Episode 689: The Tragedy of Harambe

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. Who's that? There's no gorillas in that movie. Oh, fuck. Not a single one. Not a single. I don't even know if there's only one primate in that movie. And it's a baboon. And he's only there for the beginning. There's a man he's wearing his pajamas. Welcome to the last podcast. On the left, ladies and gentlemen, my name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with the. I don't know. I would say the soulful Henry Zebrowski. On the day we arrive on this planet. And today, the man that's leading the next two episodes, we have Ed Larson. Ed, take it away, my friend. So, you guys see The Lion King, the new live action Jon Favreau one? Nope. Did you check it out? I can't believe that they made Simba white. Yeah, I know. Well, the original Simba was white. He was Japanese and he was white, and it was stolen. You don't know about that? Kimba? Kimba? The white lion? Oh, you're talking about the actual story of the Lion King. The story of the Lion King is completely stolen. But the new one, you were mentioning the baboon in the live action? No red ass. Really? Yeah, no red ass. They just gave him. He just had a regular furry ass. He can be any other kind of monkey. A baboon's got a big red ass. It's like the one thing I love about baboons is checking out their ass. It's what baboons have. It's how you know what a baboon is, is that it has the big ass. It's the only animal. And the whole animal kingdom, you're like, let me see your fucking ass. Yeah. That's all right. Wow. They might as well make Simba white. Fabbro, if you're listening, disappointed. Unbelievable. And Nala was blind. Very interesting. All right. Fuckable lion. Friday, November 22nd, 1963. President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Dong. Kennedy had transcended the office. Dong. And moved beyond the title. He was more than just the leader of the free world. He was a bastion of hope. A promise of brighter days ahead. And just like that, he was gone. Two days later, some 250,000 people waited for up to 10 hours for the chance to pay their respects to his brutalized corpse at the U.S. Capitol. Yeah. And there would have been more. But the process took a full 24 hours. And they had to cut it short for the funeral procession, where another one million mourners lined the streets to pay their respect to our fallen charismatic leader. It was the only thing on TV for days. Adults called out of work. Children missed school. Collectively, an entire nation grieved. No! An entire world. Ambassador Brandon Grove put it best, saying that Kennedy was the post-war symbol. A symbol of a revitalized America. And when he died, so once again did American innocence. Anyway, my point is, all that dead president horse shit pales in comparison to how we felt on May 28th, 2016, when Harambe was shot in his beautiful gorilla brain one day after his 17th birthday. I will never mourn a president the way I mourned that monkey. He's an ape. He's an ape. He's an ape. My friend, he's an ape. I will never mourn a president. I was just barely over Bowie. I was barely over Bowie. And then this happened. It's complicated. If they would have loaded Harambe into a casket at the Rotunda, the Cincinnati Zoo, his numbers would have dwarfed Kennedy. But the chilly elites of Cincinnati would never let that happen. Yeah, all the big money players. So you're just going to have to kind of take our word for it over here. Yeah. You're right. Yeah, yeah. One of these days, we're going to take big chilly elites. We're going to take big chilly down. Yeah. Not today, but one of these days. One day. I'm going to take a steak to the very heart of that cinnamon flavored chili. Yeah. That horrific substance that is truly the ultimate symbol of the corruption of the American spirit. Yeah. Julie's on her way to Cincinnati right now for a sprinkle. And then this morning, she was just like, oh, I'm going to get some chili. She got real horny about it. She's going there to piss? That's a tinkle. Yeah. What's a sprinkle? What's a sprinkle? The sprinkle is like a second. It's like a second baby shower. Oh. But it's not a full shower because they've already had a baby. I'm over with this fucking shit. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That is not real. That's just made up shit to get more gifts. Well, how do you get different gifts because the baby's a different sex? You can't wear blue if you're pink. Yeah, you can't. Or the other way around. Yeah, that's what I'd do. I'd mix it all up. Yeah, mix it up. Make it purple. Personally, don't matter. I say put the baby in whatever it doesn't know. I say wrap it up in a little NASCAR wrap. Fucking do whatever you want to do your fucking baby. I don't care. I don't care how it identifies. As long as it's not wearing a Bengals jersey, that's all I care about. I say take all those noodles that you were going to put in your chili. Make the baby wear that. Yeah. Bury the baby in noodles. Spaghetti needs to belong in chili. JFK was massively popular. Don't get me wrong. He had a 58% approval rating in the last poll before his death, which is incredible. But it's also 42% less than Harambe would have had if he was president. Goddamn right. Now, I assume everyone listening slash watching knows this story. But in case you've been in a coma for the last decade, here are the cliff notes. Harambe was a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo, and one day a three-year-old boy found his way into the enclosure. Harambe grabbed the child, dragged him through the water aggressively, fearing for the child's life. A zoo worker shot and killed Harambe, or at least that's the official narrative from zoo officials. I'm pretty sure no one questioned the chimps past the grassy knoll. And there was the orangutan in the sewer grate. Clearly. Very, very mysterious. He was a big fan of Pennywise. Yeah. And he was selling balloons. Somehow, I don't know who gave him that. The umbrella-laden with the dark gun. 2016 was a turning point for our country. For the world. And if you talk to any political pundit or historian, they'll all tell you the same thing. The downfall started with Harambe. Yeah. Yeah. Something weird. Something weird happened. Yeah. It was a weird year. Yeah. I think some other stuff happened in 2016. I don't really remember. No. We had just spent the last 53 years regaining the innocence. We lost with JFK's fatal headshot. And just like that, it was gone again. In our first few weeks living in a post-Harambe world, debates raged online. Was the killing justified? Could there have been a better way to handle the situation? Did the parents of the child throw him in the enclosure? Was it George W. Bush's fault somehow? Yeah. Was this about the Patriot Act? Yeah. And perhaps most importantly, was he any real threat to harm that child? Well, George W. Bush or Harambe? Harambe. Oh, okay. Yeah. We know George W. Bush. I mean, you saw the way he was reading those kids. Yeah. Yeah. Just undressing him with his eyes, barely looking at the book. Seriously. A lot of stuff. 9-11 covered a lot of stuff. The beginning of that book reading session with those kindergartners did involve George Bush having them at knife point saying, you're going to tell me the Texas Rangers are the best baseball team in the world. You give me 20 minutes and I guarantee you I can find some post somewhere that links my page. My pet goat to Epstein Island. Wow. Wow. Honestly. 20 minutes. Symbolism. Yeah. Well, that's where the goat's from. Yeah. Since the dawn of the entertainment industry, we have been preconditioned to believe that gorillas are giant, badass killing machines. Sure. King Kong terrorized New York City. Donkey Kong terrorized the Italian Plumbers Union. They came looking for trouble. And Congo, a horde of angry gorillas, tried to kill Laura Linney and Ernie Hudson with diamond lasers or some shit. I don't remember. It was a mess of a movie. It's not good. Really? Will you stop eating my sesame cake? It's the only reason to watch that movie is that line. You can watch that line on YouTube. That's what I do. Meanwhile, monkeys, apes were presented to us as lovable furry friends with relatable personality traits. George was curious. Abu was mischievous. And Dunstan was a messy hotel guest with a heart of gold. Like Vince Neal. Yes. The reality is this is something of a role swapping. Not to overgeneralize, but every single primate on Earth would rip your ears off your head if they had the opportunity. Every. Single. One. Meanwhile, there have been a whopping zero. You do realize that you're including humans in that? Yes. Yeah. Yeah, he has to. Of course. You ever meet Mike Tyson? Yeah. His new comedy special is coming out on Netflix. Wow. Thank God. Thanks, Netflix. Good work, guys. Good work, guys. Heard it's great. Yeah. He's not convicted of nothing. No. Meanwhile, there's been a whopping zero confirmed incidents of a gorilla killing a human. You hear that? Zero. Even in the wild. Now, that's not to say it's never actually happened, but if it has, the gorillas are super good at covering their tracks. Yeah. Like Casey Anthony. That was incredible for me to read. The gorillas have never been confirmed. because you always see those videos like the the famous video that gets shows up on reddit every couple years of a gorilla just grabbing a photographer and just dragging him for a little while and it makes it seem like oh this good you know gorillas can kill at any moment gorillas are ready to kill they're waiting to kill yeah but they're not no in that story if you find out the actual context of that is that they were they had like a weird playful relationship and so he dragged him and then left him like gorillas warn you yeah they'll do a thing where they're like hey stop doing that yeah i'm gonna bite your face off okay they play rough a little bit but you know it's all in good heart and the gorillas don't kill humans thing that's not like it's not just that gorillas don't kill any living creatures they're primarily herbivores so they don't need a hunt they just mind their own business eat a bunch of fruit plants and bamboo and shit and then uh and then still get demonized by the media because of the gorillas it is big yeah they are they're big they look scary i don't they do no that's also why i love them so much yeah i love a gorilla yeah so there have even been reports of chimpanzees killing gorillas over territory but never the other way around yeah because chimpanzees are much closer in us to dna and then even gorillas absolutely correct because gorillas essentially are pacifist and they're like our third cousin something like that i don't know i didn't read i didn't go that i read it i watched little things saying like because like chimpanzees are