Ep 596 - 4-Man Jamboree Slam (feat. Ian Fidance, Ehsan Ahmad, Tim Butterly)

Wow, wow, wow, Wes. I should be able to, I should be allowed to smoke in here. If I'm in this hot seat. No, I don't think you're, I would love for you to smoke, but I really don't think we're allowed to in the building at all, because we're on their air system. No. He's sober. Allegedly. Excuse you? You're using coffee, I saw you. Coffee and cigarettes. That's a drug. That's two drugs. Two drugs, you're a polysubstance user. Just give me the word, Josh, my engine's fucking hot right now. Eden Finance, I know you feel like we're against you. We're not, at all. Hey, guys, welcome to the podcast. We have motherfucking Eden Finance, Son of Mod, Tim Butterly, joining us for an absolute jamboree, if I gotta be honest. That's the way the seating worked out, dude. Your comics had to sit down for once, man. That's not the way the seating worked out, then. Can I get you anything? This is an elaborate plan. You were the last one here. That's a good point. Do you need anything? Can I get it for you? Is that a trick, too? We're not tricking you, dude. It's all above board. My hackles are up. You're so paranoid. The coffee's got you smart. Coffee's got you like Jesse from Breaking Bad right now. You're whacked, bro. Yeah, what's intimidating about this? What? You can't even. Why are you here? Relax. I'm in between two normals and a gremlin. I don't know what's going on. That's that fucking chip on your shoulder everyone's talking about down here. What a great privilege it is to sit. No, dude, I swear to God. Dude. We were just going to do a podcast, and I didn't know you were in town. You told me, and I said, yeah, come join. I'm like, fuck, I don't have a more comfortable configuration. My little brother did the same thing. He sat in a seat. He broke his foot. He sat in a seat. He was chilling. Everyone had a good time. My ankle has been hurting. There you go. This is serendipitous. Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but I mean, what a great portion of the way this works. Yeah, take a rest. Yes. I just don't like being the center focus. Dude, you're not. That's crazy you'd even say that. Look how big my fucking podium is, dude. I'm obviously the star. Yeah, but I feel like I'm on trial, and then there's a jury of blacks just touching me in the corner. What is this? That does sound like your nightmare. Judging by a jury of black people. Do you want me to turn the blacks around? Please. We're a little more liberal than that. I guess this really is a jury of my peers. I'm not going to turn my blacks around because. Sorry, mine's in. Well, I have black employees. You have my black employees. I'm going to turn my black employees around. I liked it better when it was just blacks. Heat Finance, how the hell have you been? Son of a. Tim Buddley. What are you guys up to, man? Been good. You guys all right in these turbulent online climates? Are you guys. You guys all right? I'm off everything. Really? I know. I know. The only thing I do is. The only thing I do is Instagram. That's it. Okay. I don't go on Twitter. I don't go on anything else. You're not going to the protest live? Feels good. What? Not going to the protest live? No. What? Someone asked. They were like, can you share this thing about taking off work on Friday? And I was like, well, I would, but I'm playing Cap City and I need to be there. Also, when are they going to go to their boss and be like, Ian Finance told me I can take off work so I can potentially get killed in an introduction? Yeah. No, I'm okay. You know what I think they should do? I think they should do though. Here's the thing. Like, you know, you don't know what the guy did. He could just be working at Walmart, which that's crazy. If we're chasing guys who work at Walmart. Wait, did another thing happen? What are you talking about? There's been two. There's a lady in Minnesota and then there was a guy. Oh, the ICU nurse. In Minnesota as well. Yeah. Yeah. But it's like, what did the guy do they were chasing? Because that's the big question. Wait, the guy they were chasing? Who were they chasing? An immigrant. An illegal immigrant. And that's why the guy got involved. I think so. I think the ICE was out trying to like. Yeah, but they weren't trying to get one. They were trying to get a bunch. Okay. Well, look. That's just a fish. Oh, so you're saying you don't know which one. He was just at the thing. I really don't think that. Which immigrant I died for would be important. That's what I'm saying. Right, right, right. Yeah, it's kind of like, you know how you can adopt someone for pennies a day? Yeah. You should be able to like, like know which immigrant you're standing up for. Yeah. Which Somali I'm keeping alive so I can die. Well, no, that's just crazy. Because like, oh, so I didn't know. How are they getting a bunch of them at once? Where are they getting a bunch of immigrants at once? They're going into towns and knocking on doors and ripping people out of homes. Oh, I thought they're chasing them because they caught them doing an illegal activity. No, they're not playing Benny Hill music. There's no fishnets involved at all? No, there shouldn't be. They're catching, they're playing, you know, they're doing, that's a big game. Yeah. Do you think the immigrants are just chilling in the street just sort of milling around? I think they're working. They're committing heinous crimes. It's one or the other. No, the amount of immigrants. I'm just going off the information. The amount of immigrants they've gotten that are committing heinous crimes, it's like very, very low. Really? But they're doing like, what they're doing is they're capturing people, detaining them for a while, and then going, all right, you're a good one, and then letting them go. Okay. They're like ripping them from homes and like cars. Ask them a couple questions. It's a great first draft idea for how to do it, I guess. I'm excited for V2. V2, I think we're really excited. We're really going to knock them down. We're going to be honed in. I think what they should do, because that's my question, like what do they do? This feels like a debate. No, no, no, no, no. My question is, and this isn't even political, it's more logistical, like at least have what they did. When you're like the ice coming, they should have like a, you know, like they do with like VIP lounges and clubs, like sparkler and to be like, this is the charge. That's the charge. That way you can read it and be like, oh, excuse me. What they did was just being illegal. Like that, what they did was just being illegal. It's not like they're like, you stole, so we're capturing you. It's like, you are illegal. You've been here for 30 years. We heard about you. And you didn't, yeah, we got you. That's like the thing. The jig is up. I didn't know they're going multiple. I thought they were just like chasing a guy. No. No, it's like a raid. A huge raid with like an invasion of masked thugs. They haven't got me yet. Well, that's because we're here. It's because you have an arm. You have an army of Blacks for teaching you that. The impenetrable force of Blacks. I will say, after having me on, they might check you out a little more. How do these ladies know that they were like going and like capturing immigrants en masse? Because they're coming in like big groups. Yeah, they're like. And the lady, you're like there, your house. And then you go and you go, hey. Yeah, and like people are talking and they're like, you know, sharing information. I've been trying to keep informed, but the footage is so bad. It's so grainy. Well, now the thing is, I'm not kidding you, man. I'm trying to form an opinion. Right. And it's just like, everyone's like, oh, from this angle, I'm like, dude, I don't know who's even, like I can't tell anything. So I'm just trying to get informed, honestly. Yeah, I'm going to X to jerk off and you're showing me these fucking videos of people dying. Terrible. Come on, man. We're talking about. Talking about people dying. He's the perfect chaser, by the way. What? After you know. Coming after watching the video. Is like either a decapitation or a guy being executed in the streets. Dude, they should. It perfectly destroys the class. The post nut, like euphoria and gets you right back to being able to work. True. They should. They should do a thing where on like porno, the next video is like an informative news story so that you get your nut off, but you're also informed. Yeah, but then you're going to be way too impressionable and they're going to be able to just put whatever they want in there. I would say make me digest the news first before I get my release. Oh, because you're saying if you come, you'll be more susceptible to be like, oh, immigrants are people. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I'm trying to flip me. You got a little sexual brainwashing. You're right. Yeah. Well, here's my thing, though. If I was going to, you know, if I love, it's like, if that's the case, you're like, they're my neighbors. I'm like, no, these are hardworking guys. Don't come and take them all out. That's. If I was a 40 year old white lady, do you think me showing up as that is going to really help? Or should I, me and my friends get together and work up some sort of like deception, you know, obfuscation. Like a home alone obstacle course. No, I'm saying like we all wear the gear. It's fucking barrow, poncho, mountain bike. Now there's 40 of us. They fucking, the ice sergeant goes. I like that Scooby Doo. I've got these immigrants. If it wasn't for these damn kids and 40 year old. I haven't picked the side yet. Officially, I'm just thinking like, you know, how do you maximize? And right now I'm like, that would actually work rather than. Cause you were just a fucking old white lady. You haven't picked a side yet. I haven't. I can't tell from the footage. I'm looking at the footage. I need all the angles. You need the footage. I need all the footage. And not just. I want to look at the footage. The general information of what's going on. Oh, okay. I need to see all the angles. I've seen 270 degrees so far. Until I reach 360. I'm out. No, it's generally bad to shoot American citizens, I would say. Yeah. I don't want to start it up here. It's probably a bad idea. I'm glad we finally got it. We finally got it. Yeah. Unless. Yes. You know, they committed. I need to see the crime. If they truly are. It depends on your news sources. I explicitly, I explicitly read the drug. Yeah, but isn't that like. They're all true. I read judge report too. I don't read any news. Damn it. We got him. I said two words. I read a big news guy. He invited. I don't know what the fuck is happening. Old drugs. Old drugs. I don't know. - My side is drudge no matter what. I love that little guy. - Numbers are down. - How you been otherwise? - Can we not get into politics? That was my fault, I'm serious. - Can we see him on the lights and get a spotlight on him? I think that would be great. Make him feel more comfortable. - I'm serious right now, I swear it won't happen again. That's my fault. I'm just waiting for you to pull out and my next point. - No, it was a treat to have you, man. - You look great, you look great. - Thanks, man, thank you. - Butterly, how you doing, man? - I'm chilling. - I can tell, man, you have the glasses on. - Is it working or is it too much? - No, you're chilling. - No, you're great. - No, I'm chilling. - It makes me wish I brought my sunglasses. - Why, so you can be the second sunglasses guy? - I know, I'm crazy. - So we could be in solidarity. - So we could be Blues Brothers together? - 'Cause you said you weren't sure if it's working and I'm saying it's working so well. - You make me want to do it. - Yeah, but then you completely redirected all the focus back to yourself, which makes me think that you're not uncomfortable in the hot seat and that you're actually kind of getting a sexual thrill from it. - You put a lot of weird sex stuff on me and I think it's subconscious in your brain. - Well, I think he's been putting a lot of weird sex stuff in the air this whole episode so far. - Whoa, thank you. Never been a weird sex stuff guy. - I think I have trashed the vibe. I'll take full responsibility. - Can I be honest? - Sure. - It's a vibe. - It's a vibe. - Oh, all right, man. You heard it. Don't change a single thing about your life. - Appreciate it. I was just fishing for a compliment. - No, you're doing great. - Yeah, man, so I don't know what else is going on. This episode is brought to you by PrizePix. The big game is almost here and there's no better way to cash in during America's biggest sporting event than PrizePix, where it always feels good to be right. And since the big game is right around the corner, that also means that it's your last chance to get into a football action before next season. So close the season outright with PrizePix by getting $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. Hmm, let me think. Some specific players I've seen play very well. I'll tell you what, I've been loving watching Drake May fucking sling that football around for the New England Patriots. Will he win the big game? I don't know. And hey, it's good to share with the new social feeds feature. You can share PrizePix with your friends and copy lineups from winners with a single click. Copy lineups you like or use them as inspiration for your own picks. You can even follow PrizePix partners like us and tail or fade our picks with just one click. Download the PrizePix apps today and use code "drenched" to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. That's code "drenched" to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. PrizePix, it's good to be right. I don't know. You know what I want to talk to you about actually and everybody? Got off coffee. I can't, I'm more of a, I'm the biggest advocate of no caffeine. I know it's not a popular opinion. Now, how long have you been off coffee? About a month, maybe. How do you, how did you feel initially? Awful, awful, so bad. I've looked into the, but here's the thing though, coffee apparently, and again, everyone's different. I'm real sensitive to caffeine. Caffeine, it's all anecdotal, destroys or severely inhibits, what's it called? Divergent thinking, so like creative thinking. Convergent thinking, it's great. If you want to focus on a task and get it done, it'll get you from A to B. But if you want to like subconsciously kind of like pull from like a bunch of weird stuff in your brain and just create a brand new idea, I swear to God, dude, I think, and I felt this personally. I was like, dude, I'm not coming up with any ideas. Got off the juice, I feel so much better. Looked it up, a ton of people said that. Crushes your creativity, slave juice. Who said this? It's online. Like online forums? It's anecdotal. And then they did a coffee, coffee, whatever. Some company did a study. No, you need to see all the angles. You want the meta-analysis. What does the Drudge Report say about caffeine? I think that's the most important thing to know. It's gotta be Patriot Coffee. But no, dude, I swear to God though. Like I was like, I just felt like dead. And then I like went off it. I have way more energy. I swear to God, I think coffee's a psyop. Coffee's a total psyop. Were you like super irritable when you got off? Yeah. I was so mad. For how long? I was super mean. For like a couple of days. It was all good. But I was like fucked up the first day. But then I looked up the study and they were like, 'cause apparently there's enough anecdotal evidence where they did a study to prove that it doesn't mess with like, you know, whatever, however your brain does creative stuff. And they were like, nope, we gave people a single dose of caffeine, they were fine. It's like, dude, that's the biggest bullshit. Like your coffee, like I don't dream when I have caffeine. I do. Do you, do you have vivid dreams? Well, you might be not as sensitive. That's the thing. I think I'm desensitized. Myself, with how much coffee I drink. Right. You know, maybe. I don't know. I mean. Could be. I could drink this and be able to go to bed. Really. That's crazy. Have you always been like that? I've always been like a night owl and I've always like stayed up super late. And then I'll, I sleep in shifts and then I'll take like a nap during the day. And the coffee just helps me to like jog everything loose. I was on so many more cups, but now I'm maybe on like two cups a day. But at one point I was on like five or six and I've like cut back to where I have one in the morning and then one like in the evening. Dang. That's crazy. Yeah. But I carry, I carry a coffee with me all day. I've noticed that. And I do like sips. I was worried. So I don't drink an entire thing. The entire thing lasts me like throughout the day. You know what I mean? So it's like a security blanket almost? Kind of. It's a binky. It's a binky. I don't think so. I should do the same thing. I would keep one ready at all times. And just cause it's, again, everyone's dead. The whole thing, I would say, is that like it depends how sensitive you are to caffeine. Cause if I have caffeine at like noon, I'm up till midnight. Well, I'm not slugging one. I'm like sipping throughout the day. Gotcha. Gotcha. So I don't know what the effects of that are. I don't really find any like crazy, like. You think your divergent thinking is totally fine? I think I am divergent thinking good. I was gonna say, ironically, like when I, every day I wake up, go to a coffee shop and write. And I get a lot done. Tony, imagine if you were disconnected though from the slave juice. Imagine that. Maybe the slave juice is what I need. I'm excited for Matt to find the perfect thing to deprive yourself of. And then as soon as the results are in, I'm gonna eliminate that from my life. What do you mean? I don't know. I thought about doing the semen retention thing for a while. That's a dead end. Thanks for running out. Thank God, that's all I needed to hear. Back on porn, baby. You can't not cum, turns out. Well, that's how you like, you