Ep. 3 Variations of Normal - Recovering From Reality

[Music] Hey, it's Alexis Haynes and this is my podcast "Recovering From Reality." [Music] Hey, guys. Thank you so much for tuning in to listen to this episode. I am so excited to have my dear friend, Rachelle, on the podcast today. Rachelle and I have known each other for, what is it, like, a little over 10 years now, but we actually became friends when we had our oldest daughters, Eva and Harper. They are now in kindergarten and they're little BFFs. Rachelle is such a special person in my life and one of those people that just is so authentic and just an amazing friend. It's really where, oh, don't do it. She's already turned up. No, I'm going to. She's just one of those people that's so authentic and it's rare that you find a friend and that you feel like you can be really open and honest from the beginning and just that that person accepts you and loves you no matter what. Even though we don't see each other all the time, I feel like any time I need something I can go to Rachelle and that you're a trust worthy friend and it's amazing to have. Rachelle is not only a great friend but an awesome mom and she's living this crazy life being married to a backstreet boy, AJ, which is, you know, she's going to talk about in a little bit. But when I was telling her about the podcast and what we were doing and all of that, she was like, well, you should have AJ on because he's in recovery and I was like, well, actually I want you on because she just has such an incredible story and I think you guys should hear it. And so I want to talk to you. I just want to get a little bit of your background and, you know, like what you're all about and how you met AJ and where we are because I feel like so often spouses are seen as kind of, you know, what's the word I'm looking for? They're just, they're not human. They're not human and we're seeing this right now with this whole Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga thing where everyone's saying, oh, they're totally hooking up and meanwhile he's got this amazing way of daughter and it's like the way that people talk about that it's so hurtful and I don't think that people realize how hurtful that actually is. It's very hurtful. So I don't know my whole story but I'll just start with I guess when me and AJ met, we met about, got it originally when I was maybe 25. When I was 25, I knew that I was not capable of being in a relationship not only with anybody at that point in time but definitely with a celebrity and who I know and everyone else because he's so open about it who, you know, has a problem with drugs and drinking and where I'm very like, and maybe I look and perceive a different persona with all the tattoos and the kind of edgy exterior but really just approved. You really are. You stay at home. Never drank. Never did drugs. Home body. So I knew that I wasn't capable of being in a relationship like I said not only at that time but just with somebody, somebody like him. And so we went several ways and ran into each other a couple years later and at that point I had been taking classes at the Cabalist Center. So I've been kind of doing a lot of self discovery and learning how to cope with trauma, my trauma which was growing up in a family with parents that had an abusive and volatile marriage. I was an abusive anger and have me just always been insecure and have, you know, eating disorders at a very young age and so I was really working on myself at the time and our paths crossed again and we kind of, you know, started talking and dating relatively quickly. We got engaged after about eight months of being together and when we were initially together I didn't really, I'd never been around addicts, never seen cocaine, I'd never not experienced, I lived a very sheltered life. So I didn't know a lot of things that were going on that were going on and his struggles and he told me, you know, yeah, I went to rehab and I was sober for a long time and I can control it now and maybe in so naive to recovery and addiction. I believed him. Because if you're not in that world and you've never experienced that, like you would just, you would never think to question that. You don't know. You know, I was around what they call normies. So I would say I was a normie, I don't like it said I don't drink or anything. So you think people know their limits. Yeah. I didn't know he didn't know his limits. I thought all those trips to the bathroom were normal. I was like, wow, this guy pees a lot. You know, you learn as you go and we got engaged and it was kind of like, okay, we're engaged. We want to start this life together. But you have some things you need to work out. So you need to be sober before we get married and that's a stipulation. He was sober for about eight months before we got married and then we got married and he fell off the wagon rather quickly and he did a 30 day rehab that nobody knows about. Actually it wasn't real public or anything. He did 30 days right after we got married and then he went into extended care after that. And it was on that little break, but the three hour break between his 30 days didn't and extended care that actually got pregnant with Ava. So it was a very, I don't think they say you're not supposed to buy a plant even when you come out of rehab. Let alone have a baby. Yeah, so we've had a lot of ups and downs and he's struggled with his sobriety and he works on it and he falls like we all do in life no matter what it is. But we work really hard at our marriage and we've been in and out of therapy for years which I think they're pretty amazing. For anything. And as someone who has kind of an inside look on the relationship, well, yes, relationships even when you're sober with people in recovery is often