Ep. 3 | BPD, Boys, and Black Liberation

Intro Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system at the tone. Please record your message when you have finished recording. You may hang up or press 1 for more options. Speaker 2 Hello, it's your bestie calling answer. Damn, is anybody listening? World wow it's been a while since I recorded actually, that's not the truth I recorded the other day and I did not like what I was doing I feel like it's always meteor if you record twice that's what I was telling Someone Like You gotta record like once twice maybe three times it's like it's meteor especially because I come by myself in my room whatever. So this is second time. Second time's the charm, hopefully. Umm, yeah, I'm excited to be back. I'm recording on a Sunday, this holy day, Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to whenever you're listening to this, if you're a mother or if you just carry the responsibility or weight of anything as a woman, Happy Mother's Day to you. Of course, women always do so much emotional heavily. I don't really think we get enough credit for that. So if you're a lady or femme, if you're femme in any way, Happy Mother's Day to you. Love you. So yeah, I'm just gonna talk about my week. I started reading this book called Codependency No More, which is so good. If you are codependent or you know someone who is codependent, please get them to read the book. Or actually that's what a codependent person would do. They would just be like, I really think it may be beneficial for our relationship. Read this book. So if he can, give him to read. If he can't, umm, yeah. I mean, I came into recording this thinking about so many different amazing topics. And as per usual, I've turned on the microphone of my mind has gone blank. So yeah, I like I said, I've been reading Codependency No more. I've been listening to it on the Audible Spotify, which I think is an amazing feature. Like if I wasn't already a reader, I feel actually I really wasn't a reader before this year. I think I took on reading to broaden my vocabulary and now I'm like deep into the Spotify Audible thing and I love it. It gives me so many interesting topics to talk about reading books in general. It opens your mind to a whole different realm of everyday thinking and things you can think about and ponder on and references you can pull from. Because I'm a really big movie reference person. Speaking of movies, this week I watched Legally Blonde. Legally Blonde Legally Blonde is 11, if not my favorite movie of all time. As I was watching it, I was really resonating with the character of Elle Woods. Every single person doubted her. Counselor doubted her. Her friends doubted her. Her enemies doubted her. Her parents doubted her. The guys viewing her at Harvard kind of doubted her, but they wanted her in there. She was hot, so she got into Harvard, but it was definitely way more than her being hot. Like I think that her insurance video of her being like, my name is Elle Woods and This is why she go to Harvard. I feel like that was what solidified her spot because she was so attractive. But I also feel like her other attributes were just as possible as anyone else's. Like her changing from generic to Charmin. Come on, Charmin is, it's the better brand, it's better quality, it's better made. Like only a genius would want to change toilet papers. Like, come on. So I loved listening or watching Legally Blonde. That was like a highlight of my week. But I think one thing that really stuck out to me this week is realizing, girl, get some sleep. Sleep is a crucial, if not one of the biggest indicators of where your mental health is going to be. If you have shitty sleep or you're not getting enough sleep or you're getting too much sleep, you're going to have really shitty days that turn into really shitty weeks that turn into really shitty months and potentially even a really shitty year if you're not getting good sleep. That's why this podcast is sponsored by Ora Ring. That was a manifestation. But I do want to try an Ora ring. So if you have an Ora ring or if you know anyone that has an Ora ring or tried it but you didn't like it, or if you tried it but you lost it, let me know in the comments below what you think of your Ora ring and how it helps you. Because I know that it's one of its biggest things is that it track sleeve and I need that. But yeah, I mean, my mind has just been all over the place. New Orleans Like before we even get into the deeper topic, what I want to talk about on this episode, I have been all over the place. This this past week, I went to New Orleans. As you all know, I'm in love with New Orleans. I lived there for a really long time, like 3 years, almost three years, 2 1/2. And oh, why am I yawning? And yeah, I love living in New Orleans. I felt like my mind, body and spirit was so connected and much when I lived there. I felt like the world was just at my fingertips and creation was abundant and the manifestation energy was all around. I met some of the greatest people on planet Earth. I had some of the best foods, some of the best nights. So much fun. And then I decided to move Houston, which as