Ep. 7: Frog King's Revenge (The Moonstone Saga)

[clock ticking] This is a headgun podcast. Welcome to the campaign after the campaign. This is not another D&D podcast. Welcome back to Bahumi Everyone. I'm your dungeon master, Brian Murphy, joined by Jake Herwitz. Hard one, shortfoot. Emily Axford. Munchine Sibon, clocking in. And. Her business. Clocking in for business. Beverly Toggle reporting for duty. RIP Josh. Oh yeah, Josh guy with a costume. I realized Josh got kind of fucked over because he should have gotten some HP back from sucking on Paw Paws teeth. Right. If Munchine had to let him do a full suck, he would have survived the fight. You know what? He didn't get a full suck. I didn't. So he probably only got a couple HP back. I did slap that greedy little mall away from my paw. It's like you knew even then that you wanted to kill him. He was nibbling a bit. I didn't trust him. He wasn't trustworthy. I mean, he murdered his friend. He did murder his friends at the drop of it. I tell you what, I would not have asked him to watch my Pawtas do. This is exactly like that Simpson scene where like Homer shoves the sheep away for the cuter sheep because like we had this really cool little lizard friend. And then Emily saw the Crick bully wall and was like, "Youss!" Big ass piece of shit out of here. Let's do a little recap from last time. The last time you snuck into the sunken keeps saw that the cobalt and the bully wugs were working together and were trying to ambush you, but you ambushed them. Hard one held the door shut so that the cobalt couldn't get to you while you executed the bully wugs. Some cobalt did get over the wall, but you quickly dispatched them. No problem. The only cobalt that was left at the end was a buff cobalt named Josh who was such a bastard that he killed his friends just so you'd let him live. See, that's why you don't trust him. He wasn't a great guy, but he was a good one. He was a 12 persuasion for him to kill his friends. Yeah, that was pretty easy. The cobalt, like you wanted to do it a little bit anyway. Yeah. Brobalt are so gold when it comes to friendship. That's a green teen saying. Yep. Truth for told. Truth for told. Truth for told. Truth for told. So Josh explained to you guys before he was killed that the cobalt gave the bully wug king a sword in exchange for working with them. But now that both the cobalt and the bully wugs were pretty much dead, the king bully wug jumped out of the tower and fled. You heard him splash into the water. You guys then went up into that tower and moonshine pushed Josh out. No, no, no, no, no, no, you're rewriting history. I threw Josh at the bully wug king. You tried to hit him, but he was, he's a frog. He swim so fast. I would argue I dispatched Josh. Cool. You also didn't really, you said you were going to help kill the king. Yeah. I was just going to help kill the king. Another little frog might end up jumping on there. You don't know. Just two big apples. Jump on the plump rope. OK, so in that tower, you guys found the bones of the dead dragon shadow fang. This must have been where she hung out. You also found a Crick bully wug named a Jonah who had been captured by the regular bully wugs. I was being helped captive. I explained that the king bully wug had a nasty looking sword and stole some of the treasure before he left. You guys did however pick up quite a few nice items. You got the boots of Elvin kind. You got a couple of masterwork throwing dead. You got a believe I'm wearing some nice ass boots. Are they like combat boots or are we talking like sort of like leather boots? Like that sounds like if they're still. They're like they're like made of leaves. They're so quiet. You're your feet are completely silent as you walk along the ground. You do a little. You do a little. You go about those kinds of boots down at the Crick but never really been exposed to them. Yeah, I would have heard about them. We'd be like, "Ah, that's high up nonsense." Yeah, you probably wear your own leaf shoes down at the Crick but they always make a lot of noise. Because they're weird for you. They crunch. These don't crunch. But what if I want to tap dance? They won't make any noise. Well, that complicates some of my moves. You'll just have to like tape some sort of like hard material to the bottom of the shoe. But it's broken spear. You guys also got a fiddle that says Old Betsy on it and Beverly found a holy symbol of Poloar, a little amulet that he recognized as belonging to the legendary cleric Theala because he has paintings and such of her on his wall at home. But when Beverly showed it to the rest of the party, it cracked. A bad omen. Probably not great. Or maybe a good omen like, "A new day is beginning." Yeah, that's what that means. We cracked the code. A crack in a holy symbol is always a good thing. And we'll start from there. So you guys are in this tower. You guys are with Jonah, the Crick Bullywug. The King Bullywug has jumped out probably like five minutes ago. He swam across. Josh is dead forever. He's definitely in hell. He killed his friends. So, y'all, let's circle up. Have a little chitter. Circle up. Have a little. Okay. Jonah, hun. You're adorable. Maybe go entertain yourself. Get out of the whistle with Paul Paul. Yeah, go rest with Paul Paul. Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul, and Jonah start wrestling her out of the ground. Paul, quit using your teeth. Jonah, just show your teeth altogether, please. He just flashes you a toothy. So snaggle. Just so snaggle tooth. It's weird. It looks like all the teeth are competing to be in front. It's a pageant. They're all losing. So, the way I see it is we've got, I'd love to search this castle, try and find the dragon egg. But I also think that the Bollywood King is not going to try and get that tried at tonight, at least. I think we should go into Moonstone and rat him out to the barbarians. Cool. It asks like a sign of fake difference to them. So you want to search the castle then? Then Caravan, to you. Caravan. Got it. So, why don't I think I want to go collect the green teens? That's true, though. Well, you guys. Yeah, that's okay. Case the castle. Yeah, the king was headed right towards them so that the king was headed past the green teens. Yeah, they're doing pretty well, but I don't have some fear, some lingering fear of the whole like- They're not super smart. I mean, I'm assuming they've created an elaborate tonal system at this point. Right, but if that king like even steps on a twig and makes it sound like bronze ash, they're all going to jump in the middle of the tree. And Dirland does have a very loud giggle, so that could give them away in a moment's instance. Yeah, y'all young and giggle a lot. We just love life and we love to lore. We're just filled with a light of joy. What can I say? You hear in the distance and that go up. Oh, God, they're not in a job. I just feel like they always sound like they're getting tickled. To be fair, they might be tickling each other right now. Back home, I do have a shirt that says it's a pellor thing you wouldn't understand. That is kind of what the tickling relates to. You're just like you're filled with the light and you just feel kind of an overwhelming sense of giddyness. You know, it's interesting because the youngins of Melora, we like to just rassle. Yeah, feral. A scuffle, tussle, and it seems like the youngins of Pallor, it just tickle. We like to sit quietly and laugh to each other and respect our elders. And the youngins of Moriden like to mine into the mountain and give iron to our parents. You like your youngins working? That sounds like a very early age. It sounds hard, yeah. Interesting. We should probably go free some. The door is open and you can obviously have mine. Do you guys mind if I check out these dragon bones? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go down. I'm going to go into the woods. I think that's why we only have like a scale model of these back in my classroom. But like see the real things is so cool. Go down. Let's try and put them together, you know, like a museum. Yeah. Okay, so I'm going to inspect the dragon bones. Okay, so a hard one, where so are you belaying down or you walking out the front? What are you doing? We're standing right now in the in the front, right? You guys are in the back facing out towards where the green teens are. I can hold this rope and you can belay down. So a hard one, just Josh down. I got some Josh grip. So hard one. That's what Josh is. Hard one you belay down. You see two plump ass cheeks floating near you as you get to the bottom. Put your feet in your head and bro. In heaven, all of your reps are max. Just bounce off his ass cheeks onto the other side. Great. Can you like put your fingers on his ass cheeks like you're closing someone's eyes? Closing his butt hole. You respectfully closes my hole. And no more water. I'm just going to sleep for now. His butt hole is so full of water that he does sink though. No. I'll never let go. So hard one starts swimming towards the green teens. Yeah. Meanwhile, you guys are in this tower. You guys just picked up all this treasure and you've got these dragon bones. Yeah. I guess I want to do maybe like an arcana check on the dragon bones. You know what? Give me a history check. I got 17 for nature. 