Ep 634 - Department of Jokes (feat. Yakov Smirnoff)

the wild wild west yakov thank you very much for being here thanks for thanks for having me yes you're actually coming at a good time matt's become a bit of a russophile okay yeah okay he's from ukraine i know i i heard i was like dang that's not good so i'll be sure i'm reading dostoevsky right now and he's i'm he's made me a russophile you you're liking it i'm sure otherwise why would you yeah yeah yeah yeah he's converted me i'm just 100 in russia right now it's not that i can do about it well uh it is an interesting time like uh decide which side no i don't think he's culture i'm not government it was just a joke i didn't i thought i thought you were creating i'm like oh that's not that's you know well i i grew up in ukraine uh but i speak russian and my wife is from ukraine and we speak russians to each other and we have a one-year-old that we're teaching russians so all of this we're just hoping that this thing will blow over right at some point and and um so how does the name thing work because i noticed there's like three names for everybody there's like there's like a pet name yeah there's like a formal son of father's name in the middle uh-huh so it would be uh my my dad's uh name would so it would be ivanovich if your dad's uh uh ivan it would be like yakov ivanovich and then the last name so did you have like a pet name though like a nickname too no no well my mom would call me like yasha there you go instead of yakov right but but uh not yeah that's not normal so i was reading that book and everyone has three names there's like yeah ovich name there's the asha like pet name and then there's like a one more yeah just like first name kind of thing but most most of the time it's your name you're given named in your father's name uh and uh it ends on h or whatever that ivanovich petrovich whatever kevinovich and then your last name that's normally and uh yeah it's confusing when i came to america i just chose not to not to have that drop the bitch yeah yeah yeah if you're reading this the bitch fell off you like that nate well nice well as you saw we're going through some struggles here the guys are down bad nate flicked off joe rogan yesterday yeah what happened he he made a mistake mistaken identity he gave the middle finger to the boss last night which is i might be cooked i uh i thought it was tony i thought i saw him come out from the back i thought his car was tony's car so i was just giving what i thought was tony double middle fingers standing in front of the car you're gunning for the vice president the vice president are cool so i could get away with that with the vice president i don't i don't know the press the press have only spoken up double middle fingers he's probably he's probably about to get out the car beat the shit out he was literally just showing us he could do round roundhouse kicks still he was just amped up i saw the cop like once i noticed what happened i saw the cop that was like watching him leave like had he was like had that alert like what the fuck you need to get tackled yeah i was about to get shot down the street dude i there was also hitting splits in the green room last night it's so funny the splits are rogan rogan was like i can still do the splits that's awesome because there was a rumor that they uh that uh david lucas could do splits interesting and i said i don't believe it yeah and then rogan immediately was like i can't and did it and then while he was on the ground doing a split david jolly walked in i was like what the fuck's going on in here it's a wonderful night i i used to be able to do this kazatsky dance you know with oh yeah with the kicks yeah and so now in the show if i because i have a i have a theater in branson so there's more like a variety so i do stand-up stuff but i also do some fun funny stuff so um i have like dancers in the show and then i come out and i and i sit on a little stool that they don't see and i go like this and people just love it and then i then i get up and turn around and there's a stool back there you know yeah it's like kind of rock what's the name of that dance kazatsky kazak kazak kazak kazak kazak no uh kazak kazaks were the soldiers the soldiers and they used to do you also like drop i've noticed they'll drop it low on that too like they'll be kicking them yeah i used to i used to i like when they drop it yeah yeah it's fun when they drop it low it is very cool they drop it low there's some spinning spinning going on sometimes yes exciting stuff is that reserved for like an occasion or is that just like you if you're on the dance floor you break it out or is that like a formal kind of thing we didn't like if you're busting out the kazatsky could i go to a club and just fucking well when when you're capable to do it's like doing splits you know it's like really yeah it's it's not an easy thing to do and and you watch those guys that they can do spinning and jumping up and doing splits i in the air so you gotta get like your legs straight over there use my legs for that one yeah i use my arm i'm like let me chill with that too yeah i'd be in the hospital yeah before i hang yeah before no i would be yeah yeah but you can break if you can do it break it out it's like the worm basically yeah weddings it was normal battle yeah a few few few glasses of vodka and here that sounds honestly sounds awesome yeah it is awesome getting hammered and just just kicking like crazy yeah yeah it's one thing i did enjoy about the red army the dance it's a fun thing i feel like if the germans had had a fun dance maybe people would have been like these guys are kind of yeah they would not but what's that they just they just they had no they didn't they weren't they kind of crip walk they got the goose step yeah some countries still hold down yeah north korea still rocks a goose step there you go that's pretty sick but everyone the whole from a military drill perspective just from visual perspective for sure 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You'll also receive an additional 10% off plus free overnight shipping on your first order. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. Oh, yeah. Can I actually, I want to run something by you. Yeah. This is for everybody. I saw this thing a couple days ago. And I think this is a. A new development in like ultra white behavior. You know when your dog poops, you grab a dog poop bag and pick up the poop? Yeah. The guy was squatted down next to his dog holding the bag open while the dog shit into the bag. And I just wanted to say right now, I hope that's not a new trend. Because that way it was so, so disturbing. It was so disturbing to watch a guy. What did this guy look like? Give me a description. It's like one of those. It's like an ultra white. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like someone who's. How old? Probably. Probably like 60s. Like it's like a fleece. Like a fleece vested kind of soft-handed white. I don't know. Probably like some shit with a carabiner on it if I had to guess. Like, probably some cargos, maybe. You think it was a Harris voter? Undeniably so. I got to be honest. That screams Harris voter. It was a Harris voter. They need to talk about that, man. It was an establishment Democrat, for sure. It was definitely. It's about as damn as it gets, dude. It's like 10 pins on your back, just holding a bag for your dog to shit in. It was like, I'd rather you leave it there. Just leave it and walk away. I really did. I'd rather you leave that and me be like, motherfucker, than watch that and be like, whoa, dude, why are you doing that? What if your dog has diarrhea? That's what I've been thinking. How do you catch that? Dude, it was. Older dogs will kind of scoot a little bit, too. I couldn't believe what I saw. I'm hoping that stops now. Yeah. Was it a trash bag? It was a dog poop bag, the tiny little bag. Yeah, okay. He was just holding a tiny little dog bag. Around the rim? Right next to the bubble. Right on the crater. Just, you know, down a little bit. He let it drop. You should have screamed at him. Dude, I should have. I should have. Hey. I should have beaten him up. You should have fought him. So this is a good job for, like, a robot to go behind the dog. Yeah. You're exactly right. That way, nobody's upset. Yeah, I don't like it. Dog shit robot. You might be on a billion-dollar idea. I've been trying to make money off of dog shit for a while. I have. Because, like, you got to think. It has to break down into something that's worth something. You know, I think they ate off gases. There's all this dog shit. I'm so serious. I mean, it's like all this dog shit is getting just thrown in these bags and trapped in plastic. And it's like there's got to be some quality within dog shit that you can eat. Like, it's like whey protein. Like ethanol. Something, man. You want the gas. I want to corner the dog shit market. And turn it into a million dollars. I mean, you might be. I've been thinking about this a lot. It's a good call for a Cossack. Drew. I'll celebrate with a Cossack. If you do this, I'll get in enough shape. I'll get stem cells in my knees. I'll hit it. So this is why it's called Secret Podcast. No one can know about it. Yeah. Because if somebody gets wind of Matt's dog shit idea. True. They're going to take advantage of it. Elon Musk might be listening right now. Dude. Please. Could fuel his rockets. True. His dog shit. There's got to be some use of all that dog shit. Apparently, it doesn't work as fertilizer. Because that was my first line of thought. Apparently, it doesn't work. Well, the bag would not work. The bag. Well, they say they're compostable. Some of the bags. But I've looked into the fertilizer. And they're like, yeah, I could be carrying some nasty, you know. I don't know. I don't know why a cow's shit would be carrying. You were looking into it. Dude, for sure. You were Googling this all out again. Yeah, sure. I've looked into it deeply. It's always me. I'm walking dog shit out of my garage to my thing. And I'm like, is there an industrial application? I forget it. Whatever Grock says, I'm like, I forget. But yeah, stay tuned. Yeah, what are you? Do you have any ideas? The robot picking it up. Robot's great. Now you're sitting just cleaning it up as a robot. That could just be a form of getting it to you. Yeah, you could use those. You know those robots that carry like food orders? Yeah. When there's no order, in between orders, they could go and just vacuum dog shit up. Fill it with shit. And have it in a separate container. In a separate compartment than your food. Which would be a good deterrent for the people kicking those things over, too. Every once in a while, you go, I was actually carrying dog vomit. Vomit's got to have something. We got to get vomit going, too. Got to be some stem cells in there. How about cum? Dog cum will be. Dog cum could be very valuable and lucrative. There's got to be like B12 in it, probably. Do you have any dogs? I had the dog for a while. I had them in the show. It was part of the skit. And then I had him for about a year. He's a working dog. Huh? He's a working dog. Yeah, it was kind of a half and half. He was supposedly a pet and part of the show. And it was a Shih Tzu and a poodle, so I called him Shit Poo. So it was a cute little dog. But I realized that I didn't have enough patience for that. You didn't. And then so I. When I was in the room. When I was on the road, I felt guilty that he was alone. And so I would put him into dog motel. And I realized that I was spending more money on a dog than me, staying in a nice motel. So the lady who owned the motel said, why don't we co-parent this dog? And I said, great. So she took him, and that was it. That's great. I visited him a couple times. He was running the motel. He's really cute, so he would sit on her desk and greet people. And it was really. So it worked out really nice. Nice. There's a happy. Well, the mayor got rid of his dog. The way him and his family got rid of their dog is they took the dog to the park, and they threw the ball, and then got in their car and drove away. You serious? Dead serious. And the dog is still. The ball. It's probably in that dog motel. Literally. Literally one of the most heartbreaking. Did you just wipe your fucking hand on the chair after you ate a chicken finger? No, I just. I was getting it up. Oh, you had already spilled. Yeah. Sorry about it. I didn't mean to actually get upset with you, but that genuinely would have made me angry that you wiped ketchup on the fucking chair. That'd be crazy. I would have actually. I would have been truly mad. I would have been like, dude, you got to leave. I just talked to. A storm chaser. Fuck. Reed Timmer, I believe his name. He had a. He's the guy who has the tank where he goes in her tornadoes. He had a dog that would do storm chases with him. That's what I said. I was like. What's that dog's name? Toto? It's a little Wizard of Oz joke. They're going to get it in Russia soon. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I was like, well, that's got to be crazy. That's crazy for a dog. They don't like light thunder. I was like, that dog in that tornado must have been bugging. He was like. Yeah, he was actually pretty scared. It was called the Dominator. It's just like giant. It's an F-350. Dominator. Dominator is awesome. It's an F-350 that just anchors down into the ground, and it's like bulletproof glass. You can go inside of the swirl. Not an F-5, obviously, but you can go down and just be inside of a tornado, and then they launch rockets up into it to study the wind pattern or something. Damn, the guy saw a twister. Yeah, pretty much. The guy saw a twister and was like, I'll do that. I'll do that. That's crazy. I mean, that was actually. I think the name of it was Toto. Really? Yeah. I loved that movie. You ever see Twister? Twister was sick. Did you like Twister? Twister was good. I guess, yeah. Did you see Waterworld? Huh? Waterworld. Kevin Costner. I remember that for me. I loved it. I thought it was sick, yeah. It's all smokers. What? The smokers? That's who they were fighting. Is that the guy? I don't remember. They all remember Smoke Sigs, the bad guys. What? Yeah. Dang, I just remember my Uncle Neil took us to saw it, and I think you see Kevin Costner's butt in the movie. You see his butt. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. Football is finally back, and PrizePix is bringing the heat for the start of the season with Stacked September. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. New promos every day, including guaranteed picks every Monday, profit boosts, and daily discounts. Throughout the whole month. It's super simple to get started. Just pick two to six players. Then choose more or less projected stats. You know I always want more. Just like past yards, rush yards, or fantasy score. Looking at week one's opener, Sam Donald. Week one opener, Sam Donald. It's just one yard against New England to get his cash as pick. Yeah, we can see him open. It doesn't get any easier than that. So get locked in for football season. Check out everything PrizePix has going on this September. Download the app today and use code DRENCH to get $150 instantly in lineups. If you win your first $5 lineup, that's code DRENCHED to get $150 instantly in lineups if you win your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, run your game. When you were growing up in Odessa, how long did you live in Odessa? I was 26 when I left the Soviet Union. So I lived all my life in a communal apartment with my parents sharing the room. So basically that was my life. So I never. So when you hear people talk about how cool communism is, what are your thoughts? Well. That's a good question. I don't know. Because I'm curious. Because I never lived under communism. If you don't know any better, that's the way people live. So some people live just a little bit better than others. But you get used to it. I grew up, no phone, no car, nine families in one apartment, one bathroom, kitchen shared between all those nine families, one stove, and you have a schedule like when you can cook. Yeah. And. God forbid you cook longer than other people get real upset and you can have lead pipe in your soup, you know, and just, just for flavor, you know? So, um, but you don't know any better. You just live like that. And, uh, in my case, you know, I, I was lucky that I kind of discovered comedy because I wasn't good in sports. I wasn't good, you know, in studying and, but I was good in making people laugh, getting in trouble and, and still keep doing it. And, and so that's what got me. Yeah. How did standup start in the Soviet Union? When were they doing that? Uh, well, um, in my, um, normally there was like two standup comedians, uh, in the whole country that approved by the government. It's awesome. So they can be on, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, television. They can be on the radio. And so we're doing that for a few years. Yeah. We did that for like eight years in the United States. I don't think there's anything close to that. It was kind of like that. No, no, no. We all share an apartment with one bathroom. No, I gotta tell you this, this was like when I, when I came to America and I was hoping that I can do comedy, but I didn't speak English. So, but I remember going to, I'm sorry to stop you in communists in, in the Soviet Union. Would any of the people in the communal apartment leave dishes in the communal sink? Cause that would be a beating. Yeah. There was a lot of challenges. Dishes. Dishes was not one of those. Dishes was not a challenge. You're saying they cleaned up and dried. Even then, even Soviet Russia. Wow. They would, they would. Are you hinting at someone? So if you had been really good at sports though, would you get like a different apartment or would you still be locked in? You would still be in same situation. You would probably have more opportunities like going outside the country, like representing the Soviet Union. Comedians were not sent out to, to represent the Soviet Union. So, so you would have like a, if you're a ballet dancer or you know, opera singers, those were, they were, they were pride of, you guys weren't proud of your comedian. They weren't proud of the comedians. No. Well, if you were approved by the communist party, then you were an asset to them. Yeah. And, and then, so what would happen in each apartment in, there would be a speaker that was connected to like the whole, so, and they were on all the time. So on Sunday mornings, they would broadcast a comedy skit that were approved by the government. And, and so I would record that like big recorder and I would record that thing. And I would memorize it because there was no writers. So there was no, it wasn't like you were stealing because there was nothing allowed. So, but this was allowed. So then I was able to memorize it very quickly. And then, and would tell my friends and they would laugh and there was kind of like an impression. They knew where I got it. It was, everybody heard it. It wasn't like I was, you know, and, but it gave me a chance to be popular with my friends. And that's what encouraged that. Damn. There's something kind of bleak about that though. You're just memorizing like state propaganda. That was the only thing you're allowed to do, which is what I get it. That's the only thing that was there, but that's like pretty wild. And I got, you, you're conditioned so much. I remember seeing one of the comedians in New York and, and I, uh, and he said that Jimmy Carter had a hemorrhoid operation and he will be perfect asshole. And I, I literally docked behind the table because I thought somebody was going to shoot him. I swear. I mean, this is how conditioned you were. Don't say anything. against the government, and literally we had a department of jokes that each state, we had 15 states or 15 republics, and each republic had a minister of culture that had a department of jokes. So if to become a professional Canadian, you had to submit your material in writing, all the jokes that you're going to do, and it would be more like vaudeville comedy. So you're not doing an hour special. You were doing hosting something, few jokes here, few jokes there, and then they would approve it with a stamp. What type of jokes would they approve? You're allowed to make fun of your wife or something? Yeah. You're allowed to make fun of gay guys? Yeah, mother-in-law jokes, stuff. Racism? Oh, no, no, no. They didn't like racism? No, you can't do political jokes. You can't do sexual jokes. You can't do religious jokes. You can't do, you can talk about fish. You know, I mean, stuff like that. Obsecure. Yeah. And those jokes were pretty much like old jokes that everybody was hashing them over. So you didn't have to deal with the communist party. Right. And the informers were everywhere. So you could not just like sneak in a joke because they were watching. So it was pretty, but backstage you would tell jokes about Khrushchev, Brezhnev. I mean, this was just okay. I'm surprised they didn't catch on worldwide like they thought. Do what? I'm surprised the communist dream didn't catch on worldwide. Well, I, I'm, you survived. Yeah. I survived in that environment, came here and realized that you can do, whatever. What was that like coming here? And when you first got here and you were just kind of like existing and. Well, I didn't speak English. So for the interpreter, uh, the guy, you know, was laughing at me and it, uh, um, at the immigration office, like he was saying, like, what, what do you want to do in America? And I said, I want to be a Russian comedian. And he started laughing and I go, why is he laughing? He said, well, it sounds like Amish electrician. And, and so, and, and then I see dogs are sniffing my luggage and I said, what is, what's going on there? And, and the interpreter said, they're looking for drugs. And I, and I go, I thought in America, people are hooked on drugs, but dogs and they start laughing again. I'm going to kill it. I'm doing pretty good without even knowing the language. I'm doing good, you know? So that's how, uh, but then. Then I didn't, I, I got a, I was really determined. I knew that I, I wanted to do it, but I had no, nobody to kind of, there was no sound. Robin Williams was doing, um, uh, suppression jokes and people kind of thought that he was Russian. And then they were thinking, oh, you're faking that you're from Russia. All of that stuff was happening for real. And so I, I figured I got it. I learned English and, and so I got a job as a, uh, went to bartending school. Cause I figured where'd you move to New York, New York. So I was, all you know how to make was the Moscow mule before that, that would have been a good one. Yes. I, but I had no idea. I'm like, and I, I go to a bartending school on fifth avenue and they want $200. For a week or two week course to become a mixologist. So I would have a diploma, but I don't speak English. And so