Episode 4: What Silence Cost Us

[Music] Hi, so welcome back to Race to Obey. So this will be telling my part of how my sexual abuse, you know, affected my childhood. So we just heard Yavon. I heard her also kind of going off in tangents a little bit, but always trying to get back on track. So girl, if you have any questions go ahead and you know, ask me, maybe that's also good, you know. Or just also to get me back on track, get by, you know, take a little detour. So yeah, we talked, Yavon talked about, like her childhood a little bit, also a little bit up into her adulthood also. I mean, my idea was, you know, to see, like, you know, how that affected us when it happened, the eight, nine years old, you know, how was the childhood, how was it my teen years? Also my younger adult into being married and having kids of my own. Also kind of, what's the word I'm looking for, giving this a little bit like of my fears onto my kids, even though nothing happened to them, you know, like, but also being like, what's wrong? There are some times when, any, I'm like this to the, to today, like if something's off, I notice it right away. And I think it makes you like hyper sensitive. And I would be like, oh my, because you know, you said your mom was like, uh, she just thought it was, but she never asked you, you know, of why you had changed. She said she knew something was wrong, but she didn't know why. I mean, she assumed it was because of her illness. But she never, she never, never ever asked me, was it blah, blah, blah, or like when I started being sexually active, she knew more or less, you know, I don't know if she was like trying to deny it, but she didn't ask me that neither, you know. But I'm just like, you know, when my kids with something be like, what's wrong? Are you okay? Did something happen to you? You know, you can talk to me about anything, right? And they would just kind of look at me like, are you okay? Yeah, maybe you told me like when your daughters had a sleep over or something and they would come back like, kind of funky or if they would call and be like, I want to go home and be like, why? What's going on? No, but I didn't even ask why. I was in the car. I was already talking. I need to come with a bad or a gun. Yeah, but I was already like halfway in my car. Like, if you're anywhere and you need to be picked up, tell me I'm there. Like I was just two others just like, you're high percentage. Projecting what happened to me a little bit on to them, even though nothing never happened, you know. Right. And so anyway, can just go into, I guess, after what happened to me and how it changed, you know, my relationship with my mom. Right. And also my childhood. Did things change between you and your brother after that or were you guys still pretty close? Do you remember? God's 809. I think we were still close. I know things changed between my brother, me and my brother when we were teenagers, because he wanted his own friends. I should find my own friends. But that was something different altogether. But we and my brother were still close up until, like I said, I was like up into our teen years. Then we kind of went, you know, because we just, you know, always and girls kind of, you know. No, I was still close with my brother. I think I remember, so when you were telling something came back to me, as you were telling me about, you know, being 10. And so we read it to Texas. And it was my brother's friend. His name was Michael. I remember his 10 years old. And I was 10. I think he was 10. So right behind our house was a fire fighter house. I don't even know what you call it anymore. Like, were fire fighters sleep in? Fire house. You know, the fire fighter, you know, was like the headquarters for a fire fighter. Fire station. Thank you. So the fire station was right behind our house, literally. And we just have to like go out of the back gate and walk over this hill. And it was right there. Okay. And his father was a fire fighter. And I remember, like, somehow he became good friends with my brother, probably because of that. And I remember having the huge crush on him. And that's when it started for me. I wasn't, I wasn't like having sex with him, but we were really kissing. And like, dry-humping, if you will. No, like, well, I think you know, you had the last, in that last episode, you had a piffony of the insane. Definitely. And now, I think about him, like, no, that's right. So like, I guess I did go to the path of being promiscuous and starting. I mean, I didn't have sex with him. I lost my virginity at 15. Okay. I don't know if that's any better. You know, it's still young. But, um, yeah, remember us kissing and doing things in the fire house, the fire station on the bunk beds, because you know, they had all these beds there. Right. Remember, that's crazy. I remember his name, I don't, honestly, I was kind of have like a vision of how we look long hair, blue eyes. I had to pick a scratch on that kid. [laughs] Pretty much the pin-up of the same age. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, like, like I said, though, in the last podcast, there's also a miracle by God, oh, by whoever. Right. I don't think God had anything to do with it. That I didn't get pregnant or, yeah, kind of contract a sexual disease. Um, but, um, no, it didn't affect my brother and I's relationship, but it did affect my mom and my mom, like me, my mom's relationship. Right. Yeah, because, um, I mentioned in the very first, um, episode that we did the introduction, that, um, you lost all trust in her, right? Was that, and do I remember that clip? Yeah, I know. I don't know. You want to call it trust. I felt like you couldn't trust her anymore. Yeah. That's how you said it. I don't, I don't even remember, because you know, you also said you remember talking to your mom about, you know, things, like I just remember like that being, from me, the point where I just didn't have a relationship with my mom anymore because she didn't protect me, like I needed her to. And I remember like from that point of me being just, I don't even know how to describe it. Um, I just remember not, uh, there's been an unruly kid. Right. I don't know if I was up to that point or not. Did you ever try to talk to her about it again? No. Uh-uh. No, there's nothing we don't talk about in our family and that was one of them. Yeah. I remember being a young teenager, or maybe as an older teenager, and making a comment to my mother, I never had a childhood. But she didn't question that either. You know, that's what I'm asking. Did you ever, like, make an e, like, snide remark? Or because I was always, I mean, in my family sarcasm is kind of like the second, um, unspoken