17. Go with that. Okay, you see that there's. I don't want to tell you what I got for history. I've got so I pretty much. I pretty much hold the bones up to my nose and sniff them. Oh, how cool. To try and suss out there as it does. And she does. Yeah. - It's suck the marrow. - While you're sniffing, you notice that the bones aren't big enough to be like an ancient dragon. This was like a young, or this was like an adult dragon. - Adult but not. - Right, it was probably like 75 or 100 years old. - Like a death sentence. - That's not as that pussy on a dragon. - Right, it actually the pussy's not there. It's just bones. - Really? Oh yeah, but I'm just saying like, on a 70 year old. - Hard to believe you're not there. - I'm just curious, as a guy, you're listening to the show. - Merv, Merv. - People wanna know about dragon pussy. - Can I tell from the show? - It's what it did. - Can I tell from the pelvis, if it was a man or a woman dragon? - You know Shadow Fang was a woman. - But this, how are the pelvis is different? It would be like a wider burger so you could give birth out of a dragon, but I see. - I guess what Emily's asking is. - Because you could shoot eggs. - We're trying to deduce that this was Shadow Fang. - Yeah, we wanna know if this is Shadow Fang. - This was Shadow Fang's bones. - So Shadow Fang was a spray adult. - Yeah, a mom, but not a grandma. - She had an notoriously out of it. (laughing) - She was not a girl, but was a woman. - Yeah, but still in her primate scenes. Huh. I look down at my amulet that I've gotten. Okay. I think in the excitement over the dragon bones, I forgot about it. But now I kinda like, I look at it, and I look at the crack, and I use my training in the light of the floor to kind of like, just see if I can get a sense of I can delve anything from it if I can like, commune with this holy relic. - Give me a religion check. - Okay. - No, it's just like a great nat 20. - Nat six baby. - Nat six. - What is that with your mind fire? - No matter what the role is, you put nat in front. It sounds bad. - Yeah, that's true. That's gonna be an eight. - Okay. - Shit. - That's an unnat eight. - Let me tell you what that means. - All right. - So they rot. - And you hear, Jonas just behind you in your ear. (laughing) - Jonas, quit whizzing. - I'm so sorry. - You know, some I ran around. He, I just, not nice to hear. - Yeah, okay. - Do you want to, do you want to show you some knots? - Oh, please, I would love to see how you rope a dope and throw those ropes around. - I handcuff them with knots. (laughing) - Oh, you are okay. - See if you can get out of that. - Big, just a tidum. - Oh, I didn't know it was a game. Okay, it's a green team game. - You just started to wrestle, throwing her out. - You wrestle the knots now. - He's talking just as much, but just to himself, as he rolls around on the ground. - How will these knots, oh, this is a fun game. Oh, I haven't fun out here, you know what I mean. - It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but okay. - You know how you felt, little embarrassed when we all met your green team friends. - Yeah. - Feel a little bit with that, with this Crick Bollywag. - We're learning a lot about, you know, just pretenses and kind of, what? - Right, people are, - Aha. - Stereotypes and how they can be harmful, I understand. - So I would like to go to the one tower that we haven't explored. - Isn't there one tower that we haven't? - You haven't been to either of the towers in the front of the castle. - I want to go to Bull. - Great, why don't we split up? Not a good idea? - We might as well go together. - Okay, okay, we'll go together. Yeah, I'll tell you guys quickly. - I'm your peer taker, I can't believe in you. - That's true, that's a good point. - You guys, you guys go up to the two towers or the front. - I'm gonna just quickly leave you guys. - I'm gonna sprinting away. Yeah, hard one's gonna take a little longer to get where he's going, and these guys are, 'cause they're just in the keep walking around. This is all only taking a few minutes. So you guys go up to those other two towers, but they're just basic. They've got some pelts there for people to sit on. There are arrow slits for people to shoot. You see there are a couple crossbows sitting by the-- - There's a Tim Horton. - Yeah, there are a ca-- - There's a tin coffee mug. Seems like maybe these guys were pulling some long nights. Box of donuts. - Okay, but nothing that is of interest to us. - No, nothing of interest to us. - Now we'd like to Baywatch style dive into the water and go looking for a dragon egg at the bottom of the water. Is there anyone else you wanna look in the keep? - We've inspected the two towers, though. - So you guys have, you guys have been in all four towers. You've been in the one with the dragon bones, the two in the front. - How, would you say that a dragon's egg is a magical item? - No, it is not innately magical. - Okay, cool. - You know, you guys haven't looked around the castle. - If I cast-- - Yeah, you've just got in the towers. Could I talk to the embryo of the dragon embryo? - No, you cannot. - Do you speak with animals too? - I did, I did stock it for today. - Oh nice, cool. - To try and find the dragon egg, but I'm not gonna come and eat it. - Hold on, I guess we could like-- - You talked to papa. - I wanna do a perception to see if there's any animals around that we could talk to. - Sure. - Because we're both adapted. - Yeah, you can see animals. - Okay, so you wanna look out the front of the castle until like the water surrounding the keep. - I got a 13. - That's another net, six. Oh man. I'm in the hexagon. - Yeah, I mean, there are little frogs bouncing around. - Yeah, they're not gonna tell shit though. - Probably not. Huh, I guess we'd just like scour. - It's scour. - Okay, so you scour around, I mean, basically there's only four big rooms here, right? There's one that's totally flooded, one that's the mess hall, one that's a bedroom, and one that's a dark magic chapel. Is there any room you'd like to check out? - I would like to continue swimming in the sunken, I'm just kidding. - I'd go to the dark chapel. - I guess it's true that we were having a big fight last time we were there. - Yeah, so you guys never, you guys didn't really check around, right? - There's a big, dick corpse right in front of the door. So yeah, there's still a big, yeah. - Oh yeah, take a quick look at that. It's like, oh yeah, forgot about him. - To can a little bit, - Yeah, it's weird, it's still massive. - I guess gentle repose on his dick, which prevents it from decaying. - It's still beautiful and pristine. It still has a little dew on the tip. You see that the cobalt have cleaned up. The cobalt have cleaned up the rest of their dead, but that guy is still there because they didn't want to move him because he looked so beautiful. - How are his teeth? They're great. They're beautiful little things. I take one, great. - You take his teeth, you fucking hell. - I turn away because I don't even know what you think about that. - Okay, so you guys are in this chapel. - It's two thousand. - It looks pretty much as it did before, but you guys see this big stained glass window with an image of a dark sorcerer glowing with like black and purple energy. In front of that is an altar, and you see he's shooting like purple energy out towards the altar. You see the altar has like a couple scrolls on it. There's a pyre that was never used, and go ahead, somebody roll me an inside check. - Okay. - Oh, not 20 baby. - Oh, shoot. - One thing Strikes 2 has very strange is, when you guys were outside looking at this side of the castle, the window was not there. The window? The window was not there. - Oh, you can only see it from the inside? - Yeah. - Whoa, that's very interesting. We didn't see this window before. - Yeah, what the fuck does that mean? - I don't know, it's gotta be magical in some way. And also like, I want to-- - I touched the window. - Yeah, okay, okay. We shouldn't touch it. (laughing) You touched the window, and it appears to feel like a regular window. But you do notice that you can't see through on the outside. Like, no light is coming through or anything. When you say that there are like purple bolts, is that just in the window or their actual energy like, no, it's just like in the picture, but it looks like he's shooting purple at the altar. - I want to inspect this thing. - So I guess we should shoot light at the altar. - Oh, interesting. Do you have anything that could shoot light? - No. - Hmm, okay, shooting light. - I want to inspect it. - Do you like it? - What do you want to do? - I want to look at the scrolls on the table. Great. - Oh yeah, I go when I pretend to read