Episode 33 – Victoria from Tennesee

[Music] And if you want to, I'll get you flowers Waiting around the bend Baby let's just pretend I want to stay like this forever I want to stay right here with you I want to stay right here with you Hello and welcome to another episode of interview with this friend I'm your host, Duncan Samlissinger And today I have a great pleasure from Victoria with me. Victoria is 45 years old and is from Tennessee in the United States of America So welcome to the show Victoria, how you doing today? I'm doing pretty good, I'm doing this part Yeah, that's great, you know I think it takes a lot of guts to appear on camera to talk about this illness So props to you You know, that's You know, it's just great really I'm just, I'm totally You know, happy to speak to a few today So Victoria, why want to ask you the first question? Could you give us a brief background of your mental health difficulties? If we go back to the beginning, what were your first symptoms? And how it changed in dyskithyl freinia? You know, how your psychosis began? You know, if you like to talk about that, that would be fantastic Well, I don't know if anything to do with the fact that I had a bark effect That only when the hospital was open And the new surgery until I was about three To try to fix that I have memories that I didn't really have Until I started getting more stable on medication in my 30s Of just different things throughout my childhood Like when I was really little I would have reoccurring dreams of like a figure chasing me Dark shadows Just things that One would put off as a two day dream So speak I believe my I would see them real and move around and things like that And then From the throughout, throughout, you know, the um. You know, kids will be kids and my sisters and one of my cousins actually um, a stuffed animals And that really Yeah, and they were my real friends and everything and other than they were dead And uh. There's just. No, I would have like things that I would later have worked for that it didn't have worked for would be it I feel like I went flying with like some spirit or something with me What really happened from my experience with doctors is that of. I did well hiding that I was You know, strange or mentally disturbed, you know, I thought I would see some monster in If anybody really knew me they, you know, thrown me away, locked the door and you know, never Never turned back But um. I was uh. 17 I had good. my parents were very good um. To me and my sisters um. The um. had everything we needed, wanted, whatever Um. But there was a lot of bullying from one of my sisters um. And a lot of bullying from. On the bus I would ride every day A lot of stress, the stress moment when I'm in stress, repeated stress, that fight or fought You know, adrenaline, whatever, just. Just me into that supersonic um. kind of. I've had a lot of oversuitry, since Rio Reload I'm not making any sense right now because I'm so nervous And it's hard to organize yourself That's fine, I know you got diagnosed with depression at 18 Yeah um. At 17 um. had the stress of my grandmother Passing away and both my sister's stress of them being in weddings It was. I was flutting out of the twelfth grade And I was just running around with the wrong crowd then And just. I was still working at school and everything And it was just so much um. I just had to get some help And the doctor just diagnosed me into stress Um. I really had not had that much Send them. it doesn't seem goes, you know, with me I had to diagnose as thoroughly about polar one About age 22 Um. And that kind of explained a lot of things because I would have the Up for days, sleep for days, kind of routine thing going on The rapid um. Faults um. I didn't know if I had voices or whether they were just Me playing tapes over my head I know they, you know, I've always. You kind of don't want anything to be wrong with you It's like there's two sides of the coin You want to be well and your mind plays with trying to tell you that you're well You're not really, you know, mentally ill and then you have the other side that tells you Yes you are, follow everything you're supposed to do and do it And uh. yes, it's tricky You have to, you know, I do a lot of. You know, I was really lucky after. And not Tina met my ex-husband And um. we were together 13 years married for 11 Had two um. I had two sons, um. a stepdaughter in two naces I've had very half of that of. Tom's in my life And then I've had Tom's where I couldn't even look at a clock and read it It's so difficult to pinpoint exactly what's going on And till you start getting to what support groups And dive again, research and finally got about your illness. And learning gets no different than having diabetes, or heart disease, or anything else that has to be treated. And that is okay, not to be okay. And so I've gone through, you know, thank you, well maybe it's about schizophrenia, maybe it's a journal overload, or you know, maybe it in try to be off medication, which sent me into a very mess. And I was homeless, and at the time family still thought it was my choices. And you didn't understand the mental illness, I didn't understand the mental illness. Going on to getting to a point where it, there was always chaos. You know, I didn't know if a test gets a freer, just the bowel or what kind of, there's different periods of our life that have had different, outcomes. Yeah, different, and different, could follow into different categories of what they call a middle thing. There's been talk about, but