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Speaker 4Welcome to Recovering Out Loud Podcast with your hosts, Anthony and Caleb. The opinions expressed here are those of the individuals and not of any organization. Please help support the show by donating in the link. Enjoy the show. All right, fuck, man. We finally got this going. I know. I feel like this has been going on for a long time. Oh, we've been talking about it for like, what, two months now? Yeah. Yeah, man. All right, well, I was thinking, fuck, we've been thinking about ideas for a while. And I guess we'll start off by giving our short versions of our stories and go from there. I mean, we're learning in the process. But I think the main reason I wanted to start this was, you know, I think I wanted to help people out there that have no idea. I think I wanted to help people out there that have no idea about recovery, right? Because, I mean, you're somebody that came in and you have no idea how to get sober. Zero idea. Yeah, so, like, why don't you talk about, like, what your life was like in active addiction?
Speaker 5Yeah, well, yeah, just to touch on what you said first, like, well, I'm from a small, small community, right? And, like, there's, like, literally, like, not even 2,000 people where I live. And before I, you know, got some help with my problem, I just thought, like, either you did drugs or you didn't do drugs. And for the people that did do drugs and alcohol and had a problem, I thought, like, if you stop, you just stop and life is normal, right? So, which is not correct at all for the people out there watching. So, yeah, I went to a facility and I got some help. And that's, like, my first, that was, like, my first experience with recovery and, you know, some of the education that's out there for us. But, yeah, I'm from a small community up north for people watching to try and make sense of it. Kind of, like, near the Thunder Bay, Sault Ste. Marie area. And, yeah. How far is that from Toronto? That's, like, a 12-hour drive. It's about 1,000 kilometers from, like, GTA area. So, yeah, very cold, small little area. But, yeah, I grew up there. I was born there. My whole family lives there. Like, 80% of my family are grandparents and uncles. I got a family that's out in this area, too. But most of all, my family's from Manitouage. It's called Manitouage. Manitouage. Not Manitouge. Not Manitouge. Yeah, so I grew up there. I'm blessed, man. I have a beautiful family. You know, they spoiled me rotten. They gave me everything a young kid needed. They showed me the ways. You know, my dad raised me to be, like, you know, hardworking, not lazy. And, you know, even though I'm still not a very independent person yet, he tried to raise me to be an independent person, you know? Yeah. But, yeah, my dad kind of comes from a more harder upbringing. My mom comes from, you know. Like, picture-perfect movie upbringing, right? So, like, two very different, two different, very different lifestyles. But, yeah, they have a beautiful marriage. They've been together for, like, man, like, almost, almost, like, 30 years, maybe. 20-something, 30 years. But, yeah, I was raised in a good family, man. No problems there. And when I got to, like, I was, like, in school with the same kids my whole life. Like, maybe 20, maybe, like, I seen, like, maybe in my whole 15 years of education, I might have seen, like, 20 kids. Like, go or, like, new kids. Like, there was never new kids, you know what I mean? So, yeah. That's weird. Yeah, no, never new kids. So, you know, growing up, like, you know, I played sports. I had the same friend group, basically, like, my whole life, you know what I mean? And I wasn't like that. I wasn't like that kid that was, like, doing drugs at, like, 12, 13, 14 years old. I started a little bit, I shouldn't say late, because when I got to high school, I started smoking marijuana. That's how it started, right? But you just hear some people, their stories. Stories started at, like, age of 10, and you're like, oh, my goodness, you know what I mean? Yeah. But that wasn't me. So, I started smoking at, like, 14, and then started hiding it from my parents. I wasn't doing it every day, right? And then by, like, 15, 16, probably grade 11, I started really getting into partying, and it was awesome. Every weekend, right, I was working in a little shop. I'd make, like, 800 bucks every two weeks in, like, a mechanical shop. And my whole 800 bucks would be gone, man. I remember when I first was able to, like... Get a bootlegger and, like, buy my own marijuana and, like, buy my own little, you know, what do you call it? Like, paraphernalia, we'll call it. You know, I remember I was, like, just, I was balling out on that stuff. I was putting all my money on it. And, like, that was, like, you know, kind of when, like, my first, my first taste of, like, oh, boy, I might have a problem here, right? And it wasn't even bad at that point compared to what it got to. But that's what, I look back on it now that I've, you know, been educated about my problem, and I see, like, wow, like, I had a problem right from the start. Right from the beginning, man. Spent all my money on that. I wouldn't think twice. You know, when I was 16, 15, I had no bills. I was living at my parents' house. I didn't have to pay for food, right? So I didn't see the problem in spending all my money on that stuff. And then, yeah, you know, to try to make a long story short, by, like, grade 12, I was partying, and I got my first taste of cocaine. And, you know, being one of the only, I had, like, one other friend that worked, right? We had a friend group of probably, like, 8 to 10 people. And, like, all of us, I remember, like, that feeling of, like, it being Wednesday. Oh, there's a party on Friday. And by Thursday, you already got, you know, the cocaine lined up, the liquor lined up, and you're just, you already got that, like, that pre-feeling of, like, you know, as if you already did the line.
