Episode 1: The Art of Connections

[Music] Welcome to the Connections Cafe, where we focus on brewing healthy and effective communication skills through understanding the insights, strategies and concepts of communication. I'm your host, Ripco Walker. And before we get started today, I just wanted to say, thank you. Thank you for choosing this podcast to help you to grow in the art of communication, because as I mentioned in the introduction of this podcast, communication is a skill. It is something that can be learned over time and improved upon. So for today, we're going to be talking about the art of connections. And understanding why interpersonal communication is indeed important to your life. So if you haven't done so already, go get a hot cup of coffee or tea and sit back and relax and listen to this podcast for today. [Music] So you've probably heard the expression. People aren't meant to do life alone. And if you have heard that expression and understood it, then chances are you have somewhat good of understanding of what interpersonal relationships are and interpersonal communication. Now that doesn't mean that you know how to communicate effectively within those interpersonal relationships, but chances are you understand what it is. So this is true. That statement is 100% true. In fact, there is a landmark study that was done in 1979 by Lisa Berkman and Leonard Simon. That could basically said that people who have strong social ties were three times less likely to die than those who were less connected to others. Now you probably will say something like, you know, well we're all meant to die. We're all going to die someday and you will be right. But I guess what they were saying is that you have more life quality than those who don't. Because in a study, a recent study that was conducted by the social, psychological and personal science, they basically said the same thing. But they even took it a step further to say that even the simplest form of social interaction will increase your life expectancy and your life satisfaction. This is like saying hello to someone on the street or even saying thank you to someone. So listen, our connections with people is crucial to our mental, emotional and physical health. But you know, facts or facts, doing life with others can be hard. And they often offer unexpected twists and turns that you may or may not be ready to handle. You may find navigating through interpersonal conversations and situations easy and seamless. But for other people, they may find it to be difficult. Either way, don't worry, I'm here to help. Because like I mentioned earlier, this is a skill and we're going to we're going to master it, right? And so in order to master it though, it's not just about listening to this podcast or completing a few additional assignments or just, you know, listening and learning. But it's also about doing and applying. It's not just about hearing, but about doing. And so that's what we're going to hope that you do after listening to today. So before we get further, let me define what interpersonal communication actually is. So interpersonal communication is the verbal and nonverbal interaction between two intermittent people. Now, we've always hear the saying of independent people. So I and D E P E and D E and D do you know what that means? Yeah, that independent people means that these people are separate. They do life separately. They can, you know, they don't need anyone. But that's not what interpersonal communication is. Interpersonal communication rather is this interaction between interdependent people. So I and T E R D E P E and T D and T. Yeah, interdependent people. So this essentially sets a state that we do life together. What you say, what you do affects me. What I do and what I say affects you because we're interdependent of one another. And so when we understand this, this opens up this large idea of interdependency or this interpersonal relationship. Now, interpersonal relationships don't necessarily have to be people who you're really close to. But it can also be people that you see, you know, on the street. So let's say a plumber or during an interview, you don't really know those people yet. But there's still considers it be an interpersonal conversation. Now listen, there's two reasons why interpersonal communication is important. The two reasons are that, you know, they matter for your career. But they also matter in those relationships that you have in your life. So for personal success, you are able to build these healthy relationships with close friends, romantic partners, family members, and community. From a professional or career standpoint, you're able to ace that interview, right? Have those daily interactions with coworkers and your boss. And it helps you to obtain and maintain those relationships within a personal arena. So in learning how to effectively use interpersonal communication, it is beyond just, you know, it is beyond just the networks that you create. But it's about maintaining them over time. So I know I already told you who are going to be talking about interpersonal communication. And we've already started to scratch the surface of that concept. But I do want to let you know that this is only scratching this, this tip of the iceberg. There are actually six different types of communication that we'll talk about on this podcast. And those include things like intrapersonal communication. And this is when you communicate with yourself. Small group