I, I bring that big tape recorder with me and the record, uh, this, uh, the, the, all the drinks that they're, you know, like grasshopper or dry martini or whatever. And then I try it and I get hammered and yeah, but eventually I got a job and, and it gave me a chance to start talking to. And trying my jokes on Americans. What years, that was 77. Whoa. Yeah. They, uh, when you came to America, how, like they must've interviewed you a lot, right? Like to come from the Soviet union to the United States. And no government wasn't like, like the government being like, Oh, government. Yes, they did. Uh, we, we had to wait in Italy, um, to, for three months to get. So they didn't want people with communist party records or, um, you know, like a criminal reckons Barry Manilow. I joke about that, but they didn't want any of that. So every Oswald just got right in. Yeah. It's pretty nuts. Interesting. So, and then, and then the interview comes and the, you think that, you know, CIA is going to like grill you. And I walked into that, uh, and, and the guys in shorts. Kind of, you know, relaxed, kind of going. Looking at me, going for my papers, and going, are you a spy? I go, no. He said, okay, that's fine. So I got in. Strict security. Yeah, yeah. Tell me, are you a spy? You have to tell me. No. I would be honest if I was a spy. That's pretty. So what was your impression, though, when you came here? And if you were so used to it, that was so normal to be like nine families in an apartment, and you got here, and you had your own spread. Like, where did you move? Well, you didn't. I mean, at first, it was like I had a friend who immigrated before me, and she had an apartment, and we slept on the floor for a while. I came with my parents, so we didn't have any money. The funny part, how we survived these three months in Italy, they would allow only so many things to take out of Russia, and there was a list, like a camera, a hat, something like that, and $100 a person to exchange. That's it. So we, as kind of a part of this research was, what do we need to take with us so we can sell in Italy? And one of the things was condoms, because in the Soviet Union, there were like a couple of pennies, and there you could sell them for a dollar. And we heard that, and there was no restrictions on how many condoms you could get. So I would go to all different, and you could, you got to talk to the pharmacist because it wasn't like just pick it up. You got to talk to them. So I would go from one pharmacy to another and just get as many condoms as I could get. So we got like a suitcase. Full of, I'm not making this up, full of condoms. And we gave it to my mom. So figured they won't ask her why, you know, whatever. And so we passed them through, and we got to Italy, and my job and their job was on Saturday and Sunday, there was an open market, and you go there, and you open the suitcase, and you sell condoms. Awesome. So it was funny because my parents, who were very conservative, you know, never seen capitalism, all of a sudden they become this capitalist. So my dad said, I'm going to be in charge of advertising. So he starts blowing those up. He's the minister of advertising. Right? And mom's clever, I mean, and she's as straight as it could be. She translates into Italian. If you don't want to have. If you don't want to have a kid like this and points at me, buy a condom. And people would laugh, and they would buy it. And that would give us money to pay rent for this time, and we survived. That's awesome. Where is Chernobyl compared to Odessa? It's about, it's closer to Kiev. Yeah. Yeah, so it's probably 60 miles from Kiev. And what year was that? Were you there? No, no, that blew up right before the Soviet Union collapsed. I believe that that was kind of the last straw that broke the camel's back because Gorbachev did not know. They literally tried to cover it up for a long time. And I talked to a, when I visited, well, at that point, still Soviet, you know, no, it was after Soviet Union. I took my kids to St. Petersburg, and we happened to, through some friends, knew a general who was in charge of covering up Chernobyl. And so, and he said, we tried. So we got all the heavy equipment from all over the country to get there, to bury it, the whole city, the whole thing. Yeah. But after. After it's already been out, and the news were out, and that was kind of Gorbachev's, you know, end of that. It's interesting. I went and I visited there. Chernobyl? Uh-huh. Oh, that's cool. Yeah. It's, and they give you a Geiger counter, and there's still, so if you walk on the pavement, no problem, just same as in the city. But the moment you, like, veer off just a little bit into, like, a grass area, wah, wah, wah. Yeah, still there, still there. That was only, like, five, six years ago when I went. Jesus. And, but you walk in, and there's, it's kind of like a monument to a fallen empire. Because everything, all grown with trees, and so everything, the pictures are still of, you know, all the Soviet politics, all of that was still there. But it's totally. It's totally a ruin. How far around is, like, unusable, basically, or unlivable now? I don't think it, the radiation level, if you compare it to just a regular city, it has already just from the sun and all of that. So I would say 20 kilometers, maybe, around that. Didn't they build, like, a dome over it now? I don't know. Don't be wrong. Yeah, I think so. As a museum, or as a. No, no, like a protective. Just to protect? Yeah. Well, maybe I shouldn't have gone. Yeah, it's kind of nuts. But I have a one-year-old now, so I guess it's still okay, yeah. Got three arms. I'm great. Maybe it would help me. Did you ever see the show, Chernobyl? I did. It was great, right? I did, it was a great show. Yeah, I liked that. Yeah, you're sitting in the edge. Yeah, it was awesome. The edge of the sea, and the music, or whatever, that sound. But I liked the. My favorite part is the Communist Party. Like, when they have the meeting of all the townspeople, and they're like, everything's fine. Yeah. And the one guy's like, why is the air glowing? And he's like, shut up. He's like, everything's fine, and then he throws up blood. Get him out. Dude, that. Totally. That was. What year was that again? I thought it was. No. What's that? Chernobyl. Chernobyl. I think it was like. When? When did it happen, yeah. It would be 90. It would be, no, 89, or right before the collapse. The collapse was 91. So it was just. Year I was born. It was, yeah. Damn. Yeah, that's an epic failure. Damn. Notre Dame's last title, Soviet Union, existed. Really? That's tough, dude. We'll be back. This is our year. You ready for some college football? You got to get fired, though. Really? It's time. You live in Missouri? Yeah. You a Missouri Tiger fan? Well, I don't follow sports, so. You got to follow it. I should. Yeah, well, yeah. With your background, yes. You got to follow Missouri Tiger. With my background, it's like, I don't know why grown men bend over and touch each other. I mean, that, you know. Well, if you put it that way. Well, if you say it's gay, I can't, you know, it's hard to argue. It's really tough. I didn't say it. You have to ignore it. No, I just described it. That's all. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I can instantly. Tell me. If you could get better at anything or something, what would you choose? Oh, man. You know, if I could get better at anything, if I could get better at something, it would be, you know, I would just be better at just kind of, like, holding my friends. Holding them. Yeah. Sometimes when my friends are talking to me, you just stand, like, you know, apart from them. Why not just hold them? Embrace when you talk. Embrace when you talk, yeah. Grab the back of their neck. That's interesting. I never thought of that. Yeah. Feeling better. Feeling better. Being better. It's defined differently for everyone. For BetterHelp, the help with the better. It's a BetterHelp therapist who really gets you. It's a focus on global emotional well-being with thousands of therapists and millions of members in over 100 countries. And it's creating a space to help you. Sorry, I can't read any of this. To help you explore what better means to you, sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash mssp. That's betterhelp.com slash mssp. Excellent. Do you like any sports? Were there any? No, not really. No, I never got into it. I wasn't good at it, so if I wasn't good, I wasn't. Scott loves basketball, and I mean, you should see him. Sure. I might be the worst person to ever touch a basketball, but it is my favorite thing. He likes to see the men. He likes to see the big men. See what they can do. And he cheers for them. I cheer for them. I wear their shirts. He said he would kiss a bunch of the players for them to win a championship this year. I said I would kiss one of the players. And then he said he would mash butts with LeBron James. I said I would. No, I said I would mash butts with him. He said he would take naked butts and mash them together. I said I would mash butts with you. No, you. You said you would mash butts. It's back. I'll mash butts for a couple times. Are you sure he's talking about basketball? Well, it's also like, would you rather mash butts or kiss? That's a tough question. Damn, mashing butts is disgusting. Mashing butts is disgusting. But it's almost like, you know. You guys ever do a naked mash? It's a little more clinical. Mash butts quick, you're off. A kiss is pretty intimate. What do you think, Skyler? Naked butt mash or kissing? No tongue. But wet lips. But wet lips. Yeah, but wet lips. Those are the only two choices. You got to pick one. Are you mashing butts or kissing? Just think, you made it out of the Soviet Union to be sitting in Texas someday talking about mashing butts. Yeah. Who would have guessed? USA. We won. We won. We can literally do anything we want. We can mash butts. Whenever we want. We can do it. Mashing butts is our scissory. It is. So what brought you to Missouri? Branson, Missouri. It's a little town that has a lot of theaters. And I didn't know anything about it. And my. My career kind of went through. I got canceled kind of. I did. What did you get canceled for? For the Soviet Union collapsing. Oh, shit. They blame that on you? Somehow I got the brunt of that. Who did you get canceled by? Well, officially, Letterman had a top ten list on the night of the collapse of the Soviet Union. Yeah. Yeah. And the things that will now change. And I made number one on the list. Yakov Smirnov will be out of work. And I thought it was kind of funny because I was playing Vegas Atlantic City. I was killing it, you know. And one joke, what's a big deal, right? And six months later, none of my contracts were renewed. What? Kind of like SNL kind of a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just like. One thing and it's just that you're done. Yeah. And I couldn't find work for two. And I had two little kids at that point. And we were living in a house next to like Tom Hanks and Arnold Schwartz. I mean, we were in Pacific Palisades, two and a half million dollar home. I'm like going, this American dream rocks. It's never will end. This is it. And the mortgage. The mortgage didn't end, but the career did. And so all of a sudden, I can't pay my mortgage. And so. Just change the joke to Russian instead of Soviet Union. Just say Russian instead of Soviet Union. Nobody cares. Nobody. You know why? You know why? We had to stop talking shit. I realized later on, and this was something that took me years to figure out, that I was meeting the need that America had. America, the Soviet Union was a pain in the butt to America. I was like preparation H. I was like, you know, so when the itching. You were living the butt mash. Yeah, yeah. There you go. Now we're connecting it. Yes, yes. Russian America finally butt mashed and there was no more market. I tore down the wall. Everyone, East and West Germany matched us. It was great. Damn, that fucking, that sucks. But when the itching and the swelling and it goes away, you don't need preparation H. So that's kind of what happened. I was like, put it aside and literally couldn't find even going back to clubs. We're not, nobody, it was like, who cares? Soviet Union is not there, who cares? So then I. It was also, was that around when the comedy bubble itself burst? Well, it would be. It wasn't huge in the 80s and then like 90s it kind of dipped or am I wrong about that? I think you're right. You might be right. Timing might have been similar to that. And then I remember I was telling my agent, you know, what do I do? And he goes, well, Willie Nelson is doing this concert in Ames, Iowa and they won't pay anything, but he needs a co-host. Would you want to go to Ames, Iowa? And I go, farmers would not know who I am. Why would I, you know, and, but I had no choice. So I went and it was. It was, you know, I did my set and they gave me a standing ovation. I was like, holy, this is pretty cool. So, and then I want to say goodbye to Willie Nelson. This is where I opened the door at his tour bus and the smoke comes out and he goes through the smoke. He goes, Yakov, you did great. You should go to Branson. They'll love you there. And I go. What's Branson, you know? And so I went and in Branson, they didn't know that the Soviet Union collapsed. Oh, nice. So I got 33 years out of that. I own 2000 Seat Theater and I entertain over 6 million people there. So it, in some ways, being canceled worked for me. And I think it's a good thing that I'm in the theater business. It's good in the theater business. Well, I'm, I'm, I really, it's just my theater where I, when I got there, it was not easy. I rented it and I, for sure, I'm thinking, well, I'll do well there, but 17 people showed up. So it was started to, oh my goodness, two little kids, what am I going to do? Now they must, they must love you in Branson. Now the, well, it took a little while, but they do, they do. And so it became, so I did 400 shows a year. I would just do show after show. And was it you performing or you were throwing plays? Just you. Yeah. Damn. So you just first just me. And then it became because they like more variety. So I added some dancers and sketches and things like that. But mostly it was me. That's awesome. Now I kind of, you know, I do only like 30 shows a year. And this is where I, for different reasons. First time really come back and kind of put my foot in the water, go, did they still know who I am? And, and then, you know, kill Tony, you know, Tony says to me, sure. I'd love to have you as a celebrity judge. And, and all of a sudden it's like, and yesterday I was like, I felt like I was an ugly duckling walking into the Swan Lake, honestly going, are they going to kill me? Or are they going? Or are they going to just accept me? And of course, well, of course, in your mind, your mind plays tricks. It's like, you go, I don't know. I'm sure when you went back, you know, Saturday Night Live, it was like, what's going to happen here? You know? Yeah. So. Yeah. That's interesting. I still feel that way whenever I go to any, any other club. I'll go back to the cellar and be like, they hate me. They hate me now. I'll go anywhere. I go to the store. I'm like fucking L.A. They hate me. Then you hang out with them for 10 minutes. You're like, all