Episode 3: Meeting People Where they Are

Come on in! [MUSIC] Welcome. [MUSIC] Oh, I'm glad you're here. [MUSIC] Please, come in and have a seat. [MUSIC] Let's see where the conversation takes us. [MUSIC] My name is Angela Anderson-Niddle, and welcome to my living room. [MUSIC] Today, we are going to talk about how to meet people where they are. And, as somebody who meets new people for a living and makes it one of my biggest hobbies. To go out into the world and meet new people. Being able to meet them where they are and accept them for who they are in the time that I'm meeting them. It is important to building connections with those around us. One of the things that I think we can all say that we've seen going on in the world around us is a disconnection of neighbors of communities. And it's because we are judging each other, right? We are, we enter into these interactions with our own biases, our own experiences, our own prejudices, our own belief systems. And if we're not careful, that can build walls prematurely before we even know who we're dealing with. So, to be able to encounter somebody and to greet them and get to know them and accept them for who they are in the moment. It really opens up the world to you and helps your view of the world and it helps how we connect and interact with one another. So, how do we do that? How can we place ourselves in a position where we can really meet someone without judgment when it's our nature's to judge one another, right? It's in our nature's to just make assumptions and to make decisions and to let first impressions cement into lasting opinions. So, how do we overcome all of that? Well, we can do it by focusing our interactions with others in a way that's free from those preconceived notions and biases. We need to encourage ourselves to listen attentively and actively. You know, a lot of times in our conversations what we like to do is we like to listen for a response. We're thinking about the anecdote or the story that we want to tell. We're thinking about the thing we want to say, right? And we're not really hearing what the other person is telling us. We treat these conversations like we're skimming headlines. And it doesn't always get our attention. We let our minds wander. So, if we can listen actively, be attentive. If we can show empathy and we can remain open to different world views, different viewpoints, different opinions, different experiences, it can lead to much more meaningful and authentic relationships, personally, professionally in our communities. So, how do we go about it? Well, it really all begins with listening. When we're connecting to one another, we need to turn off the inner monologue, the inner research assistant that is calling our mental reserves for the story that can connect to what they're telling us, right? We have a responsibility to ensure that we understand what's being communicated to us. I mean, think about it. Words have meanings, not just defined by Mariam Webster, right? Words and phrases have different meanings regionally. They can have different meanings contextually. And even different dialects can alter the meaning of a word. And let's think about the Southern Bless Your Heart. It sounds really sweet, right? But, leveled off the razor edge of cutting Southern wit, it can also be such a condemnation. Don't bless your heart, you poor, pitiful thing. It's not exactly the blessing you think you're getting. And if we're making assumptions on what people are saying when they talk to us, right? We're using our own experience, our own prior communications or prior relationships as a template on how to understand what's being said to us. We can make gross misjudgments in so many times, disagreements and arguments and fights start because somebody says something flippant or offhand or it's a poor choice of words or it's words that have a different meaning based on their own background. And the way it's received by the partner in communication is as an insult or an attack or it's perceived as condescending condescending condescending. There's a word. I can't even begin to tell you how many of my husband's and his own disagreements started because he said something and I understood something completely different than what he meant. So one day we were having a conversation about a trip that we were planning on taking and I don't remember exactly what he said, but he said something to me and he goes, oh, I'm just blowing smoke up your ass. What that phrase means to me, the way it was used by my parents, the way it was used in my hometown, if you were blowing smoke up somebody's ass, you were lying to them. You were giving them false flattery, you were saying untrue things, things you didn't believe just to make them feel better, right? You were being disingenuous, you were being dishonest. And so when he told me that he had been blowing smoke up my ass, I got really upset because I'm like, so you've been lying to me this whole time. No, that's not what I said. Yes, that's exactly what you said. You said you were blowing smoke up my ass. That's what that means. And he goes, since when? I'm like, since forever, that's what that phrase means. Because that's not what I meant. I'm like, okay, I'll take it your work. That's not what you meant. Please, rephrase. What did you mean then? He goes, I was giving you compliments. I was boosting you up. I'm like, that's not what that means to me. He goes, well, that's what it's always meant to me. So here I am all up in my feelings, thinking that my husband has been lying to me when what he was really trying to communicate is that he had been trying to be my cheerleader, trying to boost me up be my height man, if you will. That's what that phrase meant to him. And it was a powerful lesson for us. It was a really powerful lesson that instead of the immediate reaction of you said something had hurt my feelings. Instead, I take a beat and I say, okay, what I just heard you say to me was that you've been lying to me with these compliments. And now he has the opportunity to either double down and say, yeah, it's exactly what I meant. Fight on or to go, oh, wait, no, that's what you heard. That's not what I meant to say. That's not what I tried to communicate. What I meant to say was, I'm your biggest cheerleader. I'm your hype man, I believe in you and I think you're wonderful, I'm like, wow, big difference from what I heard, right? Big difference from what I heard. And moral of this story is we were able to prevent so many future arguments with a clarifying statement of what I just heard you say was. And then granting the grace, that communication between humans can at times be faulty and that we can choose the wrong words or we can choose to express something poorly, we should always be given an opportunity to clarify what we mean. We build stories on what we think people are thinking and we don't always double back to make sure that our stories align