Ep 626 - Oil Boy (feat. Dru Montana & Lemaire Lee)

wow wow wes what do we put the polar bears head in a fishbowl we didn't start i'm not including any of this we don't have to dude we're starting now hey guys what's going on hey matt dude i uh you guys saw i got a case of water before i went out i got the i ordered it on gopuff i got usually you gopuff usually drivers humble lads in this area humble lads and when they hand me usually give me the case i get the big case of mountain valley water and they fucking they'll honestly kind of pump me up a little bit oh it's okay and i'm like bro muy fuerte and it's like kind of a fun thing i enjoy i just i just had the uh misfortune of getting like a unicycle white guy as a delivery guy no grande aguas today i got the grande aguas but it was just nothing but fucking unicycle attitude yeah i call him i'm like yo dude uh i'm coming out where you're at he's like i'm on the corner of blah blah blah and i'm like all right well i'm in the middle of the street dude like like come to the middle oh he's just like all attitude i'm like yeah he had the unicycle around oh good he wasn't on the unicycle i just i know for a fact he's a unicycle white i was like nope i know this guy's unicycle guy dude i remember whatever the fuck it's called what is that what's it's called the unicycle like the one wheel power drone yeah i don't like those i i saw a guy on a unicycle when i was in like middle school and they were like older kids that were smoking weed and i was just hanging around and i was trying to sound cool and i asked the guy if he could do a wheelie on it and they were all like what are you fucking retard like obviously i can't fucking wheelie i was like my bad i'll just go to my mom's or whatever to be fair kind of embarrassing to ride a wheelie list craft yeah right yeah like you guys are fun and also you can technically lean the front up and do that's what i was thinking dude yeah my head a manual you're asking about a man yeah yeah right you can bounce that thing huh pogo stick a unicycle dude they get no air unicycle guys get no air that's why they're so fucking testy they're riding a craft and they get they get the least air out of any riding no air no air whatsoever a flightless bird they are they're like an ostrich this guy was a fucking grump yeah dude i like it's like hey i'm here i'm like all right dude well the it's not what the address doesn't say to sit on the fucking corner dude it's a big ass case of water so i'm like well i'm in the middle of the he's already in the middle of the street i don't know why he said he was on the corner i'm like oh there he's like i'm over here i'm like okay so i go up and then he's like hands me i have the tiny case of liquid death the big mountain valley hands me a liquid death first i'm like okay bro how am i gonna hold the liquid death and grab the key so i'm like put the liquid death deck down on his car yeah brookie and snack and then or i've never built a snowman before yeah clearly yeah clearly oh just nothing but attitude dude not even like i mean again i was just sorely missing my humble lads i put the liquid death down because i'm like dickhead i can't hold that and hold this and so i see he like he's like oh it's heavy i i shouldn't have done this but i was like don't worry the big guns are taking over i gave the unicycle light a tiny barb i said brother the big gun the big guns got it from here man that was bad energy dude you know with some bad energy you need some discipline i gave him some i didn't give him that energy with the big gun especially a guy roughly my same age to be like kind of criminal to son another adult you go watch this i want to call gopuff like why didn't your driver tell me how strong i was when i was taking a case of water i had to big up myself i had to pick up myself because there wasn't a mexican guy there to do it for me but i said the big guns taking over brother don't worry about it i think that's got to be a requirement for gopuff is like you got to be able to carry 35 to 50 pounds i'd imagine i go puffed once and i got an old lady and i had to like help her it was just like 32 waters i had to go to her car and help her like gopuff and i had to like gopuff and i had to like gopuff and i like move it i was like why did i actually just went to the store wait that was your oh you were the you were ordering the gopuff at that point you should just take that old lady yeah she's included yes if i won't get one yeah she's included all right you're coming here too i want an old maid for my house i did uh i did doordash for like one day i got maybe three hours into it and i was already hating it doordash sucks it's like you go into a wendy's and you're just fucking waiting for food and then uh that's the whole experience but i remember i like had halfway through it or because i planned on working for like six hours and i only made it like three but i got the wendy's and fucking i got the shit and it was a full bag and then as soon as i got out to bring it to the guy's house the bottom of the bag just fell out it was like fries and like chicken sandwiches everywhere i was like fuck this and i just went home i just left it on his sidewalk i didn't even text anybody i would have picked up a sandwich and went home yeah that's it i love quitting a job without telling anyone quitting a job might be my favorite that was dude last time i did this pod was like three years ago and it was uh i quit a job it was uh because you hit me up and you were like hey can you do the pod and i was like two weeks in it like this data entry bullshit job that i hated and i was like yeah of course and i went and told my boss i was like hey i have a doctor's appointment forgot to tell you guys she was like you're still in your training period you can't go to the doctors and i go oh fuck so i went back and i sat at my desk for like three minutes and then i was doing like one-on-one training with this girl and i go hey i gotta go to the bathroom real quick and i just i came and did the pod and i never came back that is a sick move it was sick and i i did that at la fitness and then i had to change your heart i was i like just escaped i was just like i'm just gonna dip real quick in the middle of the day and i was like come on dude just at least go tell the guy yeah so i was already in my car and i turned i doubled back went inside i was like hey man he's like what's up i was like going home it was like what i was like yeah i'm just i'm leaving he's like what the fuck man we're the same thing he's like i just trained you you do your tumor training like yeah i'm just i'm leaving you're the same thing he's like i just trained you you do your tumor you can't leave and i was like no i'm leaving i just figured out at least tell you because i was just gonna just like vanish and he was like he was just confused he didn't appreciate it he was confused he was like why i was like i don't like this yeah i'm just going home and he was like you can't go home you can't go home you know it's like i am i just figured out at least tell you that's fair though like yeah i gave him fucking one minute notice they're evaluating you for three weeks it's like but i'm also they're evaluating you so you should be evaluating them you should be like is do i want to stay here also you know yeah but the problem is you lied so hard in the interview this is just the opportunity dude fake resumes and lying in interviews have been my whole job experience i go to end the job interviews and i'm like i know everything you could ever imagine i got references that'll tell you i know everything and then as soon as i get the job they're like he doesn't know excel even it's like basic shit i can't do yeah you're like yeah i just said you waited out for three weeks till i get fired they're like you don't know excel you're like no i'm doing great at this job i used to claim powerpoint hard on my resume because i like used it once in college and i i could like barely drag and drop like a presentable thing into it and i was like very proficient in powerpoint yeah yeah efficient and microsoft suite is on my resume i know none of it dude once you figure i can do like a powerpoint on like my top 10 nba players and that's it it's like i can't do any of the special shit once you figure out animations in powerpoint master i know none of it dude well dude excel is apparently excel you can do all kinds of crazy shit there like when you say you know excel you don't fucking know shit no i can hardly fill out like subheadings in the or like headings in the top and stretch the cells out i can do that but then the numbers get all they start adding i'm like don't add you can do formulas in excel where you type it into one and then it goes a different number into a different thing i have a friend who does that i told them i was proficient and they're like explaining all this shit to me i don't know what do you mean true i never said i was a master yeah job interview and they're also lying to you