Episode 22: State of the Union

Welcome back everyone to Yoga Pants and Bad Decisions episode 22. Hope everyone's been doing well. Sorry for abandoning you last week. I've just come to the conclusion that doing this weekly was just taking up too much of my time and energy. And honestly, like after cranking out so many episodes, like I felt like I didn't have very much to talk about. And I didn't want to keep talking about the same things over and over again or just, you know, talking about like random sex capades because I feel like that's no longer what this podcast is about. I don't really know what this podcast is about. Again, I started this off just as a way for me to kind of get over some of the things that had transpired within my marriage and to kind of just, you know, give myself some closure, bring myself some peace and kind of work through the past couple of years and kind of just get it all out there, you know, into the ether. And I've done that and I'm in a good place now mentally that, you know, the cathartic part of how this all started has kind of done its job and I've made peace with the situation that I'm in now and where I am in my life romantically within my marriage, with my family, with my kids. So I mean, it's just kind of, you know, I'm enjoying my life and whenever I think about what I want to talk about next, like I don't really have any like, you know, burning topics that I want to get into and I don't always want the episodes to just be the result of some event that happened in my life that pissed me off, like, you know, the last episode it was about insurance and medical stuff. And that was because it had just happened in my life and I don't, you know, want it just to be every episode is just me talking about all the ways that, you know, someone in my life pisses me off because it just makes me come off as like this bitter woman and that's really not who I am. But I do feel that there are certain things within marriage and long-term relationships and, you know, partnership with other people that a lot of people don't talk about, they gloss over or they never, you know, they just think that that's how it's supposed to be. And those are the reasons why I bring up those topics. Not to throw my husband under the bus. Like I've said over and over again in so many episodes, my husband is not an awful person, my husband's not a bad guy. He's a good guy inherently. I don't think that most of the stuff that he does maliciously, I don't believe in my heart of hearts that he is that manipulative or narcissistic. I just think that he is unfortunately that naive and clueless. And, you know, part of it is, you know, the way he was raised and is upbringing and that his parents kind of took a hands-off approach, you know, and I've noticed that with all three of the siblings within his family is that they kind of, you know, they never really got too hyper-involved in their kids' lives and, you know, and that might be also because my husband and his siblings were not problematic kids. You know, like, if you look in the grand scheme of, like, you know, family dynamics and birth order and all of that stuff, I 100% believe that that factors in to how certain family dynamics are. A firstborn has a certain role within the family. A firstborn daughter has a certain role within the family. The youngest child plays a role, the youngest son, the only son, you know, however, the genders, the ages, the birth order lines up. I feel that all inherently correlates to certain degrees of family dynamic. In the same way that, like, astrological signs can factor into how a person is. Like, do I put lock, stock, and load into astrological stuff? No. But I do believe in it. I do believe that, you know, certain things exist. And, you know, my younger sister is very much into astrology and reading charts and whatnot. And I, you know, I, I always would look into it in, in the scope of compatibility, you know, like early on in, you know, my dating, I would always be like, oh, what's your sign and ask them what their sign was and, and to see if we were compatible. I'm a water sign. I married another water sign on paper. My husband and I based on astrology are very compatible because we are both water signs. And even looking at the couple that I'm with now, like, I asked them, you know, what, you know, their birth signs, they're both Libras. And on paper at initial glance, you know, a Libra and myself being a cancer don't really, you know, go together. But yet, we get along famously. But then if you look at all of the moons and the ascending, all of that stuff. So that's, that's a whole another topic. But anyway, but a lot of the reason why my husband is the way he is, I believe, is, you know, due to his upbringing. And, you know, even his parents, you know, when, after I sent it, the email with that I told him that I wanted the emotional divorce, which, you know, next month is going to be our 20th wedding anniversary. And we didn't do anything to, you know, celebrate or acknowledge the 19th. I don't think we're going to do anything for the 20th as well because the current status of our marriage. But when, you know, after I sent the email and he kind of just pulled back, and we didn't really talk for a couple of weeks, and I just thought that he was just, you know, everything was fine. When inwardly, he was falling apart, one of the things he did initially was what he went over and he spoke to his parents and finally had to come clean with the state of, you know, what was going on within our marriage. And he told them, yes, we had an open marriage. Yes, he had been, you know, he had had other relationships with other women. I don't really know exactly what he told his parents, but throughout it all, he basically, you know, he told them about my infidelity and when that happened and, you know, how that was, you know, pretty much the catalyst and how things had kind of, you know, ended in our marriage. And I think he even let them read or he read snippets of the email that I sent him in that, you know, I didn't feel as though that they're that we were in a marriage and that we were just existing as roommates, which is how I felt for some time. And, you know, his parents actually apologized to him because in our initial conversations, one of the things that I had always said to him was that, you know, I don't want what your parents have, you know, and I was privileged to information from his mother because she worked for me at one point in time. And this is even before my husband and I started dating. I knew his mom first as an employee. And like, I remember back then she had talked about how it had been eight years since her and her husband had any intimacy. And I thought that that was wild. Now granted at the time, I was in my 20s and this woman was, you know, in her 40s and I was like, oh, gross. Oh, people shouldn't be having sex anyway. But in