EP. 55: Are you thriving or surviving with ADHD?

Hello and welcome to the EDHD with Jennifer podcast. Today we are talking about what does it really mean to be in survival mode versus to be regulated? What's happening in the body when we're in these two different states? What can you expect about your capacity and your function? What does it feel like? And how does it affect ADHD specifically? I do talk a lot about being in fight or flight, being dysregulated, but we think a little bit less about what is the difference once I get out of that state. This episode is brought to you by my upcoming free workshop all about ADHD and regulation. This is going to be happening on April Wednesday 29th at 5 p.m. mountain time. So if this is something you're interested in learning more about, we're going to be diving deeper on this free workshop and you can get your spot in the show notes. So today we're just really diving into what is it like when survival mode is turned on versus turned off because we do know being dysregulated, being in this fight or flight state is not a mindset, it's not a character flaw. It is biological. You are not choosing it. You don't have control over it. At least you don't have control over getting here. We do have a lot of control over where we go next. Whether we're in fight or flight or not, the body and brain are functioning from a different operating system. It is so wildly different that we need to know the signs. That is first and foremost is to always remember this is not your fault. It is not a failure to be in fight or flight or survival mode. It is actually really normal. Even when I talk to people about ADHD and regulation, people say, "Well, is it everybody dysregulated? Is it everyone in survival mode?" Yeah. Majority of people probably are. It is "normal" maybe not normal, but it is common, but that doesn't mean we have to stay there. That doesn't mean it's not worth getting out. It's just really, really typical to be in survival mode. We don't need to feel bad about it whatsoever, but we can be aware of the downfall being in survival mode to get us really ready to do that work to get out of it. When we are in survival mode, what is happening in the body? Firstly, your nervous system reads the environment is threatening. Then when nothing is actually dangerous, so your nervous system is a very primal part of you. When your system is getting signals of any stress, rushing, intensity, it's going to be computing that as danger, life threatening danger. I need to get away right now. I am not safe. Of course, your body is really, really brilliant. It is going to put your survival over everything else because, of course, if the bear does get you, nothing else matters. But that has to be the most important thing. When we are in this state, that nervous system is going to be extra sensitive to any sort of stress and perceive that as danger, which is then going to have you subconsciously and nervous system wise put your safety above everything else. It is going to put it above long-term goals. It is going to put it above what's good for you. It is going to put it above even things you want to do, like hobbies and fun things, as preserving my energy, keeping myself safe is more important than enjoyment. It's more important than productivity. It's just where we get really stuck. What's also happening in the body is we have stress hormones pumping. They're elevated and they're often chronically high, like cortisol and adrenaline. So that is also triggering a lot of stuff biologically that you have no control over. This is all happening at a level way below your conscious thinking. The brain is in protection mode, so the amygdala, the threat detection part, is running the show again. Top priority, keep me safe, so that's the part of the brain that's going to be functioning at the highest level. Also our prefrontal cortex, this is the part that makes us able to plan, make decisions, have reasoning and logic. That goes partially offline and you actually get blood flow leaving that part of your brain. So when we talk about ADHD, we're always blaming executive functioning. That's why I'm so hard, that's why I'm in fight or flight even. People will say, "Oh, that's why I'm dysregulated," except such low executive functioning. But when we're in fight or flight, it lowers executive functioning. Biologically, blood flow is leaving that part of the brain. So it's just really interesting to see, right? Is it the chicken or the egg? Why am I struggling here? Your heart rate is going to be elevated. Your muscles are going to be tense. Your digestion is going to be slowed again when your body's in fight or flight. Blood flow leaves the digestive system. So that blood flow and energy is going to your body to be able to fight, flee, freeze, do what it needs to do to survive. So digestion is less of a priority. I will say, when I was most dysregulated, I had real digestive problems for many, many, many years. That has really resolved with this work, which is so interesting. Now, it really is like a domino effect when we're in survival