Episode 7: When the Answer is No: Prioritizing Your Well-Being

Come on in! Welcome! Oh, I'm glad you're here! Please, come in and have a seat. Let's see where the conversation takes us. Welcome to today's conversation. Today, I'd like to talk about a really important concept. And it's a concept that I personally struggle with my whole life, still continue to struggle with it. And it is when the answer is no. Like, sometimes you just can't, sometimes you don't have the means, you don't have the time, the energy, the ability, sometimes the answer is no. And no can be one of the hardest things to say, especially when the person making the request to somebody that you care about, somebody who matters to you, somebody who's in your inner circle or in your outer circle, it can be really hard to say no. It can be hard to say no personally and it can be hard to say no professionally. But here's the thing, guys, having the ability to say no, to mean no, and to hold to your know is important. It's important because it is one of the most powerful tools that we have to protect our time, to protect our energy, to protect our mental health, and even to protect our identity. We can yes ourselves into being somebody that we're not, if we're not careful, if we don't know what our boundaries are, and hold those boundaries. Saying no is not a refusal. It's a declaration of what matters most to us individually. So how can we get to the point where we can say no without the guilt? Because I don't know about you guys, but man, no is hard for me. I am, I am a lifelong dedicated, raised in the trauma-filled home where people pleasing wasn't just a personality trait. It was a survival skill. Right? Some of us, we come from the trenches where people pleasing is how you guarantee you make it from one day to the next. Being able to gauge where somebody's at, what their emotional state is, and to provide the service and/or behavior that will ensure that they stay in a stable and happy mood. Right? That can be keeping you safe, which means if you grow up and a household like that, you don't exercise your know very often, because no is dangerous. Saying no can get you into trouble, saying no can cause disappointment, frustration, anger. It can make your environment not safe. For some of us. Right? Exercising your know can be really, really challenging. And we can, some of us, not looking at anybody in particular, some of us. Okay, so maybe I'm looking in the mirror. What? We're raised with just a ton of guilt if you said no. You didn't love me if you said no. You weren't being a good girl if you said no. You weren't being a kind girl if you said no. You weren't being nice if you said no. But here's the thing. There are different nose. There are selfish nose. There are times we say no for less than pure reasons. Right? But there's also a protective no. And it's important that in order to say no without guilt, we need to really take a deep look at where our no is coming from. Why? We don't want to do the thing. For instance, a selfish no tends to be rooted in either in difference to the situation. It's not your problem. So why are you going to engage in it? Lack of empathy. You know, feeling for the person experiencing it. So why involve yourself? Avoidance of responsibility. If I just disengage and don't participate, then none of it lands on me. It's about serving only your own desires without regard for the impact of others. And if we're saying no from that place, guilt is going to be a consequence of it. Right? Because your motivations are not coming from the right reasons. So some examples. If you are able to help, but you refuse, simply because you don't feel like it. If you're saying no just to avoid effort or because it's a little inconvenient, ignoring others' needs out of a disconnect or a sense of entitlement, like you don't owe them anything. If anything, they should be doing for you, instead of you, for them. The emotional tone that comes attached to all of that is I don't care how this affects you. I'm only concerned about how it affects me and I'm not interested in helping. No is coming from that kind of a place that's a negative place. I'm not going to feel good about ourselves when that's where the no is coming from. Right? But there are other ways. There are other sources where no is coming from a place of strength. Right? A protective no comes from self-awareness. Your respect for your personal limits. Is it something beyond your capability, beyond your skill set? Right? If it is something beyond your current capacity. Right? If you're already stretching yourself thin and taking on this extra thing is going to deplete you even further, saying no isn't because you don't care. It's because you're trying to reserve some of your own energy. Right? You're doing it from a place of recognizing your own personal limits. A protective no protects your time. It protects your energy. It protects your well-being. And it protects your purpose. Like what goals are you working towards? Whereas when we over commit ourselves and deplete ourselves, we're not leaving us with the resources and the energy necessary to pursue the goals we're driving towards. Some examples of what this can look like. Saying no to something that drains you when you're already overwhelmed is a protective no. It's a positive no. Turning down work or commitments that don't align with your values. We're assuming of course that we've done the work to understand what our personal values are. If this