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Speaker 2Welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast with your hosts Anthony and Caleb. The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals and not of any organization. Please help support the show by donating in the link. Enjoy the show. I'm getting this picture.
Speaker 3What?
Speaker 2I cut myself out. I'm drinking out of this. I'm drinking out of the Grey Cup. What a life. I was miserable inside here. That's the Grey Cup. For those who don't know, it's the Canadian version of the NFL trophy. What is that, seven teams in the league? Yeah. There was a bunch of guys there, and I asked them, and I was drinking beer out of it like a dummy. And then I went to a soccer game after. And then I went to a bar after for sure.
Speaker 4Are we rolling or what?
Speaker 2Yeah, let's get going. I just don't know what to show.
Speaker 4Honestly, bro, just...
Speaker 2Maybe I'll unplug it.
Speaker 4I'll turn the TV off.
Speaker 2All right.
Speaker 4Yo, guys, I just want to say thank you so much.
Speaker 2Yeah, everybody that left comments and experiences, thank you. Like I said, we're doing this for us to stay sober, but at the same time, like if I'm being honest, we're doing it for us. I'm doing it for me because I need this shit, right? Like, but at the same time, the bonus of all this is that it hopefully helps one person, right? So, you know, let's go from there.
Speaker 4Yeah, today you guys are going to hear my boy Anthony's story. You guys listened to me last time. And before I get into it, I just want to say that small town that I'm from, I probably had like 30 people message me personally, man. And they were like, oh my gosh, your video. Oh my gosh. It was, I can't believe how good you sounded and like how much you changed. And like, it was just like, you just said it. And we did it. We do this for us, man. Like it really, I don't know. That meant so much to me. I had people reach out to me that were like, I haven't talked to in years. You know, my parents, friends, just people I never thought I'd hear from, right? It just goes to show like.
Speaker 2People are thinking of you, right?
Speaker 4Yeah, I just wanted to say like, I tried to answer every single message I got. And I think I did. But like, I just want you guys to like, know that I appreciate that. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2Thanks. Yeah, no, I, I totally understand that. And, you know, you think people don't realize that you're, you think you're only hurting yourself when you're in an addiction, active addiction, drinking and drugging. And, you know, you think people don't, you're not hurting anyone, but you know, we're like a tornado roaring through the house of families. So shout out to all the families that are dealing with addicts and alcoholics. We know it's hard.
Speaker 4You guys are the real MVP, man.
Speaker 2Yeah. I mean, my mom now, she goes to support groups still to try and help other people because she, she's been, I put her through hell, man. And, you know, I've made some amends there, but I try to live my life better every day and make amends that way. Living amends as we call it, right? Like just try to be a better person, try to help someone. But yeah, so I don't want to tell a big drunk log. So.
Speaker 4Listen, man, I want to hear, I want to hear your story, bro. Yeah. This guy, this guy's such a good dude. I met him in the treatment like we said in the last video. And this guy's story is pretty insane. And I know what I've heard a lot. And like, I want you guys to, to like get to know him. Can you let God know him? Thanks, man. Yeah. Let these guys know what's up, man.
Speaker 2Yeah. So I came into recovery in 2015. So about 10 years ago, I was living at my parents' house and I remember, oh man, I was a shell of a human, man. Like, honestly, I felt like a robot walking around. I, it was so loud in my head. And this is all I've realized in retrospect. Like after the fact, I never knew it at the time that I was struggling and what I was going through. I didn't know how to reach out for help. I didn't know how to reach out and I didn't know about any support, right? So my parents, they first hooked me up with a psychiatrist, right? This guy can't stop drinking. He can't stop using. I remember, I said this in the last podcast, but my dad, I told my dad I wasn't having fun anymore, right? So wait, hold on.
Speaker 4So you were like, this is before your parents, like I said, you did treatment and then they got you like a psychiatrist? Yeah, it started with the psychiatrist, right? Because we didn't know
Speaker 2about treatment at that point. And they're just like, they just, they had no idea, right? And so my mom is like an expert in this now because she's been through it and she's stuck with me I love them both. I'm grateful. I know everyone doesn't have that support. And so if you do, cherish it, right? You know, just like be grateful. I try to be grateful. And I was at my parents last night for dinner and watched the Leaf game. And let me tell you, like my dad used to look at me when I would walk in the room and, you know, he had that look on his face at like, what are you going to do today? How are you going to screw me over today? How are you going to steal? What are you up to, right? He had that like questionable look. He was always on, walking on eggshells. Right? And today I can say that that's not the case anymore. My dad gives me a hug when he sees me and, you know, we spend a lot of time together and it's a beautiful thing, right? But it's because I've, you know, reached out for help. I've reached out and worked, you know, a certain program and support groups and my life is not the same as it was, right? So I was at the psychiatrist and I'll never forget this. She had the DSM-5, that book that's like, you know, it says, I'm going to, I'm not a frigging scientist or a doctor. I'm going to screw this up, but it has like all, all the diseases listed of diseases and substance abuse disorder. She opened the page to that because she asked me a bunch of questions. How much weed do you smoke? How much drinks do you have? Right? And I was answering all of them pretty honestly. She just looked at me and without like any, you know, reservation at all. She's like, you're addicted to marijuana. You're addicted to cigarettes. You're an addict. And I remember hearing that and I was so, I was in such denial. I got pissed off, obviously. That's my first reaction, right? Gaslight somebody, make them feel like they're stupid.
