Ep 607 - All Guys Welcome (feat. Sam Tallent & Shawn Gardini)

Wow wow wow Wes. Nice and long, like I'm your lover. Breathe in. Breathe out nice and long. Yes. Got it all. That sounded like the whole spine cracked. Yeah that was nice. You got the top there. It was right in my hunch. You want one? I'll take one. You don't have to grab one. Okay now breathe out. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Nope. Too tight. You're fucking tall meat. Too tight. You're not rigatoni Tony. I'm all foam. I'm too stylish. It's like wringing out a sponge. Hello. Are we fired up? Oh hell yeah. Perfect. Beautiful. Well yeah I'm I uh the first time I went to an escape room I was like oh my god. I'm like oh my god. I'm like oh my god. I'm like oh I was like pure da Vinci code going like too deep into the details where I'm like counting the branch like the leaves on the fake tree. I did the paneling on the on the wood grain. I was like there's something in the grain. They're like no there's just like a series of pegs in the wall. If you take one out you're like oh okay well fucking if I knew it was like for dumbasses. We were in there for an hour dude with all of my wife's like second year medical school class and like time ran out and I was like okay well we didn't get out of the room. You know a big deal. And then the doctors are like can we see the rest of it. And I was like rest of it. There was like 12 more rooms in there. We didn't even get into what. And then like the lady who runs it's like did you check this drawer. And everyone was like no. But we did like take a duct off the fucking ceiling and like we pulled up this rug. It was actually like nailed down. Oh I should check this drawer. The keys in there. So embarrassing. Did you guys ask for hints. No. I would love to hit. Yeah. But no I'm in there with young doctors. Yeah they won't do it. Of you know a lot of like. First generation Americans in there. Communication issues abound. And then just a bunch of like beaten men who are like oh I like football too. You know like like the husbands of female doctors. Yeah. We need a support group bro. I would I would agree. I dated a doctor briefly. I remember her being very intense. Oh dude. Like specifically around like I remember her being like a little bit kind of like in a funk one day. And I was like you know basically the problem was she just had the wrong answer in class. And I was like that's it. And she was like dude it's like humiliating. Oh yeah. To get the wrong answer. I was like dude that sucks. Oh it's never ending. I had like a 10 percent hit rate in class. I was wrong all the time. Yeah. But they'd be like no no not not exactly no. And I was like all right well I participated. That's for my grade. I'm good. I'm in good standing. I tried. I'm like the rest of the cowards in here. You're holding the book upside down. At least I did the reading. I was big on that. I would I would really fire up because there is like a weird tension in school where like no one will like raise their hand first and take a stab. And I would I would take a stab. Now imagine heightening that with a bunch of people who were like first in their class and then first in their class again in college. Now they're all in one room competing for like you know the prowess and the prestige of being like the number one nerd. Smart. Yeah. And you get like three cocktails in them and they're in an escape room. And it's just all this shit coming out. The hierarchy is on display. The bureaucracy is there. Like you see who's like actually who people are looking to as like the leader. Yeah. You're watching like an Indian woman like the father her father's love leave her mind. Yeah. She like fails to get the clue. She's like flashing back to Holly Fest when she was 13. She's covered in colorful chalk. Why aren't I there? I could have sold mangoes. I've been free. Now I'm in Henderson, Nevada. Yeah. I wonder I wonder when the what what generation will the Indian and Chinese rebel against the like academic strictures of the culture. I think we're getting there right now. That's where Shen Yun is. Yeah. Shoot. I love Shen Yun. We're tired of being doctors. We want to flip around. I always laugh thinking about following Shen Yun like the great people did and just go to all the cities selling grilled cheeses. Yeah. It's like dumplings in the parking lot. Yeah. Looking for a miracle out of Shen Yun. Yeah. I want an Asbury Park Shen Yun ticket. I'm excited to get just you get old enough to see some like American bred Asian punks. Yeah. I've just like you know like the cool Japanese guys in like Tokyo Drift who are like oh you think you could beat me in a race. We're getting there. We are getting there. I think so. I went to high school with some of them especially Indians. Indians. Oh yeah. I call them like like they love the Miami Heat. Yeah. They love LeBron James. They like really attach themselves to black culture. Yeah. Coca-Cola. Yeah. Hamburger cigarettes. Yeah. They just love advertising that they saw in Lebanon. There's like I don't know. They're not actually like punk rockers with like you know Mohawks and stuff. But like I do think there's like the young at least they are in Detroit. There's like the young Indian Middle Eastern type guy who like has the all black like sweats on with flip flops all the time. OK. They're not like you know they're not like they're not you know like I like to listen to crass and huff glue but they are kind of like hey mom I'm just going to like smoke this vape cart and like be online all day. And that's their rebellion instead of like studying like their sisters did. True. So I don't think it's going to be like this like big like pushback fuck you rock and roll flag burning. Yeah. It's more just like this like quiet like OK. Like that kind of pissiness to your mom. Yeah. They're just not. They're not just getting down with the. But then those guys they end up driving Uber like ninety nine hours a week. So dude it's crazy. They'll pick you up and they're like yeah you're like my 19th ride. I'm like dude it's 6 a.m. I know. Well I get up at 3 a.m. and then I pick people up and then I switch to the Lyft app because it cuts me off after 12 hours. Right. It's just like bro I figured out how to drive 26 hours straight. What hour am I. Twenty five. Their eyes are cake. They look like fingernails. I've been to the airport 12 times today. Dude it's. Yeah. Those those like lifer Uber drivers that have just completely cracked the code. I'm always like kind of freaked me out a little bit. I made like four grand this week. I'm like fucking. Now. Yeah. They're grinding. They're breaking all the rules. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Like I feel like those dudes who have like the Uber hacks and they drive forever like that is like their first financial freedom and they're really stoked on it. And then you get in the car and you ask them one question and then they like show you like all the YouTube videos that they watch to figure out how to like maximize their time. It's like your whole life is being a car drone. Yeah. You've optimized your human form to get your Waymo. Yeah. Yes. Which is what you call it. Right. Well Waymo's here. Watch your purses. No. Now Waymo's are here. Yeah. And the and the what the Tesla ones the Tesla bots or whatever. The Tesla ones I think are still learning. OK. Like they have to be driven and there's another brand that's still learning and has to be driven. And someone else said this but it's funny because the people who drive them are just regular people. So they pick up on like bad driving habits like they like roll red lights and things like that. Yeah. I've been peeping the Waymo's are getting aggressive. I've been seeing those things drive and they'll like if someone stops they'll like whip it around and go around them. And you know I got like not cut off by one but I was like oh it's designed to let me go. Like I figure like if you play chicken with the thing it's just going to let you go. So I went to cut and it was like and I was like oh shit. OK. There's a ghost in the machine. I think there is a ghost in the machine. Yeah. In San Francisco they're just getting torched all the time. Really. I was at Cobb's like last weekend and they were just dudes talking about like their friends going out with like homemade Molotovs and smashing them on Waymo's. Like why. I don't know. I have no idea. It's like the Pokemon Go phenomenon where like they mapped entire cities for free because they put Snorlax's in weird places. Yeah. True. Yeah. So it's like who owns this. Who knows the alleys that I take every day. Yeah. You're going to put a fucking slow poke in there. Yeah. But it's also like your phone. We've you've mapped. I would probably mapped everything in your phone. I think I think they have everything of me. Yeah. And I willingly consented and given it to him because I didn't want to read any terms of service. Yeah. Bro. The terms of service are crazy. I also think that puts the face on the dog. Also you can still read the terms of service and then you still have to click yes. Right. There's still nothing. Have you actually read them? It's a complete waste of time. Right. You print them off. You like redline them. Send them back to their lawyer. You can't call your lawyer and be like yeah well let's let our people talk for a little bit. Right. Yeah. Let's hammer this out. Let's figure out this deal. I'm making a deal with Apple right now. You just have to select it. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Or you just like you're not a part of society like this whole like social culture thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Credit course score thing. It's like they haven't implemented that but like we all have to have the exact same stuff or you're not allowed to participate. Yeah. Like the human day. Yeah. So it's like dude I always want to secede man. I'd love to just pull out live in like one of the lesser keys down in Florida. Be like crab man. Damn that'd be nice. Just be like burnt all the time. Yeah. Die at 58. Unhappy. Like outside death. No one finds you for a while. Yeah. That's what I want. I want like a metal detector death. Just out there like crows eating your eyes. You know your dad doing what he loved. Keys. Going in the keys would be nice. Just unplugging. Although you'd be in the key. I'd be in the keys. I'd have a little margaritas. I'd be on Facebook being like bro fucking Trump kicks ass. It would eventually. You gotta have some faith in the big man. You'd revert. Yeah. Are you pulling it up? Thank you. Can't stop producing. Wow. This is the kid. I mean we came up on him and he was he was a pit crew outside. One man. I know. Changing his tires. He had low PSI. Keep moving it the whole time. Whoa. Hey. You really work. That thing man. God. I'd hate to see we do your penis. That's how you treat this. Probably. You're probably. That's good stuff. I like that man. I like that. Fucking not. That's the thing. A lot of people don't have the gumption to interrupt the live broadcast. Right. To grab this thing like it was a snake that popped out of a hat. I had to. No I appreciate that. Are we good over there? Yeah. Okay. Sorry about that. The producer is high on ketamine so. She's been raving for 36 hours straight. 