really challenging because there's so much underlying there. But you can see that the love that he has for you is so incredible and so authentic and just pure and lovely and for the girls too. And I feel like, you know, unless you have that inside view, like you don't see that on the outside, you know, because the truth is to A.J. incorrect me if I'm wrong, but how I see it is he has this really big outside persona. But when he's home, he's just totally different. He definitely has. There's definitely the A.J. that the public knows and then there's the Alex that's at home who is your friend and my husband and my girl's dad and you know, he's up when he's home, he's up every day and he's taking a bit of school and he loves drop off. He loves to be with all the moms and dads and gossipy, you know, he does. We have all the current events in the neighborhood and stuff. He's a great human, but he's flawed like we all are. Of course. You know, we all have our. Demons, we all have our issues and our issues definitely. Yeah. So it's like, here's the world, the outside world and I think in this day and age in the world of technology and Instagram and Facebook and that's really when I want to get into with you because I mean, that's how this whole talk began about coming on the podcast was talking about, you know, our public persona and Instagram and the way that online bullying affects us and as mothers, what we hope for our children. So. You know, here's this like big outside persona that everybody sees and then there's the real people that are living real life and having their struggles and their issues and which is true for any marriage and any relationship and parenthood and all of it is messy as it should be because it's like nobody gives you a manual like here's how marriage works. Because no two people are the same and no one gives you a manual of like here's parenting 101, you know, like and now you guys are going to be parents together in your relationship and somehow you have to make all of this work. It's like really messy. So, you know, I have been subject obviously to years and years of public ridicule and tabloids and all of that as I know that Alex has to and as somebody who is in the public eye like we signed up for that. You did not. I don't think you signed up for that to a certain degree, but I definitely did not. I kind of became. I don't want to say famous because I'm definitely not famous, but I became relatively well known by defaults. Yeah. You know, I definitely feel like you don't choose who you fall in love with and if I had known some of the trials and tribulations of what I would be getting into by marrying him, you know, if you would have choose that, I would not choose. Some of the obstacles and hurdles because you do become somewhat of a I don't want to say celebrity because that's not the right word either, but a public figure. A public figure. I mean, I have you lose your right to anonymity and privacy. Right. You know, you know, I get so nervous when we go to the Grove to see Santa over here because the pop rats is always there. I like literally will be walking from the parking lot in my stomach starts to hurt and I start looking around like, oh my gosh, and I find myself standing either a few steps ahead or a few steps back just because I don't want to get caught in that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm insecure. I don't want to picture like any of us don't want our pictures out there that we don't have control of. So I don't have control over some of those photos that are out there. And some of them have been less than flattering and people have definitely brought that to my attention. And it's just brutal and I remember so vividly I just had Harper. I went from 120 pounds to 186 pounds. And for my height, I was really overweight and you know, like approaching 200 pounds at five foot five or however tall. I was really I gained I'd ballooned up after having Harper. And the bling ring movie had just come out and there was paparazzi outside of my apartment in LA and I was called like a fat pig and a slob and wow, she really let herself go and he won't be sticking around for long with that body and you know all of the criticism. And it's just brutal because as women we were talking before we even came live and she was saying remembering in first grade having. Yeah, first grade I started to feel shame of eating and I started to feel that just because by nature I was not bigger in the sense of I was overweight or anything. I just didn't have those skinny little girl legs. I had thicker legs just naturally and I started to feel shame in the thought of that well if nobody sees me eat they're not going to be able to say oh well, we're sure that because she ate a lot of lunch. So I used to take my lunch out in the cafeteria and kind of spread it out and move it around and then put it all back in the brown bag and just throw it straight in the garbage and start skipping meals in first grade. I just started feeling so like that was a way of controlling if if I could control what people saw that I was putting into my body that they couldn't that I was controlling their mean comments. And you know, because you know I don't forget like seventh grade somebody called my house and told me that I had one free liposuction and a nose job. Oh my god. And I was like you said I had a very athletic build. I've been naturally more athletic build. So I look at so I also I'm Rachel's cousin, Raquel. Raquel's my personal trainer and Raquel is similar build. She is like builds. She's solid. She's muffled. Yeah. And she was saying when we would work out together, she was like you know when I go to the doctor they consider me obese. I am these strong. I mean she can like press. I can't it's insane. And so