essentially like our first cousin well i thought it was uh bonobos or macaques both chimps and macaque and bonobos are our first cousin like gorillas are like our third cousin interesting who's number two um i believe it is the pokemon the only animals gorillas have killed on record are ants and caterpillars which they sometimes eat them for like protein you know grubs like timon and boomba type of deal cute uh if anything they should be getting more credit not just for the tremendous restraint they show in not killing people who kill them all the time we'll get into it the next episode but also for their ability to be absolutely fucking ripped without eating meat so henry just remember the next time some gym bro tells you that you need to try a keto diet to build some muscle i know i have vegan protein powder dad have you seen a shaved gorilla yeah yeah you'd say a gorilla without hair is pretty incredible same with the champ it's gonna take a long time to get rid of it i don't know i don't think it's gonna take a long time shave it yeah yeah you know he's one strong vietnamese woman the average male silverback gorilla weighs 400 pounds it can lift up to 10 times his own body weight who are you gonna trust him or some pimpleback chud over at planet fitness i'm trusting the gorilla thank you i'm honestly just not even asking about anything yeah you kind of mind your own business i kind of want to just work out over there and i'll work out over here like why are you here yeah how'd you get in a planet fitness yeah no one's trying to talk to you no if you're a gorilla in the platinum planet fitness you get any machine you really do yeah but you know they'll break it in addition to being gentle giants gorillas are also incredibly intelligent primatologists have observed them using sticks to measure the depth of rivers and streams to see if it's safe to cross making ladders out of bamboo to rescue baby gorillas stuck in trees and they communicate by using 25 distinct vocalizations they're also known for fashion and cutlery out of sticks so you can add good table manners to the list of reasons why gorillas are fucking awesome it's amazing that is amazing so unfortunately they're also critically endangered their biggest threats include deforestation illegal poaching vulnerability to human illness and deadly outbreaks like ebola and one day in 2016 a zookeeper with a gun zookeeper with a gun oh yeah no i ain't your mama zookeeper i'm a zookeeper with a motherfucking gun that zookeeper has never been publicly identified although i'm sure he or she was probably been docked somewhere uh i'll let you find that on your own the closest i came in my research to uh was finding an ama threat on a reddit that was uh purportedly started by the zookeeper in question but i have my doubts based on their answers like when someone asked how does it feel to be hated worldwide and they responded how does it feel that i fucked your mom or when they expressed frustration at the overall line of questioning and said fuck all your gorilla loving ass fuck you just doesn't seem like uh behavior that's becoming a zookeeper this idea of like that it's rare to be somebody who likes gorillas gorilla lovers like that's like 98 of humanity yeah this idea that somebody would you know zookeepers like these are people with phds like yeah they have doctorates these are people who love animals more than anything on this earth oh you like gorillas fuck yeah i just picture some skaters sitting at home and they're just having a good time and i'm like what the fuck are you doing i just picture some skaters sitting at home and they're just having a good time and i'm like what i'm into this house yeah i feel like she's i'm into this house yeah i feel like she's i'm into this house yeah i feel like she's a gorilla ama a gorilla ama a gorilla ama don't wait i'm the guy who shot harambe whoever it was i'm pretty sure they whoever it was i'm pretty sure they whoever it was i'm pretty sure they weren't trained at south florida's weren't trained at south florida's weren't trained at south florida's tactical academy's zoological emergency tactical academy's zoological emergency tactical academy's zoological emergency response firearms training oh my god response firearms training oh my god response firearms training oh my god nothing would thrill me more than going nothing would thrill me more than going nothing would thrill me more than going through an obstacle course where you have through an obstacle course where you have through an obstacle course where you have to shoot giraffes like popping up his to shoot giraffes like popping up his to shoot giraffes like popping up his targets he's got to shoot it in the head targets he's got to shoot it in the head targets he's got to shoot it in the head james can you pull up the website for us james can you pull up the website for us james can you pull up the website for us real quick i want to show these guys so real quick i want to show these guys so real quick i want to show these guys so basically basically basically uh the website is just a bunch of uh the website is just a bunch of uh the website is just a bunch of pictures of them shooting shotguns through pictures of them shooting shotguns through pictures of them shooting shotguns through fences fences fences this is what you're going to want to do this is what you're going to want to do this is what you're going to want to do you're going to take that shotgun you you're going to take that shotgun you you're going to take that shotgun you want to jam into chain link fence and want to jam into chain link fence and want to jam into chain link fence and shoot the monkey in the head my god i shoot the monkey in the head my god i shoot the monkey in the head my god i mean these are these they look like mean these are these they look like mean these are these they look like they're holding grenade launchers they they're holding grenade launchers they they're holding grenade launchers they are are are they are oh man so that group apparently they are oh man so that group apparently they are oh man so that group apparently was established the same month harambe was established the same month harambe was established the same month harambe was shot in 2016 but it was a different was shot in 2016 but it was a different was shot in 2016 but it was a different incident that sparked its formation incident that sparked its formation incident that sparked its formation april 15th 2016 zookeeper stacy april 15th 2016 zookeeper stacy april 15th 2016 zookeeper stacy conweiser would enter a tiger's conweiser would enter a tiger's conweiser would enter a tiger's night house in palm beach county zoo night house in palm beach county zoo night house in palm beach county zoo the tigers were supposed to have been the tigers were supposed to have been the tigers were supposed to have been secured while she was in the night secured while she was in the night secured while she was in the night house but there was a black box obscuring house but there was a black box obscuring house but there was a black box obscuring her view and uh of an open door that was her view and uh of an open door that was her view and uh of an open door that was supposed to be holding haiti a 350 pound supposed to be holding haiti a 350 pound supposed to be holding haiti a 350 pound malayan tiger haiti attacked conweiser malayan tiger haiti attacked conweiser malayan tiger haiti attacked conweiser when she wasn't looking and fractured when she wasn't looking and fractured when she wasn't looking and fractured her spine lacerated her jugular and her spine lacerated her jugular and her spine lacerated her jugular and broke bones in her neck that's what broke bones in her neck that's what broke bones in her neck that's what happens when you come into the night happens when you come into the night happens when you come into the night house house house what did you expect when you entered what did you expect when you entered what did you expect when you entered the night house the night house the night house they're about to start singing songs they're about to start singing songs they're about to start singing songs yes more bones for the night house she was able to scream for help but when she was able to scream for help but when she was able to scream for help but when the staff arrived at the tiger's night the staff arrived at the tiger's night the staff arrived at the tiger's night house house house haiti was standing over her and not haiti was standing over her and not haiti was standing over her and not ready to release its prey ready to release its prey ready to release its prey were able to get conweiser to a hospital were able to get conweiser to a hospital were able to get conweiser to a hospital but 17 minutes had gone by and she was but 17 minutes had gone by and she was but 17 minutes had gone by and she was pronounced dead on arrival haiti was not pronounced dead on arrival haiti was not pronounced dead on arrival haiti was not euthanized but died the following year euthanized but died the following year euthanized but died the following year from a stomach infection that's what from a stomach infection that's what from a stomach infection that's what happens when you don't finish a kill happens when you don't finish a kill happens when you don't finish a kill inside the night house inside the night house inside the night house demands a soul when you begin a murder demands a soul when you begin a murder demands a soul when you begin a murder and if you do not begin the murder and and if you do not begin the murder and and if you do not begin the murder and in the middle of the night house they'll in the middle of the night house they'll in the middle of the night house they'll take you take you take you also this shows that zins are not good also this shows that zins are not good also this shows that zins are not good for you for you for you are not are not are not they are not immune to the lore of bert they are not immune to the lore of bert they are not immune to the lore of bert kreischer so in response to that particular so in response to that particular so in response to that particular incident this dude in pompano his name's incident this dude in pompano his name's incident this dude in pompano his name's andrew blaszczyk who seems shady as andrew blaszczyk who seems shady as andrew blaszczyk who seems shady as formed his zoological emergency formed his zoological emergency formed his zoological emergency response training program and trained response training program and trained response training program and trained up some of the staff at the palm beach up some of the staff at the palm beach up some of the staff at the palm beach zoo according to their website the zoo according to their website the zoo according to their website the program is quote designed for program is quote designed for program is quote designed for zoological facilities that incorporate zoological facilities that incorporate zoological facilities that incorporate an integrated response for emergencies an integrated response for emergencies an integrated response for emergencies involving dangerous animals which is a involving dangerous animals which is a involving dangerous animals which is a fancy way of saying i'll show you how to fancy way of saying i'll show you how to fancy way of saying i'll show you how to shoot a wombat in the head shoot a wombat in the head shoot a wombat in the head it's small you don't want to get close it's small you don't want to get close it's small you don't want to get close in his mouth take a barrel again his in his mouth take a barrel again his in his mouth take a barrel again his little mouth and don't think it's food little mouth and don't think it's food little mouth and don't think it's food don't think it's got a water tube or don't think it's got a water tube or don't think it's got a water tube or something they'll start licking it something they'll start licking it eagerly, so it's easy to do. Then you separate its brain from its life. So I'm not a gun expert or anything, but if I'm getting mauled by a tiger, I'm not sure I want a shotgun used to free me. I want something a little more precise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a sniper rifle. 