Episode 091: The Matrix & big feelings

This podcast is brought to you by Guardian Growing Mines, a social enterprise that aims to give all children the best opportunity to reach their potential and succeed in living rich and meaningful lives. Episode 91 in the Cannes, Dr. Billy Garvey, the Matrix and Big Feelings, what are people going to learn this week? Well, yeah, a lot of this is about us. We had a lot of examples of practical strategies where you talk about some of them that happened today. But really, talking about a really important component of how we support the emotional development of our kids and some practical steps, hopefully, of what the theory and evidence shows. Billy, in memory, this is one of the most practical ones for both our kids, but for adults to actually listen to as well and take a bit out of it. That was my takeaway. I was like, God, I'm really going to learn this first for myself, try and apply it, recognize all this stuff, and then work through the kids as well, because I need the support. But it's really good and who doesn't love the Matrix, let's be honest, it's one of our great exports. Thanks very much, Dr. Billy Garvey, enjoy the episode, guys, and make sure you send your questions through to pop culture parenting at Gmail, trying to avoid the Instagram inbox, a bit flood at the moment. But the Gmail is the best one, feel-on-questions and tips and reflections. Of course, those as well. We love those. Awesome, guys, enjoy. Hi, I'm Billy, a developmental pediatrician, and I'm Nick, a developing parent. We're going to use Sains for more iconic movies to talk about how we best support our kids. This is called Contriparity. Hey, don't let your mother smile at you and your breast will take that on me. I don't want to see you again for the rest of my whole life. I didn't want to see anybody else like you. Where's your daddy, and what does he do? Good morning, Dr. Billy Garvey, how are you? Good, mate. Good. I'm already bright in my morning. I've been here 15 minutes. Oh, god. This has been a chuckle to the start. This is a bit of fun. How are you? Honestly, much better now. Like I always am. Any act to be 100% honest anytime I get to see you and spend time with you. But yeah, rough, rough start to this morning. Not a good start, huh? No, no, no, no. Analysts on Nightshoof, which ironically is much easier for us because she actually finishes when she's met two. Still knows 12 hours of shoes, but comes home after everything has been kicked off for the day. But she gets spent time with the kids in the evening, which she wakes up, which is amazing, because that's been great. The problem is, the mornings are all on me. I don't like that seat. And I'm not a morning person or an evening person. Oh, give me the morning, actually. Yeah, you're morning. Yeah, morning. Because you know, if you're on the good thing about the morning is you've also got an end date. It's like school, it's not a clock. Yes. So you've just worked towards a goal where bedtime's a pretty open end of little time frame. So what is bedtime? It's not like you go well. 730 bedtime and the job is done. It's 730's the goal and quarter past eight is, you know, probably the median. And then, you know, this is a lot of breadth, the other end as well. Totally. And I, yeah, I'm living proof of that. I was working on this bad boy to 1am. I think at 2am, Charlie started crying. And we were trying to get him back in the room with Evie to Andrew in place. And he's, nobody starts crying. He got to pull him out. So we're working on some of the stuff we'll talk about today with him. Oh, good. And then, yeah, so he's in with me. It got to get the kids up at 6am. And we don't have the amazing personal looks after them on the day we record those days. So to the drop off. But just, I'll use it actually for demonstrating some of the things we're going to talk about today, Basham. Fantastic. Lots of big feelings from Evie. Big feelings from me really stressed. One of the boys is supposedly hitting her and snatching and doing all this stuff. And, you know, melting down, not wanting to go. Use some strategies, which we'll talk about. Who would get them there, but then awful, awful drop off. Charlie's losing his mind. The moment he realizes I'm walking away. And then drop Evie off and she's just begging me not to go. And you're like, I don't know what you're like in that situation. But I'm like, I'm quitting. It's the worst. You get back and then like, you do that at, you know, 10 to 9 and then you've got a meeting at 9 o'clock. And you get on the meeting and everyone's like, how's everything? You're like, yeah, this is good, this is good. Yeah. It's just like, I'm still recovering and I'm traumatised. But yeah, I'll just crack on with my day and try and ignore that like absolute spark of adrenaline. Yeah, well, we're going to talk about some stuff that we can do that's more helpful for that. Because I want to do a really practical one. There's a moral development stuff. It was amazing. So I think it's very around it. I've enjoyed that one. But yeah, we should do, we'll do agrisies and windows very quickly. A couple of announcements. Good. The YouTube has become even better now. The amazing guys at Ivy Street have started cutting the questions. I saw that. Yeah, yeah. Cutting the questions. So obviously not as valuable as all the jokes we tell and things like that. Do I make the. You're right, I'm beautiful. It's Billy. You can give a lot of amazing answers as well. You give a lot of amazing answers as well. And so yeah, if you're looking like, I don't have time to listen to the whole thing. Or I want to go back to some questions. They sit on YouTube now where you can look in the three-minute answer or seven-minute answers there. Which is phenomenal because the Ivy Street guys came up with that idea. And the AV1 guys have been cutting it. But AV1 have now grown stronger. And the amazing Kai and Abby, now who are amazing video content creators, have now got a company called All Things All Creatures. Or All Creatures All Things that check out both of them. And. Oh, and Abby, yep. Yeah, but it's really cool because they were a big part of us elevating to like now. We've got a bigger presence, we're on TikTok. Bigger presence? Yeah. Bigger presence. Yeah, yeah. 101,000 followers. Yeah. Yeah, so it's cool because every time we get a kick we see new people coming in. And one of the things which are relevant today that I struggle with which we don't focus on too much. I'll try not to focus on me the whole episode is when you people come in and say on TikTok, there's often people that aren't kind of used to the style and how supportive and gentle all the whole communities of each other. And I struggle a little bit emotionally with that when someone says I'm a forensic police officer. And you know the story about like the mum who's telling the bear the secret at bedtime? Remember that? Like about how great the kids are and what they did today. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. I'm a forensic police officer telling secrets to kids is a really bad thing. And you shouldn't do that. And I was like, cool delete. I just have no time for it. I went through it. I went through it. I spent an hour going to, oh, not a minute now, I'm going through all the comments. Last sort of couple of months on across all of the socials last night. Yeah, amazing stuff isn't amazing stuff in there. But anyone who comes in hostile, especially towards something someone else has said, it's just, yeah, yeah, because I don't have time. Like I literally read everything people send. And it's amazing to see all the phenomenal stuff. There's some stuff that's not appropriate to say on here. But some people that are going through hard stuff that hopefully you and I will never experience. And saying the podcast is helpful and that is particularly meaningful. I'll tell you about it off air. But particularly meaningful when people who are in an awful, awful experience are finding that this is a helpful guide. So thank you for taking the time to share that with us. So, yeah, go answer those platforms now. Grizzly, what are you going to start with? Flag, Grizz Welp. I'll start. So last episode. Yeah, so Grizzly. Yeah, Grizz Welp, sorry. Hey. Don't let your mother smell that beer and your breath. She'll take it on me. I haven't given you this full lap date. You've got a partial. Okay. Because it'll happen yesterday. So, last time I was in here, my Grizzly Welp was given to my partner, Henrietta, who had been in for a second attempt to get vaccinations. Fluid vaccinations are one of my daughters. One of my daughters goes and gets jabbed, no worries. And then one of