Speaker 4Dude, I really goosebumps just you talking about it. Like, the anticipation of the party coming up. Yeah. It's, like, all that you look forward to in the week. Nothing else mattered, right? Yeah. You're talking about it. You're excited about it.
Speaker 5So, yeah, like, I look back on it now, right, and I see where all these problems stemmed, like, how they started. And I realize that, like, I, even though it wasn't as bad as it got, I had the problem right from the beginning. You know? So, again, as that happened, I was partying a lot. So, I wasn't doing cocaine every weekend. Let's say, like, once a month, twice a month, right? But when I did it, I did it. Like, I had a strict family. I'd have a curfew at, like, one in the morning. And, you know, any time I went out and did cocaine, I wasn't home until, like, six in the morning. Doors were locked. So, yeah, at 18, I didn't actually graduate high school. I was, like, four or five credits short. But my father, he has a spot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he told me, he said, you know, just get through high school. I'll give you a job. Right? So, I always had that in the back of my head. Right? It's good money, hard work. And that's what a lot of people in my family did. So, I kind of looked up to it in a way. So, right out of high school, like, literally, like, I remember, like, the last day of school, I woke up the next morning from my last day of school. My dad opened my bedroom door. And he's like, hey, you know, you have to do a drug test before you start work. And I'll never forget this, man. Like, two days before we had, like, the end of the year, like, bash, like, party for school. And I did a bunch of cocaine. He's in my room two days after that. And he's like, hey, you have a drug test to start working for my company. And I was like, oh, boy. Right? And I didn't know how to tell my dad. So, I didn't tell my dad. Right? I just drank. I Googled, like, how to get drugs out of your system. Oh, man. How many people have done that, eh? And I hate cranberry juice.
Speaker 4Yeah. It doesn't work, does it?
Speaker 5It worked for me.
Speaker 4The cranberry juice? Yeah.
Speaker 5I went and peed the next day. I passed. Wow. And then, yeah, my life of working started, man. And I got underground. I started making good money. I actually succeeded at it. Right? You know, like I said, I was raised by my father to be a hard worker, wake up early, go to work. Now, I'm not saying I went there and I was an all-star right away, but I fit in. And I remember that feeling, too, of, like, you know, being a young man working with a bunch of older guys who, in my eyes, were cool. And I felt like I fit in with those guys. Right? Because a lot of people were telling me, like, yo, you're a hard worker. You know? You're doing good. And that was almost a high itself. So, I took it so serious, man. Like, I would work so much overtime, work all the time. But that is when I got introduced. Well, let me run it back here. I got into a bad derp. Like, accident. Right around about a year after working underground. And my first year underground, I never did my DOC at the time. I was just doing, like, other drugs at work to give me energy. Right? And, you know, I wasn't saving, really, any money. I was spending, like, all my money. Like, thousands and thousands of dollars a month on, like, stupid stuff, man. Like, clothes, drugs, alcohol, women. Right? I was in a relationship at the time, man. And I treated my girlfriend horribly. Like, you know, I would lie to her. You know? Just, you know, horrible things, man.
Speaker 4All that behavior that goes along with addiction.
Speaker 5All that behavior. All that addictive behavior that, like, you know, being in addiction, your behavior doesn't just mean doing drugs every day. It's the way you treat people, the way you respect your relationships, you know? Having boundaries, letting people do whatever they want, and giving people whatever they want. Right? That was me, man. Yeah. So, yeah. At about 19, I got into a really bad motocross accident. And I ended up breaking my elbow. I hurt my head real bad. And... You still have that scar today. Yeah. I still got a scar on my forehead. Yeah. But, yeah. I was, like, four hours. I was away from home, I got into a bad accident. knew where i was my parents my girlfriend at the time and uh yeah i woke up on one of my friend's couches man and i was like my arm was snapped and my head was cut right wide open and then yeah he brought me to the hospital the next day it was just like if you i'll show a picture on the instagram page of what i look like and like we were so messed up bro that he for like 15 16 hours maybe even a whole day he didn't bring me to the hospital my friends like sleep it off and he was messed up too i woke up man i remember i got off the couch and my arm flopped and it was like horrible so i was about 19 my girlfriend brings me to the hospital or sorry my girlfriend my buddy brings me to the hospital um i go there the doctor is like yo you need surgery like now you know he's like what are you doing where have you been because you can tell it didn't just happen it's been a little bit right like some blood was dried up and stuff and then yeah that same day the doctor brought in the first ever two percocets i've seen in my life yes you know opiates man and uh yeah for those who are struggling out there with opiates man i pray for you every day because that stuff's not easy you know yeah so he brings me my first two percocets i had never seen these before but i had one friend i wasn't like a good friend of mine but a guy that i hung around with that did percocets and he talked about them like they were like you know two angels man and uh i understood what he meant when i tried them because i remember being in the hospital bed like never been in in pain like this in my life i was so scared because i hate surgeries my family is like worried sick about where i am right because i hadn't answered my phone in a day and my friend puts on on his on his social media he puts a picture of me on the couch and and then he passes out drunk so there's this picture of me online of me like hurting you know like bashed right up my family sees that they can't get a hold of me it's the whole catastrophe and i wake up and i'm in this horrible mindset physical state as well and then i remember i took those two percocets man and like he's like what did you feel yeah what was that feeling like i remember someone told me this when i started getting help they asked me they said like what did it feel like when you get high and i'm trying to describe it right and he said did it feel like the warmest hug you've ever been given in your life and it felt like the warmest hug man like like god come down and just wrap his arms around you bro you know so yeah that's what i felt and uh dude i didn't even get my surgery that day i was i felt like on such a high cloud i told