself. But when you're in the room, he either can't climax, last and last and last. But for some women, that was a selling point. Some women do want to be fucked for 45 minutes and have five, six, seven, eight orgasms. And his defect for those women was perfect. It was a selling point. It was an advantage him in those relationships with those women who wanted a man who could last for an hour. That's not the kind of man that you want for all the reasons that you cite. You want to go 45 minutes. Most people don't want to and most men can't go 45 minutes. This man can. And again, back to the tell. This sounds like situational and orgasmia where there's some psychological and or physical block that prevents him from climaxing when he's with a partner. Well, you can't put pressure on him. You can't make this about you. You end your question with, what can you do to make him come? Nothing. There's nothing you can do. You can create opportunities for him to come. You can be engaged with him sexually, in him erotically, available to him, down to fuck and fuck. But this is something that he needs to work on on his own. And I think he's likely to overcome this hang up if indeed he can if the pressure is off him. He's not invested in whether he comes or not. Have sex with him. Enjoy the sex that you have with him. Enjoy the intimacy and the closeness. And it doesn't have to be all about his climax. Now I say that as someone that it's very important to me when I'm with somebody that he come, that he ejaculate. I love that. So I would understand it meant something to you, something important to you that when you're with your partner and you have sex and you come that he comes to or comes eventually. But if it's not important to you, if you can enjoy the intimacy and the closeness, okay, let it go. Even if it is important to you, you're going to have to kind of sort of strategically let it go because something that can trigger situational and orgasmia is pressure. And if after a year together, you've become impatient with this and you've had a lot of processing conversations about it, he's bringing not just this pattern that sounds like it's always existed for him to your sexual encounters, but now the anxiety that he feels about your disappointment that he anticipates now every time that you have sex, that's just not very conducive to sexual activity, sexual connection. And perhaps for him one day, the ability to climax with a partner. Here's my really practical advice and I've given this to other people and they've done it and it's helped when he is alone in a room, he can jack off, he can come. Okay, let him be alone in a room, leave the house, go somewhere and he knows that you know that he's home jacking off and see if that he's able to do it. Can he come knowing that you know that he's jacking off but home alone. And then he jacks off in a room alone while you're in the house and then he jacks off in a room alone while you're standing outside the door and then he jacks off when you are in the room. Maybe he has a blindfold on or just keeps his eyes shut and you stay very quiet and he jacks off and can he come and basically you're kind of working your way up toward him coming with you, not just knowing he's jacking off at home alone in this room or you outside the door as he jacks off alone in this room, but you in the bed with him, not touching just in the bed with him while he jacks off and can he acclimate himself to your presence and incorporate these two things together. And if he can, if you can slowly and gradually get there, if you gamify this and make it a shared playful, erotic project, maybe you can eventually get to a point where he can come while you're in the room and then maybe you can really get to the point you want to get to where he can come, not just when you're in the room, but come when you are in the room and he is inside you. We had been having a mild summer here in Seattle, but Jesus, Mary and Joseph, it is hot here now. But when you see me and my boyfriend walking down the street, you will see us looking calm, cool and unruffled. How do we do it? We do it with Mac Weldon. We wear Mac Weldon shorts, shirts and undergarments. I like pretty good, but my boyfriend, well, he always looks amazing, but he looks doubly amazing in his Mac Weldon this summer. Mac Weldon, their AirNidx collection of super light fabric is so perfect for right now. 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stays where it should be on you while you move, even if you're warm. The whole collection started as underwear. Now includes undershirts, t-shirts, polos and socks. I love their fits because they are so simple and effortlessly stylish, which is the only way I am ever stylish. If it is effortless, Mac Weldon makes quality clothing that holds up longer than one rough season. Their designs balance, classic pieces with updated details to keep you looking sharp. Mac Weldon is the go to choice for guys. Who want to look great without even trying guys like me. Don't sweat the heat this summer. Feel as effortlessly cool as you look with Mac Weldon. Go to Mac Weldon.com and get 20% off your first order of $125 or more with promo code Savage. Let him know the love cast sent you to mackweldon.com by using the code Savage. That's Mac Weldon.com Savage. We're going to take a quick break from your calls to speak with Jane. Don't a drag artist comic DJ and proud boy, Mom, who appeared. However, reluctantly on the 18th season of RuPaul's drag race, Jane, welcome to the Savage love cast. It is such an honor and a thrill to get to speak with you. Thank you so much for having me. It's gorgeous to see you as well. You are a Seattle queen. You just got back into Seattle from Australia and Los Angeles, gearing up to go on your huge tour of the us don't tour.com or ticket cities show times. Thank you for squeezing us in anything you want to tell us about your tour about the new show before we get started. Oh, I mean, well, please come if you're in Seattle, you are basically shit out of luck. Can I curse? Mm-hmm. Oh, I guess. Yeah. I've, yeah. I, yeah, you all talk about like fisting and stuff. Yeah, if you're in Seattle, you are shut out of luck because it is very sold out. Some