about how like exciting the job is how many opportunities it'll yield you it's like we're basically catching you in a cage yeah and we're gonna fucking just like steal your life that's exactly what they were trying to do to me and frustrate we're gonna frustrate you and mislead you and try to get the most out of you for the absolute least amount of money and you're like well i want the most amount of money for the job you're gonna need this yeah that'd be kind of nice yeah that'd be sick that would be funny so this job fucking blows soul crushing boring but cigarettes that would be respectable i wrote a sketch like that where like you're in the orientation but like it's like showing you all the perks and one of the perks is like a gimp room instead of like a gym you just can go gimp out you can just like beat the shit out of a gimp during the middle of your work day you know oh i thought you meant wear like a gimp mask you know like you know like a gimp mask you know like a gimp mask yeah yeah but like you know you can go yeah you can either be the gimp or yeah you can be the gimp or get down by the gimp did you make this sketch yeah i wrote it i didn't make it yet i'm looking for somebody to play the gimp so it's like i got a guy what is the gimp what is beating the gimp supposed to do for you just get out yeah are you on the mic yeah i guess it's like a rage room type thing you know like uh but what if it horns you up what if it's like that's what i'm saying that's okay so okay so it's like free use i don't know what to do with it i don't know what to do with it i don't know what to do with on the game so it'd be like a tech company where they'd be like here's a ping pong table open a door and it's basically like free use on the game yeah yeah well no it's gonna do it's gonna do numbers well man you might shake up the industry i mean it's genuinely funny you know going in at google next week i visited facebook and they had like a full arcade and like movie theater and i was like why don't they have a gimp when did you - In 2021, oh, like the dance. before kobe died literally the day before can you just go how did you how did this come about one of my friend's girlfriends used to his ex-girlfriend used to work at facebook so you got to go in yeah i was like i want to go yeah what and they just let you in yeah she just took me yeah what it was a huge campus it was nice yeah it's pretty awesome yeah i could see you rising in the tech sphere it'd be so nice i mean dude just the gimp mask thing alone like i got some ideas yeah what if we got just an absolute sub what about the iphone you know think about it turn it upside down they would love that the iphone turn inverted invert the iphone sometimes the iphone is upside down and you can't even really tell you know what i mean it kind of looks all the same to me true yeah sometimes i try to get my screen horizontal it won't go and i'm like i go what the fuck's happening screen lock's not even on i'm going dude and i like position it i don't know if that's like magnetism or something yeah It's all about the poles dude you gotta face it south i hate i hate computer i am a luddite i hate tech i truly do i i i'm getting my screen time lower and lower i i finally touched sub two hours a day screen time whoa yeah that's my low i'm back up to two two hours a day i mean that's huge man congrats i think i'm like i don't realize it but i'm every day i'm at like seven six or seven or eight hours of screen time i'm like how the fuck does that happen yeah all my screen times is reels really yeah yeah just hours of reels i feel like i mean here's the thing gps if you're driving that kind of adds yeah technically but i do that's just those quick little breaks yeah you don't realize there's like 40 of them a day i just came i like i had to just i was like dude i never feel good when i look at this shit every time i look at it i feel like a dumbass right okay i feel like i've done a really bad drug every time i look at it afterwards i just kind of come down from it i'm like what the but is there any fomo of that for you like well you probably don't know there was a fucking jaguar that attacked an indian guy in a liquor store this morning but it's like that'll be another one of those tomorrow didn't know that swear to god had no idea i mean it is something that happens every day probably but here's the thing if it's big enough i'll hear about it in real life now i know about the jaguar that attacked the indian guy and i can search that out rather than just trolling through an nrc of bullshit that was the video the jaguar comes in he's on 10 immediately he's like ah he pounces on the guy and then the guy fights him off and then the jaguar hides behind some captain morgan bottles he just chills to it yeah it sounds ai no this is real this is in it's in india it's a jaguar this happens can we get it can we fact check let's fact check and why post posted it uh if a guy got pounced on by a jaguar he'd surely be dead no yeah but they carry sticks on them yeah that's jaguar sticks yeah he had a jag stick on him well it's for pakistanis but he had he had his pakistani stick and he just took the jaguar yeah they see each other apparently i mean the border is a big thing they do gangs in new york on the border yeah they like talk to each other and fucking it's the thriller it's a thriller video did this thing really happen yeah they get strict by ai too we can't we can't i mean everything's yeah everything could be ai now but it looks as real as it gets to me dude yeah , if they had made it like much more worse in gruesome then i'd be like this might be fake but if the guy like floated up and like rotating yeah it's a mile he has five fingers so it's a mild jaguar attack i think you might have missed the water buffalo flipping the guy up and he floated into the sky yeah a couple times did you see that the bison you don't see the water buffalo either oh man dude yeah 65 year old guy gets fucking launched by a bison and that's real yeah that's real real though what the hell was he what was he doing to the bison he was just at the park he dude he's running around you ever like get your little brother on one side of the kitchen island and you're on the other and you're trying to catch him he's doing that with the bison like around a tree and then the bison the bison finally pulls up on him oh jesus christ yeah he really did fight a jaguar or leopard leopard yeah leopard yeah yeah same thing dude dang dude i mean what would be sicker i i like fantasize about this all the time of just like a life or death scenario caught on camera where you emerge victoriously mm-hmm oh like over like a leopard and yeah grab that guy snapped its neck that would have been sick that guy's even a guy that guy's getting all the indian pussy right now yeah he's probably bob's being sent left and right bob's for jeep bob's in the jeans in the chair he should be i mean he should be if you fight off a lever in your liquor store yeah it should be something yeah you gotta get sucked yeah you gotta get sucked you gotta get sucked for adults with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms you should be getting sucked yeah you gotta get sucked for adults with Crohn's disease or ulcerative colitis symptoms every choice matters Tramphia offers self-injection or intravenous infusion from the start Tramphia is administered as injections under the skin or infusions through a vein every four weeks followed by injections under the skin every four or eight weeks if your doctor decides that you can self-inject Tramphia proper training is required Tramphia is a prescription medicine used to treat adults with moderately to severely active Crohn's disease and adults with moderately to severely active ulcerative colitis serious allergic reactions increased risk of infections or lower ability to fight them and liver problems may occur before treatment get checked for infections and tuberculosis tell your doctor if you have an infection flu-like symptoms or need a vaccine explore what's possible ask your doctor about Tramphia today call 1-800-526-7736 to learn more or visit TramphiaRadio.com this episode is brought to you by Mint Moe mobile summer sale I was hoping it was oh yeah babies you know what time it is yep right now all of Mint's plans are $15 per month even unlimited whoa so free yourself that's pretty crazy so free yourself from big wireless and their gimmicks dude I can't stand that go to Mint Mobile the gimmicks are crazy go to MintMobile.com slash drench now upfront payment of $45 for three months $90 for six months or $180 for 12 months plan required $15 per month equivalent taxes and fees extra initial plan terms only greater than 50 gigabytes may slow when network is busy includes up to 20 gigabytes of hotspot capable device required and availability speed and coverage varies see MintMobile.com yeah no it would be cool to have one of those situations where you're like fighting off like a life or death situation you just hope