Ep. 99 - Build it Up, Burn it Down with Louis Ruggiero (Part 2)

All right, hey everybody, episode number 99 of the modern meeting. My name is Adam. I'm a compulsive gambler in recovery my last bet February 8th, 2022. So obviously the schedule is screwed up now because this is coming out on late Thursday. No late Wednesday, early Thursday. I told you guys episode 100 was going to be Friday, but I, bleh, I don't know. I can almost guarantee it's not going to be there on Friday. Might have to push it to Tuesday just to be safe. I'm still in Illinois heading to a conference at Southern Illinois University tomorrow and Friday. And yeah, shout out to we live in the Illinois Council on Problem Gambling. If you're listening and you're going to be at the conference at S.I.U. Come say hi. I'll be at the ICPG table. I haven't talked to you guys since Chicago, but I, I love Chicago. I would move there tomorrow. I'll tell you all about it next solo episode. I don't know when that's going to be maybe a week from Friday. We'll figure it out. But yeah, so this is the conclusion of my conversation with Lewis Regiro. In hindsight, I feel like I should have just released the whole fucking thing at once because I've had multiple people reach out and be like, where's part two? But I don't know, I feel like a two hour video on YouTube that's excessive. And I think my, my Mac would have exploded trying to process that. So it's best. And if you're listening right now and you have not heard part one, stop, stop what you're doing. Do not do yourself that to service of not hearing the first half of this epic story. So go over to episode 98. Listen to that. Then come back. And for the rest of you, welcome to the modern meeting. I was betting on UFC because UFC came back quick. Yeah. All of a sudden I was infatuated with UFC. Never like you. What's like like a UFC bet at that point. 20,000, 30,000 on 40,000. Yeah. And I bet I bet popped the bottom prelims all the way down to the mean of it. But you don't have anything coming in anymore income ones. So where are you getting the money to bet it? Only what had happened was, I don't know if I want to share this. I don't think I should share this. I was doing some things that I was not supposed to be doing for money. And we can leave it at that. Okay. And I wasn't hurting anybody. Yeah. But I was doing whatever it took at that point to keep up with the Joneses. And I was more concerned about where I was getting money to gamble and to keep up with the appearances. Then I look, I think I look back now. And like some of that sometimes I think about that that time and what really I what I really should have done was. Told my landlord I can't live like this anymore. It's COVID. I can't afford to pay you this kind of rent. Packed my bags and moved back to New York. And like really just like got honest with people and started fresh and lived at home. So rendered and instead from 2020 to 2024, I dug myself into a million dollar gambling debt hole, which you know, we can get to, but I'm paying off as we speak. So hold on. So you stayed out in L.A. till 2024? Stayed out L.A. till 2021. Okay. I broke up with my expiante. Then I started going really haywire with drinking and drugs in very early 2020. And then in May of 2021, I was like, all fucked off on drugs. I had. In March, in February, I had tried going back to treatment. I broke out after four days. I came back to L.A. and then the next week I left and went to Cartagena, Colombia and stayed for three months in a drug psychosis that I get back from from Colombia after my drug psych. Back up, back up. What the fuck does that mean? Go back to that. I was so I go to this rehab called Cerklodge in February of 2021. Okay. And I'm like, I need to get sober. My family's freaking out. My girlfriend now at the time who's my now fiancee and soon to be wife was like, you need help. And I was like, yeah, fucking great observation. Thank you so much. I go to rehab and try to fix my life again. And dude, I was going. I was looking back. I was going to please my parents, to please my girlfriend and cool my heels a little bit. I went for four days and I was like, fuck this place. I called my girlfriend. I'm like, I'm like, get me the fuck out of here. And she's like, it's not a good idea. I'm like, you're staying in my house right now. Just super addict, gaslight manipulation. If you don't get out of my, if you don't get me out of here and book me a flight, then get out of my house. And she was like, okay, I'll book you a flight. Mine's you like my, my, her name's Mia. Mia at the time was 22. Like she's like some like porn. This could all has no fucking idea what she's gotten herself into. Right. She bucks me a flight. I come home and back in LA. I'm like, I'm going to be sober. I'm not going to smoke. I'm not going to drink. I'm going to be sober. I'm going to do this. I'm going to do that. Just get off my back. Okay. Great. Two days later, my friend at the time is half Colombian. He's like, y'all, I'm going to Cartagena for a week. You should come. It's really dope. It's really dope out there. And I'm like, I always want to know to Colombia. Let's go. I tell everyone I'm going to Colombia. My mom and dad are like, if you go, we are blocking you. We do not want to speak to you again. I'm like, okay. Cool. Mia is like, if you go, you're going single and leaving you. I was like, all right, long story short, I convinced Mia to stay with me because I'm going to be sober when I go to Colombia. And then literally the first day in Colombia, she's calling me and I have fucking can pinch shit coming out of my nose. And she's like, are you sober? And I'm like, yeah, she's like, why are you lying to me? I'm like, no, no lying, no lying. She's like, there's pink shit running out of your nose. Like, I see you doing two serious now. I'm not doing two serious, I'm not. So I'm in Columbia. I basically ostracize everyone except me. I tell my parents, at you, you've never loved me the whole like craziness. Mia is like freaking out. And at the end of the week, I cancel my flight home. I'm staying. I'm going to stay here. I love it here. It's cheap to live. The drugs are cheap. The coke is absolutely fantastic. I'm