Ep 644 - Bum Check (feat. SWIM)

wild wild west okay yeah hey we're ready to do the podcast ready dude this is time it's time we're fired up have you adjusted well here or were you still spinning out in terms of like the low i know like i felt like i wasn't spinning out until six months past and i was like damn i was chilling dude you've been chilling i've been chilling that's what i thought on the bus the bus is chill i told me you're taking the bus to his house it's crazy you're taking the bus dude it's free i mean free bus it's nice i couldn't turn he was like yeah you want to i was like dude the bus is free today yeah that's right in front of my house for election day yes but i started some commotion on the bus what'd you do the bus driver didn't know it was free so i hopped on there was three gentlemen on the bus already and he hit me for my fare because i walked right by him he said excuse me sir yeah he was good he's a yo man you gotta pay fair and i'm like bro the bus is free today he said sir i'm a democrat you well i was like it's free i hit from the fact that the bus was free and then there were three gentlemen that he had hit for a fair so they started screaming at him oh yeah they started they took they all worked for their money and then they had to give it to the dude were they breaking his balls more so they were more so breaking his balls because it was only a dollar i mean it's pretty setting off three old black dudes that's they were young they were like 30s they were fired up though but they were giving it's interesting you assume that that's true he told me he's self-admitting it's interesting you just assume something it's better i think it gives more for me it's more about texture to the story setting off having three black dudes on your ass over a couple bucks i that's they were it's just interesting it adds to the element of the story less and less it's interesting it's free the bus is free on election day it's interesting there's no nba games that's interesting is there nothing on tonight there's no nba right no way i could be i could be wrong i think the liberal league says no games on election day i could be wrong yo there's no games it's just interesting that's very interesting it's very interesting you got to get out and rock the vote you know you don't get any nba but they also you gotta vote no basketball until you vote and you get your dessert dude you know they have an app to track whether you voted or not yeah dude and how people come to my house they come that he's two ladies knock up and like oh just so you know it's like yeah get the fuck out of my house but they knock up there we see that bro you can check your family members to see if they voted or not you can text them like did you vote if they're like yeah they're like i've said so you didn't damn that's a thing they have and now they have ladies yeah i get youtube ads that's like all my target youtube ads are like you know you don't say who you voted for but they know whether or not you voted and your friends and family can see that you didn't vote bro i wasn't gonna vote republican but if one of those ladies comes to my house you need to vote and i'll give you a ride to the polls i'll say thank you for the ride i'm doing it now straight republican ticket are you a paxton head i was thinking about that he got his boy out of out of jail did you see his comeback no he's like everyone's trying to say i let a pedophile after one day he was in there for 60 60 60 days for petting look i'm just saying you do have to respect the loyalty yo if you went down for it i'll go give him 60 give him 60 let him think about it for six. yeah put him in the can for six let him miss football season that's gonna suck that's a hot defense it's like you let a pedophile one day he's like try 60 60 days is crazy two months and frico's on it too frico is on it the towel fricos are on his ass before letting the peter i think he's gonna win frico's gonna win for sure he's gonna win for sure yeah he's the pedophile hunters became a nice that was a great move by the libs yeah because it was all right-wing people that were like we need to stop the pedophiles. yep and then when trump got in office the libs were like i thought you guys wanted to stop pedophiles yeah and now both parties have to agree dude we're definitely that's what they do libs were quiet on the pedophiles they almost made they had the chess piece like are pedophiles gay adjacent and then everyone's like dude get the fuck you know okay okay we'll put it back we'll put it back well with the trump's pedophile actually they try to kind of yeah they try to do what they were putting out like minor attractive person minor attractive persons they were putting out articles yeah they were like cruising for thinking about adding it to the flag and then they go wait a second we can use this they almost had yeah that like before if you mentioned pedophiles you were lumped as a conspiracy theorist yes so like if you were like he's a pedophile i was like oh you're a right-wing nazi for saying years ago yeah but then they flip but dude that's what they do constantly of course because like back in the day all the conspiracy theorists were left-wingers and then they flipped it they gave it to the right-wing bros and then they're gonna flip it again so it's a constant game of confusion yeah who done it true yeah they were hardcore they stopped the occupy wall street was like that was like the peak of left-wing conspiracy yeah or it was like definitely a high mark and then it just like out of nowhere they flipped they flipped the switch they love pfizer now it's just like i thought you guys like hated all of capital experts now they do love like that's the new lib thing to be like i would rather listen to a doctor it's like okay you remember people like subtly put that on you oh yeah where they're like well i mean you're not a doctor and you're like i mean we both have google now though so it's like i hold it down like the old school russians where it's kind of you kind of like laugh at medicine you're like if you believe in that that's it's kind of your business but we both know those old school russians were like if you got a doctor they'd be like good luck bro what's that guy know but also to their credit like the doctors back then would come in and be like uh like there's the one thing i was reading and the the lady was like a it's like an 18 year old girl and he was like i gotta see her naked just to like see how she's there if her if her low i gotta see her and they kept like staring at this lady naked he's like seems all right and she was like the lady was pissed she was like bro what the fuck was this in classic russia or recently it was just it was a fiction story but i see okay but but back in the day they would send you to the springs if you were sick back then they would be like go like travel abroad and go sip like spring water from france doctors used to slap though like doctors used to like like back in the day you'd be like is there a doctor in the house and he would have his bag and he'd be right yeah but they've kind of fallen to just like super nerds that like did really good in school and like went all they kept doing really good in school as good as they could do yeah now they're doctors speaking of i don't know if i've defended it here before but the uh speaking of doing really good in school the at texas football games they're getting a lot of heat because anytime they show the student section it's mostly indian really or maybe not mostly but it's a lot it's a lot i'll get there dude i'll get there now everybody's making fun of them but it does make me very happy i enjoy it i like seeing the indians on the screen again for college football you go now that's assimilation yeah it is i like that if everybody if everybody came in and was like dude i got a college football team you go you're in dude yeah fired up uh but the reason they're getting all the seats is i think texas bases their uh student section on gpa so they get first whoever has the highest gpa gets first dibs on the tickets so now the whole student section is just a bunch of indian i think it's fucking nice i think that like white kids aren't getting tricked into college like they were back in our day like remember back when we were in high school like if you weren't going off to college like it was kind of frowned upon yeah you're the dude my school used to put a shamrock up with your name and what school you're going to yeah and then there'd be like three shamrocks at the end that were like dude work i went to a loser probably gonna die soon it's like trade school uh sucks i went to drexel we didn't start you know everyone went away to college when you were a senior they all left like in early august you said bye to all your friends drexel didn't start till the end of september and i was working at a dry cleaner in town so like all these parents would come in and be like oh that's nice you got a job like i'm going to school in the 27th here's my acceptance but like i went a whole month after and i had a tight job at a dry cleaner i remember that it was that was probably one of my best jobs really did you ever you ever find cash in the pockets dude one of the first weeks i found like 300 bucks right and i pulled my boss aside it was just like beautiful puerto rican lady and i was like hey i found 300 bucks in this guy's suit like what do we do here and she took it and she was like you don't say anything next one's yours it's a bad thing took the whole thing it was like next time you shut the fuck up was there ever a next time constant oh nice i was never a bag like that it was always 20s and 10s i want to go back for the vape pens you probably find so many vapes nowadays you probably find tons of like nick pouches tons of vape pens when i was when i was cleaning out uh repoed cars there was my my co-worker it was just me and him he was a special needs man and he was cleaning out the