is an exercise you haven't engaged in, it's definitely one I'm going to encourage and it may be a conversation for another day is learning how to define and understand your own personal values is instrumental in being able to hold your boundaries and make choices for activities, behavior in people that all drive you towards your long-term goals. Declining plans because of your mental health or because arrest is a priority. And guys, you're going to hear me say this now. You're probably going to hear me repeated time and time again. Rest and sleep are not the same thing. And just ensuring that you get your, you know, six to eight hours of sleep per night. If that's all you're allotting yourself, you're still depriving yourself of necessary rest. Rest is downtime, time where you are still in body and in mind. Time spent doing meditation, time spent reading can be restful time, time spent doing yoga, time spent walking can be restful time, time spent sitting outdoors in nature. You know the folks who love to take their cup of coffee and go sit on the porch? That is rest time. All right. The folks who like to curl up with the book for a half an hour, 45 minutes before bed, that's rest time. Right. So what's what's your rest time? What does rest look like for you? Because it's different for all of us, something that might look stressful to one person can be restful to another. But the purpose of rest is it is time when you're not having to engage an active thought where you're not taxing your body, right, where you're allowing yourself to be still, be in the moment, maybe even be a little bored. Oh, boredom is a gift we're robbing ourselves of. But that's, that is a conversation for another day. The importance of allowing ourselves boredom, who in our day of the constant scroll and the constant click and the constant stimulation, we lose so much innovation in notting allowing ourselves to become bored. But we'll circle back to that topic. Refusing pressure that crosses your boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries are really, really important in a healthy relationship. What type of behavior you will engage with, what type of language and treatment that you'll participate in. Now, a lot of people think that having boundaries means that you're going to be asking other people to change their behavior. And that is not the case, right? When you're setting boundaries, you're not expecting the other person to change their behavior. What you're doing is you're saying you're going to remove yourself when you encounter behavior that is contrary to your boundaries. Whether they choose to engage in those behaviors is entirely up to them. Your decision to stick around and participate in it is yours. Now, I am, I was having a real problem with some housemates. And when I say housemates, I mean my sisters and my mom. We were housemates. And I say housemates because we were all adults who had come back to live and we were paying equal shares to live in a home. I mean, yes, the house was in my mother's name, but we all paid an equal portion to live there. I moved in with my mom. Hey, sometimes that's what you do, right? And given the financial circumstances at the time, it worked out better for all of us. I moved back home. I had been living out of state. My son Brandon had passed away and it was time to come back and live closer to my family again. And my sister had been in the military and it was time for her to get out of the military. And she'd had a military marriage that ended divorce and she was coming home too. And so we all came home together and we lived in a house shared space. And honestly, I have incredible sisters. I love my sisters. They are some of my best friends. We've been through a lot together. We survived a lot together and I wouldn't be who I am without them. But we were all living in a shared space and we all worked for the same company. So sometimes the negativity from the work day would spill over into the home conversations. And I reached a point where I just, the negativity was getting to me. It was becoming too much. It was just the churning of the day. There was no escaping it, right? You'd complain about the day during the work day and then you'd come home and we'd all complain and bitch about our different departments and the different politics and this and that that goes on in a corporate workplace. It just seemed like we were marinating in the negativity of it. And so I put down a boundary that we could have about 5 or 10 minutes of venting the day. But then we really needed to change the subject. And if everybody felt the need to continue to vent about the day, then I was going to feel the need to remove myself from the conversation. Not that they couldn't have those conversations. Who am I to tell them what they can and can't talk about. But just that when the negativity continued, I was going to remove myself. And I started doing it pretty consistently. And what was awesome is that this topic's changed, right? Because they didn't want me to necessarily leave, we stopped fixating and focusing on all of the negativity and started looking at other things to talk about. And our conversations with each other got better and the negativity in the house was greatly reduced because I never once told them, you can't talk about that. I'm tired of talking about this. Why can't I just get up and leave? We'll just get up and leave. No big announcement, no big stomping of the feet, just changed my location. The conversation