communication. And this is when you're communicating with a group of individuals that can all participate in the conversation. Public communication or public speaking, which is communication that occurs in a group where not all members can be active participants. Mass calm, which is talking about communication that is transmitted to a large widespread audience. And then organizational communication, which is communication that occur in a structured collection of people. Oftentimes this could be like at work or in a nonprofit organization. Essentially anywhere that there is people in a structure, hierarchy, and things like that. And so with that understanding, we're going to go back to the first concept, which is interpersonal communication. And as we continue to understand interpersonal communication or just communication in general, let's talk about those attributes. So we've already talked about that first attribute, that interdependency. And so this is where we say that people are connected in some way. An example that I like to give you is a mother and a child's relationship. The mother communicates a sets of rules or laws that the child is supposed to, you know, they're supposed to do. And then the mother will not only have to tend to the child, but they also have to bear the weight of the consequence. So for example, if a child burns themselves on the stove, the parent says, "Hey, don't touch the stove. The stove is hot." You might burn yourself. The mom turns her back and then the child actually touches the stove. Then that consequence is not just for the child, but for the mom. Because now the mom has to tend to the child to make sure that the burn is taken care of, right? Likewise, if the child breaks something in the store, then the mom bears the consequence or the relationship with the child, where they have to then pay for the thing that it has been broken. So therefore there is a financial strain and an emotional strain that both of them share. And so that's an example of this interdependency. Now, as I mentioned before, though, the interdependency doesn't have to be from an interpersonal where we're very, very close to that person. But it can also be between impersonal people, for example, if you have a problem with your toilet and you call a plumber, there's this interpersonal relationship that happens because you need the plumber. The plumber also needs you. You need the plumber to unclog your toilet and the plumber needs you to pay him or her, right? And so there's again this interdependency. Also, the plumber may need you to give a good report at the end of their service and leave a nice review, right? And so there's this interdependent where connected in some way. Now, the next attribute is that it is relational, is inherently relational. These interpersonal communication or conversations can be found in the chat. and not exist outside of a relationship. So we must do life together. So the types of relationships that you seek solely depends on the interpersonal conversation or communication that is expressed between those two individuals. For example, if I want to have a friend that I'm gonna communicate to that person, like a friend would communicate. But if I want to have a deeper relationship with someone, like I wanna be someone's girlfriend and boyfriend, that's not married. So I've already done the hard work. But in your case, if you wanted to be a boyfriend or a girlfriend to someone, then you're gonna speak to them in an interpersonal way that will promote that relationship, right? So these relationships are always dependent dependent upon how you communicate within them. So even though I'm married, if I wanna stay married, then I'm going to have to communicate in a way that is pleasing to my husband, that keeps us in our relationship. That is how it lasts, right? And so interpersonal communication is inherently about relationship. It also exists on a continuum. This is where I start talking about that impersonal person versus that highly interpersonal person. So what's the difference? I mentioned already that that impersonal person, that highly impersonal person might be a plumber, right? Or a teacher, or a bank teller, right? Someone that you hardly know, but you have to do life with them. There is some type of interdependency between you two, right? That's highly impersonal. But then we might have that highly interpersonal person like your mom, your dad, your spouse, your children, et cetera. And so because there is this highly interpersonal relationship, speaking and communicating with them is easier. Whereas for an impersonal person, it might be a little bit more difficult for you to have those conversations. And so the level of disclosure that you may have within those relationships may not be high versus the conversation that you have within those highly interpersonal relationships will be high. Now, going back to the definition, it involves verbal and nonverbal messages, right? And so we should all know that verbal and nonverbal messages are, but sometimes they contradict. So the verbal messages would be what I'm doing here, what you're listening to. Verbal, hearing my voice, but there's also things like vocal variety, so like the way that I'm speaking it. But there's also nonverbal messages. And these are things that you probably don't see or hear on the podcast, but these nonverbal messages would be things that you can see someone doing, right? Or that you can gauge their personality or how they're feeling, et