Episode 38 - Pay Your Own Pig

Speaker 1 Hey, welcome to the pod. Before we start, here's the legal disclaimer. We are nice people, we promise, but it's not going to sound like it because we're sort of being like, quite bad. It's fun to be bad. If you want to indulge your bad side, if you're a good person that wants to feel a bit mean, a bit a bit silly, come join us. We're going to talk about cursed things in a cursed way, and you're going to have a great time. Speaker 2 Like, you know, at school when you have a group of cool, hot friends and you want them to think of cool so badly and you laugh at all their tasteless jokes. That's what this is. Except for we're not even cool. We're not savants, we're not experts, we're uncouth, we're rude, we're horrible. But you know what? We're bringing the sex factor to this audio element, but just imagine we're so, we're so hot. Just imagine. Speaker 1 That we're so hot, Jesse Nixon, we're back in the same room. Can you feel the ineffable chemistry through the after your ears? Speaker 2 Yeah, you can. I'm answering for you. Oh my God. I just always forget how close we are when we're on this sofa. Speaker 1 I I love the fact that you are clearly very happy to see me every single time we do these records. But then the second it starts, you go, yeah, but not this. I don't. I don't want to be touching you at all. Speaker 2 Do you remember one time I confessed that I don't really turn fully to look at you and it's because I don't want to see my side profile on the? Speaker 1 Recording, I mean, let's be clear here. We're we're immediately going massively off script. I'm on editing this and I'm exclusively editing clips to cut to you every time my bold blot is shown. No, if I'm bending down and crippled over with laughter, I am immediately cutting straight to you, even if you're just going like. Speaker 2 That's a big favour that you do yourself that you certainly don't do for me. Speaker 1 I have, you know that yes, I include moments where you do not look fantastic, but I also definitely cut out the worst ones. Speaker 2 You cut out where I've just literally upskirted myself on camera. Speaker 1 I'm I'm not like the amount of flaps I have yeah, protected the public from over the. Speaker 2 Last year I would I'd take gate kept rather than protect the the public obeying for them. Speaker 1 It's about supply and demand. Yeah, I've got all the flaps and they're gonna need to come. Speaker 2 Please come to me, cup in hand. Speaker 1 Please Sir, please may I have some flap and I'll have to be like no, they're all mine CD. I've got a folder on my computer. Speaker 2 Trying so hard to think of a a pun that has to do with vagina and communism. Speaker 1 Oh man, I had all of our tits. I've got nothing. Speaker 2 Property is flaps, you know what I mean? Something like that, but it it's not that. Speaker 1 Seize the means of. Speaker 2 Of reproduction. Speaker 1 She's the means of production. She's the means of production. It's something. It's something. There we go. Anyway, welcome back to Serving Curse. It's a delight to have you back. I'm sorry. It's been a little break. Basically what happened was we had the entirety of August, which is the Edinburgh Fringe, various holidays, various horrible things. And then Jesse's such a busy woman living such a tumultuous life. It's difficult to get back from London. But we're here now having a lovely little time. Jesse, what's been new? Catch us up. What's been going on, baby? Speaker 2 So much and also nothing. Speaker 1 I wouldn't say nothing. We caught up last night over the largest glass of wine you've ever seen in your fucking life, and you told me a couple of quite harrowing things. Number one, you have a pay pic now. Discuss. Speaker 2 Yeah, so OK girls and boys and. Speaker 1 My girlies, focus up. Speaker 2 Those in between so I it picture this guys already all of you guys hang. Speaker 1 On we're not. We're not even in the fucking main. Speaker 2 I take it back, there's nothing interesting to picture. I basically I went for, I went to see some friends, 'cause I have them in London. I got it. Speaker 1 I've got them. They're very, very real. Speaker 2 Yeah, and I had loads to see in one day 'cause that's what a prom queen I am. But when I was seeing one of them Benji. But I think Benji lessons still. There was a time when Bishop Benji, Bishop, Bishop Benji listened very diligently. I don't know if he still does. Speaker 1 What? At what point do you think Betty Dodge, Sorry, that the fall off of people that love us in real life stopped listening to the podcast because I noticed with my partner at the very least six or seven, six and seven in. Speaker 2 They're like, OK, we get it now. Speaker 1 They really didn't get to what I would call the desperate meat of the podcast, which is when we're like, we've got a good thing going. He's like, oh, God, how do we keep it going? Oh. Speaker 2 My God. So I've moved away and our careers go real well in that time. Speaker 1 Oh, I'm immediately Jesse's excelling and I'm stuck here. But we do have to keep doing the Spooky Drinks podcast. Oh well, you drink very rarely, actually. Speaker 2 Very rarely. We're fat. We don't have time to get drinks prior to starting recording. But sorry, yeah, no, I agree. But I this is like, as with literally every conversation we have, the kernel of truth underneath the folly of our banter is that I worry with everyone I meet that they think I'm fun for like 30% of the time knowing me. And then one day they like, they're like, oh, this is all bollocks. And you're actually like a tiny little like in if I like your true personality is like the your spirit animal is just like a a naked mole rat lying in the dark. Speaker 1 With like 3 whiskers but they're like mottled and horrible. Exactly. Yeah. You're in desperate need of attention constantly, so you're screaming all the time and all you are is a naked, horrible, flabby burden. Speaker 2 Exactly. And they'll, so I, I worry that with every of my, my microcosmic sort of anecdotal interactions with everyone, I, I worry that. And I also worry that with the podcast that people listen exactly for about 7 episodes and then they're like, oh, these guys fucking suck. Actually never listening again. I can't believe I was swindled like that. Speaker 1 This is this I think is a paramount we will get back to the actual story, which is Jesse big a pay pig one second just having a pay pig rather unless unless it's a circular economy and you're also paying someone else to call you a a Dick. But at the same time, as we just discussed, we do that to ourselves. Yeah. And I. Speaker 2 I'm my own pay pig and I always was. Speaker 1 I get that on branded serving care T-shirts immediately. I am my own pay pig is. Speaker 2 Born paying my own pig. Speaker 1 That's my motivation. Hey guys, pay your own pig, OK? Think about it. Speaker 2 You could pay your own pig one day 10. Speaker 1 To your own garden, pay your own pig. Speaker 2 Sorry, what were you saying before I interrupted? Speaker 1 You sorry? That I think is the dichotomy of all performance and all comedy is that we have the audacity and the self belief to think that we're important enough to be listened to so we must shout from the highest rooftops and deserve a stage. And also we are desperate that everyone will see through that complete artifice and think that we are absolutely shit at all times. Speaker 2 Yes. And it's like you were saying last night, this like the the need to be known like permeates everything we do. Speaker 1 Yeah, and not known in terms of Amos known as in like I, I would love it if one person got me. Yeah, understood me. Speaker 2 But don't you think it might be me? Speaker 1 I do know it's you, but The thing is, you'll never admit it to me. You'll never actually go, Tom. I actually see your soul. Speaker 2 I can see I'll never use the power I have of knowing you. I'll never use it to heal you. Speaker 1 No, absolutely not. You'll only use it to destroy me when the time is right. Yeah, and that's when I will deploy the flaps folder. That's when I will print it all out. And I will just sort of paper your corner of London with them. Like I'm going to put, I'm going to put pictures of your flaps from my computer into various bakeries, cafes, establishments. So it looks like a missing boy. That's what it's going to be. Has anyone, has anybody seen these flaps? And ironically, everyone will have. Speaker 2 Yeah. Speaker 1 And that's how we break the podcast up. If you see Jesse's flaps on the streets that you know it's over. Speaker 2 If I knew that that would guarantee the success of the podcast, I would do it now. Speaker 1 Annoyingly, it 1000% worth tick to 1,000,000% is about optimization. So unfortunately there's optimised thing you can do in the first. Yeah, bam, perfect, clip it done. We've got it, we've got them. Speaker 2 Thumbnail. Speaker 1 We've got them on board, we've got them on board, we've fucking got them on boards. Now you'll start watching a podcast you didn't wanna watch. Speaker 2 The best tits best tits look good look at. Speaker 1 The tits