that. (laughing) - Yeah, which one does it matter? - I'm interested in, huh? I've ever seen a written like that before. - You see two. - In all my years, two scrolls. - Two skeiners. - In all my years, two skeiners. - There are two scrolls on the table. Moonshine is just talking about whatever. And Beverly, you look over her shoulder and you see one of them is for a spell called Flamblade and one of them is for a spell called Iceblade. Okay, it's two spells. One of them is a Tim Horton's coupon and then the other two are spells. Once for Flamblade, once for Iceblade. - Okay, I don't have that currently stocked but I do have Ice knife. I can try to Ice knife. - It's a scroll. - It's a scroll. Wait, it's a scroll, it does the spell. - We learn them up, right? You can use it once. - Okay, so he's got two shooting things that are at the altar. - Ah. - So you and I both go on one side and shoot it at the same time. - Fire and ice, okay. - That's awesome. Thank God I wasn't here because my instinct was to break the window. (laughing) - That was close. - I've been quiet this whole time but I wanted to throw my axe into a byword there. - I admire moonshines, Crick and Genuity. - Yes, we each take a scroll. - Great, you each take a scroll. Which one does each of you guys take? - I'll let's take the Ice one because I feel connected to water. - And you take Flamblade? - I take Flam, like the purifying fire of Pellar. Great, so you guys can cast the spells. Would you like to cast them? - Yes. - Yeah, just real quick, the beams coming from Asma Deus is his hands? - Yes, they're coming out of his hands shooting at the altar. - Okay. - Is there any difference between the two of them? - I don't want to make sure we're all on his purple. - It's just purple. - So you guys suddenly a magic blue blade appears in moonshines hand and a magic red blade appears in Beverly Sam. - Let's smush them together and put them on the altar. - If I know anything from my color theory classes with Miss Maceum in art, blue and red is purple. - Blood and water makes purple. That's what we say at the Crick. - That's an interesting way of putting it but that is true. (laughing) - Okay, so yeah. - I really like the lessons. - I guess we try and aim our beams to meet and form like a nice purple. - So you guys are gonna slice in the same area on the altar? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, I guess I don't know how the sword works if it fires a beam or if we just like slice it. - It's like a sword. - Okay, yeah. - You guys have like a magic sword in both your hands. - Yeah, we make the swords kiss. - Yeah. - So, you guys both swing down. The sword's kiss. You see where they meet the blade turns purple. You slash into the altar. It appears to have no effect on it until suddenly the altar shakes. - We just keep holding it. - Yes, you guys hold it down. - Keep shaking. - The altar shakes and moves. - And don't be scared. - As a pillar rises from underneath it. You see a top of the pillar is a long glass case. It looks like it should be holding like a sword or something. But instead, there is a football-sized black egg jammed in there. You see the egg shell has little scale like grooves all over it. Seems like maybe these cobalt's new of this hiding place and jammed the egg in there to hide it from the bully wugs. - Well, we need to, let me do a quick perception check or a knowledge check something. - Just make sure. - I don't know if I can grab this thing. - Sounds good. - Yeah, you can just do like an insight check or an investigation check. - Jumbolyah check. Boiled, soft boiled egg in there might be really nice. - Oh my gosh. - Okay, 10. - It looks like this case wasn't made for the egg and that if there was a trap or something, it probably would have been set off early. - Okay, grabbing it. - Great, you grab it. - Grabbing it with that the gentle motherly touch of a prick woman. - Nice. - Gentle motherly touch of a prick woman. - Moon shine pulls out the dragon egg. (gasps) - It's nestled. - Cut to hard one short foot. - All right. - Hard one. - I bet nothing exciting is happening back in the sea. - You see the entire keep explode. - I just turn over my head and there's just like a purple light shining from in there. What am I missing? (laughing) - It's really funny that you guys instantly figure, I'm not that it was a tough puzzle, but you instantly figured out the puzzle but we're just walking around being like, what room should we look at? (laughing) Just the most magic room of all time or the pond? - I think. - I'm a door to open, but once I'm inside, I'll know exactly what to do. - I think it was 'cause we had been in the room before. - Right. - I was like mentally checking it off, but it is true we did just kill a buff lizard in there and not inspect it. - I just thought for sure, I mean if you think of like Joseph Campbell's heroes quest, I thought I was gonna have to dive into the water. - That's my favorite D20 adventure is Joseph Campbell's hero quest. So hard one. You get up out of the water and you start heading back towards the camp. Go ahead and give me a perception check. - That's an 11. - Oh wait, you know what? It's gonna be less than that person. (laughing) - Yeah, no it's just a seven. - Okay. - It's actually a zero so I'm not. - This dude has advantage in the swamp, but he rolled two threes. So he did worse than you. - Yeah. - You see trials of hard ones. - As you're approaching the camp, you see the bullywug king is like looking into the camp, like kinda looking around. You see he hasn't seen you yet. - Okay. I'm gonna go back to the key and see what was going on with that. (laughing) I'm gonna try to save these green teens. They've already been harassed by the bullywugs enough. - Great, let's, am I far away? - You're about 20 feet away from him. You can get to him or you can throw an axe or whatever you want. Now I'm gonna go for the grade X to the back of the head. - Don't, very good. - Okay, so you're just charging up on this guy? - Yeah. - Okay. - Just come back and hard ones just wearing a new crown. - Roll with advantage to see if you hit him. - Oh yes, that is a 19. Dude you crit. - Oh yeah crit bitch, he crit. (clapping) - I have finally got to learn my character a little bit. - Holy shit, and not crit. - Dude, yeah, so you roll two D12s and then add your modifier once. Shit, so this bullywug is like looking into the camp and you hear they're hiding pretty well, but you hear a little like, (laughing) - What is funny about this early? (laughing) - He looks like bossnast for Memphis of one. (laughing) - It's my favorite theater play. - Sorry, that didn't count as rolling off. - Yeah, I am. - So that's two sevenths, so is that a 14? - 14 plus, what's your modifier? - Four. - So 18 total. - Total. - Total. - So this dude is looking into the camp. You see, he's wearing his makeshift crown. He has a cool red cloak on that he didn't have before and he's actually, he has a shield on his back. He's carrying a two handed sword that has black flames coming off of it. - Oh shit. - And he's like looking possessed and looking with like red eyes into this camp, looking for these kids, you come up behind him and you slash him across the back and he just yells out, (screaming) I'm so surprised by Lelalas. - (laughing) - Roll initiative. - Oh. - A one man fight. - He probably got his kidney, right? Like even if he survived, he got a nine. - I mean, this is not. - I'm so scared to see what that sword does to you. - I mean, this is cool or whatever, but we solved the puzzle. - Yeah, that's pretty good. (laughing) - I'm gonna get my ass kicked by a frog. (laughing) - King frog. - I feel like for sure the bully one king is like all gold teeth. He's like decked himself out. - Yeah. - He's got like real like gnarly, gymsdown teeth up in there. - He's got the little Wayne grill. - Cool. - So the king turns to you and he says, "How dare you, I'm the king of the bully one." It's just me now, but I'm the king. - And then he takes a swing. - You're the king of jacks shit. (laughing) - Does not hit. He takes a second swing. And he hits. What did he hit with? - He hits with his big ol sword. - Fun. (laughing) - That sword doesn't look like a lot of fun. - That is 11 damage. - Hmm. - That's pretty good. - That was a full HP when I left. - Yeah. - Great. - Okay, that is you hard one. - He hit him. - He hit me for 11? - Go scout master hard one, go! - Quiet, or really? - Get through it. (laughing) - What about me? Do I have to be quiet? - No, you're good, crann. (laughing) - It's actually me, Durlin. - I have the deeper voice. - Okay, Durlin, then you shut up. - I have the higher voice than everyone. - Crann, you're cool. - Thanks. (laughing) - Who are you talking to? - That's a one, but I get to roll it again. - I wanna know, you don't get to roll in the tack roll again. - Huh? - You just miss your attack. - So you just dinked big time. - Really? - Yep, good work. - So you see this guy, necrotic energy bursts from his hand, and he touches you. I am going to need