Ep 271: Mark Normand & Sam Morril - Might Be Drunk

Hey everybody we're here solo solo app nice. I like a solo app. Yeah no pressure no dead weight I can burt, Karola, Adam, we get it. Your comedians. No I'm just kidding. Now it's good to sometimes we we have should we want to go back and forth with and we hold it because you know you want to be a good host. Yes of course but hey it's 28 degrees out which feels it feels like I know it's like feeling great. I know I love it I walked around and got some set on my chest. I walked a couple miles the other day and it was fucking freezing but you throw some long johns on your phone. I mean you kind of feel good after a while. Yeah but that prick punk Satani Phil he fucked us six more weeks of winter. Oh yeah. For that damn groundhog that fat furry cunt. You were talking about that Chevy chase doc. What do you think? Well I watched the Mel Brooks and I got to watch Mel Brooks. Mel Brooks is crazy so cute and likable and fun and then Chevy's like prick asshole Gentile. It could be a more opposite. I was in a green room of a comedy club and we're trying to get the game on and it wouldn't go through all we had was this shit. So we were watching the Chevy chase thing and I was like you know you're not even going to try to be like I know I know but they showed two sides of him. His wife was like I don't know what you guys are talking about. He's the sweetest man. He when I was pregnant I was ill and he nursed me back to hell alone. He loves his daughters. So he's clearly got some issues. I'm not sure how I feel about all these docs coming out where like the person the doc is about is involved in the doc. Yeah it's like a PR thing. Yeah. Is that what it is? Well it's also though but it's also weird when it comes out just when they die and then you're like did he molest that person. You know it's like it is weird when either way it's weird. It's like the Bill Mar point. He's like it's called Alan versus Pharaoh. It's all Pharaoh. Yeah. We don't hear what he Alan side. He was in the episode about Epstein. He died. We didn't get to hear enough of his ideas. He was on the list. Yeah. Who is it? There's more people not or there's more people off the list and you're giants. Yeah. That was crazy. Did you see Lewis Gomez's on the list? He's actually on the list. And David tell. And David tell what? Well they went to a comedy show and that was the lineup. That's hilarious. Yeah. So the worst part I hear that Lewis called him a real ass dude. Damn that's a hilarious cheer. What do you got? Vodka soda, gin and tonic. What is that? What is it? Tequila soda. That's nice. That's good. Yeah man. That's fucking it. The Steve Tish one is like the giants have had a rough 10 years. That's it. Yeah. It's also how did you see the thing that he wrote? The email was like he asked if prostitutes were pros or civilians. Whoa. And it's he's claiming it's adults. But it's like do you know how many horrors you're banging? If you're calling non-horse civilians. You're just like, oh, you're a civilian. Okay. That's true. And did he do it like a draft? You know, like I'm gonna pick her. She's got experience coming in here right out of college, right out of high school. You let's say quango. So he's not picking good horse. Tight end. Okay. But hey, wow. Look at these files. My god. And Elon Musk. Do you see that one? Yeah, he wasn't cool enough. They're like this guy's an nerd. But it's the funniest email because first off, I think it was Christmas morning, which is when you 13 kids and you're sending that email on Christmas morning. But also he wrote, I want to go to your wildest party. What's like, dude, if he didn't know, how fucking funny would that be walking into that shit? Right. That's like a comedy. You show up and you're like, oh, fuck. And then a storm hits. You can't get out. You're just hanging out with kids. It looks just like his Christmas morning. That's true. Yeah. More gifts though. Yeah. Damn. That's crazy. Yeah. Elon didn't get the invite, which hurt. But I'm sure he's glad now. Exactly. You want to be, you want to be thought of? You want to be thought of. Yeah. It's like a wedding. You want to be invited to the pedophile island. You just don't want to go. Exactly. Say with a freak off. I'd love to be invited to a freak out. You'd be nice. Yeah. I don't want to be like to be Leo and Jay Z. That would have been the fun part. Yeah. They're banging kids. We're just like, so tell me about passing on boogie nights. That must have been crazy. Yeah. Yeah. I was watching your, I got the special the other night. Oh, fantastic. Thanks, man. And