Ep 639 - The E.C.B.S. (feat. SWIM)

wow wow wes welcome to the podcast welcome two in one week wow oh jesus christ i almost fell scratched that from the record two in one week what up bro not much dude just you what just landed dude i know two days ago crazy journey it was a wild what was that two day two 14 hour days with a squad that was the whack pack for sure it was the ultimate whack pack dude yeah my special interest whack pack yeah my my parents helped move them down they did two cars no one one chevy sonic one chevy sonic loaded with snakes reptiles and san pedro cactus and a tarantula and a tarantula and an arachnid arachnid so it was that was a corn snake a python a tarantula a bearded dragon and a leopard gecko i heard that leopard gecko gets ornery if he doesn't eat they all do really we had him up on the dash cruising just to get some sunlight and then we had to the gills with pedros i saw the pedros yeah stack that's why i moved here true to grow the baby just to grow pedros and mac moved just to give better temperatures to his first reptiles yeah i saw the lizard on a leash outside i said that's nice yeah they're chilling the beard of dragons by the way no we'll get we'll get to the spot the spot of gecko i didn't know that thing breaks your skin it's only a baby it'll bite they don't really bite they're chilling now yeah i got the full i got the full download the python will bite the bearded gecko or the yeah bearded geckos might be like there i would put them on a list dragon bearded dragon my bad leopard gecko leopard gecko bearded dragon i would put that on a list of recommended pets top to your pet dude it's one of those things i can't live without now yeah when you get a dog and you're like now i'm a dog man there's there's like a subculture of no dog bro like there's like people that go on reddit are no dog that like identify as i don't have a dog i know well i i get it when i find it like a hardcore no dog head and they're like 60 or 70 i'm like all right you're grandfathered in their heart like young no dog guys kind of it's one thing just like i just don't have one i just don't get it it's like you're identifying as not having a dog yeah it's such a wild mental thing to put on yourself it's like why would you live and be like i'm a person that doesn't have it you just don't have a dog that's not an identity yeah that's really weird so there's are i there's no kids heads too i think that's what started it yeah okay no no kids heads i understand no kids heads and again i i would never i would never hate on a no kids because you hear them and like the the impulse is to be like uh dude i don't know like might be kind of sad but i'm like it's it's probably chill you do your own thing there's people who chose not to have kids and i respect them but you're a no kids head you're just you want a kid and you didn't have one otherwise you wouldn't identify as a no like you don't want kids you just don't have kids yeah you don't have that simple never think about it it's like i don't eat uh goat meat yeah i never think about the shit yeah i don't identify as a non-goat meat eater you don't watch people someone eat goat meat you're like thank god i didn't get like couples that don't have kids they're like they want it's like you guys want kids otherwise you wouldn't be honoring the negative so heavily that's true it's like saying you're not gay all the time yeah yeah you're probably gay which is for every guy no that's every guy every guy there's dudes that are like staunchly i'm not gay yeah i know what you mean chill yeah like i'm not gay and i never think about the fact that i'm not i think we can all agree that every guy is gay and every guy wants kids pretty much that's fair if you're not you say you're not gay you're lying if you say you don't want kids you're not like so you pulled it up i pulled up dog free humor the very first thing that comes up is derosa complaining about not wanting dogs it's just he already it's just what did he say i didn't know like play the whole thing but it looks like he's just oh it's derosa yeah it's just derosa like top top newest thing being like fuck dogs it's a comic we know it's being like i've seen i've seen his work i've seen some of his work yeah i've seen one video of him yeah he's he's a he would hit i think both categories no dogs no kids which at one point it's like that's fair but it's like yeah what's the overarching what's the quest i just don't get anyone that identifies with what they're not doing like you're here for a blip of time so why would you spend any of your time thinking about what you're doing and what you're doing and what you're doing and what you're doing you're not doing true and here's the thing it's a very strange mental i'd have more respect for them if they were to like find people with dogs and like bully they're like it's the way you like bully a pedophile okay if you were like yeah just like why the fuck did you bring your dog to my house you fucking weirdo and start beating them up i can see that yeah if you objectively hated dogs huh this guy's here to meet a three-year-old cocker spit what if you like set up dog adoptions and like shame them yeah right as if i would take this piece of shit dog home yeah i um yeah i've seen that i've seen the uh i've seen the celebration but i get it if you don't have you don't have kids you you know you're gonna like you see people with their kids doing stuff there's no way you neutrally observe that without being like damn i want a kid or if you like can't do that you got to be like i like i got hit with baby fever at like 24 yeah and i just went reckless like it was like anyone i would be like hey let's make love without restriction if you're like a kindergartner all right i was holding it down they're like we're gonna have a baby i was playing house like if we dated for two weeks we were playing house and then i was like it's what you have to do it was ingrained in me it was like you're over 23 because i was conceived at 23 so i was like you're 23 it's time to have a kid and i thought not having a kid was like the scariest concept yeah now when i talk to couples that like are like trying to have kids i kind of want to pull this out and be like it's a beautiful thing but it's not all it's cracked up to be like if you'd give me a magic eight ball i might have been like let's let's look at all angles yeah or yeah i have the opposite foster or father but like i've run the option play i'm at the point now my kids are six and eight i'm more afraid of getting my wife pregnant now than i was of getting a girl pregnant in high school for sure ah no it would legitimately ruin my life i was terrified dude i'm so much more scared of getting my wife pregnant than i was of getting my wife pregnant in high school yeah true because my kids are six and eight so i'm out yeah and now we're like sliding into a world of like dad's a weirdo leave him alone like you don't need anything like if i went back to like waking up and changing diapers i might it would ruin my life yeah well hey i've moved like you know we don't have the foresight i mean i could see it happening but but the only caveat the only thing holding me back is in the heat of the moment i'm like oh my god i'm so scared of getting my to the moment if my bride was like let's have another kid that's what i'm saying i would have 10 more exactly but like i it's a it's a it's hard to fight you're afraid of confronting that of like do it i still could fall into it for sure i'm saying if i'm in my like waking sober non like non-erect life yeah i'm terrified of having another kid yeah and i love my kids to pieces yeah but having another like if she was like i'm pregnant i would have like a senior year freak out i'd have to go join the union like i'd have to like i'd have to like no it's uh well yeah i i definitely again i i try to do that too because when i keep when i catch people if i at least think i catch people being like oh man i don't know sometimes i think i'm like bro you're all right you're good yeah you're cool dude have you made it this far yeah just rock out hit the cruises start swinging because i you're a lot more sexually free if you don't have kids you pretty much should be in an open laid that's the one thing though what you don't have kids you should be a swinger oh yeah yeah like that's we can just settle that right dude if i had a bride and we didn't have kids we would have the wildest life yeah it would just be like what'd you do tonight oh yeah it would be good times all around his and her bad dragons that's the other thing though like i have the alien shit dude it would be a world of kink you couldn't even come it'd be it would it would break the heterosexual mindset into a million pieces who's who's that guy mark key day this episode is brought to you by ag1 dude real quick gotta tell you guys about this i like this i like that too ag1 the healthy stuff i've been drinking recently still just one scoop once a day vitamins minerals probiotics all this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide mix is great doesn't taste like a fist fight package travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out which dude come on they also recently came out with ag1 pro the same foundation but with creatine in one simple delicious drink so if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack this one might be worth checking out so hurry up and go to drink ag1.com slash secret pod and for a limited time only get a free immune support bundle including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin d3 plus k2 with your first subscription to ag1 next gen or ag1 pro that's drink ag1.com slash secret pod this episode is brought to you by blue chew oh yeah fellas let me introduce you to blue chew gold yo no it's not something a rich guy orders at a steakhouse blue chew gold is the newest innovation this isn't your typical good luck buddy pill blue chew gold combines two ingredients for blood flow oh man with two for mental arousal and connection so now your body and your brain are clocking in for the shift because sex is not just be about being able to perform i totally agree with that it's about actually wanting to now wanting to He's extremely important for sexual intercourse. A million percent, dude. And we've got a special deal for our listeners right now. When you buy two months of Blue Chew Gold, you get the third free with promo code Drenched. You'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Oh, yeah. Asad? Markade Asad. He's a statist. I don't identify. You don't fuck with Markade Asad? He's the farthest you can take. I'm not with that because he incorporates violence into his lovemaking. Does he really? The term statist comes from Markade Asad. Markade Asad. Yeah, I