you to make a wisdom saving throw. - Wisdom saving throw? - Great. - Very good at that. Watch this, 13. - Okay. - He reaches out to touch you. You feel for a second, like you're paralyzed with fear. - For the first time ever in my life. - And then you hear in the back of your head, your hard one fucking shorefoot. You're the goddamn scout master and you push the fear out of your brain. - Yes. - Yes. - That's your turn. - Fears for chumps. - Great. - Good Lord, that's us. 10. - Total? - This guy blocks it with his magic sword. - He's gonna touch me again. - He's gonna take a swing at you with his sword. And that is a 14-hit. That doesn't probably doesn't hit you. Nope, okay. He's gonna take a second attack and that definitely hits that's a 21-hit. - Yeah, that does hit. - Believe it or not, a 21-hit. - Your hard one, you're hard one fucking shorefoot. - 14 damage. - You have action sword and second wind. - Yeah, I'm about to use. - Cool, I think both of them. - Use those, yeah. - Okay, okay. - It is now your turn. - Some use. - So you can swing first. - Great. - See what happens from there. - I'm gonna have to use that side of the edge of the head. I got a four, man. - Okay. - Don't make me say it, dude. - That's a 17 that time. - Oh, there we go. - There we go. - That hits. - That's a two plus, that's a six. - Okay. - Not great. - It's damaged. - Okay, man, you started this out. - So great. - Remember when I held the door, guys? (laughing) He slashed him across the shoulder and he laughs and goes, "Oh, I mean, overall, I'm pretty hurt, but that particular hit wasn't that painful." (laughing) - Do you wanna do second wind? - Yeah, I do. - Okay, roll D10 plus your fighter level to heal. - God, damn, it's a one. - Oh, no. - So, four total. - So you don't forget? - Yeah, so four total. - Okay. - Okay. - That puts me back to 12. That is back to the king. He goes with a necrotic hand, tries to grab you, you feel fearful. - But can. - But Romeo wisdom saving throw. - It's the second time. - Romeo wisdom saving throw. - God damn it, this sucks. I have a spell that prevents this. - All right, that's 15. - Oh, you resisted. - Yeah. - You can't get in my head. - My skull's thick as my claws. - Can not get intimidated. That's you hard one. - All right. - Come on, yes, that's a 22. - Oh. - 22, that hits. And that one hits him for seven again. Seven again. - You slash him and he's starting to look really fucked up. - So am I. - And you see the sword glows harder and you see him so furious just shaking, being like, "I'm going to take you to hell with me. You're trying to take my sword. I know you're trying to take my sword. Now I'm gonna have this sword with me." - I can see why they made you king. - You're crazy. - He slashes at you and he is gonna hit four eight. - Oh my God. - And he takes a second swing at you. - He's still up. - Barely. - Okay. - And he hits. - Oh no. (door clicks) - He just hit you for 15. - 15? - Oh no. - Good Lord, does that kill my ass? - Are you down? - Yeah, I'm down for sure. - Okay, okay, hard one. - At negative 11? - Oh shit. - Negative 11. - Yeah. - No, we just go to zero. - You're just out, you just go to zero. - Okay, thank God. - So you go out, you go to zero. You wake up to the tail end of somebody saying, "Hey! (laughing) You open your eyes to see Irlin' over you just as the King Bullie Wog takes a swing down on him. - At Irlin? - On Irlin. - No, not Irlin. - No block. - And he swings and he misses Irlin. - Oh, yeah. - Irlin moves out of the way, but he takes a second swing at Irlin. - No, not at Irlin, man. - And he misses again. - Irlin dodges back and moves out of the way. - Beverly's hairs are standing on end. (laughing) - Irlin does not have as good a AC as Beverly, but the King Bullie Wog just rolled a two and a three. - Oh man, thank. - He's blind with rage. - Okay, that is hard one. - You just got five HP from Irlin. - Five. - This episode of Napaud is brought to you by Mint Mobile. I don't know about you guys, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. Unfortunately, traditional big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money too. Quit it, wireless carriers. I need that money to buy dumb shit like video games and car insurance. Thankfully, Mint Mobile is here to slay the dragon hoarding all of our money and offer us affordable mobile plans that are way cheaper than the big carriers. So stop overpaying for wireless just because that's how it's always been. Mint exists purely to fix that. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month. You can bring your own phone and number, activate with eSIM in minutes and start saving immediately. No long-term contracts, no hassles, just the pure Mint green blade of justice, smiting all of our foes and returning those hard-earned dollars to your pockets. Wow, what a snap. If I was in the market for a new phone plan, this is the one I choose. So if you like your money and you want it to stay your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans at MintMobile.com/Papa. That is MintMobile.com/Papa. Upfront payment of $45 for three month, five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 per month. New customer offer for first three months only then full price plan options available. Taxes and AMP fees are extra. See MintMobile for details. All right, that's all from me. Stay true warriors, bye-bye. - Is it off? - That's gonna have to play. Dude, can you use Action Surgery Second Wind again? - Nope, huh. Take your swing. That's 15. That is. It's, woo-ee. (laughs) Woo-ee. All right, showdown. And that is a, come on, baby, 13. That is exactly the amount of damage you needed to do to kill this dude. Hard one, finish him. - Great. Tell me if I'm allowed to do this. But I'd like to throw down my axe. Pick up both my throwing axes, throw 'em down. The two new throwing axes throw 'em down. (laughs) I'm just fucking choking his king with my beard. - With your beard? - With my beard. - Sure, he's already mechanically, he's already dead, so you can choke on a death with your beard. You see all of the kids come out, they're just like, "Scout Master, scout Master, scout Master, scout Master, scout Master." - I love guys with Irland. The jambarine is back on. (laughs) - Oh my God. Yes. - Wow. - Holy shit. - That was the-- - Yeah, hard one, the Kingslayer. - Level one? - The Kingslayer, wow. - Yeah, you kill him. So this-- - Oh, twice dead, now Kingslayer. - The right step. - You just choke. - Right step. - If we choke out this king, he falls to the ground. He has a shield on his back. He has a cloak that just looks like some kind of cool magic cloak. And the sword is laying on the ground. And it's got like black flames coming on it. - Irland is holding it. - Irland says, "Well, that's a pretty cool sword, man." God, but it seems my green teen alert is kind of going off here, man. That's bad news. That's a bad sword, man. - Irland, you know what, you know what this sword is? He looks at it and he says, "I can tell it's like bad magic, man." It's bad magic. He shouldn't touch that sword. - He shouldn't touch it. - But I do want to show it to Beth. I mean, he could just come back and look at it, right, man. - He would like it. - All right, fine. You see, Irland goes, "I don't know, man. I think it's pretty cool." (all laughing) - It's pretty good for grabbing. - I am cramping. - It's cramping, it's scoundrel, master grabbing. - All right, I'm gonna exclusively listen to Irland. (all laughing) - Cool, I'm gonna curl up and take a quick little nap. (all laughing) - Okay, you can do a short rest, yeah. So you can regain as many hit dices. So you have three hit dices, you can roll three d-tans, and you can get that HP back while you do a little rest. - Daddy's gonna take shoes. - And we're waiting for these guys. - Okay, so you guys are sitting there. All right, so we go back, cut back to Beverly and Moonsha. And you guys have this egg. - And that's how you juggle. - Wow, okay. - Yeah. - And put that in my overall bed. - All right, these two weren't happening at the same time. - You guys were just juggling and doing that. (all laughing) - So let's head back, we got what we came for. - I don't think there's anything else here we need. And I'm just getting, I'm getting a weird sense. You know, when you get goose pimples and let's some - I know goose pimples. - Yeah, I know, I know that feeling. - Has you might say something ain't right? - Yeah, well. - As you guys are having this conversation, Irland is dodging out of the way above. - Yeah, that's just a little bit of the same time. - Well, nothing left to do, but scoop up Jonah and Pa Pa and make our way back. - There's one thing I wanna ask about and you're gonna get mad at me. - No, not, what is it? - Maybe. - All right, you know the leftover cobalt wings? - Oh, I did wanna steal some and make some like rave or wings. - You can grab some wings. - Oh, I was gonna ask if I'm light enough to use them to glide. Oh my God. You could give me a raw intelligence check. - Okay. - I'll say a