Episode 5: The Teenage Years part I

[Music] Hi, we're back here, Zyvonne. Hi, Jennifer here. And we kind of wanted to start off this episode going into our teenage years, but before we get into that, we were just talking a little bit about Jennifer's inner child. And, um, yeah, how she makes herself notice. So I thought it would be good to kind of go over that and get into that a little bit more. Already, already started crying. Yeah, 'cause you never already got the crying done, so. I thought it'd done, but I started talking to somebody. I think if I start talking to somebody again, I'll come because it's um, I don't know, um, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what for me was interesting is that you said, um, that um, you sometimes have to, um, you have times where you like need to make time for your inner child, or she'll make herself known, I guess, or like, you know, say, hey, I'm here, I need attention, you know, and like, kind of just elaborate. A little bit on that, you know. Um, that used to happen a lot, of course, when I started working with my inner child. Um, I haven't, I haven't, um, sorry. Um, she hasn't, it's, broken up in a while. And it's probably just because of all the other stuff that I work on myself, my, my manifestation, affirmations, just being, and, and, and, and. Peace with who I am, where I am today, you know. Um, but, I don't know, just imagine like, you know, when you have a little kid before you, and then kicking your shins. I mean, it's not like that, you're not kicking my shins, but it's just, you know. Yeah, I'm talking on your jacket. Yeah. Like, um, you're, you're, I need the attention right now, I, I mean, we need to, we still need to work on some stuff, you know what I mean? Right. And, um, I was also seeing, sometimes it's not bad to just do, um, so what's like going into a meditation? Because that's where I went with my, my, my mental, my mental coach. Right. Um, we, we, um, we're going to go as state of, uh, meditation. Um, there was a whole, I want to say kind of ceremony before we started, um, you know, the session. She would, um, bless. That's what you want to call it and call from this side, this side, although she, it was a whole, it was a whole process. Um, um, so, um, you know, I just go into a meditation state and I, like I, you know, the tattoo what I have where we were, I think I've set that before where we went. It's just like a big field of yellow flowers. Right. And there's a big, you know, a swing, like a wooden swing with the ropes. And, um, the sun is always shining. The sun. Right. So, um, so the, you know, the tears are going to come. And the, one of the first things that I did or what's needed to do was take her in my arms. And give her that what I didn't get from my mom at that time. The things happened to me. Right. And, um, so when I, when I, when she did make herself known and I would go, do that. And I would go into this, you know, this was, you know, for me, for us as our safe space. And go there and just take her and my arms and tell her everything's okay. Right. So you give her. And I'm still here. I still love you and you're not to worry. I'm here for you now. And, um, you give her the protection she needed then. You give her the protection now. And, um, then we would just sit on the swing and swing. Mm-hmm. Because, and I, you know, held her, held her, you know, in my arm and we would swing. Right. And, um, I just stayed there for as long as I felt she needed. And then I would say, okay, I have to go now. And, um, I would give her a big hug and tell her that I'll be back again. Like, no, it's not like the last time or anything, you know, that worry I'll be back again when you, you know, when you need me, I'll be back again. Right. But, you know, actor just talking about this right now. I thought, you know, sometimes I might be good just to go there, you know, just anytime and be like, I am you. Right. Right. And, um, now I'm thinking about that. I'm probably going to do that today or tomorrow. Go for a second. I, I, one of the reasons that I found it so interesting is, um, because I told you when I first started, um, down my path of healing, um, it was actually my husband who kind of more or less forced me into it, because I was always very against, uh, talking about anything that happened and trying to deal with it. Um, and so, um, I don't, cause I, I've never worked with my inner child and, um, I don't even know if I have one, but, um, I do have, I told you that I do have these moments when I'm triggered and I will tell my husband, my box is open. Um, and so if, um, if, um, if my, um, box is not open at that time or at, you know, at, at any time, then that means that, I'm good, I'm good with myself, I'm, I'm good with my surroundings. Um, I don't feel the need to, um, um, try to deal with, with anything, if you will, you know, um, so, so you were letting him know, like, right now, is a great time. Like, you can come, I can talk about it, cause I'm open to it right now. Right. Or, no, if the box was open, it was, uh, it was my signal, leave me alone. Oh, something triggered me and it's all come up again and I'm, you know, reliving everything all over again and I, I don't want to deal with it. Um, it's not that I didn't deal with it. It's just that, um, I didn't want to, be what's the word I'm looking for. Cause I would, I would deal with it on my own in my own way, but I didn't want to be, I don't know, I want to be left alone, you know, I didn't want like, you know, I was in my note, like, no touchy. Yeah, exactly. I was like, you know, touchy again, you know, okay. So you were, you were telling, you were letting him know that the box is open and that he should give you some space. Exactly. Okay. I was trying to figure that out. I mean, the box is open, like, let's talk or, yeah, the box is open. The box is closed and everything is good and we can talk about everything. Okay. You know, even what happened then, but if the box is open and he knows that if I say the box is open, then he knows to give me some space. Um, and