them struggles to get it done. Oh my go, go, go. Mum has two cracks at doing it. I'm like, I've got this. Yeah, I'll move. That's in the book. I've got the chapter on. The chapter on. Dad's telling you how to do that. So dad, this guy goes, yeah, it's fine. I'll do it. So thinking about the plan around it. Because, you know, he said two failed attempts. Mum tried to do it. Yeah, just distressed. Really distressed. Yeah, he hardly distressed. Doesn't like it. Yeah, it doesn't like getting an injection. I mean, who does when they're at that age? And we're trying to do softly. We're trying to be, you know, proper and good in all sorts of things. And gentle. So dad steps in to solve the problem. And I thought I'd start by introducing pressure into the situation, Billy. Oh my gosh. I'm missing really. Is that in the book that one? I didn't see it. It's the 11th chapter. One and a half times. I didn't make it. Right. Because it turns out introducing pressure into a situation doesn't help either. My pressure was, if you don't get this, we're not going to go away for the weekend. And we would all pack the car. I went down with a fully loaded car ready to go. And I said, "You've just got to get it before we go." Because I spoke to the. It's kind of funny, but it's nice. I spoke to a local tourism board. And I said, "You can't come without the injection." Oh, they're really supporting vaccinations. Oh my god. Anyway, so go in. So you're obviously you're feeling desperate. Desperate. I mean, we've done. I was kind of like. We really tried it. We tried. We tried gentle explaining. We've done modeling. We've been injecting the fluffy toys. We've been talking about the importance of those around us who get sick. We talked about everything and setting it up and talking about it, getting there, spending 45 minutes for the first two occasions and not getting anywhere and then just leaving too stressful. I go in and I went in there and I gave it half an hour, 40 minutes of trying to get it across the line. I didn't want to grab her and hold her down and do that sort of thing. And so, yeah, like all this stuff aside, we tried everything and said, "Well, you know, we're kind of at the point we've got to get it done anyway." I didn't work out. Left, we ended up going away. I sort of said, "I don't know what I said, felt bad, but felt horrible." And it was a terrible situation. Anyway, I went yesterday to get it done and got it done. We got it done in the end. I ended up holding her to get it done. And that was. It was actually when I, as I picked her up, she didn't want to be held to get it done. We got it done. And the injection went in and out and we told her it's done. And she just went into, like, rapturous laughter and everything after. She was highly upset as I grabbed her. She's like, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." I said, "We've got to get it done." This is four times. This is the fourth time we've been into doing this. We got it done. But she's like, "What?" Ah, ah, and she was the relief on her face. After it was done, three tears, we want to. She was horrible. But she was then so proud of herself when we were like. Amazing. And every year we've done, we've been doing every year and we've had all the aims and everyone else and, you know, all that sort of stuff. But she was like, "Oh, that was great. I've got it done." And she bandaid a little bit of blood. Proud as hell. That's terrible. It was terrible. Terrible. But potentially worse if you were going fifth. Exactly. So I got to that point where I was like, made the call to go. Amazing, mate. This is it. Anyway, it was horrible for attempts. But she was so brave and great after it. Yeah. It seems to be the thing you build up in your head is going to be the worst thing on earth. And it's the jabs these days. I don't know. We always did the whole hearts of soft needle. Soft needle this time. In an incredible nurse who we love. So did a local GP. Anyway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing, mate. Sorry. It's, no, no. It's actually really relevant to what we're going to talk about. And we'll talk about how we can get stuck in some of the two, three-time stuff. Ah. And she did really well to break that cycle because it's really tough, because there's a lot of pressure on you. So we'll go deeply into that. Film. You got to, I'll give my grizzly. Yeah, I've got no wings. My grizzly is really relevant. So on the weekends at the moment, I'm always just sleeping because she's on night shift. And I'd kind of been really, once again, over confident. I was like, sweet a whole day. Just me and the kids. And so I'd been, you know, having a nice morning with them. I'd gone for a run while the analysis was winding down with melfy and all that stuff. But I'm feeling really good. And I kind of did some chores and was going well. But there was a little bit of like resistance to maybe. She was like, testing me a bit because she kind of probably sensed. I've got a whole day this guy. It's finally made sure of me. Yeah, like to make sure about balances, right? So, and you know, just that, that resistance of like taking a bit of time to get in the car seat. And like, you know, bouncing around the car. And like, you kind of, and I'm pretty good in that zone. And I was really good. Because actually, I accidentally did well because I took Charlie onto the other side of the car because I was sitting in traffic, like standing in traffic, trying to convince her. So I was like, all right, cool. I closed the door and went around the other side. And she thought I was going to put Charlie into her seat. So she's like, okay, okay. And I was like, great, great, thanks, Evie. That's what I thought. But it was accidental. Anyway, cut to like that afternoon. I'm like, we're going swimming. Ooh, two kids swimming. Yeah, yeah. It was great ones I got there. Yeah, one on that one. The, the good one. The good one. The good one. Okay. Yep. The good one. We're pointing to Paul's head like, cut Paul's neary. Okay. The good one. And, um, so, it analyzes a sleep. And I've got all the stuff ready. I'm like, this is smooth. She's doing the same thing. She's like, not coming to me and being mentally and playful. But not like, I step her leg into the outfit and she steps it out. Like, do you know what I mean? And I'm just like, all right. So my eyes is beautiful. Pretty big week. So I'm just like, you know, what's has happened. And, um, and I got to the point where I was like, that's all right, Evie. I'm going to come back to you. I'm going to change Charlie. And I took him to change his nappy. And she's like, no, no, no, change me now. Change me now. I was like, it's okay. I'm going to change you. I'm just going to change Charlie now because he's ready now. And you weren't ready. Like, this is how I'm saying it. And I wasn't angry at her. I think I was just like, got to pull myself away, which is another strategy we'll talk about. Yeah. As I'm changing Charlie, I've got him on there, like nappy off. Like, he's capable of just diving off there now. And he's at that stage, which will also come up in terms of development. And we're going to talk about hysterical. Evie goes to like a thousand. Like, I'm talking like, why? And I've never seen her this distressed because she just was trying to like, she's just trying every technique she had to get me to come back and change her and not do Charlie first. But I was a bit stuck as I was like, I have to finish changing him now. And also, the problem was I couldn't give her the support she needed for this like two-minute window. And I also, you know, the mistake I made. Like, you won't be surprised to hear. Guess the mistake I made. Shouting hysterical. I can't remember. You're okay. I didn't, I never silly enough to say calm down or it's okay. I was like, mum, he's trying to sleep. Oh, yeah. How do you not? How do you not? I made everything with a three-year-old. She said it. Yeah, totally. But I was so stressed that I was like half-naked baby on the change table. Three-year-old really struggling. Who I want to help. And I want to go towards. Like, which is really important. We should always go towards them. I want to go towards. I'm going to be gentle because if I go towards her too much, she runs. So, after I did the while I'm changing, mum, she's trying to sleep and she just went even higher. I then tried to go towards her and she ran and she ran to the bedroom door and just started banging on it. And like, I'm talking like Banshee. Just, I'm like the neighbors are hearing this. And of course, and all these comes out. She's amazing. She's like, a three-hour sleep becomes out. And like, just cuddles her and comes her and sits with