EP29: 10 Tips to Step Up Your Dating Profile

Hello friends and welcome once again to everyone's favorite therapy theme podcast. This is this changes everything and as per you I'm Sarah here with my bestie therapy Jeff. How are you Jeff? I'm doing really great. You are getting so good at that introduction. Thank you. It just like rolls off the tongue after I can do very terrible math but like half a year we've been talking about. It's like more than half a year. Yes, I told you bad math. I mean yeah a little more than a half a year and what a journey it's been. It's been so nice. It's great. You know what I'm loving is I'm meeting people out in public who stop me and say oh my gosh you're from this changes everything and I mean this is so great. Yes I am. And so shout out to all the people who are stopping me in the streets and saying hello and saying thank you for the advice. And we are talking about something today that is a subject that many of you guys have written in an a** about and I am shocked that in these 30 episodes we have not even talked about one time. I mean here. I mean maybe like here and there. Yeah. So it's all about dating profiles dating apps which is. Oh God. What's your experience on dating apps Sarah? How do you feel about it? Well considering I married somebody from I met on it you know I met on a dating app. I mean and I'm with one I met on a dating app right now so far so good. Which date? I will say okay so my husband X husband I met on match.com and he was the very first person I ever went on a date with and I was like looks good. Sounds good. Should have maybe done a little more vetting in the you know looking back in high side. Maybe yeah listen to our divorce episode from last week or a couple weeks ago. And so I tried match.com then I did hinge for a little while and bumble I for a bit and then I with my current partner was like let's go I'm looking for a good time not a long time so I'm going to go over to Tinder. And sorry I met him so you can really meet anyone anywhere on any of these dating apps. What about you? Yeah I think I don't think I ever used match. I started my online dating journey with okay Cupid. Did you ever use okay Cupid? I did not. Oh my god it was for like it was so it felt like it was like so hip and it was so cool. It has to like I'm milling in like fun questions and have this like algorithm to like match your questions with other people that other answers that people were giving. It was very cute. Back in the day where you could like write just like match you could like write a very long profile like essays if you wanted to. So that was really fun. I met a few people off of okay Cupid. Oh actually this is embarrassing. Before okay Cupid Craigslist personal ad. I knew you were going to say that. I freaking I was like he's good say Craigslist personal. Did you ever fuck with Craigslist? I mean I looked at it for fun and I was living in Tarantis go where I feel like a lot of that Craigslist stuff like Star Wars is really big. So it I was fun to to kind of scroll through that and click on some of those. I loved like the missed encounters or whatever it's called. Miss connections. Miss connections. Oh yeah you're confusing that with casual encounters which is correct. The sexy talent. Yeah which I don't think I think maybe Craigslist isn't allowed to have that anymore. They're correct. It was like a soliciting prostitute. Uh huh yeah. So yeah I started out on there. I went on Craigslist personal maybe this was like 18 years ago before I moved to Portland. Like right before I moved to Portland I was like hey I'm headed up to Portland ladies. Are you ready? I'm ready. And I met somebody and her name is Sarah. Love a Sarah. And she was fantastic and she was amazing. We dated for maybe a few months we're still friends now but then it was okay Cupid and then it was eventually Tinder and Hinge and Bumble just like the rest of us. Do you have a favorite? I'm a Hinge guy. Okay what is it about Hinge that makes you like it? Uh well I like the user experience on Hinge. You can't you have to like press a little X to X out of a profile. You can't swipe somebody to the left. Good I've accidentally done that so many times. Yeah so you can be a lot more than that. And I love Tandard so it already feels backwards and confusing. Exactly. Um Hinge feels like you know looking for like maybe a longer term relationship a little bit more serious but also like I'm hip and cool and I like down to bang if that's just what you want to do. You can go like either way. While like Tinder feels like yeah short time not a long time like let's just sort of like hook up here let's get our needs met. Bumble. Get our needs met is a very classy way to put that. Bumble I like Bumble too. It's got that sort of like feminist flare sort of thing going on which I'm into but there's other dating apps right like field. Have you like checked out field? No. F-E-E-L-D. Um that's sort of like down with toxic monogamy it's sort of like this is for like all the ethical non monogamous. Poly open maybe monogamyish sort of like maybe you're just like looking for a play partner where you're sort of like want to mess around or you're solo poly you want to date people that are already in relationships in our poly emorous. It's pretty hip the user interface is really fucking annoying and I don't like it but it's good for it's it almost feels like a more evolved Tinder and it's popular in a specific northwest. Okay. Fields. Field. Field. Oh see on it. And then there's the league. Have you ever did you ever do you know what the league is? Oh it's just for like people who are special. Yeah. There's some sort of like yeah some like hoidy toidy you have to like apply or some like like that. Oh there's also Raya. Do you know about that? Oh yeah. I did. I applied for that and I was on the waiting list for like two years and then I hear about other people around there and I'm like come on. I'm quality. This is like great a beef over here. Like come on. And then I just gave up because you know and it was funny because I was going through my I got in a new phone and I was updating everything going through like old apps and that one was still on there as I'm like still waiting to be you know let it off the waiting list. And I was like I think it's time to delete this. So I deleted Raya is for special people like us right. Yes. Sort of like celebrities. Celebrity dating. Yeah. And then I see like because it'll go through your contact list when you apply it'll go through your contacts and it'll say because you can get somebody who's already a member to give you a referral or like recommend you or