language. Okay. You know what I mean? I don't know if the sarcasm, I know, like, no, that's my mom. It's like, it's so remarks or, you know, like, I have to trust you or. I have memories of my mom, like, as I was little, and I remember having a bunk bed. I had to share one with my brother. And I think, if I was on the top bunk, I don't remember. But I just remember my mom always, and she would work, she worked late. I mean, you know, like, these memories, or maybe she was just up, still up, because I was on the top bunk. And I remember falling out of my bunk, and, you know, you hit the floor as fucking high up from the top bunk to the ground. And, like, this is the memory I had when I would love to ask my mom, you know, I mean, I could ask my mom, "This memory has nothing to do with sexual abuse." But, like, her giving me a piece of cheese and comforting me. I have memories of my mom, which to this day, if you just rub my back, I thought, "See, be like, "Kh." Okay. Because she used to, like, just rub my back, really, you know, gently, and then up till I fell asleep. Okay. And maybe this was also before my sister was born, so she's four years younger than me. Okay. But, those are just, like, things and memories I have of my mom, of, you know, having a mother relationship, if you will. Right. To up to the point, like I said, I guess maybe I got, I really honestly, I don't know, like, I remember taking a knife, with a steak knife, and we had these leather chairs in the kitchen. I took a knife and I scratched everyone and with a knife. Okay. And my mom was pissed. She didn't, like, at this point, I think she would have thought maybe there's something wrong with her. Let's take her to some, let's say, a therapy or something. Or something, or something. Like, I don't know. Or something. Yeah. Because, and I don't know what came over me to where I wanted to, like, why I wanted to do this. We had six chairs, they were leather, I had a picture of me sitting in one of these chairs and every time I see that picture I was like "Oh those are chairs I fucking stand with the steak" And I didn't just stab them and like I went and just like "Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap" And then I went to the next one and I went "Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap" Like all of them Okay But no idea why No Okay But this was my frustration of what happened to me and nobody believing me, I'm pretty sure I mean, you know, this is me speculating, I have no idea Yeah, yeah But I can see that because like we've already talked about, I mean things that we don't deal with, they manifest somehow You know, I always say that I still do not know how I did not end up going postal somewhere Seriously You know, like when you know like it happens here in Germany every once in a while and you'd be like "Oh yeah, and why'd they go postal because what?" You know, I'd be like "You know, that's not a reason, if anybody has a reason to go postal it would be me" You know, but yeah, so I can definitely see you stabbing those kitchen chairs Were they like your mom's favorite chairs? They were just, you know They were just kitchen chairs No, no, I was like maybe it was your mom's favorite chair and you were like "Tie bitch!" You know, no, no, no, no, no, no Like maybe I didn't, I never, I don't think I'd ever had any And ill intentions of hooting my mom Like nothing that, like I just know that I didn't like her, you know, I think about also What's something that was in me that I didn't know what how to deal with because I didn't I'm eight, not, well let's say like now I'd be like 10, 11 How old were you when you did that with the chairs? I have no idea Okay No, no, that's not, is, see that's just another thing, I have this memory about that must have been and that must have been in the brats girl or did that happen after? Did we still have those chairs when we moved to Texas? And those are just, you know, the memories where I know that I stabbed those chairs in a night if I know that far back then I think And so here's the other question, how bad did your mom beat the shenanigans? I don't remember, honestly don't, I must have been You remember stabbing the chairs but you blocked the punishment out of you I don't know, like maybe I did, that's something I honestly, I mean like I would think that my mom would have fun Because I have like, I can recall punishments from the first grade that I got from my mom, you know, like the punishment is, like every memory is there, none of the punishment memories are blocked out So as a child and I remember living when we lived in Texas because this is when it happened and I think this is when this started happening So you had nipipine, you know, I have one, it's crazy, right? So, and also then I think why did my mom even question that? So like, well, I started sneaking into my parents' bedroom and sleeping on the floor Okay And my parents, girl, you have no idea, and I can't hear, you know, like my hearing, I had this since I was child, like my parents didn't notice that I had a purine problem and told us about four years old and tried to fix it but it didn't help My, I also passed us on to my oldest daughter about way fixed it so she can hear, like, good for me on a, really on this app, she was listening to this, like we, she had her, you know, her tonsils and she got like, tubes in her ears and. Okay Because I passed this, I actually passed this on to her but I didn't know it's not like that could be genetic, that's interesting. Yeah, so this must have been like after this happened, really, I would sneak into the bedroom and. After the incident happened to me? Mm-hmm I'm pretty sure And this is also like, tell me, I don't know why I needed to feel protected Okay And I didn't feel that, I was shared a sister, I shared a room with my sister And I would sneak into their bedroom at night Mm-hmm And I'd sleep on the floor, I had a blanket and a pillow and I'd sneak in there To where, when my dad would wake up, he'd tap a fucking heart attack because he almost stepped on me Because I was sleeping on the floor Right And if I tell you, my mom can hear like a fucking pin drop, a pin needle and a haystack Is that what, how you say that? When you drop, oh no, that's a, that's looking for a pin in a haystack Is there anything but a pin drop on the, whatever She, she has impeccable hearing, to this day, like, you'd be like, what'd you say? Like, you know, when you're a kid and you're like blah blah blah and my mom's like, heard that And you're like, how the fuck did you hear that? But you know, moms have eyes in the back of their head Right Um, if I, if I, if I tell you, my mom had impeccable hearing Mm-hmm