looked into him a little bit. That's an element I can't get. What year was he around? Do you remember? I have no idea. If it's pre-1980, I have no fucking clue. Yeah, true. I can identify shit up to like 1959. Like Elvis coming out is as far back as I can nail a date down. Well, it's also funny because he was like an old lord, basically. He was like a medieval lord, I think. He was like in a very repressive time. So when he like found his sexual liberation, he kind of threw the baby out with the basketball. Yeah, the pendulum swung too far. Yeah, it swung too far back. And we've kind of come back to it as it does. True. True. What does it say about the Markade Asad? He was a freak bull. He was born in 1740, died in 1814. He was an enlightenment. He was an enlightenment kink. But don't get me, don't quote me on this, but I think he went to jail just for having such naughty thoughts and writing such bad stuff. Really? I think he wrote a book, and they put him in jail. Like, bro, jail. Sex crimes, blasphemy, and pornography. Yeah, well, he came out. I think his whole thing was like, it's just, it's on. Like, whatever you see, you can take down, and that's kind of the way it goes. Yeah, it was kind of like thumb wrestling. Yeah, it was fucked up. His whole view was that, like, if you see someone, you should take them down. If you can do it, you can do it. You know what I mean? There's no rules. He's fucked up. The only rules he followed were, like, natural physical rules. That was hot then. Those guys, that was the dawn of the Enlightenment, and those guys were like, if you showed any religious sentiment, like, sentimentality or whatever, they would just be like, the work. It was like for peasants. Religion back then was for peasants. If you were, like, an OG aristocrat back then, they were all in contest to be, like, one up each other. Like, I don't give a fuck about anything, dude. I don't believe any of that shit. Oh, yeah. They were like eighth-grade Catholic schoolboys that got into Satanism by, like, instead of drawing pentagrams, he was, like, chaining women up in his ass, being like. So he was doing it. My dad's full of shit. He says, you're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to do this. And he was just going buck. So he lived it. He wasn't just theorizing. No one. He was writing it like, this is what I did today, so maybe he was just a sick writer. So he was 50 shades in. He might have been IRL-ing, though. It was. So no one knows if Marquis de Salle was pushing lines. It was pre-ring cams and stuff, so he might have been just snatching from the house. He. No one. I don't know. I don't want to speak on a dead man. True, true. Chances are, it was. He was writing the truth. It was a journal. It's also crazy, because if you're a lord of the land, you had, like, a fiefdom. Peasants would come up to him, and he probably would blow their minds, being like, dude, what are you talking about? I could fuck you right now. And they're like, whoa, whoa! Your Excellency, please! Please don't fuck me, Your Excellency! He's like, you're lucky I don't. I'm going to fuck you in the mud right now. I'm not saying I would do that. If I didn't have kids, I'm not saying I would do that. Yeah, true. But I would break out of, like, the heterosexual rulebook. Yeah, for sure. I had a friend. I mean, that's the whole point of Kevin Kidd's, is that the heterosexual rulebook is for people with kids. I never thought. If you don't have kids, you don't need to even think about it. But I never thought of how heavy the heterosexual rulebook was until I was hanging out with a friend that didn't subscribe to it. Yeah. And she was like, dude, you guys live with the most insane rules that, like, I can't comprehend. What was she saying? Just, like, get married, have kids, be, like, you know, walk your dog, like, wear nice clothes. It's like. Well, hold on. Gay people talk about nice clothes. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, as, like, a heterosexual couple, you have, like, a ton of rules that are put on you. Yeah, yeah. That, like, you're supposed to do. So if you show up to, like, the bounce house, people are assuming you follow all of these rules. True. Whereas if you're in a non-heterosexual lifestyle, there are way less rules. I guess you're right. Like, you could be like, me and my play partner are going to take my kid to school today. You can't do that. You can. I would say you could do that from a heterosexual standpoint, too, but it's way more. Oh, okay. explosive. I thought you were saying, yeah, so if you're. Yeah, if you're. I think if you're gay, it's, like, it's pretty much assumed, like, you're going to be slightly polyamorous. You party a little harder. Yeah. But, like, if you find out your neighbor's next door, like, the play partner brings the kid to school, you're going to kind of be like, come on, man. Like, you're not following our rules. I thought you were saying you can have your play partner. You shouldn't have your play partner. You can, though, if you don't subscribe to the heterosexual rulebook. Yeah, that's true. Which I'm not trying to throw that rulebook out. You also can't. You can't have that. You can't explain an open relationship to kids. It's too. It's like two. Kids are so binary. Like, you can't be hitting them with, like, well, like, you know, mommy has, like, her boyfriend, who's more of, like, a physical, intimate lover that makes up for daddy. He's more kind of, like, good-natured, passive-quality. Like, they're going to be like, hold on, dude. Like, daddy's the strongest guy we know. It's like, yeah, dad's the strongest guy you know. Mom only loves dad. The bull's a little stronger. The bull's. But that's what daddy likes. You can't have. They can't have. That's the other reason we moved to Austin to try to expand our rulebook. I'm just kidding. I'm not putting that out. I'm not trying to go to, like, our Austin gone wild. True. The mayor went on Milwaukee gone wild. No shade. He got burnt. I'm on Austin's going wild, too. Where? What? I'm on the Austin G-Dub. How's Austin G-Dub? What's the scene? It's all right. It's fine. It's, you know. It's kind of tepid. Yes. You know how the G-Dub scene goes. I don't. Why is your rulebook, LeMaire? What do you mean? In terms of your rulebook, how wide is, like, how far. Like, where does the shock start from? Yeah, where would your kink hit the fringe where you're like, ah. I don't have fringe kinks, I don't think. Okay. Yeah, I don't believe. I don't think I have any fringe kinks. I try to stop before it starts getting weird. Are you just subbed on, basically? Yeah. Classic subbed on. Yeah. Classic Dom response. Yeah. So you're like Vanilla with a little peanut butter swirl. Like a cherry. Or a vanilla. I get with that. We just left. Me and my wife just left a deep suburbia where it's, like, weird if you don't have, like, two couples working for. Or, like, both spouses working from home. Yeah. And, like, if your kids don't play sports, they're like, yo. Yeah, true. They're weird. Although, I can get into that from a kink perspective. Like, deep suburban kink? Yeah. Go, like, full deep suburban dead bedroom birth on. Yeah, but, like, both on anti-depressants. They just let, like, 15 years pass. That'd be hot. It sounds kinky. Oh, fuck. It sounds kinky, but in reality, it's just two work-from-home goon caves and, like, a soccer game. Like, no one's. Everyone's too lazy, so it's just, like. Two work-from-home goon caves. It's, like, her she. Like, her she-shed. And, like, both of them are, like. Well, one of them's, like, reading erotica and the other one's, like. Goonies. Spending $1,200 a month on OnlyFans. Yeah, true. True. It's not a very spicy scene. It's not spicy. From what I know, I don't know. I've been locked into, like. It's true. my heterosexual rulebook household. Well, you've been on 1950s household for a while. Are you off that? I don't know. I've tried to establish that at the beginning, but it got shattered immediately. I've done it all, though. I've done seven years of, like, work-from-home. Yeah. Stay-at-home dad. Right. Stay-at-home both parents while, like, dad. Yeah. worked in mysterious ways. Yeah, sure. We've done all kinds of things. You've been on your wizard grind. Yeah, we've been on a wizard grind. We've been on a learning curve. So, you've tried all the different setups. What would you say is the ideal? As far as, like, spousal. Anything. All things combined. Not just kink. I will tell you, I've discovered what I think's the ideal. What? This is the other reason that brought us to Austin was we're trying to get into old. I'm more old Austin. I don't know, like. Hello. kind of weird to me. No shade on. Hello. But, like, you know, it's not really my scene. I'm old Austin. You know, I'm, like, slacker, keep Austin weird. You know, I'm more, like. I forgot you're bringing slacker back. I'm trying to become the apex slacker of Austin. That's my goal. That's fucking kind of sick. So, like, what me and Dana did was we sat down, right? Uh-huh. We did this in the middle of the pandemic. It was like my old goal used to be to slack full-time. For sure. But I thought in order to slack full-time, you need to. You need to make, like, a billion dollars doing something dumb. Mm-hmm. And then you can slack. Those guys don't really slack, though. I know. I learned that from my taco shop. For sure. I fucked up. True. That was, like, I started a taco shop to slack. Yeah. And it turned into. 80 hours a week. 80 hours of pure capitalistic. Yeah. indulgence. True. So, like, what we did was we sat down and we were, like, let's look at a budget where we cut out anything extra. Like, what would we need to not get our kids taken away? There you go. Right? It's $4,000 a month. Perfect. Right? It's like, if we could go out with $4,000 a month, CPS won't come take our kids and we won't get divorced from being too poor. There you go. So, like, we just bumped that up a little. That's the golden mean. That's perfect. So, we're, like, I'm trying. She's not that into this, but what I want to do is put a dry erase board on the fridge and split utilities and be like, yo, we both got to come up with this much money. Like, yo, you owe me 33 bucks for Comcast or whatever. She's not that into this. She's not that into that idea. You're trying to go full crackhead couple. No, I'm trying to go full, like, college live-in boyfriend-girlfriend. Yeah. Whereas, It's like dry erase board. You know, you've got to come up with this much for like Austin gas. Well, how are you going to handle if you smoke her down? How much does that cost? Bowl pack to bowl pack. It all depends. True. That's a sick setup. The whiteboard. Here's what we need. She hasn't gone full into that yet. That's my eventual goal. True. Like, like, it was