Ep 606 - Leadership

Wow, wow, Wes What happened to squad Bro, I've been excited all morning, man squad is fuck. I leave town you guys the scenic are everyone's at each other's neck Yeah, man man thieves. I mean, I know. I don't want to point fingers But I know I look I don't know any better leadership. How have you been? Have you taken care of them? I was told was that do they can go care? I've seen them. You know what happened? Let me see them every week. I've worked in a pub every week. I've been working them I haven't been working in the pub and they get they get nasty And this is my leadership. I apologize leadership had failed us a little cuz the when I got home and Lamar let me in he was like Dude, this is an internal deal. Oh fuck. This is an internal deal. No. Hey, thanks for letting me live here I walk in I was like have you been smoking in my house and he's like no Yeah, you have Lamar King set up a high profile show. It's falling apart right now. Lamar set up a big show and then the rest of Optimus noctis is stabbed him in the back. Yeah Yeah, it's optimum traitorous. You would never do that. So now you're turning on Nate I mean you guys are considering bailing on Lamar Lamar it What the fuck man? Lamar do all three spots and just beast up This is general Get a cool $48 The five plummeted you and Lamar you got to fuck them up hold on time out time out Let's let's not pin this on me the leadership was good The leadership was good. What have you left you they set up an auxiliary deal and They just had some crack head deal going on it all fell apart now everyone's bad. What are you guys doing? You guys are sweating fucking pennies man. We're trying to fucking I just I felt a bad deal happening So I I chose to this morning to like decide I'm back this morning you welcome it said I'm not doing it I will I I asked oh get them like get them I get them like so just to provide context There was a there's a comedy festival Lamar got reached out Lamar signed these two up These guys these two fucking spoiled brats didn't like the bag They said that's not enough of a bad and now they're fucking up your reputation Lamar. I'm on your side bro Yeah, that's a little fucked up. Why'd you agree to say to do it when he told you it's not Lamar rounds like Ponzi schemes for stage time It's fucking wild. So Lamar bring us through bring us through the initial thing. We got to solve this bro We can I can't put her into these conditions. I was trying to get our show at the riot I was trying to get often not to say riot in Houston so we can do it there and then the guy was like let's you guys can Headline our festival we can do your show at the festival. I was like that's cool. Show him say $10,000 And then I sent them the email and they're like all right and then I told him I'm like they're in and then yeah, and then day before the The big show you're one of your closest friends. I will not the day before and It sounds worse where you wear this tomorrow. It is tomorrow, but I was starting to talk today about it. Yeah. It's today right now Yeah, you're right. So small fair enough. I just wasn't sure But I started trying to like just figure out more because they they haven't talked to me once I'm supposed to headline the show I don't I don't want to like shit on the thing, but they're just running. Oh now you are but I asked them but it's not for you if they were they just responded when I did tell me you were the king of potential was and My guarantee was they would have just they would have said 50 bucks if they'd have wrote back it would have been different They didn't even respond. That's I don't know Yeah, so far so you're saying it's like leaving a comedy festival. Just no no show Just not telling me when leaving a comedy festival something like that Would you say But I was the etiquette around here. I just I just wanted to have a nice homecoming episode and you guys Yeah, all I wanted to think you three of you stand outside of 7 11 right now scratch Squallowing dude. I was just so happy to have us all under one roof I was just so happy to see you guys and then to have you guys come in here's just Like women. Yeah, they're carrying at each other and I can fucking blame God dang you know what though that felt a lot faster than last year last year It felt like that your absence went on forever. This year it kind of did zip by yeah, so that was nice. Yeah I did feel I I felt like I was I was definitely gone for a while but You know nothing changed. No, it was like a time-bore text around here. We just it's just like fucking flew by I think it's was like I don't sleep ever so kind of as bumble through my days In a haze all the time But I'm I am really sad to see Lamar said. I know. It hurts me to see him said Imagine setting your makeup then forgetting it's even theirs meet new grippy setting mist from Mavily, New York Gel to mist technology locks in your look for up to 24 hours with flexible all-day comfy grip No tightness no stickiness no residue just plum do we hydrated skin that still feels like your skin try new Grippy setting mist from Mavily, New York. Maybe it's Maybe lane We have we have a war to attempt to I got stung by a wasp last night. Where's the nest? It's in an outlet out there Why open to the outlet last night and stuck my hand into unplug something I have fucking scared the fuck out of me A little risky to spray in the aerosol too. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know what to do now. We have a battle It's a very small nest. I think I can squash it with my hand if I have a nice glove Squash the nest. I'm like this fucking. That's not a bad idea. Get a falconers glove hyper punch. Yes And I my bedrooms on the other side of it I went to bed last night hand elevated because Just looking at the wall. I'm gonna kill the whole mess. It's wasp one. You haven't even struck back. I haven't struck back yet But they're gonna pay sacrifice the outlet get that get like Like that construction foam you spray it gets like real big real quick. You can just suffocate those guys at death and then just have Unless you can come out and swap the outlet just sacrifice yet. They they set up shop in that outlet being like he's not going to enter The electrical route it was promised me. Yes That's an outdoor you know those things you only get so many out the whole issue that case of beers been out there so long There's a bird's nest inside of it Nature is pretty excited nature is concerned against you having your beers and tunes. Yeah, he must have done nothing What the hell man? What have you done in this house? I can't have this Christmas decorations still up Forgetful the only thing he did was set back. He just took over his gunor cave again When he's got multiple monitors and then it stinks like somebody's been smoking inside of it You got doles green and he goes no, I haven't jacked a lot. He lied again about Jack Can't jack off in that man. I know. Yeah, that's the only place to jack off wait Ever jack off and that's what the polls for dude You have fountain in the backyard, you're just disintegrated. I walked into his room and it is with Mary. Isn't that that bad? Sigs? Has that been sigs in the pool cave or no? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, We're married. Isn't that that bad six is that been six in the pool cave or no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh Too is crazy it's an indoor blunt and you lying to me about Jack and all And you're using my fucking chair that I like Time out you claim zero jacks in the pool shack no pool sacks filled to the brim here Yeah, bro. He's got a big screen jack. You don't think there's been a big screen jack You know, just be honest dude. No jacks. Let me I've had like five big screen jacks here since he's be gone I've been written that couch out for the hour. Oh, this was the craziest thing. I come home My door my bedroom door is locked from the inside and I go what I was like you didn't have any parties Why is this door locked and he's like no, I never had anyone here. I locked that so that I wouldn't go in there He locks the door to keep himself out of my room. How strong was the desire to get in there and just stare at my bed? What the fuck are you doing? I just didn't want like I just thought that would be the best way to like Seal it and never like think about it again Jack it off in my room What are you off to? Oh, no, I do what I mean very thoughtful, but like what was the and he like nerd rush still unlock it I mean, I nerd rush to like a device he has over the top of the line You knew exactly the chopstick to find just get what was you didn't you didn't think you get like you thought maybe you get drunk and like No, I thought it's possible Yeah, look at me. I'm doing all Why would you love you? I mean, talk to my people. - I was just in the office. - Put on a ride fest and we talk again. (laughing) - I got to you get up and cover it's like. - Yeah, you got some of it, promise. (laughing) - I'll send my opener to you. - Oh, man. - I mean, that is awful not to. - No, to seal the door from yourself. (laughing) - I'm sorry, give me some help. - And then he knows how to unlock it. - I learned to be on my trick from another floor. - I should give the key to the police and be like, "Don't let me in, no matter what I say." No matter what I say later, don't let me in that room. - You got to explain to me your thought process. - I don't know. - You actually don't know your thought. - No, I just did that as soon as the guy here was like, "Nobody needs to go in here and I lock the door." - But that's when I start saying, "Nobody." As far as you told me you didn't have people here. - Yeah, I didn't really. I hadn't even shown here a couple times. - Now look at these two looking away. - They can't even look me in the eyes. (laughing) - He's got friends coming over, hitting me up saying, "Can I, Lamar so is cool if I stayed for a week?" - That's not, oh, fuck. - Yeah, fucking Dorian coming for a week. - Said the deeds, man. - The deeds, the deeds, my sister, coming in. It'll be me, deeds, Lamar, the fucking weirdest crew. - These two watching the anime every night. (laughing) Oh, fuck. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. The playoff push is heating up and tournament hoops are here. There's no better way to cash in on the high flying hoops action than PrizePix, where it always feels good to be right. Every fucking bucket, every dime, every win means more when you're playing on PrizePix. 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I think we, I was saying to Sean actually, the night we saw you, it was like, the last time you came back, we were going through hell and you coming back was like nice. And then this time it was like, it's still nice, but it was like, oh shit, we don't even need a man. Huh? - What you said? - Now you're like, we don't even fucking need a man now. No, no, that's not what I was saying. It was just, it was just, it was just a different, it was just, I would know I just remembered the hell. - Lamar, Lamar told me you were the king of Austin. - I don't know why he would say that though. - He told it to me, told me in complete sincerity, 'cause we were driving together and I asked him, I was like, what's going on in Austin now? And he was like, Nate's the fucking king. - I would be a little bit-- - We pulled up to a light yesterday, and there was a sticker of a guy's face and he was like, is that Nate? He thought people were putting up murals of you. And I was like, no, you fucking, why the fuck would somebody draw Nate? - You can't be that, he got me making that up. - I promise. - You're still doing that bit from the other day. - I'm not doing a bit. Let me ask, please. - Oh, that's the truth. Let's see what I'm all about. - You said I was the king of Austin. - There's zero percent chance that anyone said that, huh? - He said you were the king now, and that you're running it here. - But that's just, it's trying to make bad news for me. You don't mean that. - I think he was being totally serious, as devious as-- - Yeah, little mayor, can you back the, what's, what basis? - Oh, maybe he's just moving, right? - He's king's moving, he's got motion. - He's been moving, he's got some motion. - Yes, dude, the bird's back. - The bird's back in the bud light? - Yes. - What? - Well, I'm glad they're back because Tommy reached his hand in there last night. - Flew out, scared the fuck out of him. - He reached, he's like, he has a fucking bat in there. (laughing) It's right there. - That was a good bird. - That's awesome. Dude, I got locked out of the two days ago. I was running the bathtub, it was me and Chloe. And I'm like, all right, bathtub's running, and I'm like going and getting other shit and all of a sudden, it had been running for a minute. And Chloe comes up to me, she's like, "Um, the door's locked." And I was like, "What door?" She was like, "To the bathroom?" And I was like, "But the bathtub running?" She was like, "Yeah." And I was like, "How, do you lock the door?" She's like, "No." I'm like, "You lying?" She was, "Yeah, I'm very sorry." (laughing) - Are you mad at me? - That's how I live with the mayor. - Dude, fuck you. - I'm gonna, "Did you smoke a bun here?" - No, are you lying? Yes, I'm lying, I might have had two bunks. I'm really sorry. - Are you mad at me? - I was by God there. - What'd you do? - I, I was gonna knock the door, like through, I called Brittany and I'm like, "Well, where's the keys for this?" She's like, "Remember, it's this little screwdriver. You're going to figure it out." And I was like, "Where is that?" And I like ran downstairs, got the little, it's a little eyeglass screwdriver and it popped it open. And I got in, it was like, dude, literally that far from overflow and just ruining the floor. - Yeah. - I was scared. I was like, "Shitting myself." - Yeah, I would've been, I would've started slamming my body against the door. - I was, right away. - This close, if I didn't call for the key 'cause I was like pushing down as hard as I could and it was starting to like spin in the thing. I was like, "I'm not the shoulder of the door down." She was like, "What the fuck?" No. - Could've been sick. - That would've been tight. I could've easily kicked that thing in. So yeah, it would've been cool. But yeah, that was, I was shit in myself. But yeah, that's what happens, man. Doors get locked, there's no explanation. I asked her, I'm like, "Why did you do that?" She was like, "He had a new like Barbie toolset." She was like, "I used my tools to lock it." I'm like, "No, you just did your finger from the inside." - You did it. - Yeah, yeah. - So maybe you use his tools. Maybe you'll notice his tools locked the door. (laughing) - Ah, the squad's already back. I can feel the rift has been mended, I can feel it. - Nate's going to the festival, it's settled. Come on, Nate. - You gotta hit the fast. - Nate, come on, Nate. - Nope. (laughing) - That's great, Sean's going to go. - Sean's going to go. - I think Sean's in the back out. - Sean cares about his craft. - Yeah. - I'm sorry. - No, I would never do that to the man. (laughing) - Lamar, who's your better friend out of Sean and Nate now? - I don't know, Sam Talon's going to do the podcast on Saturday, so that would be pretty cool. - That's a good answer. - Yeah, incredible answer. - He's become a politician since you've been gone. - Yeah, that's interesting, yeah, so. (laughing) - I'm just saying, it's interesting. I haven't had anyone talk about APEC, that's interesting. (laughing) I don't even think about APEC. (laughing) - Well, gosh darn it, man. - Yeah. - I'll tell you what. I don't know, dude, I have a, I've been getting a lot of pressure to get a different car. People get up in my ass as I have a CRV. - CRVs are sick. - That's what I said, I'm like, this is a nice car. And they're like, dude, that's ridiculous. You got like, what are you going to get next? I'm like, I don't know if that-- - I'm on CRV. - It's 50,000 miles, I'm going to rock the thing for a while. The only thing now I'm thinking is I'm getting peer pressure to get something, I might trick it out completely. Like kind of low key, but just like a matte black paint job. Or a rap, I think a rap's cheaper. - Dude, matte black, I'm gonna CRV would be fucking awesome. - And nobody's done that. - I don't think anyone has, matte black, like a almost military vehicle, I would get matte black, insides completely torn out and everything sprayed with like a epoxy basically. I want a car that's like completely waterproof surfaces that I can just take a leaf flow or two and just blow everything out and just pick it up. - So that might be the new whip. - I would support that. - Thank you. - Tenured windows. - For sure. - I want it to look like literally a mirror. I'm gonna try to make it look like a very shitty cyber truck, slam it down a little bit. They have them do whatever they can do to the engine to like speed it up. - When I was bumper stickers, it's like, I bought this before Elon Musk. (laughing) - This is CRV, the fastest guy talking about. - That's actually a really good idea. Throw that all the way I bought this before. - Before Elon Musk with it. - Just filling it up in a gas station. Dude, those I bought this before Elon bumper stickers or I think the pinnacle of like Facebook or whatever like Instagram politics which is completely meaningless where you're like, why are you doing this? Just get it. If you really hate the guy that much, sell the car. Put your fucking money where your mouth is. If you think he's truly like a despot ruining the country evil billionaire, it's like trade in the motherfucking, get something else. Get a river on, bro. - CRV dude, it's time. Get a fucking CRV, support Japan. - It is time to support Japan. - Japan's huge right now. - We're gonna need them. - Uh-huh. - Has anyone even helped us? - No. - If I'd ever, no one's helped. - Actually, yeah. - Our closest ally is helping the hell out of us. - Obviously, obviously our closest ally. - Our only friend. - America's only friend. Nobody else likes us. - The mayor's politics right now must be feeling good, dude. the view is confident right now. The view is gone. We talked you should've listened to us. How do you feel right now? I just feel bad. He didn't do anything he was going to say. Yeah. Yeah. So I feel bad about so many upset people. Yeah. People have never hurt people. People are mad. I want to I want them to take that straight of her moves. Yeah, I need that. Yeah. What the hell, man? I said I was going to open it on Monday. You said you're going to open it. Yeah. I called it. I said, don't worry guys. I'm going to open it. You should open it. I can't. It's about Iran's to be hard. It turns out Iran's nasty. Oh, I thought it was going to be like Venezuela Venezuela, Venezuela, part two. It's like, bro, I thought we're big and bad. Dude, get that straight. Open it up. Open the straight. You think they would have responded nicely after we blew up their leader with a missile. You think they'd be like, all right, never mind. We don't want to fuck with you guys. You blew up a 86 year old with a Tomahawk missile. It's so