not criminal. So about four weeks in, my mom had basically called Mia and said to her, please go get my son. And Mia is like, gee, like your son doesn't listen to anybody. Long story short, Mia comes out there. I'm like, oh my God. So nice to see you. So nice to have you here. Welcome to Columbia. This is our new home. So you should probably learn Spanish. Downloaders at a stone on your phone, you know? And I'm making like a joke out of this. And you know, actually, it was like a really dark time in my life person. And what I what I had learned was that about a month and I had fallen into a drug psychosis from the amount of drugs that I was I was doing. And, dude, I was like trying to buy an island out there. I was like, calling people like, yo, I need a hundred grand. I'm trying to buy this island. And I had friends who would like give me a hundred grand at that time. They were like, problem, not like giving you a hundred grand to buy an island. So I'm like, call people like, yo, I kind of borrow a hundred grand. And I'm like, yeah, for a while, like, this is the interest. I'll give you like, this is the big, but like, I got you, of course. And I'm like, I am a buying an island in Cortana. And they're like, bro, not, not giving you a fuck of all. That might be the title of part two of the zone. So I'm buying an island. Bro, Adam, Adam, they're like, they're like, I call my boy. No, he's like, you need to come home. I'm like, you need to go fuck yourself. So long story I just stay out there for about like nine weeks, whatever it was, 10 weeks. And I, yeah, I get a text from my dad's best friend who's like an uncle to me. And he's like, yo, he's also a criminal defense attorney. He's bailed, got me out of all my jams. I love him so much. He's, he's like my real life living. and angel. Um, these are just like, you know, you're either coming home or I'm coming to get you. Like, and if I had come to get you, it's not going to be pretty. So which one do you want? I was like, I was like, I'll let you know. And then the next day I woke up, I was in Bogota. And I was like, at a panic attack. I was like, what the fuck am I doing here? Oh my god, I got to get home instead of freaking out. And then I'm like, oh my god, I'm going to get drug tested as soon as I land. I got to stop doing all these drugs. I stopped doing drugs called Turkey. I booked a flight two days later. Sorry. My mom sends me a money to a book to flight home for us because I had no money left in Colombia. No money, bro. So my mom books the flights. I stopped doing drugs. I'm now going through withdrawal the day of going back to LA from Colombia, like a 12 hour travel day. And I'm basically shooting my pants and throwing up all day in the Colombian airport on the plane. You know, like it was a disaster, disaster. So I get home. We're now in April of 2021. I start throwing these massive house parties in LA during COVID. Fast forward a month later, I get evicted for throwing these house parties. And I got nowhere to go, bro. I got no money. My parents are like, just fed up. The landlord got my mom's information was calling her and being like, your son's throwing these parties. There's drugs being dealt out of the house. Like all hours of the night, all hours of the day. Like this is horrible. At least call my cousin who's in Tampa. He's sober at the time. Like, yeah, I got nowhere to go. Can I come get sober down there? And he was like, pack your bags. Come on down. Like we got you. So I go down to Tampa. I cool my heels down there for a couple months. I'm sober. I'm just like getting by sober, not working a program, but like just like working for my cousin doing construction work for his company, trying to get back in shape and just like going through the motions. So then like six months after that, being a Tampa, I'm like, I'm not going to do anything big here in Tampa. Like I'm not going to make it here. I need to go back to New York and work for the family restaurant and do all the stuff. So I come back to New York, May or October of 2021. I worked the family business for a couple of months. I don't get along with my aunt. So I quit in, I quit working the family business. I get a job at another restaurant in Manhattan. I basically become the general manager of this restaurant. Everyone loves me. The clients love me. I'm doing great. The only problem is everyone close to me thinks I'm sober and I'm drinking and doing blow every night and gambling. The generic gambling broke, the generic gambling. I'm still doing my ticket, but to like one tenth of the degree that it was that it was the landscape of the business really changed after COVID. Obama put in these regulations about like bots and buying tickets and all that stuff. So that business is like dead free. But I'm like doing like 50K here, 25K there, like little hits once a month maybe and it's all going back in New York. So I got fandall. I got draft kings. I got all these things. So I'm just loading up clips left, right? Compulsively gambling, drinking and drugging a year and a half later, I get fired from that job. That was December. Is there a reason or just drinking and drugging? Yeah. Drinking and drugging. Yeah. And I basically, I basically, that was the last time where I was just like, yo, like, I can't, I can't do this anymore. Right. And I was like, my parents were devastated. I got fired in December 18th of 2022. I had voluntarily stayed home from a family family vacation on from Christmas day to New Year's day because I wanted to make my boss as happy. And I also wanted to show my family that like, I'll miss these like family functions so I can build my career and who I want to be in like blah, blah, blah, like a fire to week before. And do I just remember for the first time ever in like this 10 year span of chaos and destruction arrests, overdoses, murder trials, all that stuff that like I was just finally done. And I was just like, man, if I wake up and keep doing this to myself year after year, build my life up for a year, burn it down, build it up, burn it down. I'm going to just wind up killing myself. Like, I'm either going to overdose or I'm going to put a bullet in my head because I can't take it