Episode 1 - Living with Positivity - Shira Schijveschuurder and Rami Goldberg

Speaker 1 Hi everyone. This is Rami Goldberg, and I'm pleased to share my interview with Shira Sky, the scooter. For those of you who know she has been living with a brain tumor for the last number of years, and take this opportunity to share with us her story and her perspectives on life challenges and opportunities. I push your to join me as she is one of the most positive people. I know and wanted to share that positivity with the broader world. I know for myself all too often, we get caught up in our day-to-day that we don't take the time and opportunity to step back and reflect on how much good we have. She was a Person who has worked on herself and always tries to see the good in others in her situation. And I found this conversation to be uplifting and inspiring. I hope that sharing is conversation will allow each of us to look at our situation in the world. A bit more positively. I'd like to thank Shira for agreeing to this conversation. I'd also like to thank the team at video Sparks Morty, wrap and Amir white for a recording and editing this episode. And if you need video or audio recording and editing, they are really the guys to go to hope you all enjoy. That you had that conversation about. Do you have a relationship with with your oh with you illness? And yeah and you don't call it an illness. We were talking beforehand but talk to that a little bit like let's hear Speaker 2 what's my really about the kids and their cancer cells and all of those things it's changed a lot. I decided when it will happen, I would be very open with the kids. So when I, for example, discovered about having to have surgery and I had to explain to the kids about what was happening, Opening with the ages that they were. They were like, seven and three, and have it written down somewhere, but it would they, it was during the first Speaker 1 surgery. Shall we say 7:00? Speaker 2 Yeah, Speaker 1 2008, Speaker 2 I had it written down some because I'm not very good at these things, but the point is, I had to find something that was relevant to them. In order that they understood that sometimes sucky things happen and you have a choice of how you deal with it with things. So, for example, to one kid, I said, you don't like when we go out for meals over Shabbos, but you've got a choice. Do you make a fuss about it? Because you're going to have to go anyway, you have to tie the be playroom. Do you make a fuss about it? You're going to have to do it. So you've got a choice. Do you choose to say this is what I'm doing and my choice right now is I have to go and have brain surgery and to I go in and do it miserably or do I go in and do my best to be happy about it. And I remember it was shy, my elders who turned to me and said, so you're telling me you're going to go into your need to ah MOA Basim ha. And I said I'm going to try and not everything in life is easy but you have to make your choices of how you do Speaker 1 things. And you feel like for him it was he got it at that age and it was like and Speaker 2 it was difficult because I didn't use certain words at that age. I used the word brain tumor a lot so they didn't really, I try to explain to them what that meant, how there was almost like a rock in my head, which wasn't a good example because my daughter took that for years and years and years. I had a rock in my head and didn't understand. I have a nice now in London who heard Well tumor and thought they had tuna in my head so you have to also be careful, but I didn't want to use words like cancer. As I've mentioned to you was a bit like the word Voldemort that it was a very scary word and they just associate it with ball children and we're death. It's not how I wanted to live with them and wanted to be open and honest but with stuff that was relevant to them and it took years and years. The one I eventually said about cancer ourselves, they weren't, they were furious with me. We didn't know that you had cancer. They said to me and I said, I tried to be honest with your age and now we're at that stage where I can tell you more things and I felt terrible and I apologize to them and I try to explain how I was doing things relevant. And then it gets to the point where you move along and you have to move with the times, but I didn't want their life to be moth. Is that it is that a word by the fact that like they had a mummy who was walking around with cancer? Also because it wasn't obvious like it is. Now I didn't have a holocron life was very different. I was physically. More able than I am now. Speaker 1 So right. What it, what it? What's been, the hardest transition? I mean, walking around with Walker is not easy. And that you weren't able to drive earlier and like Speaker 2 that freedom of losing your driving license, which is actually a bit funny because it took me in London Not once or twice or three or four? I pass my 13th time of my driving test perseverance. Right. It's cool. And I'm very proud of myself. But so I felt very felt a little bit cheated. So it's like, it took me so long to get my driver's license, and then I can meet Ali. Aah. And then they told me I had to take another test. And I was like, do you know, I've worked so hard, but then I've passed first time, which for me was really exciting. And then God said, I will take away your license and I lost my freedom, I lost being able to take the kids places and And it was difficult but then it becomes your Norm, it's difficult, since I feel like always have to rely on people, right? So yes, I take taxis everywhere. So I'm very fortunate that I can, but it's super duper annoying to not. Just take your kids out and to lose for me to lose my freedom, like Speaker 1 that, right losing that Independence is something that you like, Speaker 2 which is why. Now with the Holly Holm with the Walker, it's even more difficult. I'm not so safe and stable to go all by myself and I love walking. And I I love being outside and so that's also been a challenge to Speaker 1 you feel like you're guess your kids, in terms of them seeing it or becomes more real and more Speaker 2 like 100%. I always have to check with him. Now before school things, do you want me to come with you not want me to come, and it's fine if you say no. So, one of my children said to me, please don't come it just makes it into a very big deal, right? And some of my other children are like, it's fine. This is just who you are and that's what's happening. Is that accepting what they say, and how they feel. And Acting that and not judging it. And continuing on with it, I always Speaker 1 tell my kids then my job is here to embarrass you. So it might be a little bit different but like I get up there now, speaking Hebrew and they're like, no, no, this is about, you don't know where your it right, becomes a joke. So okay, you either accept it. This is, this is me. It is what I'm good at is what I can do. And Speaker 2 so, so we do leave the house now, more than we did with it together the kid's mind, the ali-han Speaker 1 less meaning of gotten, they thought more used to it. Speaker 2 Going to have, I will not have a drink. Is there is there more water actually? It's a good thing. The brackish a call is one of my favorite. Oh yeah. Yes. And it became very real to me after my second surgery because whatever has shown says is there's nothing you could do about it. If this is what God says is happening, right now, this is what's happening right now and you can your only way to deal with it is how you choose to deal with it. That's it. It's all mindset and how you go with It. And after my second surgery, when I was really struggling with everything, I came to a point that was very, I guess beautiful in a way when I couldn't even say the barakah of charcoal without tearing up because this is where God says, I am right now to have the faith in that and to be able to grab hold of that and say I will continue on with this because this is what God says, I am is huge because you let go of a lot of stress and you let go of a lot of I let go of a lot of things that I felt like should be happening. And it's like, hey, this is what God says, I am. Speaker 1 So, what was your feeling in terms of like, you know, the feeling of why me of? Speaker 2 Like, as I'm say I've never had anger because like a tomato, doesn't make any sense. Everyone has always goodness where it's good. Everyone Speaker 1 has. We have bleep things out. If you need to, it's okay. It's a safe Speaker 2 space. Everyone has something in their life. I'm sorry. I don't believe that I'm special or that there's something everyone has Something's, but why should I feel angry? This has happened to me. It could happen to anyone. And again, it's my choice. Anger takes a lot of energy. I have no desire to spend my life. Speaker 1 Angry, right? I don't, it's Speaker 2 Sia, grandparents, went through the Holocaust. Also changes things. Were the way you think about things Speaker 1 right now. It's just as like, I don't know. It's kind of like a natural reaction, but do I guess. Do you feel like you're Like your relationship with us has gotten stronger through this or it's like you feel more in your life lesson, your life. What's the, you know? Speaker 2 I would say it's probably Different. Maybe. I think I see his presence, a lot more. I think I talked to him, I throughout my day, a lot more, I think I see him in everything, a lot more, because it's my choice of like, it's very easy to get bogged down when you're surrounded by symptoms. Now, than I ever have been. It's very easy to get trapped in those sorts of feelings and I find the giving myself over to God and saying, You need to help me right now. I find that a very powerful tools that you, you put me here. You are the only person who can help me right now that I've been certain points when I've been very stuck down. And very, I guess you're right me. There was one point, I was angry. Actually, that wasn't an honest answer before when I had my first, when I just, when I had the first surgery, it's much more. And if this is all clear, because I'm jumping about between surgery. So I feel like I should like, clarify everything in about 20. I was pregnant with my fourth child. Thank God. I thought I was going crazy because all of a sudden I couldn't write all my letters were like jumping around and and I didn't tell Danny, my amazing husband, who I must have done something right in life to get him because I honestly thought I was going cuckoo and I try and put my hand on the tap on my hand will go next to the tap and then I would be like, okay to today, I ate an apple and felt good. I must need to eat more apples and I drank coffee. It was bad. Just like rationalizing. Things have really weird ways eventually I Hold any that all my writing was strange when I went to the doctor and then they tell, you need Vitamin B12, they tell you it's your hormones. And then they give you like a really painful job in your bomb. And then we realize it's nothing to do with that and you know, like I didn't need to do that and then you go see other doctors. They tell you all sorts of things. And eventually after I had Gaddy was the night, I had him actually and I try to write my code down for the door for someone and just