like, people are always like, what are you guys going to do when you retire for not saving money? I was like, I'm going back to a whiteboard where it's like, baby, you don't have money. You got to move out. I'll put up a Craigslist or we'll get another roommate. There you go. And then it's like, tell him the rents more and pocket off that. Hey, that's a good idea. Like, cause I, I was like thinking, I'm like, dude, I was probably happiest back when I was like, fuck, I got to get 33 bucks. I would go to Chili's and like bus tables and I get like a $33 envelope. Come home, give it to my boy. Be like, yo, Comcast spade. And I just fuck off. That is a good way to go about it though. It's just the kids throw a monkey wrench in. Cause they need so much shit. Right. Like if I just tell them like, this is mommy and daddy's whiteboard. And when you get older, you can join our whiteboard. I mean, that's how they learned to grind though. It's true. It is a weird thing with money and kids where you don't want them to turn into just like brats. Definitely got to learn how to grind. They got to learn how to like come up with their load. So I'm just trying to think of when I can put them on. Yeah. Cause there was a brief period where like Mac started making a little bit more money than us watching reptiles. And we kind of were like, yo, do we put them up on the fucking board? He was coming up with like two or 300 week at one point. That's not bad. It was dry as fuck for both of us. And a part of me is like, yo dude, like do we shake this kid down? He went out, he went out and bought like a fucking, uh, this video game system that has everything ever. It was 300 bucks. And I was like, yeah, maybe we'll get that for Christmas. He's like, yo, maybe I'll get it right. Fucking now. Dude. Shut up. Free hunch and bought himself like a setup. You should have cut one of his lizard's fingers off my bro. Pay up. I was kind of like, then he's like, we kind of like, like he's playing it all day and yeah, he kind of bought it. Well, you're, you're the state though. You're the state. You have the right to taxi. It's true. But when your kid bought his own video game system, you come in, you go enough video game. Fuck you. Couldn't buy it. I bought it, dude. Fuck off. Like I'm paid. It's like having a roommate. True. So you have to establish some dominance. You have to. So like you got to drive around. Be like, yo, you can also be like, yeah, dude, you got to bury. Like we get half of whatever you make. That's how this works. That's what the state does. Oh yeah. It's 47% dude. He was coming up though. Oh, that's kind of nice. He was like watching all these lizards. He was like talking to people for it. And I'm just like, bro, I like the farmer's market tent. That's our other real make a mint. You pay be security. Like Mac. Sorry. It's how it works, bro. Now what we're thinking is Dana's going to get back into singing. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. So she's trying to find some like spots where she can sing. Mac's going to hustle his lizards. I'm trying to sell the Pedro's at the farmer's market. There you go. Probably at an off table off to the side. We have a communism tent. There's real communist tent here. Is there? Yeah. My comrades are there every week. They're off. They're like on the side street. What do they sell at the farmer's market? Their idea. Their poisonous ideology. Oh, they just preach communism. They just preach communism. I just get to walk by and be like comrades. That's wild. It's kind of sick. I just got a ride here from a deep. It's basically anti-communist, former communist, Cuban immigrant. Get them. Bring them over there. Patriotic as fuck. Yeah, dude. Like he had like eagles on the backs of all this shit. Like he was fucking rocking. Probably. Yeah. A couple of years in communism might do that to you, man. He was like, dude, you try to come up and they come and take your shit. I'm trying to design down the road after I'm done sorting out my family finances, like a subscription based government where whatever you want, you chime in. That would be nice. So it's like if you want to be a commie, we have a commie. I mean, it's track for you. That's not a bad idea. You got a fork. It's a subscription. And if you're not a commie, you got to buzz your phone and be like, fuck, that ride was five bucks. That's not bad. If you want to be a commie, you can get all the commie shit. So we'll have like a commie tier. That's not bad at all. So like if you try to come into a nice spot like this, like, sorry, commie, like no offense, but it's like, this isn't the reality of what you subscribe. Yeah. You didn't even be opulent. Can you claim fake comrade? What's that? Like fake comrade? No, because you got to have a subscription. Yeah. Your shit's all hooked to it. It's all hooked to it. It's all the shit you're talking on Facebook. You get linked to that. And that's what it is. That's your reality. Yeah. So it's like, you want everything to be free? Fuck, shit's free. There you go. But what if you like talk a different way on Twitter? You know? It's all, it would fuck you. I thought Twitter was just Goonin'. You can do the same thing for Goonin'. It's like whatever you're into on Twitter is all you can fuck with IRL. Well, you can either do like a social credit score thing where it's like how you act is how you get funneled into, or it's just whatever you show, you know, you put out and show up. Whatever you subscribe to, like voting. Like I can subscribe to any party I want, but like that's the thing that matters. I can say whatever I want. But dude, I think we should just get it like that. So like kind of like taking the algorithm and making it real. So like if you're into like heavy, like patriotic, like this is the best country ever. You're in the army. Go join the army, dude. You're in the fucking army. Locked and loaded. Go over there. Also, anyone can pilot drones for the most part. Like we can reenlist all the boomers. Like, all right, dude, go ahead. And like end the fight. If you want to talk about the Middle East, go ahead. Pilot a drone. Pilot a drone. So like instead of fighting at dinner, someone will be like, yeah, I'm a communist. Like I subscribe to like commie way. Well, it'd be some kind of ammo type shit. All your shit's there. Go for it. Yeah. So yeah, go ahead. And then you see these like weird, like block houses. Like, oh, that's where the commies live. But you're all friends. That's when you see the mansions and you're like, oh, those guys play some other game. The capitalist. We don't really fuck with that. And then you get gruel. You get whatever you want. And you can like dip into all that. You can subscribe to both. That one would be bad. So like you could get the commie set up. You get your block apartment. You get your government cheese. And if you're like, yeah, I'm kind of bored tonight. It's like, let's go hustle up some cash and go over here. You just can't get caught. True. If you got caught, double dip it. It would be like you have an incognito wheel for your fucking capitalistic ideas. It's not like your boy caught you. He'd be like, yo, what the fuck are you looking at? You're like, oh, shit, I was getting some bread. True. Especially if you're a young commie man. You like see a baby like you can go out, hustle it up. Yeah. Like I found a weird gift for you. And you can vote. You can do whatever you want. But it's all separate bubbles that everyone lives in. They're going to have to do something. They got it. We can't keep doing it the way it was. I think in Texas, the big race now is Tallarico and the Tallarico, I believe, claims. The other guy is. Yeah. Isn't he like Epstein adjacent kind of? Or is that just smut they're putting on him? No, he like he let like pedos out. He let pedos out. He let pedos out. Damn. He did. He did reform on the pedo bills. Yeah. Did he really let the pedos out? Let's get this. Let's get this on the books. I, you know, I know how it gets. Politics is a dirty game. You don't want the James Tallarico mudslinging Tallarico. Well, no, Tallarico didn't let. Oh, yeah. He could be mudslinging. I think Tallarico is quoted saying God is non-binary. Which here's the thing. That makes sense. I hold on. I would give that to Tallarico. But then no more fucking weird girls get to be non-binary. Then that's just like you can't claim to be. Wait. Tallarico claims God's non-binary. Yeah. I think it was like a political maneuvering being like God's probably not. Is he a man or a woman? They're probably like God's probably. He's non-binary, which is like. That's insane that that even enters the political discourse. I know. It's like. Is God a boy or a girl? What are you, a fucking third grade? I know. It's also a very clever way of saying God's fake. He's got big muscles. Yeah. It's a way of saying he's fake. But yeah, God's non-binary. Whatever. Bunch of bullshit. Bunch of fucking bullshit. There was an attorney in Waco that, you know, the trial was kind of fudged and Ken Paxton, I guess, was in charge of it. It ended in a hung jury. Nice. Respect. All packed out. And then Paxton's office opted for a plea agreement rather than retrying him. Retrying the pedo. Yeah. Was it a powerful pedo or just like a run of the mill? He was an attorney. So, yeah, I guess he was pretty powerful. Dang. So Paxton took it easy on a pedo. According to Google Gemini. Yeah. Yeah. That's not good. That's not good. You know? Yeah. I don't know. They're running the commercials heavy right now, which are always really funny. What, that he freed the pedo? Just like the he freed the pedo. And then the one about Tallarico is just James Tallarico is weird. And then they play a bunch of clips of him being like, God. Wait. So who freed the pedo? Tallarico or Paxton? Paxton freed the pedo. Tallarico. I don't understand why we don't just zap pedos like we do dogs that bite kids. Just come together. Yeah. And be like, yo, sorry. Is what it is. Like. Said it a hundred times. It's like, just get rid of him. Just get rid of him. Or put him on an island and let him. You know, pedo island would be nice. But all pedos, no kids. That's what I'm saying. Oh yeah, for sure. Obviously. Because eventually they would just go ape shit on each other. They should, they should put it like off the coast of Florida, like just near Disney World. Just send them down there and give them food, give them whatever. It's like you guys. I don't understand why they try to reintroduce those guys whatsoever. I do. We're talking about the Chris Hansen movie. I do think it is a little weird that they read those texts out loud. There's something weird about that being like. I'm. I'm going to lick your little butthole. It's like, all right, dude, you don't need to. We know he's what he's trying to