actuality, she was, you know, my age now. Like, so we're going like 20, 23, 25 years ago, she was, you know, my age or younger. So eight years back, we're talking, she was in her maybe mid to late 30s, early 40s and had zero intimacy within her marriage. And that was, you know, eight years on top of the, you know, however long it's been since then. So we're talking that this is a 30 year marriage between my in laws where there has been zero intimacy. And I know at some point, it is the expectation that old people just stop having sex. I don't know when the timeline is to where that just stops happening. Am I under the assumption that my parents who are both in their 70s are still getting it on now because of, you know, aches, pains, body aches, all of the things, you know, they're older. I highly doubt that they're still born. Now, would my dad probably want to? Yeah, because my dad out of both of my parents is probably the more physically capable of doing intimacy. But like, yeah, at a certain age, yes, it's expected that that part of your life is officially over. And that you just, you know, you chalk it up to, you're good. You've had a great run over and done. But to me, like the age I am now and even younger is to me not an acceptable age range to where there should be no intimacy between husband and wife. So his parents, unfortunately, a pile, you know, they didn't have that. And they basically apologize. And again, his parents are the same age as my parents where kind of divorce really isn't an option. Like when you got married, you got married for life. Now granted, my husband didn't come from a Catholic upbringing like I did. So it wasn't really like, oh, divorce is a sin against God. It was more of just that was the commitment you married your person and that was it for better or for worse. And if for worse meant no intimacy, then, you know, so be it. Now, I'm not keen or privileged to know why there was no intimacy between my in-laws. That was information that I didn't want to know. I don't know if it was a situation where my mother-in-law was just so, you know, whatever, not physically attracted, not interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with my father-in-law or if it was just again, they were just roommates. I've only know what I've. scene between them. And while there is love there, they act like, you know, friends. I know that very early on, my father-in-law was a kind of certain kind of guy that, you know, my mother-in-law did everything around the house. My father-in-law did nothing and still does nothing. And now, as their older, and my mother-in-law has had more and more health issues, she's had a heart attack. She's had to get stents put in. She's, you know, she's diabetic. She, you know, she was the one that was still mowing the lawn up until she had the heart attack, not my father-in-law. Because my father-in-law was no longer physically capable. He had gained a bunch of weight and now, you know, and now he's, I think he's on a GLP one now. But for many, many, many, many years, my father-in-law did nothing to contribute to the household function outside of contributing his paycheck. He did not do any of the cooking. He didn't do any of the cleaning. He didn't do any of the maintenance around the house because he was physically unable to. So it all fell on my mother-in-law. So I imagine, if I had to guess, as to why is because she was freaking tired because she was doing everything. And again, I'm not saying that that's how my husband is because, again, again, again, it's always been very much equal in the in the household of stuff. Now, the mental load of everything, which is, you know, stereotypically what most women and most wives complain about within their marriage is that, especially once they have kids, is that they're the ones that are doing the mental management of the household. They're the ones that remember the teacher's names, remember a picture day. Remember, you know, when something needs to be signed in return to school and, you know, doctor's appointments and probably for the first 10 years of of our lives as parents, yes, that was 100% me. I don't think my husband could have told you the pediatricians name for the first 10 to 12 years. That our children were going to the pediatrician. And then it got to the point where I just I switched careers. I wasn't around as much. I didn't have as much say what I left my family business and worked for new companies. I no longer had the bandwidth and the time and the flexibility that I had when I worked for my parents. So he had to pick up a lot of the slack on that. So because he didn't have a choice, you know, I no longer could take off work every time a kid got sick. I no longer could, you know, leave work for every doctor's appointment because I was no longer the owner's kid and and having that flexibility or being able to make up the time on another day. I worked for, you know, other companies where the expectation was you heard the boss you're there. So a lot of it had to start, you know, defaulting to my husband. And even when I took this most recent job that I've been in for the past three years, like before I took it, I had to make sure that he was on board with getting our youngest son up and on the bus because I was going to be out before he was. And so that was a responsibility that prior to, you know, this job he never had to do. I was always the one getting the kids up for school. I was the one getting them out of the house and, you know, he he would roll out a bed at eight o'clock and, you know, roll off to work would not occur in the world, not a lunch packed. So that part, like I get the burnout, I don't necessarily have that anymore because I've stopped caring. I've gotten to the point within my marriage within my family unit where I just am like, if I don't feel like doing it, no, because my kids are old enough now where they're capable of doing a lot of things on their own. I don't feel guilty anymore if I don't feel like cooking dinner I used to and I used to let the guilt eat me alive. And now I'm just I just know there's plenty of food. I have a 16 year old a 15 year old and my youngest will be 10 this month next this week actually. And there's plenty food in this house. I mean, even if my 10 year old eats cereal, I'm not going to feel guilty about it. I'm not because for the last 16 years and even before that, before we even had kids, I basically cooked five to seven meals a night. And I'm done. Like, I feel as though I've done my time. And every now and again, you're going to have a friend for yourself's night and that's kind of like where we're at now. And every time it's a friend for yourself night and my husband is home, the menu never changes, boiled noodles. Like, I could bet my life that whenever my husband is in charge of dinner, I will come home from wherever I am, whether it's Liz and Keegan's house. For dinner, I