I would go, I'd wake up some time in the middle of the night I'd go up, like across the hall, like, like, where my bedroom was, I'd have to walk down the hall And then there, it was, it's a little bit further away from the, my bedroom, my sister, my, me and my sister's bedroom and my brother's bedroom Turn the knob And I'm not, you don't just turn the knob, you turn the knob, you listen Did she wake up, turn the knob a little bit more, listen Okay, coast is clear, turn the knob a little bit more And I'm talking about, like, almost minutes if you're waiting for, to see if any, but Then you open the door, hoping that the fucking doesn't creak, you know Open the door, tip toe, like, because I'm saying my mom, like, how I did this, don't ask me Then I would like, close the door, like, this wasn't just like, you open, you know, how you open the door going and close it This was like, this had probably between- Like mission impossible, man Yeah Pretty much, I'm over your time, cruise hanging from the ceiling and shit Yeah, you know And like, close in the door again, cranking the knob, but not just letting it go, you know Just like, in, I'm saying probably between five and ten minutes where this all takes place To where you finally sit, laying on the, on the floor You're exhausted, so you just fall asleep right away So laying on the floor and sleeping Right Girl, we live in Texas, do you know what the fuck, they haven't, you know, they've taken scorpions I didn't care Right So, it got to the point where my parents were like, they were going insane because I would sneak in I'm not into it, this is every night Okay And I bet you that's why Also, other things coming, my daughter and my youngest daughter slept with me until she was 12 years old And I let her, I know there was a point in time where it kind of got from me where I was like I just want to have my bed to myself Right To where I tried I can sleep with me, but stop kicking No, she never did Um, let's see Where I tried for a week to get her to sleep in her own bed To where I've no avail, like couldn't, and I was like, fuck it, you know Um, to where I honestly thought she was gonna be It's because she needed that and I don't know, you know Right Don't, don't, but I finally just fucking damn, my accepted the fact that she, you know She, I will go to bed She would somehow know when I went to bed, everything lights off, everything, no more TV, anything And she crawled into my bed, I never even, I never even, most of the nights, I never even, like, heard her Or felt her come into my bed, all I know is when I woke up in the morning, she was there And that's what I did Mm-hmm Very many would tell my parents, my parents, um They got fed up with it, no you can't, can't be doing this So like, you know, in America you have like, uh, there was like a place in the hallway where the, um, furnace was, and the air conditioner Right And underneath was like a vent Right I ended up, uh, I would go out, I needed the noise The white noise Okay Maybe drowning, I have no idea, drowning out thoughts of my head Don't ask me, just speculating everything Um, so where then I find, I would just go out and sleep, uh, in front of the, the furnace thing where the vents are to hear the noise Okay This is, this is, this is something that just came to me right now It's okay Like, thinking back Like, crazy shit Do I remember that? I remember that Fucking sneaky and in there Mission impossible, fucking serious though, because my, because my mom's a fucking, she could hear My dad, when he's sleeping, he's passed the fuck out But, no, my mom, like That's why, you know, I don't know, if that's also in correlation So with what happened to me, that I needed to, to feel protected Because if somebody was gonna come in and harm me, I don't know Marry, yeah, I can totally see that I don't know That you needed that feeling of safety and protection Um, that's like, those are just things that popped everywhere, they're just popped into my head again Um, um, um, um, But just, also, I don't know if my relationship changed with my mom because my sister was born And my sister was just I have nothing against my sister I love her to death she really are really close but also I have a twin brother and we were born we you know what was all about me my brother because we were twins you know the twins the twins the twins we got showered you know we were the first grandkids on my mom's side my dad's side not but my mom's side um then my sister came along and we weren't the hype anymore my sister was a cute I sister was a really cute baby though she had like her hair actually was just adorable and um like I think I felt like I got pushed aside my sister um my mom would tell me stories I tried to feed my sister I don't know what she was I tried to feed her a carrot like a whole like a carrot like eat this carrot like stick it in her mouth and like yeah like my mom came in from the kitchen I don't know wherever and there's a living room and she saw me trying to feed my sister a carrot I don't think I was trying to harm her I just thought baby she was my she was my doll my my baby is in my doll tell you related to my mom and uh like like I don't know if that maybe has something to do with why I like if but see so my sister was four um hey so I was four when my sister was born so by the time this was happening to me my sister was four four five yeah yeah I mean I shared this room with my sister up until I think we moved to California so I had to share a room with my sister like my whole childhood until I was well when did we move to California when I was 11 8 I can't have somewhat 11 I think 11 yeah when we moved to California and then I girl I want to know how many times we moved I mean that's also for the later episodes I think y'all moved more than I did when I was in the military we moved a lot I was in the military but there's also a reason for that but they say that that's a that'll be for next another podcast no it was just episodes down the road okay um but we moved a lot dude so when I was born uh we lived in Nebraska south-south city Nebraska okay then we moved to Texas I was seven I think we're from Iowa where does that I am but like well we when I was born they my parents lived in Nebraska but so like we lived in a tri-state area which means there was Iowa in Nebraska and South Dakota it's pretty much a triangle right so you just had to drive like over the bridge and you were in Nebraska or you had to drive like 30 minutes that way and you were in South Dakota right so they call it a tri- in the tri-state area like you know so um when we did in that movie and back we we lived in Iowa okay but um so that's why like I say I'm from