right, I like L.A. Yeah. Any club I go into, I'm like, I hate everyone here. Well, also, luckily there's. Somebody says hi and you go, hey, how are you? Yeah. Thank you. I love your stuff. Yeah. Luckily, there's a plenty of political strife again with Russia. So. What was that? There's a lot of political strife with Russia right now, too. So. Yeah. Could be another harvest season. Yeah. Yeah. I try. I, after, I feel like after that whole thing happened in the 90s. I feel like I developed like I had like PTSD from going into a political direction. Right. So I, I started and I, I was going through a divorce and I realized that this is a lot more job security talking about men and women called war. It will never end. So I just, I doubled down on that. I got, I literally. While I was doing shows in, um, in brands and I got my master's degree in psychology at UPenn because I wanted to research laughter and here's what triggered it. It was like a realization that, um, when the relationship start, everybody laughs and, and then when it's over, the only people laughing are the attorneys and you're like crying. So I was like, I started asking my audience, I go, let me ask you, how many of you, when you fell in love, remember laughter being part of that? And they all, uh, and, and then I go, how many of you would go on a second date if you didn't have laughter? Silence. Oh, there's something here. All those guys are lying by the way. She's hilarious. God, she's funny. And you fuck her, you go. I don't get it. I don't get them. What's the punchline? Well, but that was in Branson, so it's different. What? All right. So you studied, what were you studying, laughter? Because first of all, I got a question. What the fuck is laughter? How about that? The relief of psychic tension. Yeah, but why does it come out like that? I just remember hearing that somewhere. I had a feeling you'd know. It's a perceived threat that gets. Well, yeah, I was going after deeper, you know, like there's a lot of understanding of laughter as an element of surprise. All of those things are correct. But I was going for a route. My dad was an engineer and inventor, so my brain is like, what is it? What is it? I want to understand why there's laughter in the beginning of the relationship and why there isn't later on. And it's not just a relationship with your wife or it's the same with the children, the same with your co-workers, the same. So I was looking for what's the common denominator. What is it? And so I did my dissertation and then I went to Pepperdine and got my doctorate degree because I want to continue figuring this out. And the dissertation is online. You can, 190 pages of no jokes at all. I mean, it's like serious research. And so the dissertation is called Law of Laughter, LOL. That's the only joke they allowed me on the cover. That's it. And so what they boiled down to, and that's what explained to me my success in America, not just because, you know, I was hardworking. I had talent, all of that. But the main thing that got me on the level that I never imagined making movies and doing all of it was that there was a need. America needed relief from that crazy tension that, so Brezhnev and Khrushchev with the shoe, we will bury you, all of that. America lived in that. And here I show up and I'm like, we're afraid of this. And that's what got me to get on The Tonight Show, all of those things. And then I realized, so the need, so I was meeting the need. And that's what happens in the beginning of the relationship. You do everything to meet her needs. She's doing everything to meet your need, whatever the needs are. And then the humor triggers the laughter. That's it. So if the need is not met, you're screwed. And then at the end of the relationship, normally you're saying, I'm not meeting her need. I'm done. Or vice versa. Because I've noticed me and Lemaire have stopped sharing giggles. Dr. Smirnoff, can you please diagnose these two? I feel like their love has fizzled out. Their love has fizzled. My love with Lemaire has fizzled. It's not as funny. At first I go, oh, Lemaire, he just wiped ketchup on the chair after eating a chicken finger during the podcast. And I would go, now I get it. I go, what the fuck was that? Oh, he left the dishes. I'm having people for dinner. Who cares? Now I go, what the fuck are you doing? Stop jacking off in the office. This episode is brought to you by AG1. 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Matt, what were you finally able to save for thanks to Rocket Money, automatic savings, vacation bonus. Can I tell you something? Can I tell you something, actually? I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. Oh, those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny enough. It had nothing to do with that. I was going through my, which one do you call it? I have a joint credit card with my wife, and we're going over the monthly charges, and it was like a shock. Someone had, I think, frauded us, and I had a charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son's a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. I mean, and also, that's a tough one for you to have to. I know. That was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so taken off. I'm so surprised by this. This is fraudulent and suspicious activity. Let's get Rocket Money involved. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash mssp. That's rocketmoney.com slash mssp. Rocketmoney.com slash mssp. Well, what about a relationship of, like, years where, like, maybe you're not going to be able to or maybe the laughter has died, but then the wife falls on the floor and you go. Yeah. Because that never gets old. Then the need was met. Yeah, you could marry a clumsy bitch. Yeah. And you're going to laugh for the rest of your life. Until she takes a header off the fucking porch and you get blamed. That's cool you went back to school for psychology. So what do you do with that? You just kind of. You just sit on the doctorate? Well, at first, I kind of. It's a similar path. True, yeah. I'm a master. I have a master's in social work. Okay, so at first, I thought I'll go into that relationship arena, do TED Talks maybe. I did a PBS special called Happily Ever Laughter. But then I realized I'm splitting myself that, you know, I believe that comedy is really what I want to do. But I was doing it to fit, to meet the need. And then I realized that most people don't want to change whatever their pattern is in a relationship. You can spend all your life trying to help them, but they don't. So I use that in my show. I use a lot of material, men-women differences, my wife telling stories about my wife, me. And that's basically incorporated what I learned into my stand-up. Yeah, nice. So. I was at Drexel, by the way. I went to Drexel right next to Penn. We used to live. Did you go to Penn? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we lived right there. We lived in University City in Philadelphia. He and I lived together. It's a beautiful campus. I loved it. Penn's nice, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drexel's ugly. Drexel's. It was literally voted. It was voted one of the ugliest campuses in America. Is that right? You should see Harrisburg Area Community College. I went from, like, very nice schools at first, and then literally Harrisburg Area Community College and Westchester, both of them look like Soviet. The architecture is Soviet block. That's why I liked it. That's why you felt at home, right? I felt right at home. You go, oh, there's only three windows. Yeah, Westchester's. And a concrete building. Yeah, they got some rough. Yeah, it's fucking AT&T building. At least they have, like, grass. Drexel's no grass. It's just concrete, and it was run by Greeks for a while, so they got this idea. They put, like, giant, almost an amphitheater thing in the middle of, like, a paver. It looks horrible. Yeah, Drexel was Greek-run for a long time. Hack was right next to the Farm Show Complex and a bunch of fucking train tracks. It was tough, dude. I feel like it was always cloudy when I was there. That was a dark period. Yeah, that's a tough one. Although you definitely probably felt like boy genius at the. I did. HAC. Yeah. It's really nice. Community College, you can go there and really tear it up. Wait a second. I am smart. Smart as hell. Yeah, that's a good feeling. So I'm curious about your coming back to SNL. The set, you were pretty. I mean, you were pretty set on that set, right? Yeah. I mean, it was. You weren't winging it there. No. It was. Because Solid, it was great. Thank you. Yeah. No, I mean, I was winging it a little at the beginning, just being like. I was like, how do I address getting fired? And I thought about it for a while, like what to say? And I was like, should I fucking tell him to F you? Yeah. And I was like, why would I ever do that? Double birds to the crow. Yeah. Double birds to the rogan. But I love that you had your family there. Yeah, yeah. That was a great setup. Yeah, yeah. It was like, oh man, he thought it through. No, that was last second. No, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Well, I knew they were coming, but I was like, can we. Because I didn't even think to ask if I could get them on camera. And then when we were doing. When we were doing rehearsal, I was like, can we get a camera? Because I was like, where are they going to be sitting? And they showed me. And I was like, can we put a camera on them? Yeah. Perfect. Then I didn't do it. tell them that they were going to be on camera that's so funny yeah yeah yeah that was nice that was a nice moment mom and dad held hands that's really sweet i was like god damn this is like the sweetest moment of my life their needs their needs were being mad yes kid's not a loser look at that we we didn't waste our time because there was a good 30 years before that where they were like oh god damn this kid sucks it's gotta be so nice to be like holy fuck yeah but then i'm up there like my dad's fucking gay get a camera on him pussy still yeah this is nice yeah it's so fucking funny gay bitch hey my dad's tv just like yeah okay yeah all right that's great but then at the yeah i remember at the after party he was sitting at a table it was just him lauren michaels and mike myers yeah that's awesome at a booth just drinking phil was holding court i was like damn this is good yeah yeah you can you can imagine uh what my parents thought when i wanted to do stand up in soviet union you can imagine that probably like don't tell anyone insane yes you are are you you crazy totally crazy yeah but here we are here we are yeah i mean yeah how did they feel they probably said no right oh are you kidding no for years yeah uh i i started when i was 15 uh in the community it was community college or uh trade school i was uh they kind of forced me to go to become a refrigeration mechanic because comedy are you kidding you know um so and i was doing amateur comedy there and and then uh i went to uh military and two years and i was kind of doing amateur stuff there and then i came back and and i'm going i want to do a kind of they said no no you got so i got my bachelor's in art um and that's another thing that i do so they said at least this is not so comedy yeah because again going through the they knew how difficult it would be to pass those communist party people and all that and so in in college i was just doing it again as an amateur but and then later on you do it as an amateur though where would you do it in the club like in school there would be a club and there would be every uh like may day or revolution day they would do some kind of a concert were you guys still working on that calendar that was like completely cut off from the regular calendar well a regular like what do you mean didn't they split the calendar didn't they take all the religious stuff out of the calendar and i think that was france actually did that well they changed like you mean christmas like into new year's right yeah they did they they saved the tree but it was new year's not christmas god and it was santa claus it wasn't santa claus it was father frost father frost yeah and that's how and you know and yeah it's nothing can stop the tree christmas tree is too cool this tree rules but they didn't you know that we didn't even know that they took the christ out of christmas basically they took the christ out of christmas there you go absolutely there was no religion was totally not allowed you could not even say the word god in school you you would be expelled you say gosh at those days yeah gosh i didn't try i didn't try so that was my reality and and so uh we um doing this um comedy thing and then i get an offer to go on the cruise ship to do um like stand or master of ceremonies like a assistant cruise director you're like the black sea or the black sea yeah yeah so i was the hell and so they liked me and this is this is a cool thing that happened there so i go there and they don't they said we won't pay you but you get your cabin you get a cabin universal that's pretty universal they did they did that here to everybody sorry now well and i was like yeah i'll be i'll have my own room for like a week holy cow that was amazing and the bathroom for myself oh that's right it's on that little right what's it called the peninsula or the uh well it's it's near crimea it's all yeah it but it's a little bit more south so um but that's where the cruise ships go out of and they go around submarines huh i don't know why i'm just naming things things i know about odessa that's right that's the crime it's a little bit farther uh south from from that so i thought you're saying the cruise ship wasn't submarine no but that's funny so so this is red october cruise yeah there you go yeah you can do comedy there you're the master of ceremonies you're the mc of the so i was mc'ing and this is and how because i didn't speak english or any other language they had a lot of tourists from different countries so you would have czechoslovakians you would have polish you would have germans americans australians whatever and i my job was to do like games with them you know do some kind of miss cruz or um you know competition like yeah hottest chick yeah yeah oh yeah oh boy i was 24 years old yes and they let me it's like they let me into uh who anyone could enter into the running for miss cruz yeah yeah it was pretty much up to me and they gave me an interpreter so i could talk to them for the first time to those yeah oh boy i have yeah it was really adventurous and fun that's awesome and no and and russian women are a lot more conservative and you know they are not like they weren't like the hottest women in this room and then they're huh trump would disagree donald trump he loves russian women he likes those well now yeah yeah but in those days oh big burly they were they were all no they were nice they were nice beautiful women sturdy but they were standing behind those big burly women so you never saw them right but but uh here all the sudden i have uh women who are from the western culture and they are like they know things about that we never even heard of, you know, even though it's universal, but boy, you were so far ahead or they were so far ahead. Blowjobs, blowjobs. Yeah, yeah. Titty fucking. Yeah. Titty fucking. Titty fucking. I was