Ep 636 - Mr. Chili's (feat. Sam Tallent)

- Wow, wow, wow, Wes. - Thankfully, I found the idiot brothers this morning. - Dude, those guys are nice. - They were. - Who, why would they agree to do that interview? - They love, it's like, I think it's cool. - It'll be six, 60 minutes. - Yeah, I didn't, like, I mean, this is kind of, I guess I don't know much about it, but I didn't know, like, lobbying was like, there was the individual people pulling their strings. I just saw it, I just imagined some like giant machine that was just like, boom, yeah, I don't know. - No, like, lobbyists are very good at face-to-face, like they're the ultimate, like, trickster swindlers. - So they're like, they're the best guy at the bar. They're the best used car salesman that ever existed. - Oh, describe lobbyists? - Swindlers. - Trickster swindlers. - Yeah, yeah. - Mm-hmm. - You said it, brother. (laughing) - I'm not in the industry as deep. I don't know all the terms. Is that anti-semitic somehow? - Why am I in the industry? - Yeah. - We got to win globalists. - Well, okay, all right. - We got to win a full joke. - Yeah, yeah. - For real though, I would hide. - I read the articles as I am. (laughing) - I'm sorry. (laughing) - I was watching it just kind of like, I didn't know anything about lobbyists and I was like, (laughing) - All of them are Jewish. Like, all of them are very Jewish. You would think, shame on the network. It's like, dude, do a little, just do a little. - It's gonna come a lot of guys. - Yeah, a boy. - That has to be a bunch of guys. - Give me a Native American woman. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Shame on 60 minutes was getting people fired up. - Yeah, they were. - It's pretty nuts. And I will say, again, it's like, I haven't seen it. I didn't know there were still guys, like the older guys, maybe, but there's a young guy being like, "Hmm, yeah, that's of course." I haven't seen such a refined gentleman in so long. - Yeah, he was pretty cool. - Very refined, cool gentleman. - I liked him. - Was he rubbing his chin? - Not even. He was just very-- - I was just holding frame and kind of dominating. - Dude, 60 minutes old woman. - He was. - And his countenance was crazy. I've been trying to work on my countenance. He had it, you could tell. It's been like, worked in him for a long time. - What does that mean when you're working on your countenance? Like, you're trying to make your face hard? - Yeah, very, okay. So if she said something that he disagreed with, he'd be like, and he would like make this like very cool face out. You'd instantly be like, "Yeah, dude, you're right." - He's right. - Yeah, people back in the day, countenance was a thing. - Oh, yeah, I got it. - Or swag, it was all countenance. You'd be like. - Wrestling bitch face was encouraged in men for like 200 years. We're just glower and like, look at your mule. (laughing) - I think what I liked about them was I was kind of, we was kind of staring at our own reflection. - Yeah. (laughing) - There was a man, there's a young man. It was such countenance and passion. And then there's just a hungover, a clearly drunk guy in a suit. That's like, "Yeah, I don't like the fuck you want." (laughing) - Well, it's even trying to hide. - No. - We're just leaning forward, like bloodshot us, leaning forward. - Ridiculous. - Yeah, whatever. We don't know. - That was pretty awesome. - Fucking Biden sucks. (laughing) - I couldn't agree more. - Yeah. - I don't watch 60 minutes. I missed out on this. - These two are really, they're a great couple. - Yeah. - I just, well, I've been watching suits. I'm gonna remind of me of the classic pair. - It's a good pair. - Yeah, you know what I'm talking about? Give us these suits. - No. - It's all about high-power lawyers and it's all, it's pretty good. It's like an old cheesy show, but. - No joke, when you said classic pair, I thought, "Anon Nicole Smith." Classic pair boobs. That's where my head went when I heard that. - Oh, you're taking me, that's my prior primordial fat material. - Yeah. Classic pair. - Anon Nicole Smith. - Oh, yeah. - Well, man. - She was like, "Very beautiful, but I'll see her like, "I think I can land her." Like if she was at a buffalo wild wings and so was I at midnight. - She was fucking a 95-year-old man. - Yeah, but for the Chichula. - Yeah. - She just liked them. - She's like old, wrinkled balls. - Yeah. - Well, that's what you're gonna have. - That's what you're gonna have. - I'll be a huckleberry. - Hold my claws to me a bit. - Yeah, I thought that she got, I liked that she did that. And I liked to, pleasureing myself to her as a boy. - Ooh. - Yeah. I always hear about the Anon Nicole Smith type with that old man. But like just now, as you said that, I, whatever reason to imagine it's like it's such an old, decrepit man, ejaculating. I've never, it just, I was like, oh man. - You know, it's not dutching. It's like when you cut the corner off a bag of milk, and it kinda spurts a little. - An naked, 95-year-old man. - Exactly. - It looks like an alien. - Yeah. - It's like a skeleton coming off top she took. - His nurse probably has to place him on top of her and like help thrust. - Yeah, big Jamaican lady just, come on now. - Come on, you got these. - Looks like like a Halloween decoration. (all laughing) - It's like the fall asleep, it must be, you must be as you're coming, you're falling asleep too. So you probably like lose consciousness as you, I would imagine. - I bet it wakes him up. I bet the coming like brings him back to life. - Really? - Yeah, probably. - I completely agree with that. - Straight to nap, I think he's going, - I think he's out for three or four days. - I'm like rocking a baby. - I think a, - Yeah. - 95-year-old man getting an Anon Nicole Smith suck. That's putting him down for a week. - Yeah, he's done. - He's in the crib for five days. - He's probably kept him alive probably. - Reverse vampirism. - He's like probably. - He's like, he probably. As soon as he probably starts, he's like, (imitates a grunt) and then it's just like, yeah, it's like a, - Yeah, I can't wait to have sex with you tonight. This is gonna be huge, okay? I'll see you in the, (laughing) - Patient woman picks him up, get some heart. - She got paid out of that, didn't she? - Oh yeah, yeah. - She got paid big time. - She passed away. - She died, I remember overdosed. It was like the, I think it was the, over-the-counter speed pills that she was selling. It was called like, "Is that a drain or whatever?" - Oh yeah. - Remember those? It was like, "Hydroxy cut." And I remember after she died, my trim spa, yeah, the connoisseur, Lamar. My band was on the road and after she died, they couldn't get rid of trim spa. Like, it was automatically like, "Oh, this killed Anon Nicole Smith." So at Walgreens, they had like 10 bottles of trim spa for like $10, and me and my buddy just ate trim spa and played our punk rock songs, like even faster and faster. Those things fucked you up, like the stackers and a, well, no, they're called the yellow jackets. - Oh yeah, they just trucked off speed. - Yeah, my friend needs to crush them up and snort them. - White crosses? - Yeah. - It was just like, "Yeah, it was just like Jesus, man." - Mm-hmm. - That was always a sissy. - Me too, dude. - I would never do that. I've never taken a gas station drug. - Dude, I'm with you on that. I was, I was terror, I'd watch him. I'd go down to get to get some B, but whatever the fuck they were called. And he was, "Manchum and snort them." I'm like, "Bro, we're going bowling." - What the fuck you do? - I think laser tech. - Yeah, it sounds. - I know. He did kick my ass, so what the fuck? - He's probably launched that fuck. (laughing) - I got an 85 miles mark on him. - Holds in the lane. I did a lot of gas station drugs. - Did you, for sure? - Yeah. - I'm terrified of him, yeah. - I mean, back then, we didn't know. It was like, that's where you got your Salvia, so of course you get some of the weird pills. - That was a plug. - Yeah. - The Salvia out of a bomb, maybe the worst thing ever done. - I'll tell you what. It's a nice Sunday watching some football over at Chili's. - Did you really? - It was a really nice experience. - Back to the HQ. - Back to the HQ. It's had a nice photo to the group text about Chili's. Sean Gardini said, "I'm glad you guys discovered Chili's. I love it there." - Mm. - Pouting. - Oh, he claimed Chili's father. - He claimed Chili's father. (laughing) - I mean, what a crazy move. - You mean, I haven't heard him say Chili's once. (laughing) All of a sudden, I go, I like Chili's. He goes, "Yeah, I put you on to that crazy move." The only time he says, "Chilly's when he's cold and he's jacket." - Yeah. - I think there was a big misunderstanding. (laughing) - I just love Chili's. That's all I was talking about. - You love Chili's? - How much I love Chili. I've spent all of my birthdays in Chili's. - Ugh. - 'Til I was like 18 years old. - What happened to hooters? - Hooters was Mother's Day. - Mother's Day was Hooters. - What? - Yeah, was he a grandma? - My grandma loves hooters, so we would go there every Mother's Day. - It's awesome. - And I love Chili's. So we would go there for my birthday every year, and my parents would let me bring my friends. - Was your grandma there like a lesbian lady? - Well, I used to, yeah, I don't know. She said she just likes the wings, but she might like the size of the breast. - It's only my dad's, it's only my dad's. - It's only my dad's, it's only my dad's, every man's ever said. - Yeah. - That's probably someone from the late hubby. - She's probably like, "These wings are really good." - That's what I thought too. Yeah, my grandpa would hang out there a lot, and then he would go, "Oh, the wings are fantastic." And