Speaker 4Is this your first ever, like interaction with someone telling you? Professional help. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2Any professional help at all. And so I walked out of there. I remember, oh man, I remember, I'm going to get emotional. I'm getting goosebumps. But I remember my mom came in with me and she was like, wanted to come in the room and I was over 18 and I was like, no, get out of here. Right? Because I didn't want to tell the truth. Right? And my mom was just like, so stressed, man. So stressed out. And so after that, you know, she recommended, I think she recommended a sober coach or something. So we went to go see a sober coach and I'll never forget this. This lady was like, she helped me a little bit, but she was more focusing on like getting active and going to the gym. So my parents got me a gym membership. I was like, oh, this is great. You know, I'm going to start doing this. I'm going to stop because I remember just feeling like totally like a slave to drugs and alcohol. I had no choice in the matter. Once I took one, I didn't know what was going to happen next. And I would come home, you know, my mom didn't sleep for so long. You talked about that last time, but I remember I would come home the door and be like, same thing, like six in the morning. Some days I wouldn't show up. I'd be gone for two days. I remember one time I went, I went to, yeah, this is like 20, 21. It started getting really bad at 21. I went to university. I was smoking weed every day and I didn't go to class. Right. I didn't fill my obligations. I didn't show up to life at all. Right. And so, um, I went to a party one time and I remember leaving the party in the morning, like drinking out of the bottle, not getting drunk because I was so high on coke and whatever. And, uh, someone stole my shoe, like one shoe.
Speaker 3So, yeah,
Speaker 2I remember going home and I, it was like 12 o'clock. You know, I'm laughing now. My mom, I put my parents in such hell. Sorry. I love you guys. But, uh, I remember showing up at like three in the afternoon with one shoe, just like walking into the house. Just like, so yeah, just so like, you know, so out of it and so strung out and it was terrible. I hated myself at that time. I couldn't, I didn't even know what self-esteem was or anything. But yeah, so then sober coach and, uh, um, then my parents got hooked up with an organization that was, this is what saved my life and I'll never forget this guy, Dave. I love this guy to death, man. He was my, he was a counselor at the thing I was going to and, uh, I remember him telling me all these stories about young kids that were dying and I just remember like not being affected by it at all. I was like, that's not me. I'm not that bad yet. I'm not, you know what I mean? I didn't, this kid crashed his car. I didn't do any of that stuff, right? And so, um, at some point, man, uh, and, and hopefully this helps any parents dealing with, with children or loved ones in addiction. My parents were taught by that organization, that counselor to cut me off. I, they were enabling me by giving me a place to stay. It sounds horrible, but that's the only thing that works for me and my family. My parents had to kick me out. They had to cut me off. I lived in my car for two weeks and that's what brought me to my emotional bottom. I remember I was sleeping on somebody's couch and I had nowhere to go. I just wanted to shower, man. That's all I wanted. I just wanted to go home and shower. My parents gave me an ultimatum. You go to treatment or you don't come home. And I tried. I was brushing my teeth in the office that I worked at, right? Like I was barely showing up to work. I wasn't sleeping. And finally I was like, man, I'm done. Like I want, I'm done. I'll go to treatment. I put my hands up. I threw the white flag. I'll go to treatment. And I went to a beautiful treatment center in Minnesota. Um, and in the United States, uh, in, in Minneapolis, something clicked over there, man. And I'll never forget, like I remember seeing guys like you that were just happy, like they had been there for 60 days and I came in, I had no idea what I was getting myself into I was crying yeah first time in treatment I was crying I was 23 years old and I was broken completely broken and I just remember seeing kids walking around happy and they were cool like they were like cool guys that I would hang out with yeah and I remember just thinking to myself like I want that I want what that guy has right and so I did 60 I did 30 days in there and they recommended I did another 30 and I was like man I don't know I don't want to do this and I'll never forget this one of my friends shout out to Sam this guy saved my life he just told me it was like you know you and I he's like dude just stay we'll have fun we'll go to meetings like it'll be a good time we'll live in a sober house after and I I did it I just said you know what again I threw up my hands I'm gonna trust these people that are smarter than me that are giving me advice I'm gonna you know dive into this hope there was hope in the treatment center that there was another way to live without alcohol and drugs right and so I uh I did it I just I listened to what they told me to do and at some point man I just became happy like you know my problems started to get smaller and smaller and I started to just like I started to cut a guy's lawn I was working at a sober house after I was mowing this guy's lawn he's paying me cash because I couldn't work legally in the states right um and so I don't know I was just I was happy to like have obligations and do life and show up and you know I was taking the bus right and like for me that was that was tough because I never took the bus in my life I'm privileged right I you know I always had a a ride or somebody picking me up and so I'm very thankful for that um but yeah man uh something clicked in that treatment center I came home I stayed at a sober house in Toronto actually this one that we're at now 10 years ago and there's a good dude that owns the house I love him to death you know he saved my life again all these people were like you know parts of my story that helped me get to where I am I you know I just showed up that's all I did I just threw up my hands I listened and I showed up and again I connected with the people in the sober house I went to recovery I worked on it and um I stayed sober for seven years man like seven years what was that seven years? oh dude I can't I'm getting goosebumps again just thinking about it