your consent bit is kind of like this. Like sometimes I like to just get consent. Well, that is a big part of it. Like I think that's a lot of people's ego, right? We're like, you just want to know the person would fuck you and then you're like, I'm good. Completely. Especially as you get older. Oh, yeah. Cause you don't have to do the morning. You don't have to let her down. You don't have to finish in two seconds. There's only downsides mostly. I just think of the afterwards part. Now, the older you get, you're like, there might not be a round two. So true. Let me think about is she going to be cool to watch a movie? Is she going to be cool to like, you know, is it going to be like arguing like, how about this one now? No, no. Yeah. A movie. Well, you thought further ahead than I did. Was that a fire escape? How do I get out of here? Is that a wedding ring? Fuck. Yikes. Yeah. But it's true. I mean, that's an age thing. The older you get, the more you think about the future. Yeah. Cause then when you're young, you're like the present. You're living in the present. You just want to get laid. Yeah. True that. When you're older, you're like, ah, this is going to be a lot of work. You just think, you think through. You think like, is this person a good hang? I would gladly fuck someone with a terrible personality back in the day. Totally. But now you're just like, I have to be around this. I don't know. I know. What am I kidding? I'm still fucking awful person. Yeah. I've seen your role a dick. What's damage goods? What's today? Got that? Oh my God. No, you could keep it. It's fun. The best part of that story is that she hit me up. And she was like, you have to confront him about that. I was like, and I can't. He's like one of my best friends. Can you tell the story? I'm thinking of another story. Oh, well, it's a story from a past app. It was a woman who was, you know, an interesting character. It's just a character. I enjoy her. She's fun. I like a character. I like a personality. Yeah. All right. But she was, there was a lot of a spunk and she got mad at Mark. He got that right. And Mark, she got real mad that we were making jokes about it on the podcast. She claims my story wasn't accurate. I think it was pretty on the money. I don't remember. I was drunk when I told it, but, you know, and then she called me and she goes, you need a confront Mark for calling me damaged goods. And I was like, nah, I can't. He's one of my best friends. And then she goes, well, you have to, you have to say something, maybe like hit him if he does it again. I was like, nah, no, no, he's like, he said he's one of my best friends. And then she goes, well, if he does in the future at least tell him not to. And I was like, I'll think about it. All right. Well, this is kind of confronting. This is a form of confrontation. But I don't know you, ma'am. I'm sure you're a nice man. That'll settle it down. The lady. I don't know you, old bag. Yeah. She's younger than me. Civilian or a whore. I don't know what she is. It's a villain. It's a villain. It's a villain. Let's put that in the book. I'm just joking out of you. Good, good, nice lady. She's a good person. And I have no idea of your past. History or damage or goods. Yeah. So just joking around. I'm damaged goods. We all are good human. Yeah. I'm sure it'll work out in the end. Yeah. That's good. It's gonna be fun. We'll get her on. I always think of the. I love it. A woman who's got like, you know, some femme fatale on her. Oh, sure. Yeah. I love it. I always think of Mitchem and out of the past where he's like, you're like a, you're like a leaf that flows from one gutter to the next. Wow. He's not gonna help either. That's not gonna help. I started to Mitchem biography holy shit. Unreal. Really? I watch this. No, it's a book. It's from, he's from Bridge, it's huge. It's why he's from Bridgeport, Connecticut. It's called Baby, I don't care, which is awesome. Yeah. From Bridgeport, Connecticut, the roughest fucking part. Yeah, you know. I mean, that's a rough part of town. And I think Kevin Nealins from there as well. Oh, wow. Yeah. How about that? New special, by the way, great comedian. Check out Kevin Nealins, new YouTube special. Love Nealins. But this book, Robert Mitchem, like dude, is Dad died super young. You're actually Nealins. Oh, okay. But he crazy fucking life story. But dude, his dad died super young in this mechanical accident, whatever. And then he's like dealing with the mom dating Drunks and stuff. He leaves home at 14 and becomes a box car hobo. Wow. And he's like studying people on the train. Like, that's how he learned to act. He's studying people. And he's like picking up mannerisms, getting fucked up on the train at 14. He's popping in the new cities. I mean, like his life's a fucking movie. Hell yeah. I love that. He's just a cool motherfucker. Wow. That's unbelievable. That's so Americana romantic. Oh, dude. I mean, it was hell though. He's like, we'd be freezing on the train with smoke and weed, which weed back then. I'm sure you don't know the fuck you're getting. Devil's grass. Yeah. And smoking weed back. It was like doing heroin, I think. Totally. It was the whole different world, reef or madness. Oh my god. Remember that horse? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are they going to sleep with black men? That was the big guy. That was one of the symptoms of weed symptoms or whatever side effects side peace. It's like I haven't seen any of these. I haven't seen out of the past. I don't know. That's the past is one of the best. Really? I listen to the bad guy. That's a fucking great movie. Kate fears all the original. Yeah. He's in the new one too. What? Yeah. I didn't catch him. Yeah. He's a lawyer. He's a lawyer. Friends of Eddie Coil. I think I see that. Great book too. Fucking amazing. 73. Yeah. I've seen this. Night of the Hunter is a fucking 10 out of 10. Yeah. He's awesome in that show. Okay. Yeah. He's good to play in a bad dude. Well, yeah. Yeah. Run. One good thing about the Epstein list is every comic we know has an Epstein joke and you're like, seven years ago, is this and then a new file comes out and you're like, my joke is relevant again. - That's how selfish comedians are. - And it's a great topic, 'cause it's like relationship bits where like, you know it's gonna, people are gonna connect with it. - Right, yeah. - I think everyone's aware of it. No one's pro-pito, I guess a few people on that list, but most people are not, and no one's gonna admit it, so you laugh. You pretend, those guys probably laugh, even like, "Ah, that's a good one." - Yeah, I laugh the hardest. - Well, that email doesn't come out. (laughing) - And like Stephen Hawking, I get to make one of a guy who's paralyzed, 'cause he's a peto. - Yeah, and he's dead. - And he's dead, so win-win. - Apparently he liked the Midgets. - The Midgets? - Nah, he was a Midget guy. - That's nice. - I guess. - That's one of those who have age. - Well, I don't know, I don't know about that. - I get some behind, you can't really tell. (laughing) - They're the pubes. Yeah, but. - Damn, that's, both's nice to know. Everyone's got their fetish, right? It's good that there's a group that's desired. - Yeah, that's true. - I'm sure they're not thrilled. They're like, "Yeah, you're not our type." - No, no, but he's still, well, woman wants a guy taller. - You're not gonna be taller in a wheelchair unless it's a Midget. - That's true. - Oral from a Midget. That's a low blow. All right, to hate it. (laughing) But yeah, Chevy Chase, they get into why he's such an asshole and it's pretty fascinating. - Yeah, like, we'll give me some. - Well, he was beaten as a child, beaten quite badly. - That'll do it. - Yeah, and he's like, he keeps, he's, he confesses. He's like, "I'm wildly insecure, so when someone comes at me, I go at them times 10. I got a short fuse, I'm crazy." - Interesting. - Yeah, so. - But he could, he was just such a prick. - He was a prick and I never was a huge Chase guy. - Me neither. - To me, like, fell down, which that wasn't my favorite kind of comedy. - It was cartoonish. - Yeah. - I was, I was connected way more with Bill Murray. - Me too. - He was kind of like the cool dick. - Love Bill Murray. - Like, he watched Groundhog Day, or movies like that, or Ghostbusters. He's just the cool guy who's kind of a dick and so fantastic. I just thought that was a more fun character. - Agreed. Well, did you hear what Tarantino said? - What? - Tarantino said, "I'm a Chevy Chase man." And the other guy who he was interviewing was like, "I'm a Bill Murray man." He's like, "I like Chase better because he stayed a dick through the whole movie. Bill Murray's a dick and then learns." He's like, "Fuck that. You're gonna be a dick." - It's called an arc. - That's an arc. - I mean, I don't mean a fucking, you know. - A Norman. - You know, Tarantino, I think he's got, he understands movies, but. - Oh yeah, I think an arc is, I was watching as good as it gets the other day. I love that he, he doesn't totally soften, but he softens like just enough. - Yes, yes. - He's still a dick, but he becomes a little nicer. You need a fucking arc. - There's a solution, it's a movie here. So