her and everything. And then everything's fine. And we go after the pool. And every cell amazing, they're driving back from the pool. I could have this amazing time at the pool and it was really cool. And besides, like, bloody boys. I was always pushing in front of her on top of that water slide thing. I was funny, I was up at the top with a granddad. And it's obviously like his first day looking after his granddaughter. And because you don't need to go up there with them. Like, they can do it all themselves. But all the little boys just cut past the girls. And he's like, oh, mate, what is this about? Every second boy just pushes past them. He's got a little girl as well. And he's like, I got to stand up here. Because she just never gets a turn. And I was like, yeah, tell me about it. That's why I'm up here as well. No, I was a parent in such. Like, you're just standing there on your own, kind of going on. Hey, Mace, she was here before you. And then they step back. And then they're fine. They're fine. They're fine. And you talked about this beautiful the other day. Not the segue completely. You're like, you just got to be in there. You got to be in there. Yeah, you got to be in there. And you're like, I'd love to be standing on the side having to be. I'd love to be drinking wine. Yeah, but you got to be in there to help you sometimes. Anyway, so Evie on the drive back, I was like, I'm really sorry that I couldn't help you. And she's like, I'm sorry, Daddy. And just like, talked about it. I was like, you don't have to be sorry. She's curious. Yeah. Well, yeah, I was like, thank you. Yes. No, of course not. Like, you were upset. You're allowed to be upset. That's what you're going to talk about. So that was mine. I obviously got this morning as well. And probably three in between. It's got more like a point out, but it's been an hour or two together last Saturday. This is not important, though. That's true. That was beautiful, though. That was really nice. It was one of my sanctuaries of the week, actually. We had an open house on Saturday morning. We had people. We had three families coming and going. We had about a four hour period, just cycling through. Yeah. Which isn't probably no surprise. I think we're listening to her here. The next house is an open door that gets you as well. Yeah, it was busy. Yeah, beautiful. Okay, now, Wednesday. Don't have one. You go. Okay. I don't object to fun. I love fun. In fact, I'm the grand funk master of fun. We should have canned laughter. After we tell jokes. We'd need it. So mine is, and I'm saying this purposely, I'm really starting to connect with Charlie. Yeah. And people might be like, well, you should be. Because he's one. It's 12 and a half months. Yeah. But I'm really in his own house. Someone else. Someone I was on a podcast yesterday. I was so trying because of it. So I don't want to ruin it. But I was like, I just adore Evie more than anything else in the world. And they're like more than your son. And I was like, well, yeah, actually, like, and I don't know what it was like for you. I talked about this with Evie, and I should talk about it with Charlie. I didn't instantly connect to Charlie. He's a beautiful baby. And he's got a silly haircut. And all that stuff. And I enjoy him. And he's got a gorgeous temperament. He is like the most beautiful baby I've ever met in my life. He just sleeps anywhere and is happy anyway. Except for his own room, through the night. So he and Evie's friends are like that. But he's beautiful. But I'm starting to really connect to him. And there's a reason for that. It's because his temperament is starting to show. You know that it kind of towards the end of the first year. Like that happens. And so I get to see his character and his personality. He's mobilizing a lot more and all that stuff. So it's been actually really beautiful because it's. And I have to balance it because I've got to make sure that I don't, you know, impact sibling relationships and all that stuff and share it with them. And we talked about that ages ago on Legend of the Fall. But it's, yeah, it's really beautiful. So that's my. It was really interesting. Because what I was thinking about, I was like, the book or something like that, but I'm like, no, this is actually a thing that matters. Yeah. Since you say that to balance it, I probably didn't balance it until recently. So I was the youngest of the five kids. So like the youngest daughter Veronica just gets like a lot of my attention. Probably way more than my oldest daughter, Winifred. And I've actually started rebalancing it. And I've seen a huge improvement with just general behavior and emotions with my oldest. Because it's incredibly bonded with my little one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there you are. So, you know why that is? Well, I did, my mum was sick at the time. Yeah, and she was born instead of being part of it. It was locked down. And so I had a. I did all the feeding, not all, but most of the feeding. Where the first one did all the exclusive breastfeeding with mum. I did exclusive bottle feeding with the next one. I think it's part of it, but also I see the youngest child, you know, which I was. And so I probably relate to it. And I was pretty spoiled as a youngest sort of, you know, like the baby. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally. I was just remembering back. I was like, pretty sure I had it for 20 minutes in those first few days. I looked after her and you know, it's quality of a quantity. What I didn't know is 20 minutes. And she's in men's eye. I don't need that 20 minutes till I looked after it while you guys ran off of it. I look identical. Yeah, I thought you meant me. I was like, he was like, it's still bad. You. Still bad. Yeah. But yeah, totally. But it's what you're talking about. And I have a much easier time connecting with the vet than Annalise does. Because Annalise is so calm. She's like, jolly. Whereas I've got this like just tiny version of me being hysterical over like not getting changed first. And I'm like, yeah, I can write to that. Yeah. So yeah. So I have to make more effort. Yeah. So it's to be purposeful with it because a lot of families are meeting clinic. The kid who's struggling, it's often because our dad and dad and his sister are really close. It's made a huge difference. Like I've seen improvement that I was like, I hadn't realised how much I could impact that kid's temperament. Yeah. I mean, mate, you are so amazing. I think yesterday you sent me like your cheat, cheat moving forward. I did. Yeah. I've read the book. And I've also listened to it as well. I've listened and read it. I love it. Yeah. And as you are so good, like the book or regardless, you've got like a plan that you've written down. Yeah. I took the notes. Yeah. And I've made a really practical for me. So I've sent them to you as examples. Yeah. Because I think that like, I just need to some rehearsed sentences to go through in my mind when it starts to go south. Yeah. And we'll talk about that today, the different stuff. Brilliant. You should publish that plan. It's probably more valuable than the book. I've been sending it to my mates. I've been like, hey, books available. By the way, I've done a quick chechette. And that's like, buddy, ten lines for the two chapters on self-stemming emotions. And I'm like, oh, because I wouldn't say that in the moment. It's the basics. It's so basic. Yeah. But we're really handy. Yeah, we're going to get some of that. But it's, yeah, it's funny because it's one of your many superpowers. It's like, how do you translate all this stuff into practical strategies? I think this is the podcast, it's the best thing I do. Now, obviously, professionally missed, hopefully being a partner in a dad. Yeah, they're good. Possibly honest. Cool. Okay. Now, we haven't well obviously an answer in the intro, which will come before all of this. But movie topic, movie and topic. The Matrix. The Matrix. Big feelings. Yes. Love it. Yeah. So. What did you think? Yeah, to be honest, it took me right back. I don't know if you have, there's a couple of movies of the like this for me, but it took me right back to the cinemas. I don't know if I saw it in cinemas too long. Really? No, indeed. 