Episode 2 - BETTER

Wow, hello everyone, if you're listening to this, I don't know why I've been slater, it can be years later, it can be days later or month later. I'm better, this is not my real name, but this is what I thought I would call myself in this podcast. You don't need to know my name, and like I said in the last podcast episode that I don't need to know your name either, I just hope that through this podcast we all can fight hope to be today and to get to be in a better place. So today I want to talk about my song that I started to write it a few years ago when I was really in a bad state of mind and of course the song is called Better. So I will be ready for you, so this is it. So the first verse I'm looking at you, the one in the corner, what are you thinking about? You want to smile, but you have such eyes, you want to speak about the words you want to cry, you slowly move towards the door, but each step you take is like moving a mountain, either left or right, you won't find a way out. Everything you try in just another failure because moving on is like trying to breathe and when you don't have any reasons, just remember that you will get better, better than it is. In our chorus you will get better, you will get better, it will get better, better than it is. Verse 2 and looking around you, sorry. Okay, verse 2 again, looking around you, they all seem happy by you the only one that is not. Will I ever see your smile again or maybe just start sparking your eyes and is it true that they have it all together or just that's what you want to see and looking deep in their eyes, struggle is what you will see, but everything you trying is just another failure because moving on is like trying to breathe and when you don't have any reason, just remember that you will get better, better than it is. This last time was pre-chorus and again chorus will come, you will get better, you will get better, you will get better and better than it is. In the last verse we showed her, but it's a verse that I wanted to finish it for my place, my state of mind. Are you looking for a perfect place, that's the last thing you should chase, but give more love and normalize, we all can make a better place. So this song to finish her honestly saying, I think two days ago the last verse came in my mind and I said okay I think this makes more sense to this song and I had so many verses, so many, how can I say a different story to this song and until I said okay I think this is the best that I think it fits the story of a better, better than it is. As you see it says it starts and looking at you the one in the corner and it's something that I felt like it's me looking at myself and through these times that I've been and these hardships that only mean a new guy. And that's happened in your life, on your phone. So yeah we all have hardships and I don't know when I passed two years ago when I was passing through this really hard time, I was by the beach and I was like thinking what is happening with me, what am I in this state, I don't know if you really know what I'm trying to say right now, it's like you know your bad, you know you're in a really bad state of mind and it's like you don't know how to put yourself together to make you work it out, you know like for yourself. It's like what should I do and I suddenly I hear these lyrics, I'm looking at you, the one in the corner, what are you thinking about and I don't know I started to put it to, when I came back home of course I ran it on my phone, I came back home, I grabbed my guitar and I started to play some chord, this fits quite well and you know the first verse it came like just like that, in those ten minutes I explained the chords, these verses were like so mean, you know, it's like you slowly move towards the door and that door for me is like I want to get out of this state of mind, I don't want to be in this place what I am but it's like by each step it was like really that hard that it felt like moving a mountain and people as you know moving a mountain it's literally possible and that's how I felt and I try to go from left to right trying to find another way out you know but nothing and I kept failing, failing and trying to move on from this day, it was like let I say here is what I was trying to breathe and you know guys if you don't have your lungs or you don't have you know if you're not well in your body no, I don't know if you have asthma, people like asthma or other difficulties with breathing, they know these kind of feelings that is so difficult to breathe and it's like when you have your heart broken you know it's a step time when you cry so much and like you feel like everything is stuck in your throat and it's like it's so hard to breathe and you keep crying but it's so painful and it's like getting harder and harder to breathe so I don't know and I was like thinking like the choruses but everything is trying just another failure because moving on is like trying to breathe and when you don't have any reasons just remember that you will get better better than it is and this is something that I keep saying to myself you will get better because you cannot be worse than it is you know and of course sometimes it was worse than it was but know when you pass through many hardships you are like you kind of starting to gain like a skill like how to handle those hardships you know it's like not handle because you know it's not like oh yeah I can handle hardships you know no I'm a pro in it you know but it's like you look at it in a different perspective in a different point of view and it's like wait a minute I've been through this and look I've done I've attached I overcome it you know so it's like that you're looking from the other point of view am I am I still alive okay so that means it's still good do I still have legs okay that's still good I can still walk I can still let's check that's why I did so for the fun so that's why every every time I have another hardship even if it's different from the last one it is hard but I could say okay let's see what can I learn from this is it like I'm not there because of this hardship and it keeps saying that many