will find noodles in the fridge, which is exactly what happened last night. There was noodles. So my kids don't ever starve, but honestly, when the time comes that we do split up this household and, you know, divorce, who knows? They might they might choose who to live with based on how well they're going to be eating because I don't think anyone in my house wants to eat boiled noodles every night, but, you know, we'll find out eventually. As an update on that, like, no real change there. Like, things have been a little weird with the husband lately. He is no longer to my knowledge in therapy. So I think he lasted not even the full year seeing a therapist unless he's just taking some time off. But according to our bank account, I've seen no charges for the entire month of September and none yet for October for his therapist. So I don't know if he's deemed himself healed and cured from whatever he was going to therapy for, whatever issues he was going to work out. But he has been quite handsy lately and I'm not really sure how I feel about that, you know, had you asked me a year ago or two years ago, I would have been thrilled and excited that my husband actually wanted to like touch me. And it's almost daily now that he finds a reason to touch me, whether it's just to smack my ass or, you know, to hug me or squeeze me. And I don't to be quite honest, I don't really know what he's doing with that because it's kind of too little, too late for me. That's the kind of affection. And honestly, like, if that's his attempt at like trying, talk about bottom of the barrel bare minimum on attempting, because if that's what he thinks is going to make me want to swoon and, you know, jumpstart this marriage again and try to reconnect. He's sadly mistaken, unfortunately, because it's going to take a little bit more than an ass watt, because again, there's been a lot of damage done on both our ends as far as the marriage goes. And, you know, I spent the better part of the last five years doing what I thought I had to to make amends and take blame and, you know, work towards, you know, trying to find some happy medium and to no avail. So at this point, I've kind of just like, I don't even care enough. Do I love my husband? As the father of my child, one on or children, one hundred percent. Like he's always going to, you know, be that person. He's always going to be my kid's father. And there's always going to be love there. But like there is zero romantic inclination towards him at this point in time. And it does sadden me to say that. But that's the reality of living with someone who doesn't want to make the changes that are necessary to make things work. And doesn't want to have the conversations like we even talked about anything in depth in months. The only arguments that we have, it's usually related to finances and him being an idiot when making decisions in regards to our money. And now, because I just don't care. Like I really just don't care. Like he doesn't tell me where he's going. I don't tell him where I'm going. You know, there's certain nights when I go to Keegan and Liz's house. And, you know, they're just standing days that I go over there. So I don't even tell them. And my kids know where I am. And it's just, it, I don't know. Like it's just a weird like we legit are just roommates. And, you know, the one night that he got really handsy with me, he had been out that day watching football with his buddies. And he was drinking. I knew I could smell it on him. Like I do, I think he was shit face no, but he was definitely a little, you know, loose around the edges. And he literally just like pulled me, he was sitting on the bed, pulled me over to him and just started like, you know, you know, putting his hands on me and went under my shirt, like pulled my brawl down and was basically just like bare handing my tits. And like almost essentially motorbooting me at that time. And I was like, what are you doing? Like I legit asked him, I'm like, what are you doing? And I was just like, what are you drunk? I'm like, are you horny? He's like, no, not drunk. And I was like, what do you want? And like this is the most you've touched me in months. And it was right around the time September 24th was the last time, 2025 that my husband and I had any intimacy. And so it was right around that time. And I was like, you know, it's been over a year Since you and I have been intimate and I was just like if you want to change that and like I don't even know why I said it at the time because it was funny because Liz asked me when I was telling her the story the next time I had seen them I was like I think it was that same night I was I was heading out to them and I think it was Keegan's birthday and he was just being weird and I was like what are you doing and he's just like what you know what I can't touch you know like you can't anymore like you no longer have that right like you've done nothing to earn it you've done nothing to earn any piece of me physically mentally or emotionally in the past year and just because you have a couple of drinks in you see I'm getting emotional it doesn't mean that you get to just erase the last five years or the last year that you haven't touched me and I think part of it is because if I'm being honest he knows that I don't care anymore and I think for the first time since I sent the email and the first time in the last five years that I genuinely am not making any effort to try and connect with him reconnect with him rekindle anything I am officially and unequivocally done but I just can't do anything about it because of our kids and our house and I think for the first time he he actually sees that and I think it's because of the time that I spend with Liz and Keegan the frequency in which I spend it to with them and the birthdays that they both just celebrated they both just celebrated their 30th birthdays and the care and effort that I put into you know their gifts and the wrapping like he saw that and he was like this is all for them and I'm like yeah and you know and it was funny because even my son was like your hypocrite he's like you get mad if dad spends money on on a con face but I was like no I was like I don't like the expectation when we opened our marriage and when we started dating other people and became and it became like a polyamorous situation we had always agreed that there would be expenses attached to that like whether it was going out on dates gifts all of that so you know none of this was done sneaky it was all done above board of the gifts were all sent and received to our home opened out in the open like they were all from amazon everything I picked was amazon and was left unwrapped and my husband knew exactly who it was for so there was no like shady dealing as far as the gift going was concerned and you know spending the time with them and then like we didn't overnight and on and I think it's also