EP. 35 - The Price of Love

Hello, you've reached Philip Ward. I just want to thank you for giving me a call and being a part of this project. Feel free to say whatever you'd like. Thanks. It happened again. I'm really glad to hear that you really cared about and really let my life really wanted to be with and it was nothing but good to pretty much just hot me out of their life entirely. I was like, "Oh, it's nothing like all this number there. I'm 27. I've never had a relationship." And I keep thinking about the little girl I was who couldn't wait to have a boyfriend and couldn't wait to be in love. And then he has started to go by and started to realize it was difficult for me. More so than my friends. And now I'm 27. And the scariest part is I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't pinpoint it. I can't see what's wrong if I don't know what it is. And everybody can treat me like I'm nothing. I don't think I'm never going to find out what's wrong. I don't think I can fix myself. And I really feel the possible for me to have love. And I believe that to my core at this point, it doesn't feel possible for me. I just can't take getting hurt anymore. I emotionally mentally physically, I just can't anymore every time I've been hurt and hurt worse than the last. I'm so broken right now by what this last man did. I just feel like I'm there for people to use. And then the scars. I don't know how to keep going on because I'm so scared that I'm going to be alone and hurting forever. What kind of life is that? I realize that I've done this so many times now that it's just feels natural when I have like some big stuff on my mind. Currently just sitting in a borrowed mom's car. So I can get to get this I can drive my friend of mine to a doctor's appointment, train him and it's nice. Read and Scott Pilgrim while I wait. But I realize that I changed a lot and a lot of people that I used to be friends with. I'm not well friends with anymore. It's probably because they agree me or I agree with them. And I also realize that I am still in love with the friend that I'm taking to the doctors right now. She's going to be married and she asked me to come to the wedding and I said, "Sure, of course." You're like one of my best friends of course I will. But I don't know why I still feel this way because we both were into each other in high school but just both didn't want to ruin the friendship I can now. I don't know. As much as I've changed, I've thought I've changed. I realize I'm most likely still the same and act the same which really sucks. I should do better. I should try to do better at least. Maybe tomorrow. I think I should promise myself that I would never end up like my mom. And this week I was kind of sitting with this revelation that I am actually exactly like my mom because my mom is divorced from my dad. And she can't go into a relationship anymore. She's only turning 48 this year, 2025. But she's tried to be in relationships and tried to find partners and go on dates and even kindling old romances. She's tried everything. I mean even getting back on my dad, she tried that too but nothing is worked because she just can't find it in herself. Anybody, the way that she loved my dad, even though I didn't end well, and that is how I feel about you. And it kills me inside every day to look at you and know that there will never be another you. I look around at all of these guys and people want to go out with me and I get asked on dates and I just always let's know. I go and I have an awful time because the truth is I could never love anybody the way that I loved you and I'm so tired of trying to find it in myself to do it again and hurt myself again. I just be so like struck with like grieve when it doesn't work out. So yes, fuck you. I lost a girl. I loved a lot. Cement a lot to me. And the reason why we broke up was because the college. She was going to college and I was a junior at the moment and she was a senior. She was going to happen but I didn't know it was going to happen as quickly. And she said all these things that made my brain just run a million miles from her and they didn't know what to say or think. She had to know what would you like to be friends with me still and I just told her I can't unsee a future that has with you. Unfortunately, I cannot do that. Every day it's been eight months now. Every day I struggle to get over her. I've tried really not because we had together. I tried to ignore chats, blocking her, not talking to her in general and it just didn't help at all. Something would remind me of her. I would see someone figure that looked exactly like hers and my body would just freeze. And it's always been a struggle. And I haven't tried looking at another girl or what was in her girl because I don't want to hurt anyone else when I'm going to this stage right now. All I can say is cherish the moments you have with someone. Don't take it for granted because that's what I did and it lost her so quickly. Yeah. Bye. This is going to be my first Christmas without both of my great grandparents. I mean, every Christmas, almost every holiday, ever since I can remember we would all meet up at my. he wants some papal house. Me and everyone on my dad's side of the family. And. well, at least I know we would just have a great time. But now it's. maybe. Because it became different when I'm new all past a few years ago, but. a papal pastor a few months ago and it. pitched us a lot. It can't help but deal bad for my aunt. And she's doing more my great aunt. She's doing so well. But she's lost a lot and just a year alone. Yeah. Thanks for listening. Hey, I hope I kind of hope you hear this, but I can't really say it to you right now. This is like you just are the ones in my life. I really want to start a family with you. I want to just have the old school relationship together. What? We're kind of new in the relationship, but I think you're definitely my one. I think you think it too. I know you want to share relationships and grow together and stuff. I just want to say I just want to marry you one day. I just want to marry you. I