the box has not been open for a long time. Um, he even mentioned that, um, not too long. That's been a couple of weeks ago. And he even said, um, you haven't mentioned for a long time that the box has been open. How, and he'll ask, how are you doing? Are you okay? Or since we started, you know, talking more and more about it and with the podcast and he asks, how am I doing with that? You know, is it, is it okay? Is it okay for you? Or, you know, is it, you know, kind of making you a little bit crazy? And I'm like, no, it's actually okay. But I think it's because we both know how it felt. We both know what happened. We both know how we felt afterwards. Um, so I think it's easier to talk about something like this with someone that's been through it. Um, definitely. Yeah. Because I'm going to have to go into details. Um, and it's not that I think anyone wants details, but it's hard to understand without the details. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Like, um, some people think, you know, um, I mean, sexual abuse is anything from, you know, from, from A to Z, you know, and which one was it in between, you know. Um, and I think trying, having to discuss the specific details of somebody understands what happened to you is very hard. Um, and I don't think it's something that any of us that have been affected by this, whether a man or a woman want to talk about. I get triggered sometimes when I see videos on TikTok. I don't know if I was a trend or what was going on, but, um, like, they would be like this picture of the sort of girl and I can't remember how the trend went like they don't know I know ball whatever I can't remember But then they would put on this picture also like text like of what their abusers said to them Which would be like to you, you know don't tell anybody We get in trouble It won't it won't last that long it won't hurt It's you know the things that they would tell them right and I couldn't I could I'm glad I the first I didn't see that at all the first couple times I was like okay, but like is it kept coming? That's just kept popping up on my for you page and now it's like no, I can't like I would So as soon as I kept swiping more and more and I don't know if the trends gone or what's going on But like I haven't seen anything in a while I'm like like there are things that do trigger me and I'm like no, I can't I can't because like Like you said if who wants detail like yeah, why why why would you want to be I'm sexually abused what more do you need to Why would you want to know like specifically what happened to me? Like what what you would you know, no, I don't even want to say it because it's nasty and you like Yeah, no like I Think it's it's hard enough for Those of us that are victims of sexual abuse Because it's not anything that will ever forget You know and then having to Retail or recall exactly what happened. It just makes it that much worse for us. I mean, I know from the episode where I had talked about what happened to me Yeah, like it's just like every time you talk and every time you say something Right it brings it up again Right and yeah, you really live that feeling you really that whatever it is you felt in this moment and yeah, it's it's I don't know like I said I felt nasty and and and and like And what's the word I'm looking for in English not English, but you know like I just felt Dirt not I don't know dirty. I can't even think of a word. I just didn't Yeah, I didn't I don't know. Yeah, I don't like it. Right so um So I'm sorry. I'm actually getting over a head cold and I Don't know if you can hear it in my my as I'm talking, but of course I just you know cried so Got the got the nose situation going on right now so Is there any other questions you had about the inner child? No, I think I think that was it Yeah, so let's see the last time where we left off. I'm where well That episode hasn't aired it would be on the Sunday so button The last time where we left up is was me as a weird talking about our childhood Like you know what I could kind of you know like things like we had our epiphanies. I know I would dead just popped into my head like me too though about like Sneaking into my parents room and sleeping on the floor and like I was like what the fuck like that just like Both happy to pick me this is crazy. Yeah, like just memories coming back so We want to get into maybe like our teen years My teen years were crazy. Yeah so I guess I'll go first this time Talk about like so and I'm trying to figure out just I need you know remember where where I left off in the last episode We were living in Texas and we lived there for I want to say like three and a half four years Okay, and then we moved to California. Mm-hmm. Um Then I started the fifth grade. Mm-hmm I must have started the fifth grade and I do remember being in the fifth grade being in the private school Okay, that was a Catholic private school. Mm-hmm. If I'm if I'm Yep, I think it was because you know on the state you have the grade school from one to five in middle school from six to eight And then I school from nine to twelve years The grades I mean not years, but great the grades that's you know and Let's see. I don't know there's about like nothing really When did that start for me though? Well, I want to say it started for me My teen years where I got rebellious Mm-hmm to say like fifth grade was like I want to say chill six seventh eighth grade There's about the ninth grade And I want to know if I want to say I started like with the wrong crowd But that's not it either because I remember having the spring her name was Andrea Andrea Andrea She introduced me to She introduced me to who was then my Best friend her name was Jennifer. Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, you told about it that you don't know how to That best friend name Jennifer. I thought that was really you thought that was a Victor coolest thing Jennifer Rocha I can't remember like something. I wish it could you know like when you see like now when When Facebook started and then Instagram or you can start finding people right and If her name would even be the same she got married right, yeah, so Um, I guess that's where it kind of started with me where must I got rebellious rebellious I can't even talk anymore and Went down the wrong path I guess like Yeah, pretty bad, you know, and I don't know if that has anything to do with what happened to me I you know, I don't know so the wrong path being what sex drugs in Ruffinville Drugs, okay sex. I mean that was like you said when you're there, you know, you go down to either go, you know You're in the promiscuous or you're a celibate celibate That's what she said If that what is that what you call promiscuit? No, I can't even talk about this thing. I mean promiscuous there's I think different definitions of it too because I mean if you were to ask our mothers Any sex outside the marriage was yeah, okay, yeah, right? Yeah, so um, and then I think Because I know like all my friends when we were in high school Everybody that I knew Was either having sex or had had sex, but that was like in our high school years like before we graduated You know what I mean? It wasn't like in junior high or you know Um, so I think the word permiscu you have to define like how you mean permiscuous because I think there's it's You know what I mean like when someone says oh, that's not hard. Well, it's relatively maybe hard for you But it's not hard for me, you know the mean so I think with promiscuity if that's even a word It sounds good. It sounds good, right? Um, I think it's the same. I think there's different levels and like what's what's I mean like I'm sure what to me would be Permiscuous in the stage would not to the Pope be promiscuous, you know the Pope would probably be like oh my god You know you're going to hell and I'm like Yeah, I already go in there Yeah, I don't think that's that bad, you know, I mean, you know, she getting money for it. No, so it's all right You know, well, I guess then I wouldn't say that I was not really just normal. I think I don't know if I'm not from I think But more okay, so we moved to as moved to California I was there until the like the ninth grade. I think I moved at the end The ninth grade the ninth when we move back to Texas because we did it we moved to Iowa we moved back to Iowa mm-hmm and I Had actually started in California already Did I have to start the ninth grade again when we moved back to Iowa? I think I To start to do the ninth grade again, and I don't remember why if I'm Look at is that true. I don't know anyways It may have been because didn't you go to a Catholic school in the ninth grade? Yes, right? So it may have been because they're kind of funny anyways and You know that you may have had to start the ninth grade over So I had like I said I met a skirt Jennifer when she was my best friend right and then I ended up So I don't know in California you the the school wasn't in it was an outside school so Between class as you walked out of the classroom and then you were outside you weren't in it okay, so In Southern California, there's a song that says it never rains in Southern California Right, like you're very really was the weather shitty where you you know So you walk out of your classroom and you would be out. side and then just probably like it is for every generation to come you have your section of people you have the jocks and then you have the skaters and then you have like cheerleaders. The hats so I have like a S for the Mexican hangout and that's where the jocks hangout, skaters, all the popular people and I just remember there were like five of us like girls by five of us and we didn't really say we didn't feel like there was a click that we belonged to like we were like over jocks so we basically like how breakfast club? No, not the breakfast club but kind of yeah but we're just like five of us so then like sometimes we would then disperse and if I'm gonna tell you I was friends with practically almost everybody and I'm not lying like I would go and cheerleaders say hi to some people who I knew were the jocks you know they've got the athletes you know they do right and then my brother was a skater so I knew a lot of his friends so I'd go over there and be like hey you know and this was during recess you know lunch and recess I also had a really good friend her name was Rose and she was Mexican we were really good friends we lived in the same apartment complex and I don't even know why but like it was just like the I have actually I have to show you my pictures so I have pictures of the school from the middle school but like also the high school probably not always on video school but anyway I think I ended oh the mental heads that was the other group the mental heads so the gothic you called them now today I'm sure they sure the goss but anyways I ended up being friends with the scrolling van to this day if I saw this guy I would fucking punch him in her face okay okay like I don't know it's a story like because like so this is before I moved but anyway that's a story for a different time and I don't even know if it was because of her I think it was I really don't remember you know how you don't remember how you just kind of got on that path but you did right and then I know I remember having the huge crush on this guy named Brett the huge crush and he really liked like metal like the tellica so that was a gal like metallic too which wasn't the end like I like Metallica then you know when you started listening to the music I was like oh actually they're not bad at all right um but I think when I was 15 and that's when it started and I um started well first I started smoking cigarettes but you know because that was the cool thing to do yeah yeah yeah if you know if you don't smoke cigarettes yeah and um and um then I just started smoking pot that's where it started I don't think it was because this guy Brett I remember his name Brett hand long hair like gorgeous I was like so another disguise and I did huge crush on this kid um and um started smoking started smoking pot and did I start doing speed when