Episode 182: QIQIL AKO

Hi guys, baka nakalimutan yung na ako. It's been quite some time, three months, which is a long time for me. And actually, it's been a long time since I was a child, then I realized I don't really want to start the year with such a sad episode. So I'll save that content for some other time. But anyway, can I just share if ever there's anyone out there battling Xxima, Xxima, whatever you want to say it? I've been struggling and I'm just letting their ups go on both of my hands. And so I feel like it's affected my mental headspace and also. Also, it's more physically than I thought, right now I can feel it. And I just feel so weak. And I don't know, it's hard to explain the feeling of Xxima to someone who doesn't know what it is, like the burning sensation and the itching and also the pain and. Well, that's a lot. Even water is painful, everything is painful. And even look at it, I'm so scared to shake hands with people or what. Because I feel like I'm feeling contagious, but because I'm a parent, because I'm a parent, I'm a disclaimer in my heart that Xxima is not contagious. But then, of course, I get to know why some people who are not informed much about Xxima could feel that way. And especially in terms of like confidence, and talking to people, I feel like I come off to the inner part of my head. The defensive, now, on the end of the day, but anyway, it's kind of feeling already, although it's been really a pain in the ass. And it's really dangerous in the stage, I feel like I'm a little scared. And then, my new skin and the man there. I don't know if it's gone, I feel like hands, because there are both hands. And even parts of my body are cold and the man. So, I feel like, "Oh, it's something to do with the handles and the touch or whatever." Or, "I'm just gonna put my foot because it's a matter of both left and right." So, I'm just gonna rant about Xxima or whatever you want to pronounce it. I remember this show that I enjoyed watching before. Nobody wants this, right? But that's what my husband, Nilleton, Meister and wife, Nindahak Shepard, Kristen Bell, Kristen Bell, and the guy who was also in Gail Murray Girls. I can't believe if I can't believe it. Nobody wants this. It's the first and the first and the second season, but the first season, I really love it. It was about a show about podcaster and I imagine the topics are very spicy. So, very similar to me, Joanne, I can relate to you. But then, of course, it's not as if it's super same. But, I don't know if I can make any kind of show. I don't know what season is, but I remember distinctly, it's the first season, the pastor or rabbi, rather. The character of the husband, Nilleton, Meister. Sorry, I don't know her name. He was saying that he had Xima and I was like, "Oh, my God. Relatable." But, yeah, anyway. I remember when I saw someone online, like people who have it also, but I guess it's a bit rare, rare, rare, rare in the Philippines, where I'm from. Anyway, I don't want this to be a medical thing because I can't even explain what it is, what causes it and all, because it's different for everyone. And, I think it's a lot cheaper than the state of my hands, because I have this whole album on my phone. It's just a timeline of the Xima and all the journey. Because I've been using all creams and whatever, I don't know how many bending creams. And, this one worked a bit for a superman, but I found a story that sold it cheap, the hand cream version, because it is supposed to be for your face. But, I'm going to put it on my hands. But, then, I think it's a good thing. I know the stories, even Moll, with that app. I don't feel like this, because it's just like your orders. Every time I attempt to order, I don't know what purpose it is with that. Anyway, that's it. I just want to tell you that when I was running out of time, and then I realized that I was already late because of the current state. I feel like I'm already late. Anyway. Actually, I just want to tell you that I was working my first attempt to record. So, it's been so long that I've been doing this for a long time in terms of my whole life. Like, in 2025, I'm running out of money. Not money. It's more of changes in terms of my direction. Like, whether career or whether, whichever part of my life, I'm running out of money. And, I'm just running out of money. But, I don't think this is the right time to talk about those things. Because, I just want to say, well, I know this is kind of a process that I try to work on myself in terms of trying to deal with things I've been through like real time as you guys watch me. But, there are some things that I feel like I might be better off fighting my silent battles first