want to go up the main like I always say. And our kids are running around and trashers and shit. But yeah, I kind of hope you hear this. So anyway, I love you. This is my last try. Thank you for seeing that we could have stayed together. Every night just continuously open your call me and apologize for not seeing it soon. But now all I see online is you with our friends and you're as happy as can be. And I think that's my sign to just leave you alone, even though I wish I could still be what makes you smile. You know, this year it's different in a good way. But I can't help but feeling that, you know, how far it's been for me. It's been good, but at the same time I feel like with the amount of good that's happening, I feel like something bad is going to happen. But you know, I'm choosing to ignore that feeling because this year is my year. And I hope whoever hears this, I hope they feel like this year will be their year. No matter how down you are, you gotta push through it and just stay positive even if you feel like you want to break down. Because no matter what life will kick you in the ass to see how hard of a punch you can take. But we all know that every one of us can take a lot of punches. So keep going in life. Hey, man. I think this project is cool as hell. I know it's helping people. But I figured I would try talking to helps. Not a lot of people really talk about how they feel no more. So this is like a great anonymous way of doing that. So here's mine. Back in March, I get out of this relationship of this girl who I thought I was going to marry. And at first, I thought I was okay. I was like going out with my friends and just I was doing okay. And as of recent days and weeks, I don't know how long I do more and more, I realized that I'm not okay. I'm heartbroken. I'm hurting. I'm trying to talk to new people and trying to meet other girls and everything. They get me at first. They're interesting. And then we talk for more than three, four or five days. And it's just, I see something in them that reminds me of her. And I think of her all the time. And I don't want to. I don't think I want to get back with her. It's just that every time I see something that reminds me of her, I'm just plagued with these memories, both good and bad, but mainly the good ones. And they eat them all. There's a lot of things going on in life too, and my mom has kidney failure. She's going to stage three. And then we just got the news that her kidney is about 25% and if they go to 20, that's home. And then we just got the news that I was this, which is a treatment. And Mr. Treatment doesn't work that's guaranteed at most five years left to live. And what the thing going on with my eggs and that I just, I can't lose my mom. My mom told me so much. Life sucks, but I know someone just want to be a good turn of events. So that's just how life is. And with these events that have happened in my life, I want things that have been trying to keep me grounded, like helping me in a way that I can't change nothing that's happened. If I can't control it, there's nothing I can do really. Hey, I'm sorry. I just, I don't know what to take or feel or do about my relationship with my father. I'm 21 years old and my parents have been split for like 12 years. It was the best thing my mom could have ever done, but my father has been so manipulative and vengeful and like that shit insane. And I, I want to have a relationship with him because he's my father and I want to have a good father, but I don't have a good father. And I know that he is the way that he is because of shit that has happened to him. And I have so much empathy for him, but I have so much anger for him. And he's been calling me and asking me to call him and you know, asking why I haven't been returning his text and shit like that. And he's just like, I can't, like I can't bring myself to. I physically, I just can't. Like it has gotten to a point where I can't. He convinced my brother and my sister to live with him after my parents split. And the only reason he did that was to try to get at my mom and he tried to convince me to do it too. And luckily I saw through his bullshit, but my two siblings are incredibly fucked up because they decided to go live with him. They're both struggling drug addicts because of his neglect. Because of his insane amount of neglect in his teenage years, he stopped having a relationship with me once I decided to start standing up for my mom and speaking my mind and having my own thoughts and opinions. He just stopped having a relationship with me and now that I'm an adult, all of a sudden he wants to have a relationship with me again because I'm not a kid. It's just like, dude, fuck off. What? He's calling me and leaving me these triggering-ass voicemails at least once a week and I feel so bad because I know he's hurting and I want to. It's just, I feel bad, but I also just have so much anger towards him and my mom tells me I should talk to him about it and there's just physically no way that he would listen. There's no way he would listen to it. It would not. Anyway. Hey, I just wanted to. Well, say thank you. I know he just broke up, but. What is he? I know it wasn't for long, but I don't know if I've ever got to say it, but I love you. I do love you. I hope you do all my life. And, yeah, I mean. I hope you're happy. I hope you find your person. I'm just saying, it wasn't me. Thank you. Bye. To the boy that I had to cut off to learn how to love myself again, I am doing fantastic. Not that you really cared when we were together, but I'm happier and feel more like myself than I have in a long time. Choosing myself was the best choice that I've ever made. So thank you. So being so awful. I never thought that me and you would be talking again, but now I know that you're like someone else. I'm just confused about why you're reaching out. What's the point of it? I'm getting attached to that and then I don't like to film anymore. Yeah. Okay. I know that you're really mad at me. And I wish that there was something that I could do to make it better, but I can't right now. And then tough. And