EP #58- Lessons Learned: Dating in NYC with Ariana Nathani, Host of Drinks First

(gentle music) - People are really afraid of commitment, but people are also really, really afraid of rejection. And because rejection exists, and that means like you get hurt, people don't wanna be vulnerable. So it's this weird mindset in which we are protecting ourselves in every aspect of day-day. - Welcome back to another episode of Everyday Endorphins. This week I am so excited to have Ariana Naphanny onto the podcast. She is a fellow native New Yorker and also a podcast host of the show called Drinks First, which is a dating podcast where she interviews people on relationships, dating in New York, and she also has a really cool aspect to the her interviews where she'll bring on anonymous guests. And basically allows for these people to kind of share their dating lives and their stories and you can apply to matchmate with them, which is pretty cool. And in this interview, Ariana and I talk all about the lessons learned dating in New York City, and some of the lessons that she's learned by having her own podcast around dating. We get into this desire for meeting people in real life, the differences between using dating apps versus meeting people organically, some of the insights that she got from her podcast and how the dating scene looks like for our generation and the types of vernacular and terminology that we use when it comes to dating people and seeing others. And Ariana shares a lot of really valuable insight around how our relationships really impact our mental health, what to do when a relationship is draining you, when to know when to cut things off, when things are really starting to impact your mental health. It's just so fun getting to have these conversations around navigating a completely different dating scene than maybe what we were used to in college and before entering the working world. So I'm gonna let you guys get into it before I give too much away from our wonderful interview, but before we do so, I have a brief message from my sponsor, Inker. - Hi, Ariana, thank you so much for coming on to the podcast. - Yeah, I'm super excited to be here. Thanks for having me. - I wanna anchor this intro by telling my listeners how we kind of remet each other, which is crazy. And I think it's just a product of growing up in New York City where you make these random connections that you kind of forget about when, as you get older, and then you end up reconnecting, but long story short, your TikTok came up on my free page. So the algorithm knows what it's doing. (laughs) And I was like, this girl sounds so familiar. Like you look familiar and your name was so familiar. So I like found out that we were Facebook friends, which is hilarious. And then the rest is history, like after DMing you, I was like, I swear I'm not a stalker, but I know you. - I know, it was so funny, 'cause I gave you my number and you were like, I already have this. (laughs) - Like how odd is that? Like I, and then we had to figure out how we ended up knowing each other. - Honestly, the dance class that we were in was probably around the time I was in middle school. So that's like, when I got my number anyway. (laughs) - Exactly, it was, that was middle school for me also. So it all, the timelines make sense. We've now cracked the code, but aside from this really interesting origin story of how we've met, I am so thrilled to have you on the podcast. You know, I'd love to start out by you sharing a little bit about who you are. Obviously, we know you're from New York City and how you got into drinks first, how you got into the whole podcasting scene. - Yeah, so hi, I'm Ariana Nathani. I am 25 years old, born and raised in New York City. Like you said, that's how we know each other. I have a podcast called Drinks First. It is a dating podcast based in New York City. So I interview anonymous singles and my listeners can match with them. So there's some like level of matchmaking. I don't call myself a matchmaker because I don't like go to a specific person and say, hey, you would be really good with this person. I just vet everybody who comes on my podcast. And if I think they're a good eligible single, then I put them on and then it's up to the listeners to decide whether or not they want to make a connection with my guests that week. And then I also throw events that are related to dating in New York City that sort of started happening last year. So I'm very picky about where I throw events, but you are guaranteed to meet like cool, attractive, single people, whether it's in a platonic manner or it's in a romantic manner. They happen all over the city. So I've had them at So House, at Short Stories, Georgia Room, there's one coming up at the Jane. So if you're based in New York City, I would love to see you at any of my events. But that is my night job. During the day, I am a full time digital experience designer. So much like you, I have my daytime hustle and my nighttime hustle. You know, we're just girl-bossing closes on. (laughs) - I mean, it's difficult. It's really hard to manage both. And I want to get into that a little bit later because I'm very curious to hear what that like secret sauces for you because it is difficult. But something that I love around what you're doing with your podcast is, well, first of all, like the cover art on your episodes, it doesn't really show the features of the people that you have. Like it's completely anonymous and you're only listening to the person's voice and to what they have to share, which is so cool. Like I feel like when people are going on