changed. And then the patterns of behavior changed. And little things like that can have a huge, huge impact, right? But the point of talking about our boundaries like this, when we know what our boundaries are, and we begin to enforce those boundaries, there are those in our world who will rub up against those boundaries. And rather than try to break them down in a full frontal assault, they'll just try to erode them slowly until you forget that the boundary was supposed to be there. So we have to, we have to stay vigilant with our boundaries. And owning, no, as a full and complete sentence, not requiring further explanation. I know, I know, I feel it, I understand, I get it, I feel the same anxiety when I say, have to say no to somebody I care about. It isn't a comfortable feeling. But here's the wonderful thing. If you just sit and then just comfort for just a moment, it will pass and you'll be fine. And the moment will move on. And then you don't have to show up and do the thing that you didn't have the energy or the time or the resources for. And what you're trading is peace, right? A momentary discomfort, a brief, uncomfortable conversation for peace on the other side. The emotional tone of saying no, a protective no is I care about my well-being and I can still care about you. I can care about you without sacrificing me. We look at a kind of a one-sentence definition of selfish versus protective no. A selfish no avoids connection. A protective no preserves it, starting with the connection to yourself. You have to be grounded in who you are, what you value, what you prioritize, and your health and well-being, merit being prioritized. As a natural people pleaser, it is instinct almost for us to put other people's needs, wants, requests before our own, and say, "Well, take care of me later." I'll take care of me later. The problem pops up when you run out of ladders and your health says, "Nope, you're going to take care of yourself now, because now you got a fever. Now you are dealing with some back spasms, and you can't move. Now you're dealing with, I was talking about my own back spasms for the record. I threw my back out earlier this week, don't know what I did, but I am certain it's because I had myself stressed out, and then that put me at three days of limping around the house in pain because I overextended myself. Why? Because I don't know how to say no. Just for the record folks, this conversation is as much for my benefit as it is for yours. Saying no is something that we have to practice at, all right? Because guilt is often a conditioned response when we say no, especially if you are a care taker, if you are a natural helper, parents can feel real guilty saying no to their kids, to their own parents, teachers, believe it or not, struggle with saying no, all right? Women, by and large, obviously not all of you, right? There are some women who have embraced the power of no, and I want to be more like them someday, all right? But for a lot of women, mothers, wives, caregivers, no is hard, especially when the no is because you're over tired, overworked, underappreciated, overwhelmed, right? No is hard. Anyone who self-identifies as a people pleaser, you are who we are talking about, whether you are a natural born people pleaser, or if you are someone who is conditioned to be a people pleaser, because you were raised by somebody who always thought of others first, and that is the example that was set for you, right? Some of us are trauma-based people pleasers, some of us are nurture-based people pleasers, but we all have the same struggle, no matter how we got here, no matter how we got here, learning how to say no. What it requires is that we rewrite the internal story of no in our own heads. This show runs on the sweat of Ferries and Strong Coffee. If you'd like to support the Ferries or just buy Angela a coffee, we would all appreciate it. The Ferries know she can be really testy without her caffeine, and nobody wants that. You can head to [email protected]/angelaaslivingroom, and the Ferries will thank you. Now back to Angela and the rest of the show. Many of us were taught directly or indirectly that nice people say, "Yes, good people are always available to help, to show up, to do their part," or someone else's part for that matter, and that love means never disappointing anyone, that if you love me, you'll do it for me, right? So when we say no, it can feel like we're being rude, we're being selfish. We may have even been told that when we've said no in the past that we were ungrateful, or unkind, but that feeling comes from an old script when we didn't write, but one that we rehearse every day, like clockwork, till we know it, and it comes naturally right off the cuff, but the time has come, my friends, to grab the pen and rewrite your story. The news story is that saying no doesn't make me unkind, it makes me honest, because honesty is kindness, pretending that I have the energy that I don't have, it's not kind, it's performance. And there's a time and a place for performance, it is on stage. It is at the front of the meeting, it is during the presentation, it is when you're in the spotlight at the party, right? There are times to perform when the microphone is in your hands, baby, put on a performance, and let me tell you, some of us love a good performance, right? But a performance isn't honesty. As an actor, I know that better than most, performance isn't my experience, it's my interpretation of somebody else's