I wasn't in the california I'm not I just really honestly don't remember I know no that's happened when we moved back to Iowa so um but I will tell you a story about my father um so I started you know going down the wrong path I would run away from home okay I actually ran away from like ran away from home um when my grandparents came to visit one time because my parents were like yeah you probably wouldn't do that when the hearing was like one of bet okay I was out like I was so rebellious in my teenage years and I and I don't know what that I don't I don't know if that had anything to do with what happened to me uh and just I think it was also like my family and my parents my parents put on a pretty picture but in the behind the scenes and it wasn't like that you know right and I think a lot of parents did that that that was I think a lot of parents did that yeah I mean I think it still happens today but back in the day that was like mobile people think exactly what I know is gonna say and I know I remember my mom telling me later in in my life that the one of the reasons why she saved with my father was for so long was because she didn't know what her parents would think when she got divorced from my father and I was like yeah I'm not gonna be like that like like a like staying you know relationship with somebody or staying married for somebody because of what your parents might think right you know that's a generation yeah yeah yeah so um but my dad my dad is my dad my dad my dad um may rest in peace I want to say you know the way to rest the soul but you know may rest in peace um you know in America you get you know if you have uh can see I know you get to a gun owner whatever right um so my dad did own guns he had a couple rifles and a couple handguns I do remember this is also another story I can tell you so many as a so many stories girls so many stories but um so the story yet now um is you know going on the wrong path I ended up not being friend with my friend Jennifer newmore she's like I don't want to be your friend anymore you know you used to be I can't be your friend anymore and I mean looking back on it now I understand why you know right then I was like you know fucking bitch why you want to be my friend like what's your fucking problem but you know I was also like you know not in the was it I wasn't who I used to be a change you know yeah drugs do that to you of course you know you know being around the wrong people the wrong crowd yeah of course so to speak but um so I have been running away from home down the wrong path doing drugs and um running away from home and um my father he was fed up with it and he woke up one day and he decided he wanted to go to my school to my high school because he wanted to talk to the principal he wanted he just I'm uh and of course if I could have a camera and that conversation between my mom and dad like what happened to where my mom honestly thought my dad was gonna go to the school and shoot up the school okay um so girls probably be one of the most and it was just an embarrassing moment too but so like he got in his car and dropped to the school and the way my father told it was like he was just he was not in a bad mood he wasn't hyped up or anything he just wanted to go to school and have a conversation with the principal or whoever he could at the school to figure out and find out of we could if we could figure out our find out who was giving me drugs who were selling me drugs or I really don't know like I don't know his actual goal was to you know go to the school right but he didn't have a gun on him he wasn't crazed he wasn't drunk I don't know I have no idea because he was an alcoholic so you know he had been drinking um and he came to the school and girl to me if you were telling you you know when they have the school and they go in the announcement and they said everybody get into the classrooms now and lock the doors there's crazed man outside and everybody was like what the fuck so everybody went in their classroom as we were all just like what you know what's going on and it never happened but never happened before and you're in the you know wherever your first period class is because this was in the morning or was it the next period was after recess I don't remember all I know what they're saying go getting to your next class whatever going to a classroom and getting there locked the door of crazed man outside whatever sirens and everything so then they announced yeah I carry everything school everything you know we got the man everything safe you can come out of the classroom and so of course everybody goes up to the front of the school because that's where all the commotion's going on right who did they have putting in the back of my if their please card my dad really it was my dad my mom called the police and told the police that my mom was going to the school with the gun yeah like and I was like that's what I would really like to know what was the conversation that my mom thought my dad was going to go like the gun to the school and shoot somebody at school right because they were selling me drugs right and that's my mom's version then you have my dad's version right right I don't know I wasn't there fucking no clue what happened um I had a neighbor who I had also like I thought he was the cutest thing right um his name was Jesse and um who were you Jesse's girl so great that would be cool oh sorry Jesse's girl yeah so um he's like dude isn't that your dad no and there's people all around and I looked at him and I was like you just fuck like what you know what I'm like no that's not my dad he's like are you sure it looks like your dad really not doing everything and I was like no that's not my dad and I just was like set on that's not my dad like I'm gonna go with this lie and I'm sticking to it that's my story and I'm sticking to it like it's not my dad right and then like totally being embarrassed you know but nobody ever really I don't because no I don't even get there with any rumors going around that was my dad. Like, if he was