dates, especially on dating apps, like you're swiping based off of looks. I mean, do you want to talk a little bit more about, you know, how you decided to create this and not like anonymous dating experience? - Yeah, absolutely. So you hit the nail on the head. It's like very much audio-based. That's why it's a podcast. And you had asked earlier how I kind of came up with the idea. So when I graduated college, I went to school in Pittsburgh at Carnegie Mellon. I moved back to the city, started my job. And I had a lot of relatively free time. I think you go from being in college and working all the time to then like working a nine to five job, your job, like my job ended at five. So I think my mom was like fine to hobby. And I think she thought I would like start working out. And so I was like, I don't want to start by guys about dating. I was just like, okay. And that came from just listening to my community, like my friends, whether they were my friends from growing up in the city or ones that had moved from college, it was the same conversation. It was, dating is really tough. And why can't I meet somebody good? Why am I getting ghosted? I'm so tired of dating apps. And that was now like two years ago. I think the same conversations are still being had now. - That narrative has definitely stuck very much so. - Yeah. - Exactly. And at the time I was listening to a lot of dating podcasts. So I thought this is a really, like I think I have a really good idea, which is all of my friends are super like, they're high achieving, they're smart, they are ambitious, attractive, like funny. Like I have some, I have friends with really great qualities. And I'm sure that you must have friends with a lot of the same great qualities. And you know, whoever's listening also might have these same great qualities. Why is it so hard to meet someone? And I think the systems just broken. I don't think dating apps are really meant for you to meet people, like that you would actually necessarily get along with. I think it's a great tool to meet people outside of your immediate bubble, but that's basically where it ends. - Right. The thing with dating apps is like, you know, yes, I'm on them, but I don't even have notifications because I don't want to waste my time swiping because I find that, you know, I'm usually swiping left because I just don't, like, it's so hard to judge someone based off their profile. And then I think, well, I'm probably like swiping left or exing out on a lot of profiles where if I had met this person, like actually in real life, and had a conversation with them and actually got to know them and like, you know, saw them in person. Maybe there would have been some sort of chemistry or element of connection that you just, you don't get on a dating app because it feels so transactional. So then you get into that thought pattern where you're like, okay, I'm not gonna find anyone. And you're like, you know, being from New York, I have my friends here. I don't feel so incentivized to really branch out, which I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, but then the circles start to feel small and there's like, well, there's no options. But to your point, we both have friends that are amazing and awesome and everyone has a friend. So in theory, it should be easier to meet people, but it just doesn't feel that way. - Yeah, exactly. And so I think one of the issues with dating apps is that they are so visual. Like you said, swiping happens in like two seconds, you make a judgment on somebody's profile. And I mean, I do it. I do it every single day. But I, like, you just really don't know what your chemistry would be like with that person, had you met in person. And that's why Drinks First aims to give like a little more. more of an unbiased opinion on somebody, you don't really know much beyond what they have to share. And I let my guests share as much as they like. So they can say, as detailed as I am six foot two and have brown hair and went to Harvard and work at Bain, like they can do that if they want, or they can say I am, they don't even have to say their height, they can say I'm tall and I went to school in the Northeast and I work in consulting. - A small school in Boston. - Just a small school in Boston. - Yeah, I think that's like great to have the guests, you know, have it up to their discretion, how much they want to share. - Yeah, so it's just sort of giving people a chance to create their own narrative and then letting the listeners judge whether or not that's something they're interested in. Because it's like if you are listening to someone talk about themselves for 45 minutes, I would imagine at that point, if you're still interested, go on a date with that person. - Right, I mean, voices are also really intimate. If you're kind of taking away that element of sight, like that sensory experience and you're just listening to what someone has to say, it's kind of exciting in a way. 