to the last couple of Fridays the last two Fridays Keegan and Liz have both been over at my home for the first time where they've been around my kids so I don't know if that has something to do with it because that's only been like the last two weeks that you know my youngest son has finally gotten to meet them they've come over and we've had like puppy plates with our dogs and you know the first week we did like a fire pit because it was a gorgeous night and we just let the dogs like tear around the backyard um and just like you know chase each other around and wrestle for like three straight hours it was all PG like obviously we're just hanging out and my youngest has no idea really who Keegan and Liz are to me they're just friends and he knows I go over there all the time but he just thinks of them as my friends because obviously like they're a married couple he why would he think anything of it his his young brain doesn't you know need to know or comprehend that you know anything that's going on otherwise it's you know he just knows they have a cute dog he loves Pippin and he came over so this past Friday um I invited my brother over and my brother uh brought his niece so my brother is just you know he just finished up and and finalized a contentious divorce from his wife and he is he has two two girls um and it's been rough for him and and him and I have kind of gotten closer through all of this because you know and he's been that one person he's like I sure you want to do this he's like because I'm telling you right now divorce fucking sucks too and I was like yeah you know but he's speaking from the guy who didn't have the choice because his ex-wife was the one who kind of you know made the choice and left the family home and took took the girls with him so regardless he's oh we you know him and I have gotten closer and we've kind of just been support to each other through all of it and I've tried to include him and get him out of his head and get him out of his house because you know he was going through like a depressive phase where you just you know like life sucks which I'm sure a lot of people do when they feel blindsided by divorce um but he has met my couple before we did a trivia night one night at a local bar and um you know he met them and it was cool like we were all just drinking and vibing so you know it was just except and then we went back to his place actually met his dog they got to meet his dog plates and video games and you know just had a good time just chilling and it was it was good to see my brother in a social setting and to kind of just like get out of his own head and you know so since then I've tried to you know reach out to him and check on him and you know I've gone I went to one of his his daughter's volleyball games to support her um because I know uh you know the X things that our family doesn't support the girls but we do and and his daughter comes over all the time like when we got our puppy my brother and his daughter are the only members of my family who have actually met the dog like my two sisters haven't met the dog my parents haven't met the dog um that's that's a whole nother podcast episode family like the family dynamic right now with with my extended family is kind of like all over the place I'm not currently really speaking to a lot of the members of my family and it's not that they did anything wrong or that I did anything wrong it's just that I just don't have the bandwidth to really deal with any kind of judgment or any kind of crap from them I'm just you know I'm protecting my piece that's essentially what I'm doing um and it is what it is uh but anyway so this past Friday we invited my brother and my niece over with their dog so it was three dogs um my oldest son had friends over um and they all know who Kegan and Liz are to me as well so it's like we had a full house on Friday we got some food and the weather wasn't great for fire so we were kind of just like all inside and you know the dogs were just like playing and having a great old time and and it was funny because my husband was getting ready to leave for his standard Friday night wally ball right when my couple was pulling up um to our house with food and they're like where should we park because my husband's car was still in the driveway and I was like I'll just wait a second you know he's getting ready to leave so like he literally pulled out of the driveway and then my couple pulled in and they like they passed each other in the car and I just remember seeing Liz's face I was watching her because she was in the passenger seat and you know she's just like kind of looking at him and and people have asked me they're like are they ever gonna meet your husband and I said I'm like I'm not against it but I also know like I know Kegan would be fine with it like he would be friendly and like chill but I know my girlfriend and I know her RBF and it was actually a topic of conversation when we were over there the other night her RBF and I know knowing what she knows about my husband and hearing my side of everything obviously she's going to defend me and she's going to take my side of the situation and I know that she's gonna meet my husband and like the look of disdain and discussed knowing what she knows about you know what's transpired within my marriage like it's gonna be written all over her face and I and she's not gonna be able to hide it I don't know if necessarily I want to see that unfold yet so I'm not really you know chomping at the bit for them to meet each other and and honestly like if it happens it happens if it doesn't it doesn't up until now the only people that my husband has ever met the in within the duration of us being open was he met the first guy that I dated briefly at like a mixer like a polyamory mixer um met him the one time and then met a partner of mine that I had had who just came up to pick me up one night and both him and a cut face were here the hell's her name Jane oh yeah that's it Jane I really should start writing down all the synonyms for all of the people I call so Jane Jane and my husband have both met like one of the other guys that I messed around with for a while only because he picked me up and and that was basically it but it's it's not something that I've ever really like and I and I've met all of the women that he's been involved with his his first girlfriend you know used to come over the house we were friendly and then Jane came along Jane is no longer welcome at my house um she never will be welcome at my house so um I don't know like you know people have asked me all was that fair that you know you have them over and I said yeah and I was like you know the difference between my situation with uh Keegan and Liz and my husband situation with Jane is that that there is no lack of trust, there's no ill will, there's no hurt feelings. So my husband has nothing to hold against my couple