whatever. And so it showed me the people in my contacts who are already members and I'm like what you with those guys? They got way less clout than me. What's happening? So something. The other one that I tried that I have to say I had the best success with as far as being paired up with quality people who I felt like were all matched in terms of their like career goals and you know just like I felt on the same page. There's a lot of the people I went out with. I didn't I wasn't like wasting my time. I every single day I went on felt like I could keep going on dates with this person was e-harmony. Oh wow. E-harmony. I know I would not only did I have I. Here's what I went out with there a children's book illustrator a pediatric doctor a guy who was a chef, he and I dated for a long time and then some other like but every single one was like yep. Yeah. I think it was like a child psychologist too. I'm like these are all perfect like kind of people for me. It was great. I feel like happens on e-harmony and this is oh I'm this is just for like heterosexual relationships I know this is not all relationships but on those questionnaires you fill out you know a whole bunch of questions that give you a pretty I don't know and that nice profile of who you are about like personality traits things like that and they'll ask you to rate your looks like rate your attractiveness. They don't say looks I think they say attractiveness and in my experience men overrate themselves and women underrate themselves. And I encourage any woman who is filling out any of those questions that say that to just bump yourself up to more points because the guys are doing it so you should do it too. You don't need and they don't be like oh I'm like nope you're an eight plus. Trust me. I don't care. Just put it. I think that is the men are ranking themselves higher and the women lower. I just know this to be true. Do you think that the guys are ranking themselves higher because they think they actually are that good looking or do you think they like think they should do that for the algorithm or like that. That is a very good question. Yeah. We need to get these guys on the podcast. Yeah. Okay. Go through. Who do you think you are? You're just going yourself sir. Yeah. You are nine. You are nine. Eight point five. Yeah. Come on. So, let's go through some dating tips. I mean we have a whole list here because you know this is something we get asked a lot. This is something you know a lot of us struggle with writing a dating profile and coming up with like what the heck. How can you do that? you use the dating apps to your advantage? How can you? How can you? That's the thing is that I want to start out before maybe we even before we like dive into the actual tips. I want to talk about the algorithm because there is an algorithm on each of these dating apps that's pairing you with people that they think that would be a good match for you. But also we have to like pull back and remember that all these dating apps are owned by like rich tech e-seat like owners or investors. So like all these dating apps are trying to make a ton of money off of you. Also most of the dating apps are owned by one company. Do you know about this one company? No. Oh my gosh. There be Jeff with the facts here. I am loving this. Tell me everything. All of the most popular dating apps except for Bumble although I bet they're going to get Bumble in the next year or two is owned by the match group. So it was match.com who decided to start like gobbling up all the competition. They own Tinder and hinge and plenty of fish and like 50 other dating apps out there like the ridiculous amount. Yeah like clown dating. Clown dating. That's like a real thing. Just a farm only farmers dating. Mustache. People with mustache dating. Like there's like that's a real one. There's like you know there's so many dating apps out there and match group owns almost all of them. So they're trying to make a ton of money off of you and they're going to make it so that like you do get some good matches but you also get like not great matches. They want you to stay on there as long as you possibly can so that you spend money and get their premium services or whatever. Oh yeah. But the way to kind of like use the algorithm to your advantage is that they're going to show you other people that are engaging with the app. So if you're somebody that's like messaging people back that's liking people swiping on people commenting on pictures like actually using it then you're going to show up more often. Oh yeah. So if you're really good reminder for those people who go on for a while they get kind of like I don't really like what I'm seeing then they say I'm going to take a break from this and they come back to it and are disappointed again because they're not being fed the good stuff because they are not engaging with it. Oh my gosh. Exactly. You're being fed people that are in the sort of like general pile which is just sort of like they don't really want to be here. They don't like themselves like they're on the fence. They don't want to interact with it at all. And so you're getting matched up with people that like are just sort of like iffy or they're just sort of over it or something. And so if you act like that and you're not really engaging then you'll get matched with those people and you'll bear like a track like oh my gosh ain't that the truth. Exactly. So my suggestion is like use and engage the dating app but if you're done with it delete it from your phone. Don't just like leave it there and not go back to it but just delete the whole profile unsubscribe from it and then if you want to get back on it create a whole new dating profile and get into it. Excellent advice. Oh my god. I do know any of that. Now you know. That makes sense and you know what looking back the times where I have been really engaged and really like it's you know kind of it does turn into a part-time job. I mean you really do have to. Oh my god. It does. It does you know and and the reality is like if you want love in your life and if you want to partner you have to prioritize that. You have to you will if you want to be successful in your job. You got to prioritize work. You got to whatever you put energy into is what is going to grow or or I don't know evolve or whatever come into your life. So it is something that if you look at like what am I looking to get out of this it does it is going to take a little bit of work and to some people it can feel like to me it always felt like a part-time job but a part-time job you know so so you can have the life that you want I guess. Yeah I mean yeah it's hopefully