22. Also, I'm not sure if it was a good idea for the zoo to build this program because less than two years later, those shotguns that they bought to shoot the sloths with, someone stole them and they were never recovered. Yeah, man, it's because a fucking zoo isn't an arms barracks. It's not an armory. You can't hide all the shotguns. They have a hard enough time keeping the animals in their cages. God. Fly from your grave. Now, before we go any further, as far as the shooting of Harambe goes, I don't blame the zookeeper at all. Even knowing all the info about how gorillas have never killed a human, it was still obviously a dangerous situation. Plus, the zoo was very likely aware of similar incidents at other zoos in recent years and how they turned out. Just four years earlier, a two-year-old boy named Maddox Dirkosh was at the Pittsburgh Zoo with his parents, Jason and Elizabeth. The family happened upon the exhibit of African Wild Dogs. The viewing area was located some 14 feet above the dogs, and Elizabeth thought it would be a good idea to prop Maddox up on the railing so we can get a better view. Well, Maddox was a wiggler and he wiggled his way up the railing. way out of that, and he slipped out of his mother's grip, and he fell into the enclosure. I don't like you calling him a wiggler, but that's fine. Well, that's what I read the court documents, and he literally was like. No, there are plenty of kids who are wigglers. I was a wiggler. I know you were a wiggler. Yeah, no question about it. It's like holding champ. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it is like holding champ. I was like holding champ. So he slipped out of his mom's grip, fell into the enclosure, and the 14-foot drop did have a net. So it was designed to catch things that people might drop, like phones or sunglasses, stuff like that. But it's totally insufficient to hold the weight of a child. I feel like that's the first thing it should have been able to carry. You know what I mean? And the sunglasses, they can just go in the cage. Yeah, just let them eat the sunglasses. Yeah, who gives a fuck? Honestly, kind of fun. One of them picked them up and put them on. Yeah, they're dogs. They'll be fine. Rambo ate a taxidermied alligator head. He lived. There's just so many rules and regulations around zoos that depend far too much on the common sense of the average American. Oh, my God. It is crazy. I was talking to one of my alligator guys right before this to make sure my facts were right on some things, and he was just like, yeah, people just hold their kids over the alligator pit constantly. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. Kids love fear. That is one of the things I know. But Maddox, the net didn't catch him. He bounced right off, and he landed on the ground fully at the mercy of 11 African wild dogs. Uh-oh. Elizabeth started screaming. Obviously. And then she tried to enter the closure herself to save her son, but she was held back by another zoo guest, and they wouldn't let him in. The husband, I don't think he even tried. He was just like, ooh, well, good time to start over. Hope she's ovulating. The staff responded quickly, but in the words of famed zookeeper Jack Hanna, I don't care if a policeman, tranquilizer gun, whatever, had been right there. It could not have helped. Because I tell you what, they didn't fucking tear that baby to pieces. I was gonna molest it myself. I'm naturalist Jack Hanna, who is implicated in the Epstein Files. I am fully implicated. I am in a world traveling molester. But I love primates. I'll leave them alone. The dogs! Different story. Different story. That is, Jack Hanna is deeply involved in the Epstein Files. Is he? Yeah. What? Yeah. Remember all those stories we covered about Jack Hanna being, like, a bad guy? No. No! Yeah. I'm blowing away right now. It's Jack Hanna, I believe, is the guy that's the Go to EpsteinFiles.gov! He's not credibly connected. Oh, okay. Okay. Alright. I mean, someone's gotta give some weird animals to Jeffrey Epstein. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it was Jack Hanna. It's not Jack Hanna. It was one of them that is the fully, deeply involved in Epstein. It was another big naturalist guy. I know David Copperfield. Well, that we know. That's because he's a magician. Someone at the high school. Um, there's absolutely, um. Jack Hanna is completely involved in the Epstein. Like, I don't care. I don't care if I'm speaking ill on his name. I don't care if you want to sue me for defamation, Hanna family. Letterman's gonna come after you. Yeah, let him do it. I cannot in any way find out why you think this. Let's go past it. There's something else. We did cover this. It's in archaeology. It's in archaeology. There was one scientist, dude. Jack, that. Jack, Jack Horner. Jack Horner. That's what I mean. Yes, Jack Horner. It was Jack Horner, the paleontologist. That was the problem. We talked about this when we covered. Yeah, Jack Hanna's the guy with the funny hat. It was on Letterman all the time. Who is innocent. Yeah, he really is. He has, like, a PBS show or something. So, I did a lot of joking about this. I said a lot of statements about this, but I'm gonna now say upon further investigation, Jack Hanna's innocent. I want to make sure that you know that. We just did the investigation here. Yeah, we investigated, and we have said not guilty. Not guilty. So? You know who is guilty? Those 11 African wild dogs. They're known. They're known for being the most efficient killers on the African plains. Living in the wild, they have a diet of antelope, zebra, and wildebeest, but have never killed a human out in the bush. Yeah, not worth it. Yeah, it's only shaved humans. One thing we do know for sure, due to an autopsy, is that poor little Maddox was alive and fully alert while being eviscerated by the canines. Jesus. Eddie, what a wonderful script. What wonderful jokes. Eviscerated while alive. The dogs tore at and destroyed his internal organs. They'll do that. They were pulling at the poor child's body from all directions. He suffered nearly 220 different wounds. Elizabeth Dirkosch wanted to try to stop the whole thing, but she had to watch her son quite literally get torn to pieces in front of her. Maddox ultimately bled to death while the dogs ate him. By the time the zoo veterinarian Barbara Baker arrived on the scene, she determined that Maddox was already dead, and it would be futile and dangerous to Seth to try and intervene. So, the destruction continued for several more minutes as horrified onlookers were rushed away, and the dogs continued their impromptu feeding. Eventually, the cops showed up, and the staff was able to get 10 of the endangered dogs away from Maddox. The thing is, they're endangered, too. They're extra protective. They're extra special, killing animals. They're tearing his child to pieces. And they're a team. There's 11 of them. That's how many people are on a football team. And they're all like, nanny, nanny, nanny. They're like the scrotes from Dublin. Yes. They're untouchable by the police. But the 11th, he wouldn't go back into his enclosure, and so he was shot by a cop. Wow. And I'll say it, this is one of the rare times where if he would have just complied and followed orders, the cop wouldn't have had to shoot him. But unfortunately, they didn't have enough chicken. You know what? I'm on the dog side here. Yeah. I'm on the dog side. He didn't know. Dog didn't know. Dog did not know. I mean, why would anyone get mad at a wild animal for killing somebody? I mean, you know, it depends on who they kill. Like, if they all tore apart beloved child actor Macaulay Culkin at the height of his fame, I would feel different. I don't think I would. I even like him. You don't like Macaulay Culkin? I said I even like him. Oh, I love Macaulay Culkin. Good. He's pretty great, actually. He is. I would feel very sad if he was torn apart by all 11 African wild dogs. I'm sure he would love the story. We'll get him on the show one day. Yeah, let's reach out. Well, the heartbreaking story of Maddox Dirkosch isn't the only other incident I wanted to talk about today. In 2014, there was an incident at Little Rock Zoo that could have been even worse, but due to some quick thinking, tragedy was averted. It follows an almost identical setup. Just replace the two-year-old with a three-year-old, make the mom a grandfather, and change the African wild dogs to jaguars, and you got the gist of it. Jaguars scare the shit out of me. Very scary cats. Out of all the animals, they really fucking frighten me. Do you remember when Murderfest came out to L.A. to do a bunch of shows and take meetings, but we forgot to book said shows and meetings, so we just went to the zoo? Well, I remember I had meetings, and then you guys went to the zoo. Oh, you weren't with us at the zoo. I wasn't with you at the zoo. Oh, interesting. Maybe you should have made the meetings for us. I had an agent at the time, a powerful, very new agent, and so at the time that's what I was doing, and then I was trying to get stuff going. And everyone else just assumed that the agent was also going to make all the meetings for them as well? And we tried. But they didn't want to talk to us. How many plaintiffs did you pay for? I didn't. No, we had to all chip in. We had to all pay for