Episode 351 - The Dr. Cloud Show - Shorts - The Myth of Self-Help

[MUSIC] Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast. This is Albi, the producer of the Dr. Cloud show. We are happy to have you back with us. In this highlight, Dr. Cloud's going to dispel the myth of self-help, all help comes from outside of ourselves. We have to get out of our closed circle in order to break through and learn new things. But advice is cheap and you can get it anywhere. You have to turn to people that have the skills, energy, and/or intelligence to really help you. Whatever gap you want to close in your life, try doing it on your own, but realize that you may need help. When you learn that you're not in a closed circle with your problems, you can open that door and get help from the outside that actually knows about the solutions to the problems you're facing, you will grow and overcome. And speaking of getting some help, if you haven't checked it out yet, take a look at boundaries.me. It's on a free trial. We've got all kinds of courses there that can help you out, including courses on learning about your people picker, figuring out who the right person is to trust, to save. We've also got a course specifically on asking for help. In addition to that, there's over a hundred other courses on a wide variety of topics. We've got daily coaching emails where Dr. Cloud comes into your inbox and gives you a short two to four minute thing to work on that day. One simple thing you can work on that day, as well as a very supportive community where you can share your progress and learn about other people that are going through the same things you're going through. It's all again on a 14 day free trial. And if you're already a member, check out the course, your people picker. Do you know how to pick the right people? And our other mini course on asking for help. We hope you join us there and enjoy this podcast. Thanks so much. I want to explore with you my utter hatred and contempt for a term, especially, I'm not trying to take it personally, but sometimes I even get accused of it when somebody says, oh yeah, you're right, self-help books. I want to pull my eyebrows out. If I ever hear that, I do not write self-help books. You know why? Because I hate that term self-help. It is the biggest oxymoron. I mean, there's a lot of big oxymorons, right? You know, adult child. Oh, I've got an adult child issue. Well, come on, they're a child or an adult. Let's decide on one. Self-help. Let me rail on this for a moment. I don't know how the genre got to be called self-help. Maybe because people were working on their problems and they're reading a book and they're going to try to implement some stuff. That's great. That's great. But even the fact that you gave somebody a book is not self-help. We got help from outside of ourselves. Okay? Think about this. Self-help. Now, if I am the self that needs help, if I'm the problem, how am I also going to be the answer? Because if I got the answer, then I'm not the problem, am I? Think about that. Here's why I hate that term so much. If there's something that I'm able to do, this is going to help my life, I'm able to do it. I don't need help. I'm just maybe lazy and I need to repent. I need to go work, working, performing, do what I'm not doing, that I'm able to do. And able is the big word I want to camp out here. I'm camp out on here. Abel. If I'm able to do something, I don't need help. I need to have my butt kicked to tell me to go do it. That's great. But that's not self-help. That's repentance from laziness or not trying or fear or something. Help is a different story. Help is when I reach the point where I need help. You know, see somebody out there swimming, swimming laps. That's a great Olympic swimmer saying, help, help. Who do you see asking for help? The one that's going under, they can't keep themselves above water. Okay. And I would submit to you that all of us have gaps in our lives. Okay. Gaps in our lives where here's where I'd like to be, here's where I need to be, and here's where I am. And I've got this gap. And to get up that gap, I'm going to need somebody to extend the hand to me to pull me up or come along down where I am and give me help to help me get up and climb it. Climb out at all. Everything we know about life and performance and performance enhancement comes in the context of relationship, external help that comes to us, encourages us. Love that word of the box. It's encouraged one another. Encourage, put courage into someone, support one another, heal one another, encourage one another, teach one another, confront one another, model for one another, give to one another, provide for one another. Think about that. To get better, we got to reach the end of ourselves. And we have to get out of that close circle. And we have to reach out to God and to other people. But specific kinds of other people, somebody that's bringing something to the party. All right. I want somebody showing up. This got something to bring to help me. A lot of times what we do is we look for help, but we look in the wrong places because what does it require? It requires. Somebody is going to bring the energy, positive energy to help us, positive energy that they want us to win, positive energy that they're going to come alongside and pick us up. Sometimes when we can't pick ourselves up and somebody's got the strength to do that. But not only the energy, they also got to have the intelligence because there's a lot of people, a lot of zeal that want to help you, but they don't know what they're talking about. What they're telling you is not going to help with the addiction or the depression or the anxiety or the relationship or whatever. Turn to people that bring something to the party that's helpful in the way of wisdom and intelligence and experience, advice is cheap. Anybody will give you advice and you have to weigh it. Who's it coming from? How many people in your situation have they helped? Have they walked through? Have they ever been in that situation themselves? How did they get out of it? What did they learn? What's the wisdom? Right, other people are just telling you what you ought to be doing. So I want you to get to whatever gap you want to close in your life. I want you to go from here to there and it will tell you, if you can do it, do it. Great. Go do it. Go do it. But if you can't, you need help. And when you learn, when you learn that you're not a closed circle stuck in the prison of your depression or addiction or relationship problem, that you're not in a jail cell, that you can open the door and reach out to the outside world to God and to other people that actually know something about the gap that you're facing. Then the limits begin to get blown away. They just get blown away. Because this relationship that gives us energy and gives us new intelligence, it gives us modeling, it gives us help and structure and encouragement and courage and wisdom. That's how it happens. And then we internalize that. And one of the biggest, biggest, biggest, biggest reasons that we need relationship to help us is because of the way the human brain and psyche is constructed. We internalize functions from the outside. I'll leave you with this and then we'll go to some collars. But we internalize functions from the outside. When your computer needs to be able to function at a higher level, you don't tell it, get committed, you can do it. Get some self help. No, you go online and you download the new code or the new program or the new app from the server. Okay? You get it from outside. You download it. It gets internalized. Think about this. A toddler, you take him for a walk, they go to the curb. They step out the curb. Mom or dad goes, no, wait. Look both ways. Okay, now let's go. The next day, you go, the toddler steps off the curb. Look both ways. You do that however many times. And one day a toddler walks up to the curb and they go, Mommy, no, wait. Look both ways. What have they done? They have internalized the help that they got from outside themselves. And now it's a part of them. And when we're upset, we don't, we can't calm down and mom or dad or loved one grandma, somebody picks us up and soothes us. We internalize that self, it is called a self-suiting system that's internalized from a thousand, a thousand expressions of that from outside. And then you find yourself at work and you're cubicle. And the boss does something. It starts to get upset and you go, okay, take a deep breath. It's going to be okay. You're repeating to yourself what was internalized in those regulatory systems emotionally, psychologically. Now have been internalized. That's why we need other people. Because God has wired us to take from other people and it becomes part of ourselves. So get out of your clothes circle if you need to get better. Don't depend on self-help. Reach out to God and reach out to wise people who know what they're doing and who would bring the energy and the commitment and the wisdom to help you. Hey folks, thanks so much for listening. If you like that, we've got even more of it over at boundaries.me. It's worth checking out on a free trial. Just go to www.boundries.me and click start free trial or click the link in the description. We've got courses on managing your time and energy using mindfulness to ease anxiety, changing your negative thinking patterns, the psychology of happiness, and over a hundred other courses. You can find it all at boundaries.me. All right folks, that does it for today. We'll see you again this week with another podcast.