everything was like a mess and Side me. I had this prayer and this hope that I'd have my baby and was all hormones and everything would go back to normal and then I had him and three when he was three months old. I went to have an MRI and it was at like 1:00 in the morning in your shall I am? And it was a real Israel experience because I go to the hospital and they say the MRIs, not here you have to go to the to the car park and in the car park, you'll see a caravan and that's the MRI. And I'm like, I'm sorry what? And so I made a joke to them. How this is so Israeli that I'm like in a car park at 1:00 in the morning with my baby and you're telling me to go to a caravan and she cursed me, do you know why it's in a caravan? So no she goes. It drives around Israel to the places that don't have MRI machines in the hospital. And then I was like, wow, that's so amazing. And I was so embarrassed and that's Speaker 1 always really awesome. We're going to try to do what we need, what we can do. Speaker 2 So brilliant. Whatever the place that don't have that iconic, a huge idiot and so judgmental. Hello. And now, if you're my best, not to make those sorts of comments anymore, and I had to MRI yourself exactly, which I still don't manage to do, because I have a really big mouth, and I forget that people speak English in Israel also. So I think I can say something but really, I can't and I knew on the way out of the MRI, there was a problem because really technicians are not allowed to say things and as I'm stepping down, the Caravan steps, she goes to Miraflores Lima. And I was like, Something's Speaker 1 Strange. Speaker 2 So I came down and however, many days later I was told to go into Hadassah because I didn't realize the situation. I took my baby with me and I shouldn't have taken him. And when they weren't checking things out, they even said to me because I like apologize, ask me to do all these tests and I knew I was doing everything correctly, and I apologize for wasting their time. And this guy, Danny was in the waiting room with the baby and he goes to me. Oh no. Is plenty of people turn up here and they don't really have anything and he puts my MRI scan up and he goes, but but with you, we could tell very easily that there's something going on. So I was like, oh, I do not. It's a manner. Exactly, exactly. Also just was not. I mean, the bedside manner got worse. As time went on. And now you've now I've learned the fact that I actually don't care anymore. If you're a good doctor, you're gonna look after me, it's fine. So they then we were in Hadassah and I had my first First night there on a beautiful win, and I had to call my Speaker 1 family. This is when you first found out or this is Speaker 2 this is when I first found out in Hadassah and they said I had to stay and I didn't realize I would have to stay and I didn't realize what was going on and they didn't realize what has been said to me and what hasn't been said to me, he said it was a choice between a few things they said, but they believed I should really back up because beforehand, I've been called by the doctor to say just by the way, we found something but it's not a tumor. It was the first time my kids have ever been, told to go watch TV because Danny was trying to talk to the doctor and to fill me in on everything calling, my family was horrendous. Horrendous to tell them my younger brother because I'm close with them and I love them and they're like, amazing. He's like, no, they're definitely wrong. You can't have a brain tumor. This can't be what's going on right now and every nurse you came in and they would see me and the doctors that I do know, this call me what the situation is because you really look fine. I then discharged myself from Hadassah because I was told very awkward thing to do. I was told Speaker 1 that you're not the only one who's left the hospital and Speaker 2 you feel if we have to sign something that says, like if something happens to you then it's it's all on you. So I was told that in Hadassah, they they do biopsies and the initiative, they don't believe it biopsies. Because if you're going to go to someone's brain, and is something that even if it's not cancerous, just take the Whole bloody thing out. Why do you have to, like, do a biopsy as it has? It is, you could do it whilst you're in there anyway, trying to take it out. So they said if you hear the word biopsy run and come to a full of, because they knew the surgeon who was there. So we left, we go to the clave. And the guy says to me when they were trying to like test me in order to bring me into the hospital. He says to me what 100 minus 4 and I'm sitting out this and Danny so embarrassed cause he's like a numbers. And I'm like 47, and I'm trying to figure it out and the guy goes, it's fine, it's fine. They wanted to work out where the tumor was and therefore, if your numbers are like in paired, I did spend the rest of my time running around hostile going to 106 106. He like it's not relevant anymore. Thank you very much for coming to tell me the answer but it's not relevant at all. I don't know. It was important to me, then I went into a cloven, want to speak about, no bedside Manner and not being told what's going on, we sit down with Professor, I am who, who was animate? He's and he's an amazing surgeon. At this point, had a said, they wouldn't even touch it because of where it was impressed by what I got. This is so fun. Come on in, and we still hadn't been told really that it was a tumor or not. A tumor, was it Ms. What was going on and he sits us down. And my heart broke for Danny because I said all these people say these little comments to me and he hadn't had any Professor around puts the thing up and goes. Well it's obviously a brain tumor. It's right here and Danny look like he's been run over by a bus. And he said, no but they're not sure if it's a tumor and Professor a like of course, will surely go to this. I have a picture on my phone of it. This you don't need a genius to tell that there's like a huge thing. It's right over here right there and he said it's fine will book you in for surgery next week and it all happened very quickly after that Danny and I decided straight away that we would watch Comedy every night because you Um, get you know, the these things can become everything and it's so important that it doesn't become everything to to me. Like I've, I've said to the kids since the beginning, which is not a true sentence anymore, unfortunately, but I said there's one brain tumor. And so many bahat has so many blessings and it's a choice. Do you live your life with just the brain tumor? Or do you grab hold of all the blessings? And I want to get to the end of my life and say I just lived with a brain tumor and missed out on all the Speaker 1 blessings. Speaker 2 I can't that's that is the saddest reality is, there's so many good things, so many good things they say. It's like, not a funny sense anymore because there's more than one way to miss. It's not like that. If you have two brain tumors and lots of what happened, it's like not funny said that anymore, but it's the the concept of it is Speaker 1 true. How do you interact and how you? Speaker 2 Yes, that's I think so much of life is about perception, so much of it is about mindset, so much of it is about how we choose to see things. So much of it is about how we choose to teach things to other people. What do I want my children to learn from this? What I want my life to be from this because life does change. I can't like it's very much. I had to learn after mean just to go back to the surgeries he calls us. You do a lot of pre-op before brain surgery. Where's the tumor? How's the person? Are you left brains? Are you right brains? It turns out. I right. Might have times I do everything else with my right hand see and where the tumor is all my right, which controls your left. But for me, I don't have a dominant side so because there's no dominant side. They said I have to have awake, brain surgery in order to control my speech so that they can tell if my speech is being affected because they don't know what side it's on. So Professor Ron was really sweet and said I've got a video on YouTube that can explain to you how awake surgery. We work because I was like, what the hell you talkin about surgeries asleep? But I guess about how it goes. So he tells us what to type and we go home and I promise, we typed in the right thing and sunny this booming voice goes who discover you have to have brain surgery. Discover it has to be awake. It's your worst nightmare when I got my God switch, this thing off, I don't know what the rest of India was because when we heard that was such a law, professor I'm said, we typed in the wrong thing, I have no idea. We switched it off and it's fine and I sat with these amazing people and they show you cards of like a cow and if you Say it's a cow before surgery but in surgery you say it's a fork then they know that in the wrong place because everything you it's really amazing, amazing stuff. You go into this, functional MRI with those questions or top of you and they can see your Pathways in your brain of which bit you're using. I mean, this stuff is amazing. It's really amazing. Amazing stuff. The first brain surgery. I was awake Speaker 1 for I Speaker 2 think six hours of it and then asleep for the go in and they remember this but very very clearly and I was awake. You say hi to the team and I tried to pick my head up and you can't pick your head up because you're bolted to the table in order that you don't move while stay open you up. You get little brain freezes during surgery where they have to dumb down everything because they connect everything up to Speaker 1 is it like drink like when you eat ice cream? Yeah. Thing. That's what you feel. Speaker 2 Yeah. I like throw-up /, /, / towel. I felt terrible. But she was look amazing while she showed me the pictures and they could literally, they have to throw eyes, each time. They test a different bit of your brain. Then they have to make that big go back to sleep with way to do it is with ice. So then yes. And eventually I was too tired to answer questions and to talk and then make sure you have to stay awake and at the time I had a mantra and it went identify, remember it, but it went To health family and friends to being a Jew and having faith to Hope. Good deeds. And gratitude for all of this, I am blessed. I said to them. Can I just then sing and I lay there on the table of however long? It was sang that again and again and again because that's what I wanted to be a my head, you have faith, you have gratitude, you have goodness here blessings and that's what I wanted to be going through. Through me, during such a Speaker 1 Time. Speaker 2 And then I thank God came out of surgery. And so my father who said I looked beautiful, even though, you know, half my head, my darling husband who's much more. It was like, sure. There was nothing beautiful about you. What? Sir? And then I discovered that the brain tumor unit has Mirrors and it should not have mirrors. It's not a good place to see yourself looking and then thank God. And after the first surgery, I had to relearn a ton of stuff. I had an amazing OT who gave me back my life, and I'm so grateful. And then 14 14 months