cetera, et cetera, based off of their nonverbal. But sometimes verbal messages and nonverbal messages can contradict. And this is when communication can be miscommunicated. So this is why communicating on mediated forms like this, like this podcast, or through Zoom, or Facebook, or text messages, can sometimes be very difficult because we can't determine someone's true intentions because we can barely tell what they're trying to say or gauge the full picture of what they're trying to say rather. So for example, if there is someone who's sending you a text message and they use all caps, chances are you're going to say all the person might be upset with me or they're yelling, but in actuality, they probably just can't see their phone, keyboard, and so everything is in all caps. But because you don't know this, right, it's probably hard for you to gauge. When nonverbal and verbal communication contradicts, it can often leads to miscommunication. So we want to make sure that what we say is also what we're doing, right? You've probably heard the expression that you can tell me that you love me, but I know that you love me by your actions. And so that's essentially what it is. This verbal and nonverbal, they must agree in order for effective and healthy communication. So nonverbal cues that contains meaning sometimes they don't match, as I mentioned. But they still carry meaning, nonetheless, they can help to enhance, supplement, or contradict what is actually being said. Those messages can come through as being reading between the lines. And so nonverbal communication can modify the meaning of something. It can convey sarcasm or show that the receiver interprets it into a context of a joke or if they have mis-understanding and miscommunication. And so we want to make sure, again, as I mentioned, that these match so that we can have this effective communication. Now, we can move on to the next one that it exists in varied forms. Now, I've already mentioned this idea of mediated communication, where interpersonal communication happens using a medium. This can be face-to-face, text messages, phone calls, emails, et cetera. These are contemporary ways that we use interpersonal conversations and communicate between people. But it is vitally important that you master interpersonal communication in a variety of different medium because you never know when you're going to have to have conversation with people and how you're going to be-- how you're going to need to communicate. And so when we're talking about this mediated communication, there are two ways that you can communicate through that. The first way is called asynchronous form of communication and the second is synchronous. So we're going to talk about the first one. The first one, asynchronous, means that you are getting either a pre-recorded message or something that has been sent and it's not something that you can interact with live. So for example, if you're taking a class online, material is placed on the canvas site or whatever site your school is using. And you're able to see the pre-recorded messages, do the assignments, but it's not done in real time. Where asynchronous, that means that you're actually meeting with someone. So that could be done through a Zoom, it could be face-to-face, it could be a phone call. Essentially, the message is being sent from the center and it goes directly to the receiver with no interruptions. So asynchronous, there's an interruption. Synchronous, there's no interruption. When we think about asynchronous, this could be anything from like an email. I've already given an example of Canvas, but let's talk about the email example. How many of you have ever received an email from Salati? And immediately you want to just type something like, give them a piece of your mind. The cool thing about an email or even a text message is that you are given an opportunity to type everything that you want to say and then have a pause before you actually present. I don't know how many times I've done that, but I'm so grateful for asynchronous forms of communication because I'm able to stay my entire mind, put it there and then before pressing, go back and clean it up a bit and so that I can keep a job, you know? And so that's one of the beauties of asynchronous communication. Where asynchronous, you better think about what you're going to say before you say it in your head because once it's out, it's out. That's another thing about communication that people forget. Oftentimes we want to say what we want to say and then go back and say sorry, but the chances are if you say something, it is done. It is set in stone. You can apologize, but you cannot take the words back. And so that is synchronous forms of communication. But the same thing is true for asynchronous because if you post something on social media or send an email, even if you try to erase it, it's still actually there. So think about what you're going to say before you present or before you say it. So there are two models of communication for interpersonal communication. Honestly, for every formal communication is a fundamental understanding. So for communication, there's two models. The first one is the linear model and the next one is the transactional model. When we think about linear, we can think about it being done in a line. It's a one-way process in which one party sends a message. It's transmitted through a channel and it's received by a recipient or it's received by a receiver. Essentially, it's a