our own plane tickets and go broke. Well, I know, but how many plane tickets were. Eleven of us. Eleven! Oh, yeah, you know, that's called the industry run, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I remember we were all fascinated with the jaguar when we were there. It was just pacing in circles, staring at us all in the eyes, and you knew that the only thing running through its insane solitary confinement riddled jaguar brain was how much it handed us and wanted to see our blood. If I was a jaguar, I'd be like, oh, you're trying to come here and take work out of my fucking mouth? You're trying to take work out of out of my. You're coming from New York City with your fucking experimental sketch comedy? Think you could walk into L.A. and take my pilot? You fucking asshole! But I remember the jaguar, like, literally, like, every step it took, it was, like, punching the ground. It was fucking terrifying. Well, it also could have been. Was it a particularly angry jaguar? It seemed. There was no way this jaguar was happy. No. I'll tell you that much. It was, like, one of the most insane zoo experiences of my life. And there was this one, like, zoo visitor there who was, like, really weirdly obsessed with the jaguar, and he was telling us all these jaguar facts, like, about how jaguars are pound for pound the most powerful cats in the world, and how they could jump into rivers and pull out caimans and drag them into trees and kill them up there, and how they often attack by biting their victim's skull and using their 1,500 PSI, that's pounds per square inch, bite force, to pierce through the prey's temporal bone. I know you don't remember that, but I remember that. I love listening to Eddie when he begins to sound like a giant autistic 10-year-old boy, explaining all the things he learned from his nature books that day. I was about to say, like, I do as an autistic person, I did appreciate your autistic growl, like, did you know that, like, jaguars actually have to talk to humans? I did appreciate your rattle-off. It was a pretty good one. I feel like I'm feeling a giant child just pull on my shirt. And you know what else about jaguars? There's another thing about jaguars. They all have spots. Sometimes they're black, sometimes they're yellow. Shut the fuck up! The stocks are blowing! indeed this incident started just like the attack in pittsburgh two years prior once again the boy remained conscious after the fall once again he was surrounded this time by two jaguars the black cat bit him on the foot the yellow one went right after his fucking dome piece that's what they do yep it seemed like it was another maddox dirkosh situation all over again but miraculously the boy survived oh that was thanks largely to zoo staff who acted with speed and poise distracting the jaguars by spraying them with fire extinguishers while one of the other team employees climbed a ladder down into the exhibit and rescued the toddler no shotgun needed yeah they didn't have to shoot the jaguars in the head crazy quick thinking man exactly the boy was rushed to the hospital where he was treated for extensive scalp laceration a depressed skull fracture and of course puncture wounds the boy was listed as the most dangerous person in the critical condition and within a few days had been upgraded to doing better than he damn well should have been doing and thanks to the quick thinking of the zoo staff the boy is alive today to tell the story i bet somewhere chris nowinski is thinking how much he wants to see this kid's brain gotta see what the pressure does is it different do you get cte jaguar bite no you get cat face the fucking second that boy turns 18 i'm showing up to his door and i'm having to sign the paperwork let me see it your head your brain's mine child i'm not waiting for him to turn into a sleepwalker i need the data on your skull but according to an internal review conducted by the little rock government paramedics were on the scene in less than five minutes after your initial 9-1-1 call was made and the boy was in the hospital only 21 minutes after he fell in the heroic efforts of everyone involved saved the boy and crisis was averted i mean these kids still had to live in arkansas so it's not exactly a happily ever after thing but it's not exactly a thing but beggars can't be choosers like listen nine-year-old so glad you lived now it's time for you to get back to work at the bullet factory let's go get up get up come on we gotta go subjugate black people i will say in all of the research i i'm very impressed that the little rock zoo handled the situation the best hey man i mean i'm sure they had actual product it sounds like they have protocol yeah like just ready to go a lot more kids falling in over there probably yeah they you know actually in places like that they probably do have to deal with they do have to yeah they have to deal with more people acting uh go tell the go tell the antelope you love her yeah it's like a lot of that be like you go over there and hug the antelope you go say hello to it it don't know you're here unless you wave at it little subrinen yeah i go i gotta get a picture you know grandpappy can't come today so i gotta get pictures show him how much you love the antelope but how much because you know how much your grandpappy loves you he got leg infection you know the last thing those jaguars heard was we got another one all right speaking of another one you want to hear another one yeah all right so this one's my favorite back in 1987 an 11 year old boy named juan perez snuck into the prospect park zoo in brooklyn this one's pretty famous i'm sure you heard about it henry and this is the only zoo i know i know that this is a great zoo they get a great little red panda there yeah they do uh i don't think they got polar bears anymore um not in new york city not the not the prospect park zoo yeah dude they had the zoo i grew up going to is the at the zoo in abilene texas it's saddest fucking polar bear on earth oh yeah oh i bet yeah no um so juan uh late at night he snuck into the zoo with his boys and they had the bright idea to go swimming in the polar bear mode like a fucking snl sketch or something and perez's friends they had second thoughts even after perez took some of their clothes and they were like i don't even understand that sentence this 11 year old has been is asking for death it seems like they got undressed so they could skinny dip in the enclosure and then the other kids like saw the polar bears on the other side going and they're like i don't know if i should maybe do it maybe we should do this maybe we should you know just back up a little bit we're going on we're going on a corny aisle or something we're going on a corny aisle or something we're going on there we go sing songs on the boardwalk yeah and then the other was like the other kid got the clothes like through him like now you gotta go get your clothes off you're gonna walk home naked also 1987 brooklyn a bunch of 11 year olds are just walking around just like breaking into the zoo dude 87 was a rough time in the city yeah more likely actually in 87 i would say yeah then it would be now oh well the other boys ended up staying put while perez ventured into the enclosure by himself where he was greeted by two boys and they were like oh my god two polar bears named teddy and lucy and those polar bears love eating boys polar bears the only animals that haunt humans yeah they're fucking terrifying polar bears will fuck your ass up you know but hope they're all gonna be gone soon so we don't have to worry about it went exactly how you expected to go i read a new york times article from 1987 about the incident and it quoted new york mayor ed koch as saying the incident was uh was horrendous and he said it was quote a gruesome sight not describable not describable it's a gruesome it's not describable stop asking me about it a few paragraphs later the times described it in great detail saying that the kid's rib cage had been torn open and the bears had devoured his legs see seems pretty easy to describe mayor stop turning a blind eye to aids it's hard for me to not cut all blind ideas it's one of those things it's so small it's so small how am i supposed to see it so just like in the maddox turkish case by the time police arrived at the scene the boy was already like way dead yeah but unlike that case this was the nypd and they're not gonna pass up an opportunity to shoot the fucking shit out of some polar bears fuck yeah yeah buddy that's the best thought in my fucking life keep drinking you know they were off duty oh yeah this is like it's reverse assault on precinct 13 polar bears it took 20 blasts from 12 gauge shotguns and six bullets from a 38 caliber revolver to bring down the massive bears teddy and lucy were killed simply for protecting their home from an intruder in florida they'd be heroes yeah especially because the kids were spanish so one thing all these cases have in common is that they involved animals that have no problem killing humans and as i said earlier this is not the case with gorillas and i checked oh boy oh boy did i check even coco the gorilla never tried to kill robin williams after he improv'd at her for hours yeah and coco knows he's just gonna go steal my fucking material you know leave here and he's gonna do this tonight at the fucking store if i see you say apple on stage i'm gonna kill you i'm gonna fuck you you say please banana please once i want a hundred dollars no matter how many times flea came into coco's enclosure and just played trumpet at her the closest thing i found was um is an incident was of boquito he's a western gorilla that lived in the rotterdam zoo boquito had actually been born at a different zoo in germany in 1996 but by 2005 he was ready to fuck and was subsequently transferred to a different zoo to avoid inbreeding because sometimes if they left with their parents they'll fuck their moms then they'll make another one and it's not a good thing you know the the killer whales do it too it's fucked up so let me get back to boquito in a moment thank you uh but i just want to take a minute to talk about his new home the rotterdam zoo uh it appears to be for whatever reason the horniest zoo on earth for gorillas uh in the team of researchers uh here um they find everything and they sent me an article from uh the metro website in the uk uh the article it's more of like a tmz piece but uh where someone took several pictures of two gay gorillas but fucking the shit out of each other well male gorillas having sex with each other but that doesn't necessarily mean they're gay i think so well you know i never know you're right you're right you're right well don't don't ask me how everyone found it or why it exists in the first place i don't know and i don't want to know the