you all know from every episode ever, I not like living in Houston, but whatever. Yeah, sorry, recently visited New Orleans. My heart was very full. I went to pizza delicious and I walked around in the bio water. I went to Marquis bar, which I love Marquis bar and yeah, I just had a really good time. I kind of had a bit of a level 12 crash out moment on Saturday night and I, I kind of want to talk about it because I feel like why have a podcast if I'm not gonna, you know, be completely vulnerable on the Internet? Borderline Personality Disorder But recently I probably like, it's gonna be a year, gonna be a year next month that I got diagnosed with borderline personality. I got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which if you don't know what borderline personality disorder is, let me go ahead and love a cute little itty bitty description of it for you. And the girl who actually started Bloom Nutrition, shout out to her. She has borderline personality disorder and she was one of the first people that I knew that was like successful, business oriented and just like super driven that had borderline. And I'm gonna let her share her own story about that. Definitely go check it out. I can't really link things all my podcasts, podcasts episode, but maybe I can link it in the description. If I can, I will. If I can't, Oh well. But just look up the girl who started Bloom nutrition. I don't know her name. I can actually look at me. I just looked up the borderline meaning. But anyway, BPD stands for Borderline Personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by emotional instability, intense fluctuating emotions including anger, depression and anxiety, impulsivity and behavior. BPD and dating Engaging in risky or self sabotaging actions such as substance abuse, self harm or suicidal thoughts, distorted self-image, unstable sense of identity and self worth, difficulty in relationship, intense but often chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationship, and cognitive distortions such as black and white thinking, paranoia and suspicious. So I got diagnosed with that last year. And if you're thinking that it's hard to live with, yes, you're correct. So I've just been trying to figure out how to like, navigate dating. I've been talking to a new partner. We're gonna call him for the purposes of this podcast. What are we gonna call him? We're gonna call him. We're gonna call him. I don't know. I feel like we can just call him like vintage man because he's like really into vintage shopping and stuff like that. So yeah, me and vintage man, we've been talking for a while and he's really cool, but he has like nice guy tendencies. Ladies. Like you know how when you meet a nice, a really nice guy and he's not really, he doesn't really know like how to be around other women because like you're like a feisty baddie and you don't want anyone like looking at your man, talking to your man, anything like that. And he's just like a golden retriever and he's super nice. So that kind of happened. Like some things along those lines happened while I was in New Orleans. And it really made me mad. And it made my BBD. And then specifically it made my suspiciousness radar go up. And when my suspiciousness radar goes up, it's not like a regular like paranoia of like, Oh my God, what if he doesn't like me anymore? What if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? Oh my God, I don't know. It's not like that. It's like, Oh my God, like he's been blotting this and planning this all along. He's diabolical, he's evil. Get away from him. He's not safe. You're not safe, you're not in a good space. He's harmful. Like it's, it gets really Eve and like, honestly, if you're listening to this podcast and you're resonating with anything that I'm saying, I will always say therapy is the best route when you have BPD and like you break your 4th wall, especially whenever you know you want to get better and like, you know that this is not what you really want to be feeling. Therapy is the best route Because I think that when I first got diagnosed, I thought that a lot of my actions were normal. I thought that a lot of the way because it's not about necessarily how you feel and feeling like even just like the suspiciousness or you know, the paranoia or black and white thinking maybe like the anger or the fluctuating moods. To me, that's not much is of the problem for me as it is like the and the reactivity of it all. So like if someone is being a way that I don't like, whether that be like disrespecting A boundary, being rude, having an aggressive tone, with me, it's more about the way that I react towards them and less about like the inner mental landscape. Because I think that with a cluster B personality type in general, that inner mental landscape. It's not that that's not necessarily like something that you can change overnight. The only way that you can change that is through awareness. So it's like you're gaining muscle memory, but for your emotional landscape. So like every time I don't flash, flash out or don't pop off or don't say some crazy shit like that's me. Kind of like flexing that reactivity muscle, which