the schizophrenia started getting the worst where I was just detaching from people. I was friendly with everyone, but I wasn't very close to anyone in my teenage years, pre-teen, a lot of bending and parading, constant bullying from family and peers. It just started, suicidal thoughts and just just a overwhelming, you know, emotional. I think it's, I think it's, I think it's great to be able to. I just can't say, it's great that you have kids, you know, I mean, that's, that must be a real blessing for you. Oh, yes. My oldest has got married in November and last year. When the boys were nine and a half, it, my biggest, middle problem can about that thought my husband had tried to poison me. And it was some emotional abuse and some other types of abuse and ended up going to domestic violence shelter. And just, it's, I had let them go with family to be kids for the summer. Me and my sister, there was always an antagonistic thing with my, was one of my sisters. You know, my husband would always say, if you, if you leave me, I'll fight you for the kids. Your parents will stop me and then back you all in up with the kids. You know, and that was like my worst fear because then her has so much teaching and can get on the same page. She is an amazing, wonderful caring being. We just didn't see out of our way we carried out things. And it just escalated to a point where I had a suicide at home. I had taken all the pills. I was on so many medications and I took a ton of a cinnamon stick and walked up to the woods from my parents' house. And went to lay down and I know it was an actor guy that he woke me back up and I walked back out of the, was about the time she was arriving with, with rescue. And it's been not fighting for doing the charcoal to get everything out of a system. I had like I said, suicide falls from the time I was, you know, vibrancy is really first really had a plan and intent to do something that really at 16. I've had a couple of, I've took medication, my medications and just happened to wake up the next day. No, about my business, like nothing was, nothing you'd have because, you know, I couldn't even do that right. You know, you know, Victoria, I think with you, you just power through life, you've had your family, you had your kids and then, you know, it's gonna happen that you have these sorts of crashes and dramas. Do you know what I mean? It's like this, this side of mental illness is there in the background and it's making things 10 times worse that you're, you know, you're busy with life, I think, you know? I mean, that's the impression I get with you, you know? - Yeah, I mean, I've been through thyroid cancer, I've been through, you know, part of the, the worst of the voices and the auditory staff was when I was 20 to 23, I had had miscarriage before I had my son, I was pregnant with my first son when I was 21 and I would always hear a baby cry all the time when I went into baby crying and I never told anybody about it till years after. And, you know, he would be there and I would be looking at him and I mean, he'd just be having to be a kiss little thing, you know? And just be completely okay. And my, my children have their, my saving grades. You know, I've also been diagnosed with narcolepsy, but some, I just went into the sleep doctor again because, you know, everything is such a, I let it say it's a balancing, it's more of a ways and measures kind of thing. You know, we, I go up with the way to get, get on the mental and then had to focus on the physical or the losing weight and sometimes that comes up going back on a different medication that doesn't treat all the schizophrenia. Right now, I'm on Palsypene, it works the best for me. You know, it's the only FDA, a period for schizophrenia. I believe, I know of, and it requires blood tests every week for the first six months. And I only have one vein that has, you know, see me through the cancer and the heart attack sends up, you know, two, two margitons and serenions and blah, blah, blah, blah, you know, through life and don't even blood at times and everything. And it's just so hard to keep during the blood work. That's why I gave up last time. I was on it. I was on yet, I was on a plant-based product, how places and on top of that. And I was on that, you know, I was able to just interact with that in a relationship with the heart attack. And I was on that, you know, I was on that. see visions, I would see the pages, words on the pages, bring your reign, bring the Bible, all the time. You know, I've, tell, you know, patients being given to humanity for a while longer, three times, you know, it saved the world three times, you know, for being on a God trail. You know, I kept putting off going back on the medications after I left my ex has been, because I wanted to see if it was just the chaos and everything. And after a while, it was so severe hallucinations auditory. Visual that I was just walking on streets and, you know, there was no bringing me back down to reality. I was on a reality show with God. You know, it's probably the mayor had cameras everywhere, recording everything. And, you know, it was just some of the best time of my life, because I was so close to God. I had, I'll never forget. I had finally decided to stop being a back lady and a three way, I let, you know, gain a win, three way, all my belongings I had been, you know, carrying around, walking around. And I just my last thing was my bank card. And I put it in the, and I had to give cards, I had gotten to give to my nieces. But I ended up putting them in