the doctor i'll never forget this bro i was so scared to get my surgery i told the doctor i said my sister is getting married tomorrow and i'm like i'm gonna get married tomorrow and i'm gonna get married tomorrow i can't have the surgery i'll come back in a week i do not have a sister so i i said okay he put my arm in a sling and i said i broke my elbow right so i needed to get like uh my elbow like put screws and plates in my elbow and uh so he put me in a sling i hopped in my truck and i drove four hours back home and that was my family situation but the doctor called he somehow got my mom's phone number and uh he made me come back and get surgery so yeah i started i went home man and then from there make a long story short you know he gave me i think a prescription for two weeks and it was out in like five days so then i went to that one friend who i knew who did percocets and then i started buying them every day and you know months go down the road i'm doing two a day you know after a month i'm doing four a day and after you know i'm doing six eight nine ten a day and spending all my money all my money man yeah like all my money on on percocets and then yeah after a year you know i went to you know oxys and morphine and you know how it goes bro right i'm gonna get too specific about that but it just got worse and worse and worse and i pushed my family away my little brother man who's my best friend pushed him away all that friend group i grew up with i stopped hanging out with them started hanging out with those people that i said i would never hang out with you know what i mean i lost like 50 pounds from 18 to like 20 23 you know what i mean just got real sick and then the last thing i'm gonna say is that like all these people in my life like my family my friends you know ex-girlfriends they were like telling me like dude you were messed up man you got a problem and i would just be like you guys are crazy i don't have a problem i literally thought i was doing so good because i had a job i thought you know on my mental states messed right up i'm high all the time yeah but i'll never forget that feeling of like you know realizing like whoa like look at what you've done and i didn't realize until i got sober for a bit yeah but yeah man that's like a long story short about me i'm uh and and one thing i'm gonna touch on too quickly is that like one of my one of the biggest things i've done is i've been like i've been like i've been like you know the biggest motivators for me to do this podcast was like i feel like in this recovery world there's not enough young people yeah you know what i mean and uh i just you know i remember when i first got like started talking about my problems and going to meetings and stuff i was like it's a lot of older people and no nothing against older people they got so much wisdom but like i feel like a young man can listen to a young man and relate more yeah and you know i feel like if i'm up here talking and sharing my strength experience and hope like i could maybe touch that with a young guy to get out there and get some help right because this stuff isn't easy you know i'm not even talking about the podcast but just like to actually get help you know it's such a better life out there man like yeah you know i thought for years i wanted to do a podcast wanted to move to the city i want to do this and that but i never did it because i was spending all my coin on drugs yeah you know and now look at us we're following our dreams now yeah that's basically caleb in like a nutshell yeah thanks dude i mean um let's hear about you bro you touched on a lot
Speaker 4of that but um how long do you have now i'm at four and a half months getting close to five months clean man yeah almost five months clean yeah bro and um it's funny that you know you mentioned the meetings and for people that don't know out there um we're talking about alcoholics anonymous narcotics anonymous cocaine anonymous um 12-step programs now i don't i don't necessarily want to make this whole podcast about 12-step groups but for us that's the thing that's working right now so that's the answer the way out if you will um of addiction and uh you know we'll we'll get into a lot of that stuff as we go on i think um but i i just want to i want to make this this first podcast more about you and your story and then maybe we'll make some more podcasts and and bring some other people on that we know in recovery but you touched on a lot of good stuff there i i want to talk about um that kind of like it's funny that everybody i know that's gotten into drugs or um and you know just for the record i i was always told that it's the same shit different struggle right alcohol gambling women um we tend to use these things to fix our internal state right we we grab these external things just to fill this kind of hole that we have inside to make ourselves feel better because at the end of the day we don't really like ourselves right we kind of dig this hole and you mentioned you pushed your family away and all this stuff to kind of get this good feeling right yeah i was um this good feeling yeah yeah and it's like always temporary right but at some point it does work like the drugs do work because we wouldn't have started using them if they didn't work right if they didn't solve this problem and the way i always like to think of it is like it's like there's like this monkey in my head kind of making like a racket just banging around making noise and what the drugs do temporarily and alcohol is they kind of just make everything quiet and you're being kind of just go yeah right i've heard that at aa meetings a lot where people are like this sense of ease and comfort as it says in the big book here um of alcoholics anonymous a sense of ease and comfort like everything's going to be okay yeah the bills don't matter the wife yelling at me doesn't matter the you know the no job doesn't matter the fact that i got fired nothing matters because i feel okay in my skin at this moment and i find that what recovery does is it kind of replaces the drugs and makes the ease and comfort come from external like some kind of spiritual you know outside of me path and in the beginning um it was going to meetings and seeing other people happy in sobriety and i remember going to the first couple meetings because i was forced to go in treatment the first time i went into treatment 10 years ago um i was like fuck how all these people are happy like they can't be sober there's no way right i gotta come back and see what's going on here because like people are high or drunk here there's no way i didn't understand the concept of people being happy without drugs and alcohol yeah yeah right i just assumed that everybody used but some people could handle it better yeah and i was like i was just i just had no willpower i was weak right that was my first wrong assumption you know and there was a lot of wrong assumptions um talk about more like what what do you like about going to meetings and um you know the kind of this kind of like feeling when you walk into a meeting what's that like well first thing i'm going to say about one