anymore. And so I start making calls where I can go to treatment. If anyone would scholarship me, like, calling my network of sober connections back in LA, I had no sober sober network in New York. And I basically got a scholarship at this treatment center called Bates, Shoeva, the same one that I went to for gambling, but they also do substance abuse. And they're like, yo, we got it bad for you, come out in January and we'll give you a bed. And so I come out to LA January 3rd. I'm supposed to go to treatment January 8th. I'm still drinking and using it this time because I'm home alone. I burn my life down and I'm going to treatment. So I might as well just like, enjoy the last like couple of weeks or whatever I have left of drinking, using and gambling. And it is me still with you at this point? No, we're not. So when I move to Tampa, we broke up. Okay. But we stayed in touch and we we we saw each other a couple times and we hung out like we were always like, we're always there, but very toxic and it was just like a whatever it was like it was always like a dream for us to be together and like me not be a fucking moron. And listen, she was doing her own thing too and having fun. Like, you know, she's not an addict. So she was able to do that. So so anyways, I get out to LA and I call me on. I'm like, hey, I'm coming out to LA. Can I stay with you for three days before I go to treatment? She was like, yeah, of course you could stay here as long as you want. So like I get out to LA, me and I are partying together. We're like, it's like we're like in love, but we're like, we know it's not, but we are. Like we really had so much love for each other, but it was so unhealthy and I had done so much damage. And it was kind of like, we we're going to have so much fun and pretend we're in love and like for this like next four or five days before you would rehab. And then like, my thought was like that was going to be it. And I get a call from the treatment center like a day or two before and they're like, Hey, sorry, we have to push your bed back two days. I'm like, all right, no problem. I got two days. And to make a long story short, they can't push in a back a day or two or a day or two. And then they pushed it back to like February first. And me as like, you could stay with me as long as you want, but I'm going on this trip with a bunch of my girlfriends and these guys. And I'm like, okay, whatever. So January 22nd, I basically like did a bunch of drugs and like I like was like, I fell asleep and I started convulsing at the mouth and me I started freaking out my friends started freaking out. Like porn water and slapping me and I'm like, I'm fine, I'm fine. Well, I'm sort of sort of turned out to be like I had put an ulcer in my esophagus from all the drugs that I've been sniffing. And so I was like really bad ass and reflux when I would lay down, but I basically, you know, when I woke up and they were yelling at me, she was just like, if you want to stay in my apartment, like you have to get sober tomorrow. And like if you can't get sober, then you need to leave. And I just remember being like, wow, like literally this girl, I could do no wrong with her, bro. I walk on water with Mia and um, that was it. January 23rd, I woke up. I said, I don't I know what I have to do, bro. I've been around this program long enough to know that treatment's not going to fix me. It's going to provide me a place of insulation for 30 days in a fish bowl. But it's not going to cure me. I'm like, when I get out of there, like I need to go to AA, I need to get a sponsor. I need to do this stupid thing and work the 12 steps. And like, that's the only way I'm going to be sober, period forever. So I went to, um, I went to my first 90 days. I went to 127 AA meetings. And I got a sponsor like literally my first week. So my best friend, Jacob, Maggie, Reston, P's, he passed away a year and a half ago from an accidental overdose also. He introduced me to Mia when I met her in 2020. And he also introduced me to my sponsor. So when I got back to LA, He was trying to get sober. He had six months and he brought me to this men's stag meeting, introduced me my sponsor and said, you know, this is it. So my, I get sober. I'm not gambling. I'm trying to solve the gambling in my AAC, which for me personally didn't work. So, so about six months into my sobriety, I get me a pregnant. And we decide we're having the baby, obviously. And sober and things are great. I'm making money again. I'm like trying to build up my ticket business. It's like, go well. And because I'm not gambling like 25 grand, whatever I'm making is like astronomical and it's great and it's fantastic. And like I'm paying off some like little gambling that's I got myself into. And then we go on our baby moon. I had, I had 11 months sober, going on our baby moon. And I start gambling again on our baby moon. What's a baby moon? Like when your girl is pregnant and it's before she gives birth, you guys go on a baby moon. So you go on your, you're like, it's like your last trip together before you have a baby. Okay, so we go on a baby moon and I start gambling on our baby moon. I lose a lot of money gambling there. And then from that trip up and told my baby is born. Me as like, you got to stop once Vincent's born. I'm like, yeah, for sure. I got you no problem. I gambled from that trip up until Vincent was 10 months old. So about a full year from December of 2023 until December of 2024. I was compulsively gambling and my gambling put me into a $875,000 whole from borrowing money from friends and family and co workers and ex clients and ex co workers and, you know, the hardest part about it was I was sober the whole time. So when I was compulsively gambling and I was losing like that all the time, I could wash it away with drugs or alcohol. Some of that pain was was was numbed. This was the worst my gambling had ever been, bro. It was it was it was it was so bad. I was losing 50k a week to bookies like it was like it was nothing. I was gambling on anything and everything. I was gambling on first quarter, second quarter, first half, third quarter, fourth quarter, second half, full game. I was putting out 100 to 150,000 dollars