Look, there you go. This is social media now. Yeah, we're comedians and. Speaker 2 You can't really do the same thing because nobody wants to see Dick. Speaker 1 Absolutely no one wants to see Dick because they will just be inundated it whether they ask for it or not, right? Again, supply and demand. Speaker 2 Women should have sexualized an arbitrary part of men's bodies in the same way that men sexualized tits, because tits are not actually inherently a sex organ. And in many non western civilizations they're quite baffled by westerners. Sexualization of sexual would be like, those are for babies, yeah what the fuck is up with you guys? And so we should have done this interviews. Speaker 1 That also western beauty trans tends towards paedophilia. Yeah, but it's like, so are you baby? Do you want baby? Speaker 2 Do you want to fuck baby or be baby? Yeah, it's like me when I see a hot girl. Speaker 1 Exactly like am I baby, are you baby? Could I be mummy who what is any of this Oedipal Stew that I've got myself worked up empty? I think that with the like with the sexualization of random male body parts. Here's the issue that we have men inherently red done very simple and they wanted to like go to the same three things, right. It's going to be tits, Fanny, arse. It's going to be we can sexualize that. It's absolutely fine. Women unknowingly have a much better handle on their own sexuality and are willing to express their individuality. There is not a consensus on what they should. So I think you do really arbitrarily point out things on a man's body and go it's that though. But they're so niche. Like like one woman's will be. I just love a collarbone I could break and that's one person's thing and another one is just like I. I like that weird bit between shoulder and back. Whatever the hinterland is, I need. Speaker 2 That to be popping out the vein. Speaker 1 Which vein? Speaker 2 The forearm vein. Oh. Speaker 1 The forearm. Speaker 2 Everyone wants the forearm vein do. Speaker 1 You mean formal bicep vein? I thought it was. Speaker 2 Nice, but he wants this Andrea. No. Well, forearm or bice probably. Forearm is what I mean. Like here. Speaker 1 You want the ones that makes it your skin look like a leaf. Speaker 2 Yeah, it's pretty much. And I used to sometimes make my partners go like that, like make a fist and then make a fist and make a fist and then make a fist until the vein emerged. And I'd be like, yeah. Speaker 1 Now I'm hot now, now we can go. Speaker 2 Good boy, this is. Speaker 1 This and this brings us perfectly back to you, why someone might consider you a good dominatrix. Because Jesse's got a pay pig. Let's do the story. 10 minutes. Speaker 2 OK, so I was picture this we're in London. We're. Speaker 1 In London, that's as far as we got before we started talking about 84 things. Speaker 2 So I was seeing friends in London. I was cycled to see the The friend was Benji. Hello Benji, I love you. And I was so excited to see lovely Benji that I left my phone in the phone holder of my bike, which I used to navigate, and I left it outside London Bridge Station for over an hour, I would say, before I remembered about it. And then I was like, fuck. That's almost certainly been stolen, given that London Bridge Station has some of the highest footfall in London. But then, in a stroke of luck, which will come become relevant later on the episode, wow, she's got her job. Speaker 1 Foreshadowing is a literary device. Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm also withholding A burp so hard right now and I'm just not sure how much longer. Speaker 1 I'm sorry, you'll happily show basically nipple on main but you're not willing to do a small burp. Speaker 2 Well, just in case it impacts the quality of the story, but I suppose interesting story to discuss. It does the same. Speaker 1 Thing ironically derailing yourself to mention your perfect withholding of a burp. Far more distracting than just a burp. Continue. Speaker 2 OK, so I went back to London Bridge station like, Oh my fucking God, my phone still there. Oh my goodness. God, yeah. Wow, wow, wow. Speaker 1 What is humanity? Speaker 2 Me and Benji, how we laughed. Oh how we laughed. We were like Oh my God what a stroke of luck. It would have been literally life ruining if my phone had been stolen. Thank God it wasn't, we said. Then I went and did a gig in Camden and that was fine. And after my gig in Camden, I got a message online from a little man. Speaker 1 Who, tiny boy? Speaker 2 I had had seen me at Birmingham Glee Club. Side note, people keep messaging me online. I'm getting so much messages at the moment because I'm getting a lot of hate online for. Speaker 1 Jessie's doing well in terms of numbers going up, but the issue is a lot of those numbers are men calling her ugly. Speaker 2 Yes, it's all engaged. Men are calling me ugly online, Yes, but. Speaker 1 Come after me because I believe it about myself more than Jessie does. So come, come for Tommy. Speaker 2 I thought you were gonna say I'll, I'll like, beat them up for you. No. Speaker 1 No, no, I'll be the sponge instead. I hate myself enough. Speaker 2 No self esteem mugging me, yeah. Speaker 1 1000% Oh, you think you've got depression? Oh fuck no. I'm mental health maxing on you. That's what's happening right now. Also very sad night. God, we need to stop using the language of in cells in mainstream culture. Yeah, I don't want to see BBC say are you looks maxing on main? Please stop. I know it's insults. Well, it's the he's been done for rape now. Let's not BBC. Speaker 2 It's a classic case of starting using it ironically and then kind of not, although I think I'm still on the irony side of things anyway. So I get a message online. Oh yeah, I was just gonna say people keep messaging me online and being like, I'm from Birmingham Glee Club and I'm like, how the fuck would I know? There was 200 of you and one of me. Of course you know me. I don't know you. Speaker 1 I'm sorry, I was the only special one. Yeah, that's the point of the evening. There are 200 of the pigs, and then there's me. Speaker 2 I've dedicated my entire 20s to becoming the Special 1, so don't expect for me to see you as the Special one. What have you possibly done? Why? Speaker 1 Would I remember you? Unless you've either a fuck the gig yeah or be fucked me at the gig. Speaker 2 You're literally nothing to me. How dare you ever contact me and. Speaker 1 That's why he was like, I'll pay you to say that again. Yes, Fuck, you'll never ever be in the allegations, not once. I. Speaker 2 Just spill coffee. I didn't. So anyway, then I get this message from this guy. This guy has loads of followers line, but I'm pretty sure he bought them all 'cause he didn't have any engagement on his post. Also, he would LOVE love that I'm talking about him right now, especially in the kind of dismissive, derisive way that I'm talking. Are you? Speaker 1 Using this to make 40 more pounds on the side. Speaker 2 Stop giving away the story. So I am get this message from this guy and he goes, would you ever do fandom? And now listeners, I have been approached before to do fandom, but I've accidentally been kind about it, which gives him the ick cause in the past I've gone yeah, I would do it, but I wanna make sure that you don't have kids to feed who's, you know, gonna go hungry if you give me all your money or that you're in debt or whatever. I don't wanna fuck up your credit score. You know, I'll do it, but ethically. But they hate that. They don't like that it's. Speaker 1 Removed all threat from this situation. Yeah, you've no worries if not the man's erection. Well, exactly. Speaker 2 And so now I know now I've learnt I've been there before. So this time I was like, I'm going to come in mean from the start. So I was like, why should I make time for a little maggot like you, which obviously he loves. And he sent me a picture. They like to send a picture that disappears on Instagram because then it Instagram tells them if you screenshot it and it means there's no evidence of what they've said. So he sent me. Speaker 1 This. Speaker 2 Exactly, he sent me this picture with all of his kinks but I'm like a slow reader so I like Cody. He. Speaker 1 Gave you a primer document. Speaker 2 Yeah. Speaker 1 But on a disappearing picture, Yeah. So after 10 seconds, it's just gone forever. Speaker 2 Yeah, and I got as far as like deck humiliation, cuckolding, foot fetish, rimming, and then I couldn't see the rest of them and I was like, go Alan and it again. So this is what I was saying yesterday. You learned so much when you speak to a paper, 'cause you're like, I can't ask for that again, 'cause my instincts be like, oh, sorry, didn't actually catch that. I'm sorry. Really. Can you send that again? But you, that's too nice. That's. Speaker 1 Way too normal and called. Speaker 2 Yeah, so I had to just pretend I'd retained what he said. Speaker 1 And then you go the other way and just like, did you, you stupid little pig, think that 5 seconds was long enough to read all of your? Speaker 2 Better than. I just don't have this instinct. Speaker 1 I'm clearly