Ep 600 - Hedonic Treadmill (feat. Joe List & Steve Rannazzisi)

Wild, wild, wild west. Now with the Spurs, Austin's team, I saw a billboard. Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to start. I thought we were. No, that's fine. Two, uh. Your last two games were in Austin. Oh, okay. Austin's, I think, trying to take the Spurs from San Antonio, which is. That'd be pretty sad. What, is it a lease up on a stadium or something? Or is it. No, I think it's just, uh. I don't know. I think they're gonna try to merge Austin and San Antonio like Dallas-Fort Worth. How far away? I'm not too familiar. An hour, hour and ten minutes away. It's not far. I mean, they didn't. Yeah, Anaheim and L.A. have split. Yeah. They're not. They're different. It's gotta. Yeah. Same with Seattle and Tacoma. Yeah. So. San Antonio, they have cities. We can name 20 cities. We were just ripping before this. Minneapolis, St. Paul. He gives the thumbs up and we're like, yeah, there's a lot of cities that are close to each other. Oh, now we're recording for real? I do not know. We were fired up. Cut and start again, dude. Even Baltimore and D.C. are pretty close. Minneapolis, St. Paul. Baltimore, Timonium. Yeah. Baltimore, Timonium. Now, before we start it, you mentioned the guy with Tourette's at the BAFTA. Why would you go to the BAFTAs with Tourette's? He was nominated. He was nominated? I think he was a nominee or a former nominee or something like that. So, it wasn't the guy presenting. It was a guy in the crowd? In the crowd. Just yelling. No, if the guy. Yes, the two people presenting were. I mean, if I had Tourette's, I would double up on my meds at the BAFTAs. Yeah, you have to hit it hard. That's what they do. They just spaz and yell the worst thing. Yeah. But is it always the N-word with the Tourette's? No. I feel like it's whatever you're hearing or like whatever is commonly spoken around you. Like a parrot? Yeah, exactly. There's a guy behind him that's N-word. It's usually like a fucking shit bitch and then like, you know. Yep. That was great, dude. That was great. I experienced it once at like a hotel lobby breakfast. Or not lobby. I don't know why I said lobby. But a hotel breakfast there and there was a lady and they warned us that she was doing that. But it wasn't the N-word. Yeah. No, I've never had anyone on a show that has Tourette's, I don't think, that's ever yelled anything out or nothing like that. No. So I don't, yeah. That's probably late stage Tourette's. It'd probably start with like damn and then it goes to like shit. And then all the way to. Pussy and then like stage, when you're like stage four. Yeah. He's on his way out. It's aggressive. It's aggressive Tourette's. I do have that thing. I think this is like an OCD thing. Like when I'm at a funeral or something where you just want to be like, she's on her face, you know. You want to yell something. Yes. I don't say it. It's different. Yeah, yeah. But that's the barrier, dude. Imagine. Or if I'm in a room full of black people, which I try to keep to a minimum, but like it does come into your mind. For medical reasons. What if somehow I just yelled out the N-word? Like it's in there. I've heard of people having that same concern where it's like an, like if you stand too close to the edge of a cliff, you're like, I could just jump off right now. Yeah. I think that's OCD. Yeah. I also have it with people. I have like a, not a urge, but the thought of like blasting someone in the face as they're walking by. Oh, really? Just physical violence towards strangers? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a second, it's a second of thought. That could be living in New York too long. I think that's just a byproduct of that. I do the same thing with my, like I'm driving the left lane, driving families in the back, and I just, like do you ever have a moment where you're just like, I could just rip it into the thing and flip everyone and do the whole thing. Yeah. Kill everybody. But how does it feel like an urge is a question. That's one thing. Not, yeah. But you're like, ooh. Yeah, yeah, it is. You get a little like me. Depending on how the vacation went or whatever. You know? You killed the whole team. Too real. It's just like, I'm done with this, dude. Don't press me. If you understand, I have everything right here. It's all right there. If you're fighting your wife and the kids in the car just driving real fast, I mean like, fuck it. Yeah. I'm gonna drive nine. And you can reach her seatbelt, just unclick it, and then just like jerk the wheel. Dang. Well, dude, thank you guys for coming. Dude, thanks for having me. No seeds. This is amazing. I mean, this is just insane. No, standing up is good. I'm telling you. I'm just starting to spread out. I'm telling you. It's just, it's all in your head. I think people think they're getting spoofed, but it's the future of podcasting. No. I don't. Yeah. That was what he was talking about. How are we not in the future right now? It does look Tron-like. It looks like we're doing. Yeah. Yeah, we're gonna take turns like running as fast as we can. That's it. Did you guys, is Prince Andrew, he's out of jail, right? He got out. Really? They picked him up for like five hours. Yeah. I was excited. Well, I don't even think they picked him up for what everyone thought they should pick him up for. Yeah. They got him for like political misconduct. Secrets or something like that. I don't know. I thought he was going to jail. That would have been crazy. Yeah, I mean. Dude, he would be in the first, he would have been the first prince arrested in like 400 years. And if he went to actual jail, that means people would be able to. Fuck him. Fuck a prince. That's crazy, dude. Do you think he would be in with Jen? Do they have like Jen Pop over there? I think they would get to him. I think they would get into him. He'd probably be in protective custody, but they would get into him. Oh, well, yeah, they'd let them probably. It would be like a fun day. That's a fairy tale. Guys, if you guys are good, we're going to let the prince around tomorrow so you guys can fuck him. The prince and the prisoner by, I couldn't think of a name of a fake author. That's perfect. Thank you. If I could have said F.G. Tenenbaum, it would have been cool. I blew it. I feel like princes should get like their hands chopped off instead of going to jail. Yeah. It's something unfitting about a prince in like common jail. Yeah. Cut their dicks off. Dicks would be nice. Dicks off. Eunuch, make him a eunuch. So I didn't follow too closely. He fucked kids, right? He's like one of the. Top suspect. I think he's like. He's like top suspect. There's pictures, email. There's like not a thing that they found that didn't have his fingerprints all over it. And the royal family stripped him of his titles, which leads me to believe that they can probably see the unredacted stuff. Wow. So yeah, they did it before that. They stripped him of all of his like princely duke status or whatever. Is there still a way he could become king? Like lineage-wise. You know what I'm saying? If his brother dies, then is he the king or is the younger, is the oldest son the king? How does that work? That's a great question. Because like now you got to start looking for, he's going to kill his brother. He's like, I'm going to go to jail for pedophilia or I kill my brother and I'm the king and this whole fucking thing goes away. That's not a bad idea, actually. That's his only play right now. That's his movie. That's a movie for him. That's his move, though. He has to kill his brother. Unless he knows it goes, otherwise he's got to kill his brother and then his nephew. And then fire cannon at the citizens. That'd be the last thing when they storm the castle. He'd have to fire upon them. Calm them down. Why not? And draw little dicks on him. Do you fuck boys or girls? Girls, I think. Oh, okay. That's not so bad. At least he's not fucking queer. He's not a queer king. Jeez. We don't need no queer king. What's the big whoop? I guess, yeah. I think those guys, too, when you're that wealthy, prostitutes are just porn for you. Right. You don't watch Pornhub, probably. You probably just get hookers and then you get sick of those kind of hookers. They do porn genres in real life. Yeah, although, I think OnlyFans probably would have been his favorite thing if he had not because you can get very specific on that. Yeah. And so, therefore, he'd be like, all right, I can kind of scratch this itch really well with what I'm finding here. Maybe I don't need to go out into the real world and fucking do horrible things to, you know, real people. But I think it's the hedonic treadmill, if I may. It's just you and you. Whoa, what's it at? I don't even know what that means, honestly. Well, the podium's working, bro. Joe, enlighten us. Well, you know, you get used to stuff. Yeah, okay. You buy a big house and you're like, I finally got this big. You have a huge house, a beautiful house. Probably every once in a while you're like, but I could use a fucking screening room. Yeah, I need a golf simulator room. You've got to keep getting all the stuff. And so that's the same with sex, I think. Yeah, you get a butler and you go, this butler's nice, but I wish I kind of could have this guy forever. I need a whole staff. Yeah, I wish I had a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a whole fucking. Butlers are nice, but what about a, you know, a guy I could have? There's no satisfaction. I mean, even in my marriage, every time we have sex, now I'm like, pretend I'm my Uncle Doug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cranking it up a little bit. Yeah, taking it up a little bit. That's probably due to like EEG habituation, actually. Your brain waves. Well. I'm learning so. Dude, this is great for me. I'm like learning about treadmills and EEGs. Well, your brain waves just. Like, they get used to like. If you see like. Say the first time you see a naked lady, you're like. Like, it's like your brain waves go crazy. Yeah, over time, they just kind of come down to like whatever. Yeah. So you got to constantly. Not me. I still see a naked lady. I'm like fired up, dude. True. Right there. Oh, hey now. Look at that. I love it. I love it, dude. True, but like as fired up as like a 14-year-old boy? No. I got two sons that are like. If they saw a naked lady, it's like. It's over. I got to go to my room. I got to take a shower. Well, it's crazy. When you're like 14, you can just get a hard on sitting, thinking. Yeah. You don't even look at anything. I can just be like. But it's crazy to me, this generation. My son's 17 and 13. They wear. They don't ever wear jeans anymore. They always wear sweatpants. Right, right. So, I mean like boners and sweatpants are the most embarrassing things for me growing up. Like getting. You'd have to tuck it under the band. Yes. Like jeans, you wear a little more thickness. You can hide it. But like now, it's like. No, yeah. I went to Catholic school. We had like one day out of the week, we had to wear our gym uniforms. Yes. Me too. It was just. You would get hard in class and it was just. Yeah, you're like, fuck, dude. This is just. These sweatpants are not doing it. Yeah. I would get hard like clockwork before recess. Recess was like 10.23 at like 10.80. 