a day in in action. I was betting on tennis. I was betting on soccer. I was betting on football, basketball, baseball. And I'm betting with bookies because sports betting in LA is illegal. So, but I'm also I'm also going to the casino for five nights a week in LA. And I'm I'm I'm dust in there. I'm fucking lose a money there. I'm just doing just now I'm hammering. I'm borrowing. I'm lying. I'm stop borrowing, right? It's borrowing to us because when we borrow money from someone when we're gambling, it's with the intention of paying it back, but in actuality. We have to get honest with ourselves and understand that that was never borrowing that was stealing. Yeah. And the lies that I told to get that money were not for what they said what I said the money was for therefore that is stealing. So I stole a robbed icon. I manipulated. I cheated. And we decide to move home with our three month old baby back to New York to be close to my family to be close closer to me as family. And I can remember all that but time I left LA I had burnt all these bookies. I had no credit with anyone. I was just so excited to get home because I could use the apps. And from May until December, I dusted off 600 grand to Caesar's sports book. And you know, it was it was really horrible. It's really it was really horrible because I missed the first 10 months of my son's life. I missed the first 10 months of my of my soon to be wife's postpartum. And I didn't realize what gambling was doing to me from the inside out and the inside out part is it took all my money. But it took everything inside of me, bro. It took my joy. It took my happiness, it took My my sadness. It took my anger. It took my frustration. It took my fear. It took my anxiety And eventually, bro, I put on about almost a hundred pounds During that time for my compulsive camp because I was just stressing it. I'm a stress eater so I was stressing and constantly all the time and You know my My my Mia was was constantly saying I need you to do this need you to do that help with the baby and I'm like yeah, yeah, I got you I could never do it because all I could do was gamble and Anytime I was awake all I could think about was where money was coming from what my next bet was gonna be who I was betting on if they Want who I was rolling it into if they lost who I was betting on and What wound up happening was I Couldn't wiggle out anymore, bro, and I Thank God every day for For how things ended because the week of Thanksgiving of 2024 I was Was contemplating where I could where I could go That would be the least traumatic place for me to kill myself for my family and I was like I can't do it in my house because then my parents can never go back to that house, but I'll drive to the beach and I'll swim out until my feet can't touch the water and then I'll just put a bullet in my head there hopefully I'll wash away and That was like the last week and then I Was praying and I was praying. I was like God please let me win a bet Please or give me an out because my life consisted of Long shot parles because I owed people so much money and my phone just ringing constantly from like 6 a.m. Until Midnight people. Where's my money? I'm coming. I'm coming. Where's my fucking money? Why are you lying to me? L what's going on? What's going on? You're a piece of shit. I'm gonna call your mom. I'm gonna call me up. I'm gonna And so the pressure of all of that bro It felt like a task to wake up and tie my shoe in the morning I would walk to 7-Eleven to get my coffee and hope that I had enough points on my 7-Eleven account to get coffee that morning I'd walk on the street and I'd see a box truck flying down first Avenue and I'm like bro, I'm too pussy to kill myself, but please hop this curb and take me out of my misery So I'm praying. Let me win a bet just let me win a 500 to $15,000 per leg so I can send this guy 5 grand this guy 5 grand have 5 grand in the clip to run it back up again. I'll keep them at bay and So the day after Thanksgiving, which is a Friday November 27 28 whatever it was I was I was gonna work and then that night we were gonna go to the beach house and that's the night I was gonna go and somehow in the beach and And my and my life and That morning I'm in men's warehouse and I'm buying suits I don't fit into any of my clothes like a hundred pounds heavier. I'll fit to any of my clothes. I have nothing to wear bro all I wore was gym shorts and sweatpants that were still too tight on me and This guy calls me as a family friend. I Ordered the 27 grand calls me and he's like I Know you're not drinking and drugging But I know you're gambling and I know you're lying to me if you don't get honest with me right fucking now Where that fucking money is I'm gonna send you to fucking present Face time screaming at me like that. I'm like whoa Calm down when I get through your money. I just need another week. You've been saying that for three fucking weeks. I know you're lying Where's the fucking money? It's like if you don't get honest with me right now I'm gonna send you to prison because it's the only place you're gonna stop terrorizing yourself and your family and I remember when he said that to me that I had had thoughts about going to prison the last like three months because I had owed So many people money and I'm not talking about street money. I'm talking about like corporate money. But like people can send me to prison for. And I remember thinking I might actually be better off going to prison. This thing might just end better if I go to prison. I'll do a year or two years that I'll come out and restart my life again. And my son will be fine. Me. I'll be fine. My family will take care of them and maybe show me a guy that she deserves to mean. I had all these fucking crazy thoughts, bro, that like living in that was all due to my gambling. So I hang up the phone on this guy. I started started crying and I walk outside the store and menswear else. I'm on the corner of 48th and Madison. And I call him back and I just brought a start. You and spewing. I'm in a million dollars with the debt. I've been compulsively gaming for 12 years. I want to kill myself. I have a plan to kill myself. I know this person, I don't