only thing i do know is that it gave us one of the greatest pictures to ever exist you we're going to put this right up on the internet yeah and for those of you listening because remember this is an audio medium and the vast majority of our listeners still listen to just the podcast the look on the gorilla's face who the top the top gorilla um it it's hmm you see the the gorilla bottoming is the most like a man like most like a man that i've ever seen just in terms of he looks tired he looks more like all right let's go get it done with and then the guy who's topping the gorilla who's topping is looking right down the pipe of the camera saying get the fuck out of here like he's literally being like your take i see you taking a picture of me i'm trying to not but the thing is i can also see a tenderness in the gorilla's embrace yes there's like a there's a that's a relationship right there you saw that's that's why that's why the bottom's yeah that's what love is your poor little guy yeah the bottom is just he's just being like you know like obviously just like get it done already yeah he's just trying to fuck his boyfriend in his little dutch prison that's it you know it's like he's in a paul verhoeven movie oh yeah i've seen this a million times yeah you got to become the fucking subject of the judgmental eye of the public bananas unbelievable of course but of course it's the right yeah it comes as the rotterdam zoos this is where the rotterdam zoos this is where you have all the gorillas the gorillas are so fucking sexy listen hi i'm a girl named brian my thing is can i get transferred to italy or something i'm a hundred percent straight okay in the rotterdam zoos this is where gorillas can truly be the gorillas i don't want to deal with your kinky shit anymore okay i want a woman gorilla you're not dealing with you can have the woman gorillas you can have any gorilla that you want but just as long as you give yourself over to any gorillas that wants you all of this is a lot for me okay fine get this prude out of here i can go you're ruining the vibe so since this zoo is apparently filled with gay gorillas they needed boquito's big old straight gorilla cock to fuck these gorilla chicks and at nine years old poor boquito was ripped away from his mother father and the only home he ever knew and once boquito got to the rotterdam zoo you all them gorilla bitches were creaming their bullshit for him man they were fucking waiting for it and this horny ass dutch zoo was so pumped for boquito to start laying pipe they just fucking let him at it you know and man boy he laid more pipe than rob oaky's hot father i'll tell you that much god did you know rob's dad was hot what is with the good rob is not in today i love this new narrative that has become about how rob's dad's hot yeah rob's dad is like a hot plumber apparently and he's like oh my god i'm gonna go to the hot plumber i'm gonna go to the hot plumber apparently they've all been saying all the ladies were like yeah rob dad's kind of hot and i was like i haven't seen him yeah i haven't seen him either no he's just going all over dong island throwing it around laying pipe laying pipe so boquito didn't need a fertility app or nothing he was just fathering 10 different offspring with multiple females which they're not elon numbers but they're pretty damn good it's kind of crazy to think that elon and nick cannon were both more fertile than a horny set alone that's crazy i would have never he would put all three of them together i don't think i mean like that girl's gonna make the most children yeah yeah yeah especially in rotterdam so it stands against good posture so boquito he went through a lot in a short period of time about a year after being transferred to rotterdam boquito already formed a rivalry with another gorilla named dango dango yeah which is a great name for a gorilla yeah i'm not sure what the rivalry was about but i could only imagine that dango was zach morris and boquito was a.c. slater you know coming in taking all the new coups yeah you know so shortly before boquito's incident dango and two female gorillas were shipped off to shanghai and if two of your baby mamas leave to go to china with your most bitter rival yeah you might get emotional so in the midst of all this boquito had frequent interactions with an unidentified woman who was a regular at the zoo and just like our la zoo friend she said in an interview that boquito was her darling and that they were connected in a very special way this is what happens at the rotterdam zoo like that's why i gotta move today i gotta go back to america really is so much horniness at the rotterdam i've got to get out of here everybody's trying to fuck me i can't handle this okay i just want to be a normal gorilla professor i want to teach gorillas how to read so we can get out of this so every day this old moist woman would just make eye contact with with boquito and then just smile at them according to her boquito would often smile back and if she put her hand on the glass boquito would do the same thing from the inside zoo employees asked her to stop saying it was very dangerous to touch the glass and to smile at gorillas specifically to smile at them specifically yeah studies showed that gorillas could see teeth as a sign of aggression and told her that she could be agitating boquito she disagreed i know what boquito likes he's my boyfriend so after a while on may 18 2007 with boquito moments away from his michael douglas and falling down moment the woman visited the gorilla exhibit once again while she was there in her usual routine of discouraged behavior hi boquito nice to see you you know because she knows better than everybody i'm back nice to see you did you miss me you miss my big body there was some at the same time there were some dutch scrotes there and they started throwing rocks at the boquito fucking flips out and then he goes jumps out of the cage you might say he went apeshit at that point oh yeah so boquito jumps over the 11 foot water filled ditch and barbed wire and then he escaped the enclosure and started pummeling this woman he didn't go for the dutch larrikins who were throwing rocks at him boquito fucking went straight for this woman like a giant gorilla missile he had been waiting to beat the shit out of this old bitch for so long and then he was so fucking long he dragged her for dozens of yards broke a bunch of her bones and bit her over a hundred times what do you think she tasted like henry newports i thought pancakes yeah well he could have got some pancakes because after that he went to the zoo restaurant again stolen directly from falling down and started causing chaos that's fun that makes sense though yeah and then it's just been like all right i want a fucking hot dog yeah if i'm out i'll want a goddamn hot dog i've been thinking and smelling hot dogs in here this whole fucking time and i want one unsalted please for the pretzels uh so that's amazing so but in the ensuing panic three more zoo guests were injured it's rough to say if boquito did it or if they were like trampled or whatever but yet despite all of this boquito was not killed the guests were evacuated and after nearly an hour boquito was tranquilized and returned to his enclosure you know it's a little european but it's good he went on to live for another 16 years finally passing away in 2020 23 from uh succumbing to heart failure which is kind of like a broken heart oh you think you missed her yeah probably but i wonder what she was wearing probably she do you think that she showed her tits to it i you know what yes do you think i think that one time she would have slipped the nipple out do you think that if you show your tits at a gorilla it makes it angry maybe i mean if you started banging them yeah so it's just a strange dutch woman that's obsessed with the gorilla oh yeah totally obsessed with the gorilla but she got the shit kicked out of her she's like she she lived yeah yeah did you think that she didn't go back oh um yeah no she loved the gorilla she didn't uh hold it uh i'm gonna get into it right now so the most violent gorilla attack in history that i could find is 100 bites and some broken bones and hey that's not great but i also think that if boquito wanted to kill this woman he definitely could have oh yeah you know so he was just trying to you got a shitty smile it bothers me you're dirty yeah he probably could literally he could have ripped her face off and fucking tore her to shreds and he it shows restraint yeah yeah well it shows that gorillas for some reason somehow have evolved to not kill they don't like to kill yeah it's very bizarre yeah there's something in their evolution that prevents them from murder they know how powerful they are yeah it's a really weird thing yeah and chimps don't have that like chimps murder they fucking hate anyone they eat each other sometimes yeah dominance no they have war chimps are filled with hate yeah they're literally filled with hate they're bad they're it's hard to be around they're violent they will kill you oh marcus i'm going to ruin your weekend right now um for the research i use this website called born free usa.org and uh specifically their exotic incidents database yeah yeah there's over 3 000 incidents listed and in case you you'd like to verify my zero death gorilla claim and have a fun afternoon scrolling through some of these hilarious incidents please do oh thank you born free free as the wind blows so with the exception of boquito the gorillas generally mind their own business that's not to say that there aren't some class clowns like praline the western lowland gorilla at the autobahn zoo in new orleans that's cute in 2017 she chucked a block of wood into a crowd of spectators and hit a pregnant woman in the head that's just good clean fun hey man you know how many times as kids we go we hit balls over fences and if i can hit people and shit that's fine that's just good old-fashioned one i mean if he's that accurate get him on a football team wow dude i just saw a really funny video where a guy was trying he was getting married and he was trying to pass the vape to his best man and he tosses the vape and it just clonks his old woman right in the head it's great that's what makes me think of but here is this even when they escape it's usually not violent like mike he was a 16 year old gorilla from the south carolina zoo who climbed a piece of bamboo got out of his enclosure and then he had a brief run-in with a food service worker pushed him down but otherwise just kind of hung out for a few minutes before just returning to his habitat yeah he's like ah it sucks out here just your average case of a teenager wanting some independence i'm running away from home huh sure you are mike now go back to your fucking room you're still