funny. We killed a fucking 90 year old man with a missile, dude. I've been laughing at how their leaders all look like evil wizards. They are all evil. There's also like giant long beards like a black hat. It's got exploded in this fucking house. I was reading about their like enriched uranium or whatever. You know, it's buried under like a deep mountain. It's like a evil like Dr. Evil there. Yeah. And apparently they can, I guess from like the radioactive signature or whatever, they can like monitor it like almost like a thermal image where they're like, there it is. I don't know how true that I believe anything because it's not saying. It's like underneath a mountain. I think the people tell us that are the ones going, no, they're really enriching that uranium. That's why we can see it. Well, that's that's the thing too. It's just trying to fucking blow them up. Well, they also, we did this. We did the WMDs. We're like, you trust those guys. But this time we're like, we got sensors that are actually picking up the WM. They've been telling us they're going to do this. Well, and apparently so if they don't, if if Iran doesn't just completely capitulate and be like, all right, here's all of our like nukes we've been building forever, we'd have to go to like a subterranean layer. Well, you'd have to go extract their stuff. Yeah, you have to go to a subterranean layer under in an active war zone and just somehow transport giant radioactive barrels. Be sick. It's going to be the ultimate. It's like the last level of a video game. It's like a really hard level. They're going to need the a b a b select start up that left right for that. That's going to be a tough one. We don't need that to be tough. But I want straighter or moves open. Yeah, he needs to be open or muse. Listen up, or muse. Yeah, open up dude. Yeah, open up. I want my fucking drones at us. Yeah, that's fucking annoying. This is shit, dude. I know you do what we do. Drones. More expensive cooler drones. Yeah, I just wish they listened to us and let us be the boss. They should listen to us. I know what the fuck's the problem? Don't they fucking know? Apparently not. Apparently not. And then I've been watching the beef on Cuba. I always forget we're still fucking block eight in them as well. Yeah, they shouldn't have done whatever they fucking did. You know, I'm sick of them. Hey man. Cuba better stop doing whatever they did to make us mad. Yeah. And I will save them from fucking communism. We'll come back to them. Starve him out. Do you hear your boy Trump on Cuba? No, he said he was like, I could take Cuba. I could do whatever I want to Cuba. And the reporter was like, what do you mean? He's like, I mean, I fucking take it if I want. Or maybe I'll turn it into a nice little vacation spot. Anyway, God damn brother. Yeah, dude. He's wowing out. I'm telling you he's got it. We got to learn dude and just get like a 50 year old. We need a 50 year old bro. It's present. That's that's prime president age. White walls just new fucking fresh. Yeah, gray size. Tommy Pope. Yeah, we need Tommy Pope to be president. What? His press conference is so nice. What? Guys got fucking hot dog water in his brains. We're gonna blow him up. Yeah, Cuba. I'm sick of Cuba, dude. Yeah, man, I better fucking get with the pro tire to Cuba. I need Greenland still. Don't we have Greenland? It's time for Denmark to give us Greenland. Yeah. Didn't know Denmark had Greenland. That's yeah. He's the news. I didn't know. Yeah, I don't think most people know that. Greenland acts like it's independent. Well, they ain't. Yeah, what the hell is that? I don't know. Fucking shape up. It better. Always people better take up if we return. We'd better turn the world into our vacation spots, which we like vacation spots. He used to kiss. Now we just can't even go to them because we'll good behead it. I know. I know. It's a shame. Go to any of the vacation spots. I'll tell you what, though, the ride at Comedy Fest bag next year is gonna be fat. Now it's war zone plus negative comments. They're gonna have to pay me next. And I'm getting my head cut off right away. The bag for the bag for that's gonna be so nice. I'm getting punched right when I get. We heard what you said about me. Their next flyer is gonna be your head in like a wooden box. Featuring the evil trader, Shane Gillis. They're very sorry trader, Shane Gillis. The coward. Yeah, no, that's a I'm excited to see. That'll be cool. The bag. Yeah, the bag on that sort of. The Saudi bag would be naughty for next year in the war zone. Unless I ran, it keeps winning. They'll fuck dude. That might be I ran by next year. They're I rank. I ran might expand at this right there. They are fucking shit up. I think they killed like six guys. Yeah. Yeah. Oh no. They're going nuts. Well, I've been trying to figure out because I've been trying to like use fired 20,000 drums and hit like four guys and we're like, we can't fuck with these guys. They're too strong. That's what we're trying to figure out is all the news is like disaster, disaster, drum spinning out. It's over. And you know, I'm trying to keep like a 360 view of like, I don't want to get caught up on either side of the prop again, but it's like, bro, like give me something. Like is it? I don't know anything that's happening. No, I can't I literally can't get a read on it. I just know I need Cuba soon. I just talked to Grock all day. I just what's Grock saying about it. He's wrong about everything. Yeah. Grocks, Grocks would help me like with my garden. I'll rock never even put squirrels and bikinis when people ask him to. What is it? What's Grock do? Fucking never does it. I'm always checking. I got did Grock do it now. So it only takes a hot picture of someone goes Grock put her in this outfit. It's like a song. Grock never does it. Grock's a bitch. It's like, no, thank you. Yeah. It just doesn't do it. Yeah. Grock. I hope Grock is fucking hit with a bazooka. I hope I ran. Grock with a bazooka. Yeah. That'd be terrible. Well, Masuke's gonna pay for the TSA guys. That'd be sick. Yeah. Also, I went I flew this weekend TSA. Not one person was in line. It was great. Yeah. Well, what they do is they take the all the videos are at like seven AM 630 when it's like prime time flying. I went to Austin the one when they had like the news cameras are because it was like a line all the way outside. Dude, it took me. Yes, first of all, they're like TSA pre-checked out open. It's been open everywhere, everyone. Yeah. And I was outside. It took like 30 minutes. I got right through. But yeah, it was funny. There was a guy behind me. We were like outside. It's early in the morning. And like, you know, there's like when it's real crowded, they hold it. There's like a lady with an orange flag and gotta like find that person and stand there. That's like this is on you for taking these early ass fucking flights. I like to get my nap. I like to get there and I fly day off. And it's like, of course you fly. Yeah. But when they say you got to get here the day before I'm like, man, get the fuck out of here. That's ridiculous. It's crazy. But I fly early and it's it's not even bad. I get there an hour, an hour and a half early like I'm chilling. But there's the lady's home the flag. I find that flag lady. And I'm like, all right, lines here. And I saw this guy. I think it was a Disney adult. He had the Disney backpack. He just stands. He goes in line and then he just stands like shoulder to shoulder with me and then inches forward. And then dude, there's we're outside of the airport waiting to get in. I'm looking at him like, bro, what did you get there before the airport's open? No, I'm saying like you're not it. The lines went outside. It went outside. Jesus. But it looks bad on the news. I'd be going home. It's not that dude. It's it was 30 minutes. All said I'm done. And the guys like shoulder to shoulder creeps in front of me. And I'm like, yo, bro, where are you going, man? He was like, oh, I'm just getting in line. I'm like, bro, I'm the back of line. He was like, my flight to seven o'clock is boarding now. Trying to butt in front of one person. You got a button for the one person. I was like, dude, like I was like, it makes you feel better since you're late. You can't get in front of me. But you got to go beg for mercy at the very front. Just go cry to them and tell them your flights boarding as your only hope because he was like, you think I'll make it? I was like, no, you're not going to make it. You're not going to make it. He was just sitting there whole time like tapping and tapping. Finally, finally, he took my advice and went to the TSA like, whatever faceless idea. And they were like, go ahead, man, slow him through. And I was he was just like stimming out and I was like, where the fuck do you think that guy had to go? You have a Disney book back on. You have nowhere to go. No, you have an important business meeting. Dude, he was just my flight's boarding. Yeah. So my flight's boarding right now. I was like, yeah, dickhead, you can't show up on your flight's boarding on a fucking Friday at 6 30 a.m. Move it. Yeah. I got in a couple of the ice agents said, what up? It's all the ice agents. No pictures, fellas. Please, no pictures. Drop. Give me a picture of letting Shane hold the gun at the airport. The guy was like, I went to your high school. I was like, sick. Well, please, no picture. Please don't ask. Please, don't ask. I'm kind of excited. I say agent pictures. I know. I want to see him. I got to fly next week. I want to see I wanted to see like I took two weeks off and I'm