somebody's capturing it on video I pray for it every day dude I touched giraffe the other day uh they're like where were you at it was a zoo it's like you were feeding it no I was just I just touched it just let me touch it and I was like this thing could beat this shit out of me yeah they're fucking massive I'm not I'm for real not trying to one of you I fed giraffes not too long ago yeah so sick what do you feed them you just get like a like plants you hand them like a big thing of lettuce and they wrap their purple tongues around it pop it out of your hand it's pretty awesome yeah direct balloons dude no I was actually kind of scared of them too I was like these things are fucking massive you can imagine a horse four times maybe five times the size of a horse with just like a 30 foot neck yeah they're fucking terrifying in real life a fucking Clydesdale with a dinosaur neck the videos of them fighting are the funniest thing how do they you've never seen that they just whip their necks at each other full speed yeah it looks like just all concussions in their fights just nothing but cte and a giraffe fight yeah you would think they're chill but yeah apparently not nah they're they get yeah they rumble nothing's really chill even plants battle my yard my garden's kind of wild right now and I'm watching plants fight I'm watching a lemon balm plant fight a sweet potato plant oh why why are they fighting this for space I can't think fighting for space and resources is a battle for survival do you are you uh do you have like a regenerative garden where you like plant certain plants around other plant like so they grow together or is this just a I kind of do dr frankenstein's laboratory yeah yeah this is my first year gardening dude it's nice to uh experiment I got okra uh onions uh zucchini green beans tomatoes basil and mint oh so you got a big old garden yeah what so what do you do with okra what is that like a bean kind of thing I don't know I had fried okra once in Alabama and I liked it and now I'm growing a bunch of it and everyone's like that shit sucks why are you doing yeah okra sucks it's slimy yeah I don't know what I'm gonna do with it get rid of it that's the one crop here they're like you can grow okra in the summer I was like nah you can grow sweet potatoes in the summer too yeah sweet potatoes are nice I'm doing garlic uh once I pull everything up I'm gonna put garlic in in October and then you grow it through the winter and then hopefully pull it up in May it's awesome I grew garlic garlic's one of the best things to grow and dude it is actually kind of fucked up like when you grow your own when you start to grow even like a little bit of your own food stuff in the grocery store is dead like compared to what you eat when it's like shit it doesn't it well first of all I think uh like store-bought like greens they lose like 60 70 percent of their vitamin c within like two weeks I think even like a couple days they're they're like they lose so much shit well it's like if you pick it if I pick a tomato from my garden I never put them in the fridge I'll just sit it on the window so in the kitchen and it's good for like a week to like 10 days if I buy a tomato from the store and put it in my fridge it dies within 48 hours it's like moldy it's like black it looks like shit well it's been sitting there for fucking right the time it takes to pick stuff sort it out truck it over set it up in the store like come from the warehouse to the store it's just really old yeah my dad was trying to tell me that uh clams have to be eaten the day you you pull them or they're like no good yeah I was like well that's like impossible because it's fucking you live in the middle of new york state where there's not clams for like 600 miles he was like no i'm telling you man that's what happens and then i had to google it for him and they do freeze clams oh yeah he's a freeze drive yeah he looked like a big fucking he looked like a fucking idiot yeah i sunned him so they do the clams die when you freeze them no it's like it's like they're like walt disney i think yeah they're like alligators that's probably i wonder if they do that for oysters too because i always wonder that i'm like how the fuck are they getting these oysters over here right it doesn't even make sense for a person in nebraska to have ever tried an oyster i know unless they're cryogenically walt disney true yeah they have to be yeah unless you got a really like cool plane you know yeah there's no way that's why lobsters market price they fucking dropped it in on like a hell of a they're like the toy story toy soldiers that's where all of our seafood comes from it lands on the top of a children's hospital you just ground all the other planes like hold on we're bringing seafood upscale steakhouses everyone wait just kids on fucking ventilators can't load up the chopper what's that it seems to me this is just chat gpp but it seems to me that the clams and oysters aren't dead when they're being transported they're just they're still alive but they're frozen okay so they live during the freeze walt disney i guess but got you they're not dead because when they die they taste they're bad yeah they're bad so they are i mean i've said it already before when you eat an oyster oysters are alive they're in uh i don't like that as a show on youtube huh if a dance is a show on youtube called ian do where you yeah yeah he was shucking oysters for one and you could like it was crazy because like the guy would like shake it and he'd be like dead like that one's alive like he doesn't hear him that's kind of cool clam clams uh move around with their tongues yeah i think that's mad interesting they'd be licking the sand and like pushing themselves that's how they fucking yeah projectile because i always wondered that you see a clam and you go how the fuck did that guy move at all that's just his tongue it's just the ones that are like is that a clam yeah clams do be like that although think about not that not that i obviously i don't i haven't eaten pussy in like 30 years but i just don't do it it's just you know no i feel you i wish i could hold it down like that i get so jealous of guys they're like absolutely not i wish i had that in me i think my car would be cleaner somehow if i didn't if i refused to eat pussy on principle i'd probably have a clean car yeah everything else is in order it's related it's related eating i mean everyone here i guess eats pussy right i eat pussy yeah sean yes i'm a fan of the stuff yeah can't get enough i do it just for i do them at this point just for fun yeah yeah you know what i mean i'm not even like trying anymore i just i just do it just i just think it's fun talking about eating clams come on exactly that's a crazy thing clams get about by their tongues i i did take a stand against it for a while what eating pussy i don't know i did have like a i'd say like eight month stretch where i was like big against the stuff anti so what what what kind of brought that about just trying to seem cool i don't know just trying to be against the establishment how did how did uh did you so you came up against a woman you refused on principle how did they how did they take that she was actually pretty cool with it i think you think she respected it yeah but here's a here's the thing women think their vaginas are disgusting right so if you're like i'm not doing that they're like yeah it's like a guy's butthole they're like yeah for sure totally understandable yeah they really think that they're like at least in my experience i feel like they're always just like oh don't it's not get down it's like you don't know how nasty i am and it's never that bad if it's if it's really it's it's the ones used where it where it's do you get your ass no i don't never no no never i've gotten like i've gotten the area tickled before but yeah it's never i don't i would never really want someone digging in my asshole my asshole is a fucking disaster i've never had my actual asshole eight but a nice like gooch lick it's i'm like you can go a little further south i ain't gonna stop you you know what i mean but i don't know that i would stop it either but i don't know man it's really you got to get me on a good day oh yeah summertime no there's not a day in the summer i could have my ass your gooch she's nasty as hell dude that's the sweatiest part of your body your gooch yeah i think so yeah that's the sweatiest my forehead gets pretty sweaty not sweatier than your gooch it's all it's in jeans all day yeah you're good although my gooch definitely smells worse for sure my op just told me this thing how to know if a girl doesn't love you if she like uh my op she like saying if she sucks your dick and uh she like she like uh licks the part in between her ass and her ass and her ass and her ass and her ass and between your dick and your balls right there she's she doesn't love you why she's a trick i think it's a trick trick really it's a trick trick it's a trick trick so she told you