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verse one uh-huh or like where you're like circled where it's like one person you're surrounded by people who disagree with you classic the conversation yeah yeah the cover yeah the conversational bukkake but it dude it was jillian michaels i sent it to sean it was jillian michaels versus 20 either obese or obese supporting body positive like therapists and stuff yeah and first of all the the worst part about it was and in that format it's like whoever gets to talk has to race to the chair right so like jillian michaels is sitting there he's like all right first one to get there you just watch everyone's getting i'm trying to go over it's like feeding time at the hippo tank they threw a bunch of pumpkins down the audio the audio just just just to express fat attitude basically they should have had them in like like beanbags people like rocking out of there they should have done like dizzy i'm healthy they had to argue with this lady that uh and apparently then so she was using obese which i thought was like respectful being obesity and the one lady's like excuse me it's fat bodied that's the new acceptable term i've been called fat body and it wasn't very inclusive or nice i've been called fat bodied various public pools and it didn't feel good hey i'm a fat bodied adult no fat bodied is so funny they're like we don't obese it's fat bodied hey man please respectfully i'm fat bodied yeah i know i can see you i'm trying to be nice aka fat yeah i'm a wad i'm a blob whatever you want but don't be mean to me about it it was it was just great it was just as like you know super fitness lady being like bro i'm not like mad you guys are fat it's just i'm coming here of the opinion that it's like unhealthy at a certain point to have excess fat in your body like that's she's explaining like that's what fatty liver is it's like fat itself isn't bad but if you have too much or whatever it can start to like turn into something bad i don't know whatever you're like metastasizes and becomes like a foreign body and then if you have too much fat i think as i'm a chiropractor as i showed on you earlier i think that your body if if it gets on in fact it's on an organ it'll start attacking it like cancer yeah and like heart disease can be elevated and then you're like oh my god i'm your brain your brain dude they're always talking about how alzheimer's is like type three like diabetes i didn't know i could get fat in my brain oh dude i got fat head since day one and like as a guy who's like still fat but was much more fat like fat acceptance is so dangerous yeah because like i don't know dude you're allowing these people who have like let like you know have lost control it's a loss of control it's a physiology thing it's it's a lot of different elements but you've lost the battle yeah and then we're just supposed to be like hey it's cool yeah i guess if they're making the choice like if it is a slow form of suicide then like you have to embrace that like that's man's only option is to kill himself or like have a cigarette or whatever yeah so like i just don't think that normalizing it is like ultimately going to help the little fat kids because like shaming a little fat kid that's what got me running laps before school yeah you can see my tits through my shirt dude my mom shaming my whole life even today if i go home and if i get in the pool in the summertime if i put on weight my mom will be like you've gotten fat yeah she'll just write up she'll be like yeah you damn you're getting fat and i'll it'll be like you get it too oh yeah what hope is there for me then i was looking at you on stage last night you were like a brooks brothers model with your fucking great hair you're making all these cool moves and like you're filling out the shirt and i was like yeah maybe i could like do traps what are traps that was just my mom that was either on my mommy's either i'm a little shameful fat boy or my mommy's muscle man i try to be my mommy's muscle man every year you've always been mommy's muscle man haven't you you have that energy big dick muscle man yeah pylon i think you're crushed in comments because my neck is it is chubby and that's 30 beers a day yeah yeah pretty much you're gonna get pumpkin face i try to do 50 you know cut the you've been doing intuitive drinking that's part of body positivity intuitive put a blindfold on make a cocktail well they talk about dude it's actually kind of crazy so you know she's just arguing with all these people and they're like and it's just like well hold on let me compose myself i came from that chair over and i say this with empathy i'm a big fat guy i understand the plight yeah but i was a wicker chair i was a fat kid it's like you know it's it's tough you people you get teased and all stuff and people pinch your fat nipples and yell and laugh god bean dipping bro you've been bean dipped recently dude the former owner of the springfield comedy club when we were down there last time nathan lund goes on stage he's like hey knock him dead sack taps lund sack tapped him right before he's walking up so lund's walking on stage like oh fuck oh it's god damn like the first two minutes of his speech he's like oh fuck oh it's god damn like the first two minutes of his we're like yeah the owner just sack tapped me he's like like on the balls of his toes you know that one to shake him out that's crazy and then he bean dipped me he bean dipped me before i walked on me the headliner i've known him for 12 years i was the only guy who worked this club before you know you got the settlement money or whatever you're gonna fucking flap my flapjacks on the way up i mean also how did that affect you psychologically i wanted to be on fire i wanted to grab him after he flapped me and jumped down the stairs i wanted to be a human being bomb bro i went up there and i was mad and like the first 15 minutes i watched the tape first 15 15 minutes i'm like finding shit to be mad at on stage and lund also did the funny bit of i just got sack tapped so i can't walk up and be like hey he bean dipped me folks that was humiliating you have to read bean dip yourself to like because some people wouldn't know what it was you'd have to yeah you'd have to illustrate you have to flap your own jugs and now you're reactivated right yeah now you're back in the stairwell getting you know it's irresistible or no irreversible yeah it was it was great man it was really um it was a good display of just what we deal with now of just being like if i get angry enough at you and convince you you're a horrible person based on just my own emotions i'm right it was just 20 people being like you're actually a huge piece of shit she's like why and she's like because it's just not fair for you to say that to a fat body person to be telling their fat people going yeah this is a sign of just like we're all full of shit but it's because this would exhaust them yeah it's about a japanese tourist come because they think they're gonna feed seals but i'm not i'm not uh fat body phobic at all i'm not either i have many fat friends i'm a fat guy not fat body phobic but yeah it is you were nice to me i swam in the pool last year no one said hey look at those drugs because i was a fat kid i remember you get it i remember the torment dude my nickname was thunder thighs dude still to this day you fill out those pants dude my thighs are crazy dude so i get a third thigh right there you're holding shargini's piece for it yeah right bro uh that's just that's my prosthetic well what the fuck we we've witnessed the death we were supposed to make like ethos and logos and now it's all pathos this is the emotional thing we're supposed to make arguments pathos was like the last vestige of a bad orator so like you were supposed to then if you weren't like making your points you're supposed to be then emotional and big and do all the tricks because you couldn't get there with the ethics of it or the logic of it and now it's just all pathos yeah and you've got like you know huge people arguing with a woman for like so mean guys can watch it online literally all the comments are just people laughing being like dude running to the chair is hilarious yeah it is it is pretty fun they knew what they were doing i know they knew i know they uh one thousand percent no it's just this is a spectacle they're not going to get to anything dude they even had a thing on like the uh big snack companies like you know frito-lays all this stuff pepsi they they're uh there was like an investigative you know journalism thing an article where they had internal internal company memos of being like why it's why body positivity is good because they were like you know like certain points of it like intuitive eating was one intuitive eating make sure that we we don't like you know our snacks don't come under fire this thing body positivity calorie count there's a part of it where it's like get calories off of stuff because like we know that's that's like kind of shameful like why should i have to be like why should i have to be reminded of how many calories it's pretty fucking so we have to exist in a world just bereft of anything that makes sense yes like we because people don't want to know that like that entire bag of fritos has 1200 calories they're going to eat it anyway and pepsi's like pushing it being "Yeah, actually, this is very important for the body." positivity because they just want to keep everyone going yeah it's like how they put protein on pop tarts now and it's like oh okay so me on glp1s i can eat pop tarts and still go to the beach it's a fucking joke and everyone's just like yeah it's crazy and then we're just back on our phones yeah like we're so cooked i know i'm not cooked i'm not cooked you're not cooked we got to maintain the fucking light in the dark bro true that you can't give in no you can't it's so hard not to though i know it's so hard not to just be like pull out that white flag and start jerking off yeah i'm gonna get i'm gonna get high at 8 a.m who cares nipples with the this episode is brought to you by viore guys we've been wearing viore lately it's a game changer the core shorts work for pretty much anything gym errands hanging around the house whatever man and the strato tech tea insanely soft you're gonna want to wear it 24 7 everything is comfortable but looks good at the same time it just works it just works get 20 off your first purchase at viore.com slash mssp and discover the versatility of viore clothing exclusions apply visit the website for full terms and conditions white flag yeah i like how you brought up uh your wife like jerking you off uh he's like he's like lick my nipples yeah and brit made a funny noise across the balcony she came on stage last night she went like all right baby yeah that's awesome i was participating i've never heard my wife on stage except for the one time she heckled me in key west so what did she say oh dude i was doing some bit i asked a woman like my wife we went on like a wine cruise before the show awesome so it was like we had like 12 bottles of wine in like an hour you know my wife gets there and she's like a pirate like one-eyed you know like she met some gal on the cruise she's like come to the show it'll be fun so they like sit her down and i hear in the back of the room talking during the middle and i'm like i go up to her i'm like hey baby you know we're having fun you know that's like as much as you can say i'm over there trying to like diffuse a fucking bomb before i go on stage and entertain like hey honey you know it's fun to have fun right all right hey i'm at work you know but i am i really am this is my whole thing so i go up on stage and i i was i don't know i was doing crowd work it was two rival boat crews were there oh so like and like they both hated the same captain so i like made fun of one boat crew and then this boat crew like joined in making fun and i was like oh well hey you guys are a this boat crew's like correct you know so it's kind of chaos yeah and then i asked a woman in the crowd i don't know i was drunk too i asked a woman i was like have you ever been pregnant which is an insane question to ask insane question but again i'm doing triage comedy and i know there's a ticking time bomb in the back and she is wearing my wedding ring so i was like hey you ever been pregnant and i hear someone in the back go you have no right to ask her that and i say that sounds like my wife and she says it was oh no like what am i supposed to do it's dude and yeah i just bombed it's a tough spot and i was like oh my god i'm and it's also like i don't know part of me feels like the crowd would be excited like wait his wife's here no no but they don't yeah they're kind of like whoa what the fuck's going on right now what is she is like his nurse too she doesn't trust him they have to do the road together because he cheats yeah they just project right away yeah dude wait what is that real