learning. I had to learn all of this. Really? So all of a sudden I'm in this environment and I'm getting to know. You got to bring your interpreter in. You got to tell her I'm about to fucking bust. Tell her this doesn't happen too much. What should I do with it? Tell me where. Tell her. So that was exciting to be there. All of a sudden I was allowed something that I totally couldn't imagine. And so then the cruise comes to the end and they said, would you like to go again? I said. Well, would it be possible to get my parents a cabin as well? Because they never been on the cruise and stuff. And the, the communist party, you know, boss who controls that whole company or the whole Black Sea cruise line. And there's only one cruise line. He says, who do you think you are that you're going to request something? We have hundreds of people like you get out of here. Yeah. And so I was like, oh shoot. Well, I tried, but it didn't work out. So I go home and I tell my parents that this is not going to happen. And I'm, you know, and it's like in the morning we have no phone and all of a sudden this messenger comes an hour later and he has two sets of tickets for me and my parents. It turns out there were not any other, there's no one else. No, no, no. There was a more kind of an interesting twist because, so what happened, so we obviously got excited, we go, and I said to a cruise director, I said, what happened? I never heard of them going back on their word because once they say it, it's over. And they said, oh, well, you see, these ships are rented by European cruise companies during like nine months out of the year. And we go, the captain and the crew goes to those, to those places. Could be Britain, could be whatever, whatever they need it. And she said, we learned that if somebody is essential, then they should get more than an average person. And the captain, he said, liked you. And he said, even if you need to give him my cabin, I want him on the ship. And I went like, wait, wait. You just told me that if you're more talented, you will get more stuff? And they go. Dangerous idea. Yeah. And I was like, okay. I said, mom, dad, we got to start. We got to start being talented. What the fuck? So how did you know the captain? What was your interaction? Have the captain's blessings and honor, especially on the craft. Captain would just come to watch the shows. That's awesome. That's it. And I didn't speak those languages. So my mom was very conservative. She's funny to be watching the show and be like, oh, shit. Fuck, I got to be driving this thing. You hear an alarm go off, you go, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. This guy's so fucking funny. So my mom watched me perform in front of people who didn't speak my, I didn't speak their language because she always thought that I wasn't very smart and I couldn't do well. I didn't do well in school. So it was like, how is he going to go to another country and learn the language? And he's so dumb that he thinks that he can do. Comedy in that language, all of that stuff was in the back of her mind. And here she's watching me do it and watching those people laughing. And they don't understand even what I'm saying. But I guess my timing and facial expressions and then whatever their interpreters tell them, whatever it is, it worked. And then at that point, she said, you know, you may have an international comedy career, and I was like, wow, really, mom? And that's when we started. Oh, that's awesome. Damn, my mom told me to become a teacher when I was 16. I had a club owner. I had a club owner. I bombed so bad. He sat me down. He was like, what do you go to school for? And I was like, history teacher. And he was like, you should do that. I was like, damn. So that's what fueled. Yeah, really. That's what fueled the escape, basically. That's when you guys took off. That gave us a chance. And Jimmy Carter was at that time. He wanted to get some. Russians were starving. There was no food, and they needed some wheat. And so they made a deal. So if you show human rights in Soviet Union, then you can let some people out. We will give you some wheat. So we were basically exchanged for some grain. It's a good deal. Yeah. I thought you were saying wheat. I salute. I salute every time I see a Wonder Bread truck. You know, I go, hey, you never know. Yeah. Yeah. So. One hot commodity for another. Huh? Yes. I said one hot commodity for another. He's saying you and the wheat. Oh, yeah. Both hot commodities. Yeah. America. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. I'm very grateful for that. That's awesome. And that's what allowed you guys to just head off. That's what allowed. Well, it took still. They didn't want people to leave. Even though they so they would put a lot of challenges in front of you. One of them was that if a young person applies to leave, they have to take their parents with them. Most older people would not take that chance. And my dad wanted to get out of there years before my mom ever imagined that. My dad knew it. He was like, he was telling my I remember I was like maybe like seven and we're in this little apartment right in one room and I wake up in the middle of the night and I hear my dad so listening to this huge radios and and he's sitting there with his ear to the radio and I go, Dad, what are you listening to? And he goes, don't let neighbors hear us. This is voice. Voice. Voice of America. Well, and they would jam the signal during the day, but at nighttime they didn't think anybody was listening, so they didn't jam it. And so he would get up and he was like, so now I'm listening to it with him. And so and, you know, it's like the voice. Give me you're tired, you're hungry and you're poor. And I'm like going, I'm qualified. And so that's how what about. What about how did you guys feel about JFK? We was used, obviously, as propaganda immediately as look what they do in in America. They kill their presidents, you know, so they they used everything as propaganda. They used the Charlie Chaplin movies we watch. That's the only American we saw. And so there was always that villain and and this poor guy. Who's getting beat up by the police. And that's America, you know? Yeah. So they was your dad in the military during the Second World War. Yes. Yeah. Dang. That's crazy. Yeah. Sheesh. That's why did he see like was he in battle? He I think he was smarter than that. Yeah. I think he he was in the chemical warfare. So it was smart enough because they never it never it was kind of stupid because you don't know which way the wind is going to go. Yeah. So so if you if you feel right. World War One, they found that out. Yeah. Yeah. So he went into and he got into that. So he was in charge of like having all this gas masks and all of that. So he didn't get hurt. And. Yeah. So. Damn. That's wild. Well, I think we're. We did it. Yeah. Any final any final thoughts? Is it? Oh, we did. We're just talking. I thought I'm going to start rolling. That was great. Any final thoughts? Thank you for having me. Thank you. And I, you know, I don't know if I can I plug stuff. Oh, absolutely. Okay. So I'm going on tour. Awesome. I am on tour. I'm starting September 6 in Oklahoma City at the Breakdown Comedy Club. And then after that, you can go on Yakov.com and all my dates are there. And I hope it's the first time I'm kind of getting out of Branson bubble. So I'm hoping that people will come. I think people will come. I hope so. We'll plug the thing, too. You know what? They'll be able to click your website. Oh, yeah. Cool. Very cool. So thanks for having me. Thank you. Yeah. That was awesome. Thank you. 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