because they've not done anything to wrong him, to wrong our family, to wrong our kids, whereas unfortunately the same can't be said for Jane. Jane has manipulated my children, Jane has asked my children to lie on her behalf, Jane has manipulated my husband to get what she wants, Jane has disrespected my home, disrespected my wishes, and not, and coming when she was not invited. And so those are the reasons why she's not allowed in my house. And I've always said, you know, when people, and for some reason a lot of people have been asking me lately what, you know, the status of my marriages, and I guess because I don't talk about it anymore, because when everything went down and I sent the email a year ago, I was in a bad place, like, you know, people at work recognized that I was crying all the time, I was upset all the time because it was literally the culmination of 20 plus years basically ending. God, I can't get through. See, like even though I say I'm over it, I still get emotional talking about it, because again, yeah, it's the longest relationship I've had, it's been, it feels like more than half my life, I've been with my husband in some capacity. So yeah, there's a lot of feelings and emotions that are tied up in that, but it doesn't necessarily mean that like I want it back, because I've made peace with that. But I was always crying and I was very angry and very hurt. And now I'm kind of in a place where I'm not angry, I'm not yelling, I'm, you know, I'm kind of just chill. The only thing that's really kicking my ass of late is Perry Menopause, which oh my God, like to be born a woman is really just a giant like fuck you, like this shit sucks. But that's again, another topic. Well, no, I mean, I'll probably get into that today. But anyway, so right now, like yeah, I'm really content in the relationship that I have with my couple. We celebrated our six month anniversary last weekend, right before Liz's birthday. So we kind of, I spent that we went out to a nice dinner Sunday night and then Monday was Liz's birthday. And they had both taken off work and I was already off work. So I spent the night over there. We spent the whole day together and it was just a great time and we had a really good time. And it was nice because, you know, we had had some struggles, you know, a couple months ago. And I know I said I wasn't going to talk about stuff when it happened, but you know, we had been struggling with some intimacy issues that Keegan was dealing with and still does, you know, and it was affecting me a lot mentally. He, like the intimacy level that we had had kind of just like fallen off. And anybody who knows the couple, like, you know, I would see them three or four times a week and we were fucking like three or four times a week in the beginning. And yes, I get that it's the new shiny penny and that's how everything's supposed to be early on and relationships are fucking like rabbits. And that's how it was for us. And then all of a sudden, it kind of started to taper down. And the only other time that that had ever really happened for us was, you know, initially when they broke up with me the first time and just cut all contact. Since we've been back together and, you know, we kind of laid the ground works. And while we've had bumps in the roads and we've had issues that we'd had to discuss, intimacy was never really, you know, a part of that. Like it was always happening on some level. And yes, there were times where, you know, Liz and I would, you know, be intimate and Keegan would get weird. And, you know, but we'd had talks about it and how I needed intimacy and how I needed it to feel secure within the relationship. So we'd had those talks, but I felt that like, over a span of two months, it had been on the slow decline. And it finally came to a head one night when Keegan wasn't feeling well and I'd gone over to the house. And Liz and I had had a conversation while he went out to the store to get cold medicine and like we were talking about him while we were walking the dog. And I basically told her I was like, I can't keep doing this. And I said, I need to have this conversation with him and find out what the hell's going on because I feel like, you know, he doesn't want to be, you know, intimate with me anymore. And if that's fine, like cool, we'd already had the conversation prior in a last difficult conversation where I had said, you know, if we just needed to be friends, that was great. And that I wanted both of them in my life forever if it had to be in the platonic sense, I would be okay with that versus them cutting me out entirely. I told them, you know, if you go no contact with me again, that's it. You'll never hear from me again. But if at some point in time, our relationship changes to where we have to roll it back and just be friends, then, you know, I would prefer that because at this point, like they are my best friends. I talk to them every day, all day, when I don't see them for several days, I miss them terribly. If I don't see them for two days, I miss them. And, you know, I'm very much attached to both of them. So I was like, you know, if sex needs to come off the table for us to remain in each other's lives, then so be it. And that was the conversation that I was, you know, that we were going to have because I felt that's where I was with Keegan. I knew that Liz and I were still on the same page that we were both still vibing and feeling each other sexually. It was Keegan. That was the wild card. And, you know, we both wanted him there. And if that was no longer an option, I didn't see how we would continue as a thrupal where it would just be me and Liz having intimacy and then Liz and Keegan having intimate and then like no intimacy with Keegan and I. Like that, I just didn't think what would work. So it was going to just have to come off the table entirely which I knew would be upsetting to Liz. I knew she would be upset about that. And I didn't want it to come to that but that's where I thought it was going. So Keegan came back from the store and just like snapped at both of us 'cause he just wasn't feeling well and thought that we were like, you know, hooking up without him. I don't even know. It was a weird night. So we, and I ended up leaving that night after like two hours and I was like, all right, I'm going. Hope you feel better and kind of just like left abruptly and then, you know, followed up with the text and was just like, hey, sorry, I left so abruptly but I just wasn't feeling the vibe had I known. That Keegan wasn't feeling well. I wouldn't have even come over but maybe we'll link up when everyone else is feeling up to seeing each other because at that point, like I was just so frustrated because I felt like, you know, I was there to have a conversation. I didn't want to have. Wasn't happening that night so it was like another. And at that point, I think it had been close to three weeks