that yeah tricks of the trade so a woman licks below your balls not below your balls in between your penis and balls so here's the thing mine connect right there so there's really not a big in between area wait i don't really have a big i'm confused now she's saying the like she's saying basically the underside of your shaft yeah no that's good stuff no that's fair game i'm telling you that she's telling me it's the trick trick to hit the unders first of all how she know no offense i know how she knows i know my own peaches dude you don't know how peaches wow i'm peaches though peaches has a hoop so you're saying so here's here's the balls here's the penis man whatever but like you're saying where the penis and balls merge if you lick that part you're getting attacked by a trick it's a trick trick does she even talk about sub balls i'd be curious here she didn't say anything sub balls got you yeah that probably wasn't even thing back then yeah my peaches is crazy but why why would that be such a i don't understand why that would be i don't think that's a problem at all untouched yeah it's it's ignored and it's just like it's probably the most sensitive part of the dick honestly how it's the least no yeah yeah the head is the head is i don't know man you got yeah you gotta get tricked i think mpgs might be a 40 virgin it sounds like you know like the best part like the bottom here the balls is like super she said she loves sap she's what's that oh dude come she calls it she calls it she's like it's good for your skin that's how peaches talks they're tapping the trees how how would these conversations come about would this be like a right thanksgiving and then like uh it's like thanksgiving or something you're talking sap over my my aunts have never told me about their love for sap this is nuts no peaches rules you gotta ask them how much they love sap my friends and peaches was talking sap the other day yeah i brought it up to my mom i was like mom peaches talk about how much she loves sap and my mom was like uh-uh she did that to you too she might be fishing that might be some sap fishing no not for me not for you i wouldn't put the smut on her like that but that's but i mean it's one thing to talk about the medicinal properties of sap i've tried to i've tried to uh promote those as well my babe i'm like yo i think they're like good for you i mean that is uh that is folklore they're like ladies that get cummed on a lot or sapped on a lot they get a they got good skin yeah it's supposed to be a good skin care it's folklore i wouldn't know i do and again this could be it could be fake but i thought i saw a study saying like if women who ingest it it helps them with stuff because it contains testosterone or something a bunch of vitamins probably helps them with everything honestly yeah good for like driving driving yeah it's a glp-1 my sap got ozempic in it yeah i've tried to promote the sap but not trying to hear you gotta get her to talk to peaches i used to uh i used to participate in a little bit of a internet trick trick where uh i never i was never pimping for real but i i did a little thing i had like a six month stint where i was rubbing oil on tits on only fans and um but it was it was the best time of my life because it was like i just got on fire did you walk away from that job one day i didn't show up well wait so you got fired then you started rubbing oil on tits yeah it all worked out perfect but um i would say yeah this lady hit me up and she was like hey i need like help doing uh like camera work for my only fans can you help me out and i was like i'm not gonna like put my dick on the internet that'd be crazy she was like no it's not that all you have to do is like so i would set up a ring light and then i'd just be fucking massaging oil into tits easy but yeah i forget why i said that but it was a good industry she paid me six hundred dollars a week for like six months what dude who was this guy who you i would have killed him i don't know um well she wanted to like make it like a thing she wanted to like she was trying to she was trying to entice you in your life and she was like you only come over when you're getting your money and rubbing oil on tits and i go that was the fucking agreement and also understandably so yeah also too i'd be nervous to date an only fans lady because they could for sure just film you one right it's over well oh that's all right so actually you know you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five months uh well i'm not sure if you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five months uh well i'm not sure if you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five months uh well i'm not sure if you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five months uh well i'm not sure if you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five months uh well i'm not sure if you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five months uh well i'm not sure if you're on soft white underbelly being like yeah i've been in the adult sex industry now for five months he goes yo did you stop working with uh what's her name on only fans and i go how the fuck did you know i was doing that he's like dude i knew it was you you do weird shit with your hands and i was like that's crazy for six months rob was just watching my hands and beating off damn yeah i'm good notes to him but that's a good friend i still love rob the lady the ladies whose tits you were rubbing developed feelings for you yeah and then she wanted you to be her lover and only fan yeah and her co-star yeah yeah you should have taken her only fans over and cut her out of it dude yeah no that would be dastardly you've got like three only fans girlfriends really no only two only two um but really how does this come about um i don't know what kind of circles are you running in the same circles you're running in man we know all the same guys never even heard of these i know zero only fans model no you know one for sure one for sure i think i know who you're talking about the secret filmer maybe no that was a different one oh no no wait i do know okay i only know one i know of whatever i don't know um yeah i don't know we'll chat later that one i was never like involved in any of the stuff though that was just her kind of doing like solo shit and i'd be like you go make your money baby i'm gonna sit in your king-size bed i would watch your hbo max which i don't have in my house and so you are so you're hold on do you connect that loosely to your head as like kind of pimping because you said i wasn't pimping no well i think the first one where you're like uh that's a crazy if you're you can't claim pimping no no oh i think the first one was more like i was at least involved in it but it was like no it was never yeah i was performer i was never your talent yeah i never claimed you're on your i know but you said this wasn't pimping i don't know what was what did pimping have to do with it they were pimping i think if you're yeah true yeah i think where you're like making money off a woman who's doing like sexual acts could be deceived that way i don't know not if you're the oil boy right the oil boy is crazy bro you're not cold enough for this pimping life bro i could never pimp i really could never pimp i wasn't made for it dude i was not cut out i ain't cold enough you gotta bring the ice dude you gotta be the ice guy too the ice guy like nipples not that's why iceberg slim iceberg slim got his nickname he used to shoot coke and it made him the coldest motherfucker he would just shoot coke and just be cold to hoes yeah bitch his scams to get women to like he would call like just hump it you get one bottom bitch and you get her and you're building i think it's called a chili pimp when you only have one hoe you're just a little you're low down chili pimp so what you do is you have your bottom bitch she's humping it pretty good for you but you need more money so then you start writing letters to yourself and spraying with perfume okay and then you start writing letters to yourself and spraying them with perfume okay tell her you got another bitch now you're an apple piece pimp yeah well you're faking the funk so you're going you're you're like sending yourself money and act like you're acting like you're doing western unions yourself okay you're tricking your bottom bitch it's kind of fucked up as your bottom bitch but you start being like i got this other bitch upstate she's making double what your worthless ass is making then you just start like ruthlessly beating her with a clothes hanger and then it motivates her to be to outdo this other lady who doesn't exist right and she makes you enough money so you can actually get another bitch and not only is it really 40s 50s wire yeah he was he was a ruthless guy i still his autobiography might be one of the best books i mean it's fucking evil but it's one of the best books pimp by iceberg slam all right this episode is brought to you by viore guys we've