Ep. #733: David Sedaris, Ian Bremmer, Hagar Chemali

Welcome to an HBO podcast, from the HBO late night series Real Time with Bill Maugh. Thank you, people, how you doing? Oh, right, so many friendly faces. Thank you, people. I appreciate it. Thank you. Okay. Wow. Oh, yes. We're still here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Let me start with this. Any New Yorkers here tonight? Any New Yorkers? Yes, we saw the greatest come from behind team ever, this week. I'm talking about the negotiators for Iran, unfortunately. But the Knicks were fantastic, too. I mean, yes, the Knicks did that. My team, my team that I've been with since 1973, I was in high school the last time they did. I was wavoured on the Knicks, so this is important to me, Game 5. I didn't do anything but suffer, so. But thank you. But Game 5 is tomorrow night, and Trump is not going. He went to Game 3, and they lost, and you know, no, this, well, look, the Knicks had a 13 game winning streak in the playoffs. I'm not saying he made them lose. I am saying I'm offering a million dollars not to go to this game. That's a joke, by the way. Please. That is a joke, because last time I offered money like that, I got sued. So that's a joke, complete joke, judge, whoever's going to see the. And the Knick came, he went to, he brought his granddaughter Kai, and this is unfortunate. And of course, when they showed him on the cam, the cold crowd, booed. And it was a very tender moment when he said to where, I'm sorry, they booing you, honey. And a little controversy, a little controversy here. The next day, a video was posted of this, and the booing, magically gone. And we don't know who did this, but the speculation is going to either Kashpatel or Pete Hague Seth, because if anyone knows how to make booze disappear. There you go. Why didn't do that one at the end? You have to think for a second, you can't finish with one of those thinkers. But not a lot of sports going on, the world cup is here in LA, most of the world. Yeah, most of the world consider soccer the number one sport. Here it's where you put your kids when you don't want to pay for daycare. I don't get the attraction of soccer, I don't, there's more scoring in Bible camp, but okay. You love it, you love it, and I'm glad you have it. But the really big sporting event is this weekend, you know, I'm sure you know what's going on. Our redneck president is turning 80. And to celebrate, there is a UFC fight on the lawn. So the emperor is holding gladiator games on his birthday. Nothing to say here. I wouldn't think about it too much. Don't worry about it. And hopefully the big fight will also serve as a celebration for a peace deal with the ran, which the president says is imminent, but he says that every week. They counted now. He has said it 38 times, 38 times. You know, last week, the same thing, it started with we have a peace deal, and then by the end of the week we're going to hit him very hard. All caps are very hard, we're going to hit him. And then he thought about it with himself. And when back to peace, do we even really need a ran in this war? I mean, really do it. Every time they pipe up, he says, "Who asked you to stay out of it?" But Trump said, "If you don't agree," said to Iran, "If they don't agree to this peace deal, they will pay the price." Pay the price. Gas is $6 a gallon out here. The Iranians who pay the price are living in Beverly Hills. Okay, that's -- (laughter) And every week -- every week as the president gets more frustrated, he blames somebody else. Last week it was Oman. Oman. They were like, "Oh, man, what'd we do?" This week it's the courage. The courage. He said, "The courage let us down, and I won't forget courage." We've gone from threatening every country in the world to threatening somebody who just wants to be a country. There are the courage. There are the waiting shit list. But none of that will be remembered in the future. What we were remembered in the future from this week is what happened in the stock market today. SpaceX, are you familiar? That's -- yes, the company. Elon, one of Elon Musk companies, went to initial public offering. You can buy stock at it now. Biggest one ever, and Elon is now a trillionaire. No, I give Elon his prop -- he has created amazing things. Yes, SpaceX is amazing. So it was Tesla, Nourling, Starlink. Elon owns a company that can rewire your brain. It's called Twitter. (laughter and applause) I'm not a trillionaire. I mean, now, Elon says he will use his wealth to get to Mars, because he believes one thing above all, if you have to leave Earth to avoid California taxes, you do what you have to do. (laughter and applause) Thank you very much for your great show, Ian Bremmer, and Hagar Hashemali here. First up, he is a contributor for the New Yorker and author of the number one bestselling book of essays, "The Land of His People," one of the funniest people on Earth. David Sedera is on the air. (cheers and applause) I knew it. I knew you would. That's how long you've gone. (cheers and applause) And what? Lately, I like to wear a pile of clothes. That's just my thing. This pussy bow, it comes to the ground. Sometimes they don't tie it, and I just leave it dangling. But we decided backstage you would look good tying. What is that? Is it a shirt? It's a shirt with a massive pussy bow attached to it. A pussy bow is like an oversized bow. That's a term people know. It's a term. It's a perfectly polite term. In the heterosexual community also? I don't know. I never heard of it, but. So, the book is number one, as it should be, my straw. You've done it again. (cheers and applause) I guess that does. I mean, I loved it as I love all your books. Do you think that more interesting things just happen to you? Or do you just see things we all see and make them interesting? I think it's probably a lot of the second, but seems to be a little bit of the first. You seem to put yourself in places where interesting things happen that prompt these awesome essays. I think I just have a notebook. I think that's the only difference. I mean, most people they see things, and they forget about it. But I have a notebook, and I just write it down. Well, you remember? But you also say at one point, and so many things I do relate to, because we're about the same age, that, you know, at one point you move to New York. Right. And you did things we're not going well. And you were going to go back to Chicago. But you don't want to go back and, you know, we don't want to face that. Or