the mailbox of a church. And, you know, I was giving everything to God. And I was so close to God, and everything seemed so at peace. And the first treatment I'd ever had in my law, really. So, you know, you know, Victoria, I, I was just going to say that schizophrenic delusions are sometimes terrifying, but they can also be like what you experience, you can experience elation and euphoria. And sometimes I can relate to what you're talking about in a spiritual sense. As well, you know, I think that is, that's a part of it. A lot of people were schizophrenia go through a spiritual crisis or feel closer to God. You know, because it is such a tough journey. And, and I think it's just part of it, you know, the spiritual side, you know, and I think, you know, that's just fantastic. You know, I was, I was going to say something else. Like I'm going to say, I can't remember now. Like, anyway, just kind of carry on with what you're saying. Well, um, knowing that I, um, I ended up, uh, I've been to the hospital so many times. And, you know, there was no help for me left. You know, pretty much saw everything. And, um, anyways, it just, you know, it. The vine acts that I've gotten the right help that I have, it's been a journey. You know, it took a lot of, just keep pushing the research. The, um, by Polish about God helps me so much. Um, just raising the bar a little bit more and more has helped so much. You know, I still have that withdrawal to myself because that's just how I have to do it. At times, I get that sensory overload. I mean, it's just like I'm picking up too much. And I start things start interacting with me. And, you know, everything means something when I'm sorry. It means something. I just want to say that, um, like what you're describing there to me is psychosis. And I believe that psychosis is a localized event. What I mean by that is it's not just your, your, your, yourself, it'll say your local environment is in tune with you. And that's why we experience so many synchronicities, um, so many things that the reality seems to be strange. It's because psychosis, I believe, is a local event, you know, it makes total sense, you know, because at the end of the day, we're made of the same matter, aren't we? Um, and we're connected by spirit. So it doesn't make sense, you know, when you think about it, I mean, so many people say that they go through like a, like what you talk about sensory overload. And everything is connected in the local environment. They just makes me believe that this is the case, you know, from my experience, those that I've talked to that I know from middle-hills support groups and just friends and everything that have, you know, schizophrenia too, that ideas, you know, a lot of people have tunnel vision. They just see their selves and what's in front of them and everything. And I've noticed that a lot of the schizophrenia, we, our view is like majorly out there, you know, we're over-hot and sensitive. Um, I guess that's where I've worked through a lot of the paired noises because I know I'm not that special. And I know nobody's really paying that much attention to me. And I know that's just, you know, I've done so much cognitive work and trauma work and recovery work and just being on the closet being that works right now. I've been only to get for six months, what I was saying is, you know, I had a quick take in it last time because the blood work, I'm not being feasible. It's so hard to get to. I couldn't keep it up so I had to get else, I think it else. But I've had, you know, it's just, it's what works and top of my ex-coget being in places which give probiotics and pre-botics and work the best for me because I'm already with a lot of the new information with, you know, so much of our brain is fed through the gut and the neural transmitters and everything. You know, also a lot of the symptoms I believe, up schizophrenia, may not just be schizophrenia. I mean, they, um, some of the symptoms are the same things for, you know, like, autoimmune diseases, you know, you can look at, there's a lack of correlation, everything in between with even alcohol and stuff. And, um, I'm sorry, I try not to. Victoria, I think we probably got to take a wrap now. I think we just want to go back one hour time. But, you know, you've made some, you know, some great points. I think you've got a, you've got a lovely life with your family and you've gone through a hell of a lot with the mental illness, you know, sort of fight. It's like ongoing battle. Um, and it just, just shows you what a tough battle it is. And I just want you to keep fighting, um, and just keep going because, you know, you're an inspiration. Um, and I think you're doing really well. And I'm just so, so, so grateful that you're told your story today. You know, it was a real pleasure. Well, I'm glad I finally got to. I'm sorry, it takes so long to finally get with you. It's absolutely, absolutely fine. Okay. Victoria, what I want to ask you is what type of music do you like? I always add some music on the, on the episode, um, that, you know, any particular type that you like. Um, well, um, intimacy from the South, you know, you grew up with a lot of country. Um, there's a, um, Tim McGraw saw humble and kind is one of my favorite. So I'm going to listen to a lot. Like I'll see what I can do. So I just want to, you know, just say something. [BLANK_AUDIO] In the inventory, you know, young players are paying, you're strong, you're doing well, and you're keeping forever. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music]