99. I'm trying to think what else is a big movie like you. I don't know. Continually watching the Titanic. I think I wish I had better. No, no. I can't remember that. I can't remember what years films come in. Yeah. So do I remember that was 99 because I was in year 12. Yeah. Yeah. But it didn't actually flick out, by the way. Yeah. It's manually. Oh, really? It wasn't. Yeah. Okay. And yeah, so can you, yeah, how did the movie make you feel like? What did you, especially on the rewatch? Well, especially on the rewatch. If you haven't watched it, it's all about AI. And that's what struck me first. I was like, oh, yeah, this is really, this is more important today than 25 years ago. 25 years ago, I was like, oh, yeah, we know that is like. Right. You can. Yeah, exactly. It'll be robots and stuff. Well, it's not that. It's now web browsers and everywhere in your workplace and in your mailbox and in your email box. Yeah, that's sort of thing like it's much more prevalent. And you're like, yeah, I thought that was really interesting. I hadn't watched it in years. But since probably the last time I watched it, I lived in Sydney, where it's all filmed. So I loved that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the visuals, the scene we've picked is in Sydney. I can clue what you might know now. Yeah, I'd spent four years living in Sydney. I'd essentially going over where you are now. Four years living in Sydney and, um, yeah, it's bloody Sydney. It's which makes it even cooler. So that was nice. Keanu just does an age, which is cool. It's amazing. And what does it tell me about, like, why do you think, tell me more about the AI and the relevance today? Well, it's just why. Yeah, outside of like the technical aspect of it, why do we worry about AI? No, we're worried they're going to take over and put us in towers and coaxing. Possibly. What might be, what might happen and is happening in our lifetime? Because of our kids are going to be using the AI. Well, what are they? What are they doing now? I don't know. And we're doing it lots. Um, don't know. It's like on computers. Yeah, we're on phones. Yeah, and we're not really interacting with the world as much. Yes. Yeah. So the matrix is based on a concept that Plato used to talk about. This is really a long time ago. Go for it. Yeah, it's called Plato's cave. And Plato's cave analogy is that a prisoner is chained facing the back wall of the cave. And there's a fire behind him. And his total interpretation of the world is the shadows that are cast on the wall. He has a really superficial shallow interpretation of the world. Now, what Plato's argument was is that we need to unchain ourselves and go leave the cave. Now, that's what happens in the matrix is that he's in this false world. A superficial shallow world where he's not really experiencing the real world. And then because he takes the pill, he leaves it. And he has a choice and he leaves the cave and goes into the real world. Now, in the superficial world, like lots of us, during the day, because we hear he lives two lives. Smith says that to him. He lives the day of his cubicle. It's pure innocent. No relationships. You don't see any part of him do he? It's just he's wearing a suit. He's in an awful cubicle space. And then at night, he's neo. And he's searching for something. And a lot of us are searching for something. Aren't we? What are we searching for? What are you actually searching for in your life? In life. Yeah, but you probably don't think about it as enlightenment. But you're probably trying to become the best person you are. Have the most deep and meaningful connections you have. Also control your emotions. Because that's how a lot of that is achieved. We're going to step through that. But is this beautiful thing that what we see is that when neo leaves the matrix, and there's a bit of like a Christ analogy there that is reference to, or an Alice in Wonderland analogy that's reference to, where he goes on this hero's journey. He leaves the typical boring life, overcomes a challenge. He has a mentor that guides him in Morpheus. And that's a really beautiful relationship in this movie. Because Morpheus, like unconditionally, loves support and believes in neo, doesn't he? 100%. Yeah, so this is beautiful thing. And often this is what we need to do for the kids that we're guiding through big feelings, and to find who they are, and their purpose and meaning in enlightenment, is be Morpheus. That's not all we're going to talk about, but it's this beautiful character relationship and pair bonding that we see. There's also like Trinity and the love and all that stuff and the love that saves him at the end of this movie. But there's something really beautiful about we see neo in the matrix when all of the external, superficial noise is removed. He finds purpose, connection, and love. And that's actually the beautiful thing about the matrix. It's also this phenomenal visual movie, like the martial arts aspect of it or out of this world. Like it's this really cool. Like it brought kind of a lot of Asian martial arts and anime and things like that into it. And we saw the way that they cut us and framed it was beautiful. But that's what we see in this movie. Now, how does he achieve it? Takes a leap of faith. Yeah, but he fails it first, doesn't he? Why does the movie do that? Why does he fail? Why didn't they make him make the jump? We've just seen him spar with Morpheus and be amazing. Everyone fails the jump the first time. Yeah, but it makes him human. If he doesn't fail that jump, it's harder to believe at the end of this movie that he reaches enlightenment. Now, what does. How does he do it? Think about practically in a movie. How does the team or how does the real world and the people that support him get him better? They train him up. Yeah, yeah. Oh, they give him like a very sparring program and like light stuff. So not real world. They push him out of the real world. They give him like a fake world to sandbox. Yeah, so they do train him, but we don't want to train kids. Give him opportunities to get better. Yeah, so they give him skill development or the highest level of learning. We talked about back on. God, what movie was it? Where we talked about classical conditioning, operating conditioning, social learning, theory and cognitive development. And what they do in the matrix is they give him cognitive development. So they go to the highest level of learning. Now they upload it to him. But what we're going to do with kids is talk about how we build their skills in bigger motions. Now what is the amazing thing that he achieves? And it was like a movie effect that they used. Oh, he can see where he sees it at all. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah. Totally sees it all. I know, because he sees it all, but what else does he do? What happens where it just goes? I don't know. Where he's like blurred and he's like in a flow state and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, so bullet time. Remember they did bullet time where it stops and they like circular around. They slow it down. Yeah. So that's what we're going to try and achieve with how we have emotional self-regulation and deal with big feelings. Okay. We're going to try and learn how we can give that skill to kids and ourselves. Yep. I'm not an adult specialist, but I do a lot of parents. So it's really important because we know we're going to stay out of the co-regulation space. But we know the first step of co-regulation is our self-reguling first. Yep. So it's a really important thing we're going to do. So you're talking about like we're going to spin around and put it on us or something like that. We're going to slow down time. Okay. Because yeah, what does. I can lead you to the donic, but you have to walk her up. Give me the pill, Billy. So yeah, so it's really important. This is a really important skill. And yeah, the matrix is this beautiful portrayal of Neo as the child and Morpheus as the parent. Yep. Taking him through this process of understanding this external world and the internal impact it has on Neo. So what are we teaching people today? Like how would you call this medically? Yeah, so we're talking about emotional self-regulation. Emotional self-regulation. Yeah. All right. Now, let's talk about it. What do you think about emotional self-regulation? So tell me what comes first. What came first for me this morning? You got to check yourself. What came before that? What came before the emotion? You're trying to set yourself up for a bit of success. Yes. Because what do I know is coming? Stress. Why? Because it's always tough. Yeah, because I've got to drop off. Drop off. I'll practice. Yeah, you know drop-offs coming. You know they don't want to go. So that's the situation. Yep. And that comes before the emotion. Yeah, before it all boils up. Doesn't it? If you're lucky, it doesn't happen until you get there, but it can happen in the car on the way. I guess. Yeah. So the situation. And then what happens before the emotion? And Richard Lazarus, an American psychologist, taught us this. What happens before? Does the situation