then in turn kind of it's like it starts to heal the broken pathways in my brain. And this past weekend or not, I guess today, Sunday, so 2 weekends ago, whenever I was in New Orleans, I kind of had a moment where I was like boom, I was on a level 10 crash out. No one kind of knew. I didn't really discuss with anyone. I just kind of had to Irish goodbye. Which I feel like everyone's mad at me because of that, but it's like, whatever, no one, none of y'all have to live with BPD's. So y'all don't know. Umm, that's another thing that I'm learning about codependency and codependency no more. Which is just like if I think too much about what another person is thinking about me, that's more than likely because of my codependent nature and I need to draw away that and drawback that. So whatever. Me and vintage man, we're fine though. We're still good, we're still going strong. Maybe one day, you know, if it becomes official, then I'll tell you all about him and I'll maybe I'll have him on the show. He's a really interesting guy. He's fun like him a lot. I also like I'm feeling some type of way because like he doesn't, I don't even think he listens to my podcast which actually makes me really happy because I don't think I want him to do my podcast right now anyway because as y'all know, I'm like celibate and everything. So I am just taking my time. We're taking things slow. I really want to feel safe with him and I want to feel like I'm going to get treated right and that my beauty isn't going to take the reins because that's not what I want. Actually, while I'm doing this or while I'm sitting here, I'm going to look up the girl who started Bloom Nutrition because she's actually in a relationship and the lady who made DBT, which is dialectical behavioral therapy, which I tried to start that last year, but I was not with a specialist. DBT I was with a family counselor who was a, she was a specialist in like marriage and family counseling. And she, I'm pretty sure she would have been good for someone else. But like, I just feel like she let me yap way too much and like the hour would just be up and she would just be like, OK, well, next time I see you, you should do this homework. And the next time I see you, we should talk about this. And I was like, I'm not really coming to you. I was going to her like twice a week but it still didn't. The hours just didn't feel like enough. Like I feel like we really should have had like either hour and a half hour and 45 or just straight up two hour sessions. Because I feel like the first hour needed to be me just yapping and the second hour needed to be her going over the notes of me yapping and then us actual doing the DBT. But that's not what was happening. And I'm actively looking for another therapist. A specialist would be really good. So if you hear anything out in the streets, if you know anyone, please comment on the podcast and let me know who I should go to. That would be amazing. And don't say yourself because I don't want to be treated by a listener. Thank you. Also, May is Mental Health Awareness Month. So if you need in any way to be evaluated or if you just need some help or if you need a psychiatrist, please reach out. Check on your friends, Love your friends. You know the drug. OK, let's look up the girl who started Bloom Nutrition. Bloom Nutrition Bloom Nutrition owner, or should I say found. Yeah, Mary Llewellen, she started Bloom Nutrition and she has BPD, which is kind of interesting because like I said, I mean, BPD people are, they're hyperly sensitive. Like I'm a hyper, overly sensitive person, but I also have a lot of works in my personality that would make it seem like I'm not, but I am. So yeah, I'm a very like emotionally complex person. And I've noticed that. I realized that and I allow people to kind of give me their feedback, but I also still have to kind of like stay true to myself and my beliefs and my boundaries. That's the main thing is that like I have to set really firm boundaries or else I kind of just feel like not necessarily that I'm being quote, UN quote, disrespected, but I do feel like if I set firm boundaries and I don't stick to those boundaries myself, it just kind of like books the BPD in a way that is not always great. But yeah, so I had a level 10 crash out in New Orleans that happened. Level 10 crash out in NOLA And I've kind of been walking around for the past two weeks feeling like all of my NOLA girls hate me. But that's fine. Umm, if you're listening to this and you feel like I am saying something incorrect, just let me know. You know, I do have beauty. I feel like I walk around very often feeling like people hate me. And that happens. Umm, yeah. So I went to NOLA. That was a good time. I went to a party outside. I haven't done that in so long. And then I came back from New Orleans and the drive both there to New Orleans and back were just complete. Hell rained the entire way there. Well, not the second day. I was gonna just drive straight through from Houston to New Orleans, but I just couldn't do that. Like the rain was so bad I had to stop in Lake Charles and then again right outside of like Crowley area, Crowley, LA. I had