grounded for vaping let the gorillas be there was even a fun gorilla incident over here at the la zoo evelyn the gorilla escaped her enclosure five times okay five separate times did she escape it's just bad design yeah usually It was bad design because they had put the gorillas in, like, a former bear enclosure. Oh, yeah. And then there wasn't until, like, five times she escaped. They're like, we need to build a proper enclosure for the gorillas. So now when you go, there has to be a top. Yeah. I just went. It was nice. Usually, so usually when she escaped, she climbed the bamboo. But once, this is great, she jumped on a gorilla friend, Jim. She jumped on his back and, like, then jumped out of the fucking enclosure and then just started walking around the zoo like she was a visitor. That's amazing. Yeah, just, like, just walking around being like, oh, wow, the butterfly area. Oh, this is nice. Like, oh, wow, I never see you over here. If you want to see, like, a really funny image, like a gorilla ambling with purpose is really fun. Yeah. Almost see the bat area. Well, they shut down the zoo and shot her with a tranq, so at least she got to get hammered. And. In the likely event that they do escaped and they are violent, guess who's there to save the day? Back in 2012 at the Buffalo Zoo, a silverback named Koga got out of his enclosure and bit a zookeeper on her hand and calf. The zookeeper then got away and then sought refuge by locking herself in another gorilla cage with a female gorilla named Sydney and her baby Omari. Sydney protected the keeper from Koga while Koga was walking around the zoo, keep doing his. And then, uh, he got blow darted and he just, you know, then he passed out and they put him in. You see, this is the thing. It really is interesting to see how many times they peacefully stop these, these incidents. Like, there's been so many of them that they actually didn't shoot the gorilla in the head. Yeah. And also, I got to say, just because I'm going on and on and on about how peaceful gorillas are, don't get near them or look at them in the eyes. No, no, no. Don't fucking try it. Don't fucking test the gorilla. Yeah. It's like rhinos are cute too, but don't fucking mess with it. A hippo will fucking kill you. God, I love hippos. We're not going to do this right now. Fly from your grave. So now that we know that gorillas are extremely unlikely to kill human beings, can we safely place the blame on the zoo employee who fatally shot Harambe? No, I don't think we can. I know everyone wants to find someone to blame, but this man or woman did what they had to do to kill that. Sorry. I know that everyone wants to find someone to blame. It's a man for certain. Who do you like to be? I think it's nice to cover your tracks, but I just don't see a female zookeeper shooting the gorilla in the head. I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm wrong. I know many, many, many women who would happily shoot a gorilla. I want to see this list. I want to see the list. Any compunction without any hesitation will take out their fucking 22. Who would just kill a fucking gorilla? They're all in Texas, my friend. Oh, that's. Yeah, you're right. One of the sweetest chicks I know, April. You know April? Yes. She, vegan, moved out to Hawaii, works for the Science Research Center all day long. She has to travel in the mountains, shoot cats in the head because they're killing everything. Fucking Christ, what a brutal life. All day long, just killing. Hats and pygmy goats. So, I know everyone wants to find someone to blame, but this man or woman, sorry, this man who did this had to do what they had to do to save that kid because he was in danger. And whether Harambe had malice in his big gorilla heart or not, he was putting that kid in danger by dragging him around in the water. So, blaming the shooter isn't the right move in my mind. They didn't know. They were scared. Yeah. And the kid did get a concussion. I do have a question. I don't know. Is every other story, they're taken down by tranq darts. Why does the Cincinnati Zoo, why did the zookeeper, why was there protocol to go for the rifle? Because the tranq darts don't work immediately. Yeah, I know it's not like cartoons. So, like, you could shoot him and then he's still got like 30, 40 seconds while he's all pissed off from getting shot with a tranq dart. Yeah. And in that time, he could just smash the gorilla, smash the little kid's head. Yeah, okay. Yeah, but they just don't do it. That's why they use the gun. And it was straight up a head shot. Yeah. Like, it was just fucking done. One shot, garambe dead. Yeah, he's been practicing that move called duty fucking for years. The other people, they blame the kid's mom, and I get it, but I'm not exactly sold on that either, to be honest with you. Sure. Other times, the parents are clearly the problem. Like, just last month in Pennsylvania, a couple was sentenced after an incident at the Hershey Park Zoo. They were both sitting on a bench, looking at their phones. While their 17-month-old son got away from them, walked or crawled over to the wolf exhibit, and managed to stick his little hand in there. And fortunately, the guy was only scratched, but it doesn't exonerate those parents at all. You know what I find interesting? Is that you never, in story, for some reason, it's never, kid stumbles into flamingo in camp. It's never like, that's not a story. Yeah, that's not a news story. It's never like, oh, it fell into where the sea otters are. It's always just like, and then away. Went straight for the wolf area. Oh, it's like, dude. So, I'm just researching zoo incidents, and zoo instances are so many, I'm not even going to bring up on the show. But there was one at the L.A. Zoo, where a bunch of coyotes broke into the zoo, and then fucking mauled the flamingos. I remember that. Oh, that's sad and cute. It's very sad, but it's crazy. But also, for the coyotes, it's a little bit of a coup, in a way. I kind of give it to them. It's weird how often, I brought it up when we did the Tatiana episode, how like, sometimes, like, at the San Francisco Zoo, like, a cougar, like, got in and killed some other animals. It's amazing how often animals break in the zoos to kill other animals. Of course, it's a restaurant. Yeah, dude. And those coyotes are out there just trying to get a fucking meal. It's Griffin Park. Imagine if we just had places that was just like, hamburgers, just like, laying out. And then, you know, like, people break in all night. I mean, it's called a restaurant. Yeah, over in my neighborhood, in Highland Park, it's just, I, coyotes are a part of my everyday life. Oh, dude, they're all over my neighborhood. neighborhood too and i like i hear them all day all morning oh yeah all the time they're everywhere we go hiking in our local little park and they're just there in the middle of the day couching everywhere your dogs are big enough that you don't have to worry about it my two dogs have shields that they wear like wendy's got a shield it's pretty fucking awesome yeah but back to these uh these people who just got in trouble in pennsylvania uh you know so if you've ever been to any zoo you know that the benches they're not particularly close to the animals and if you ever been around a 17 month old baby you would know they're not exactly usain bolt you know i haven't ran in decades but i'm confident i could smoke a baby in any foot race oh i'd like to see it side stories help you at gmail.com who has the balls to arrange it who's got an extra baby i could race yeah come on bring it out i'm laying on the ground i think i'm gonna need 10 of them to really test it you can't just test one baby but i and i will give the toddler some celsius as a way for them to kind of even the playing field you know you're right i'm not going to test it i'm not going to test it i'm not going to test it i did see a video just a couple of days ago the and the title of the video was watch how fast this toddler disappears yeah and it really like the kid looked like he was maybe two and the mom was trying to open the front door and this toddler just fucking zoomed out of the front like of the front yard opened the gate and was out oh yeah it's insane yeah that was me yeah i was a runner yeah as a little boy so for that kid to have got away in the time that he got away all the way from the bench to the wolf enclosure without the parents realizing it means they were likely just balls deep on tiktok or some shit and they weren't paying attention to fucking nothing i agree with that sentiment yeah that's not what happened um with the mom in the harambe case though she didn't plop down on a bench and leave her kid unattended she didn't pick her kid up and put him on the railing she was there right next to her son looking at the gorillas and then he was just gone this is something that every parent has been through and i'm not going to lie to you i'm not going to lie to you i'm not going to lie to you 99 of the time the kid is still close by and safe and you just freak out for a second i recently was at the cincinnati zoo which is the zoo i go to all the time with a bunch of my nieces and nephews and i was with them at the same gorilla enclosure and i gotta say sometimes those little fuckers they get away from you yeah you know you know especially when there's a bunch of them you're looking you're you're taking in the majesty of the gorilla you know you're not staring at your kid the whole time you're looking at the gorilla that's why you're supposed to have eight kids so you can lose like three of them exactly so i'm not going to lie to you i'm not going to lie to you so for michelle greg the mother at the cincinnati zoo she also had to live through the horror of thinking her child might die and then the ptsd of seeing a gorilla get shot and killed and when she was surrounded by horrified onlookers and honestly i think that fucking sucks for her i agree i do i think it's i think this whole thing sucks and the fact that they shot her on bay and the fact that it even happened is really horrific and i do it's it's a whole it's a true tragedy it is yeah so if i don't blame the mom and i don't blame the zookeeper who shot her on bay who do you blame you blame the kid of course not he's just a kid do i blame the gorilla of course not it's just a gorilla do i blame canada of course not it's a very dated reference to the south park movie and it's bizarre even brought it up it just kind of fits with the joke rhythm yeah the fact is there were likely a lot of different factors contributing to the events of may 28th 2016 everyone is aware of the final moments of harambe's life we all watch the video and i know it's pretty late in the episode for this but marcus i got some good news for you we got some context yeah gorilla contact yeah gorilla text when harambe was two years old and living at a zoo in Brownsville, Texas. Yeah, not a, I don't know. I've been to Brownsville. I didn't go to the zoo. No. I didn't even see a sign for the zoo. No. You know, so he suffered a terrible tragedy. His mother, Kayla, 11-month-old brother, Makoko, and two-year-old half-sister, Uzuri, were killed by a chlorine gas poisoning. Jesus Christ, were they fighting in World War I? It's uncertain if the poison leak caused any of the impairment to Harambe as well, because he was there. But at the very least, he was saddled with a terrible trauma at a very young age. So this whole thing, the death of Harambe, it's not like, it's just a, it's one gorilla's trauma? Yeah. It's just the trauma of a gorilla losing his family? He had, like, head injury shit, so he just doesn't know what's going on? He was fucking gassed. And also, Harambe's mom, Kayla, she did meet George W. Bush. Here's a picture. I got a picture. I'm assuming this is when George W. Bush was governor? Yeah, I imagine. Or that, or just Texas Rangers owner. I mean, it was, you know. You know, what's interesting, this is actually, this might even be the same year that I met George W. Bush. Yeah. It might be. Yeah, because I met him when he was campaigning for governor for the first time. I still have my signed baseball. I think it was 1998 or 97? That was the same, that was the year. Wow. Yeah, that was the same year. Yeah, Harambe hadn't even been conceived yet. She's still got a tight one. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I can see George W. Bush just being like, I like to meet all the young Texas women. Because W. does have a chimpish look. We all know this. In this position, too, he is definitely code switching. This is a true politician. We haven't seen this in a long time. This is a moron trying to get that ape's vote. He does not understand it. He can't vote. So, Harambe, he continued. Hey, girls, do you know Ann Richards is a lesbian? Do you know that? Come on. Do you know that? Do you know Ann Richards is a lesbian? Come on, you know that's funny. You know it's funny. You want to meet Ellen DeGeneres? I'm just joking. I'm not joking. Am I really? But no, I don't know. But I am and I'm not. Don't drink W. Bush. Don't drink a draft. I would know. And Kayla would go to vote Republican for the rest of her life. Down the ballot. Just like my mother. She hated me. She hated me. She hated me. She hated gore. Oh, wow. She hated gore. Only if she would have listened. She's trying to save you. Anyway. But this year, that same gorilla, she helped turn Texas blue. Congratulations to all my fellows out there in Texas. Yeah, good work. Now you just got to make weed legal again and then your lives will be better. Oh, my God. I don't know what they're doing. Whatever. Harambe, he had to keep living in that same Texas habitat where he experienced that tragedy for another dozen years. And then at the age of 15, he was transferred to Cincinnati to join a new social group and learn adult gorilla behavior because all of his people are dead. So he didn't really learn much down there in Brownsville. Oh, and he was just by himself the whole time? Apparently. I'm not positive. All right. All right. So one thing they never taught him in Cincinnati, though, because he was still kind of new, was how to respond when being approached by a toddler or like if there was an incident. There were two other female gorillas in the habitat that day. They were successfully signaled into the safe area by. Zoo staff. But Harambe stayed in a stressful situation, continued to escalate. See, like what happens is like in these even with alligators and stuff like that, they're just like rewarded so greatly for going back to their pen that they never even want to attack the thing. Usually that's the idea is that they are they are they have an incentive and most of them are fed. And so they already have all that. They don't want to go to the struggle of hunting if they don't have to. Yeah. And it's yeah. They've given a buffet if they do what they're told. So it's it's one of those things. But they hadn't got around to teaching that to Harambe yet. So. We teach this to senators how to deal with children and stuff like that. It really got to be a good thing to do. They should just remove all children from them. But in this situation, this is when the perfect worst case scenario soup started to boil. The crowd of people watching started screaming like all hell when the kid fell in the enclosure. Can't really blame them either. It's a natural human response. I probably would have done the same fucking thing, even though it's clearly what was scaring the shit out of Harambe. The lengthy encounter. Seemed to spiral out of control after that. At times, Harambe seemed like almost like a parental figure propping the boy up safely in front of him. Other times he pushed the boy down and then he dragged the boy through the water and which almost intensified the screams of the onlookers. He then adopted an aggressive pose. It was a natural response to the danger he felt. But unfortunately, it escalated the tension even further. Because it does sound like in this particular story, the the the moments that he had the kid, it seemed to be much longer than all of these other stories. Oh, everything else, it seems like everybody just kind of jumped on it and handled it. And this, it's like the kid fell in and was with Harambe for a little while. They really gave it some time to see how it was going to develop. They did not want to kill Harambe, which is like, but then it's like, if you're going to give it time, then you should have shot up with a fucking tranquilizer dart. But if you shoot it with a tranquilizer dart, like Ed said, it might get really agitated. Yeah, and they shoot it with five of them. You're right. I honestly don't think that's a horrible idea. Yeah. Or what about canisters? Do canisters of sleeping gas not exist like they have in Looney Tunes? I don't think so. I think that makes it really bad for the three year old. Yeah, yeah. So here's what happened that made the whole thing escalate into the worst. Harambe decided he wanted to carry the boy up a ladder, and then he started moving him away from the moat onto dry land. Zoo officials then made the decision to shoot him. The tragic standoff ended after about ten minutes. Harambe may have been attempting to protect the child from what he perceived to be the threat of the screaming crowd. But the gunman decided he had to protect the child from what he knew to be a threat, a highly agitated 400 pound silverback gorilla. Take the shot. Take the shot. Shoot her. So ultimately, I don't blame anyone. It's a true tragedy, and I feel bad for all parties involved. Oh, and just a sidebar. I checked the exotic internet. I went to the incident's database to find other cases at the Cincinnati Zoo, and they have a pretty solid track record. The Cincinnati Zoo was also recently voted the number one zoo in America, but I'll tell you who didn't vote. The fucking gorillas. Yeah, dude, because they'd be like, "Oh, one more time." There was one incident at the Cincinnati Zoo in 2024 where an employee overseeding feeding time got part of his thumb bitten off by a bonobo. Oh. He was probably wearing yellow gloves or some shit. I don't know. And that all reminded me. This was kind of fun. I was at the San Diego Zoo recently with Julie when we were on our break, and we were over at the bonobo enclosure there, and there was this bonobo fully splayed out, getting bonobo cunnilingus'd onto it, and there was a zoo employee standing in front trying to block us, just giving us bonobo facts, but we're all just looking through her at the bonobo, just fucking laying there, get its fucking pussy eating out in front of us, and we were just like, "Oh, we see it. We all know what's going on. We know what's happening." The bonobo's fucking getting it and getting it and having a fucking great time. Do you think if it's eating its pussy that they're lesbians? I'm guessing the top pussy-eater was a man. Wow. But I'm guessing. I didn't see its package. Men do better. That's right. By the way, that experience is not listed in the exotic incidents database. That one lives right up here. It's truly the most exotic incident we've heard. I found two exotic incidents at my childhood zoo. No way. What do you got? OK. Real short, one of them in 2007, Tansy, a 49-year-old African elephant. Oh, my God, I know this elephant. Oh, I remember. I know Tansy. Oh, they'd been receiving treatment. New Tansy? They'd been given Xanax a lot because it was really stressed. That's a lot of Xanax. Yeah, it's a lot of Xanax. There's a lot to make me fucking feel better. Yeah, you need a big pill. Yeah, you could feed Tansy. And the other one was a jaguar escaped from its enclosure and attacked it. It attacked a spider monkey in 2017. The jaguar was darted by the veterinarian and secured back in the exhibit. Oh, that's nice. Spider monkey had to be euthanized. Yeah, it's probably, I imagine. Yeah, it probably took a bite from a jaguar. Yeah, a big bite. Spider monkeys aren't that big. Yeah, other than that, pretty solid zoo. Yeah, but now it's happened in 2016. Harambe's been gone for a decade. His legacy lives on in several different ways. For starters, his body is literally still around. Adrian Zilman. Adrian Zilman of the University of California, Santa Cruz, professor of physical anthropology and gorilla expert. That's her full title. Wow. She said that under normal circumstances, gorillas are cremated and their bones are donated to museums and universities. However, because Harambe was still so young and healthy, they were able to use his body for science. So that's nice. Professor Zilman went on to say that because of his age, Harambe was, quote, "such a valuable animal." He was obviously so beautiful and in prime condition. He was at the prime of his life. There's nothing like getting access to the young, tight, still growing gorilla body. It's a weird way to hear someone talk about a dead gorilla the way most people talk about a '65 Ford Mustang, but I'm sure that it makes sense in her world. Blue. Cobalt blue. So in addition to having his body preserved for science, Harambe also had his sperm extracted. As we mentioned before, someone jerked off dead Harambe. Like really quickly. too like within minutes so as we mentioned earlier gorillas are an endangered species and just because an ape isn't around to bang anymore doesn't mean that they won't try to get some kids out of them you know as of 2023 they still hadn't posthumanously created uh any little harambe's the sperm is preserved in liquid nitrogen and they're just saving it for a rainy day uh in something they call a frozen zoo that's real i didn't make that up in the event that the