coins what kind of oh you get like he was every single fucking coin drawer he was he had jars of fucking nickels i like that he was fired up and then phil would come pick me up and be like you making him work and be like yeah he sucks at his job phil allied with the bro what was your job just cleaning out repo literally cleaning out a parking lot of repoed cars you ever find anything real sick like knives or guns or something like that yeah like a cd book that's kind of those are nice probably all mixes though uh it was mostly like condoms and diapers that have been sitting in a oh that's a brutal mix like unpacked yes yeah bags are used bro disgusting oh jesus you could you could use condoms for like little impromptu rain boots for your infant this episode is brought to you by viore oh yeah i've been wearing the sunday performance joggers and i'll be honest i didn't expect to have opinions about joggers but i do oh i know you do well they're soft lightweight and have four-way stretch so they can move with you with no restriction they're technically work so you can train in them but they don't look like workout clothes you can wear them out and people will think you've got your life together honestly they're comfier than whatever you're wearing right now unless you're already wearing viore in which case respect and with the holidays coming up viore makes gift giving easy uh i was close to that uh whether it's the sunday collection or the strato collection their best sellers are go-to gifts for everyone on your list including yourself get 20 off your first purchase at viore.com secret and discover the versatility of viore clothing exclusions apply visit the website for full terms and conditions you can just wrap their legs in them you might need some mags yeah for baby leg what was he cleaning up change wise like 20 bucks a day yeah probably strawberry flavor's going on dude i was telling matt before he got me here i got bum checked when i got off the bus because i pulled up into matt's neighborhood and i'm always turned around in matt's neighborhood but i forgot that i had had my bus because the bus was free i didn't know it so i had like 10 dimes and i was shaking my hand and then i asked some gentleman in his neighborhood i'm like yo which way is like the coffee shops and i was shaking my dimes while i asked him and he was like it's that way and i was like all right thanks bro and he's like are you good man you need anything and i was like i'll probably just get like a matcha latte or something and i was like oh fuck i'm shaking changing yeah definitely while asking you where the fresh off the free bus i'm not going to vote i'm getting coffee but he was like fully ready to hook me up i should have worked him for a fucking free matcha but my family's up in the car once i mentioned the matcha latte like the confusion kind of cleared and he's like yeah you say matcha you're not homeless yeah you should have screamed at him though and scared him he was like all right i was confused until i realized i'd been fidgeting with change while talking to him but it was just my unused bus fare i might start a group fitness class down around my neighborhood where it's just it's homeless fitness where you just like you just it's like bro just go nuts they're jacked they're already the most fit yeah but you can still run around it's like yes scream people burn a thousand calories just running full speed i was driving with my daughter the other day and there was some tweaked out dude at the bus stop like doing like spastic tweaker movements and my daughter was like yo dad that guy's got so many muscles you don't have any oh and i was like no i got muscles and she pulled her own shirt up and was like you have the same body i have and she's like look at this dude she's got like a little baby belly she's like you look just like me when you're like honey he's a loser and i was like that guy's not doing work like i started trying to explain like crystal meth that guy's been up for fucking a week like screaming at her i was like it's a lost cause like you're kind of right go over there and tell him what's yeah i was gonna go there's your boyfriend there's your fucking boyfriend go talk to him see how cool he is hop out spend a day at the bus stop with him dude i i get jealous of how ripped those guys are sometimes but we we saw one time we were sitting there and we just came off the highway and we're like on like an underpass and this guy had a rope and he was just swinging it above his head and it was me my and chloe and my it's like what's he doing what's he doing i'm like i don't know my i was like he's going crazy and she's like he knows what he's doing he's i was like he's up to something then he took the rope and he went and threw it and hurled it across the street and she was like what was that for i'm like my nobody knows he's doing crazy stuff and she was like ah she thought it was the funniest shit ever he's locked in she thought it was so i was like you'd have to ask him but like he's just doing that because he's nuts she'll lasso a car i was like he's gonna break he's gonna break a loose rope it's just a loose rope with something heavy on the end he was whipping it he's launched it over our car and i was like he's just going crazy that's what fascinates me down here is we never had tweakers yeah northeast so like all of our like people that were on drugs on the street were sleepy heads and like folded over but down here like i saw a dude like cleaning a long piece of metal the other day and i'm like damn these guys are on a mission yeah they're rocking it's like they're not like dude they're not even asking for money either they're out locked in doing their thing they're they're they're a lot of them get into the scooter hustle you'll like just take scooter batteries apart and they'll fucking like store them somewhere that warehouse i had there was a bro living in there who was i swear to god repelling down from the roof he would climb up on the roof he had a rope attached to a skylight that had been busted out and he would climb down on a roof and get in there and that's how he originally did he opened the door and unlocked it so he would climb to the top of the warehouse that's how he got in he batmaned inside and then be in the warehouse be in the warehouse and then he would climb to the top of the warehouse and then he was just stealing like people's motorized scooters and just taking the batteries apart there was like 40 scooter batteries in the fucking thing it's admirable it is like in his head he was gonna fill that warehouse for a good use yeah he actually yeah i think he was doing oil changes illegally in there we should start funding these guys for a year and be like just follow your vision yo see what happens to the whole tweaker tank would be nice tweaker tank would be sick just call in like 12 tweakers and be like what are you up to today and he's like i gotta take apart this vcr and be like here's ten thousand dollars and i'm like i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna take apart a ton of them and finish your project true like follow your vision till it's and get them a full medical team that could be like yo bro hold on we're gonna put you in like a medicated coma okay back mom meth them up right back out there just get them the perfect amount of meth exactly constantly apparently if you shoot meth you there's urban legend but i've heard it's true that you'll come your pants you can there's a there's a mythic dose of ivy meth that will make you bust so just putting that out where did you hear this read it i've been researching meth i've had it on a good amount of time i've had it on a good amount of time i've had it on a good amount of time i've had it on a good amount of time so there's like a nut dose you can hit there's a nut dose there's a nut dose where it's like if you get the right dose you just bust it's i swear to god what's your refractory period what do you mean like when can you bust again after busting that i don't know but i'm pretty sure you get it right up those dudes those dudes like go on for like 24 hours straight they hit levels of horniness that are unforeseen yeah it's crazy but no that the frill look up the nut dose that guys look that up you can literally nut your pants i was reading a quora post about like i'm sorry i can't advise you on how to shoot such a square when you ask about meth prices oh my gosh oh yeah this is gonna be an easy peasy oh yeah this episode is presented by prize picks basketball season is off to a crazy start and prize picks has your back when other apps don't with features like the injury reboot if a player in your lineup gets injured in the first half and doesn't return your lineup can still cash uh the price picks injury protection policy helped users win over 31 million dollars in the 2025 football season yeah 31 million dollars that's a lot of money that's enough to kiss your brother all right matt make a pick uh make a pick for the start of the nba season briefly share your reasons go ahead okay uh this season uh i'm i'm all in on maxi and the sixers those guys are maybe the most fun team to watch every night if they stay healthy this might be the season they take it all the way that's that's my guess right now it's a good guess yeah i think so i like it i like what's going on with the 76ers they're a fun team to watch gotta watch the injuries yeah as long as they stay healthy download the app today and use code drench to get 150 instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup that's code drench to get 150 instantly in lineups if you win your first five dollar lineup prize picks run your game run your game yeah grock tightened up lately yeah i don't really what tell you anything yeah they said now has grock ever taken the clothes off of women on twitter i don't know i don't know i've never i haven't seen it once i don't know i've never done the images i'm more i'm more for if you look