Episode 4: The Art of Small Talk - Cultivating Connection

- Come on in. (triumphant music) - Welcome. Oh, I'm glad you're here. Please, come in and have a seat. Let's see where the conversation takes us. Today, we're gonna talk about conversations. Not the big, difficult, scary, challenging conversations, but the little ones, the small conversations, the icebreakers, the moment to fill little conversations that we can have with everyone we encounter throughout our day, throughout our travels. Today, we're gonna talk about the art of small conversations. So why do these little chats matter? Why are they important? Maybe even more important than we give them credit for. Well, little chats, the small passing exchanges that we so very often dismiss actually punch way above their weight class in terms of the impact that they can have on us across a number of different facets. Here's why they matter more than most people think. They represent what I like to refer to as a microdose of belonging. Even a quick, nice shoes, great bag. Nice haircut, right? Those little things, how's your morning going? Those are signals that we've been seeing, that little tiny recognition, it can reassure our brain that we're part of the social web, that this is something that we are hard-wired to crave, to need, that sense of connection, that sense of belonging. The, they reduce our loneliness. Sometimes it's not as even noticing, right? It's just that little bit of, "I'm here, you're here, we're here," right? Studies show that short, casual interactions, like with a cashier, a bus driver, Uber, Lyft driver, customer service wrap, they can lift our moods and buffer against isolation, just as reliably, and sometimes, even more than deeper conversations, and those deeper conversations are so much harder to achieve anyway, these little conversations, they're available to us everywhere. We can refill our cup with these little sips of conversation and really feel noticed, feel that we're impacting and being impacted by our community. And what's even more important, more meaningful, is they can build trust and relationship over time, little chucks, they stack up, and they build themselves into something much more meaningful. The barista that you order your coffee from every day, and you have that little bit of an exchange with, the neighbor that you wave to, when you go to check your mail or you're walking your dog, these tiny moments, they form a foundation for bigger, more supportive, more meaningful relationships. And those opportunities are everywhere that we frequent, wherever we are, whether that's the gym, the library, the store, the shops, the restaurants, the parks, right, any place that we frequent, we have all these little opportunities to connect, to converse, to replenish ourselves in just these little incursions of connection. It's low stakes practice, right? Small talk is like conversational stretching from a gym rat's out there for the ones who, who like to get a good workout in. This is a conversational workout. It is warming up your social muscles with no pressure, right? It makes it so much easier to dive into the meaningful conversations when the time comes. Now I know there's those of you out there who like to be strictly business and get right to the facts and right to the point, but you're short changing yourself when you don't engage in the formalities, in the little bit of pleasantry before we get down to business, because it's those pleasantries, those small exchanges, the wife and kids, the family, the trip that you just got back from are the one that you're planning on. Those little exchanges that we share, they stitch those relationships together so that when we get down to business, it can be more meaningful. We can plunge the depths deeper. We can get to the points more effectively, more authentically when we take the time to invest in our connection in those little conversations, those starters, those icebreakers. And you know what else they'll do for us? They have a ripple effect. You ever taken a stone and tossed it into a still body of water, a puddle, a lake, and you watch how those ripples can centrically go out? Well, our kindness, those little conversations, those passing compliments to a random stranger, it doesn't just lift your mood, but now you've lifted the mood of that person that you've engaged with, that you connected with. And you've planted the seed for them to then share that same small connection with the next person they encounter. When you have a pleasant exchange with your barista ordering your Grande Mocholate with extra foam, right? And you chat about how busy the day is or how wild the weather's been or any of those little pleasantries that we use to connect, you've just juiced them up a little bit so that when they greet the person in line behind you, they greet with the smile, the smile that you planted in them, they get to then share with the next person and help make that exchange a little bit better. It can be almost like a social contagion in the best possible way. It's all about paying it forward folks, right? Have you ever had the opportunity where you've been in a line and the person in front of you paid for your order? It's wild when that kind of thing happens. When somebody treats you randomly out of nowhere and you can't help, but you were gonna pay for your order anyway so you go ahead and you pay for the order behind you, right? And that