do. You don't have to be graphic. Like when you say pedo, we get the rest of it. We totally get it. Like you sent dirty text, dude. You don't have to read them out loud. Because like I used to watch that show and laugh. And like when I watched the EDP thing, I was like, dude, this is a lot being like reading these texts. It's like, and I watched his thing with EDP. I'm like, dude, okay, dude, we know the guy's a bad pedophile. Who, EDP? Yeah. But it's like. Your post model is he's an ageophile. He's an ageophile. Still get zapped. But I'm saying. He's an ephemophile technically. He's a what? He's an ephemophile. people he's a fibophile technically but yeah you're zapped they should pedophile out in a fibophile and are different it's just like dude that's something you can't do and if you do you're gone you gotta go bro yeah you're fried it's like if someone was at my house and they start doing remotely better shit like you can never come to my house you're out dude i don't need to hear your backstory bro like you gotta go and i don't want you in a fucking apartment two miles up the street just gotta go dude yeah like megan's all's a waste of time yeah exactly you could say like megan's all should be like he used to live here he could drive by yo pedo used to yeah but just send him somewhere there's so much space we just drove across the country well dude there's so much fucking space if you murder people for murder it only makes sense that the punishment for pedophilia should match the crime and that should be exiled here's the thing with murder there is justifiable murder now there is i'm not saying it's i'm not saying it's okay to kill someone but if someone's like yo this guy walked in his house and his wife yeah he fucking killed someone and he's like yo this guy walked in his house and his wife yeah he fucking killed someone and he's like yo this guy walked in his house and his wife like some non-announced play partner was in the house with the wife and he shot him yeah yeah it's like dude that i could see that happen it's crime of passion and it is understandable it's like it's not it's not despicable like she's telling me like when are you gonna be home when are you gonna be home and then like you surprise her and come home early even though you kind of know and you shoot him and you're like yeah fucking you've been bothering me about when i'm gonna be home and maybe you camera you cave her head in with a hammer or whatever that's understandable it's like yeah i'm still like all right dude you know put him in jail for a long time yeah he might go to therapy and come around but it's like if you come out in 25 kid it's like dude yeah there's no justifiable there's no justifiable cause at all so it's like just take them yeah what how is that not why are they the laws so lax around that it's very odd i don't it's not even that they're lax it's that they're they're like complicated it's like how is it complicated it's like fucking yeah yeah you're going or like basketball coaches for high schools that do weird shit it's like dude you have to do something you have to do something you have to do something you have to do something you have to go you're toast yeah well now they get fired there's no yeah but they get fired but then they get like shuffled to like a sales job somewhere but it's like dude just take them like we just drove through arkansas right yeah no shit on arkansas there's a lot of crappy spaces in arkansas put them all there yeah you fence them off dude there's like gas stations with shower stalls they'll figure out what to do with each other you gotta put them on a res they need a res toss them on the pedophile put them on the pez because they have pervert park but they need to get further out here's the thing and it can drop ship like basic supplies no here's what it should be it should be like all right you get caught being a pedophile you're you're basically you got like 30 days so you're like a dog up for adoption yep you 30 days in the needle and if your family wants to sponsor your existence they can pay money if you exist within like a 40 like a one acre chain link fence setup or same concept maybe you can like yeah true this is jail or if you let's say you have like let's say you have a job that like no one will do and it's like cleaning toilets in like the back of an oil refiner in the middle of west texas you can adopt one and like they could be like a tesla kind of you just put them way out there that's way out there slave pedo slave would be nice ped slave would be decent all i'm saying is i think like as a nation instead of fighting we should have like a week-long conference in philadelphia where we just bring up all the topics we can agree on come to a conclusion that's what i'm saying dude rather than be like who do you want to vote for this guy banged a kid but this guy let a kid out that banged a kid yeah but dude let's end this conversation yeah fuck next you're both also there's there's a world of bizarre weirdos like bubbling up underneath them it's like all right get out of here what else we got pop up yeah that's kind of chill or at this point i think we're at a point with like ai technology where we don't need politicians i dude i i they're they're yeah you could like register like i would rather have my phone registered to me as an individual i mean i know it's like kind of social credit story where like if i vote it goes right to a counter that's everything settled yeah they bring up the topic we discuss it amongst ourselves and we send it and you don't need some dude who yeah my my phone could vote for me you go off my youtube algorithm yeah it's like yeah here's kind of like white guy owns black guy in a debate i was like white professor i had my screen time down to like non-existent but then like the last month before i moved was pretty much just like riding out of prison sentence yeah because like i had nothing to do it was like you're gonna go get set up in austin so i had like 30 days of just like coffee sitting in the yard smoking cigs yeah kind of chill so like my screen time was through the roof and all it was was like one punch mma knockouts in gas stations where like the guy you didn't think knew karate knew karate yeah yeah i would just watch them over and over like oh damn i got fucked and they could judge from that that you think pedophiles deserve the death penalty or something like that or something like that yeah i would just watch them over and over like oh damn i got fucked and they could judge from that that i shouldn't really have a say in things yeah this guy doesn't give a fuck he's smoking cigarettes drinking 10 cups of coffee yeah and watching knockouts just leave him yeah he'll be fine he's on his own shit but if i'm on there like raging against like i'm so mad about yeah this then you gotta say then you gotta say that's not that's not bad or if like you're a woman and you're like one of those like women that are like i don't think women should vote just be like yeah then she doesn't vote yeah but if you're a woman that's into voting vote ahead vote away like it's like i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know it's like it doesn't matter either way we can't make blanket rules anymore because there's no monolithic like television press yeah that's true everyone's on their own shit yeah like everyone walks outside and sees another world now whereas we used to all come outside like did you see a fucking oj case and everyone cared about the oj case now it's like no i didn't follow that i've been like looking up monster eclipse yeah good plan id by the way fucking real solid play it yeah it's a nice one so she's uh dude i wish i knew i got caught front and i called it something else i forgot what it was called but yeah i came back by the way this thing was closed from last time we did the podcast and i in my weakness i was like those guys really gotta fucking open my blinds afterwards into my head and i was like dude they're your blinds or your plant if you didn't notice did it suffer from lack of sun i mean this thing is just no it's nothing but suffering but now these these plants are tough this thing's tough yeah there's there's a bunch of house right now i might move out of this office soon so where are you gonna move in my i have a new office we have the warehouse oh yeah we drove by that yesterday did you see it yeah kids are hyped on it we got a warehouse coming up we went to um um i really fucked up oh we went to hop dogs yeah and then we went to the next yep were you fucked up and bought a warehouse yeah dude i have all i don't have any money now i just have a warehouse just skate park or do you like shredder it out i'm gonna do robin big make it a bad kid make it a bad kid hangout i should it was sick though i digs scape exactly what shredder did in tmnt i mean dude that's gonna that's pretty much what i'm doing i've had it for like a year and a half i'm gonna do it for like a year and a half i'm gonna do it for just like open it up kind of make it look like it looks locked and like let kids start doing their own thing there so i end up getting exiled go ahead guys there's something there well it'll get fired we'll get it fired up but it's i just wildly underestimated um you know i thought i was a warehouse guy there i'm barely a warehouse i'm hanging on i'm hanging on for dear life as a warehouse guy wait so you bought the place then what did we see yesterday that says hello that's the place that's the warehouse i'm a double warehouse guy wait where's the other warehouse man it turns out i'm a one warehouse man where's the other warehouse man it's right next to it are your warehouses bro yeah that's what's up is what's up dude can you freight them out or something or just start trucking i might do like a fucking we work you should buy a truck that's the hustle i for real thought about this you should start trucking anything and kind of get the rep for like yeah i'll drive whatever i'll drive i mean inspections good business down here i've i had this grand plan before of smuggling drugs and mattresses that was my big thing just kind of mattresses mattress warehouse in mexico cut them open load them up and just fucking truck them drug games kind of cooked it's cooked yeah drug games fucking whack now maybe peep so i can throw some peeps in those mattresses this episode is sponsored by better help if you've thought about trying therapy with our long-term partner better help insurance options may now be available nationwide with an average copay for eligible members of just 23 per session and just in time for world mental health day on the 10th but honestly your mental health is something you should be supporting all year round let me let me riff on this your mental health doesn't check the clock