at twitter there'll be a picture of a girl and they'll say grock take off put her in this outfit yeah they probably i've never seen it i don't know i'm not much of a grock gooner i think you used to but they patched it it used to do it yeah it's pretty funny hot patch we patch it out because you could do it you could do it to fellas too it'd be very funny that would be do it to your friends go put the man in all fours put him in a mortal combat female mortal combat character outfit you see the picture i sent you yesterday what was it dude the body scan photo oh yeah it includes a little bit of dong wait what did you notice that uh the body scan so i got it i had to i had to do this whole vo2 max test i have new doctors that was you that was me so it was they showed they did and it shows your equipment they did a body scan they're supposed to show your body fat and then i like it shows how much it kind of shows your flaccid dog i'm gonna i thought it was your wife i thought it was a weird ultrasound and i zoomed in and i thought it was a pussy and i was like dude that's crazy and i didn't mention it and i didn't want you got pussy doxxed by a doctor dude it was like first thing in the morning i lay on this thing and they scan you for body fat and then i'm like the dude is like messing with the computer i'm looking it looks like a i looked at it real quick because i was afraid it was an ultrasound oh jesus christ dude and there's a nut stain on the top of it there's not a nut stain right before you went to the no i wouldn't pick up a nut stain there's something there's a little nut stain you got a toy car on your butt that's my cheeks bro let me see that that's your brother's penis dude were you tucked huh were you talking dude what do you got it was first thing in the morning i would have been like yo hold up so crazy well it was so funny because i'm looking at the scan it's just the outline of a fat body and a penis and i was like dude that picture's the doctor no i thought i'm not i thought it was feminine no you should have got a packer dude i mean obviously that's all just like the waterway that's a great picture that's quality yeah i got it i sent it to britney right away I was like, dude, this is awesome. She's like, do not send that to anybody. I was like, I'm sending that to Shane right now. That's insane. I don't want to put any, I'm not putting anything on Brittany. It just looked, it looked like a short woman. I know. It was a brutal dude. It makes your head so small. It makes your head, it's just your skull. It's fat. It's just fat. So wherever you see fat. Oh, it's a fat scan? Oh, it's a fat scan. Fuck, dude, I'll never come near that fucking thing. Oh my God, who's making that? It's fat, so it's just registering fat on your body. So I saw that, and it's funny, it was like. That makes a lot of sense, because otherwise this is the craziest looking body. I know, I know. It's just like you're fat. So what is the doctor trying to do? They just want to see where your body's at. You got a fat dick, though. Did your dick show up? No, I don't. I was fully, fully teenest out just laying in that thing, being like, all right, because I thought it was like an orange. What was it, like a tank you went in? It's a DEXA scan. No, you lay on a table and a thing just goes. And a thing just scans you. It's a zero. Your body just goes over you. And then I'm watching the guy go over the phone. There was like three things. That was the first one. He's going over. I'm like, I'm over his shoulder. Like, is that my fucking dick? What the fuck? And then he goes to the other one. He uses the other ones to explain. But then afterwards, I'm like, yo, let me see that first one again. And he pulled it up, and I snapped a picture. And he was like, he looked at me, and I was like, I'm going to use that for flyers and promotions. And he just looked at me like, okay, dude. Was he pumped? He was just kind of like, okay. Just kind of like let it go. But the whole time I was. And they're like. Like, you know when you do that? I don't know if you. When you have a baby, when they do the ultrasound, they're like constantly snapping lines and zooming. And like he had. Yeah, and they're like marking stuff. That's called your like koinoid area. Some bullshit term for it. He was like your trunk and your rondoid area. And I kept just being like, bro, it's just my fucking penis. It's like fucking a guitar shaped body in my penis. It was the most unflattering picture. That's an insane photo. What did he say when it came out? Was he like, you look good? Or was he like. No, they were. Well, they were just kind of like. Body fat's a little high. He's like, turns out you have a fat body and a tiny penis. I didn't need to go get scanned for that. I got a mirror. Damn. Bro, I thought I was ripped. We got. I thought I was ripped. I got out of it. We got way different. Way different doctors. My doctor was like, dude, shit's looking good. I got my blood back yesterday. They're like, bro, you're killing it. Damn. But here's the thing. The fat body penis. That's my humble earth suit. VO2 max test. I showed up. I showed up and showed out. Well, what's VO2 max? Matt put on a mask and sprinted on a treadmill at the universe. Like 50 cent in the club video. Damn. Do you ever see the in the club video? Yeah, yeah. For no reason. Wait, so what are you? Are you just like, yo, what's up? It's just showing you. Are you just trying to get good boy points at the doctor? You're like. No, I haven't been to the doctor in forever. So now I have a doctor who's just like, fuck all that bullshit. We're going to see if you're actually healthy or not. And the VO2 max test is like how much oxygen your body's able to process per minute at max. How long were you there? Like three days? No, I was there for like 20 minutes. I was there for like an hour. What was his readout when he was done? He was just like. Excellent, bro. You're a good boy. Excellent. Yeah, I want to do this. VO2 max is excellent. They put you on a treadmill and it's so. Dude, I was telling everyone, like, this is my way to vest. I've obviously put on this way to vest just so I can get my VO2 max up. But you just, you put on a fucking mask. It's like your head's attached to this like tube and you run on a treadmill at a regular pace, but then they keep jacking the incline. He's a nut. He's a nut. Dude, you are a nut. Yeah, but this is the best part. So I'm like, the thing is, it's 12 minutes straight of running and some people can't finish the test. That was a great fear of mine. That wouldn't be able to finish. Up a fucking incline? Dude, where did you find this doctor? They get up to 12%. They do like, you know, two, four, six, eight, finally 12 and a half. It's just a student at UT who saw my tiny penis on a scan. It's a dude? Dude, it's a bro. What's his, like, what are we working on? There's a lady too involved who's probably seen my penis, but. Jesus. It is what it is. Did he nudge her like, psh? Dude, I mean, they're very professional about it. They were the whole time. I was like, this is crazy. That could never be a doctor. But it did. It's kind of a good thing because it made me laugh. If I scanned a dude and he was packed out, I'd be like, bro, what the fuck? But it is motivation for the treadmill test because I was like, all right, I'm fat as hell. I have a penis. I got to show out on the VO2 max. It was pure willpower. So I was like, towards the four, there's five rounds. There's continuous. Fourth round. He was like, all right, let's finish this out. I'm like, this is really hard, but all right, I can finish this out. I have another minute. And then after that, when he goes, all right, we're going to 12.5%. Let's go. Last one. And I was like, dude, I thought that was the last one because I went all out at the end. I'm dying. And the whole thing, the only thing that got me through it, I was pretending the whole time that I was, there was like this thing where like earth was like exploding and you had to pass a physical test to get your family into outer space. Were you smoking meth yesterday? I mean, what the fuck are you doing? You need to get like 12 meth disciples and take them on these quests with you. They're the only ones that understand what the fuck you're talking about. Everyone else goes to the doctor and they're like. Uh, does anything hurt? And you're like, nah. And you're like, all right. That's what I'm talking about. That's, that's medicine 1.0, dude. Oh, you're on fucking medicine 2.0. I'm on medicine 2.0. I need to run on a treadmill at the university. Like I'm a fucking athlete in the football stadium. Crazy. And they're like, okay, dude, you should be cleared to podcast. Now you can podcast and eat dinner. Guys, you're medically certified. The only exertion you're doing is for the test. Okay. You should be fine picking your brother up tomorrow. It's good for you to let know that you can. Turn it on like that. I mean, the funniest part was, so I, I complete the test. I do for real. Dude, if something pops off and there's a slight incline and you have to run for 12 minutes, no problem. If earth, if earth, are you guys laughing? If earth somehow gets fucked up and there is a physical test that has you get to Mars, I'm going to pass. Sorry. Sir, there's a rope that needs to be thrown across the street tomorrow. You need to make it to the bus stop. You're like, I'm your man. We're going to actually need a lot of scooter batteries. Yeah. Maybe the math guys warehouse and a man who can rappel down. The equipment we need to continue this medical quest. Funniest part is I get done. I'm like, I was shocked. I was like, what the fuck? I can't believe I got a good score in the V. I thought it was going to be terrible. I got done. And then I, the original lady who did the intake walks by and she got to go. And I was like, nah, bragging. Got excellent. She was like, yeah, go for a superb. It was just a completely didn't miss a step. She was like, yeah. Like a