later and they told me the time I was so lucky, I had the best sort of tumor that there was. It's very slow growing and they said to me though, it's like a Christian marriage. You can ever get a divorce from it but it's very slow growing. So 14 months later when I was back. Having my second surgery, it was quite shocking and that's when I reached not a good point. I felt like I'd done. It felt like I had my surgery are, that was my thing and because it was very fight-or-flight, I guess is the best way. And I And I fought it and I was proud of myself and it was something that we've got through. So I discovered the second surgery, I couldn't believe it. And why do they have to do it again? What I done wrong the first time that this was something I had to do again. And I really fell into a funk in the corner of the room and I couldn't pick myself up and I knew I couldn't go into surgery like that because if I was in such a low point, that how was I going to do this? It wasn't who I wanted him. It wasn't what I wanted to teach my kids. I'm not a very big rabbi. Person. I reach out to Rabbi the how to pick myself up. I didn't know what to do. I spoke to my family, my friends, I didn't know what to do, but I learned such an important lesson about prayer because I felt so empty. But I called out to God and I said, you have to help me and share my don't know what to do. And even though it was an empty prayer with no belief in it, that's that's my point. There was no faith in. It wasn't a prayerful of, like, I believe in you guys, and I think you're going to help me. I felt so. No. And said you can't you need to do something because I don't know what to do and he said to me, I'm here, dear child, I'm here. Speaker 1 I guess just from your land. And you were able to like, then pick yourself up from that? Yes. That's like an amazing thing. Just like I do. I think, you know who so often, we stub our toe and we're like, gosh, you can't believe God. You doing this to me. We have a little kids book. It's got about a dog called the lamb alko read ethically. It's his dog gets a splinter in his hand and throughout the book, you know, this one. And you know, it's cartoon book. You know, just one gets hit by a car and that's when this that I would like not, you know, and they're all end up in the hospital and like body cast and he's like, llama, El Coco, raid Africa, Lee, I have this like little thing rear and kind of like, you know, in some ways it's like the bigger thing. Sometimes it's almost easier to be Speaker 2 like I was just about to say, I think bigger things that easy. I've personally, I think big things you have time to adjust to. I think knee-jerk reaction, I'm terrible. If I were to start my toe or something smaller happens, I think bigger picture you have time to decide who you are and who you want to Speaker 1 be the best decision. You've always you've always decided choose life. Choose happiness. Speaker 2 This is no. I was a miserable teenager who thought that I would get attention and friends. If people needed to be with me because I was miserable. And then one day, I decided if I have a choice about someone being with me something, I've been trying to teach my kids in people now people, Are drawn to positivity, people want to spend time with people who are nice. If you walk into an interview, it's past the stage of qualifications. It's do. I want to be in an office with these people. With this person is this I wonder who's positive to be with, is this? Someone who's going to bring good? Good atmosphere. Is this something? So it came to a point for me where I made a choice about who do I want to be? Do I want to look at the clouds and see the grade when I look at the clouds of Find the elephant? You know, there's like so and what I want to teach my kids. Why did God make me? My mother. Why do? I it's a choice of perception. So choice of how we deal with things. It stop and think who don't want to be Speaker 1 the change. Why did you have that? Change was just like Speaker 2 because everything takes effort and even to be miserable. And I it's it's it's not fun. And with with this specifically Who do I want to be? Like my kids are going to look back on this. And if I'm going to look back to more blessings, I Speaker 1 can't And every day you just wake up and you make that, so what do you do when you're having that bad bad day? You, you know, I mean this this, you know, discussion has gotten pushed off a couple of times because for different different reasons because last week was a much, you know, you are in a lower place. So what do you do when you're feeling like garbage and you just like, Speaker 2 it's a hard one because at some point needs to give yourself a kick up the turquoise and say, get on with it. But you always have to allow yourself to be real. So it's the balance of saying right now, being real or I feel sad or this her to me or I can't do this but also this is not how I'm going to live so be real kick up the Turkish getup with it because you had to be Wheels if you don't it's also not healthy, right? So you have to allow yourself to be saddled, feel things. But I'm also terrified but a myself to be too sad. I'll be stuck in like a well. So it's like a very Speaker 1 So you have are they things you avoid talking about? They're like topics or times that you're just like, this is just not where I'm going and I'm not interested in having that having a conversation. Speaker 2 Probably, there were times, probably the people ask me questions about how I'm doing and then I just like change the conversation. The only thing that I would not discuss I discussed life and good things that I can't go to the other side of that right now because it's not relevant to me right now. All right. Well maybe there are other people who are happy to go there. That's probably my cut off. I was wondering who I was. Want the kids of people to know that I've been honest. Right? I've tried my best with things. That's I Speaker 1 mean that's that's all we can do like it right at a certain time at a certain point Speaker 2 that his grandmother says, you could try your best and God will do the rest, right? That's how little when you see how it's what she says. Speaker 1 You look at some people and they're just like, long face and you're like, what do you so miserable about, right? What and look. What do you think? Speaker 2 They don't feel good being miserable, which is what hurts me? Right, it's not. They feel better because they'll Speaker 1 write anything. What would you say? You know, I know we talked about this because you hesitate because you don't want to judge someone in that Speaker 2 situation where it's very, very hard about what to say to someone because you will see, you never know, this is something I've been learning a lot recently. You never know, someone's personal circumstances for where they've come, how they build themselves up their life they've had before if they didn't sleep? Well, the night before, if someone had a tantrum if they're going through financial Don't know where someone is standing so how can I ever step in and tell someone how to be? Which is also why it's really interesting that you're saying this because I am making me think which is also why it's so important to be that person because they would just by being that person you could help them without sitting down and seeing them. You are a miserable poo and I think you should act like this maybe just by being you just by being made by being who you are. You can't. Teach them something. But that's, there's a whole thing about the fact that you can't learn to row a boat when you're in the storm. You have to decide who you are, when things are calm and nice. So that when you get in that boat and the storm hits, you know how to row, you have to exercise those muscles. So when something happens, you're strong happens. You're strong enough to say, I can deal with this, and maybe at times, you have to stop growing and just go with the waves, the things go up and down. Maybe times you've got to put the weights down, it's okay, Speaker 1 right? I mean, I would think, you know, coming your situation you Look at people and say I'm doing it. Meaning and, and, and whatever you're having, I probably have it, as you know, I've gone through some pretty bad things. So like just suck it up Speaker 2 like no, see, especially, I don't like that. How I remember after one of my surgeries people were like, I can't tell sure that I didn't sleep well last night because I my baby because she's going through, such a hard time. No, that's what's going on in your life right now. And it's not smaller because of what I'm going through, because everything's relevant to each. Person with what they're going through in their life and mine is not bigger or worse because you're going through something different, right? Because to you, that's something huge. So, therefore, to me, as your friend, is someone, who loves you, that's something huge. And I would never want someone to not talk to me about something because they felt like what I was going through was bitter, still people do sometimes, right? Speaker 1 Is it how do you feel like you know we live in an amazing community and like you know, to what you know kind of what message is like What would you want people to ask? Do you want? Not Speaker 2 people. I feel so sorry for people around me because you never know what to do. No one ever knows what to do and it's so awkward. I feel so, sorry for Speaker 1 people, we have this thing, you know, it's like you're here about someone and they're like, how come nobody asked me about whatever they were going through and and then other times the people are like correct. I can all people do is they ask me all day long. I just want them to leave me alone and you're like, okay, so Speaker 2 and sometimes people like privacy. And so there's people wanted to 100% which is why I will never judge. Anyone who says something stupid. The one thing I will say to people rather reach out and don't reach out because the feeling of loneliness Is awful and no one should ever feel alone when they're going through something. And even someone, like my husband who doesn't really want to talk to people. It's something that he went through with probably the first surgery because people don't know what to do is to sometimes people back away. And the feeling of being alone is worse than someone reaching out and saying the stupidest thing ever. And people do say stupid things but Speaker 1 it's give me, you know, some of the top ones that you have Speaker 2 very awkward because if this ever some of the, some of the don't share the one United obvious, you know that it was your neighbor or where the thing that I probably. He said, you know about their internet, but like, for Danny, I was very, very happy for him. Once because someone went to give thought they were giving him a huge hug and being supportive and as you know, Danny does not want a big hug from anyone. But really, they gave it to his brother. They were like, I'm sorry with everything that you go through some of the stupid things that people have said, no, you know what Ramey I choose to let go and I can't even remember but you smile and Nod as politely as you can. And and then you just move on and like, oh my God, I