have much money. I can't stop gambling. I'm betting on fucking Chinese ping pong at 3 o'clock in the morning. I can't even watch it. I watch the ball go over the screen back and forth. What am I going to do, bro? Help me. Help me. Like, please, please just give me more time. I'll get you your money. And he just was like, he was just like, this is great. It's like, this is good. He's a get your mom on the phone. No, please, bro. My mom's gonna have a stroke. I can't do this time. Or please, please, please, fine. Get your sister and get me on the phone. I said, okay, fine. I'll get someone's got better than my mom knowing. So, you know, my sister and me on the phone, my sister has holding it down. Me as a mess. But it all makes sense to me and now. It all makes sense why me couldn't, I couldn't buy diapers for $150. It all made sense why I was up all night and sleeping all day. It all made sense why no matter what I did. My phone was like this everywhere I went. It all made sense why I was just sitting in the basement. Anytime she came in question to me, I yelled at her. Got angry with her. I told her, get the fuck away. Leave me alone. Trying to make us money. It all made sense that I was compulsively gambling. And we will be right back. The modern meeting is supported by Yvive. Yvive is a digital application that is meant to be used by anybody at any stage of their gambling activity. Whether you're just starting to wonder if gambling is becoming a problem, you're actively working on changing your relationship with it or you're in full recovery. Yvive meets you wherever you are. Yvive is an accelerant for the stages of change, giving you the tools you need exactly when you need them. Yvive offers 24/7 access to interactive journaling, urge management tools, financial literacy resources, and a private community where you can connect with others who get it. It's anonymous, completely judgment free, and built by people with lived experience. And here's the best part. It's totally free. No subscriptions, no hidden costs. Yvive is funded by public health initiatives because this kind of support should be accessible to everyone. If you or someone you know is struggling with gambling, download Yvive from the App Store or Google Play. It's like having peer support in your pocket available anytime you need it. Stay in control of your gambling with Yvive. And now back to the episode. We go to the ham. We go to my parents beach house that night. To me, my sister and me, me as a mess. And you know, at that point, I had surrendered to the fact that she probably is going to take my kid and leave me because why would she stay? And my sister's like, listen, I'm going to take out a loan for a million dollars and you could pay me back. And I was just like, dude, Adam, I can't explain to you the feeling that came over that came over me. And I was just like, no, like, or this is crazy. It's crazy. Like it's done. It's over. That's it. We're going to tell mom, whatever happens happens. If I have to go to prison, I'm going to go to prison. Like, that's it. There's no more bailouts. There's, I can't wiggle out of this one. My charm, my looks, being my mom's son, and didn't matter anymore. All that mattered to me was that I just wanted to stop gambling. And the best thing that ever happened to me was knowing that there is a place for me to go to do that. And so I called Ronnie A. I said, Ronnie, how you doing, kid? You still sober? I said, yes. And you know, got almost two years. But I'm in the jackpot. And he said, oh, gambling, huh? I said, yeah, I said bad, bro, really bad. So where are you? I'm at my, I'm at the beach house. He said, all right. He's like, when you coming back, I said, Sunday, he said, okay, he's like, you're going to meet me Monday morning at a cafe, Luca, 71st and 1st. We're going to talk about everything. It's like, just add a trouble. I told that I said, okay, he's like, I, he's like, I love you. You're going to be okay. So he said, I said, thanks, Ronnie. So I didn't gamble that weekend because I had no money. And Monday morning comes and I'm meeting Ronnie around like 12, 1 o'clock. Like a casino host from Caesar's text me at like 11. She's like, she's like, hey, she's like, hey, hun saw you didn't deposit anything this weekend. Is everything okay? And I'm like, no, LOL. I have no money. She said, okay, I'm going to load you up a free bet. So she loads, she loads me up a $5,000 free bet. And long story short, I, I, with Caesar's, you can't distribute it among many bets. It's the one free bet is you have placed it on one piece of action. So I did a $5,000 for leg anytime touchdown parlay. It was to win like 300 grand or something astronomical. I was like, I'm in so much debt that like, I got to hit the jack pot. And the last leg was a chase brown touchdown Cincinnati bangles. They're on the one yard line. Fucking Joe burrow sneaks it in and chase brown pushes them in. And that was how it lost. And anyways, we get to that later. But I met with Roddy that day Tuesday night is the GA meeting. He's like, listen, you're going to come to the meeting tomorrow. You're going to go to the beginner's room. It's at 5 30. You're going to tell everyone what's going on. And I did, bro. And my recovery journey started. My last bet was Monday, December 2nd, 2024. And so into GA Tuesday night, I got up. I raised my hand. I said everything, cried and a couple of veterans in there basically took me under their wing. I got a sponsor right away. And the first like week was really figuring out how to navigate my creditors who was applying the most pressure, who would have the most severe legal consequences. And then I started making calls the second week at the at the direction of my gamblers around the sponsors calling them saying, I stole your money. I'm a compulsive gambler. I'm begging for your forgiveness. I'm begging for a 30 to 60 day moratorium. I'm going to work on a payment plan for you. You will be paid back every penny on the dollar. But I beg for your mercy and your forgiveness. I'm fighting for my life and I'm fighting for my son's life. And all of them, majority of them were like, it all makes sense. It all makes sense now. Like at least thank