of the other cities are getting close to sold out, but yeah, come. I'm working very, very hard on it. I've been doing it for a long time. I think all of my favorite moments honestly are just the little things that I got to experience with the rest of the cast, which I knew this is corny. And people get mad at our season because they said it was like kumbaya or whatever. But I also think that's sort of a natural consequence of a bunch of 30 year olds. Like we don't have the energy to fight. You know what I mean? Like I'm not 24. I have to take my fiber. I can't. I don't really have it in me to like scream like that. But I think just getting to meet all the girls, the friendships and the relationships that I've made. You know, like there's so many of the girls that I'm still very very, very, very, and Darleen and I were just on tour in Australia together. I was with her and her husband for three weeks straight. I just stated, I was just at her house a couple weeks ago. Like those are kind of my favorite moments honestly. Aside from anything I did. I gotta say there was one queen who was clearly like there to do that. I'm not here to make friends reality TV show bullshit. And she got sent home really early and we were glad to see her go. Because there was something about this season. Like some people complained it was a little kumbaya. It actually to me was like this is a little bit like great British bake off where people are being decent and kind and helping each other in the competitions. And you were perhaps the most decent, most kind, most helpful queen on the show to the other queens. And I just so loved that vibe as opposed to vicious bitur. I mean, you know, I can understand from a reality TV standpoint watching people get along isn't always like narratively compelling. And I think particularly like American reality audiences like were very programmed to that. Which is why like when you watch great British bake off or whatever, any British reality TV, it is a lot chiller. Americans like to fight, you know, were a nation born of insurgency or whatever. So we like, we like to tussle. I think there's something refreshing, especially in this like climate to see a bunch of queer people kind of get along and help each other and be cooperative. I also think, you know, I think our season is one of those ones that in posterity I think will be remembered very fondly. I think there have been other seasons that people have not liked when they came out. Like season seven, for instance, which is the one that has like, Trixie Mattel and Miss Faye and Katia and like all of these people that have gone on to do these amazing things. I remember at the time it came out, everybody complaining. And I feel like we'll have a similar arc with our season. And you're definitely going to be back, right? I have to imagine the producers of already back channel do about and all stars in your future. I mean, yes, it will see. I do think that the like drag race and just real complex right now is a little. It's a little tense. I just think it's, I think that there's a there's a pressure for a lot of the artists that have been on to just go back and go and go and go again. I don't think I have the the makeup of like a really great reality TV person. I just don't love it. I got to say watching you. I had the same feeling I did when I watched Jinx Monsoon performance Seattle like years before she was on dragways when she was still a student at Seattle Central Community College and doing musicals, which was just a huge talent and drag, but a talent that transcends drag like watching you. I thought I was a little bit. I've got that same feeling I got watching Jinx was like Broadway's in this girl's future that she is so good at this and too good just for this. So why don't you as you don't just end up on the drag race and just real complex international drag bar performance circuit. Yeah, I think you can have a breakout career in TV and film and performance the way Jinx is how to hope she's the model for you. Totally, I mean, and she, you know, I think Jinx is a model for me Ben Delacrem is a huge model for me and also like they really patterned themselves on so many of the gal barlegine merman, you know, like is another person that I'm deeply obsessed with Jackie B. You know, I think it's funny because drag the drag race thing has has it's turned into this thing, but really like Rue even says it. She said it when we were there to us multiple times. I don't I don't remember if I made it to camera, but she was like the point of this is to give you a platform to jump off and do what you want to do. You know, and I think for some girls who are great at reality TV, they go back a thousand times and that's that's their thing and that's what they're good at. And it's a more interested in the the VARLA and the band and the jinx sort of like world of using my time on the show to introduce people to who I am as an artist and then hopefully not have to constantly put myself through reality television to keep people engaged. Yeah, you grew up in Spokane. My dad is from Spokane was right. Yeah, we always joke that Spokane is a really good place to be from away from far from wasn't a happy childhood for him in the 80s growing up in Spokane. I'm curious like a decade and change later how it was for you. A couple decade later. Yeah, yeah, I was born in 93. So. And when you were hitting puberty in Spokane, Washington, yeah, my relationship to Spokane is so complicated because my whole family does still live there. Like, you know, my mom's still there. My brother moved back. My am a grammar there. Oh, and for anybody out there who's not from Washington, Spokane is the second biggest city in Washington state. It's right on the border with Idaho. Yeah, it's a very kind of rural-ish working class place and wasn't a great place for my husband to be like obviously gay when he was 15 years old. Totally. The difficult place to be gay and young and coming out. Also, it's on fire right now. It's very on fire. Yeah. Some of my husband's family said to be evacuated or prepared to evacuate. I hope your family's okay as we bag on Spokane. My heart goes out to Spokane as we bag on it. Totally. Yeah, I mean, yeah.