the energy pays off and also let's like also like the disclaimer here is that like dating apps like they're sort of like soul-socking sometimes and they can act like there's they almost have like the same effect that on you that like a social media app is going to have it gives you like these dopamine hits of like every now and then you get a likely match with somebody and you get a dopamine hit and then you want to keep on getting that dopamine hit over and over again. So sometimes you're just like are swiping for validation or just trying to get that dopamine hit. If it's not working for you then get the fuck off the dating apps and go try to meet people in real life and another interesting fact is that like all the like Gen Z Gen Zers the zoomers whatever we're calling them they don't like dating apps and it's like the first generation that's just like fuck this shit we're going to like meet people in real life and so the match group and all the other dating app companies are freaking out because like those like kids are sort of treating dating apps like they're treating Facebook or there's like that's where the all the old heads live and yeah like forget it. So millennials as like the millennials are sort of like the last generation that's like using it a lot and when they age out of it or match up with people yeah the apps my the apps are going to have to evolve or they might not survive so that's just sort of like an interesting thing. You know we can definitely do a future episode on alternative ways to meet people unlike because I think there's so many cool new things out there I talked with clients about this friends about this all the time and we will definitely get maybe that's the next episode. Yeah I think that's great. We'll concentrate on dating app right now. Yeah. So won't you start off with some tips Sarah? Okay. Oh here we go. 10 tips for your dating profile. Number one this seems like an obvious one but man you'd be surprised. Use a clear and recent profile pick that shows your face. I mean the amount of times I've gone through pictures and remember sometimes the algorithm does not put the profile the picture that you have as the first picture as the one that other people see first they'll put they'll mix up the photos sometimes. So I've been swiping through before and I'll see a photo of like four people and I'm like I don't even know which one you are. Don't make me do work to try to figure out which person. Yeah I need to know or I'll be swiping I'm on the apps right now I'm on hinge and bumble and I just come across pictures of sunsets or neon signs or people's favorite snacks. So it's like not giving me anything and I love to see your pet I would prefer to see you with your pet in the picture so not just pictures of your pet or maybe only one picture of your pet. I'm here to see you basically show me you. How do you feel about I think there's a name for this too that I can't remember about baiting people with pictures of cute dog like you with a cute dog but it's not your dog. There's a name for this that I feel like they come up with that. I mean I support it. It's like a bait and switch. Look at how cute I am with this adorable animal as long as you put in the caption not my dog. Not my dog right. But if you're getting to catch mine. I have seen a lot of men that put not my kid in the picture when I was holding a child. Don't worry. It's not mine. I'm like, geez, he's crazy. We get it. We get it. Yeah. Yes, but clear pictures. Also, I think like a candid photo like is better than a posed photo. Go ahead and put like a pose selfie. Give me your best angle. I'm sure you have it. But also like give me some candid photos that show you in your environment. So like are you camping? Awesome. I don't want to date you. Are you like hanging out on the couch watching TV. I can picture myself right next to you. So if you like add pictures where I can like insert myself into your life, then it's a more prone to send you a message. Also go ahead and send like post that one picture where it's just like what the fuck is going on in this picture. Like I have I'm worried about you in this picture because then it'll sort of like it'll make me like come up with like a funny thing to respond with. I the silly pictures have always been the ones that catch my interest and the ones that yeah, make me want to message them like a goofy photo. I love a photo of somebody mid laugh. A big laugh, a big smile. Like a big laugh and you could just almost hear them and then you when you meet them and you see them laugh like that. It's just it's something fun to look at. I really love that. So any pictures of you just like being yourself, they don't have to look great. I feel like that pose picture thing is especially if they're all pose selfie pictures. If they're like all the same picture from the same angle. And then it's like are you hiding something? Why can I only see you like in from this perspective? I made a real effort the second on this this last go round of being on online dating to just kind of say, fuck it. I was like, I'm going to post the pictures of me with no makeup. I'm going to post pictures of me in overalls because that's what I'm wearing, you know, six out of seven days of the week. I'm going to just look like myself and not post like the highlight reel and just do what I my real life looks like. And it kind of took the pressure off of it as well in a weird way. >> Yeah, I think of your photos as like, the photos are there to create a vibe, not necessarily to be the most best looking picture of you every single time. But it just sort of shows off your personality and who you really are. So if you can come through with a feeling of authenticity through your pictures, you're killing it. I love that for you. And you don't need to put your fish photo. I'm good. >> It's such a cliche. >> Look, I can feed you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. >> Do you think that's the message? >> Yeah, I recently had somebody tell me that because I was like, why are they all doing that? I think it was Susie on the Brain Candy Podcast. He was like, well, because it represents it's like sending the message of, look, I can support you and feed you. >> There might be something biologically evolutionary psychology sort of like happening there. >> Not working on me. >> Okay, doesn't work on Sarah. Doesn't work on me. >> I just imagine you smell bad. And I'm some of you loves fishing too, which is so silly. Like I'm just like, don't put your show offy fish pics. If you just put yourself a picture of you fishing, I get it. You do it. You don't need like the picture of you caring the