then she kind of just bought that. - Did he pass away? - Did he pass away? - He has passed away. Yeah, she's still with her. She's 88 years old. - Yeah, that's a nice remembrance. - Yeah, she-- - Being like, "We used to go to hooters together." - Yeah, I have photos with my grandpa at hooters and with the girls and stuff when I was like a child. - I used to go to hooters to watch WWF pay-per-views. - Oh, that's nice. - It was awesome. - Yeah, I remember every time, this is probably the whole business model. I remember going to high school and being like, there's a chance. There's a chance she smiled at me. I think I could-- - You're getting used to strip clothes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You're gonna strip clothes. - Oh, she loves me. She sat at the table for 10 seconds. - Teachers, you had to be horny in front of your friends. - Yeah. - You play it cool. - Not for me to take the table. - Everybody stares into their coca-colds. - Yeah, we're up at the ceiling. - Yeah. - See you guys. - I went to high school at Chatfield. That's great. - Finally you go. - Can you just get out of here? We're trying to watch the undertook. - I'm sorry. Come back. - I shouldn't have done that. - I just get jealous of the guys who come out of the kitchen with like a bandana on, that's probably their boyfriend, fuck you. - Oh, yeah. - Definitely their boyfriend. - I know. - Fucking line cooks. - Yeah. - You fuck some and sell some Xanax. - Yeah. - The best job in the world. - God, the guys so fucking cool. - Yeah, those guys are cool. - I like you to use one of your friends to try to eat the hottest wings to impress them. - They have diarrhea. - They were tough. - Ugh. - God, I used to get sick off of hot sauce constantly. - I still do. - But stealing chili's value, really. - I wasn't trying to steal valor. I do love chilies. - Glad you guys discovered it. Interesting time. - I knew that was good to kind of tick you off, yeah. - It was really fun. And I had a good time. - I won. - And you were actually-- - I won, by the end of the day it was going guys. Can we just drop in? - No, I-- - So you received a text in chili? - No, I received a text the next day. I was in bed. It was a great start to the day. I said, "Oh, here we go. Here we go." - Yeah. - You didn't need coffee. - Got a fight. There were two fights simultaneously going on in the group text. There were two of them. other guys were fighting. It was good. I just love Chili's man. That's all I wanted to say was last time you went forever. A couple maybe a couple months ago now, but I ordered it on my phone a lot. I was saying that in the group text, I order Uber Eats Chili's in part of the garbage in the outside trash can. So nobody knows that I ordered Uber Eats Chili. You eat the chilies in your garage in my living room while smoking. No, I smoke after I eat the chilies, but yeah, you're ordering Chili's to your house and then lying about how much you love chilies. Well, now I just realized that I said it on the podcast so I can't lie about it anymore. Yeah. Yeah, once I liked it, then he's Mr. Chili's. Yeah, he gave me the coolest thing. Oh, guys, you get this is a great time. He goes, I actually, I've always been that. No, that's not true. That's me. That's my thing that you are doing. I didn't mean to do that. I'm sorry that you took it that way. You certainly intended that. I didn't think I didn't think it was good. So there's a big text like that rage. Yeah, how many hours did that last after that initial five hours at least five, five, six hour thing. I'd forget about it. Then I'd go right back. Oh, yeah. Fuck you, Sean. And were there sides? There was just pretty much a bloodbath. Oh, it was just me and Sean going back and forth. I have your private conversation. I've been in private. Yeah. It was fun. It was fun. But, um, yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I accept your apology. I'm glad you apologize. So, can we crown a Mr. Can we crown a Mr. Chili's? It's been crowned. I don't think it's a competition. My pictures on the wall of choice. Well, that was that's my argument. I don't go there. Look at the merch. Look at the book. I got my I drip my boys out. I put the mayor's wearing a chili shirt right now. If I go to Chili's, everybody eats. My dad's getting a chili shirt. He's not ordering it alone. And yeah, I'm not ashamed of my thing is like, I go to Chili's for the love of it. You're going to get your picture on the wall. Wow. Wow. I've been going to say you got to eat a little Chili's just to feel normal. Yeah, it reminds me of my child. No, I and I appreciate Shane doing a lot for the Chili's brands. Yeah, I hope he could start to franchise them and then maybe I could get a little. I swear to God, I went in and I said, have you guys ever seen this man? I held up. I said, we've never seen he's never set foot in the chili. Is that young Orville retinbocker? Yeah, never. I'm going to call the I'm going to call the owner. See if I can get like your debit card signature like the Charlie Kirk murder receipt. It's just the only thing I could like it. Yeah. No, I'd love to get it now. There's like actually I've examined the EBT signature. It is not Sean Gardini. I'll tell you what it was also. Chili's does not take EBT. I looked into that as well. Whatever it's called. Just just an ounce of proof that he's ever even been to a Chili's. We've been Chili's together. Multiple times snakes. Take the shirt off. Take the Chili's take my chili shirt off. Pop it off. And my shorts. And give his phone back. Take off my clothes. You turn on me. You turn on me. Sean take off my shirt. Take all three of you are wearing my clothes, I'll dare you. Sean's punishment is you all have to be naked. Sean claim Chili's now you're all stripping. Well, I cannot have all these. Everybody eat. Everyone gets dressed. You're like all of their mezzles. You're the peak of it. And they still lash out. No, I love Chili's more than you. No, I love Chili's more than me. And I would love to go to Chili's. They're going to cut your fucking little walk. They do. Sleepy. They'll never get me. I hope we can go to Chili's one day and we will never go to Chili's. Oh, wow. You and I will never be in a Chili's together. Ever. The peasant's are going to rise up, man. I will literally get you. I'll say this guy has been threatening me and threatening the Chili's. I'll get your bag. I'll get your picture on the wall from going to say do not serve this guy. Faith, please don't do that. Oh, I really do love Chili's shows up on his birthday. Like get the fuck out. You know, you creep. She the gun in the air. You got 10 seconds. Yeah. This episode is presented by Price Picks. Football season is rolling and Price Picks is the best way to get locked in every game day. You can make all the picks you want across any sport on the same app. And now Price Picks is available nationwide. So who are you riding with this season, Matt? Who are you thinking about? I'm going to go my birds for sure. Matt, with football season underway, who's your pick for offensive rookie of the year? Offensive rookie. That is a, that's a tricky one. Who are you thinking, shut up over there? Who am I thinking for rookie? And I know the Eagles got a guy. Big dude, oh, Jeremiah love for sure. I want to see what Jeremiah loves up to. That's my offensive rookie of the year. Thank you. Stack September is still going strong. Sign up now and get a new promo every day, including guarantee picks every Monday, along with profit boost and daily discounts all month long. You want to do it again? You think you can rip it again? Yeah, ready. Dallow the up today and use code drench to get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, that's code drench to get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, price picks in your game. Wow. Thank you. You're a great reader. But yeah, it was nice to see the bros rolling into chillies. Yeah. The guy the guy that rolled in on the scooter was tight. Was it Lamar? No, I mean, he did resemble. He had Lamar. He was, he was like a golf kind of psycho looking dude. He looked like he was a beast. He was a beast, but he did have like you, you were watching him the whole time. His vie was a future goth. He wrote, we watched him. We watched him hit a scooter. He had robot legs. He had a murdered off scooter all night. Yes. Sick ass helmet. Just watch blade. He was high born. Yeah. Yeah. Like a statue. He had a statue of fingerless gloves. Well, they're bracelets, probably. Did he walk the scooter like a gentleman inside folded it, put it inside the chillies. They've all ate it for him. Was he an employee or is this a steam? Yeah. He's an esteemed guest. There were several esteemed guests that did continuously hit that corner of the chillies after he left a new esteemed. Yeah. It was just grab a man. You post up in the corner and just stand. He's just vamping. That's vamping. Vamping. Vamp those. Yeah. That's Vamp life took as he took his like all black helmet off, wafed his hair, but he just was like a little psycho. He was great. I thought it was a mobility scooter. You're talking about. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That makes more sense. That's where vampires. No. Yeah. That he hold it like under his arm. Is he 18? That was a big ass scooter. I'm at the helmet. Did he like brandish the helmet? Where the helmet went? Okay. I went back to hell. Yeah. I sent him to the portal back to him in the baths. And a GTA to help me like. Yeah. There's going to pocket. I don't know what happened I've been to a chillies in a while. Well, my wife's got to go man. It's 30 second birthday. I mean, I've done my time. You're going to love it. Yeah. I'm glad you're just discovering it now. I'm going to ask for the I'm going to ask for the shade and special. Thank you. 900 ounce bud light. Yes. Yeah. It's a fire hydrant. You're a smaller big one. Come on, man. Come on, man. What do you think I'm here for? Come on. I don't want to remember leaving. Maybe give me the big one. Yeah. Me and Nate were flying somewhere and I was in desperate need of some food and Nate goes, dude, chillies. He's not that bad. Oh, hair, chillies. Really? Oh, hair, dude. Was that actually the one? Oh, hair is chillies. It's either there or Dallas. One of the other however, I'll say Oh, hair. I want to frontera Rick Bayless frontera. Oh, yeah. That might be the best Oh, hair restaurant. They make it tortilla soup. Oh, God. I love tortilla soup. Two soups really. They drop the cheese in and melt and it goes all to the bottoms. Yeah. You're soup and you just pull out a glob of melda. And they had that. And I have to be in front. Oh, you know, you know, I've got you found out about it. Because I go every year for my birthday. I fly to hell. And I go there. I've never mentioned it once. I go there every year. But it's your whole thing. It's my entire thing. So I'm glad you and you found it. Actually, you've reached it all the time. I'm ready to think it fly it in private. And the tortilla soup is my favorite. So I'm glad you got to try it. Yeah. Matt's on the wall in chilies. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Made it. He ate the most t-shirts. He seeded it. When he when he found out we made the wall of chilies, he was like, Oh, not true. Is this funny? The one time you show enthusiasm for anything you get blasted for it. And one time you're like, I like that. Everyone's like, fuck you. Fuck all up for five hours. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I had a, I've been, it's frog season right now. Big time. A lot of toads can tell me every night every night outside my house. There were more. It's starting to dwindle off. But I let my dog out. And she goes and hunts down toads. So I've been catching toads bringing them in. And I'll show my kids them in the morning. They keep fucking escaping my cage. Oh, it's pissing me off. What? I discovered catching toads. Really? Yeah, we always catch to it's like my favorite thing on my birthday. On my birthday. I catch to probably pee in your hand every fucking time. Because they I think that you're gonna crush him, yeah, it's like a death relief. -Yeah. -Yeah, it's gross, dude. Yeah, anytime you pick up a fucking frog, you're just like, "Oh, why did I do that?" -And they pee. Right, yeah, it's-- -What did I think I was gonna get out of it? [ Laughter ] -They picked up a toe and then passed out on the hot tub. [ Laughter ] -What happened? -What? [ Laughter ] -Oh, we were born here. -Yeah, those were when we were like playing pool basketball for the six days straight. -And it was like a bunch of frogs I caught when I -- I -- once I never would do, I had to -- -Yeah. -That I don't really -- He was obliterate. -I got him a nice video of a very, very drunk maybe. -Yeah. [ Laughter ] -I remember peeing and thinking it like -- I was like, "I think the frog nut it." That's right. I just -- It was a good night. -Moments later, he was asleep on the concrete. [ Laughter ] -That was a picture of him. -It stunned you with its venom. -Yeah, the towed guy. -That was the last time I got drunk. It was here. And then, as he passed out, I just went out there and did turn around fadeways in the pool for like an hour and a half. And I came back at one point and I was like 20 in a row. And no one gave a shit. [ Laughter ] -Like, "Come on." 20 in a row. -Yeah, man, fuck. I don't really enjoy touching animals. I like dogs. I'll touch a dog. I love a dog. But, man, like a bird. Someone has a bird in their house. And they want it. Like, "Hey, hold the bird." It's like, "Get the fuck away from him." -Yeah. I'm telling you, if you're out there with your dog, your dog's shit. It's dark, so you can't even see anything. -Yeah, that's exciting. -It's your dog's heart. I'll keep my kids up and we'll go tood hunting and nighttime. It's the -- when we catch them, they're like, "Ah, ah." And in the morning, they come down. Like, if you wanted to see it in the cage, and I'm like, "Fuckin' got away." The fuckers go, "How are they getting out?" -So, I don't have -- I have an aquarium tank, but I don't have the mesh lid yet. It's coming in a couple days. -Is it in the garage, or what? -No, it's in my backyard. -Okay. -I get in the backyard and I put dirt and you got to add a lot of humidity. So, I put a bunch of water in there. And I was thinking they were like burying under the dirt, which, apparently, they will do. Dude, I have, like, this old garden fence that's, like, a grid. So, these slats are, like, that big a toe could escape, but I have three panels, so I lay them criss-cross, so it's, like, a tiny little hole. I'm like, dude, he's got to jump, grip, and do, like, a pull-up. There's no way both have gotten out. -I mean, you're building them a prison. They're going to be able to do pull-ups by the end. -Yeah, they're changing all night. -Yeah, convert. -But I got the magnetic strip kind of mesh thing coming this weekend. We're going to keep that toe in there. -You're growing battle-toads now. -I know. -Yeah. -You're getting them jacked. The last one I caught was a real -- He was a real fucking firebrand. -Like a bigger than your hand or smaller? -About to start literally hand size. Just a palm, palm and hand. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -There was, like, the beginning of the season, there was, like, three or four at night. And I got kind of, like, cocky now. I got a really -- -It's really hoping this aquarium was inside your house. -Now, you're continuously just releasing toes in your house. -Well, he -- -I hear them now, like, leap at night. -Yeah. -Dude, they're loud as shit. -I hear them in my garden now. You hear that, like, chirping, and I'm, like, "They're fucking out of here." -You got to get them. -I got to find them, man. -Todes, I got a lot of these. -Todes and gas station math and fucking -- -Just push toads out in your garden and out. -Go to toad, Rambo. -Go insane. -Come on, cover it into the pond. That's what they're trying to get to. But, yeah, I'll get one this weekend. I'll keep you up to date. -Yeah. -But I'm going to try to fix -- -I'll get you two pics. -I'll get you two pics. -I got some pics and Matilda chasing them. I got some videos. -Yeah, that's good. -It's dude, she's just walking all of a sudden. She turns and I'm like, "Get 'em, Tilney!" -Yeah. -She's fucking -- -She hasn't bit one yet. -You raised her right. -I did. -She's just nosing the toe. -She's not even -- -I've been training her with the shoes. I trained her properly. -Oh, yeah. -She bit someone else's shoe. -She attacks someone's shoes recently. -I don't know. -My cousin had wheelies on. My little cousin just skated around on wheelies. Matilda was like, "What the fuck are those?" -It was a child cousin. -She ain't as big. Yeah, the real tiny child cousin. She ain't had these military boots when we were living together in Philly. And he would -- Matilda was like a puppy and he would go, "Ah!" And she would like spaz. If she sees work boots now, she tries to bite them. -Yeah. -To this day, someone comes in my house to fix anything. I have to lock her away because she'll bite their shoes. -Do you remember how much you -- -Oh, you're a good day. -Dude. -I remember how easy it was to have fun when you were fucking poor. -Yeah. -He was on a couch that isn't yours. -Fucking. -With some, like, second, like, third hand shoes. It was a folding chair in front of a TV. -Yeah. -Your dog hates shoes. -That's crazy. -You're wiping with Chipotle napkins? -Yeah. It was the best time. -Yeah, it was awesome. It was funny, too, 'cause, like, I just just put that dog in my room and go to stand up. I'm like, "All right, be good." And she was from the -- always a good dog. She bit an HDMI to 64 HDMI cord. She chewed it up one time. I remember I gave -- I punished her. The last -- I would say the last dog I spanked. Pretty hard. And then I fucking -- dude, I just taped the cord up, put it back in the box, returned it to Best Buy. And I was like, "Did I hit my card?" And I was like, "Yeah." And they started pulling out the box. I was like, "Later." It was like fucking $200. I was like, "Yeah, I'm not -- I'm not taking a bath on this thing." I didn't install the HDMI cord. And the helium filled out of you. I put that in. -Oh, yeah. -Cause they only had one screen that would work. And I'm like, "You guys need one more cord. You can have your both screens working. They're like, "We'll see what they do." Like, "You know what? Fuck this is we at a show." And I was like, "I'm going to buy a cord and install it." -Was that digital graffiti? -It was. -God. -I would hear tales of that show. -It was like rumbles would, like, Meki Leeper came out one time and told me about the show in Philadelphia. -Oh, my God. -It was too powerful. I don't know if we could do it now. -I don't -- it would be -- especially filmed. -I don't know if we're evil enough to do it. -It's so evil. -Isn't it just like I'm on stage and then a bunch of people think he's gay and fat behind me. -It's not that he's gay, right? -And you don't know what they're saying. -Yeah. -So you're going like, "What art?" So then your insecurities start kicking up. -They're saying my biggest insecurity. -Yeah. -And you guys try to stand up. The audience does not give a fuck about what you're saying at all. They're just laughing at you in a bad way. -It's terrible. -It kind of, I mean, it sounds very freeing. -You're going to influence the ego death takes over. -It is the ego death. -You've ever been on stage and