Speaker 4I'm getting goosebumps just listening to your story again I've heard it so many times but it's crazy you know what I mean like
Speaker 2my life was amazing and it's it is today again but um seven years just opportunities started popping up in my life that I couldn't even imagine promotion at work people wanted to hang out with me you know like I was going to help new guys in recovery right and uh things were just amazing right so at some point in those seven years you know I met the love of my life that was another opportunity that was presented presented to me my wife today right and uh she's a saint bro like I love her to death I'm so fucking grateful for that woman she stuck by me you know in my lowest times loved me when I couldn't love myself and she still does today I called her today I was having a rough day just now and um you know you helped me too I talked to somebody man that was the most important thing I was sitting in my room in my head I feel like my addiction is like you know I heard this from somebody else one time but it's so true it's like having seven garbage cans and six lids you're always trying to cover the garbage cans but there's always one that's coming up and what I mean by that is like my addiction tries to like get at me through different methods and it comes out in gambling it comes out in buying stuff it comes out in uh you know doing uh performance enhancing drugs which are a part of my story right like just things to make me feel better inside and it's like it's always tricking me to do these things so I'm in my room just now you know an hour ago and I'm like I'm gonna do this and the first thought in my head and this is because I've I've worked a program is go to a meeting shut up and go to go to a meeting go to a recovery group right and so I did that and I showed out I went to a treatment center just now and I forced myself to talk to a new guy right and I just asked him how he was doing and I would stop thinking about myself it was like it's like magic man like I stopped thinking myself I go and sit down in the meeting the guy up there has 30 years and he starts talking about getting through hard times in recovery yeah right just pushing through lying on a power greater than myself that I call God today just trusting that it's going to work out if I don't pick up drugs and alcohol yeah just getting through grinding sometimes I'm like
Speaker 4gripping the steering wheel like oh you know this guy actually man I think it was you who said this to me this was a while ago you were just uh shooting the shit one day on the couch and you're like man some days like in recovery some days bro those bad days you just gotta grip that steering oh man just gotta get to 10 o'clock just get to bed like just get through the day one day at a time the next day starts right I remember you saying that to me man every day has
Speaker 2an end right like every day has an end and you you might not feel better tomorrow but you'll feel different you'll feel different and and that's hope enough for me to get through so I didn't pick up today and I'm grateful for that right I'm grateful for the people that helped me yeah um but yeah so uh you got seven years man seven years of like beautiful living man like family came back my sister and I got really close I've met the love of my life and just it was like easy right so you don't get me wrong there's a lot of hard days in that right and there's a lot of days where I wanted to buy and I bought shoes I like it came out in different ways I you know I didn't get back into gambling thank god yet I always say yet uh but um my addiction comes out in different ways right and I have to watch myself I have to be a good person today because my opportunities that you know my higher power presents to me will show up if I just don't pick up and try to do the next
Speaker 4right thing right so what surprised me like what I'm really interested to know about your story man is because like I I know you're white you're white you're white you're white you're white you're white I know your family I know you I know well you told me a lot about what happened in those seven years right like you were having lots of success going on these beautiful trips to family it's like you were living a good happy life right and like what I want to know and I want what I want everyone else to know because like for me man like it doesn't not make any sense because it makes sense to me because I I've been in your shoes but like what made you go back to that life right because like I know you went back and it wasn't a very good it wasn't a very good time for you you know you mean relapse right like you know yeah I just want to know like what happened to get to the relapse yeah I mean because yeah so I I know