with what they mean, what they're intending. It's part of meeting them where they're at, right? It's making sure that we understand what they're actually saying, you know, mis-translations can happen within a language, it doesn't have to be from one language to another. It is from one life experience to another life experience and making sure that what we're saying is what they're hearing and what we're hearing is what they're saying is essential to communication. Communication is a two way street folks, it takes both of us fully participating for it to work well and it takes both of us checking in to making sure that what we're sending is what's being received and it's not getting lost in translation, the data points aren't failing to transfer, right? There's so many little ways that we can connect with people around us. It's about helping people be seen in everyday life. Life often will present us with an opportunity to meet people where they are, right? One of the things that I love to do is I'm a performer in our local community theater and I also work with a touring performance group and it's a rotating group of ladies who gather. So every time we meet to perform together it's not always exactly the same group of six women who are performing that day so occasionally you will show up to a performance and I'll get to meet a new member of the troupe or a member of the troupe I hadn't met before. And that happened just a couple of weeks ago at a show, a troupe member who had been traveling was back and able to rejoin us for our performance and so it was our first time getting to chat and she was sharing a little bit of her life, right? She shared that she had recently divorced and I asked was it condolences or congratulations because with divorce you never know, sometimes it's a celebration. And she said it was definitely congratulations, it's what she wanted, she was restarting her life, she had been unhappy for a while and it really was a new beginning for her and I said that's awesome, that is really exciting, congratulations on the new life but something important to remember is that it's okay to grieve that loss. So congratulations on the new life but condolences on the life that didn't turn out the way you expected it and she stopped and looked at me and she was like wow I didn't even realize how much I needed to hear that. And we chatted for a little bit about how important it is to allow yourself to grieve the end of something even if ending it is what you needed and wanted that the thing that was is not going to be anymore. And even if you're happy about the new things you still get to experience some pain about what was lost about what didn't survive or grow the way that you hoped it would and just that quick interaction being able to see her except where she was in her life really it bonded us in that moment and it took a casual acquaintance and turned it into a friendship in a matter of minutes because I didn't approach with judgment in how she ended up where she was in her life but rather was able to see her and celebrate with her and see that there was still a little bit of hurt, a little bit of pain on the backside of all of that. And now I get to count a brand new friend into my circle and how wonderful is that. When we have these opportunities to make these connections it's really it is enriching to our heart, to our soul, to our spirits. And remember as human beings we are most definitely and without a doubt social creatures. Even the most introverted among us crave connection. We need to be seen. We need to be heard and when we are able to do that for one another, we make our community stronger, we make ourselves healthier and happier, it's all good stuff. Let's take a break folks, we're going to go ahead and give us a pause. Want to see what's happening during the break? Join me on Patreon to find out you can also catch extended cuts, exclusive content and monthly live chats with me. There is already so much there to check out. You can find the link in my show notes or in my bio on social media. And now back to the show. So I just recently finished watching the crown. I love a good binge on Netflix. And I don't know, I found it to be a really interesting show. It was neat to kind of get, I mean, an inside view on Palace life. We see them in news media. We see the image that gets presented and it was nice to see something a little, a little more depth. And it really, really kind of altered my perceptions of now King Charles. Being a child of the eighties that I am, I was mesmerized by Princess Diana and always very, very sympathetic to her side of the story, right? I kind of considered Prince Charles to be a giant turret of human being. You know, I just thought he treated her really shitty. I thought he was just as, well, let's be honest, homely a man as he is that to have such a beautiful wife and to not love and appreciate and do everything he could to make that marriage work. It just seemed like he was really, really shitty to her. And watching the crown, it was really neat to be able to see a different side of him. I mean, yeah, he was still shitty to her. There's no doubt about that. He was absolutely shitty to her. It doesn't change any of that. But you know, he fell in love with Camilla when they were both young and single and available and equally interested in each other and had they been allowed to simply just be, would have probably married and lived a long, happy, full life together. But his family didn't feel that she was appropriate for him. And so they had her family compel her to marry somebody else so that she wouldn't be available. And he spent the rest of his life watching her be unhappily married to somebody else. And then was kind of forced to marry somebody the family thought was appropriate. And that resulted in an unhappiness. for both parties, you know. He was still not good to her, but he was a lost and broken soul along the way, too, and talk about a family refusing to learn their lesson. Repeat after repeat, but that's the royals for you, right? Goodness gracious. Nothing like repeating generational traumas, but you know being able to watch that show and be able to see a different perspective allows me to, you know, obviously my opinion of the King of England probably not going to have a huge impact on how the world turns, but it does change my perspective and it serves as such a reminder why we have to consider the broader story that there's always something that we don't know going on in people's past that explain why they are the way they are, why they act the way they act. We all have histories, we all have stories, we all have traumas that we're coping with in overcoming, and when we can lead with compassion, it allows us to meet people right where they are, and be open to them as a human being, which really, it's the goal we're striving for, right? So I challenge you, what can you do to see people in the moment? You