fish. I don't know why, that's so silly. Just do it everyone, I don't care. >> You do, yeah. >> Here's what I did to you about though. If you have a stupid headline, my second piece of advice is write a catchy and creative headline. >> Mm-hm. >> Just like, hey, trying this out, not headline. We are all doing that. >> I guess we are all, hey, try this out, definitely. >> Don't you feel like you see that one? Maybe women are more creative. I think women are a little bit more creative. That's who I'm trying to attract. But there's still like, a lot of them are just kind of like mailing it in. I think I more often don't see any headline or text at all. I see a lot of women that just post photos and have nothing, barely anything in there, which is just like put a little effort. Like I put in some effort, you're not cool enough to do this. You know what I mean? So spend some time thinking of what you're going to write. But understandably, I want to validate that this is a very difficult thing to do. And nowadays with Hinge and Bumble and Tinder too, I think there's like only a small amount of text real estate. It's not like it was with the match. >> Not like match of Condes, right? >> Match or okay, cute put or maybe even e-harmony. Or like you're able to put a lot of text, you can only put 200 characters or something in each of these things. >> I'm a big fan of song lyrics or something like a quote from a TV show or a movie. You don't have to come up with an original thing. If you love the office, put an office quote because you will probably attract somebody who gets it and it'll give them something fun to say. Favorite song lyric. Yeah, putting some sort of like inside joke or inside some little detail about you that somebody could notice and have like a really easy time to respond to because they can be like, oh, this is my favorite song too. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, that's a good idea. Well, that also is like going to say here. You can also, if you can't think of something creative to put, you should go to chat GPT or favorite AI chatbot and ask them to come up with catchy little bios or headlines that you can put in your dating app. And they might not come up with the best ones but they'll give you some pretty good ideas. >> I'm interested in this, this, and this. What would be a good way to summarize that? >> Yes. Ask them to give you a template. There's no excuse anymore. All these chatbots can basically write this profile for you. Go ahead and ask them to do it and then change it enough so that it's actually like unique to you. >> Yes, yes. All right, number three, be honest and specific about your likes, dislikes, and hobbies. I can't tell you how many times in California I saw pictures of guys hiking and guys going, don't put a picture of yourself hiking or camping. If you don't want to do that shit. Ladies, this goes for you to everyone, listening. >> Mm-hm, yeah, I support that. >> If Jack puts up a picture of him camping, we're all going to get the wrong idea and now he's baiting switching us. >> Exactly. Yeah, and I'm tempted, there's a part of me that's tempted to put up like a hiking backpacking camping picture, living in the Pacific Northwest. That's what everybody does here. But then you're thinking about how you can be likable to all the other people and you're not actually being your authentic self. >> Totally. >> How many, and I love that you all love tacos. I think that we don't have to say that every single time. Tacos are great, definitely. But you can be a little bit more creative. You can be a little bit more vulnerable maybe. >> I saw a report, something years ago, maybe not like five years ago. So we talked about this on the Brain Candy podcast that said, the most successful profiles mentioned the word guacamole in them. That was like the most common word they found in profiles that were successful on those dating apps. So. >> I wonder what that signifies. >> Maybe it's just so many people are talking about tacos in guacamole. >> Mm-hm. I mean, tacos in guacamole are just, they are like fantastic things that we all love. We can all get behind. But there must be something more to your personality than liking tacos in guacamole is what I'm saying. Although if you do swipe on somebody who says, I love tacos, be prepared to talk about tacos a lot. They probably love tacos. So like, what kind of tacos do you like? Which place do you like to get tacos? Do you like chicken or beef? What kind of tortilla is do you like? They're going to be talking about tacos a lot. So if you go out on a date with somebody or get into a relationship with somebody, make sure you like tacos. And that's the thing is that if you get into a relationship with Sarah, make sure you like camping and outdoorsy shit. Because this is going to be like a big part of their personality, most likely. So keep that in mind. >> The foot that you lead with, and this kind of goes back, I was thinking about this when you're talking about the headlines and about how sometimes you see women who just post pictures of themselves that. >> Mm-hm. The foot that you lead with in the dating app and how you present yourself. If you're just posting pictures, it's kind of like, please just judge me by what I look like. Not the content of what I have to say. Or, you know, and you might get people who are shallow and superficial. >> Yeah. >> So, you know, this, you're posting pictures of yourself, you know, in places that are, I don't know, super fancy or things that, it's fun and it's great, but you might attract a certain kind of person. Like I remember I was watching the documentary, The Tinder Swindler. Did you ever see that? >> Oh, yeah, I loved that. >> Right? And I was looking at all the photos. They were showing the photos of what the women posted. And I was like, those women look like total marks. [LAUGH] >> I mean, you know, a lot of like, so, if that is your life, then man, you post that. But it's kind of like whatever you lead with on there and whatever you choose to show is kind of like what people are going to associate you with. >> Yeah, and again, it's hard to kind of like get deep in just like 200 characters. But I encourage you to try to do that, which leads us to the fourth tip. Avoid using cliches or generic phrases like, I love to have fun or I'm looking for someone who makes me laugh. This is, what I want you to do is I want you to make it, if I'm looking at your profile, I want you to make it as easy as possible for me to like, read what you wrote so that I can like respond to you with something. So you're writing something, maybe like, you can like ask me a question. Like, these