have to, that's how you shoot up a place. Physiologically, like for your body, because if you, if you get too backed up, it can, you can get epididymitis. So I've had chronic epididymitis. Sean, were you not cumming when you had epididymitis? And when you, when you cum, it like cleans out your pipes. Hold on, how'd you get epididymitis? He was cumming all the time. Really? Were you edged? No, I got, I've had a lot of ball problems my entire life. Yeah, yeah, I had a testicular torsion when I was younger. Yeah, the tissue went around it and I almost lost it, so I had to have surgery. And ever since then, I've had like chronic, not tissue. It's like, I have to get shots in my spine every once in a while because of my epididymitis. You have to get back shots for your balls? That's so fucked up. I'm here, doctor. I'm not a licensed professional, I don't care. Ian, it says you're in here for a head fold. How is your spine related to your balls? Oh, dude, everything is related to your spine. Oh yeah, true, true. So everything is, so everything, like if you get a lower back injury, your nut can hurt because of the certain like wires that go from your spine into different parts of your body. What's the shot they're giving you? A, like a steroid shot in like a certain part of my spine. In like the ball wire in your spine that goes, whoa. You have baby balls, that's so sick. I had epididymitis so bad that it was so inflamed that like sometimes I couldn't walk and they were like, look, like if this doesn't work, we're going to have to remove it. We're going to have to remove your epididymitis. And I was like, well, that would suck. Yeah. Because that's like basically irreversible vasectomy. That's like the carburetor for the fucking ball, yeah. Oh yeah, it's important. Yeah, very important. That is a funny medical condition to have to be like, yeah, my balls are so big I can't walk. My balls are huge, man. I left my wheelbarrow at home, brother. I didn't read the article. My friend sent me an article about guys, I believe in Michigan, who were injecting their balls with something to make them gigantic. And they were just these gay guys and inject their balls, maybe. And they would just do deadlifts in like tight pants and just like a football, like it was insane. I think they died from that. Because you can, you can dick max with, I think, Botox. If you shoot Botox in your dick, you can dick max. I'm all, I'm looks max all the way right now. What's looks max? Dude, it's, you got to watch Clavicle or whatever. What's Clavicle? Clavicle, I don't know how to say his name. Are you not familiar with the fucking Miami Avengers? Uh-uh. I'm so out of the loop on so many online things. All I know about him is that he, this is the first time I heard about him, is he went to the club and they were playing Heil Hitler. Yes. In my, that's, that's what I know about that. I thought you were talking about me because you're pointing down. No, no, no. Good song when I'm alone. No, dude. Dude, the Miami Avengers are under fire right now. It's been a tough time. Who are these guys? You know, you know, Andrew Tate? Yeah. Andrew Tate, Tristan, his brother. Dude, you don't know Andrew's brother? Come on, man, Tristan. Uh-uh. They're fucking boys. Who's Jay Wilder? Who are these people? I don't know who Jay Wilder is. Tim, help me. - This is like the Neo-Manosphere. - Yeah, they're like Manosphere guys, but it's Tristan Andrew Clavicular, who's the looks-maxer guy, who like hits his jawline with a hammer to make it more pronounced. - He's doing like weighted mewing. - Oh, God. - And fucking Fuentes, Nick Fuentes, all went out together. It was a cool night out. A couple of the influencers went out. - A couple of bros. - Sick fucking bros went out to a Miami nightclub. - Perfect. - And they blasted "Heil Hitler" by Kanye West. And they got the whole, everyone got in trouble. And then they started throwing each other under the bus. Yeah, it's a bad look to be in a nightclub in Miami and singing "Heil Hitler." - Yeah, well, fair, fair. - All right, all right, I guess. - So they got in trouble, and then they started throwing each other under the bus as to like who really put it on, who didn't like it. - Oh, you mean guys that smashed their jaws and talked about it? - The way they do, wouldn't be loyal to each other. That's crazy, I don't believe it. - I think the one guy, the clavicular was left sterile from the chemical usage. Like whatever fucking peptides are sterile. - TRT will do it. If you're on TRT too long, your balls, your sperm- - Yeah, but don't, if you start taking TRT, don't you have to be on it for the rest of your life? Or else you'll, like hair products and stuff, like don't you have to be- - I'm actually getting off testosterone. - You're on it? - Stepping down. - No, even naturally, I'm just fucking walking off. - Yeah. - Yeah. 'Cause it gets in your way, dude. - Yeah, it starts like sending signals to your brain that you need to fucking nut. And it's just like, nah, I'm not about that shit. - Really? - Yeah. - Well, you're a medical order. So how much do you have to nut to keep your epididymis? - The shots have helped so much. So it's like not a issue. I have to be careful about if I like tie it off. Like if I'm having sex and I'm like, "Oh God, I'm gonna cum, don't!" Like that can inflame it. - You can't edge. - No. - Yeah, you're never allowed to think about baseball. - Yeah. - Bro, don't tell me not to think about baseball. I love the 93 Phillies. - You just gotta let it fly. You just gotta let it fly. Doctor's orders, you gotta fly. - But I haven't been, dude, new year, new me. - Okay. - No porn. - Let's go. - Have only jerked off maybe like three times, only to memories and I am not doing that. So I guess maybe I'm unintentionally semen retention. - You're an SR. - Do you ever unintentionally, what's that called when you don't eat till certain hours? - Fasting. - No, intermittent fasting. Do you ever unintentionally do that, right? - Yeah, I've done it. - Yeah. - I actually wake up and eat every morning early as hell, but I know what you're talking about. - I can, I feel like I'll get sick if I like eat right away. - Really? - Yeah. - No, I eat for, I eat like 6:30 in the morning. - What? - Yeah, I crush like a lot of food right away. - You have kids. - That's something like that stuff. - Exactly. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get the day started and all that. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I crush eggs first thing in the morning. - Really? - You look, mm. - That, dude, everyone, you know, thanks. I appreciate that. - Is it the eggs? - This episode is brought to you by Viore. - Guys, we've been wearing Viore lately. It's a game changer. - The core shorts work for pretty much anything. Gym, errands, hanging around the house, whatever. - Matt, and the Stratotec tee? Insanely soft. You're gonna wanna wear it 24/7. - Everything is comfortable, but looks good at the same time. It just works. - It just works. - Get 20% off your first purchase at viore.com/mssp and discover the versatility of Viore clothing. Exclusions apply. Visit the website for full terms and conditions. - Aren't you hot? Shouldn't you take that shirt off? Oh, sorry. - Retention over. - Someone's looking for a new memory to turn off. - Isn't that what this is about? - Did a miss real quick behind the curtain. - Making memories. - I don't think so. - What prompted the fucking SR? What are your guys' New Year's resolutions? - Oh, mine is just, mine is very simple. Mine is just to take more pictures. - Take pics? - Yeah, I never, I never. - People or selfies? - Just of my life. - Oh, that's nice. - I never take any pictures and I've done a lot of cool shit. - Yeah. - Like I wish I brought my, you had the cool glasses. I have my Meta AI glasses. - Oh, I hate those. - I wish I got one just to take a picture of this moment from this angle, but. - I think those are evil. - Just take your phone out and do it. - Yes, you know what? - Nah. - I like the Meta though. Meta's sick. - It is sick. - Nah, I think it's evil. - Why? - I think it's terrible. - But are you going to make content for Rainbet? - I. - How else are you gonna make fucking content for Rainbet? - I'm trying to get that Kelsey sponsorship. - What the fuck are you talking about, dude? - You're about to cripple an entire industry. I think. - How am I gonna film myself pretending to swing on an old man? - Yeah, the AI is bad though. I like asking questions. It's not good. It's AI. - I've never used AI or chat GPT. - Oh, chat GPT rules. - I used it for my whole last special. - Well, shit. - Did you also use it to inform your opinions on ice at the start of the episode? - I literally do ask Grok, I'm like, "What's up with the news? "What's the most advantageous financial position "I can take financially? "What will make me the most money?" - That's crazy, dude. - And that helps? - Grok was like, "Use the angle." I was like, "For sure." - Wow. - I want the straight source. What are the billionaires? What are the billionaires think