10.18, I would get a rager every time. We started recording it right around 10.23. I don't know. I turned 40, so I don't like. My boner. I got to like really budget my boners now. Oh, really? Yeah. I can't be wasting them. I'm like jerking off anymore. I got to save them up. I feel similarly. Similar, yeah. I'm still a little bit of an animal. I don't know why. Dude, it just came for me, man. I was. Maybe it'll happen. So confident. I could get bricked up, no problem. Now, like I don't get bricked up, but I can't be out here fapping. You know, I got to save it all up every weekend. Dude, I save up too. Because my wife and I, we have sex pretty frequently. So when I go on the road now, I don't jerk off. So I can really. I've done that a couple weekends too. It feels good when you come home. Dude. You're like, wow. It feels amazing. something about leaving a hotel room and not having this like disgusting crystallized towel for the staff to deal with i know when you leave a room clean you're like dude i'm you know unfortunately this is not one of those weekends for me this is uh you're not even in a hotel yeah i'm in a condo dude i'm in a condo but someone else andrew dice clay is gonna stay in next weekend you know dude who knows but yeah i i i try you feel good when you come home and you don't yeah when you like you feel like like a real like i provided i went out i made money i kept clean i kept all everything inside of me and i'm getting to give it all to you right now that's what it's all about and supposedly that's beautiful retention is healthy that's what i've heard it's one of these oh healthy i see yeah i always hear it is but then you always hear you have to come like 30 times a month for prostate i know purposes that's the fucking that's the problem jesus yeah yeah they say you gotta do it like a say they say like if you don't do it enough well if you don't if you don't retain they say you're just like drain all of your like you know minerals out of your body because apparently semen's like very nutrient dense and you have to keep that in that's what they say but then they're like yeah yeah yeah yeah or yeah just recycle it but they uh they said that if you then if you don't come enough you get prostate cancer they're saying so yeah i don't know man i i haven't i don't know what to do yeah i haven't got any of that stuff checked yet i'm and i should i'm going to supposed to get a colonoscopy on thursday really yes my first one but i'm how old are you 49 i'll be 49 wow i thought you're supposed to get them earlier yeah i know you've been holding it off yeah and now everybody's dying eric dane died and the other guy james vanderbeek died so i'm like this has got to get done yeah and that's an easy one to treat apparently it's just yeah you gotta go for a little out for old jvb this episode is brought to you by grubhub let's just riff for a second about the joy of ordering takeout and the heartbreak of realizing at checkout how expensive delivery service fees have gotten and honestly i you know this is a personal issue for me i'm pretty passionate about this the average fee on an order over 50 across delivery apps is about 13 you order 50 worth of grub it's you and your boys you know i'll spring i'll spring a grant on the food i'll spring 50 bucks no big deal you order you go huh 63 well guys guess what grubhub is changing the game by eating the delivery and service fees on restaurant orders over 50 and no this isn't a short-term promotion it's something they plan to offer for the long haul no gimmicks just more of the food that diners love without fees that turn bigger orders into bigger costs by removing delivery and service fees on those orders grubhub is putting money back where it belongs which is under your sweaty butt cheeks in your wallet helping diners like you save millions annually without changing a single step at takeout get no delivery or service fees on restaurant orders over 50 when you order on grubhub visit grubhub for more details no i should go my grandmother had it and i eat nothing but like french fries and burgers and shit i used to get colonics that's used to they stick a tube up your ass it's like the same thing as a and they shoot water up there and it cleans out like you see the other stuff come out like french fries how does that work though is that like the same way when you clean a fish tank that you create like a vacuum yep exactly so what they do is like you literally it's like two tubes going in and then one pushes the water and it just like it's like uh and the other one shoots it out no this is healthy it was happening all the time in the like the early 2000s everybody was getting colonics to lose weight right yeah yeah apparently apparently there's a bunch of just like shit inside yeah there was like full i used to like full like half-eaten french fries which would come down though i swear to god like stuff that you could see what it was the food that you ate it was disgusting it only turned into like probiotics yes and then you got to eat probiotics you take pills because there's good pro you know yeah bacteria and bad but like do you feel is it like i i know people did i always assumed it was kink no no no i don't think so like people would tell me i was gonna die if i didn't get it yeah i know i remember like you eat terribly you should definitely get the like i was i was like hanging out with a lot of actors then so they were like all getting colonics right no comedian friends of mine got colonics but now it's like uh fasting is like the new colonic oh like uh yeah 48 hours 48 hours crap yeah have you ever done anything like that i've never done anything like that i've done 24 hours for fun like as a gag like 20 like 10 years ago but now luis gomez is a guy that's like sorry he's like easy he's like eating every other day and stuff which to me is like an eating disorder people are like i eat three times a week i'm like yeah you have an eating disorder yes i mean you know you feel good though i i did a four-day fast one time four days four day for what purposes just it was like me and my brothers and cousins had a group text so we just all see my brother didn't drink water for i think 72 hours he said his vision just got blurry wait you're but you're supposed to drink water right during a fast there's a whole other thing called dry fasting where they're saying if you like if you don't put any water in your system you can do it for like two days and your body just like i don't know flushes shit out i don't know how it works really i thought you just become like dehydrated and i did one day it was no problem i did four days i would say two is a sweet spot for by the fourth day you just feel like decrepit but i was like working out and stuff fasted and like you really don't need as much food as i think people say i could drink lemonade for three days in a row just lemonade yeah that would count i've done that i think i've done that before with no water in between just straight lemonade for that would count did you see the seinfeld epstein email no way it was like uh i believe i don't know if you can look it up it was like jerry jerry and jessica coming over they want lemonade and i believe lemonade was in quotes i could be wrong but it definitely said they needed lemonade really yeah i didn't know he was in it too yeah well he wants to get pissed on i think lemonade oh my god i don't know that's what it is i don't know i don't i'm not even one of these guys but no that's but i mean named is wouldn't that that would be amazing if jerry so why would you air quote the secret term though because he doesn't i mean it's jerry seinfeld who wants but i don't think he was sending it did you find it yes it says jerry and jessica seinfeld are going to be sailing tonight organized for them to come to the island for lemonade it is lemonade quotes all right i made it okay maybe jerry just doesn't drink and he's like all right he'll have lemonade yeah that's fair that's totally fair yeah i want some lemonade hang out with pedophile you know thirsty it's hot i know this guy must have had the greatest shit though like boats and like planes that's what you have to go with now if you were at that that's your only connection be like it kids you got to steer away from anything that's cool about kids you just got to be like he had a great plane he had the best boats well the question is is like when was the email sent because there's the pre-conviction and then oh yeah yeah yeah there are people like the guy on oh that's after that's 2009 was the conviction i think or eight or even earlier yeah eight 2008 yeah yeah and there's plenty of guys that are going back and forth after that yeah plenty because i think the pre-conviction was sealed they they did like a sealed thing so like everyone named in the case it was like buried and he just got like you know uh soliciting an underage problem did he do time did he go to jail i thought i saw a mug shot i think he just did house arrest that's why he was stuck in new york city wow and that's when people started like would still come and bill gates went and got you know fundraised from jeffrey epstein that was the weird one when it was like i was just looking for money so dude you're a billionaire why would you need to talk to a pedophile about money like why why now but who knows yeah that's the other thing too though the other the flip side of this is people just being like yeah that guy's clearly a pedophile now he's in the email pedophile yeah it must be there's something kind of fucked up about that honestly yeah no it's not good i mean i'm friends with a lot of people that do a lot of things i'm not really those things yeah you can be friends i'm not gonna name names yeah we all have friends that have done horrible things yeah yeah but i don't know man would you would you if someone was a convicted pedophile would you still well i mean i don't want to i mean oh boy just mark the time stamp now just in case yeah we're not live right text later but like reap is in trouble john reaps in big trouble dude really oh yes dude he's going like he's on house arrest now i think but like he was a good friend and like we hung out and you never knew but like yeah but that's fair that's before and so but yes yes the question is now no i did not facebook message him after the not going to visit for lemonade no no dude i want to go bro let me come over for a glass of that cold cold lemonade you know you make it this episode is brought to you by viore guys we've been wearing viore lately it's a game changer the core shorts work for pretty much anything gym errands hanging around the house whatever man and the strato tech tea insanely soft you're gonna want to wear it 24 7 everything is comfortable it looks good at the same time it just works it just works get 20 off your first purchase at viore.com mssp and discover the versatility of viore clothing exclusions apply visit the website for full terms and conditions best no because i've been paranoid about because i don't think i've sent any horny emails to anybody but now i'm like bro if i sent one to a pedophile well yeah fuck yeah i'm done kiss it goodbye and you know they're gonna flip on you kiss all this decadence goodbye yeah they'll flip on you too dude you know if they get in trouble they'll be like yeah the pedo is gonna be like well i talked to mccusker a lot dude that fucking shit he did where he'd send himself he would send him himself emails yes you're covering their own really incriminating shit about other people epstein did yeah yeah oh smart about it i mean but it's also like why is it no dude maybe we should change the topic i think it's cool dude i think it's fine i think those are just allegations not necessarily true that's a wrap we gotta be careful about who we uh it's crazy who we blaspheme on this podcast i know man that was yeah it's it's got it's got everyone you know it's a craze right now it's like mccarthyism but just pedophiles yeah everyone's trying to figure out who's a pedophile right now well that was metzger came in last night oh gave you the day i asked him a question of the night one question i said is was nick fuentes the head of the proud boys and he was like no then he broke it all i was like i sent him down some sort of spiral that he was like what are you an idiot like i and then explain everything i don't understand a thing he's talking about a good 45 minute talk yes and not and and like brazilian jiu-jitsu you verbally like you're like you're like i gotta try to yeah or the worst squeeze out you know about like the medieval papal conspiracies right and i'm like no no yeah right away he's like well here's 30 seconds on that before i get into the next thing you don't understand you're like what are you talking about but i love him but it's like is the worst when i feel like i disappoint him he's like you fucking you don't know about that but now i feel like now man dude he's right he's been talking about yeah he's been trying to get someone to listen to this and now he's you know a lot of the shit's right yeah i don't know about the eating children no that's why i draw a lot yes that's yeah i'm not sure he tried to get me into that and i was like i can't do the eating like yeah what's the proof what's the proof that they did yeah really do children do you think they would taste good well if you look at it veal tastes good every baby animal is the best tasting version of that animal yeah i wish you didn't make the best point i know that was the worst i was like i'm trying to go down the road of like if you're gonna eat eat another big person like another the cannibalism this salt disturbed me very badly the other