I can't figure out my words to say right now. And it's just the things go well and then they don't. And they go well and they don't. And then just then shitty. And I want nothing else but for us to just be good. And I know that's not always going to be that way, but I think a little piece of me just kind of crumbles away whatever this happens and whatever we fight. And sometimes I wonder how much of me is going to be left over. And at one point all of me goes, I don't know, it's not kind of dramatic, but sometimes it's hard to get built back up and I know things haven't been the best lately. My situation is kind of not ideal for the things that you want, but I really hope that you don't give up on me. I really hope you don't. But I'm going to give you some space. And now I'll see you next week, well hopefully. But I hope that we can just get past this. And get that going track like we've been doing. But I think at some point we're going to have to talk about how things got handled today. But one problem at a time right. And we're thinking about you until I see you again. And I love you. I'm sorry. Hey, just just remember to keep your head up no matter what you're going through, no matter who's telling you what, just know that you're in it for you. And that's all that matters. I'll let anybody else tell you down. Just take it day to day, take it on a chin, keep smiling. Thumbs up all around. So I met a girl. Duran, one of the hardest times in my life. And we were like pretty good for each other. But it never worked out. And it just put me into like a deeper place in my life. Like I'm at the lowest point that I've ever been. And she really just made it all better, man. And I just she asked me to change for her. But I don't know. I tried, but I guess I couldn't do it fast enough. But it just sucks. No one's going to give me a chance to try again even though I do anything for her. Hey, so it's January 7, 2025. I called before with a pretty wine voice and I don't know if I can hear it. And I don't know. I feel like I didn't say exactly what I wanted to say. I really wanted to say that. I really, because you know, I've been in one relationship my entire life. And you know, I didn't end the way. Should've. Like I feel like I'll spend the rest of my life. You know, never getting over it. Making you know, feel like you could have ended differently. And you know, I mean, I think I'll probably, after I'm done with this voice now, I'll probably give her a call. You know, be like, Hey, what's up? And brush, you know, breaking the contact. It's been in screen from having call or text, call or text, maybe a year. So it'll be weird. But, you know, I mean, that sucks, but I'll get over it, you know. Hey, um, you know, I miss you a lot. Um, sometimes I wonder if if you think about me the same way I think about you. If I exist in your mind the same way you exist in my, um, you know, it's been a couple of years now. And it's, uh, it's interesting. Not being around you anymore. I mean, you were a pillar, um, a really big part of my life. And just, you know, being there is devastating, I guess. I don't know. Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I just, I hope you're doing okay. And, um, I hope I can do better. You have a good day. Hey. Sharon. Okay. It's me. You're just going to send me a picture of your daughter tonight. I can't believe how old she is now. How gross. I know how much she looks like you. Thank you. It's been almost 13 years since we met. And just over seven years since. So do you have both? I can still, I can't close my eyes and be at the exact moment when I found out. I had just talked to you like two weeks before. Did I think about that a lot? But, the life I wanted to give to you and that. I want to marry you, Ferret. I wanted to give you everything the world has offered. You're the first person to show me. You'll always be my favorite person for that. I've got a kit with how old that is now. I haven't seen your face for so long. It will be a third treat. I just got home from getting broken up with by the love of my life. I know that I haven't fully come to terms with it. I could be free, but he thinks it's really. I'm not capable of being loved. I'm going to get in this space. I love you so much. Hi. I don't know why I'm calling. I don't love. It's pretty crazy. It's just like the timing and how we met each other. I loved it once before. It was a deep, great love. I thought I would never find something comparable again. I'm lucky. I love how we met each other. I'm just really grateful. It feels like something totally different. I'm just really happy. I'm really lucky. I'm very loved. I'm really grateful. I really don't take it for granted. I feel like I can't handle anybody else who's listening. I know things do get better. Things are very, very dark for a long time. I love you. I love you. I would just say that I'm going to call this phone number instead of calling my ex-boyfriend. I suck in this. He was an alcoholic. I was emotionally abusive. the way he did. Not to my miss him right now. That is so fucked up in the middle of the night. But, fuck, do I miss him right now? I don't know why. I felt so safe at the beginning, no? Like, so safe. I would have married him if he had asked me to. Third, he called me his wife anyway. Should have run away to Tennessee when I had the chance. Should have made a new life in Mercy's Barrow. Maybe I'd be happier. No. That's a terrible idea. Falling in. Considering I ripped him a new one and told him he was the piece of shit. But, so what it is, it is what it is. Okay, do you? Okay. I'm fucking hate him. And. Oh my god. I don't know me. I don't know him. I miss him. I hate him. That's whatever. This is so weird. I've never done this before, but. This is gonna be boring, but I guess I'll just talk. And you can just keep whatever parts you wanna keep. I started wearing a rubber band on my left arm as of today because I learned that somewhere in some mental institution or whatever. Or when people have obsessions, they practice thought stopping in a foot therapist. So I started wearing a rubber