'Cause you can, you may, it's kind of like when you read a book and you have this perception of the characters, but then you watch the movie and you're just completely taken aback or surprised, either in a good or bad way. That's kind of like the vibe that I'm getting from what you're doing. - Yeah, and even beyond the podcast, like branching out into events has been really great because I think people want the spaces in which they can like organically meet somebody. That's the desire for most people. It's like I wanna meet somebody in real life. That is so much harder than we anticipate because we're so socialized now to be on our phones. People don't necessarily like go and sit at a bar alone and if they do, they're not always approached because that's just not how we socialize anymore. And if you go in a group of friends, it's even more intimidating. To for like, let's say you go with a group of your girlfriends to a bar, it's gonna be so much harder for a one guy to like permeate that group. So with the drinks first events, you're kind of already under the umbrella of, this is a dating event. This is like something to do with like meeting singles, but it's not as cringy as saying like, this is a mixer or this is like exactly what it is. It's just like part of the brand. Seeing people connect in person has been really, really rewarding as well. Just because like the podcast isn't perfect, but knowing that they have this similar community that it's like, okay, I listen to this podcast or I know this person. And I think that's really the key to it all, which is like the best way to be people is through friends of friends because you have similar values. - Yes, I totally agree with that. And it makes for a fun story too. And it also feels more organic when you're like, oh yeah, we met through a mutual friend. Like you feel like you can trust that this might work out or that this is like, might be a good match for you, this person, because you share the same friend and you both are friends with that person for probably similar reasons. So it's like a green flag. And I love the name drinks first. I wanted to ask, is that your mantra, like that's the first day is getting a drink? Is that the safest bet? - Well, honestly, yeah, I'm gonna give the credit to my friend who actually came up with the name because when I was thinking about the podcast, I was like, it needs to be something short, it needs to be something catchy. And I really didn't want to make it like either to New York City Centric or to dating Centric because I didn't know what form this might take in the future. And so yeah, drinks first, that's usually what you do on a first date and it's pretty foolproof. Unless the drink doesn't have to be alcohol, you can go for a coffee, you can do whatever, but it's low stakes. You don't have to stay any longer than you want to. And if you're having a good time, it can go further. So yeah, drinks first. - Yeah, I like that. Drinks first is a good idea, especially like, I think we always assume, yeah, we have to go get an alcoholic drink, but it's difficult. Being in New York, especially Postgrad, everything is centered around eating and drinking, usually alcohol. And it's very difficult when you're trying to do your full time job and have your side hustle and have a social life and take care of yourself when there's such a pressure. Everything is so focused around alcohol and going out to eat and it's hard to balance both of that. So a question that I had is if you are going on like a first date with someone and you're getting drinks, how do you approach a conversation around not necessarily getting an alcoholic drink? 'Cause I feel like it also is kind of like this social lubricant and maybe makes the first date more fun, but what if you're looking to limit your alcohol consumption or if you're really health conscious and you just don't want to drink that night, how do you approach that conversation and say, either like let's get a coffee or having that confidence to actually not order an alcoholic drink at the date? - Yeah, I mean, I think it's funny in New York is that conundrum of that triangle where it's like pick three and it's like sleep, a social life and a good career or like pick two out of the three. Like that's kind of, unfortunately the balancing act, I think that we all go through and definitely post grad. You're just kind of like so much is about alcohol and going out and eating and even so most of my social life is that when you're approaching a first date with somebody, if you don't feel like you want to drink, say that off the bat. Like I've had guys who are sober who I've said, hey, do you want to grab a drink? They'll say, I'm sober, you know, but I don't mind being in the bar with you if you want to get a drink or in that case, you can pivot and say, hey, I'm not really looking to drink tonight, would you want to get a coffee, would you want to go get ice cream? You know, there are other options. You just have to be firm and kind of like your own convictions. And if you are really health conscious and you're going someplace for a drink, you can decide to get a cocktail, you can decide to get like a more low calorie drink like a soda and like a vodka soda and sort of a cocktail. You know, it's really a personal decision and if somebody's going to judge you for not drinking and that's something you care about, then like you shouldn't be with that person. - Right, then it's a red flag. And I think that's so great that you just shared like different alternatives because I think, especially when we're dating, we can feel like we're kind of pigeonholed and like, you know, it's expected that you're going to go to get an alcohol drink on your first date, but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. So thank you for sharing those different options that you can exercise. And I want to kind of go back to this difference in dating culture that you were talking about a bit earlier. Our generation is socialized differently than maybe our parents' generation. And I think there's different terminology now that we use. Like we have a different vernacular around what it means to start seeing someone. And I really would love to hear, I'm sure there's been tons of lessons that you've learned through just being