Speaker 2exactly what happened now again life is lived forward and understood in Reverse I've been taught right I understand now that um there was I had a friend a buddy of mine that I don't talk to you today um we're just kind of faded away right he's still out there I think and we're sitting in my condo uh and that's another thing I was able to buy a house in recovery like what what that was never even a goal of mine but I was able to save money and buy a house right and so I'm sitting in my condo one day and this guy starts talking to me about uh these steroids that he's taking right I'm a big Fitness guy I love working out bro something inside of me just like a fire was lit inside of me when he started I was like oh I can I can get into that it's not mood altering I immediately the attic brain just started like justifying rationalizing I'm like I'm gonna get big I'm gonna look it was all vanity right I'm gonna look good I'm gonna be strong right so I just dove head first into that the whole time not telling anybody that I was doing that right I wasn't telling anyone I wasn't telling my sponsor no you know so I managed to get a prescription um for a certain performance enhancing drug that I justified you know I I basically faked my test to show that I had low numbers in my blood test it's
Speaker 4a quick question that I've actually never asked you this before but like when because like I see pictures of you before and like you did get you got bigger
Speaker 2oh yeah man everyone everyone's like dude you you're on roids for sure I kept denying it right it's man you change like that right like my neck got like bigger right and I was like always bloated and it was terrible right I'm happy today no no it's true though man people notice like and again you'd think that people don't notice in your life right you think that people don't notice but they notice and I just kept denying it and that that was you know that's a good question you asked because that hurt my self-esteem even more sure right I was like man oh like do I not look good do I need to do more do I need to stop like I was in my head and I wasn't telling anyone so that went on for like a year and then I remember I was buying myself online one day and it was all online and I remember seeing Adderall Adderall Adderall and I was like I'm never going to do that I I remember saying that to myself I'm like I I'm not that I can't do I'm not going to do that then one day something just happened and I was like you know what I need to fix my ADHD this is a problem I'm going to perform better at work I'm going to all these rationalizations my attic brain just telling me to go it's not crack yeah it's not coke it's not crack yeah I dove head first I'm not drinking it's not mood altering right even though it is but I was telling myself so I again manipulated a prescription but I started buying them online before that because I needed to fix what this hole in my head right going to meeting like going to things going to my recovery working my program and not telling anyone this like 10 percent right I was there in my second treatment center was like um you know I told him I was like man I tell the truth like 90 of the time but I don't tell like there's like 10 and he looks at me and he goes if you're a bank robber and you you know you only rob banks 10 of the time you're still a bank robber dude right and I was like man that that hit me I was like oh man I gotta be more honest about everything and that's what I'm trying to do today right even like I'll get the feeling
Speaker 4sometimes like I'll be honest and then like I'll be like I'm not lying anymore yeah and
Speaker 2then like so I was taught to always go back and be like you know what I lied there I'm sorry and you laugh about it you're like I'm doing that thing again right I'm doing that thing again my attic brain I'm doing that thing again it's okay just don't pick up so went on like a tear with that and uh I managed to like get engaged in that time right and like stay sober somewhat through most of that and uh it was a beautiful time you know we had a beautiful experience um I proposed the love of my life and we were gonna get married and I was on top of the world dude I was controlling when hash marks right in quotation sorry I was controlling my Adderall, my, um, Vyvanse use, which I wasn't, but I kept justifying it. Right. And that's the, that's the, just the dirty, you know, part of this whole thing is like, we, it's the only disease that tells us we don't have a disease. Right. And we're okay. So started doing that, went to my, I had to go to treatment again because I started drinking and it got kicked out of the house. Right. I was living with my fiance at the time. She did the best thing and saved my life again. She saved my life so many times. And again, the only thing that worked was completely cutting me off and not enabling me. Right. And so I was suffering even more because I needed to hit a new bottom. Right. You, you, you kind of have to hit a bottom to, to get well. Right. And everyone's bottom is different. Right. Bottom is when you would stop digging. I was taught. Right. So I hit a place again where emotionally I was like, I I'm done. I, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm not, I don't love them. I hate myself. I, you know, I'm going to bars. I'm don't even remember, I started getting into benzodiazepines. I don't remember getting to the bar. Luckily I didn't drive and I was riding my bike a lot. That was like the only good thing that I did. But there was one time when I did drive and it like, I don't even remember taking them and I blacked out and I managed to like not do anything too bad. Right. And, but it scared me to death. Right. I remember calling my sister and, uh, you know, I love, love her to death, man. She's a doctor now. I remember calling her in a blackout and like, I was, I asked her, I was like, is it safe to drive on benzos? And she's like, what, what are you doing? And she started, but she didn't like, she didn't try to control me. She said the best thing ever to me that I needed to hear. She's like, let's go to a meeting tomorrow. And I just, I was like, Oh my God, I melted. I was like, man. So she came over, we spent some time together. I went to a meeting. It was a beautiful thing. Right. And I'm so grateful for the support I have. I, you know, I love her to death. Right. She saved my life again. And, um, so, you know, long story short, I went to a treatment center in Utah this time and it was a good experience. Right. I did 30 days, but I was really focused on my wedding. I wasn't, I wasn't, I was focusing on just getting, showing up, being the best husband, getting to my wedding and not screwing it up. Right. That was like the most important thing for me at that time. So I wasn't focused on my recovery. I have to put my recovery first or everything else will burn to the ground. Right. So I managed to show up. We had a beautiful night together. I didn't drink that night, which was a miracle in itself. And I just had fun. Right. It was amazing, man. It was, it was amazing time. Like luckily I, God willing, I was able to get through that and, uh, not, you know, pick up and go crazy and start using again. But, uh, again, there was this hole that I needed to fill and I wasn't filling it properly inside. Right. I was, there was something missing. And so after that we went on our honeymoon and it was an amazing experience. Again, went to