yeah no i've i've yeah i i've had it before where britney will also take it upon her she doesn't do this anymore but like when i first started headlining she would come sometimes and uh people would talk she would like go up like a bouncer and be like hey be quiet at your table and people be drunk and they shut the fuck up that i was on stage one time that happened and i'm on stage and i was already like battling with this guy and she had at some point been like hey keep it down and he said something back to her and i heard her just be like excuse me and i was like on stage like what the fuck did you say oh yeah and like just the whole crowd was like why i don't want it was they were like a dysfunctional family party yeah they're just like this is uncomfortable oh dude what the fuck you said it's my fucking wife yeah yeah it's just like ultimate white trash i know we're joking around but i'll fuck you up right now i know waymo's are weird aren't they folks well i tried to have him come on stage like come on stage like i was like here's my cool moment i'm gonna like destroy this guy he came up without a mic and was like dude you're fucking gay and i couldn't talk and i was like get the fuck off the stage everything bad happened it was uh then i got my check and it was way less than i expected and i was like man i really hate myself right now i really hate my life oh i just mortgaged my soul for five hundred dollars all right britney leaves with it yeah yeah yeah he walks out holding her hand you still have to do 40 minutes he had like a tailored leather jacket it was like perfect sleeve length where was it i don't know cursed phoenix it was cursed phoenix oh yeah cursed phoenix cursed phoenix me and phoenix i've been hexed in the phoenix market my whole life because it's all 22 year olds is that what it is it's all kids if you do that tempe club it's like on the college campus because i did i did one phoenix room and this last time i went down there and it was just a bunch of like kids with backwards hats just like wearing shorts like all right bro and i was like fuck i'm gonna talk to you guys about like being married and honesty this sucks yeah i did i did a bunch of marriage material at skank fest last year and i was like i was doing the math i'm like i don't know if this is landing here this is yeah it's a bunch of like poly gas station employees oh for sure yeah it's a lot of those ladies who get like that weird like hair extension that's pink and then they have to carry it all day have you seen this phenomenon you know i'm talking you're a rave person you know i'm talking about i don't know what that is it's like it's like a purple like fucking like predator tail i think they plug it into the back of their head it's like an extension but it looks like one big like dreadlock like thing and it's so long that they have to like carry it around and they're like daffy duck sweatpants at the at the buckies what yeah yeah is it one long purple braid purple pink could be a menagerie of colors damn that's fucking weird and again this could be a more of a detroit specific phenomenon no no well i uh i recently did like a very gen z kind of show it was uh if you laugh you leave and that was like i got there and oh there okay well it's kind of like that i'm not gonna lie but you could put it in your butt when you get home but it's just like one yeah just boom right and you can see them like you know if their kids act up being like you've had enough fun dip and just fucking whapping them with it you know with your brain yeah i don't need more buddy's pizza the uh the crowd was for real like there was a furry in the crowd there was like gay guys dressed as like count dracula it was they were all wearing like typo negatives it was fucking it's like yeah it was just weird man it was like it was like young young very internet kind of internet heavy kids that were just like dressed bizarrely dude like they were dressed like sprites and like fairies it was really fucking weird yeah and they were just like they looked like anytime you would say anything like slightly they weren't like super sensitive but they would just be like oh if you would say anything like kind of weird or fucked up well their filter is just like their entire life they've just been like in this pool of like human shame and how to identify it yeah it's like young people and they like when you hit him with a joke they're like trying to like turn it into like the neutrinos of how to be mad at you i feel you know like it's like going through this like sieve and it's like dissipating across their face yeah like okay he said trans and i'm not gonna listen to the rest of the joke yeah yeah it's bizarre dude you're like what does this mean about me they're like i do the meet and greets like after all the shows and sell the merch and i see the kids come up and they're getting so young yeah i don't know why it must be like kill tony or like hive whatever it is i always try and figure it out like they're so young and they're stoked and like they're stoned as fuck and they're like they're like fuck yeah and they come up and they're like all right you're like okay then you put my fucking armpit on their shoulder and take a picture and they can't say a word yeah kids man i get a lot of i get like a decent amount of coke bros yeah yeah a lot of coke they come up and their pupils are like that big like dude that was amazing dude me and my boy have this business dude it's fucking crazy you gotta check it out yeah and they went to the bathroom three times during the show yeah dude i hate the guys who go to the bathroom they're clearly geeked on either ket or coke and then at the merch line they're like bro that was the best and it's like you were gone for 22 minutes you weren't in there you're in the bathroom with three of your friends right half my set and the only person who's aware of it and secretly mad is me the man your compliment the man are you paid to see yeah i watched the whole thing yeah no you didn't dude that uh yeah that that thing you're talking about of like people being completely disconnected from reality and having like no basis to like uh like the pathos and whatever ethos i'm reading a book right now by this guy alice dare uh mcintyre okay it's called after virtue and he wrote it like i think in the 60s and he basically goes back so here this is the it starts off it's crazy so he this is his thing it's called like the the big problem and he was like imagine a world where like something bad happens and we just completely dismantle science we're like fuck science fuck scientists we kill scientists we burn all the labs down so science has been completely eradicated okay it's no more and then library of alexandria burnt down worldwide exactly and then every and then we come you know a few hundred years later people go fuck you yeah that's actually maybe that wasn't the problem let's let's fire science back up but all they're left with are like the broken pieces of what science once was so they're like resurrecting bits and pieces of this once like comprehensive body of knowledge and then they all they can do is try to use the bits and pieces to like basically gain themselves an advantage with like it's like a half understanding of a thing and they try to like use those to like basically promote their own kind of agenda it's kind of like me having any argument with anyone well that's what i have like three shards and i'm like well actually i saw a 30 second video that said different so that's and that's what he goes like you know that that's where we are with like moral debate now like we've we've completely shattered the foundation of it it's just people with bits and pieces who have feelings right who just want to be right and want you to agree with them yeah he's like that's just kind of where we're at and uh i mean hitler was really good at that too he was nasty yeah like all those guys who like moved people to commit awful we're really good at fucking moving the crowd yeah communicating without any kind of like logic behind it and it's literally people looking and being like that guy's good yeah i like that i'm gonna vote for that guy like he's loud guys get me charged up oh yeah but that's that was his whole thing he like takes all these like big debates in our time and he's like never get to the bottom of them like he's like abortion he's like it's just two different people being like well let me let me tell you the facts of the matter i'm objective here you're complete and they people to sit there and argue and then essentially go the arguments like you're a piece of shit and if you agree with me you'd be good right he's like that's that's what we're left you try to scold them into agreeing with you which is historically one of the worst ways to move the needle at all yeah it's to try and demean and make small yeah um now the book the book is cool he uh basically talked he's like the the from his you know point of view and it's it's like really complicated i had to get like a book about the book to understand it because it is kind of like dense um you're listening to like the succession podcast after the episode for your book pretty much yeah but he's like it's it's so it goes so far back to where like he was like we've we've had like a series of things happen within like you know from like aristotle all the way to post-modernism at like points where we like we you know we we ditched the aristotle point of view i don't fully understand but it's more or less just like a guy who's like undogmatic about like you know he doesn't have like uh influences of the church just like the ancient greeks looking around like what is the sickest thing i could do for myself that would increase the stoke for the collective and myself at the same time yeah then you have the church come in it's like well dude if you come you're evil right suddenly everyone got this like weird thing where they're like oh the the what's good is like kind of an external authority that i have to kind of obey and then that got shattered to where it's like no man just do whatever you feel right so now you're just you have these like completely kind of unrelated contextless people just like having emotional reactions and trying to like police others to like regulate their own emotions yeah trying to control this world that's complete chaos yeah and like we all have our own reality that originates from this thing yeah and then we're just like little nation states wandering around bumping into people yeah you know it's like there's no community there's no connectedness it's really scary i was telling him to fucking join a bowling league i think or no it was that dylan kid i was like get back to bowling bro yes we need to find something that's that's kind of that's kind of the thing he's like we got to strip tiniest communities and get those things to work and then from there you can kind of branch out because he's like yeah pretty much the tenants of anarchy but yeah pretty much i love you you love systems of coercion but it's funny it's funny he's basically like we're so far gone that even like like the the things have become so distorted that even if you like go to school for philosophies like you're basically just kind of jerking yourself off because the tools you're using are just like just complete chaos none of it makes sense there's no context anything it's just like regurgitating facts that some other guy and it's also funny because like in philosophy like there's no truths you know it's like people like arguing for their like objective truth or whatever so it's like kind of like with comedy where you're like how do i like make it in comedy and there's like no playbook whatsoever and we're all just like kind of chasing this like imaginary tale well no you post your episode every day at 2 p.m on wednesday and that gets the algorithm 100 it gets juiced yeah but no it's exactly that well i was i was envious of you last night when you said that you spent easter with your neighbors and that some of your neighbors came to the show because like i'm not at all like entrenched in my neighborhood at all