mode. It is affecting so many things we may not even realize. So in comparison, what is happening in the body when we're regulated? So the nervous system reads the environment is safe, even if life isn't perfect. It has more discernment of what is actually worth triggering the system for and what isn't. So you're going to be able to handle a lot more stress. A lot of these small things are not going to trigger that alarm, like it's happening when we're in survival mode. So stress-ho-remones are going to be at a baseline level. So of course they're present, but they're not flooding the system nearly as much. Your brain is in engagement mode, so blood flow is going to return to that prefrontal cortex. You can think more clearly. Your executive functioning is going to go up. And the blood flow will also return to your digestive system. So you may find you have a lot better functioning digestion. Your heart rate will be more calm. Your muscles will be more relaxed. And your body is in a state that allows thinking and connection. It allows for enjoyment, it allows for being present, so lots changing physically. And the ventral vagal system, this is like the social engagement system, this is the calming part of our system, is more active. All right, and what is our capacity and function when we're in survival mode? So our working memory is impaired, hard to hold information and use it, and I know, it has a more regulated age here, I still have trouble with that, so we don't want to make that worse than it has to be. Executive functioning breaks down as we mentioned, but you're going to experience that as is struggle with planning, struggle with starting tasks, struggle with switching tasks, struggle with prioritization, emotional regulation is harder. So smaller things feel bigger. Our emotional response will be a little bit disproportionate because if you think about it this way, we're already on the edge. If one more person says one more thing or if I have one more small inconvenience, I'm going to blow. Right, but that's because our system is in survival mode. Our impulse control decreases. We're kind of functioning more on this knee jerk reaction energy as opposed to more thoughtful mindfulness creativity, problem solving, and flexible thinking are limited. So of course, we're so creative, we have so many ideas, but the actual creation is going to be a little bit blocked. Problem solving is going to be more confusing, more taxing, and we are really rigid in our thinking, which creates a lot of issues. I do have other episodes on all our nothing thinking if you really struggle with that. Also you are going to get tired really quickly. Energy is being burned when we're on high alert. If you know the spoon theory, people say, "Hey, we only have so much spoons of energy. How do we want to use these amounts?" Lots of those spoons are going to the state of survival mode itself. So it's going to your body doing all this stuff to keep you safe. It's going to setting off the alarm. It's going to hypervigilance and intensity. Then we go, "I'm so tired I have done nothing all day." That's because being in survival mode is absolutely exhausting. So in comparison, what's the capacity and function when we're more regulated? You're working memories going to function better, so you can hold and use information much more easily. I would say that's still one of the symptoms I struggle with a little bit, but it's much better than it used to be. Executive function is available. It's going to be easier to start things, task initiates, going to be easier to plan, it's going to be easier to task switch. So emotional regulation improves. Things feel more proportional. So instead of functioning already at the edge of like one more thing and I'm going to be tipped over the edge, you are functioning from a place where if you could see me right now I may hand way up the top of my head and the hand comes down to like chest level. Like, "Oh, I have some wiggle room here. I can get frustrated. Things can happen. I can have unexpected things happen. I can have inconveniences and I'm not going to blow." That is a huge change. Your impulse control is going to be stronger because you're more mindful. You're not rushing. You're not in this like knee jerk reaction state. Creative thinking, problem solving and flexibility come back online. It's really amazing how when we are more regulated, executive functioning does increase. People will say, "Oh, you can't you can't affect your executive functioning." Well, if you have something absolutely dampening it and you remove that thing, yes, you can't. You absolutely can increase executive functioning. An energy becomes available again. So remember, you're burdened those spoons on just being in high alert. Once your system is functioning from a place of, "Oh, I'm connected to the reality that I'm physically safe. I am okay. I don't need to be in this intense state." You have those spoons now. Now you can do something with them and use them for activities in life and doing things. I have found that to be a really cool change in me since