there's no planning for a spiral i had if you feel comfortable talk about a time recently where you're feeling a little bit better and you're feeling a little bit better feeling stressed or anxious when did it happen was it an inconvenience how could therapy or what you learned in therapy help you through such a moment the other day i got so stressed out and i said you know what let me use some mindfulness tactics here right now and i did it and it was just all through therapy that it worked so well guys if you've been waiting to start therapy better help works with more than 125 health plan networks and eligible members have an average copay of just 23 per session with insurance don't have insurance or live outside the united states you can still get 10 off your first month visit betterhelp.com mssp to explore your payment options that's better help.com mssp guys oh sorry let me just guys please you can check me out uh charlotte north carolina october 9th october 10th jacksonville florida atlanta georgia chattanooga fort lauderdale tampa orlando here's the big one guys i'll see you next time bye i've been begging you for weeks newark new jersey don't mess me up guys i'll be down in newark it's a giant 3 000 seater i'm gonna i'll probably have a nervous breakdown and leave the stage baltimore maryland columbus ohio cincinnati san diego and sacramento please come matt mccusker.com please hey everybody it's me lemare please please come hang out at these shows the optimum doctors every first and third tuesday at the creek in the cave and then also i'll be in indianapolis on the 8th for let's fest and then i'll be in marion illinois on uh october 10th for little egypt festival that should be a hoot and then at the end of the month i'm going to be all the way oh new orleans on uh october 21st uh yeah and then in florida in jacksonville at the river city comedy on thursday the 29th and in orlando at alex's underground on the 31st please hang out i'm really not fun and try stuff i'm sure you can do something with the warehouse i'll get it i'll figure it out just turn it into like i don't know you do the warehouse i'll do a halloween a haunted halloween halloween on halloween i had an idea like you've been to an escape room the what escape rooms rule yeah dude that's me britney's kink by the way what we're big escape room heads damn dude not lying dude they're nice i went to one people shit on escape rooms dude i kind of shit on them everyone thought it was like quirk chunk of shit but my boy kurt brought me to one yeah man i had so much fucking fun it's the best and i was obsessed with it for like three days then we moved so i haven't gone to another one bro bro they are so much fucking fun they're they fucking i thought it was like doggo pupper shit like i don't want to grow up that shit fucking they rule and it's also like i mean it's a real test of metal everyone's a talk shit until they get in the room i was there with dog shit let's see who solves more puzzles dude i was there with a dude i'd never met and my boy kurt who's an airline pilot that's sick all locked in damn we got there zero ego we all were just on a team locked because it wasn't like i was like dude if i can't do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this what kind of room are you talking like what was the theme it was like an auto body shop where like things weren't quite what they seemed it seemed kind of like a horror movie type thing it's really chill get any hints a couple hints yeah and we didn't solve it either but i was like tell them like dude if i came in here with my brothers we would have been fighting yeah i was in here with two dudes that was too much ego in the room dude was like dude you don't know what the fuck you're talking about but um i went in with three dudes and none of us had anything to prove to each other so we just like fucking locked in. it was like one mind you still didn't win though yeah they're so fun and what the most fun thing was i was like about to hop in the shower and dude texted me he's like yo you wanna go to an escape room i was like like in general he's like no in like three minutes i was like yes i just like jumped in his car and we went did the escape room he dropped me right back off it's it's good clean adult fun we know with your warehouse dude you could do a halloween thing i had this idea yeah after the escape room where you could do a halloween thing i had this idea yeah after the escape room where set it up like a cabin and have like a murderer Jason man legitimately chasing you and your friends. So if he like hits you with the blade, you're dead. So you have to like hide under mattresses or hide, kind of like hide and seek, but like Halloween theme or like he will kill you. That's tight. So it's like you go in, you get like a 15 minute time slot and like you're going through a haunted house. That's just a normal warehouse, but with like pallets and like stuff, not a bad idea. And like random, like you don't know what's happening. And like dude hops out and slashes you in your toast. That's pretty sick. I was, I was thinking Halloween theme. I might actually take some of the city employees that are holding it up and murder them and actually murder the city employees. Are they rough down here? Like Philly? They're not as bad as Philly. Philly. It's everyone's like, dude, this is the worst. I'm like, you guys, you can call the city down here and they'll answer the phone. Like you, like the, the, the permitting, you can talk to people at the permitting office. You can't do that. You can barely talk to them. If you go, go down there and then they find one reason that you pissed them off and you're out of line. I think they'll probably do that here too, but it's Philly so much more like harder than the entire Northeast. Like once I started coming down here, I was like, dude, this is insane. How like it's high functioning action down. Dude, we are, are a one time our trash didn't get all the way picked up. Like a couple of bags got stuck in the bottom. We called a number like the four one three one one or whatever it is. Dude answered. First of all, they answered. And then they were like, Oh, sorry about that. That next day, a trash truck drove back, dumped the trash in and took off. And I was like, that's, that's fucking insane. You don't get that up in the Northeast. No, you can't call them. You can. I remember I got the parking authorities like legit number cause they had, they had booted one of my, they booted a couple of my whips. And the one time I was like really, I was like kind of nice hitting the guy with the sad sack, like bro, I'm fucked. And he goes, dude, take this number. Don't tell anyone I gave it to you. So I would call the parking authority all the time. They get direct line. It was direct. And they'd be like, how did you get this? No, they got so mad. I had the direct Philadelphia parking authority right to the belly of the beast. Well, like it's so like, that's what me and Dana were like blown away by. Like you come down here and it's just so much smoother. Yeah. Like Philadelphia is insane. Dude, wait till you wait for like six months and hop off a plane. You get in the Philly airport and you're like, Whoa, what the fuck happened? It feels like everyone just got over a fight, you know, like post post fight energy when the house is quiet. Why is that? It's the whole thing. It's like me and Mac went, we went to get coffee the first morning. We were here and we pulled up some fucked up ghost kitchen. I was like, I rate, right? And we hop out. And so I was like, I needed some coffee. I had a pounding headache. I'm like, what the fuck is this place? I got out literally cursing with an eight year old with like, what the fuck is this place, Mac? And some dude was like, Hey man, this is a ghost kitchen. And he walked me through the entire process. Then some other young Mexican man walked up and Mac said hi to him and he shook his hand. Good morning. That's so nice. And Mac was like, dude, that guy was cool. I'm like, bro, people are cool down here. People are like, if I pulled up somewhere in Philadelphia and didn't know what I was doing, someone might punch me. Yeah. They would punch and kill me. They would real call you gay. Yeah. Or be like, fuck it. They just, or they just ignore me. Yeah. So it's like, you come down here. Everyone says hello. Everyone's chilling. Yeah. People are a lot friendlier here for sure. I think what has happened over time is like people have left Philadelphia if they were like kind of chill and headed West. Yeah. Whereas like we're still stuck with like the people who land it and how pissed off they were. True. And it's just in our minds. Yeah. You're pissed. Like fuck that. Just the very first spot. Could it move? And it's like got from Ireland. I mean, it's literally as close as you can get. Got to New York was like, it kind of sucks here. I'm going to find something better. Came down to Philadelphia. Like, I guess everything sucks. It just, it's like eight generations of like life sucks. It sucked in Ireland. It sucks here. It sucked in Italy. It sucks here. Yeah. Sucked in New York. Sucks in Boston. Sucks in here. And we all accept it. We all accept it. We all accept it. We all accept it. It's true. You just accept how much everything's the weather sucks too. Weather blows. Well, I can't bam out of that much. No, that last winter you guys had was bullshit. It's what happens while we moved here. Yeah. We were down here and we went home. We were like, dude, why are we still meddling around? I couldn't stop laughing just at the, the potential just in case if one of those like lizards or like if the, if a tarantula had gotten out in the hotel, that would have ended the business. Well, if you were, if I was in a hotel and I took a picture of a tarantula and put it on Yelp, that place would be especially like cruising down the highway. Like, yo, it's got one star. Yeah. There's fucking tarantulas. Yeah. We smuggled them in too. It was nuts having like my eight year old son, like run cover. I'm like, yo, when we roll in, say what's up to the dude at the desk and he'll think you're cute. Oh, I'm blasting by with like snakes in a bag. They had a bell hop cart with the black stack with like fucking pythons and shit. The guy's like good morning or good at good evening. We're like, Hey dude, how you doing? I just had like a sheet over it. I felt like the fucking, uh, like I told dad if I were sneaking into a Jason Aldean concert, what's a Jason Aldean with the Vegas dude. I was like, now I understand. Cause I was always like, dude, there's no way that guy snuck all those submachine guns. I'm like, dude, you easily could. It's like some dude like looking at his phone. Yeah. You're just rolling machine guns. Two bell hop carts