more wrong than you. Absolutely. I mean, I've had it the other way where you, you know, you'll be flirting on an app that has like disappearing photos and that kind of stuff and you'll see it and it will disappear too quickly. It's quite weird. If the picture was tits for you to go. Sorry, could you say that again? I just didn't see them for long enough. Speaker 2 Yeah, not sure if I like him. Actually, I make up my mind I'm. Speaker 1 Really going to see what's going on with these. Do you mind just resetting that like a few more times? Like a few passes? Speaker 2 Oh, so he said that and then he, I was like, prove it, because I know that's what you're meant to say. I was like, I'm not talking to you until you pay me. Speaker 1 This is this is so schoolyard as well. It's it's so like 8 year old pulling the hair of the girl. She likes that kind of thing. I see you. Speaker 2 So then he sent me some money, which was great. And then he we talked a bit more, but I'm sort of also commuting back from this gig in Camden and I forgot my bike in town and had to get the tube instead. It was just big stress. And that was stressful because I want again, my instincts to be like, oh, definitely up for this, but I'm just commuting the moment. I'm not going to be able to, you know, I'm going to lose signal. It's less, I'm just going to pick this up when I get home. Do you know what I mean? The instinct to be polite and appeasing is just so strong. But then I was at Oval bus station and he'd said he would send me more money if I sent him a voice note telling him how shit he was. He also sent me a Dick pic and was like isn't my Dick rubbish? And I was kind of like it's fine. In my brain I was like it's fine. It's it's pretty much boyfriend Dick is what it is, but he doesn't want to hear. Speaker 1 That it's, it's manageable, it's it, it'll get the job done. Speaker 2 OK, just quick pity tongue which came first For people that are into small Dick humiliation, do you think it's born? I've always thought the the desire to have your Dick humiliated is born from having already a small Dick and being like, how can I make the best of this? But his Dick being kind of normal sized, I was like, oh, so maybe there's people out there that just have the small Dick humiliation King, but their Dick isn't even small. And do you think that's annoying for them? Speaker 1 It is the entire other way. He doesn't know that it's not small. He has grown up in a pornified society where he would consider his miniscule because he's only ever seen just enormous sweaty. Speaker 2 Veining pot. Speaker 1 Disgusting, right? Like he thinks that it's small, hence he wants the validation of that opinion because what he probably doesn't want to do is live in the grey area. I think that's what it is. If he just goes, I'm owning the fact of this. Or it's like how we get up on the stage and go low. We we're that if we say it then if if it was our idea then no one can hurt us. So it's him going. I will pay you to confirm my negative opinion rather than risk being in the grey area and disappointing you somewhere. Speaker 2 More healing for him if I was like I can't in good faith call this a small Dick because it isn't. Speaker 1 1000% you'd be ruining your business yeah, but 1000 I think that would be a very fun TV pilot episode is that you are basically sort of like undercover Boss but you're a mental health thing pay pick situation. I actually just want to tell you that would make a lot of women very be satisfied. Yeah. Just because it's not what you see in porn doesn't mean that it's bad in any way. Yeah, I'm sorry, because I now know that you can't come with it. Yes. Speaker 2 But he would also submit like a request to his bank to refund you. Speaker 1 Actually sue you, you get you get sued by your pig for not providing services that were agreed upon. Speaker 2 So I'm trying my best that I'm outside Oval Station and I'm trying to leave this voice note, but because he's like, as I said to you last night, I'm capable of being quite horrible, but it's only when I feel that it's deserved. I'm like a superhero. Speaker 1 Is that superhero or is that human beings for the most part? Is that just I can only really have a have an emotion when you know, I have the emotion? Speaker 2 I I think human beings are capable of cruelty under almost any circumstances, just not this one. Speaker 1 Not you. I'm not like other girls. Speaker 2 I'm morally good and was born without original sin. No so I so. Speaker 1 You just go looking for. Speaker 2 It yeah gonna try sinning for the first time kind of nervous so I was trying to leave this voice note but I was like not couldn't get it up in terms of being an angry bitch and was having to rerecord a few times because it just kept coming out wrong so. Speaker 1 That to me is so funny about you dialling in the exact cadence of how mean can I say the word maggot, How much stank can. Speaker 2 I put on the G and I don't want it to sound pantomimical. Yeah, and also just like I I just kept kind of running out of steam and halfway through the voice note would just be like and and fuck you or whatever it's. Speaker 1 So funny to me to hear it takes with you halfway through this this horrible dominatrix characters like and cause. Speaker 2 And then just be like start again I'm. Speaker 1 Sorry. And just the the facade breaks immediately. You just hear warmth and kindness. Speaker 2 Flood. Speaker 1 Back into your body. It's just it's such a perfect paradigm of how much you have to perform in real life most of the time. Speaker 2 Yeah, when I eventually get told that I have mild autism, which I suspect that I will, they're gonna be like, So what? So you've been masking and everyone's been masking that has autism, and that's fine, but you for some reason been masking as like an asshole. Yeah. Why? Why? Speaker 1 What benefit did that do for you? Like, you know, you know, in, in nature, like evolution means that you're camouflaged to fit in, in certain ways in certain environments. And then there's one bird who just made himself bright blue and he's like, why have you done that? Why have you done that? Why have you done that? You're so noticed. Speaker 2 People still think you're weird? Yeah. Speaker 1 You keep doing this weird dance. You're so loud and big. What's going on with you? Yeah. What advantage does this confer? Speaker 2 On you 'cause I'm a mole rat inside our. Speaker 1 Metaphors are so horribly mixed. Speaker 2 I just think if you get our metaphors, you're like a legend. Speaker 1 It's a slash undiagnosed is what we're going. Speaker 2 To slash get help. Anyway so I'm outside over on bus station I'm on take three of my fucking voice notes on my fucking new paper. Also the whole time I'm thinking I I can't fuck this up if I nail this and this becomes a regular thing 'cause my paper goes said. Speaker 1 It's a job interview and that's, yes, it's a. Speaker 2 Trial shift. So he was like, because he said I get paid later on and when I get paid I want I want you to drain £350 out of my account and £350 is good stuff. It's gonna change my well. Speaker 1 That's a meaty, meaty cancer. Speaker 2 Mommy doesn't have to go to Leicester and do a gig above a pop world, you know, Hey. Speaker 1 I have to do. Speaker 2 That gig. So yeah, fuck you. Fuck you. So I'm I'm excited, I'm nervous. I have palms sweating knees a week and I'm doing my my voice note and I've just I'm I'm like on Taylor's room like this is the one I'm going to nail this one. And I'm holding my phone in my hand on the bus outside the bus stop when, because I'm standing on the edge of the pavement holding my phone loosely in my hand whilst trying to embody the character of a dominatrix, my phone is snatched out of my hand by a thief on a bike and his 2 little hench men. Speaker 1 His 2 little sidekicks like the Imps from Hercules. Yep, that's who I'm picturing every time. Speaker 2 And then I I screamed and I said, get that back, you fucking cunt. Perfect diction. And they laughed at me. Yeah, I was they cycled away. And then I chased him for a little bit. But it was very quickly apparent that that was not it was fruitless. And then I walk of shamed back to the bus stop, Whereupon a family of four who had seen me at Dulwich Hamlets Comedy Night the night before turned around and said, Oh my God, we saw you at Dulwich Hamlets Comedy night. You were so good. And because they be nice to me, I cry. And then I went up to the top deck of the bus with them and they told me all the things I needed to do in order to stop my bank details from being stolen and identity and all of that. And then I for some reason, I'm going to say because I was in shock. I don't really know why to this day explained about the pay pig stuff. And I like like introduced this like middle-aged mum to what the concept. Speaker 1 Of yeah. And did you see a light going in her eyes? They're just like that. Sounds like no extra work. Speaker 2 Hitherto they had been so nice and concerned for me. And also that, you know, when you can see in people's eyes they're, they're like so excited to be able to tell this story in