I've been more regulated. And that is doing things that I don't have to do, meaning hobbies, classes, lessons, like having a rich, interesting life outside of work. I play tennis every week, almost been a year of doing that. I'm crocheting right now. Sometimes I am doing like new hobbies and then dropping them, but I kind of plan for that. So for example, for my crochet, I'll just buy a kit. I will finish that kit, but I'm not going to buy tons of supplies until I'm super into it. I'll go to the gym regularly, or sometimes I'll go to yoga for a while. So it's not that it's always concrete and I do the same thing forever, but I really do find I have desire to like get out and do stuff one before. If I didn't have to do it, I wasn't doing it. I was so exhausted all the time. So what does it feel like to me in survival mode? It's quite overwhelming. You're going to have a lot of freeze moments or days and you're going to feel really scattered, confused, can't keep track of things. It's very hard to start things or stop things. So for in a mode, we're kind of stuck there. So if I'm in work mode, I'm going hard and it's hard to remove myself. If I haven't started work, it's hard to get started. So it's just this constant, like I'm on a track and I can't get off. That's really limiting. My gosh, this work is so much about freedom. I'm like, wow, I have kind of more control over my own decisions and my own self and I can sometimes do lots of work still. But I feel like, hey, I have the conscious awareness that I can stop at any time. I can get up and go to the bathroom and go get something to eat. If it's time to be with my kids, I can peel myself away and go do that even if I'm doing something really engaging or something interesting. That freedom is so amazing. And I can feel like your brain won't cooperate no matter how hard you try. I know if you're dysregulated, you might be trying to harness that or wrangle with that with a lot of tools, strategies, tips, tricks, hacks and it's frustrating because you're trying so hard, but not much is changing. And we're also going to have a lot of shame in this area because the struggle is like invisible to others. So I know as 80 years in general, it can be so hard to explain what this experience is like. But it's even harder to explain if you have ADHD and that ADHD brain is in survival mode. So what does it feel like to be regulated? And much more able to be present that I find one of the best gifts of this work, especially with young kids is like even though I find parenting very challenging, there's so many moments where I can really be present, you know, appreciate the cute moment or the nice time we're having. Even when it's not perfect, even when someone's alluring, even when, you know, plans change, I'm really able to absorb my life. I was just thinking the other day, what a gift it is for regulation. To allow us to enjoy the face of life we're in because how many times have you looked back kind of the previous face to whatever you're in now? Well, and all of those were the good days. So maybe you're in, you know, you think, oh, college is going to be so great and you look back at high school, you go, oh, that was actually the best. It was so easy. I had no responsibility. And then you know, in college, you know, can't wait to graduate. Working's going to be so much better. Then you start working and like, oh, man, college, that was the good old days. I was in the dorms with my friends. I did find that to be the best time. At one point, I lived in a house with like five girls. It was just so fun. But we're in the current stage. We're in. When we're dysregulated, Rose going to be the looking back or forward, hard to be present because we're feeling unsafe. When we're more regulated, it's like, wow, this is the best time. Why? Because it's the time I'm in. It's the only time I can enjoy. And so as I mentioned, with young kids, like so grateful that I can enjoy these years as they move forward without wishing them away, without wanting to get the hard stuff over with. So that in 10 years, I don't look back because we hear that a lot. Like all these someone older will come by and you'll see you have young kids. Oh, these are the best years of your life. Enjoy them. It's like, I am. But I didn't enjoy the very early years of having kids at all. Because I was the most dysregulated at that time. One, it's just such a hard time. But two, I was so dysregulated that I was really wishing it away. It was very, very, very challenging for me. So an absolute gift that regulation has given me is like, I'm here in the now and enjoying the now. So that in 10 years, I don't look back and go, oh, I didn't appreciate it. Those are the good days. It's really cool. This is such cool works. It's so much deeper than like be more productive. Anyways, in this state, when you're more regulated, tasks will feel more doable. Even if they're still challenging tasks, and that's what's really cool about regulation work is actually has two purposes. One is, yes, get you out of dysregulation more often. I don't want daily life for