like, I wanted to see those guys in the airport. Should have hassled them like the people on the internet are doing. True. You're welcome. Yeah. You fucking race trader bitch. So fucking crazy. I know. - I know. - There's a funny guy who's going to Mexico on vacation and he goes up to the ice agent and he's like, you guys think you can get me there quicker and then the ice agent's crack up better. - That's awesome, that's awesome. - That is awesome. I said it before, man, my personal politics is whatever it takes to move the lines at the airport, I don't care. - Yeah. - You can put anybody there. I'd be like, - Yeah. - Go for it. - Yes. - You can put I ran, got an airport. I'd be like, let's go boys. - You know what, you guys should have enriched your area and I don't give a fuck. Let me through this fucking scanner right now. I'm a one issue voter, I'm an airport line, so that's it. It's all I care about. Speed up by five minutes, you got my vote. - I swear to God, I am. (laughs) - That's like true. - It's all I care about. That's the one thing I'm like, no, for real guys, we gotta figure this out. It is bullshit, they don't stop arguing and just both parties should go all right. Let's like take TSA out of our big giant packages of deals and just both say yes to finding TSA. How have you let nature just destroy our backyard? A squirrel was young at us when we walked in. Nature's on our house, dude. Where he's in a tree and he wouldn't budge. He's just gone, (laughs) he's barking at the mayor. - What the hell? - It was a very adorable squirrel. - Wasn't it? - I was scared of him. I thought he was gonna jump down on us 'cause I've never seen a squirrel do that. He stood his ground on us. - What noise was he making? He was like bark. - Yeah, it was like a squirrel bark. - What? - Well, it's funny 'cause they rarely are rabid, I think. I don't think rodents get rabies like that. - They are just defending his husband tree. - That's crazy. - Might have been babies up there. Might have been a squirrel. - I saw you and he's like, this fucking bear is gonna try to eat my fucking (laughs) - Fuckers can climb too. He's gonna climb up here. - I just, I just made sure nothing was like touched. - I tried to at least. - You did a great job. - He was guarding the portal, dude. - He did. - And I saw him guard it. - I have the ring camera. It's the only time I talk to him. - What are you doing? Where are you going? - I'm in the creek playing board games at the creek. - Yeah, all right. - Dude, they got the mare hooping. They got the mare hooping on the creek. - I saw that. - I did see the mare hooping on there and I said, all right, maybe he would score a bucket. He had a nice laugh. I was like, oh shit. - Yeah, man. - Deceptive. - Did I play Pick Up Basketball two days ago? I still have a headache. - But then I did go to the gym with the mare yesterday and you're not getting more than two points. You're gonna be so gassed. - Oh, that's so. - The mare said he could beat me in a race. While you were going, the mare frill was like, no, seriously, I could beat you. I was like, the mare, that's not even, that's just lying. That's crazy. Why did you say that? - I don't know, it's having fun. - All right. - That's fair. - That's fair. - You believed it. How drunk were you when you made the claim? - I was just going to do some real weird things. Like 10, 30 a.m., I don't know how it came up. - 10, 30. - Huh? - What the fuck was he doing with 10, 30? - I'm not doing an early cast. It might have been noon though, actually, a lot of noon. And noon, I think high noon, it looked me in the eyes like I could beat you in a race. Why are you doing that, man? - Do you think you could beat Nate in a race? - That's a good question. - I think it could be Nate in a race. - How about you guys race to Houston, do you see that? The winner gets $48 and gets to bomb for an hour in front of 12 guys. Yeah, then I'm just going to go, "Music, music, the man." - They go on redding, "Oh, I saw him, he fucking sucked, man." "Fuck him, I saw him, fucking sucks, I can see shit." Oh, boy, oh boy. I'll tell you what, man. - Yeah, it's good to be back. - Yeah. - It's good times, right in time for summer too. - It's good to be back. I don't have a vehicle right now, so I'm with the mercy of the knees. - The knees, please, me, you ride, bro, please. - You're in the knees, Sadies. - I am in the knees, Sadies. - Dang, where's your vehicle getting transported down? - Yeah. - That's what's up. - Fucking nice. - Until then, I'm at the mercy of the knees. - Go horse, go horseback. - Mercy. - Maze, what time do you leave for Houston tomorrow? - Two. - Yeah. - Okay. - My vehicle is coming tomorrow. I need someone here. - No, you're not doing anything. (laughing) - You want a chittle? - Yeah. - The ear. - Nice. Hell yeah. - Yeah, I'm trying to think, you don't really do anything. - Yeah. - Stung by the wasp was big. - Stung by the wasp. - That didn't happen to me in years. - Dude, I forgot how bad that fucking hurts, dude. - You want to cry. - I was mad at the wasp. I was like, what's the point of it still hurting? - Yeah. - And wasp? - It's a defense back like it's to get you away. - Yeah. - But then I thought about more and it does work. I was scared to walk over there. - Oh, for sure. - I don't want to go back over to that side of my house. - We got it after this. - Pain. - Let's go take care of that when we're done. - I'd like that. - Yeah. - But you'll see the nest is that big. It's literally one fucking one cell. - Yeah. - Is it inside the outlet or in the cover? - Inside the cover. - Oh, we got that. - Yeah. - Oh, we got to lift it. - I'm one person with a broomstick to lift it up. - The fucking thing was he, I woke him up last night. I opened it and stuck my hand in the kitchen. I could hear it. I heard it in noise. - And I don't think that-- - I hope it was a wasp, I don't imagine. - Probably, they don't lose their stinger either. So that guy's still alive. They don't like sting you and die. - I got hit with a double as hookah. - That fucking dickhead. - I had a bee land on my ankle. I was outside working out and it landed on my ankle. That was like a big fly and I was like, fuck off me. I got it off. It was all in there for like five seconds. Came and landed on my other ankle for five more seconds. And I was like, I saw as a bee. I was like, what the fuck? Just a bee, chill. - Dude, here, just chill. - No, didn't even sting me. It was crazy. - It was nice. - Yeah, I was kind of scared though. It was kind of like, damn, do you think it got me? - I was already afraid of these wasps. Yeah, they dominated my pool. - Yeah. - They're in count of it. They're always there. Now I'm really scared of them. Now that I've felt they're fucking wrapped. It's not a tip of my pinky. That thing wouldn't have killed anywhere else. You get that on like a fucking shoulder. You're belly or something that would fucking kill. - It's like, it's like tattoo logic. - Yeah. - Whatever a tattoo would hurt. - Absolutely. - A belly sting. I think a belly sting would be better though. I don't know. - I feel like like the bone elbow would hurt. Dude, I got stung literally same spot. Right in the finger. It hurt so fucking bad. - I was trying to sleep and it kept hurting randomly. It would just feel like I got stung again. It was like fucking why I'm going to kill it. It was my problem. - I told you, last summer when I got stung, it was late summer when they get all weird and old. It just came down from a tree, landing on my finger, stung and flew away. And I was like, what the fuck? I wasn't even near the nest. Just stung me. I literally was like, I was like this walking, holding my finger like, oh, that's what I, there was a Mexican sweet boy at the restaurant I was at. I had ordered stuff to go and I like, it was like dude, just be cool. - As soon as he looked at me, I was like, it's got stung by a wasp. - Of course. - I got to tell, so I'm gonna tell everybody. - I got to tell a trusted adult. I was like, I got hurt. I got hurt right now. - You never gonna believe what just happened. You know the scariest fucking bugs it attacked me. - Yeah, man, he had, he had very kind eyes and I was just kind of like, I got to tell you that. - Sweet boy did? - Yeah, very kind eyes. So I got to tell you something, brother. - Yeah. - He put it, he put it, he put it, he put it like a cold or chata on me, cold or chata on my finger. It'd have been nice. He did his milk on me. - This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Growing up. - To help with the better. - Would you have to learn about money growing up, any financial stress you experienced? - Personally, I, yeah, I just never had it. - Yeah. - I didn't really, I wasn't stressed about it. - True. You ain't worried about it. - I ain't worried about it. - My problem growing up is, my money, my problems, I was too many dampers. - No, I was pretty stressed about it. Once you get a little older, I was grown up when I started getting stressed about money. - Yeah, money, yeah. - When I was a young man, the only thing I was stressed, I would steal quarters from my parents to get choco tacos when the ice cream truck came by. - That stress. - And that was stressful because I'm not gonna fuck these guys over and give them nickels. - Yeah, I remember. - I'll find all the quarters. - I don't, I remember just having a bunch of like tens and fives that smelled like weed and I have to take them to the bank, that's stressful. - That is stressful. - I'm like, please don't fucking smell these bills. - Is better health talking about money now? - Yeah, dude. - I thought that money earned. - When we talked money, I'm always reminded of a moment when I felt stressed and overwhelmed. Time I was struggling to pay the rent and when tax season rolls around. Yeah, I mean, money's stressful. Hey guys, our relationship with money can be dot, dot, dot weird and not always good. You're feeling the stress. You're not alone. And guess what? There's something you can do. Try therapy with better health. - Yeah. Let's solve your financial woes, but they can help you better manage the anxiety that comes with it. Better health's fully licensed therapists have served millions of people around the world, changing their relationship with money, other people, even themselves, because everything is entirely online. It's easier at the support you need when you need it. - That's not good. That's not a good sign. - It's a weird angle. - For the economy. - Yeah. - It's not a good sign. - Yeah, you're sad and. - Hey, what are you talking about? - You've fucked right now? - Strangely. - Yeah, that is a bad guy's when life feels overwhelming. Therapy can help. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com/mssp. That's betteraglp.com/mssp. - Okay. April 17th, I'll be in Nashville, the 18th, I'll be in Charlotte. Monday, May 4th, I'll be at the Hollywood Bowl in LA. - So fucking Monday, you're like, it's crazy. Thursday, I'll be, Thursday Friday Saturday, May 7th, 8th and 9th, I'll be in Boston, and July 17th at the link, and there's a few shows, there's a couple of tickets left for that. Get on it. - Hell yeah, guys, 4/10, April 10th, I'll be at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota. The day after that, I'll be in Des Moines, Iowa, and then like I was talking about celebrity theater, Phoenix, Arizona, then Tucson, and I'll be in Toronto, 5/15. I think, I've two shows, I think they're both sold out. Might add a third. - Fuck yeah, Toronto rules. - Toronto does seem sick, I might add a third, but I don't know, hopefully I just want to do two. - Toronto doesn't have bombs. - It doesn't? - No, they didn't Waterloo. - And then Chicago, 5/16, Riviera Theater, and also I'll be at the mothership, all of this weekend Friday Saturday, and so I think only Sunday and late Saturday's left, so please come. - Thank you. - Oh, and you can catch Nate at the Comedy Festival tomorrow. Goodbye. - Yeah. - Damn, other than that, dude, I've been all business, man. I've been down here just. - You've been strictly business. - Strictly business. - Strictly business. - Strictly business, man. I just been fucking like working out and doing stuff and not sleeping, it's been tight. - Yeah, it was just doing tires. - Yeah. - That was it. - Her debt. That was it? - Global conflict. - Global conflict. - I know nothing about. And then doing tires. - Dude, I'm telling you though, be ball. I think my toenail's gonna fall off. You know what you would stop real hard to choose? I think I'm gonna lose my left toenail. Dude, I played five games and I felt like I've had a fever for two days. I felt the next morning I woke up and I was telling Bernie, I was like, "Not even sore, man. I must be in shape. I'm working out." By noon I was like, "How's my fucking head hurt so bad?" I laid down for like three hours, I went to bed. I still feel fucked up today. - Yeah, it was nice. I was going to bed last night. I was like, "What the fuck am I so tired?" And I was like, "Oh yeah, I worked out." - Yeah. - The first time in forever. - Yeah. - What's the protocol? - What do you mean? - What was the workout protocol? - There was nothing. I literally went there to sauna and cold plunge. - That's nice. - But then we, I lifted a little. - Nice. - It was nice. What, you smiling at it? And then got in and got, I'm not doing a fucking cold plunge. - Did the sauna lift? - Really? - Yeah. - I stared at the cold plunge, put my hand in it. I was like, "I don't have it today, boys." - That's true. That's true. I've acclimated to it now where I can pop in. - I used to be able to-- - You were a cold plunge kid. - I love a cold plunge. - I was cold plunge baby. I couldn't do it. Now I can sit in there for three minutes and just kind of like, I got into Barton Springs recently. It felt like nothing. - That's nice. - It was, I was like, "Dude, I, I don't know, what's up with the diving board there?" I try to do a backflip. Dude, the diving board's fucked up. It just, you know when you're on a trampoline with someone and they steal your bounce and you don't go up at all? I try to do a backflip off it. I don't know what happened. The board stole my bounce. So I just like didn't get any air and just went, "Woo, my legs." - Did you get a bunch of people there? - Yeah, my legs whipped as hard as they could go and his water shot up my nose. I landed on my face and water shot up my nose. - Oh, that's not good. - Dude, you know what I mean? Like, you're getting like almost like an accident and it takes a second and like, what the fuck happened? I got out of the water like. - And you're trying to show out. - You're trying to show out. - I'm trying to show out. - Have you ever seen titties there? - No. - Well, I did see asterisk. I saw titties that got the nipples removed when I was there. And actually, there wasn't a ton of people there. I went early. So I had, when you, like two days ago, I had Cory Hyder on. The guy from Instagram goes through all the houses or whatever. And so I took him down there. And so we saw that first of all. He saw my backflip. It was fucking trash. And then I go down and we see like, I was telling him, I'm like, yo, sometimes there's like titties here. Walk, there are titties, but there's no nipple. I don't know what was going on with them. I was just like, a little fucking like, you know. So then, you know, we're getting out. And so we go to the locker room. And I was like, before we walk in, I'm like, oh, that was like a locker room. - Well, I had to get warm clothes. I had to get changed out. But dude, so, and I thought there'd be like dressing stalls in there. So like, we're walking in. I'm like, you know what I'm saying? - You know what I'm saying? - No, no, no, no. - He got naked in front of a bus. - I didn't get naked. I didn't get naked, but when I brought him in, I was like, dude, this is another thing I love down here. When you go into these bathrooms, I was trying, about to say like, there's no ceiling a lot of the times, or you're like, it's a sky, but you're in the bathroom. I'm like, bro, I fucking love the bathrooms. And we turn a corner, just a fucking glistening hog. And I was like, I didn't finish my sentence. - Dude, I love them. - I walk in. It's just a dude rinsing off. And it's like, bro, I think he was bricked. Honestly, it was like a bricked up hog. And then the guy is talking this close to him while he's showering. And the dude, Corey, we just both went silent. Just staring straight ahead. And like, as soon as he went, I was like, almost just, dude, I almost just walked out. I almost turned around. And then I got walked to an emergency exit and it was like in a dead end. We both just, dude, we both just stood there. And I was like, dude, I didn't know that guy was gonna be there. I didn't know that guy was gonna be there. He's like, dude, chill, I'll go to the stall. I'll get changed. I was like, the fuck are we gonna do? We can't get naked with each other. And he's like, I'll go to the bathroom stall and I was like, all right, cool. And he was like, dude, that guy's bricked up for real. That guy was crazy. So we like giggle and walk back. And he goes in the stall and he's changed. And I just, I turned and gave the guy, bricked up guy, but I just turned, I just, I just, I jumped around. - Showed him a bricked up guy, yeah. - Showed him, I showed him my ass. 'Cause I was like, I can't, dude, it's, oh, dude, I'm not gonna give him penis, dude. Although that could have been. - Why was he getting naked in there? - Well, he was, he had hog out and I was gonna do like, dressed, 'cause I gave the stall, obviously, to the guests. I'm like, yeah, I don't, I'll handle the streets out here. So then I'm like, you go in. And then I was like, I felt kind of like a bitch getting dressed under my towel and the guy was presenting hog. So I just presented my strong suit, which is my cake. So I, I presented, 'cause I was like fully stripped out. So I was like, I'm gonna show him my cake, bro. - I'm like, that'll shrimp you out. - Dude, I was shrimp from the water. - See a monster hog like that? - I couldn't present to you. - I was fucked. He was having a conversation, glistening hog, in the stomach. - Do you remember what he was talking about? - Dude, it was like a flashbang. It was just like (imitates gun) So it was probably like a city employee, I think. That's, he struck me as like a guy when you go get like a construction permit. He's like, I don't know, man. I don't know. He struck me as one of those guys. - I thought he was. - Total composure. - Sounds like a homosexual man. - I, very high probability. Yeah, very high probability, actually. So, but then I did have a pal at cleanser. So then I, you know, I got, I got my clothes on. You know, I abandoned the towel. I was partially a man in the locker room, but I did show ass. And then I turned around, Corey, I'm like, I'm dressed, Corey comes out, he's dressed. And we turned around. There's an old man who had walked in and I was like, oh no, dude, we got another incoming hog. Bro is inverted. And that was like a palette cleanser for me. I was like, all right, here we go. We got like an old inverted teeness, a fucking glistening Mexican hog. By then he had pulled on the briefs, thank God. Dude, the guy fucking like close-talked in the whole time he was showering. It was so funny. - It was crazy. - It was crazy. I'd never been in the locker room before Barton Spring. So I was like, I'd imagine that is definitely a hot spot. - Bro, I kind of put that together. I got there and I went, ooh, okay. 