DC25 intelligence check. - I'll give it, if you roll a nat 20, you will have one time use, okay, paraglider. - Oh, 17. - Okay, my intelligence is plus two. - Can he at least fashion me some rave or wings? - Yeah, yeah, you make some nice wings for a moonshine to wear as a costume. I thought that I could use this as a glider, but they're kinda useless. Do you wanna? - Yes, I do. - It's a good on you. - Thank you. - Yeah. - I earned my seamstress badge. - Okay, yeah, I make you one. - My adrenaline is still pumping. - Yeah, I think we head back. - Yeah, we head back. - We head back. I'm sort of like dancing a little bit on the way because our wings. - You guys swim back, you get back there. - Testing out my new boots. Trying to make sound. - At the camp. - I have a question, I have a question. - Go ahead. - If I splash through water, do my Elven boots make a noise? - Yes, they do. - Okay, so I find that out. - Okay, knowledge. - Well, we're walking back. - Can I do a nature check on the egg? - Yeah, go ahead. - Oh, I'll do the same. - 18 plus two, that's 20. - Great, okay. You look at the egg and what you know about dragons in this world is that it's kind of game of throne style that something needs to happen. They don't just kind of hatch on their own. - Okay. - So I got a nat one, what do I think? - This is just a regular like goose egg. You could crack this open and maybe add it to the, it might be a rock. - We got a hard boil this thing. - This is nothing but ingredients first, too. - I think that maybe we should put the kabosh on that one. - I'll you know what, I'll buy you a lot of eggs when we get back to moonstone. - Okay, great idea. - So you guys get to the camp and you see hard one is fucked up, like laying up against the tree. - Irland is like dabbing his head with like a cold calm press. - And you see the boy Irland. - You see the bullywag king is fucking dead. - I think it's corpse. - You kick his corpse. - Oh my gosh. - You see he still has the cool red cape and he still has a big shield and there's this big black flamed sword that is on the ground. - Beverly, Irland says that the sword's bad. - It's not cool, beard. - Can I pick up the sword with my chill touch? - Oh, I will allow that. - Okay, so I cast my chill touch in. - So fucking metal. - And I cast a ghastly hand from the grave to pick up the sword. - Okay, give me an arcana check as you pick it up. - I have zero to arcana but I still get a fucking 18. - Nice. - This sword is for sure cursed. But it's stronger than a regular great sword. - With that do I have any kind of sense of like, if you can un-curse it or what you would need to prevent to guard yourself from the first? - You was the curse to your advantage. - Yeah. - To get rid of a curse to dispel a curse, you would need like a very powerful cleric. - But what about to wield it? Do I know, do I have any sense of what you would need to do to wield it? You can kind of talk to hard one and see how you saw the king behaving while he was holding a sword. I know you're trying to take a nap but uh. Yeah, no. But check out his arm. Totally with it. I actually didn't even get knocked out, Berlin. [laughter] Mr. Skellmaster, we are a little secret. You're the man, Berlin, thanks. [laughter] Whoa, seems like the two of them are getting cozy. Yeah, I give a url and a thumbs up. Nice. Really gives you two thumbs up. Whoa. Dang, those kids know how to throw a thumb up. Yeah, anyway, the king was behaving like a maniac. It seemed like the uh. Oh, I forgot, Jonas also with you guys. Oh, it's acting like a maniac. Oh, he's being a little crazy. Right, but he's not that crazy. He's not that crazy. Oh, I mean, he got a little crazier once he picked up that sword, right? Yeah, yeah. So it seems like the sword sort of broke his mind in some way. So how could any of us wield it? Or how can we even possibly carry it? I want to look at the magic cloak. Great. Oh, can we wrap it up in the magic cloak? I'm Lincoln, yeah. That's what's up. Yeah, that's so good. You guys know enough about magic items and stuff that in order for you to use this weapon, you would need to like attune yourself to it. Right. Like hold it and learn how to use it. So if you were to just like wrap it up in a cloak or something, you would be fine. Okay. You also can, as a paladin, innately sense good and evil? Yeah, I do have that. Divine sense. Detect undead evil. This sword is super evil. Right. Can I like? Yeah. Can we do another history check? Yeah, that's okay. Go ahead. Okay. It's a 15 plus. My history is too. So a 17. 17, great. So you knew that the keep was originally owned by a noble who was paranoid and then hold up in this keep. You can kind of deduce from that that maybe it was the sword that made him crazy. Huh. Do I know the name of the nobleman? You don't off the top of your head. Okay. Young Bev, I think that you have a true and honest spirit and if anyone could wield a cursed blade and resist the lore of evil, feel like your shine and soul would be that soul. Cran and Durlin chime in and they go, yeah man, I think it'd be dope if you had that and Irland goes, oh man, don't do it. I think that this is. Well, seems like a majority rule. I think Irland gets two votes. Wait a minute. I think that this is one of the trials I need to undergo to get my sixth leaf. I think I need to resist evil. This is what it means to walk the path of the ancients, to walk in Pellar's light. Fuck it, I'll do it. Do you actually pick it up for you just joking? You have to wrap it up in the med. Oh, okay, so you guys just take one. I think that's good for now. Let's wait until we can meet with some sort of religious person who can tell us more about it. That later back the Yokemon. Shae. Shae. That's good because I was about to touch that sword. Okay, let's wrap up the sword. Any excuse to see Shae. Yeah. Hey Shae, we rescued the green teens. Hey Shae, so um. We like it. So take a quick bath before we see Shae again. Are we gonna. Let's head back to Moonston. Should we sleep here? Are you gonna head back? You guys can't sleep. You've been awake for like two hours. Okay, cool. I think we should head back to Moonston. So what I said before is we've got the dragon's egg. Yeah. Cool. We've got this sword and actually now the bully wand is taken care of. Yes, the bully wand is taken care of. We actually don't even need to work with the barbarians. No, we can kill them too. All of the cobalt that we know of are also dead. So maybe the next thing we have to do is. I gotta return these green teens to. To Denny. Yeah. Oh, should we get our gold? Then we gotta go to. Are we really gonna return them to Denny? Let's just bring them back. Oh, we'll give them to Mishka. Okay. She was responsible. Yeah. We'll let Denny know. We'll leave Denny a note. Yeah. Let's bring these kids to the inn. Yeah. You want me to heal you by the way? I rolled. I'm back at 18. Okay. So I think I'm okay. If. As long as that's crazy. You see also Durlin comes over and yells "Touch hands!" Oh, I already see another five. Just don't do that in front of anyone in town. This is not a deal. How far are you from full? Crazy. I'm pretty far, but that puts me at 23. Because I rolled that. Okay. 10-3-10. Cran can lay hands you if you need it. I'm okay. I'm okay for now. Let's save Cran for a bit. I whisper to Heart-Kid. You got it, Scout Master. Thanks, Cran. I whisper to Heart-One. They don't think the spell works if they don't say the words. Are you sure? They tell us that in green teens, but when you're fifth leaf like me, you know the difference. Fair enough. Yeah. So are we walking back? Yeah, I think we're walking back. Cool. I think we're still thin as best we can. We don't have a pass without trace anymore though. Okay. Yeah. You see, Jonah turns you guys and says, "Well, now that I'm free, I'm probably just going to go out and look for my cousin." That's true. And my brother cousin. Cool. Yes, that's great. "I can catch you back at the creek, though." Well, I ain't going back to the creek. You mean, see, this is the problem with the creek. You know what's really a mess at the creek? What's that? Everyone's loyalty. Oh, you know what? You turn your back on the creek. Crick turns his back on you. You know what? I can't argue with that. I came here somewhere right in this swamp either. Yeah. Something right all over this good browner. I don't think right anyone. Did we stop walking? Okay, I'm going to go look. You ready, Jonah? I'm going to go look for my family. And he starts, I know you said in one of the early sessions that they make really weird noises that night. You hear him start going, and you hear a distant chorus of, "It's like I'm back home. I laid down and I start to nap." I'm all the kids just figure out, "Did we need to go back?" I'm touched. Sorry, force ahead. I'm touched by this. And I reach in my pocket, and I give Jonah one of my cobalt teeth. Take care of yourself. What's not to you? We love, you know what? We love trading teeth down at the creek. So, tell you what, and he pulls