that was Tarantino's dick. - So which one do you put higher on like the Pantheon being like, "Oh, this guy had the better movies?" - I would say Chase opened, I mean, Christmas vacation, regular vacation and Caddy Shack are lights. - All of them. - Unreal. - For sure. - Fletch. - Fletch, I'll give you a flesh. - Fletch is good. - I better than like Rushmore. - Well hold on, but Bill Murray had great ones too. Ghostbusters, what about Bob Groundhog Day, Stripes, Caddy Shack? - I'll give you another underrated Bill Murray, quick change. - Quick change is great. - I'm not even underrated. - But my point is Bill Murray kept going. Whereas Chevy Chase went into like cops and robbersons, man of the house, foul play, you know, he had some real stink of roost towards the end. Where Bill Murray kept going. He kind of reinvented with Rushmore, broken flowers. - Lost in translation. - Yeah, not to mention all the West Anderson shit. - Exactly. - The real Ten of Bums. - Rush, well yeah, Ten of Bums, he's great. Hey, Coltrane. (laughs) - I love a bank robbery movie, dude. - Yeah, this is a great one. - That's great. That's New York too, 80s New York. - Yeah, wasn't it Randy Quaid too and that? - Yeah, that's right. Randy Quaid's all over shit. - He is good. - Yeah, I was watching, I mean, dude, he's in so many movies, you forget. He just. - Independence Day. - Yeah, fucking last detail, and Nichols. - Oh yeah, yeah. - It's in the last picture show. He didn't fucking even. - He's underrated funny and he kind of went nuts. He went like, "Cue it on." - Yeah, he went on Nutty. - Yeah, some people go Nutty. - You're around long enough. You're gonna see some people, really? (whistles) - I had a thought. - Fine. - And that on me here. - Sorry. - Hit me. - You know, sometimes if people in your life you write off eventually, you're like, "I just can't be around them anymore." - Yeah. - They just went nuts. - Or you have them around in like a big group. - Yeah. - I can't handle them one-on-one. I'm having people over. Invite this guy. - The buffer. - You know he's gonna drink too much. You know he's gonna be annoying, but you're throwing some other, and then, but then you see people and they're just like, "What happened to that guy?" I'm like, "Sorry about that." - Yeah. (laughs) - I mean, you throw a pick for me in that conversation. - Right, he right. But then I had a realization, I'm that somebody for somebody else. You're that somebody for somebody else. People are like, "I can't be around Mark anymore. It's too bad." - Right, right. - That's why we're old Ari's wedding. (laughs) - I was orangish. - Yeah, yeah. - He was a-- - It just appears. - There's a built-in buffer 'cause the whole wedding people-- - Yeah, dude. - There's, there's truth to that for sure. I mean, people do, a lot of it's booze. A lot of people I know that are hard. It's, they just can't handle their liquor and they don't know when to stop drinking. - I, yeah, but now I think it used to be booze and it shifted to politics. - That's true. - Yeah, people like-- - Because sometimes you get a combination. - That's true, that's true. Yeah, which is the worst. But, some people go hard this way. - Politics seems like it's more on social media, though. I think it, like, if you're watching it, coming over to watch a game, it's more like, you agree to not do that. - Agreed, agreed, yeah. - It's less face-to-face, I think. - Yeah, yeah, but I guess we're so online that politics seem like reality. I mean, I'm sorry, social media seems like reality. - Totally. - But there's the flip side of that, too, where you're somebody's don't invite that guy, but also that guy might have changed and said don't invite that guy. You didn't change, they changed, and so you're not the crazy one. They kind of went crazy, so they wrote you off. Does that make sense? - I'll tell you one, too. It's some people that get a little success. They become so fucking insufferable. - Painters. - I was supposed to do a benefit with a good friend of ours. It won't be named, but he's a pretty good friend of ours. And I heard that some comics that she won't do the show 'cause she goes, he's a Nazi. And I was like, "Well, I'm friends with him." - Oh, wow. - I don't think I'd be friends with a Nazi. - Yeah, good point. - And I was like, "No, he's not." And she was like, "I'm not doing any." And I'm like, "He's doing a charity thing." - Yeah, right. - You know, it was one of the things I was like, "What?" - A Nazi. And also, the left's got to stop calling people Nazis. And the right's got to stop calling people domestic terrorists. Domestic terrorists