'Cause the bros were happy in there. The bros were in there, chipper as could be. - Everyone in there has a Ukraine flag in the front. - Yeah, every single one of them. - I just, I felt so bad. I'd be like, this is one of my favorite things. They're out down here, return a corner. I'm like, oh, God damn it, fuck. Dude, it was, I mean, you know what you're like, you know what you just fall from being completely breaked up and you're like getting a shower and you check yourself in the mirror and you go, yeah, pretty much it's like this, all the things. That's what he presented. It was like a flawless, flaccid presentation. I gotta give it to the guy. It was the best. - Cirque though. - I believe so. I kind of avert in my eyes pretty quickly, but I'm pretty sure I would have registered if it was on Cirque. 'Cause that would have been another factor that haunted my fucking dreams. - Yeah, I think it was just like a, yeah, that was, the cori was like, bro, that was like a health class. I thought I was in health class. It was just weird dogs all around. And to close talking while naked, I'll never understand. And it was clothe male, nude male too. One guy was fully clothed just sitting there like, yeah, dude, so anyway. - Yeah, you can't do that. - No, it was, that was, that was a shocker. And I got out like 65 degree water. So I'm like, that was, that was the big question. We were like, how the fuck is that guy presenting like that? We just got out of the chili water. They might have just got out of something else. - True, could have been. - That was what I was thinking about. I mean, that'd be so sick to be gay and just be like, watching dude swim for an hour, you get out, everyone's dicks are out. Well, that must be so fucking sick. You know what I'm saying? I'd be like, if you swam, it was just babes and you just go and get changed. - Yeah, but then if you go in the locker room and you glance, there's a chance you get beat to death, you know? - What do you mean? - By a homophobic man. - Ah, right, right. - You know? - You had numbers, bro. - Scoping dogs. - They had numbers. - They did. - They are running a risk 'cause what I'm saying. - Oh, for sure. For sure. - Down in Texas way. - But in that locker room, they had absolute numbers. If I had been like, what the fuck? I would've gotten probably slapped death. (laughing) - It would've been slapped death. - Death by the thousands slap. (laughing) - He died by sissy. - That was fun. That was still though. That was a funny moment. - Mexican sissy beat it by death. (laughing) - I already came back just fucking mushroom-tatted up. He just whipped me with his giant hug. (laughing) Had a Britney nurse, my mushroom-tats. (laughing) - That was a good shot. The tip of the. - The claws? - It'd be too big. - Did you get slapped by a claw? I'm like, dude, he was kind of bricked. He was actually just like. - I was like, getting out of the car. - How did he whip you if he was bricked? You'd be like, it just settled. I swear to God. Just settled. - He brought his hips with him. He's fucking. (laughing) the dick guards, but just pulled the. the bone out of it. Fuck it. There are, but there are some big fish down there though. And the bar and creek, I had my goggles on. I was down there. So jealous of everyone bro. I had the dogs and I was, dude, there was like four or five big fish down there. I was very pumped about it. You should start fishing down there and get a beat up by the sissy. Oh, the sissy's would fuck you up the sissy's in the, yeah. They would, they would scream at you. Also dudes, people just swim into you. If you're not like doing like full laps and just kind of like chilling in the water, you got like literally swam into by a guy. Just bulldozed right in. And he was like, and I didn't say anything. And then a dude, Corey was like, God damn, what the hell? And he's like, Oh, I'm sorry about that. And just kept kept going. He's backstroke and just right into him. I like that. I should have caught a ride. I shouldn't have jumped on him. Like a bargain. But yeah, Barton Springs is I think it's the best place fucking rules, all things considered. I'll just drive home my wet bathing suit next time. Yeah, you have to. Yeah, that's why it was like chilly. I was like, you know, let me be considered. I don't want to sign a guy out to be chilly and wet. I didn't feel like that would be a very hospitable thing to do being chilly and wet sucks. Yeah. I do it. I do the cold plunge at my gym. And then I just drive home. I've been doing natural reheat. No sauna. You just get out, yeah, and just fucking head back. And I drive when I use that's why I always bring here feels really good. I'm always cold for like the rest of the day. You're cold for a while. Yeah. If you do it all the time, your body like I now I would get so cold that I'd be actually scared. I would drive and be like, dude, for real. I'm like, I'm getting light headed. This is fucked up. Your body adapts quick. Now I can just kind of drive home. No big deal. But it's like, that's why I was like, I don't want to sign someone up because I did a lot of wet cold drive. So I'm like, I can't put that on somebody. Not a fucking civilian in terms of this cold war game. No. Can't do that. I'm back to civilian status. You'll get it right back. I got to get in there. Get it right back. I couldn't even get my pool yesterday. It's too chilly. Are you serious? Yeah. I mean, I've lost my. No, that'll put some lead in your pencil. I need it. I don't put some lead in your, you getting that cold water, bro, that'll put some lead. That'll put some number two graphite right back in the pencil. I'm back to drinking though. Excited about that. That's nice. Yeah. As soon as I got back to Austin directly back to a terrible schedule. No changes. I was so I was like, this is great. Not real. So great. Feel great. As soon as I get back, I'll go out tonight. Fuck it. Austin's fun. It's nice out. It is fun. There's something about the sun in the summer here. It's very hard to not drink. I still got to get a boat trip. Yeah. Excited about that. Never been. I've been on one. It was like shitty and cold Christmas lights. It was a Christmas light. I bet it'd be nice. I love it. Yeah. Put me on the water, bro. Change. It's very fun. Yeah. People lose their minds at sea. Yeah. These guys, you guys went nuts last time where it's swimming. All of a sudden, you thought you could swim. You got drunk and confident. I threw him. He's going to die. Yeah. I can't be. It's for real. Keep an eye on him because he cannot swim. The safety vest though. I like that. Yeah. Still. Yeah. I didn't like it. I went back on board. You're ass floats. Yeah. I was top in bottom buoyant. It was I was flow. It was flow. What? Top in bottom buoyant. I think I used that word right? I think so. Yeah. That sounds fine. I said top in bottom and boy. I'm going to call you gay again. As you see, less zesties. That's why he's become the king. Or is he still yet to go to the zesty underworld? Now he became a straight king. Yeah. Straight king. Yeah. It doesn't bother us anymore. He's just super zesty. We just let him be. I think you know the mayor's bad at me. I can't. And again, I get it. You guys have reservations about it. I think it's totally innocent in the project. I try to give him the black swim club as an idea. I think it'd be you guys could be defying stereotypes. It's you too in the pool. You bring another black comic over. You just chop it up, talk about whatever. Then I'll honestly that'd be a really swim on camera. Fucking funny ass. I know. Man, and they won't do it. None of you can smell million dollar ideas. Just try to talk while you're doggy battling with your ass in the air. I think you know what? Can't be it. Can't lose it. We can't lose anybody though. We have white lifeguards. Yeah. We will have the whites. No. I don't trust y'all. Do not watch us drown. We're going to let you drown a little. Now we take water very seriously. That's true. I was genuinely concerned for you. I had it. We had the we had the big like floating. It wasn't a floating bed, but that floating thing. We were safe. We were safe. Yeah. Tommy was teaching us how to swim. Tommy was blacked out. I know. That was my favorite part. He kept yelling like, oh, yeah, you got it. Fucking swim. He's tried to give it a take the life to swim off the middle of the river. It's like, dude, he can't swim. He needs me to hold on to the boat. He's trying to get a little kid that's so funny to get him in to try to get him in the water. He's like, oh, give me up. It was scary to the bruise. They died. Did it? Yeah. No, it's scary. You never know. It's in there. How deep do you think that is out there? It's pretty fucking deep. No, it's got me more than 10. Yeah, bro. Okay. All you do. You do have a good, you got a good depth find in your brain. Yeah. What was telling you? It was about 10 feet. It was nothing. Really? That's just my guess. Fishermen, just Fishermen's intuition. Yeah, it couldn't feel the bottom. So I just guess 10 feet. You're kind of close to the shore. Okay. That makes sense. I get scared when I can't touch the bottom. I think there's not touching the bottom spooky. Barton, there's