Speaker 4Italy. It was a beautiful experience. Like, I'm just going to pause and say something like this for anyone out there watching, like, you know, what's crazy, not crazy, but what really is like eyeopening to me in your stories. Like, man, like it just goes to show like, you know, in my eyes, I look at you, I see this fucking amazing, outstanding guy. I see your wife. She's an amazing, outstanding woman. You guys are having a beautiful marriage. You have a beautiful family. She has a beautiful family. You have all this support and it's a great wedding. And still there's something inside you. That's just like, you know what I mean? It just goes to show sometimes I remember I'd be confused. I'm like, what is missing? You know what I mean? I have, I feel like I have everything and, but there's still something inside you. That's just like, bro, I gotta go pick up some drugs, you know? So like for anyone out there who's really like, you know, to me anyways, man, that's what hits me hard in your story is that like, this goes to show this can happen to absolutely anybody.
Speaker 2Doesn't discriminate, you know, doesn't discriminate, right? And we have to deal with that like self-hatred thing and, uh, or we won't get better. So I've done a lot of work on myself and, uh, you know, I managed to get through that treatment and yeah, I was was right back to it like within a week after something about going away and traveling and then coming back i don't know what it is but i get like this the cravings are like unreal when i come back i can't even control it it's it's so yeah we travel everywhere right and so i managed to like you know get through the trip and not completely mess up and not do anything stupid yeah any trip that we go on and then when i come back it's like i just have this drive to like get messed up again and like get back into it and i don't care i'm like fuck it and i'm not telling anyone that's the important part here for me if anyone gets anything out of this it's like talking to somebody about what you're dealing with or going through it helps so much man like
Speaker 4i've never been like i i don't think ever in my life until i got sober i don't ever remember being like telling someone like man i'm having a fucking horrible day and i just want to get high right now i couldn't imagine saying that to someone because they'd be like are you fucking stupid you know but most of the time i'm like yeah i'm like yeah i'm like yeah i'm like yeah people don't react like that no exactly it's just in our own yeah we we yes we have the
Speaker 2conversation in our head yeah because we're mind readers you know you say that to me like i was
Speaker 4thinking this i was going through this and you said you talked to nobody i relate to that so much i can think of zero times i ever said that to anyone in my life and it and when you don't
Speaker 2talk about it it's the best idea ever right i have to out myself and blow my spot up oh yeah right as dave says shout out dave yeah i have to blow up my spot when i'm having these thoughts because if i keep them inside it's like fueling a fire right it just keeps getting bigger and bigger secrets keep us sick just bigger and bigger that's a good idea no it's a good idea i'm gonna do that yeah and and you don't bounce it off anyone right it's like starting a business and not asking for like anyone's opinion and you have no you know nothing about business right and you get into it and you're like oh no i got this i'm just gonna use my perspective only right and you don't you don't you don't go and talk to like somebody that's successful right it's it's a it's ridiculous it
Speaker 4helps so much when you're talking like i was like 30 minutes ago i was having this idea and it was just like a different way of making money and no it was not selling drugs it was just this thing online right and i was like really thinking about it and i was like you know first thing i did was i mean anthony talked on the phone we'll talk a little more when you get here and i talked to my other friends you talked to three four people and then like i come to the to their senses that that is a horrible idea and i'm not going to do it it just goes to show sometimes you just got to get out of your own head and talk to someone else i love it it doesn't have to be a scientist or a doctor just talk to your buddy
Speaker 2call your parents or your brother hey can i bounce something off you right like that's what do you think about this it doesn't it doesn't have to be a scientist or a doctor just talk to your buddy it's not it has to be a complicated conversation right and then immediately like maybe that is not a good idea for my for my life am i benefiting to my recovery or am i taking away as jay says am i you know depositing into my spiritual bank account or am i withdrawing yeah is this i love it is this moving me closer to being a better person or further away and being the person i was yeah right and then you know what kind of man do i want to be i had a sponsor that always said that to me what kind of man do you want to be ask yourself that and do my actions reflect that