sort of thing can go on and on. It also reminds me like the restaurants where you can go in and you can buy a hot coffee and a breakfast or a sandwich and put it on a board. So if somebody in need comes in and they don't have money, they can just grab a paid for a meal. And it's these little acts that can have huge impact. It's like social glue that connects us, okay? Small scale, down in the building blocks of our relationships. In short, those little chats are not fluff. There's a stitching that helps keep the social fabric from unraveling. It's the thread that binds us all together as a community. Hey there, buddy, come on in and join the conversation. How can you turn small talk into real talk without it feeling forced? Well, there's a sweet spot moving from surfacy to something real in a way that feels natural, not like you're yanking the wheel, making a hard left turn into uncharted conversation. But there's a framework that we can use. It's a conversational tools that we can use to build upon. You can keep it right in your back pocket, pull it out when you need it. The first one is what I like to call listening for the glimmer. People usually will drop small hints, sigh, a laugh, a quirky detail. It's an opening, it's an invitation to take the conversation a step further. So you greet your barista and place your order. Barista says, yeah, it's been a busy morning. You can always respond with busy in a good way or the kind that makes you wish you never got out of bed. They have a choice then. They can pick up the baton and banter back with you or they can shut it down and move you along. These hurt, nobody's offended, you engaged and they either accepted or they maintained professionalism and moved on. It's an open door, it's an invitation to come in and then they get to choose. You're not interrogating them, you're inviting them to expand, explore, connect, low stakes, no danger of being hurt. No danger of really being rejected because it wasn't a deep, big ask. It was just a little question about their day. And you'd be surprised how many times folks will accept that invitation and go, definitely wish I was back in bed. Or no, this is the kind of busy that makes my morning fly. My chef's half over and before I know it will be done. And to go, so it all depends. So instead of not instead of what I meant to say is it's an invitation and if they choose to accept it then great connection made and you can build on it a little more the next day and a little more the day after that. Sometimes it's hard to throw those out there right because it feels vulnerable. Maybe it is, nothing wrong with a little bit of vulnerability because we can trade that vulnerability for connection. When we're just a little bit vulnerable, instead of the door being cracked open, it's the door left standing open with welcoming fragrances, wafting out to invite you in, right? So small talk can level up when we can give something genuine. And I don't mean overshare. You don't need to go into childhood traumas at the hello, we're not walking for that. But instead of saying how was your week, you could try something like this week's been a mixed bag, productive, but exhausting, how's yours treating you? I gave a little, I'm not just asking you to give without offering something up in exchange, I'm sharing a little insight and I'm now inviting you to share some of yours. But honesty, it creates a space where we can get past the autopilot response of how was your day, fine. How are you doing? Great, how can I help you, right? If we want to break past that, sometimes we have to offer a little. This week is kicking my behind, hope it's doing better for you. They've invited in now to say whether their week is going great or they're right along with me. And this week is kickin' honey, right? It's using a side door instead of taking a big leap into the conversation. Rather than jumping straight into deep topics, we're going to slide into them through something light. So, instead of seeing any good shows lately, which now I'm like, I don't know, what do you think is good, I don't know what you like, right? A twist on that question could be something like what do you usually look for in a story? What pulls you in? Is now, now I'm not being asked to say whether something's good or not and then if you watch it and don't like it, now I've wasted your time. Instead, this is something that gets to know a little bit about what draws me to a show. Right? How was your weekend? It's great, thanks. It's a autopilot answer, want to get off the autopilot? Instead ask, do you have a go-to way to recharge on your weekends? Well, you know, it could be, hang with friends, I have one friend, it's the strangest thing. I don't understand how it works. What the way she recharges is she cleans her house, scrubbing, deep cleaning, that makes you feel better, not my ideal weekend, not going to lie. I recharge through creative endeavors, you know, I want to be going to a play or rehearsing for a play or I want to be painting or I want to be building something or I want to be talking and connecting and having conversations with my friends and my family and my circle. These are the things I want to do, but there are people that they recharge by getting their journalist checked off and that's fine, no judgments, what makes you happy, makes you happy, but how would I ever know if I don't ask deeper questions than how was your weekend? Right? Talk