just like, "Is he not your dad?" I don't know, like, "No, that's not my dad, but it was." Like, that's the story. Like, that's a story from my team. - Wow, that's crazy. - From my teenage years. Yeah, so I do remember my parents being like, "You need to go out to a therapist." - And I freaking refuse. Do I know remember one time that's one of the reasons why. One of the reasons why I ran away one time is because they were making me go to the therapist. - Ah, okay. - And I was like, "No, not with me, I'm out." - And I fucking ran away. But, you know, had to go to the therapist anyway. - Right. - And I think I remember saying, "Well, I'm not gonna talk to them. I'm not gonna say anything, but, you know, therapists know what's going on." So I did end up talking to them, like, what we talked about, I don't remember. Honestly, don't remember the few sessions I had with them. So my mom or my parents, and I don't know if this has anything to do with me either, had thought it would be a good idea to move back to Iowa because-- - Okay, 'cause they're still drugs in Iowa. (laughs) - There's probably more drugs in Iowa. I was able to get a hold of more drugs in Iowa than I did in California, but I mean, drugs are everywhere, but-- - Of course. - If there wasn't anything to do in California, because it's California, but when you go, move back some whole dumb town in Iowa, - Right. - That's like wrong, we're known for meth heads in Suicide Iowa. If anybody is listening to this ever from my friends from Suicide Iowa, I mean, now it's like, you know, there's some memes on fucking Facebook talking about meth heads from Suicide Iowa. - I'm not like shooting you, I mean, like-- - Okay. - If there's not anything to do but have sex in two drugs, 'cause there's nothing else to do in these small towns. - Right. - But yeah, so that was like, I mean, one of the other reasons was my mom, she wanted to move back home. She wanted to move to her family. - Right. - She was happy. Like I said, we moved, I think I told you that, we moved around a lot because my father was a sheet metal worker. He was in a union, so they couldn't buy her him, but he, you know, after we moved from Iowa to Texas, because he got the reputation, 'cause he said, "I'm hot." I mean, he's finished in a six-backed before he can get to work, you know? - Right. - This is what I'll call it, too. - Yeah. - And then, we moved from Iowa to Texas, and then, you know, we got the reputation in Texas, so we moved to California, and then, you know, going, like, and of course, you know, you go there, you start a job, everything's chill, you know, then, after a while. I mean, this is shit I found out way back before, like, way later in life. - Okay. - Like, when I came into Thalder, when I became an adult, or when I became a mom, a parent, like, my grandma would tell me some stories. Like, does this stuff I learned way after the fact? So, like, I didn't know the ship going on when I was, and then I'd grade, I didn't know that my dad, honestly, I didn't know my dad was an alcoholic, and so, - Okay. - That's interesting that you never knew that. My dad was always the fun guy, he was funny, but, you know, if you, if you, but he could also turn on an instant, fucking punch a TV, like, he did one time because his team lost. So, - Okay. - You know, yeah, I'd punch the TV, and made a hole in the wall. Like, my dad had, you know, his, those were the two sides. - Okay. - But most of the time, he was a-- - Was he a Gemini? - No, my dad's a Pisces. - Ah, okay. - His birthday's coming out, but the team-- - It would have been a funny coincidence. - No, I mean, you know. - No, no, he's a Pisces. So, yeah, like, I, I honestly didn't know that he was, until we moved back to Iowa, then I kind of, like, what would it, when I, when I, when I, when I, when I, - Not even, 'cause you said your parents divorced, and you stayed with your dad, right? - No, they were still together. - My parents divorced. So, when my parents divorced, they waited, my, in my younger sisters, four years younger than me. So, they were like, yeah, when she was 18. - Ah, okay. - But we're now getting divorced. I'm like, you could have guys gotten divorced long time ago. That's what you were waiting for. My sister turned 18. - Right. - Yo, adults, now we're getting divorced. After, it doesn't even make sense, but that's what they thought that was gonna be the best thing. - Right. - So, no, my dad was working in Minnesota and coming home on the weekends. - Ah, okay. - And that's why, 'cause that's another thing, you know? You couldn't find any work in where we were living in Iowa. So, he found work in Minnesota. And, and, yeah, and so, he had offered, so, one of the reasons why I moved out there is because I wanted to do go to culinary school. - Okay. - And there was a good one in Minnesota, I mean, it was like maybe a 20 or 30 minute drive from where he was living in and the town he was living in. And, yeah, so, so you lived with him for a while while you went to school? - I, no, I didn't go to, I did it. So, okay, I didn't pan out. - No, because I met my ex-husband in Moot, to me. - Ah, okay. - So, I was 24. At the time when I met my ex-husband. And, yeah, that was the, the, being applying to the school and everything. And, yeah, then not going because I didn't live. I didn't even live in America. I'm not just saying I didn't even live there anymore. I didn't even live in America anymore. - Right, right, right. - Yeah, you get it. - But, yeah. I mean, maybe you could see about my, but I mean, I don't think like, you want to talk, I don't feel like I want to, people, I don't know, I love my dad, you know, but you know, as your people do get like a bad, bad, image of my father and something like that. But, so my father, because he worked on roofs, he was a sheet metal worker. Though, he worked with metal sheet metal worker. Like a lot of roofs, but he would be on an off-letters. - Right. - I mean, I know that this was before, I mean, I'm like, when my parents got to, can I have a picture of my dad and my mom, when they first