the office tomorrow. Well. Speaker 1 That I hate being someone elses water cooler news 'cause you can see it happening. Yeah, like it turns their like 'cause they're like they wanna stay engaged in the situation, but not not enough. That they can't be called an impartial observer? Yes. Speaker 2 And I but when I introduced the pay pic stuff, I the the gleam in their eye, they were like, OK. The more particular story has become significantly more complex. Speaker 1 And and also utterly not safe for work. Yes, Yeah, this is now the kind of thing that you can share with your one work friend. Yeah, and not in the all. Speaker 2 Hands meeting and what the fuck's sake, that was going to take up 5 minutes of the 9:00 AM zoom that's. Speaker 1 Exactly what the light in the eyes is, it's just sort of like, oh, I'll have meaning for about 10 minutes. Speaker 2 Yeah, not anymore, Susan, because I've made it lascivious and disgusting and interluberous. Speaker 1 As is her. What? Want to do? Yeah, lovely. I'm fine too. Anyway, welcome back to Serving Curse. Speaker 2 No, I was literally doing my makeup. I was thinking, it's gonna be so nice talking to Tom and doing the podcast. And I was like, it's so nice that I've got a big, strong story to tell it to the podcast. And I was thinking, I bet what's gonna happen is I'm gonna tell the story, and then Tom's gonna somehow decree that there's no time to discuss him. Yeah. And then I was just thinking, I was like, blending my foundation into my face. And I was like, I guess just more interesting stuff has to happen to him, and I can't help him if he feels uncompelling, you know? Speaker 1 Basically, by the way, thank you for that. I'll pay you 20 lbs once this is over because I am rock hard, right? Let's crack up with a lovely show. I mean, that is the paradigm that we've set up for ourselves. All the weird, interesting, chaotic shit happens to you and I facilitate filming it. I know. Speaker 2 But does it never happen to you? Does anything happen to you ever or no? Speaker 1 No, I mean, I, I have what I would consider quite an interesting and fun and diverse life, but the issue is it's not interesting, fun and diverse for you because you've done it all. It's comedy and it's like like all of the stuff that comes with that. Like very rarely doesn't change. Shit happen to me because nobody out in the world is looking to like be a predator to me, unlike you, Therefore, there's no, none of that danger anywhere. I also have quite a like stable foundation of life and I'm now medicated so almost all of the chaos. Speaker 2 And I'm buying a house and my girlfriend loves me and I'm great and I. Speaker 1 Have a great life. I I very rarely want to start a podcast where we're being like horrible chaos at little goblins and sort of being like, how are you time? We bought new bed linen looks fucking great. Actually, it's really good, yeah. Do you know what I mean? Speaker 2 You're we both are looking at the other person's life and wanting it like I want stability and a significant other and you want a comedy career popping off. I know well, as as I said, I was like, fuck, his actually is popping off. So it's like you have, you have the thing I have, it's just I don't have the. Speaker 1 Thing basically what's happening at the moment in terms of comedy is that Jesse's career is popping like crazy. I am at the stage where the kernels are starting to smell, but there's no noise yet. You know something's gonna happen, but it could be, It could be 10 minutes, could be an hour with no fucking. Speaker 2 Some of them are gonna burn. Speaker 1 Some of them are gonna burn. There's gonna there's gonna be some that do not go well, Yeah, some of the pops a lot. Speaker 2 Full of sweet, salty, hot warm popcorn and then crunch break a filling on one of the ones that didn't. Speaker 1 Pop. That is, that is my. Speaker 2 Goal in my career. Speaker 1 And that is life as well. Speaker 2 Thanks for listening. Bye this. Speaker 1 Has been a very philosophical episode so far, as Irving goes, and an absolutely structuralist one in every single way they can. Speaker 2 OK, well, let's do that. Let's put some structure. How? I love that. How about we? Speaker 1 I love the idea. Oh my God. Just. Speaker 2 If we follow the format. Have you thought about that? Speaker 1 I would love to follow the format and actually as a small little treat, we have one little format point to bring back because we actually have a, well, is it cocktail? It is a cursed beverage. We certainly have a cursed beverage. Speaker 2 Frogtail. It's a cursed Frogtail. Speaker 1 It could be a cursed fruittail. Now our second ever cocktail was frogtail related. Oh, yeah, Do you remember how the bit? Remember that it was a transformative moment in my life because I'll never forget the feeling of the horrible eggs. Oh, this is gonna be. Speaker 2 So much worse this is. Speaker 1 Gonna be so much worse. Basically, we have a lovely story. I'm gonna do that again when I'm not like half burping in yawning. I just, I hate doing that because I want to style it out as much as possible, but it just makes me utterly uncompelling for about 10 seconds. And just like why did I not want to listen to that? Speaker 2 Making me really want to your I'm just so sorry. You're you're you're talk. You talk. Speaker 1 There you go again, I'll pay you 20 lbs later. That's made me feel so small. I love it. Basically we have got ourselves a lovely little story and the theme of that story I believe is. Speaker 2 Luck. Yeah, baby. Speaker 1 I believe it is luck so for our thematic drink to tie into the title. And of course we do this format point every single week without fail. We went to the eternal supermarket and we picked a random lucky dip of drink. We had. We had some different options. We could have gone with Twint. We're not really sure what twint. Speaker 2 Is twint. Speaker 1 God bless Twint. It was very expensive and it was made of almost pure guava. Yeah, it looks disgusting. We could have gone with my favourite drink, which is called now now milk drink. Yeah, which was absolutely, I know. Want want milk drink? Speaker 2 Want one milk drink? Want one milk drink? Just what was it called? Just nutritious drink. Speaker 1 It was called the original nourishment. Speaker 2 No, the one that was in a can and looked like an apocalypse drink. Speaker 1 Yeah, that's the the original nourishment. OK, Yeah, yeah, it looked, it looked so heinous. And yet we could have done any of those. But no, we close our eyes, we had a little roulette and we found this, this horrible thing. This is not sponsored content. This is Mr Basil, like he drink. I'm not sure if you're seeing this on the camera, but the bits, My God, Mr Basil, what have you done? Speaker 2 Check Mr Basil's hard drive. Speaker 1 Check. I mean check Mr Basil in general, because that is the colour and consistency of semen. But with frog spawn in it, it's not OK. Mr Basil's been. Speaker 2 Dressed, Basil looked at semen. He was like, how can I make this worse? Speaker 1 Mr Basil saw jizz and just went. There's got to be a gap. Speaker 2 In the market but worse. Worst jizz. I like my bits with jizz and my jizz with bits. Speaker 1 I like my movie like I like my jizz. Speaker 2 I like my jizz like I like my comedians with bits. Speaker 1 With bits. Come on, come on, come on. That's almost nearly a joke. Very nice. So we're gonna drink this in memory of the format point that. Speaker 2 Was I've thought of a way that it can link to this story of the podcast? Speaker 1 May I? May I have it please? May I? Speaker 2 Which is that, you know, frog spawn where you know what it is? It's frogs, yeah. Speaker 1 Spoilers told Frogs it's gonna be. Speaker 2 Frogs one day, but out of frog spawn only. Like frog. A whole big clunk of clunk. Speaker 1 You know, a metric unit of clunk. Speaker 2 Clump is what I mean. OK, and hunk because were the two, it was the poor man's toe that I was using that a whole big hunk slash clump of frog spawn. You only get like 3 frogs out of it. All the rest of them die over the course of the evolution of the spawn. Terrible. Speaker 1 But then also Ouija is like 8 million sperm. Speaker 2 Exactly. And So what does it take to become one of the precious few frogs born out of the frog spawn Luck? Speaker 1 Good Lord, is she not just the most incredible structural storytelling? Let's absolutely pour this drink and we're going to prove that wrong. We we are back with Mr Basil's frog jizz and I can't stop looking. Speaker 2 And look how equidistant all of the bits are. Do you know what I mean? Like they're, they're they're almost artistically. Speaker 1 They're artistically placed. Are you saying this is sort of like AI generation? It's such an. Speaker 2 Obscure simile. You know anyone that went to drama school or did like theatre, You know when they make you walk around? Speaker 1 Room and prove in your own space. Find your own. Speaker 2 Space and you all have to kind of stay equidistant, that's what. Speaker 1 Are we about to drink a whole drama class? Yeah. Speaker 2 Because they're all clad in black. That's why