you didn't make it in the big city. Yeah, that'd be the worst. Right. And you say, the one reason you wanted to stay in New York is, there's just a lot more chance if you're walking around New York, you see weird shit. Right. You see interesting stuff that's going to prompt a story. Yeah, just things that you could possibly write about. But I don't know. I feel like it can really happen anywhere. You know, if you, just, most people are just looking at their phone. That's a difference. I'm the only one not looking at my phone. But now when I look around, this is what I see. People looking at my phone. at their phone. Right, and you go, but you go all over the world. I mean this one, I mean the stories about the safari, I thought was fascinating, where you didn't take any pictures. Probably the first person who never took a picture. It seems so disappointed. And then we'd say get out your camera, and I just didn't, I don't just don't care. Again, we're the same age, so that's how I think. I'm really going to forget the hippo. You know, I have a camera up here. I've had it my whole life. I mean, there was a long time we didn't need that camera when we just would take a picture with our mind. But the other thing I kind of related to is you said you went to Zanzibar, right? Yeah. And you couldn't help forget that there was such an income gap between the tourists and the people who live there. That's why I don't go to. When we stayed at this resort and then we found out when we got there that the town that they cut off the electricity for two weeks for people on the island. I mean, it was insanely hot and humid and they didn't even have fans. And then they said don't worry, the resort has generators. And then you felt even kind of worse. And then you'd go on the beach and people would try to sell you stuff. And even when you were in the water, they would try to sell you things. So I couldn't wait to eat. I don't go to places like that. I just feel guilty the whole time. Well, Hawaii is the only place where you go. But Hawaii is. And it's people in the state of America. Yeah, you know, they're doing quite well. But if you want to go to a hot place, if you want to go to a hot place in the winter, most, most places are sad, you know, are sad exactly. And also you tell a story which exactly what happened to me in Mexico once, which you get into a cab. I mean, this happened to you in Zanzibar, it happened to me in Mexico. And the cab driver, you say, how long? How is it? How much to get to? And he says it's a 30,000 pesos thing. And you get there. Thank you. That'll be 90,000 pesos. And you wait, you said, no, you must have misheard me. And we both know that he's lying. Right. And then you feel like, I'm just going to give you that as a tip. Right. I wouldn't have to rip me off. I would have given it to you anyway. And then you think, you don't have any electricity. And the snails in Zanzibar, they're like that big. That's all really they have to offer in terms of like just really big snails. You only really have the only reason to go and the beach and the weather and the beach. But again, you're in the water and people are trying to sell you shit in the water. In the water. No, I'm not. I know. If I may, I think that it's fantastic that you're winning the Mark Twintone. Last time, last time I was here, I predicted that Jeff Foxway, for Jeff Foxway, they was going to get it next, you know, because Kennedy Center had been taken over. So where's the ceremony then? At the Kennedy Center. Oh, it's going to be at the Kennedy Center. Well, let's not talk about it too much. We don't know what's going to happen. I mean, at one point it was canceled, you know, the president tried to stop it and then we were back on and then then a judge ruled that let's fucking not talk about it. Please, because it could only make it worse, you know. But do you put things up? Like, let's say if you get it, we display it in your home or no. There's plenty of room on the mantle. Let's talk about you. And we're here to talk about your book, not my long award history. But one thing I love about it is you never sent a mental, you know, this one moment I feel like you allowed yourself. You're talking about the fact that you didn't know this. I read this, you've actually been secretly married for 10 years. Yeah. And at the very end of it, you allow yourself a nice word about your husband. He's so controlling but he's so handsome. It's the only little moment I find like that because that's what I love about you. Well, I didn't want, I'm the only reason. It was a shotgun wedding arranged by my banker. I think it's completely unfair. I think it's unfair that married people get in kind of tax break because what if you're like just really ugly and nobody wants that marry you or have sex? Why should you be financially penalized? So I think they should get rid of the tax break for everybody. For, you know, instead of make, yeah, get rid of it for a married people. I couldn't agree more. I mean, it's the only reason I did it. And then when people say congratulations, I don't, I don't know what they're talking about. It takes me a minute. And then you're mirage. Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, I always thought the coolest thing about being gay was that you couldn't get married. I wanted, I wanted, I wanted gay people to fight for the right to marry and then not a single one of them to do it. I thought that was right. How's the love that you say you hate when people use the term like my person, you know, they used to say that, you know, right, that people, it used to be my soulmate and then it was my person. But what are the odds out of the billions of people who live in the world that your one person lives in your same apartment complex? It's always so. Or goes to your community college. So I don't feel like he was, that's my, I can't even say, I identify as a boyfriend, even though I'm a husband, I identify as a boyfriend. I wouldn't be sad if he died. Right. If he died, I'd be sad. That's enough. That's enough. Yeah. That's that's that's all you would need at this hour of money. Yeah. If I was going to get married, I'd be like, I'm, he said, if you died. Okay. So before we run out of time, at the, the best story and the, the best one in the, I think in the book, maybe the best of the year, the decade, this is just an immaculate story, the one about the dog. Well, you're a little dog too. First of all, perfect title for the story. Just tell him a little bit. You're in