certification when you left for your life. No, I just had no offense. No offense. No, no, no. I'm taking. She probably deals with the biggest dildos in Austin. Every single fucking tech, bro. The worst dudes alive. Come in there and be like, I need to test my VO to say you're 48. Nothing matters. Why? The dude was telling me he goes, because you do the gradual test gives you like different information for like zone one through five. He's like, we get a lot of people who come in off of like a video they saw online. They go, bro, I want to do all out sprint VO to. And he's like, well, it kind of like defeats the purpose. If you had gone through that body scan and showed a huge dick, would you have just left at that point? That's for sure. That's for sure. I would have not. I would have put the mask on and I would just want to walk on a thing like this. Just fucking. I would hit the claw. I would hit the claw the whole time. I need to go see this. I would have been like. Yeah, it was a weird morning. I had a good experience with my my blood doctor with a buzz. Good blood. The blood was great, but it was very funny because she was like. Hey, you know, I know who you are and you're very stressed. She was like, you doing all right? Because you had a massive cortisol spike. How was your blood pressure? Fucking brutal blood pressure. I don't think shows up in that. They don't test that, too. They test it before with the little. Was it good? It was good. Yeah. Dude, they don't do the pump anymore. They have like a weird little machine and you put it on your thing. I went to the dentist yesterday and they gave me a blood pressure thing. It was just a little wristband I had across my chest. I didn't know. I didn't know what a quarter. So spike was I just heard. I thought it was just a look maxing funny term. It was a real thing. Oh, it's a very real thing. So wait, you have a constant cortisol spike or like. No, it's just recent. It's just the last month. Damn. She called you on a cortisol spike. Insane cortisol. That's crazy. Yeah. It's like your body goes into fight or flight. I've been in fight or flight for a month. And your blood is still popping. Well, there's stuff that won't be affected by it. Yeah. Just regular. Just your aura, though. Aura is stressed as hell. That's what I'm saying. If you have. Cortisol spike, it fucks your aura up. Yeah. It's hard to aura farm. Yeah. But once you settle, your aura comes back glowing. Aura is going to be glowing. I can already tell between this week and last week. Once I got my blood tests, I was like, all right. You're like, I'm good. Everything's good. Yeah. Everything improved from last time. That's good. Have you changed your lifestyle at all? Yeah. I took it. She was like, your liver is a lot better. I was like, yeah. What did you do? I had to slow down. I went from 30 beers to 10. What? Daily? Or weekly? When I'm out. When I'm out, I'm out. You got to slow it down a little. True. That's true. True that. Yeah, it was time. You drink hard liquor? Sometimes, but not really. But not like. Almost never. What's your go-to? Like shots or like sipping whiskey? I like a little vodka sodas. Eh. Do you like to sip whiskey? No, not at all. I can never get into that. I can't get into it, man. When dudes will be like, that's fucking. Yeah, whiskey and a cigar, I go, I'm gay. Cigars? No, not for me. I don't like cigars either. I love cigars. They give me a stomach ache immediate. I love. I get dizzy. I smoke them with dad and get dizzy. Me and my dad smoke cigars. And dizzy's nice. We get dizzy, and I'm like, how's work? And he just tells me about like some old building in Bethlehem, PA, where he's tearing down. I sit there like trying to hold onto my chair like, dude, that sounds sick. It's fucking awesome. Got to tell you, testosterone up 100. Is it? Natural. All natty. Damn, dude. Natty testosterone spike. I felt good about that. Probably from the cortisol spike, your test rays. Yeah, the fighter's plate. No, she was like, that wouldn't really. No, plummeted. Yeah. Not plummeted, but she was like, it wouldn't. That's nice. Are you more flight or fight? Come on, man. I've never been flight, dude. I'm just general. I could never flight. You're ready to go. I was physically, I could never flight. Well, to be fair, it's flight, fight, or fight. freeze I'm freeze I go yeah I hit a hard freeze yeah I might hit a freeze I hit a hard freeze like as soon as my chick starts freaking out I'm just like like I'm freeze I never freak on I just freeze and I'm like I 100% agree with you and I walk outside and smoke like 10 cigarettes that's flight I'm complete flight I don't panic I just like I block it there's flight you go I agree with you and then run outside yeah but it's it's like a robot like I'm not like I'm not like it's more just like not right now and I just kind of drift I go through all three because I flighted before when you flight you're like I'm talking it's just like I see the blinds go down and I'm like oh you're doing this yeah I'm gonna go inside and smoke till I die yeah you go cold you go cold on her yeah I go all I go through all three stages I go through freeze and then I go what and I fight I've seen some fights on the ring and then I fight look yeah Isabel I fight and then I and then I flee but yeah I definitely I can get I can get nasty oh speaking of ring came I got some good footage this week what'd you get what some Halloweenies oh I left out a candy bowl of uh like healthy candy which was very funny because it was sent to me and then I'll be like Welch's grape snacks and no no like I don't even know what it is like 70 calorie oh okay yeah but I had a stack of two dollar bills so I was like it'd be fun to throw this in there oh there's dispersed dispersed two dollar bills amongst the candy and then you'll go ham and then the ring carry I get to watch little kids come up and steal all the money and then a dad come in and go you can only take one yep and put one yeah it was very fun to watch two dollar bills is a legend two dollar bills was nice forever yeah I was I was hawking all the kids on grabbing the kids there's a lot of candy bowls they would put them back that's so two dollar bill is like the polar opposite of that guy who gives out like toothbrushes two dollars until you get egged yeah you put out like dental floss packs dude nobody eggs anymore my son was trying to he's like dad's bring eggs and hit up houses that suck you gotta do it the day before he wanted to retaliate if houses sucked there's a couple that there's a couple egg worthy spots in my neighborhood I saw someone just put up caution tape and block their whole front entrance so like you couldn't even try to trick-or-treat I was like bro I would have lit that fucking house I would have lit yeah that was 100 percent no I said no we don't do halloween although not doing halloween's like super fundamentalist christian for sure it's jehovah yeah witness don't do they're not a lot of christians down here christians are like yeah halloween is a little bit like tooth fairy halloween that there's a lot of people down here like hell no that's a deep level I respect that level of christianity it's kind of sick honestly I respect any extreme political view that you fully take to the end that's true like if you take something to its fullest extent I'm like yeah there was uh I was talking to someone like all of them I don't agree with them but like I don't like half steppers you respect like when people are full tilt I'm like bro I must respect yeah your full tilt political view true I don't like when people be like no well not that it's kind of a complex issue it's like no it's not pick a side and go hard as hell pick a side system I want you to take it to its fullest extent then I can like at least tip my hat and be like at least you're rocking a hundred percent true there was there was a haunted uh haunted house around here that apparently these guys set up shop and just started doing like praise music outside of it to be like nah come over here don't don't get scared by michael myers yeah they like set out they like set up next door to be like why don't you come over here but jc no need to get no don't go to the spooky house come praise yeah I support that so so funny okay yeah that's crazy it's pretty wild it's wild but I'm saying the mentality I'm like dude I'm into what you're like I like that I'm into the fact that you're so into jesus that you hate spooky houses you don't like what's that they're afraid of the scary yeah they're afraid of like anything costume I'm kind of with them though but I don't like those spooky trails and shit I love them I love it so fun I don't think they're fun man I love spooky ass halloween stuff yeah I don't I don't haunted houses I hate that shit I don't like terrifying I like terrifying displays out front yeah like skulls getting ripped open and stuff I'm not a fan I'm a fan dude I saw we went to some pumpkin night thing and they had like a they had like these like fake severed limbs but they had them set up to like electricity where they would dangle and move a little bit still and I walked up and I'm like that's a little much you're trying to get my praise on you're a cutie pie halloween guy I'm cutie pie halloween guy like like pumpkins and hay rides and caramel apples actually yeah I completely am yeah cutie pie halloween what's wrong with that I don't know I respect I had an inflatable jack-o'-lantern that's cute that was cute I respect but I love cutie pie halloween I love like raggedy ant costumes with husband and wife yeah well I'm a family I'm a family costume big I love it I'm a family costume guy I hate a girlfriend costume guy though too which is nothing wrong with that what's that girl who's a heavy girlfriend costume guy what are you basing this off of I think you're confusing him yo minions is my idea there's nothing wrong with girlfriend halloween I think you're confusing him man you get excellent vo2 max the whole world