yeah despite like some legitimate effort you know like going to the community center like all this shit like outside waving to people everyone's walking their dog with headphones on like yeah even when they're out on your city sidewalk you can't still like engage with the people who live three minutes away and uh it's very frustrating and i think that a lot of people are just like completely alone and disconnected and then they have like a girlfriend or a boyfriend and they like cling on until it dies like lenny from mice and men like crushing the one thing that loves you and sees you as who you are and then you get mad at them because they make you feel like a baby sometimes i don't need you i don't need anyone then you're just the joker yeah there's a bunch of us that are just the joker out there yeah and that's what i want to talk to you about is this like initiative that i want to do oh yeah help these dudes these fucking dead-eyed dudes i see at the merch table who are like you know doing pharmaceuticals they get online to enjoy the comedy show with the guy they really like yeah the one time we come to their town and they still have to be fucked up at the show not just booze but it's a variety of things yeah like completely whacked out yeah yeah well i will say the neighborhood cohesion that's all my wife she's very like she's very outgoing and friendly and she we were there for like a year and then she had already had like she joined this group it's like the you know like the mom group of like our neighborhood and next thing i know we would have like 20 people at our house all going out together it's really nice yeah i play basketball now that's like we play basketball every year that's what i want i want to like play pickleball i want to play bocce play pick them you know yeah bocce you need a sick hat for bocce i have a sick hat but all i have is this what would you go with bowler fedora no dude i have like a big like like almost like yowman farmer like an asian but not really like a mongolian step hat oh that's awesome it has like a crazy braid under here and i tie it off and it's like a scarf i just look like a widow in the south you know like i should be in a rocking chair but i want to put that gear on and hit the bocce pit and like you should that's kind of bullshit you can't honestly well i could go play by myself like a psycho in my big hat and then no one's gonna want to play with me if they see me alone might be field of dreams you might oh he got early onset alzheimer's you'd have one guy be walking his dog and he'd go home put on his fedora and take every ounce of courage and you walk up and be like hey man you mind if i toss those balls just a bunch of guys who have a hat they've been waiting to wear and then they see me and they're like that's the spark he's the change he wants to see yeah man i'm also coming around on this like fat guy thing like i think it's kind of cool that fat people are like you know what fuck you like it's hard for me i'm gonna be fat i'm tired of being told i'm fat i'm fat bodied i'm not obese that's a medical term yeah get the fucking calories off soda get you look at that yourself i don't want to see that and like fat people for the most part are either like really funny or like have never said a funny thing ever so it's really hard to like know which one you're dealing with because i'll see a fat guy like in public and be like all right this guy's gonna do something and then he's just like yeah i have to go to bed bath and be on again it's so true my sheets are yellow it's either the funniest guy ever or it's just like not at all well it's because it's a really fat kid you learn how to be funny to get along and defend yourself and become harder and harder while you're getting softer and softer and then like you know you have to go to college and interact with people and you're like i'm not fat you have like a breathing device it's like yeah fat people take it back bro well what's what's the idea what's what's the dealing with a fat like problem too i'm having identity crisis because i still feel like i need to be there for my fat brethren yeah but also like kind of show them like a path towards because like i had a lot of identity involved in being a fat guy yeah it's like not just the fact that i'm a fat funny guy who has like a little bit of a public life so i lose this weight like what clown am i it's a comedy mech suit right and then you're 36 saying what clown am i and you're like fuck this is all gone like i'm so beyond anything that makes sense i'm just gonna like try and lose some weight so i can you know see my niece graduate or whatever yeah no i think you're rocking it i think you're i get it though that would yeah if i was i can't turn my back on them no the fats no you can't those are my guys yeah you can't and i'm still with them and i get on them out there and i want them to know like i'm not talking to you big fat guy yeah no i that makes sense though you never want to turn your back on the fans i would never turn my back on the fats i like i do like teasing the fats of course and they like getting teased yeah they've been teased true yeah but yeah no that's that's very important you know what was your idea for the young men that are oh so dude i was talking to them i drove here from houston yesterday and like when i drive alone that's the only time i like actually think like i disassociate like you most of the time yeah but i'm in a car by myself i put on this american life until i can't hear it anymore yeah and then i'm just like alone with my thoughts do you talk to yourself uh yeah for sure yeah yeah but it's always like someone else is talking and i'm like who said that i'm so down in the rabbit hole my own ass but dude so we have all these like young dudes out there right who like have pretty much like been told like hey fellas you ran the world it's broken we're taking you off the shelf yeah it's great you know let someone else have the ball they'll it up we'll be back probably yeah you know because ultimately when you knock everything off the shelf which is created by capitalism of course that's the shelf uh you have all these shards and right now it's like mostly like straight white guys who are in shards and like society at large is like hey good be shards for a while so there's this like schadenfreude of like hey actually like shut up and listen so like just be worms for a while so while they're down there they're eating dirt and they're metastasizing you know and they're like spreading this disease and it's like i really think that someone has to give a about these guys who have been told that like they're the reason the world is because like you know dudes sean's age like they were told like go to college get a job you'll own a house yeah the american dream is yours that's completely ripped in shreds there's no american dream anymore so you have all these dudes that like just go deeper deeper online and get meaner and meaner and like you know more galvanized into the echo chamber and i'm thinking if we could get some of these dudes together at some kind of like i've been saying white guy conference you know which is bad yeah okay we're gonna go into white guys together in oklahoma city and you know get it together but i think if we could like throw some kind of like actual face-to-face event where we go in with people not like do we have it figured out but like you're admirable you've done a lot of looking inward you have a psychology degree you care about asterisk social work social work excuse me like you were saying and it's like last night on stage you said you were like uh you know i'm worried about everyone all the time i have a huge heart i have the same thing where it's like i want to be the sin eater for all these kids who are sad so it's like if we get them together and just like have radical honesty and talk about the things and have like joe list do a symposium on like sobriety or like rainy on like not being a like all these dudes that like kind of are trying to get better and just exhibit this behavior in a place without any phones or booze probably in the middle of the country yeah i think we could actually like send these dudes back with some tools to not like shoot up the mall because we're just if we can negate like one woman flinching when her husband walks into the room - True. - We've done our job. - That's true, a symposium would be nice. I would like a nice symposium. Dude, you go, you have your thing. You don't have to be funny. You're going to be funny because you can't help it. But like you got your fucking presentation. You get up there for an hour. And then afterward, we can talk to these dudes. We can have little like break off groups where it's like if you want to work on stuff specifically, like we could moderate those. And I don't have any kind of like background on this, but I do care. And I want to help because like I've been doing stand up for 20 years. And it's like not boring, but like what's the next juice? Like how can I actually be of service? Because I have a platform. I see the kids at the merch line. I see the hope in their eyes. But nothing curdles or becomes more corrosive than dead hope. The dead ambition. And we got to get in there and the scars of them and the wounds and like clear out all that dead debris so like they can heal, bro. We got to be gardens they can grow in. That'd be sick. Because right now we just like provide them some shit that's escapism. That's great. That's not service. We're, this is not altruistic. We're benefiting off of this. I'm trying to sell my tickets. You know, Sean needs new tires. So it's like I'm not trying to pretend that what I do when I go on stage is. You know, I'm not trying to emancipating them from their actual problems, but like I would like to like try and help more. Yeah, the only way I think I can do it is to be like, be able to fucking touch them, you know, tell them like, hey, man, it's not your fault. Like, sorry, your dad was mean, you know, or like be like, it is your fault and let's fucking fix it. I'm just thinking how we can monetize this. Well, so we cap it at a thousand. Dude, I would love to do a symposium. That'd be really nice to, here's the problem. The, the things like this that exist. Yeah. Self-promotional looks so fucking brutal. We can call it. Yes. The manosphere. I want to call it. I want to call it returning to the odium. Return to the odium. You know the odium? No. The odium was like the, the Roman idea of work was looked down upon. Like we're in this whole like thing of like hustle grind, like work 20 hours a day. Like that's what a man does. They look down on that. Like what a man's ultimate pursuit was, was like to try and like better himself, learn, create art, like luxuriate. Reflect. Not luxury, but like have time to reflect. Dude, you're talking, this is a return to Aristotle. This is what McIntyre is talking about. I'm saying return to odium. That's what we're trying to build. That's fucking tight. And it's just like, if we can give them the tools to not be mean to their boss at work, who is a dickhead. Yeah. Or at least try and like take a breath before you fucking pop off at that next meeting. Yeah. You know, before you fucking spike the can of liquid death. I was so close. Because you killed for an hour, except for one second. Yeah. I fucking flubbed the last line on my closer last night. And I was. Yeah. Walking off stage. I had my liquid death. And I was for real about to just fucking hurl it down the steps. And there's like a camera right there. And I'm like, bro, I can't be on camera. Be like. Spazzing. So I squeezed it. Yeah. I squeezed it. I squeezed it as hard as you possibly can. Just absolute spaz. He comes in the green room and he was like, I fucked up the last line. And I was like, yeah, make sure you focus on that instead of the other 99.9%. That's also what I would do, which is true. I would for sure get off. And like, I wouldn't, I couldn't even go in the green room. I'd be in the stairwell like. Well, I do. I do like to get back to the green room as fast as possible. Just because I love it. People are