Speaker 5of my favorite parts about meetings is that like bro it doesn't matter if you're 23 or if you're 73 you and that man can talk about recovery talk about your problems for forever yeah because we all go through that same thing there's this feeling that you can kind of relate with the feeling of like that mutuality feeling of like well we we've done the same thing we've been through the same thing even it doesn't matter what drug you do if it's alcohol drugs where you come from what's your ethnicity is none of that stuff like you guys literally can relate so much yeah well i honestly man like so like i find sometimes like let's say because of work or because you know i'm having a couple busy days and i don't get to a meeting i'll like not even necessarily get into old habits well yes in a way it's old habits like i'll stop thinking about like the things i need to think about right and i'm someone sometimes i'll lose that humility part of my life of like being so grateful for where i am you know trying to help people you know the way i think and i'll go to a meeting man and it'll bring me right down to like ground zero again i'm like okay you know this is what i'm thankful for this is where i was this is where my life is going today and then i leave that meeting of being like like you said it's almost like that feeling you get from drugs but you're not getting it from drugs you're getting from something real you know what i mean yeah um and it's it's not like you're going to some five hour long meditation and you know it costs a hundred million dollars yeah it's free it's free you know you go to a meeting and like especially because i'm not from here i don't know any of these people every time i go to a meeting man it's a bunch of people i've never seen before yeah and you give this person comes up to gives you a hug introduces himself to you they genuinely care about they genuinely care about you because they've been there yeah you remember that feeling i remember this thing i remember thought i thought my drug dealers loved me yeah you know i thought that's
Speaker 4great yeah nobody cares about me yeah you know you go to your drug dealer's house you dap them
Speaker 5up what's up bro you know here's a hundred bucks and he gives you your stuff and you're like that
Speaker 4guy's the man i made it extra strong bro this is fire this stuff is it's always the best stuff yeah
Speaker 5when you go in there no but you go into a meeting man and the guy comes up or two or the girl and they're like you know how's it going man everything okay give you their phone number next day your phone's ringing hey i'm just checking in on you how are you doing yeah you know just like real real stuff everything was so fake man before even the way i felt like you were mentioning about like the wife yelling at you man my life was so chaotic before i got help like people like there's a lot of people mad at me man you know some situations with women like i was not a very good good like i never abused women or nothing like that but i was like doing lots of sleeping around sleeping with people's why use you know just just dirt bag stuff bro and i remember like i'd check my phone in the morning they'd like 10 messages of like huge paragraphs from people and i'd be like you know get high and none of it would matter yeah none of it i wouldn't even care my life would be fine wasn't working had no money you know x y and z and i would be like life's great bro right yeah so i think one of the most hard things you deal with when you get sober at first is like all those feelings come rushing in you're like oh it's yeah right but like now that i got and i don't even have that much time you know what i mean um but i'm starting to be able to navigate through these things better right like when i and you deal with things you ever find sometimes like a lot of things you like i i mean i live with you so i know exactly what i know you're doing this stuff like you know whether it's like financial situations whether it's work situations whether it's like just something simple as like answering emails these are things i never did when i was high i didn't care can't even comprehend you know what i mean how am i going to do this so now i actually deal with things i'm like you know sometimes i don't take a thousand steps a day something maybe it's 200 steps and i'm talking like theoretically here towards like recovery towards recovery towards your life getting things done yeah
Speaker 4but yeah man like yeah so for for those that don't know uh we met in treatment yeah and uh you know it talks about in the big book people we we are a group of people that normally would not mix yeah like i never would have run on into you if it wasn't for treatment right or if we were
Speaker 5at some sketchy bar at two in the morning maybe a few a while back we would have medicated yeah
Speaker 4we would have maybe we would have been friends but i mean it wouldn't have been a good friendship right like and now today there's you know and for guys especially you know for women too but for guys it's it's hard to reach out and be like dude i'm struggling man 100 like i can't stop thinking about using drugs and alcohol yeah right and i you know now i'm just i'm coming up on three months clean and sober and uh you know i've i've had three sobriety dates i've been to three different treatment centers um and i've gotten a different experience from each one but why don't we like talk about like what what did treatment and rehab do for you changed my life you went in there from what i understand because i only met you at the tail end of your stay and i did two months you did three months 90 days um but i you know from what i heard in there there was a big transformation and that's what this thing does right it changes us crazy man yeah i went in there and like uh