can't believe you just did that but because people do, but I actually appreciate it because rather say something stupid, they're not say anything Speaker 1 and you see their humanity and that's yeah, correct. Speaker 2 And you see that someone's Speaker 1 trying Speaker 2 rather than feeling lonely, which Speaker 1 is awful have there been point? I mean, I guess you said after the first surgery was like more, like people are backing away like Speaker 2 you, I think people didn't know what to do and then also when you have friends Different circles as how my girlfriends who have got relationships with your kids. For example, especially when they're younger, will take them off to school and feel like they can do something to help. And sometimes people don't know what to do to help in a practical way and they don't realize the power of just being Speaker 1 there, right? Speaker 2 I think that was something I had a good friend who also learned that lesson who didn't know what to do. So they backed away and I don't judge them for it because that then the power of just being there and So why not feeling alone is huge, Speaker 1 right? It's a dr. David Pearl covets he said Jose said within our community we chicken soup people to death. You know that like okay so I'll just make I make food. Here's cookies here those are Tears like you know and it's like okay there's get to a point where there's Speaker 2 a certain I actually looked like after might have been before this round of treatment, you know like I was having a kid I show my house one time before she died was because people would be able to drop off so much. Stuff. But it's funny because the kids don't get the connection Mike is, at least they'll know. But why, and why they bring us a cake. And I'm trying to explain that people want to do something so you smile and you know, then you say thank you, because I can understand that need. But what I want to do is I think I see my husband who I say I think is in a worse position than me. What do you want to do? Is to help and what can he do, right? And I feel, I've said this to you, I feel so blessed. That, what a brain, tumor fell in my house, it fell on me. I get to choose how I deal with it. I don't have to watch someone suffer, right? And that, that's huge. It's huge. Speaker 1 And I think there's there is just that challenge because we like to be doers we like to. Yeah. And and want to try and fix and I, and I think we also try to make sense of like, what's going on, and it's like, oh, yeah, you know, that's Speaker 2 that's interesting what you're saying. Because I read an article to try and help myself about in life. There are givers and takers, and everyone wants to be there. Giver of the food and no one wants to be the taker and the receiver and that's been something that's been very very, very difficult. You don't always want to take. I don't always want to say yeah I need a meal or Speaker 1 something. I'll tell you I'm not Point riff. Dessler has a as a bit in his piece I'm giving and taking I said there are people who give who are takers and there are people who take, who are givers. So your kid comes home from school and they drew you. This is beautiful picture, right? That Our gorgeous from and to what are you, what are you? Do you say wow what a beautiful and it's really just scribbles and saying particularly when they're younger, you know. Like but they come home with scribbles on their paper and you accept that that parent is not a taker. They're a giver and they're giving their giving that that love. So some people come with the chicken soup and it come with the you know with the with the kögel or the cake or whatever and they're taking, they're just doing an almost for themselves and some people so it kind of works both ways. So You're talking about, you know, you don't want to always be a taker or a receiver, but that is giving that is showing people how to graciously accept those Speaker 2 gifts. That's what I was like wheezing that some people have to be the receivers. So the some people can be the give us and that's been very, very difficult Speaker 1 because you're giving person and you don't want to Speaker 2 see, you don't want to be annoying. I feel like I'm enjoying, right? It's annoying to be Speaker 1 annoying. Yeah, I don't think you're annoying. I mean, Speaker 2 Figure. I think what were these women? Who make things that people are so nice. Right people? We live as you say, in an amazing community and people are so Speaker 1 nice. Yeah, I think people are just trying to connect figure out what to do. I think also you come with a certain set of glasses and people respond in kind to that you know is you go to a you're in the office you have someone that you don't get along with or sour face or you have a sour face they're going to respond totally I need to use right? You see people as beautiful and giving Speaker 2 because our people are amazing. It's something so important, the fact that I like the way that God made people is amazing and to allow people to grow and change and you know that person who maybe didn't do a good job the first time or the teenagers who are growing and changing and not to pigeonhole people, you know, that person who maybe didn't do something right the first time it-it's. So people are really, really amazing. People want to be amazing. I don't think anyone wants to be Speaker 1 mean. Speaker 2 I think the people who say stupid things, I think the anyone means to be made, Speaker 1 right? No, it's just sometimes, you don't know, you don't know Speaker 2 what, people don't know what to say. I don't blame them. I wouldn't know what to say, yeah, which I feel bad about, because people always, even sure I what should people do. And I'm like, I don't know of people to do, right think it's hard. It's really, really Speaker 1 hard, but for you, but for you, you feel loneliness Speaker 2 and only decided about all those people who buy themselves all day who are lonely, right? So it's too much time to think it's an - place to be, you don't feel cared for this so many connotations to being lonely. That no one should ever Speaker 1 know, right? It's that means that's the toad to reach out to pick up the phone. Speaker 2 Yeah. Also we're very lucky nowadays because of things like, WhatsApp. Someone doesn't have to look at it, right? It's there. They'll look at it when they're ready to just be a home letter that you've liked done. It's just about reaching out. I think that's probably a good thing. Speaker 1 That's always. So I write for myself, I'm like you write that you There's no blue check. You know, like you have that you're like, did they read it to? They get it. Do you want to follow up another? You know, and now three weeks go by and you didn't hear from the person. They didn't respond. You left him with Speaker 2 no, but sometimes they don't respond because they're just feeling ill or they're just not feeling well, but they've seen it and it's helped them. I did something that I've been learning recently about prayer, especially where people, Dublin for someone who's ill, what do they expect the answer to be? It's always for them to live, right? You don't realize the power of Y. Can I be a mother to my children? Why can I get up in the morning and wake them up? Why can't I walk with my honey hands down? The street. Why can I go? Why can't I make supper for my kids? It's because of your prayers. It's not always about the end result about a fact. If someone's going to live or not live, look at the life, you're giving someone. And sometimes, when I walk down the street, I want to see two people, these are your prayers, this is what you're doing for me and it's not about, I mean I am planning on being the longest Survivor ever. That is my my plan. But for now, See what your prayers are doing, right? And I don't think people always connect that when they pray for someone who's got an illness, right? And I want everyone to know that. Speaker 1 That's why I Speaker 2 think it's so important. Speaker 1 Like, also we dive in and we've unfortunately, we know in our community. We have yes, yes, we have had, you know, people tragedy tragedy is that and you're kind of like, you know, what was the point? You're showing your shoulder, it's a Michael, what like, why this person like that. And I think that's It's just something that's that we do find to be challenging Speaker 2 so I think it's important that people know. Speaker 1 Yeah it's definitely Speaker 2 but I think it's also a huge challenge when you have such faith in God and way to he runs the Speaker 1 world. Speaker 2 to say that if something God forbid happens, That's the right thing for God to run the world. So how do you put together? The fact that something so tragic and I never very selfish and I don't want it to be me. But then I also believe that the way God does things is the right way and that's a really weird connection to Speaker 1 make. No, it's Because we don't know we just ran and I think that's that's something that I think we all just I'll have that like we try to make sense of it and you're like okay what's going on like why? There's and why that but yeah it's Speaker 2 certainly the biggest pressure with that, which has been since the brain tumor has begun Is. If God has put me here and I'm still here. What is it? I'm supposed to be doing Speaker 1 right and you feel like you have to come up with that. No answer, no, Speaker 2 and it hurts me every single minute of every single day Speaker 1 because you do you're not sure like. Yeah, because I believe that using mother, you have your your kids, you have your you give people his if you suppose that what it Speaker 2 is and I haven't, I haven't but I feel with my whole being if God has kept me here. I mean, there were so many positives that come from it. Like, I love watching my kids fight because it's like, yeah, I'm here and I get to see them fighting. So it's not always about the positive days, it's even being appreciative all those negative X because it's like I'm here and I get to do it. But is that your strange in that way? I Speaker 1 don't think that most people are like, you know, they're their kids fight the other one, but Speaker 2 the point is, if there's something - happening, I'm so happy to be there, right? Because it's like this is real life and I'm here. And I get to say thank you to God that. I'm here right now and I can stand back and I can enjoy it for a few moments and then I'll stop them fighting, but like you get to enjoy. But have I found the real? Does it hurt me? Yeah, it's so that that's been the hardest thing, right? I mean, why am I here? Speaker 1 People always are like, that's all, you know, like you want to, you want to live every minute to the fullest and you're like, okay, so now what? And and Speaker 2 it's even more, cause it's like a goddess. I said that I'm still. Hey even if doctors have said I'm not and I don't care what. Dr. Say I'm sorry because I think God's will sort things out the way they he does things but then what am I still missing something? Have I not figured out why it is that God has said sure. I you're Speaker 1 still here. I'd say it's big and it's heavy, it's big, and it's heavy. It's big, and it's heavy. And I think we, I think there's a lot of. I think