Ep. 29 - Righteous Resentment and Grandfather Death

This is no delusion, radio. Good morning, good afternoon. Good evening, good night. Depending where you're checking in from, this is your favorite legendary opinion from our spot. Love from you from no delusion, radio. Real talk. I still don't know the tune, but that's okay. As you can probably hear, I am on my way to town, which is a whole whopping two hours drive as we know by now. And, oh, I just, I didn't even want to even know where this was going to go after I press play, but I wanted to share a appreciation. What am I going to call this? An appreciation reframe. Okay, yes, okay. Appreciation reframe. For the longest time. So, everyone knows I dislike where I live. If you don't know, I always feel bad for the people who have heard it like at nauseam. Okay, so we live in one of the poorest counties in America. This was by choice. I had this romanticized version, romanticized view of what it would be like to live in a fixer upper. And I just thought like we're going to make it amazing. And aside from dealing with all sorts of permit issues that are unsolvable, unfortunately, which is very weird for me in my fucking capricorn brain. I had underestimated, or matter of fact, not calculated at all, what it's like to live remote in a poor place. So, like, if I would live near bozeman or something to drive, it'll be fine. So, I would just look hop at bozeman like twice a week or something. But the live in quality of the nearest places is so low and so bad. And I had failed to calculate that. I assume that I would find like-minded people, which there are, but the like-minded people are working their ass off or going to the other town, which is for them to come one four hours away. So, anyway, so I just like where I live. And then to the like the smallest details, like the floor that in the house that had, you know, a holes in where I could see the chickens walk under the house. I would stop my- I would stop or I would open my foot, break open my foot to the nails of the hardwood floor. We have a new floor now right now. But like there's so many step-by-step small things that I had not- I could have not even envisioned. Resulting in me being- from going like my main base being really grateful and excited to become quite resentful and annoyed and gratitude having to become like this hard-fucking work. Which now in hindsight is actually- by the way, we're going to be moving. But in hindsight it's actually been a great practice. Because like when you build a good life, it becomes seemingly easily- seemingly more easy to become grateful and to create flow and to see excitement because there's a lot of- there's a lot of evidence of that outside of you, right? So now when I constantly feel that the challenge is to- like, you know, I hope you hate it here, how do you get back to the frequency of gratitude appreciation? Not from a form of gaslighting yourself like, "Oh my god, I fucking love it here." Just for the sake of saying like you love it here, but actually truly feeling it while you're constantly being pulled away from that. Or at least that's how it feels, right? So this has been a great appreciation, but where I wanted to go with that. So my husband, you know, is also solution-oriented. He has a very successful business himself. He makes things, he fixes things with his hands like real like custom construction. He's currently building an island and- pardon me, he's been building an island for the last eight months and now he's building a custom bridge to the island. Like- so he's like solution-oriented to the max, right? So bless him. He would suggest things like, you know, maybe you can go to town, you know, every once a week or if you want to go twice a week, and I'm like, I'm fucking- so I'm fucking driving two hours one away just to be near some fucking civilization for one. The amount of effort, time, gas that that would cost. And it's not even that I'm like, look, yes, gas is $5.80 here or $6. It's not even that, you know, I ever pay attention to how much, like, I want, you know, I can't go my heart up. Like that's not the reality element. It's just like- it feels like burning for the sake of burning. And where I wanted to go with this is like, I would feel a sense of insult almost like, how dare you insinuate that I should be- that I should create like these happy moments or content moment, with the most basic shit that my brain should like doing groceries. Like, my brain shouldn't even fucking register that as an activity. Like, how dare you insinuate that I should be create that into something like exciting or blissful or, you know, like a grateful event. And because I was constantly in resentment and in fight with the world, right? That does not mean, by the way, that does not mean that my state of being was constantly in resentful and fighting the world, but it was constantly being told for that. And when you're in a mental space where it's so fucking easy to find things that are bad, because, like, it legit feels like it's almost pulling you the whole day. And only it's pulling you. It's almost feels like it's taunting you. This is where the rubber meets the road. I think that's the