Portland, which is a, you know, let's call it a peak woke city during peak wokeness. It went crazy. Right. I mean, like police were the enemy and all that stuff. They've retrenched that. And you got bit by a, you know, you can walk down the street there. And there's a lot of fence and all addicts that are just out and about. Right. And one of their dogs bit you. And the people around there sided with the addict and the dog. I got it. They were like, they're still better off. And I think it's still better off than you. And like the sad part is that there's no good place for these animals. And you were like, is that really the sad part? Because do you see this bite hole in my leg? Nobody said, how awful that you got bit by dog. They said, what kind of a dog was it? One person said, did you get the names? And I said over their fentanyl. I said, we're going to give me their names. No, one of the dogs. It would have to most be them. And it was, but if I had said, if I had said I was walking on the street and these tech bros, I don't usually use words like that, had a dog and a bit me. They'd be incensed. But because they were drug addicts, then everybody took their side. They felt like they couldn't say that it was, they treated me like it was my fault. Or you just, well, that's the way it goes. You're better off than they are. I get to, I think, what is just the heart of so much of our fucked up politics. You say, why is it so hard for people like this to say that it's wrong for a drug addict's dog to bite you? And your answer is, because then, oh, then you're a Republican, which is crazy, because then it puts the Democrats in the position of the pro drug addict dogbiders. Well, I got a letter from this woman and she was walking after dark and a man was following behind her. And she turned around and said, can I help you? He said, I'm homeless. Do you have some money? She said, I don't have any money on me. She kept walking. He followed her. She turned around. She said, this really make me uncomfortable. He said, I also take cash app. She said, I don't have that either. When she told people the story, they said, you don't have cash app. Like, that was the whole. Thank you, Maestro. Thank you. See you. David Sedaris. As always, laugh your ass off with the reading. All right. Let's read our title. Hey, how are you? All right. He is the founder, president and founder of Eurasia Group, and Jesus, a media in Bremmer, and she is the former spokesperson of the U.S. mission of the UN co-founder of the Lebanon, Israel Peace Alliance, and host of YouTube's, oh, my world, Hagar, Shemali. Great to see you. Thank you for the first time. We're going to start with the big economic news, because I feel like, even though it's a big story today, it is not big enough story. I mean, initial public offering, if people don't follow economics, that's where something goes public. It's been, SpaceX has been around for a while, right? Okay, and it does other things besides send rockets to space, right? Doesn't it do the satellites he has? Okay, so it's a viable company. It's worth a lot of money. 1.77 trillion, is it worth? What happened to irrational exuberant? This is, first of all, it's insane. over 4,000 people who work for the company. in the past became millionaires, not just Elon becoming. Elon shares now worth $866 billion. That's on top of the money he already had from his other companies. This is really AI money, first of all, right? Is that what they're really investing in? Is that what, okay. And then is it gonna be like five people who have all the money in the world? And can you be a good capitalist? Here's my quote, can you be a good capitalist as I think I am, or a believer in capitalism, and still think there should be some cap on wealth. - Well, you have to, Americans believe that people should be able to make it. They should be successful. It's one of the things that really makes our country work. We don't think necessarily that someone who's worth a hundred million, even a billion, maybe even a trillion, is necessarily a bad thing where many other countries they do. But there has to be opportunity for the average American and their kids to get there. And the fact that we, you saw Graham Platner came out immediately today. There should never be another trillionaire. You know, you see Elizabeth Warren, you'll see Rob Reich, every billionaire is a policy failure. That reflects the fact that a whole bunch of Americans feel like they don't trust their leaders. They don't trust these elites that Elon, the first trillionaire, also happens to be the person that gave the most money to the Trump administration, $250 million. They don't feel like that's a coincidence. And they don't have that kind of access, no matter how smart they are, no matter how hard they work. So, for me, it's not about the money. For me, it's about the lack of mobility, the lack of opportunity, the fact that we don't believe in the matter. Do you have a trillionaire? I don't really have a problem with it because, I don't have a problem with how these billionaires and now single trillionaire made their money because they've grown these companies, they've built them. But you know, the wealth gap that you're talking about, it's important because you don't want people to feel that their very real economic suffering is because of the billionaires. You want it when the tides rise, that all the boats rise with it, right? And I think that there's a danger in viewing the billionaires as the problem, because then it leads from their people to say, it's our economic system that isn't working. Therefore, it's capitalism that isn't working. And the problem with that, and you're already seeing those seeds being planted, right? I'm Donnie, that's his big arguments about socials and things like that. And the thing is, what you need certain regulations, certain maybe it's taxes, maybe things that can indicate to people, it's not because of billionaires. The billionaires are doing business and innovation and hopefully that has job growth. It's other ways that you want them to believe that there's opportunity that they can pursue, but it's not because of the billionaires. Okay, will you guys keep saying billionaires in the story today? It's brilliant. Fair. Okay, can we just get real about this? A trillion, would it be crazy to have a law that said, you can't go above 1% of gross domestic product, gross national product? You as one person, because when John D. Rockefeller reached that, they did make laws. 1%, I