night i was laying awake and i was thinking about lamb i like eating lamb i do love lamb i'm like why is it so it's a baby but it's so parmesan yeah babies are the most delicious animals you can eat yeah just caviar isn't that fish eggs it's an egg yeah the baby the tiniest of all the babies the most expensive yeah dude and they're the best i happen to have a two-year-old at my rental house right now fire up the grill let's see how this thing tastes you could eat the meat of like a warrior's thigh for like religious purposes yeah that you know you know that feels like after you rip his heart down and throw it down the steps you could eat a small sliver of his thigh but but you know what though the eating of the babies makes so much more sense now because like progressives are like supposed to be like poshy people and it seems i could just see them all slicing up a little piece and just tasting it and being like delicious you know locking into my fitness pal yeah like that's how they probably got caught they're probably trying to upload the mac yeah like how many calories are in a baby's thumb you know like what are you whatever you're eating you think they suck the baby's thumb for a little bit oh god man i mean it's terrible but i never until you said the thing about how great little things taste that's yeah well there's also the whole adrenochrome thing and like stem cell babies have a lot of stem cells there could be like health i can't get on board with it i cannot believe i'm not i'm not like it seems like you're trying to convince me no well that makes more sense if you're killing a baby for the stem cells to refurbish yourself or whatever yeah keep yourself and you're like we might as well eat it yeah why motivation is the stem cell and then eating it is sort of like its own well the good i saw a video and they said they like they would impregnate ladies and have them like get abortion and they would eat the fetuses for all the stem cells so they can stay young wow wow picture of a baby like unredacted i mean the senders and recipients are redacted but there's like why are those people redacted yeah that's insane those are the people the victims but for some reason it's the baby the people that ate the baby a lot of laws and doing that apparently according to nick bryan yeah i can see that well the million dollar question is if they get busted doing like hard you know satanic you know symbology or something like that i don't know i don't know i don't know i don't know i'm just i'm with you guys i don't know if they're eating babies i don't want people i don't know i think like to assume like yeah i knew they're eating babies it's the problem is is that like they were right about some of the stuff that we were like no way dude yeah it's like we got it they're trying to get us over that baby eating bridge and i don't know i mean i'm not i mean they practice cannibalism still in different parts of the world so if you're like a global citizen like these guys were that's why the age consent's not a real thing to them it's not shocking to them yeah because they're going dude i can just fly to thailand and do this so like if i have my own island and i'm going back and forth to thailand i might as well just yeah be a pederast on my island i gotta figure out how to make more money i know i gotta get my punch up live to get that thing chopped more crowd work you gotta crowd work it up dude get some vids out there dying on a baby i think that's dying though i think the crowd works down i think so it feels like it really i think so yeah what's the new what's the new uh wave though that's the question props props props prop comedy prop comedy clips would be nice i've been doing uh the sora you know that the 3d i mean the ai like you just you could make yourself do anything i've been using that as promo that's like people and people hate it because they're like using ai ai or whatever but they're easy they're fun they're stupid and they're you can literally put yourself in any situation in the world yeah it's it's sick you need a baby you could i mean maybe not no sometimes uh one time i was like i was gonna do a joke about my son wants abs or whatever and i was like maybe i'll animate see if the joke works and that and they were like no no no no nothing no kids shirtless nothing like that so there are parameters but yeah yeah i've been i've done that every video i make i do i go make me a ripped 50 year old man and it's it's seamless dude i get fooled i look amazing all the time i do what did you do one recently where you're skiing yeah jack yeah i got i was like damn ren is easy as jack dude i'm telling you every time i see those things i'm like i know i get like family members being like what are you on trt like what are you doing people think it's real it's so it's amazing i've seen the one where you can make two people kiss that's yeah that's skagfest and i thought that was real yeah it was like aaron berg uh yup live for two you can make them kiss yeah and they're just making out and i was like what are you guys doing yeah they're like ah we're at skank fest that's crazy and then you realize the real you comes out i'm like i'm not into this yeah yeah that's not me uh yeah dude me and uh me and lamer were in uh what was it salt lake city in boise idaho this weekend and we're you know i think we're in boise we're walking and we pass this bank called zion bank we're just joking with i wonder who owns you know that establishment just having a good laugh innocent laugh with each other and as we turned the corner they were surrounded by palestinian protesters and i was like damn that must have sucked if you were a jewish banker because it was literally friday like 6 p.m week's finally over tgif and you come out to your mortal enemies yeah right there that would that would that would i know i was just thinking about that like damn that would stink man on a friday yeah you're just a jewish man here yeah like damn it yeah they're just holding up big billboards and what were they there for just because they hate protesting protesting yeah just the country or is it real i didn't ask i was like this is none of my business what are you guys into what's your what's your real deal to do break it down for me i had a show to do man i was you know it's none of my business but i walked past i was like damn this just does not seem it doesn't seem like a pleasant thing to walk out to no that would be a bummer yeah it also it's just yeah a banker i walked around when the whole uh thing was going on originally with october 7th with ari we were on a tour we went to some colleges and they were protesting there oh and he would just walk around and with people just like he was very he didn't take it obviously seriously but like i felt bad i was like dude we shouldn't be here right now like you like like they're like they're swastikas around like they're like they were getting hardcore damn yeah and he was you know he you know ari but like i was i was like oof this is this feels horrific they were swastikas on the call i mean they were like yeah i mean they went all the way dude yeah were they the college kids or are they just like college kids and then like you know sort of like whatever the people that come to protest with them or whatever yeah but yeah it was like dang i know they're robbing i know that it was that bad oh it was horrible dude i went uh one time remember um michael sam the football player missouri yeah the first openly gay guy i was in what is where's mizzou columbia or columbus i always forget oh the college columbia columbia missouri so i was doing the club in columbia and this was like right as his time and the uh west borough baptist church people which i had never heard of the west borough baptist that's the i'm saying that right yeah i thought these were just like community people but they were all protesting and it was like go home homo and all this stuff yeah and you know i was a good progressive guy i was like i was a tommy john again i was like drive by there i'm gonna give him what's for and so i was like leaning out the window and i was like you you big and i just yelled hello you hello cocksuckers because i couldn't think that was like the most yeah but i realized as we bought like they probably come on there it's I was trying to hurt them I don't know if I can say that on this that's like my level 10 angry if I get very angry it just flies out of me I'm like arguing with strangers usually from my car that's unfortunately much better than the n-word I would like to think so I would like to think so you can rattle one of those out if you get me angry enough I remember sitting back in the car and being like oh that wasn't great that's my finest moment right there but also I think are they still around those guys when we lived in Philly we would see them all the time near where we were living and we would go down and watch them do their thing those dudes just rip they'll start roasting you if you're standing they get like the sense that you're kind of like laughing at them they'll just zero in on you and be like fuck you nice hat you piece of shit they'll like come at you really they get like specific we and Shane were standing there years ago and he was like Notre Dame fucking sucks and we just kept talking it was literally ironically they're similar to black people yeah they like to roast they like to rip on people look at these pants come on why don't you just roast each other yeah that's not bad you should have them on we got the podium you got the podium right here it would be nice I like to have them on we could have West Barrel or West Barrel whatever it's called and Black Israelite they'd be good guys I feel like I'm shaking this thing it's okay yeah I feel like they'd be a nice match because they are essentially the same beings like same thing yeah I mean they're passionate they're both passionate yeah I would say that yeah they're also like it's like religious edgelord it's like they're like that's like to the max yeah just being like yeah I don't accept homosexuality and you just scream people do they fly like do they fly like together to the like yeah that's what I'm wondering like do they like have like do they all go like if something happens in Cleveland do they all fly to Cleveland to protest no I think there's like local there's local chapters yeah I've never seen a West Barrel chap anywhere I've been but I mean I've never seen Black Israelite on a plane I think they're foot travel primarily yeah I think those guys foot or foot or train they could take a train I've never seen them on a train yeah that's true yeah I think I don't know that's just the air thing oh okay yeah we're fine we're in an air raid we're fine let's change the topic again yeah enough with that they can travel however they like yeah no I never yeah those scream scream political guys are nice I like them there's something about them that is kind of fun and it's just so ridiculous but it feels like like what's that word theater like what's that thing called that people like they do shit out in the street performance art performance art it feels like performance art or are they actually just psycho like how that's what I was saying how into it like if it's if it's not something that really hits them like I guess all these issues hit them hard of like these gays are getting married or whatever but like do they give it their all every time they go or is it just sort of they you know you phone it in after a while like this is what we do this guy seemed like he was kind of phoning it in a little bit like he was doing the thing but it didn't it didn't seem like he was you see the guys before in Vegas they're like you're going to hell he seemed like he was just kind of like dialing it in yeah just torturing people you're probably going to hell but if you don't that's fine it's cool yeah this guy's an idiot yeah no he was he was definitely he was ripping but yeah dude I um we were in Salt Lake this weekend I didn't know there was a theater that's no alcohol oh yeah completely dry theater it was fun but I was like I've never seen that before could you drink I don't really drink but I just stand up so yeah but it was like an option if you wanted to or whatever no you couldn't no not saying the audience but like backstage I could if I wanted to but the whole audience no bar service nothing weird yeah and you didn't know that before the day I got there how do they make money the door the door