turns on you you know I'm going through a massive cortisol spike you know if you want to get into girlfriend costumes you've got the wrong brother you know I'm going through a massive cortisol spike you know if you want to get into girlfriend bill loves a couple big dog does he really does he went broke back he went like full dragon ball z he did billy loves broke back kind of is nice though that was the one because then you get to pretend to have gay sex doggy style exactly or I think he was I think billy was Jake he was Jake I think he was picked out I think he got I don't I don't want to speak it's not for me I mean if it's halloween I think it's I think anything goes on halloween if you want to do any butt stuff as a guy just save it for halloween and just true factored into your costume and then just wake up the next morning chill november it's time to lock in it's november put on some cat ears draw some whiskers just get fucking pegged out just get into costume the whole time it's like eat a fun size snickers when you're done support I would just suck a fun size snickers suck a fun size you smuggled a fun size into that fucking doctor's office I snuggled half a fun size kit kat over there I kid yo it's I support your penis in that mine would have been half that's crazy I I feel like you know fucking yeah I saw that and I was like were you not bad not bad for real dude had some girth no I was in a fucking I think it was my balls are getting mixed up in the picture I think I got some ball glory in that that I didn't deserve it was a good ball glory I got some ball glory no I was fucking laying there in all my clothes then the guy pulled the picture and I was like what the fuck you gotta tell me about that you gotta let me know if you're gonna be scanning my fucking birds like that you should have covered I should have they made me keep my arms out dude damn dude I'm feeling some kind of fucking way about it TSA's hitting us with that exact they can definitely see your dick 100% they know TSA sees your dick every single time that's why they stop nate at the fucking thing they stop nate and they sexually harass him every single time I saw naked groped at TSA yeah yeah got dropped down too they got blizzed too dude I got ripped I got stopped though and debunked this I did debunk it really there's no way it's dick size it's just shit getting scrunched up now maybe somebody else had a massive dong and they got it Shannon Sharp claims that he got dong checked he got dong checked at TSA he loves telling me I got fucking jacked up when you did the link oh yeah security got me fucking they fucking tackled my ass for what I had a ounce of tobacco I had a pack of rolling tobacco in my pocket right you're getting bum checked everywhere so like dude I had a pack of rolling tobacco in my pocket so I like went up to the security check and she was like empty your pockets so I put all my shit out and she's like you can't bring that in there and I was like you gotta be fucking kidding I just bought it and she's like no you can't bring in rolling tobacco you can't smoke in here I was like I'm not gonna smoke I'm just it's yeah all my person my work so she was like go I was I'm gonna go throw out my car so I went to TSA and I walked out and like tucked it in my boot and then came back in and some stud gripped me up it was like what the fuck is in your boot she probably thought it was like drugs or whatever so I pulled it out then like a couple of them were like staring at me like why did you hide this in your boot and I was like oh she said I can't bring it and they were like oh you you can bring tobacco in here then another one stepped up and was like grip him up and she like got all up in my shit you know she brought a dude like a young dude down and the young dude had to like hey you gotta get that job you gotta work in the lane and then they let me in stroke ball while my wife watched like what the fuck are you doing what do you bring they take your tobacco yeah she made me throw it out oh that sucks I was bummed yeah and then they grab your dick dude this young dude came in and like full-on like got up in my unit yeah you like that shit I don't know if you got any but it was all a whirlwind of just like getting tossed around so at least the stud kind of if a stud jousting me around I might present a little now this stud got in my face and then summoned a young bull also I was like slightly chubbed from the excitement of it all too you should have pushed down a little on him but yeah I thought I was gonna get kicked out yeah that's damn I've gotten kicked out of bars for smoking a vape pen a bunch of times and Brittany's just been like bro for real what they make you leave they'd be like dude one more time you're fucking out of here I'm like sorry sorry sorry my bad please please I'm we're here with like six people please don't kick me out every other night please please please please I try to get slick with it too all I do I'll go like this then the wait and look around us go the guys just be like dude what the fuck was that I'm like what do you mean nothing nothing it's Halloween dude steam's coming from everywhere oh you were halloweenies not for val i've done it before yeah but yeah the uh i didn't did i vape on how would you go as for halloween you had a nice costume i was the scientist creator of the powerpuff girls that was a tight family costume that was a good fam huh professor newton yeah professor plutonium i was professor plutonium that was nice dude yeah bernie had the powerpuff costume on late night trying to get freaky in it but the power was having and i was like bro i'm your dad like chill and she was like no he's not the dad he's a scientist that made him i'm like i made you it's like it's even hotter it's even hotter well i guess yeah maybe not yeah no i know i was like well what about the two sisters you have two pair of sisters it's kind of fucking weird you're ruining it and i'm like yeah i am i am i am so did you follow through or they ended it got a little something yeah that's what's up dude i ended my night by going scurried into the bathroom my plan worked here we go yes it's been a while this episode is sponsored by better help the help with the better lately i feel talk about what you just like about the holidays what's something you would change how would you change hmm hmm about the holidays about the holidays yeah i mean i'd really like to change when i'm sitting there with my family and i go i still feel flat it's never gonna get better yeah when you sit around you go these are the times i'm supposed to cherish the most and you look around in the eyes of your family members you go i don't even know these people exactly this is it this is apparently like what i'm supposed to feel is like love yes i don't feel love like that yep there's nothing that's when it's time to contact better help yes exactly that's my that's what the guy's the holiday has come with problems for everybody but the nice thing is you don't have to go through it alone better help offers you the time and space to talk things through with a therapist even during the busy season yeah better help i remember when we were friends and when we kissed yeah there you go i remember all that and i feel nothing something's been i don't know when it's been weird between me and my brother yeah me and my brother have been acting different and then also you're like something i don't know when it happened but something i don't feel the same as i used to good thing good thing we're all just going to die soon yeah then you go yeah then we'll all die but that's nice though because then you can contact better help better help is now in network with more than 125 health plans with many co-pays as low as 15 for eligible members and if you don't have eligible insurance or live outside the u.s you can still get 20 off your first month sign up and get 20 off at betterhelp.com mssp that's better help help.com mssp to help with the better let's go let's go let's go guys please come out this weekend november 6th 7th and 8th i'll be in fort lauderdale florida tampa florida and orlando florida and then after that my god i'll be in newark newark or however you're supposed to say newark new jersey baltimore columbus cincinnati is it picking up i haven't even checked honestly i got my new bags as i show up and see what's up but i don't even check i just show up i'm like oh crap or i'm like nice but guys uh matt mccusker.com website don't text me being like i checked on fucking fandango on google and it's nine thousand dollars dumbass that's not me that's a fourth party thing what up yeah it's fucking click the fucking description below i know we're doing this but i was watching uh megan kelly was interviewing a pilot about the crash and what happened with the plane crash and they're bringing it down and then at the bottom she's like she has like a like and subscribe like click here so it's like while very seriously discussing how horrible the plane crash was the bottom of the screen she's like oh pointing to a subscribe button it's like anyway damn yeah you got to edit that one man yeah anyway take a day off back to the podcast halloween was lit over here fucking party it was awesome it was fun time yeah both ran into some halloween buzz saws i ran into a nice buzz saw nate nate witnessed me had a massive cortisol spike no i didn't we were at the texas football game before that so i wasn't gonna halloweeny out there yeah but i did get there and toss on a wig so i just had just had blonde hair just general wig i had your wig oh hell yeah you were me for halloween yeah yeah his halloween costume was nice but only one dude spotted it he's russ cole everyone else just thought i was an asshole you were russ cole i was russ cole so i had a cig and a can of lone star perfect bro the lone star was filled with water so i was like drinking it and give it to my kids too i came downstairs he was sitting at the top of my kitchen table