Iowa because that's where we lived that when we moved back we got well I do have memories of living in Nebraska um then we moved from Nebraska to Texas we lived there for I think three years move to California um 12 13 14 so I was about 14 almost 15 was I 15 when we moved back into Iowa and I just remember back in in in California so like I had a best friend or her name was Jennifer I remember when we met each other we met actually through a mutual friend and they called this whether they called us double gen trip no like they had a name for us because we both are both our names are Jennifer right and um I remember when my parents told me we were moving back to Iowa because my mom was my mom one and two she wasn't happy she wanted to move to Iowa she wanted to go back to her family right and um I remember saying like I want to I was 16 no sorry 15 so the 15 so I was like oh like three more years almost was 15 for the 15 and a half because it was the summer when we moved back it was in August and I was like I had begged my parents to let me live with my best friend Jennifer and her parents were a fucking cool with everything because I just wanted to stay in California I didn't want to go back to Iowa okay but um yeah my parents said no of course um but a lot of reason had to do it because I was I went down both you know because I think also of things that happened to me and my childhood I did take the wrong path and I got hooked on I went down the beaten path I went down the wrong path and started doing drugs so but that's like I said that song was going to be an episode down the road because I'm just trying to you know to pick my childhood kind of you know my my relationship with my mom um things like that though that came up with me sneaking into a bedroom of me having like that's crazy I mean um like I had the epiphany in the last episode and I mean one of the reasons that we wanted to do this podcast was to continue healing but I honestly never my wild dreams expected that we would have epiphanies or things would come up that we had somehow suppressed yeah I was gonna say berry but suppressed well berry suppressed yeah that we had suppressed from our childhoods um yeah I think it's crazy man I just feel like since that like that happened I never I never had the I never had and I remember sometimes being jealous of my sister's relationship with my mom because I never had that and I mean that's also you know going up and through the years I always said okay but that has to do with me too like my part you know um but just things like that were things happened were like did nobody question why did she stabbing chairs why is she sleeping coming and sneaking into my room why why all the sudden with this age of eight or nine why is she doing like feel like regressing and and being like you know needy or something you know um I think um I think this goes back to to you know the the generation that we are um and um like what we based our our introduction of the podcast on like we're raised to obey we're raised to stay quiet nobody questioned back then when we were growing up obviously because I know we're not the only ones that this happened to um nobody questions and I mean if you think about like to I mean like okay today uh sorry I think a lot of the people go like way overboard um but if we had grown up in today's society I don't think first of all I don't think it could have happened and I think if it did happen it would have been like one time and that would have been it because either you would have said something and they would have believed you or I would have acted out somehow and they would have been like something's wrong with this child we need to go see it psychologist or psychiatrist or whatever you know what I mean and like get to the bottom of this and not being like back then um in like we both say you know like uh it was oftentimes you know the thinking of our moms what are the neighbors gonna say what are people in town gonna say you know like I mentioned um or I think I mentioned um discussing with my mother years later about this incident and asking her how she could still have contact with my abuser and her response was he's my brother yeah what are the people gonna say if I don't speak damn and I was like my god I'm your child you know like you did mention this you know yeah um so I think it goes back to this mentality of you know let's not say anything let's keep it on touch anything that happens like it should have been under the royal hug and pretend it didn't even happen yeah yeah yeah um and you have to suck it up and go on well like also um yeah that's a that's a I think that has a of us a big um factor and and and not like saying anything um to yeah what would the people think when they shouldn't even fucking care what the people think because I'll tell you what I hear anything like that have a happen I'm like I said like my daughter would call me and should be like I need to want to get picked this is my younger daughter most of the time right now but even like I don't can you come pick me up I'm like yeah I'll be there right away I was already like halfway in the car and still talking around the phone like yeah I'll be like I'll be there like I'll be kissing my hand I was you know like uh I would have I would have I would have take yet I would have killed somebody yeah gone to jail definitely and if any if somebody ever touched my baby girls like there's no way in hell that you would like I would have protect like that's like what my what what my what I think even if not doesn't even matter if it's a mom or a dad even if it was like a older uncle or or aunt somebody needs to put this protection you're you're eight you're nine you're five you're six I don't even know when I'll hold you are you know right doesn't even matter if you're 10 or 12 So I mean she'd be there protecting you when you'd say something that something happened Definitely and not sweeping it under the web because maybe them neighbors. What would they think? Right. I didn't give a fuck what my what the neighbors would think about me I mean, I you know like they what what is this how does this even reflect on you what somebody did to me That's reflecting on them because it shows you what kind of person they are not what kind of person you are or what kind of person I am exactly but What happens to women We we're the victims, but it's but it's our fault You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean I'm not just saying women because it you know I just has happened to younger boys too You know Catholic priests and everything right that's why I Catholic religion yay Yeah But when is they by the way recording this? But you