been wearing viore lately it's a game changer the core shorts work for pretty much anything gym errands hanging around the house whatever man and the strato tech t insanely soft you're gonna want to wear it 24 7 everything is comfortable but looks good at the same time it just works it just works get 20 off your first purchase at viore.com mssp and discover the versatility of viore clothing exclusions apply visit the website for full terms and condition this episode is brought to you by takovas lately i've been getting more into boots there's something about wearing a good pair that just you become more confident at least that's how i feel when i put on my takovas they're super comfortable right out of the box no break-in period needed i've used them for all kinds of plans weddings barbecues concerts you name it their western boots and sandals are handcrafted with premium leather and perfect for hot weather too if you got a takovas store near you definitely stop by whether it's your first pair or your 50th you'll find your new favorites right now get 10 off of takovas.com slash matt and shane when you sign up for email and text that's 10 off at t-e-c-o-v-a-s.com slash matt and shane seaside for details takovas point your toes west but guys please please please i beg of you i'll be doing stand-up uh august 7th and august 8th san jose california come on guys ticket sales oh boy now every else everywhere else is looking decent but san jose california i get it it's not great it's summertime um but if you want to come come august 13th and 14th spokane washington then i'll be in portland maine boston massachusetts royal oak michigan milwaukee wisconsin charlotte jacksonville atlanta chattanooga port lauderdale tampa orlando and a bunch of other places guys go to matt mccusker.com to get tickets i'll be touring all through december uh i'm in a columbus ohio august 13th uh janesville wisconsin august 14th and 15th and a big show in philadelphia next in line august 7th so please pull up to any of those uh denver denver in september what oh yeah and uh we'll creek in the cave tonight put the time machine on let's go and uh check out do ragging the deer tag and digital bazooka love you guys thank you hey guys it's sean gardini and lamar lee uh me sean gardini i'll be at good night's comedy club august 27th and then charleston south carolina wits end uh august 28th through and the 29th so please come to that please come to optimum noctis joke world fest please please thank you and lamar lee hey i'll be in savannah georgia july 31st uh harrisburg boston bridgewater vermont portland maine the bell house in brooklyn dojo comedy joke girl fest please come hang out you guys it's going to be a lot of fun all right thank you guys for listening have a good night how many uh so how many did he end up getting into the system a whole gaggle of hoes yeah once you got that bottom bitch humping for him for real and he got enough money to get himself a nice car then he got a lot of the hoes and then once you it's like they're like magnets once you have two hoes getting the third one's easier than the fourth one's easier right well going from one to two that's the real that's tough yeah that's a real pimp's quest they always say making your first million is the hardest hey that's exactly like yeah that's good that's how i've heard i'm only i've only ever personally read about pimpin yeah but i knew a guy who was like hanging out with a pimp was just it was like this dude i knew yeah he just got on the drugs and he was just like and i could tell because we're hanging out he's like dude i've been hanging out with this guy he's a pimp but he's pretty cool and i was like okay you're definitely back on drugs dude naeem's cousin is a pimp and he brought him to raven lounge one time i kind of remember hearing about that and he uh he was just outside like telling my boy ben stobb who had a very funny comic that i used to live with he uh this guy was just outside raven telling ben he's like yo you trying to get your dick sucked tonight and ben's like fuck yeah i am and then the guy's like all right i'll be right back and he brought this prostitute up to ben and like expected ben to give him like 300 bucks ben's like what i'm not i don't know the guy went and got naive he's like yo you gotta get your fucking man before you get smoked out here like he was gonna kill ben for the offer of a just for being honest like obviously i want to get my dick sucked tonight i thought we're just bro and dad also kind of sus if a guy comes up like trying to get your dick sucked i'd be like what's it to you brother what the fuck none of your business ben was like a young man at the time i think he was like 22 23 so he was like just bright-eyed bushy-tailed new to the city and he's like pinocchio yes sir i'd love to get fellatio yes sir i'd love to get my penis sucked do you too i was like i'll fucking kill you don't give me money yeah you can't we did that uh our rugby team we like we're in dc and we called a prostitute to our coach's room we thought it was funny but that was apparently a thing the pimp was outside the pimp was none too please yeah they're not cool you can't just have hoes being driven around yeah someone's got we thought it was a funny prank but he our coach was fucking furious because we basically incurred a pimp's wrath against him yeah he was just like what the fuck are you guys he was so mad that guy was the best he was the best you could have got him killed yeah we should have done that we were why when we when we saw i'll never forget it was me and like four or five other people on my team just watching the car pull up and these two women who were obviously prostitutes get out we were just like oh it's going down he was fucking angry i i remember when back page was popping this is in like 2014 to like 16 that was my back page didn't trump shut it down yeah trump's did he trump's admin shut down back pages i'm pretty sure yeah shut down around around that time because i think like 2016 was the last time i was uh definitely wasn't obama's freaky ass it was uh it was such a cool time because like you'd get on this website and it was like craigslist and then you'd buy it and then the person would show up and they almost every time looked nothing like they did in the pictures and you go well i'm already here and i know there's a guy with a gun in the parking lot who am i to complain right now true sure let me not be rude dude we don't want to be rude we had this lady come uh because my friends from upstate new york they used to come down and see me all the time in philly because back page was a thing and they were like we're gonna just come down for a weekend chill at drew's apartment so my friends would come down and uh i'd let them all like sleep on the couch or whatever it'd be like a car full of bros just coming down to get back page pussy and i remember one time my friend casey he uh they had an early flight out of the philly airport so this lady came over and whatever it happened and i went out in my living room the next day and all the bros were gone and there were footprints on my ceiling like muddy shoe prints on the ceiling and i called casey and i'll go because i know he was the one that fucked the lady in the living room i go how the fuck did you guys get footprints on my ceiling he just started laughing hilariously and he hung up and he's still never told me i don't know i don't know how it happened like a standing 69 how high are your shoes that maybe like eight foot but like i don't know if you'd get her up on yeah they're a little shorter than these ones that's crazy it was still like i have no idea what sex move could have been done where a woman's feet hit the ceiling may i suggest a move yeah you got them up like here but to keep her balance she has boots on because she's not quite tall enough to have her hands but what are you you're eating her ass from behind while she's yeah i don't even i don't even believe this there's no way the power bomb position she's up here yeah but from what on top you'd have to be on a bunk bed dude no i'm saying you hold her up and like you're standing up no bro i like i like the dirty work boots that she has on in this i think the shoes probably got thrown at the ceiling that's honestly the more i think about it like the older i get i'm like it had to have been that and they're fucking with wait did it look like this like were they like both in a row they were right next to each other where feet would be yeah so that's like that's like the throw unless he like went up there and like stamped them and was like this will be funny like it seems more likely there's no way he got back page pussy that high off the ground they're terrestrial creatures dude they're not fucking they're not acrobats they can get out of like a car and like walk in a semi-straight line to a front door that's about it's about as far as yeah i didn't even think about that they're not aerial at all no not once like you try to do what for