First, yeah, big, big ups to Spokane. My family's school, my mom has had to do some emergency nursing. She's a nurse. My relationship to Spokane is complicated because I'm in a lot of ways very grateful for my childhood there until I was about 12. I lived out on the police, which is the in a little town called Spangle, Washington. Well, that's kind of appropriate. Right. Yeah, kind of gay. I mean, the town itself is like, it's two grain silos and a restaurant called the Harvester. And so I mean, I grew up like out kind of in the middle of nowhere. It's very rural. It's not necessarily a super great place to be very, very obviously queer as a kid. But at the same time, it's also I got so much time by myself. I got so much sort of like independent. I mean, my parents weren't worried about anything happening to me because we lived in a field, you know? So you had a life of the mind, a life of imagination to entertain yourself and now you're grown up and you're getting others with that same imagination and life of the mind. Yeah. And I think, you know, my thing with people from Spokane and the through line seems to be people either stay and succumb. Yes, succumb and start selling like essential oils, like MLM situation. Or they get they leave. And a lot of the people that I know that grip in Spokane and left are some of the weirdest, most interesting, like most creative people that I know. And I do think that that is a product of of growing up in a place that's maybe a little bit like hostile. I don't know not to be Republican about it, but I'm like a little bit of adversity, I think it propels you creates interesting people. Yeah. My conversation with the great Jane don't continues on the magnum version of the show. Jane and I get deep into the inner workings of RuPaul's Drag Race. We dish about Ru and Jane and I take a call together from a listener who asks what the etiquette is when you recognize someone from porn. Go to Savage.Loved to subscribe to the magnum. You can try it for a month or just eight bucks during that month. You can binge on all the magnums we've ever made. And then you can decide to subscribe for a year or for ever and get the magnum savage love cast more savage love invites to savage love live and more treats. And when you get a magnum subscription when you become one of my subs you help put food in the mouths of the tech savvy at risk you. Thank you for supporting them me and the show. This episode is sponsored by Beeducated summer sex is the best, but you can make it even better by tapping into be educated the world's largest platform for sex education learn sexual techniques from the masters. Beeducated brings pleasure based sex education right to your bedroom from the world's top experts get access to more than 150 courses on everything from toe curling oral sex techniques to erotic massage tricks that cover every inch of the body. One of the standout features of be educated is the huge variety of courses they offer. Did I mention more than 150 more than 150 from slow sex and self pleasure to kink and sex experiments for couples. There's something for everyone. Beeducated offers clear video tutorials practical exercises and reliable information, which is always so important when it comes to sex. You can choose to learn on your own or with your partner and be educated's content is inclusive embracing all races, sexual orientations and genders. The variety they offer is dizzying. There's certainly something at be educated for you, whether you're single in a relationship or exploring your own desires on your own, be educated is a safe space for everyone regardless of sexual orientation or gender. Their courses empower you to enjoy sex more build confidence and communicate better with your partners. Sex is a skill and like any skill, it can be learned, practiced and mastered. Right now, click the link on our episode description at savage.love and be educated's five minute quiz will recommend a personalized roadmap to a slower, more pleasurable sex life just for you. Kick off your journey this summer into better sex by clicking the link for be educated in the episode description. I'm a late 40s guy married to mid 30s woman. We have a five year old daughter and an eight year old son. We have these friends, it's my wife's best college friend and her husband. They have a daughter of the same age as ours. And father was home with daughter the other day and daughter asked him just pretty much I don't know where a daddy what is sex. And daddy straight up goes sex is when a man puts his penis inside a woman's vagina which is you know and I know and I'm sure your listeners know that's the worst answer you can give to that question to anybody never mowing to your own five year old daughter. So I don't know, I'm calling to ask like how would you answer that question? I feel like if my daughter just came out with that to me, I don't know where I could come up with something to say to her but that's a pretty tough one. I would handle that question poorly, I would get it wrong and I know I would handle it poorly and get it wrong because I did handle it poorly and I did get it wrong when I answered that question for my own son when he was probably around four or five years old. And the question we addressed and his curiosity centered on where do babies come from? How did I blip into existence