are my top three favorite movies, What Are Yours? Oh my God, that's so fucking easy for me to respond to. Just like ask me questions, say interesting unique things about yourself so that I can have a response to it, you know what I mean? >> Yeah, that's a great thing to go in there with. Go in there with the idea that the information that you're putting on there is designed or should be put on there to encourage the people looking at it to interact with it. And have follow up questions to go, hey, that's a really cool photo where were you on that trip or you look like you're having so much fun. Like, what were you doing that night or whatever it may be? >> Exactly. Yeah, I'm not getting so fun. >> Yeah, those generic ones, we all are looking to have fun. >> Of course, that's a rare. >> You all would like somewhere to make, and I think you're going to want more than just the baseline things that should be in all relationships. We're going to say having fun, you know, oh, I'm looking for somebody I can trust. We all are. Now I need to know a little bit more. >> Yes. And one of my daily profile prompts, I say, 1979, true or false, 1979 by the smashing pumpkins is the best smashing pumpkin song, which is obviously it's true, isn't it true? Is it true Sarah? Yeah, yes, of course, it's true and So it's easy for you to respond you know that like better than tonight Actually, yes, it is better than tonight tonight is a great song We love tonight tonight, but 1979 because you know what puts 1979 over the top Sarah is the video Do you remember the video for it? It's like just like kids running around in the car in the like cookie mart just like being teenagers It brings back like such good memories. Yeah, I love it. I would also say it's my argument for tonight Also a great song, but you're a music video with like the moon and the Rocket ship and it's that do you remember that art that art was so good it for that time period There was like a year I think we're like that art was so fucking cool It doesn't it's a great video it doesn't hold up because that we're past that art but And now you get the nostalgia thing I gotta gotta get it best answer you gotta get it So it's easy for like see like Sarah and I can like keep on going back and forth and if you saw my profile You and I would be able to go back and forth and have this like pretend fight that's not actually a pretend fight because we know that Consumbing is the best yes, obviously Obviously So you're making it super easy for people to engage with you and You're not like putting like this generic bullshit on there is what we're saying And I feel like that number five and number six on this weekend almost Lump into the same thing. This is kind of like right in line with what we've been talking about this whole time about writing a Bio that showcases your personality and what you're looking for in a partner And while you're at it. Can we get some proper grammar spelling and punctuation again? No excuses. I totally judge somebody on that I can I'm gonna disagree with you on this Sarah One guy one guy I wrote in my bio that I loved What is the oh now I'm gonna mix them up. I loved Eddie ideology whatever was like the study of where words come from and he said I also love bugs and I was like that's entomology sir And I maybe those beings are casting but I was like next look I can't remember what word I wrote so who's really the dummy? I know so that's that's Yeah, but there's something about I mean yeah, I think it's really easy to like do good spelling and have proper grammar these days however There's something kind of endearing to me if they're like they misspell something or if they get it like there's like there's this flaw There's this imperfection also like when it comes down to it. I don't have good grammar or spelling So you know the difference between there there and there and yours and your I Do know the difference between there there and there and your and your and your but I'm also like if you get that wrong I don't fucking care like there's like it's it's not this is the first difference we've had in 30 episodes. It really is I find it sweet. I find it attractive. I'm not gonna judge you. I hope that you don't judge me Or excessive emojis I am also very into that like you seem a little bonkers like let's fuck around Do not feel that way You are fun Yeah, maybe on that field app. Yeah on fields. Yes, misspell everything all the emojis you want. Yeah, I just go for it Yeah, it is it is a lot more chill on the field app than it is on like hinge or bumble but yes, I mean When it comes down to it. I was our fifth point of well-crafted engaging bio. Yeah the bio I want to read the bio and understand what you're looking for So are you looking for a long-term relationship a short-term relationship? Are you looking for a managa miss managa Mish Polly are you anarchy? Do you know what like anarchy relationships are no that sounds terrible It's I think I don't even I'm not an expert on like what anarchy style relationship is I think it's basically what it sounds like it's just like Rolls. Yeah, like this is yeah, this is I need I should have I can't wait to see them in my office in six months And our guests they deserve love - and if they want to have their own anarchy relationship style Then I support that and it's good for me to know if that's what you're looking for because I might not be into anarchy depending on my end. Yeah, so what are you looking for? Who are you looking for and What can I expect with type of like relationship and also do we get into this? I'm not sure but like no lies right like we said this a little before but like Tell me what your height is and be honest about it tell me what your age is Don't fucking change that right there's something tell me what you're like political Religious do oh how do you feel Sarah like do you think if somebody has kids should they put on their profile that they have kids or should they Keep that to themselves for about I mean It's real thing. I think it's important to ask why you would not be putting them on there Mm-hmm is that because you are interested in a relationship where your kids are not gonna be it is it's like Separate from your role as a parent is this something where there is no interaction with them in the kids You know if you are have like joint custody shared custody and You know the kids are with whomever for X amount of time and that person is never gonna engage them or interact with them and you're just looking to hook up or what yeah Go ahead put it But if you're looking for somebody who's going to be a part of your life and is going to maybe Have a role in