you to feel so overwhelming. I want you to be kind of breezing through of like, oh, it's fine. Normal life fine. In my routine, obviously, no problem. Of course, life's going to be hard. We're going to have challenges. So that's going to dysregulate us from time to time. But the second thing regulation work does is it strengthens my ability to be dysregulated and not have it kind of have everything go off kilter. I can still do the things I need to do. I can still, you know, transition and start things if I be a little bit harder, but I can do it. When we're just full on in survival mode and that switch is flipped on all the time, we don't have that capacity to be with the discomfort, which is why we're so often avoiding frozen because that's our system like dealing with it by not dealing with it. There's space to think and respond instead of react and make choices. I will say another great thing about this work, kind of getting into more nuance of it is I am so much less defensive than I used to be. I was never an aggressive person or an angry person, but I remember even in university, I would not look at the feedback on my papers because I couldn't handle any negative feedback. So I'd be like, oh, it's like as long as I pass, like, I don't want to know what I did wrong. I can absolutely take feedback now as someone who's in a bit more of a public work. I get a lot of comments. I get complaints. I get, you know, this criticism or that. And most of the time, there's usually something valuable in the criticism. Sometimes it's just annoying, but I can just like ignore it. But sometimes it's really valuable. The skill of being able to put your defenses down when it's not dangerous, right? Someone's criticism is not going to hurt me or kill me. Creating what my nervous system knows that, maybe we'll actually hear them. And because of this, this is why I created my free guide like two years ago now that has been such a gift to me and many people have found helpful and has been such a great piece of my work and my business, you know, advice of like ways to do content and things like that. This criticism has helped me get better at my job and at marketing my work. And what a gift that is. Had I been still dysregulated, I would have just ignored all that 100%. Right? Oh, they're not being, they're not saying it politely. So I'm not going to listen to what they're saying. I can really hear people now. And that's pretty cool. And so if you, if you at work feel defensive or with your partner, you feel defensive, just know, oh, that's a part of dysregulation. And that could soften and make me much more open and really hear people and take things in and improve in ways that I feel are valid, right? Obviously all criticism is not valid. Some people are just mean and you don't have to take it on. But wow, it's really nice to be able to actually hear it and go, hmm, some of that valuable or not, it's pretty cool. And then you are going to have a larger sense of capacity. If I look at my history of when I was most overwhelmed, I really did not have a lot going on before I had kids, especially if I was like in college for some of it. I was working like little jobs with nothing else outside of that work. And I was just, oh my god, the thought of sweeping the floor, the thought of getting dressed in the morning, the thought of brushing my teeth, showering, apologies to people in my past. I did not shower enough. It was just so much. I don't have the capacity. Life's so hard. It is like I had a little Easter egg basket of capacity. Like, okay, this is how much I can handle. And now I have like a pool. That is really what it feels like. I can do so much, not that we need to be hyper productive and focus on that all the time. But how cool to like, if I choose to take something on, I can do it out of a conscious choice, not a compulsion that I have to do the most all the time. There's another problem we can get into. But it is so cool to know, hey, I can, you know, write a book. I can do this work I do long term. I can handle my business and my kids and my home and my anything I want to take on, I know I can do it. That did not used to be the case. I would really not pursue much of anything apart from like whatever I had to do because I did not have the capacity. So for regulation work, I really for anyone, right, eight each, do you or not? It is going to increase your capacity. You are going to be able to do more while exerting less energy. You're going to have more energy for life to do things that make it richer, more fun, more enjoyable and get more work done and be more successful. It is like such a edge. If you're an ambitious person, especially like getting out of survival mode is that ticket. But for ADHD specifically, how does that affect things? So in survival mode, your ADHD symptoms are going to be significantly amplified in this state. They are going to feel bigger. Why? Because if you look at the list of ADHD symptoms and you look at the list of symptoms of being in fight or flight, they're almost the same. So you're pretty much doubling up on symptoms. The