but I mean you got to get some of that but I mean like where's their concessions they hurt me yeah they hurt me bad but no it was you know I don't know that's what I was trying to figure out I'm like what the fuck popcorn you know I think they did have so much popcorn yeah keep it going yeah the mill run that's crazy no alcohol I don't know I almost I've been thinking too like I think they I think we should do something now where it's like you know we have rehab but we should have like a almost like an all-inclusive thing for alcoholics to relapse within you know what I'm saying like if you're like I'm getting the itch and I can't stop it it's like alright you got to go to it's like the opposite of rehab where you just fucking rage for like a month hey that's not bad it's not a bad idea but they're not out they're like contained you're contained yeah yeah that's pretty good everyone they got you got people that can like pull you put you to sleep but you get to just move for like get it out of your system that's actually pretty interesting because there's no no phone you can't text the ex you can't go cheat no it's like it's totally clinical but you would still put like Margaritaville okay but yeah yeah yeah you're gonna feel the old feelings you're gonna get that old thrive that joy back but wait your family can come visit you what is that you can fucking smack them what's that last week when you gotta weed them back off and get them back into like send them back home into rehab that's gonna be that's the tough part you could stage like a like a you know like a vehicular mass like you're outside of fucking Cabo Wabo and all of a sudden three hookers just slit your throat and you're like wait a minute wait a minute hold on hold on I take it back I'm good I'm gonna dial it down start to bring it down no more lines this could be something this could be your ticket to billionaire I mean yeah that would be pretty cool and this is you're like an expert so yeah I mean I'm like something of that I could be a what do you call it a a test case a consultant uh that was all I was going to I'm like did I just say a crazy word that I didn't know everyone stopped I was like I was like wait everyone was like oh shit I was waiting for the word you were gonna say I was like seriously did I do anything well you can keep them right next to rehab so it's just like hey man A or B yeah A or B just have it out and you get tired come over here and then eventually I think people might be like I'm just gonna stay over here but I think that only works for people who have been sober for a while and then just want to are feeling it again I don't think to get sober you just send them back to like this is the last like this is gonna be your last yeah the last ride yeah I guess the beginning guys you couldn't give them like an all inclusive no cause they're gonna be like this is the we're never leaving we're taking it over true you know we'll you'd have to limit people their insurance would run out and you'd be like alright you're done it's true yeah insurance has run out sorry dude your HMO sucks you gotta go you gotta go drink wine in the street I just like anytime someone's thinking outside the box coming up with new things so I appreciate the idea I think it'd be cool yeah I don't know that's a good idea I think there should be gyms at the airport you got delays I think RFK's trying to do that oh really yeah he's trying to make the airports healthier he's trying to like change the shitty food yeah but we lost already when they put massage places in before they put gyms like if you're gonna choose between just laying down and getting a nice massage or taking a nap or going to the gym I think most people are gonna go take that nap I don't see people hit massages at all on the air I've seen the tables I've seen maybe like two people actually get really yeah I see people in there all the time in those little chairs yeah I mean in the afternoon and stuff not early mornings but like in the afternoon sometimes it's a long travel day and you're like I'd like to get some pushups in but you look like a fucking psychopath even if there was just a real San Francisco airport has a yoga room which is something yeah that's just a little bizarre to be doing yoga yeah but let me knock on a few pushups yeah if you're gonna do that I could walk the airport get the legs going get a little blood flow yeah if you're gonna start you're gonna look like a psycho if you start doing pull ups and pushups or something like that but I've seen people stretch do full body like you know yoga poses and stuff in the middle of like the areas and stuff people are getting into it I can't do it I can maybe I can hit like a hamstring like touch my toes stretch I can't do like the downward I couldn't do like downward dog or like no but I could loosen up my hips I would like that yeah well my thing this is one of the things I'm most jealous of people the people that just aren't completely embarrassed to do things publicly yeah like I see people like doing yoga just in a public space yeah like in a park and I'm like I feel like such a fucking everyone's looking at you right now how could you not know that and be fucking self-conscious about that yeah but it's a freedom they have yeah I don't have it yeah I think it's I think it's growing up in New England and then being a comedian well it's also having a family you've had a family like what are you doing what the fuck why are you trying to be different and comfortable no I have to pretend I don't like movies that I like in front of my family I'm like that's a fucking foreign film yeah I'm like this I loved it my wife's family doesn't like they're part Jewish they don't like Matt Damon from that what was that movie where he with Brendan Fraser oh School Ties School Ties why because he was so real in that as an anti-Semite that they were like this guy's got it in him this guy has like real hatred for Jews in him like they have like that total disconnect from reality that they believe that Matt Damon is an anti-Semite wow yeah for real so we all have to pretend that like Matt Damon's not cool they must really hate Ralph Fiennes I don't think I want an Oscar yeah it's true he didn't win an Oscar he lost the Oscar to Tommy Lee Jones I can feel people at home oh he didn't he's a piece of shit no that's comment farming that's good for engagement oh good there you go shit did he no that's that's crazy I didn't know he had a movie where he was an anti-Semite yeah School Ties yeah that was an early one yep possibly pre-Good Will Hunting I think it was yeah I don't think you do Good Will Hunting and get nominated for Academy Award and then go I'll go play an anti-Semite that's a good point yeah true that's wild I wonder who produced that movie School Ties I don't remember. It'd be crazy if you just pulled out the producer of Skulltide. Yeah, yawn. It's good. Yeah, that's. Because you never really see people. He didn't win any awards for that role. No, it was like a small role. Okay. He was like Jew-hater number five, whatever it was. Like, that's like. Really? Yeah, he didn't even have a name, I don't think. He's also in Carriage Under Fire. He's real skinny in that one. Oh, okay. Yeah, also early. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Dude, real quick, got to tell you guys about this. Oh, I like this. I like that, too. So AG1, the healthy stuff I've been drinking recently, still just one scoop once a day, vitamins, minerals, probiotics, all this stuff my actual diet doesn't provide. Mix is great. Doesn't taste like a fist fight. Package travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out, which, dude, come on. They also recently came out with AG1 Pro, the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink. So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack, this one might be worth checking out. So hurry up and go to drinkag1.com slash secret pod and for a limited time only get a free immune support bundle including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin D3 plus K2 with your first subscription to AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro. That's drinkag1.com slash secret pod. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile. Mint took what's wrong with wireless and made it possible for you to get and made it right with premium wireless for 15 bucks a month. No gimmicks. No gotchas. You can even bring your current phone and your number. Go to mintmobile.com slash drenched. Upfront payment of $45 for three months, $90 for six months, or $180 for 12 months. Plan required. $15 per month equivalent. Taxes and fees extra. Initial plan term only. Greater than 50 gigabytes. May slow when network is busy. Includes up to 20 gigabytes of hotspot. Capable devices required. Available now. Availability, speed, and coverage varies. See mintmobile.com. Incredible. By the way, someone just sent me a great Goodwill hunting plot hole. And it was just a guy. It wasn't a guy who was in social media. He had like 40 followers. Yeah. But it's a great point. The one about. You said you posted about it, right? No, not mine. I had my own. About the car. Yeah, yeah, the car. Yeah, yeah. That one that people are poking holes in. But the scene, you know the movie, right? Yeah, yeah. The famous scene of like, how you like me now? And he, you know, Matt Damon's. Yeah. Ben Affleck's talking to the guy. And then he's like, he makes Ben Affleck look stupid. And then Matt Damon comes and makes him look stupid. And then the guy's like, yeah, well, your kids will be. You'll be serving my kids French fries. Why does he assume Matt Damon doesn't go to Harvard also? He knows nothing about him. They're at a Harvard bar. Matt Damon just like dunked on him. Yeah. He proves he's like an absolute genius. And the guy's like, well, you'll be working at fucking Burger King. Yeah. Why doesn't he assume like. He doesn't know what we know. Yeah, yeah. Is it just the accent? I get. Well, yeah. The horrible Southie accent. I mean. I guess. Yeah. But like the Kennedys have accents. They're smart. Okay. All right. All right. You know what I mean? I mean, this is what we're here for with these podiums. Okay. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a piece of bad writing. So that was the plot hole that they all of a sudden knew that he wasn't smart. Well, yeah. I mean, it's like they're in a Harvard bar in Cambridge and this guy walks over and is like fucking just rifling off all these book facts. Hold on. Didn't before that he ask him who did you have for. Didn't he mention a teacher? Did they talk about like didn't you have this guy for. Or was it a book? I think it was just a book. No, it was like a book. Yeah, a book. Because he's quoting a book to Ben Affleck. Oh, you read this and that. Okay. So what is that movie? I've seen that movie but it was a long time ago. It's essentially about a guy who's white trash but is smart. Yeah. Yeah. He's a janitor. Yeah, I remember that. He's a janitor. He's a genius and. He works at MIT, I think it was. Yeah, he cleans floors at MIT because he's a genius and he needs to be challenged. I mean, the whole movie's wonderful but silly. Yeah. I mean, they're original. You know, the original script was like they were like they solved the problem because aliens were coming down and stuff like that. Oh, wow. Oh, yeah. Really? It was horrific. Yeah. It was like really bad. Well, there's rumors that someone else kind of. Well, yeah. I think because they were like he. They went so far like he had. He was the only person that could figure out the algorithm to set the thing off that was going to kill the rocket that was coming down to shoot up Earth or whatever. It's like Armageddon. Yeah. So I think they were going in that direction. That's also a weird. That's a weird fantasy. I've like. It's a personality type that's like there was this guy and he was really smart and only he knew the solution to the big problem and he saved everyone. I've like heard people do that before. Yeah. Well, I've never. That's never anything I've ever fantasized about. It was way better the way it went. The way they chose to go. Well, I think Louis had a bit about it too. It's like Matt Damon wrote the movie. He stars in the movie and like it's like he's like a badass who can fight and beat the shit on anybody but he's also super smart. But he's also cool. Yeah. And it's like there's no. The guy has no flaw whatsoever in the movie but he's a piece of shit. He like overcame everything and he can fight and he's cool and he's smart. Yeah, but we got to feel bad for him. And yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because he can't get it together with the hot chick. Whatever. I like talking about. So that's the big thing. Yeah, you know, because he was abused and all this stuff and then that's how Robin Williams gets involved. He's the therapist. Gotcha. Just, yeah. Is Ben Affleck in this movie though? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He's his best friend. I think that's the only way he might know that he's not from Harvard is because you wouldn't have a gorilla friend like Ben Affleck coming over and getting like. Like nobody else was like, hey, I. You know, from Harvard was like going to interject. Like, I'll kick the shit out of you. Even if he doesn't go to Harvard, he's still clearly like a brilliant guy. Yeah, yeah. He's like, yeah, I work at Burger King. No, you're right. He should have been like, why would I work at Burger King? I'm fucking. You're absolutely right, Joe. I mean, this is not my original point. What was your plot hole that everyone. I liked yours. My plot hole is they give him a car for his birthday. It's 20 for his birthday. Buy him a car and then they're like, all right, enjoy. We're not driving you around anymore. And then like two scenes later, they pick him up, which someone pointed out it could have been Saturday and they're going out to drink. But they weren't like, oh, his car's not here. Like they're like, oh, he must be. Like he's knocking on his door being like, where could he be? He could like, how could he possibly not be home? Yeah. But a big indicator would be that. His car is not here and the one you just bought. That seems like a bigger plot hole. Thank you. I appreciate it. Well, fuck that other guy. That other guy's a fucking dumbass, bro. Yeah, he sucks. I'll never be like Goodwill, honey. Sorry, I brought it up. My heart's racing. I had. My whole family does like demolition. I remember when I started stand-up, you know, I did stand-up for a couple of years. I met a bunch of comedians in Philly and then I quit stand-up to work in demolition and I was walking home from work because I was like working in Philly and I had to take the subway back to like where I was and I had like these like work overalls and I was all dirty and I came off and saw all my comedian friends and they're like, oh man, where you been? I remember feeling so good. Yeah, I'm just working out, guys. I just like. It was such a good feeling. Yeah. You feel like a fucking. I felt. Productive member of society, dude. No, I felt more like Goodwill, honey. I felt like a misunderstood creative. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You're a genius. I remember just being like, yeah, I'm a genius, obviously. I gotta go work. It's a tragedy. It's a tragedy. I gotta work for my dad right now. I can't do comedy open mics with you guys right now. So it's pretty cool. Yeah, I remember telling people my uncles are plumbers and I would go work with them and then I would tell people like, yeah, I mean, I do plumbing and they're like, oh shit, but which is cool where I come from. Yeah, but I just was like wrench. I'm like, there you go. Like I didn't know how to plumb. I was a helper guy. I was a hand down tool to get yelled at. Yeah, yeah. Just standing around like this. I was a helper guy big time. Yeah. I was never. Anytime they were like, cut me a two by four. I needed 37 three quarters. I'd always be like, it's going to take me 20 minutes. I got it. There's so many lines that have to be like, all right, the quarter or like the eighths and sixteenths on a tape measure. You're like. I tried to rent out my own bathroom once. I bought a condo. I was like, I'm going to do it myself because the demo part, that's fun. Yeah, yeah. Ripping shit out and throwing it away and stuff. But then like the plumbing part, it was like, I got it. I couldn't get it right. I had to actually call a real plumber to come over and finish the whole thing. It cost me a ton of money and it sucked because I was like, this is not fun. Like I'm not having. It sucks, dude. I'm never going to get good at this. I don't want to get good at this. It's just, I'm going to hire people. That's how it goes for the rest of my life. Plumbers are going to be. It'd be like if someone was like, yeah, I had a big corporate party and I wanted to do the standout. Yeah, yeah, I know. I thought I was trying to do an hour, but it just went out of my life. I did four minutes. Killed for four minutes. Plumbing's hard. Plumbing's the only trade I never like got to like help out with or try to do. I don't even know how water goes upstairs in my house. Like how do you make that water go up? Yeah, I know. Like the pressure and salt pumps. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, but there's weird things with water though. Like that, yeah, how to get it to. I don't know. My brother-in-law is an HVAC guy and he just knows everything. Like he went to school. My brother-in-law is an HVAC guy. Oh, really? Yeah, like he. Whoa, what the hell? Everything, bro. It's amazing. Hold on. It's amazing. Hold on. Whoa. This is friendship vibes right now, dude. We got our clip. Purple friendship vibes. Straight to the top, baby. Yeah, no. I used to do house painting and. And like 80% of the customers are pregnant ladies that are about to have kids, you know, husband and everything because they get that nesting instinct. They want to just change the house around. So a huge percentage of the jobs the husband had tried to do it failed and then we would come in to like fix it and it was just. It was really demoralizing. Yeah. You see the guy in there and he'd be like, yeah, it's up there and you walk in and he'd be like, look at it. All half on the ceiling. All fucked up and it would be like better. The tape is still on there. Yeah. Swastika's up there. Swastika's up there. Swastika's everywhere. Using tape is kind of. The guy, my friend I worked for, he would call them tape users. It was like. It's kind of shameful. It was. I would frog tape the floor. I tried to do all the shipping myself. Yeah. And then I hired an 80-year-old Greek man that came in with, like, one arm, did the whole fucking thing. My wife wanted wallpaper on the ceiling. We have wallpaper on our ceiling. Yeah. Nobody would do it. This 80-year-old Greek man did it in, like, an hour and a half. And perfect and beautiful. That's crazy. I'm like, I couldn't. If you gave me 100 years. No. It would look horrible. I feel like if you're using tape to paint, you should call someone else to paint for you. Tape is, like, it takes so long and the chances of you not bleeding through. And just fucking it up anyway. Yeah. No, I hire everything. Yeah, so do I. That's what real men do. I guess. I mean, I feel like I, you know, you see your friends cutting their own lawns and shit. And they look really nice. Like, my guy cuts my lawn on Thursdays. Some Sundays, it's like, sometimes it doesn't look great. And I want to cut again. But I can't. Because I don't have the skills. You don't have the stuff. You can cut a lawn. You can do the lawn. I don't have the lawn mowing. This is a little. I don't have the lawn mower or the skills to do it. Yeah. I mean, it's. Yeah. I. I wouldn't. If you don't have to do it, I wouldn't do any of that stuff. One time I got. When I first bought my house, I got a ride on lawn mower. And it was. It was awesome. The guy left it. And I was driving around. I didn't know how it worked. I remember I. Like, I would cut the whole grass. And then I realized at the end, I never put the mower part down. I never put the blade down. I was just like a Zamboni going up and down my fucking driveway. Up and down my lawn. Like, smoking a bod. Like, feeling like a man, dude. Like, this is pretty thick still. You know. Just drove over. Yeah. Just rode around with the. But a lawn mower, lawn mower is just like a shopping cart. Yeah. You just hold it and. Yeah. Push it. It depends on how. If you can get your lines neat. That's. But then the edging. Yeah. You know, the edging. Yeah. All that stuff. Yeah. You gotta buy the trimmer. And then the blower and stuff. Yeah. The weed whacking. They do it so well. Weed whacking's sick. I used to do lawn care. And being just the weed whacker guy, you hop out. Someone mows. And you just get to walk. And it's go. Yeah. It was fucking awesome. Yeah. You wore a lot of hats. I did. You did. I've had many. I've had almost every type of job you can possibly have. You're like the village people. I am. No. Yeah. I had dog walking. Dog walking was cool. Dog walk. I used to take. That was my favorite one. I used to drive an old lady to dialysis three times a week when I first moved to Los Angeles. She was probably 90 years old. Oh. And she was funny, nice, you know, older lady from Brooklyn. And but she would, you know, dialysis is. It's pretty crazy. Yeah, it's intense. So she would get she would get like she would get into my car and then all of a sudden like she would rush and she would and start to bleed again. I have to drive her back. And she was like, I'm embarrassed. And then I would take her to the store. She just wanted. I'm like, no, you're. Yeah. I was like, no, no. I'm like, I felt responsible for this lady. Come here. Come here. Well, I would take her shopping. Dude, it was like we it was like Tuesdays with fucking Maury. Yeah. We would spend all day together grocery shopping. She was like buying like hair products and stuff. But she was like my grandmother. I would drive her around for like. That's kind of nice. You did like home care pretty much. Home care. Yeah. Absolutely. I was like and I was not equipped to do this at all. I was, you know, I was terrified of blood. Yeah. And death. And death. And I was like this lady. It was her. Her son was a manager, like a big time manager in Hollywood. I would say that makes you good. I'm responsible. This lady dies on my thing. My career is over. It's over. That's a good point. I'm a candidate, though. If you walk in for that job, I'm like, I don't fear death nor blood. I'd be like, yeah, all right. Yeah. Thanks for your resume. Yeah. I want a little nervous Nelly in there. I fear neither death nor blood. Yeah. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. OK, it's time to shoot your shot because with PrizePix, you get fifty dollars instantly in lineups when you play your first five dollars. That's right. PrizePix is now giving you fifty dollars in lineups when you sign up and play your first five dollars every dunk, every dime. And every board is so much more exciting with PrizePix. So don't miss this chance to get started on America's number one app for SportsPix. Discuss any past or upcoming sports events. Mention you can mention you can find it on PrizePix. I mean, guys. Oh, man. Imagine if you were prize picking on the USA hockey game when they won gold over, you know, won gold over the Canadians actually saw that. That was awesome. I watched it in the airport. Oh, that'd be so fun. I mean, there's NBA. March. Madness UFC 326 Holloway versus Oliveira on March 7th. Wow. My favorite PrizePix feature right now. Hmm. Let me think about this. I like how they put their users first. So all withdrawals are fast and secure. PrizePix accepts most major payment methods, making deposits into your account quick and easy this sports season. Download the PrizePix app today and use code drenched to get fifty dollars in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. PrizePix, it's good to be right. What's up, guys? What's going on? I got to handle some business right now. In terms of the live performances, I got my ticket counts right here. And honestly, we're not looking bad, but I do have to bring some of these shows to people's attention. Also, look at my little boy here. Yeah, he's back in the cone. I hate to see it. But yeah, I mean, I took him to the vet and they, you know, they, you know, he's back in the cone. I hate to see it. But yeah, I mean, I took him to the vet and they, you know, he's back in the cone. I do have to bring some of these shows to people's attention. I hate to see it, but yeah, I mean, I took him to the vet, and they said my ticket sales were so low in Indianapolis that they were thinking of cutting my dog's head off, and I was like, if I sell some more, would you not cut his head off? And they're like, well, if you can get that thing up to 97% sold, we'll think about