think it's still a pretty big flex if you're trying to pick up a woman. But I'm happy. You know, if you're like, what do you drive? What do I drive? I'm worth 1% of the United States. That's me, I mean, even that is money that no one could possibly spend. I just think things get so out of whack. And again, he's not going to be the last one. I think the other four or five AI. Is that making it? You know, on the spectrum types. Yeah. I just don't see this turning out well. I think it's the lack of trust. I think when you had Bill Gates and when you had Warren Buffett, and they were not only making billions and tens of billions of dollars, even a hundred billion dollars, which back then felt like real money, they were also doing things to change the world. They were showing that they cared. We have a story about trust and inequality right now in my city, in New York City, with this team, right? (audience laughing) We've got 10,000, 10,000 dollars to get in it, right? A hundred, two hundred thousand dollars to sit just right there in the front row. And yet everyone in New York, every single person, stat and island, New Jersey, the Bronx, they're rooting. Why are they rooting? First of all, because they feel like they have a connection to the team. Second of all, because the star, Jaylen Brunson, who is extraordinary, gave up over a hundred million dollars so that he could actually get more money that the rest of the team could benefit from. And they play like a team. So it's not that Americans have a problem with people making a lot of money, but you've got to have some stake in it. You've got to have a part of it, and that's why we want the nicks to go in five. (audience applauding) - I never used props by the way, I thought, today we needed two. - What a winner that was. (audience laughing) But one seat went for a million. They sold a court side seat for a million dollars. And by the way, I thought this was so interesting. Trump, only like two weeks ago, was talking about, he sounded almost exactly like what I've said about sports, and the way it has migrated to streaming, you have to buy all these streaming channels, you have to hunt for the game, cost you a lot of money, they work worse. And he said there's something very sad when they take football away from many, many people, very sad, I don't like it. He said they're making a lot of money, they could make a little bit less. You got people who live for Sunday, and then all of a sudden they're gonna have to pay a thousand dollars a game, exactly. Then they asked him at the game the other day, the cheapest price that reporters said for the game going in is eight thousand dollars. Every day Americans can't afford these sporting events. I expected him to say this, what he heard he said about sports. He said, "Well, they can watch it on television, but that's the way life goes." (audience laughing) This is my point about Trump. Keep talking to him, because he has no fixed beliefs, other than wind is bad and tariffs are good. (audience laughing) - He's not very principled. - Your modest will be the last person who has his ear, because you know he went from, it's terrible to that. Fuck you. (audience laughing) Sucks to be you, that story life goes. (audience applauding) Let me get back to something you were talking about, which is because people, yes, Jalen Brunson did give up money. He's also got being paid hundreds of millions of dollars. - Yes, and a lot of Americans are doing well. You know, when people say, "Oh, lucky, it's a lucky money." The upper middle class has grown three times. It's like a third of the country who are doing very well. That's still two-thirds that aren't doing that great. Okay, but it's enough to make people think, I could be one of them, you know? Okay, so they have a slogan now that is catching on. It's ironic, because it started on the right, and now it's migrated to the left. And that's the Epstein class. Let's not forget where Epstein obsession started, QAnon, I remember when I was doing jokes about it, QAnon, they're nuts, and by the way, they are nuts. They think Democrats eat babies. They went after me as a pedophile, because they got a picture of me with red shoes. Red shoes equals a pedophile, you know, they're. But they were, I see a Pope. Right, well, the member. Well, obviously, pedophile and chief. I mean, not the present one, but the present one. But I guess that's where they got it from, I don't know, and the shoes were burgundy, by the way. That point is, they. I think they're onto something here. That's what the left now is using this term, the Epstein class. And what they mean by that are people who just. These elites, they can be on both sides. Trump was good friends with Epstein, and so is Bill Clinton. It is a non-partisan thing to a degree. It is a group of. Are getting away with murder. Right. It's not that they're making it through their intelligence and their capacity is that they're networked, and therefore it's a two-tier system. The legal system doesn't apply to them. The judicial system doesn't apply to them. The political system works for them because they captured. If America becomes a coin-operated democracy, you will see pitchforks. And the Epstein class is a reaction on the left, just as it was a tagline drain the swamp for Trump until he decided that he wanted to get his and billions and billions of dollars that they're making because of connections through power, right? I mean, you tell me that world-liberty financial is worth all of those billions, that that is because they just happen to be brilliant, or because they happen to be in a position of power, he shouldn't be making billions. No. I think it's fair issues, what I'm saying, you think? I'm not trying to say, I believe this term, the Epstein class, I understand it because what they're trying to say is billionaires that get away with murder, basically. I mean, as you said, but get away with everything. They're infiltrating politics, they're influencing politics, how people vote and so on. The thing is, you know where else we used to see this idea or view that this is the fault of the elite? This is the elites, my suffering is because of the elite. It's the elites fault, I can't move ahead because of the elite, that's a very dangerous road to go down because they're laying blame in the wrong place. And that's why I would love to see our government take control more, perhaps maybe I don't know if the what shaving the 1% like you said, maybe there's a cap. I don't love the idea of