the host of your own podcast around dating and listening to other people's dating experiences. You know, I would love for you to share just some of the insights that you've gained throughout having those conversations on like, what the dating scene really does look like in New York and, you know, aside from New York, just in general, like our generation, like what does it mean to date someone? Because I think there's so many different definitions out there. It can be so hard to keep track of all of them. - Yeah, I think people have a lot of different ways of saying essentially the same thing. Like you can say, oh, I'm hooking up with someone. What does that mean? Like, oh, I hooked up with someone. Hooked up in high school and meant that like you made out with that person, hooking up in college meant that you had sex with that person. Like, you know, definitions change over time. I think what I realized as an adult, and this is something I kind of realized in the past. Like, since graduating college, you can say you're dating someone if you're going on dates with them. You know what I'm saying? Like, if I'm going on like three dates with you, I don't have an issue saying that like, yeah, we dated because that's true. We went on dates. That's the act of dating. I think a lot of people conflate dating with like being in a relationship. It's not the same thing. Like you can be dating multiple people at one time. Being in a relationship, in my opinion, is a very different thing. So I think guys shy away from the hearing the word, like in a heterosexual relationship in my knowledge, like men tend to shy away from the word dating. Like, oh, I'm not, we're not dating. Oh, I'm just casually seeing this person. Yeah, no. But you know, I totally agree with you because at that point, like what is the difference between going on two, three, four, five, six dates, you know, every week seeing a person and then just saying that you're dating them. Like that is what's happening in practice. And I think guys in particular, like you said, like I think they're scared because they think, oh, well, if I'm dating this person, that means I'm committing to them. And what's the difference between what you're already doing versus like some scary commitment? I think people just act out of fear so often. I think honestly our generation and just in my experience talking to people Bye. going on dates, like one, people are really afraid of commitment, but people are also really, really afraid of rejection. And because rejection exists, and that means like you get hurt, people don't want to be vulnerable. So it's this weird mindset in which we are protecting ourselves in every aspect of dating. And when you find somebody who's vulnerable with you, you tend to like either somebody's like initial reaction would be to close off because it's like, oh my god, no, this is too much. Like I don't want to be responsible for this person's emotions, or if you're the one being vulnerable or like protecting your emotions, you're like, I don't want to get hurt. And so it sucks because I think like going on dates with somebody, saying you're dating somebody, if that triggers someone into like having a negative reaction to hearing that, it's probably because they have their own like personal issues to have to deal with. It's super bizarre the way that we socialize and like verbalize our relationships these days. It is. It's a difficult topic to discuss because also everyone's experience is also so unique to them. You know, it's very hard to generalize because people bring their own baggage to specific situations. And so like you said, the nature of those experiences are then different because people are bringing their own life moments and fears and prior histories to the table which will inherently change the conversation. And you know, once you're kind of consistently dating someone, my question is, I don't know if you've heard from any of your guests, but how did they see those dates then evolve into a relationship? Like what was the bridge that took them from consistently dating to then, okay, we're going to be in a relationship? I mean, this is such a simple answer and I don't think this is like necessarily what people want to hear all the time. But if it's easy, then that's probably when you will like continue to be in a relationship. If you are fighting somebody or you are like holding yourself back and trying not to do certain things, trying not to say certain things, trying not to mess things up just because you want to date somebody and you want to be in a relationship with them, it's not going to work. Once you're yourself and you feel that person is also being themselves with you and there's no like push and pull. If you feel comfortable talking about your relationship and figuring out if it's the right time to take it to the next level, then that's probably how it's going to happen. Like you're not going to trap anybody into dating you. Like it's just not going to work that way. So it's as simple as it being just like feeling right and feeling easy. And I think unfortunately that doesn't happen for a lot of people all the time. And so it gets frustrating. Yeah, totally. I mean, your answer reminds me of when I had Lindsay Mezzler on my podcast last year and she, her whole thing is, well, if you're confused, then it's not it. And it sounds so simple. And I think people will take that advice and then kind of, like they'll take that advice and then mold it to their own situations and be like, well, like, they'll like rationalize or justify their confusion to fit their narrative. But the advice