is like a guy got shot in the street and like, "He's a domestic terrorist." Like, "No, Timothy McVeigh is a domestic terrorist." This is a nurse or whatever. - Yeah. Let's talk about ice in the sky, 'cause that's the light one. - Just so I need to compare it to Nazi. - We don't come here because we know we can get an escape. We're like, "We're going political, guys." - And look, I think what you will, I'm just saying domestic terrorists, the dirty citizen isn't accurate. - No, it's certainly not in that case. That was-- - And say, "Well, Nazi." - Yeah. - "City-Sweeney's a Nazi." It's like, come on. - That was crazy, too. - What are we doing? - Yeah, Nazi, Jesus Christ. - I know, I know. Why always say, if you got a-- - I'm like, "Is that why I'm so attracted to her?" (laughing) - If you got to up it, then it's something's bullshit. You know, like if you wouldn't say like, "Christ Brown killed Rihanna." Now, he beat the shit out of her, but it's killer. But if you have to say killer, now you make the-- You know, you get it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're none of us around boy with that. - That's why I got so mad about the BBC when they're like editing Trump shit. I'm like, he says crazy shit. - Yeah, you don't have to edit it. - You don't have to edit it. - Right. - You know, that makes it look-- Then he gets to go, "They're editing all my shit." - Yeah, no, it's hilarious. I mean, there was someone from ISIS died, and they were like, he was a thinker, a reader. - No. - I think it was BBC, and you're just like, you could throw a negative adjective in there, too. He's reading the Quran. He's thinking about a bomb. - Yeah, it's all ridiculous. I mean, it's like the way that, you know, it's supposed to, the news used to be the news. Now, there's so much opinion wherever you go. It's tough. And then if there's not a opinion, you still know who owns the network. - Yes. - So you know the influence, it's tough. It's tough to get your news now. - It is, it is. And then everybody goes, "We'll have the neutral news." And you start watching that. You're like, "This is actually starting to pick a blame, too." So you can't win. That's why I just assume, and I make snap judgments, and I run off emotion. - Yeah. - I just get-- - No, no, I know. I know. How was stress factory, man? Bodega Cat, whiskey, now it's stress factory. - Yes. - Now it cobs in SF, now it, all these clubs. I mean, it's exciting. And we're about to be legal in Illinois. So here comes fucking Chicago, Mochifers. - Oh my god. - That's fucking big time. Chicago, it means hit us up. We already got hit up by a lot of restaurants and stuff, so-- - That's Schomburg improv, two zanies. Maybe it's Chicago theater. Illinois's got a sound. - Three restaurants hit us up to our buddy Howard, and then, yeah, so many options there, man. - Well, stress factory was awesome, but a couple things. - Yeah. - It's an hour, it's an hour and 10 minutes away. So I always think that. So then I leave too late, and every night I was late. - I always leave too early. And then I was hanging out with Vinny. - Oh yeah. - This is even worse. I'd rather be late. - Yeah. - Santa, and I love Vinny. He's a fun guy. We had a great talk. He wouldn't let me leave. But so I was late, so you're like-- - You're late, so then he's like, I'll go up and do some time. - Exactly. - Which happened. - You've really fucked your audience on that one. He's doing crowd work now, and he's like, what was that? - I know, he's deafened one here, but he won't hear this. But he had one-- - You're hearing it in his right ear. - He had a great line, though. He does it at the end of the night, where he's like, he goes back up after I'm done, and he goes, all right, guys, a couple of announcements in a guy gets up and he goes, sir, sir, I'm doing announcements. That's so rude, sit down. The guy goes, I gotta pee, he goes, I'll be two seconds, just sit down. The guy's like, all right, all right. The guy goes back to his seat, sits down, he goes, so if you have to go to the restroom now's the time. - That's great. - Great, great, gag. Worked every night. - He's got some great stories, dude. - He does. - He's got some great stories to hold us, so he's seen it all. - Yeah. - God, geez, Draldo. - He died at club, next door. - Oh, brutal. - Crazy. - I think about that every time, legend. - But yeah, we had a, it's some real townies in there. Like you want to go do America. - Go do the fucking stress factor. - Your bonds week? - Oh yeah, oh yeah, you got some real. - It's Rutgers. - Yeah, it was like a J6 out there. I mean, it was wild. But