there's a lot of positive than you bring so much to the table. There's so much goodness that so smiling. I mean, I just look around. I have certain pet peeve, which I think you probably would agree with me on this one. But a lot of times I walk into shul and like, people are not smiling. People are like, you know, and and I know it's a resting face. A lot of times, it's a resting face are not, you know, Which it's not like we're here we're live, we woke up. We like you know Speaker 2 but that's all. So you could just see that some personal it's Speaker 1 just like, you know, and this is what I am. This is what I want to give over. And that's, you know, I know for you. That's what that's that's you just want to lose it positivity Speaker 2 because of Kuwait Speaker 1 exactly had this much energy and it's like, let's just do something Speaker 2 the exactly that. It's about what you want to fill the world with, right? What do you choose to fill the world Speaker 1 with? Do you feel for your like that? Your kids are like able to adapt that and hear it from you or it's Speaker 2 well, they sometimes make fun of me that I go Mommy. With her life lessons, they feel like sometimes. So, sometimes I have to like tone it down a little bit and also, as they grow older, I have to not Hammer on about it. And I have to not expect them to react a certain way. You know, when you have teenagers I have to let them grow and do things in their own way. And be honest, with them about things, my youngest is very perceptive and asks, amazing questions about things and sometimes gets really sad about the occurs. My second youngest is the one who keeps everything in but with this last Age of chemo was like from a kid from a film, like, through chairs, and, like did everything. My daughter is close. Close happy. Yes. Yes, correct. Express it. It's it's good. It's good. And a fifteen-year-old as they go through big teenager and also being Reverend, I'm fortunate was I'm very close with my kids, love them to Pieces. We talk about things and I believe, and I would love that to be like a law that we should all have to laugh at least once a month until your belly hurt. You know that feeling. It's an amazing thing to do. You just get to like roll about laugh with people and connect with people and so I try and do that. Like it's those things are so important with the kids also. So I have to be real with him about the heavy stuff, but we also need to laugh and do karaoke and dance and stuff and fill our life with Speaker 1 music. Do you feel that kind of their the weight of this has made the other side? I'd like I've heard that people say that, you know, trying to think it was, I think it was Sherry Mandela said something along the lines of like that that in Camp Kobe or whatever. I think that. Yeah that is like is the happiest place on Earth because your deal with people who have you know there's tragedy on the one hand in there and they're kind of way occurs world who created the world is Zelda model, you know that you have tragedy in pain and on the other hand you have this. Unbelievable. You know. Speaker 2 So one of my hardest questions in life has always been and I don't know if you experience this as well. Why is it when something sad happens to someone at 9:00 in the morning we can still feel that tragedy in our heart the whole day and we can go to bed sad and we're still thinking about it when we hear about someone having a healthy baby or someone getting engaged, it's about a two-second Feeling. Why, why is that? I've done a lot of reading about it to do with the fact that is actually how we made. Speaker 1 Yeah, there's something I mean, it's the negativity bias that Speaker 2 we do it. Is that what it's Speaker 1 called? Yeah, there's actually a book that I saw that was written about the teachings of above attribute called positivity bias that like, oh, to focus on those on those positive moments because, yeah, there's something about -, by the way, if you take a look at the like x 1, x has like, the 100 greatest pictures of the year, you know, and you look, Look through it's the most depressing. These sometimes I like like like to other pictures are like a baby being born and some, you know, some guy winning a gold medal, that's like, but if you look to everything else is always like, Speaker 2 kind of famine and Speaker 1 starvation, there's just something about us. I don't know. We intentionally like look or were wired for that negativity, but the Speaker 2 others and it holds onto US much more. Yeah. My nephew sent me go to filter / of a panda on a kiddie toy this morning. That's so nice. And we should look at things like Which are funny and make us laugh and which city, but we seem to hold on to her much longer these negative feelings and its really can't quite figure out. It's Speaker 1 not right, what? Why this is like, you know, we have that tragedy sitting on her head for days and weeks Speaker 2 and and that healthy people oppose you've got engaged. It's literally a few hours later and it's, as if we never heard that happy news that why doesn't it fill us up to say way? Yeah, but negativity does I don't. Yeah, I don't know. Don't worry. Speaker 1 I think about it, sometimes I actually had had questions that I decide to cut him out, but I think relates to this, but better about simcha has about like different, because they're more more meaningful now. Do you appreciate them more? Do you like going? Because we're exactly that, like, when there's a leviathans like stop everything and like, when it's a SIM cards, like Speaker 2 my parents will always have have said these people would move Heaven and Earth to get to a liar. But when there's a simcha, which is why it's been so important to them, that our He's this amazing papaya unit that we're together for some hot and good things were able to because it's your thing about going to a SIM card which is local and it not being annoying. Why do we feel that? Because I read it and I was filled with a bit of guilt towards. I can call it so true. So we have to get a dress and you have to go out and a babysitter and talk to people. They why it won't? Why is Speaker 1 that? Yeah I mean I think down to this negativity that - things are easier for us to focus on I am not sure I haven't done enough reading or research better but there's definitely that feeling of like you know you said you have that tragedy. Its front and center or that La Via. It's like we run to it but when it comes to when it comes to the happy things celebrating or dancing or you Speaker 2 know, takes much more effort somehow like to it was amazing timing because please God next week I have a bat mitzvah and people always say that I can do something as an excuse, your you could get out of everything. It's always important for me to work out what's real and what's just an excuse, right? Because sometimes we just make excuses for being. That's also seems to be like is my leg really bad. Do I actually feel very one-sided today to ovulate, can I go for 10 minutes? Can I not go? It's so it really made me think was, was the point about putting in the effort and going, even if it's just for a short time to go and to save myself and be part of someone's silica? Speaker 1 Yeah. No. I think we, I think we have to and it's like, yes, we go there. And it's like, Like, I mean, I'm a dancer. So, I always try to like, dance these things and get into it because it's like the Speaker 2 make the ruach and positive. And, Speaker 1 yeah, that's what we Speaker 2 want. Agreed Speaker 1 agreed, some reason, we focus so much on the negative word, yelling, our kids for this. Then the next thing is like what? Like everything is. So everything was so good. I mean, the kids are. I mean, we got a going to be up all night tonight at the hell. Yes! Hell yes. You know. It's like it Lyle 11 and it's like it's just they're doing great things. Yeah. Correct. And we, you know, I know I'm hard on my kids, but it's like, why can't we just be like? Hey, this is amazing. I do I do one thing which I think you would appreciate at like when I'm Drive the girls in the morning and I'm and I'm just like it's a great day today. Today just going to be an amazing day and Speaker 2 there's a Winnie the Pooh about that. Yeah. Where he says where piglet says, to what's your favorite day? And he said today, he said every day, he said why it's? Because every day is my favorite Speaker 1 day, right? And it and just, I'm just like And we have it so good and we have so much to talk about. We talk about broccoli. Have we love living in eretz Israel? I just saw this last week, we said, yeah, Covina wakes up and he says, yeah. Uh, I'm, uh, I shampooed McComas a piña colada I.E, and he wakes up with this, like total, like total like days. Like, I didn't I didn't realize that God was in this place. Like here we are, we're living in Israel. We're like we're, you know, we're Of families. Thank God. We're doing amazing things. And we Speaker 2 somehow, you know what though that that's the thing Hashem is everywhere and you can talk to him at any time and you can gain anything and you can reach out or you cannot reach out or the till I can be in your hearts or it can be from a sitter or a to him if you can't find the words and sometimes it doesn't have to be something. So official just know that God is there and to me that's something that I connectors not have now with make someone else connect to but I'm fortunate that I do connect. To that because I think that's one of the things I find beautiful about Judaism. So many different ways to connect. So, let's amazingly. He woke up. And he could say that, you know, I've really. And for Speaker 1 me, I was just like, wow, I know he loved your daddy. Like, I didn't even realize, like, because, because I'm here, I'm yelling at the kid. I'm driving carpool. I'm doing this that. Whatever. It's like details are in Kabul, right? Yeah, I know. But it's just like, Hey, we're here and we're doing good things and we have good things to do and there's so much. There's so much need in this so much ability for us to do. More and more and more meaning. Think that's Speaker 2 we have a chart of the moment at home, says, stop and think. And there's two sides of it. Because sometimes it stop. And think about Ben, Adam Davila about, you know, you've just sneezed whoever tissue kind of do like an easy Mitzvah and help you. And sometimes it's about between you and God are there easy there. Things that we could do to stop and think between me and God and say, Here's my brother. Before I do something to realize that God is there, right? And I don't know. It's like a very Speaker 1 powerful. Yeah. I've also been thinking a lot about what we say broke out in the morning. It's like one of my favorite. They're still basic Moab, Utah Beach are rooming like we're wearing clothing, I mean, Chris Paul who gave us that clothing Speaker 2 and I favor one has always been shot, Sally, cardstock a chance, given me, everything, which I need. And I remember when I had babies, you get the like, four hours of sleep, and I'm like, okay. So Hashem says right now, this is what I need. I need four hours sleep and I don't need anything. And if this is what's happening right now, this is what I need. The best me and there's no other questions and I've took on you know before bow shimada's, Miss Marshall haha, Gotta Buy it that is all about being down. Yeah when I was helping someone, when I was in high school she had been through a tragedy and she couldn't pick herself up and I said you know maybe try and say this to feel like because that's what it's about it's about being down and not being able to get yourself up and saying God you need to help me and I've said it for myself. I said it for my children that there are times when you You don't know what to do and you just need God to reach in. I do there at the, you know, in the media. There's that feel a before Ella kind of soil where you say, thank Speaker 1 you, Tony Murphy Speaker 2 at the end. I wanted to break it with bekaert. Remember, There's a broad Highway, you say, thank you to our chairman. I always stop right up after murdering before you finish. Yeah. If I had a said, I could show it to you. I wanted to bring it with I apologize because I knew I could never remember what it is. I always stop and I say thank you to Hashem for something personal for me as opposed to rushing over it. If there's a to feel that God has put their or not God, but the that has been put into artificial prayer that I can Jolly. Well, stop and find something personal. Need to say, thank you again for this. I'll find it for you. It's very important. And there are times what I do, unfortunately rush over it and I say they, gosh, I'm here this morning with all my charger, but there are times when I can, you know, write half-dressed. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, right. But there are times when I can focus a bit more and I can say thank you for something, that means something more. And it's very important. I think to find that balance between I guess things that have been given to us the things that we can give over, like the detail, which is there any way is something that I can interject in it, if that makes Speaker 1 sense. Do you? And I mean, this is somewhat obvious, but do you find more meaning in the Fela or, or just your own? You know, those Speaker 2 Both are sometimes think we can't find the words and even if we don't understand, the the Hebrew word or we don't agree with exactly words. At least they're there for us to say. And there were times when I just want to do my own thing and I were times during the day. Also when I just want to reach out and say thank you for this or help me with this or and I think it's important and I feel very privileged that I have that, I would Hazard not everyone has that right? I feel that I can do that. Speaker 1 Twerk for me like the hilum. Does not do it at all. There we go. I'm like okay, it doesn't connect read the words, it's like, short astray. I like things that I say on a regular basis, I connect a lot more to a brothel in Speaker 2 the morning. No, but that's so interesting. Cause sometimes people find the opposite, they say all the time, let's learn my love that. So you'll see he Speaker 1 say, I mean, this goes back to my for, you know, for me in terms of reading. Speaker 2 Yes, it means it's too sexy, right? But, Speaker 1 but it's like, so I don't I'm not interested in In sitting and reading through pages and pages. That really don't mean anything. But right. Sure that's right. Okay. I know all the words, you know, and I Speaker 2 couldn't a cult of Little Speaker 1 Dot right Speaker 2 for you. That's got meaning because it's something which you've said and you've, Speaker 1 yeah, that's just how I how I connect to those those davines. And I've large parts of dabbling that I skipped, because I'm just like Speaker 2 to. But that's also people do realize also and it's also important if you do have to connect to the whole thing, Right? You can connect to the brahe. The ends of each chunk, you can connect to one thing. It doesn't have to be all or nothing, like if that's something that's meaningful. Then that's, that's, that's, that's amazing. Speaker 1 Graeme Revell, Aaron Cohn had pointed out, he said, when it comes to diverting like we'd have + 1000, Chuan has two days a year. I mean, if you're downloading I mean just like yeah and he said, you have a good happening. You should come home and make a little. I am like, meaning like, give out. Give out some candies. To the kids and say, yeah, something just happened. You would do that. If you had a big business deal and things close and ideal, oh, I made all this money, whatever you come home and you take their family out to eat. So, yeah, I had a connection to a sham in a very real way. Yes, yes, yeah. So I've done it once or twice, you know, we're giving the kids like a little piece of chocolate. I don't know if they like, you know, it's been a while not that I haven't done. Well, that's really cool to do that as like, you know, no, that's really cool. Yeah, to have those, those moments, those moments. Correct. Of connection and Define what's meaningful. Hey, I thought we were talking to save them. It's what do you are and you said you don't have a favorite Monsanto. You feel like a bad person is so good. Now, that's Speaker 2 I love her Speaker 1 game, right? Speaker 2 I love the atmosphere that they bring and everything, so that was probably count and I love pearls with the little of NSO, our poems, are there. Of course, is that number one and with your guitar. Yes, but I don't know if I have Like a favor I don't, which is sadly, I guess to work on because there's something as their mitts that I'm excited to wake up and do as you say there's there's poem soda. They're smelling the edgehog which I beyond love, they'll be something I'm going to think about. And there are certain to be locked which I really do take on as unidentified Council as a Mitzvah. But I definitely Speaker 1 connect to and you feel like you're I guess connecting to Tequila. There's been stronger now than it was grown up and, or beforehand, or like, or that was always something that you enjoyed. Speaker 2 Yeah, I just, I find it interesting. When like, Philip become relevant, like, they're not just words which you say, like the one you say, before you go to sleep at night, is one of my favorites. And I can say the whole thing to you in English. I just think it's a very powerful thing. You don't anyone to suffer because of, I don't want to suffer because of me and just, I just think, I connect to pray and more, but that's I suddenly I'm going to work on now. But is there like a Mitzvah that I can Speaker 1 meaning? You Speaker 2 don't know. It's really interesting. I didn't think you Speaker 1 could be your thing that's like, you know, that's where. Yeah. But that feel like you, you feel like you, you connect, it doesn't happen like to also, Speaker 2 that's, which means for do connected. What's your favorite mints? Speaker 1 Also? Do, I have like any questions, right? It's a funny question. I could have meaningful people. They have They asked all the time, what you like, but since they met certain sometimes it sounds funny. I think, when, you know, they asked him, I know it's your I think there's a bunch of things that I like to fill in. I just think that's fine. And when I, when I connect to, when I recognize that like here you're taking something that's very gosh. Me you're taking this leather and you're and you're bringing your giving a kedusha and that's like our whole body. Speaker 2 That's what, it's a connection again between mixing together. What's here? And there, Speaker 1 a big one for me. Is is not is to pay people on time. I mean, that's, Speaker 2 that's so funny. I have that I never thought about. I'm like, cocoa about it. Someone's got a job for me. I will pay you straight Speaker 1 away, right? So let's I'm not as good in terms of like kind of people, but with regards to my my company, I like we pay on time that's like something where I'm Fierce about that in terms of in terms of making sure on we've done over 100 payrolls. Wow. Well, that's just something that's really important and make sure that taxes are paid or whatever. So that's that happens to be something that I find to be meaningful. Which is like, you know, the kids a very gosh me. Usually we think of okay, Speaker 2 tell you that was going to say, maybe I'm not thinking of the word Mitzvah the right way. You're making me realize, like the fact that I never would have occurred to me. The fact that like, I literally can't like someone comes in, they fix something in my house and I want to pay them. I wouldn't have thought of that as like a Speaker 1 Mitzvah. Right? So so that is there's a lot and A lot of been learning a lot of rehearse and he's constantly talking about connecting to this world of things and how the other weren't in a different realm. They were, there were here and they keep coming back and they're interacting with people and jakub is working and these are and, and, and I think that that's like a big part of what we're supposed to be doing the tqm That was supposed to be doing so like, yeah. What do you call a Mitzvah? Is it like Speaker 2 only, right? So that's why I'm like, Right. So I think maybe I'm translating the words, Mitzvah not Speaker 1 well, yeah, it's is a point of connection to Hashem in some way. You Speaker 2 know, I also have written down, somewhere that affect the lake, there were so many easy and it's hot and it's only bothers me so much that we like let. So, you know, you always hear before Rosh Hashanah Yom Kippur about the scales and all you just need that one more to way to away and then that's the winner. But I do feel it a lot about the fact that like let's grab and it's something I try to teach my kids. Let's Hold of the easy mix because you've got no idea when that's going to come to your rescue, right? You know. If there's stuff on the table, clear the table. If someone just, I don't know. There's so many easy ones that we can just grab hold of, that are so easy to miss the opportunity that just do. But I love the idea that I can reconfigure my head. Maybe what a Mitzvah Speaker 1 is, Right? Result of a trick. I mean, that's not the kind of flip sides. That people would rather have David and David meaning that they want to check the check. So sometime times, I think there is sometimes this sense of like, oh, I'm just going to, you know, check a box. I'm Speaker 2 like, sometimes which is feeling weird. Speaker 1 And I think that's sometimes what I mentioned before, but like, a bad having the fact that we have in a thousand scone a survey, not everyone has to be, you love Yom Kippur, you know, in there. Speaker 2 But that's also, as you say in life, things are up and down and you, you just because one was bad, doesn't mean the next one will be bad. And you do best and you try and find a snack point of. Speaker 1 Yeah, what could what? Usually happens you finish that damn He knew like like that was terrible. Yeah, this one was good. But you know what happened? Last night I mire of and worm in court today it's like you know, Miss simmons-howe right now. Our yeah. Like but know that moment in time was it was a good thing. I think one thing that I had learned from with, right telepathic, so the rebbe was never into was never into Q if he hated the word q, because Q implies that I'm like your hands. We're on a Continuum. I'm Close to the end and you're, you know, you're