is so critical. Really, like what you've said is just a different way of expressing that. Because if if things feel like there's friction or there's tension or you're trying so hard to make it work, that's just not the right sign. And I think it kind of also reminds me of this Buddhist principle around non-attachment, like really finding the value and just letting things go. It's so much easier said than done. But, you know, I found the best things that have happened in my life have been, when I haven't been kind of like actively trying to control the situation. Like they just really do seamlessly fall into place. And I'm not even talking about like dating, relationships, anything, just anything in general, really. Like when it's thing, you allow things to naturally evolve, then they just kind of work out. Yeah, I mean, that's exactly what I was going to say. This is not only pertaining to dating. If you feel friction in your job, you feel friction in a friendship. If those things aren't serving you in the ways that you need them to and you're pushing and pulling really, really hard to make things work, then maybe it's not necessarily worth making it work. And my whole thing is like once your mental health starts getting affected by the actions of somebody else or something else, that's when you need to take a step back and actually reassess. I'm really glad you bring in like this mental health aspect to terror conversation because, as you know, and as my listeners know, this podcast that I'm doing is really focused on our health and well-being and redefining what it means to be happy and finding ways to bring joy and happiness in your day-to-day life. And, you know, the reason I find talking about like dating and relationships so fascinating is because our mood in our mental state can drastically shift depending on like the status or the nature of how a relationship is developing, you know, specifically something that's more intimate or romantic. And, you know, I can think back in college and I think I can think about the semesters where I was like super happy and excited because things felt like they were quote unquote going well, but I was just being like let on. And then like the semesters where it was like horrible and I was sad all the time because I had these expectations of people that just I they couldn't meet like, you know, these narratives I'd built in my head. And so I think we kind of underestimate like how impactful relationships and our dating lives like really do affect our mental health and you know, just as we're talking about dating is hard dating in New York is challenging as a podcast host on dating and people's experiences. Have you felt like your own experiences have been like validated or just through having those conversations? Have you felt like your own experiences had like you've been able to gain more clarity on like your own dating experiences? Yeah, I mean of course, I think talking to people about anything like gathering kind of like field research in a way is really it's eye-opening and it helps you view things from a lot of different perspectives and it also like it helps me approach things within more open mind and sometimes I have to remind myself whether it's in dating or with my friendships or in my job like that I need to be maybe more communicative about the way that I feel about things. If I feel like there's conflict that maybe I should address it and try and resolve it as opposed to like moving away from it. You know, there are a lot of things that you learn talking about the most intimate parts and feelings of somebody's life which is dating and relationships because that's really where we're most vulnerable that you can use to apply to other parts of your life. And my yeah, my experiences have been validated. My experiences have been corroborated. Like I have had crazy experiences in my life and I have seen people have even crazier experiences. Like there's always a story. There's always something that's like there's you know, for what it's worth. Like in this current moment of like pop culture, lexicon, like there's this whole movement on TikTok right now. Like if you've been on TikTok in the past 24 hours about this one boy who has matched with all of New York City essentially. And look, I have been on TikTok but I'm not on that side which is surprising. Like I have not heard about this story. There's this guy trending West Elm Caleb. And if it's not on your TikTok yet, it will be immediately because it's very New York City related. But the hashtag West Elm Caleb has gathered over two million views in one night. It's like completely going viral. And this guy matched with a bunch of girls on Bumble and Hinge and was you know, ghosting them, lying to them, manipulating them in certain ways, love bombing. And all of this was found out because a girl made a TikTok making a joke about New York City dating and how she dated this guy named Caleb who was tall and he ghosted her. And all of the comments were like, is this West Elm Caleb? Because Caleb works out West Elm. The funny thing was that girl's original TikTok was not about West Elm Caleb. But she made another TikTok that was like so many girls commented about this guy Caleb who works at West Elm. And this is what I've gathered. And then more and more and more girls came forward being like, oh my god, I matched with him. He ghosted me. He sent me unsolicited dick picks. He told me he deleted Hinge when he actually didn't. He sent me a playlist. Like, but that playlist was sent to four other girls, but they just changed the title of the playlist. The funny thing