parts in the bar. And I sort of got him must be like 20 feet down. There it goes. That place goes like it's close to there. Yeah. Yeah. Super far. So who knows, dude, on the middle of Lake Austin, not touching the bottom scary. Touching the bottom scary too. Yeah. He's stepping the fucking like mud and yeah, whatever the fuck that is. Yeah, I got I got I got caught in that like seagrass stuff. Did you ever play that Ninja Turtles game for Nintendo, the second level? We're doing the water and there's the fucking electric seagrasses all I can think of. I touched it. I was like, ah, it is spooky. I felt it. I was like, ah, she moves together something in there. It's a giant snake. Yeah. I was I was thinking about that when the grass hit me, all I could think about was water snakes. I was like, bro, I get a water mark. He said, they'll get you. You get by. You hit a nest, man. They'll kill. They'll fucking kill you. Barton Springs is 18 feet. The lake is 75 feet. Okay. Lake Austin. I was close. Damn. Yeah. Dang. That's deep as hell. Damn. I've been gone for a while and we still have no steam. I mean, you think we'd have a lot of stories. We got steam. Steams are we were just steaming. Yeah, steaming right along. We were steaming if we never left. No, we were steaming for like fucking 30 minutes. And I mean, again, apologies for the vibe. That really fucked us up. I like that kind of scared me. Yeah, man. That's real. I was feeling like the same thing. I hate when they act up and turn on each other. I know. It is like walking dogs. They just start fucking biting each other. Like, guys, what the fuck are you doing that for? To get mad at somebody else. Like that comics of pieces shit. You know what, you're a fucking piece of shit. Fuck you. Yeah. nasty little fuckers. You see the guy who is stuffing balloons in a shirt, being a slut. Chrissy known as husband. Yeah. I can't tell the I kind of want to give him the benefit of the doubt. Was he being funny? Or does he like have a message? No, I think there were so many pictures. How many pictures? I've only seen two. I do look like he's being funny. I don't know. I thought he's being stupid. I haven't looked into it. He wasn't he posting them on like a dude site. He told me he was posting them on a site. This guy's the real deal. Yeah. This guy. He's not just goofing. I mean, that's high. I think in a funny boot picture. Oh, the question you're raising, it wasn't goof or goon. I think it was goon. It all signs are pointing to goon. Also, I will say though, the way he positioned the blue knots for nipples, you've got to give him credit for that. That's a master at work. They're calling it bimbo vocation. Bimbo vocation is he was lately. Yeah. Lately, the internet's been like a wash and crazy like fetish stuff. I recently came across lifters. Just muscle guys. You got like real horny to lift up women. I was walking with them off again. This guy was not goofing. Yeah. I don't think he was goofing at all. That's a nice benefit of the douse out. You got it. If somebody's taking jogs pictures, you get this. No, because it's the pink spandex. That's exactly what did it? Yeah. I saw the full photo where he's wearing a yoga pants. Yeah. No. Those look like those bouncy fake tits and not just like balloon. They are. Yeah. It's I'm saying he was a, I mean, he get balloons to look like that. It was like, damn, that's kind of, you know how many times I try to make balloons look like big fetish? I'm goofing. I was a kid. If I got my hands on balloons. Yeah. But that's the thing. If you were, you know, you were not on the fucking, I think of that making you horny. I mean, you that's max. What is that that makes you horny? But massive jogs and yoga pants on and taking a very serious, almost mug shot. I mean, to be fair though, here's the thing in, you know, let's play Devils advocate here. Imagine if you like, you know, you're like, I don't feel like all the porn videos are kind of tapped. I've seen most of them already, you put the balloons in, you put your wife's yoga pants on and then you did duck face to yourself in the mirror. And all of a sudden, you're like, damn, is your baby? Now you're with, you're with a babe. You've never been closer to a babe. So look, I look, not my cup of tea personally, but it's one of those things you can't knock it to try it. That's all I'm saying. I'm only seeing that one photo though. Are we sure he's not goofing? I don't think he's got a nipples offset. That's goofing. He's probably fucking fapping himself silly. You know how hard it's to keep those things straight? True. The nipples are definitely getting knocked around from the fat. That is, I mean, you got it. Like you were saying, that's such a tough Jones to be like, fuck, this is so hot, I can't stop doing this. It's time to take pictures. I mean, that's the other thing too. It's like, why are they, I would imagine is the left reveling in this? Yeah. Why don't they just accept him as being like, yeah, that's his kink. He was fucking. I guess because they assume he's homophobic. Homophobic. So whenever that happens, you go, what if that's also his kink? I agree. You're like, you'll never know son of mine or do the whole thing. I'll do it. You're your son's the opposite of whatever you are. I want my son to be straight as hell. I'm gonna be fucking, I'm gonna be the gayest fucking guy you've ever seen in your life. Yeah. Busted bro. And it wasn't a, I don't know, it's all somewhere in the article, there were some sort of like intelligence involved. Some intelligence received that photo. So I didn't know if that was like a hack job or, you know, that was with like an escort or something. It's crazy. That's true intelligence is monitoring her shit and like his, yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, if you're in high level politics, I'm sorry, you just can't get escorts. You just got a solo bimbefy and just lay low. That was true. He could have been doing what was best for his family and their political career. Like instead of getting a hooker, it'll be like, I'll be my own hooker. I'm not gonna try to sell you this family's good name. Yeah. I'm gonna take a picture. But then he probably got so horny, he sent the picture to a hooker. I was like, fuck yeah, I'm sorry, I tried my best. Look, I get it, man, you come off the show, you're hot. He's probably at the political rally. He was hot. He goes to a quiet hotel room. We've all been there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not watching a movie with commercials. I'm going to put balloons in my shirt and fucking whack one off. He's just waiting outside the party city. It's 9.45. He's like, let me open. He's a little bigger. How were these stories like? Yeah, they're right. At least you see those balloon knots. Yeah, they're nice. They'll need a triple XL t-shirt. I don't know. I'm not mad at the guy personally. He got caught up. He got caught up. He was good and let him live, man. Let him live. I mean, it's, you know, what is this exact position anyway? He's a husband of a politician. Yeah. He's just a house husband. I guess. Let him fucking house. Let him go. He's on the house. He's not, he's bored all day. He's waiting for you to come home. Yeah. Yeah. It's trying to stuff out. He's taking pills. Yeah. You don't vacuum so much. Yeah. Now it's time to jack off. I wonder though if that's like a weird side effect of like TRT just like a horny house husband. Yeah. Yeah. What's the plan? Jacked off for like three years. Yeah. Just fucking crazy. I'd go to the lizard lounge once a week. I'm going to be something in comedy. Just watch. It's just playing FIFA completely spent three, three days or when you do it in the three of days, man, you feel it just completely zaps. Three days is crazy. Three days. That's you go to bed shameful. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Three of days. Well, definitely. I know you were hitting two days. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. I'm. I've been chilling. I really haven't tried not to beat off as much. Yeah. I mean, yeah, once every couple days now. Okay. Yeah, it's back to all. Yeah. You don't believe me? Sean only believes you. Why not? Tell it the truth. There's no. The curtains don't come down. No one's been here. It's even better. Nature's out here, the gather around. It's like an opposite of a zoo. Animals are watching you. That's how fucking dirty that room is. There was a lizard big sneaking there. I had to give it out. Oh, the lizard got in your trash room when it was good at nighttime. You started jerking a lizard. Yeah. How's that? I don't really feel anything. Dude, I do it on the way over here. I totally forgot about this. I was passing like a McDonald's. I was up north. And I saw a late, you know, classic outdoor lady whacked out on drugs, pants fully down. She was bent over just like fingers in her butt. I think it was an itch, but it was like, she was digging so hard that I saw her head tilt back. Then I was just like, yeah, I'm fucking. I got dry. I got to turn my head forward to the road. This is. And a guy walked like it was just like walking by her on the street. Didn't he? He just like tunnel vision. Yeah, you can't walk past. I was like, God. Yeah. What else can you do? I mean, turn around. Go the other way. Turn around. Go the other way. Or I'm not supposed to be outside today. Yeah. A knock that off. But then it's like you got off. You're getting a wrist. That butt hand. That butt hand. You're coming back. You risk in a butt hand slap or worst case scenario, a little mandible call. There you