happen in any emotion? It happens somewhere. Yeah. They recognize what's about that. What do I do first? So what do I do? Yeah. So I'm. I go into a diary. Yeah. So I've prepared doing all that stuff. I get in there. And Evie starts struggling. What happens before my emotion? Does it go? So a lot of parents would say, there's nothing that happens before it. They just go from zero to 100. There's no sign. There's no process. So you just do it. That's not true. Because what happens? You start to see the physically recoil and stuff. Yeah. So I'm assessing the situation. Your situation. I assess it. That's what Lazarus realized, which is a huge concept because everyone was like. Situation emotion. It goes straight to that. But we assess it. Yeah. Then we process it. And see how we appraise it. Through that kind of assessment. And then we have how we think about it. And then we have how we act. So those are the steps that we're going to talk about. Now, situation this morning. What could I have done? I usually ask me practically what I do. I usually try and connect with that teacher straight away. Yeah. Beautiful. So I walk in. I'm like, Jimmy. Look, it's Jimmy. And then Jimmy usually lights up. And then Jimmy will come over and go, oh, look, it's Ron. I'll be like, Jimmy, Ron. So what you're doing there is you're modifying the situation. Yeah, I'm trying to like show you. This is all cool. Which is a really good strategy because you're adding humor. You're adding lightheartedness. Yeah. You're adding connection. And you're adding a little relatability. And then I'll look at her. And she's kind of like, yeah, all right. Yeah. Because I have bad drop offs. Because she's appraising it. She's assessing it. She's saying how she thinks about it. And we can come in there and help them with that. And we'll talk about that. Yeah. Now, what else could I've done about the situation? You. So you're doing your assessment of EV at this stage? But even before that, before I get to drop off. Well, I wouldn't word her up. But you could tell it would be brave, maybe, or something. Yeah. So I did word her up. And that's where she melted down. And we're like, that's all right. Yeah. I was wondering if that's the right thing. Because it's always terrible. I've never had a great outcome. And they never go, oh, I'm brave. Yeah, cool, I'm brave today. Yeah, no worries. That'll make this awesome. Yeah, yeah. Doesn't go like that. So I could have just avoided it, couldn't I? Yeah. I could have texted you and gone, mate. We're going to have to find it out at the time. EV is too upset. Oh, you could have avoided it together. Yeah. Yeah, right. But it was so horrible. So that's where a lot of clinical anxiety comes from. Because before, they even get to the situation. Their strategy is to avoid it. So I'm not going to go to school. I'm not going to separate from Mum. I'm not going to drop EV off. I'm going to get the injection. And once it gets to the point where it's like, yeah, we're not going to get the injection. Yeah. Because it gets that point sometimes. Yeah. I've had foul drop-offs. Yeah. Yeah, totally. What the kid home said, sorry, Mum. She's with you today. Mum just looks at me. Okay. Totally. Now, if you couldn't work because you've been doing it for weeks and had to say to work, I can't do it. Then that becomes a dysfunctional strategy, doesn't it? It doesn't work. But it is appropriate sometimes. Now, in the moment we're on when you're like, I look here as this person and it isn't as exciting, what you're actually doing is a component of how you assess the situation. And that is the step before you kind of feel how you think about it is what you give attention to. And that's a really beautiful thing. Yeah. Because you're trying to find the good things to give attention to. Good things that are in there. Yeah. Now, what else can we do that's bad with attention? Point of the bad things. Yeah. Point of the dangers. Yeah. What else can we do? Ignore them. Yeah. Suppress them, internalise them. So, I'm doing that though when I say, hey, look, it's Jimmy. Well, you're probably acknowledging them, but you are redirecting your attention to something more helpful. That's what we all do as parents. Yeah. Well, do you know what I do? I don't know what you do when I'm really stressed and I'm getting like, finding myself ruminating. I'll pick up my phone and look at stuff. Last night I reckon I've touched my phone between midnight and 1 a.m. 50 times. I'm so stressed. Yeah, totally. Because I'm using a coping mechanism to shift my attention to something. Quick hit. Yeah. So, we can shift our attention and we can help kids shift their attention in ways that are healthy and ways that are unhealthy. To the good stuff or just avoid it. Ignore it. Oh, what do you do? Yeah. So, what should you have done at midnight? Yeah, so I needed to modify the situation and it took my phone away from me. It made it easy for me to move away from it. I probably should have gone a bit, but I was like, no, I have to get stuff done. I've been like this every night this week. And so, I'm just like sleep deprived and all of that stuff. And I'm trying to talk about what you'll talk about. I still, except for the smallings, first time in probably years, I haven't exercised in the first start of my day. Because I've lost that protective factor, but those protective factors are really important in terms of our action. We'll talk about that because that's the last step. But how can I modify the environment? How can I be aware that I'm directing my attention to something that's unhealthy by doing that? And then make it easier for me in an awareness of that. Now, one of the things that we're going to talk about at Matrix right now. Yeah, one of the things that we can do in that moment is be aware, called interception. Be aware of what our body is doing and what I'm experiencing. And just me going, getting tense. I'm noticing that I'm drawing away from what I'm trying to read and what I'm trying to write. And I'm going to my phone. And what's the key whenever we are struggling or our kid is struggling? Have we noticed it? Yeah, we've noticed it. We're aware of it. We're trying to connect to it. What do we need to do with big feelings, whether it's our own or our kids? So we acknowledge it. And then we try and bring ourselves back down. Yeah, but even before we have any strategy, we need to make sure we're not judging ourselves or our kids. We need to go in non-judgmentally. So I was getting annoyed at myself for doing it. Yeah. It's beautiful to say that it's hard because it is hard. And we need to remember for a three year old, it's really hard for a 30 year old, it's really hard. But we need to be non-judgmental about it. And this is like one approach with mindfulness or meditative practice or whatever is about recognizing the feelings that are happening in your body and the emotions you're having. But letting yourself experiencing them without judging them. Without feeling guilty, without attacking yourself. But I do that. Yeah. I'm like, I can't believe I'm doing this. I'm so stressed. I'm not going to get to bed. I'm like doing the classic thing of counting every hour of sleep. I'm going to get it from watching the diminished. Yes, I'm catastrophizing, which is a dysfunctional way of thinking about this. And that's the next step. Now, I'm worrying. Or I'm. and I'm ruminating as well at the same time. Now, what's even stringed worry and rumination to dysfunctional ways that we process? Rumination just goes circular. Yeah, so I always think about it as rumination, like you're ruminating. Just the same thing over and over. Yeah, so rumination is often you're still thinking about something that's happened in the past and that's a key feature of depression. And worry if you're looking in the future. Yeah, worry is a key feature of anxiety. Anxiety is forward. Depression is back. Yeah. So now there's a healthy approach to that because it actually helps us problem-solve, doesn't it? If you're like, "I screwed up, I shouldn't have said that thing, how am I going to resolve it?" But it becomes dysfunctional when we're having big feelings and we just cycle through rumination. And that's often when we're going to bed. What do you do? It's like distraction. Yeah, so what can you do? So you can do the steps we talked about. Yeah, acknowledge that feeling. Be aware of it's happening in my body. And then think about what's a healthy approach that I can do. I can get up and walk away from this. I can write down. Make a list, try and bank it off of that. I can send an email. I can tell myself, "I'm going to talk to my partner about this tomorrow and see if they can help me." Anxiety