of the news without the advertisers getting in the way? - There you go. - Give me the straight prop. - Yeah. - So you've never used fucking GPT or none of that stuff? - Mm-mm-mm-mm. - It's crazy, bro. - And when I'm talking to friends, I'm like, "I don't know, ask chat GPT." I'm like, "No, I'm asking you." Like, that's what this is. We're supposed to talk. - But you don't talk to anybody who knows anything though. - I know. - None of us do. - I get what you're saying. It's nice to be in a conversation and you're arguing and you're both wrong and you don't know it. - No, I wouldn't- - I was arguing with a friend and he just sent me a bunch of chat GPT and I'm like, "No, use your own thoughts." He's like, "These are my thoughts, but chat GPT makes it more organized." - It ends the argument. - I'm like, "No, you're an idiot." - Yeah, I mean, I don't see the big deal about it. It's like Google. It's like being like, "I'm not gonna use Google." It's just super Google. - Yeah, but you use Google and you can discern and like read different things and form your own opinion. - Dude, how many Google searches do you actually click? You click two, maybe. - No, I screenshot the first result. I didn't send that. I put it in my database which organizes and analyzes it. - No, I just, I don't know. I don't like- - I hear you. It would be sad to think that like, I listen to like music on YouTube for like background music and I do get bummed out. Like, is this fucking AI music? - Yeah. - Just numbing out the AI. I try to find videos of a dude playing the song. - Yeah. - 'Cause it kind of pisses me off. - But even that could be AI at this point. - Fuck. - Yeah, how do you know anything's right? Like we're like this close to like not being able to put like- - Yeah, dude, you should just use Spotify, a platform that doesn't give money to artists. - True. True. - Why would you do that, dude? What is this, Spotify? - Oh, what? Oh, shit. But it's convenient and eventually they will make money. - Spodcast gives money to artists. They give it to like five of us. They give it to five of us. - Oh, I just got on Spotify. I have a travel show called Ian Do An Odd Guy Doin' Odd Jobs and we're putting it on Spotify. - I do, that's a sick fucking idea. - TV show. - Yeah, Spotify, yeah. - People like watch on Spotify. Spotify, you're great. - Spotify has a good sense of humor. They're like Swedes, aren't they? - I don't know. - I think they're Swedes. - Do Swedes have good senses of humor? - Dude, during the- - Tell me about the show. Tell me about the show. I actually saw this and I was kind of pumped on this. - Oh yeah, so all the towns I go and do standup in, I find someone to teach me how to do their job and then I do their job and it's called Ian Do An Odd Guy Doin' Odd Jobs. The episode's coming out next week. I got my tattoo license in Wisconsin and I tattooed a guy. And then I also made pizza in Oklahoma City. I've like cut hair. Got tackled by a bunch of police like service training canines. - Oh, I thought you were- - Man, those dogs had a fucking blast, I bet. - Oh, dude. - If I'm a dog and I get to attack people, I can't imagine a better target than you. - They? No, they literally were like- - They were screaming and shit on the- - Yeah. - Rawr. - He really, he really bit down on it. He was like, "Yeah, no shit. I'm in pain." - You're the most biteable man in the world. - I know. - That was a Malinois? - This guy has huge balls. - Oh. - Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm. - Man, that's sick. You got to wear the suit? - Yeah, it was cool. - Did you get to like threaten one of them? Like you're going to get them? Or they just were like- - Oh, no, they had me run. But I said things like, "You'll never catch me, coppers." Or like, "I want to talk to a white shirt." And then they tackled me and I didn't like it. They gave me the thinner suit, but they didn't tell me that. - What? - Yeah, so you feel it more. - Imagine going to your barber for a haircut and it's like, "Hey, just as a one-time thing, this guy is going to do it instead today." You're just like, "Fuck." - Oh, yeah. I fucked this guy up. - No, man. - He walked out so lumpy. It was great. - Yeah, I didn't even think about that. What was the tattoo? - I tattooed that S symbol on this guy's leg. You know that symbol we wear, right? - Sick. I'm sick. Obviously you're playing. You're playing in my greatest week this weekend. - Oh, and this weekend, I'm going to be a pit boss at Terry Black's and I'm going to run security at the mothership. I'm going to- - I'm going to go. - I'm going to do jujitsu with the Marines in the morning. And then they're going to put me in tactical gear. - Don't broadcast that. There's going to be a security. - It's going to be a big collapse for one night only this weekend. - Lever King is chartering a jet right now. - Yeah. - There's all men coming shirtless and there's a chance. - And there's a possibility, we did pitch to- - Elephant Graveyard is activating his audience. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a penguin and they're all slowly marching towards- - Finally. - They're going to attack me like canines. - But we were, I'm still waiting back and it will probably be no, but we're pitching to Rogan to have me be the chauffeur that takes the guests to a show. But I wear the outfit with the hat and I don't go in. And I just wait outside for three hours. - Are you like a Serbian? It sounds like a Serbian terrorist plot. - Also the show where he gives you his inner headquarters. - Yeah. - And then next week- - Next week I'm piloting a commercial flight Do you guys know the Iceman? I just need to get close enough to surprise them. They'll be dead. It's great. New York is infiltrating Austin. Some of the guys of my travel show. Also, the show for the people stay a block away from the budget. So what's he going to do? I can't wait. My plan is going wonderfully. The Archduke Franz Ferdinand. No, but it's super fun. And it gives me stuff to do. I was just in Connecticut, and I went to this place called Hard & Co. And they are a jean and clothing company. Everything's handmade with antique American machines and tools. And so I made my own jacket. It's pretty cool. You really have a longing for the past. You're very. I love the past. Yeah, you're very steampunk. Yeah. No. I don't like that. Is that steampunk? When you put a tweed suit on? I'm not trying to be a dick. It seems like you love the past. Like handmade. Yeah, I do. Stitching and shit. Well, he did call them the blacks over there. So I think he's definitely yearning. I do. He's definitely yearning for the past. Those were simple times. Yeah. Better times, some would say. Those are actually the antique machines. Clothes. It's antiquated hardware. Don't you dare come at my boys like that. My analog tools. This one's acting up. Smack. It's good you weren't behind the auction podium when you're standing on this. That's why I couldn't give him one. I knew you'd abuse the podium. Austin is better than New York. You're right, Lemaire. That's our prize fighter right there. He's taking down Gomez. That's our boy. Two weeks. Lemaire versus Gomez. I can't wait. Podiums. Taking them down. That's going to be great. I can't wait. That'll be awesome. I'll come back. Yeah, the comedy. The inner city comedy beef is so fun. I love that stuff. Oh, yeah. I just love division. It's amazing. You do? I do. I thrive on division. I like unification. Really? I love unity. Nah. I love getting along. Today's all about just hyper division. Bombarding people with information. Titillating them. Getting them freaked out. Getting them into the streets. Making them clash. You don't like that? You don't like neighbors smashing each other with trash can lids outside because of Facebook posts? It's fun to watch. I'm not going to lie. It's fun to watch. I'm going to. I'm going to show up and blow a whistle the whole time you guys are doing Lewis versus LeMair. I'm going to get myself shot. Yeah. I'm going to be defending LeMair with my life. I'll show up in a mask and tactical gear. We'll make it a point. You'll arrest Lewis? I'm a citizen. I'm a citizen. Show me your papers, Lewis. True. It's also to bring a gun. We don't like New York comics around here. Yeah. It's embarrassing. Everyone's fighting each other right now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm with you. I'm unification for real. I'm just fucking around. Thank you. Let's take it to a question from a premium subscriber. Oh, cool. Let me see. Yeah, that's fine. You can do that one. Oh, boy. This is a perk we give to the Patreon. Oh, cool. I figured since you plugged a bunch of shit, I might as well. Oh, yeah. No, I appreciate that. What do you guys have going on? I have a special out called Too Soon. Yeah. Check it out on YouTube. I'll be in Pittsburgh. February 6th and 7th. Come do it. Timberway.com. Hell, yes. Message from the premium subscriber. They do Q&A shit. Okay. Read all of this? Yeah, man. It's a fucking. All right. Fucking three bucks. I'm a Hungarian immigrant with an eating disorder. Okay. Let me do the accent. I am a Hungarian immigrant. Me so hungry. Is that Japanese? Laugh. No, that's one of the premiums. That's like a fucking shareholder, dude. Oh, I. He's a premium subscriber. You're a good guy. Spotify is great. That's not even Spotify. I'm a Hungarian. Multiple allegiances. I came to this country 170 pounds, which is a good weight where I'm from. A strong weight of a man. But since getting here, the food has been very delicious. I eat and eat and eat. My mother tells me I am like the Kiss Gombok, which if you're not familiar, is a popular figure from Hungarian mythology. In Hungary, it is common to store leftover pig parts in their intestines, making a sort of satchel for further eating. The Kiss Gombok. Is the pig intestine that comes alive, eating everything in its path, getting bigger and bigger as more of the village is consumed until a pig shepherd is also eaten, who slashes it from the inside of this trusty blade, freeing the village who dance and celebrating. Either way, I am now weighing 247 pounds. I sent shirtless picture to my mother to prove how well I am doing in America, and she calls me the Kiss Gombok, telling me she'd love to suck all my rich milky. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. It's the right thing. This is so good. I'll tell you what, the semen retention is going to be hard after this one. That is amazing. That is a porn scenario if I've ever heard one. She tells me in jest that she wants to crawl inside my cavity and sit in my belly like I once did in hers, feeding for my American goodies like the parasite I once was. Only my mother is very old, and she tells me she wants to die in my belly, for as the old Hungarian saying goes, better to be stillborn. than to live a whole life in hunger. Laugh. Laugh. Dude. That's our premium subscriber. Laugh. I don't even know what the fucking question is. Laugh. There's no question. Laugh. There's fucking pissing me off. He just wants us to know that his mom wants to live in his belly. Laugh. Shout out Dominic, Kansas City. Technically it is a Q and A, so he just gave us an A. Laugh. Laugh. Yeah. What way do you want to go? I want to die in my son's belly. Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. when he goes if you're not aware of the kids gumball we should be like now we can move on they're weird i love them you know now you're paying the bills that was great i know these guys they're funny do you ever do like a um instead of a question and answer like a patreon like short story contest or something because that would be fantastic i thought it sounds like a guy with a fucking problem that could have but that could have been that was really funny that's not real you don't think that's real that's a goof but maybe they're fucking pulling the you know the wool over my eyes but do you think that's real well we could chat gpt it no we could we could it's real we'll go to another one i was saying we could do here we could see if it was written by chat gpt that would be really damning yeah okay oh my god guys please just come on okay it's for the subscribers 35 year old metal worker here my brother's been happy can i do your job yeah my brother's been having a real bad go with anxiety i wish i could help him but i've never gotten anxiety myself at least not like he gets it he can just be sitting there doing nothing and the next thing i know he's all sweaty and freaking out it's kind of embarrassing especially if we're at a restaurant or something but i've tried my best to understand so i can be there for him because after all he is my brother recently he has had an episode where i personally felt crossed the line we were at my place watching football me my brother and my boys i have three sons two regular and one adopted two regular and one i don't love and so and so my brother starts his hyperventilating bullshit and i yell at him to stop because he was freaking out my new son he's a two-year-old chinese kid that i literally just got a few days before which is a whole other issue and so i've tried tough love on my brother and told him that if i started to have if he started having one of his sweaty spaz attacks i'd haul off on his ass thinking i'd give him something real to be afraid of hoping it would cancel out any weird inner weakness shit he was displaying in front of my kids and so we get into it my brother starts crying which triggered the fuck out of me and so i started screaming at him trying to tell him having anxiety as a man and not having been in an active war zone is extremely gay and pathetic and he yells back saying it's not helping so i shoved his ass down into the coffee table and he spilled some wine on the carpet and now my wife is pissed also i only paid four grand for the chinese kid which i thought was fine since i i've never adopted and didn't know at the prices but one of my buddies recently told me that he had to cough up like 40 grand do you think there's any chance this little fucker fell off the truck or something if you catch my drift steve from flint michigan now steve that's a question yeah yeah steve your brother might be anxious because he's realized you've human trafficked the chinese baby that seems to be a better job for real selecting the questions you're making an embarrassment of the program saying saying he had to cough up forty thousand dollars how much does adoption cost a lot it's expensive yeah and the process is yes so long four grand makes me think like where did you get this kit like you go to some massage parlor and they're like we have some deal on some kids that that thing is not real what that's like a fake thing that's gotta be a thing to fucking pull my chain yes for sure motherfuckers they're trying to be funny guys to make you guys laugh pisses me off you try to do something nice well i don't know i tried to do something nice you think you know something nice i don't know i don't know i don't I'd like to offer some advice or whatever. Why not one more? I mean, I mean, the last one, the misdirect from the anxiety to the, the Chinese children makes me feel like, I wonder why this kid has anxiety. His brother's beating the shit out of him. Quick crime, pussy. It does strike me as a little bit over the top. Yeah. Yeah. It's 25 to 40 grand. 25 to 40. Yeah. Yeah. It's crazy. Yeah. He got a, he got a, he got a knockoff Chinese child. This episode is sponsored by better help. Let's get real for a second here. I found that comedy is a great way to discover more about yourself, dude. I've learned. Speak on how comedy has helped you discover something about yourself or helped you grow as a person. Um, you know, there's just something about talking in front of people and, uh, it's really helped me kind of like grow my inner child or more specifically my pure Arternis, which is the forever child in Jungian terms. Uh, my shadow has been surely integrated. Uh, I mean, that goes without saying. And, uh, other than that, um, yeah, I had a big, um, I had a big, I had a bit of an Oedipus complex that I've resolved through just like sick jokes and whatever guys, if there's one goal you should have getting into new in this new year, it should be to feel better about yourself, to feel lighter. Plus getting started is straightforward and simple. All you need is better help. Therapy can help you discover what obstacles you're facing and how to overcome them. Better help is over 12 years of experience connecting people with the right therapist. They've served over 5 million people globally and judging by the glowing reviews, it works better. Help makes it easy to get matched online with a qualified therapist. Sign up to get 10% off at better help.com slash MSSP. That's better H E L P.com slash MSSP. Hey guys, real quick. You can catch me on the road doing live standup comedy. I have all new hour. It's been going pretty well. People love it. I love it. Everyone's having fun guys. I'll be in Las Vegas, Nevada, uh, the weekend of February 13th. And then on Valentine's day, there's a big one leaving my family guys, you know, everyone's pissed, but whatever I'll do it for you guys. Paramount theater, Denver, Colorado on Valentine's day, proper, uh, February 14th. I'll be there. So Las Vegas, that's a big one. I don't know what's up with Las Vegas. All these other tickets are selling great. Las Vegas is a last minute town full of gamblers. Don't be the fucking ruined gambler and lose out on, you know, shows definitely on a sellout guys. Don't even think it's not, but right now the ticket sales are fucking poor. So please. Come to Las Vegas or I will. I'll still come even. It's like 10 people. I don't care, but so Las Vegas, two 13, two 14, uh, Denver, Colorado. Then I'll be in a Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake city, Utah, Cleveland, Ohio, a bunch of other places. Get tickets at Matt McCusker.com. Also the day this comes out, uh, it'll be Friday, the 31st, I believe, or 30, it'll be a 30th Friday, the 30th all going to Algonauts at Creek in the cave. We're going to do, I'm doing a show. Me