covered in blankets. It could have been a bomb on those things. They would have no, this episode is brought to you by mint mobile. Mint took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with premium wireless for 15 bucks a month. No gimmicks, no gotchas. You can even bring your current phone and your number. Go to mint mobile.com slash drenched upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 months plan required $15 per month. Equivalent taxes and fees, extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabytes of hotspot capable devices required availability, speed and coverage varies. See mint mobile.com. Incredible. This episode is brought to you by rocket money. Rocket money. Um, Matt, what were you finally able to save for? Thanks to money, the automatic savings vacation. Can I, can I tell you something? Actually, I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. You know, there's, there's lying cam girls. No, actually, it's funny enough. They had nothing to do with that. I was going through my, which one caught me. I have a joint credit card with my wife and we're going over the monthly charges and it was like a shock. They almost, someone had, I think, frauded us and I had a charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son's a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. That's, I mean, and also that's a tough one for you to have to, I know that was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so taken off. So surprised by this. This is fraud. Someone's, this is fraudulent, suspicious activity. Rocket money involved. Rocket money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending and helps lower your bills. So you can grow your savings. Guys, let rocket money help you reach. your financial goals faster join at rocketmoney.com slash mssp that's rocketmoney.com idea dude had no care mom i didn't know mom was in the chat gbt that's my favorite development dude dude she was printing out chat gbt she was like cyber nagging my dad on the way down and like so she had ways right three yeah she pretty much like go into chat gbt and be like what's the best way to avoid dallas traffic and it would be like 50 bullets so she'd be like reading printed chat gbt bullets to my dad while driving in dallas traffic oh my dad you're a fucking saint i told her before i left i'm like dude take it easy on that on the way home yeah man stare at the ways and it'll do everything for you it'll do this in real time so i was like mom we've already figured this out yeah it's like did you put it through ai i'm like mom like you're three years late to the game and like it's hitting you with bullets that are designed to like how you read and how you talk yeah so you're literally like taking ai consciousness and hassling dad with you're hitting him on a level that's like i started to fear ai when i was coming down before i like whatever ai is like i'm like dude ai is gonna make our lives hell we're gonna be like 60 like trying to lug beach chairs onto the beach with our wives and they're gonna be like dude it says here high tides at three you can't hit him with all the knowledge in the world yeah no britney hit me one time we were text fighting and she goes for real send this whole thing through grock it'll tell you you're wrong i was like bro fuck that i'll we're i i give up i did that one time one time i was fighting with dana she started live chat gbt amy and i walked out yeah i have to draw the line here i'm like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be like oh my god i'm gonna be here because they tell you what you want to hear i know they're just like your husband yeah i do to be nice baby it'd be nice to be like a firm shake is still domestic violence also to be like i kid i've i've never once like i've been so mad my life i've never once thought about like hitting like i don't understand that hitting her i've just never like i've never i've only thought about in the abstract like should i for real like pin her down and would that help but i'll like nah but like my track goes right like maybe that does work just like fucking listen well i did if i'm like i'll never if i hit my peak madness it goes to like start walking and be an alcoholic on the streets and forget about true safer place like i always tell her when we fight i'll close my eyes and she's like what are you doing i'm like i'm just dreaming of the day where i'm just getting like woken up on a bench and people are like i think he had a family somewhere just like college kids are like giving me molly and stuff they're like yo give him molly it's funny he tells funny stories and i'm like i had a family that's my new happy place i'm just like it's nice i could just be a like a nameless bum in a college town and like drifter beach bum just awesome just especially a bum with some sense dude they're they're they're it's the most coveted position if you think about it yeah like you walk up people give you cigs they give you like beers and they're like he's a good dude he's not a bad one exactly you don't have to do anything for him you'd be helping move a couch out of a car you get paid for a month you're chilling i was telling people like standing there oh i'm parking spot right here yeah park's about right here i got you i always look those guys up or like as they're walking the street tell them the coffee shop's closed easy before they're like that close you drew the most valuable dude in the world true get on the 7-eleven door hustle yeah you're opening the door suddenly don't ask anyone for money people might give you yeah god bless you open the door god bless you yeah god bless you hey man can i get one of them cigs yeah done hey man can i get half that beef stick yeah he's done no one's gonna fight with me no you'll be chilling my kids will understand yeah i always tell them like dude i'm not gonna die i'm not gonna put you through like parent death one day i'm just gonna drift into oblivion i'll be like 65 so you won't have to go through the suffering of like my dad died you'll know i'm alive and you'll always think i'm alive but i'll just be like holding doors in a 7-eleven job done like you're 24 you got married you did your thing i'm just gonna be like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like i'm just gonna kind of drift into like that's kind of nice just a wayward but you can text me actually you can set up like a chat gbd not even that as far as you know i'm dead like i as your provider father thomas yeah i'm dead the whiteboard's yours but you don't have to suffer like saying goodbye and hold my hand yeah you're watching the thing beep that'll happen out of your sight take a sick picture of yourself yeah but here keep this i'm really this i'm good i'm just done my job that i started and i don't want it to get awkward yeah i don't want to get i don't like you know like whatever i have now you can have yeah we'll do the inheritance thing now whatever you know settle my debts i'm just gonna start walking i don't think anyone can stop you it's not like you're faking your death you're just like it's not bad you're just ending your existence you're going to the hermitage pretty much you're going to the hermitage yeah it's very it's very eastern to do you don't have to deal with like getting a phone call where it's like hey i got some bad news for you man yeah yeah the fucking sigs caught up with me or like yeah and it's nice because he can be like he's probably still out there right now yeah my dad's live yeah i don't know where he is yeah i don't know where he is yeah i don't know where he is he's helping some college kids move i remember i remember uh it was funny because we were i had mom and dad stay with me for like two days and the uh i hadn't watched him operate in a while and we were taught we were just like eating breakfast talking about weight gain and my mom's still in the bedroom my dad's sitting there and he's like merrick tell him what i told you what would i tell you would happen if you gained weight my mom walks out of our guest room she goes uh he told me he'd hit me on the head with a shovel he'd take me out back and hit me in the head with a shovel he's so full of shit but then then she was like they he was she was telling me about how he he was like he loves driving trailers all over the place and he had a trailer on the back of the truck logging some shit and one of the tires went so he was in the walmart parking lot and he was like trying to take the tire off but like you got to take it off yourself you're gonna like trade it in for another i don't know what the fuck he was doing but they were like you got to take the tire off yourself and i was like whatever he's down on his hands and knees and like alabama taking a tire off a trailer and it was rusted on he couldn't get it off and my mom was like bro just fuck is it it's like just leave it on who gives a fuck because he was trying to get it off in case he's like it's old so i don't want it to pop i'm gonna get a new one and replace whatever trucker shit it's trucker shit and my mom's just like yeah so i told him i said because he's like he got like a heart palpitation she's like you're gonna die on a walmart parking lot with a heart attack is that really what you want go ahead and do i'm like jesus lady fucking guys fucking tripping out right now trying to tie her off like you're gonna die right now dude i always think like brutal dude i'm always like my wife's gonna chill out as the kids get older and like she doesn't have the leverage on me of like i have to take care of these kids with you but like i'm like it's just gonna escalate yeah dude they fire up that's why old dudes just booze and fucking watch sports and like yeah dude i mean after it there's no force can was like no you like no one can withstand that for that long without just mentally smoothing out that's what i'm saying if i go back to my original plan if we have the whiteboard it's just like hey babe what do you want to do i get some pizza yeah it's like 98 it's like all right like they have the free comes and she's trying to grab a slice and be like you gotta cough up you gotta get down on this yeah i'll just be gaming be like yeah you'll play mario kart just fucking run with it it'd be sick it would be sick long-term goal that is my retirement plan couple's goals it's a couple just to like morph into room college roommates that'd be perfect always smoke weed together order from uber eats you didn't get me anything no no she'd be like oh fuck i got on my phone she'll order it too yeah not a big deal you would think or if she's just not home for a couple days fuck she is then she let me i'll be i got fucking hammered at preakness i'll be like damn for real it's fucking sick it's fucking sick babe but yeah i'm glad