to stop there. I drove the back way through Eunice for most of it because the weather was so bad. So if you're taking a road trip soon, check your weather app for sure. However, on the way back, I listen to an Angela Davis book again through the Audible feature on Spotify and wow, I love that so much. Angela Davis I just thought that everything that she was saying was so relevant to right now. And it was written in 2014. It's pretty much like the book is a culmination of a lot of interviews that she's done over the past. I think at that point had been like 10 years and she had all these different interviews with just the innovators in the culture space. And they talk a lot about what's going on in the Middle East. And I feel like I for a long time walked around very blindly about what was going on in the Middle East. And like, I'm not ashamed to say that because I just ever since I turned on a TV, I saw what was going on in the Middle East. Like I think some of my first memories of watching the news, watching MSNBC, watching ABC, watching Katie Couric report on the news, it was always something going on in the Middle East in these other countries. And for a long time I just thought that that was normal. I'm just being honest. I think I grew up like super ignorant to all the injustices and things that were happening in the world to the point where I genuinely thought that what was going on in other countries didn't concern me. But I think that when you start to listen to her talk about things like the prison industrial complex or what's going on in the Middle East and siding with Palestine and understanding like the implications of that and what that freedom can mean in your own country. Because if you stand or freedom in your own country, then you must stand for freedom in all countries and you must stand or societal freedom and societal, right. It really opened up my mind and it enlightened me to something a lot larger than me because I was living in a very American bubble. And I think the system is designed that way, to be a lot or to be very isolating. It's designed in a way that we're posting that it doesn't bother us or it doesn't pertain to us and we're not involved in it. And what we're looking at now is an amalgamation of all of that. I mean, from the tariffs to what ICE is doing. I just saw that the mayor of New York, I might be wrong. He might not be the mayor, but I think he might be running for the mayor. Not sure of his name. Don't come for me because I do research for these and I write it down frantically and then I lose the notes. So maybe I should just like keep a running tab of every single thing I want to talk about. But if I had to keep a running tab, y'all my my notes section would be crazy, which it should be. But anyways, let me look it up. Yeah. Newark Mayor Ross Baraka arrested for protesting at migrant center Yeah, Trump officials created confrontation led to the arrest of Newark mayor Democratic Congress members who visited his 10th center with mayor say ICE officials created a AUS. I mean, we're looking our country right now, and this is exactly what happens when we don't take the injustices of the world seriously and we don't see it as what could happen to us. But I also feel like I'm getting to a space in a place where I'm realizing that our freedom of speech isn't, it isn't taken away yet, but there are definitely certain things that we can say and can't say. Like, I was at work and I was like, Oh, my birthday is Australia Day, Australian lady. And she told me, she said, oh, it's so interesting that you know that because my birthday is January 26. She said, wow, January 26. I can't believe that, you know, that, you know, a lot of people don't believe that, you know, we should celebrate Australia Day. And it has a lot to do with the way that the country was colonized, the way that it was formed and things like that. And she told me that people are just getting so crazy now, and I don't feel that way. I think that if there is this history behind Australia and like. The culture is no longer proud of it and they're trying to breast past it and they're trying to understand their past but also understand that the things of their past were wrong. Then I don't think that it's crazy for someone to say like, I'm not necessarily going to celebrate that because I understand the implications and the way that it affects human rights and it affects what we as a society need to be moving towards so we can no longer be moving backwards and observing that holiday. Angela David really opens up my mind to that. And this is in 2014. This book was written in 2014. So to think about how much we, I feel like we were on this upward progression here, at least in the United States, just slap back down after all of these years of us learning and growing and understanding ourselves as a collective and understanding the collective consciousness. I just find that the way that we're regressing as society can almost be scary, and it can feel like we're becoming a little bit archaic. Yeah, I feel like it just can become a little bit archaic. And I feel like we as a society should be very concerned. I feel