Speaker 4so you were you you uh you're pretty close to the point now where you end up back with freedom or
Speaker 2yeah then i end up going back to you know treatment in in canada and uh it was probably the best experience i had because i kept the friends whereas in the states i didn't really hang out with them or keep in touch we kept in touch but now it's like we have a group chat right we're all close and that's another thing that benefits in recovery is like if you find your people stay close with them do fun stuff with them recovery can be fun right it can be fun being sober going to you know you can go anywhere in the world you can go anywhere in the world you can go anywhere in the world if you're there for the right reason right i was taught that if i'm spiritually fit if i'm you know going to so let's say i have to go to a wedding and there's drinking everywhere if i go to that wedding and try to you know steal some vicarious pleasure out of other people drinking i'm doomed but if i go to the wedding i'm going to support my friend these are the mindsets right i'm going to support my friend uh i'm going to you know benefit to the conversation am i going to you know i often ask myself am i giving in this situation or am i taking right am i expecting to give in this situation or am i taking right am i expecting to give in this or am i going to go and bring good positive energy and talk with people that helps me a lot right and then when i leave i'm like i had a good night i had great conversations i met new people i have a new phone number that i can hang out with someone and i showed up and you know the the people that i was supporting were happy that i was there because i didn't make a mess i didn't flip a table i didn't punch anyone you know right i didn't pass out drunk or fall asleep at the table right and so yeah i just i came out of that and now i'm i'm just listening man i didn't really want to come to a sober house you know i had seven years i was my ego was like i don't need this i got this right and that's the most dangerous thing you can say in recovery is like i got this you know i don't know what's going to happen next but if i don't pick up i'll be okay right again if i don't if i just don't pick up and tell someone out about my grand ideas and thoughts and what i'm dealing with i'm going to be okay today right so yeah you know long story short that's pretty much the the bulk of it and um yeah i'm just grateful for all my support i'm grateful for you man i love you you know i'm grateful that we can talk openly and honestly and i think there's this big stigma around men like sharing their emotions especially you know women too as well right but there's definitely like my experience you know it's it's always just suck it up right you know don't cry right don't feel this way yeah right and so it's nice to kind of go against that and you know just be honest and transparent we all struggle man like everyone has their struggles you know um trauma is is subjective right trauma is i was always taught that i don't i didn't have to like you know get beat as a child i and i didn't right but i you know you hear some people's stories and it's like that's trauma i don't have any trauma no you do have trauma bro i remember
Speaker 4that like i mentioned i come from a great family and i wasn't beaten or nothing but i would probably
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Speaker 4dude it i would hear some people's stories and i'd be like what the fuck man i didn't have any trauma at all i'm not like some kids some kids went through absolute hell man so i remember like someone explained that to me right so i was like i had no trauma i wasn't beaten as a kid or i wasn't seen or sexually assaulted as a kid or nothing like that and then they'd be like well something happened right i remember my counselor said to me man he said who i was just being caleb being a dick when i first got there i said that in my last video i was having a hard time i was struggling when i first got in there right i wasn't doing drugs and the only reason was because i was literally locked in a facility right and but no other nothing else was changing and like i got kicked out and the counselor looked at me and i'm not going to say his name just for personal reasons but this guy this guy helped me change my life and i'll never forget this guy for the rest of my life man and he looked at me he's like bro who hurt you he said who hurt you man that's powerful like seriously like who the hell hurt you and like all right he gave me a he gave me a couple questions like heavy questions and i we had we spoke twice a week we had sessions right and i had like four or five days to answer these questions and man i wrote some stuff down and like i said i wasn't i had no like complete extravagant situations because that happened to me like where police needed to get involved but there was things that happened that like created certain behaviors sure right you know and made me act the way i did right and like you look at that and the way things the way like how things come about like you don't just wake up one day and become this arrogant lying drug addict things happen that create your environment your environment right you don't have to come from a family of drug addicts and homelessness and in these crazy tragedies tragedies right like because i didn't you didn't and look at where we ended up yeah you know what i mean so yeah it's crazy like trauma is a big thing yeah it's good my treatment center that i went to really really really worked on on like uh trauma based yeah yeah yeah so let me ask you this
Speaker 2then i think this this is helpful to know too for me but for everyone what did your parents do that helped you help me yeah yeah like like how did they get how did they help you like get help get to where you are today yeah