through life oblivious to the temperature of the room that we're entering. Read the room. If someone leans in, they add details, they ask you questions back, they volley with you, that's a green light. Charge forward, have fun with it. If they keep it short, stay playful in light and don't push. Don't change curiosity into prying and nosiness, right? There's a fine line. We want to make sure that we're engaging in these small chats, these mini conversations, these little microdoses of connection, that they're positively charged, right? If we start getting insistent where somebody is feeling reserved or holding back, that can get really intrusive and it can cause damage instead of build connection. We always want to make sure that you're really paying attention to what's being communicated back and how well your attempts are being received, right? Don't take it personal, Jessica, somebody doesn't want to talk to you today. You don't know what battles they're fighting. You don't know what trauma they're dealing with. It may have nothing to do with you. But stop that right now. It's now always about me, not always about you. Sometimes, sometimes, it's about them and what they're going through. We need to allow space for people to keep to themselves, to be private, to be reserved, to step away and not be offended and hold it against them. Make sure you're taking a good temperature before you push forward. Once we've gotten a good temperature and we know that we are engaging with somebody who wants to connect back with us, we're not flipping an instant switch here, folks. We are building a fluffy croissant through layers. It's like the Baklava friendship. It's a little nutty, it's a little sticky and sweet, but it's lots of layers of building. It doesn't happen in an instant and it takes dedication and work. But the end result is so worth it. Real talk doesn't mean heavy or serious, it means authentic, and you can get there gradually, one small conversation at a time. Now, when you're talking about the weather, I actually love rainy days. I love it. Now, I don't necessarily want them every day in a row for two weeks solid South Florida. What are we doing right now? Okay, it's enough, but I really do love the rainy day. I love it when this guy gets dark and everything feels cozy and you just want to stay in and cuddle up with hot beverage and and a good book or even better. Have a friend swing by and you secure into a cozy conversation, right? Folks, this is a stroll. It's not a sprint. Okay, it's not about getting there fast. It's about getting there in your time. It's about allowing the relationship the time to cultivate and develop. We live in a in a world that demands instant connection, instant response. I want it now. It can't be fast enough. And that's not how human connection builds. It's not the way we work. If you connect really hot and heavy, real deep, real fast, oftentimes those relationships are super fragile, right? And they tend to shatter because they're not built on authenticity. They're built on a vibe, a moment, a feeling hormone, a urge, if you will, right? We let our passions get the best of us folks when really what we need to build is connection. We need we need time with each other. Small talk is a doorway. It's not a destination. The trick is noticing when somebody wants to set inside and join you in that conversation and that connection. Right? Let's go ahead. I think we're at a good breaking point. We're going to take just a few moments and we'll be right back with you to continue these little connections. This show runs on the sweat of fairies and strong coffee. If you'd like to support the fairies or just by Angela coffee, we would all appreciate it. The fairies know she can be really testy without her caffeine and nobody wants that. You can head to coffee at keo-fi.com/angelaaslivingroom and the fairies will thank you. Now back to Angela and the rest of the show. Welcome back. Sometimes you just need a good break. Nice little stretch. So what are we talking about again? Oh yeah. Those little conversations, those moments that we can share. Most of the meaningful connections that we make in life don't happen in big moments. I mean big moments are great. I love a big moment. Big moments are awesome. But they're rare. That's what makes them big. And that's not where connection happens. That's where connection's celebrated. Right? That's that's where the joy of our connections has its its its its sparkle. Right? But meaningful connections. They happen in quiet ordinary moments. The quiet ordinary moments are where most of the real glue in our human connection comes from. All right. Goodness. Here's why it hits so true. Big moments, like I said, they're rare. Birthdays. You get one of those a year. Okay. Weddings. If you're lucky, one in a life maybe two. Most I've ever heard was what five or six. Through a whole lifetime. Okay. Promotions. Once every few years if you're on a good upward track in your corporation. I mean they matter. They're big. They're monumentous. They can be life altering, but they don't happen every day. The in between. That fills up 99% of our time. Those big moments. They're so rare in the grand scheme of things. Ordinary. Those ordinary moments. Those are authentic. It's when no one's performing, right? Those big moments. I mean, you're wedding day. You notably take extra care to make sure every single thing is perfect. That's not