those children's lives Can't I important to you know like I would like to know if somebody owned a farm and their horses involved or some other animal like You know if you have like something I'm gonna end up having to take care of like if I visualize my life with you I'm okay, maybe Mm-hmm and I know children are different than barn animals, but Are they though? I don't know Really? I was like some of my friends have told me they are one of the same Feels like they're raising a farm or have a barn yard of animals Exactly, I think that's a really good point It depends what you're looking for if you're looking to bang if you're looking to hook up then it doesn't really matter I guess but if you're looking for a longer term thing then Your kid might probably should be integrated into the relationship at some point, right? Yeah, and just think that you're going to eventually have to have a conversation about anything that you You know maybe were dishonest about or yeah, like a lot of my omission something like that would you rather show all your cards or Would you rather have a maybe uncomfortable conversation down the road? Yeah, exactly and if you're not gonna put it on your profile Maybe at least mention it pretty quickly when you're starting to chat with somebody so they can just sort of like understand What's going on there because like Sarah's saying eventually you're gonna have to be honest about everything that's going on in your life Or I guess you don't have to be you can just be a big liar But you might not have like a great relationship what for are you leading with if you are leading with a bunch of lies? Then it's going to be very hard to build a relationship on trust which I feel like is the actual foundation of a relationship that you build everything else upon and If you don't have that then It's gonna be really hard to come back from that You know what I've seen more and more lately is people putting on their profiles Being really upfront that they have an STI or like they have HSV or herpes or something So they can just sort of like get that out in the open You don't have to then like maybe I guess you don't have to like think about having that like eventual conversation where it feels maybe awkward you can like filter out people that are fucking weird about it or uncomfortable or whatever So I've been seeing that a little bit more lately and I'm I'm pro that I'm super pro that I'm super pro having conversations about them super pro being an adult about all like K your person who has things going on exactly. Yeah, and I always imagine what would like 90 year old me Think and get and nine year old me would be like if you're looking for love who cares if you got to like Deal with a few of these extra things just like Exactly and if you're if you're an adult having sex Yeah, you're probably you probably have something you or you've like come across somebody that has an STI or you have an STI Like this is just like normal shit that we all go through and that we can like talk about it like adults. Yeah, let's be grownups Okay, so we number six was vetoed by therapy Jeff, but still enforced by Sarah, which is proper grammar and spelling Whatever, so maybe this is a list of nine things now So number seven, which maybe number six? Be respectful and positive in your tone and avoid negative or offensive language. I I can't tell you how many times I've gone through there and been like well that person just was dumped that person still angry at his ex girlfriends that person because So much of the tone will be like I'm looking for someone who will just let me be me or where I'm like you are working out shit from your last relationship In the text of this profile and I don't like any of it Do you know what I'm talking about? Sarah I've been that person or I've wrote shit like I would love to find somebody that can just be honest with me for once in my fucking life Or something like and I'm like wow I know what his girlfriend exactly Jeff we can read between the lines. I know that's not hard to figure out I definitely I do not veto this I support it and I do not touch people or message people that are like working shit out in their Profile but I'd love to see it. I love to laugh about it. I love to show my friends about it Yeah, I'm not like making fun of you I'm just like look at how bold and not ready these people are right now Not ready. Yeah, make your profile about you Not about the people that you don't want that is that like I think of it of like imagine you're going out to dinner And somebody's like where would you like to eat? And I'm like well, I don't like Mm-hmm tacos definitely don't want that that gives me no information and then if you just keep talking about how you don't like tacos Well, I'm trying to decide what restaurant to take you That's not gonna be helpful. So instead like this I I love sushi. I love pizza You know, it gives me some more information It does and if you are putting on your profile like I don't want any drama The people that are attracted to that are are the drama like Right like you're gonna probably attract more drama if you don't want to be with someone who like doesn't like drama You know what I mean don't put that line on your just just delete it just I don't want that's another one of those givens None of us do not and if we do then yeah They're probably putting that on there and getting it exactly It reminds me of when I was as a like a I was a preschool teacher for one year and there was this rule that said where like We weren't allowed to say no to the kids. That was the rule so instead of saying like no running in the class We'd have to say walking feet, please It was very exhausting it was really difficult to like stop saying like no And just like but it was it was a good exercise and being like instead like instead of telling me what I don't want I'm gonna tell you what I do want and it makes it a lot easier for these little three-year-olds to visualize what I'm actually Asking for they know what it is to walk they know what it is to like do nice touches They know what it is to like paint in the on the paper or whatever So that is such a good reminder to like I mean I even do that with clients when they say like don't want to be like this I don't want to be like this. Well that doesn't work. Let's talk about what you do want to be like instead, you know Yes, and then we don't want something and we say that word our brain doesn't understand don't like don't think of pink elephants Good luck with that one. What do you all think about right? So You got to get say I do want to think about blue chimpanzees Whatever it may be So if we so if