gorilla population drops below a certain number someone will smash the emergency glass and grab some harambe jizz to save the population oh i don't know what you got going on with them popsicles going on in them fridge over there but i was going through tucking through some of my god say them awful salty yeah these popsicles these popsicles i'm gonna work i did some of the single worst popsicle i've ever had what's supposed to be is this one to go floor cleaners what's going on i can't let it go you said posthumously uh incorrectly as well posthumously posthumously posthumously great this pop this popsicle tastes like gorilla cum these posthumous actually posthumous that does sound like a good gorilla cum posthumous brand i had a posthumous brand harambe cum popsicle i gotta say i'm dissatisfied but i do love the little jokes on the business posthumous popsicles it's going great the other legacy that harambe left behind was on pop culture although his passing was an absolute tragedy it did give us some fantastic memes t-shirts and bumper stickers it was a shared cultural experience that the world collectively bonded over over back when that was still a thing that we did this gorilla represented the best humanity had to offer and he had our unwavering admiration and all of this says nothing about the dicks out for harambe era which was less a collection of goofy tweets and sketches and songs and more of a global movement i feel like our generation i mean we've suffered from quite a bit between 9-11 and the 2008 recession but i do think the things that we brought to the table as a generation is a pretty wonderful and i do think that dicks out for harambe is one of those cultural touchstones that as millennials we are that's a part of our story it was a special protest yeah a couple nights ago me and uh carolina were having this conversation about millennials and i uh i came to the conclusion about our generation i'm not impressed we're not no we're not impressed we haven't really done we haven't really done much haven't really done much anything there's like two good millennials it's like mum donnie yeah and i want to say seth rogan's doing really well and you know what you know nathan fielder yeah yeah nathan fielder yeah great great millennial so i was so curious about the dicks out for harambe thing because i honestly thought we invented it on roundtables like and that was like where my that's where my beer rattle brain went to oh yeah and so but so here's here's where it all comes from it started out innocent uh with a photo of a young man on the street and he was like holding a gun at the camera with the words dicks out for harambe written as the captain that went viral then a comedian named brandon wardell got danny trejo to say dicks out for harambe in a viral vine and then the rest was history incredible i feel so bad when brandon was 17 he came to the creek where i was running sound at the time he was 17 he was doing a montreal showcase and he asked me advice on if he should do a certain joke and i told him yes and it was the only joke i could think of and he was like yeah i'm gonna do it and i'm gonna do it and i'm he did the bomb and i felt so i felt so bad i was like man i'm sorry there you go back to obscurity are you still doing shit actually yeah yeah he's doing great he's doing fantastic yeah so but in a short period where the dicks out movement dominated the culture some other art took inspiration perhaps the best example is the erotic fan fiction book dicks out for harambe by richard which is unfortunately no longer available on amazon or goodreads despite a solid 3.5 star rating even those uh who rated it poorly seem more confused than anything with a one-star reviewer named stacy saying i'm not sure what to say about this it's definitely different than anything i usually read yeah you see the book was uh described by another reviewer as quote quite literally gorilla porn you she seemed disappointed by this but i am intrigued and miss if you're listening to this podcast i will pay good money for your copy of dicks out for harambe it was my goal to have henry read an excerpt of gorilla porn uh on this podcast and i need the book to make it happen we'll do it on side stories if i someone give me the copy of this book is it not two people made horny for harambe or are they fucking harambe or i'm pretty sure harambe is gay and harambe is like fucking all over the zoo dicks out for harambe yeah i guess yeah but i don't know for sure because i've never had the chance to read it side stories lpotl and gmail.com i'm willing to bet harambe chokes a couple of wieners oh i hope so yeah or at least peels one so obviously i too am inspired by harambe and if this table wasn't here netflix would really be regretting their decision to put podcasts on this network oh because you're hard because my dick's out yeah that's right and she's been inspired by harambe and she's been inspired by harambe and she's sure this episode is a fine tribute but i personally feel like harambe deserves something more so i searched spotify for a harambe tribute song and sure young thug gives it a best shot he could but i felt our boy harambe deserves something classy something real nice and then i remembered how many tunes i got a bunch of cool friends so i commissioned my buddy logan metz of promise of the real fame to write and perform a tribute song for harambe now i would like to ask everyone watching or listening at home to please rise for the official harambe anthem if you're listening in the car please pull over get out and stand at attention if you see someone else standing near the car they're probably listening to this too feel free to show them your penis or something i'm sure they would love it and now without further ado we are all harambe by logan metz somewhere within us all baby deep inside a western lowland gorilla resides a big black silverback gorilla resides take a trip out just the family and you to the cincinnati singing hey though life goes on it all seems wrong since you went away i pray at the end of my days we'll meet once more so dicks out for harambe wow all they thought is said it was the only way but that's what the authorities always say that's what the authorities always say oh i'm so young god i'm seventeen and just one day lord i miss harambe so i say hey harambe this tired old life this toil and strife since you went away i pray at the end of my days we'll meet once more dicks out for harambe singing hey come play harambe think of the kids your work is done now we'll live as one someday please stay harambe forever more dicks out for harambe dicks and balls cause we are all harambe we are all harambe wow did you ask him to make it sound like an outtake from stage fright literally i was just about i was like this is like all of our favorite songs it's like the band i love the vibe i mean he's incredible he went on tour with neil young that was that was god damn logan thank you so much holy shit he's gonna release that right well i mean that's you know it's with us you know i mean you have a record label we do we do we do indeed all right we do wow Eddie, great fucking work, buddy. Yes, thank you. Really good work. Thank you, Logan. Thank you, Pat. You guys are the best. At LoganMetsOfficial on Instagram. Check out his new single, Sunrise, and Overrated, available to stream everywhere. Come see Logan, me, and Henry live on the road on December 11th in Iowa City at the Engler Civic Center. He'll also be there at Columbia, but that show's sold out. And then Henry's heading home, and then Logan and I are going to go over to St. Louis on December 13th to play the Helium. It's going to be a lot of fun. And thank you to the great Pat Barker for writing this journey with me. Come see Pat, Henry, and I at the Pasadena Ice House on December 3rd for Ed Larson and Friends. Tickets are available for all of my shows at eddytoons.com. Well, this was a lot of fun. Thank you so much. So good, dude. Patreon.com slash last podcast on the left. Go and see and listen to us ad-free. You can also listen. You can see movie stories. You can see us on Netflix. That's where our video episodes are. You can also see Last Dream on the left live every Tuesday, 5 p.m. PST. Also, LP on the left for all of our social media needs. And then go to our new YouTube channels, LPN TV. Currently, we are shooting a brand-new season of Bloodbath. Can't wait for you to see it. And go look at Brighter Side LPN. No Dog from Space has got videos up there. Someplace Under Eats has got videos up there. LPN Romance is doing new stuff. The Foreign Report. Go check out all the work we're doing here. And it'll be it. Also, check out my interview I just did with Ethan Hawke and Robert Cargill. It was a lot of fun. See Robert Cargill's great. See Robert Cargill. Yeah, no. He goes by just Cargill. I didn't know that. I didn't know that either. Yeah, great guy. Great guy. Great guy. Yeah, that was wonderful. And I also want to say congratulations to somebody. I want to say congratulations to the new representative for California's 34th Congressional District, Angela Gonzalez. That's your friend, right? Yeah. So cool. Yeah, she's 31. And she ran against an incumbent, this shithead named Jimmy Gomez. She decided that she wanted to get involved in the politics. She decided that she wanted to make a fucking difference. She did it. And yes, and fucking this week, she is officially elected to office. That's awesome. So I want everybody to know that it can happen. You can do it. And in almost a landslide, I couldn't be more proud. And I'm very, very happy for Angela. So congratulations. So fucking cool. Congratulations, representative. Yeah. Representative-elect, Angela Gonzalez-Torres. God, that's so fucking cool. You know a representative? Yeah, I know a representative now. That's really cool, dude. You got to bring her out to dinner or something. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Definitely. It's one thing I know about politicians. They love dinner. They do love dinner. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, this was great. I had a lot of fun doing this episode. It is. We are going to do another episode about gorillas next week. It's going to get a lot darker. I'm going to be covering the Virunga Forest in the Congo and poaching. So it's going to get more intense, but I'm going to do my best to keep it light. All right. That's a good idea, as much as you can. But also, Northern, right after that, we're heading to our next head in the Mount Rushmore of Evil. Yeah, we are. Cannot wait. We are getting there, man. Well, hail sweet Satan. Good work, Eddie. Thank you. Again, loved it. Dicks out for Harambe. Indeed. My penis is out. So nice. Mine's tucked in safely. It's nice and warm. We are all Harambe. We are all Harambe. Thank you.