with great crowds, great time. Not offended by anything. But here's the clinker. - Yeah. - So my beamer, as you know, famously broke down on the New Jersey Turnpike last year. A guy, let me house it at his house. My mechanic went over to that guy's house, got the car, fixed it, it took weeks and weeks. And he goes, all right, I gotta get your car off my shop lot here. How about this? I'll bring it to the stress factory. I'll watch the show, we'll have a drink, and then you drive the car home. And I said, perfect. So he comes to the show, he brings the car. Now he goes, here's the keys. Your gas cap is frozen. So I put enough gas in to get you back home. - Two, there's no heat. - What do you do when the gas cap is frozen? - You gotta just heat it with like a heater for like 10 minutes, but I'm not gonna do that. I don't have a heater. So he's like, I filled the car, dude. - Thank you, thank you, 1973. - It's a great pick, two cell keys. - Yeah, time square. So I go, okay, and he goes, here you go. And by the way, this is a summer car. This thing, he's a mechanic, who's like a car guy. He races cars. He's like, this was not easy to get here. So good luck. So I was like, okay. So we do the two shows. I'm drinking heavily, whatever, putting them back. We're taking a cap, we're taking a cap. And then I'm getting paid at the end. We say buy to the staff, we take a big photo, drink, drink, drinks. But now it's like 1 a.m., Vinny tells four stories. Now it's 130 and I'm like, oh no, I gotta bring the car back, I forgot. So Vinny's like, I'll drive you back. He just keeps talking, like fuck. So now I'm shit faced. The car's, he's like, he's gonna take 10 minutes just to start it, 'cause it's so cold out. You gotta like run it, run it, run it. - Fuck. - Then he's like, but don't use all the gas when you're starting it, you know? And then he's like, and there's no heat. So I had to get a blanket from the stress factory. I'm wearing gloves. I'm in the car. I'm in a garage at like two in the morning drunk. Like, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it, did it? - And you were alone. - I'm alone, just letting it run. And you know, it's a long stretch back on that turnpike, all alone in the dark. And just to cap it all off, I have no insurance. No, what's it go, what do you call that? Registration. So I'm riding dirty. So I'm drunk, I'm riding dirty. And it's two degrees outside. I've got a blanket and gloves on and my teeth are chattering. And it's-- - Just picture you turn in the keys and explodes like in casino. - I wish. That would have been easier. - But you would have some heat. - Yes. - Jesus. - So I get that puppy on the road and that was a long, shaky ride back in New York City. - So now you're at all regret getting this since you can't really drive it? - Nah, 'cause in the summer, I mean, that thing on the west side highway with the wind in your hair, there's nothing better. But-- - What's the airbag situation in some of that? - No airbag, no seat belts and no power steering. Yeah, this is what I wish would have. - Throw it in the water and it was wearing too. - It was in a pink bomber. - Oh, man. Oh, yeah. - This is good. - I was so big, Sam almost drank me. But I was skeptical. But, yeah, I got home at like 3.30 in the morning, just like did the cars or trucks are like, "Rrrr, rrrr, rrrr, get off the road, asshole." And I finally pulled that thing in a lot. And you're like, "Pull your hands off the wheel and like, froze into the wheel." - He had no heat in there. - No heat, no heat. - Brutal. And if I know Mark, no plates, no insurance? - Yeah, I sent all this. I said, "No heat, no plate, no insurance." - No, no, no, no, no, no. - Which is, yeah, it's insane. - Yeah, so yeah, I got it in there. - We were going for overstatement. I could go into the, really bring it home there. - I was searching for a video. - And then, you know, I finally get home and the wife's like, "How'd it go?" And I'm like, "Good, I made it." She was like, "All right." So, the car is safe. - That's cool, man. I had a crazy thing happen to me yesterday. So, you know, I plan this comics basketball league every Sunday when I'm home. Our boy JP McDade, we're playing a game, goes up, drives to the hoop, ruptures his fucking patella. - Oh, patella, what's that? - Ney. - Ney. - Ney is like, "It's looking bad." And it's one of like, "I watch enough basketball. We're getting older, you know, that's fucking bad." - Oh. - Like, we didn't know that's what it was, but I was like, "This ain't a sprain. This is fucking serious." 