experience. If you care about me and I care about you, I need to be honest with you, because dishonesty damages relationships. Through connection, through relationship will not sustain through dishonesty. And I'm not talking about the, does this make my butt look big, which you shouldn't be asking him that, that's not a fair question, you know it's not a fair question, right? We ask that question because we want them to lie to us, we want them to say no darling, that looks fantastic, it's disingenuous, right? But real connection requires real honesty. It means being honest about what's really going on with you, caring enough to be vulnerable about where you're really at and what you're actually capable of. Safety is kinder than over committing. See when you say yes, but you mean no resentment is what follows. It starts to grow like a fungus inside your sentiment towards that person. And the more that they ask you to do and the more you agree to do things that you don't really want to do, that you don't really have the energy for, the more that resentment will grow and tarnish and stain your relationship. When you overextend yourself, both people suffer. You feel drained and they feel your exhaustion, resentment rubs both parties, right? And not in a fun way, but in an abrasive kind of sandpaper way that will leave your skin, raw and red and painful, yeah, it's not the kind of rubbing we want folks. It is not the well lubricated rub of a good massage. It is the abrasive coarse rub of sandpaper. And resentment left unaddressed is poison that kills your relationship. When you're honest about your capacity, the relationship stays clear. It stays respectful and it stays real. Sometimes we just can't show up for people because we need to show up for ourselves. Right? That the part of maintaining our know is understanding your own personal limitations. And guys, this is where knowledge of self is super important. We have to take ownership of knowing who we are and what we need as far as how much sleep do you need? Some people, you know, they need their solid eight hours. Some folks, if it's less than 10 hours, they can't function. For years and years, I was a six hour girl. Like six hours of sleep and I was refreshed and ready to go. In fact, if I get too much more than eight hours of sleep, I wake up sore and still tired and kind of cranky and like I've had too much sleep. So I really like to keep mine right at about six and a half to seven hours is the perfect amount of sleep for me. And I know this because it paid attention to my own needs. How about nutritionally? Like are you are you getting some healthy food in you a couple of times a day? Are you are you letting yourself rock with the low blood sugar? Because we don't think well and we don't respond well when our body is not properly fueled. How about hydrated? Are you are you are you are you are you drinking your water because our bodies are electrical systems. And if we don't have enough fluid in our body, we miss fire stuff doesn't work the way it's supposed to and we get sick, right? And when do I need rest? When do I need to engage with the folks around me? Listen, I'm an extrovert. I get my energy from people so too much time cooped up in my house, just me is not good for me. I need to get out and get around people in order to maintain my physical and mental health. You have to know you what do you need, right? And when you get to know you, it helps you set appropriate boundaries on what tasks, challenges, opportunities and experiences you can accept and when you need to say no, no explanation is needed, when no is your answer. A lot of times we feel like we have to justify our no, like we have to have a reason why we can't do the thing, not everybody is necessitates your reasoning, sometimes a simple no is enough, right? And let me tell you, that's a hard one, that's a hard one for me. I always feel like I need to explain my nose, like I have to have a valid reason that I would stand up to a court of law on why I can't commit to do the thing. And honestly, not everybody requires that, sometimes the offer is just out there and you can say no and it'll be all right. Truth is caring. When we can be honest with somebody, that is a testament to our connection to them. Pretending is pressure, right? Pretending is pressure, a reframe that we can use to help make no easier is my no doesn't reject you, it respects us both. I respect you enough to tell you that I can't show up for you and I respect myself a no enough to know that not showing up is the right choice for me in this moment. My honesty sets a boundary so that our connection doesn't become a burden. There are times where we will find ourselves pulling away from somebody because it's easier to not connect with them at all than it is to tell them no. And that is generally a case of wanting to kick the confrontation can down the road. Many of us are so uncomfortable saying no, we'll avoid the personal together rather than have to have a momentary, unpleasant conversation. And that, well, it's not exactly operating out of a place of courage is it? Not going to out anybody and just call them a coward when they avoid the conversation, but it's certainly not brave behavior. And I get it, uncomfortable conversations are just that, they are uncomfortable, they are disquieting, they are a momentary disruption to our peace. But if we can get brave with them, they tend to be short lived. And then the other side of that is a greater lasting