you for being honest. The majority of them were like so hurt and betrayed because they're close friends and family that trust in me. And then there was like one of them that like sued me and I got served and I had to go through that. And then basically, you know, I'm on the lawsuit is stable in the sense that I've worked out a payment plan for him through the courts and I pay him monthly as well. But man, my girl didn't leave me. And get married in a month and a month from today. I'm getting married. No, a month and a day, March 6th. And this lasts like 13 months in GA is the most 10 toes down in recovery I've ever been, right? Because you can't be fully in recovery and alcoholics anonymous if you're still lying, cheating and stealing and being a degenerate gambler is an anonymous, right? You're still living in lies. You're still living in secrets. You're still living in the dark. And it takes away everything good. You're just because you're not drinking and drugging doesn't mean that you're you become a changed person. The whole point of these programs is to change your way of living and thinking. It's not to just stop drinking and drugging. It's not to just stop gambling, right? The problem is me. The solution to my problem became the drinking, the drugging and the gambling. That was the only thing that turned off my brain. They have a saying in AA came from my drinking state for my thinking. And I got stinky. I got stinking thinking, bro. My thinking is always wrong off even even like like three years into sobri over a year into GA, like ideas. I still act out. And change is going to come over fully in recovery now as okay, like there's still o for me to clean, but the has stopped. Now it's like still love to do little things to me. And that's the journey recovery. But I know you want to ask me something. No, I just, I mean, that was like that was fucking draining and exhausting just to hear. I can what it was like to live. I were just going for like 40 minutes. Like I didn't stop you because I just wanted to do it. I mean, I don't even know where to begin to ask. I mean, some rapid fire questions. Um, gambling is the hidden addiction. Obviously drugs and alcohol aren't. Did everyone in your life when they would see you high, were you able to hide it or no? Like they're just like LJ's fucked up. Sometimes. Yeah. And then it was hard to hide the the oxy stuff, but I'll be fucking not out the table over Thanksgiving. Yeah. And the fact that like one thing that caught my attention that I do the same thing, you know so many specific dates about your journey, which I think is so interesting. I'll tell you why. The dates that I remember specifically are really either traumatizing. Or important. Yeah. Both are important, but like traumatizing meaning like the overdose of a friend or the arrest or the first day I went to treatment or right? Like then it's like the really important dates are like the day I got sober or you know, the day I got fired, right? Those are like really like when I look back on it those are life altering dates that just will never never leave me. And like four words I wrote like 30 minutes ago. I mean, you're lucky to be alive, bro. Yeah. I mean, just forget about talking about taking your own life. Just the physical toll that you put on your body, both with the drugs, but also the stress of the gambling. Yeah, dude, I'm lucky to be alive and I'm lucky to not be in prison or be facing any criminal charges. Yeah. And then, you know, to take it home, two more things I want to talk a little bit more in detail about recovery, but I do want to go back to this whole casino host, VIP host, you lose and fucking 2.7 million in two years. This fucking, sorry, excuse my language, this fucking bitch. Oh, honey, you didn't deposit anything. You okay? Like just take me into, you know, I know for me, right? Like so, I gambled from the age of 18 to 38. Everybody who lists the moderators knows this. I had a casino host, but like, you know, my casino host, you know, my average, if I had a really bad weekend in Vegas, like I lost like 5 grand, right? Now, once again, it's not the money doesn't matter, but those hosts treated me pretty well. I can only a fucking imagine how you were treated. But also, like how you were just like, in my opinion, how you were just fucking like, like the fire was already going and these comps, they're just throwing gasoline on the fire. That's her job. Bro, here's here's the here's I saw this. I don't know where I saw this online somewhere, but drug dealers make 80% of their money from addicts. They don't make 80% of their money from the guy that buys a bag of blow to for his wedding or sorry, that's bad analogy. Not to come. Yeah, especially. Yeah, but it buys a bag of blow for his birthday once a year. He makes money 80% of money off the guy who's buying blow every night or every single weekend or five days a week, right? Right. The casinos in the sports book aren't making money off the guys that bet like once or twice a month for for fun or the Super Bowl or this or that they're making money off the dudes who are betting seven days a week and oftentimes like until nothing is left. Yeah. And so when they see people who are depositing consistently on a daily basis, those are their guys. Those that's why you're VIP. And at no point during that $2.7 million run, did anyone ever bring up any type of like, are you okay or responsible gambling type shit? No, I had to fill out a form as to what my business was and what I was doing and where this money I was wiring in was coming from. Okay. Money laundering purposes. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Oh, yeah. You know what? You're right. That's all that I can remember every time I started out. Every time I started a new job at a casino, there's a word. There's a phrase for it. I can't remember what it's called. But yeah, it was just to make sure that people aren't money laundering. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. Anyways, I won't go down that road. But yeah, I mean, dude, I just what a what a story man and like what a you know, the last thing it's like, you know, as you were talking and it's like, you know, you have the fiance, you have the family, you have the fucking kid and it still wasn't enough to get you to stop. No. I mean. So, you know, we're going to end on a good note. And so take me through like, you know, cause obviously your mom and your dad and your sister, I mean, they've been through hell and back with you. And I can only imagine what it was like. I mean, you know, you're in fucking Columbia for 10 weeks like it. You know, and just so, but like, what has it been like the last 13 months as they are watching you on this amazing fucking comeback story? It's been relieving. I think they still worry, but for them to come down to my GA room and celebrate my one year anniversary was was absolutely incredible for them to hear guys get up and give me accolades and and to a test to the work that I put in. It's also a test to the value that I bring to the room. Was amazing. It was amazing for me to hear. And then also, obviously my podcast is amazing because you know, a lot of people reach out to my mom, but like, hey, I watch your son's podcast. I love it. Love what he's doing. And my mom was like very iffy about me doing the podcast to begin with, given her position and kind of talking about this thing. Yeah. But this is why we do it. You got to have these conversations. Yeah. So with that being said, I will say this, I had to make a decision and my decision was was this. Keep doing things the way I was doing them and eventually kill myself or end up in prison. Or fully surrender and do things that are uncomfortable that I don't want to do. But I may live a better life. And so for the purpose of gambling, I never had to do anything really that uncomfortable for alcohol. So I'm just trying to stop drinking and drugging. It was always kind of easy for me to do that. I can never stop gambling. Even when I wanted to, I can never stop gambling. Gambling, I think is my primary addiction. Don't watch sports for a year. Turn over control of your finances to someone that you love and trust. And in this instance, in the beginning, it was my sister and then my fiance took over. Self exclude. Then yourself, then yourself. So if you walk into a casino, you will be arrested for trespassing. If you try to download the app or play on the app, it will not let you in. You're banned. They block your social security number. And when you fill out that self exclusion form and it says three months, six months, whatever, one year, five years, three years, five years lifetime, you know what box you check? If you're like me, you check lifetime. Because if you're not, this is nothing. You don't check lifetime and you continue watching sports. You bet with your money, you lose your money. You bet with your mind, you will lose your fucking mind. And when you bet with your money first, You will start betting with your mind and your money. Yeah, yeah, and so I'll just I'll finish up on this Nothing took my soul the way gambling did not drugs not alcohol Gambling took my soul gambling took me to the to the end of my rope but What's available out there is this program? I know we're not supposed to talk about it. I know it's an 11th tradition, but I don't care This program has worked for me and may not work for everybody else. It's a perfect program for imperfect people Nobody in there is perfect. I don't care if they have one year five years 50 years. They're not perfect Gambleers anonymous has saved my life. Yeah, it has saved my life. It has saved my family's life It has saved my employees life I've become a better son. I've become a better brother. I've become a better father I've become a better soon-to-be husband. I've become a better boss. I've become a better person, bro yeah, and I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes this last year But the program has allowed me to take accountability and take action. How do we fix those mistakes? How else can we look at things? Because I as an addict We'll find other ways to self-destruct and until my journey has now become it's not about not drinking drugging or gambling My obsession because of working the 12 steps of gamblers anonymous my obsession to gamble has been lifted I don't think about it. I don't dream about it. I don't romanticize it. I do not want to gamble However With that being said my program now has become how do I learn to love myself? Yeah, and if you love yourself fully you will stop doing things to hurt yourself Smoke and cigarettes doing these stupid nicotine things that I fucking have in my mouth at all times in the day sex conduct Food shopping over spending All things that are still detrimental that can end with me in the jackpot again so Recovery is not linear But the only way To do this thing man for me is 12 steps 12 step program. It's alcoholics anonymous. It's gamblers anonymous Surrounding myself with men and women who have gone through the same exact thing as I have and had better their life and have stopped gambling Yeah, I went to a gambler's nomeness meeting and I saw people in there who are some worse some better But guess what they stopped fucking gambling. They have an amazing life. I saw that. I wanted it They told me what to do. I shut my fucking mouth. I took the cotton balls out of my ears I put it in my mouth and I did exactly what they said yeah, and a year and change later, bro I'm still in the hole a little under 800,000 now or chipping away It's gonna be a grind or chip away my life is amazing. I sleep good My creditors are happy most of my creditors have thanked me and say how how much they respect me and appreciate me that on the first of every month or a couple days early they get their payment without me asking yeah Yeah, that's what this program does, bro You become a man of your word in recovery. That's what recovery is about. I say I'm gonna be there five. I'm there 455. I say I'm paying you on the first you get paid on the first or the 31st not the second not the third not the seventh Not never I tell my wife I'm sorry. That means I'm sorry. It means I'm not gonna do it again. It doesn't mean I'm sorry It may happen again. It means I'm sorry. I'm not gonna do it again. Yeah Now really I'm fired up now. I love it. I love I'm fired. I could go another hour. No, but so