like, especially living in Houston, I don't always talk about living in Houston, but I mean, I really want you guys to understand. Like, I'm living in the Deep South, and I always felt like Louisiana was the Deep South. And I always felt like Louisiana was, you know, this super just like racist and regressive place, which I do feel like Louisiana is racist, especially because I've seen the underbelly of Louisiana. As someone who was in an interracial relationship, I kind of saw the way that things were different in the way that they kind of promoted this underlying idea of us to quote UN quote, like stay with our kind. I had a lot of adults at the time asking me very, like, inappropriate questions that they probably shouldn't have been asking me as a young girl, as it pertained to race and also as it pertained to my relationship and being with someone of a different race. If I really, I could probably do an entire podcast episode about my interracial relationship and how that really shaped my view of the world and people around me and how scary that was at such a young age. But I think that now as I'm getting older, I'm starting to see that these things were not. I used to think that what I was I was experiencing was like one of one to me because I was in this place and I thought that Louisiana was so racist. But I think that Louisiana is racist. I don't think that it's not. I think that New Orleans is definitely a more liberal spot and people aren't like that there. And I think that people in Louisiana are they're racist, but it feels very ignorant. Like it feels very like, you know, forgive them for they know not what they do. Like, I truly think that it's very regenerational, which I don't think makes it right. I just think that it can come off a little bit different. And Houston, because I think that Houston and Texas in general, not only does it feel extremely racist, but it also feels extremely classist, which I feel like those things are definitely built on top of each other for sure. I think if there was like a pyramid and it was like race, then it would be like class. Then it would be, you know, whatever else we can put on top of it as a society. But I do feel like racism in Houston hits a little bit different because not only is it racist, but it almost feels like I'm the help if I work in any form of service industry. Like even if I was a nurse, if I was a doctor, I would just feel like I feel like that slave mentality, it runs very rampant here. Whereas like even in Louisiana, I think in the South in general, I think that, you know, your proximity to whiteness is what can make you quote, UN quote approachable as a black person. And I think that there's still a lot of respectability politics here versus even in Louisiana. It's not really like that because there is that vibrant culture. Like they understand how to like preserve culture also, whereas like it's not like that here. And I think that that's another thing that like kind of shies me away from living here and like why I don't like it. But I said all that to say, like, that's why I feel like it can feel a bit archaic because I do live in the Deep South. And it does just like it puts into perspective for me a lot of the things that I'm seeing on TV, they are happening here. Like I'm seeing like people protest against ice because a lot of these people like that live in Texas. I mean, they're going to like Mexico on the weekend. Like they are like, Mexico is right there. Like it's right next to us. The border is right there. So, and a lot of people come over here and they find work and they find freedom and they find, you know, the American dream and like the ability to raise a family and not feel feel like gangs are gonna, you know, take their kids or all these other things that go on in these other countries that I'm honestly not that well educated on, as I've already said in this episode. But I do know that terrible, awful things are happening there. Like it doesn't, it's not, it doesn't take a blind man to see that they're escaping something. And that's like the issue that I have with a lot of these news stations and like the propaganda and what you might think, like you just think that they're just coming over here to come over here. And it's like, no, they're escaping. Like they're not even necessarily like coming over here. Like some people, if they stay there in those awful conditions, like they will die. So reading Angela Davis has really fired up a spirit of community and humanity in me. And I would say if you want someone who really knows how to talk about this, I would definitely look up Hassan Piker. I am a Hassan Stan. Love him. He is so fine, like I love him. So please look him up if you want to hear more about this. But I think like, I just kind of want to leave it on this note because I feel like I've been having this trend of me having these podcasts that are kind of more on the insightful side and teacher side. And I want to continue that. And I think my next episode is going to be, I'm just so excited. I'm having one of my really good friends on. So stay tuned for that. And I just want to wish you guys love, peace and prosperity. Bye.