peace, a greater comfort. So when you say yes and you secretly wish that you hadn't, what happens to your energy? Do you not feel it, recede? You feel those energy, you not feel it drain your energy when you commit to something that you really wish you'd had the courage to say no to? What happens to your attitude over time if you continue to say yes when you want to say no? Does it not grow resentment, which then sabotages your attitude, makes it hard to find the positive in the situation, you start dwelling on the negative, fixating on the negative. And then what happens to the relationship as this behavior continues? This is how we end up with damaged and broken and brittle relationships. Saying no isn't the end of kindness. It is the beginning of truth, of clarity, and of really caring for the whole relationship and both parties in the relationship, both you and the person you're in relationship with. We want to replace guilt with clarity. What am I saying yes to when I say no to this other thing? I'm saying yes to my peace. I'm saying yes to my rest. I'm saying yes to my boundaries. I'm saying yes to my own mental health. And I'm saying yes to prioritizing myself. Saying no is not selfish. It is self-preservation. I'm going to say that again. It is prioritizing yourself. So, how do I practice? Well, having some phrases in your pocket that you can pull out to give your know a little weight? I don't have the capacity for that right now. That doesn't work for me. But thank you for thinking of me. It's a great one if you get an invite to join something that is either outside of your comfort level or outside of your energy bank, right? If you have over-peopleed and you just need an evening in, it's always good to acknowledge the appreciation at the offer. But something as simple as, that's just not going to work for me. But thank you for including me. Thank you for thinking of me. Somebody's trying to book your time out. This one really comes in handy if there's a specific day that has been mentioned. Let me get back to you after I check my schedule. This is one that works really well in work settings. I often fall back on the "I am not the master of my own calendar." We're going to have to check with my manager as she handles my scheduling priorities. That's one of my favorite ones. It works every time and it makes them go ask her instead of me. It's great. Here's a question I have for you. Do you apologize every time you say no? Why? Who taught you that you needed to apologize for saying no? I can tell you it was my environment. It taught me that there were repercussions to no and you needed to approach them with care. But what taught you? As a woman growing up in this society, in the era that I did, I caught myself apologizing for everything, almost apologizing for my mere existence. And I have been working diligently to reduce the amount of apologies that I offer for simply being. One of my struggles is not apologizing when I have to say no. Because I genuinely feel bad that I can't meet everybody's needs all of the time, but it's not realistic and it's not healthy to have the personal expectation on my own shoulders that I am responsible for meeting everyone's needs all the time. It's really thinking a lot of yourself if you really stop and think about it. Like how powerful do you really think you are that you are responsible for somebody else's state of mind? I know, I know, I know. These are the things that we need to talk about my friends. And this is why it's important that we have these conversations. This is why we talk about why saying no matters. It's important we recognize how that no is protecting your time, your energy, and your peace. Because you see, time, it is a non-renewable resource. We get no additional time. It is not possible to pack more hours into the day. No matter how many times we move the clock forward or move it back, it's still just 24 hours inside the day. That's all we get. And inside of those 24 hours are 60 minutes in each hour. And inside of those 60 minutes, there's only 60 seconds. And let me tell you, those seconds are going to just keep ticking by. And your peace is priceless. There is no dollar amount worth your peace. We really need to start thinking about no as a security guard. He is at the door protecting the threshold of your life, of your choice, of your peace. And you want to make sure that your bouncer has gotten his daily workout in. And he has exercised his no. Whenever you say yes, or when everything is a yes, it is really hard to identify what are true priorities in your life. Not everything has equal importance. It can't. That's just not how life works. We have to be able to allocate our energy to the things that are most important. Most important to our health, most important to our happiness, most important to our family unit. And how are we going to know what's most important is we have to understand our values. We have to know what is. What do we want our home to feel like? What do we want ourselves to feel like? And how do we want to show up in the world? In order to clearly embody those things, we have to define them. We have to know what they are. We have to give them a name. No allows space for rest. It allows space for creativity. It allows space for your health. And it allows space for your purpose. And man, finding your purpose in this world, finding your purpose, working towards your purpose, and fulfilling your purpose. Oh, that's a whole other conversation. So many