and she's a low body fat percentage, but because of her height and her weight. Wait, she's considered obese. And it's just absurd. These standards that we have. And I think that we're moving and I'm grateful for this into a place where we can look at different body types and acknowledge that like they are beautiful. Like when I look at Richelle, she's like one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Like don't start crying because I'm in a start crying because she she is. But when we compare ourselves and I remember looking at myself in that picture of me at 186 pounds carrying my newborn and thinking, oh my god, you look so ugly. But I remember being 13 and being chubby and thinking those same things that you know I'm that I'm chubby and I'm fat and I have cellulated and these things are not not just unwanted but that it makes me unlikable. That I'm not a value because I have cellulite that I'm somehow you know not as good as a mother as Demi Moore who poses naked at 130 pounds nine months pregnant because I you know because you gained 60 or 70 or whatever. Yeah. And we and it's like the number on the scale should not define our value. Because we're incredible moms and especially the with the amount of trauma that we went through growing up and the role models that we had the fact that we're like doing the damn thing with our kids and good that we're good mothers. You know is incredible and that should hold so much more weight than what we look like absolutely. And you know so we're in this age of technology now where people are bullied on a regular basis online and it's leading to really high rates of suicide for kids and young adults. I took a poll with my followers and over 60% said that they had been online bullied in their life which I was like wow that's a lot. And so then I followed up with another question and I said you know so what do you do regarding you know what do you do after you've been bullied online and you know or how did you feel about it and some people said honestly I barely survived. Some people said the vice president of my high school didn't believe me because she knew the bullies and said that they were in quotes sweet girls. So you know let's see some of them said I cried. You know some people said I ended up crying myself to sleep which is just horrible. You know I let it go I was dealing with a miscarriage and marriage issues depression and anxiety and I had no time to deal with people bullying me online. My mental health needed to come first. So it's like we're in this world where people are so toxic and they're so brutal and they don't realize that people are going through like real life issues. Whether it's their health or their marriage or the health of a loved one or you know motherhood it's just brutal and so Rochelle is actually on a social media break right now. I'm on a day. Initially it was I started October for my 37th birthday I was going to go social media free for a while. And then in November when the fires happened and stuff I went back on social media to kind of like reconnect and see what was you know what people were going through and stuff because I was we were going through stuff not being in our home and all of that. Our home is fine. The neighbors house burned down to nothing I mean but to say that your house is fine and that's it I mean it's been a lot for you guys it's been a lot we spent almost 30 days in two different hotels and now we've won our second rental house and. So we're going through some stuff. those first 30 days in that hotel for like the first two weeks of it she didn't even know of her house was even standing anymore. I mean none of us did it was mayhem here you couldn't really find solid information. So we were going through that and then and so I went back on and I found myself spending a lot of time on when I like kind of like went back and then right after Christmas I decided to take a break again and so I haven't been on since around Christmas. I did go on um so we have a friend who's helping us with our house and um at just out of the kindness of her heart um she's helping us and wanted to do something nice for her my um wants maybe get her some jewelry or something and wants it and so I was like gosh I can't remember for years our pierced so it was a couple weeks I got a few weeks ago maybe a month ago I don't even know now. I re-downloaded Instagram because my accounts are so active I just deleted them off my phone to kind of like not be tempted. So I um I re-down downloaded my Instagram and um you know you're little icon that comes up at the bottom that says how many people fall a few how many comments how many likes and that so I clicked on it you know just as any normal curious human would and then all of a sudden it was just um comment after comment after comment of how um I'm fat and ugly and what is my husband doing with me and he cheats on me all the time and even though I had a nose job it's not a good nose job and he should have stayed with his ex fiance she was better than me um that's kind of the in a nutshell what the one the thing is these people are such cowards that they actually make side accounts because on Instagram if you comment on somebody's picture they you can see what other people are commenting so these people are such cowards that they make side account so that way people can't know how ugly their hearts really are and how and how toxic of people that they really are right and so they go back and forth on your page um you know they like they have no I'm looking at these comments right now they have no profile picture no followers or just like one or two um no post and they follow nobody right and they just go in there to basically be assholes you know like as if their opinion really matters I mean and it