since we had had intimacy or that Keegan and I had had intimacy. Like, it was the several weeks where like, and I literally joke that like at work when people are like, what the hell's going on? I was like, I don't know, but I know it's just been a month since I've had a real dick in me because while I strap on this lovely and I enjoy it, it's not the same as a man. And when you're in love with two different people, you want to experience intimacy with both of them. And I wasn't getting that. And I wasn't getting any kind of reasonable explanation. Every time, you know, we were over there and we would all be hanging out and chilling. It was always, oh, my body hurts. Oh, I'm tired. Oh, I haven't been sleeping. And you know, I tried to afford grease when they got their puppy, you know, because I'd forgotten how exhausting the puppy fees was. Well, then I got the puppy too. So that I was like, oh, okay, well, yeah. Now I'm just as tired as you, but yet I'm still wanting to smash. And not to be a dick, but like, one, I got 18 years on you, three kids, a full-time job that's more physically demanding than yours. So I was kind of just like, you know, the excuses and the reasoning behind him not wanting to be intimate were no longer flying with me. They were just excuses. And that's when I got to the point where there was something bigger, the underlying issue. So after that night, Liz Sidebar texted me and asked me, like, do you know what's going on? Do you feel as though that we need to take a break? And I said, I don't feel like I don't want to take a break or if we need some time apart. And I was like, I don't want that, but I feel like that's what's already happening because it was just every time we were hanging out, it was just like, we're watching TV eating, Liz and I would look at each other longingly because we both want to get down. And then we're both looking at Kegan and nothing. And of course, I was always under the assumption that like, you know, they're still fucking as a married couple would when I'm not around. So, and I'm like, I'm not getting, and I had basically closed off all of my connections and not that they asked me to, but it was just what felt natural to me to do. At the time, I only had two other connections. I had two connections that I had when we kind of started dating again, and one was relatively new. One had been longstanding, but the longstanding one, I always knew had an expiration date because he was trying to boo up. And whenever he has a girlfriend, he's legit. When he's single as a pringle, that's when he has multiple partners, but when he has a girlfriend, you know, he's monogamous to the girlfriend. And I knew that it was moving in that direction. He had been forthcoming with that. from jump so you know there's no ill will or hard feelings in that department so I kind of like wasn't trying to I wasn't trying as hard to maintain that you know sexual relationship when I knew it had an expiration date and at the time I was perfectly content with the sex I was having with my couple like I was getting all of my needs met there and you know until that changed I was like I don't really need to see anybody else and you know that's just how it was it was a matter of timing and honestly all of my free time was being spent with them anyway and that's where I wanted to be um the the shorter term newer you know relationship he saw the writing on the wall too and there was no hard feelings there you know we still talk as well um great guy but you know so it was kind of like I nobody asked me to and those connections it just felt like it was what was supposed to happen so I was like okay and I you know closed down my dating profiles was no longer on any apps but then all of a sudden it's like two months of like you know distance and and lack of intimacy and I was like okay you know like I already don't get intimacy at home and I already don't get any physical touch at home and I had had the hard conversations with both of them about how important that was to me on more than one occasion um and my anxious attachment style within a relationship so these were all conversations that we had had before but yet again the same things were still happening and one of the previous conversations I had had with Keegan I told her I was like listen I was like if you're not feeling up to sex on any given night that's cool then just say it like kind of like set the tone for the night be like hey and I was like and as far as intimacy goes it doesn't always have to be sex like I'm totally fine if you just want to like snuggle and make out like anything but I need that physical reassurance that we're on like we're still on the same page and that like everything's good like I like I made that very clear and I also told him that you know if there's nights that me and Liz want to get down and you don't want to do that's cool too but you have to be okay with it and you can't make it weird afterwards because that had been an issue before whenever we had one-on-one play like the first time me and Keegan you know slept together once we were a thrupal we had issues with that and we had to have a conversation about that and honestly since that Keegan and I have never had intimacy because I think we're both scared to do anything because we don't want to upset Liz and it just hasn't come up and we we've hung out and there's been opportunity but we don't act on it because I think we're both just you know gun shy and we just don't want to deal with the repercussions of that happening but there's been times where Liz and I have like one or two and and Keegan hasn't wanted to be in it and then you know we've hooked up and he would get all weird and like leave the room and it just it was always awkward and we just didn't understand why and so we had addressed that in the conversation that we had had we're like listen you know if her and I are going to do our thing and you're not down that's cool but you have to be okay with that like like if we want you to be a willing participant but if you're not like we shouldn't have to abstain from intimacy with each other because you don't you're not feeling it and he had agreed to that but yet every time it came around and like you know Liz and I would be sitting on on the couch longingly looking at each other like let's go fuck we'd look at Keegan and he would just be like half asleep or you know like zoned out and we're just like yeah this isn't going to happen so it was like week after week of that happening so finally it just all came to a head and it all came to a head on an evening where he was just in a foul mood and I was like okay cool bets and I was like fuck you I'm out you know like I was just irritated and I didn't want to take a step back but I didn't really know how to navigate where we were going so then Keegan actually texted me it was like hey I talked to Liz and she told me that like the