about it all is that I matched with West Elm Caleb. And I was talking to him. So I'm sitting here watching this unravel on TikTok. Like, this guy I was talking to like maybe three weeks ago, not even like two weeks ago. We matched like back in thanks during Thanksgiving. I mean, it's crazy because people will do like the craziest things. Honestly, like, this is just disturbing to hear. In the past 24 hours, now there are articles being written about this man. There are people on West Elms Instagram and TikTok being like, "Are you gonna comment about West Elm Caleb?" Like, you have to fire West Elm Caleb. Like, from a handful of women's experiences, kind of trauma bonding over this like bad dating app experience, to completely like people are posting pictures of his dating profile, like people are talking about the moods that they sent him. They're going after his career. Like, that's really scary. Like, the TikTok mob is terrifying. And I don't agree with any of the things this guy did. Like, he ghosted me. He sent me unsolicited dick pics. Like, he did things that, you know, you probably shouldn't do. But, you know, I kind of brushed it off and I was like, "I've been through the ranger with like dating." Like, that's, it's my job. So when things like this happen, I kind of like, okay, whatever. That sucks. But the fact that so many women, like, I don't even know how he had time to do his job when he was like talking to so many women. It's like, honestly, kind of impressive. It's exhausting. I'm sure, you know, it's like, but I don't agree with the fact that like, he should get fired from his job. Like, just because you're ghosting women doesn't mean people need to like put you on blast for like where you work. Like, where you lose your income overnight. Like, I don't know. It's pretty, it's pretty like terrifying. But I do agree that women should be able to like talk about their experiences, especially when it comes to safeguarding their both their physical and emotional energy. So it's a weird situation. It's a weird one. It's also like, weirdly, be a part of it. Yeah, I can, I can't imagine. I mean, it's also so random too. I mean, the fact that it's happened so recently and it blew up overnight. But aside from like the crazy things that we can see on TikTok and just the crazy stories around people like getting ghosted or catfished and, you know, a friend recently was telling me that he's like, now pretty sure that he got catfished by someone, she was like, okay, this is really sauce. But aside from like all the extreme crazy stuff that can happen in dating, I think, you know, going back to the conversation on just navigating the dating scene post grad and like living in New York and being a young adult. I think there's not a lot even talked about having, you know, people who are in their mid 20s, like early to mid 20s, not even ever been in a relationship ever in their life. Like, I know at least for me, never dated anyone in high school, didn't date seriously date or ever being a relationship with anyone in college, like, been single for my entire life. And I think that there is just a lack of conversation going on around people like me. I'm not trying to make this about myself, but I'm also, I'm using myself as an example. Like, there are so many people like you, like, there are so many people. I also thought that I would be one of those people like it wasn't until my junior year of college when I studied abroad. It wasn't until I left the country that I like everything's better outside of America. I know literally when I had my first relationship and it's something that I kind of, you know, wasn't looking for and I just fell into and I thought for the longest time, I would also be that girl who was never in a relationship. Who that was, it just wasn't going to happen. I have so many friends who have never been in a relationship who, you know, have hooked up with people who have had like situationships, but can't ever really say that they've been in a relationship. It is so normal. It I think at this like mid 20s, it is so normal. I think we look at our historical timelines with how people like have been in relationships in the past. And it was normal for people to get married and have kids by the time they were 30. That's not normal anymore, especially in New York City. And I think that's like really key because in New York, there's an emphasis on building a career, finding success for yourself. That those don't happen like all the time simultaneously with dating and growing a family and things like that. So I think more and more being like a single woman in New York City. And there are a lot of us. There are more than us than there are single men, which I wonder why I wonder why it just makes it makes the dating pool really hard in New York because I think the women in New York are a specific, big breed. They're very like career oriented. They're very ambitious. The a lot of women are very fashionable and health conscious and have hobbies and passions and things that they want to pursue. And they want a partner who has all of those things as well. And so the bar is really, really, really high. And when somebody like a West Elm Caleb comes along who is 25 and 64 and works at a pool company, like seems like he had like dresses well. Like you want all these things. You see this and you're like, this is a person that I, like I deserve. I deserve this kind of person, right? Somebody who works hard, who takes care of themselves, who has ambition. And in reality, that pool of people is very small. Not to say like, I don't want it to scare any one. But and I