it. Otherwise, this cone is going to have blades come out of the side and, well, cut his fucking head off. So hopefully we can avoid that. But yeah, sorry, I'm, like, filming at a weird angle because I took all my clothes off, and then I remembered I had to film a video. So I'm trying my best not to show everybody my penis as I lay here. Poor fucking guy. They're going to cut his damn head off. Guys, you can catch me in Cleveland, Ohio, the 6th of March. I'll be in Cleveland, Ohio. Then I'll be in Pittsburgh, PA. Both those sales are looking pretty strong. So we're pretty good there, but yeah, come on out. What else do we have? St. Louis, Missouri, after that. That's in March as well. I think the 26th. I'm looking at my computer sideways. It's kind of tough to really read it. Yeah, Indianapolis, that's the big one. That's the one they're going to cut this guy's. Head off if I don't sell enough tickets, which I sure hope that doesn't happen. But, you know, if it does, I tried my best making this sweet promo. So, yeah, so after that we have, this is just late night vibes, guys. If you don't like them, go to bed. After that we have, what do we have? St. Paul, Missouri. What are the sales looking like? Oh, not bad. All right, that's wow. Guys, Phoenix, Arizona. I'm doing the Celebrity Theater. Ticket sales are abysmal and the fucking place is huge, guys. Come on. I mean, it's not until April 26th, so I have time, but come on, man. Let's fucking get that up. Otherwise, they're going to want to say it around this little poor guy. You see the condition. He's already on the chopping block for Indianapolis. But. Man, if I don't sell out the Celebrity Theater, you know, I don't want to say what they're going to do, but they're going to turn them into sausages. They're going to feed them to kids who don't have any food. So, yeah, we don't want that. They're going to make dog sausages and give them to poor kids in the third world. Poor little guy. All right, what else do we have? Yeah, that's pretty much it. Go to mattmccosker.com, please. This. By the way, this isn't supposed to be funny. This is a serious business announcement. So, just do it for him. If not for me, do it for this little guy. He's blind. And re-polled it. All right, never mind. He's re-polled it. Did you see that? Netflix has a show now where it's just last words from people, or is that just like a one-off thing? Oh, because of Eric Dane? Yeah, did you see that? I saw that. I saw it last night. I almost watched it, but I was like, I can't believe it. Dude, I was crying. But my thing is, is that a show now? I don't know. Where they're like, die, people give. I think it's a cool show. What do they do? They talk into the camera? Dude, he did a whole thing. I thought he just did it. Oh, wow. Yeah, that's because they just said. Maybe he just did it, and then they were like, one last deal. They licensed it to Netflix to give a little money to the family or whatever. That's cool. I didn't know if it was a new show. I was like, that's kind of a sick show idea to let people who are like about to die just be like, here's my thoughts on everything. Or people that aren't. You're just like, I don't know where I could go, but let me just tell you something right now. Kind of nice. A little monologue. And you update it. Yeah, your best monologue. It's a tearjerker. It's like a message to his daughters. It's to his daughters. He's dying. It's very, very sweet. I watched it in the hotel room. I started crying. Yeah. It was very nice. It's, I don't know. I mean, we're probably all around the same age. It's pretty. I'm like, damn, dude. Yeah. These are, this is us. Yep. You know, it's like, these people are us, dude. Yep. Should you start? I'm recording last words. Yeah. Jeez. All right. Change the color. That's all right. Change the color. Give us black. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. All right. Jesus Christ. No, I said the same thing. Let's talk about Epstein again. I looked and I was just like, first of all, I'm insecure of the fact that I think I'm going to start looking just like Epstein pretty soon. You can see that. Oh, yeah. I've been seeing some pictures of him. I'm like, dude, I'm going to start looking like him. little wild dude and the tan you gotta get that tan a little more i know man a little more rosacea i might get some work done too to bring my chin out like his but i think i'm gonna work i'm that's been it some guy was like dude you look just like jeffrey and i was like bro you hit my most viral nerve right now i'm really worried i look like epstein so i think you're all right yeah you're better looking than him yes kinder eyes thank you he does he does have scary eyes yeah yeah i heard he had an egg-shaped penis oh yeah the deposition hit an egg-shaped penis i feel like every deposition has the person's penis described in it like everyone you hear about it's like you're just gonna well you know you heard what was it uh trump had trump had his penis described in the deposition anyone with like a sexual something has a deposition of about their penis yeah that's right i mean that's like part of the proof you're like what kind of dicks you have and they go yeah you have to know yeah they take it out and they're like that's it you fucked yeah you definitely fucked this lady is this the dickie question they put a bunch of boners in the police line yeah you have to blindly feel each one i'm gonna have to shove this one in my ass to see if it's a real deal how it really feels i'm gonna have to really get involved with this one yeah trump had he apparently had that mushroom tip like a master master but that's the other thing it's like these guys all have schmeckles they never have like dongs dude they never have units it's never like and on top of him being an unbelievable sexual predator yeah he had a fucking unit like a big old unit dude he was probably pleasing a lot of these people you know i think you can hurt the kids if you have i guess yeah so it's perfect size that's right damage you need in my defense your honor my shit's tiny so he's looking for one car garage yeah yeah yeah hearing this makes me grateful about my dick i feel like my dick is just a nice it's not huge but it's like yeah it's straight and a nice big standard issue pretty that's it yeah same way it would be it would be hard to be like oh there's a this wacky thing although i do have a bit of a thumbprint because i used to jerk off like this when i was a kid so there's like a purple wait not grip no when i was for many years i jerked off like this oh like don't touch the sides yeah okay yeah so i have and i went to the sex clinic one time do that though i don't know that's just like how i started i just kept going it's like a batting stance yeah true you're just like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god it's like yeah i don't know i just yeah comfortable yeah he goes over it he does the old school wind up yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah you gotta learn by yourself and i went to a uh sex clinic because i had herpes it's the whole thing but the lady was like what is she was like eastern european she's like what is this contusion from masturbation and i had to be like yes yeah yes god damn you've seen a lot of dicks lady yeah holy cow how did it continue like why would this make it i think because it's a lot of pressure and yeah as you're going as you lose control you probably lose control your grip you're like you're like you're gonna fucking feel this it could also be cause causation like it might have been i started jerking off because it was already there like a birthmark oh okay maybe it felt good it was like a sensitive spot for you yeah but i think it was a contusion from masturbation oh god i believe oh you thought that was like where you're like oh this is where i jerk off this is my starting point yeah it's my handle it's the grip i remember hearing that it curves you if you do one hand over the other so i like switched up to my hand and i was like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh my god i'm like oh i left oh i started doing western grip where i would go down you know like yeah like down and away down and away you still do yeah no not anymore okay not anymore but uh yeah when i was trying to switch it up once in a while yeah western grip western grip i also never had lube i just nobody nobody fucking helped me no i know i know i had no guidance i honestly i i think about that with my sons i'm like i know that they're doing they're definitely doing it but like are they doing it right maybe they could be contusioning themselves and i you know i feel responsible go get them yeah i'm gonna send them the clip of this of the we'll clip the of him and then just go hey just so you know yeah so we got this shit out we got this and the brother-in-law thing i think straight to the top i used to use blueberry hand soap as lubricant and it completely dried my ball sack out to where like the skin was falling off and peeling didn't it burn when it got inside the tip i don't really recall i don't think it ever burned me on the tip i remember this first my first folly was that the blueberry soap when i was younger before i started using it to masturbate i could have sworn the blueberry well i thought it tasted good so there was a part where you were blowing yourself no no no no like yeah i was i was actually i was pretty big when i was eight but the uh no i remember eating blueberry soap being like if it smells good it has to taste good absolutely i pump blueberry soap in my mouth i was like ah fuck and then i started using it to jerk off oof so it can put hand soap no way when i first started jerking off i i didn't even jerk off i just fucked the pillow like i would be on the pillow and fuck the pillow humping yeah yeah really yeah fucking mattress i i started masturbating before i could even ejaculate so i would stand up off the toilet and pee into the bathtub at the end and be like i'm done wow whoa you're a squirter yeah yeah yeah oh my god and then i'd go oh yeah baby yeah no i work out the legs over here yeah no dude look feel look see how we're i know i got sciatica so i'm switching from side to side give it a little stretch if i sit my sciatica axe up oh really i cross my legs like a girl so it loosens it up like you know like this so it kind of gets it oh yeah yeah yeah you gotta do this shit that's how i yeah that's how i loosen up my hips what do you do on an airplane how do you get comfortable well they've they moved me up to a middle seat they upgraded me to uh i hate i'm the aisle dude i gotta be on the aisle i'm on the aisle yeah i have to be you know i used to be a uh uh you know window window guy scumbag yeah but then i now i have to get up i have to move around i've got to stretch um um yeah because you know stretch in the galley i'll yeah i'll go to the bathroom and chat it up a little bit walk around you did something on a plane i remember i never brought this up i don't think i brought it up with you but on the way back from skang fest masturbate no he was in you were i was in comfort plus you were in first class and you went to the bathroom with your shoes off yeah and i honestly was like that yeah i was like disgusted by that i was well i had socks on you definitely but still i was like what i and i remember i'm like i gotta bring this up to joe next time and i'm glad we're in this forum right now but i can finally debate you on whether or not it is the most gross thing to go to the bathroom this is like a full westbrook this is three hours yeah let me do something right now well i've had other people bring this up and sometimes i couldn't believe it joe we all do things that are gross that we don't think of as being gross yes every once in a while i mean this but i'm here to tell you this this backhand grip western grip is not gross it's beautiful it's beautiful okay yeah i like to take my shoe first of all it's like a cross country flight it was like i don't mind the shoes off so i gotta go shoes off great don't mind feet clean socks yeah is that for circulation like what is it just just comfy comfort comfort shoes and then you kind of swell on a plane yes like these i would easily take off and leave them and then it's like you gotta put bend up putting your shoes on of course i was in first class as you heard but it's it's hard to get the room and you gotta put them all the way back and what so what's the worst case now i get some piss in my