eighty dollars you have to talk to the fucking hunter bite it pussy like that you go out to the pimp you're like you mind if i lift her up truly yeah the pimp will get all osha on you like you can't get her four feet off the ground that'd be posha would be coming at you it's purple yeah dude the uh that is very funny back pages is incredibly funny shut down just got all shut down you guys remember plenty of fish plenty of fats i used to call it yeah i remember plenty of fish i don't know plenty of fish was sweet yeah because you know why because you could just chat you could just be like what up right away yeah it would just generate like a text message yeah plenty of fish was a kind of like a tinder before tinder right yeah you could you could match you could chat without matching basically okay so it was just like it would it was just a blank canvas you could just hey hey hey yo rather than waiting for the match yeah it was perfect craigslist it kind of was just a lot of where you from yeah plenty of fish kind of ruled honestly yeah i liked plenty of fish well there was one uh i saw a documentary about one of the dating sites where it was like for married people and they got exposed oh ashley madison yeah yeah yeah that seemed like it that was like a nightmare that was like the affair the fair dating site i went on a plenty of i think there's plenty of fish to eat one time and i like it was truly like i mean there's obviously people look a little different than the pictures this person must have gained like 80 pounds like they were unrecognizably obese and i and i like showed up at their parents house yeah that was gonna be fucking rude so i was like yeah come on let's go and we had we just like drove around all night and like ate pizza something like it was like a fucked up area it sounds like a pretty good date though it was it honestly honestly was pretty chill she took me through what is it huntington park i think yeah and was just like showing me all the streetwalkers and stuff like this is nothing but streetwalkers up here at nighttime we just like watched the streetwalkers pretty cool and we sat in my car and just chatted yeah did a shot like with her family before i left i was like this is fucking crazy yeah she was big yeah big lady and i was it was almost such it was such a different picture they almost respected it i was like you pulled a caper on me dude yeah i've gotten one of those two where you show up and they're like lady that's old man jenkins wasn't even going for hot i was going for like pretty run in the middle yeah you pulled a scooby-doo mask off i would have got away with it if it wasn't for you meddling kids i didn't dude i didn't have the heart to in front of the family i was like come on let's go babe let's get out of here i had one of those one time but this i stopped using like tinder and all that shit years ago because i was just never good at it i'm not good at like even if i match with somebody i don't know what to say it's a fucking game see that was my my my way with words was my strongest no i'm better i used to love my my mental games on tinder were just it was no one stood a chance i mean most people stood a chance but my i would i would always just send just a regular i wouldn't try to overthink it be like hey or whatever they didn't respond i would go you have 72 hours to respond before i fall into the arms of another oh and then that would dude i gotta i got a friend uh he's black uh he has a he has a thing when he matched with white girls on tinder he'd go what about jasmine and they'd be like what's that and then you go the name of our daughter i would do i would do nothing but mind games the whole time just be like dude honestly i wouldn't even i would go i am i'm grieving the fact that we're not hanging out and i just i'll be here but not forever i won't wait forever for you yeah my heart can only take so and i would just say the and it worked and it's dude honestly i remember tinder you would get nothing nothing nothing and then right around thursday friday that's when women start having their wine after work it's a little like and then they start then all the responses came right around like this almost the same time everybody like oh the old yuppie the old yuppies are getting brave like the girl minds just activated the girl mind activates on like thursday friday yeah they can't even monday tuesday wednesday they can't even and then thursday they're like thursday they go and then friday they go i think i'm gonna hang out with this guy i i swear to god it's like a trend no you're right they do like center city sips i'm doing center city sips with my friend talking to a guy on tinder can't be bothered unless i mean i'm sure if you were like six foot seven they'll respond they talk to all the six foot five guys on monday tuesday wednesday right and if none of them then they reply to the subhuman such as myself sub six humans the weekends are for sub six i guess he's all right they have wine goggles on tinder like that's all right he's an inch taller than me he'll be fine i won't wear tall heels i went through my whole life not knowing height was a thing forgot like i didn't know even women cared about height yeah i was like 31 really got through my whole life i didn't never even thought about it how'd you how'd you miss that i just never even thought about it never it never was brought to but i mean i'm i'm like i'm not super short but i'm by no means tall at all right now my whole family's like way taller than me too but i never even like it wasn't until i was on those apps or they must be six feet and over and i was like the hell's that about yeah i like looked into it i'm like oh that's like a desirable trait i didn't even i just didn't know it had something to do with like dominance and being protected i think ladies are stupid it's all like uh ancestral shit yeah i think so i think it is uh i mean tall guys by the way get paid more right on average tall guy there's a there's a uh height wage gap as well i'm about to get one of those knee surgeries fucking get paid so much the problem with the limb lengthening surgeries it's it's uh they'll never figure out how to do it like proportionately yeah i mean i'm five six more inches of legs i think that would just make me look fucking weird you know what i mean like why is his torso and head so small in arms like i gotta go back a year later and do the arms six foot three with like a 21 all legs yeah i look like a giraffe with no neck yeah i think the most i think you can only get like a couple inches at a time pause like two three pause yeah you can only get like yeah a-o i don't think you could go like super i mean that'd be cool i mean i would just go full prosthetic at that point it's like metal fucking splints in my legs i think that'd be the move too because then you can uh i don't know there's so many like more lies in there i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know guys you could get away with with prosthetics if you're just a guy with like goofy long legs for no reason and scars it'd be like the fuck's wrong with him idealistically i want wheels that turn into the legs right are you trying to be a transformer yeah no i feel i said right like i understood you and i do i go yeah lamar be optimist subprime i was just thinking about it wheels you want wheelies for feet well yeah because then like you could go fast and they could slow down bro if you rolled up on a chick with have you wheeled up they would they would fucking freak but then like it transforms into legs and then you wheel up like regular stature and then you go and then you just tower over naeem naeem asked me this the other day and i think it's the greatest question i've ever been asked would you uh would you be five foot three for the rest of your life if you had vince carter's full dunk package yeah like you can do fucking 360 yeah under the legs windmills stick my arm in there but you're five three how long do i have it for forever forever yeah you know you never lose it you have the bunnies forever bunnies don't go anywhere i'm going bunnies yeah i'm thinking but this is the easiest choice i've ever had to make if i'm five three just ah everything i don't know i would decline i might decline that i i have i'm gonna hit with a scenario so if you this is what i always think about so if you were with say you had a wife or a girlfriend for every 10 pounds she gains it unlocks a new freaky act like something you've never done before and you're like oh my god i'm gonna hit it with a scenario so if you ever even thought of or done how deep into the how heavy would you get well what else can it's just mine it's another mind blowing it's a mind blower where is she how where is she starting like is she a slim is she a slimy or is she like kind of thick already that's a good question let's say let's say she's average weight you know like let's say like just a little bit of a thicky nothing crazy okay like my question is though it's a question is how