is phenomenal like this. That's often my strategy. I will be ruminating about something I've done wrong. And I will go tell myself, "I'm going to talk to Anxiety about this." We need to role model that for our kids so they see us doing that. So they go, "Hey, Dad's been really stressed about this thing that's happened at work." And he's like, "Realized he needs to go out for a run, who's realized he needs to, you know, say to my money to have a chat to you about this thing or whatever." And they see that help seeking. We'll talk about why it helps. It's the same approach for worry and for rumination. It's a different approach for every single child, but yes, you're right. Once they become dysfunctional, you need to think about a different process. Yeah, to that point with them. You're thinking about adult for months. But worry about the kids. Check myself first, because I reckon someone, my age is going to give us about this. Just sorry. So whether it's worrying about the future or doing something you've bad you've done recently or have long back in the past, if you think about addressing it, it's like writing. I'm saying about practice. If you could either write it down, you could go and action it. If you can action it or write it down to pick it up later or say you're going to chat. I'm going to go and speak to my partner tomorrow about this. Yeah, beautiful. And what else has been up there? Anything else? Yeah, so you can re-apprise the situation and think it was really that bad? Yeah, totally. How do you do that? So you have a process. Now there's lots of different ways to do it. You can step back. You can step back from it and say, "How would I feel if this happened to someone else?" If someone else came to me and said they said the wrong thing or they forgot something or they slipped up. Well, they have reacted in front of people. What advice would I give them? We can do this with our kids. What do you think of like Sally? Sally, do that to you. Yeah, how would you feel? Did you care that much, mate? What would Sally need to do to make it better? So you're stepping them out of it. So we need to do that too. We step back and say, "How can I be a bit more objective about this? How can I process it in a way that's a bit more helpful? Who can I draw in to help me with this?" Now we can do this in a really dysfunctional way. We can get caught up in it. Or we can just completely suppress it. I'm not going to think about that. Or we can go into dysfunctional coping strategies such as alcohol, drug use, or sleep, stop exercising. Those are why they stop doing all the things that are helpful. That's why they're all the signs of clinical anxiety and depression. Because they're dysfunctional coping strategies for big feelings that we're having. They're impacting our daily lives. Now the last bit is kind of what we do with our behaviours. And that's really important that we think purposely about what are we doing as a response to that. Now what do you do when you get stressed or sad or anxious or angry or any big feeling? Yeah. Don't get angry. So yeah, anger is really interesting because anger is one of the only negative. There's no negative emotions. But the only so-called negative where it actually forces us towards something. Often anxiety and fear is underneath something. I get that one. I get that anxiety. Yeah. So for a lot of people that we draw, but often with anger, we go towards something. Often like hopelessness, sadness, fear. You know guilt, shame. They shut us down. Whereas anger is often like an acopic mechanism. Because what we want is we want to take hope. So it's not a good coping mechanism. So it often makes things worse. Now what do you want if when you are either the girls is angry? Because something bad has happened to them. So I just talk to Evie about this when the little boy does something to you. Oh, that's the outcome I want is I want them to calm down. Yeah, you don't want them to get help if something's. Yeah. And what do you want them to be as adults when someone is rude to them and they get angry? They have to sort of step back and assess the situation a little bit and understand what it is. And what about if they have to address the situation? To be able to communicate really clearly. Yeah, you want them to be assertive. Now boys are much better at being assertive than girls, but they often do it from anger and aggression. That's because the big feeling is still controlling their behaviour through anger. And I'm like this. You know, Malfi is like being attacked four or five times, my dog. It's made her so anxious that she's just so reactive and it's getting actually really hard to exercise her. Because I run out with a lead tied to me. And people who are not meant to have their dogs off leave. The dog comes and attacks them. And I've then got a deal with the dog attacking my dog, who is like cowering and whimpering. And it makes me really angry. And I go towards it. Happened a month ago and I like had stern words with the guy. But if I'm being 100% honest, I wasn't just being assertive. I was still really emotionally flooded and having big feelings. And the guy like, you know, just tried to avoid. So he just was on his phone, his dog attacked mine, didn't even do anything. I just sought out this dog and he just walked off and called his dog. And I was like, mate, this kid's a player here, this dog should be on a lead. It's just attacked my dog. It happened two days ago, little old lady walking a massive dog on a lead. I run past. She loses control of it. Got this huge dog attacking Malfi. Once again, pinning her, hurting her, all this stuff. The woman comes over. I had no problem not being aggressive. Because the situation is different. It's a little old lady. She tried to address it as well. Yeah. And I was like, oh, this is the, you know, fifth time she's been attacked. Now it's getting really hard for her to leave the house. Because she keeps getting attacked if I'm being honest. I feel a lot of shame about that dog because I feel like I've failed her. She's been attacked so much. So I have this big feeling every time this happens. And it completely drops my function. Yeah, what I could do, which I'm obviously not going to do. So I could go right back to the start of what we talked about. And I could avoid, I could stop running it. What I've got to try and do is change. Change it. Yeah, that's dysfunctional. So what I've got to do is change the situation. I've got to re-appraise it. I've got to have processes. I've got to give attention to certain things. And I've got to have strategies that support her. And that's kind of what Neo learns going back to the Matrix. He learns all the things that he can do to overcome the big feelings that are happening to him. Which is people attacking him, the agents. And that's what happens in our life. Is that we walk through life. And our kids especially do ill-equipped to deal with these kind of challenges that come to their mental well-being. And those are often big feelings that they don't have the strategies. They haven't gone through the simulation yet. But we can guide them through it and give them the skills. And that's stepping through some of it. A more simple version of it is if we think about there are five steps that kids will go through starting from the least helpful to the most helpful. The first is real externalising aggression anger, just like what I've done. Bang. 100% bang. Out the gaze. I've had a big feeling. I don't feel comfortable about. Something has happened. And I'm aggressive. I'm angry. And I've flutted it. The second one is withdrawal and internalising. I just shut down. I avoid that emotion. I avoid that feeling. I don't acknowledge it. Also destructive. The third one is avoidance. I don't take EV. To daycare. I don't take malphi out for a run. I don't assert myself. I don't stick up for myself. I don't address the conflicts and the causes that I'm struggling with. The second highest tier is where we're often trying to get kids that are stuck in any of those three, which is help seeking. The final tier that a lot of us adults can't do is problem solving. We want to help our kids learn to problem solve but very gently with a lot of support and very low expectations. Now help seeking is really important how we respond to them when they help seek if we expect them to help seek from other people like child care educators. Because that's the hardest place she's going to help seek is today if that kid comes and hits her. So I've got a teacher. Now the other day when she melted down, that's how she learns if help seeking works. Now if one of your girls is angry, what should your response be? And you think it's