you i'm glad you made it down that's nice it's been sweet dude so far it's been sweet we got a lot on packing to do we got a lot of shit to figure out yeah i was fucked up for like straight six months i keep getting hit with like waves of like reality shift panic where like i'll be tucking the kids in i'll just be like dude where the fuck am i yeah what am i doing and i've been having insane periods of time where i'm like insane dreams really like you're under different constellations now i think it's different constellation andrew so i'm downloading a new map probably so my brain's at night it's in overdrive i'm like getting a new gps system it's kind of sick it's kind of sick seeing new stuff all the time tires you out the first thing i would drive past you and be like never even seen that palero we're trying to figure out the roadways and shit it's mind-boggling it really tires you out but and no one's letting you in but like just like loop arounds and shit and i have no idea where i am ever yeah that's something i put gps and i'm 100 relying on it with zero frame of reference dude it took me it took me like five months to be able to drive anywhere without a gps and i would come by you with i would like you would think i was like lewis and clark i'd be like bro i can't believe i just made it to the grocery store by myself this is crazy even that like we don't know where to get groceries like yeah we're trying to figure all that that's kind of fun though because then you get to go to the grocery store and you're like oh my god i'm gonna go to the grocery store find a new little spot and find this and that and blah blah yeah we'll be doing that for a while but it'll be chill i think it's got that's what i've learned even the babe steady for sure is like the key i had to keep so i do every morning i wake up i'm like gotta steady the babe thank you yeah thank you for bringing us here you're the best you're working your magic right now you don't even understand girl you are magic mama you got this yeah you gotta keep the babes that's step one the kids are chill the kids are like kids don't give a fuck about having boxers cool dude they think it's it's it's they just live for excitement i walked i walked out this morning maggie was just dancing to mexican music out front yeah just chilling she said dude this is nice you're standing amongst like a bunch of empty boxes just dancing to like cumbia music they don't give a fuck at all when they took all of our stuff out of our house we moved i remember like sitting the kids down and being like guys it's really important i go away and do shows i have to do this so we get stuff and they took all my shit out of my house and they're like this is awesome and i'm like fuck fuck dude you don't want any father's an egomaniac sorry guys yeah they're chilling i think they'll like it a lot down here they will they'll it's my would complain all the time she'll go it's too hot i'm like shut up you'll be fine and where we were living just nothing like especially for them it's so boring it is yeah like philadelphia suburbs like unless you're in there they're homeschooled so they're not in like the the run of the mill yeah it's just every day they're just like yo what are we doing today yeah they were just you're not playing like traveling lacrosse it's like there's not really and luckily they're young enough where they hadn't hit that serious wave yeah but down here like they're going to some river school tomorrow for the day like there's tons of shit it's gonna fucking rock tons of chill people river school's gonna be bumping tomorrow even like right like when we were saying hi to dogs yesterday with the kids everyone's so nice i know whereas like where we were it's like hey can we say hi to your dog and they're like get down squat put your hand out let him sniff you for it i'm like shut up don't and then it's immediately start giving your kid the download like how to approach a dog and you're like first of all i'm assuming he's friendly yeah why the fuck would you bring into a kid's playground second like shut up i it's such a happy moment and you're like i'm gonna tell you now it's like dude just fuck but i get audibly angry whenever like we pay your dog and a guy like i prefer you didn't i'm like you motherfucking bitch i swear to fuck i get bernie's excited he's right but like my thing is you have a kid approaching your dog right i get so mad dude pissing me off all you have to say is i'm like i'm not gonna play your dog i'm not gonna play your dog i'm not gonna play your dog i get mad when people don't match kids vibe yeah like that so it's like i paint your dog no it's like fuck you just be like he has the the diarrhea is right now the kid like ha ha ha dog diarrhea and you're like don't touch them dude we had it there's a dog the other day i saw i saw a dog the other day full muzzle it's like bro get rid of that fucking thing you're walking a dog on like a fucking site hannibal it's like having a car you have to tow everywhere you got a bad one bro dude i ship them off maya was like why is it why does he have that i'm like it might bite someone i don't why would you have that some people are just nuts to that yeah true they're just like liability ads where they're like i don't want to take a chance all right dude good luck in life i should chance my ass when i prefer you didn't pet him actually it's like okay okay all right way to chill i didn't then i look like an asshole walking by like fucking bitch i don't mind it's like that's a bad word i'm like my shut up all right it's pissing me off i don't get any of that in old austin yeah no it's just oh man come on jeez i'm gonna i'm a new austin i know i love the domain i like new austin i don't know where anything you could drop me a hello tell me it's old bro you would obviously you would puke in the domain is it chill i like it what is it uh do you like modern retail nah and sleek apartment housing above it i don't not like it i'm on some new shit where i'm trying to not not like anything yeah it's just if i'm not into it i just don't let it enter yeah you just go okay it's not for me i'm not gonna actively not like it's like my new man i'm not gonna actively not like it's like my new man i'm not gonna actively not like it's like if there's something that doesn't resonate with me i'm just going to like be like i'm i love that that exists keep moving it's a good move rather than be like because i realized back east i spent most of my time talking to dan about how much i hated shit yeah true dude you know what i fucking hate subarus it's like why did i just talk about that for an hour like i'm not gonna buy one just let them go they don't affect me you know like you know i fucking hate work from home people yeah why why why would you even think about it which is east coast bullshit dude yeah you get caught up i was out in california i was like 20 i remember i was gonna move out there with these pot dealer or these like pot growers because and the dude was like dude go home get your shit together don't get caught up in the east coast bullshit get right back out here damn you told me this like 24 years you got caught up in the east i got caught up in the 24 years i got caught up in ecbs oh excuse me i came back it was like yo deuces i'm going out to tahoe to grow weed and then like slowly i vaguely remember this i was gone how'd you get caught up in the ecbs it gets you dude it's like a spider web i dude i slide back in you're trying to parallel park start fighting this guy 24 years ago by i had a similar tale i was going to move to brazil yeah my goal was to grow weed cash in move to brazil i got caught up in the ecbs dude it gets you dude forever bro i don't even know what happened thick you don't even know my my crop failed though still though i put weed i put a weed plant i remember the basement yeah i put in the basement thinking you could just put a light on it and walk away and come back three months later to dense foliage i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i always not the case not the case i always assume growing weed was the easiest thing in the world so hard because i was like exposed to the propaganda that weed growers were like the biggest losers in the world like growing up was like the guy probably grows weed yeah it's video games and then when i got into it i was like this is the most refined art there is it's so hard it's so hard and you can you can unravel a multitude of like tricks and like terpenes and light profiles like it's the most respectable it is craft especially if you get into like yeah fucking uh genetics and breeding and crossbreeding and all that stuff people like craft beer i think is for fucking craft beer is the dumbest shit yeah it's not as it's not as refined at all as refined it's like oh i've used this different malt yeah you're pouring liquids together you're pouring liquids together like you made oatmeal and let it fucking sit but once again i don't hate on it because it's like dude i don't drink craft beer that's ecbs to spend time hating shit that you're not even involved in that's true that's the eight that's the pinnacle of ecbs ah there might be some usbs a little bit of usbs that's true a lot of people a lot of people get into that hating something they have nothing or just identifying with what they're not full-time true it's like dude i'm not a lib yeah you might be kind of like you might be a little some of these ideas might be kicking a little yes that could be that's a tough thing to go so i'm working on that becoming the apex slacker apex like when people see him i'll be like oh that's that's him that's the dude he's the top of the slack i don't think he has a bank account but like he somehow functions that is nice it's my goal also yeah who is that dude that's there's a lot of there's a lot of spots dana can get to doing her music at too we're fully confident like i told you i'm like dude our dry boards like 600 each that's all she needs we can get to doing our music at too we're fully confident like i told you we can definitely do that dude one day i mean there's a there's a nook in the airport you can just plug in a guitar i i have big dreams dude i'm looking for a soft percussionist i want to start like a soft percussion trio let's get a couple of cues of guitars just get a piano get an outdoor piano and start doing that'd be nice the farmer's market here someone does the uh big xylophones they rip those that's extra but i hate i want a piano i want to walk by the guys like halfway through rocket man i give them five bucks true i can't even play that yet but that is the xylophone is a little extra especially when they do like four prongs in one hand you're like dude it's cool that you can put what like i said yeah it doesn't