got together, and I'm like a can of blood wiser, I mean, not just, I mean, when I would think about memories back, and like, there was always beer and cans of blood wiser around the house, and like, little sips of it, or something about the night, whatever. My dad, so we got really bad from my dad, though, he ended up, well, he fell off a six-foot ladder. - Oh, so well, he fell six-foot from a ladder. - And then he ended up like on his back. - Oh, okay. - And fucked up his back. And he just had pain. - Right. - He was like me, first time I thought about him. - So, I know that that kicked up a lot, you know? Like, where he just started drinking really heavily. - Oh, no. - Mm-hmm. - I mean, so when I moved him in his soda, my sister came with me to, what did she work at? Did she work at a coffee shop, a bake shop? I don't remember. And I worked at the Hivey, the kitchen department in the Hivey. Like, of course, he's like, yeah, when you know you can't just live here and not do anything. So, we both went and got jobs. And, you would hear my dad in the middle of it. He's sleeping, mind you. He was sleeping, but he's in his sleep. He's like, fuck, oh fuck, shit, fuck, oh, that kid had pain in his sleep. - Okay. - And I was back. And we, you know, I wake up and be like, what's going on, fuck, you know? But, you know, I'm gonna find out. He's just like, sleeping and having pain. And just, or I don't know if he was dreaming, but I think he's pretty much a lot. - Right. - I mean, that, but so, too, I can't really remember, like, when I really realized that my dad didn't have to knock on, like, but didn't, then came later, like, when I started learning how to drive, I think, maybe? And I was 14, I was 14, and I started, my dad started teaching us how to drive. - Right. - And then, like, of course, you had to, you're like, a permit, so you could drive in the car with an adult. - Right. - So, we would drive my dad with drink. (laughing) That's how that went sometimes. - Right. - He would, I wanna say, bribe us, but kind of, I mean, I don't think I was gonna say anything to my mom anyway, but, like, he would be like, how about your pack of cigarettes, but don't tell your mom. - Okay. - And we're gonna go have our driving test, or test, but like, not even, you know, just being driving, what's the word I'm looking for? - Driving, listen. - Yeah, kind of, just practice, driving practice. - Right. - And I would drive, he would drink, and I'd get a pack of cigarettes. And of course, back in the day when you're, you know, 15, 16, you know, well, it'd probably be like 15, because it's 16, I got my license, and then, what's it, but I drove on my own, and then, that was the coolest thing, you're that's fine, you're a pack of cigarettes. The only thing I could not do, which my dad told me, I don't want us to use smoke when I first got, when they first realized that I was smoking, I couldn't smoke in the house. - Right. - I couldn't smoke around the house on the property of the house, like if I see you, I'm a snackish at outta you. But that didn't last long anyway. I mean of course I would be like in my room with my cigarette and then upload it out the window. Yeah because you can't smell it right? Because you know, it being stupid I guess. Yeah exactly. But um, dude I know that. I'm like, uh, like how many years in ice milk and I was certain that after I smoked a cigarette and I put in a peppermint mint in my mouth that it was all good you know. Not until you quit smoking that you realized that shit didn't happen. But all I just smell like peppermint ants in her head. Yeah. Yeah. So um, I um, what? So we moved back to Texas, to Iowa. Like I said, then my parents were trying to figure out what's what's going either to go to and then we um, my mom which you know, feel like the stupidest decision of their life but you know, whatever. And then you of course you have to go along with it because they're the parents. Right. Um, I kept this call healing. Shit, I fucking hate that school dude. I hate like, I've done been back to high school now right? Yeah. I hate it that school. He did a school to fucking pass. I mean like maybe it's something I need to fucking work. Because I hate that school man. And that's just because I had a bad experience there. Because I was a rebellion, I was rebellious. I asked questions. This doesn't make sense. The Bible doesn't make sense. Where the fuck do you know? Like you know, when you ask questions and they dare you. And they're like, yeah, just shut up. You know, like you know, can we can you explain the dinosaurs? Well, how the fuck did the world start with Adam and Eve? What do you mean, explain? Explain not to me. If the world started with Adam and Eve, why are the dinosaurs so old? But you know, um, that's not like the whole reason, but you know, some of the reason. But anyways, um, then I went after like, I got kicked out of that school. I think I even set that on here on the podcast. Yeah, I think you mentioned that. Yeah. You're dad went to the school and they were like, well both of my parents were there but my dad stuck up for me. I got kicked out of that school. It's so cool on that. I didn't give a fuck. I was like, the fuck out of this school, man. I don't want to go here anymore. I don't even think my brother went there anymore, even after that. Okay. Why are you paying? Why are you paying? And of course, it's the higher education. Yeah, because you're learning all the stuff you need for the fucking, for an adult life in school, right? Let me learn this algebra because I'm totally going to need it when I freaking, you know, of course. You need it when you go to the gas pumps, you can figure out how many gallons you can put in your car with how much money you got left over. Right. But then we ended up going to West. West Thai. Oh, you got it. And there was a public school then. There was a public school. But you had Norpai, West Thai and East Thai. And then you had the South, South, South, because I was in Nebraska, but whatever. That's how they made the high schools. Because, you