American phrase. This is where the rubber meets the road, where you get to, in real, you, and here what I'm saying, you get to in real life practice, where you want your mind to go, where you direct your mind to go. And I am by no means going to pretend that I am not only flaws or perfect, that is it is really fucking hard. But nothing is as hard because I've done experiments. Look, again, I'm a triple fucking capricorn. I approach life as an experiment. I have approached it several times in a matter where I'm like, what's, like, how would I feel? How would things, how would things be if I just let the negativity, like, just let it pull me? Like, what would that result in? So every negative aspect would just pull me and I would just respond to it. I would compound effect on how I feel about things. And then from, you know, the traditional list that I could name previously, I hate the fucking doors because they're all crooked. I hate the fucking floor because it's attacking me. Now I started hating things that didn't call for the hate. And I would be like the rage, the resentment, the anger, the frustration, the annoyance, it would get such momentum. Like, it would literally feel like a train was pulling me. And what the experiment was is that I figured out that if I let that annoyance pull me, it becomes really, really fucking hard borderline impossible. And I'm saying borderline because nothing really is impossible. It becomes really hard to stop it, to redirect it, or to find the good things. And I had to pull out all fucking tools, scales, will, reality because I'm constantly fighting with reality. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have to be dealing with this. I shouldn't have to be fucking grateful for basic necessities in life. And while I look, I still agree with that. And I cannot be leading with that. And mind you, what I say, like, I've never faked my gratitude. Not, I've never faked my lessons here for, you know, the membership and the podcast. Like, I can always pull out gratitude. However, the effort it took was significantly larger than other times. And it's kind of like, you know, when you go off on a roll in regards to like, you know, healthy food or habits or routines, it's not that it's gone. It's just like, it feels way more harder to try to pull it back and actively pull it back than I have to be, to be cautious with how I'm going to work this. Then maintaining the momentum and the habit of the supportive thought, supportive ideas, supportive perspective. And I don't want to, in mind you, I'm not choosing the words, the good perspective, even though that would be appropriate. I don't really care for good and bad or right or wrong. I care for what is supportive and what is not. I don't even care if the thing is true or correct. I just care if it's supportive or not. And like, obviously, a silly thought or thought experiment of that is like, am I the luckiest person alive? I don't know, like, is it true? I don't fucking know. I'm making it fucking true. If you have any, like, symbolic ways of thinking that help you or play pretend, like, is it true? Probably not. Like in an objective reality, is it helpful? Fuck yeah. And I'm blanking right now in an example. So if I'm going to get to an example, I will roll back to that. So anyway, long story short, which is already a long story. So I had to, again, so I went through a whole phase where I'm like, right just like annoyed, like how dare you insinuate that I should like make this thing that should be because my level of, so this is my standard of life before I came here was so high, was so great that I almost, oh my god, I'm going to cry because something else hits me right now. The standard of life that I had before coming here was so high that being grateful, being excited, being energized about life, feeling that life was working for me at all times was so easy. And I know I'm going to get back to that, but it felt like, and I promise you, I'm just going to turn around, I'm just creating a lot of context because I hope that when you find yourself in a similar situation or a situation where you're like, what the fucking fuck that this will remind you or pull you out. The standard of living and therefore of gratitude and appreciation and the feeling and the sense that the world is constantly working legit for me. Not, I have to, I have to try to fucking figure out what could the lesson be in this moment. And sometimes, no, not sometimes, and most of the time not even knowing the lesson in the moment, whereas when you are in a flow, you're constantly like, oh, there's an obstacle, oh, I know this obstacle is going to work for me. Oh, there's like some friction. I know the universe, our God is directing me into redirecting me into the right direction that's going to give me even a better, you know, outcome result, etc, etc. When you, when the majority of your thoughts perspective feel like you're fighting your surroundings, not only will you find, not only are you going to find more to fight, which seems like no one's doubting that, right? But it's, it's feeling, it's starting to feel like you're constantly being punished. And the effort it takes to reframe