how we live life. I don't live life perfect. Do you live life perfect? If you're going to tell me you do, I'm going to call you a liar right to your face just so you know, I won't say it behind your back. I will laugh at you and call you a liar to your face because perfection is a construct. It doesn't even exist. It's not real because what's perfect to me will be flawed to you and what's perfect to you isn't going to cut it for me. Perfection is elusive. All right it's unattainable. Authentic is real and flawed and quirky and messy and dirty and sweaty sometimes and smelly sometimes and funny a lot of the times and painful sometimes and uncomfortable sometimes and it's all of those things. That's real. All right it's conversations that happen in grocery lines or on commutes when walking your dog that shows you who you really are as you move through the world. How you treat people who don't impact your life show you who you are as you move through the world right repetition builds trust a thousand small nods waves smiles casual chats and random compliments will slowly stack up and build into familiarity and then familiarity morphs into belonging and there's where we get community communities that bind together when things are tough that step up for each other in times of need that come together to celebrate moments of joy but we get to that pinnacle to that peak through the ordinary through the mundane through the repetitive connection and building and sharing of small insights and little moments they sneak past our guard because ordinary moments feel low stakes people open up more easily than in those high-pressure big impact life changing moments. Can you think of a moment when a short exchange maybe in a hallway at a coffee machine at the water cooler waiting for an elevator ended up shifting the way you saw someone or shaped your relationship an example that I can think of you know I've spent oh my god so very many years so many many years working in call centers all right and call centers are interesting environments they are microcosms of the population you have different departments with different focuses so you know you have your introverts who are in the admin side of things your extroverts and your customer service and sales you have control freaks and people who are striving to build a career in folks who just took the job because it's all they could get and all of these people coming together and man can have wild thoughts about who you are based on how you present yourself, right? I can think of a time where I was having a conversation with one of the facilities maintenance folks in one of the call centers and he was just an incredible guy, big heart, big personality, big black man, right? And I absolutely love him because he was authentic and generous and helpful and funny, which always gets you extra points with me. And he and I were, you know, given each other a high five as we were passing each other, he was coming out of the break room. I was heading into it and somebody else stopped him and said, "Why you messin' with her? And accuse me of being racist. Don't know where that thought or idea came from. I certainly would hope I never presented myself that way." But this is somebody who hadn't been to one of my classes that I hadn't engaged with. She simply seen me walking around the building and had her thoughts. And in that moment, my friend of several years at that point spoke up and said, "Well, if you think that, it's because you just don't know her." He says, "You need to step back and give her a chance." That little moment reshaped it. She started seeking me out to talk to me and I encouraged and engaged in those little conversations in the break room. Totally reshaped how she saw me. Right? Those, just those little conversations, those little moments. Huge shift in how somebody can be perceived. Another one that comes to mind. I worked with a young woman who was quiet and reserved. Always kept to herself. Never opened up and shared. And I'm gonna be honest with you. In my youth and in experience, I assumed that she was stuck up and pretentious and completely full of herself. It's never stopped me from trying to talk to somebody, but that's what I thought. And through having to work with her, because that's what work is, right? They pay you to deal with people that you normally wouldn't want to spend time with in a professional setting in order to get things done. And so in working with her and having to have professional exchanges, that repetition of those professional exchanges built up. And after a few months, she started engaging more in conversation and sharing more and a wicked sense of humor presented itself. And vulnerability presented itself. And what I discovered is she wasn't standoffish. She was highly insecure and was really afraid of being judged for not expressing herself well, which had no basis in reality. But it's what she perceived of herself. And so what she presented was a very defensive front of don't get near so I can't be rejected. But through time, the building of trust, a hundred little microdoses of connection. And she was able to bring her walls down and left for let me to let me see the authentic person on the other side who is funny and charming and intelligent and loyal and an incredible human being and friend. That I would have missed had I not persisted in those little connections. You can't judge people by how they first