Speaker 5what did you think you were gonna get and what what actually happened i'll tell you something funny that i say i remember so i i treat i went to treatment in aurora ontario and uh that's like it's about 20 minutes north of of toronto yeah so it's way up here and uh i just remember my parent my brother and my dad come to my house and they're like you know you need to go to treatment yada yada yada had the long had that long conversation like a mini intervention yeah and i went man because i was so hopeless like i had where there's nowhere to go from here back in my house and get high again don't have any drugs to get high so it was like i didn't go because i was like okay i'm gonna change my life yeah yeah no that was not my mindset you were desperate that was desperate and i was like on my knees yeah on my knees right so i went there like a 10-day detox and i in the first 10 days like they completely isolate you in a room and uh you know i slept uh i slept off my withdrawals yeah i could like physically i remember being there i was like oh my gosh and you can't use the phone so i wasn't contacting my family or nothing but yeah for the first month i was in there man like i had developed these horrible behavioral issues and like my five years of addiction right like not caring about people having no respect no man like just all these things i was raised to do i lost all of those good all the values all the morals that your family brought you up on you know and i went in there like 145 pounds soaking wet just a little skeleton sick kid man and uh yeah my first month i was very like rebellious in there i did follow the rules man i found any reason to not like the place yeah you know this beautiful you know private facilities people trying to help me change my life and no i was like you know butting heads with people in there you know there's like chores and stuff you were supposed to do in the treatment center i wouldn't do them people were getting mad at me i didn't care right you know just had that like it mentality like what are you going to do about it mentality right and i really developed that when i was in my addiction and then uh yeah some stuff happened between me and the counselor there and i had gotten a little bit aggressive with him and you know gave him a piece of my mind which was not smart to do and i wasn't the wrong he called me out on some stuff that i was doing right it was completely my fault but at the time it wasn't you know at the time it was all him um and then i woke up the next day and they were going to kick me out of the facility right i had to talk to the boss and the owner of the facility and it was pretty it wasn't like one of those nice conversations like you know you need to stop and change your life it was not that at all it was like my dad yelling at me kind of conversation right you needed some hard love i needed some hard love man and i got it and i don't know what clicked in my head that day but i was just like dude like you get kicked out of here you know what are you going to do your parents aren't going to support you your family's going to be you know pissed right off at you you're you're lost like you're done you have nowhere to go from here so it wasn't even it was kind of a selfish act in a way it was like i don't even know how to describe it but i was like i got to do something here right again i think every thankful every single day for my family because they are a huge part of the reason that's where i am today but i thought about them and they say to do this for yourself right but that day i did it for them yeah sure yeah and yeah i started to change i i started i was always really rude to people anthony like you know you walk into class someday one day like when i say class like when you're in treatment we would have like classes right and say you walked in one day and like you know you had an ugly pair of shoes on or something i'd make fun make fun of you for it or if someone said something stupid i'd make fun of the board i was just a very like chirpy person right and i got off on that and then i remember uh one of the sober coaches in there uh he he said like why don't you try being nice to someone help someone he said you're a young guy and there was at the time there was a lot of younger people in the facility he's like in the younger people they weren't being rebellious like me but they didn't take it serious they were all in there to pass time and get back out right he said why don't you try and talk to these people because you can speak you know you have a head on your shoulders try and talk to these people so i started to do it right there was a guy in there who was a leader for my first month and he left so i was like he told me like why don't you try being a leader and helping people in your you know because a lot of people in my facility were there for about 40 days i was there for 90 days and he said you're here for a long time so take this opportunity it'll help you so i did it i listened for the first time in my life i didn't listen to nobody you know you tell me to go left i'm going right right you know you tell me to get a coffee i'm getting a pepsi like no i listen to nobody so i was like i'm gonna try to listen right so i i tried listening and uh man i remember the first time some some uh so an older lady she was she wanted to leave and uh like i mean i couldn't really i didn't really know where i had known crying she wanted to leave they wouldn't let me use the phone man so i went outside and had a cigarette with her and i talked to her and i just shared my bit of my story with her experience you know and the lady stayed and she gave me a hug and she was crying she said thank you so much she told me i was going to leave that was the first experience i can remember being sober helping someone that feeling i got right but go back to that feeling of like like that felt good that's what i got from that i was like whoa i didn't just sniff a line and get that like i just talked to someone for five minutes wow so yeah that that happened man and i just i remember man i thought i could never have fun unless i was messed up you know and fun for me was sitting in my garage or my basement high talking to nobody but we used to have these fun nights at my my treatment facility every friday we would do like a board game i remember the first time we played a game called Pictionary you guys probably don't know what Pictionary is and dude you draw on the board and you won't have to guess people guess what you're drawing right i remember when they said we're playing Pictionary i was like oh my goodness man what am i what am i doing right now playing Pictionary like and dude for an hour straight i laughed and had so much fun and i didn't realize i was having fun i was just in the moment right that saying of like live in the moment i was living in the moment having so much fun with a bunch of people i have no idea i'm just meeting these people in treatment right and and uh i remember the counselor said at the end of the game it's like see you guys could have fun sober and it hit me i'm like whoa i'm just playing Pictionary this is just the beginning you know but yeah that's like I had a big change in there, man. And you know, it does, you don't just change and stay changed forever right like i still have days today where i'm like oh you know you're being cocky or caleb or you know you're getting a bit ahead of yourself buddy like relax right but that's i remember like i got a piece of humility in there yeah yeah that maybe