know like Somehow it gets turned around and you're the bad person Persaying something definitely whoa like I'm the fucking victim here This should happen to me so this should reflect on who the fuck this motherfucker is Go in and touching and molesting an innocent yeah, yeah, yeah, also yeah because you still at this age an innocent child Because because we talked about you know before this happened you didn't you're like going on about your life and playing and you know Like you said you know in your favorite their address on a swing and you know like and Then all of a sudden this happens and it's like whoosh yeah, you're not innocent anymore Well, yeah, but you didn't even realize you're not innocent anymore. You just know yeah things not the way it was yeah, but yeah, yeah, yeah um I know years later I had thought like Because I because up until that point I had I think I had a good relationship with my mom to where I could tell her things like I mean obviously I went to her I told her like you know right and um Yeah, you weren't afraid of any kind of regression, you know, which is the problem that I yeah This is which is why I didn't say anything because I just knew if I open my mouth there and be sure I'm anyway So I just keep my mouth shut and that for me shows that you didn't have this at all in your in your in your thought process You know your thought process was this is my mom. This is someone I trust. This is someone that protects me Yeah, I can go and tell this person. So um years later. I thought you know like does my dad know I was ever wondered if if she said anything to my dad Um, and I remember um me and my sister uh removed it to Minnesota with my dad So my dad lived like in the in during the week he lived in Minnesota and you come home on the weekends Oh, but this is also way down the road of the podcast uh the episodes, but um I just remembered so It will I will get into this deeper into the podcast so my dad was an alcoholic And um Hold on because um I lost my dad last year so um that's still also a good that to say he was because he isn't anymore because he was um So anyway um Because my dad's an alcoholic he was pretty much drunk or you know he had in this uh in this time where we this uh Where I was at at this house. He had been drinking with his buddy and he came home And I remember him saying to me I want to apologize to you for something I will never forget I thought he was gonna apologize for that. I thought he was gonna apologize to me for not protecting me I really honestly thought like that was he was gonna say that And he didn't he apologize for something else and I don't remember it because I knew at this moment that he didn't know what happened to me Right. I knew I said he never knew he never knew what happened to me because my mom never said anything Because I'll tell you what girl I know that if I I know that if I take a case I mean I know that if my dad would have known That that motherfucker would not be alive today because I know he would have marched over the because he lived across the street from us And I know he would have marched over there and I know he would have killed him He would have killed him with his bare hands Yeah because I asked baby girl I didn't know that he would have done that He would have protected me. Yeah I just know I know that more than when I when I really thought I'm like okay I really thought something I was also kind of like in myself a kind of like oh finally a minute I'm so sorry you know I'm in a good apology or something like and um Daddy remember I'm saying that I'm just standing up for me But I was just remembering my apology for something way different but I was like dude I'm not even remembering that dad it's all good you know because he was drunk and He gets you know emotional when he was drunk and okay either he'd get emotional He'd get mad and punch things like I said that's different podcast but probably a different episode Yeah, but I just knew at that point in time that he didn't know anything that happened to me I knew that and I said okay he didn't know and I wasn't you know I was about ready to tell him anything and especially in a drunken state as he was anything like you know he doesn't say anything but um yeah um you want to set him off well one thing I do know um And then you know I my dad was creamy and he didn't want to be you know he didn't want anything You just creamy that that was it like my dad was a very um I want to say loan some he was but because he wanted to be not because of you know like He had to be that was him he you know when he Many passed he had been living in some like he didn't He didn't he always say I don't need it. I don't need a lot to be happy I need my dog and my country music and my truck and And a six-peck a beer and he was fine. He was happy He didn't need he always said that and uh yeah And he he also he I mean we all those ink that you know what happened is that he had a heart attack because he didn't have a very good heart but like um Like now that he didn't have a good heart but his heart wasn't healthy. I have a strong yeah healthy heart um Daddy probably had a massive heart attack and died but like because he lived alone Um, and it we you know when we I want to say we I didn't you know have contact with my father for like five to seven years Okay the way he died like I hadn't had contact and it's not because I didn't want to Um to tell you truth. I really don't know The distance but It wasn't unlikely that he didn't contact my brother or my sister because they still live in the states and And if you're according to my sister they talked you know every you know They kept in contact right and so it wasn't you know like unlikely that nobody heard from my father for a couple weeks Because that's just how he was um But yeah, you know finally we had to Report him as a missing person for the police for the police to even go and see and yeah, he's That's how they found him he but he must it then say they they think he'd been laying there for at least two weeks So I mean he was decomposing and everything right so like yeah anyway, like say that's um My my father stood up for me um and Yeah, I just know he I mean I just I mean some crazy things that my father did of course, but like I know I'll never ever forget I know on the other podcast we talk about being in a private school I said I was one of the the worst year Almost my ninth grade that was the worst school year of my life I've been in this private school and um me finally getting kicked out of it And my dad being there we were for the board a director what the fuck ever all these stupid fucking people sitting across the table telling me that like