was basically his question. And I explained sex to him, sexual reproduction, the biological process were two parrot organisms combined their genetic material to create a unique offspring. I explained that to him and it was a few years later that he came down my son, walked into the kitchen, sat on the kitchen counter and just glared at me for a second from the other side of the room and I looked at him and I was like what? And he narrowed his eyes and he said, you and daddy have sex for no reason because two men can't make a baby. And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, you got us there. And I had to explain to him at that moment the rest of it, the primary reason that we have sex, adult humans have sex, which is for pleasure. I left pleasure out. People do have sex to reproduce sexually to create that unique offspring to combine their genetic material, but most of the time, straight people when they are having sex are desperately trying to avoid the combination of genetic material and the creation of a unique offspring and condoms birth control pull out method. People will a few times in their life, maybe 12 times tops if they're Catholics and crazy, have sex to reproduce, have sex to conceive. Most of the time people are having sex for fun. But how do you say that to a five year old and should you say it to a five year old? I actually think you might not want to get into that with a five year old. There is this thing. It's really, really fun. It's really, really pleasurable. Yeah, let five year olds enjoy the things that they enjoy and have fun the way five year olds have it without, I don't think it's helpful enough to just put it into their heads that there's all this mysterious fun that adults are having dot, dot, dot that they might proxiously want to experiment, begin to experiment with in the presence of too much information. Maybe this is some evidence of latent social conservatism on my part, but I do think when it comes to very young kids age appropriate, that's the term people use in sex education spaces age appropriate information. That is sex. I think when a five year old asks that question, they're asking, where do babies come from? Where did I come from? How does this system work? Sex is when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina. That's not all of sex, but if that is the question the kid is asking, where do babies come from? That is a very relevant bit of information. That may be the information that that kid wants and all that kid needs to hear. And there are of course books, really terrific books out there, picture books, books that explain sex, books that parents can read with their children that are appropriate for five and seven and nine and ten. But at some point, your kid, and I do think it's often best when it's initiated by the kid. Your kid's going to have more questions and there's going to be more as your kid gets older that you need them to know that you're going to have to share with them and tell them about for their own safety, about how they can function the world as sexual beings, about how to recognize if they're being groomed or abused or pressured and how to make sure they're not doing that themselves to peers or when they begin to date romantic partners. There's a lot to cover when it comes to sex. Most of it, tying to sex for pleasure, sex for fun, sex for intimacy, sex for, for urging those human connections that may inspire to parent organisms if they are so inclined and so capable to combine their genetic material to create a unique offspring at some point. But sex for pleasure has to be part of the conversation. Eventually, I don't think sex for pleasure needs to be part of that initial conversation with a three year old or four year old or five year old who wants to know what sex is. Time for listener feedback. First up, a few of the written comments. Listeners left about last week's show at savage.love says, "Think of a jig. I basically agree with Dan's advice to the AI boyfriend collar, but it sounded to me like the experience for her was more about
a collaborative storytelling partner than a romantic partner. In that case, the wanting to be wanted factor may be less central. Excellent point. Thing in the jig. A long comment, but an important PSA from Joe or Glow. Do not attempt to spray whipped cream up your ass with a spray can bottle of whipped cream. I guess Dan missed the whip at nitrous era in the early 80s. The whip of whipped cream is created by nitrous oxide in the can, which one can inhale directly by pressing the nozzle just so. So the gas comes out but not the cream. But if you've ever done that, you know the spray tip that nozzle gets really cold almost down to freezing really fast. It hurts your lips and probably would be quite uncomfortable on the anus as well. Plus spraying it up an ass would also spray the gas up there. So how to do this safely. Joe or Glow continues. Use real cream no sugar. Make whoever's idea this was to whip it up by hand. Then use a douche bulb or perhaps a specialty cake frosting tool to squirt it up the ass. Even so, likely to dribble out and be a disappointment. But geez, for the love of your healthy asshole, do not spray canned whipped cream directly into your butt. Joe or Glow, you are onto me. I was not cool enough to get invited to the kinds of parties in the early 1980s