the bits are black. Drama surgical we're drinking. Drama students we're. Speaker 1 Drinking drama students, Well, you know what? They are the horniest of the people, though. You need to get drunk. I don't like that Mister Basil's year's drink has legs. I don't like that it crawls down the glass. I. Speaker 2 Just really, I just think that there's like living things in here. Speaker 1 I can't wait to commit a sort of mass frog genocide with you in honour of a podcast. Cheers, gorgeous. Here we go. Ready. Let's get some. Let's get some slurps. Here we go. Me. Speaker 2 Oh, the bits. Speaker 1 The bits, honestly, Like we've mixed some truly horrible cocktails on this podcast. Speaker 2 Mr Basil's just blown us out, the women. Speaker 1 Mr Basil's come in with one ingredient and God, I can make it so much worse lads. Why are those? Why are they so slimy? Speaker 2 I'm going to go in for another. Speaker 1 Oh, fuck me. OK. Oh. Speaker 2 So what I did there was I used my front teeth to philtre out. Speaker 1 To block out the seeds. Speaker 2 The bits I'm. Speaker 1 Going to try the same. Speaker 2 But it's still kind of horrible when you do that. Speaker 1 Weirdly, that's worse because then they come and tickle my moustache. Oh, they want to live, they want to live. They want to climb. Speaker 2 Out don't kiss Beth today. Speaker 1 We need to dispose of this ethically. We can't dump this in a river, it will do. Speaker 2 What I mean come back. Speaker 1 Come back first. It'll be like the monster in Resident Evil. Yeah, it's gonna be a stalker. Disgusting, right? Jesenald Nixon. Speaker 2 Get that on my face. Oh. Speaker 1 God damn, that's disgusting. OK, Jesenald Nixon, what is our lovely topic for the day please? Speaker 2 OK, hey, it's forgotten the guy's name. Didn't really do any research. Oh my God, Barry Ferns invited me to play football with the rest of the cool kids from London. How cool is that? I think I might have to practise playing football. Speaker 1 Before, I really think that you don't think they'll be incredibly off brand of you to be good at football. Speaker 2 Yeah, I did say I sucked. I drunkenly left him a voice note being like, however much you think I suck, I suck more than that. Speaker 1 And then you paid him 30. Yeah. This is all comedy is it's. Speaker 2 Paper got the paper keeping the money moving. Speaker 1 The same 30 lbs going from humiliation kink to kink, right? What do we have here? What's this? What's the tale? Speaker 2 OK, so this it's just one guy. It's literally just about, oh, we're. Speaker 1 Going for We're going for biography today. Speaker 2 Yeah, pretty much. OK. His name? Frano Selak. Speaker 1 Frano Selak, lovely man. What is Frano Selak still? Why are we immortalising him on the world's most successful podcast? Speaker 2 The Americans are calling him Frane, and so I think I'm going to call him Frane too, 'cause it's about like fur at no air. So Frane. Speaker 1 Lovely. Speaker 2 OK so he is the what they call the luckiest and unluckiest man on earth. The reason being that he has had the most near death experiences of any person on earth. Have you ever had a near death experience? Speaker 1 Yes, I have. Actually. I've I've had several. The one that always gets brought up by my friends from back home as a humiliation story for me. Because it is. It's pure hubris in the. Speaker 2 World guy that would love that story. Speaker 1 Yeah, we do. Have I talked about the the Belgian Barn incident? Speaker 2 No. Speaker 1 The Belgian barn incident. There you have it. Basically, a little fat boy was I. I was trying to own it, lest other people would laugh at me. Of course, right when we were year Elevens, we would be allowed into town on our lunch break. It was a big honour. So we'd go and get ourselves a 2 LB Domino's and then while it was being cooked, go to the bakery. It's no wonder I was getting bigger. But on our way back from that bakery, basically my friend Matt had bought too many Belgian buns and he said they were too big. And he was like, I can't, I can't even like take a bite out of this is too much. And I being a toxic masculine big, large fat boy and was like, I could get the whole thing in my mouth. Actually, before you even said Tom, that's disgusting. And he was like gone. I'd like to see it. So he then just started saying the words Tom That's and before he'd even started disgusting. It was fully in the mouth. It was all in there. And they went, oh, that is gross. Actually didn't get the response. I wondered, thought it would be a huge pop. Speaker 2 Thought you'd be allowed to. Speaker 1 That that was a burnt kernel. That was a burnt kernel around the bottom of the pan. Awful. They continued to walk towards the pizza. I followed suit behind them. Speaker 2 You're like, get me the pizza next. Speaker 1 Right. Yeah, I was, I was, I was already thinking about my lovely personal pizza with, with sausage and bacon on the top of it. Lovely. But I was still dealing with the Belgian bun in the mouth. And it was about a minute in when I realised that this is not going to end well. Yeah. It was too big to come back out. It was too big to go down. But the mouth was convulsing and it was trying to put it down. So I was trying to bite it. Couldn't really get my teeth around it. Didn't know what was happening. It ended up getting stuck halfway into my throat, I couldn't really get it up or out. So what happened was I was sort of collapsing onto the ground in front of the glass fronted Costa in Alton town centre. So a lot of people on their lunch break was watching a boy in. Speaker 2 A little. Speaker 1 Fat ginger boy. Fat ginger lad in school uniform basically retched like a cat with a furball like cat cowing in front of them. My friend Ed upon seeing this. He claims he was trying to save my life, but the way he did it was the most violent thing I've ever seen because instead of patting me on the back, he just came in and just with full, like, fists rolled up, was just beating the shit out. Yeah, that's all. Yeah, just beating the absolute shit out. Me. I thought he thought I was gonna die and thought I wanted to do this for ages. I just want. I just. Speaker 2 Wanna get him out? Tell he'll be dead. Speaker 1 Exactly. It's the perfect crime despite all these witnesses basically what happened was my my the combination of the beating and my minutes of retching yes finally got on up in this horrible wet yellow nasty clump lot of bile in there truly one of the most disgusting things you've ever seen and as that happened I someone we hadn't seen it's called Connor walked past with his new girlfriend and I was like nice to meet you. Oh God, really like dripping with horror as it went fast but like there was genuine a moment during that that whole sequence where I thought I'm gonna die here. This is how this is how I go. I like. Speaker 2 When I fainted in the shower the first time, I was like, are they gonna find me naked? And that was like, my final thought before I blacked out was like, they gonna see me naked. And it's like, you're just so fat that you're like, well, I guess I'll just die. Speaker 1 So funny that you're a point of like the I was gonna say, what's the opposite of body positivity? I've worked it up. Body negativity, not that hard. You're a point of body negativity where you are having a near death experience and the first thing you think of is like, how does this relate to my fatness? Speaker 2 Yeah, I've been trying to make it into a bit for so long because it's genuinely true and I have said it on stage a few times. There was a point where my body confidence was so low that you could blackmail me by threatening to send a picture of me naked to my boyfriend. Speaker 1 Yeah, OK. That's a good bit. I like that a lot. Speaker 2 People get too sad. It's so annoying being likeable on stage because people don't like it when you absolutely go to town on being horrible. Speaker 1 But also, if everyone's viewing you as a sort of dominatrix type and you're swanning around high status, don't want that shorter. Speaker 2 Things at once. Let me be a fucking dominatrix who hates herself. Speaker 1 Well then, then do it in that fucking voice that's high status. Go in there and just sort of be like, I was so fat like this. No, you go like, yeah. And I was correct, actually. Yeah. I tell you what, you don't know that I actually lived. I did my teenage years properly, thank you very much. Sorry. Were you skinny? You fucked up. Yeah. You don't have these forms. Speaker 2 Of I wanted to say that at the top of your story as well. That little guy that was like, I can't even take a bite of my OK, pick me. Speaker 1 Yeah, I know, right? Speaker 2 I mean, I'm not. Speaker 1 Gonna lie. Rabs is 100% the type of guy who would message you for very big situation. He's got that vibe. Speaker 2 You pathetic little weasel. Speaker 1 Don't give it away for free Don't give it away for free. Why have I gone into business with someone with such a poor? Speaker 2 Horrible on the on the. Speaker 1 Fundamentals of supply and demand anyway. OK so yes, I have had some near death experiences. They were not pleasant. What? How can you quantify being the man with the most near death experiences? Who's tracking this? Whose job is it in the government? Speaker 2 I guess it's being the most vocal about it. Maybe there's some people that have also. I guess there's a bunch of people that probably have had more and don't know because some of the a lot of time you don't know you've had one. My one thanks for asking is that one time. Speaker 1 You said yours. You slipped in the shower. Speaker 2 No that wasn't my near death. My near death experience was when I was on inter railing when I was 19 and I cleaned my teeth. Speaker 1 Oh, you told me that's. Speaker 2 My is it if I told the podcast I think? Speaker 1 You told the podcast Yeah, but one more time for our brand new slate of. Speaker 2 Business, sorry if you've heard it already, but I was cleaning my teeth and I spat my fucking toothpaste out of the window of the train and stuck my head out of the window, which is very inadvisable and you shouldn't do it. And then when I withdrew my head, literally less than two seconds later a train came past that would have absolutely taken my head immediately off my body. And thank God I didn't brush my teeth for the whole 2 minutes or else I wouldn't be here now anyway. You spend. Speaker 1 The rest of the train just be like imagine if they saw my fat headless body. Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd probably lie down and my, my, my, I would. Well, I would definitely lie down because I'd be dead, but like my body would hit the ground and my. Speaker 1 So much eerie if you just stay remaining. Speaker 2 Stood but that I truly believe that such is my volition to not be undignified in my death. My my headless body would hit the ground and my top would ride up and even though I had no head and was dead, my arms would still just like drag my top down to cover my tummy. Speaker 1 You know when you said they say that when you're decapitated your brain is actually still active like 2 minutes. So you're thinking and. Speaker 2 Feeling my head just by the side of the tracks like get your top. Speaker 1 Exactly. And just put it down just over the over the top, over the muffin top, just down, down a little bit. If if you could, if that's alright. Could you fix my posture, Put me back upright, upright. Thank you. Thank you. Can you squeeze my arms together so my booze sort of pop, pop better, better. Thank you very much. Speaker 2 Actually. Speaker 1 God bless. OK, so yeah, like the idea of yeah, quantifying who who is the man with the most near death experience, It feels like this guy just got good press. Speaker 2 I think he does. I think he really enjoys talking about it. To be fair. He's in the agency. Yeah, and, and to be fair, I just really enjoy talking about it, so I get it. Speaker 1 So what's happened to Mr Mr Was it Frane? Speaker 2 Mr Frane. Frane Salad. Speaker 1 Franey boy, what happened? Speaker 2 To Franey. So he Dick Franey, I actually don't know where he's from for somewhere in the like, when did I go back? Somewhere in like the dumpling bit of Europe, dumpling bit of Europe, yeah. Like the dumpling sea area bit of Europe, the cold dumpling and bread bit of yeah. Speaker 1 Eternal winter, steamed food. Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly that and and if you are from there and have fun with that, fuck off and and consider seasoning. OK? Yeah. Speaker 1 Salt and pepper cost. Well, they do cost something, but God damn put it. Speaker 2 In I learned a fun fact the other day. The word salary comes from the word salt because it's from Roman times, and the Romans used to get paid in salt. Yeah, and that's why it's called salary. Anyway, subscribe to the Patreon. More fun facts. Speaker 1 Most, most of the time, we threaten that the patrons get flesh. They just get a bit. Speaker 2 No tits today boys, just facts. Speaker 1 Just fun facts, money coming in and teaching you about the Romans. Speaker 2 We've had tits for the main and facts for pudding. Speaker 1 Yummy. I love chocolate Stew with lovely fruit salad for pudding. Thanks for my vitamins last. Speaker 2 Chocolate came to the UK in 1860. Speaker 1 I'm getting double pudding. Yay more. Lovely education. Speaker 2 What could be more delicious than knowledge? Speaker 1 Love that. Now now boys don't fill up on tits. You've got knowledge for pudding. Speaker 2 Nothing tastes as good as clever feels good. See, it's so hard to do the story when we're being so fun I. Speaker 1 Know, I know. Let's just derail the flow. Come on back into framing. Speaker 2 So as an adult, forget about everything else that happened to him because I don't know about it and the Wikipedia page isn't telling me. But as an adult, Frane Seller moved to Bosnia and worked for a quite a long time as a music teacher, learning how learning how to play the piano should be teaching. Speaker 1 Just like me for for real. Speaker 2 Fucking let anyone edit Wikipedia these days. Teaching piano. And he was married and had a son. He's had a lot of divorces as well, and I think that maybe all of the women that he's divorcing, like paying Etsy witches. This all happened in the 70s so Etsy witches didn't Etsy. Speaker 1 Which is were there, but they were just much harder. Speaker 2 They weren't on Etsy, but they were there because he just has a very cursed life and hence his appearance on the podcast. So his first near death experience occurred in 1957 when he and a group of students were on a field trip. In a place that I don't know how to say and I can't be bothered to try and work it out. And he was riding the school bus after having dropped the children off. So it's just him and the bus driver, who, by the way, is an alcoholic. But that's not even why the bus crashed. And he's been an alcoholic for years. You know how in like 50s, sixties, 70s, everyone's an alcoholic and everyone was on drugs and it was always fine and nothing bad happened? Speaker 1 It was playful. Yeah, it was just playful. Speaker 2 And, and genuinely, I I'm not even being facetious, I actually mean it. Like I really think it was usually fine that people were doing that anyway it. Speaker 1 Was it was just the casualness of just over oh, don't worry about him, he's the town drunk. Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. And he's harmless and he's. Speaker 1 Harmless. He's a bit of character around. Speaker 2 Yeah, If anything, he'll save you from an assailant anyway. Actually, at one time I was in Camden. Not the time I was most recently in Camden, but the other day I was in Camden and a homeless man came up and talked to me and I talked to him for a bit. And then? Speaker 1 He's dressed like. Speaker 2 Jesus, I'm such a good guy. And then he walked into the road and I was like, oh fuck, don't walk into the road. And he stopped all the traffic and then he was like, this lady has to cross the road so you'll have to stop. Do you know what I mean? He, like he like Lollipop, manned me. Speaker 1 I'm immediately off this guy's side because this is performative chivalry and he was hoping that you would then pay. Speaker 2 For him or something. I know, I know, but it did make me feel kind of queenly. Speaker 1 And let's be fair here, I am the expert I performed of chivalry cause Jesse just witnessed did not go well for me. I went to go and meet Jesse in the deli. Across the road from me a woman was trying to leave the deli. I held the door open for and with big gestures large cartoon judgement no no no after you please. Expecting her to be like thank you and take my first born as payment like I was waiting for the big moment. She didn't see me and I was stood there for what, 30 seconds while Jesse cackled like a witch behind her. Speaker 2 And then I said embarrassing. Speaker 1 Very loudly. Exactly. Horrible, horrible moment. Felt so small. 20 more pounds for Jesse. Anyway, more framing. Speaker 2 So he's crashed riding the school bus and the fucking bus crashes cause the the steering wheel comes off so they can't steer it so then it crashes. Speaker 1 Classic Etsy, which moved, to be fair. Yeah, gotta be filled with a bit of whimsy. Speaker 2 But he was literally fine, so the bus crashed into a wall. Speaker 1 Buster Keaton, He. Speaker 2 Had a good one that's. Speaker 1 So slapstick. Yeah. I can only imagine the the weird combo of sheer panic but also mild humour, because that is a good gag. Yeah, that's a good bit. Speaker 2 Yeah, it's. Speaker 1 Really comes off. Speaker 2 Great. This guy's like Buster Keaton. Who? But Buster Keaton didn't want to be in films. Speaker 1 He's Buster Keaton. Speaker 2 Yeah, Oh my God, Get this guy on stage. Get. Speaker 1 This guy on a fucking stage is what I've been saying, lads. Yeah, what I've been saying. Speaker 2 Wow, so it's so obvious on the podcast where I stop listening to you 'cause I'm reading the next thing it's. Speaker 1 It's so obvious wow how crippling the ADHD is when you're you've got two things you need to focus on, you can't do either then this is. Speaker 2 Why? I wish I would do research sufficiently that I didn't need to read. Speaker 1 It actually was yet in your body and could come out naturally. But no, let's keep reading his Wikipedia page, shall we? Speaker 2 Yeah, which all of you could literally do for free and I don't know why. Oh. Speaker 1 Yeah, you should, we should we should start a read along session and see how quickly people unsubscribe from us 'cause like we got one line down we. Speaker 2 It's free of charge. Yeah, we've been talking for like an hour and a half. OK, so then in 1962, one year before Doctor Who came out on the BBC. Speaker 1 Is all of your life measured in like? Speaker 2 Before times it's it's throwing your shit out of the window. 