conversations we need to have my friends. So many conversations. We're definitely going to have to take a deep dive into figuring out our purpose. People who respect your know are the ones who belong in your inner circle. Because they're the ones who value your health, your well-being, and you as a whole person, not just as what you can do for them. What you can bring for them and how you show up for them. But they respect how you show up for yourself as well. You are not responsible for how someone feels about your boundaries. We're not responsible for how someone feels about your boundaries. They're yours. They're your boundaries. Folks, especially folks who are accustomed to you not having boundaries, they benefit from it. And people are often unwilling to give up things that they are perceiving as a benefit in their relationship with you. And that's one of those red flags we have to look at in relationships. When people are overly comfortable with you, putting yourself out, overworking and overdoing yourself for their benefit. You don't see them returning that energy when it's your turn, when you're the one with the need, when you're the one with the ask, when you're the one with the event, I mean, when we put ourselves fully out there for someone and then we turn around and they show up for us. There is nothing more beautiful than then the bond, the loyalty and the friendship that comes when we show up for each other. But when you notice a pattern that somebody is only ever shows up when there's something you can do for them, but they make themselves absent when you're the one with the need, really, really need to audit whether that person belongs in your circle or not. Not everybody in your corner is cheering for your victory. Okay? Some people are just there to see what they can get from you while they're getting as good. And often times we like to hold on to people, even when they take more than we give than they give because we've invested so much in the relationship, we're certain that eventually it's going to turn around and the dividends are going to be there. And sometimes you have to cut your losses and let that, let that investment go. Don't let that emotional bank account continue to rack up those overdraft fees, right? Your energy, we've talked about the emotional bank account before, right? Well, the emotional bank account and the energy bank account, man, they're, they ride right next to each other. And if somebody is overdrafting on one, they are most likely overdrafting on the other, right? And if you give withdrawals every day and take no deposits in, you will end up emotionally overdrawn. You will be in the red. And that is not healthy for you. It's not healthy for that relationship. And, you know, it takes us back to the beginning and needing to embrace the power and the glory that is no. And here's something I really want you to think about that hidden inside every no, there's a yes. Saying no to over committing is saying yes to giving yourself breathing room. Saying no to toxic people who only take and never give is saying yes to the healthy relationships in your life. You will have so much more time and energy for the people who pour into you when you are no longer bleeding for the toxic ones who only take saying no to every single opportunity that presents itself is reserving and preserving your ability to say yes to the right opportunity. Saying no to their expectations is allowing you a path to say yes to your authentic life. No isn't a rejection. It's a direction. It allows you to control and direct where you spend your energy. So for all of my recovering people, please, the fear that we live with is the fear that they will be upset with me. They will be disappointed in me. They'll be angry with me. But the truth is people may be upset by your boundaries. But those people are often the ones benefiting from you not having any boundaries. And those are the relationships you really want to take a close look at. So I'm going to ask you to start with baby steps. We're going to take small steps to claim no. You're going to practice short, clear nose. And when you say no, take a moment and you sit in the discomfort. Let it just be for a moment. Notice you survived at the discomfort. Notice how peaceful you feel afterwards. So I have a challenge for you. And the challenge is this. I want you to say no at least once this week without explaining why. Just give the answer. No. Okay, I know. That one's asking a whole lot. If that's too much, we can do a baby step. We can say I need to think about that. That's if you're not comfortable giving the immediate no. But I'm telling you what you're doing here is you're kicking that can down the road. Give you time to build yourself up to the no. A little later. Now I have a question. What's the best excuse you've ever given to get out of doing something? Best excuse. Oh, I have had some do'sies over the time. Most honest excuse I ever gave is I called out of work because I told my boss I was going to the fair instead because the fair was more fun than work. I did get written up when I went in the next time though. But at least I didn't lie. All right folks. There's been a fun conversation all about no today. I want to thank you for sticking around. And I look forward to our next conversation. Thank you so much for stopping by today. Don't forget to hit subscribe to get all the latest episodes and find me on social media at Angela's living room on all platforms. Have a fantastic day.