out his own teeth. And it's so loose. It was barely hanging on there. And he hits your hand and he says, "You're a real friend, Beverly." Wow, a lot of gum on that tooth still. Thanks, Jonah. Yeah, there's a nerve on here. Here. Weirdly, I don't feel it at all. I think that nerve died a long time ago. Jonah, I got to send you off with a song. How about "Obetsi" singing something? Actually, you got it. "Obetsi" and a "Sert Planner." Would you mind giving me a performance check with disadvantage because you don't know, hold on. I got it. Can I, yeah, can I accompany? I got a four. All right. Can I paint the scene? Yes. So, I see that you, I see you trying to play the violin and not doing a great job. And I won't stand for that. So, I hop in and, and, and lends you my pipes. And I sing a classic green teen song. "Rilla Performers Check." Okay, so I also got it too. That is the story of this show. I got it too. Never wanted to tell you that, dude. Band of two is the band of two's. Okay, so you're singing a song. All right. Oh, I found myself a little dragon egg. I hope that it will hatch. You can see it. You can see it. You don't have to beg, just don't let it get smashed. I see it on it every night and day. An unto-pele or a light I pray that if it breaks, I'll have a little Drake enter in my dragon patch. You guys, that was at least a four. I thought it was better than it's you. You guys sing an awful song. And you see Jonah even in his endless enthusiasm. Isn't moving at all. He's just politely smiling. We just go, "Hey Jonah, your toe broken, because I don't see a tapet." Oh, I'm so, you know what? That's pretty innocent. And he starts out of obligation bouncing in flames. No, this is, that's a real, you know what? I'm gonna be humming that all day. What is that? He starts to walk, I was just like, "I'm sad I don't know dragons. I ain't no wonder." "Whaah!" "Whaah!" Just a chorus of "Jona's Wip." "Jona's weird rivet was much better of a performance than ours." Oh. Well, you know, we got time to learn. But before we do that, let's go, maybe Shane knows how to play the fiddle. Yeah. Teach me how to- I was so excited. Teach me how to fiddle. So excited to sing that dang song, and I rolled a fucking two. You actually would have sung it better if you rolled higher. Ultimately, it was for nothing. It was to impress a crick-bully one. [laughter] So you should be happy that one of your twos was on that. I turned, I turned to the green teens and be like, "So what do you think?" You see, Durlin and Krann just look at the ground, and Irlin goes, "It was real good, bro." "What's wrong with your thumb?" "Usually it's so straight up right now, it looks so-." "You don't look kinda hooked." "Yeah, you're happy." "That's like, I see." "It almost like you're a heart-a-ning in it." "Good job, man." "Yeah, thanks, thanks, everyone." "Be proud of yourself or find who the dragon take, man." "I guess that's pretty cool, huh?" "Oh wow, you found the egg!" "Oh, yeah, can we round it around?" "Oh, that's so cool!" "Check it out." "Oh wow, it's got little scales, it's like a dragon." "Yeah." "Oh, it's like a dragon." [laughter] "I don't know how to do it." "It's not like a dragon." "It's like a dragon egg." "No, can I hold it?" "Don't give it to Durlin." "Aggle of Durlin." "Durlin's, we don't know what to do." "No lip into a dragon egg, okay?" "I've got a feeling it might just be a regular egg." "Don't let her have the egg." "Are the eggs you eat ton of the quick black and scaly?" "No, but I mean, I haven't eaten too many eggs in other countries." "I do like to think that the geese at the creek are very big." [laughter] "Oh, that's so cool." They're well, they got big personalities. (laughing) - You hear deep from the distance of the forest. - You talking about creakies? (laughing) - Big personalities in our life. - Zero is talking. (laughing) - What? (laughing) - What? - Okay, I'm ready to go home. (laughing) - All right, let's head back to moonstone. - All right. - We can put these youngins up for the night. - Yeah, Wemishka, maybe not alert Denny to their existence. - You guys are gonna tell your boy Denny? - Oh, see, they're the teens are? - As long, we had talked to Denny, as long as he doesn't do anything with the teens except we'll return them. - Okay, so you guys make your way back through the swamp. It takes you guys like a couple hours retracing your steps going back. - One thing you notice as you approach the edge of the forest is that normally the glow of the bay is so bright that it kind of lights up the sky and you can see it. But as you approach, the glow's not there, it's dark. - No glow, no glow though. - Someone took that, no glow though. - Who the fuck took that, try it. - My face went no glow though. You guys get to that old dilapidated dock where you left your boat and you see that it's completely dark. - Oh shit. - It's that damn shaman. - We got those water walking scrolls. - Yeah, well, we should investigate this. - We're gonna have to each take a little youngin' on our back. - I think we should maybe get the youngins to safety first. Suddenly thunder hits and a crack of lightning lights up the sky and it begins to rain. - I pull out my rain jacket. - Now that is, now it's that. - All the green deans pull out little rain coats. - Okay, those are loud, put them away. - Green, green, yeah. - Yeah. - They're just squeaking in their jackets, trying to fit in. Dirlins is a little small. Dirlins a big boy. - Yeah. - Now if that ain't the fingerprint of a shaman, I don't know what it is, right? - Yeah. - Control in the weather. - It's really likely, yeah. - I think that, you guys, your boat is still there. - Oh, the boat's still there? - I thought you said that it wasn't there. - No, no, no, no. - The moonstone thing was gone. - Geography check, so it's based not lit up. - So where are you, like, you're where you came in, that dilapidated dock that you left your boat at? - Yeah, but we're there. - You're starting to get back to like the other side of the bay, right? - Correct. - Okay, cool. We should head to the other side of the bay, right? - Yeah. - Okay, great. You guys hop in in the boat or using the scrolls? - Let's hop in the boat. - Yeah. - Cool. - I think what we should do is this. I think that the boat is gonna be unstable, so I think that we should use the boat that have two of us use the scrolls to stabilize the boat. - Should we just have the scrolls at the ready? - I think the scrolls at the ready just in case the boat capsizes. - Way less elaborate, sure, we can do that. (laughing) - If you wanna have less fun. - Yeah, the scrolls of water walking, you cast it on yourself, you can't cast it on a boat. - Emily, that's just a boat. - I'd say we cast it on ourselves and then we're stabilizing the boat. - But they only work for 20 minutes, right? - Yeah, yeah. - So you're just gonna hang on to them? - What a crazy decision, Emily. - Okay, then you know what, let's get in. - We would ever do such a thing. - Let's get in the boat. - Mr. Teeth Collector. - And I'll use shape water to be stabilizing the water around our boat. - The water's not too choppy, it's raining a bit, so it's like, you know, you're feeling some waves there. You guys get in the boat. - Can I use shape water to make the raindrops look like hearts? - Perfect. - Absolutely. - As they hit the water, they turn into little hearts. But as you guys are going across the bay, when you guys were going out towards the swamp, there were fish jumping up and everything. When you guys look in, you see some fish, but there aren't that many around. It's no longer, there's no longer some magic presence. - No more sea bass just laying the mard. - No more cod popping up into your boat. - I hate to say this, but sometimes a stray at the bay. (laughing) - Brilliant. Shit, we can't end it there. We have to record more. - Yeah, we have to be gone. All right, so as you guys, - I just said it again later. - As you guys get closer to town, you hear screams. Huh? - You hear screams and crazy animals. - The champereens back on. - You hear bears growling, horses and goats neighing, birds squawking. - Can I do a perception check to see if it's that they're getting riled up by the storm or if there's like a war going on? - Oh, something ain't right. You don't even need to roll. - Is it a fight or is it them getting antsy because of the weather? - It sounds like the animals are going fucking bat shit. - Okay. - So it's the drizzle. - Even the bats are going bat shit. - Well, this is that shaman that we didn't do anything about. - So as you guys get up to the dock, you see a fisherman is being attacked by an eagle. (laughing) - An eagle's just like packing out of me. - Okay. - Oh, I don't think you guys can talk to the animals. - Do you wanna do it or should I? - I don't think. - I was packing out of it. He's packing out of me. - You do. - He has to be able to get animals on the eagle. - Okay. - And I say, "Hustop creature! What you after?" - He keeps clawing at the fisherman and he turns