16661066 and then 1963 and those are my reference points and then 9/11 and that's. Speaker 1 It always got to make sure 90 lives is the captain. Speaker 2 90 Lovely. OK, so he's 92. He's he's boarded a train from Sarajevo to Dubrovnik. On return from work, he was riding with the elderly mother of a mayor, a mayor of Ston. Ston sounds funny. He who had entrusted her into Sellers care while riding through a Canyon during rainy weather. The train derailed after a mudslide and the train plunged into the cavern below. And he held on to this elderly lady and hold her nose with the other hand before he broke the window of their cart with his elbow. Oh and swam towards the land. So they were plunging into a into a river. Speaker 1 I see. OK, that was this Wikipedia is almost as. Speaker 2 Bad as we are, Yeah. Yeah. Fucking hell. He's like, hold my hand with this hand and hold your nose with the other hand. I see. And then he breaks. Speaker 1 Just like a good little guy. Yeah, this is also. He is jumping from public transport to public transport and it's burning him every time. Yeah. At this point, it's only Flighter walking that he's got left. Speaker 2 Well, exactly, and he doesn't actually have those left. Spoiler. Speaker 1 It's just gonna be a guy who just slowly has all of his options taken away from. Speaker 2 Everything looking as a non driver. Like I relate so hard to this public transport king. This is so amazing. Speaker 1 Just he was an environmentalist that was getting unfairly punished. Speaker 2 Yeah, it's, it'd be like that when you can't drive. So 17 other passengers drowned just to like give you an idea that it was actually quite a. Speaker 1 A major event. Speaker 2 Yeah, but he's 5 and so did she and that was great. And and in the nickname. Speaker 1 That's How I Met your mother. Speaker 2 Threko for kick, which means the lucky 1 by friends. So that was all good. Then in 1963, Oh my God, Doctor Who's probably out. While teaching at a school in Dravor as part of his service in a military band, he received a call that his mother was hospitalised for complications with diabetes. So he headed for the Leuco airfield near Zagreb and boarded ADCA, which was taking off for its first flight with a total of 7. Speaker 1 Here we go, public transport. Speaker 2 Crackling. This was his first and only plane ride. Speaker 1 Yeah, 'cause he was literally like, well, that looks more dangerous than bus and train and I'm not at a good time. Speaker 2 No, but wouldn't you be like if you'd had bus and train incidents, you'd be like, there's no fucking way that plane is? Speaker 1 Absolutely not. Speaker 2 No, I'd be like, they're not gonna get me three times, fool me once, whatever it is this. Speaker 1 Is why you're gonna die in your 30s. Did what did you say? Fool me once? Alright, then what? Speaker 2 What is? Oh, fool me, what's shame on you? You fool me twice. Shame. Speaker 1 On me. Speaker 2 Yeah, Or as Donald, Donald Trump once famously said, fool me once, can't get fooled again. Speaker 1 I loved your version. It was fool me once, fool, the fool involved. Speaker 2 Whatever it is, what's fool? Speaker 1 Who's fooling you? Fooling. Speaker 2 But yeah, I'm looking at the plane. I'm being like the I'm pointing at the sky and being like the cunts up there can't fuck me over the thrice. Yeah, there's. Speaker 1 No, there's no lads up there. The steering wheel can't come off a plane. Speaker 2 Exactly. I must surely be 100% safe, but no. Oh. Speaker 1 Brainy this is a this is a screenplay needing to happen. This is so fucking funny. Speaker 2 Yeah, it's really funny. I'm trying to remember what happened with the plane, What actually happened? Oh, there was a loud noise and some of the plane collapsed and then the exit behind him opened and the changing air pressure sucked him out of the plane and he fell 800 metres, losing consciousness before landing in a haystack. Speaker 1 Cut Fuck off, he Assassin's creeded his way back down to Earth. Speaker 2 He spent four days in a coma and then woke up in the Department of Traumatology. Speaker 1 Well, and they were just like fraying again is. Speaker 2 It no fractures did. Speaker 1 You try travelling again, fraying. Speaker 2 No fractures, no other serious injuries. Speaker 1 Absolutely cooked Jesus Christ. Speaker 2 It's it's mental. Speaker 1 That's absolutely insane. I cannot believe that the Assassin's Creed jump into a hay Bale is a real thing. Yeah, mental. Speaker 2 Yeah, it's, it's absolutely crazy. Speaker 1 Although the game would be a lot worse if every time you did it you had to go to hospital for four days. What's having a good time with that? Fuck's sake, What, are you enjoying your game? Honey, I've got concussion again. I can't manage this. I'm in traumatology one more time. Speaker 2 Actually this is how it feels being dyspraxic. So then. Speaker 1 You can relate to this guy fine, but you can't map random parts of yourself onto him falling out of a. Speaker 2 Place so frame coded. Speaker 1 I'm so frame coded you don't understand. I struggle with like sort of balancing plates and pans and pots and it's just like falling out of a. Speaker 2 Place. It's a bit like nearly time then in. Speaker 1 A way I've got it worse. Speaker 2 1966 But three years into the production of Selleck rode another bus to split. He's an idiot. He's an. Speaker 1 Absolute idiot. Speaker 2 Yeah, for me once. Can't get fooled again. The bus skidded off the road and into a river, drowning 4 passages, but he swam to shore. Speaker 1 You have to imagine as it starts veering at this point, there's No Fear, just. Speaker 2 He's like fuck you. Speaker 1 I guess I know what to do with this. I do. We think he just thinks this is what buses are. Speaker 2 Yeah, or I think he just think this is what everyone's life is like does everyone really does. Speaker 1 Like he just hears I'm taking the bus to work. He was like, I don't know, you got the energy, man. Speaker 2 Stay safe, Matt. Yeah. Speaker 1 God, that sounds tiring. Yeah, Buses are hard work. And everyone's agreeing with like, it is the commute's really hard. And he's just sat there thinking you have to swim every time. Yeah. Do you like? Do you pack that? Speaker 2 It's like they make you pay. Why it's? Speaker 1 So weird that they do like ticketing for that. It's just it's. Speaker 2 Gonna end up in the river. I don't know what they're doing these. Speaker 1 Crazy modern times. Speaker 2 So funny. Then, in 1972, Selleck was driving. Speaker 1 Britain's television culture has been changed forever for nearly a decade. Speaker 2 Jimmy Savile's on the scene now. Speaker 1 We're not saying it was Doctor Who's fault, but the correlation is really. Speaker 2 Saying that Jimmy Savile tried to kill this guy, but they are both that apparently. Speaker 1 Imagine if he fucking wrote in just like Hello Jim, will you fix it for me? Every form of transport tries to kill me. I. Speaker 2 Keep nearly dying, Jim. Speaker 1 Jim, please, God hates me. Jim, can you fix it, please? Speaker 2 God hates me and. Speaker 1 Loves you I love the idea of him sending a letter ago Jim, why has God ordained you as a as a man who can get away with any. Speaker 2 Paedophile. But you are rich and famous and happy and I'm a nice little guy and keeping it a. Speaker 1 Pleasant music teacher who God needs to exterminate and yet you, famed and very obvious paedophile, are rewarded. Speaker 2 And what was Selleck gonna do with his life that meant that he God kept trying to kill him so much? Speaker 1 Like he, it must be like hit the two at this point, like he was gonna really curdle or something. Maybe once it got to the Internet age he would start becoming a kingpin or something vile. But yeah, at the moment he seems like a wholesome man who just can't. Speaker 2 Travel. All he wants is teach music. Speaker 1 He's a little guy trying to learn how to play the piano. Speaker 2 Yeah, mental. Anyway, he was driving on the highway and from Zagreb to Bosnia with his wife. Speaker 1 The only one left, Carlos, he's got. Speaker 2 When his wife noticed a strong gasoline smell. Yeah. He's like, I'm in car. Car is car. Speaker 1 I'm doing car. Yeah. I can't fuck. Lovely. Speaker 2 Car. Nothing could go wrong with Car and his wife smells a strange burning smell. He assured her that it's normal because he's like Nah, weird stuff doesn't happen to me. Like nothing bad ever happens. Speaker 1 To me, we're travelling, you're. Speaker 2 Being fucking crazy. Why are you