something happens in your chest and you're like, "Oh, I'm going to die." And then you're trying to do your dumb jokes. And then while you're up there, you just accept that you're going to die on stage at the Milwaukee Improv. -I feel like I've done this so many times. -So many times. -I'm ready to hit the eject button where I'm like, "It wouldn't be that weird if I was like, "Hey, guys, I'm going to have to take like 10 minutes to go sit down backstage. I'll be right back." -No, no, I say, "Let me go down up here." That'd be the best thing ever. -That's the thing. -I usually all go, "You know what, I'm just going to ride this wicked energy." And then you kind of just do it, and then you go, "All right, I'm good now." -You died doing what he loves. -Getting clips. -Yeah. -Should I work? -Should I work? -Remember, you're close. -Gah! -What do you dumb bitch? -Are you promoting it now? -Yeah. -And he fill up he knows in the room. -Yeah, I had an extremely sharp pain in my chest once. And I was like, "It was the worst one ever. I was like, "This has to be all right." -Yeah. -And I was just getting into my clothes. So I was like, "Just fucking do it. Just get through it." -Yeah. -I got off stage, and I was very embarrassed to tell everyone I think I might have just had. -I think I had a heart attack. -Yeah. -I don't people do have like, don't people have tiny attacks in there? -Yeah. -I feel like it does happen. -I could have sworn I had one in my tournaments. Like, I for sure thought I was having a heart attack. -I think I had one like two days ago. -Yeah. -I'm constantly thinking I had heart attacks, and I'm not telling anyone. And I'm alone in a hotel room somewhere. -Yeah. -I guess they're going to find me in here. -Yeah. -God, Brookfield, Wisconsin. Try to get like cool pose. -You're not nude. -Yeah. -If I think I'm dying, I put underwear on. -Do you be and discover dead and the thinking's man pose? -Yeah. -I see he's just. -It's like the Suvius, but you're like. -Yeah. -Unfortunately, it's all going to be the Pompeii guy. It's all going to be a whole new dick. -For sure. -Well, crying. -Wasn't that guy holding his dick from the love it? -Yeah. -And it's in a, like a museum case now. -I see it. -Yeah. He's on his side, clearly jerking up. -I mean, having love, a burn through your hand, and finally get to your dick, I'd be so pissed. -I mean, that's me dying on stage. That's me being like, "I'm going to do what I like." This is how I was built to die. -Yeah, it's that heart attack. And I also have, like, I've seen enough of those YouTube's of people being like, "Um, um, um, um." -Yes, thanks. -And just completely glitch out. I'm like, "I'm definitely going to do that one time." -I don't know. I think that after you do it long enough, you're like. Your body knows. I feel like I would, like, my body would be like, "All right, thank you, by a t-shirt." And then as soon as I'm off stage, that's when my fucking stroke happens, you know? -Yeah. -It's such a showman. -So dedicated to the crap. -That would be nice. -Is there a better way, though? Like, like, you're on stage, you're killing. Like, the last thought you have is like. -It all depends on if you're killing. -Yeah. -Yeah, exactly. -Yeah, like, all right, if you're not a waste. -If it was just an average. -Yeah. -I'd rather be bombing and die. -Go down fighting. -Yeah, exactly. -I'm going to get out of this. -Yeah. -Trying new. You tried the one new one and just kills you. -Of course. -Yeah. -Oh, that's actually not what I was trying to say. -40 minutes in. -You blow it. -You can't close. Pull out your own gun. -It'd be cool if they armed us on stage. -Yeah. -You should. -Is your arm awesome, teachers. -Yeah. -The real heroes. -The front line warriors. -Yeah. -Teachers for sure. You've got to give teachers guns. -When you did, when you did Eagles? -Why not? Just because. I don't even care. -It'd be cool if a teacher had a gun. I'd be nice. I'd give them a little more. -Like an AK strapped to their chest. -Yeah. -Like not a little pocket piece. -Yeah, I'd be nice. -I saw it off shotgun. -Just a strapped like a assault rifle strapped on their shoulder. -What's the capital of Liberia? -Do you imagine that, though? -Montrovia. -It'd be fun to get fun teacher pranked. But you don't have your homework? -Yeah. -Come on. Let's do it better. -Just like one throwing star over the kid's head. -Yeah. -Corporal, I would like a, what is it called? Corporal punishment. -Uh-huh. -They should a little bit meany a little bit of that, I think. -I think tuning up the kid's a bit would be helpful. -Just not like super hard, but like a systemized, just one of these. -One of these. -I'm the ear. -Yeah. - Boxing ears would be nice. - Oh. - You could pop one, man. Pop a kid's ear drum and they can't listen to you at all. - Fuck it. - Yeah. - You should have fucking paid attention. - I got, I got to go to a ways to well after this. - Ooh. - Something about that. It's weighing heavy on me. - What is it? - I'm gonna get, I made a mistake. 'Cause I'm taking fill in. - Nice. - Those gotta fucked up knee. - Yeah. - They're like, we can - Oh, is this that stem cell thing they're always trying to get you to do? At the mothership? There's a guy there every time I'm there and he's like, come on in, man, we'll fucking inject you with blood, you'll be all right. I'm like, what, who are you? - I don't know, they cure Darren Rodgers. - No, no, I think it's an actual medical thing. - I think they get fill guilt. - I think they can get it. - Oh, yeah. - I mean, tell you to get my hand with this. - I don't want Phil to get another knee surgery or something. - Yeah. - So I was like, yeah. We'll come down to Texas, so I have a state football, while we're down here and see what happens. - Get some embryo in there. - But then I made a mistake of being like, well, well, if I'm going in, I'll fucking, yeah. I'll get something there. There's anything wrong, I was like, my knees crackle, they're like, great, we'll do that. And now they're like-- - They needle, dude. - Yeah, but then they're like, it's going to hurt. - Yeah. - And as soon as they said that, I was like, oh no. - Well, I don't need this. (laughing) Also, like Google knee crackling, it's fine. - Yeah, I would think so. - It is. - Dude, Spud, he was going to get the, like, stammies or something like that and they're like, oh no, you just need, there's another thing they do if you don't need the stem cells. They just get a thick, aged needle and just fucking puncture your tissue. That kind of relaxes it somehow. So they were just like stabbing him with like a fucking heart. - Well, if they're doing that, I'm saying no. - Yeah, dude, I-- - You can also just get an IV drip, which I'm going to do that. - Yeah, can you do that? - Yeah. - It doesn't have to go to like this specific cell. - If I had like something actually wrong with my knee. - Yeah. - Which that was the mistake of saying, I was like-- - Bro, I don't know how you find it. - Because I knew you were wrong, I was like, my knees crackle. - They're going to look, they're going to fucking, dude. - I know, dude, just think of that as a needle into my knee today. That sucks. (laughing) - I wouldn't be able to podcast, if I knew I was due for a needle, I'm fried. I hate needles. - Big needles into your knee. - Ah. - Well, you're dead, there, so you can't cry. - Then I was like, well, if it hurts, I don't want to do it. It's like a three out of ten. - Who's three? A woman's three is like a man's seven. - Yeah, fuck. - You're getting a real, you're getting a needle. - Matt, I don't need any of your jokes. (laughing) - Yo, for real, that sucks. I'm sorry to hear you're getting a needle. I still, I'm like a 40-year-old. If I hear every needle, I'm kind of like, - Yeah, I've been thinking about it for a week. - Sucks. - When I get blood taken, I feel like jokingly asked the nurse to hold my hand, and then she'd be like, "Ah, I'm like, did you feel it?" Please hold my hand. - I'm definitely looking away. (laughing) - You have to relax. You have to relax. - I can't. - Last time I got my blood drawn, I was like, "How long have you been in phlebotomis?" And she was like, "Oh, six weeks." - Oh, oh. - Like the worst fucking answer I can hear. - Dude, I still have a fuck, someone scarred me down here. - Oh wow. - I have like a little track mark, dude. Like it hurts and like, bubbled up. But every time I touch it, I'm like, "Bitch, do you think I'm mean to?" - Yeah. - Do you just fucking mean? - You don't have to. - No, no. - They could clean your blood or something. That's why you're there. - I don't want them to clean my blood. I'm just gonna get a, - Dude, just spray it. - Just a nice thing. - Just spray it in there and be like, "All good guys, fucking knees." - Yeah, knees good. - Stop crackling, just get jumping in front of them. I'm fine. - They kept calling them being like, "So how bad is the pain in your knee?" I was like zero, I just said it makes crackles. - Dude, they want in on their knees. - What have you been doing for PT for your knee? I'm not rehabilitating my knees. Like what's the injury? Like there's no injury. I just panicked in a fucking questionnaire. - I wanted to fit in. We had to have a response. There was no fucking, it was like, "What do you need?" I was like, "Nees." - Uh-huh. - Like, "So what's going on with your knees?" I was like, "Nothing. Nothing at all." - Well, we're gonna fucking inject. - Yeah. - We're gonna jam you with a hard food. - You're gonna jump like 20 feet. - If these work and I have a jacked knees. (laughing) - You're gonna be bounding from place to place. - Dude, they're just like mechanics. They're gonna find something. They're gonna keep looking. - Fuck. - They're gonna test drive you. - I think I can cancel it. - Yeah. - You're gonna get your dad done. - I'm taking filmin'. He needs it. - He's got to drop him off and hang in the car. - He's been taking a shower for a while. - He has. - Hold up, but what if, what if they have Vlollipops? - Mystery, I'm gonna have to be a good guy. - Yeah. - I have to be good at it. - You have to be brave. And you can't fuck around in the waiting room and play with you. - I'll come with you. - I'll hold your hand. - They're gonna inject you with everything. - They're gonna hit me with darts when I want you. (laughing) - Put 'em down, put 'em down. - You're gonna pin me the wall. - Yeah. - We're gonna try to open like a butterfly. You're gonna stay there forever. - Yeah. - I'm gonna be in a box. - Sam, tell him just. - I've always wanted to do this. You should. - But. - These are figures, they'll be okay. - Now it's the day of, and I really don't wanna do it. - To have 'em put you under. - Yeah. (laughing) - Small needle before the big, or just show up wasted. Then they can't do it. - They'll do it. - They'll do it. - Oh yeah, maybe. - That's an alpha doctor, it's just an alpha doctor. - Right, yeah. - Like your wasted sick, it's actually good. - Bad, yeah, yeah, yeah. - Good luck to say that it's actually fucking rules. Being a little bit of alcohol does raise your testosterone slightly for a little bit. 