know, East versus West, in the football, whatever, you know, but the athletes and stuff. But, um, I went to West Thai. That's where it actually then really started getting really bad. So they're not started doing like cold, good speed. I did acid, I did ecstasy. I mean, I'm super happy I didn't go down the path of heroin or crack. Right. But, um, so I think, for the longest time, and of course, like, you know, the group I hung out with, the whole bunch of people, you know, are twice a drug with speed. So, that's okay. I think one of the times of one of the marathons of how long we stayed up, I think it was like 72 hours or something like that. Okay. Just, you know, how much speed can we do? How long can we stay up? You know, like, when I look funny now, I'm like, yeah, I was proud to be the shittiest, you know, contest. Who could stay up the longest, right? On speed. Um, that's not true. Then I must have started when we were living California because I remember writing. So, you pretend like you go to bed and wait until everybody else goes to bed and then you get up and you make on this really tiny light. And I sat on my bed and I wrote like a 72 page, like a letter to my friend. Okay. And she would write me exactly the same note, you know, just keep writing and writing and writing. Right. Because you were on meth, you're a speed. Everybody's asleep. You can't really do anything. So you're just writing, writing. And then the sun's darks coming up and you're like, oh, cool. Like, I can get ready for school now. And then you go to school. But yeah, like, um, I ended up dropping out of high school in the ninth grade because, you know, of like drugs and school shitty anyway. I can't get anywhere with school, whatever. So I dropped out of school. But, um, I worked. I know that my parents were like, not going to school, you know, you get a job. You know, I started working at the age of 15. My first job was at a dairy cooking. Oh, yeah, right. You told me that the other day. It was $3 an hour. Yeah. But I, um, I paid for my own license because I wanted to get it earlier in the summer school. So I went to summer school. I think it was two paychecks that I got that I paid for my license because I wanted to get it at 16. Okay. And I was like, yeah, I'm getting my license. So, um, I started working at the age of 15 and never stopped. And then my first job and then you just keep getting, um, you know, after that, I mean, I even like tried out anything. I guess I'll vacuum cleaner, girl. That's like one of my jobs. Really? Yeah. It's crazy. I'm selling back and clean myself. I was going to say smoky. I can't believe this. You smoke in the vacuum cleaner. Yeah. Um, yeah. So, um, I did bend in depth. You know, I don't even know. And I had my best friend, Mindy. I'm under the shape of her issue whenever, um, if she would, uh, issue it here, this or not. So I had my best friend, Mindy. Um, you know, she went through this with me too. She was like, my writer died back then. We were in supper, both of you. If somebody saw me, they were like, where's Mindy? If they didn't see you with me, I'm like, oh, she's over there. Like, we were inseparable. We were together. But, um, I just woke up one day and I swear my fucking knife on the same month of fucking day she woke up too. And we were like, what are we doing with that life? What is this? Like, why are we, you know, wasting our lives or what it is? Some fucking stupid drugs. So, um, we went back. It was called ILC, an individual learning center. Um, but people used to call it idiots less chance. Okay. Cause, um, so we, we ended up going to that school and ended up actually graduating with our class. Um, so I did what, 10, 11, almost three years of school in like one year. Okay. To graduate. Well, I don't know what, I know people will say it's like fucking, in the fucking difference between getting your general education degree, like your GED or actually graduating from high school. Right. Apples oranges. They test you on the same thing. So I don't see what the difference is. But, you know, whatever. I don't know. So, um, that's what I, I see their tomato or tomato. You know, as I say, no. Um, um, so, um, yeah, I ended up like actually turning my life around. If that's what you want to call it because, um, even meeting my ex and moving here and still hearing about people living back home, who never made it, who never made it out of that cycle, whoever, who never made it out of like so, um, this one person, I don't really want to mention names, but like, um, where he, he got bad and he robbed, and, um, that stations and went to jail and, um, where I'm just like, man, like, my brother, my sister and me, we both let that, that town, we both, we all, we both, we, there's three of us. We all got out of there because it was just like, no, you know, it's just, I know, it never felt like home to me. I never felt like that's where I needed to be, that's where I wanted to stay, um, you know, my family's there. Of course I had my friends, I kind of have, you know, touch with them, not really, and that's kind of mainly over like Facebook, Instagram, you kind of see their posts or something. But it's not like we just, you know, write every day and stuff like that, but I mean, I'm happy that they're doing good. Yeah. And they're, they're thriving, even living back, you know, in Sir City, but I never felt like, as, what I needed to be, or that's where my in-station was. And, um, and it may be because we moved around so much, you know, going up that I just, yeah, and I can't say that this is also my in-station, but I've been here for 24 years. Right. And this is the longest where I've ever lived somewhere in like a country, you know what I mean? Right. Or continent. Right. We're in a country. You're a continent. You're a different country. You're a different country, different continent. But I mean, I moved around a lot here, you know, living in Germany. It's crazy. I don't envy them, but I'm like growing up, staying in the same house, people here in Germany, you know, because their parents own a