with the six-pack alone star holding the cig and i was like holy yeah it's a great only one of your neighbors got it yeah the rest was growing down that's a bad sign you gotta toss your neighbors on to season one true they're gonna respect that yeah there was somebody someone i told who was like i've never seen that before i'm like dude for real it's it's the great it was the peak of television i think so it's all been downhill since i mean it hasn't gotten worse but i'm saying that was so good that everything else is kind of like i agree like nothing has slapped that hard with the exception of possibly white lotus in thailand white lotus was pretty good white lotus is good but it's not as like white lotus was dude white lotus is funny thailand you liked i thought it was so fucking good when the brothers banged yes yes that was that was not i was madly in love with the one character though the english lady the english lady yeah yep i think she had a spaz she had a post thing and i wanted to message her so bad it's okay well people were i remember people were criticizing her teeth people started cutting she was gorgeous yeah yeah they i think uh it was some like some network show was making fun of her i think snl did yeah really snl was clowning her for the way she looked that's heavily i don't like when they criticize when not and she got really upset and then uh perpetuate body standards that i i think i don't like that but they were like really ripping on me for having big teeth that's cr oh they did they yeah they ripped on her teeth and she got pissed but like what i don't want to give spoilers but like the end of that was like it wasn't as good as true detective season one but it was it's pretty great i did a different lane yeah for sure i did take a walk after true true true detective season one i remember getting up and like hitting the block and just walked like i was fucked i wanted to be an undercover cop bad yeah i mean welcome to my world all day every day i would love the undercover cop you could you could just get busted with some hair on they'll put you on as a c yeah they probably put me on just keep riding the bus and i'm like oh my god i'm every day it'll happen you don't have him bro hold this hold this i would go full donnie brosco though dude we know somebody who tried to do this they want ci and then they showed up with the cop and he's like the cop was like are you ready he goes like yeah man i brought a knife and the cop was like you can't have a fucking knife he's like you have a gun he's like i can have a knife he's like bro you're not a cop with me like you're a fucking you're in trouble right now i'm using you to buy heroin that's like the reality of cis and undercomers but we've seen them through hollywood but they're just like junkies trying to stay out of jail yeah pretty much and they'll also they'll use you because usually the deal is like however many say you get caught with pills and so however many pills you get caught with you got to get that many pills off the street and then it's kind of a wash but they'll just keep using you and using you and using you it's a dude he got scented by like heroin in chester he was like i don't know man this is getting kind of crazy and the cop was like you better fucking do it pussy you're going to jail and then he went on the lam and then he went to the judge like please please please i'll go to rehab please don't make me buy it we get him yeah by heroin in chester yeah dude don't get your fucking ass yeah especially i know definitely shoot you in the head he had been buying it with fake money and i was like bro you're gonna get in trouble you better get out of there yeah he was using counterfeit bills to buy drugs and then got caught doing that yeah he got busted with the counterfeits dude i mean it's kind of a legend move busted with the counterfeits and a bunch of heroin got kicked out of an apartment complex and then called the cops the next day was like yeah there's 200 of real money that mix he had like thousands of dollars of counterfeit money he goes i'm gonna come down and grab that 200 bucks the cops were like get fucked he's like charged counterfeiting or it's all just a wash i think it was just kind of a wash yeah because it's like you don't have that prop money it's like pretty real looking oh yeah so yeah he got busted with the fake months and he was like yo i need my real money out of that so if you don't mind just peel me off too hard you don't mind checking all the bills get this number get the fuck out of here legend move you get caught with the fakes grab those reels those are mine yeah that's mine dude because i'm on the team now i know i'm in trouble for like selling heroin wait what was your buzzsaw oh there's just a bro at the party that was hitting me with just hoss level insults just coming up being like dude i saw that hvac sketch you made on snl people were sending it to me and i was like oh cool and he was like it wasn't that funny i don't know and i was like yeah man it's cool just kept letting it go kept letting it go finally towards the end of the night nate watched it i was just like you know i don't know i don't know i don't know i gotta go inside dude you suck to be around and he was like i'm sorry i offended you and i was like you didn't offend me at all you just really you suck being around you're the textbook definition of insufferable did you take it easier no i went inside but the the story got back to me he was very upset did you have any connection to this guy or just no i don't know who he was he was bummed out about it allegedly i mean eventually you gotta fucking and he was shirtless his halloween costume was shirtless it's always a nice apparently tossed on the shirt after i was like dude you really suck what was he i forget who he was i mean that's defeat bro tossing the shirt back on he was all right for sure he probably youngster he was youngster that'd be a nice use of ai you just sit there a bunch of people talk and you all put your phones up and then let big ai listen to this entire conversation tell us who sucks yeah because it would give you a readout the punisher like you are kind of brutal everyone's not really responding to you at all did you notice that everything you said people change the subject immediately every statement you made was an interjection to someone else's conversation yeah it was it was like yeah i let him go on like five five different like walking up to me insult like friendly insults yeah just yeah dude i don't even oh the last one now i remember because i brought beer because they were out of beer so i bought beer and he was like dude my boys were like afraid to drink your beer i was like fuck that asshole i'll drink them i was like you suck why would you say that that's well that's the archetype of dude who's like i'm gonna keep it real with you bro yeah you probably don't know people who are like that but i'm like i'm not keeping it real with you enough i'll tell you to your face you're a fucking asshole you're like i don't even know you why are you doing this to me i'll tell you straight up brother i don't give a fuck like okay like okay bro cool thanks clearly there's wheels spinning in your head i love that i'll tell you what the fuck i'll tell you what's up right yeah i told i told my friends fuck that asshole i'll drink his beer i was like dude please leave me alone shut the fuck up it's like six people here keep walking up to me and talking shit please this episode is brought to you by mint mobile mobile mint took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with premium wireless for 15 bucks a month no gimmicks no gotchas you can even bring your current phone and your number go to mint mobile.com slash drenched upfront payment of 45 for three months 90 for six months or 180 for 12 months plan required 15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes maybe slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabytes of hotspot capable devices required availability speed and coverage varies see 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quick gotta tell you guys about this i like this i like that too ag1 the healthy stuff i've been drinking recently still just one scoop once a day vitamins minerals probiotics all this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide mix is great doesn't taste like a fist fight package travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out which dude come on they also recently came out with ag1 pro the same foundation but with creatine in one simple delicious drink so if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack this one might be worth checking out so hurry up and go to drink ag1.com slash secret pod and for a limited time only get a free immune support bundle including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin d3 plus k2 with your first subscription to ag1 next gen or ag1 pro that's drink ag1.com slash secret pod nate you got to witness it how did you feel about the this guy stinks i knew i knew he stunk as soon as i saw him shirtless if you if you're a dude and your thing is shirtless halloween shirtless halloween at a small gathering if you have an s blank blank blank why you call me costume as a guy he had markered like a back tattoo it was like everything about it he had what he had like a marker he had his boy marker in a back tattoo for him oh for the costume what was he like maui or something no it was like it was a shit i could be recording my dexter scan that's tough for a second i thought it was just like shitty cena because he was like wearing the jorts and the hat like no shirt but but the back tattoo what was he working with was he shredded jacked athletic i respect i respect that he wasn't he wasn't in great shape he kind of was a piece of shit body yeah he's all right so so like i kind of i do respect going shirtless if you're not if you're not i think i think as the night went on his gut got bigger that's