like, damn, you're already back. And I'm like, yeah, dude, I move pretty fucking quick. I have multiple fish to fry. But I'm still stewing. I was like. So you want people to think you're a wraith or like nightcrawler? Vampire speed. You want a vampire show? And they're like. Yeah. That's what I want. Like, damn, do you have vampire speed? I'm so afraid to get off stage and be like, just run to the green room to like impress, you know, Kurt Metzger with how quick you are. That's all I had left. I was like, I flubbed the, flubbed the closer. I got to be fast. It was the second to last word you said, dude, that you fucked up. I know. I know. I was, I was telling him, I was out there watching him last night, getting real stoned with Butterly up on the balcony. And like, I was, I was watching and I was like, dude, that's my friend. And like all these people are here to see him and he's really good at his job. And I'm up here in like the coolest comedy club and I can smoke weed in here. Like life is so cool. Yeah. Yeah. Just like a moment when you like connect with what's actually happening instead of like the facade of it. So, but anyway, dude, that's my big pitch is I want to like. I want to like try and help. That'd be nice. It's really nice. I worry that people won't appreciate it though. I worry they're stuck in their ways. Well, and that's fine. But I do think the people who would actually take the trip to Oklahoma city and we're not going to have it be 10,000 people. It's going to kind of be like skank fest for guys who like to do crafts, you know? That'd be nice. It's going to be gay skank fest. Gay skank fest. Yeah. And we'll have a class on, you know, killing the voice in your head to call stuff gay. That'll be a class. I want to do one on ambition. And it's just every slide says you will die one day and just be like, so that's why I do stuff because I know this is going to happen. And you might be thinking, well, I'll put it off. And it's like, well, tomorrow this could happen to you and it will happen in the blink of an eye. Yeah. You will die because it's like so easy to like actually use your time. Yeah. If you could just be shown like how much time you wasted on your phone, on your deathbed or my new thing is it before like St. Peter like greets you, he's like, you want more life? Let's see how you used yours. And then it's like literally seven years of like you. Scrolling actual real time. Seven years. Oh, easily, man. I mean, I'm, I've gotten down to three hours a day and that's like, that was like major. That's huge. Yeah. So rocking, I think like six at least is like the baseline. Do you wake up and look at your phone immediately? Dude, that's like the big one I'm fighting right now. I do. Yeah. Just cortisol right away. The world's mad at you. Yeah. 40 emails. You have to do. And I'm mad at them too. Yeah. Yeah. I'll check the weather every now and again, but I typically don't get up and do phone right away. Well, you also have like kids. Exactly. You have like priorities and shit. I wake up and I'm like. At the hotel. Oh, ticket counts aren't good in Phoenix. Dude, that's the story of my life. But. I hate it. Yeah. If I'm in the hotel by myself, that's when the phone rules. I'll like wake up and just be like. Dude, if I'm in a hotel, bro. Yeah. It's city skylines until I got to go to the show. Yeah. On that laptop. Putting in residential zones and watching it grow, bro. This episode is brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money. Matt, what were you finally able to do? What were you able to save for? Thanks to money, the automatic savings, vacation, ball. Can I tell you something? Actually, I had a surprise charge story. Really? Crazy surprise charge. Oh, those lying cam girls? No, actually. It's funny enough. They had nothing to do with that. I was going through my. Which one do you call it? I have a joint credit card with my wife and we're going over the monthly charges and it was like a shock. Someone had, I think, frauded us and I had a charge for the Bangkok massage down by the airport. Son's a bitch. It was fucking bullshit. $160. I mean, and also that's a tough one for you to have to. I know. That was not me. I said, babe, what the hell? I'm so taken off. I'm so surprised by this. This is fraudulent and suspicious activity. Let's get Rocket Money involved. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Guys, let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster. Join at rocketmoney.com slash mssp. That's rocketmoney.com slash mssp. Rocketmoney.com slash mssp. Guys, take 10 minutes to get covered today with life insurance through Ethos. Get your free quote at ethos.com slash mssp. That's ethos, E-T-H-O-S dot com slash mssp. Application times may vary. Rates may vary. This episode is brought to you by Tocovas. Lately, I've been getting more into boots. There's something about wearing a good pair that just changes how you carry yourself. You become more confident. At least that's how I feel when I put on my Tocovas. They're super comfortable right out of the box. No break-in period needed. I've used them for all kinds of plans, weddings, barbecues, concerts, you name it. Their western boots and sandals are handcrafted with premium leather and perfect for hot weather too. If you've got a Tocovas store near you, definitely stop by. Whether it's your first pair or your 50th, you'll find your new favorites. Right now, get 10% off of Tocovas.com slash Matt and Shane when you sign up for email and text. That's 10% off at T-E-C-O-V-A-S dot com slash Matt and Shane. See site for details. Tocovas. Point your toes west. Hey, everyone. Come see me live. Helium. April 8th in Atlanta. Come see me at Wits End Comedy Lounge, North Charleston. I'll be at Mic Drop in Detroit. The Comedy Nest in Montreal, Ottawa, Baton Rouge, Lafayette, New Orleans, Buffalo. Both Zany's Madison Dr. Grins. Get those tickets from. And if you wouldn't mind pre-ordering my book, my next novel's out September 22nd from Random House. But I would like to get the 10,000 pre-sales so I can be a bestseller and beat Mr. Beast and James Patterson. That's what I'm talking about. It's a sick book. Violent book of erotic revenge. Gay hitman in Paris doing one last job. Bro. Last 30 pages are just a violent onslaught. Phantasmagoria. I'm really stoked on it. It's pretty. That's awesome, man. Yeah, I mean, definitely go see Sam live. That last night was so fucking funny. Thanks, man. I'll definitely go do that. And the book, the first book was awesome. I'm excited. I'm excited to read this out to you, bro. I'm so stoked on this thing. And it's been my entire life for like a year. Hell yeah. Over it. Let's go. Yeah. Sean, what you got, bro? I'll be in Springfield, Missouri, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City, and Cincinnati, Ohio in May. Please come see those shows if you can. And Optimum Noctis at the Creek in the Cave, the first and third Tuesday of every month. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, man. Thank you very much. Atta boy. SeanGardini.com. Well, guys, I'll be April 10th. I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater. St. Paul, Minnesota. And then I'll be at Des Moines, Iowa on 4-11 the next day. And then here's the big ones, man. 4-17, the cursed Phoenix, Arizona. I'll be at the Celebrity Theater. It's in the round. It's a 20. That's the one Mitch Hedberg laid down on. What? He would lay down and they would just threw pills at him on stage. And he would be circling and he would like see a pill and just eat it. What? Yeah, him standout told me this story. That's like legendary spot, dude. Yeah. Well, I think it slowly spins, dude. Does it? I thought so. Yeah. I'm worried I won't complete the circle. I need to get the sale so I don't do it in the 270. I'm worried I won't get the full round going. I'll do it in the U. Brutal. That would suck. So, guys, please come to the Celebrity Theater. I'll literally, I'm going to hire seat fillers if you guys don't come. I'm going to buy all the seats so no one's there. Just leave a big block of no seats. Celebrity Theater, 4-17. That's going to be fun. And I also am, I love the round. Yeah. I'm a pig for the round, actually. I've really come alive in the round. Guys, after that 4-18, I'll be in Tucson, Arizona. And then 5-15, I'll be in Toronto. That'll be fun. That's two. That's two shows, and I believe they're going to be sold out. So there might be a little bit of tickets on that last show. Great comedy town. Yeah, I'm excited for Toronto. They've been showing me a lot of love, unlike fucking bitch-ass Phoenix, Arizona. Guys, and then finally, the Riviera Theater in Chicago, Illinois. That's going to be very fun. I love Chicago. So come to that. When are you there? May 16th. I'll be there. What? I'll be in town. I'm at Zany's that weekend. What? I'll try and pop over. Oh, please do. Wait, wait, wait. You're there the same way. Damn it. Go see Matt, everyone. No, Zany, dude. Go see Matt. Please, that'll be awesome. Let's hang out. Yeah, dude. I think McCann's going to be around, too. What? I think McCann's there the 15th or something. Dude, that'll be awesome. Yeah, that'd be cool. Guys, Chicago, there's a comedy storm coming into Chicago. It's not just your babe that's the best thing from that city. It's also the people who buy comedy tickets. That's true. That's right. There's a funny front moving in, dude. The windstream broke. There's nothing but giggles all across the Midwest. I'll be in Tulsa. Okay. Get it. All right. Let's get back to the show. Yeah. I was brainstorming a show idea. I had a couple different. One of them was just an absolute like a crowd work blue man group where you just like five people just take the stage and it's just you just the whole time. It's just like it's like, you know, like the crowd work guys have like headset. Oh, yeah. But there's five people at Christopher Titus. Yeah. Yeah. But it's five people at once just going nuts. And then it evolved doing crowd work all at once. And you can hear every one of them speak. Yeah. Simultaneously. But but then it was like, you know what? No, not even that. What I want to do is do a live exercise class where it's comedians with headsets and you just scream. You met people exercising like a drill instructor. I did that yoga. I did. They brought me in one time in Denver to do like like a sip and yoga thing. And they brought me in as like the fake yoga host. And I was like, that's a funny idea. It's a great. It pays forty dollars. Sure. Who cares? So I did it, dude. But I didn't know anything about yoga. So people were just getting mad. Like people like this is their whole thing. It's like they look forward to yoga all day at work. And then there's a fat guy out there wearing short shorts and a headband being like, why doesn't everyone do upward dog? We're always doing downward dog. And people are like, what are you doing? And they didn't know it was a prank. I thought I was a fat guy ruining their one thing. That's a great idea. Yeah. But I think if you told people that it was an exercise class hosted by comedians, that'd be good. I would I want to do a yoga class where I slowly, you know, you start because like a lot of the real kind of like OG yoga instructors will start like hitting you with passages from like, you know, like ancient like the Bhagavad Gita or whatever. That'd be nice to like start that way. Then slowly slide into like like militant is like like a big militant Islam. Yeah. Try to sneak it in. Just sneak it in slowly built or like at the very end during like the Shavasana when they all lay there, just be like, and Pakistan will rise again. Death to the. Yeah, I'd be kind of sick. Indians are dogs. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be good. Or you transition from that into like just Pantera lyrics at the end. You just like read stanzas from Pantera. Or just like deep. It'd be nice to go into like heavy like black magic Satanism. Oh, yeah. Towards the very end. Lights go low and low. You're completely nude at the end. Yeah. Yeah. And like in anything, no matter what, you have to crush your opponents. Yeah. It's necessary. Their blood is your reward. Blood for the blood God. You are the blood God. Get the marrow from the bone. Yeah, that'd be great. That'd be nice. I'd be. I mean. But I agree. I think it would be nice, man. That's kind of the. That was kind of one of the main things where it's like, yeah, you got to figure out something to do where it's like, well, you're basically you are a social being, you know, more or less. You have to figure out a way to survive. It's our evolution. Exactly. Yeah. So, yeah, I think that would be nice to do a nice little symposium. And like, it would probably be a nightmare. And of course, as soon as I have to send two emails to find the hotel conference room, it'll be over for me. But we need to find a woman to plan this men's only retreat. I got one. Uh-huh. Yeah. We have type A babes. You can just stick the type A babes on it. Because if I tell my wife, she'll say, oh, yeah, we should be helping white guys more. It's like, it's not just white guys. They're the ones who need the help. Well, here's the thing. You can you can title it Symposium for White Guys and Probably a Lot of Mexican Guys and Indian Guys. Black guys are welcome. That'd be a pleasant surprise. We'd love a black. We'd love a black guy. That'd be really cool. We're going to have a black speaker. Asterisk. Gay guys. Butterly was like, what about gay guys? And I was like, oh, yeah. Let's get some gay guys in there. They got their own problems. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not like, I don't know, dude. I just feel like when you can't figure out your own shit, it's a lot easier to like either go inward or you can like help other people. So like, I feel like when you're at this depression, it's like just like ruined state that a lot of people are in. Exhausted. No dignity. Everyone's mad at them. It's like, teach them how to help other people. And I think we can just like plant these little seeds that like go back to like fucking Bristol, Tennessee. And, you know, next thing you know, there's four nice dudes in Bristol, Tennessee. It's like we're going to fix everything, dude. But like if people actually want to do the work, I think we could bring them together. I think so. I think. Yeah, I think that'd be actually a it'd be a nice thing. It would be either way. It'd be a very fun event if you got to go to a sort of symposium. And it was a bunch of people, a bunch of comedians and stuff. And it's not like scholars. No, it's not people who are going to bore you or like impress you with their bona fides. It's just like me. Up there, dude, like, hey, guys, I'm not that great, but like I've done some stuff and here's how I've achieved it. And it's just like picture of my mom in her casket. You know, so I remember this. And then I put my phone away and I work on my book because I'll be in there and I'll be in there so soon. And you'll all be in there so soon. Yeah, we don't even exist. If you look at time, we're an anomaly. True. We were never here. Dude, that's a that'd be cool. I think that'd be a lot of fun. Getting to do like a 45 minute PowerPoint on just like I'm going to try. To boil down anything that I think is like a use that's been useful to me and putting it that'd be so fun. And it'd have to be headset. I'm my only condition is headset. Mike's unbuttoned all the way. I'm right here, bro. I'm up there like this naked nude. We all have to be nude at this thing. Yeah, like radical honesty means being nude. Yeah, like it's like, no, like, you know, was was in this vein. That was my I was trying to figure out how you take the AA and a model, right? Instead of like, you don't need to be like smoking crystal meth. It's just for everybody. Mm hmm. Because apparently it works for a lot of people. I think I think it works. Maybe if you can apply that kind of shit to people who don't have substance issues. Yeah, like I think it might help even more. I think that was I was always trying to do that, but it is difficult. It's like kind of hard to wrangle everybody. Symposium could be the move, though. Also, it is gay. Like, that's the issue. It is like trying to help people and say, like, hey, I want to be like the sin eater for the world is like ultimately a very embarrassing cringe thing. But like, we need to return to sincerity. We need to embrace earnestness. We've made a living with irony. And like, you know, not taking anything seriously. And now I just think that I really want to like tap into some I don't know, searching truth, that kind of thing. It's so bizarre because that's all we have is beauty. That's the whole that's the whole point of that book I'm reading. It's literally it's more or less. That's like one of the major points is, you know, it's a weird, you know, one of those things that just kind of syncs up. Yeah, that's crazy. You're very smart and admirable. And I would love to have you involved in this project. I would love to be awesome. Sick. I'm pretty dumb. Sean, you're not allowed. Yeah, you're the enemy of progress. You'd be in there wasted thinking about this whole time is that I have I don't think I have anything off for these people. You could be like a youth pastor. Yeah. Yeah. You just take like 16 year old rock and roll. Oh, no, guys. Talk about cigarettes. You should probably learn like editing software that could be useful. It'd be really funny to like build up for like three days of like progress, like men crying, breakthroughs, and then have Sean be like the keynote speaker on the last day. And just ruin everything. That is that. That's the thing. That is the how it's like the tough thing because the it's such a nice thing. And it like I if you're being genuine, you're like, yeah, that is like that's good. And then you just see someone film it and put it out. And you're like, that sucks. And I do. I think it's like no cameras, no booze. Yeah. No, I don't think you can have booze at this thing. I think we'll have shuttles. It'll drive you to whatever airport hotel bars nearby. Like we'll make it easy for you to have a fun time with your new friends. Yeah. But like we can't be there fucking addled on our phones. Obviously, people will be stoned. Yeah. Me included. I'm going to hang out with you and Butterly for three days. Yeah. I actually did want to ask you. So you have your last whenever I talk to you, you have the weed really dialed in. I'm trying, bro. Yeah. So what like progress have you made with that in terms of finding like specific types of weed that agree with you? And so I thought live rosin was like the key. But it's actually the terp profile, you know, about terps, like all the shit that makes it smell that way. So like you have all these different terps. And based on the weeds that I like and the weeds that I don't like, like I can't smoke headband and you know, or I can't smoke lemon haze. Then you find out. Like I can't smoke lemon haze. I can't smoke lemon haze. - I love Durban poison. But every third time I smoked Durban poison, I'm like under the couch, like a dog in a thunderstorm. - Freaking out. - Yeah, like freaking out, calling my wife at work, like I'm having a heart attack. She's like, "Did you hit the Puffco?" I'm like, "That has nothing to do with this." It's one in the afternoon, who would be high on live rosin right now? I woke up an hour ago, there's no way I'm high. - That's blueberry, blueberry anything is like good for me. - Me too. - If I have the blueberry, I'm good. If I had, there's certain ones I have where I'm like, I'm schizophrenic now for like 30 minutes. - 'Cause like, I'm like you where it's like, I understand that like weed is a drug, but like I still want it to be a part of my life. 'Cause I'm not on like SSRIs or anything. - Exactly. - 'Cause like all these people who are like, "You need to be high." It's like, no, but like I'm taking a thing that like makes me able to engage with reality a little bit easier. - Yeah, I'll like take weed out of the mix. 'Cause you know, I'll like bug out or I'll be like, "I don't even need it." And then I put it back in and I'm like, "Yeah, I kind of need this in my system a little bit all the time." - And that could be like 2.5 milligrams of edible, bro. Like I'm like, I don't know. I thought you had to smoke the whole eighth in 24 hours for most of my life. Or it's like, if you get a thousand milligram bar, it's like, well, I'll eat this and just deal with it. - Just plug out. - Yeah, I'll just be on drugs 'cause I think it's weed. - I've run the experiment. And it's like, if I like go off of weed entirely, like I can do it, it's really not hard. It's just like, I get like very, I feel like serious. - Yeah, yeah. - It's weird, it's like a weird feeling. I get like very just kind of like. - I'm a man. - Yeah, I don't know what it is. - Yeah, no, I get it too, bro. - It's weird. - Like hard edged. - Yeah. - You know, and like not as eager to be like giddy. - Yeah. - I don't know. Like all the, like the bad stuff about weed. Like I get it, but I think I just like need to be able to have it in my life. - Yeah. - Or else life isn't as much, I don't know. - No, I need to be. - It's so hard. - I need to have a little weed 'cause I don't know. Otherwise I just get like, I just get very serious. And I have like, I think genetically I have like salesman brain. So if I don't smoke weed, salesman brain takes over and I just become like a. I don't know, something in my head where I'm just like, I should do this. This is actually a really good idea. - And I genetically have hobo brain. So when I'm not smoking weed, I just get like lost in these flights of fancy where I'm like, why don't we move to Peru? Like, why are we, we're all scared of like shit happening here. We go to Peru, our money will go longer. - That'd be tight. - And my wife's like, are you stoned? And I'm like, actually, no. - Yeah. - This is me thinking clear headed. I think the move is relocating you, your sister, your mom, your grandma's, our niece to Peru. I think that'd be best for us. - These mountains. - Dude, it'd be so great to like be able to live lives in so many different places. - Yeah, you're a big traveler. - Well, it's just like, I know how limited the time here is. - Yeah. - It's like, I want to sample the delicacies of this thing called life, bro. And it's like, and that's the issue of like being me is like every, every, most of my thoughts are very gay. You know, like all the stuff that I love, like I'm stoked to go home and like plant my flowers and like get my day lilies going. - Don't let me start on gardening. That's my, that's my big one right now. - I like gardening too. - Yeah, it is. - I've seen you post your, your stuff's great, bro. - Thank you, man. - Yeah, yeah. - I got to get started again. - Mm-hmm. - Fired up. - Get some peppers going. - 'Cause I think this is the last year we can grow stuff. - Why that? - Because like the anomalies happening in weather. It's like, they're like the, the jet stream is breaking. So now weather's just going to like break out of whatever tube it's kept in and like, you know, make it like 30 degrees in July or whatever. - You think that's what's going to happen soon? - I don't know, dude. That's what the science, you know. - Fuck, I'd be so pissed if my shit frosts right now in the summer. That's, that's cause like they used to say, you know, you could plant like April 1st or whatever. And now they're like, wait till mother's day. And now they're kind of like, well, if you can get it going whenever, like you might have to beat a late frost, but. So it's just, yeah. That's where my garden's at. - Wait, what's, what's your garden set up right now? - Nothing right now. 