you talk about what you like and what you feel positive about People like will understand what you're looking for better and also it's just like a positive more attractive vibe Right, and you probably hopefully maybe have like worked through your old relationship bullshit And you're not like projecting it onto me or the dating profile It is fun to laugh at those though Yes, oh number eight as I guess we already talked about eight a little bit includes some conversational starters or questions to initiate a Conversational and potential matches again. You're making this as easy as possible for somebody to respond to I'm shocked when I go through the profiles and I'm like Oh this person looks interesting and sweet and cute, but I have no idea what fucking message to send them because they haven't put anything on there You know what I'm gonna replace eight with Expand your search criteria So like maybe you have like only look at people that are like this tall or this short or this age range Or this yeah, just expand it because like if you were to meet somebody in real life that like checks off all the things that you like But there are two inches shorter or two inches taller than what you'd want you wouldn't even fucking notice that shit, right? Again, do you think 90-year-old you would be like hmm? Yeah, I really wish the love of my life or two inches taller be like who cares? We're all shrinking anyway. Doesn't matter Doesn't matter at all and as a person who is with a short king Do not sleep on shore men. They're the frickin best Yes, yes, so whether it's height or Or like the type of job or like that the degree like a the college degree or master's degree or I don't know political I don't know I May I'm not expanding my search criteria for political because I think I'm like yeah for most dating apps It's it's either like liberal moderate or conservative. I wish it was like progressive Yeah, I wish it was even further left but you know and and to to kind of like Separate the two those kind of things like religion and political affiliation those are things that are big important things that in a relationship are Important things to be on the same page about or at least have a discussion and know Have like an understanding that you guys have different beliefs things like that but things that are very like I Things that may bring somebody into couples therapy We have different beliefs on religion. We want kids and and I want kids and they don't You know, I don't want to live in the same place this person wants to live those big important things that might be I don't know like Relates like different lifestyles that could be possible do breakers. Yeah, big deal breakers those You don't need to compromise on but how tall they are What kind of at what kind of build that's on some words like Cares also well, so I'm gonna I agree with you 100% however I have been challenged on this A little bit recently with like somebody was interviewing me from some podcast and they're like well What about like back in the old days where like two people would get married and they would be on opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to Politics and you just sort of dealt with it. You're just like well my husband is on this end and I'm on this end and that's that I was like I mean a guess like if really if really if it's not that big of a deal the problem is that like Your political affiliation is also intertwined with your values and core beliefs and your standards and I mean I'm I don't just feel so relevant today If you believe that women should not have the right to their bodies or Gay people should not be allowed to get married. We're not gonna be cool We're not gonna like Be good in a relationship together. Yeah, so you know it like but if it's You know like We're I'm Jewish and he's calf like or something. Then maybe it's no problem. It's like you can work it out to you Yeah, I'm also think about like You I don't know how this is gonna come off, but you don't only have to Like swipe yes on like the tens like the hottest like sexiest Give those like yes eight seven sixes fives a shot like it's not all about like how good they look in that photo and also lots of us are just like not Photogenic right so some people just don't take good pictures or don't like taking photos and don't have a lot to pick from mm-hmm yes, just and I feel like in any time you go on a date any time you you Are in any sort of relationship or interaction with another person. There's something to be learned There's some information to begin like that is the point of dating not to sometimes not to find what we want But to find what we don't want be like okay, I went out with this person learned a lot about this and people can surprise you and I think just like don't Write somebody off for something that shallow and superficial that 90-year-old you would go that doesn't matter I'm telling you the best piece of it. I always have nine-year-old me living in my head going who cares? Yeah, where's that bathing suit? Who cares about that? I'm gonna think of nine-year-old Sarah whenever I need to make a decision Or 90-year-old Jeff that no, I'm thinking nine-year-old Sarah. I like her back. Um, it's very easy. Yeah Do you ever Do you If you're like if if you're interested in somebody and they're checking off a bunch of boxes, but you're not like super super attracted to them Do you still give them a chance? Do you still go on in a date with them totally and Do you do you notice yourself becoming more attracted to them as you spend time with? Does that work for you? - 100%. And there's something about humor. That's what I look for. I do not look for who has the best photo. I'm looking for who's making me laugh, who looks like they be fun and silly, and know how to be a yes and kind of person, where we can kind of have a good banter. And that is what really, I don't know, turns me on and gets me excited and makes me interested in the person I'm going out with, is if we have that good back and forth, if we have that banter, and the unfortunate thing is, some people are better at it online than others, which is why it's so important to meet in person, like if you feel like, you know, that you guys have something in common, like give people a shot, because some people are good at the online thing and some people aren't. And-- - How quick are you to meet somebody in person? - In the, I say usually I need about two or three exchanges. I do need that back and forth a little bit. I kind of get a little turned off by the guys who would be like, I don't like any of this back and forth. Let's just get like cut straight to the chase. And yeah, that's