what i think he was drinking his bucket his gut got a little bigger but he was or maybe his posture started to fail a little yeah croaking like a bullfrog he wasn't yeah he wasn't like fat as shit but usually it wasn't like a shirtless a shirtless guy that you're like damn bro yeah put it away yeah so he's just ever it was an average body male but yeah hit him with an audible this guy stinks he was upset about it he kept trying to i don't know if you've noticed he kept trying to like get you back in conversation to be friendly he was he was i would have accepted it maybe yeah i mean it was a lot yeah it was about four or five i mean getting nagged by a guy you don't know is just like why are you doing this we also we don't have to talk my bad what you'd be like we don't have to talk why are you nagging me right now dude this is crazy yeah he was pulling that move for like hours he was good he was hitting me with like some really good ones i mean he was this close to the most epic night ever be like man i'm fucking i basically bitched him all night i pretty much bitched him all night i mean he did he did a majority of the night i was just letting him fucking bitch me i was like dude i don't care yo also you're coming off a massive cortisol spike you're trying you're in a zen level of yeah you're chill mode you can't get me and then he was like uh you froze he's like dude was that like was that like huge for you when you did kill tony that was probably like when your career like took off and i was like you're saying everything wrong every single thing we were just nodding along the whole time yeah i was like yeah man yeah that was fucking huge he might have been he might have been an operative dude he might have been sent to try to destabilize you it might dude that's like for real like that's cia level cortisol was already plummeting i was fine i was just going dude please that's so funny it's not that there's only like a dozen people there so it's not and it was on like a small patio so wherever i went the guy was just lingering coming over to hit me damn i was getting a punish especially an active punisher active punisher just be like entire it literally the start to finish the entire duration of the party i was getting punished by this dude he was killing he wasn't punishing anyone else oh yeah like i remember we did somewhere we did a casino i remember i forget where it was but it we you we i opened for you in a casino and then i'm walking around the casino afterwards and it was just you know people were like hey man great job this one guy was hammered with a group of like three people who were just being like nice and complimentary and he looks over and goes i didn't like you at all i was like all right i was like chatting them up and i'm like whatever same thing i was like that's all good am i chatting them he's like seriously dude that was not for me and i'm like okay buddy thank you man appreciate it appreciate your input yeah i don't even fucking it's like all right i'm out of here yeah it's always nice it's the worst it's like always like thanks man yeah really appreciate you i'm just being honest dude sorry i fucking don't love you it's like i have to tell you this right now i can be honest too about you i'm not gonna do it but yeah it's like it's like we don't have we can just cut this off you want to do honesty yeah it's too honest dude i'm fucking geeked on whales right now i like that i had to do a uh we're doing i'm doing a presentation my has to do one on the bairds beaked whale never even heard of the book bro i i was i'm like embarrassed about how limited my whale knowledge was i mean bairds beak well is one of the biggest it's i'm sorry excuse me it's the biggest beaked whale out of all the beaked whales what are the beaked whales they're just whales they have these fucking like bottlenose like they look like dolphins oh damn so they have like a little parrot yeah parrot beak i don't fuck with whales at all bro well get into killer whales killer whales they're the coolest they are pretty cool they prey on bairds beaked whales they they fuck it everybody they're nasty but the bairds beaked whale goes so deep it's only escaped from the killer whales it can go i mean literally like a mile and some change underwater and the killer the orcas at some point like boys pull up we can't yeah they go down to the depths dude they're fucking sick it's exciting yeah it was pretty nice we got a lot of facts about them dude they're they weigh like 40 000 pounds they're massive dude the big the whale sizes are crazy they're fucking massive biggest i think it's the gray right the gray blue whale blue whale and the blue whales the biggest uh animal that's ever lived really 100 even like prehistoric numbers yeah it's bigger than every dinosaur damn you were like mastodon and whatnot bigger yeah bro dude they're a hundred feet long or no not mastodon what's the shark megalodon megalodon bigger dude they would slurp megalodon like a spaghetti noodle if they wanted to slurp if they wanted to slurp but then thankfully thank goodness they don't slurp the bairds beaked whale sucks the way it eats food it just goes to the bottom and goes bottom food sucks squid into its mouth it's fucking awesome it's getting some peschetti get some squid getty but yeah the bear i'm geeked on the bears beaked whale right now things fucking nasty that's nice you have to make like a trifold for it and everything yeah we're setting it up i want to play i want to paint it blue with just like some black undertones to represent the deep the depths of the dark deep water they get they chill and work at chasing it yeah that's more good in there just to make the orca kid jealous be like i have more kids it's not fair does everyone have a different species yeah everyone's got different whale species that's fucking the bear's beak you would think it's not that lit it's also they were so stoked because i was like the girl whales are a little bit bigger than the boy whales i was like yeah i was like my girl whales are bigger than boy whales she was like wait really why that always pissed me off let's look it up yeah there's a name as a little kid being like dude the female praying mantis rips the head off the fucking male i was like so mad about it fuck that do you ever get into there's a thing i saw online about how in the animal pretty much all of the animal kingdom the males are the more beautiful of all the species peacocks male oh yeah they show lions manes humans yeah we got it twisted yeah my kids are the more beautiful of all the species peacocks male yeah they show lions manes humans are in like the thick of like i hate boys shit it's so fun they they fucking hate each other they hate boys yeah they're like don't let them see my fucking monologue don't let them see my edgy are they on some like girls are better than boys stuff yeah they're just like boys are annoying and i'm always telling my guys boys are your daughters got hit with the midterms they did yeah the news dude they're algos yes every man they're like watching mr every man like yes every man every man you sure about that damn dude oh yeah we're we're rocking it it's whales and boy hate my house and i'm leading the charge on all fronts my dude boys fucking boys i'm like i hate boys like you're a boy i'm like i'm a man i wish i was like bro wish i was different guys i have big news for all of you we're really all a girl house now i might have to bro for real i for real might have to dude what swap out yeah dude i'm especially the way you're running right now you are on your caitlin journey i am i wonder what his v or her vo2 max was insane but it was olympia yeah it was the decathlon right definitely it's probably still fire yeah i mean yeah it's i mean i'm excellent it's yeah it's superb for sure but it's superb the highest you can get on vo2 max or whatever the fucking thing i think i'm using mortal kombat terminology but it's like excellent i want to go get all my shit tested bro it's kind of tight don't do that way just get the blood what i want every blood every medical test possible bro i'm telling you man this creature out it's kind of fucking sick to see where you stand i was i was so happy about the blood test blood's big that was a bit of a cortisol spike as well just waiting for it you go well i'm definitely i have to do it it's like they go in the back room and come out no no it's like a week and a half yeah i don't want that week and a half sitting around going oh yeah i forgot about the blood test i'm gonna find out i have fucking diabetes on tuesday yeah early leukemia yeah what was the a1c do you remember uh like five you're rocking bro four nine five i couldn't believe it i had the opposite i had an oring and it was like dude your biological age is like 19 i was like yeah obviously dude i got my blood work it's like bro you're pre-diabetic i was like god damn it yeah but that can spike you could have pigged out at breakfast no a that's not true a1c is really three months good my glucose was it was okay but i was like explain it lady i was like i did go see a movie that night the night before and i ate a bucket of popcorn and m&ms and like a 40 ounce coca-cola that was the last thing i ate before i got my blood they're like yeah and you're still good a1c is fine but yeah a1c is a three month average it's how much like what percentage of your red blood cells have a little bit of sugary coating on them gotta be honest the liver getting my liver results was that's wonderful that's nice yeah just came right back and just it's a self-healing organ just tossing in uh by the way your your t went up a hundred it way it doubled no oh at least it went up a hundred percent it went up a hundred points a hundred points damn i get my tea check all natty true it's a big swing i think that just proves it's bullshit what that i didn't really i just i guess inflammation went down from the lack of booze oh that makes sense though yeah and then when