nervous system is already wired to be more reactive. So again, we're kind of like doubling up on all our problems. Already? struggling with this. So once you put that system into fight or flight, it's unmanageable. And then also your dopamine is going to be lower, making motivation and follow through even harder and you are going to get stuck in that dopamine seeking behavior much more easily, you know, the scrolling, the eating, the spending, those quick hits of dopamine to make us feel better. But then the crash regulation, Brady, G specifically is going to give us lower symptoms. So they're workable. I'm not saying they're all going to go away. I still can tell I have ADHD, especially in attention to detail and memory. Those are my big struggles still. But my God, compared to what it was before, I really don't worry about it. I make mistakes. I have my whoopsies, but compared to how well everything else is going, I can handle it. Also, I don't get as dysregulated by the mistakes. So that really helps too. The nervous system can tolerate more without tipping into overwhelm. So again, that's kind of that capacity, even though ADHD, I am not going to be as dysregulated overall, more intentionally work on this, which is a lot of the ADHD struggle. So it really helps, especially with overwhelm and all those cognitive struggles that we feel with. And then dopamine functions better. Motivation of all through improve, you're going to be much more satisfied by long term dopamine, meaning, you know, pursuing something, achieving something, being good at something, doing hard tasks, like those things that don't give you that hit, but they do give you dopamine over time and you feel better and better. That's going to be so much more desired. And I do find that I really can tell and we all fall into it, but especially scrolling. I really hit my stride with no longer scrolling. Of course, I'm posting and on social media as a creator, but not as a consumer from January to literally what rate today. I'm recording this on April 6th. Probably April 3rd. Oh, I got sucked back into scrolling again because I was, I watched the show called Summer House. If you guys watch it, you know what I'm talking about? And there's been big drama. So I went on there to look about it. And man, it's hooked me again. So the past few days I've been scrolling. So now today I'm on my mission again. Let's get back on that horse. Keep going mindset of continuation and bite myself back in no shame or guilt. Just okay, let's keep up those efforts because my gosh, did I feel better? Without that dopamine that kind of splashes in your face, but then makes you feel worse after. And I can really feel it now that I haven't been scrolling for a while. So what's cool is like, yeah, you might still get caught up into that quick hit dopamine, but it like feels yucky and you're much more equipped to pivot away from it and go back to what feels really good, which I have found reading this year to feel so nice. Like when I get into a good book, my gosh, it's just so fun. Achievement, chipping away at things, feeling good about myself, all of that dopamine, so much more rewarding than the quick hits. So all of this to say most people in survival mode, you're not weird for being in survival mode. You're not failing because you're in survival mode. You're a human being in 2026. So it's okay. No shame, no guilt. We don't need to feel bad about this. But what we can do is come aware of it and start working towards being more regulated. So now that you know, oh, all these parts of this stuff I'm experiencing, this is me in survival mode. This is not just you. This is not just straight HD. This is not quote unquote normal. Might be common, but it does not have to be this way. So to move forward, as mentioned earlier, the free ADG regulation work job, I'm hosting on April 29th. The 5 p.m. mountain time is a great next step. Even if you can't make it live, you're welcome to register and you'll get the replay and the PDF and everything that goes with it. So you can start doing this work in a bit of a richer way and learn more about how to get out of fight or flight. So be sure to grab your spot. That is in the show notes and in the week ahead, just observe, oh, what parts of me aren't survival mode and what would I like to experience instead? It is really important to have a vision of what might be possible. Have some hope, have some positive thinking about, okay, this doesn't have to be this hard. Yes, I'm noticing it's really hard and I'm noticing these traits of survival mode, but that's okay. Cause this is workable. I can make this better. That first belief shift is very important. If you believe this is just how hard life is, everyone's in survival mode. So I have to be in survival mode. That's just the way almost impossible to change. That might be a great step to work on this week before we get into our workshop. And we will go from there. So thank you so much for being here. Please rate and share the podcast. It helps so much to get this message out to other ADHDers. And we'll see you soon.