stupid, you're frustrated. What's your more response? If she's really angry, just help her label the emotion. I wasn't even going there but I forgot to mention that. That's a really important strategy. It's a cognitive approach that goes before the behaviour but after the appraisal, it says, and how do you say it? They go, I hate Billy. Yep, yep. That's what's in my nose. Completely fictional. I hate Billy. It's like, I can see you're really angry at Billy. You don't hate Billy. Yeah, you look at that beautifully. Yeah, I honestly, this is part of my summary notes from the book. So I've done that. Why did you do it like that? Because you try and teach them what the feeling is they're experiencing. So they know what this feels like, this is anger. It's not the hate of a human. They're another kid they like for that moment because they're four years old hate in that moment. But they're just really angry at them. And what's an important feeling that they feel about how you're responding to them? Well, I'm trying to connect with them so that they understand them. How do you want them to feel about anger? What do you want her to grow up and feel about anger? It's passing. Yeah? I don't know. It's not. It's okay. Oh, it's okay. It's okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel. How are you feeling is okay? Every single feeling. Yeah, absolutely. So there's evidence that shows that in terms of emotional self-regulation through the life course, including us as adults, is how positively primary care give is respond to anger. Does that make sense? So if we dismiss it, which I minimize it, get angry back at them, which it do tick tick. Yeah. So what we've got to say is I'm happy you're coming to me. I'm happy that I'm here to be able to help you with anger. Anger is healthy. Anger is normal. Anger is okay. Because you can't get anywhere near the other stuff we talked about in terms of what you do about it. If they don't feel safe, supported and that all their feelings are valid and okay. No, I'm just cast back to something I'm dealing with at home at the moment. Yeah, but it's got to be, doesn't it? Because otherwise, she'll do all the dysfunctional stuff that you and I have just talked about. Yeah. She'll avoid. She'll minimize. She'll distract herself. She'll do all those things. It is now that our kids will learn that anger is okay. Including teenagers, it's not lost. Because our brains, just like NEOs, are clay. The experience moulds the clay. As we get older, it gets harder to mould. That's why it gets really hard to learn in language. It gets really hard to learn new skills as we get older. But we are the people that help that experience and mould them. This is why I completely disagree with the argument that kids just need to be running around. You know, figuring life out and we've model coddled them too much. Good for a bunch of them. Good for the dandelions, maybe. But yeah, perfect. No, no, yes. But definitely the sensitive kids. Because you're so right. There's two aspects of this which you haven't talked about. We've been banging on too much. I'll cover it in the following. It's irrelevant. There is the normal progression of emotional self-regulation that kids go through. Which starts when their babies, do you know what babies do? They gaze at it. So when a baby looks away from you, that is the first stage of emotional self-regulation. Because they're saying whatever I'm looking at is distressing me. I'm going to look away from it. And that is our first opportunity to connect and understand whatever I'm doing now is distressing them. I need to go towards it. Just like when one of your kids comes into this as I'm angry, the baby that gays a verse is showing you the same thing. And you need to make sure that's okay. I'm not angry that you're not looking at me and playing with me and engaging with me. Your feeling is okay. That big kick now. Charlie's going through a huge kick in this because he's mobilising. Yep. Hey, I'm 43 years old. Recognising that stuff gets older. It gets harder when you're older. I'm actually confident that I could turn this around in myself. Yeah, I'm confident you could too. So we can turn this around with kids. 13 year old kid. 16 year old kid. You can teach it. I do it. I'm a tiny part of it. The therapist, the social workers, the teachers, the parents. Yeah. They'll actually do it. They're the ones that are going to do it right. Yeah. But I'll write the word success. I'll write the word success. What? Yeah. It's like the name of this podcast. Hey. Yeah. I get called Dr. Nick now. Sure. The figures per HD. Mate, it's if there was like an idea of doctors, you could just throw your photo on it. Or you could use mine. Just. Yeah. There you go. I'm trying to think what privilege I get from that. I don't get into like any lounge or anything. Yeah. What? What's an airport? I've been travelling anywhere in six years, mate. I go by car. Billy, so you can pair this back. Yeah, yeah. You can do all these steps. Because I feel like, I'm really focused on the key to you. I really am. But I'm like, I need to work on myself first. I get those big ways and floods of emotions walking to that situation. I'm dealing with the same thing right now, but with a school kit and like aftercare. Then I want to go to aftercare. Yeah, yeah. Deal with it. Totally. And it starts the night. See, that is going to trigger me massively. Because I was always the last kid to get picked up at aftercare. I hated it. Yeah. And I worked in it for six years. Yeah. So drawn to it. There's something there. I'm still going to unpack. Yeah. But I look at this and go. Like some, I'm going through the same thing right now. And it starts the night before. So it's worry. Right. Some like. Oh. And I. What do you do? Wow. I've started off shit today. Let me tell you. So I'll buy me. No, like I've like. If you go tonight. If you go tonight. I'll give you this. I'll give you this. Well, that's really it's fine. That's really it. That's really it. It's a really heavy change stuff that we went back to before. Yeah, it was terrible. It was terrible. But we did have. I'm sure that we have a lot of experience. Totally. Because I've just read all of that. I did all of that. But she kind of comes to me. I talk her through it. And she goes to mom. Chiles it on with mom. And I can see it going a bit. And I'm like, it's stuff I'm probably going to do with it. I don't know. But you also did this with the vaccinations. You changed the story. And that is a emotional self-regulation strategy. And how we appraise and how we think about the situations we're struggling with are our kids. Yeah. It's all right. Sorry. People don't give you shit about this right now listening. Honestly. I'll stop. No. But we don't. Because it probably likes. This is the one that's really tough. It's tough. It's tough because the problem is you can't take them in there and like step them through it. Because once you're there with them. No. But that's why you teach them outside of this. I know. But it's just hard. It's just hard. We can't expect educators to do this on their own. But you teach them this in the safest relationship and the safest environment first. I'm going to just you and you've got capacity. Yeah, okay. Cool. So yeah. So you go through this. So very quickly because it's important. And then I'll get to the thing. Charlie's going through this now because he's got a lot of mobility. So he can go away from things that are distressing him. He's got a really early strategy for bigger motions. An emotional self-regulation. He comes towards me. And he wants help or an alice or you. Or people he feels safe with. Yeah. And says pick me up. And it's important we do that. It's really important early stage of help seeking. He also knows how to push my buttons. He literally, God knows how. He's figured out on the washing machine whenever it's running. But if he presses at an odd number of times, it'll stop. He never presses at an even number of times. It's not because he's a genius. It's because he's figured out if he stops it and it doesn't keep spinning, there'll be an emotional response from me. So he's doing that. So he's doing that the whole time. He's got me on my toes because of that mobility. So I've got a situation that I'm struggling with. But I've got a one-year-old who's climbing up on everything they can to throw themselves off it. Who's doing all these things in interactive environment. So it's important that I have an appraisal process saying that's completely normal development. That it's going to be stressful for me. What are the strategies that I can put in place? I can modify the situation. I'm making it harder for him to get up to