Speaker 4there is another way to live yeah i don't have to be a slave to this drug or alcohol or whatever substance i'm using yeah there's a there's a way out where i can live a happy useful life yeah and be of service to people yeah and yeah it's a good feeling man i mean i think as human beings that's like our ultimate purpose is to help one another yeah and continue to like grow you know humanity and society right not to get too philosophical but i think there's a real dopamine hit and joy in helping other people and you know watching them change right you know i've seen you change just we're living in a sober house together now and uh you know it's it's fun man like recovery is fun right and it doesn't matter what age what race you know we all have a common problem and then there's also a common solution if you choose to live on that side of the fence right i've lived and i'm sure you have too now you can really say that there's you've lived on both sides of the fence right this kind of dark gloomy stormy place where it's like all i care about is getting high or drunk and my entire thought process and you know pre-meditation all this these the energy and time you spend on thinking about going to parties thinking about securing your drugs uh your alcohol and then having fun like that's all i care about i remember my dad said to me one time um you know and this really stayed with me this was like probably 15 years ago he said to me anthony like all you care about is the next party that's all you care about and he he was right i said to him i was like dad i'm not even having fun anymore like i remember i said that that was the first time i was honest in my addiction i was like that i'm not even having fun anymore i can't stop and my thing was cocaine right what did that say to you when you said that to him he just didn't understand it man yeah he he was you know he just thought i was being stupid like just figure it out just get your life together yeah and you know i was you know you're 23 now i was uh 23 when i first came in um to recovery and uh that's all i cared about was getting the next dopamine hit right whatever that looked like parties were my life um you know you my my idea of fun was like hotel rooms by myself right because people didn't use the way i used i never understood i remember i would put out a line and it would be you know twice the size of everyone else's and i hated that feeling of people like dude you're gonna do all that right now yeah yeah i just remember looking at them and like oh dude you know it was like a gut punch i don't like this at all right i need to find and then i went out and i found people that were you know quote unquote worse than me right and uh meanwhile i was you know usually worse than that right but i i need to feel better about myself because there was like this deep loathing and self-hatred why can't i stop why is my life like this why can't i hold a job why do keep calling in sick for work i'm sitting in the principal's office in school before that you know i never really understood it until i came into recovery and the program of alcoholics anonymous for me uh all 12-step programs in my opinion you know they work whatever works for you works there's also other means of recovery you know i don't know any other way that works i've tried every other way but if you can find another way that works a little more power to you but at the end of the day the only thing that worked for me was complete abstinence from drugs and alcohol because i could get this clear thought of you know i i remember too like i don't know about you but um i used to wake up some mornings before i was having an addiction and have these like dreams and like motivations to like work out and you know addiction and have these like dreams and like motivations to like work out and lose weight and get better and get a you know a career and become whatever i wanted to become right like i had these like ideas in my head i was like excited about life and then drugs and alcohol just slowly stripped all that away where i would wake up in the morning and be like oh my god not again what did i do last night yeah who did i piss off yeah and you know you talked about the text message like oh my god i don't remember doing that right um and then you know it just gets worse and worse right and we keep looking for that next high the next hit um you know you uh you mentioned you have some really good stories in your addiction but there was one that stuck out for me and i don't know if you want to talk about it but that gas station story like i think that was one of the funniest things i've heard in a while what what happened there well first thing i'm going to say
Speaker 5it's funny to be able to look back on it now and kind of laugh yeah at the time in the moment it was not funny it was not funny so yeah i go to the gas station and there's one gas station yeah so let me tell you about this real quick i'm from a small town like you guys haven't watched trailer park boys it's like kind of like that small town man like the nearest tim hortons is like three
Speaker 4hours away which that should tell you everything about it should tell you everything you need to
Speaker 5know right and i know everybody there i've known the guy who owns the gas station for my whole entire life i know his son i know his wife you know so i go to gas up my truck one day and keep in mind this is not a good story here i was not i shouldn't have been driving i was up for a few days right so my head's like no you ever watched the movie 300 when the guy goes this is sparta yeah that was like my head man get out of my way get out of my way so i show up i uh my truck was on empty so i put the the uh nozzle in my truck right and i put the switch on and it takes like you know 10 not 10 minutes five minutes to fill up so while my truck is filling up i'm like i'll go inside and i'll shoot the with the owner right get a pack of cigarettes get a drink or something so i'm in there and we're talking about whatever we're talking about and i forget that my well i didn't forget the time i waited for my truck to fill up right and then i was gonna pay for it go back out take the nozzle out so i'm i'm we talked for like 15 minutes man it's a small town so it's not like in the city where there's 20 people waiting to get in line my truck i could park my truck at the thing and no one's filming there's no one doing lottery tickets and no three hours no so yeah i go back in my truck after i pay for my gas i did not take the nozzle out i hopped right back in my truck start my truck up blare some music you know what i mean probably cigarette in your mouth cigarette in the mouth man uh and i drove away with the nozzle still on my truck and i ripped the nozzle right off the gas tank man yeah i i didn't have no idea and i lived like well like the town's so small so it took me like 45 seconds to pull my driveway right and i don't know what happened it ripped off the gas tank but it didn't stay in my truck so when i got out of my truck i remember my uh my like my gas cap was still open like oh i forgot to shut my gas so i shut my gas cap around no big deal right and then yeah i go back in my house and like 10 minutes later there's a knock at my door like oh who's here to see me like no one ever comes and knocks on my door no one knocks on the door i go upstairs and it's the gas station owner and he's he's an older fellow man he's like seven years old this short old man and he's losing his mind on me man you grab that gas truck the gas nozzle out the gas tank we're not gonna be able to sell gas for the next week losing his mind on me man and i was like oh boy um