whatever I'm gonna go to hell in a hand basket So um yeah, um, but I just remember him he he he stuck up for me and uh I remember my mom sitting there and not sticking up for me Okay Oh no, what were the people think right And my dad also like I said he was a simple man. He did not give a fuck where other people thought But anyways, um, that's why I think my mom and dad were different as night and day Mm-hmm. I mean, eventually they you know got divorced But that has like I said it's there's a lot of other factors than that just besides self then you know totally being like opposite But you know something they say opposites attract, but you know um Oh yeah So that's why yeah, I just um I I knew at that point that my father didn't know what happened to me because I know that if he did he would have He would have he would have that that person wouldn't be alive. Yeah, it's um I mean this is also for for An episode way further down the line, but um, I told you that um, so I eventually broke with my mom after my dad passed because My dad, your dad, so your dad died a year ago in January, right? I was there for Mutin, there's a German again. Yeah, like, what might I remember? So I wouldn't look back. So, you know, like everybody said, oh, the day my dad died, you know, like the, the, the, the, the, the, find him and say that the day of the day, that, you know, the passing of your father and you remember. And for me, I can't ever, I can't say when it was because they were, they said, okay, the day that they found him would be, okay, but he died like two weeks before, you know, he passed two weeks before, my sister got a hold of me, it was the seventh of February. Okay. So go back two weeks before that, but like, I can't ever say I can't have a date. Right, I can't say. But yeah, so in the middle, like at the end of January, sometime passing, yeah, yeah. And so my dad died the end of September last year. So, it's another thing we haven't come. We both lost our dads in 2025. Anyway, so after my dad passed, I decided to break with my mom and one of the, I wrote her a letter. And one of the things that I put in the letter was that I was 100% sure if my dad had known what her brother had done to me that her brother would no longer be alive. And I don't think it would have mattered if my dad had known Ben, or if he had found out, two years ago, like my mom did, because my mom found out much later, I was already an adult, I already had my own child when my mother found out about this. So I feel like you do, you know, my dad was not a very affectionate, loving person. He was very proud of me for my service in the military, which is funny because he was a conscientious object or during Vietnam. But, yeah, he had his own ways of showing and he did actually start telling me once I was an adult that he loved me, which he never did when we were children. But I think that was just, because how his role was as a father and, you know, he had a dairy farm. So we always used to say, we called his cow with his girls. And we always used to say his girls were the most important thing and because, of course, you know, if you have milk, cow, you're not producing milk, then you ain't get paid no money, you know? So, yeah. But this is funny, like for me, it's the opposite. My dad was very affectionate, my mom was not. Okay. Like, I'm very rarely heard from my mom, I love you. Okay. I remember, like, just sitting at the table and going to bed and telling my father, "Goodnight, I love you," and giving him a kiss. And you were just kind of like, I just remember sometimes waiting for my mom to say something from her side, 'cause, hey, you just told your dad, "Goodnight, I love you." Right. Maybe she might say, "Oh, you know, come here, you need kiss, love you too." No, not then. Good night. Get your ass in bed. No, yeah, but just like, "Okay, good night. I love you." Like, I'd ever get a kiss from my mom. Like, okay. And like, yeah, that was, for me, it's the opposite. My dad was a very affectionate, but he, you know, showed his love. Right. Very openly, my mom did not. I do remember a quote from my ex-husband. "Mm-hmm." "Your mom is like a fridge, she's very cold." Okay. (laughs) Alrighty then. So I, so, it's course, volumes. (laughs) This projected onto my relationship with my ex-husband because I did, he had a very affectionate relationship with his mom, Cuddled, Kisses, I love you. So everybody has a love language. Right. They have, there's, they're five love languages. One of them is like, you know, buying gifts. The other one is spending time. The other one is doing like odds and ins for somebody. And the other one is showing affection. The fifth one don't ask me, I can't remember, but, you know, there's five, there was only four, but they are five. Okay, I did not know that. I'm spending time. I learned something new every day. Spending time. And of course, when you get with somebody, everybody has a different love language. Right. And you need to love this person in the way they like to be loved. Is it sex? No, it's time. Oh. Sex would be. Are you sure? Yes. (laughs) I guess you could categorize sex in the, then spending time. As you know, my love language tells you. (laughs) Hey, who doesn't like, I mean, there are people who do, there, you know, everybody is also, where one couple is more sexually active as the other one, you know, what they say. Like you said, when you got together with your husband, that it was like, you know, how many times, would you like to, you know, I think that's also cool to be able to discuss that, you know? Right. Also just to know if you're compatible with somebody, right, you know, if somebody wants it one time a week, and the other person's like, I went on a month's good for me, then that's probably not gonna work out. Probably. Yeah. Yeah. So I like, I love language from my ex-husband is affection. Mm-hmm. Holding hands, kissing, cuddling, like touch, you know. Right. Near. And you're like, no touchy. I do. To this day, and I was also hired for me when I had my kids and my first daughter, they want to call it, they want to touch it. That was so, it was so, what's friend, strange. But it was so like uneasy. No. Huh? uneasy. It was just no weird. Yes, it was so, it was so, it did, I didn't like it. It was too much for me because that's something I never, I was never shown that as a child. Child. As a kid, as a child. Right. Which is weird because like, my dad was affectionate, but I don't remember ever sitting on a couch and cuddling with him. Right. I love you giving me a kiss, giving me a hug, but nothing like, where, you know, for some people, their like, love language is, they want to sit on the couch and cuddle. And