just on your way and he said, rather than it being that it's a we're here just to do kind of Miss vote, so can do it by myself or we could do together. So, and you might not have done this, Mitzvah ready, but like it's not a Continuum that I'm, you know, that. But we're all just trying to do one step one more thing, one one extra right in that direction. So Speaker 2 which is very powerful because then it also makes it small small. It doesn't have to be a big as something, which I said it. My first. So that whole day I was was to do with that it was due to the fact that like all these great chefs talk about the fact that it's not that the meal is great. If you do every small bit well then the whole meal will be delicious and how in life and you can take every small bit and if you can try and do every single bit to the best that you can do it. Then all together, things will be amazing, right? And that's a very Speaker 1 powerful and it's the same thing. If you just kind of checking these boxes and you're like, okay, I did that, I did it. That you know, it's like okay so as opposed to like I'm jumping into this and I want to do it at least for today you know. And some tomorrow. Correct. Maybe not you know, like Speaker 2 have to be able but that's also why it's important not to pigeonhole people. Because sometimes you have those good days and sometimes you don't, sometimes you have to say what you don't really connect and sometimes it's the strength to say. I can come back tomorrow and do it different. I come back in an hour and do a different. I don't have to decide that this is who I am forever and ever, just because this is what's happening right now. Speaker 1 Iowa, which is really important. I'm going to throw out another pet peeve that I have. And on what has happened. We have these teens who come to David in a Cupboard with their slides, with their ashore to this that. And sometimes it's like, you know, and thank God. I don't think it happens that much an actual, but it's like, there's kind of like a new and why don't we say thank you for coming. You don't have to be here, meaning? Right recorders of the of the teenagers are not coming to school, this kid. Walk, the shore, thank you for coming. Speaker 2 You know, some people do know some people are much more aware because of how the world is changing to be able to say as opposed to, like I'm judging you for coming to show looking like that, right? My gosh, you go out of bed and you made it here and your hair 100%. You give them a slap on the back and you just get on with it 100%. So it's about seeing it happen. The positive rather than saying, seeing the negative of you. You look like a surfer. Yeah. Like, I'm not Speaker 1 saying it was, I'm plenty judgmental. I mean, yeah. Great about this is I get to like, figure out what words, I want to use and what stories I want. Yeah. But yeah, but that feeling of like, hey, you know, this should be should be great. They tell their story. Once about a, there was a certain Shoe Land, they were a lot of talking going on or whatever, and it was that title has a big problem with the kids, the kids were in and out running and it was sitting around this board meeting and the and they were like, okay what, what do we do about the kids, they're making so much noise and they're gone. Around discussing, and it was an old survivor there. He said, said the kids don't bother me. The sound of the kids. Don't bother me, you know. Oh, that's beautiful. So that's like it. Maybe the older man were talking and she will but it's like, you know, this like beautiful, you know, and we have it. I mean, I don't know if you ever come in her shabbas Monica with Speaker 2 as well because some kids Speaker 1 coming to shore, same just like it's an amazing. Speaker 2 There's also a hard one, nowadays with things are changing so much for I mean, you're coming, but let's also learn to be respectful, right? It's a very and I feel like Nat nowadays. Especially we are Ralph has been he told Danny and I this, it's been so powerful with our clinic and everything. He spoke a lot about giving control because the way that parents have to para nowadays is different of being in Israel and being English, know what we're up bag. No gave us this amazing thing about giving control over two kids which I found bizarre at the age of 15 because it's not what would happen in hotel. Friends always know what would happen when we were growing up and everyone off happened in my home growing up about giving over the control. But saying, do it within this framework within this mascara? So he gave the example of when a kid loves to drive and he said, you're terrified. Hey, they're about to get into a car, but you, I mean, you, you did, he's very responsible. But he says, you know, you say here's a car. And here are your keys. Your, I allow you to drive. I trust you, but you have to wear a seatbelt and you can't drink, and you have to look at the traffic. You have to look at all the rules of the road and then you say I trust you and I'm giving us over to you and it's the balance between the trust that you're giving the child and teaching them from where they've come and what their Miss Garrett is and what they need to do. And it's been so powerful in so many different areas of being able to summon. Do you think we've also about like with kids and not always, like telling them often doing things and saying oh hey is this that me? Cuz he says, when you have a relationship with you A child. There's always wear to come back. If you lose your relationship with your child, there's nothing to come back from. So it's always way up in your head is this something which is big enough that I want to fight this, or is it something where I can say to my child, I give you the control, do it within this Miss Garrett. And therefore it's been a very, very powerful tool for us in so many different areas. And I feel so grateful about difficulties there maybe have happened in life that lead to certain questions will lead to certain knowledge. You end up being able to say, thank you for sharing that that happens. And I feel so stupid for the fuss. I made whilst it was happening because you gave this to me. God. And sometimes we blame people and it wasn't the person. God said, this is what's going to happen now. And really I've learned so much from it, and I'm grateful for the situation. And I'm just so sorry that I blamed this person for it because it wasn't that, this is what God Speaker 1 did you tell me a story where you were in the store? And someone said something? What was that? And you went over and you said you must be having. In a rough day. Oh, really I did. Yeah, that's Speaker 2 sometimes people because you really learn that, sometimes people's reactions, very rarely are people's reactions to do with the comment that you've said. I'm discovering again. And again, again, it's to do with something else that's happening in their life, right? So do with that, how these labs are what their family or what, their anything, it's not to do with what you said, when they're busy being Speaker 1 horrible, sometimes sometimes it is what you said because Speaker 2 if what he said, Speaker 1 which words you choose. But yes, Speaker 2 very often. It's Actually to do with what's happening, it's doing something else, right? Sir, Speaker 1 they definitely. And so I on that, how do you talk about - people? I mean, they're, you know, we talked a lot about how we have this, you know, we'd love to bring more positivity. How do you what are you doing? You know, there's some people who are just whatever happens. There's cynical that biting. And yeah, and it's just like, Speaker 2 it sounds like that's people's personality, you did. And you don't want to be with them. This is all saying the Speaker 1 hadees. Sure. But but they're also and they said behind you and sure they said next to you or that, I'm not talking about Speaker 2 people. Yeah. Speaker 1 But but what do you do about those? You know, like Speaker 2 you either personally. I either choose you I see a choice. Ingest that water off a duck's back. It's what? My older sisters taught me about having teenagers. You have to have to be water off a duck's back where you end up so intense and so annoying. So - people it's taken a long time because I'm sure we all Have like people in our Lives who are like that to just be able to say you want to go be like that. You could go be like that. I can't have that in my life, right? I can't see want to be - Who you gonna be - who by Speaker 1 yourself and family member is. What do you do when Speaker 2 you have? There you go. It's it's the same thing. I love you dearly for who you are and everyone goes through challenges and you want to be like that right now. I can't be with you, it's worth something. We we try and teach the kids. If right now you are in this mood, no one wants to be with you. so please just go upstairs, I love you dearly but you this is not Glow and chill out with water, but what's important also? It's okay. But on an outer feel, crossover, allowed to feel - you're allowed just try not to let it seep out into your surroundings. Like oh gosh. Just go do it quietly. Right. It was something all I'm saying is I can be a - poo. Speaker 1 I don't believe that. But Speaker 2 you know. No definitely and then you just Speaker 1 can't. Yeah, it's other people. You have to surround yourself with positivity. I mean, i-i've I have sir When people that I like to try and keep a distance from because I'm like, I just don't I don't I don't want to be around that and cynicism and I'm just Speaker 2 like going to end up changing you, which is why it's so powerful to realize the power of being positive, or being yourself. All what we give over is what we teach like. It's such an, it's such an amazing. Such an amazing thing. Speaker 1 Yeah. So one thing I wanted to ask what something that people don't know about you, that you wish that they did. Oh interesting, Speaker 2 I've no such an interesting person. Speaker 1 It's really unfair. It's amazing that you see that and there's a reason why I asked to have this conversation with you because that you fact that you don't see that you're an interesting Speaker 2 person. Oh, I guess something interesting. I guess it's interesting that I left school at 16 and I have like supportive parents who like allowed me to do that. I think it's why I see forever so important and that I'm not like whatever the word is, that's why I can be a strong person, something interesting about me. I like eating things together, as you know, if you've got like one food at night or something with it, you got Burgers. You have to have chips. I can't just have a burger by itself, just let's just very much a side point. Something interesting. I don't know, I don't believe. I'm like I used to work with special needs kids, who maybe, maybe, that's interesting. And I really miss it. Where were you doing with them? I talked for many years after I left school. Oh yeah, yeah, Speaker 1 it's funny. It's funny how I know some other people who have left school and come back to be here. Teachers you know like that's also like Speaker 2 it's okay that is with never thought of that. Yeah Speaker 1 it's like you know I was not successful in this program back to