being so paranoid about me nearly dying? Fucking grow up so. Speaker 1 Funny, rational being in cars, like, can you smell burning? And he's like, trust me, not the worst thing that can happen. OK, now until you're being sucked out the back of this car, not hearing it. Speaker 2 This is going, he literally gaslit, no pun intended, his wife so much, she said. Apparently she's like smells like burning in the car. And he goes, what would a car smell like? Certainly not chocolate. And then the car caught fire. Speaker 1 OK, maybe this guy fucking sucks. Maybe this guy sucks like a tiny bit. Speaker 2 He was left unharmed with only some singed hair. Then a year later, in 1973, the same wife noticed the same smell of gas. This time he pulled over and ran away just before the car burst into flames. How fucking crazy. How? Speaker 1 Insane is this man's life, but it's just turning into an incredible silent film. I can literally hear a soundtrack to like piano like as he's legging it away from anything with wheels. Speaker 2 We're not even done. Just please. Speaker 1 Tell me it's bike. Speaker 2 In 1995, one year before Jesse was born, and I believe the year that Tom was born, No 94, No 93. Speaker 1 Correct. Don't look at me like 93 is inconceivable. Speaker 2 I just thought you were one year older than me I guess. Speaker 1 You're 2? No, I'm an old boy. Speaker 2 OK, not as old as Greg. I can't believe Greg's 35. No. Speaker 1 No, right. I mean, you don't have a wife. Speaker 2 I suppose he does. You can't have a wife before you're 35. No the. Speaker 1 Government. The government won't give you a licence. Speaker 2 They won't give you a wife. Speaker 1 They just won't. You've got to fill out the permit and. Speaker 2 It's like you're not mature until you're at least 34. In 1995, Salek was struck. Struck this. So he's walking now. OK. You think walking should be safe? Struck by a bus? Speaker 1 What's up? A good gang? You know what? Anything that moves will try and kill me. I see your game. I'm gonna walk pancakes by a bus. Speaker 2 You know when the Oscar and there's like a a series and the the series 1 villain comes back in Series 3, but he's not a villain this time. It's like the opposite of that. Speaker 1 It's like how in Star Wars they were like, oh God, we don't know what to do. The Emperor's back for some reason. Speaker 2 The bus is back, but it's evil now. Speaker 1 Somehow, Bus has returned. He's back. Speaker 2 Yeah, it was a head on collision, but he only sustained minor injuries. I don't know. Speaker 1 At this this point, if we're going villain arc and all the transports trying to kill him, then how ineffectual will they be in your boss? He's just a guy. You could have, you could have won. Come on, boss. Speaker 2 It's it's, it's mental. I think that's it because of the last paragraph is just how we're talking about how he's in a jazz band. Speaker 1 And thankfully they are stationary. As long as he stands very still, no danger can happen to him. I'm, I mean, thank you for reeling us with the most slapstick tail we've ever had before we do that. I did know it was on his Wikipedia page. There is a section called Scepticism and I do want to know. Speaker 2 Oh, and death and how. Speaker 1 Did he die? How did he actually die? Speaker 2 Died of 87, doesn't say. Wow. Speaker 1 I'm in a helicopter. He's like, it doesn't have wheels. Speaker 2 He just died of time then. Speaker 1 He died of time, Time got him. Wow, old Father time all in the end I. Speaker 2 Really, the horse kisses us all in the end. Speaker 1 Got that lovely call back well done, lady. I I always find the idea of died of old age a really funny 'cause like, oh, we don't have natural causes. No, no, no. Like you just got so weak that something horrible happened to you and paper went, yeah, it's about. Speaker 2 Right. You just rotted. Yeah, that's. Speaker 1 Exactly what that is, what it is, is like you had catastrophic liver failure. Yeah, but they went because you're 85, we're gonna say that's natural old. Yeah. That's what we expect of you, actually. Speaker 2 That's what should have happened, if anything. Yeah, be surprised if you didn't die of that. Speaker 1 But I don't want to die and someone look at my body and go, Oh yeah, no, that was natural. That should have happened that way. I. Speaker 2 Don't understand at all when people want to be really old, I just, I really want to die. I want to die at like maybe 86. Speaker 1 That he's really old. I want to die 65. Speaker 2 Now that's too young. Nah. Speaker 1 Fuck that, I want to see. Speaker 2 My dad is 77 and he's grand. Speaker 1 Out. Get him. Out, get him gone. Get him gone. Speaker 2 That's weird. Speaker 1 That's that's my whole pitch. Kill me at 65, I don't have to take a pension and I can get out of here before I eventually curdle and become racist. Speaker 2 How old are you now? Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd be halfway. Speaker 2 So you're halfway. Speaker 1 I'd be halfway through and let me tell you, my body hurts every day. You tell me you want to do this one more time. I'm going to do all of this again. Speaker 2 Well, I'm 30 so yeah, I would like to do it twice at least not twice then about. Speaker 1 90. Speaker 2 No, but nearly twice. I'd like to do twice in -5 years. Speaker 1 Getting that I I would still like at my funeral for people to say such a shame not it was time. Speaker 2 I know, yeah. Speaker 1 That's not a good vibe. You want, you want to be taken before your time because otherwise people have already processed your grief. They. Speaker 2 Weren't really stressed about actually with getting old is having to get to places so early in order to give myself time to like. Like the other day I was watching someone walk down the stairs of the tube and they were taking ages to get down the stairs because they were so old and I was like you must have to leave for your destination like 2 hours before. Speaker 1 You get up at 6:00 AM. Speaker 2 Yeah, but I've got a doctor's appointment. I just want to. I just I'll definitely die before I get up at 6:00 AM to get to Tottenham Court Rd. Speaker 1 This is the real London news that I would rather die than be an inconvenience to commuters. Speaker 2 Yeah, don't let me. When I saw him going down the stairs I was like, I either want to help you or kill you. Speaker 1 Yeah, I want to RIP you in half, or yeah, pick you up and carry you to your destination as fast. Speaker 2 As you can maybe help you by killing you, I don't know. I did have a look at the scepticism tab, but it was really long and I couldn't be bothered to look at it. But it's probably safe to say that there were some sceptics involved in this story because it's quite a crazy story and also things people are sceptical of everything in life, you know? Speaker 1 And look at that raconteur ship. Fucking gorgeous. Well done. Thank you for being here, for serving. Speaker 2 Also, sorry, I just we didn't do any, we didn't do a Jingle for the cocktail. We didn't do him. We didn't do anything. Let's. Speaker 1 Natural, natural flight. Let's. Speaker 2 Just let's just do you want us to stop doing cursed cocktails? Speaker 1 Because I do, I do. I do like it, I love it. It's not the work thing, it's more the fact that we are unorganised people and I think it will just be around for a surprise little treat when it happens. I know, it's just that when it's literally. Speaker 2 Everyone listening to this has autism and I feel like they might find it quite hard that there was no musical interlude at all. Speaker 1 That's fine because they've also all got ADHD so they will like some novel input and different every single time you. Speaker 2 Don't want to do you, don't want me to do a freestyle rap right now. Apologising for the last. Speaker 1 As an outro, I absolutely do. If you take us away, please on an outro before we do that, if you would like some bonus content, if you'd like to see more of Jesse's flesh, you can find it at Serving Cursed Patreon. You can go to patreon.com/serving Cursed. You can give us a couple of bucks a month. There are really, really fun stuff on there. Now. We've got a big treasure trove of videos. We've got a lovely tiny little community of people who support us every month. It really helps the show out and it makes Jesse feel special because that's the one place where people crave her body as opposed to denigrate it. Yes, you've got 40 seconds to wrap away. OK, OK. Well. Speaker 2 You're gonna remix it those. I'm going to let it if. Speaker 1 It's more embarrassing if you don't let it lie. Then I'll do that. Speaker 2 I hate You 35 seconds 123 J Nick's on the track apologising for the lack of cursed cocktail Jingle. Sorry, I'm single, busy bullying my pay pigs. Couldn't do a Jingle. Didn't do a Jingle. Fuck you if you have a problem with that. Speaker 1 I've missed you. We'll see you soon. See you on the Patreon if you're listening. If you're not, fucking do it and give us money. Pay. Pick them quickly. Speaker 2 Yeah, you fucking little pieces of shit, you maggots. Stop paying you. Speaker 1 Hey maggots, we love you maggots. Bye.