go. Yeah. What do you say to me? It was a meaty gal. It was a meaty gal too. It was a big meaty butt. I saw it from like three stoplights back and said, is that a fucking giant naked butt? And I pulled up and I was like, Oh, she's digging in. She's digging in. It was wild. Like full hand action bear butt because what I saw, it was full pull the cheeks apart red eye. And the hand just like went in. It went to work. And I was like, yeah. What the fuck? She said it was in front of Mickey D's right in front of Mickey D's. She was having it her way. She was. Oh. And I was on the phone with Spud and we were just chatting. I was like, dude, time out. I just watched the lady just absolutely like pale. Crawl. Crawl. Her ass. It was full. It was full fingers. All fingers. Butt scratch. The cheek spread was crazy too. I mean, bro, imagine. I imagine that we've all been walking down the street. I mean, like, I'd give anything to itch my butthole right now. Pants down. And you go, fuck it. I got nothing else. Five fingernails at once. Must have been blunched. Blunched. Yeah. Actually, it was Paul's for a second. I want to go to the bathroom. Really? Yeah, almost second. I'm going to go, I'm going to go treat myself. Tommy's, he and I came over to help me clean all my stuff out of my closet because I'll never do that. It's very nice of her. Yeah. And there's so many jerseys from all the shows. They always give you a jersey with your name on it, which I'll never wear. It's a thing about giving them all the bombs, because there's like 50 bombs wearing like authentic Buffalo Sabers jerseys with Gillis on the back of it. That's really nice. Right? Wouldn't that be sick? Yeah, that'd be awesome. Yeah. Just big, baggy fucking hockey jerseys on homeless guys. Yeah, and it's perfect time. 107 degrees. No, it's them. They love nothing more. They love layering. They love layering. They would literally love nothing more than a very heavy hockey jersey for a hundred and seven degrees. I think that's the move. I think it is, too. See some guy in a T-Wolves Gillis jersey, jacking off, you know, fucking right, man. Take it as a hat. I know homeless guy break into my car recently. What are you doing there? That's the question, bro. Nothing's gone. I was real worried he'd beat off in my car. Probably. That's over. That's probably what I'm thinking about. Rip it out. That's why I want the waterproof interior in my car. His bum broke into your car. It was just like the door that goes around. He pops a handles. So my, I guess I forgot to lock my car and he just fucking, I can't know he was in there because all the shit was spilled out of my glove box and the center console was popped out. I was like, I'm fucking animal. What the hell was that? It has a bum. A bum. Goddamn, bum was in my car. And I could smell him too. So where do I go? But the funny thing was I had just, I ran in the morning, so I kind of stunk and I had a moment where I was like, I might just be me. You might smell like a bum. But then I was like, no, that's bum, but then I was smelling me too and I was getting both smells. The bum is strong. It reminds me of, like, you know how when it rains, worms come out on the side of me. I always thought, worms smelled like that. And then I was just like, oh, it's the rain. That's what rain smells like. I'm an idiot. But that is the same thing though when you walk down six streets in the summer. Yeah. I bet that's just what the street smells like, but then you're like, I think that's what bum smells like. No, it's primal man. This was primal man. They're actually, I think, is a smell called like the homeless, the homeless smell bum. It's like a problem when you're trying to like reintroduce a homeless guy in a society. There's a thing called the homeless smell that you have to like somehow get rid of because you, you start to fucking reek. Being out in the sun all day, every day, you smell so bad. I smelled it. It wasn't my car. He stunk my car. He was in there for maybe five minutes. Pumped my car? Oh. Stunk. Yeah, but if he beats, it's over. If a homeless guy. He cracked one in the CRB. Yeah, because I was like, I'd have to call and get it detailed. But then I'd have to tell the deal. I'm not going to do that to a detail guy. We're like, yeah, it's cleaning it up, man. Come here. Some bumps seem in in there. It's a hot as a pos load. That is a very pos load. You got a pos load in the whip and then it gets dry and it turns, so like turns the dust. Turns into something else. You can inhale that. That's what I'm saying. Like it's best. The sun mixed with it. Ah, fuck. Yeah, I'm worried about. I still like, I like cautiously looked around for any kind of glisten. But I don't think, I think he just like chilled in my car. I don't know. I'm like, trying to think like, what did he take? My phone charger is still there. You think that's prime, bum? I just skateboard. You think you would take my scape. You literally took nothing out of my car. Skateboard would be sick. Yeah. You'd be a cool ass, bum. I have one of those things where you can emergency break the glass. You know, I got bugged out on the thought of like my car submerge. I got one of those. Do you have one? I had one. Yeah, I'm very excited about it. I ordered it off Amazon. Yeah. Do you say, do you know the protocol for if your car, if you get submerge in water, how do you get that? lower the windows a little to let some water in or some shit dead. No chance. I'm dead. Dude, you're dead. No chance. Lower the windows. You're that's crazy. Cracking windows a little. No, no, no, no, no, swap protocol, bro, seat belts immediately off. Well, of course, you take your seat belt off for your window, because you know, either motor brings the car down. So your nose is going to start sinking first. And they're designed to that. The back windows are going to float. And you think you can kick it out. Guess again, you have to have your tool. You got to punch it. And then you start getting the kids out. Then you get out. And then that's it. Then you have to like swim with your kids after getting the car accident in the water. I think you die, honestly. Yeah, you buy because that well, there was a thing, though, I get cura emails all the time and I just read them. I think read every year, cura is like a, I think it was like pre-facebook. It's now it's just boomers get spammed with like shit that kind of makes them kind of like clickbait. But cure, you can ask questions like ask cheese, but you have people be like, was Jesus, was Jesus really Jewish? Then like boomers just fight each other for nine million comments? Like that was the one. The guy was like, if you ever get into, if you fall into water, this is what you do. And apparently I looked it up and it was like, no, that's actually the worst possible thing you can do. So it's just there's a thing that goes around that just get people to click it. So I looked up the real protocol. I got so bugged out on it that I ordered like three of those glass measures. That's nice. Yeah, because they were like, you got to find a window, kick it out. And I looked it up or they said, no, they said, take the headrest off your seats and then hit the rear window because that'll still be floating. Who's telling me to crack the windows a little? Is anyone else heard this room? A little bit though? Why would you put the water? Is this going to start rushing? It's easier to break. If it's not, that's what I assumed is like, if it's not sealed, you could kind of crack it. You have 30 seconds, bro, if your car has like, they say like a minute, open the door or something? Who knows? You're going to get rushed. We're going to flood. You're going to sink that your whole family's going to hold my breath. I don't have a family. Also, you go. Hey, yeah, fresh start. We're all together, guys. One of the producers look up that crack the window thing, dude, I got to find out. Look up S W O C protocol, because I could be wrong. I could get wrong. No, I believe I believe the product, your protocol sounds exactly swock protocol. I'm just wondering why I have this urban myth. I don't know. That's I was dude, I was like really bugging out on this. Let's look up what how exactly you said the thing that that was kind of cool is that dope is racing to the internet. True. Swock. Swock. Can you look up crack in the window? Because I do want to make sure there's a lot of bad information on around. Hey, I says, if your car is sinking, you immediately try to open a roll down the windows before water fills the car. Because the windows want open. He's a dedicated window breaker tool. So let's get the windows. Okay, so maybe that is first line of defense. Roll them down. But that one doesn't water rush into your car then. Yeah, but then you can open your door. He's like, no, but you can't open your door because the water pressure is so heavy. It's like, but there won't be water pressure for your windows down to crack the window. Yeah. Interesting. I don't know. I'm just not going to do it. Don't die. Let's go down. I'm just not going to die. I'll just told you. But yeah, so well, we'll say we should test it. I think myth busters did an episode on this, by the way. So if you're interested, check that out. Check out mb. I'm going to go to mb. Patreon's going to rip. Patrons doing a fucking slash. It's going to go nuts. It's going to slash. We're going to conquer the wasp nest. We should do that in between. Yeah, let's go conquer that and come back. All right. Goodbye, everybody. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane secret podcast on Spotify. Do it.