strengthen it Speaker 2 because it's funny. I never thought of Speaker 1 that that kind of that kind of impact Speaker 2 desperate to think of something interesting, though. I love people, I think people are amazing. I know not everyone loves people and I think people are just amazing. Maybe that I just think people are amazing. Speaker 1 Love hearing their stories and interacting and Speaker 2 just think the people's strengths that people have and the things that people do and the way that what people bring to the world and I don't know, I just think people are just amazing. That would be definitely that it God's angels down on here. Speaker 1 So sometimes I'm more negative than others but Speaker 2 they could, they could, they could stay further over there saying I'm saying we don't have anything about me that I would say. Right. It's not like secret. I have no multi colored hair or Speaker 1 like, right? Speaker 2 I don't know. But now it's really sound like such a boring old fault. I used to have a teapot handbag. What? Exactly they go. That was interesting, was a handbag and it was a shape of a teapot. And that's how people knew Speaker 1 me a teapot. Okay. Speaker 2 Okay. I was like known as like the person with the teapot handbag and I loved and that's where a lot of positivity because you see someone with a teapot hand but I don't negotiate that people have a so sometimes like, which was fun and a my wedding, they bought lots. And they put flowers in them. That was like a fan. Speaker 1 Okay. I think we're going to start wrapping up. Yeah. I guess is they're, they're, they're a message that if you, you know, someone's going through a hard time, someone who is someone, who they themselves, find that they're negative. It's a message that you give to people. Speaker 2 Someone is going through a hard time. I desperately desperately want people to know that this is what I had a terrible analogy. I don't think he liked it but I'll say it about someone who's in hospital and they're connected to like a life-support machine and you hear that UPS you see that ups and the downs and you hear the beeps and when I fortunately passed on what will what what do you see? Just a straight flat line. Life has its ups and downs and you have to grab hold of your faith and your hope wherever works for you. And you have to just carry on because things do get better. I promise that things get better and it might not be the next day and it might take time, but don't ever give up and whether that's because you have faith that hope and I don't know how people get through things without Faith and Hope and I don't know. Just keep on going because it will get better and it will get easier. And I feel like sometimes especially With the world that we live in now. People should just hold on and people should have Faith and Hope and just don't give up on things and try and find the things that make you calm and try and find that things that bring you Joy and I know you people can't do them when they're feeling really, really low. I know, because you can't even make yourself, do those things that bring you Joy but at some point you'll get back there. So somehow sit it out and somehow keep hold of your Faith and Hope and know that things will get better and I just think that is I just people need to do that because God put you here and you're needed in the world. Have that this is where you should be City out. No, they're not everyone. It's going to be amazing. Know that life is up and down and if you're on a down it's going to go back up and that's how it goes and decide. Now, when you're living your regular life, please God who you want to be Because that is when you can make yourself be that person. So I know in a more difficult situation, you can charge into that person because you can't suddenly decide who you are. You can't decide to swim when the waves are crashing over you. So figure out who you are, what you want to bring to the world and how you even, it's not important what people think, but it also is because that's what you bring to the world and decide who their is. So that that's who you can be to the world and to yourself, be able to wake up in the morning. Look at yourself and say. This is who I am. I am proud to show myself to people. I am proud to be me and what whether that's wearing purple tights, and you're proud to be you. Whether that's the job you're doing, or who you'll being in the streets streets, or how you're praying, it doesn't actually matter, but feel proud to wake up in the morning. And to show people who you are and to step out your front door and make the world a better place and know that things get better. I don't know. I think that that's what's really important. And for people who were raising children and who are around, people is the stop and think and take a deep breath about. If something is relevant to say, is it not relevant to say when we're surrounded by other people? What we can bring to them and what they can bring to us, what can I learn from them? What should I be giving? I mean I was such a huge nerd before I go out for like shut up. If I go out for meals overshadows you want people to feel cared for? I try and think up topics about what? One's going through what happened? I asked them recently. They have siblings who have been through something recently, house their job going because people shall feel cared for know who you are. Stand strong and bring that to the Speaker 1 world. That's very powerful. Thank you, thanks. Mommy. That was fun, actually. Yeah, I powerful and amazing and a lot of a lot of things to to digest and to think about and to quote Speaker 2 about them, it's fault thing. Isn't that Speaker 1 weird? Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm a little bit traumatized by it and Speaker 1 have to redefine listening 613 out of that about 400 them. Speaker 2 So really I feel the pressure of like candle lighting and color should be my thing but to just add a small story about candle-lighting. I'll never forget the one Shabbos us, like, I'm really going to connect to it and I'm standing there and then one of my kids around in Kathy's pull down his trousers and his peace. In the middle of the road or all the people who are going to show them. I'm like thank you Hashem for Shabbos and sometimes you want to connect a certain, it's for and it doesn't. But someone gave me this beautiful beautiful thing and why I liked about it, it wasn't it. Sometimes a lot of women, it's water connected to high school lat. If you do this, and this happens, and I don't, I don't really a connector with schoolers, but someone gave me this whole thing about making holiday that was awkward about spirituality when you do this, think about this. So affect how you think? Ink and it puts it affects your mindset and it affects how you do things, which is everything like everything's mindset everything. I'm so sorry for people who don't believe that it's hard bloody work, it's mindset, you want to be healthy and eat an apple it takes longer than eating a biscuit. It's hard. And it's mine said, it takes effort. So I think that lots of the women mit's faults are sort of I just, I find them more to do with school up, then anything else and I need to redefine for myself. So, the point is that she gave me this thing about Hannah, that made it about my mindset. So I started connecting with making Harlem, or when I do make her, but I'm going to think about the Mitzvah thing Speaker 1 hugely, because I'm really a bit traumatized about that have that back on next time. Speaker 2 Right? Because it doesn't work out. We work what I connect to because it's a terrible answer that I connect to the easy Speaker 1 ones, why? Not just, just Speaker 2 what you grab, hope. That's why Speaker 1 there's a difference. You're not saying I grabbing easy ones because they're easy. I'm grandma, no meaning, you're grabbing them because they're easy, but if not because I want the easy way out, is it Speaker 2 wrong things? What we open the mnemonic, I think next to us with the food, they wanted there to be codes and to call someone and I said to them, with all due respect, no one's going to come, people will do easy, it's votes. If people could just come in, put their food, they're there then all this food will go to other people. If you're going to ask people to call me at 2:00 in the morning, open it. What do I have to do? No one's going to come, right? So I'm happy to say that I won that battle and there's always open and people can drop the foods in a people to it. People who Speaker 1 are amazing. Oh yeah, Speaker 2 it means tell oh because honey is amazing and she runs Speaker 1 the whole crazy amazing things. I have to find them. Yeah, Speaker 2 thanks Mommy. Thank you. Thank you. That was actually much more fun than I thought it was going to be. I was really nervous. I didn't know what it was going to Speaker 1 be really powerful and Speaker 2 okay if it can help someone, thanks. Speaker 1 Thank you. After we completed the recording, she had a number of comments that she wanted to make based on our conversation. Speaker 2 With thanks to rob me if who helped him asking, excellent questions of putting this all together and it also helped me to realize that I can add some things on of certain questions, which I had more thoughts about when I was once I stepped away. So for example, I made a bit of a hash if that's the right word of the question about my favorite mitzvahed and that really upset me and I wanted to just come back to that question. So for example, the like, Magic of Hanukkah. I just think is fabulous. I love seeing the house all lit up and I think it comes with an amazing spirit. I always find it fascinating how quickly eight days ago and maybe during the rest of the year. When we're not counting days, they just you can't tell really what eight days is in Canada. It's like I'm not going to say it's already been 3 days, 14 days. So I'd be on that. That I actually realize that I love most of the hugging, once, once we're like in them, especially now that feeling of sitting So car with family or friends or just being surrounded by so-called I just absolutely love eating them up the mat sit together with everyone so I guess there's not a specific hag but I do love the feeling that all the hugging bring really really do. Then there were other questions which were maybe not necessarily important questions, which I really thought about afterwards. And rummy was asking all about things that people wouldn't know about me. So for example, how I love buying serviette, napkins and shoes, and I'm a very curious person, and I love stories and music and, and go to the theater, Speaker 1 live music. Hey. I do, yeah. Now I'm not Speaker 2 getting too tired again. I always really wanted to point out that there's a very special character trait that Romney holds of being able to find joy in his life and he should be blessed. Always to never have to be in a situation where he has to learn about that. Joy, you Speaker 1 should always be able to serve Speaker 2 Hashem with with, with his joy and with his music and be able to tap into this specific happiness that some people have to go through difficult situations in order to realize how blessed and fortunate. And happy day off. And happy day off.