instead of broadcasting it to the. I wouldn't say whole world. I mean, to the whole niche, like, to the whole people who still watch. But anyway. So, recently, because I didn't really share this with Shando publicly. But, someone in the immediate family was hospitalized. And I had to be with them in the hospital. But, it was high and low. So, it was a very. ramming emotions going through all that. Because, of course, if you're with the loved one who's dealing with something you want to be strong for them. Even if you're sad or you're worried, you try to keep it yourself. Because, I don't want to be stressed anymore. But, at the same time, it's tough to deal with. And especially, I don't really remember the real decisions. Because, as I mentioned, I didn't really post about it. Then, a very recent now, I think that family member was discharged to this morning along them. So, with that, I don't really remember. Because, obviously, some people would still. I would be in contact with whether in Telegram or wherever. And, usually, I don't have close friends and relatives' family, of course. But, some people would be messaging, "Oh, are you typical of people who check up on me again?" "Excuse me, if. " Even after saying that, I was dealing with all that in the hospital, I was really worried. But, they would still attempt to, like. not just flirt with me, or they would attempt to try to get me to send selfies. So, they would just say, "Are you serious?" Or, "Well, it's just a moment." Then, I realized, "Are you okay?" "Is this real life?" Like, I know moments. I know what we're talking about this week. Because, you know how? Like, I know, I'm not. I'm a semi-public figure. Figure. But, when people message me, "I expect, I'm still like a normal person." Not that we have any right to talk to anyone in a certain way. But, I mean. When I was little, I had a lot of people. It's not just one. It's like multiple people who would be even after knowing that I was dealing with all that. They would still expect for me to flirt back, or for me to send them a naughty photo, or for me to diss or that. But, I was like, "What are you doing?" And even now, I'm like, "What are you doing?" I can't imagine doing that to someone. Even if I put in my head, "What if I'm not who I am now?" Like, "What do I do that to someone else?" It's not that common sense. If someone's dealing with something like that, you wouldn't try to ignore that moment, and try to get certain things. But, just for your own enjoyment, for your own release, it's just like. I'm just kidding. Anyway, that's what I'm talking about. Usually, after I'm a bitch about something, I would apologize to someone, "Oh, sorry." But that's one thing. For me, I realized that people really. Some people really think I'm not the person. Oh, this is just a girl from Reddit or wherever. This is just a person who has a bodgas, and that's it. I'm not the person to them. And I realized that no one's entitled to my time. And this year is August 26th. I feel like that's part of my. I don't know, something I want to start doing. What I do now is still the kind of filter who I engage with and not really filter in a sense, filter based on certain parameters. Oh, they have to hit certain graded areas and whatnot. It's not like a grading system or what. I feel like it's more if I'm compelled to reply to someone than I do. And like, from the people who messaged me from different apps, more or less, I try to read everything, try keyword, try. But say, go out of the hundred. A hundred, let's say a hundred. I would read probably 70%. A good 70%. And then I would respond to from that hundred, I would read 70. From that 70, I would respond to maybe five. From that five, I'd probably give my telegram to one or less. Does that make sense? Oh, that's not like fact-checked. It's not as if I have the time to extrapolate all the data and like really try to pinpoint. It's just the percent of the data. I don't really understand. But I feel like it's somewhat like that. And probably going on then for most people. I mean, most women on Reddit. But yeah, including IG and everything. It's about like that. So for me, the fact that I. There were people on my telegram who were acting that way. So around that I know. Because it's not as if I give my telegram to just anyone. And then the fact that those people had my telegram, but it still treated me in that way. It's just like I used to read my telegram. And you know what I mean? Because that's what I mean. When I read my telegram, it pushed me to start this episode. And I don't know if I'll end up watching this. But then, well, some did end up apologizing. And I do what I do want to accept. And why I want to believe that the genuine. And then, the change of heart that they realized, you know what I mean? But it's the 2-D set. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. And if you know me and you live, if you know me. I'm under the moon. I've been pushed over before, before, before. But I mean, now, not as much. But I mean, I tried to be. I tried to respond. I tried to respond. I tried to respond with kindness. Because I'm not. No, it's not. But yeah, that's what I did recently. And then. I realized that I haven't had my period in a while. Although I do have. Because so, I'm a little tired. Although, I'm a little tired. Wait, even if I'm in a hurry today, I feel like it's valid. I feel like there's something there. And some of the conversations I've had recently. And then, to the point, I feel like some people. They're like, "Oh. I just have a message." "Once that person is okay." I hope the effort. So, I'm only good to talk to. If it benefits them, I'm willing to. flirt back or something. Not that I always do. But then. It's like I'm just like Silbiko. And I do know. I'm just misleading. Because my name. I answered the platform. It's very. It has a certain word in it. I feel like. People tend to treat me that way. But then. I don't really know what the realisation is. These are things that I think I want to leave behind. In 2025, although in 2021, we've been together for a long time. Moving to more. I guess, something I'm happy about. My hair. As you can see, it's not just super-ababab, but I've been talking for multiple episodes. I'm trying to grow my hair and my content progress. Although, I feel like. It looks longer and real-life to me. And also, I have a lot of hair. I don't really have a lot of hair. Anyway. So. And my goal is. to reach the. and the waste area. But so far, it's just a lot of hair. Here. It's just a lot of hair. But I feel like if you watch back. the older episodes, the one from 3 months ago. Well, now do you think of it? For considering 3 months, I don't really have a lot of hair. And. still. I feel like. I feel like. I have a lot of hair. And I really have to cut my hair. But then, I don't think I can do this. My mom always tries to convince me. "You have to cut it and trim it to make it look better." But then, I realize that every time I trim it. my neck will grow before my next haircut, supposedly. It's less than the trim. So, I mean, it's like I'm not gonna have a forever. So. Anyway, I'm gonna try not to cut it. It's been. I believe more than a year since I've cut my hair. I think my last haircut. so I cut it short. It's really long. So now. It's really long. And in fairness, the highlights I mentioned are not that long. But. I think it's decent enough. And since it's really long, I'll retouch my hair. I feel like I'm just gonna keep my hair as it is. It's not super long. It's where the color ends and where the. natural hair starts. It's really long. It's where the natural hair ends. Even the color of the hair starts. I think that's more appropriate. As you guys can tell, I'm shy. Well, I am shy. I'm feeling shy. But then. I hope. my next episode is about to end. I feel like it's gonna be too long. I'm gonna cut it short. Since I've started this podcast, I'm just so in the zone feeling, "Oh, I'm a pro." Then I realized, I don't know. I'm just talking to myself. And this is just a visual diary for me. If you've seen Avatar, do you know what it's like to log to Jake? Jake's name is Jake Sully? Sully? I'm gonna throw Avatar. Because I know FWP is our TikTok. But anyway, it's my first one. I'm just talking to. not sure if it's a real linear, or talking to future generations. But I feel like I'm just talking to myself. And as much as I like talking to myself, and staying in my own bubble, I do miss interacting with people. Although I'm afraid, feeling the social skills and the social battery. So, to engage in a full conversation with people. And I won't go. I really doubt my questioning skills or interviewing skills. And very sensitive to what I do. Because I know questions say a lot about who we are, or what we think. I remember, I believe it's what I'm talking about. But then, there was a time my dad was lecturing before, and he was talking to me. And he would grade students based on the questions they would ask. And not the answers they could give. So, the process of asking questions. I feel like I'm an intern. I want to improve my skills. If I'm fast, or if I want to improve my skills, because what I do feel like a lot of the feedback I got early on about the podcast. People with a very guest-dependent show, in terms of like listeners would tell me that people who would really watch out for the future episodes. I mean, people who