Speaker 4well yeah that's right i just didn't understand exactly yeah well they tried the whole cutting off thing at first and i was you know my parents did not know what to do yeah yeah there's no manual for this manual for this man and like yeah it almost makes me like emotional thinking about it man because like to this day i think i'm still early in recovery and it has it's only been like you know four or five months so my parents are still having a hard time getting over where i put them through it but anyway i'm getting off topic if you're thinking about that but they didn't know what to do they tried cutting me off they tried the whole you know telling me what to do yeah and then i think as i surrendered in a way they kind of surrendered and they they before my last month ever before my last month using for our own treatment they were in contact with an interventionist right my whole family was my grandparents my aunts my uncles so again professional help comes in they did not know what to do yeah right and um for the last couple months man i was had very little contact with them and it didn't bother me at all because i was so high and it's so sad to think about but what they did to help me man was they did not give up on me because wow yeah you know i'm still young and you think well you know you're always going to be their son but i was 23 years old they had no legal reason to key they could have let me fly but they didn't they did i'm sure they thought about it because i was putting them through so much but man one day it was about two days before with the treatment um i was going through some stuff i was hanging out i i had a i was with a girl that i should not have been with and she had kids living at my house right and like this this girl was struggling with the same thing we struggled with man so you know i don't look at her any different it's a sad situation but i should have been around her and i went to my parents house because some stuff was going on and i just wanted to talk to them about it right so i went to their house and they had asked me so many times why i need drugs right and i would i would always have a reason like i'm not addicted yeah yeah yeah you're going to work every day you always have some stupid ass excuse right i remember bro i had no answer my parents my mom i explained it to my mom and my mom's you know my mom is a better listener than my dad right and shout out to my dad i love you but like my mom she's always like my mom and my dad are both my rock but they got they got different like yeah you know different approaches different approaches and i said to my mom and i will not forget this bro right on the couch it was like probably seven or eight at night maybe like six o'clock and i explained to her i'm like mom like i need drugs to just like feel normal i said like you know this conversation we're having right now it's because i'm high yeah like i can't do anything unless i'm like nothing you know i said i wake up every day and the first thing i think about is like how am i going to get money and before i get the money i'm lining it up like my everything i'm doing is centered around getting high and it sounds crazy but it is crazy that's what i was doing and i said i can't stop like i remember saying this to her yeah and and i said that i'm like i cannot stop i don't know what to do and they said look would you get help and i actually it's funny because i didn't clearly remember this whole thing but me and my mother just talked about this a couple weeks ago and she said you you said that you would go get help and i guess i said i'd go get help man and i was in tears crying and my dad brought me back to my house after this conversation and yeah i just remember he's like you know he's like i love you bro like i didn't say i thought my dad doesn't call me bro people say that sorry oh he's like i love you buddy and like uh we're gonna figure this out it was like you know i had some type of hope and then two days later early in the morning man my brother and my my little brother who's like my big brother he's way bigger than me kicks my ass he's a good dude yeah he's a good boy man i love you so much buddy and uh they showed up to my house and that girl and you know they weren't a big fan of her yeah she was a little bit older than me and she was using drugs with me so my parents were too fond of her um you know but my dad showed up and he said hey come inside and to be honest with you man i have an older i have a great grandmother who's 93. wow shout out my grandma julie i know you're not watching this but you know i honest to god thought that they were going to tell me like hey your grandma passed away that's what that's what come to my head and my grandma's still alive don't worry but that's why i said hey come in the garage we got to talk to you i was like okay um and they said like hey we have been in contact with this lady and we want to send you to a treatment center um will you go and i really thought i had like feelings for this girl i was with right that was the one thing that was kind of holding me back like well can i go tomorrow when they're like no like literally 30 minutes pack your bags and we gotta go wow and i was uh oh man i was crying so much and the one thing i'm gonna mention to you man is the one of the largest part of the reasons why i actually made it there because like there was a part of my head and my dad was like he wasn't like you know having by the next you have to go what was he i honestly i did have an option i could have not went yeah sure yeah you had to make the choice to get in the car my father my mother had to pay a lot of money to send me to where i was right and that was just like them being like i just want my son not to die right so my dad was basically like listen dude like if you want to go like and you're gonna do this like we'll send you but like you know don't around so it wasn't like you know like i said it wasn't like hold me by the next thing i had to go and i was like can i think about it for a few minutes no like make a