present themselves. You've got to allow them time to get to know you enough and allow you time to get to know them enough that you guys can be real with each other. So what can I do to build these skills? If I'm not somebody who just and naturally engages in conversation, I cannot even tell you how many times I have embarrassed my child to know end because I inserted myself into a conversation that was happening in front of me or behind me in the line at the grocery store. I know shocking right? Me insert myself into a conversation. Say less. But here's my challenge to you so that you can build up those skills that allow you to jump into a conversation or to spark a conversation with someone. All right. Here's the challenge for you guys. I'm going to challenge you to chat with the incidental connections you make throughout your day whether you're running whether it's a you know a cashier in a store a customer service rep a barista right? A waiter or waitress the hostess in the restaurant. If you find yourself standing in line in the Department of Motor Vehicles chat with the person standing in front of you or behind you. If you are out walking yourself your animals your children whichever and you encounter another individual also out walking take a moment and engage chatting with your barista a quirky opener you might use. What drink do you secretly wish more people would order? What's your favorite thing to make? All right what's your favorite on the menu? You might learn something you might try something you wouldn't have considered before and step outside of your comfort zone and discover a new favorite because you asked an interesting question right now is that going to get you to swapping life stories? Probably not but maybe over time you never know you can create a friendly vibe that builds especially if it's someplace where you're regular and this is someone you see on an ongoing basis. That neighbor that you pass while you're out walking your dog or your spouse or your kid or yourself if your dog could talk what's the first thing they'd say to me right now. What? See this requires you to know your pets personality in order to be able to answer it. I can tell you what my beagle would say are you gonna pet me are you gonna pet me right behind the ears? Oh rub the ear rub the ear please rub the ear aren't you gonna pet me why won't you pet me? That's what my beagle would say. My cat on the other hand would say please keep your hands to yourself I don't know you like that. All right and what would my husband say? Well a lot my husband would say a lot. He would tell you his life story starting at the moment of his birth and by the time we reach current events the pets no longer need to be walks. I'm teasing no but no I'm not really teasing he really does do that but it's what I love about him. You're in a ride chair taxi lift Uber what's the most interesting place you've picked somebody up from lately what is what's the wildest personal exchange you witnessed in your car seen any good fights any good tea right these are great for when there's a built-in time frame for this conversation you're gonna be spending a few minutes together ask a question that can get a fun answer you never know the shorter the scenario the shorter the conversation the more it is about energy and vibe rather than depth. If the setting has built-in time, you can go beyond surface level. But if you're standing in line in a coffee shop with a dozen folks waiting behind you, you want to keep it quick, you want to keep it light, you want to keep it brief. Once again, read the room my friends, stay aware of your surroundings and how you are impacting those surroundings. Being aware of the surroundings is only half the battle. What impact am I having on my surroundings? That's the full picture. So let's talk about your conversation toolkit. What are some things that I can put in my pocket to pull out? Just little conversation starters, because we're stuck in a rut as a society with how we engage with each other. Number one, politics is a conversation to be avoided in public spaces at all costs. We are way too divisive right now to even venture down that path. Everybody's got a side of the table that they sit on. The only thing you're going to hear me say about politics is I need all of us to remember that the left wing and the right wing are attached to the same bird. So we're not going to talk about politics. Those are not safe conversations to have in our back pocket. Instead we want to have questions that are much more interesting than just. Well, whether it's been fun lately or how are you? What's up? Nothing, man. That's like the cotton candy of conversation. It's all air no value. We're going to pull into our, we're going to build our toolbox. Let's build our toolbox with a nice, hearty, charcoot reward of questions that we can pull from. Interesting, textured, nuanced. What's the best thing you've eaten this week? Try any new restaurants or coffee spots lately? What's your favorite local mom and pop place to go? What's your favorite small business to visit? What's been your go-to snack this week? What's your go-to meal? I'm telling you right now, I was playing around with some different pasta dishes and I was making this dish with cherry tomatoes and oh my goodness. I would start by cooking some scallions and onions in olive oil and a little butter. After they soften up nicely, you put the tomatoes in