that, to come back, but oh no, I'm sure somehow it's going to come into a lesson. Like when the flow of life happens that, oh, I'm sure this is going to come into a lesson, feels light. It feels energetic, it feels energizing when you are at odds with your surroundings, that almost feel or can feel like defeating like, oh my God, I know at some point, at some way, this is going to be a lesson, but more, oh my God, I can't wait until I reach that point where I can look back and hindsight and be like, oh yeah, that was the lesson, this right now, I feel, I feel drained, I feel tired, I feel tired of being tired, I feel upset. Long story short, once again, I had to go through a whole several cycles of what I would call, right, just resentment, because everyone would understand if I would explain to them, not that I needed external validation, but everyone would understand if I would explain to them how much I fucking hated it, and why I fucking hated it here, and how hard life here is, and how I, you know, I refuse to be fucking happy with, you know, basic life shit, and that's the poison of anger and resentment and the pull where you're in your righteousness, where what everyone would understand, and it's taking up so much brain effort, brain effort and energy, where even the thought of, there is this, almost addictive seduction to when you look, when you think like, oh, look, is there a better, more supportive thought right now? Yeah, but I don't want that, like there is a, there is a gratification in righteousness. It's almost like if you would want to walk to gratitude, like you would have to pull a bunch of cord, and the bunch of cord pulls you back and it almost feels good, no, not almost, there's a good feeling to righteousness, resulting in, you fucking pump yourself up, I fuck myself up to a point like again, where I, and I can make a whole separate podcast or episode about the experiment, because I journaled about it all, that's not to say that I'm completely out of it, I still dislike my surroundings, and I don't know a week ago, I felt so upset, and of course everything went wrong, that I had a full blown meltdown, like crying, hyperventilating, but, but, but, but, the difference was, were previously that meltdown would result in like rage and anger, this time I just left myself just be sad. I just cried, without feeding the story and the fumes, I just fucking cried, and I remember the moment very, very vividly, where my husband came home, the dog's fucking, I don't know, they, they try to attack, one dog was trying to attack the other, and, um, not only correcting one dog, I'm physically pulling like 80 pounds away from the end, and I'm just like, and I just start crying, and I remember like, previously I would want to scream a yell and fucking cuss, and now I was just like, I'm so fucking upset. And, um, I can see how I can conjure, I can remember it, and what happened, because I didn't let it become anger, or because I didn't let it become rage and resentment, the next day I felt lighter, and I'm like, oh, this is probably what people say when they're just processing, but what you're processing without making it mean something else, this is processing, but where I wanted to go with that, which you got, that's damn it, like I'm fucking, I'm just coming back to the point where I thought I wanted to make, but here we have, here we have, two things. I had to pause my, I think it makes it arrogant, isn't righteousness, I don't know which term, but the term of like, I am gonna fucking be excited about, you know, having to do groceries in semi-civilization, and I'm like, sure, I shouldn't be, I shouldn't have to be, and would it be more supportive if I could, could create it in a matter that it would actually make me excited and happy? And I'm like, yeah, like it would be way supportive, it would be way supportive, the way supportive for my mind, it would be made, the way supportive for my well being, okay, so let's go with the supportive then, right, okay, okay, then two, how can I do that, okay, groceries, annoying, can I make groceries less annoying, again, I love doing groceries, I'm not sure if I do, I'm neutral about groceries, but how can I make it that I love it, well for one to become conscious of the point that now that I'm doing groceries, I am not paying attention. To any money, like I am fucking doing groceries, I'm grabbing anything and everything that I fucking want, I cannot remember the last time that I checked a price tag, how can I make the grocery shopping more, not only enjoyable, but can I make it a turn it into experience where I'm like reminded that there were two-thirds of my life, if not more, 90% of my life that has been, I'm like, I cannot buy everything I want and anything I want, I have to not only buy the cheapest of the cheapest, which probably has most fucking poison in it. I have to be so aware of what I'm putting in my grocery store, in my grocery cart, and I'll probably end up having to put shit back, because I miscalculated somewhere, because I miscalculated somewhere, and now I don't have that, so I get to like, and fuck you, and fuck you by the way, not only do I get to like shop whatever the fuck I want, if