decision you know my dad's like a game time decision yeah yeah let's go let's go what are you gonna do here so i said okay i'll do it so i went in the house and i started second guessing if i was gonna go or not my brother my dad had left right and i well i remember my brother said to me bro this is how i feel like he said to me in the garage like my little brother's my best friend man and he said to me dude man like simple words like that bro just oh you literally feel like conor mcgregor gave me a left hand one of those like old like 2016 left hand that's beautiful man right to the channel wow so i went in the house and i started second guessing going to go i went back in the house and smoked a huge shoot you know that's what i did yeah that's right and that girl was crying and i was crying so i had to go for three months that's a long time bro and i went 12 hours from home wow and she's like she's she was she said like you need to get help and she was sick probably almost we were both very sick man she's like you need to go like you're not doing good and she was a bit older than i was she was about 31 and i was like 23 and she's like you know she said to me like i'm not ever going to change like this is who i am for the rest of my life and i was just like she's like but you you're young you have a chance caleb you have so much potential and this is a drug addict woman saying this to me and i will never forget that man i'll be found thankful for that because that's a large part of the reason that's why i went because i didn't want to go because i don't want to leave her and i had nothing dude she gave she said here i didn't even have a phone because i sold my phone for drugs yeah so she gave me a phone for the ride there downloaded music on it she broke me i was there for 90 days and in like 20 minutes on little pieces of paper she wrote 90 notes for each day i never you never told me that oh yeah i didn't like talking about it but yeah she did that and that's a large part of the reason why i went you know and my parents so she was living at my house and my parents were paying my rent and she's my my parents who who really man they they did the most understanding thing they let her stay there for like an extra that was the last month it was like the middle of the month they said you could say the last two weeks so he you know he you have to get up after that and they let her stay there man and just like shout out to my parents man for like you asked the question how did they help me they helped me in so many ways they're still helping me today you know and like i think that man this you know talking about your story and talking about this right now we gotta really really like think how lucky we are to have you know and i know my parents are watching this right now and yeah thank you guys so much and like even though i say this lots i don't think you understand how thankful i am because like i'm sitting you know in my opinion the best city in the country you know with people i've never met before now my family like this guy's my best friend um i'm following my dreams right now i wake up every day not to not with the raging urge to use drugs anymore i'm like my life has changed drastically in five months to the point where it's almost scary yeah or it's like oh boy i don't want this to change and that's why i work so hard yeah yeah but like i just want to like truly grasp how thankful i am for you guys and again everyone else who mess with me about the video man like it's just crazy to show like that little town man has got a piece of my heart bro yeah people care people are rooting for you yeah man people can think all these people like spicy bro because i would go like the people that like i said i wasn't even super close with like i'd go to the bar and i'd leave the bar that night never there'd be 500 people who were mad at me we used to have parties lots in the bush like camp parties i'd go to those it's supposed to be like two day two two day weekend parties on sat we'd go friday and we're supposed to say until sunday on saturday morning i'd wake up okay everybody was pissed off me i'd have to leave and all those people messaged a lot of those people messaged me like dude i'm so happy to see you doing good wow
Speaker 2so that's all i got to say bro amazing man that was awesome thank you i think uh and let's end with this um but yeah it's like shout out to the support systems right i'm grateful as well thank you for sharing that um something i heard that you know might help somebody that's struggling with an addict a loved one who's in an addiction or alcoholism is like the three c's right so if i have a loved one in my life that's addicted to drugs and alcohol i can't control it i didn't cause it and i can't cure it yeah right it's almost like this like beautiful letting go thing i have to let go and you know they have to find their way their own path you can't force anyone to do anything right but you can do little things get professional help like we talked about and then what worked for me is that completely cutting me off and stopping enabling me by you know giving me a place to stay and because i hit a bottom that i i don't want to ever hit again right i don't ever want to go back to that dark place man it was dark right i was alone i thought right and now i'm
Speaker 4not well you were alone but we were alone yeah it was horrible yeah so um let's end with that man great job love you buddy yeah i love you man i got like i'm thankful for my family bro i'm thankful
Speaker 5for you thankful for you too bro all right bro ryan reynolds here for mint mobile with your summer price forecast now unfortunately we're seeing rising costs across the country with possibility that big wireless hates you 100 now over here at mint mobile we're seeing sunny skies and dropping prices every plan to just 15 a month give it a try at mintmobile.com switch upfront payment of 45 for
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