'Cause he's down and he's in pain and he's tough. He's not, you know. - Sure. - He took it better than fucking some NBA players, I've seen with this. - Yeah, LeBron. Whoa! - That's flagrant, so I gotta control it. - And then, but yeah, we had to fucking carry him to the, Jeff Sirouli, thank God, drives us to the ER - Whoa! - To the hospital. - It's gonna have to get surgery. I mean, it's fucking serious. - And JP, six, six, I feel like, he's trying to-- - He might be in his story, okay. - His head's out one side of the window. His legs are out the other side of the window. - Dude, that's the worst, the best part is, he's down on the ground and someone's like, "Someone get ice from the bodega." One of the comics runs out, grabs ice, from the fucking sidewalk. - Oh. - Like, actually, ice. - We're like, "No, that's not." - Oh, man. Look at Sam, look at the angel of death right here. God damn, he's about to take his soul. - Poor Jake, 'cause these tall guys, they shatter, like, mess. - Well, no, no, he's that, but he's-- - But he's like a pretty strong tall guy. - Sure, sure. - That was sudden picks. He was fucking hit in me. But he, we get in there, he's in a wheelchair. The guy is a fucking idiot. The guy's pushing him. And you know, JP 67. - 67. - So he's like, just wheeling him. JP's legs elevated. The guy's not looking. Just bangs him into a fucking-- Oh, God, he's like, my leg and the guy's like, "Oh, my bad." I'm like, "Yeah, you gotta look." - It's like a sitcom. - You gotta look, come on. - So it's crazy, but yeah, he's a tough dude. That's a long recovery though. - It'll be all right, it'll be all right. - You're like, "What, a couple of weeks, some months?" - A couple weeks, if it's fully ruptured, I don't know if it is. That could be a fucking year, dude. Damn, sorry, man. He'll be back. - Thank God, that's a writer. - Well, I don't know what to do. - No, no, no, no, no. - Between shows. - One-air, one-air. - Between shows. - I don't know what to do. - Who's chewing? - Hey, food. - Salah, he's over. That's a cookie, which is very nice, but. (laughs) I'm gonna put you on a list. You gotta get there, you're over it. - What are you, my uncle? - Yeah. - You gotta eat more cookies. - Take a cookie. - Damn, that sucks. Now who pays for that? Is he gonna sue you for picking him? - For picking-- - No, no, no. I was very far from that point. - Okay, thank God. That'd be a hilarious lawsuit. - Yeah, that's it. - No, no, no, he's crazy. - Well, the thing about these injuries are there no contact. So no one hit him, he just fucking lost balance. So it's like the no contact injuries in sports are the ones where you're like, "Fuck, you want contact." I got knee to knee of that game. You're like, "Oh, that stinks for like 30 seconds." - Right. - But then you're fine. But like, no contact, that's when you tear into killies. You fucking do something like this, it's. - Damn, we're getting old too. And I wonder if the cold doesn't help. - Well, it's indoors. - Oh, okay, okay. - But well, she's not that game. - A lot of comedians, a lot of comedians. But I don't know if you know I know them, but Joel Kowski, he-- - Oh yeah. - Yeah, but yeah, it's a-- - Damn, that's a bummer. - Yeah, not good. - We forget, like whenever you're sick or when you get injured, you're like, "Oh my God, I don't realize how much you do in a day." Like eight pods, work out, go right, go do shows, get on a flight, get on Uber. - Well, picture airport security on crutches. - Exactly, huh. - I mean, that's, yeah, but he'll look, he'll figure it out, but God damn. - Yeah, that's like-- - Hey, see that, you see your boy go down. - Damn, Patela too, that's a-- - Fucking bad. - That's a doozy. - doozy. - Yeah, I've broken both ankles, just skateboarding. - Are you serious? - Just, you know, as a teenager. - Yeah, as a teenager, you bounce back a little more quickly. - Yeah, both ankles, one wrist, a lot of fingers. But yeah, I've never had a like a Patela. Ooh, a friend one time skateboarding, board flipped up, knocked his tooth out. - Ooh. - Yeah. - Stavvy. (laughing) - That guy's never skateboarding. (laughing) - Remember, he'd have a tooth in the next three years. - Yeah, I remember that. That was a wild time. - He was still getting laid. - That's true. - God bless him. - Oh, it was a hole. - Oh my God. - Wow, look at that. Yeah, I think there was a point where he was like, I'm gonna ride this out. This is kind of gonna be my thing. - I remember he walked into a club once, and I was with a friend of mine, and she's very attractive, and she goes, "There's something really sexy about it." - Whoa. - She goes, "He just doesn't give a fuck." - Whoa. - That