and Tim are doing a show where we go through. People's phones look through their algorithm projected on a screen. We all laugh. It's, it's a, it's a good time. So that's it. Thank you. Uh, Hey guys, I have two young daughters, two and five years old. They're obsessed with the movie frozen, which I can't understand. Not that any of those movies are great, but frozen is the worst of the worst in my opinion. And the message is complete bullshit. Basically you have two sisters, the parents both die and the kids are left alone in a castle. The older one is essentially a moody bitch who moves out to an ice castle, symbolic of a one bedroom apartment. Cat lady after a younger sister, archetypal slut hooks up with the first dude. She sees Prince Hans of the Southern aisle. And so the archetypal slut ends up attracting the archetypal dickhead who just uses her. And so the whole thing goes on until Elsa, the older sister froze the whole town, which I think is symbolic for a bitch type ladies. General presence comes back to save Anna, but the slut sister somehow ends up frozen symbolic of all women eventually just becoming mean to no matter what. And is brought back because of her own true love, not Kristoff's, who, in my opinion, is the movie's true hero, but they make him out to be some unnecessary side character who just has to deal with the fact that Anna, the slut younger sister has been ran through by Prince Hans as if body count doesn't matter. And I know she was technically only, uh, wait. And I know she was technically only once Prince, but, uh, I think he got maybe typoed here and I, I know she was technically only once Prince, but for a fairy tale, which typically only deal with virgins, one is kind of insane, honestly, symbolic of the fact that she'd been run through one in a fairy tale equals 100 in real life. Frank in Manhattan, I'm just, I'm just glad this guy's a father, what the fuck? It feels like he was typing with one hand and jerking off this guy's daughter and he's speaking that way. We'll do better next week. What a monster. Again, that wasn't even a question. There was no question. He just wanted to use, that was more of an op-ed. He just wanted to use fairy tale body count. Are fathers of young daughters dealing with like, uh, uh, body count issues right now? Probably more than any time in history. I think so. Well, no, cause I think they used to like kill them. You know what I mean, some parts of the world, they still do. You would kill your daughter or like, you'd have to kill the guy if they dishonored her. Yeah. Cause you had to basically sell her. Yeah. And fucking women knew not to fuck around or else there'd be consequences. So of course they could marry a virgin. There's been barns full of, uh, you know, hay piles going back to the beginning of civilization. I never thought about this. You know what's crazy? You know what's nuts? So back in the day when you had like a medieval time, if you have a daughter, you would get like one pig for your daughter, right? One pig. Can we look that up? That sounds low. Maybe 25 to 40,000. But here's the thing, dude. That was like this. That was like the biggest thing. Yeah. Was it a Chinese pig? That was for like a wife. OnlyFans models make billions of years. Those guys, I think went, they got drastically low-balled. If you think about it. No, but most OnlyFans. Woman's true value. It's like sitting on top of oil. Kind of, but most OnlyFans models make nothing. Most OnlyFans models are just showing holes to the void. Even 250 bucks a month compared in pigs, medieval pigs. That's a bag. Can we get a conversion rate? Yeah. That's a hoard of pigs. Yeah. But a pig yields. More pigs. More pigs. That's a ton of food. And more pigs. No, you're right. So like one pig yields. No way, man. I've been to functions where a pig was barely one meal. I've been to parties where an entire pig was just like the meal for the night. You're going to do one feast in exchange for your daughter's chastity and potential future. Yeah, but they probably also didn't eat a ton so they could make the pig last a while, right? No way. It's meat. It'll spoil. But didn't they also get cows and like donkeys and stuff? A cow. If you're lucky, yeah, you get a cow. That'd be a good present. Yeah. But also didn't you get like a cow on some land? Like wasn't that the dowry? It all depends on your daughter, how hot she was. And probably like the area you're in. 50 shekels of silver. Uh-huh. Okay. Wow. Or the equivalent in livestock, basically. Okay. So they probably had it pegged pretty well then. Wow. I was thinking people got ripped off in medieval times when selling their daughters. I was like, what am I saying? I mean, they probably did. Yeah. I mean, it just, I mean, the real people who got ripped off were the daughters. What do you mean? They were property of their father? What are you talking about, dude? They were the father's rightful property. Can you imagine having a daughter and being like, yes, this will pay off in the long run? I mean, maybe. It is 18 years of just like feeding her while she learns like basket weaving and shit. And you're just like, please don't get fat, man. Yeah. Yeah. That would be pretty nuts. That is like, yeah, that wouldn't feel good. Honestly. If you had like a beautiful daughter and all you could think about was just selling her for like a fat sack of gold. Yeah. That would feel okay. You'd be like kind of, it'd be bittersweet. And also imagine being like a hot daughter and being like- That was your retirement, by the way. Really? I'm only worth a pig? Look how hot I am compared to these toothless goblins. Like, shouldn't I be worth like two pigs? Yeah. But if you're like a peasant's hot daughter, it's still a pig. It's, I'd rather a noble, I'd rather a noble to get a goblin. You would get a fattened sow though. If you're a peasant's hot daughter You probably get a fat pig and as a girl they'd probably be like that's cool. See in my neck of the woods They work with goats. I don't know how fat goats get My neck of the woods for talking about Azerbaijan is very funny Yeah, I'd prefer a goat to a pig for sure. Yeah goats give you milk. There's more there's more happening with a goat You can fuck a goat. With um, sure. What'd he say? He said you could fuck a goat. I said you fuck any animal. In arranged marriage Would it ever be like if you're not like status matching would you ever make up the difference with an animal? I don't know why I'm looking directly at you. The shades are hiding in your eyes. He's also the ambassador. My parents were arranged marriage and the way that it worked is my dad grew up in a very poor village My mom came from a rich family in Bangladesh, but he got to America So that was his trade-off like oh you get to America you get the hot girl of a rich family And then you bring her family To America. That was the trade-off to work harder. Yes, exactly. So he came in he got to America and they were like, oh, here's An anchor bait. Oh man. It was uh, it was he had to he had to like he went to engineering school in Dhaka Which is a capital of our goat. He just rode a goat across the Atlantic Onward to the Goat in the Atlantic For a month and a half Onward to the Bering Strait - The life of pie was based on my dad. - The wife of pie. - The wife of pie. - The wife to pie. - The life of cream pie. - The life of cream pie when he got to America. - So he, damn, that's a sick deal. Get to America, get the babe. - Yeah, you got the- - It's like the hero's journey. - Yeah, it's something to aspire to. It's like, oh- - My question is, are they legal? - Yeah. - Hey, thank you for asking. - So he got here legally. - Legally, yeah, yeah. - Damn, that's hard as hell. Why the hell couldn't she get here? She's rich. - Well, yeah, like girls can't- - Oh, they can't have ideas My mom told a story about how when she was younger She like kind of dated the guy across the street from her and then her brothers found out and they punished her by taking her out of school Going to college she's a dentist now, so she figured it out. I mean, hey, yeah, but check that out. Yeah Yeah, they're still together arranged marriages never get divorced Yeah, almost never. It's like a 90% Yeah. Yeah, are they are they not allowed? No, they're allowed but it's like it's it's sort of like This is the way that so they call it there's arranged marriages and love marriages That's what they call it and in arranged marriages You're sort of faced with the person and who they are immediately So you have to learn to love them in a love marriage There's passion and that fades over time and then you get to know the person right and that might change Oh, it's like you come at it with a different mindset And do you think the arranged marriage like the goal is to have children and bring families together? So then the they recognize it like they kind of have to lay down their Desires for the greater good of the family and community So then they work together as a team rather than people that you're anti girl boss. Absolutely. Hmm. Yeah Yeah, it's