a cap. No, I didn't say 1%. I said, worth 1% of gross marginal product. Yes, fair. That's different than the 1%. Fair, but then-- I'm off for money. Does that money go to the government? Are we sure we can trust the government with what they're going to do with that money? I think to your point, it's better to have, if you can in still, that social contract, where you have people who are pursuing charity, and you have a lot of those billionaires who are doing that, who believe in donating a large portion of their wealth. who've signed these pledges for that. And so I'm trying to say is I don't think they should all be labeled the Epstein class. I think there's a danger. - Well, they're not all in the Epstein class. It's just, they're just people. I call them the shark soup people. You know, the people, you know, it's illegal to have shark soup. It's a kill sharks for soup. But people do it. And I bet you the soup tastes like shit. It's just that we can do it. - We can't. - We can get away with it. Just that we can Epstein with the young girls on the out. We can do it. Nobody's going to stop us. That's, this is where I-- - Epstein class is a big piece of it because it's the sense of corruption, the sense of entitlement that we will never have access to. But it's also American young people right now are more skeptical about AI than almost any other country in the world. And it's because they think that they're being lied to. They think that this technology that's been rolled out is going to take jobs away from them, take opportunities away from them, and their leaders will not give them a shot, right? The generation alpha is going to become generation f'd, right? That's not going to get you anything but pitchforks. And what we've seen is when there's high inflation, and we see when there's mistrust on these issues, they vote the bombs out. - Yeah. - That's what you're going to see happening in the midterms. - Well, we'll see. I just do think this is migrating to the left. It's their issue. Trump said he would drain the swamp and he bottled it, basically. - Oh, yes. - They've known it. - Yeah. - All right. So listen, it is June. June is wedding season. Anyone here getting married this month? It's always a, you know, I love weddings. Just not mine. No, because they're funny. And one of the, they aren't. One of the thing that's funny about them is that somebody is always making the wedding toast and it's always inappropriate. And we thought as a public service, because you know, they have a coup drinks in them and they're caught up in the moment. And then it just ruins the whole way. Thought as a public service, we would like to offer it. If you're one of the people. Things not to say if you're giving the wedding. Would you like to hear those? All right, come on. Let's do it just like they do at the wedding. They're good. We're coming up and they're, they're saying, okay, separate. For example, don't say, I first met the bride in college during her lesbian phase. (audience laughing) Don't say that. I don't know. There's another one, don't say. For the bride in groom, it was love at first sight. So don't ever say nothing good ever happens on only fans. (audience laughing) And don't, don't, don't forget your other marriages. I've got a really good feeling about this one. (audience laughing) Don't say, if she kisses half as good as her mom, I think you two are gonna be okay. (audience cheering) Don't say, these two are proof that there really is someone for everyone in this world. (audience laughing) But damn, that's gonna be one ugly baby. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Am I crazy or is this, who's the stripper at the bachelor party in the wedding plan or the same chick? Is that? (audience laughing) And whatever you do, don't say. And to the groom, I apologize. Apparently I was wrong, you can pray away the gay. All right, let's go. (audience cheering) Now back to the issues. (audience laughing) All right, let's do it this week. We have to, it's the law, talk about Iran. Yeah. Look, I don't know what the latest is. And even if you told me what it was, I wouldn't believe you, because it's just the same thing. It's just Groundhog Day. All these things I heard, now we're gonna have a, for sure we're gonna have a deal and a peace signing. I mean, there's no way out of this for him, for Trump. I mean, it's the only way out is if he comes up with a deal that's better than the one Obama got. Right. And the only way to do that is with a full on invasion and he doesn't wanna do that. What does he do? He's looking for an off-ramp right now, right now. It's very clear he's desperate for a deal. Yeah. He's desperate for a deal. He is showing his cards, the Iranian regime very much knows that. And he's trying to achieve all these goals at once. He's trying to communicate to the American public. Don't worry about gas prices. They're gonna go down soon. I'm cutting a deal. The deal's coming close. We're gonna be this weekend, et cetera. And we're seeing this over and over and over again, as you said. He's trying-- Was that your Trump impersonation? I could do a better one. I wasn't ready for that. He's coming. Everyone can do it. He's also trying to communicate to the Iranian regime and, and, and such as muscles and say, and, and back his language with the threat of force, which I don't believe he's going to actually carry through on those threats anymore. He's also trying to placate the Gulf. The Gulf allies are really trying to encourage him, not to go back into war, to make a deal of some kind. That's why he's put Jared Kushner now on this, on this process. The problem is he's best desperate to come to a deal while also trying to make it look like it's not the same as the Obama deal, which he spent forever criticizing. And I'm, I'm personally worried about where this deal is headed. I work a lot on Lebanon, Israel, as you mentioned, and I'm afraid Lebanon will get sold to Iran. I'm afraid about sanctions relief, sanctions relief. I sound like a sanctions monger. There's a dissension I don't like. But I'm afraid that if he gives sanctions relief, it's too strong. It's going to fund all the proxies. But he's, he wants to move on. He's bored. He said that. He has said it enough. Frankly, I'm bored with the talking points as well, but you know who's not bored or the Iranian people who have been suffering under this regime, who have had families at victims who lost and slaughtered 40, 30 to 40,000 of them. And they're watching to see what happens. Yeah, I