these things. Harder for him to get to the washing machine. I can make sure I label the emotion that I'm having. I think about the change that it's having in my body. And I process it in a way that's helpful in my behaviour is one that allows me to healthily deal with that. Totally. Through in the moment, through outside of it, exercise, all that stuff. So it's really helpful. Does that all make sense? Totally. One more quick tip on that one. You can usually lock them. There's usually a child lock. Yeah, 100%. I've got problem solving. No, no, no, it is problem solving. But yes, I should figure that out. Just to help you, that's on my hand. It's on my to do. But you're right, because that's actually a strategy. It's a strategy. I find the carve out at the time. I'm just so bad with that stuff. I'll be googling it, watching a YouTube video of how to do the lock thing. So yeah, anyone out there who is one of the final listeners thinking Billy Smars, I cannot figure out how to do the child lock. I'm washing machine. Anyway, let's do it. Let's do the same. Yeah, I haven't seen it. Don't know what it is. Go. So he's learning. Think about Neo as the kid. Morpheus as the parent. And the agents. And the world. And the matrix as all the big emotions. Okay? Do it. The matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around. What do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system. And that makes them our enemy. Have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inert, so hopelessly dependent on the system that they will fight to protect it. Are you listening to me, Neo? Are you looking at the woman in the red dress? I was looking again. Freeze it. This. This isn't the matrix. No. It's another training program designed to teach you one thing. If you are not one of us, you are one of them. What are they? Sentient programs. They can move in and out of any software still hardwired to their system. That means that anyone we haven't unplugged is potentially an agent. Inside the matrix, they are everyone, and they are no one. We have survived by hiding from them, by running from them. But they are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys, which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them. Someone. I won't lie to you, Neo. Every single man or woman who has stood their ground to everyone who has fought an agent has died. But where they have failed, you will succeed. Why? I've seen an agent punch through a concrete wall. Men have emptied entire clips at them and hit nothing but air. Yet their strength and their speed are still based in a world that is built on rules because of that. They will never be as strong or as fast as you can be. What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets? No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to. It's such a weird saying. It's amazing. But what it's really showing is that what he's saying is like the world is full of people that struggle with emotions. And then there's those bigger emotions coming at us. Now we can't expect other people who are not unplugged or working on this. To be able to deal with the process and all those things. And they challenge us, those interactions with people, like the other kid that is hitting Evie or whatever, or the person with the dog or whatever is triggering you or when you're ready to be stressed. There's a beautiful component in it. What he's saying is like you won't need to because he's saying it won't matter what emotions come. And that's what we want to get to is that when we get attacked from the external world and the situations and environments, yeah, we can just handle it. And that's what all of us are trying to achieve. And that's what Plato was talking about. How do you go out into the world? Realize all the superficial stuff that are distractions because a lot of us that struggle with big feelings will link into anti-social behaviour, addiction. All of those things are often coping mechanisms. And what he's trying to say is if you learn how to handle this and process it, anything will come at you and you'll be fine. And that's what we want to get our kids to. But they feel anger and they can handle it in a healthy way. They feel jealousy, they feel frustration, they feel sadness, they feel worthless, they feel helpless. Those are processes that are valid and experiences they have and we give them the skills at a developmentally appropriate level, which often the healthy one we want to get to is help seeking and then we help them problem solve. But that's what the matrix is really about. And there's hate to stuff on and talk about that we haven't yet. Impulse controls are a big part of this. We're going to talk about that. It's a really good balancing act. I'll try and fit that in some of the questions that come. Adolescence is a really big window of this where big feelings they really struggle for lots of different reasons. We'll talk about how we can help add a lesson through that of people sending questions. But what I'm hoping is that people have understood the analogy of this skill development process and some of the basic foundational steps in how we build it in our kids and ourselves and how we support them. You've been really amazing. I also hope that people are comfortable to send in experiences they've had with big emotions as a kid, as being a parent, all of that stuff, some things that haven't worked, some things that have worked. All of the amazing professionals out there, it'll be amazing. That's often some really helpful practical advice. What do you find, supports these kids, especially those sensitive temperaments with big feelings? If we please send them into the pop culture parenting at Gmail, because it's a bit easier. The Instagram is just getting, it's amazing, but it's getting absolutely hammered. The Instagram is just a tool to bring more people to the podcast. We also, this is the time and it's a short window. We're the next episode. We'll be out in two weeks, so we'll record it in less than that. There's like 10 days to send them in, and this is the only opportunity at the moment that I have capacity to answer stuff. People are often sending in questions about different off-topic stuff. Can you just help with this? Yeah, it's not possible. That's why I think what you and I need to talk about it, but we might do like an open one where we just send in anything, and we'll try. Yeah, we'll do something like that. But yeah, it's just this, the second bit is the amazing bit. Hopefully that was really helpful. Hopefully you enjoyed it and found it useful. Yeah, no, I loved it. Can I be really honest? I'm a little bit more focused on myself with all this one. I am. I reckon, and I'll probably say that when we do the summary of it, but this is so practical for adults. Because then once you understand it, you can teach it that sort of thing. Like we want our kids to do it totally, but like, oh, I've got a lot of work to do on this space, personally. And I've got a couple of things I can work on at home, both my kids need to work on two. Do you know what I mean? But I think this is one of those general ones we can all do together at the same time, so it'll work on yourself and then apply with your kids and see, hopefully see some success and green shoots and all that jazz. It's awesome. Yeah, it's amazing. It's a beautiful opportunity for us to work on something ourselves and support our kids at a much lower level of expectation at a much higher level of support. Yeah, and you saw me halfway through trying to look at what the time stamp was and one of the convoys didn't have to listen to it eight times on half speed to get my head around it. Kazam, it was really good. Yeah, really, really cool. All right, guys, Epic Billy's done the whole wrap-up already, but we want all those questions. No, no, you're making a poll. We want to get all those questions through. But the best way these days is via the Gmail reason being is just the stuff isn't coming through the inbox. Like it used to this. There's a lot more spam and stuff. Sorry, sorry, through the in-state inbox. There's just a lot of spam and stuff that's not making it through and it's just frustrating. For Australia for you, for Australia for us. So Gmail's the best way to get through to us with your questions. But also important to the stories is they come through as well. So we'll see how that goes. But enjoy it. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm going to speed you in a couple of weeks. Hey, my mother's smile after you're on your breath. She'll take it out on me. I don't want to see anybody outside. Where's your daddy? And what does he do? Just use your best judgment to be trusted.