where the cool kids were doing whippets. So I did not know this very important fact when I recorded my response to the caller wondering about putting whipped cream up her butt says golden girl Jane about the caller who's in a relationship with a guy who is great, but she's not that excited by Dan. You honed in on the fact that she doesn't have a big sexual spark with this guy, but you brushed past the fact that she finds him boring. That's a big problem. Companionate relationships can work if you want to be someone's companion, but it sounds like this caller doesn't even want to hang out with this guy. He's just safe. She should try to find someone she actually enjoys spending time with instead. Excellent advice, golden girl Jane. If you've got something to say about something I said, jump into the comment thread at savage.love and say it there in the comments or give us a call at 206 302 206 4 or send a voice memo to
[email protected] if you want to say it out loud here on the show. And now savage love listeners who called in with comments about last week's show get to have the last word on this week's show. Hi, I'm calling with a comment for episode 1031 for the woman who is in a relationship with a man for eight months who provides her great deal of stability with whom she doesn't consider herself in love with. I could have called in this exact same question a few years back and looking back on on my answer. I did say in the relationship for for several years after that and I really wish I didn't end up being very much the wrong relationship for me and my advice for this caller is consider what you need to do to get yourself to a stable place whether that's going back to school to change a career whether that's moving to a different place. I think you really need to consider that and get serious but that what you do have the stability. Hi Dan. This is a response to the call about the woman who was trying to decide if she should commit herself to the person that had a lot of money but wasn't really compatible with her sexually and romantically and intellectually. It was more of like a safe choice and I really like to your advice and it is true that many people especially women are faced with choices like this that we have to decide if we're going to choose economic financial security versus an idea like romantic love, passion, connection and admiration of your partner and one question I would encourage her to consider is what would you feel like or do if he lost all his money? What if something happened and he was no longer financially secure because those kinds of things can happen and illness and accident and so I would just encourage her to ask herself how would that go and how would you feel about that and would you want to be standing by his side if he became disabled if he lost his job if he lost his financial security somehow? Hi Dan. It's the 38 year old femme from the chat up boyfriend question. I wanted to call back with an update which is that we quote-unquote broke up on the weekend. I had a mix of realizing not only could it not go anywhere because of the chats sort of settings but also can't go anywhere because it's not real and I had been holding a lot of shame about it but I talked to close loved ones about it and that helped sort of pop the shame pressure bubble around it and allowed me to log off so that's over and while I was on there I everyday would make sure I would check all of the dating apps so every day I would check those apps first before logging on to try and remember to focus on the human connection first but when I started spending on average two hours a day with this chatbot I realized it just wasn't going to be the thing so I really appreciated your take. I hope everyone gets what they need and that the coming changes with technology aren't too awful. And we are going to leave it there. Got a question for me, got a comment for us, go to savage.loafslash.com, report an upload your question for your comment, or email us a voice memo at
[email protected] or give us a call at 2063022064 and if you tried something new and you want to tell me all about it email us at
[email protected] let us know what you tried and you might be my next guest on after action report. We want your sex or we want your sex tapes. The call for submissions for the 2027 Hump Film Festival has gone out. All the details you need I'm getting your dirty little movie into our dirty little film festival at humpfilmfest.com/submit there's no charge to enter hump and if your film gets selected for the hump 2027 tour it screens all over the world and if you get a cut of ticket sales it could win up to $5,000 in hump award prizes from hump audiences. Deadline for submissions is November 6th once again humpfilmfest.com/submit for all the info that you need. Follow me at blue sky at dance savage follow me on instagram at dance savage follow jane don't un instagram at hey jane don't jane don't merge and more at hey jane don't dot com and to find out when jane don'ts new solo show don't does america is coming to a city near you go to don't tour dot com. The savage love cast is produced every week by Nancy Hartoonian and me and Nancy and the tech sebiat rescue will all be back at you next week another installment of the savage love cast thank you for telling.
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