resonate i love you i love what you're doing i'm not gonna spend time thinking true i'm just gonna keep moving and keep i met a dude years ago back when i was on my like capitalist grind i went down to florida and bought a motorcycle sight unseen i bought like an old sportster i was like fuck yeah i'm just buying motorcycles yeah i'm doing i was riding around like the backwoods of florida and it broke down some dude just randomly pulled over right and he was like yeah let me get this thing running for it drain did a bunch of like drain the gas got me some fresh gas because it's probably bad gas if it's old yeah so i hopped in his truck left the bike on the side of the road we went to the gas station he's drunk as fuck he like bought another like chelada at the gas station yeah drinking that comes back gets my bike running i'm like bro can i give you some money he's like i don't need any money man he's like just promise me you'll never leave a stranded motorist anywhere i was like i promise you bro damn it i'm not gonna give you any money man i'm not gonna give you any money man but i was like what do you do down here the dude lived in florida right he was an alcoholic drank most of the time but his job was geezers would pay him to be like boots on the ground so if they're like yo we got an amazon pack can you put it inside because it can't sit in the heat he was the man who opened your door and put it in made 60k a year what and then just drank all winter because no one was there well the geezers all came down so he just hit the paint all winter sober up do his job in the summer when it sucked out and then get back to chilling full time it's kind of sick i was telling them i do want to get down here and just like my dream job is to be like the dude who like shows people apartments so like i get some like young couple and they're like looking at apartment i'm just like reading text like yeah you like it that's not bad i don't give a fuck you know that's not a bad gig yeah fill out the application hold on yeah i'll email you the application guys like it's on reddit it's on reddit no kids like fucking dorks i was like i guarantee we can find jobs down here that are just like oh we need like a dude who's not always drunk that can like show like young bubbly couples houses that they might want to rent because they got a job with like tesla yeah dude let's go we have dogs here i'm like i don't know read the application yeah probably i don't know or i'll just text and be like your door code six nine two four easy i'll be over there in a minute i'll be over there in a minute i'll be over there in a minute - 20 minutes, get it like 40 minutes later. - That's perfect. - Yeah. - What would you rock? would you dress biz cash or just pretty leisure same thing same ponytail that's sick actually i'm like a ponytail clean stash tell them i'm old austin yeah it's changed around here this place used to be cool that's still cool it's just yeah it's just cooler yeah dude rainy shoot was crazy i remember yeah 15 years ago crazy you saw it i'm all about it remove the height restrictions build up go up high block city hall block all that crap i don't know i want the terror fab just laid right in the middle of fucking congress just fully like tesla million square kitchens only robots only waymo's only waymo's rope i'm a futurist i'm into waymo waymo rules i think what we should do is like futurize cities as far as we can and then like you can have outskirts where you can get into the old ways that's not bad you can go stay there as long as you need to but when we get to the city we're taking care of the city we're taking care of the city we're taking care of the city business let's go full tech drone every drone every like make the cities as high tech as we possibly yeah and then like keep the outskirts so rural as soon as you're like damn dude i just want to go like get stoned and live in the country 20 minutes away go chill right there milk a goat do whatever the fuck you want yeah back to the city like back to business put your helmet on like all your biometrics are tracked like if you study chill beats automatic like lo-fi study music automatically comes on your earpiece like you're tapped in when you go in the city there's no you don't think about a fucking thing and then if you want to like go make a baby with your wife go out to the fucking sticks if you want to conceive in town it's ivf only you gotta dress like a stormtrooper you hit the city it's like folding chair pants i forgot to wear them i told you you had them fuck she's kind of clown on you she's like she's like oh my dad has folding chair pants they're so boring they're just not well like yeah you step into the city and it's like everything i put on the uh so i get the you don't even eat he sent me the tom sent me the picture of the folding chair pants and i was like i'm getting them right now i'm gonna get an exoskeleton i'm getting an exoskeleton at 1200 off amazon you can get like a jogging exoskeleton it's basically you put it on like an elliptical in real life you should be able to do all that in the city judgment free and the city will be like yo why are you walking your dog we have dog walkers yeah what the fuck what the fuck are you doing that's country shit yeah there's a dog treadmill just put them on there you come in headset work from home exoskeleton exoskeleton texting your wife like fucking everything's alexa yeah uh what time do my kids get alexa yeah put on my kids lullaby alexa start the bath water everything's like boom then you got to country it's like yo dad i missed you it's like yeah city just is what it is yeah i don't tuck you in in city limits like it's true you go in your pod i go in my pod optimal temp we're tapped in but you're getting everything done you know i mean like the productivity is through the fucking i'd have i'd have like 40 ai agents firing off 7 000 you fight with your wife through ai you know i was laughing about getting the ai agent he's like yeah dude it sends emails it's like to who other ai agents but dude let the cities rip and do go crazy that's what most people's work from home jobs are yeah it's like oh you didn't send that email in on time to the email email emailed email like yeah they're not doing anything bullshit you're working from home you're really doing anything you're not and you're not as tapped in you're not as locked in as you should be no but i'm saying take that like provisional exoskeleton yeah wake up ai agents ai agents and then you just fucking fire them off stim 40 000 emails to your department they have their they like filter your emails like everyone who's ever bought anything off you gets an email about that thing they bought off you gets the backstory it's just like your ai agent sends your backstory to everyone like i'm matt mccosker here's where i came from like oh cool i got that backstory email done dude i wore the chair pants for maya thinking she would laugh i put them on and she was like uh take those off yeah she called me she called me to clown on you she's like my dad's got she cried dude i put them on and she i i she saw me like because i was putting them on you just i like i finally got it my legs are all strapped up with all the stuff and i i finally sit but i'm like trying i'm like adjusting them i almost fell over and i just see her look at me and she was like take take those off dad and i think i think like it downloaded into her you know like when you're a kid you're like my dad's like super so smart and i think that's like a six-year-old i think it's a six-year-old that died in her and she went to the hospital and she was like oh my god i'm like she went oh this guy's a fucking idiot yeah and then she started to cry i'll take him off i'm sorry i'm just i'm just kidding around she got that memo like 20 years early yeah it was i was like fuck that's on me i thought she would think it was funny the natural progression is like my dad's the coolest he's the smartest then you hit like 20 and you're like my dad doesn't know anything and then you have a kid and you're like i this guy yeah yeah yeah i'm not i'm not to work back into her good graces the chair pants dude fucked her up she's like you said they're boring sometimes i'll be like hanging with dad and i look back at all the times where he was like oh let me show you how to do this i was like let me show you how to do this fuck off like i'm gonna go play in the creek dork i was like 19 he was like trying to show me how to like do car stuff like i know dork i was thinking about that i was like i never learned about car stuff but i definitely would be like later dude later dude like i'm gonna go do anything besides chill with you like i look back i'm like dude if mac did that to me i'd be gutted for oh god yeah my boy doesn't want to chill with me my boy thinks i'm a dork yeah true is what it is true yeah it was it was definitely that i never i never got to learn car stuff i'd see him in the garage and be like yeah i'm gonna walk around the other way i got i got a case of beer i'm working out a case of beer right now i'm trying to get some weed i'm getting the fuck out he's fucking gay as hell about me smoking weed i'm outtie well dude thanks for coming all right dude thanks for having me we did it let's go watch new episodes of matt and shane secret podcast on spotify do it for adults with crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms every choice matters trimphia offers self-injection or intravenous infusion from the start trimphia is administered as injections under the skin or infusions through a vein every four weeks followed by injections under the skin every four or eight weeks if your doctor decides that you can self inject trimphia proper training is required trimphia is a prescription medicine used to treat adults with moderately to severely active crohn's disease and adults with moderately to severely active ulcerative colitis serious allergic reactions increased risk of infections or lower ability to fight them and liver problems may occur before treatment get checked for infections and tuberculosis tell your doctor if you have an infection flu-like symptoms or need a vaccine explore what's possible ask your doctor about trimphia today call 1-800-526-7736 to learn more or visit trimphia radio.com feeling short on smiles does your frown need to be turned upside down we got the perfect dose of comedy 30 minutes of scrubs zach braff donald face on sarah chalk and the rest of the gang at sacred heart are back for a brand new season we play medical doctors who are besties just like in real life and we'll definitely be up in each other's cases scrubs wednesdays on abc and stream the next day on hulu side effects may include laughing cheering and lots of pie for you ♪ I'm no Superman ♪