mean, he took a shot at a festering problem. It didn't work, not even close, not close. Because, first of all, I think they just did it the wrong time. If they did it when the people were in the streets, maybe the uprising would have happened. They waited till everybody got slaughtered and then sat around for a couple of months and then did it. So they fucked up the whole thing. I love to believe that. I hope that that's true. I don't think it is. But we'll never know. We are. We are. Yeah, exactly. Look, I'm with you right at the beginning. This-- the headlines every week are the same. They're relentless. Is there a deal? Isn't there a deal? But there are some really big long-term things that have already happened that we can talk about. So, for example, OPEC is over. The Emirates have pulled out. And that means that they want to produce as much oil as humanly possible, because they don't want that to be a stranded asset. They know it's not going to be worth so much over time. They want to become a global node as a city state. That's, by the way, that's a monopoly. It's a cartel over energy, over fossil fuel energy that is not good for anybody. Glad to see them go. The Americans are the largest producer in the world right now. That's number one. That's a big thing that has happened, not because Trump was planning it, but it matters. Second good. Yeah, well, also, they're building pipelines now. Right. I mean, again, he does things in such a clumsy way and sometimes fumbles forward to a good result. That's right. And they are built, because the straight or her moves, will never be as strategically important as it is now, because they got the memo. As we got to build-- We got to send the oil the other way through pipelines. So when the Chinese hit back hard and put that gun on the table, said critical minerals, we're going to shut you down. We didn't think they could. As soon as they did it, what do we all do? Start investing critical minerals. In five, 10 years, they can't use that again. It's exactly what's happening in response to the Iranians. The Emirates built a new pipeline. But the most important thing is people move away from oil and gas. It is electric vehicles. It's solar, because we now know not just in that straight, but in Malacca, the Houthis in the Red Sea, you take some drones and you can hold a $110 trillion economy to ransom. So it turns out, orange is the new green. Trump is going to end up going down as the president has done more for renewable energy than any president in history. [APPLAUSE] So that's our strategy, cut and stay. Well, I think in the big picture, people just-- I mean, the reason why he lost part of his coalition is because they thought he ran on America first. And when he thought America first meant America has been too generous to a lot of countries, they thought. And some of that was true, I'm sure. They all thought we were too overextended. And they wanted to pull back. And now we're not doing that. Another thing that worked out, actually-- I don't think it was necessarily the way he intended, but he certainly could get some credit for it. He wanted European countries to pay more. And to take-- Clinton once made a speech inside America was the indispensable nation. And Trump was like, yeah, we don't want to be. Why do we have to be indispensable? OK, I mean, I kind of like that when we were indispensable. And I would like to think there are things about us that are indispensable. But there was truth to that, too. They-- he was right. European countries could step up, and they did step up. Germany is spending more money, I think, now on their defense than they have in, like, 40 years, in one year. I get put in a little more credit for that than Trump, but Trump deserves some credit for that. Right, yeah. The biggest Putin threatened. And he said, well, this is a European problem. And not like we haven't already given a hell of a lot of money to Ukraine. Have we given something like $170 billion already? OK. And then we kind of stopped, which was wrong. And, you know, his big line, he said it about the Iran war, too, at one point he said, the Iranians don't seem to realize they have no cards. exact same thing he said to Zalinsky. Well, both of them have cards, or not the only one with cards. He just manifests these things. They're big and for a deal. No, they're not. Just because you say it doesn't mean it's going to happen, that's the problem we have. But the cards thing, tell me what you thought about that is, that this idea that Ukraine, which is apropos to your hat, the biggest comeback since the next. Oh, my God. I mean, did any of us think-- [APPLAUSE] I didn't think Ukraine could beat Russia, but they did. It turns out that necessity is the mother of invention. These guys are getting very serious about it, not like the Europeans. And let's go back to Elon for a second. Starlink, he shut Starlink off for the Russians back in February, which means that they're drones no longer working. And now, the Ukrainians, without people on the front lines, are able to actually take territory. And that is a very serious change. Ukrainians have a hell of a lot of cards right now. And they're putting a lot more threat against the Kremlin. The Kremlin is presently putting on Kiev. And Trump should back a winner here. So you'd like to see him engaging a little bit more with-- I'm not expecting an apology. I'm not expecting a thank you for doing all of that. As President Vance would say. But the Americans might want to pivot a little bit towards a winner. So yeah. [APPLAUSE] Yeah. That's the one thing he would understand, his winners. And so Lensky doesn't need an apology. Winning is the best apology there is. And I mean, where are we a year from now in this war in Ukraine? I mean, it could be-- I mean, Russia can't just constantly put people into this meat grinder. How many people do they have left? They emptied the prisons. They-- you know, they got all the drags of society, put them as cannon fodder on the front line. Who's left to fight this war? Russia could go for a while, though. And dictators do that, right? They sustain a lot. They don't care as much about. They certainly have no value for human life. We already know that. And they have constant a feed, not just from prisons, but from other countries, North Korea, China. They have ways of fueling this machine. But your point about Elon Musk is major, because this is really what shifted things for the Ukrainians. Because Russia is now going into the front