sender channel and a receiver. That's it. Forms of linear model communication that we can see in our real life would be things like this podcast. But it can also be like the radio or television. We are sending messages through a channel. In this case, it is whatever you are, whichever platform you're listening to this podcast. I'm sending a message to the channel. Then it gets to your receiver, which is you. Now I don't know what's on the other side of this podcast. You could be driving in your car so you're experiencing outside noises. You could be a single mom or parent who is helping your children with homework right now. And so you might have little children in the background. maybe you know doing other things where you have outside noises and I don't know what those things are. And so those, that is the noise that I have to overcome. This within your environment. On my side, I have children. You probably can hear them there on the other side of the door, but that is the noise and the environment in which I'm in. So I can do everything possible to mitigate that the noise so that you can clearly hear the message that I'm saying, right? And so this is all happening through a linear model of communication. Now there's a second model of communication, which is transactional model of communication. Now this one accounts for how conversation works. We can also call this the exchange. This is where again, there is a sender and a receiver and messages are going through a channel. But this time we're counting for feedback. So as the sender sends a message through the channel, overcomes the noise. The receiver receives it. They decode the message. So they interpret what it's being said to them. They come up with the conclusion and then they send a message back to the sender. This is again called a transactional model of communication, the exchange. We are both sender receiver are both encoding and decoding messages sending and receiving messages. Now one thing that I like to say about the transactional model or an example that I like to use is thinking about how transactions work when you're buying and selling something. So I'm at the grocery store and I'm buying groceries. I'm going to give a mix of nonverbal and verbal communication to let the cashier know that I am ready to check out. So I'm going to say things like, hey, I'm ready to check out. Probably not. You're probably just going to take your groceries from out of your cart, put it on the, you know, the conveyor belt, whatever it's called. And then the groceries are going to move towards the cashier who's going to get intrigued in their mind. This person's ready to check out. And as that person is doing the transaction, they're able to ring your things up. You're able to say, hey, I want that. I never mind. I change my mind on that. They're able to ring you up and then give you your total then you're able to pay for your goods. Right. And so this is a transaction. This is back and forth of verbal and nonverbal messages. We're counting for this feedback that happens within real conversation. So as I mentioned, there's two forms of the two different models of communication, linear and transactional. Now, what does all of this mean? Right. How does this help me to understand interpersonal communication? Well, it helps us to build a foundation. Interpersonal communication helps us in many ways. The first one is that it helps us to learn. We are able to understand how other people receive conversation or interactions with it with us, but it also helps us to learn more about ourselves. It also helps us to relate because going back to the beginning of the conversation today, adults, people in general are not meant to do life alone. And we understand that when we're in these interpersonal relationships, we can reduce the amount of stress that we have. We can live longer. We can have better mental and physical health. And so we can also help other people. It can also help us to influence. And this is the process in which we can begin persuading others or help people to change their different beliefs, attitudes and values. And then lastly, it helps us to play, to relax, enjoy ourselves. And so it helps us to self express as well as to acquire and give pleasure. And so interpersonal communication, as you can tell, is vital to the human experience. So let's recap. So today we've learned about the art of connection. Why connection sense is important. We defined interpersonal communication. We talked about the two models of communication, as well as talked about why it is actually important. Please join us next week as we continue on our journey to learn more about interpersonal communication and why it is impactful for your life. What that said, I would love to hear your viewpoint. So here's a few questions for you to think about. What do you think about interpersonal communication? Now that we've talked about just the first part of it, the second question is what do you think is the most detrimental thing that hinders effective interpersonal communication? And then the third thing is what are ways you believe someone with poor interpersonal communication can improve? Like I mentioned, I would love to hear your viewpoint. If you would like to send an email with your viewpoint and your understanding of these questions, feel free to email me at [email protected]. That's rippka. R-I-B-Q-A-H at V-T-H-G inspired. I-N-S-P-I-R-E-D routes. R-O-O-T-S. Thank you for joining me. I'm Ripp Kowakker. Shalom, Shalom.