house, so they have an apartment above their parents, you know what I mean? And it's in the same house. The same house, just moving to a different apartment above your parents, the same neighbors, the same neighborhood, the same street, and that's like your whole life. Right. Like, yeah. And I was like, I don't know if that would be a bored to me or not, because I only know like moving around. That's all I know. Like, staying like maybe three, four years somewhere and then moving. So like, how long did I live in Iowa before? I met my ex and came in over 15, most 15s, eight years. Okay. I lived there in about what? Eight, nine years and then I met my husband. I think about it. I've been living here for 24 years. Right. Down the block. It's crazy, man. Anyways, that's, so yeah, graduated Gava GED and I had started working in restaurants. This guy Jason, who actually also a rest in peace, bro. Like, the pressure got to him, man. Okay. So I was set here that too. Like, you know, and also living here in Germany. You also hear about people who used to know who passed away. My. At a young age too. That's crazy. Yeah. He actually got me into the country club in the Codidunes. I remember that. I really, and Jason was a really cool guy. And then he got me working. So that's like, what's my passion? I was really loved working in the kitchen. Like, I started off as a dishwasher because they were like, let's work at the start off at it. Right. And I worked my way up and one of the, that's why you like your kitchen so spot this. Baby. It's really, really picky about my kitchen. Like, how it's cleaned. But, you know, like, I don't know, that could be a reason. So I actually worked my way up to like, salads and desserts and ended up realizing that making desserts was really cool. I really loved it. And that's why I said I wanted to go to culinary school, but like, specializing in desserts. What's that called? I have no idea. Ah, the words there and it's not there. You know, like a, what do they call the German, a condatory? Oh yeah, a conditua. Yeah, I don't know if that's in, I don't know that word I know. But, after Google it. I wanted to make like wedding cakes and, you know, like, that's why I wanted it. And that's what I said. Like, I was, I'm going to go to culinary school. Um, something I really wanted to do, man. There's something I would probably be still due to this day, but then I found my next passion, which was, huh? Confectionaire. Thank you. Yes. I would never have, I would never have thought about that word. So, then I found my next passion. Well, you know, I'm turning my hobby into my job was, was fitness, a personal trainer, fitness coach and stuff like that. But that's like, that comes out a thousand years later down the road, even after I, um, I separated from my ex husband. Right. Um, so, um, yeah, that's my, that's my teenage years up until 24 where I was working in kitchen. So that's what I started doing is when I got my job at the Dakota Dooms and then I worked in various kitchens of like good quality kitchens, like in a good restaurant, like country club. That was really fun. That was a really fun job. You'd have like, they had like a golf tournament there and you, it was like, you had to have VIP access to give and get, cause I'd work there and I'm like, I get to come in, cause I work there. Right. And like having like, just like buffets and mothers day, I don't know, like that was, that was a really fun job working at that country club and then I went to K Hill Stickhouse, which is actually over the river in Nebraska and, um, work to working in a really nice restaurant down on forestry. I mean, you know, they'll know this, but like, um, and I do not remember the name of that restaurant, but, um, yeah. And then in the body and my roommate on my, one to say my next best friend, right? I think, you know, of course, when I move around a lot, you can't just have the same best friend and just, you know, always be so and that was Gretchen. Gretchen never listens to this. And, um, yeah, like we're just, um, then the time where I was living with Gretchen is whenever my ex has been and then, uh, so 24 and then I moved here. So I'm going to say that's probably the stop for me today. Right. So I'm going to say my, you know, from your TVs, from my, from the sixth grade to the, to the, you know, in the high school, I guess you can say. And, um, right. And like I said, I don't know. And I'm sure if I went to a therapist and said all this that it has in somehow, in, in relation or ties to what happened to me when, uh, because I never dealt with it. Right. You know. Right. Um, I mean, I guess it didn't even, I just kind of went through what happened, but also to this time between these times and especially when I turned about like 14, 15 is when our relationship with my mom was really bad. Like really, really bad. Right. I just, I could say, honestly, like despise this woman. Mm-hmm. Like, really. I mean, like I said, there's some stories that I could tell about, oh man, just crazy stories, man of, like my, my, um, not my child, the, my, my family life. Like, right behind the scenes. Like what happened behind those closed doors, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So, um, to, um, to probably, you know, break me, the person who I am today or to have made me how I was, but I'm not like that anymore. Right. Because I worked with myself. So, yeah. Um, yeah, that's, that's my teen years. That's how that works. So. Okay. Yeah. No questions. I don't. I think we're going to end this episode here and, uh, which is really good because we were planning on doing a couple episodes today to record for y'all. So we will end this episode here. Um, the next episode you'll have to wait until next week, ha ha, to hear about my teenage years up until, oh, maybe not early. 20s. So, um, yeah. We will see you then next week. Thanks for listening. And, uh, yeah. Thanks for tuning in. The next, see you next week. Well, he, we'll see you, but we'll hear you. Yeah. We'll hear you next week. We'll hear us. Okay, bye. Bye.