are really interested in the concept. So, it's so good. It's so good. It's so good. It's so good. That's what people think. It's so good. It's like I said, the guest-driven, because I guess I'm kind of, in a way, I kind of match people's energy. And if it's for me to keep the conversation going, I'm just like saying out the ending for some of the listeners before. I don't know if listeners' parents are there. They were saying, since guest-driven, they are really happy, because they don't know until they actually listen to an episode if they really want to learn it or not, because it's not consistent with the quality of episodes. And while I take that comment as a way for me to still improve, because I know even if it shouldn't be guest-driven, I know guest-driven in a way that I want them to share their stories, but I should still be steering the wheel and trying to help make something out of it. Although, I guess, for me, the goal is to listen to stories of people and not have that mindset that there has to be a certain way of storytelling for it to be worth saying or sharing, because I guess that's part of what's intimidating about putting yourself out there, right? And I don't want to make anyone feel, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Although, I've considered it before for different reasons, monetization, et cetera. But I feel like I've made this like and like racial on YouTube, and I don't want, because I don't want, because I don't need to do that if ever I'm doing something like that. I feel like I'm doing something like that. So I don't want any guests to come in and see that. But I'm having this like this episode where I shared my stories. But I'm having this like this. And well, at least it's spotify without that. So I feel like it's a safer space for storytelling. But I know there's that pressure. I still want to improve overall, but I don't want to put the pressure on the guest, because it should be on me, not on the guest. And I guess, I guess, I'm sorry. I guess, in some ways, I'm not bidding for saying pre-production that other podcasters do that I don't, because I'm a lazy motherfucker. And also, because I don't really have the time to do that. And I barely have time to do what I want to do. So with that, every weekend, it's very amateurish until now, even if I'm almost five years in this industry. Industry? Wow, the show is so busy. I don't know if I'm an artist, but a lot. I have this feeling, because it's been a long time since I was a child. Well, I'm a child, of course. What? If I feel like I'm a part of the heart. It's a serious one, gopomaya, I'll try to be an artist or something. I mean, if I'm an artist, I'll try to be an artist. But I don't feel like that. And what do I do now? I'm turning, I'm turning 3D this year. I'm equally excited and terrified, but mostly excited. Although, not mostly excited. I guess, mostly scared. Because I feel like I thought, I thought, by this time, I'm going to be like, "I'm going to be like this, but then it's not going to happen." But at the same time, I'm not going to be too hard on myself. And it's one thing that you want to have ambitions and goals. And also another thing that's not too. It's not too diminished or not too. We don't know how concrete goals are in some people's chief. They want 30 to 40. 30 under 30. There's no list, etc. But for me, I try to still keep people with kindness. Although, yes, if I'm a part of it, then I'm going to snap. But there are times where you have to stand up for yourself then. But overall, I guess it's how we treat people. Like, I want to remember. To be remembered based on how I've treated people. I don't treat people because I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know how to deal with them. But I treat them in a way. That's how I treat people. I treat them as my dad jokes. Actually, I have a couple of times. And there are some jokes. My dad gets the joke that I don't know. When my mom would be. I don't know. Anyway. I hope you guys had a wonderful new year. I hope you had an event for a year. And what starts with the new adjective? It's amazing. 