reason you left was because of me he was like can we can you and I talk you know privately um tomorrow and I was like yeah I'd like that because we we need to have some stuff out so you know the next day he texted me and he was like what's going on and he was like tell me what you're feeling and I did I told him I was like listen I was like you know the lack of intimacy that's been happening over these past few months I'm not understanding what what what's going on and I was like you know we've had these conversations before I told you what I needed out of a relationship and you know the things that I needed physically um and I was like I don't want scheduled sex I don't want to feel like anyone's obligation and I said so if sex needs come off the table and we can be friends that's fine I'm okay with that and I and I told him I'm like my assumption is that you and and Liz are having sex when I'm not around so that makes me the common denominator and if you know I get that I was like maybe the newness of of this thrupal is no more and you know and again we had already established before that the whole reason he was even open to opening his marriage was so that Liz could pursue um her sexuality with women and then it kind of just devolved into a free-for-all for all for both of them and you know and they'd kind of dialed it back and and he again like he was perfectly content and would have been perfectly content only having Liz for the rest of his life um and he has acknowledged that but then there's me so I'm like okay well where do I fit into that and you know I've always stated that I knew that he would never be able to you know admit or have the capacity to love someone as much as he loves his wife and that I was fine with that um and that was cool but you know can I be in your life in whatever capacity that you want so it was a very vulnerable and honest conversation and he basically said that you know his libido ebbs and flows and you know his lack of transparency was and communication of that was the issue and I was like you know I've only ever known you to be highly sexual you know your sex drive matched mine your sex drive matched your wife so that's why we all kind of just jived because we were always wanting a downed fuck and then you know to just go cold turkey was kind of jarring and especially without an explanation and I said so of course the reasonable explanation would be me like you're either no longer attracted to me physically or something has changed and that you're no longer feeling a connection to me in that way and if that's the case I can handle it and we can pivot to just friendship but I need to know so that I can check you know because that will change how I navigate in that relationship it'll change how I act in the relationship you know it's it's one thing when I feel like everybody's all in and that there's love there romantically and friendship if we're just and sexual but if we're just going to be friends then I'm not going to invest all that I am for a friendship so it would change drastically how I would you know act within the group and you know he was emphatically like no he's like I go through peaks where I am a horny bastard and then lows where I'm pretty much almost celibate and he was just like I know that you and Liz have high drives and and I feel sometimes I can't keep up with that and that part makes me jealous because I know you can go multiple rounds and I can't and it was in that conversation and the conversation I had prior with Liz where I'd basically said if this is going to be the new intimacy or level of intimacy that we have with each other like I might need to consider reopening you know my dating accounts and and seeking out you know other partners or reopening connections or establishing connections that I had and you know it's a conversation they never told me that I couldn't do it and you know there had been issues when Liz had kind of wanted to go out on dates and and we had kind of struggled on that but you know I've had conversations with her on multiple times where I was like if you want to see other people cool like the only thing that was ever an issue with any of us wanting other connections was just the communication piece it was never about you know jealousy or not wanting the other person to pursue new connections it was just about letting us know and like you know Liz and I had kind of had you know a little bit of a misunderstanding when she wanted to explore another connection but didn't communicate to me or to Keegan in in an early enough fashion in a timely enough fashion we've kind of felt like we were a little blindsided because you know I found out literally the day before she was going out on the date so it was like we I didn't even know she was talking to anybody that she had reopened her dating profile and that was you know a discussion that was hard to have and you know and since then she's not tried to pursue any other connections even though I've given her my blessing multiple times and I told her to I think she she still thinks that either myself or Keegan would struggle with that I don't know but oh and that she's contending what she has and and I am contending what I have to other than the intimacy piece so after all of that like you know Keegan and I basically told Liz is enkeying that I was going to reopen my field account and that, you know, I would pursue other connections, you know, purely sexual. Like I'm not looking for any more romantic connections, I just, you know, I have to get my needs met. I'm a highly sexual person. I could literally throw down all the time. So when I'm not like, you know, I'm kind of, I get frustrated and irritated. I don't know what to tell you. I'm built like a man that way. But whatever. So Liz understood that and then I, you know, I told Keegan as well and he was like, you know, and his comment was, yeah, he's like, go for it. He's like, I have no problem with that. He's like, honestly, like, it'll take pressure off of me. Apparently, you know, he was stressing that he was my only, you know, connection that him and Liz were my only partners. And I was like, well, I mean, I wish, again, I wish you would communicate that. And honestly, like, at the time, yeah, but like, now I understand from his point of view that that's a lot of expectation when you have two women with high drives and you're the only dick in the room, that, you know, that's a lot of pressure on you. And it's not that we ever tried to. And it's just like, I guess the whole thing is his communication piece. And that's always what it boils down to is the communication piece. He didn't want to, he didn't want to communicate how he was feeling or that he had let he was having libido issues or that he just wasn't feeling sexual. So he wasn't saying anything at all. So then I was misinterpreting his lack of any of speaking on it to it was an issue that he didn't