'Cause I haven't put it in yet, but like. - Gotcha. - I planted a bunch of trees last year, first year. So we got the trees and then this year it's like raised beds and I want to have a cutting garden and then some like food and herbs. But mostly I want to just grow beautiful flowers and like sit back there in my very expensive chairs I bought from France. Again, dude, I mean, I was, this body was wasted on me. I should not have been born like a huge straight guy. I should be like a very gay, like Haitian dude. Just like wearing like, you know, like a head wrap. Remember like the vampire, like the gay vampire from, that was Anna Paquin's vampire show on HBO back in the day. - True Blood? - True Blood. - Yeah. - Remember the gay guy? That should have been me. - Who was the gay guy? - He was like the bartender. - Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. - He was like the black guy, like very like Caribbean. - Oh, wow. - Yeah, that was like the gayest guy. - The Greek reader. - The Greek reader. - For sure. - Yeah. - That guy was, you know what I'm talking about? - No, no, no. - Gay black guy. He almost, he would borderline cross-dress almost. - Oh, it was like, he was like if your dad like did an impression of a gay guy in blackface, like that's who this guy was. - He had beautiful eyes. - Oh, he was great. - Yeah, he had beautiful eyes. - Yeah, yeah. - He had beautiful, very effeminate eyes. - And like, that's another thing. It's like androgyny is attractive. Like all this stuff that I have, it's like, I cannot wait to go to the botanical gardens in Atlanta on Wednesday. - Dude, I will say there's something really nice about growing flowers. I've been growing like rose bushes. - Dude, are they driving you nuts? - Oh my, it's the best. I love it. When they know, when they blossom, I like, I really, I come down, I come down every morning and I check out my garden. Any new shoot or bud, I see it and I go, dude, this is fucking awesome. Anytime I see a new little thing, I'm like, oh, fuck yeah. - I did that. Me and nature. - Yeah. - Collab. - Yeah, man. - On this single cherry blossom bud. - Especially when you get into like creating like a real soil ecosystem where you're like, I'm trying to really do like, I don't know if it's Korean farming, but it's just like using like, you know, mulch fertilizer. Like it takes like years to get it established. And I see little bugs in my soil. I'm like. - I did it. - Dude, ladybugs. - Ladybugs. - We had pollinators last year 'cause of the wildflowers. My wife was like, we have bees. This is terrible. And I was like, we have bees. This is what we need. If we want the rest of this, we need these guys. - Yeah. - And she's like, chill. - My wife's always coming home, like exhausted from being a doctor. And I'm like, hey, check this out. And I like take her out back to show her a new bud on the like pawpaw tree. And she's like, can I change out of my scrubs? And I'm like, no, quick. I'll abort. She comes home to a little boy who then wants to try to have sex with her later. - Every day. - I've been game planning this idea for like, you know, 'cause if you have like a small backyard and you're limited, but you want to try to live off your land, I want to try to push the idea of people having, I guess like single house, but also like very efficient, factory farming to where like, you could have like a cow and like a lightless box in your backyard. It's like a genetically, like a clear, you could like see its internal organs. It's like a box of headless chickens. I want to take, I'm going to take factory farming and democratize it to where like, we could all have just a bunch of like weird, like KFC genetics. - It's like the island of Dr. McCusker. - Those are making me laugh and pitching that to people. Just having like a lightless box where you have like a star veal calf and you're like fattening with like grease. - Yeah. - Just like fryer grease. Just a tube into its mouth. - Instead of like a big factory with a thousand of like eyeless chickens, you could have like five in your backyard. - Right, yeah. - Just cloning them back there. - You can charge people to come look at them. - Grind them into a pulp and eat them for your family. - Oh, geez. The SWAT team would come to your house. There's like, there's a man creating abominations next door. - I want to be able to raise like McDonald's chicken nugget chickens in my backyard. You know, I would like cut their vocal chords. They can't even make any noise. - And their eggs are as big as your fist. - Yeah. And they're just back there like saying like kill me and chicken. And you're like, look how happy they are. That one's dancing. It's just covered in mites. - It's covered in their own shit. - Dude, I would love to have some kind of like freaky animal menagerie in the backyard that you occasionally eat. - It's all science. It's all science. - Right, yeah, yeah. You're on the cutting edge. - For sure. - Everyone will be doing this in 10 years. Saying that shit all the time, bro. - It's like lab grown meat. - Yeah, yeah. - That's all I'm talking about. - I think that's not crazy. I would love to have eggs. - Eggs would be nice. - Eggs would be tight, dude. - Well, everyone's thinking like how can I go full natural? It's like, well, imagine if you can just go like full synthetic. - Full natural. - Puff them with hormones. Just like all the, I put all the hormones in the cows. - Or just like have an impossible meat machine, you know? You're like throwing coal in and putting nitrates. - I would just have a cow just like suspended. I'd have like an oxygen tank just suspended in water and I would just fatten it up slowly. - Yeah. - Let it just get bigger and bigger. - Hey man, I know what you're talking about. I'm right there. You want like a big, like fucking like gelatinous cube. There's a bunch of tubes going into a cow. And it's just like floating in there. - Like the Wolverine tank. - Yes, exactly. Yeah, it's professor, it's your Weapon X with cows. Yeah. - Yeah, I would slay that once a year and I would have its clone take its place. - Oh, for sure. - It'd be awesome. - And you could do that. - Like not you, for sure. But like someone could do that and implement that in the backyard. We're growing cows from seed. - It would be so fun to go to like an organic farming symposium and just present that idea. - Hamburger machine. - Have them just walk out in disgust. - So you plant these and it grows hot dogs. - Yeah. - Everyone does. - Everyone does. - You can do this at the symposium we're throwing. - That'd be nice. Or just you could have like a machine with like, you could like selectively breed Siamese twin, like pigs. And then like, you just keep kind of like somehow figuring out a clone, like a twin to grow out of another one. You kill the other one, you have two younger and you just continue. - Like a Hydra, but with pork. - But the problem would be getting a new- - Muslims hate this one trick. - That'd be the problem. You'd have to figure out how can you like have a new kind of embryo grow out of the Siamese twins. - That would be the only problem. - You just keep it going. - As I can see. Yeah, everything else is pretty hard science. - Just come out, you're like, "Look, it's growing another eyeball out of its side." You'd be like, "Oh, nice, it's working." - Your daughters are sitting there horrified. As you're just slowly going crazy and saving your urine and toenails. You feed them to the pig. It helps it grow. It would be a lot better than having like real pigs in your backyard. - Yeah. - Pigs are always biting you. You gotta whip them with sticks. - Dude, I want a pig so bad, dude. You better keep your daughter's fingers away from that pig's mouth. - I know, go bite. We had a pig in our backyard that was like super horny and it would hump. - Oh my God. - It had like a Swedish exercise ball and it would hump it and jizz on the ball. - It's like H. Foley in that story he told. - Yeah, yeah. no i i recently read lonesome dove and oh my god dude i'm so sold on having like a nice show can they call pigs shows i'm like i want one so bad sit on my porch and just sit there and look at my shows eating like snakes and shit dude and dude you can you can do a thing where i i don't know if this is like actually a viable idea but you can rent goats to go clear land for people yeah i would love to have just like five goats that i could just ran out to people let them just munch all the poison ivy and shit on their way yeah eat the kudzu yeah they'll eat everything you would like to be a shepherd i think i dude i've said it before i would love to be a chef that's honestly my ideal job i honestly think that like maybe genetically like you're talking about like how your salesman brain like i think that there's something in me that needs to be just like don't have an address i was telling you on the way over it's like you were saying you know australia you like had a weird time yeah i'm like yeah if i'm home for seven days i kind of wig out yeah it's like i can't like be still and i think that there's some kind of like nomadic like just calling in my blood bro and it's not good for shepherding to be nice shepherd's great dude you just like dress like an iman you have a big crook you're eating weird pies a woman hands you every now and then you don't have to say a word for days you have to fight the wolf off the wolf yeah or you'll have a cool dog true you have a good dog what i've heard i i was uh i was at a kid's birthday party recently and they had like the petting like the ponies and horses you can stand up no no i was attending i was having fun just attending and the guy and i again i just read lonesome dove so i'm like just so horny for like cowboy knowledge of like yeah animals you're calling stuff caliche yeah this guy he's sitting there and we're you know i'm sorry i'm talking mules with this guy who's like from the horse farm yeah i'm just like just really happy to be there with like a native texan and he was like well you know you get rid of wolves right and i was like no how just like please i would have sucked this guy's dick to him and he was like get a couple good donkeys they'll trample that you wolf underneath the donkey's hooves i had to just be like what are they doing and i was like i don't know i don't know i don't know dude he's like they'll trample a wolf right to death and i was like i'm so happy i know that yeah i'm sitting there like oh yeah dude but he was just like yeah you get a donkey man could you think you would stand a donkey stomping on you i was like absolutely not no sir no sir i wouldn't you know sir i would i would die immediately yeah yeah yeah i just like knowing that i'm like that's so cool you know that donkeys will stomp on a wolf and you can just like rest assured like well i got my donkey so i was gonna trample yeah so i mean i want to fact check that but it's also i almost don't want to you're gonna see a lot of upsetting videos on either side yeah either donkey getting munched or a wolf getting pummeled because i gotta get two good donkeys man you don't have to deal with wolves and i'm like fuck that's so sick you know that yeah well mules are fucking i think mules are also like capable i think donkeys and mules were like sacrificial like you kept the oxes safe probably what do you mean well it's like if you're like thinking about like the the farm animals or like the agricultural like pack animals dispensable yeah i think mules and i think mules most dispensable and then donkey and then like horse and then like ox maybe yeah i don't know that is a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey right he can't breed he can't breed yeah my grandma's people raised mules in new mexico and like they all had like mule skin shoes and shit and like eight mule stew yeah fuck yeah no that's awesome i try to talk about it on stage people think i'm lying so my grandma's from a place called wagon mound and i say those are my people mule ghouls from mountain town and people are like you just wanted to say that so it's all a lie so you can say that dumb phrase they think you're stealing mule trader that's fucking bullshit right now that would piss me off hey man it's just another day in the life of latino true i come from cowpoke yeah do you really and my grandma and my grandpa met at a rodeo they used to ride horses yeah in the show my grandpa was a cowboy my grandma worked at the ranch robert and roberta bobby and bobby jean wow god damn it i have no i have no cowboy fucking shit in my blood at all it sucks yeah but you guys have probably some like maritime knowledge like you guys are probably at sea my dad is nasty