to you and he goes, "Kill the people, kill the people who are involved, who don't have the party's house, kill the people, kill the people, kill the people." - What's he gonna do this? - Kill the people, kill the people. - He said the people who killed that pony. - Kill the people who don't have the party's house. - Okay, I chill touch the eagle. - Roll your attack roll. - You're gonna be able to pull us to five, seven. - Bandit is. - You know, you shoot out your chill touch and the little eagle flaps out of the way. - Okay, as my chill touch misses, it turns into a middle finger. - That's a little insult. - And he just says, "Fuck you, fuck you." - Chill the insult. - "Fish or mid, fuck you, I agree. I agree with the hand. I agree with the hand." - Okay, all the, someone has enchanted these animals to attack. Anyone that is in a barbarian. - You see the eagle claw. - Sounds like something the barbarians would do. - The fisherman's eye out. - Oh gosh. - And he's just getting attacked. - I'm just standing there talking. - I javele in the eagle. - Cool, throw a javele in. - It really sucks to kill an eagle. I hate that we have to do it. - That's a 16. - That hits. - Okay. - Roll damage. - That's five. - Can I? - Okay. - Okay, sweet. - Shoot's out of the sky. You see the fisherman is just holding his eye. Ah! Oh, why are you talking to him? Why are you talking to him? Why didn't you just kill him as soon as he saw him? - We need him for intel. - You'll think us when we save your gall dang villain. - I'm not gonna goddamn think you are gonna have a fucking arm. - I'm pushing this. - You're gonna get a patch. He falls into the water. Just yelling and hollering. - All right. - I give him 10 gold coins. - He's throwing into the water. Like it's a wish found in. - You make a wish, is that really? - And he's holding his eye, but still trying to collect all the coins as he goes. You see the green teeds are so horrified. - Oh man, this is fucked up. - Yeah, right? It's got a cool, huh? No. This is like a Tuesday for us. Like for me and my two scout masters. - Yeah, and this kind of shit happens all the time. - I was in a bag for a day. - Let's run back in. - Rightfully so. - Where are you running? - I think we need to run ashore. - We should head towards Mishka's, right? - Yeah. - Cool. So you guys rush into town and you see a druid in a green cloak casting a spell, trying to calm down a horse that is going wild. And he casts a spell and the horse calms down and you see he starts to pet it. All right, let's talk to this druid. - Yeah. Hey, what are you casting? How are we gonna, what do you think is going on? - Oh, hey. I care for the end. - Hey. - What's that? - You were on the moon early. My name's Mateo. How are you? Are those devil sticks in your bag? (laughing) Yes, they are. He starts just doing devil sticks. - Whoa. - He's the super hot half elf dude. - Oh, shit. - And he has long brown hair that's like covering one of his eyes. I just love animals so much. And I just need to help him, but everything's wrong here. Most of the townsfolk are hiding in the temple, but the barbarians, they ordered a bunch of the animals to destroy it. She's trying to hold him off, but she can't do it forever. We gotta get that staff back. - Damn your chill. (laughing) - I know, I just, I just wanna save the earth, you know? He's keeping so calm. I'm trying to stay calm, but I just love animals. And you see he just looks off, pants of land of the distance. (laughing) - What can we do to help? - I just love animals. We gotta get that staff back from that shaman. Do you know where the shaman went? - Hey, Beverly, don't tell him you killed an eagle. (laughing) Excuse me. (laughing) - We spoke to an eagle. - I speak with, we both speak with animals. - I talk to eagles all the time. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And then what's your name? - It's Diane. (laughing) - Hi Diane. I'm Mateo. (laughing) - Yeah, you made that clear. - Huh. - And you love animals. - All right. Let's go save the animal, shall we? - Yeah, we gotta get you. - When we gotta get you. - We say, Matt. - You see he moves back as cloak and you see he shirtless under it and the range of glizzles and glizzles and stuff, this muscle. (laughing) Come now. - Wow, you're stelt. - I gotta look between his pecs and hard ones pecs and then back and forth. A couple of times, - Hard ones are bigger, for sure. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Go ahead and roll a performance check. - I guess Mateo. (laughing) - Well, goddamn, that's a 22, Mateo. (laughing) - He got a 17, so you guys both just start popping your pecs and you're definitely not be- - Can I use shape water to make all the rain, all the rain drops drum from Mateo's pecs too. - Oh my God, yeah. Okay, so start. - My part one is just listening so much better. - It's not even devil's-thicks, I'll perform them. (laughing) - Suddenly a bear runs by carrying Scoutmaster Denny. Little helpier guys. - We just let him do this. (laughing) - I think we're- - You good? - I have residual feelings for Scoutmaster Denny. - Oh, the bear is running off with him. - Oh gosh. - Herland and Krann are- - Is my speaking animal still working? - How long does it last work? - 10 minutes, that's what mine is. - Oh, shit, that's-- - So I say to the bear, I say, have fun. - Bear, you see Mateo turns, that bear isn't trouble. And that bear isn't troubling away. He's acting against his nature. - Why are you so out of breath, still? - I don't think you need to make this so great. I just speak breathy, it's just natural. I just love animals. I love animals in nature. If you guys don't seem that impressed, usually people think I'm cool. Does anyone have silent stuff? - Okay, I'm gonna go save this little guy. - No, yeah, let's all go save Danny. - Well, you guys can go to the hunger trout in. That's where all the barbarians are. I can try to save the little half way. - Wait, the barbarians are at the end? - Yeah, okay. - Okay, well, we can't take the green teens there. - Leave the children with me. - Okay, yeah, so no, wait. - We are not leaving children with a bear. - I've never heard a bear. I'm going to save that bear. - You're gonna get killed by a bear. - Halfling. - Damn it, any kisses hard one on the lips. (laughing) I have to go. Where did you get this sign? - This is neat. - I did not put off these vibes. He runs off with the kids. They go, "We're gonna save Scout Master Danny!" And they chase after the bear. - No matter how much I'm spending. - You saw that I didn't kiss him back, right? - So, are we cool with that? Are we cool with just letting this really pretty attractive but not super attractive stranger? - I think that we need to find the barbarians or whoever is controlling this enchantment. - It's true, it's only gonna get worse. You guys hear animals and screams. - This whole thing is about to. - It is fucking chaos. And that guy just told you that the dude with the staff is at the Hungary Trout Inn. And that Shay is holding off people from destroying the temple. - I shout to Erlin and the rest as they're going. - I say like, "Head towards the temple, you'll be safe there. Don't go with this dude." You got it, buddy. - I give him the thumbs up. - But they would be safe with me. - I think that that's your opinion. - It might be the kiss, but I actually do trust Mateo. - Fair enough, my friend. - You're sending out a lot of signals, Mateo. - Yeah, your lips were super soft. - All right, we should head towards the tavern. So you guys get to the Hungary Trout Inn and tavern and you see Ravens swirling overhead. Like this full fucking thunderstorm nightmarish shit. - Normal. - Ravens swirling overhead. You see barbarians pouring out of the, you don't see any regular people, just barbarians hanging out of the tavern, drunken rowdy, celebrating. They've clearly taken the place over. You see the old bard who is playing the fiddle, the first time you guys run into it. You see he's running out of the tavern with a bunch of laughing barbarians. One guy has a whip and is just cracking it out. - Oh, fuck that. - Look, we need to sneak in and talk to Mishka. - He starts running out. Suddenly you see the orc shaman stands atop the Hungary Trout Inn and tavern and he lifts the glowing trident in the air and a beam of white shoots into the sky and the birds that were hovering up there now hovering around it. Suddenly he's joined by a tall, broad-shouldered man, thick of calf and quad with long brown hair. - Excuse me? - He wears a single leather poldrin. He's holding a torch. You see he flashes a smile and you see he has several golden teeth instead of missing teeth and he pulls out a leather bullhorn and yells out. - People of Moonstone, who would have thought it? The greatest druid in this village, no. In this world is the crack tooth clanson london cold spear. And he gestures to the druid standing next to him and he says give him a round of applause everyone and all of the barbarians start shouting up and sheering. - While this