'Cause if you have like a couple drinks, your testosterone technically does raise slightly. - Is that just 'cause it makes you like dumber? - I've seen it. (laughing) I've seen real testosterone slugs. (laughing) - You looking at me? (laughing) - I don't like anyone here. (laughing) - We gotta go, I gotta hit the streets. (laughing) - So I just flip it a coin. - Yeah. (laughing) - You're crushing your hair. (laughing) - Dude, now I really don't wanna do this. - Ah, yeah, you don't have to. - No, it has to be done. You can do it. - I know I can do it, it'll be all right. - It's gonna hurt a lot. - It need injection. - Is it a boy giving you a needle or a girl? - I think it's a boy. - Sucks. - Really? - I only want, yeah. - I don't want a boy for this. - I don't want a boy too. - It's such a fucking pussy. - Yeah, I don't know, a girl. I feel like I only ever have girl needlers. And it's like, I like, I like just, you know, something about it, like, she has to be nice, and she's mean, it crushes me. - Oh, she can't be like. - Bitch, you gave me this fucking track mark. - Yeah. - Fucking asshole. - Yeah, be present for this, lady. It's scary for me. I know I'm one of 12 for you today, but please, just focus. Stop looking at the clock. - Yeah, yeah. - Quit eating hot cheetos. - Yeah, I had to go for my life insurance. The lady had to take blood, and she brought a thick gauge needle. And I was, she did right to my home, right to my house. I haven't been able to relax in my house since. Thick boy. - You're getting like two of your home needlings, isn't it? - Yeah, they was life insurance. So like, we'll just come to you. We'll get you, we'll get all your shit. - You got life insurance? - Thanks a lot. - Me too. - Do you have it? - Yeah. - Nice, it's a nice slash kind of weird feeling though. It's like, dude, I always tell my wife, I'm like, the best thing I can do right now is die. - For the family. - Excuse me. - Yeah. - It's big needle. - It's fucking huge. - Let me see what you got. Let me see. - Oh my god. - Oh. - Oh. - Dang, that was like a video game, dude. - That's like the fucking, what? - That's like the pulp fix you needle. - Like putting a battery in your knee. - You'll be all right, man. - Yeah. - Yeah, that thing's crazy. - It's like what they shot up the road runner with. - Well, fuck, man. (laughing) As soon as they do it, it's go, "Ah!" - It's completely unnecessary. - For clicks? Yeah, you better, better stop clicking. - It's clickbait. - Totally fine. - I googled it again last night 'cause I was like, yeah, it must be terrible. It must be like cartilage or something. It's like, it's completely normal. - Yeah. Yeah, your knees, yeah, my knees, it's like a joint crack. - Yeah. - I think it's like, what is it? Like air in your joints or something? - Yeah. - Get some air in your knees, who cares? - You got those left tackle knees, man. - Do you think I can cancel it? - Yeah, yes. You can do whatever you want, what are you talking about? - My knees, my choice. - Yeah. - Your knees are choice. - Yeah. - So party. - I'll protest outside. - Yeah. - I'll make a sign right now. - Take care of it. - Yeah, where are they getting stem cells? - No, looking Catholic school, we're like against this. - No, they got 'em. They figured out how to get 'em from not babies. - Okay. - Yeah. - They're not from babies anymore, apparently. - Maybe anyone. - They get 'em from the sack, the embryonic sack. - Their stem cells in there? - They don't get them from blood? - I'm not sure. - I don't either. - But they're not babies anymore, I'm telling you. They don't get them from babies. I heard you can't get it without babies now. - It says early stage embryos, adult tissues, and prenatal materials like umbilical cord blood. - Yeah, so they get, they just like, you got the umbilical throw that thing to fuck out. So they're taking that and get some umbilical in your knees and billical is good stuff. - That's the best stuff. - That is the best stuff. All right, if you're telling me some umbilical. Shane, if you're going to get stem cells, you want to stray from the baby. You don't want them billical cord stem cells. - Really? - What do you think the babies get all the baby stuff from though? - But that's used, it's done, it's gone. - That's not used, it's ready. - Babies have been using that for nine months. - I'd really like to not do this. - You don't have to do that. - Your medical advisors are solid though. - How about this? How about this? - Your nurses are great. - Watch your dad, just watch your dad's appointment first. - They're at the same time, they're tagging you and it's around them. I'm going to keep it out of them. - He's really old, he gets scared. - Well, the problem is I'm going to go in and go, I actually really don't want to do this. If I'm going to go there, don't be a pussy, it really doesn't hurt. And he might as well do it. - Yeah. - I'm going to go, okay. - Yeah, no. - Exactly what's going to happen. I'm going to do it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I can't cancel things. - You could say that you can't do it because of insurance for set for tires for. Yeah, they're gonna go the year be fine. Yeah, they're gonna go that's not true. You just lied to me. I trick a doctor every day. Don't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone here. Maybe listen to your counsel. No, I would get it. If you're going to be there, counsel betrayed. This is crazy. This is here. These are your advisor. It's true. It's not true. They want his knees to buckle. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That way they can steal your crown. We're to Chili's Council. We used to be in that B dobs. You took the mic for that. I say we skipped the appointment. Go get a triple-dipper couple brusquies. That's what I say. How are you talking my language? Also minor flexing on the appetizers. I mean, I'm not trying to flex Southwestern egg rolls. I don't really grub there. Just straight from that for one thing. The bear. Here we go. Oh, yeah. This episode is brought to you by Blue Choo. The number one brand for better sex. Blue Choo just dropped something crazy. Blue Choo Gold. Oh, yeah. For years, Blue Choo has made it easy for over five million men to get hard. Oh, yeah. But now they make it easy to get horny too. Blue Choo Gold gets your brain and body on the same page. Rather than just helping blood flow, gold combines four ingredients into one powerful tablet. Two of those ingredients maximize blood flow. 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Oh, I think about that. The reader with the real deal or him. Hit her with a hammer or him or him. For sure. I'm wet. I'm wet for you, bro. Wait. Oh, Phil didn't hear that. Hey, I have a new book. It comes out. September 22nd. It's called brute. You can pre-order it. Get it wherever books are available. It's a violent thriller about a hitman in Paris. He's an ex-marine killing his way through Paris and hunting a mafia Don. So it's really good. Sent one to Shane. He read it in one day. So it was the best book he ever read. It was awesome. Yeah. So you should be like Shane. I thought running the leg was great. Thanks, man. Did I said you a hand-binded one? You sent me 10. Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember the quote you gave me for running the light? What was it? It's like, wow. Who could believe such a fat mutant could write such a good book? Such a dumb donkey. It was literally whatever. Yeah. I'm stoked, man. It's going to be awesome. I'm CF. United bonus. But yeah. And then I'll be at Cleveland, Holarities this weekend in Winnipeg rumors. So yeah, get your ticket. Sam talent.com. I'm always I get so jealous when I hear Holarities. Dude, I love it. You know, grass is greener, right? Show me the him. It's my podcast. Guys, September 25th next weekend. I'll, oh, the weekend after this one real oak Michigan. I'll be there. I'll be in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a big one. That one's a dragon. Come on. It was no walkie Charlotte, North Carolina, Jacksonville, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Fort Lauderdale, Tampa. All those are good. Orlando's good. Here's the one that's really keeping me up in night. Newark, New Jersey. Guys, this place is huge. I don't know why they put me there. No, it's gonna be good. It's a galactic Senate. You see? I'm hoping, but God darn. It's gonna be me. It's gonna be me and a couple guys dipping out. That's the way it looks right now. That's that would be actually really awesome. We just chill. Yeah, whatever. Who cares if shit about Newark? Guys, come up, you don't. Baltimore, Maryland, Columbus, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Diego, Sacramento. That's it for me. Yeah. I got nothing. Oh, yeah. Hello, everybody. It's me, the mayor. I'm going to be in Florida in October in Orlando on the 30 for Halloween and Jacksonville on the 29th. I'm trying to get a show in Gainesville on the 30th. And then, yeah, end of the month. Philly for Thanksgiving. That'll be sick. Yeah. All right. Nice. Thank you, guys. Yeah. I had a nice salty, dry chicken breast from there at the airport. I'll be honest. Well, it wasn't bad. I told Nate. I told Nate I said this is actually some bad fuel for the airport. It jillies and get a just a piece of chicken. Yeah, it's the best. That's what gets me most excited in the airport is a good chillies. Yeah. Got to lay over here. Chillies. Get the shabbyers. Sit down. It's also a burger. Great chips. It's also the best great chips and so great tenders. Hey, they're saying called attendees. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, definitely better than TGI for sure. TGI fell off. TGI's crazy. How does it exist? Hold on. That salad bar at Ruby Tuesday's undefeated. Yeah, I want to flip your hands at me. Sean, what the heck? I don't know what happened to Sean. Yeah. I don't know what's going on with this guy. I think something's going on. I think he's like happy. And this is what it looks like. I think he's comfortable. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I was. What were you in a good mood? What did it feel bad? Not about Portland, Seattle. I got to tell everyone in Portland, Seattle. Be nice to Sean. No, everyone was nice. It was he texted me. Please tell everyone. Yeah. Well, that was a joke. Oh, I'm like that. I really appreciate it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm happy. Yeah. Nice. Beautiful girlfriend. Great mustache. Big dick. You know, he's a big dick. Of course. He tells me every time I see him. Yeah. He brings it up. The girlfriend stuff's got to relax. What? I don't never talk about your squad while he's talking about my squad. I'm friends with your girlfriend. Oh, he's weird. This isn't weird at all. I'm very happy for you. I think you're both adorable. I have no one. Oh, okay. Here we go. God. A man wears linen pants and all the cut. I'm the enemy. She's cool. I like her. All right. I don't feel like there's any of your business. I appreciate it. I'm a satron. Yeah. I'm just kidding. I haven't said her name. That's respectful. So I mean, yeah, please don't. Please don't. You've been on too long. He's he's he's getting confidence. You haven't been smashing him over and over again. I only try to uplift these good. That's good. No, I know. They they drag me down into their muck. We go out to drink. They go, you know, who you should hate. They name a comedian. They go, you fucking asshole. But I mean, that's what you want the kids to know about that. You want them to be. That's not true. Gosh darn it for the record. Sam, what's been up with you? Man, just, you know, trying to navigate. I'm new to Hollywood. So I've like went to LA and did a week out there and nice. It was good. It was fruitful. New book coming out on the 22nd. That's like been dominating my whole summer. So it'd be nice for people to have it. But yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, it's good stuff. It's like, you know, I wrote, it's like gay hitman in Paris doing like killing a mafia Don. So it's like I'm very stoked for people to have to like reckon with the fact that it's a cool book. And then there's like, you know, dudes banging. It's awesome. Yeah. The more you could you want. I don't know. It's everything you want. Well, you know what it is. It's a female beetroot disguised as a man book. So I think women will get it in the morning and then guys will be like, whoa, there's a hatchet and eight guns. You have to write a female beetroot kind of did. That's the biggest man. Yeah. That's the YA. That's the only thing being read. Yeah. It's not a very fiction. Let me tell you. There's apparently there's a huge crisis men aren't reading. It's only women are reading. They're only reading smart. I know, but luckily Mr. Beast fixed that. So now men all read Joe. What's he? He's him and James Patterson wrote a novel together. I thought that was a joke. No, dude. And it was pretty much his like, if I did it, it was pretty much the book is like, if I didn't refer Mr. Beast had that like Beast game show, but it's kind of like what if Jigsaw ran Beast game? So it's just Mr. Beast's fantasy from what I can tell you. But written by someone named James Patterson. So yeah, they've teamed up. Yeah. They say they saved it all, man. These guys all read the book, you know, my cousin's all read the book. Yeah, one of them calls is still into Geismot, which was just Clancy, you know, Clancy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that should still do any paperback that's this big sells a hundred million copies. Yeah. But any book that has a hard cover, people don't buy it. Yeah, it sucks. It's bad. I love reading. You can't talk about reading video games. Never been better. It's tough. It's tough to be a reader. Sure. You got me under Dennis Johnson. I'm a big fan. He's the greatest. Yeah, he's the coolest. You read Angels? No. You read Jesus on. I read Jesus on tree of smoke and laughing monsters. Yeah, laughing monsters is okay. But man, those other two are fucking heaters. And then you like try and go promote your book on a podcast and people are like, you ever farted on a book? And you're like, uh, yeah, and have ever farted on a book? Yeah, for sure. I mean, fall asleep. Yeah, books in the bed. You've certainly far on book. Yeah. Well, also like you ever done the thing where you like fart on a hard chair. You go bare ask for a share. Yes, we use to fart on textbooks. Of course. Not the same school. You'd have like, fart on a foreign textbook. Yeah, it'd be hard to use noise. It's selling coffee books, fart into a book bag zip it up. Yeah. Yeah, fart on top of your friend's head and then put his hat back on. You take his hat off, fart on his head, put his hat on. Yeah. That's a good one. You can thought of this. Oh, man. I mean, not the only innovator, Shane. The fart grenades are still like thinking about those. They put it in the worst. Yep. Fart cup. And then someone's face death. Yeah. We're used to reach behind someone. It's covered their face. Uh-huh. Yeah. We bothered. Yeah. Not only were you farting into I mean, grab there. Dude, that should be like an expelable offense. It has to be. I think now if you were to fart cup somebody, sexual assault, sexual assault. You face like someone with a handful of flat lips. Yeah. Yeah. What about, uh, did you guys ever do that? Like choke out thing around like six, seven grand. Pass out. Yeah, that was huge. That was awesome. God. Hit my head. Learning how to pass out is such a sick thing. Don't want to do this all the time. Oh, yeah. Well, first it's getting dizzy and then it's passing out and it's real drugs. Yep. And then you just stop. Everyone does it for like a week and then it's like, it's gone. Yeah. I got choked out by this kid who was named Billy. He was like probably four foot three at the time. And he was like, let me show you something. And I was like a whole king man, you know, while I was six grade. It was more than the obese. But he like choked me out in the middle of class. And I came to and I was going, whoa, whoa. And like every one of my peers was standing over my limp body as I came to. It was the worst. Did you take like 30 deep breaths really quick to help you pass out faster? Uh, no. I just was like, yeah, choke me and then I woke up. Like every girl I cared about at this stage. Yeah. We do it on the bus. You go like, like it's a bunch of times and they do it. You could also do the, and then like put your head between your knees and you could like force yourself to hang out, I think. Yeah. I don't know. I thought kids could make themselves have ever tried to blow yourself. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, not like ever. I never thought I was going to achieve it. It's never. I never got my hopes up. I got to like a crunch. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Got a long way to go. So I've got me real long. Don't you have to throw your legs over your head? No, no, I definitely, I was just curious. I don't think I would have done it. But I was like, could I? And I was like, yeah, not even close. If you can do it, you would have. I mean, yes, the mayor's making tutorial videos. Really? Yeah. Every time the mayor makes a video, I get a million people DMing me. What's going on? You got to shut this shit down. Tim on a jiu-jitsu mat trying to suck his own dick. Really? Yeah, it was itself. Really? Hiding a laugh and then going, keep going. How did you, what, what if you, uh, what do you show? How did you actually show how to do it? Just trying to practice the rolling it in technique. There's various techniques. Yeah, there's several techniques. That's more like that. Yeah. I came across one of your combatants on a flight. Yeah. I came across a guy that said he's been rassling with you. He said you're son of a gun. He even beat Lamar's ass. He goes, the mayor's a fucking tough ticket. When you said combatants, I meant like an ex-lover. That's what I thought. Someone went toe to toe with you. Perhaps a future lover. Are you wrestling on there? Uh, it's just a little bit. He's in rassling now. Oh yeah, bro. That's just sick. You got it. I think you'd be really good at it. Yeah, there was me. Nate? Yeah. They're training for a fight. That least fight with you. Yeah. Go throw hands with all the comics we don't like. It'll be nice. Hey, what's your, what's your boxing protocol right now? My protocol? Yeah, like what do you, what's the training session consists of? I'm just, I'm just learning the ones and twos, threes. I just learned the three. Nice. Hopefully I'm on the four next right hook. Get the right hook going. Is uppercut a big part of the game? It is, but not for me. I thought I could, I thought I had a little bit. I got nothing. Isn't that three? Huh? That's left hook. I'm assuming it's like six years. Yeah. uppercuts right trigger circle. What's fireball? That's what I want to learn. Damn, we're getting ready for the bar punch machine. He did, he did good at the other day. Yeah, it happened to look good, but I didn't hit it. Yeah. You lost it, but he lost to his girlfriend. Well, that's, that's an indictment on everybody. Yeah, she, she, no, you lost her and then she told you, I'll knock you out and you took it. She didn't know. I could knock you out. What was the score off of it? You're a lie. See? They turned, they turned, they turned, they don't never, they'll never be able to attack. They divide, they divide. This is the council of Gent. It would be easy. They go, Casey, why are you going first on me? That's going to fuck up. Why don't you go first? What was, what numbers were, was everybody putting up? Yeah. I had nine 30s. Oh, yeah. He just stole his phone. I'm not lying right now. I'm not lying. You're lying about lunchtime. I hate man. What did she get? He didn't go, he did get harder to me. He got like eight, oh, my bad. He got like eight 30. Was this a copper tax? This is a copper tax. He did not get nine. Nobody got nine. I had, I had like one bad one where I got like a five, but I didn't hurt my thumb. I threw a bad. I tried to throw off. You heard your thumb. What, what, what, what you throw in one or two? I was inside of his I tried to throw 40 and told me before. And before I could ruin my. But LaMaire did not hit a nine, anything. We got to go, we got to go. No. We'll see. I had a couple of on his ass. LaMaire, come on. I don't have to do that. Dude, I was at an arcade recently and a little boy asked me. He was, he was chasing tickets. He goes, can you punch the thing for me? So I can get the tickets. I said, you got a little boy. One of the, one of the proudest moments of life. I fucking socked that thing. Yeah. You know, so it was a little boy and his mother and I said, oh, mom was there too. Mom was there. I said, hey, little boy. You said your mother's lap. Life for a man. Keep it warm for me. Why don't you warm that fucking lap up? So I don't have a dad. Watch this. Here I go. I just socked the shit out of it. So you got a good boy there, man. Yeah. He raised him well. I had a similar thing as ski ball where my niece needed like 40 tickets. So I just stood by the side of the ski ball thing and just put my arm right in the 500s and just over and over again. Yeah. You can cheat so bad. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And every parent's like, like no one's tattling. Yeah. We all paid $100. Fox you over so bad. Like those power cards now. Do you put like 50 bucks on it? It's gone in like 30 minutes. It's like 13 credits somehow. It's so fast. Yeah. No. Yeah. I have no. If you're in the arcade gift shop, I say take something. There's one time. Hey, the team behind the counter. I'll give you whatever. I've asked on my cake because I was the one time because like if your kids don't get equal fucking tickets and like one gets one thing, like I can't get it. I should be fucking better at the claw game dumbass. But that you have to be like guys give you 10 bucks for that. So we get both get two stuffed animals. And there was a time before where like I was just like, go. You have it. I'm like, just get the fuck out of here. Fuck these guys. I don't feel like going we're not playing more games. I like yo, you're on your own. Go ahead. They can't try you. Go walk out here. I'll keep an eye on these guys. Yeah, that's great. Go start the car. You got to teach your kids earlier. I looked around and said, Hey, man, you go, you can leave if you want. I'm not in charge of this place. I don't give a fuck. I got out. Oh, Bernie was so mad. You can't leave you let her do that. I was like, bro, we spent like fucking 150 bucks in the defense of the arcade staff though. Every single parent's coming up and doing the same. Yeah. For sure. They got to control this. And that's they say, no, wasn't even mad at them. I said, no problem. Yeah. I think we live in that trick of bribing from the carnival midway. So you're used to bribing carnies like on the boardwalk. And then you go to like, you know, a corporate family fun center. And there's no way they're gonna be here's a fucking here's a Hamilton bro. Look the other way. Yeah. Here's a fucking crisp. Go buy a dime with this. You're a real tough customer. Here's a dub fucking. I need a peaceful ride home. I don't want to fucking screaming about a stuffed animal. You guys feels fun. Oh, it's got to be the death ring. My dad's phone is all a million every alerts have been. It's like an ambulance. I want to use open. Yeah, great. It's just one letter at a time. Also, he's I can't make fun of him because I'm on the same exact thing. But the ring cam loves talking on the ring cam. Oh, I farted into the ring cam while the man was outside. I sent him a fart from New York through a doorbell in Texas. Pretty good. Basically technology's bad. Yeah, that's it. You're a man who's got to clip supper Zuckerberg in like the whole goal is chicken next year. And that is that is male friend. I mean, sending a fart from New York is airmail Alexander Graham Bell would have just been like finally. Yes, they did it. Also, a white guy and a black guy. Yeah, New York, Texas. Haven't part of the country is together. That's true. Two 40 40-year-old pieces of shit farting. Next comes the actual tube so we can smell it like future. Oh, bank tube. We can't send smells. We're not ready to send smells. This smells that man will be requesting. And sending. Unrequested. That'd be on the other end of that. Not when I was hoping that was good. Yeah. Dude, if you could put this smell of like all day airport underwear, you know, like you'd be going all the way over. Now you're talking to Japanese are frothing for this technology. That's why they haven't invented it. Oh, yeah. There's got to be a way. You like detect the certain particles and yeah, it's what here's the approximation, mm-hmm. Hey dude AI's upon us We'll get we'll get some fun toss some air some parts Be in my ring cam You can have the where he has to sniff at the end of the house The box the bang tube it's like a bang tube the canister pops up you watch go go ahead That's Shane's now you can play your games although you're a noise monster though. I am a noise monster unfortunately You're more than you're more noise He doesn't it doesn't spell. Oh fart. It's so loud. It's like not even a drop in a similar situation Yeah, where my wife's you can't hear him, but they are the worst. Yeah, girls don't O'Connor Okay, Matt's got a bit of I can yeah, I can I can I can get some bite going It's usually guys focused on the diet that have yep in St. Shit of con man though. I don't know how he does it But cuz he is not focused on his diet. Yeah, they have some Bad ones he uncorks. Well, dude. If you have a problem with dairy, then you can clear out a room That's dairy farts are like the way if you're like lactose intolerant are the worst of the worst So that I shared a room with my buddy Nathan Like two weeks ago and I woke up before him and fuck it smells so bad in there Dude, and I knew it was him and I just had to like go sit in the lobby for like two hours until he woke up And I came back in and it's still fucking wreaked Oh like like old like you wake up and you're afraid like something bad's going on Like like you're in a barn and it's on fire Smelling a fart that you didn't even hear is like You just wake up caked. I've done it to my own car where you like fart in your car get out handle We're like grandma's car grandma's car will wreak oh con man put on a clinic last weekend Whatever we when we went to the Wisconsin Notre Dame game, but we were leaving after the game So we weren't staying there in Wisconsin. So I was like, let's just get one hotel room Just for guys to if you got dump if you got shower. That's nice. So there's a lot of room You're the lock six of us in there. Obviously, oh comment takes the liberty of taking the first dump Unannounced dump Just goes hits it. It smelled up the entire room. I Go in to take a piss 20 minutes after him. Oh, no, I come out. He's loosening his hips. He's stretching on the ground. Oh It's crazy. He's laying on the ground stretching. Oh, he's like intense. I was like was that you and he was like yeah What I was like we had to open the door of the hotel room Into the hallway. Oh, we had to release it in the hallway Stunk for it literally smelt in that bathroom. It's close to two hours. Oh Travel with candles and then there was a big debate between the fellas because he was like just turn the shower on Oh, no, and I was like that's gonna make it way worse. Yeah, cuz then it clings to the steam Then he would blanket of shit smell. That's what I said. I know every trick that one doesn't work. Matt matches kills it Yeah, matches are great. Yeah He was there was a slight debate over the shower thing. He got into his he uses pseudoscience instantly Yeah, he's like no the molecules of the air will grab it and drop it to the ground with the weight in the