2025. And I know it's in 2016. Suppose I'm a year of the rat. And I'm really happy that it's not a good year for us. A year of the rats. So just a year of the rats. It's not a good year for us. But at the same time, I don't know. The Chinese zodiac or the horoscope on the Chinese horoscope. I mean the year of the rat thing. Or me being an aris. I feel like I'm more forgiving because of the horoscope on the aris side. So instead of the year of the rats, the year of the rats. So I'm really happy that it's a good year for me. But at the same time, I remember one of the last things I sent an old ex fling, I guess. Was that I sent him a photo for this new year. Supposedly year of the rat. Because I feel like I'm reading or something. It's gonna be a 5 out of 5 or 4 out of 5 for the romantic aspect of your life. It's just a year of your family. And then the year of the rat. That's how I feel. I remember, I think I sent something along the lines of like. I'll share my lock with you or whatever. It's just like that. It's like one of the things for some reason. I'm really happy. I'm not really happy for each other. My romance aspect is just like one out of five. But then, if that's true, but then look at the map. It's not just a prosperous year for me in terms of career. It's just exactly like that. So maybe it's not that far from me. I don't know. I remember the start of COVID. It's like a certain function master. Not a lot of luck for saying it was gonna be a prosperous new year for everyone. For businesses, it's just to be like COVID happened. And then you got bashed for it. 'Cause it bashed for it. 'Cause you know, it's not like that. But in some ways, I feel like there were certain industries in the industry. There were certain entrepreneurs that emerged during the pandemic. And it's crazy to. It's crazy that six years ago, you know. But yeah, I'm kinda still stuck in that season. Poro, sushi bake, poro. Ube pande sal. And I remember my friend, my colleague before his office, she was selling Ube pande sal and sushi bake. And it was really cool. At first, it was just a way to support people who lost their jobs. So I wanted to sell or make money. But then I found myself ordering sushi bake. Like, try a week. Or order Ube pande sal. Try a week. And it was really good. It was really cool. And Ube pande sal. Every week. It was crazy. But still. When I look back, you know what I'm saying. And I guess not to diminish how hard it was. I will also lost loved ones because of COVID. But you're the part of what I remember most. It was just a frenzy of sushi bake and the go na coffee. And Ube pande sal. But yeah, it's not really the point. I forget what I remember. But I remember, you know, year of the pandemic. Year of the rat. It's an old dog. And yeah. Okay. I feel like you know what I'm saying. Because before the year of the rat, I'm sure that I remember. That I remember before. But yeah. Victor. Victor. But yeah. That's a funny story. But I think it's not interesting enough because I remember. Anyway, I'll stop with that one. And this is me saying hi again and hoping that this year I'll be able to. And did you know that I'm going to upload more frequently? Because I know that there are five episodes I think. That's why I said that I want to upload when I really want to say something. And not just because my pressure. I need to upload weekly. Which before that, I remember. There was a time. I was so consistent uploading every week. But it came to a point that my heart wasn't in it. That's why I'm uploading. I would try to push that episode. But now, I feel like I'm in a good place in my life. And I hope to be in a good place. I hope to be in a better place. But still on Earth, when I'm on Earth. But overall, I think this year I want to start getting into a lot of things. And reconnecting with myself. And actually, I've been starting journaling with them. Well, I would write them before. Although I only have them with it. I really want to start uploading. But on purpose, if I use my journal, I don't have it. Because I have my own fear. I feel like I'm in the deepest darkest thoughts. I'm not a dark, dark person, but I mean, there are things that I want for myself. But at the same time, I know if I'm a type, I'm just like. I'm sure I know what I'm going to do. Because I'm afraid to look at my own thoughts. Because I'm a very low handwriting to the point that I'm not that good. Like, it's not that good. And I feel like super. I feel like they're trained to read handwriting. And they're transcribing a journal or a diary of someone important. Even if it's an expert, I don't know how to read the journal. Because I have a lot of things that I want to read. I just know what I'm going to do. So, I'm staring at the stack of notebooks beside me. Because I already have a notebook collecting. And most of them, I try to use it. And I already used it before. Because I have a lot of things that I want for a better occasion. But if I feel like writing or using something. And usually, I just use it when I shop with clothes or bags or whatever. Then I see that I'm getting shot good. Because I'm feeling good. If I don't get it right after purchasing it. If I get it right, then I'll lose it. Because there are some things that I'm going to cover another day. And I don't have a lot of things. So, yeah, I've been using the things that I have accumulated. If I have accumulated, it's just. Courky stuff. Because. But yeah, I have this mirror beside me. This is. I'm looking now at the desktop. But right beside it. I have a giant mirror. I think it belonged to my mom before. But I just put it in my room. I've been putting stickers on it. And that's what it looks like. I would say. Like the space. 