Speaker 4but yeah and the stuff that used to happen bro didn't you shut down the gas station for like a
Speaker 5day yeah when could you get that you know what like just just picture this man like you know if something had happened like that you probably hear it on the news in toronto i go on facebook i go on facebook and he puts in all capitals on his facebook page gas station will be your gas pump number two will be shut down for x amount of days it was like a week that gas pump didn't work yeah mom dad if you're listening sorry i didn't tell you guys that one but yeah a lot of stuff that they found out after i got sober right yeah but no but i think i think too
Speaker 4it's important to kind of laugh about this stuff too because um you know we don't have to live that way yeah right yeah like we don't have to hurt people around us if you don't want to we have a choice now i have a choice today yes i want to when we finish this podcast i can go out and drink yeah i have a choice i always have a choice i was taught that by one of my sponsors um i always have a choice to pick up yeah once i do put that first one in me the choice is gone choice is gone the disease kicks in and i'm you know i'm gone i don't know what's going to happen and i've proven that to myself right i might have some idea of what i'm going to do but i'm gone at the end of the day i could die i could end up in jail i could end up in a psych ward and back in rehab and those are you know pretty much the three or four options that are going to happen but i have a choice today to pick up that first one and it's hard sometimes right i i really struggle with that sometimes where you know there's days where you know a drug or a drink seems like a good idea because i don't remember how bad it got and my brain is tricking me and telling me what i've learned now that it's going to be okay it'll be fun right but that's not the case you know it's it always gets worse they call it a progressive disease for a reason yeah i i'm doing new drugs that i never said i said i wouldn't do before i'm trying math i'm doing benzos right and i'm i'm stealing lying and cheating the whole way through to get my weight right so i think it's important to note if you're struggling out there there is a way out yeah just talk to somebody reach out i'm going to put some links after this video to some some helpful things that keep me sober some podcasts that i use um and then some other links you know that if you're struggling there's there's an answer you don't have to keep struggling like this anymore right but yeah just quickly when you said
Speaker 5like for the hurting people apartment something one of them one of my most like one of the things i'm most grateful for one of the best things that have happened to me in sobriety is when i was in my mom's life she had a disease called multiple sclerosis right my mom she she struggles with a disease called multiple sclerosis right she's had it her whole life and uh there's a few things she deals with but one of the biggest things is she cannot sleep at night well she has horrible sleep at night and stress like she gets it a lot worse than normal people right and my i remember well i shouldn't say i remember because i don't really remember i was messed up out of my mind but my dad your mom you're killing your mom literally and like i didn't think he really meant it like how he meant it right i just thought he was yapping stop doing drugs stop doing drugs right but i would take that with like a grain of salt i wouldn't think about it for longer than two seconds you know my mom was fine i would think i remember i because i called my parents in treatment we only got to use the phone for 15 minutes a day and the first thing i'm going to mention about that is i remember one of my counselors man uh he said to me he said i was bitching one day like we need them phone longer than 15 minutes right this is stupid i can't i can say five words in 15 minutes and he said how long how many how many dare i forget how he said it but he's like how many how often did you spend 15 minutes a day talking to your mother before you come here and i was like oh my god i wouldn't talk to my mom like that i never answered the phone never answered the phone i called my mom one day and this is when i was starting to do a little bit better right i wasn't i was like kind of going through like the first phase of like changing and uh the the treatment center my mom is one of those moms emailing the teachers every day you know she's checking on me every day five times is he listening yeah so she calls and she heard i was doing better because she was calling for the first three four weeks and it was just like yo your son's an animal you need to come get this dog so she calls and she heard i was doing better right and i called my mom that day and she said you know it's a nice feeling being able to go to bed every night and like know you're safe and like i actually get some sleep at night you know that's awesome i was just like well i started crying man i was like oh my god man like my mom wasn't sleeping at night like my parents and they literally felt this and i thought it was exaggerated but they didn't know if i was alive a lot of the time they'd come to my house to see if i'm alive you know what i mean they would they would tell me now that i've been in sobriety they would like go on facebook to see the last time i was active just to make sure it wasn't like a long time ago you know you had no idea about it no idea and the second thing i want to mention is that both of us too because i met your family man you have a beautiful family and you met my family you come from these great families we had no no reason they say to go out and use drugs it wasn't like we had our father was you know banging lines in front of us my whole life i've never seen that man my parents didn't even smoke marijuana they were like drinkers and me and you come from these families and we ended up like in the dungeons of hell man you know i mean i remember driving to treatment i was like oh my god there's gonna be so many sketchy people there it's gonna be homeless people there'll be junkies i was just like you didn't think i still i didn't think i had a treatment man i was the sketchy guy there yeah i was the sketch bag i was like oh my god right but yeah so i think for like what one of the best things this thing has done for me man is like i see uh whether it's a homeless person now or something that you could clearly tell is struggling heart