I want to like splurge for the sake of fucking splurging, just to give me like a little nobody, I can fucking do that, by the way, food never gets wasted in our house, because either, you know, we eat it, the dogs eat it, the pigs, or the chickens eat it, but can I make grocery shopping an actual experience that is for my benefit, yeah, so now I'm walking around the fucking Costco, being like, I'm a fucking magical fucking fairy, with no limits to my groceries, and I feel so held, I feel so supported, I feel so lucky, I feel so grateful, because I'm actively remembering and reminding what it was like when I didn't fucking have that. Now we're gonna see, we're at the turnaround, sorry that it took me fucking 23 minutes to come back to the turnaround, but I feel like it was needed, it's okay, how can I make it more pleasurable, that way, boom, okay, first one in the pocket, and that's an active, right, what I'm saying right now is an active, it's not a like a thought that I just let pass, it's not a thought that I'm letting pass, like oh yeah, back in the day, I didn't have it so well, okay, but now I'm here, no, no, no, I'm like, and I probably look like a crazy person, because I'm walking in the Costco, and I am looking at the fancy brand name, kitchen paper, by the way, let me tell you a fucking kitchen paper, the fancy kitchen paper, I've never experienced kitchen paper until I came to America, and I remember very vividly where I was, I was in Massachusetts, is it Exeter, yeah, I don't know, I shouldn't know how to pronounce it, fucking fit there so many times, Exeter, and my biker friend who let me stay over, by the way, he lived in a former postal service house, which was terrifying and scary as fuck, super haunted, but fucking glorious, and he had kitchen paper, he had like the fancy kitchen paper, and again, I didn't know what kitchen paper was, right, so I, and he's like, yeah, you grab the kitchen paper, that roll on the kitchen, tear a piece off, and like, you use it for whatever, and I'm like, okay, and then I just like, and so I use it to, I don't know, something spilled, so I use it to clean up the spill, and then I'm going back to the kitchen, I put the water on it and sink, and I tried to like wash and rinse the kitchen paper, and he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, well, I'm trying to rinse it, so, you know, I can reuse it, and he's like, that's not how kitchen paper works, I'm like, well, I've never seen kitchen paper, I have no fucking clue, and this is, by the way, I'm in my, I'm 18 at this point, and the kitchen paper came to Europe, but it came significantly fucking later, and it was like a rich, rich, rich people think, rich people think, so anyway, so now I'm walking in the Costco, and I get, like, the fancy kitchen paper, hypothetically, you could make wet rinse and reuse, if you would want to, because it's like sturdy, right, whereas the cheap kitchen paper, it kind of like, it tears and falls apart, but it's too much liquid, so I'm like walking through Costco, and I'm like, holding the fancy fucking kitchen paper, the big roll, which is like, I don't know, two times more expensive than the cheap one. The fact that I could even buy kitchen paper, because for poverty, kitchen paper is not a thing, fucking use a rag, and put that in your laundry, and reuse the fucking rag, right? So I'm like a silly person walking in the fucking Costco, and being like, oh, yeah, this is the whole experience, I look, I get to buy everything here. Then after the Costco, I go to one of the best vichers in the country we have here, and once again, not only do I love, I fucking love, love a good vicher, I love the, and it's one of those old school, right, whereas everything is in a, behind the glass, is in a, like, what is it called, the tree, that's my language problem, is trying to give it an English sounding name and wondering if that's the English word, I don't think that's English word, but it's behind the glass, and like an actual person asks you, okay, what are we doing for you today, and you go like, I want several pounds of this, I never use pounds because I still don't have a, have a sense of pounds, but I'll be like, I want, give me two hands of, you know, the lunch meat, it give me four hands, like large hands of the bacon, give me, you know, an elbow, shit, I said shit like that, and it's very music today, which is funny on itself, and you know, give me an elbow of like, you know, the New York, give me the ceremony, give me the walk you, like, I'm just fucking shopping, dropping $600, right, no thinking, no wondering, no calculating, like, I'm just fucking doing that, because everything will be used, everything will be enjoyed, so that's the second part, right, third part, can I do something that would actually bring me joy, as an extra, yes, I can go to a cute restaurant where they have like, our favorite desserts, when I'm not at 75 part obviously, and, or I can go to Barney's and Obelies, which is like a big bookstore, and I can just, sometimes I don't even end up buying much, like I might end up buying one book, or use like a journal, because I journal a lot, so it's like stuff that I will be using, or, you