a it's an Asian thing Asian. It's like you work for the whole culture It's but you know the nail that sticks out gets the hammer. That's what they say in those cultures So you got to like we got to work for everybody What about a range divorce? That would be sweet You two are done Yeah you got to give the goat back We want the original goat Give us the original one Give me the goat back My goats like 23 years old can barely walk Kill me I mean it is a funny idea to think you're gonna like as a young person stare at a person and go Yes, this is total. This is like, you know, I know the elders obviously know better how to mash you up Yeah, and it's kind of tight man. I don't know. I like the idea of arranged marriage. I've always thought it was cool Well the idea the arranged marriage is how everyone did it forever up until recently like question even even like the American like yeah Go ahead. How do they decide the arrangements? What do you mean? Do they just like put names on dice and roll? We're talking about thousands of years of like I didn't ask my friend Glock Do they write their names on chicken bones? Maybe on people on fire Or maybe when the wind blows and that's where they go find their wife Maybe on the chat GPT Because there's no judgement with my questions So here's how it works now It's because there's like it's like a vestige of that where it's not like they're not forcing people to get married anymore But they'll give the girls something called like bio data's and it's like a picture of the guy's face and all his stats like height Weight what he does what he likes what kind of family he's from where he's from Well, it's a profile so it's like Indian pop the balloon But if you don't pop the blue you get married for life Classes is like you would love this what I know you're an old classicist. I thought you'd love The fact they did in the good days So what would they do prior they would take the lady by her hair My mom walked into her wedding. This is one of those Isn't that a show on TLC? Yeah She's like so she met my dad. They're like, oh we're kind of like yeah I like this guy like this is we're kind of compatible and then oh I we can get to America all that sort of stuff And then yeah, she walked into the next time they met. She was like, oh, this is my wedding That's like realize like I've been honest about like her feelings in that moment. Like was she an Initially attracted or would she like like how did that work out? I think at first she was like, oh But then I mean she understand understandably, but easy situation, but but like she loves my dad. My dad's a good man So it's like yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's so nice. He funded her dream. So it's like she kind of lucked out That's kind of like such a better love story than you know, like, mm-hmm. Oh, yeah Old couple they go they want they go hiking all the time like they do like 10-hour hikes together That's nice. Yeah, it's my bio data Because they're arranged there's more like Those rough times they're like really try to make it work like there's no they're not trying to like get out Also, you kind of have customer service as you just both call your parents and like what the fuck? Yeah, and I bet the advice you get from the parents since they went through it is way more like on the level and just Logical then going with like feelings and having like two families that have never dealt with the same otherwise It's just you're drunk at a bar one night you go I think I'm gonna fuck it Like hiking. Yeah It's just I think it's yeah, I think it's just equally kind of a crap interesting This episode is brought to you by AG one dude real quick. Got to tell you guys about this I like this like that to AG one the healthy stuff. I've been drinking recently Still just one scoop once a day vitamins minerals probiotics all this stuff. My actual diet doesn't provide mix is great Doesn't taste like a fistfight Package travel easily if you're on the road doing shows or just too lazy to measure anything out which dude come on They also recently came out with AG one Pro the same foundation, but with creatine in one simple delicious drink So if you're someone who trains a lot or wants to get more impact out of your stack this one might be worth checking out Mm-hmm. So hurry up and go to a drink AG one comm Slash secret pod and for a limited time only get a free immune support bundle Including omega-3 fish oil and vitamin d3 plus k2 with your first subscription to AG one next gen or AG one Pro That's drink AG one comm slash secret pod This episode is brought to you by the terminal list season 2 Chris Pratt is back as Navy SEAL commander James Reese But this isn't just a return its redemption Three months after finishing his list Reese is hiding in Mozambique with a terminal brain tumor Then the CIA shows up with one last mission On a terrorist behind attacks across the West but the mission quickly turns into a globe-spanning fight for survival while Reese uncovers a conspiracy that ties into his own family history and Reconnects with the brothers. He thought he'd left behind Watch the terminal list season 2 on October 21st only on Prime. Yeah, I got I When I was younger, I was like arranged marriages like never now that I'm older. I'm like, oh I kind of see that I see the value in it, dude. Yeah. Yeah, what's up? Do you qualify? Do you qualify for an arranged marriage? Could you be as a comedian? There's not a lot of Bengali girls that would that would be interested. Yeah. Yeah, I'd have to be like but in America Right for them to even start like like right now like so do you aspire to be like a kosh? Better questions you aspire to be like a kosh like a year and a half ago Stand by you did nothing Yeah, I'm not I like I'm not trying to think by the way It's not life But yeah Brack correction, I'm not like I will say like my special right now is doing pretty good No, Bengali people are watching it and I asked I asked my mom I was like they're not gonna be like to one of those countries where if you put like the unlicensed music they restrict in that country You ever do a YouTube video where you put like a song? Like we're not gonna show this. No, it's not like it's not it's not like Russia. Fuck. Yeah Yeah, but it's like yeah, I would say I would say I'm not like in with the culture yet. Really? Yeah Yeah, I mean, I mean bullshit literally surrounded by white people all the time and a wall of blacks You're going like I've never gone on like a birthright trip to Boston. Ah, it's no not yet I'm gonna if I'm gonna go with my dad at one point before you Ever gotten dizzy and go to a port-a-potty and think you've been on a birthright trip I don't know much about you know, Bengali, but it's like You're like I'm an American comedian. I'm working They need to see you like on TV or they're gonna think now I'm gonna marry this fuck Yeah, like you're a doctor in Bengali and you'll be like a cab driver in America Like I aren't isn't my status higher isn't no, but like America the the the the foundational ground of like what status is compared to Like I'm not gonna go marry some third-world chick like that's not that's not gonna happen Oh, yeah, I want to lay that's already here. I thought well, it's like be reasonable. Yeah, you ain't never gonna get that Where's your wife Oh after she gets her polio shot she'll be over here. I'm not looking Dude it might be like invest investing in bitch coin You can 10x on your wife Best-case scenario, I would be like no schooling You can start asking the mothership to pay you in goats No schooling wife and I would show her I would I would educate her myself like Instagram reels how like mosquitoes are from like Satan I would just do this fucking house. I would just do the thumb trick. I was gone. I don't know about that. We started living in America. They do so much good magic over there. Yeah, you're fucking up, dude. You gotta go. You gotta go to Straight Village. Go to the motherfucking store. Maybe, maybe. But yeah, they're awesome. Do they know about the JRE in Bangladesh? Hit them with a link, man. Yeah, hit them with the three links. Times they have a good clip, dude. Yeah, even like a Bengalis-American, bro. Like, what are you talking about? Yeah, that hasn't worked out for me. Pretty much, I dated one Hindu girl. That was interesting. But other than that, it's been all white chicks. I read a book. Well, you know. Life hands you lemons. You make lemonade. But yeah, I read a book about older, in India specifically, wedding practices. And that was kind of like, as a young girl, at like 12, your husband would be decided. And they would just be like, you gotta live in their house. And you would just live under your future husband's mother, who would like, kind of haze you, and like, see what you were made of, and bully you. And if you got pregnant with a son, they would finally be like, hey, we love you. We love you, right? If you had a daughter, they would be like, fucking bitch. They would like, hate you. Being a firstborn son in a brown family? Fucking sick. Yeah. Fucking sick, dude. No, dude, they would be like, for real, it'd be like, you were literally worthless. You'd be there, like, Cinderella style, doing chores. And you'd get pregnant. They'd be like, let's see, it was a girl. They'd be like, ugh, you fucking piece of shit. Wow. Yeah. It's like being trans in the South. Get out, I hate you. Yeah, arguably worse. Yeah. Arguably worse. If you're trans in the South, you can go somewhere. If you're just in that situation, you're just stuck with a mother-in-law that hates you. What about the women that are born in those scenarios? Could they like, run away? Is there like, a underground railroad for, like, women, children? Yeah, right into a fucking brothel. Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The end result isn't probably not great at all. Yeah, those are free. No, no way. You're just gonna go right into a fucking, like, you know. There's no, like, Bengali freedom fighters of like, trying to free the women from. Well, I mean, now Bangladesh is way more modern. This is, we're talking about, like, older. Oh, I guess I was talking to you about your book. Yeah, yeah, this was, yeah, this book. The book you said you read. Oh, yeah, no. That was back, that was like, in the early days. I'll say this. My mom is a third of nine brothers and sisters, and she was the last arranged marriage. So like, everything after that was like, more agency and stuff. Oh, really? Is that, do y'all use that dill mills thing? Like, I heard something called dill mill, where it's like, kind of arranged, like. No, that's just, that's just Indian tinder. Is there something where, like, parents are on the act too, though? Well, I'll say this. It's called dill mill? Dill mill is, dill mill is Indian tinder, basically. It's like, it's for desi people. Oh my God, imagine the DMs. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your phone has smoke coming out of it. It's all, it's crazy. All bobs, all the geese. I'm gonna start a car company that just runs on those. Just a hot phone, there's a bunch of horny Indian people. When you're creating your account, and you put in female, it goes, are you sure? Are you ready for this? So dill mill is Indian tinder, and like. I didn't know that. In that, there are a lot of parents, not everyone. There's a, but a fair amount of them are kid, their parents are running the kid's account, trying to find something. What? That's part of it. But you could just be. Because cat fishing people? You could just be, you could just be in there. Oh, so it's parents chatting each other. Sometimes, sometimes. Oh, looking fucking good. Yeah. What are you doing later on? Like, when those pedophile hunters act like children to catch pedophiles, Indian parents. It's like Chris Hansen, by the end you get married. Come over, come over, I ought to be making milk and cookie. Yeah. Sure, it'd be funny to do a Chris Hansen show where there's no age of consent and the guy shows up and you go, "Yeah, here, here you go." You're legally within your right, here you go. I'm still going to read your text messages. Not so horny now, are you? Welcome to catch a husband. Dill mill, I didn't know that was a thing. Well, yeah, but that's still mostly just regular desi people talking to each other. Can you go on dill mill and be like, I know I'm talking to the mother. I'm trying to smash you. I mean, most likely you're talking to the person. That's like, that's, what he's talking about is very rare, but does exist. So it's just like a landline on an app. Yes. What's the word, what is dill mill? Is dill mill short for something like dudes I'd like to milk or? What's the cultural significance of the name? I actually don't know. It's probably something Hindi that I don't really, I don't know Hindi very well or Hindi at all. Yeah, it's not the spice. Dill's not a real prevalent spice. Yeah, and they probably don't call it dill. It probably means something, we could chat GPT it, but I guess we'll just never know. I guess we'll just never know. That'd be really, probably a lot more fun to speculate. Yeah, just make up an answer and we'll go, well, we'll never know. Those kinds of. Heart's meeting. Heart's meeting. Heart's meeting. Heart's. Heart's meeting, the dill mill. Oh, that's nice. Heart's meeting is nice, man. I like that. See, that's what happens when you get the elders involved. They come up with a nice name. Yeah, heart's meeting is Tinder. So what is Tinder? Tinder is what you use to create a fire. Yeah. Yeah. So you've been on the apps forever and you've never once stopped to think what it means. That's crazy. Nope. Not a lot going on up here. Interesting. Now what's soul swipe mean? Hey, Tim, I retain semen, not knowledge. Dr. Zeta, I need back shots from my mind. Actually, I think Grindr is based on what your parents do and you tell them to grind. They mash their teeth. Weep. They mash their teeth and weep. It's what they think you should do and how you should die. Put them in Grindr. Ugh, it's making me sick. Dill mill's kind of the opposite of Grindr, where at Grindr, they'll show you how many feet away you are from somebody. Dill mill, they'll send you people in the UK and they'll sell you people everywhere. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a big, one of the things, one of the preferences, you can state that's pretty high is whether or not you'd be willing to relocate. But I couldn't join Dill mill as a white. You probably could. Hmm. I don't know what brown person would be looking for a white person on Dill mill, it seems. But you can try it. Yeah, you could also go the Trudeau route. He didn't go, Trudeau didn't go blackface, but he also went brownface, kinda. No, he went brownface. Yeah, he went brownface. He was an Indian guy. Yeah, he went Trudeau. He didn't do blackface, he did brownface. What about rebooting Soul Man? He did, but as a, as brownface. Soul Man. Remember that movie? That's the one where he does blackfacing at Harvard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he learns what it's like to be a black guy? I'd have to think about that. I wouldn't think about that. The speech at the end is great. I can't weigh in on that just yet. I'm not asking you to fund it. Matt, how about you executive produce? I'm tied up right now. I have a movie I wanna make. I'm gonna do, you know, Nollywood, Nigerian Hollywood? You can make a movie for like, 15 grand. So I wanna write a movie and then have, I just write the script and have people in Nigeria just film, star, the whole thing. And I'm just gonna put it out on my YouTube. That'd be pretty sick. Just like a really wild soap. So wait, you would have them star in it? Yeah, I'm not going all the way over there. So I would just have- Just put it up on Fiverr or something? I would send LaMare. LaMare would be the star of my Nollywood. They would carry him around in Nigeria. He'd be a Nollywood star. He'd be the pig that gives us someone's wife. Wow. Wow. You marry my daughter, you get one LaMare. New York born, Austin, zero. Woo! You're born. Woo! Woo! You guys really don't mess around up there, do you? Everywhere we go is like the cellar table. You never know where the bullet's gonna fly. You guys really are a different breed up there. Well, hot damn, I think we made it to an hour. You guys, I knew this would be such a fun time. This was so fun. Such a fun time. This is great. You guys fucking ruled. I'm grateful I got to sit and see. We're gonna do the Patreon next, so if you guys wanna stick, stick. If you guys wanna leave, totally fine. I'm here. I'd love to. LaMare, go ahead and drop the pig blood on Ian, please. Real quick, hurry up. Running out of time? Are you gonna roll right into it or can I grab a spoon? I'm gonna pee, yeah. Take your time. I'm gonna take a pee. We'll take a little break. We'll head into the Patreon. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Yeah, thanks so much. Watch new episodes of Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast on Spotify. Do it. Ulcerative colitis and Crohn's disease symptoms? Don't pause for the moments that matter. That's why understanding your treatment options matters. Discover what's possible with Trimfiya. Guselcumab. Trimfiya is a prescription medicine used to treat adults with moderately to severely active Crohn's disease and adults with moderately to severely active ulcerative colitis. Serious allergic reactions, increased risk of infections, or lower ability to fight them and liver problems may occur. Before treatment, get checked for infections and tuberculosis. Tell your doctor if you have an infection, flu-like symptoms, or need a vaccine. Talk to your doctor and explore what's possible or call 1-800-526-7736 to learn more about Trimfiya and visit TrimfiyaRadio.com. Coca-Cola, for the big, for the small, the short and the tall, peacemakers, risk-takers, for the optimist, pessimists, for long-distance. distance loathe. For introverts and extroverts, the thinkers and the doers. For old friends and new. Coca-Cola for everyone. Pick up some Coca-Cola at a store near you.