and you cook them down until the skins burst and then you kind of mush them in. You add your seasonings and then a little fresh grated parmesan and a little bit of pasta water. You get this nice, put in some lemon zest and lemon juice, the brightness, the flavor explosions. I've made it three times in the last two weeks. I can't get over it and my husband feels the same way. Everybody gets eaten. It is so delicious. Anyway, I digress. See, these are the types of conversations that you can start if you ask somebody a question like what's your go-to snack or what's your favorite meal lately? Pick up any fun habits, any new hobbies? What's the last thing you watched that you actually liked? What's the last thing that you read that you couldn't put down? Do you have a favorite podcast or playlist that you're listening to right now? Hopefully this one's on it. Alright, some observational questions. That is a great bag. I love your shoes. That jacket is so sharp. It fits you so well. Where did you find that? I like how you said this earlier. Has this been on your mind for a while or where did those thoughts come from? That was a great perspective you shared. Alright, this place always has such interesting music to core people. Don't you think? What's something small that made you smile this week? Alright, these are the things that get people thinking and sharing what's meaningful to them. You know, it's one thing to ask somebody, "Do you like to go shopping?" It's an entirely different conversation when you go, "Where's your favorite place to shop?" Alright, I'm going to find out a lot more about you if I ask you what your top five favorite places to go shopping are. Then if I just ask if you enjoy shopping. What kind of shopping? Grocery shopping? I know some chefs that love to go grocery shopping and produce shopping. And I know some moms who despise it. And the shopping they want to do is home goods, home decor. I have some other friends that when they talk about going shopping, they're heading to Ultra and Mac. And they are getting the latest and greatest products for their beauty regime. And then other friends when they say they're going shopping, it's all about the fit. It's all about the style, it's clothing, it's shoes, it's hats, it's accessories, it's fashion baby. When I say shopping, what do you think of? Okay. Do you have a favorite way to recharge after a busy day? I do. Oh, I believe in herbal infused meditation, right? Is there, if you could teleport anywhere in the world for dinner tonight, where would you go? And what would you order? Right? Some days it's my own kitchen, I'm not going to lie. But I wouldn't mind teleporting to Italy and getting a curtio pepe made authentic just once. That would be chef's kiss, right? What's your most used app besides the obvious? Can't be a social app. What's your most functional app? I know, right? Some of you have some good ones I know you do. Any guilty pleasure TV shows? You know, the thing that you don't want people to know that you love to watch, but you know you really love to watch. Lego masters. I freaking love Lego masters watching them watching adults just completely geek out building these giant Lego structures. Oops. I'm really not supposed to hit the microphone. I need to be careful about that. But it's just a wholesome and sweet and I love it. What's my other guilty pleasure? RuPaul's Drag Race for all the same reasons. All right. Some situational. These can be adapted for anywhere at a work or an event. Okay, at work, what brought you here today, probably not a meaningful conversation because most of us, what brought me here today were bills, persistent bills, and my absolute dedication to the paycheck continuation program. Okay. But at an event, like if you're at an event, like what, what was your draw? Are you here because you're a fan? Are you here because somebody made you? Did you score free tickets? Like, why are you here? Okay. At a coffee shop. Do you know if they always have that particular pastry or is this a special occasion? Is that a seasonal? Do you know? All right. At a party. How do you know the host? It can be some fun answers in that one, right? You never know what somebody's going to say. We used to pork, but now we're just friends. At a gym or a class. Have you tried this before? Is this new for you too? No. First time I'm a virgin. Haven't been able to say that I went in a while. There are a million different ways that we can spark a conversation. In fact, there are even tools out there that you can utilize to help you. If you're not good of thinking of random questions, this is something I found off of a YouTube podcaster. It's questions for humans and all it is, it's a deck full of random questions that you can just ask. If you're not good at coming up with them, you can cheat. You don't have to be clever. Just have to have good tools and practice, folks. Everything we practice, we get better at. Practice your conversations, practice micro-dosing those connections, practice layering, layering for flavor, layering for fullness, layering for something wonderful on the other side. It's been really great chatting with you today. Always appreciate it when you stop by. Make sure you follow me on social media at Angela's living room on all platforms. If you'd like to support the show, you can subscribe to my Patreon and see all the behind-the-scenes action and some extended episodes. Have a great day.