lines blind, whereas the Ukrainians see everything. Now, in a year-- I mean, who's to say? Because there's a peace process, allegedly, or a deal, and Putin said that he's going to do this. He's offering talks. Zelensky, the administration, is overseeing it under Steve Woodcoff, I believe. But I-- you know, who knows which way to go. But I actually have-- I have some hope for this one, even because there's a-- because all of these-- the Ukrainians are being very creative. And they're finding ways to push the Russians back up against the wall. And that, by the way, in Iran would be the same. The only way you're going to get a deal that you really-- any deal that you could try to fashion that would work in our favor and in our national security interests is if you have their backs up against the wall. Otherwise, Russia and Iran, similarly, they're just looking to survive, as long as possible. Outlast Trump, out-- get to the next leader, last as long as possible, without collapsing. And dictatorships have a way to do that for very long time. Do you remember-- I wonder if the world will take note that, no matter what form of government you are, if you're Goliath, it doesn't mean you win. That's right. It doesn't mean you win just because you're bigger and your budget is a zillion times more and you have more of this and more weapons and more of that. It's going to be a stalemate. The good news is that the Chinese are seeing that, and they understand that for Taiwan, for South China Sea. Their lesson is, you know, this could actually go very badly for us with a military that's been hallowed out and that we haven't actually engaged in fighting for decades. The issue, though, is that Putin himself-- he's not getting any younger. He looks pretty bad. He's spending most of his time isolated, right? Not with good advisers around him. His former bodyguard is one of his top national security advisers right now. I worry a lot that his things get worse, especially if Zelensky is able to bring that direct threat to him and his inner circle. But that's when you get something really bad. Yeah, he can last for a long time. But there are very few constraints on him. The Chinese really recognize that this is going badly. Putin just went over there and a couple Chinese leaders told me right after the meeting, they said, yeah, we know this is going badly. We want a ceasefire. We're prepared to push harder. And I said, well, do you feel more optimistic like he's not listening to us? You talk to Chinese leaders? Sure. Yeah. And she's OK with that. I can't talk to Xi. He's OK with me talking to Chinese leaders. Sure. Really? The foreign minister had a press conference with me last time I was in Beijing. I think it was. Yeah. Right. Yeah. OK. One is they told the party line. Well, look, they're going to talk about what they want to talk about. You shouldn't be trusting that they're not suddenly they're giving you some secrets that they're not interested in. The point is, they understand the war in Russia has been bad for China. This is an ally of the Chinese. I think the big reason why Xi Jinping went to Pyongyang last week was because he was hoping to get more information and some leverage on a country that's close to Putin right now that's provided-- I still think they want Taiwan. I think that's their Cuba. They do want it. They're never going to give up until they get it. I agree. But they're learning some lessons near term because they're seeing that Goliath, as you just said, Bill, isn't always winning the way Goliath thinks they are. OK. Let's leave it there. Time for new rules, everybody. New rules. [APPLAUSE] OK. All right, if you work for Voon and Nexus, the company that collects human urine and turns it into liquid fertilizer-- and I sit next to you-- and I sit next to you on a plane and ask, so what do you do for a living? Just lie and tell me you're in sale. [LAUGHTER] I don't need to hear about how the urine is collected and processed to spread on the food that I eat. There's enough going on right now that scares the piss out of me. [LAUGHTER] New rule, now that Jill Biden has released her memoir, "A View from the East Wing," Melania must release her memoir in which she describes her view from the East Wing, a backhoe amount of dirt and a porta-potty. [LAUGHTER] Oh, which kid? [APPLAUSE] New rule, the steeple chase, the track and field event, which starts with a gun shot, and then is a foot race where you have to keep jumping over a thing and landing in a puddle, must be renamed "Running from the Police." [LAUGHTER] And it must end with climbing over a chain link fence while a dog bites you on the ass. [LAUGHTER] New rule, people who get a tattoo of their area code must tell me, how am I supposed to respond to that? Because all I could think of is two things. So you really like your phone number, huh? And can I see one of the zip code on your ass? [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] No, you can make the new non-alcoholic cord light, if you like. But first, you have to show me the person who was drinking cord light for the taste. [LAUGHTER] Because really, if you take the getting drunk part out of this, if you're taking a sip of this and thinking, mmm, yum, I hate to tell you this, but you have long COVID. [LAUGHTER] And finally, New rule, let's get real about Graham Plattner. If you've been sleeping on politics lately, well, who can blame you? But the big story is the Democrats can likely take back the Senate in November if they win Maine. But their local candidate official now up there is after the primary this week. Let's just say a guy who has a backstory that screams, don't ask. [LAUGHTER] Now, I don't judge Graham Plattner because I'm just learning who he is. Problem is, so is he. [LAUGHTER] What I do know is he served his country in the Marines in war, and you can never discount how big that is. But then there's the sexting while married, scary behavior, so say some of his exes, old posts about how he's a communist, and all cops are bastards, and black people don't tip. Oh. Well, they don't tip cops. I can understand that. Here's a typical Plattner quote. He said about the Iraq War, you can think it's dumb, and also kind of not want to miss it. Oh, Graham, I feel the same way about so many things-- the Oscars, Christmas, Taylor Swift's wedding, that little speech Nicole Kidman gives before the movie comes on, where she looks insane. [LAUGHTER] And then, of course, there's the Nazi tattoo on his chest. I mean, seriously, this