know, but I just love being around books, so yes, I can actually, you know, calculate time that I'll be like, just wondering around the Barney's and Obelies, and truly enjoy it, and like, last time I spent $300, not, not one of it was on me, by the way, I got to spend like Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, things that just reminded me, family games for me and my husband, which is, okay, it is for me obviously, but, you know what I mean, it's not like, I went, like, I'm gonna fucking splurge on, you know, book, no, like, I just bought a lot of stuff for us, for my friends, and they gave me so much fucking joy, I love Barney's and Obelies, I fucking love Barney's and Obelies, so I was a third, fourth, and now I'm gonna cry, I already know, I already know I'm gonna cry, I already know I'm gonna cry, here we are, people know, I should have been dead, so many fucking times, I've been sad, I've had guns against my head, I've been, you know, beaten to a point where I was like, I hope I die because it hurts so fucking much, like, please let death come and like, deliver me from this pain, I've had my mom try to kill me several times, like, I'm very intimate with what I call grandfather death, death, and the last time I met grandfather death was in a Texas when I was in the middle of a fucking tornado, and I didn't know I was gonna be in one, and I had whole full fucking spiritual experience where grandfather death and mother of life was sitting in my car, by the way, I know a similar crazy person, if you haven't heard that story, I'm gonna need you to find it somewhere, I might remake that story again, retell it, anyway, I'm intimate with death, and because I'm intimate with death to a point where it's almost external circumstances, and mostly people who try to take my life, so I value the gift of life very much, oh by the way, my mom had like 11 abortions, I was too late to be awarded, like, the majority of the first like 20 years of my life were all, were all about like, people trying to take my life, and that being like a real theme, and just look, I have a deep, deep value for life, and by the way, when people try to take your life, especially people who are trying to have your best, should have had your best intention, there is something happens to you where you, for what I became super self-destructive, but there is this sense like, apparently I shouldn't be living, I shouldn't, I am not deserving of living, and I am definitely abandoned by God, the gods, the spirit world, my ancestors, like I am fucking sped out, the world is against me, and that's the vibe, and this is not where I'm going with it, my point is, I really appreciate the gift of life, and this is where I'm going to cry, when you're close to death, when you're a very familiar intimate with death, you start to look differently in life, I said I was not fucking crime in, you're fucking in, to a point where, like I know, I know for a fucking fact that when grandfather death is actually going to come visit me and pick me up, like for realsies, I know that I'm going to wish, that I could drive one more time, that annoying drive to the chorus restore, for two and a half hours one way, I am, aren't the big things going to be remembered, 100 fucking percent, but I'm going to miss the small things, I'm going to miss this one, I'm going to miss driving back from groceries, or even fucking driving back from the postal office, which is like only 20 minutes, and coming home, am I dark, being so fucking excited to see me as if I have been gone for months, that's what I'm going to miss right, when grandfather death visits me and comes pick me up for realsies, I'm going to miss, I'm going to want to reel in one more fucking time, what it was like to come back home, even annoyed to my husband, and my husband making the stupidest fucking dad joke that I've heard five million times, and I'll tell him oh my god you're so dumb, but and I mean it's like when I say that, yes his humor is super stupid and it still makes me laugh, when grandfather death is coming to pick me up for realsies, I'm going to wish, that I get to do those things, those annoying those silly those stupid those seemingly meaningless things, I'm going to wish that I could do the one more time, so right now, so the fourth, I'm going to have a challenging time, and by the way I am not flawless of this, I am not perfect at this, there's plenty of moments where this feels so far removed and it feels like I have to climb the fucking Mount Everest and fucking flip-flops, where I like I could definitely use some fucking God's grace and get better at this even more, and maybe, hey maybe just maybe, maybe the reason of all this fucking you know shooting this right now is so I get to practice this even more, maybe that's you said, maybe that's fucking good, so I'm anchoring this to myself, and I'm anchoring this for everyone, let's think, shit I might have to make this a public podcast, whoo, because there's going to be a moment in time, fuck there's going to be a moment in time where I don't live here anymore, and I'm going to think back, like oh my god, I maybe not miss this road, but I'm going to be like oh I remember