nice and everything, but I want something to talk about on our first date. I want, if you're not going to give me any questions in the profile or we haven't had a chance to just say, like, hey, you think that song is great? I think that song is great. Then it kind of feels like I have to do a lot of selling of myself on the first date, or I have to then show them who I am, or somehow be interviewing them. And I want to know a little more about somebody, but I do get that people are kind of over it if you've been doing that for a long time, or you can do the back and forth and it doesn't go anywhere. - Right. - But I can tell sometimes when I do have that back and forth exchange and then they're like, what are we doing? We just need to meet up and why are you wasting my time? And I'm like, now pass. I made a light way to hold a long time. And then I was like, I have a available Tuesday, three weeks from now. How does that look for you? - You're right, right. - And he's like, I'll take it. And I knew he was the one. (laughing) - That's funny. I like to meet sooner rather than later, but there does have to be some like rapport established through the messaging, which I think isn't very difficult. I think that like, that can probably happen. So it's hard to like weed somebody out because it's just like, well, they're good at like banter a little bit. I'm gonna go ahead and give them a chance. So what I've been doing lately, is I'm open to like phone calls before, meaning your person. - Oh, love them. Do that. - Yeah. If you really want to speed through it, you just want to like meet and I'm not quite there yet, then just let's just do a phone call. - And it'll give you those same butterflies that you go on for, 'cause like a phone call these days, oh my God, so intimate. - Right, exactly. Yeah. Okay, what is, and it's a number nine, update your profile regularly to keep it fresh and interesting. And also, this is good for daddy algorithm. Like, (laughing) they want you to be like interacting with your profile. - Oh, yes. You're updating your profile pictures a lot. They're gonna feed them to the same people who maybe swipe no before. And I've seen that before where I'm like, "I'm not already swipe on this person." Yeah. There they are again, 'cause they changed their photos. Yeah, and even just mixing up your photos may bring in a totally different, oh my God, yeah. Like, you know, pool of people. - Yeah, there's, I keep on, so like, I'm on hand and bumble right now, but on bumble, I keep on getting flagged. Like, people are reporting my profile, 'cause they think that it's a fake profile that somebody's just like pretending to be therapy Jeff. - No, it's real therapy Jeff. Do you, do you go by therapy Jeff, other? - I don't say that I'm therapy Jeff. - But come on, we all know. - But yeah, they'll see my face and be like, "Oh, that guy, I fucking know that guy." - Oh, that's like creepy, the idea that somebody, would be maybe using somebody else's photos, and then you go on a date with them and-- - I know, that's really scary. - What's the long game, man? - I think the long game is that they're like conning them and trying to scam them or something. I don't think that they'll ever, yeah, so don't fall for a fake therapy Jeff. There's only one real therapy Jeff. And that's the big job. - You'll be used that 1979 question, as like a-- - Uh-huh, yes. - Test. - Yes. (laughs) - If you come across me, then I'm gonna be talking about like 90s alternative shit way too much. And I have a warning, like listening to 90s alternative music is like my tacos. It's fucking annoying, you're going to get sick of it. I am obsessed and there's nothing I can do about it. So, so there you go. Yeah, update your profile, make daddy algorithm happy. And then number 10, be yourself and have fun. And also take a break from the apps, delete those fucking apps from your phone, delete the subscription, get off of them if you're not having fun. - Yeah, if you feel like it's, oh, I don't wanna do this, that I don't wanna do it energy will come off in the messages that you send and the dates that you go on. And you will get back the same. So, if you're feeling jaded and you're feeling like, I don't know, this is like not fun right now. - Yeah. - Don't engage. And then when you feel that, like, you know, I'm ready. I wanna go out, I wanna meet people, you'll know. 'Cause you'll like feel it. It'll feel different. It'll be a pull to put energy into that. - Exactly. Yeah, the be yourself thing is incredibly important because authenticity is hot. Sarah loves to talk about that study, right? Or like, you fall in love with somebody. But you fall in love with somebody when they're like in their element and they're being authentic to who they are. - We are most attracted to people when they're doing the thing that they love the most. When, yeah, when anybody's, well, you're gonna hate this. But when I see you like, setting up the tent and doing camp and stuff and he's like, building a fire and like, chip in a way at pieces of wood, like make kindling like, oh my God, this is, you are in your element and this is so hot. Or when he's like, doing, you know, showing me his interior design work and all the stuff that he's built, it's like, create something like this. This is so amazing. So just be you and don't be a version of yourself that you think others want. - Which is tempting to do. I understand you want everyone to think you're super cute and attractive. But we're looking for quality matches, not a lot of matches, right? So being your authentic self is incredibly important. If you're gonna find somebody who's gonna be a good fit for you. - Yes. Well, that brings us to the end of all of our questions. You know, if you guys have, or all of our advice, I should say, if you guys have questions, additional things that you wanna know about online dating or we are always taking your questions and we will make future episodes with those questions and we want you guys to feel supported in that crazy world of online dating. - Yeah, you can, - This changes everything. - Tell me. - Exactly. You can find me and Sarah on Instagram. You can slide into our DMs. We might not be able to respond to everyone of your DMs, but we're looking at those messages and those messages shape and influence the topics that we talk about here. So we'd love to see it. Also leave us a review and tell us if you think it's true or false in 1979 is the best matching common response. - Oh my gosh, yes, say that in a review. - Yeah. We'll know who Jeff is into. It's Tyler. - He's exactly as right as you. - All right, so I'll talk to you next week. - Bye. - Bye.