doesn't matter but at the same time when you're you know like me you know I'm not feeling the best about myself I still haven't lost all my baby weight you just kind of baby it drives me nuts but I do baby just type of baby she's too she's almost too she's almost too but I I hate that idea of a snapback like a snapback has never been my experience like I'm still 12 pounds up from when I got pregnant with Dakota and she's almost three it's like this whole idea that everybody's body reacts the same to pregnancy like as it's just like a cookie cutter approach everybody's the same everybody should gain the same amount of weight everybody should have the same birthing experience everybody should lose the weight in the same amount of time I mean it's just absurd it's totally absurd and while yes you and I were worse enemies especially when we go to Disneyland because we're like are you getting a true I'm getting a true or were you you know cream cheese pretzel yeah cream cheese pretzel blah blah but but the reality is like not everybody loses the weight in the same amount of time and not everybody can hire a personal trainer five days a week a full-time nanny a chef that cooks for you right all of the things that the Kardashians are doing it's just not reality like it's just not I mean especially for moms who are breastfeeding a ball night dealing with mastitis like you did I mean countless times all of the variations of normal and struggles that we go through don't always allow for a quote unquote snapback which I just think shouldn't be a thing in the first place shouldn't be a thing there's so many other contributing factors to like hating your body for 30 years of your life unhealthy relationships with food or exercise you know I'm I've kind of been one of those people where you know I try diet and I'm hardcore four days and then I have a headache so I need my carbs you know I need a carb now cuz and I was good for four days so I'm just gonna drive through real quick can't get you know some french fries and then it um you know I'm kind of like an all-are-nothing debilitating migraines I do like that's and I can so empathize because unless you've been through it you don't know how actually crippling it is because I've been dealing with migraines since I was in middle school and it's debilitating and the only thing that works for me is a large diet coke and carbs and salty food and a ton of ematrix and lots of other medications I ask why I mean all laparines yes they are debilitating and I wouldn't wish one of my migraines on one of those mean girls that comments on my page because my migraines are that bad so if somebody does call me fat on instagram it hurts and it doesn't matter how much I think my skin to his thickened over the years it stings it's an exposed nerve and it just hurts and I actually cried that day and Eva saw me cry and she was asking me why I was crying and it was hard to tell her that somebody on the internet was mean to me she doesn't understand what the internet is she doesn't know how to work youtube or anything like that she she does you know have an ipad but it only has movies and cartoons that I've put on in music and a couple games she doesn't know what the internet is I mean she knows Ralph's broke the internet but she doesn't get it yeah so you know and when in Ralph breaks the internet because you know we're moms and we kids in movies Disney movies yeah you know he goes into that room where he sees all the mean comments about himself and it's just I mean to put it in a children's movie was just so shocking to me but because that's how real this problem is yeah it's a real problem and it affects you know children lose their lives over it and I lost a couple days over it I mean really I let it get to me um and I got it my you know it really got to me and it was a hard to kind of like come through and all I know is that I can only control me and my feelings and and what I'm putting in my body for fuel and myself care and exercise and I'm trying to set an example for my girls that I didn't and my mom struggled with um body image and eating disorders and all those kinds of things so I learned by example yeah not that not that my mom ever you know my mom never told me about anything like that but I saw I saw her body shame herself yeah and therefore I started to shame myself and it's a vicious cycle and with two daughters I want to try so hard to change myself for them so that because they're gonna get bullied and they're gonna go through whatever they're gonna go through because they already are I mean our girls are in kindergarten and it's already a thing it's just absolutely insane and I think that it is so important early on to change the way our our change our wording around food that food is for fuel and for it's important it's vital you know we need to eat often to keep our body healthy and moving and one of the things that I've done since my kids were little every time I get weighed at the doctor I always say oh your 46 pounds strong oh my gosh your body is so strong I can't believe how strong you've gotten over the last year it's so important now to start these things when they're little because by third grade it's like game over yeah it really is I mean my first grade it was game over for me so yeah you know yeah um it's very important so I did share with I have my experience of people being mean and she felt she felt sad even though she doesn't completely understand and you know I just always try to explain to her that not everybody's the same and then you know some people have short hair some people have long hair you know she pointed out to me one day that a man's belly was big and first I told her you know we don't comment on other people's bodies it's not kind it's okay to observe because