don't think people necessarily need to compromise in their values. I just think it's like be a little more open-minded to the kinds of people that you would want to date. You know, like if you are tall and you want to date somebody who is like six foot two or taller, like maybe open your mind a little bit more as somebody who's like five, ten would be great. You know, right? Exactly. I think it's about having an open mind, but also like not beating up on yourself for not being in a relationship. You know, it can be hard when maybe all your friends are dating and you're like, okay, I'm the only single one. Like maybe that can feel lonely or isolating or you feel like, oh, well, why am I not on their timeline? But you know, there's that famous quote out there that comparison is the thief of joy. And I truly believe that because when you then start to put all your energy and your focus on other people and like what they're doing and what their businesses. Then you can kind of feel like, shit, if you're not matching up to that. And it's difficult now in this decade in particular because people are all over the place. Like I have friends that are getting married, like not like in their early 20s, but maybe 25, 26, which still feels young to me because I think about what I want to accomplish by then. And I just I can't even conceptualize like, no, I'm person that I would like to know. Nobody's getting married. We're not getting married. So there, you know, there are people like that, but then there's also, you know, people like you and I that are just not even thinking about that right now. And it's just it's difficult. This is a weird decade for sure. And we have to like, it is really fine. If your goal, your ultimate goal in life is to be in a relationship and have a family, then by all means make that happen for yourself. But if you have other things that you want to accomplish, there is no shame in letting yourself do those things. People have different goals. They have different wants and they have different needs. I'm there are people who look at single people, like people in relationships who look at single people and say, I wish I had that. You know, the grass is always greener. Like you said, comparison is the thief of joy. There is no issue if you are not on the perceived timeline of what life is supposed to look like. And one thing I found really interesting was I, I like, up to move to Barcelona for two months last year, just because I could. It says working remotely. And relationships there are very different. People don't get married until they're like men don't start settling down until they're like mid 30s. And we want to see and it's similar for women. Like they not until their 30s do they like consider actually getting married or settling down or having a family. And even if they are in relationships in Barcelona, particularly I saw that the idea of a relationship wasn't necessarily like our idea of monogamy now. And I went to Vienna and my time there and they I met some friends and they were telling me that it's totally normal for people to have kids before they get married. So our idea of relationships and relationship structures are very like one sided like horse blinders on like there are different things that work for different people. And I think culturally we're just adjusted to one idea and that is not necessarily like true North. So really good point and I'm glad that you brought that up because we are so like laser focused on what dating is supposed to look like and how it's portrayed in like the media, for example, especially like in America. And then we forget that like dating culture and relationship culture structure all of that is. different in Europe and other parts of the world. Even the way people engage with each other, like when they're going through the dating process, like the way people I guess like court you, I think is so different, not in America, like just in other places. So I think it's to your point, like it's good to have a broader perspective and not feel super laser focused on what's happening here necessarily. And don't let that discourage you too, because there's no point in feeling down about something that's not universal. Like these things are just not universal. Yeah, exactly. And like I'm Indian and in India, it's totally normal to have things like arranged marriages, like most of my first cousins are in arranged marriages and that's like has a higher success rate than love marriage. Like it's not out of the question, you know, for your mom or somebody in your family to introduce you to someone. Like as mortifying as that might sound like even for me, there are times my mom will bring it up and like, mom, no, like it's normal. Like the way that relationships build and are formed are normal in different cultures. So don't be too hard on yourself if you've never been in a relationship and you're 25, you know? Like it doesn't matter. You'll things will happen for you when they're meant to happen for you. And when you look back on your life, 25 is still so young. So there's always tons of time. We're so, you know, but I love that you brought up the like Indian matchmaking thing because I don't know if you've seen the Netflix show. I thought that show was hilarious. Did you like, did you kind of resonate with it? I mean, I thought it was pretty funny. It's definitely, it's over dramatized, like how that happens and like the way that, you know, they they're trying to create a storyline. It's a Netflix show. But right, of course, media is always going to kind of put their own spin on things that just happen in the