far It'll disappear in the fuck it's in your Sweet taste out of it later. It's like a mud mask of fart No, I don't think that works like that I've told him I was like I've taken plenty of steamers. Yeah turn those if it girls over you go I got I have to shower. Yeah This is part coming out. That's what O'sium does when you spray O'sium it like catches this every molecule out of the air and just fucking we tried it We tried it. I tried it in the marriage room. There's cans of O'sium laying around written. Yeah, there wasn't helping those It did kind of work but then the room just smell about the chemical probably the fat. Yeah, that's so nasty at this point That that room is Is this the room out there? Yeah, are you just gonna like burn it down when you have about you have to remove it It must be destroyed. Yeah We were in the pool the other day. He opened the door and the smell got into the pool You could smell the smoke from Dude all you gotta do step outside blaze You're fucking bunts in there He's hell a blast everything in there smoking meats. What are you smoking in the brisket? Smoking yeah, that's crazy dude. Yeah, but smoking inside is pretty sick, especially when it's not your place You know I mean like that that's really sweet. It's really really dominating somebody else. Yeah. Yeah, Phil got a little taste of the mayor this week It's been nice. We came back. We got dinner last night. We came back and he was like he just walked past me He was like you got to get money night football on lamar's got fucking wrestling on Welcome Welcome to the show How do you get along with old Phil? They get on great. It works out good partnership. Yeah, yeah He met your lady. We can edit it there if we have to he was he was like she's so nice. Yeah, and then of course the next question What's going on there Classic dad follow up. Yeah, we do an idea on thing. Yeah Every girl to like your uncle's is every time I do this fucking piece of shit. He's got the talent family curse It's insane. The shit they say Phil has a real knack of just being like are you guys? She hasn't left you yet Why do you ask that every time? So far he's 100% right though Phil We're doing back there Nice talking to my mom. Oh yeah, it's sweet. It's still communicating. That's nice. What I sent a picture of Phil yesterday to the group chat. She was like Phil you need to change. You've been weighing that out for three days He's been in the same outfit for three days The cat's away dude the second he's now with my mom. He is a fucking wreck He's all bombed at the chili And then yesterday laid on the couch Okay, I put on the sprannos. He's never so he watched season two of the sprannos just half asleep the entire time just I was like dude go to sleep. He's like watch this That's can't sleep in their beds during the day Everywhere else but that's that's what a lazy bones does So they have to get up out of bed and then walk 30 feet and then just be in the way all day Yeah, but we're like hey man. Why don't you go take a nap? They're like I haven't been around a mill a lot like that. I didn't realize he doesn't drink. It explains what we always have milk He doesn't drink water. Yeah. Oh, no. I gotta give him water. I gotta dude. You gotta drink this I don't like water. Yeah. What? I'm an uncle. What percentage two percent? Okay, that's some water reasonable my my one uncle My one uncle is ginger ale and ginger ale milk or beer waters It's like you it's like drinking piss to him. He's just like Yeah, it doesn't taste good. Gatorade if it's a hundred degrees. He'll drink gatorade That's it. I never saw my grandfather drink a glass of water. They don't drink it ever once He would make his own Pepsi in the fridge out of like like chocolate milk and like old He's trying to recreate the old Pepsi recipes. He's had a jug and he would like sip it while like mowing his alarm with his shirt off It's just brown Women struggle with water, too. So they all of those fucking junk. Oh, yeah, yeah, they got half the drink this You gotta stay on their ass here, but it dude. It's the same water for three days They don't even they just carry my house. They look cool women don't drink water. It's growing mold in there It's something a fucking turtle tank every time Every time I open my wife's thing, I'm like bro. What's the last time you change their toes jumping into it? The fucking toes have been go. I was open up on my Jesus fucking Christ. I'm trying to never smell the Stanley co that's It's so bad in my wife leaves him by the sand. Yeah, it stinks so bad. They girls have fucking pond water in those things. Yeah, don't drink it We gotta remember to wash them pond water all day. Yeah, I was a mean all the Yeah, fuck your baby pond water. Tell me full of swamp That's for real. That's why I don't feel good I have to watch it. The head works out dogs get Vax for if they drink a puddle or bow. Yeah, it's like they have like the puddle disease. Yeah, like a squirrel Don't they lay eggs like the bugs lay eggs in there and then the dogs drink them. Yeah, that's how they get like worms and shit Vax for puddle disease. The deer peas in a puddle and a dog drinks it. They It's like a truck from some bullshit. Yeah, yeah, I always argue the vet with that. I'm like my dog's gonna drink a fucking puddle Like what they do. I'm like your dogs are definitely Jackson. I actually he was eating he was eating a mud puddle actually But also, I'm like whatever happens to Jackson. Yeah, man. He's fucking blind. Yeah walking in every now and now is new thing It's like walking in a room and just go and just stand there like yeah, what are you doing? He's goes Jackson, what the fuck are you doing over there? Jackson's a legend. Oh, he's so funny Eating mud reminds me of a field trip and there was this kid You know, he was good kid, but maybe a little slower and we were at like out in the middle of nowhere In Colorado and my teacher was one of those cool teachers, you know, who's like knows the kid slow But like hey, we're gonna include him so this kid fucking like comes back from from the middle of nowhere. And he just covered his whole face, his covered in mud. And my teacher was like, leave him alone. He thinks it's cake. (laughing) Which didn't help at all. But that was his spur of the moment. - I gotta say, for some reason of how people from Louisville call it Louisville. For some reason, when people call it Colorado. - Yeah. - I'm like, you're wrong. - Oh yeah. - Even though you're from there. - How did I say that Colorado? - Colorado. - Yeah, Colorado. - That's how everybody-- - What did you say? - Colorado. - Yeah. - Yeah, interesting. My grandfather from Mississippi called it Coloradue. - Coloradue. - Yeah, it's awesome. - Yeah, he put some stink on it. - And old Coloradue. - Yeah, Coloradue. - Coloradue. - Coloradue. - Coloradue, what'd it do? - But you know what I mean? For some reason, I don't know. - I get it. - Colorado. - I don't even notice that. - I guess it's just 'cause they're from Colorado. - Colorado. - I guess you guys are nuts. - So, so does it too, right? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, we allegedly don't have an accent. We have the High Plains accent, which is why all the call setters were in Nebraska and Kansas, but like, I don't know. I've never noticed it. - I don't even really know. - I don't even say Coloradue. - Coloradue. - Yeah, they put some stink in the middle. - Yeah. - Shit. - Yeah, I didn't realize the extent like, between the cities, I didn't know Coloradue was like a wasteland. - Dude. - Empty. - Like for real, I've, everyone who lives there is like, it's a fucking like wasteland. - Bro. - Between like Denver and Boulder and Fort Collins, like those are all the population centers, and then the sprawl, but then man, like, an hour from Denver where I grew up, was like 800 people, didn't have a stoplight. Yeah, very boonies. - What do you know about Pikes Peak? - I know a lot. Zebulon Pike founded it. When you wake up at my parents house, you can look out and see Pikes Peak every morning. - Really? - Yeah, yeah. - Mm-hmm. - We did in fifth grade, we had to do a report on mountains, and I got Pikes Peak. - It's a sick peak since I was a young man. - Did you really? - At a deep affinity for Pikes Peak. - He was an explorer. - Yeah, I just got a wreck on tour. - At the silver boom right there. Who was the general who went and just massacred all the Indians? - Kikarsen. - Yeah, I think it was like a priest. - Yeah, the Puder Valley Massacre. - Yeah. - And it's Puders, so it made it tough to take serious. - Did you ever get into a speech that he gave to, like, Rouse the people to do it? - Oh, yeah. - Because it was only women, it was squalls and children. - Yeah. - They don't even have any braves. And I think he said a nits make a lice. - Oh, yeah. 100%. - He murdered all the women and children. - He was down there. He was down Texas. - Was he really? - Yeah, he wasn't in Texas. - Oh, yeah. - He got the carriage first. - He set up shop in South Eastern Colorado, and they have one of those, kind of like Williamsburg, where it's like an old fort. Fort Benz Fort, and you can walk in there, and there's like a trapper and like a squad, and like they tell you stories and you lead you around. - Awesome. - I lived down there when my wife did, like, after residency, and it was brutal, but I went to Old Benz Fort, it's stone to the bone constantly, and like new people there. - That's the last one. (laughing) - Let me just go with that. I've been there. - You have been there? - Yeah. (laughing) - Yeah, I love Old Benz. - I love Old Benz. - I love Old Benz. - I love Old Benz. - I love Old Benz. - All right. That's a good app. Let's go. - Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. - Do it.