is happening, can we try and sneak around to the back of the town? - Sure, go ahead and give me a stolt check. - Yeah. - That's a tube from your boy. - Cool. - Bandit tubes. - Uh, that's gonna be 14. - All right, cool. I gotta set it. As you guys start sneaking around, this dude flashes a gold smile and he says, well apparently some people around here don't have any manners and can't listen to a nice man when he's giving a compelling speech. And he turns and he looks at you guys and you see that the shaman next to him also clocks you guys. - Well, at least one of us has impeccable welders. Look at that tube mood, Charlie. And you see he pulls down the bullhorn and he says, - I take out my fiddle and I start playing. (laughing) - He start playing the fiddle, bring a performance check. - I say, in honor of this great shaman who has displayed powers that I have never seen, I would like to play a song. - You roll me a performance check with disadvantage because you don't know how to play the fiddle. (laughing) - It's gonna be a five. - A five, okay. - You start playing this terrible song on the fiddle. - I'm also singing along. - Can I join in to try and help again? - Sure, perhaps. - I have to say, your performance check. - Don't sing about the fucking dragon's egg. - That's a 13 plus six. - Cool. - You start singing a beautiful song over this terrible fiddle sound. - I sing the song that Pippin sings. (laughing) - And it is in a-- - Is that Pippin? - In Ministreth. - Oh, I thought you were talking about the musical Pippin. - No. - Okay. - The one that Pippin sings at the people. - Right, right. - The one that when it comes up, on your work playlist, you're like, "Fuck, I can't concentrate. There's a boy singing." - Yeah. - I do a dour boy song. - Okay, you sing a dour boy song over terrible fiddle. - I'm playing it wrong. I'm like playing it like I'm holding a guitar. - Great. - There's a crash of thunder as all of the barbarians laugh. And he goes, "You're funny. You know what? Now that I'm the king of this town, you can be my court gesture." - Okay. - And you hear the old bard that just ran out of the building. He perks up and he looks at you guys. As he's running away, he stops his tracks and he goes, "Oh, Betsy, that's his fiddle." - Hey, he's talking to you. - You see, he walks over to you guys. So I don't bet you, I could hear. - Is it old Betsy yours? - Can I ever, can I just hold it? - Do you got a fiddle? - I do got a fiddle. - That's what I'm saying. - We can swap seals. - We can swap seals. I haven't seen old Betsy since the dragon was here. They were making us give up our most prosperous to the dragon I never thought I'd see her again. - I tuned it, don't worry. - I changed it. So much. You hear in the background. - Okay, all right, let's stop talking to the fucking board. All right, here's the long and short of it. I am Gresh. I have dominated your people, your beasts, your town. Denounce your God and join us or die. - Whoo, wee. I look at my amulet of Pellor and I shake my head. - Is there a name for my new fiddle that I just got? Does that have a name on it? - It's new Betsy. (laughing) I can't, I can't forsake my God. I can't do it. - They're not asking us. I mean, they're not gonna ask us directly. - Okay, I whisper that to you. - I can't forsake my God, I can't do that. - Yeah, you don't need to. - I don't know, he made it seem like I'm gonna have to do that. Like, there's gonna be a test. - Ben, I can't cheat on a test. - Just keep it quiet and let's see how this plays out. - Okay. - I don't have the upper hand here, I don't know if you've noticed. - I got socks. (laughing) Yeah. (laughing) - God socks. You know what, you look like a strong one. Why don't you come up here with us? - All right, all right. Good quads on your brother. - Do you wanna climb up onto the-- - Sure, yeah. - Okay. - Climb it up. - You climb up on up. - Cool. - You're up there with the shaman and garash. - Hey, sir, shaman. All right brother, bend the knee. - Bend the knee, of course. Do you get that knee? - He's so bold to me. He only said bend one knee. Jesus, hard one. - All right, so I'm gonna, oh my god, dammit. I, like bend the knee, yes. I've been this guy over and him, and the guy in my foot. (laughing) Okay, and that's where we're all end our session. - Oh no. - Hard one, I thought. - For a second that you were actually gonna bend the knee. - I think you were thinking about it. - There was, no, you can't, like Beverly won't forsake his god and I won't bend my knee. - Yeah, he just can't be done. - Hard one's god is pride. - Start off next week with you neighing this dude in the throat. - Yeah, yeah. - The fake, the fake knee to the ground and then the real knee to the throat. - Yeah, I'll pick up from that. - Oh, so you've got some momentum. - Yeah. - You're coming up from the ground. - That's a classic dwarf trick because they're so used to people having to bend over to talk to them. - That's right. - And you learn that from your daddy. - Well, I never knew my father. - Well, you're adopted daddy. - Right, the mountain. (laughing) - Cool guys, so yeah, we're gonna wrap it up here. Follow us on Twitter @chmurfismey @calledthesecalled, well @yaxford is Emily and @jkerwitz is Jake. Check out the subreddit guys are not another DND podcasts. It's D, the letter N, D. podcast. Oh, we also wanted to thank. We had somebody sent us some nice little dice boxes. Yeah, it's really dope. Just behind the scenes. I'm using purple. I got green. I got the blue. I got the red color of blood because I'm going to kill these guys next. So yeah, we wanted to thank James Thomas who sent these. He said they were made by dog might games, which is a fantasy woodworking company. Guys, I got to say this is a freaking cool product. Yeah. Does anybody wants to send us cool shit? Where can they send a call? They can send it to 1920. Hillhurst Avenue number 222. Los Feliz, California 90027. That's our PO box. Cool guys. So we'll pick up next week with this barbarian showdown. Yeah. Either an epic fight or fleeing like Craven cowards, a Craven retreat or an epic fight. You decide. No, we'll decide. We'll do it. All right. Now, would everyone please join me in the official green teen anthem, a POD's youth of the nation. Absolutely. Gladly. We are we are youth of the nation. We are we are. Hey guys, thanks for listening. We're going to do our shout outs now. I'm going to start with people who requested Scoutmaster Denny. So here he is. I would like to reward wild Jim and Brock their podcast appreciation badges for excellence in podcast listening. A couple people asked for the capture to bully Wug with his head being held in place. So here he is. A hearty shout out to Eric ADDD and GTC4. Now will you please let go of my face? Thank you much better. A user zilver said his name is Jonah and wants a shout out from Jonah the Crick bully Wug. So oh, hey, we have the same name. Now ain't that something. You stop by the Crick anytime and we'll wrestle. You hear? Someone asked for a Berlin shout out of all people. So oh, hey wizard magic. What's good man? Do you have any or Xbox? Two bros asked for Josh. So let's see if we can channel his spirit in hell. Oh, what's up, Dr. Funk and steen and Uncle Riz. I'm in hell for all my crimes against the world. There are no squat racks here and my ass is shrinking. My life sucks ass, but shout out to you guys. Greggy Jones asked for us to sing POD. So I'll just do that. We are we are shouting out Greggy Jones. We are we are. Thanks for listening everybody. Let's catch up with hard one Beverly and moonshine. My guy more dread is a guy that inspires the most dread. Jan runs trails fleet of foot. Jan doesn't run trails. Jan makes trails. That guy 2261 is the guy who strikes fear in the heart of that guy zero through that guy 2260. Collier Farwin the far out killer the bane of the unworthy. Hey art the mad artist one who paints murals of his enemies in their own blood. Kubuchin the urchin lord sharp as a sword's edge. Ben Fox the swiftman of the woods fierce and loyal wise and savage. Emerald minor the double pickaxe of cloud breaker mountains the crown jewel of Bahumia. Coupar the beard braider. I bow my head and thanks to you all. A short list of some of my favorite novels by Beverly Togold the fifth. Number one the Toe of the Goblin by Bella Ballerina. Number two chromatic cats by Nyan cat loves me. Number three boy meat sword by Hooket Corey. Number four everything you ever needed to know about lizards but were too afraid to ask by Jimmy W aka the gecko guy. Number five sick ducks by Nick Pucks and finally number six immortal arts and crafts techniques volume nine beyond God's eyes by master Z Felton happy reading. Hey all moonshine here wanted to give a quick shout out to my critkin. Crick Royal T the stumpy night rises. Crick trickster. Esco hefty find the pride of the Crick our fields 84. Nautilittle Crickster to Thicktown Crick creep rainy and the Crick's very own prodigal young and rebel redbird. That was a hit down podcast.