we're all different and yeah and kids just see what they see and they say they just say because it's a fact to them and our reaction is so important our reaction is so important and the things we say to them and about in front of them right are so important. I just try to explain to her that we don't come on other people's bodies and that we don't know why his belly is big. He could be sick, he could have a hard time exercising, there could be a lot of reasons why he was where he was. So I just tried to tell make it as teachable of a moment as I possibly could and just really explain to Eva how it's just so important to be kind and to never say mean things and even though sometimes we all think mean things because we do we're reactive human beings. So even though we might feel something or think something we definitely don't say those things. Yeah. Yeah. I've had similar things with Harper where she said something about her and then Gertrude went she said that lady's really old. And I pulled her aside and I said you know we all have those thoughts. Next time can you whisper in mommy's ear and we can talk about it you know. So they're gonna go through that and it's just part of life and it's a learning curve for sure. And I really believe that if we want to change this dynamic that it starts with mothers you know and it starts with the way that we raise our children and to acknowledge diversity not just in weight but in different skin tones and cultures and colors and eye shapes and no shapes and lip shapes and belly shapes and booty shapes and boob shapes and all of that stuff. I think you know there's an amazing movement going on right now where we're in the school system trying to look you know it's been very whitewashed obviously and to acknowledge the diversity of where we live in the culture you know of the US here and um and so I think it's important to talk about and I am just so grateful that you came on here and I you know Rachel is such a private person so I was amazed that she even wanted to do this that's why she was like well Alex will come on and I was like but but I want you to come on um and I am just so grateful for you for coming on and sharing your story and I'm hoping and I know it's not that I'm hoping I know that this is going to help people out there and I I want to turn it back to you one one last time to just get your input on what you think that um that we could be doing you know if you're bullied or and or as a society to stop online bullying and and to help our kids. Oh that's a heavy question I don't have that answer and I wish I did um for me I just had to remove myself from the situation yeah um you know and being that um you know inadvertently a reflection of my husband I can't go to bat for myself I I can't sit there and respond respond yeah um what your initial gut reaction would be to something like that um because then AJ's wife called you a bitch and I can't be the one that called you a bitch so yeah you know and and then you know and his fan base is great where a lot of people do and would come to my defense but I don't want those people fighting with other people and because and then it's just be it's it's just the ripple effect of where yeah now all these other people are involved and all these other people have this negativity um and what's so crazy is that it is all women and I'm sure nine out of ten of these women would consider themselves feminists but then behind their computers they're like talking shit about all of the wives of the backstrips because you're not the only one that gets it um no me and Lauren I would say next wife we get it the worst because we came in to the picture during the social media like yeah uprise um yeah leon gets it a lot because she has different political views than some people um you know so we all we all go through it and we should nobody should have to sit there and on their phone and just defend themselves yeah and defend what what's true to what's true in their hearts you know and but what is not true to anybody's heart is to sit there and to tell a woman that they don't know that their husband cheats on them and that they're fat and ugly and not worthy to be in the relationship that they're in amen you know yeah so I think that the biggest thing that we can do is of course as mothers raise our daughters to be body positive and to um love and appreciate diversity and then self-care self-care and that looks different for everybody some people can just shut it off and continue on and then some people have to take a break you know and I totally acknowledge your process you know for me my one of my biggest things is just being that consistency that my girls don't have yeah um and so that's why I need to be the best version of myself and that best version right now needs to not have the destruction of social media yeah it is a dicting and absolutely is a dicting and it can suck you in and then like your whole day is ruined and gone and and you're not present with your kids anymore because you're so hyper focused on the event like it's like an adrenaline rush and dump and then the rest of the day you feel like crap and I can't even be present with my kids anymore because my head is out in outer space really and the internet somewhere focusing on you know Amanda whatever her name is that has no profile picture who you know says that I'm a fat bitch whatever it is um you know so I just love you so much and I'm so appreciate you coming on today and this was such an amazing and powerful episode and I'm looking over at my producer right now and she's like yeah girls you love it so thank you so much for coming on I'm really passionate and so it is I want to thank Ragham up in coffee for their amazing coffee and treats for all of our guests in our crew today