25% of all the stickers. So, I've been collecting stickers. It's a story. It's just me who bought the stickers. And then I put it just to fill it up. Each sticker has a story for me. And then I put it all the way back. But then, there are some from the. I'm talking about seminars or lectures. And some from pop-art blind boxes. Some from cafes. Some from the bird control pillow for my pee. I'm trying to read these things. I'll read them. Some from. The friend of my cousin. Because things that are memorable to me. It's not memorable specific to me. But then, my story. It's about my. Sticker from. What's the gender reveal of the baby of my cousin? One of them. Berger is a bakery. One of my cousins. And then. One of them. And then. Baojen. With my old. Officemate. Turned friend. She was very close to me. I was very close to me. namin naman na naman para ang photo print, photo booth shots. Ano ang isa, bingay ng one of my exano, distant relatives na para ang tag nalagay ko yan. Wala, just little stories. And para ang scap bok, nana nalagay ka nalagay ka nalagay. Hala, what if mga ubustani-space di to sa mirror ko? Wadja, nalagay ka nalagay ka nalagay. Nann, saan, anis di ayunig ng internal debate ko as a person neering her. Asin, how many months away from my 30s? If you look at my room, anisid, so funky and colorful and loud, very me. Heck, there's so much going on. Raming toys and raming artworks and raming. Wala, it's very makaulay. And if you need me, it's a very. It's a very personality, a very major child dish. Childlike, I mean, claiming a childlike. But I mean, very. When I'm in my room for a long time, Anosha, very. I don't know how long I've been here. I've been here for five years. It's very big for me to know how long I've been here. I mean, I've been here for a long time. And then, when I think of what I want to do, I want to move out, I want to space the most minimalist organ. But then I realize, is that really me? Like, this mirror, it's not exactly aesthetically pleasing. It's not the most important thing in the Pinterest. So, if I move out and move to somewhere, I'll end up having a space for it, or if it matches. It would match the furniture I'd have in my new home. Well, at the same time, I keep talking about wanting to move out. But I still also can't imagine living away from my parents and my whole family. I still want to be close to them, so I can see them. If I move out, I can see them everywhere. They're usually just like me. If I just move out, I feel like I'd always just be at home. So, it's that dilemma also for me. But at the same time, it's not my problem. Because I can't afford to move out. And although some people tell me, it starts small. You can start with a spot you could afford there again. But at the same time, I feel like I can have an idea if I want to move out. I want to do it this way, or a certain way. And if it's not that, then wait for it. I'd rather stay at home. All or nothing. I'm kind of on all or nothing, girl. But anyway, I don't really know. I'm not in a rush. And I love staying at home. And I'll just dress her my time here. I have to dress her my time here. It sounded like dress her my time here on the earth. But I mean, dress her what I have. Dress her, dress her. I'm gonna buy a moment. I feel like when I say certain words. And I feel like I'm gonna do it again. Because it doesn't sound like a word anymore. Anyway. I want to share some of the things I got for Christmas. So, my tradition comes from my mom. She's my secret Santa. And I have a lot of things. So, she got me this. "Toy, Tokyo." I love it. And also, a lot of things. Like, a lot of wishless colors. Even exceeding the budget. And also, I have this my melody. Oh my god, it's so cute. She's so cute. It's so much cuter in person, guys. And. My white cast is a screen recording. Anyway. I think that's it. I think that's it. I'm gonna go back to reading. And that's my progress. So, hopefully. I'll be back. Although, it's hard to read. Because it's not a post on series. So. I'll be back later. I'll be back. Because that's my next book. And the series. Excuse me. What's your name? I burp. Anyway. Thank you for listening. Watching rather if you're tuning in. And also watching. And yeah, I'll see you guys. Maybe next week or next next week.