band. So that I could snap my band on my arm every time I started being mean to myself. I stopped it pretty often today. Maybe like, I don't know 100 times. Maybe less, maybe more. I don't know. I guess the point is I mean to myself a lot. And it's weird because I don't know any other way. I think that if I were really nice to myself all the time, then I wouldn't learn anything and that I would just be complacent, but that's not true. So here I am working on it. Snipping my arm one day at a time. Yeah, anyway, that's it. Yeah, thanks for listening to my dog. My depression is sleeping back into my life. I feel myself funny less and less free than the smile. Although my life seems to be a lot better than before when my depression started. I like love in my life because I don't want to, but because I don't love myself. I was never taught to love myself. I was only ever taught to smile and make others you have here than myself. I grew up without a mom because she was working too hard to feed me. So I overfed myself until I was too fat to be able to run. I like the father because he had his own demon supply and he chose to fight them away from me. I like family because everyone has their own life to live and mine didn't, mine wasn't the part of theirs. I had a brother who showed me what it means to hate someone. He taught me that love hurts and sometimes that's the only love that someone could give you. He abused me for years. He always said I was adopted or that I was never wanted. Never the one that deserves to have been born. I had a young age, she found out that I was bipolar. All my joyful moments in the blink of an eye can become horrific sad moments and that terrifies me as a kid. And as an abode it scares me because the joy that I have in my life can go away just because the chemicals in my brain decide it to be so. Just because something doesn't fit right the way that it usually does. I'm a man without love because I'm too scared to succeed and I'm too scared to be rejected. I like this girl and yet I can't begin to form words when I'm around her. I can't even begin to form a thought about what I would do with things glint right. I am a failure because I don't know how to succeed. I really like this girl but she's interested in one of my best friends and I'm never a hard-to-dowler. But I know that she doesn't like me and she always gives me as a friend and I just wish to that friend. I love her so much. One I would like to thank you for making this a project. I think it's pretty cool. And I'm a little tipsy. I guess I just have a question for everyone out there on what do you do when you're in a "you love someone so much" and they keep doing these offices. I have everything you ask them to do but they say "you love you too". I guess it's just very confusing on my behalf considering I put in a good 97 to 100% and they put in probably a good 50% I don't know and there are the ones that broke my trust in the first place. I don't know. I guess they just have a question for everyone and need some advice. That would be very appreciated and thank you for this outlet and thanks for everyone to listen. I feel like I'm just going to have this filter. I don't know if I've become so open to this thing. I just feel like the dumbest bitch of my life because I feel like it was completely obvious that my crush was gay. Yeah. But I guess I was just in denial the entire time because I felt like there was a lack of evidence with him being gay. I didn't want to assume he was gay because we've certain mannerisms. I was like even a straight person could do but could also be seen as a potential time for being gay. I felt really confusing because all the time I started having feelings for this guy. I was also questioning my face and he was also coming. I was starting to get more involved with the Christian faith and so was this guy and it just made me question certain things and it just feels so stupid because I also knew this one that worked out with this guy not because he was essentially gay but just based on where we were in our lives. And where we are now and we don't even live in the same state. And I also, I mean this could go on hand with him not being straight but I am pretty sure he was and he had any sort of interest in me even though there's something he did that I wish I could get more in a detail for but I only have like 30 seconds left but for the voice no gets cut off. That makes me question what were his intentions of music. Yeah it's got to be a whole other voice no and I promised it's not like oh he was asking for it. No no no no no no no. It was just I don't know just any question where I stood with him. Never thought I'd do this because I thought it was kind of weird but I don't know. I thought I was over this one girl and now she's with someone and the other girl I was talking to is talking to someone else. I'm beating myself up for being too slow stuff like that. I feel like I'm letting my family down and letting God down. Yeah. I don't know. I don't really have any friends to talk to have this stuff with so I'm talking to myself and people might hear it. So that's cool. All right that's not much rest. I don't really know why I'm calling but I guess you just need to talk to them now. There's still a lot going on and I feel like I'm letting everyone down and something's better but it wasn't here. That would let people down even more. I don't know if I'm going to be able to realize it but it saves me. I don't know what I would have done if it weren't for you. I don't even think that I'd be here right now. I probably would have overdose or cut myself out and let out. I'm not being there for me to let me be able to talk to you. I often have these thoughts and they're really genuine but I remember the effects that I could have on you or what you think of suicide. And it just made me sit there and think and I just made me stop. Maybe this is safe and comfortable. I'm just so scared of us around when we're talking. I'm just scared to lose you because I love you. I'm sorry. The mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages at the end.