driving that road, blah blah blah, like I remember I like, yo, so with that being said, perhaps that's just why I'm here right now in this environment, and so I can learn, I can honor, I can anchor, and I can deeper my appreciation and gratitude, so my righteousness resentment that's shorter and shorter to a point where it becomes perhaps nonexistent, where I don't have to, where I decide constantly that the resentment cycle that I'm here right now and that moment can just be five minutes instead of fucking five hours or instead of fucking five days, that I get to practice my how do I show up in integrity, where I'm actually fucking angry at the world, and look I am legit getting better at it, how do I just fucking cry, because and feel sad, because today feels really fucking hard, instead of feeling like the world is not only against me, but like it's trying to fucking punish me, how do I show up with the memory, because I've met grandfather debt too many fucking times, how do I honor grandfather debt without him actually having to fucking visit me, maybe that's the fucking lesson, so right now as the sun is coming up right now, the sun is coming up by the way, well I was driving right now and like pitch black dark and I'm coming, the sun is coming up right now and I'm driving up the mountain, so I'm above the floor cloud and it's fucking gorgeous here, whoo, all the shit I've got to sound worse, I'm worse the more I fucking cry, so maybe that's the lesson, I'm gonna make this into a public podcast too, this is a part of no delusion radio my membership, episodes are usually not that long, I need you to be in this membership, because I keep it real, I walk through real life lessons, real life gratitude celebration moments, I walk through reframes, belief systems, I do time traveling, anchoring, current moment, unpacking how to stop fighting with reality, in real time and in hindsight, I retract, like share lessons that took me 10 years, two weeks, one day to learn, you need to be in my membership no delusion radio, and if you're listening to this in semi-real time, I have a program come up momentum, called momentum, we start February 4th, if you're listening to this in high end, and you know in the future is going to be still available, just not the life aspect, but momentum is all about re-learning, undoing the punitive aspect of discipline, like it's torment, like it's torture, like it's hard, like it's something against you, and really zooming in, and again I'm the fucking queen of it, I'll teach you how discipline becomes a concept of excitement, of empowerment, of energy, instead of it becoming, it's instead of it being like, oh my god, I have to fucking do this because someone said so, oh my god, I'm looking, I wish, oh my god, I wish I could chew this, I'm right now at the top of the mountains, and I could see the valleys, and there's a big floor cloud at the bottom of the valleys, and the sun has come all, how could anyone say that the gods don't exist, what this, the one this is here, oh my fucking god, I have a car camera so I actually might pull up just the footage of driving up and down, anyway, and I'll be opening my books for one-on-one sessions again, and customers, and clients, and students, this has been kind of harder for me because my, you know, my mentor will be like, what do you have to client with, and I'm like, I cannot give you a curriculum, because life is the curriculum, clearly, I have the beyond, I have beyond the receipts of life, of success, and I know that life is too dynamic for me to be like, okay, I'm gonna help you with this one thing, all I know, and all my former and current clients know that everything I touch turns into fucking gold, not because I have some fine-of-fucking-secret, but because the standard of life is to operate in a certain way, and we're raising the bar, and also, you know, I've been a fucking former world-famous dominator, it's also with you, into like, your silly shit with the most love, not in a bully way, but with the most love, I'm like, yo, this is not work for you, we need to work on that. Like, this is a blind spot, it keeps spiraling in there, let's work on that, because usually, what we think we need to work on is rarely the thing we need to work on, and I'm gonna give you my personal example, like, I used to think that I need more business strategy, what I needed is more capacity and energy, like, more expansion, energetic expansion, that's what I needed, I need to expand, I need to regulate it in a different manner, I needed to utilize my, the limited energy I have in a different manner. So, books are open for one-on-one mentorship, this is one of you want to want to call it, DM me, Facebook me, Instagram me, email me, send, send smoke signals, whatever it is, comment, and we'll get started, anyways, no delusion radio, momentum, and one-on-one, available, and yeah, what's fucking going on, the fuck, our life is good, thank you grandfather, the death to show me the way, to show me the, show me what it's like to meet you, and how this is all working for me, thank you gods, I live in fucking America, by the way, I live in fucking America, y'all, hey, see y'all in the next episode!