deep would you go if she goes and goes right because you want to unlock the next level because there i guess there is infinite possibilities but it's also like i guess after like a woman who's now 10 pounds heavier eats my ass one time am i going to be like now i got to see what the next thing is you know what i mean it could be a double blow job she could invite herself oh yeah but all right well then so it would just it's a whole universe if you have to be fat like i don't have to match the weight or can you get her so freaky she starts bringing that's up to your werewolf fat wife you don't know that's the problem it's literally pandora's box i think once she gains 500 pounds we're like 50 freaky acts into the the substance then that's when like the the fine shit starts coming out she brings around skinny hot chicks again it's like uh and when like uh if you make if you help her lose weight does she like stop doing that act oh damn yeah yeah for every pound you go down and it's just a one-time thing it's just like a new thing no because if a if a lady just has loose skin and she's not a freak then what's the point you know what i mean i'll keep her fat that's a freaky act in itself she could suffocate you with it that'd be nice yeah well i guess this is also that you could kill like superman yeah nanobots down your throat by the end of this scenario i'm just gonna be in a gimp suit with a 500 pound wife so it's gonna be squished i did when i worked for verizon i did a door-to-door verizon sales for a little bit another job that i just quit and didn't tell anybody but um i was doing i met a dominatrix one time and i was like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this and she told me that uh dude she was like the biggest ugliest not being mean to ladies but she's a rough looking woman and uh she told me that she made like thousands of dollars a day just like beating the shit out of ceos and like sitting on them and like stepping on their balls and uh i didn't believe her at first because she was so rough looking but she got like the full verizon package she got like fucking 200 speed internet like five cable boxes she has the two gigabytes and shut you the hell up i bet you had like six cable boxes i said damn she gave money you want hbo she said yeah give me hbo i said damn she'd probably be stepping on dude's dicks yeah that's crazy that uh they they do that the dominatrix is definitely i i'm real into financial domination and um when they just yeah when they just go like give me your money you fucking bitch and you're like oh fuck yeah you do it no i would never no but it just makes me laugh to be financially dominated so fucking funny because you were the last time you were single you were poor right yeah yeah all right no i should take that back i was i was always kind of balling on the low okay no but i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie i'm not gonna lie but i had i had ups and downs for sure yeah so when when you were single was there ever like a cent moment where a lady told you to send her money and you just did it with no reward uh yeah there was a time i've definitely i would fall into this at the strip club every now and again where you were just like you'd have a stripper come by and be like oh this and that and then strip club can i have 100 i'm saying after the oh okay we would meet outside uh but she would be like i remember i would like give one thing to that like if there was like oh i can have 100 bucks the first time like okay and then after that i'm like now you're out of here i one time i dm'd her and she just sent me her like a screenshot of her venmo and i i was like i'm kind of drunk when i did it but i sent her 20 bucks thinking like this will move the needle she just double tapped i said i think like something like just sent it and then she just like double tapped that and we never spoke again dude i was thinking about so funny talking about strip clubs because like do you just get horny at a strip club to go home and fuck your wife like is that like it like what do you mean no well dude there's i don't get it hopefully you get jerked off or something there there's there's a bunch so there's like it's all about the different strippers some of them are there just to dance and they're all above board then there's the ones that are kind of tricky and ho but yeah you're gonna get like stroked by the girl that's been stroking guys all day that's the plan yeah yeah that's exactly the plan kind of something like that i mean i don't think about the other guys but yeah because they make you think like it's only you that's the whole thing but then there's so there's there's the in club but then there's the other level where they're like they'll get you to be like i like you let's hang out outside and they will hang out outside and they'll slowly start seeing how much money they can get out i can't i can't i can't fall trapped to the strip club matrix it doesn't work on me really yeah it doesn't work on me not at all not at all i just go true you took a good pill they're strapped in i go leave me alone no there's there's a world like a lot of strippers have like very casual old guy boyfriends that are just sending tons of money and it's like i think they'll give them like a taste once yeah and then be like my fucking car blah blah blah you have like four or five of those guys and you just keep getting new ones new ones yeah the sugar daddy cycle yeah yeah i i don't even look at their tattoos like i try not to look at it because like uh sometimes they might have a tattoo that's something i like you go oh and you're like no that's a trick that's a part of the whole fucking game is that a naruto tattoo on your pussy how so do you go to strip have you been to a strip club in recent eras yeah recent times yeah so what do you do when you go there you just sit there like a very stolid i'll sit outside and look at my phone just like yeah or i'll sit at the bar yeah yep and be like get out of here now yeah what about when they because they come around the strippers come around and they'll try and like bring you to the back so if one approaches you what are you saying i'm okay yeah yeah me and the mayor posted up pretty hard one time at the strip club they would come up and try to get money we would go we don't have any more money you're just watching videos on our phone today in the back how do they respond it is huffed away they just stopped they stopped showing up yeah they get mad we gave all our money to the first lady and then like oh we forgot we set a trap now they all think we're gonna have money oh it's so you can't just hand her like 41 bills in a stack you gotta like make them rain and shit yeah that was our mistake yeah you just did like a transaction you paid it like it was rent you can also chill and just be like i don't have any money i'm sorry yeah yeah i wish i had if i had it i'd give it to you babe you know i remember one time i went to shoot club and tried to hand oh i don't have any money i'm sorry yeah i wish i had if i had it i'd give it to you babe yeah i went uh to strip club and i like tried to give a lady a dollar she was like throw it at me and i was like what i don't want to do that take this that's crazy yeah guy eat gianna michaels spit yeah off the star crazy yeah she like was deep though is that in philly see see damn you guys should call the jenna michaels yeah she was intense and sophie d oh my god she was outside of the like the harrisburg comedy zone so she she was like deep throw it like a nightstick and then when she pulled it out her mouth there's a bunch of like drool came out with it dude who was in front of the stage dragged his finger through it and then just like put it put it right in his mouth he's probably dead now yeah that's the thing it's like you think you're horny there are horny fucking out there i saw the same thing as show and tell in philly i remember they had their live dildo show at midnight saturday that's a good time it's where they where they put the double in and they fuck each other with it well they also they're like visibly heroin addicted ladies yeah they're just like meth faces it's really a very sore they all smell like red bull for some reason you guys are promoting it's a very sore site and i remember this lady was like jamming herself and then she would take it out and like wave in the crowd and every dude was like yo whoa - Dude, for real, dodging it like a fucking lightsaber. like don't don't touch me with that and there's one guy dude i for he was this drunk older guy and he was just like i'll fuck i'll fucking suck that thing right now and i remember we're like no you fucking won't he's like give it to me i'll fucking suck that thing right now i'll fucking lick it i'll lick that thing and we're like oh no but he was like actively trying to fucking get the juices off i'm like dude like a for real crack at old prostitutes it was it was like sad and i remember being like dude no yeah there's guys out there