with addiction and i don't judge that person anymore you know what i mean at all if i got two bucks in my pocket like i'll go give my two bucks to this guy right i never used to be like that i'd be the guy that would like take a picture of the homeless guy and joke about it you humility to my life now man like like every single morning i have a group of people i text what i'm thankful for do i i never would have done that before you don't have that word in your vocabulary no man i took everything for granted everything money family women jobs friendships right like you know what i mean like i say this to you all the time bro like i met this guy in treatment like he said and like anthony was the first guy i didn't talk about my feelings i didn't even know what feelings were man like my my definition of feelings were like your feelings were like your bitch yeah rub some dirt on some dirt on it right and like you know i don't wake up every morning and cry now and say oh my goodness i i don't do that at all but like when i genuinely feel something whether it's a bit of stress because of work or i'm dealing with a situation in my life i would never talk about it i would just deal with it on my own will what's caleb gonna do to deal with the situation right now like i remember in treatment man when we got to know each other it'd be better because that was my roommate and i remember like we talked about it and i you were you you would share your like i would tell you what i'm going through and you wouldn't judge me we would laugh about something sometimes but you know i mean we'd actually have some serious talk conversations man and then you would tell me like yo when i was this age whatever i dealt with this has happened to me this is what i did and vice versa you know we talked about and i was like wow and you were the first person man i can remember besides a counselor that i ever like opened up to about some things and i was like whoa like that wasn't hard to do well it wasn't easy but you know it wasn't like as hard as i thought it was so like for any of those macho men out there trust me bro i was a macho man you know you can talk about your feelings and like it doesn't just have to mean like oh i'm sick i'm sick i'm sick i'm sick i'm sick i'm sad i'm depressed if that's what you're going through let's talk about it but like just talk you know still even being almost five months sober i still struggle to pick up that phone sometimes and talk to someone right yeah sometimes i'll get a phone call after two three days i'm not reaching out and it's one of my brothers and he's like hey man everything good
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Speaker 4you know you talk yeah right and you know what it is is they're offering you a different perspective you can take it or leave it yeah or keep sitting in your shit yeah or you can you know choose to try something new yeah do it and you're good to go what they did right whether it's going for a walk or going to the gym or calling somebody and just getting it out there yeah because there's there is a lot of power in like hey man caleb i'm struggling today yeah and i'm thinking about drugs and then you say it aloud you're like oh you know it kind of loses its power right you're like oh that's kind of yeah why am i thinking about that right and i'm gonna be okay at the end of the day i don't have to go and pick up on that i don't have to go and use i don't have to go and start the cycle again yeah so um i think uh yeah that was that was great man thanks for telling me uh your story yeah i think we'll wrap up with uh you know just this if you're struggling out there you know reach out um click do something different right nothing changes if nothing changes and uh you know there's lots of ways to get sober um this is the way that worked for us and we'll continue to talk about it and uh do some questions and q and a sessions and but at the end of the day like this stuff keeps me sober yeah and uh you know it helps me yep and you know you don't realize that you might be helping me out and you know you don't realize that you might be helping me out
Speaker 5helping someone more than than they're helping you sometimes right yeah so um just like one last thing i'm gonna say is if you're out there and you're still using drugs even if you're sniffing a line as we're watching right now bro like just know like first of all i love you and everything's gonna be all right if you want to be all right there's no judgment on that one but look at your life look at your life and think about it no matter your age where you're at none of that stuff just look like how well are you managing your life right now i remember when i accepted that first that first one that says you know my life was unmanageable and before i thought my life was completely manageable because i was able to somehow get high every day but like completely look at your life you got one life man one life like you want to do something special with your life i know even though the the person who's in the darkest spot right now watching this video they have dreams and aspirations right they got things they want to do in their life but like ask yourself like are you really doing it you know i mean like just how well how manageable is your life right now how do your loved ones feel how do you feel about your life you know what i mean at a certain with the whole like you're responsible for your own destiny man you know what i mean people can help as much as they want to you can we can say whatever we want on here like you really you really got to think about like what can you do for yourself to benefit yourself right and you got to do that first one and you got to really accept the fact that like you need help and it goes back to the reaching out you know whether that's your mom or dad or that's your brother whether it's a friend whether it's going to a meeting man you know reach out and tell someone like hey man i'm going to help you i'm going to help you i'm going to help you i need some help there's nothing wrong with that i'll say i need some help help doesn't always mean here's a thousand bucks for random you know what i mean so yeah that's about all i gotta say man thanks for watching for sure yeah go follow the instagram spotify tiktok help your boys out man it's the first episode of many yeah like and subscribe and uh we'll see you later see you
Speaker 2later boys and girls hank joined bj's wholesale club the day he became a father of 30 i coach football now coach hank saves up to 25 off grocery store prices 30 pounds of pasta three cases of protein bars 75 sports drinks and that's just pre-game he knows teamwork and bj's knows savings this is your home coach home of the save join for just 20 at bj's.com slash mesquite and save 10 cents per gallon for six months open soon limited time offer new members only bj's home of the save
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