sock yes i've had because i know yeah but then you're gonna go put them back in your shoe and then you go home you take your shoes off you're walking around your house in your socks and you got piss foot all over the house now this is the thing people i look like i'm like presenting yeah i have the look of like a germ guy but i don't i don't care no that's what shocked me about the situation i don't care about you i don't i would have thought if they said like joe's gonna get up and go to the bathroom is he gonna put his shoes on or is he gonna go i would have bet my entire house that you would have put your shoes on and gone straight to the bathroom yeah yeah on the floor see i have i have ocd that makes me want to punch people while i'm walking by them i don't wash my hands i guess i mean i wash my hands my shit yeah but like i'll get off the subway and go eat a cheeseburger and not wash your hands play basketball and then go out and eat pizza yeah okay i'm not a fucking nerd piss on the socks is like i guess i know i just was really what's your reusing it i got shit for reusing a tissue where i like blew my nose and put it in my pocket for later if i use it yeah oh that's not gross i had someone like that's yours yeah so like if you know about the socks in the bathroom if you pissed on you're really unaffected you would i in the middle you would do that yeah it wouldn't bother me but the yeah that wouldn't p i have zero fear of p by the way i'm also thinking of snot cum whatever else people are doing i know people that jerk off on planes we're both toilet i'm both of us are guilty of it you've never jerked off on a plane i have yes i wanted to be the last one to say it though well do you want to hear this story i don't know in good faith that people jerk off on those yeah i've heard under yeah yeah i have a i have a story about jerking off on a plane i've told this on podcasts but i was i went in and jerked off just you know it was whatever i was horny and young and ambitious you're up in the air yeah so i had i went and jerked off and i swear to god this is true i came out of the bathroom i just finished jerking off and you got to jerk off fast enough that it could be a shit yeah yeah yeah so i come out and the flight attendant i started she goes hey what were you doing in there no way and i was like what what and she's like you didn't see the sign and it was like an out of order and somehow i missed it oh my so i went in there and i was in there for like a length of time oh and i swear to god she went and looked at the toilet because it's not working yes and there was nothing in there but i had been in there for like four minutes in the track like i did a and then put it in the trash. But it was like the most my heart has ever raked. You gotta be like, plucking my eyebrows. - She's like, I don't need it. - I was like, what were you doing? - Bleaching my asshole, like, oh my God. - She was like, I tried to take a poop, it wouldn't come out. - And it was like early on the flight. - Oh no. - Yeah, at least she didn't answer right away. Like I was using the restroom, going to the bath number two and she's like, how could you? It's out of, ah. - Oh my God. - Or I could have been like, I jerked off. - Yeah, yeah, all right. - I was looking at you. - It's not illegal, by the way. - No, it was horrible. And another time after Last Comic Standing 2010, I jerked off and I came out and Mike Vecchione was the guy waiting. So that was uncomfortable. I was like, oh, hey. So that was, it was like all of us on a flight. - He sat down on an ice cold. - He knew, dude. - What the fuck? - He knew, he knew. - He's probably the next. - Damn, dude. - That's cold. - But in your twenties, early thirties, I mean, I just have to jerk off. - Well then great, you're proving my point, going back to my original argument that you should not be walking into the bathroom with socks on. - But I don't come on the floor. - Yeah. - I do. - I feel Western would do it. - I go Western grip. I'm going down there just laddering everywhere, man. You know, especially in turbulence, you're gonna get out of control. We're in a chaotic environment. - I need the turbulence to come. I can't come unless we work. - Yeah, give me a little bounce, a little shake to get my prostating nervous. - A little nerves. - Yeah. - Give me a full jerk. - Well, also just learn on the plane that like they can't stop you from going to the bathroom at any time. So like I just ask permission. - What do you mean they can't? They tell, like when you're landing and taking off. - You can get up, they can't stop you from, they can just suggest that you don't get up. - Right. - But you gotta pee. You can pee no matter what. - Oh, really? I've had people be like, we're gonna turn the plane around if you, I mean not turn the plane around. - Turn the plane around? - No, no, no. - I mean like pilots. - That's it. - Pilots gonna reach back and hit you from the other side. - I'll tell you what. I'll fucking turn this thing around. Everybody sit down. I told you to hold it. Listen, no, when you get up and when they're taxiing out, right? When they're going like, we're going to the runway. If you get up and go to the bathroom, they'll be like, we're gonna pull off to the side. - They just passive aggressively like, please, as a reminder to sit down. - Oh, really? - Maybe if you're taxing. - Before taxing, I think, yeah. - Yeah, I think like before they're gonna take off, they will pull off to the side of the road. - True, once you take off though. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You can do literally whatever you want. - But it would be hard to prove it. Like I'm sure that the pilots have orders to like, hey, don't. But no one's like fucking looking in there. - I hope you're just looking forward. You're not like, you know, looking in the rear view mirror. But yeah, I guess they're supposed to not take off if everyone's not seated. - True. - But once they're off my boat, I thought you had to wait for the thing to go ding and then you can get up and go to the bathroom. You can just, as soon as you're in the air, you can just get up and go to the bathroom. - Yeah. - And the flight attendants will be like, kind of look at you and you're like, I have to go. - I threw up on him. - Oh, go ahead. - No, I've seen an old man like run as soon as it took off. Like we were totally ascending and he like went running up and I felt like everyone was like, this guy's gonna shit his pants, he's old. But I saw the flight attendant who was still buckled in be like, oh, sir. - And then they just let it go. - Like that thing. - Yeah, they can't fucking, you know. - I thought about it, I said, I threw up. I was, I felt sick one time. I was like, oh, we're gonna, and it was, you know, still seatbelts buckled. And I threw up into the bag, into my own little, like, you know, personal bag, rather than getting up and going to the bathroom. 'Cause I was like, I don't wanna get in trouble. - It's also a small bag for vomiting. - And if they stop me, I'm gonna barf on them. - Was it like the paper bag? - Yeah, it was the vomit bag. - It's pretty small for vomiting. - It is, yeah. - I knew I wasn't giving like a huge, I knew, I had eaten like a fucking lemonade. It was like a 6:00 a.m. in the morning flight. It was like, gurgling around my stomach. I drank a lemonade, I know. Quote, unquote, little piss mouth pass for breakfast. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, little croissant and lemonade. And I barfed it up on the fucking, I don't know. It just didn't sit right. - Damn. - Yeah, but it was like on the takeoff on the way up. And I'm like, I wanna run to the bathroom and just do it there, but I didn't. - Now you know. - Now I know, yeah. I didn't do it 'cause I was like, I thought they were gonna arrest me. - Especially with little kids. I have little kids and they're like, I gotta pee now. And I'm like, fuck. - Yeah, they have like a two minute time window. - Yup. - So I'll just take them there and they're like, sir. And it's like, hey. - Hey. - Come on. - Yup. - Were you traveling a lot when you potty trained? 'Cause it feels like that's gonna be hard. - Oh yeah. - You get a potty trained and then you're like. - Huge, huge setback too. 'Cause we, my oldest kid was potty trained pretty much. And then we went to the airport and that automatic flusher was just like. And then it just, it like reverted her all the way back. - We potty trained in like a week or two at my house. Like we had a week or two off. It was like, I remember we just did it like you walked around and just, he just would wear no diapers or whatever. - That's what they say, yeah. - And then just like when you gotta go, sometimes there were accidents like a dog, but you know, like most times they make it to the toilet and then that was it, but. - 'Cause my son's nine and we just cannot figure it out. - You can't break him in. - You're like, I can't get it together. We can't find the time. - He's a mess. - Daddy's on the road. I don't have time to teach him this. - Yeah, I remember hearing about that. Like, oh, my wife would always be like, we need to spend the whole weekend. We'll stay here. - Yeah, that's what my wife did. - I was like, I'm never gonna do, we're not doing that. - Yeah, we did that. It was great. It worked out. My second son, not so much. He would just, yeah, it was like a month and a half of him being like, I had shit in my pants. And you're like, you did it on purpose. - Yeah, boys are harder to potty train. - Yeah, 'cause they're lazy, dude. My son was like, why am I gonna get up? - Yeah, why do I care? - I'll just shit in this diaper that you gave me. - Yeah, and then you're gonna wipe my ass. - And then you're gonna wipe my ass. And like, really, I'm gonna keep that going till like, it becomes a huge problem. - Yeah, letting your kid wipe their own ass is like, I'm still, I have like three and a five year old. I'm still like, are you sure you did that right? - I never went and was like, here's how you do it or any of that stuff. I was just assuming like, no rash is coming back my way. No problems being sent up the chain. - That's good. - You know, like that way I just know. - That's what happened to me. My ass was a disaster until I was like 30. - They'll come to me. - Yeah. - No one ever taught me. So I like, actually, I've been teaching my kids. Like, you just wipe and then when you don't see any more paper or you don't see anything else on the paper, just do it one more time to see. No one taught me how to wipe my ass. - No, no one ever does. - My wife taught me how to clean my ass in the shower with a rag. 'Cause I used to just lean forward and kind of like. - Yeah, yeah. - I'm still doing that. - Wait, that's how I do it. - Yeah. - I spread the cheeks and I let it get in there. - If I don't have a removable shower head, my asshole is never properly cleaned. - No. - I was just completely, it was disgusting. And then one day she's like, you gotta actually like wipe. So I got a rag and I wiped in the shower and I was, it was just disgusting. She's like, let me see it. I was like, dude, no. - Let me see it. - She wanted to make sure I do a good job. - She likes you, dude. - Wow. - God almighty. - She still will get me with that every now and again. I'll be in the shower and I'll wipe my ass with a rag. And she'll just like peer, we have like a little half ball. She'll peer over. I'm like, bro, relax, man. - Damn. - You don't wanna see this. - Wow. - It's kind of fucked up, yeah. - That's so sweet. You guys are showering together. - Yeah. - Or nearby. - Well, she'll see me. She brushes her teeth right next to where I shower. - Right. - So. - I go in the bathroom with my wife in the morning when she's showering every day. - Do you? - It's like my favorite, it's the best part of the day. - What do you do? Just go up there and fire up? - I creep. I fucking, I toilet gnome her. I just sit there on the toilet and I just sit there. - I had a joke about this years ago. Like when my wife showers, I love to be like, oh, but never once has she been like, let me get some of that. - Yeah, yeah. - She's never like, let me see you naked. - There's no reciprocation at all. No. I come out of like, I'm like a naked person. I'll walk around naked. She's like, puts a robe on right away. But like, I'll shower. I'll walk. She'll be in the bedroom. I'll walk past her. Like naked, like fucking. - Yeah. - She just won't even get off. She won't even look off the phone. - Yeah, man. - And I'm like, this is, I'm presenting right now. I'm peacocking. - You know who would be excited by that? A kid. - A kid. - Pandonic treadmill. You gotta keep, you gotta keep upping it. - Yeah. - I don't feel that way. I feel like a shit. - I'm just kidding. - Have you ever confronted your wife for her phone usage? Been like, you use it too much? - Passive aggressively, yeah. - Yeah, I do it all the time. - Yeah. - Doesn't get a good reaction. I go, can you just please put that thing down. - I know. - Just hang out with us. - Oh. - They don't like that. - Yeah, because you're like, because she's mostly in charge of everything that goes on in the house. So it's almost like, you're like, you're gonna take, you're like, you're taking a break. What are you, you don't have time, time to lean, no time to clean? Like, what are you doing right now? Get off that phone. Even if it's just hanging out with us, that's like laborious to her. You know, like she's like, God almighty. You know what that word means, Joe? - No, but I was, I could, you clocked that I was like, huh, I don't appreciate being called out. - You know, laborious. - Laborious. - Yeah. - Like, boring. - No. - Labor. - Labor. - Labor. - It's like work. - If I saw the spelling. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I thought it was L-O. - It's like work for her to hang out with us. - I see, yeah. - She's not, it's not fun for her to hang out with us. - Of course, laborious. - It's like, yeah. - It's boys, it's boy time. - Yeah, but like she, yeah. - Yeah. - She better be on the phone. But they don't like it. - No, at least I have to be, I'll fake shit. I'll go, I'll take a shit and just like a job. And I'll go on my phone. - Yeah. - That's what I try to do. - Is Sarah on the phone a lot? - Yeah. - But she has to. She could be like, I'm working or doing something. - I mean, she could say that, but yeah, it's a lot of, I mean, we have the same job. - Yeah, I know. - That's true, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - No, she's not on the phone a lot, but you know, I get it, especially now with the two-year-old, it's like when you, sometimes if they go to nap or they go, you just want like some kind of like. - Yep. - Have you ever gotten a communication via an Instagram reel from your wife where it's like, here's something I'd like you to kind of focus on or work on? - Oh, yeah, yes, those, that's the most passive aggressive way you can tell someone that you're not as good as they want you to be, you know? - Right. - They just like, here's a reel about like, I'll get reels about like what you're supposed to say after a game. - Yeah. - You know, like sometimes I'm just a little bit like, hey dude, like where were you today? You know, what was going on today? - Yeah. - And she's just like, you know, I'll, then I'll get a video of like, it'll be like the music from "Moneyball". Like the dad's just like, listen, son, you're the greatest it's ever been. And I'm like, I understand the point, but like, you can't, you know, I'm not perfect. - Yeah. - No, I know. I'll get them every now and again where it's like, it'll be like a lady, like my anxiety spikes when I see coffee cups on the counter, blah, blah, blah, like a deep explanation of it. I'm like, all right, I'll fucking put my cup in the sink. You could have. - Yeah, I would rather you just communicate that. - Nah, but she says it to me, I'm like, oh my God, - God, shut up, dude. - Yeah, that's a good point. - I've been, I had karma back fire i we would we've been sending videos of people falling all winter long because new york we've had like the worst winter so it's like just video after video of people falling and laughing and like the great and then the other day i'm at the gas station just pulled in with her car to fill it up like a nice husband get out of the gas and like not even thinking dude it's not snowing it's barely cold i put my feet down on the ground and they just ice my feet go out from underneath me and i'm like and i'm just i'm every while i'm like sideways every video that i've watched and laughed at is going through my fucking head and the people i hit the ground so hard i was like oh no and the fucking guy comes out he's like are you all right are you all right and the lady over here she's still pumping her gas she goes he's all right he didn't hit his head or anything like that she's answering for me i'm on the ground dude i'm like and i'm thinking to myself i'm like dude i haven't fallen you Looks like i went to the doctor in january my doctor's like he's going over all stuff he goes hey have you fallen recently and i was like what no dude like i'm not a fucking loser what are you talking about who falls like i'm not 11 and then i thought about i'm like i this is what he's like i'm the age of falling now like just random falling and it fucking killed i feel like if they're if you're an adult you fall you should have to go to jail for like two hours yeah just for two hours just like cool down i don't know what it is but like i fell the other night i was naked coming from the bathroom back to my bed it was dark and i tripped over a suitcase and just flat onto my belly all the way to the ground naked all the way to the ground and laid there and i was like i shouldn't be in society oh my god naked taken from society for like a day yeah it was humiliating that is humiliating hit my toes like fuck yeah stubbing your toe but then losing all of it and going all the way like your dick hit the ground in the dark yeah you can squish it on the ground that was all right mine was like it was hanging it was like it was like mission impossible is wow that's crazy dude yeah but you have so many thoughts as you're going to the ground like i'm one of these and i know this is on video we're at a gas station yeah yeah yeah we're at a gas station lemare has a nasty spill it's on camera oh really it might be was it a slip and fall lemare it was a drunk it was more of a brusque tumble damn it was a drunk fall damn dude it was yeah i don't know it was more of a brusque tumble damn it was a drunk fall damn dude it was yeah no it's painful for the ego it's painful like my hip is killing me yeah i landed on my head sucks that that hurts yeah hard did you know did you go home and tell your wife about it oh right away yeah because i'm like i gotta tell her before i this could be america's funniest home videos on sunday for all i know you're like i could be i gotta get her no i can't be the last person to let her know that this could this happen and plus i love to complain i'm like you're never gonna because right away i turned to that camera and i was like oh my god i'm gonna be the last person to let her know that guy i'm like you gotta ice this man i mean you gotta salt this area are you crazy of course what if i was an old lady i'm like you broke my streak today dude i haven't fallen in 11 years now i'm ahead of my falling oh it's coming for you we got we got it yeah i'm telling you joe i don't know i mean walking around the streets in new york how do you not like slip and fall all the time well i had a horrible incident years ago the movie gone girl came out i don't know what year that was maybe it was 10 years ago or something like that and my wife and i went and read the book and loved it so we were like all right here we go and it was sold out it was like when movies would sell out and i went to piss or whatever we were sitting in the middle and i was coming back in and somehow i just tripped on someone's foot or leg and i couldn't recover and i touched every single part i was like go go go go go go go like it was full creamer like i spun and then tripped over the next person and i just and everyone was like oh go yeah i finally like rolled into my seat like you couldn't have blocked it out better for a movie it's like two parkour you're like all of a sudden you're like finding the i'll find the next step when i have to it was horrible and like you can hear the buzz like down the road being like this and my wife was like dying laughing like she's still it's like the funniest thing ever to her but it was humiliating i stepped on every foot touched every fucking dick it was crazy my aunt was on the ride in the city bus one time she's a big lady and she's not that she's not like uh she's not confrontational at all but she was standing up the bus driver she goes the bus driver off way before and she fell on this black lady and just sat there and she goes and she stayed she was so embarrassed she just laid there she didn't try to get up she just laid to the next stop and the lady's like you gotta get off of me what is wrong with you and she's trying to push my hand and my hands like this i can't yet i have to wait to the bus stops dude she just continued to lay on this woman personal space not an issue that's so fucking yeah dude of all the people to land on dude it's just this woman is like she was like you gotta get up and she's like i can't i have to wait to the bus stop like a weeble wobble she's just laying on the fucking lady's lap dude it's just that black lady going into work and you won't believe it yeah white lady was late i know goddamn white lady thought you could sit on me oh dude here's lameric good job yes here we go oh there's gardini coming in oh no someone had a little edit oh this is you gardini yeah he owned it nice job lamer way to own that oh that's a 10.0 for the dismount right there what an edit we're gonna stick the landing on that one beautiful gardini that was good yep nice job dude no ice just tripped over your own you all right nothing to blame i was hurt for like a week yeah yeah i'm telling you oh there was also like a little you did like a little hop up the curb which is the best part he did a little like yeah and then just completely like i got this shimmy shake and then boom straight to the ground well that's the problem with the future there's no falling anonymously no that's what i'm saying anything that happens is yeah yeah true everything we're uh we're living in a panopticon that's the term for that of course panopticon i learned i find it laborious it's not easy it's work well god damn dude i think uh i think we did it man you guys thank you so much for doing yeah no worries this is great dude i had a blast i mean my legs hurt i know i can't wait to sit down hey man go take a nap we do it different down here this is beautiful though do you give this away like you can have it yeah if you want it it's awesome man i'll get another reprint yeah why not is this a famous painting yeah it's yeah it's one of them i know i don't know anything about art i just wanted like the weirdest classy yeah like that's that's jesus i think yeah that's a that's a yeah rainbow that one i like that kind of stuff yeah so what's the sisyphean chapel you know i don't know shit about art i don't know something there's a lot of naked kids in this fucking one back here saying dude they're all the rage right now yeah why not i'm trying to keep up with you know this i think we solved a lot of issues no are we still on no yeah i'm not looking at my phone what do you guys have anything you want to promote oh uh yeah steve brand is easy.com stand updates i'll be in uh i'm going to um key west comedy club in april i'll be in uh backroom comedy club in toronto next month yeah check it out yeah yeah i'm doing a big uh uk ireland thing belfast dublin london adding a show uh glasgow and bristol hell bristol yeah connecticut no pennsylvania dublin ireland and bristol glasgow bristol connecticut weird routing but yeah and uh i don't know yeah punch up live not gonna be talking about i got a movie on there all that stuff specials on fourth of july is great you should see that yeah thank you peep it out all right thank you guys awesome great watch new episodes of matt and shane secret podcast on spotify do it coca-cola for the big for the small the short and the tall peacemakers risk takers for the optimists pessimists for long distance love for introverts and extroverts the thinkers and the doers for old friends and new coca-cola for everyone pick up some coca-cola at a store near you welcome back freaking frack welcome to the jungle abc wednesdays abbott is back it's gonna be the best year yet thank you now we can finally turn this up and everyone's going wild y'all think you run this school but you don't it's going great abbott elementary anything can happen in the jungle right guys all new wednesdays on abc and stream next day on hulu