that will fucking go to town like it doesn't even hold a candle yeah no shame at all yeah no it's not it's like not even close that's so funny yeah i remember seeing that guy he was so so fucking funny show and tell is nuts it's closed now right yeah show and tell used to have uh they would have the 18 and up side or like 21 and up and then 21 to 18 side yeah and all all that was separating it was just like glass panes so you could see through it and we brought my brother because i remember i looked up like 18 and up strip clubs and uh show and tell came up i didn't realize they were separated so i brought my brother to show and tell when he was 18 yep and uh it was me and my cousin and like a couple of my other friends sitting on the other side like just having the time of our lives looking section i think yeah yeah we were looking at like the double-sided dildo show and like we're all like this is awesome and then uh we saw my little brother was like uh pressed up against the glass just looking through he's just so sad he's drinking sodas by himself he's like i want to come see the double dildo show i was like luke you stay over there dude he's a puppy in a window yeah that that place was like complete mayhem man show and tell i don't think there will be anything else like that no it was just a strip club like right outside of rent called buck rubs it was byob and there used to be this like fat black lady there who she didn't get like a lot of tips for dancing but the way she used to make her bread was she was just had these giant titties and you would give her like ones and you would just point people out in the strip club and she would just go up on the side of them and just boom just like smack the right jackass three just knocking dudes out from behind i think her name was candy if i remember right really did you ever see the uh did you ever see a show like a not like a birthday party or a bachelor party at show and tell when they would like take the guy up and beat his they would beat the guy's ass like they would like really hurt you if that happened to me on my the day i graduated from college we went not at show and tell we went to this place called just enough in bridgeport and uh names of so we called it the boot because it was a giant fucking like uh light up boot outside of it but yeah did they told they told the strippers they were like he just graduated from college and i was like oh my god i'm gonna go to the strip club and i'm gonna go to the strip club and i was like i don't want to fucking do this i don't want to and my cousin was like nah they'll be cool dude it's just like a lap dance mind you like my mom and my dad were in there it was fucking weird and then uh they brought me to this fucking chair on the stage and they handcuffed me behind me and just started beating me with belts yeah that's what they do at show and tell i was freaking out i was like stop stop it was embarrassing it was more embarrassing like spazzing than getting beat that's exactly what they do at show and tell they would just take your shirt off and they like dance on your lap and the guy would be hammered just like and then they would take a belt and start like ruthlessly fucking beating you with belts on the day i graduated man i was like proud i was like i'm the first male in my family to get a degree and they go let's fucking get him beat by strippers let's put those ladies and put fucking ass into it i mean it's like a very deeply frustrated single mother yeah just fucking just taking out all the frustrations on like an 18 year old it's like and they would people would freak out like stop yeah that was me i was spazzing yeah it's not funny it sucks it's it's also like why why what the fuck it's like it's like i get you know the naked ladies but there's a part of it that's like yeah we want to see young men get the shit kicked out of them too yeah i'll see a young man get whipped until he cries on his birthday at the strip club i've never been into uh like on either side whether it's like me inflicting pain on somebody or like a woman like trying to hurt me during sex i'm out on all of it i hooked up with this girl one time that like wanted me to like slap the shit out of her and it made me so uncomfortable i felt like i was getting like tricked the whole time i was like nah like chris hansen's gonna come in here so maybe not chris hampson but like the guy who does that for guys who hit one steve wilkos comes into my bedroom so how did you navigate that did you do like any baby slaps i did and she was like hit me hard or hit me she was like you're a fucking pussy and then uh i was just yeah i was like i'm not gonna i was like you're baiting me into this and then i kind of just like politely came and was like we're not gonna do this anymore that's nice yeah i'm not into the rough stuff i i personally would if i had to choose one or the other i would rather receive pain than dole it out really like a bite i wouldn't mind a little love bite personally a bite's nothing yeah like a little scratch that's fine bite scratches all don't fucking choke me or slap me that's insane sure i've never been choked i don't know if i like it i can't speak on it yeah getting also it's like i don't think a girl could choke me i'm not bragging but i'm pretty sure if i flex my neck veins i genuinely don't think a girl could choke me if you tried do you like being choked lamar uh no you're the choker dude you're the choker no way that wasn't for me wait what's the dog collar uh i don't know where it's at how much respect do you think you get if you walked a white lady on a dog collar through the hood oh it's a dream and had her fucking like pull at people and like get over here and start biting the mailman bring a rabbit snow bunny that'd be so nice i might do that then you'll be pimp the whole little be talking about he was walking a white girl there's like a dog walker we have like four dogs in one leash that'd be so nice just outside the mothership with girls on a leash i mean the pog walker i'd be a very sick rain bet video and the pog walker you pog walked dude yeah on like lancaster ave in philly it would be a sensation i mean a rain bet video is so funny just walking girls being like yeah and see if i bet ten dollars on calci right now i mean dude they would lose their minds yeah that would be i mean it might be out of respect take off your kangle yeah the the best rain bet videos wait rain bet is where it's like just a random video and then i promote yeah yeah dude the best one i've seen is uh there's this guy he uh the the double dasher have you seen him if you're off the internet you might not have seen the double dasher dude he he gets people to door dash to him and then uh these people like bring the food up to him and he grabs the bag of food and just punts it across the lawn he goes you fucking double dashed me you're playing in my face i know you're double dashing and they all go what and then he he starts handing them like thousands of dollars he'll give them like a pile of money and then it's always like some ridiculous shit he'll like pull like a rubber chicken out of his pants and be like you want this and they're always terrified but when he when he punts the food it's the funniest he gets a full bag of wendy's and boom people are like why'd you do that he's like you fucking double dashed me and then he gives them money you know how insulting it is watch the one punt kick the fucking thing you made it's ten dollars for you that's ten dollars worth of your time yeah you just watch the guy punt kick it might be less than that i don't ask for three hours dude sometimes you get like four bucks per delivery it's like you know i'd be scared it'd be kind of scary because you're like this guy's gonna shoot me now yeah this is the first thing you know he's he seems out of his fucking mind when you hear the videos that's so crazy you're you're less valuable than the food like if you work for door dash true yeah you better be because i'm not trying to pay double on the food you have to be this is the way it works it is funny this is a person's time you're like it's not worth as much as like fried vegetable oil yeah well drew i think we did it this has been fun thank you lemare yeah thank you very much sliding into the patreon what we will check out our durag and the deer tag digital bazooka yes also we're gonna uh we're gonna follow up on the outer space thing oh nice let's go i labored over it all week excuse me i farted all right watch new episodes of matt and shane secret podcast on spotify do it endless summer escapes start here travel the worlds of netflix irl inspired by fan favorites like stranger things and squid game brave the upside down face off with the front man play leveled up arcade games shop exclusive merch and enjoy themed food and drinks beat the heat play eat and shop on repeat at netflix house at galleria dallas bring your crew and save get your tickets now today at 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