know, when do you have an opportunity to connect with someone and let them know that you see them and you understand them because to be understood? Well, that's one of the most fulfilling, one of the most fulfilling things we get as a human being is to encounter another person who understands us in a moment. It helps us feel connected, helps us feel grounded in our community, and gives us the emotional reserves we need to continue forward, right? And so I want to talk to you guys about a couple of different times where getting the opportunity to talk to somebody and share maybe your observations or your insights can help them see themselves better, and when you see and understand yourself better, you can meet the world more authentically, and you end up with much better outcomes. So one time is in my role as a director, right? I love directing in my local community theater. It is fulfilling on so many levels, but being able to work with actors and help them towards a common goal, which is to bring this story to life, to help them find their character and connect that character to the story that's being told is it's a lot of fun. And I remember this one actor who was new to the stage and kind of timid in their line delivery, right? I could feel they were holding back, but I was seeing sparks. I was seeing where choices that they were making and how they were delivering the line and how they were characterizing that moment was really connecting. In a way, I don't think that they were seeing themselves. So after a particularly rough rehearsal, I asked them to hang back so that we could talk one-on-one. And I pointed out some of the choices that they were making. Nervous little things they were doing that really added depth to their interpretation of this character really connected it to what was happening in the scene. And in taking that moment just to share what I was observing, right? And giving them that feedback. When we met for our next rehearsal, the growth and confidence that I saw and them embracing those choices and really leaning into them, it was like seeing the character spring off the page and into life on the stage. It was phenomenal. And this really ended up being a just in exceptional performance. And this character really just watching the actor grow in their ability to deliver the lines and deliver the character. It was, well, it's one of the reasons I love directing. It's helping somebody accomplish what sometimes they don't even know their capable of. And seeing the potential in them and helping them bring that to life, it's really really a great feeling. And what's wonderful is then to see that same actor years later taking on more and more complicated roles and really, really growing in their skill level. It's just great, right? And another opportunity or another, another another thing that comes to mind another time where providing a little bit of insight, a little bit of feedback just really helps somebody overcome a challenge, right? So I work as a trainer in call centers helping folks master their new job. And I've been doing this for long enough that I get to help new trainers master their skills. I get to the opportunity to mentor other trainers. And I had one trainer I was working with who was really struggling in communicating with their operations partner. It seemed like they had a very combative relationship. There was a lot of defensiveness in their communications. And that caused the operations partner to question everything that the trainer was doing, which then caused the trainer to be more defensive. And it was a rather vicious cycle. So I had a meeting as we were discussing these communication challenges and how we might reframe how we communicate to get a better outcome. I made the observation that every time a question was asked that this this trainer was responding very very defensively, taking the question almost as an accusation. And I asked why that was his first response. And I tell you the look on his face when I asked him that was as though I might as well just slapped him. He was like defensive. What do you mean? That defensive. I'm like, but aren't you? Let's go back and review the conversation. Let's take a look at the tone of the email. I mean, don't you hear the defensiveness in that? He goes, well, I wasn't meaning to be defensive. I'm like, okay, so what if instead of them attacking and accusing you of not doing these things, they're seeking clarification on what is being done and how it is being covered, said if we take a moment and just remove the personal feelings from it and take the question for the face of the question itself. Does that change how we would respond? Got a commitment that before responding, he would ask himself, am I feeling defensive or upset by this question? And then also after he addressed the response, if he was concerned that his tone was off, I made myself available to kind of preview communications. And within a very short time, there was a complete turnaround. When he took the personal out of it and gave a much more, I don't want to say detached because we weren't trying to detach from it. But just removing the personal response and taking the question for the question sake alone and answering it just as that immediately improved the nature of the communication. Operations didn't feel like they needed to ask as many questions because they weren't getting a defensive response from their trainer. And now several months later. They have a much healthier, much more professional and collaborative relationship in preparing new agents for transition to their new job. So sometimes we just have to take a moment and go just because I feel this way doesn't mean that this feeling is fact, right? I may be feeling away because of my own prior experiences when really I need to look at it with a little objectivity, a little emotional detachment, and say what's really the purpose of the question that's in front of me? Should I be responding emotionally? You know, is my reaction appropriate? Or is it outsized? And sometimes just giving ourselves that moment, sometimes seeking an editor? You know, I'll have a friend and I'm like, listen, I'm feeling some kind of way about this. Is there a chance that my reaction is maybe not appropriate? Maybe it's a little big? Getting another perspective, right? Getting an outside in viewpoint can also help us. But we don't always have somebody available. Sometimes the only person we have to hold us accountable is ourselves. And we have to just stop ourselves and go, OK, did I understand what they were saying to me? Am I using my own past traumas and excuse to treat this person a certain way? Now, am I being fully present? Am I meeting them right where they're at right now? Thank you so much for stopping by today. Don't forget to hit subscribe to get all the latest episodes and find me on social media at Angela's living room on all platforms. Have a fantastic day.