people say that through these hardships that I passed through we're so strong and I'm like I don't see myself strong at all really knowing myself I just tried to understand why people say that I'm strong when I know that I'm so weak I see myself so weak because I cry guys when I pass through these hardships and I'm wondering how can I overcome this and you know like suddenly I found myself that wow you passed I did overcome it and passing that hardship doesn't mean that I just wait in my corner and just wait for this to pass and probably everybody knows waiting is too worse than waiting is it is a skill you know waiting for me is the last thing that I will do guys is I'm not going to wait okay and they say I have I'm bankrupt oh I will wait for somebody to bring me somebody and do that no I have to go to do something about it or I lost my job like you all know from the last episode I want to wait just like that and I'm not the kind of person that waits for a job to come to me now I keep searching I was keep searching and I failed and I failed and I kept searching for more than six months and it was like so many jobs said yes and then they said no when it was like I was wondering what is happening you know and but I kept going kept going and I said that must be something it's just impossible so this was my state of mind even if I it was hard and I hated it and I was wondering all my all those hours I was like what is wrong what can I do you know so I kept praying about it as well and I was like god what is happening you know and I kept trying and again a job came to me it's not the best job that I was hoping so far you know it's a job at the moment that's what I needed an additional income and I'm still searching for something that is better for me something that I'm good at it it's it's being such a long process for me to search for something that I'm good at it and I'm like why am I good at it so I keep doing things trying to figure out why am I good at it and I don't know guys they I hear from my friends they're like these are these are these and then when I'm just trying to say if you think that you don't know what can you do for a future what are your skills but just ask your friends ask people that are really close to you what kind of job should I search for and of course guys for me look I am a singer and I do believe I can sing I do believe I can make music but I'm not at that level that I see many many musicians that I'm really really like in love with the voices yeah not with them just with the voices guys I'm not fun or this kind of things but I love music so for me I always wanted to find the job that is related to music and maybe maybe I can do something as well with my gift it's not that you know I know guys I know there's so much more there's so many people that they are so much better than me I know that because if I'm amazed by the vocal skills or by the instrumental music talent that they have I know so many people that they can play over five instruments and I'm like how does people can do that you know and I'm just like I'm here to keep trying to learn piano and it's like wow I would like to do something with music you know so this is my kind of dream job but it doesn't mean that oh yes that will be there for me is there for me maybe it is but maybe true maybe until I get that job I should get the jobs that come that I can find right now at the moment and learn your skills learn sorry learn things that I maybe I will never have the chance to learn again you know and even this job that I'm doing right now oh I hate it from morning till the evening when it starts and finishes but at the same time I realized that the patients that I have with the people that I work for and with the people that I work with it's something that I didn't have a few years ago I will explode a few years ago if this happens the things that happens in this job will happen a few years ago I will explode and I will start to draw things that people in this kind of things so yeah this is this is my daily leave guys they my daily head and that's why I wanted to talk to you about this song I keep hoping that we will get better and better not just waiting they will get better but making this world a better place for myself and for those around me and I said in the last verse are you looking for a perfect place that's the last thing you should chase and I do agree with that guys there is no perfect place and we can make it a better place but like the last two lines of my last verses by giving more love and normalize you know I've been I've been in the state of of giving life to people I don't know how can I express this not people know me as a happy person only spotty person and I love body scars I love bringing people together by doing games or doing trips and stuff you know it's like it's something that I'm good at it this is I know for sure I'm good at it because I love being with people I love people to see I love seeing a smile and forgetting about the worries you know like I will do through this as well you know and for me it's like that gives gives more than waiting to receive and to tell more the truth rather than I say look I'm not good I'm not in a good state of mind and I've been trying to do this with my friends in the last months and I like guys I'm not good ready I'm just I don't like the situation that I mean and you know like you guys you keep giving me encouragement like through your meetings and you know like through your love and and it's like but I'm still not good so I don't know what to do when they're like it's okay they're like it's okay and it's like okay I have them I have still maybe tomorrow you know it's like that for me and I don't know guys I do hope through this you feel like me like it could be a better place and this is my belief that whatever we do whatever we are we can make it a better place even if it's hard even if you don't like it so yeah that's all for today my name is Bella and thank you for listening if if you feel like you have questions or something to say about it you can just email me or the email that I post through this so yeah thank you so much have a great day peace