world now. Yeah. And like what I've seen with my own family is like, okay, like you hear about this person maybe and you go on a few dates. It doesn't happen immediately. And it's like you know, if you get along then like, and the families get along then maybe it's worth considering marriage because in India, marriage is not just between the two people. It's between two families. And so that's like, it's again, going back to other cultures like being in relationships have different meanings and different ways of manifesting themselves and being important in your life. So there's nothing to worry about. If like you feel like you're not on track because there's no such thing as a correct track. Yeah, totally. And you know, it's a good reminder to have, for sure, because I've seen it, you know, a lot also with my friends too. It's like this pressure and stress. And I think we also tend to just create so much unnecessary stress in our lives because of the feeling of missing out on something or the feeling of not, you know, living the life that you necessarily envision for yourself. But again, it's a reminder to just take things one day at a time. You know, compare yourself against yourself and no one else, like just be present in the moment that you're living in, which is of course way easier said than done. But that's why there's so many amazing tools like practicing mindfulness or just doing things that bring you a bit of happiness every day to like refocus your attention on the better things to feel, you know, like you can get yourself out of that rut and to not feel like you're dating life sucks if that's like how you feel or however you feel about your dating and relationship life. But on that tangent around happiness and well-being, one question that I ask every guest that comes onto the podcast is what is something that brings you a bit of endorphins? There are a lot of things. I think in like relation to my podcast, like providing people like a way to connect with one another brings me a lot of joy, which is why I do what I do both in my like everyday job and in my like side hustle. I mean something like more physical and tangible that gives me joy is like eating good food. I think that's like it's restaurant week now. So you know I'm about to take advantage of all of that. I'm like a huge foodie like going out to eat and having a really good meal like truly feeds my soul, especially if I get to share that with like somebody who appreciates it as much as I do. So I mean one nebulous one more tangible but like there's a lot of things that bring me joy. Well that's great to hear because there's just tons of endorphins running through your system all the time. And that's the way that we should be living life is just full you know focusing on the positive things, focusing on the things that can turn your mood around because it's shocking how just one comment or one thing in your day can really turn it around completely and change your mood. It possibly even change your life. You know you never know what can happen in this world. So it's just important to stay focused on those things. Totally. And I think it's like specifically in New York and when it comes to dating it's really like like you said back to comparison is the thief of joy. I think a lot of our issue now is thinking that there's something better like out there that you're constantly you're constantly swiping for either validation or the next best thing. And sometimes you just really need to enjoy the moment you're in whether that means you're alone become comfortable with being alone, being single, enjoy that. Rebel and being single, being able to meet people, being able to do things on your own time with your own choice without having to think about anyone else but yourself. And like if it's meant to be it's meant to be you'll be you'll find somebody when you're ready. But at the same time I think the notion of when you're looking for it it'll come. It's not always true. Like you do need to in a city like New York you do need to put yourself out there. So I would say like make an effort to meet people. Go say yes to the thing that your friend invited you to. Go try and commit yourself to going on like one date with a new person every two weeks if that's like something that you want to incorporate into your daily routine. It's really not that hard to make kind of those small changes and chase the thing you want if that is a relationship. But just like don't kill yourself over it. Yeah well you know that's great advice to land on Ariana and where can my listeners follow you find your podcast, stay up to date with everything that is going on in your life. Yeah sure. So you can find my podcast drinks first on every podcast listening platform. So Spotify, Apple, whatever you might listen to. You can find it on Instagram at drinks. First on Instagram. I post most of the events that we do there as well. So that's the best place to go to keep up with kind of what's going on with the podcast. Event wise, guest wise and also we post date ideas and and other recommendations about New York City lifestyle. So even if you're not single it's still a fun thing to look at. And personally you can find me on Instagram and TikTok at ariana.neththawney. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure having you as a guest. Yeah thank you so much for having me. This was a lot of fun. Thank you for listening and remember to like, rate and review this podcast on whichever listening platform you prefer. Don't forget to keep spreading endorphins and find things that bring you endorphins every day. See you next time.