last thing I'm gonna say and so for the people listening who are in recovery and they are staying away from a bet if they don't like GA But they are happy and and they are you know in recovery and they're doing well All good all the power to you But to the people who You know Are on Text threads that we are on to the people that we have had on our podcast to the people that Say they want to stop gambling Say that they're in recovery, but then they go back out and they come back in they go back out And the common denominator is they're not GA people Is this fucking disconnect that not only can we not get through to them because obviously It took me 20 years no one could get through to me no one could get through to you obviously for a while But on top of that there's other people in the space Who enable these people and say listen if GA is not for you it's not for you But where I get so frustrated is that These people don't give it a chance I don't even know if that's a fucking question. I just want you to like what do you think about that What I think about that is that If you want to keep living the way you're living then keep doing what you want to do If you want to live a better life Then try something that you've never tried before and It's my mother Hello my friend Adam. I'm on his podcast right now How are we doing she said hi Adam all the best big fan big fan Adam said big fan mom Adam used to be the manager of shorties across the street Remember that All right, I'll be down five minutes. I'm done. I'm almost done All right, I love you. Are you proud of me that I don't gamble drink or drug anymore She said oh my goodness. Oh my goodness totally. I love it. Am I still a pain in the ass She said very much Oh, it's awesome what a cameo we're keeping all that yeah What were we saying what were you saying um you said you want if you want to you want to keep living You want to keep living the way you're living they keep doing what you're doing yeah, you want it You want to change you want an opportunity at a better life Then try things you've never tried before yeah You can't what we say in and our Tuesday night meaning is give the program 90 days the doors swings both ways oh yes Like bro here's the deal right If you go to gamblers and anonymous and you're just as miserable as you are The first day as you are day 90 gambling's not going anywhere you could go back out and gamble Yeah, and and real quick just just for the people that I know we're gonna Listen to this and they're gonna be texting me and DM and me mad at me a couple things number one For the first three and a half years of my four years I went to GA I have not been to my old GA meeting in a while, but I do attend as GA zoom in the UK shout out to the chef field meeting on Tuesdays So there's that I I when I say GA I mean like GA needs to be the foundation You know what I mean like I don't also need to go to GA forever, but like definitely like first two years I believe everyone should incorporate A GA you don't even have to do the 12 steps. I didn't finish the 12 steps You know what I mean like I pretty much kind of did indirectly, but I didn't formally do them Second thing I'm gonna say is you know for the people that Are saying like I didn't like GA or I had a bad experience Yes for the for the for the person who walks into the dusty room with three 80-year-old guys Yes, I get it or the person or the woman who goes in and gets made uncomfortable by some dickhead making a comment Yes, I get it, but to your point Give it more time maybe don't go back to that specific meeting, but Yeah, it's just it's it's I'm telling you like anyone who's struggling anyone who Whether they want admitted or not right like it the people who are going to these zoom meetings 50 times a week But there's no structure to it and they're miserable and they're posted on Facebook that they're sad and they but they're here But they're not gambling that's not recovery You know what I mean? No, it's not fuck. I will say this. I know you got to go I gotta go I Love you. I love you. I fucking love you even that ugly ass watch her. I still love you And oh, let's go Drake. May come on. I I I will say this I'm really proud of you. I'm really proud of what you're doing and there is so many outlets for people to gamble and so many outlets for people to see how they can gamble or watch gambling There's not enough outlets for people to learn how to not gamble be happy and live a good happy joyous and free life You are one of them sir. We're ending it there. Well, it's my podcast. Let me end it. Hold on. I love you Thank you so much for watching modern meeting with Adam lions And Lewis Regiro don't gamble don't you drugs don't drink. I mean Definitely don't gamble if you want to drink and you can drink God bless you What he said you're the best brother. I love you bro. I love you too. All right. We'll be right back Holy shit All right, that was it. I mean, oh man Like I said in the episode like It's just it's it's it's exhausting just listening to that story. I Caught it. I didn't speak for like 38 minutes. Like I just let him go because I mean I felt like I was there with him. You know what I mean? Like the way he tells a story. It's just awesome But uh, but yeah Next episode for the modern meeting is episode 100 right so Let me tell you guys what the plan is. It's kind of exciting I'm gonna take a clip or or you know more like a snippet like maybe you know 30 seconds 45 60 seconds at the most Of the last 99 episodes so every single previous episode of the modern meeting there'll be some little snippet in order It's it's gonna be cool and of course, you know That's just classic me like wanting to do something that's gonna take me a long fucking time So that's why I said I just don't know if it's gonna be there for Friday. I'm gonna try But let's just say worst case scenario Tuesday. Maybe I'll surprise you guys over the weekend But yes, thank you to Lewis Nothing's off the table is the podcast and the YouTube channel go follow him if you haven't and Yeah, I gotta go to bed. I gotta be up at 7 30 in the morning. Appreciate all the support I'm excited to come home. I miss my cat We'll see you on the other side You