I'm like, please, no, I don't. Like, that was so, like, I just didn't, like every time I did, it was so, it was the strangest fucking feeling, like, you, like, it was so, like, just, like, let me breathe. And yeah, pretty much, like, just stop touching me. I don't want it. Like, because I just didn't grow up with that. Right. I mean, my, like, my love language is different. And that's why everybody has a different one. And I tried, I mean, eventually, it got better for me. But I think still to this day, like, I'll cuddle with you for a little bit on the couch, but like, I'll give you five minutes or something and like, it's like, all right, get off. It's not because I don't love the person. It's because it's just, it's just like, I don't know. It just is not my love language. Right. And like I said, I've got way better at it. And yeah, like, I mean, pretty much my ex was trying to tell me that I'm a little bit like my mom. I mean, maybe not as cold as a pretty just my mom, but like, in that, in that particular sense of like a defrost, no frost with its cold. No, just in the sense of his love, love language was cuddling and touching and affection like that. And I, it wasn't mine. Right. And he wasn't used to that. And that's how he needed it, how he feels loved. Right. But how I feel loved is different. You know, why you say like sarcasm in our family was, you know, like, sometimes sarcasm in our family is like the way people show love. Yeah. The sarcasm. Through sarcasm. And I mean, that wasn't like, my house was at sarcasm. Wasn't the way we show love. Like, we just didn't show it. You know, like, sometimes I see like, memes of people like, you know, we never just said, I'm sorry to my sister, my brother. It was just kind of like, oh, here's a remote. Or here, I got you some chocolate or something. It was, but we never said I'm sorry. If anything, you know, if we got in a fight or something, it was never like, oh, I'm sorry. Right. It was like-- Passive aggressive. It was like, oh, here, you can use, you know, back in the day. Right. You know, in the 90s, you have the remote. You are the fucking king of the TV. You get to fucking control the channels and shit. In our house, we didn't have a remote. You were the remote. You had to change the channel. We were the remote. For us in our house, the shit was to sit in Dad's recliner. Oh. That was the shit. When Dad wasn't home, Dad and mother fucker got called so many times. And you know, there was a huge living room. And there were three of us. It's mine, I called it. And just fucking run it across the living room and all tried. And basically landing at the same time in the recliner. And then like fighting. Fighting for you, you know. So you can sit in Dad's recliner. I'm going to sit on the couch. Yeah. And that was just like, I'm sorry. But I'm not saying I'm sorry. I'm passive aggressive. Like, we have-- I'm going to get an ice cream, you want to do? Yeah. Exactly. Hey, I'm going in the kitchen. Did you want anything? And then the other person know, OK, that was an apology. Right. OK, we're good. We're all good. It's cool that we can talk. Yeah, exactly. We did not show feelings were not-- yeah, no. Talking about feelings? Wow. Sorry. No, we didn't talk about feelings either. That took me so-- I started working on that. So pretty much the same time I started working on my inner child. Right. That was-- I mean, we're winding down for about an hour. But that was just a mention. Like that was my whole reason for never crying because I remember crying as a child. I'll give you something to cry about. Exactly. You won't give you why you cried and I'll give you something to cry about. Or I would, I remember one time, I don't even know what I was upset about. And I think I was like a teen, early teenager. And I cried so hard I made myself sick. Like I was throwing up because I'd cried so hard. And my dad asked my mom, is she sick or what's wrong with her? And my mom said, oh it's just her damn nerve she'll get over it. You know, jeez, you need stuck crying. You know, and that was like from that point on, that was kind of like what set the seed for. You know, cry because it's weak. Yeah. Crying is a sign of weakness. You know, I mean, even like now, you know, when we talk about stuff and I get tears in my eyes and the first, my first inclination is like to immediately shove it off. Like stuck crying. Don't yeah, exactly. Stop crying now. Stop crying. Yeah. Like like, even when my mom would spank us in public, she'd spank us in public but we go to the restroom, she'd spank us. You cry because you're a child and she'd be like, oh right, wipe your tears and give some else cry about. Exactly. Like what did you fucking hit me? I didn't expect me to cry stupid bitch. You know, but yeah, so that's always like my first inclination is like to stop it. I used to, so I used to be like, you know, you know, like if we watch TV and something sad, you know, and I know my husband sees out of the corner of my eye. I'm like, you know, doing like what happened to my eye, you know, but I'd be like trying to do it like smooth, you know, so you don't know that exactly what I was doing. Like how fucking stupid is that? I used to do like the silent tears. So like I would cry, right, but I would not let a sound out of me. The tears would just fall. Mm-hmm. And you know, sometimes when you do cry, you kind of sob, you might shake a little bit or you know, when normal, healthy people cry because you know, it would be like they were taught emotions are okay and crying is okay. Instead of don't cry. Red about it. Yeah. I don't know a lot. I never, yeah. So like I would do silent tears. They would just fall and I'd lay in my bed. No shaking, nothing, you know, like you would never know how it's crying. Okay. Um, and like to cry now and actually, so like when my dad died and I found out about it. Mm-hmm. But I think that was the first time I had uncontrolled the, a soft and cried like an uncontrolled loss of and cried like to where I was screaming. Like screaming, screaming, screaming screaming. Like to where my daughter came out of her room wondering what the fuck was going on. Like she thought, she honestly thought like I was dying. Okay. She thought somebody was stabbing me. Monk Howe who came in the house, but whatever. Um, and just crying, openly, crying. Like I didn't care. Like when I, like when I don't want that. Like you know, also like when you see that I'm gonna film when somebody's crying and they're just ugly, crying to shit you know. You cry. Not coming. Sobs, you know, sobber and uh. You slumbered, you slumbered, you slumbered. And you're just like, you know, snot everywhere. They don't give a fuck. And