you drop the booze the tea goes up yeah because that's why my tea's like yeah you're through the roof drink yeah you're on the bus if you're taking free bus your tea is fucking crazy it was just me and three teed up bros you gotta start pounding on the glass like you're at a hockey game go up to the side of the bus once they start like i realize i love about austin's like you can freak out as much as you want and no one's gonna stop you no like i see these dudes around my house like up on the bus stops one of them barf the other day like no one bothers anyone we first moved here we saw a lady p on the bus stop seat right near our house and britney's like oh that's gross damn like yeah yeah but no one's not like in philadelphia like everything was self-regulating so like some other dude was like oh that's gross like yeah but no one's not like in philadelphia dude would start kicking his ass for barfing true yeah but here everyone's just like yeah like whatever whatever i just gotta get on this bus i had the bus fucking rules i'm gonna start fucking with i used to take the spring garden bus from west philly to like six and spring garden i used to bring the loud packs on the bus it was stink i was fucking to sit in my seat like it's not me i did the bus today and yesterday i did like a long crosstown bike ride nice same move i was just like riding my bike along dude and fuck it you are gonna be homeless soon you're doing all the bum activities i'm just trying to see like the base level of existence in austin true so i rode a bus i rode my bike to the state park and then like rode through the state park for a couple hours that's awesome pretty chill you mckinley cruise at all or no what's that cruise cruise vibes are low in the park really family you know state parks are big for cruising big for bros bro i threw out some signals just to test that it wasn't a cruise spot and everything was cool just another guy walking by being like hey it's a good day to get your dick sucked you weather's beautiful out here you ever have butt sex with a guy out here i'm like we have no idea who each other are isn't that kind of interesting i got cruised one time before i knew it was a thing so it was like i was like 22 right perfect and my buddy was like my buddy was like dude i forget what it was but he was like go to risque video off 76 and you can get like buckets of dvd porn i just broke it up my girlfriend so i needed like a porn supply obviously i was like i'm gonna go to risk a video off 76 and you can get like i was like 22 and i pulled up and i'm like looking through the the discount bin of like you know like nine hour dvd porn and this dude this like 50 year old dude walked up right next to me and was like hey what's up man i was like nothing just getting some porn like what are you up to and he's just like oh and like he like locked eyes with me and i was just like am i in your way or something and i just got my vids and left then years later i was like oh that dude assumed i was a yeah fucking i think there was i think i got cruised once i was a maybe so to rest up and uh guy next to me in the stall started blasting porn yeah was there like a hole in the no it was it was uh it was at the gandolfini dude and i was just ripping a dump dude i don't know this guy could have i don't know what he was thinking he might have just been jerking yeah i think he might have been jerking because i was clearly dumping that's open invitation though and i was i was walking into the gandolfini with a little pep in my step yeah i mean i was i don't know that might be a cruise i don't know i don't know the crew i don't i'm not truck stop yeah i was like i always thought it was the foot tap it's like a foot tap then there's like bandana signals really like a blast some porn on your flash and porn is that's like that's kind of an open at the gandolfini yeah that is at the gandolfini i was quoting sopranos wait so did he like you just finished your dump and rolled and he kept my dump and the porn was blasting that was probably yeah that was full cruise he was trying to see who else was going to knock on the stall yeah he's gonna go hey man what are you watching well underneath go check that out was he tapping his foot underneath i don't recall i would have remembered that because i knew that was you knew that was cruise stuff yeah how old were you it was i was 30 so it's post twink death what's twink death when he when he was a twink yeah when you hit twink death at like 30 so you were just getting sloppy cruise i was a regular yeah i looked like a yeah i probably looked like a young republican yeah he's probably trying to probably this guy's definitely gonna get some of that log cabin booty we had cruise cruise signals were low mckinley yeah mostly family oriented that's chill so it's fucking beautiful though i haven't been yeah stunning i forget which one i was we used to go to um does mckinley have a waterfall yeah there's two waterfalls lower and upper i was oh that's chill what's the swimming like can you swim in there you can swim there it's fucking it's chill that's nice but the swimming goes by how much rain you've had yeah got you got you so like right now it's not good but oh yeah i went to mckinley i sat right there and looked at the weak ass waterfall it was probably gets real low as the water there's a little trickle in the but then there's all kinds of like wooded paths through the woods and the guy was being nice he was a very nice guy but the park ranger was a fan oh yeah i was just trying to i was trying some solitude and he came up like yeah man don't want to bother you but that hvac thing suck yeah it's like it's like man don't worry about everyone saying you're a fucking asshole and you suck dude you're the man i was literally just thinking about that sitting on a rock he's like dude a bunch of people sent me that thing it fucking sucked actually he's like i didn't fucking think it was that funny but like okay for some reason comedy is like the only thing people will do that with like if you put out albums no one ever be like your music sucks i bet they do you think so yeah they got like your old stuff better yeah yeah i guess so maybe they do yeah but yeah comedy there is something about it though where it's like it isn't it's like it's so popular i think the thing with comedy is everyone especially if you go to helium and everyone has like two or three beers everyone thinks that they should be up there too oh dude yeah you go to take a piss at helium and like everyone's like telling jokes to each other people are max funny people i hear it they leave a comedy show and they're like their funny juices are flowing they're like yeah i told this fucking guy and you're like okay yeah a lot of times in the clubs there's no distinguishable there's no like comedian bathroom so i'm peeing with the audience yeah i'll hear shit after like be like ah fuck man i you know that's the worst take this again the opener sucked all right and they see you in the mirror washing your hands they go no i was just saying that dude it's all right man yeah but i think with comedy everyone in the audience whereas like if you go see music no one thinks of them no not at all people are being entertained yeah i'd say like 80 of a male i don't know i saw olivia dean and i was like that could be me yeah maybe for sure nice princess dress yeah the mermaid dress the mermaid dress so beautiful just a sea of women around you going where'd you see olivia dean at the here in austin good show i haven't been to any music since i got here oh man no i saw a little live music capital of the world i am i've been i've been like hibernating like just feeling out my area slowly spread out i haven't caught a ton i've definitely seen a couple acl i was telling we're talking the way down here acl is a little much for me i'm not i will not i will never go to that it's not my scene too much bro the kids section does rock where there's like they have activities they have drum circles the kids can do and that that's kind of sick you get to slip in there like i'll do all i'm here too that's kind of fun but yeah it's it's dude it's just like it's so many fucking people so much dust and the audio quality outside i gotta be indoors you're a big crumbin head though aren't you what are you talking about no i'm not actually i think they're nice i just what's that i was telling him on the way down confusing you with billy i used to rock i used to jam to crumbin i'd put it was like for me it was like music if i was like picking someone up in my car i'm like here's something i could throw on i'm very sensitive people knocking my tunes yes so my crumbin such an easy vanilla thing to throw on that's like what is it it's like that you know they're like again sorry but that's like one yeah they're like instrumental it's like chillax music it's like chillax you hit him with fucking no no no it's you put it on and it's like a chill beat and a little spanish guitar yeah it's like a chill beat but then i saw him live and it was like a backing track with just like a hot lady and a like a model-esque guy just playing little licks on the guitar to like a fucking tape deck and i'm like what the fuck this is the shit i'm fucking knocking in my car i thought they're gonna be like a 10-piece band of some like far out freaks and it was just like two models just noodling around you know what it is when you get my car ice man true it's ice man dude ice man hits when your cortisol is spiked oh yeah you need it everyone's against me fuck everybody yes yes yes true that's what his music's for yeah cortisol spiked like leave in the gym and you're like wait till they see what i fucking just put up true everyone that said i couldn't do that i got whiz yeah let's pay we're at an hour yeah watch new episodes of matt and shane secret podcast on spotify do it ulcerative colitis and crohn's disease symptoms don't pause for the 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