guy's whole life is the movie The Hangover. (audience cheering) He doesn't need a term in the Senate, it needs a gap year in Costa Rica. (audience laughing) And yes, I would still urge the folks in Maine to vote for him for two reasons. One, we need to restore balance in our government and a Democratic Senate would help a lot with that. And two, get used to it, America is a country filled with a lot of broken, horribly educated, phonadicted, sort of nutty people. And as long as we live in a representative democracy, we are always electing our reflection in the mirror. I wish that tattoo was the scariest thing about Platner. It's not. That would be his solution to a home invasion, which is to rape the home invader. And no, of course, that's not policy, he's proposing. It's a fantasy, his ex says he talked about. Next week it'll be policy. (audience laughing) And to be fair, he said the raping wasn't something he'd do in a gay way, because that would be weird. (audience laughing) Okay, this is the kind of thing war does to people. That's who we created. Our society is not healthy. We create broken people, so don't expect politicians to suddenly become Lincoln-esque again. Tom Keen Jr. is running in New Jersey, despite the fact that he's gone completely missing for the last three months. No biggie. He says in the future, he'll be completely transparent. (audience laughing) Tom completely transparent is what you are now. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Are you okay, Tom? Are you curled up in a ball? And he's favored to win, because I'm just guessing a lot of people say, hey, we've all been there. Oh, there's gonna be more bad tweets from candidates that have an aged well. More bad tattoos. Did Platner know the tattoo was a Nazi symbol when he got it, maybe? But people today are so inundated with misinformation and internet bullshit. I wouldn't trust he knew what it stood for anyway. Everything people know now is from social media and shit posting and whatever. Some other idiot sends them. Or whatever the Chinese are feeding them on TikTok. Every single violent actor in the last five years from Trump's assassin to Luigi has prompted a headline that said some version of experts find markers of both right and left wing political views. Yeah, because we have a new breed of voter today, people who are intensely political, but somehow know almost nothing about politics. (audience clapping) Liberal, conservative. I don't know what makes you either one. Conspiracy theories, that they know. And memes and trolling that also might be true. (audience laughing) Marine Galindo is a Democrat who ran for the house in Texas this year. Describes herself as a judgment-free sex therapist? I hope so, who wants a judgey one? (audience clapping) Who would that be? Well, plainly, you're dicks too small. (audience laughing) Okay, so she's judgment-free, namaste. But she's also said during the campaign she wants to turn the ICE detention center in her district into a prison for Zionists and ICE officers. What she says, putting Zionist billionaires in prison does not mean putting all Jews in internment camps. So a moderate. (audience laughing) I guess she thinks she's progressive because hating ICE, okay, check and hating Jews. Sure, that's progressive now. But concentration camps, I associate that more with conservatives. Is that just me? (audience laughing) Crazy. It's just not a deal breaker anymore for running or serving. The secretary of health keeps a freezer full of roadkill. Even the worm in his brain is like, "I'm not eating that." (audience laughing) I mean, our current president just speaks out loud his internal monologue. (audience laughing) You know what the internal monologue is, right? It's just that stream of thoughts that we all have pouring through our heads all the time and that we all edit. (audience laughing) We edit our thoughts. We don't just fling all of our feces. We have a straight of her moves between our brain and our mouth where we don't let everything through. But not the president of the United States. You're either crooked or you're stupid. I am the chosen one. Who knows better about surprise than Japan? You're just a lightweight. You're a terrible person. I don't like mosquitoes. He's the one here up as he was captured. I like people that weren't captured. I know you're not thinking, do you never do? Hey, I'm president. Do you believe it? I mean. (audience laughing) Look, politics has always been a crazy game, but the people running weren't this crazy. My winner, though, this year. Victor Marx, yeah, I just heard of him recently. Victor's a Christian minister who may soon be governor of Colorado and who performs exorcisms over the phone. (audience laughing) Which I think gives the devil an unfair edge. (audience laughing) I do. (audience clapping) The power of Christ's compassion, I'm in a tunnel. (audience laughing) Victor Marx says things out loud that he just seems to have hallucinated. The way AI does sometimes when it tells you that the key ingredient in fetuccini is glue. (audience laughing) Victor says he rescued 45,000 people from predators, which is about 45,000 more than anyone can verify. He says he called in an airstrike that killed 70 ISIS fighters, which is impressive considering at the time he was not in the military. (audience laughing) He says he was forced to kill a man when he was seven. And when a reporter asks, do you think you've killed people as an adult? His answer was, does it matter? I think it does. (audience laughing) Thank you very much. I wanna thank my guest, Ian Butter, Takar Shemali, and David Sanderas. Well, Brandon Brods, every Monday on YouTube, or listen, wherever you get your podcasts, they'll go watch overtime on YouTube. And thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (audience cheering) I appreciate it. Thank you very much. Catch all new episodes of Real Time with Bill Maher every Friday night at 10. Or watch them anytime on HBO on demand. For more information, log on to HBO.com. Larry David is back in their new HBO original limited series. What a pleasure to be a part of such a historic occasion. Life, Larry, and the pursuit of unhappiness at almost history of America. This is a declaration of common sense. Those who don't know history. You are the world's worst body channel. Our doom to watch Larry David repeat it. What the hell is going on here? Watch Life Larry in the pursuit of unhappiness, now streaming on HBO Max. Subscription required, visit hblemax.com for details.