I'm like, oh my gosh, look maybe some, I don't like, I can't because somebody's gonna see me like this. Just like what, you know, like that's also in the back of my mind. Right. So like sometimes I'll just cover my face because I don't want anybody to see me. Mm-hmm. But like um, that's, yeah, like. So that, I can tell you that was the first time in my life. In my existence where I cried like that. To where it's not was flying. Um, screaming. Um, to where the actual slumber was coming. Like, cause I just, like, there's no control. Right. Just a no-control. Um, that was it. Mm-hmm. And I like, um, I let it out. So of course like I learn now that it's okay to feel what you're feeling. I let it out. And then you just float to it. Like a, you know, it's right. It's, it's, it's over. And then, you know, the next time you need to cry, I would hold shit in. And I'm not shitting you. Like just hold it in until you burst. Mm-hmm. And then you're crying because, um, I put a pink sock in the white wash and so everything was pink. Right. I was crying uncontrollably. And it was, um, you know, yeah. I used to, I used to say that, um, I was like a volcano. Like, yeah, hold shit in. Mm-hmm. And then something would trigger me. And I would just fucking explode. Oh, yeah. And it would normally be the stupidest shit. Like you said, you know, there was like a peanut in the cashews. [laughter] Exactly. Seriously. Yeah. Like the stupidest shit. Yeah. Trigger me. And I would just like, everything was bottled up inside. We'd just spew and ashes. Yeah. You know, and it wasn't, it wasn't crying in my case because we don't do that. Um, it was hate and bitter. I mean, it was literally like, imagine like a volcano when it spews like the molten lava. Mm-hmm. It was like that. It was not pretty. And it was not, it was not pretty for me. And it was not pretty for whoever was in my way. [laughter] You know? Um. And sadly, a couple of times it was my child. Yes. You know? Yes. This also, yeah. And I've since had to apologize to you. Mm-hmm. You know, and tell him that it wasn't you. It wasn't, it was never anything that you did. No, you know. I can't remember the piano. Me and my. Can you remember the times where I. Focked up head. Yeah, just kind of exploded on my daughter when she was younger at my oldest daughter. Because, yeah. Like, it just pfft. Yum. Right? Like, I have profusely apologized to my oldest daughter for how I was. And if I could go back, I'd do it differently. I just thinks like that. Like, because I didn't know how to, um, let out and feel my emotions. Right. Yeah, express myself, my emotions. But it is like you said, um, either earlier or in the last podcast, you know, your daughter told you, you know, you don't have a handbook, you know. There's no textbook. And so, and I think especially for people like us, with trauma, with a childhood trauma, um, there has up to date as far as I know, kind of no, um, textbook that's been written for being a parent when you had childhood trauma. There's lots of textbooks on being a parent, you know. Babies first year, your first nine months of pregnancy, you know, um, great, uh, ages five to ten or whatever, you know. There's a lot of parenthood textbooks. But I have not yet, and if there's one out, there's somebody drop it in the comments, because I'd like to read it. I'm not fun. I mean, a parent, but I still like to read it. Well, you mean not again about, yeah. Like the, yeah, no, no, the shop's closed. Yeah. Um, uh, you know what I mean? Like being a parent as someone who had childhood trauma, that never dealt with it. Yeah. Because they're there, I think they're in lies. The key is that we're just now dealing with it. And our kids are fucking grown. I mean, your daughter's 16, but I mean, you know, she's basically grown, you know what I mean? That's my youngest daughter. That's, uh, there's not really a whole lot, and where you can do to form that being. She's 16, you know what I mean? Yeah. Maybe a little bit, but you know, for the most part, you know, she's basically formed, you know. Mm-hmm. Um, and my son and your oldest daughter, I mean, you know, they're same age. They're formed. They have their lives, you know. The only thing we can do is hope that we didn't fuck them up too bad. And they can have happy lives, because we made sure they have happy childhoods. You know, at least we did that. I tried, you know. But, you know, I was also in the-- A happy protected childhood. Yeah. Happy, yeah. Yeah. Protect, yeah. Childhood. The nuts, yeah. That was, that was, that was the most more important to me than happiness. Which is, that's the most important to me. That was the most important to me. That he grew up safe. That there was not like, not even the opportunity for this to happen to him. In any way, shape or form from anybody. Yeah. You know. No. Tears again. Yeah. Tears again, man. So, um, yeah, I think there's a-- I think there's a-- Yeah. I think, this is also a good time to end, we're almost getting onto the hour coming there. So, um, I feel this is, this was my-- This was Jennifer's epiphany. Yes. Epiphany hours. Yes, we are both having epiphany, so this was awesome. But I think this also helps to trigger things coming up again. Like, oh, fuck, I didn't-- Yeah. Like, this memory is coming back. I'm sure that we both have memories that are repressed and will continue to come out as we continue to deal with it and continue to try to heal. So, um, yeah, that is, was for the, podcast before this one was Yvonne and this one is mine. Oh, this is just a little bit of my childhood. Um, teenage years we haven't gotten into yet. That's going to be a crazy one. Definitely. Young adult and then, you know, all the way, um, young Mary, being a mom at a young age. And just, it's like, I always just feel like, how is this-- what happened to us at the age of nine-year-old, little, innocent child to affect us into, to even now, where we're well into our forties in 50, that we are now just being able to deal, I think even though to have the capacity to deal with it. Right. To heal from it. And still being triggered so easily by news on the radio that some child was abused. I can't use her rage. I can't. I can't. I can't. Those are things that I'm like, I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know. Yeah. I have enough to deal with. What do my sister say to me the other day? She's enough to deal with on her own. She has enough on her own play to deal with, you know. And yeah, I'm kind of just trying to stay in my own lane and deal with my own stuff, you know. And I don't need to be triggered by all the stupid fucked up people in the world. Okay. Then we'll catch you on the next episode. Bye.