with the boat yeah i got none of that very nasty with him actually i'd meet your dad much like you met that like donkey stomping wolf guy and i'd be like tell me more sir i'm dipping myself he would talk you could talk boat knots for hours yeah it's actually i'm pretty jealous of his knot abilities when a man knows the exact knot i'm like fuck i didn't learn anything my entire life dude he's nice with that and also like trees it's like tree identification like that's a silver birch that's the it's like dude how do you fucking know all this shit i said recently my wife i want to see a tree and be able to tell you what kind it is yeah and she's like i don't know i don't know she was like please go to bed i'm just hitting her with this gay barrage constantly meanwhile she's like a dude effectively i've been doing that with uh with like ducks because we have a pond near my house yeah it's like in like the neighborhood they call it a lake it's just a giant pond but they have all these different ducks and i i've like taken pictures of all of them to like use i use my phone and identify them and i just like memorize it as hard as i can so like and i'm just always waiting to like flex duck knowledge yeah the other day we were up there we're up there and one of my friends were like yo those one ducks look crazy i'm like that's a muscovy praying an egyptian goose would walk into the scene so she's like take me now matthew i was flexing on sean we were the japanese garden in houston yeah oh yeah i was like that's he's like those ducks are crazy i was like egyptian goose those things are my favorite they are really pretty how was that garden it's awesome it's so fucking sick actually i didn't go yesterday yeah it's next time we walked around it's very really cool yeah just getting it's just like they have huge like chunks of natural granite just like everywhere water running down them koi ponds i'm like fuck this park was awesome you ever busted those ducks like doing it you ever seen ducks mate no they have that classic corkscrew penis really i always heard that was pigs with the old pigs have a weird that's the tail that's the tail but pigs have curly curly tail a cho-cho those things are what's the pig dick look like uh i thought it was corkscrew let me look it's like it's like i don't think it's completely corkscrew but i think it does like it has hook can we can we get that up wait do you think that bro very bad yeah i'm gonna see you to pig dick and then a duck dick if you don't mind and i think duck vaginas evolved to be corkscrews because ducks rape female ducks all the time oh right this is like rave knowledge you know about this yeah that's party safe right that's the pig dick oh so it's got a yeah it's got a hook on it yeah check that out that's okay all right there we go so that is this on screen you can see you can show pig dicks on screen can you yeah you can totally do that it's like looking at mirrors is that oh that's i that's a pig's butthole for no reason all right i'm back you see that he's lifting the pig's tail that's a pig butthole right there this looks like my ass let's see a duck dick so yeah the pig has just a little whoa yeah get over there that's a duck's dick yeah because i think it was like i think it was reciprocal evolution because the female ducks like oh yeah sorry damn the duck's dick is like it's like a sine wave it's kind of tight yeah dude okay so it's like dig dug when you have to shoot the things like the asics logo yeah dang and so that the duck pussy's like rifle yes rifle action yeah because they wanted to prevent being you know forcibly impregnated and then i think they're is this is this your understanding yeah right yeah so they have to like relax just allow it's like anal yeah i hated it okay so in nature though so you're saying ducks don't have a big courtship element because like some like you know residents so it's just like there's no mating dance no one's showing off the plumage dang that's a shame it's just like hey you come here often yeah yeah it's pretty much how dudes had sex until like 1975 or whatever hey you want to be safe carry my baby yeah true dang well i didn't know that and see this you need to have you could in your weird menagerie you're building you could just have like the penises growing that would be nice like in jars you really have the neighborhood kids go you know duck penis duck penis every now and again i'd show them mine you have a necklace not so different you and i now compare yeah yours starts corking there's a penis documentary coming out about you you didn't tell me about your new projects a guy collecting all every species of penis wow what a he's a dickhead or like the human penis is there's two guys competing to donate their penis wow what once they die yeah what are they like there's the biggest and the smallest some people are doing it yeah before they die all right german guy for sure yeah for sure sure german guy whoa so some guys like just take it now he's like take it now and eat the tip what does he win yeah his penis in the museum until there's a flash flood his dick's washed away god that's so fun the curator's in there every night taking him out of the jar and just sucking different animals brushing his teeth with one yeah there's two guys competing for the job yeah hey guess what i'm gonna pull my name out of the hat all right i don't need to be in the race for that to be the curator and be like i've personally sucked every single one of these pieces pig penis is exquisite yeah you have to try the duck dude imagine just sucking like a fly's penis that'd be a bummer praying mantis penis yeah oh i'm intrigued and now all the different sex that would be kind of cool it'd be it's so funny he probably approaches it too like a you know has like a cloth over his arm walks to the jar he's smiling like he's offering you to smell the cork damn there's two that's there's it never like it always amazes me that there are two guys who are like no i want my penis in that jar yeah wouldn't occur to me i'd be like i'm gonna bury me with mine i don't want it in a jar i don't need anyone to know people walk into the penis museum be like yeah people pose with it water must be cold yeah water's cold pickling solutions chili you have to brine the penises once a quarter i don't want to be nasty but you figure like you should give me your penis yeah i gotta be lucky to have i need mine for cut it off longer yeah going bowling freaking uh you figure there'd be extra penises laying around with gender reassignment surgeries and things like that you know true like you figure it's not too hard to find one yeah that is kind of a shame we're just yeah we're gonna cut a guy's off although don't they turn it inside out i feel like they keep most of the penis to create like a clitoral situation oh don't pull that up please quit typing i think you're right i don't think they maybe do they hack the whole thing off i know nate nate because nate talks about on stage but that was the ball keep the testes yeah keep your testes like they're tonsils or whatever i've said before castrating the penis but keeping your balls would be the most powerful yeah that's definitely test maxing for sure oh you just come to the table yeah plop them just well you're just balls you have no release but you're still producing all like the hormones and shit you need that was pretty powerful it's like a samurai situation it really wouldn't complete control you wouldn't be huh you'd have no outlet you just have to or you do and it's just like a hole that weeps every now and then drooling hole yeah hey baby oh see my drooling hole the eggs your body my wound's excited honey give me a diaper i'm feeling you yuck oh boy drooling hole but hey enough about my wife i love her you're oozing yeah i'm gonna call her i'll be like hey baby can i get a taste of that oozing hole you just rely on wet dreams you'd have wet dreams like once a quarter rely on wet dreams what the hell that's your only release yeah i don't think i've ever had a full wet dream brother i have i've had let me tell you i wish man i've had maybe one but i it's i wasn't like soiled my undies i had one on the top bunk one time what yeah my cousin was down below and i had to figure out how to rain hey your hole's weeping someone's balls are full yeah wet dreams are gross uh yeah you know what yeah because you don't like i feel like in a wet dream i don't think you like fully bust in a wet dream i've never had the situation where i'm like enjoying having sex and then i climax it's always like i'm about to have sex with someone and then i like nut and then there's like a shame in the dream and then you wake up and the shame is real it's like when you get cut in a dream and your arm's bleeding you're like whoa what the fuck holy cow it's real but instead of like you know seeing the bleeding arm pulling out the sword you're carrying and like cutting off the pirate's head yeah you just wake up and you're like oh god it's already cold i have to call sheath again i sleep nude too so like yeah i had to stop when i had kids yeah now i can't i can't sleep dude because i have kids a bit about crawling into bed yeah that's awesome it's a good hour bro thank you bro i appreciate it i was i was down cat i wasn't too downcast but i was sunday night scariest you're done you're over it yeah i was done and i was just like fuck easter sunday too yeah long day yeah easter weekend easter's feeling less and less like a real holiday yeah it's sort of a bummer the bowling alley was crowded and yeah it's like shouldn't we all it's like a jewish thing they didn't look jewish like chinese food on christmas what were the jews up to there was only one jew at the show last night was because it's a real hard loss for them true they need to think it over i was killing me yeah i need to just sit this one out jews thought you had it the only other i thought it was going to be just nothing but yeah just a victory lap yeah well goddamn dude i think we did it man what a joy thanks for having me guys let me give you the goddamn proper introduction i think you're the man you are the absolute man i was it was a joy i was i was telling my wife i was like i was watching you i actually was up there on the balcony and i was i was so i just got like stuck watching you and i was like fuck come on next what time i was like thank god i didn't just like miss it yeah i would have been like up there i had to run all the way down we're lucky that like the guys we get to hang out with are like good at the thing you know it's like really hard to like be friends with comics getting older if they're like not good yeah you know so it's like it was fun to watch you up there with butterly and mary jo and be like this guy's really good and like i have his phone number that's cool he's like one of the best guys i was well i was going this is sensei i was watching you i was gonna do that's a truly liberated i don't know 15 minutes because like i don't do showcases that's why i felt bad because i was like that's why i was like ah because it's weird doing a short time we're used to headlining well it's okay though like it's a skill i have to learn you know it's not a big deal but i am up like i'm like okay this i just get to the next thing you know yeah yeah it was fun awesome well you crushed well thank you for having me thanks for having me on the pod dude of course thanks for coming of course man bye goodbye watch new episodes of matt and shane secret podcast on spotify do it have you heard that mcdonald's spicy chicken mcnuggets made with spicy tempura and a blend of aged cayenne are back remember to grab a few extra napkins for a limited time at participating mcdonald's tammy regularly hauls stuff to her kids at college that's why she shops at bj's wholesale club saving up to 25 off grocery store prices beef jerky microwave meals laundry pods even they can't screw up have you met my kids and with bj's gas she gets there for less they call me the road warrior this is your home road warrior mom home of the save join for just 20 at bjs.com slash 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