want to talk about with me. A lot of assumption and that's inherently always what it circles back to is communication. Communication is so important in any relationship, in any relationship style, whether it's Polly, whether it's a Thruple, whether it's a, you know, open marriage, whether it's monogamous marriage, like if you're not honest with your partners about how you're feeling, you're always going to end up having resentment or assumptions are going to be made about how that person is acting and why they're acting that way. And then you're going to assume it's you or something that you did. And nobody wants to have the difficult conversations, but you have to. In the conversation that I ended up having with Keegan and, you know, he talked about, you know, his feelings of inadequacy when having to, you know, pleasure to women and and not feeling like he was enough, you know, he was showing his vulnerability and he also, you know, divulged that, yeah, he never thought that he would ever be able to have romantic feelings for another woman outside of his wife, but that he did have those feelings towards me and that he didn't want to be my friend and that I was much more to him than a friend and that, you know, he'd still very much was attracted to me sexually, physically, whatever. And kind of like we just recalibrated where we stood and we were both very honest, vulnerable and raw. And but we said the things that needed to be said and, you know, and since then we've been fine, but and since then the sex has been great again. So I don't know. I don't really know what's going on. I did reopen my field account. I mean, there's no one to note that's come back in, but again, the same old players always circle back into my life every single time. So yeah, I don't know. So where do we stand right now? I have no idea. Like I'm still spending the same amount of time that I am with my couple. We've been having fantastic sex. Like honestly, like the past couple of times when we were having sex, like we were switching up like the positioning and it was, it was fucking fantastic. It was probably two of the best nights of sex that I've had with them in a very long time, if not like, yeah, because it felt like for the first time that all three of us were actively participating. Yeah, it was just super hot and super sexy. But yeah. So like now I'm kind of like, okay, like, do I even need to pursue other connections? Because honestly, dating is work and vetting new people and going out on dates. And while it was fun, like I've had my fun and I'm not to say that like I'll never want that new connection again, but it's like honestly like the thought of having to like get dolled up for a date really has zero appeal to me right now. Like I just don't like I love being able to throw on my yoga pants and go over to my couple's house and with my sleep token t-shirt on and flip flops and just chill and enjoy our $20 box of wine and a well prepared meal. Like that right there is enough for me, but I also need the sex. So I don't know. So it's like one of those things where like right now sex is great that you know the the dry spell was over and and even like now like honestly like as long as I'm getting it at least once a week, I feel like I would be totally fine with that. Ideally I'd want more, but whatever like a beggar's can't be choosers, but honestly I don't know if I even want to pursue new connections because it's just exhausting. Like it was fun before, but then it's like when you when you found your people it's kind of like do you really like I don't want to do it anymore like it's just yeah. So that's kind of where I am. So I'm on field, but I'm kind of really like only doing it half heartedly. So who knows if any of my old connections are out there and we had amazing sex hit me out maybe you know maybe we can reconnect. I don't know, but everyone except for the fuck is his name. What's it? It's Jake Chris, not you Chris. Fuck you Chris, never you. Which is funny speaking of Chris. Remember one of the last episodes I talked about how I know he stalks my TikTok ever since that episode aired. He has not shown up as someone who's viewed my profile. So now you just again re-solidified the fact that I know that you listened to these episodes. Chris. So yeah, and then he changed. He must have changed his profile settings. So now he can't actually see anything. And Jane has again blocked me on social medias after I told her to kindly fuck off after the whole Amazon snafu. So I don't know if her friends are still listening. Ginger Cunt. I know one of her girlfriends was peeping my TikTok, but she hasn't done that, but it's probably because my husband told her that I knew. So yeah, good times. Yeah. So couple's good. Sex life is good. Could be better. Could be more of it getting there, getting getting back up there. I'll let you know if I end up going out on a date. Anytime soon. I don't know if that's going to happen, but yeah. But yeah, that's pretty much what's been going on around here. I am still in the podcast contest. I don't know how long these things last. Apparently the top 20. I made the top 20. Now they're going to the top 15. I ended up being number five in the group. Voting is still live. If you find the link, you can find the link to that on my Instagram pages. I will link it on the yoga pants and bad decisions as well as my actual Instagram, my personal Instagram. You can vote there. You get one free vote every day. So I will always take those. And yeah, like I don't know how much longer this competition is going to last or whether or not I even care about it anymore. So, but I do appreciate all of the effort and the votes from everyone who's been doing it. But I mean, if this is going to be one of those things where they expect people to vote for me for like the next month, that's exhausting. I would never ask my friends and family to do that. So you're off the hook. But you know, if you have nothing better to do in your phones in front of you, you can you can find me on a yoga pants bad decisions on Instagram. TikTok threads. And again, you'd like subscribe, follow. And if there's any burning questions that you want answered about anything that we've discussed or that you want to know about me or my past experiences or, you know, all the ways I fucked up in my life, let me know. And we can cover that in the next episode. Or if you know any of you want to be like my special guest or maybe maybe another episode, I'll get a keegan and a Liz on the pod. We keep talking about it and then it never actually happens. But now that I'm going to every other week, just because the every week drop was just becoming too too much for me, it'll give me some time to kind of come up with shit to talk about. But anyway, thanks for tuning in. I hope you guys have a fabulous week. And I will see you in two. Thanks again, yoga pants bad decisions. Take care y'all.