was cool. - He's just in my apartment, I'm okay. (laughing) So we haven't had a solo in a while. Do you guys work on any bits? - Most of the shit I've been doing that's new 'cause I'm honing for a special, is been topical. So I've either thrown it on social media, or I just kind of drop it, you know, but. - I got a couple. One is too heavy. It's like a long chunk, so I'm not gonna break it out here. - You're gonna break it out. - Yeah, I have one angle too. I could run by you. It might be nothing though, but yeah, let's. - All right, I got this one's a little lighter, but, you know, getting older, stop doing drugs, really. So now I take vitamins, but the problem with vitamins is, they don't do anything, like you don't feel anything. So I know we shit on drugs and drugs are bad, but they feel great. Vitamins are good for you, I feel nothing. So this is like a big bummer. - Yeah, it's never like, oh shit, I feel that zing kicking in. - Yeah, exactly. So I'm like, I even forget to take my vitamins. I've never forgotten to do drugs. You know, no one's like, oh, that flow. I forgot all about it, you know? Like, and no one goes to rehab for vitamins, 'cause you don't have to, they're not fun. - And just like annoying, it's like flossing. It's annoying to take your vitamins. It's like, oh yeah, I gotta do that. - Yeah. - You never feel that way with drugs. You're never like, I guess I gotta do some coke. - Exactly, exactly. Yeah. And it's a multivitamin. Like, this has got zing. Plotginco, Boloba, Calcium, Potassium, Vitamin A, B, still nothing. - Well who knows if that shit's even good at this point? I don't even know. You know what else is, they had Flintstone's vitamin or kids, so kids would take 'em. You'd never see like ecstasy shape like a fucking X-men or something. - Oh yeah, that's an angle. - Well then the big ending is like, vitamins are like a crypto guy. I'm like, how do you make money? I never see you work, but then vitamins are like an immigrant. They're illegal, but they fucking work, you know? And that part's hitting. But yeah, they should make vitamins feel good or something, it's weird that the one that's good for you has no upside. Like it's like a religion, you gotta have faith. - Yes, that's been done though. - Oh that's been done. - I think a tell or Marin, one of them had a bit like, where it's like, you have to pray or it's like prayer. - Oh I think there's like prayer, it doesn't work. Like I, it was Marin was like, I mock prayer, but I take vitamins. There's no proof of that. I think so I just steer clear of that angle, but I remember opening for him in like 2011 and he was doing that was a good bit. - That's funny. - Yeah. - Yeah, so I'm working on it and part of it's hitting, you know, I've never sucked dick for zinc. You know what I'm saying, you know? - Zinc's a funny sound. - Zinc is funny. - You got that, let's see at the end, that's a nice. - Yeah, omega-3s, yeah, there's a lot of fun. - It's funny how you get excited for certain vitamins though as you get older. And like, it's the same way you get excited for drugs when you're younger. That's how you know we're getting older. You're like, who glue to thigh-owned? - This is kind of cool. - Right. - You know? - You have vitamins you want it to be stepped on. Like I'm reading a multi and I'm like, oh, this is in there too? - Yes. - Hey, we're drugs. There's no fentanyl in here, huh? - Yeah, there's something there. - Maybe that could be something else. - There's something there for sure. I got one over on my body. - All right, let me see. If I had a couple ideas, a lot of these are just trash though, heads up. What do I have? I'm going through the old emails. - Email? Who the hell are you sending these to? - To myself. - Ah. - You don't do that? - Nah, I do the notes. - Let me see what I got. I do both, but I just like to have it everywhere. Let's see what I got. Fuck. - See, I don't have this down the way I wanted it. - Hmm. - But let me see. Yeah, I'll find it. - All right. - I was going to just say to the folks at home, watch the Mel Brooks duck. - Oh, I hear it's fucking unbelievable. - It's great. - Judd made it. Who just did this? - Judd has found this is where this is his thing. He's the duck guy, the comedy duck guy. Shanling, Mel Brooks, he got a normal one coming out. He did another one, I think. - Here's the angle I have. And it's not this, I might have to flip it. Something's off, I'll try it maybe tonight. Like how comedians we live in our heads. And you listen to the voice in your head, it guides you. Like we're kind of like, if you think about what we kind of do the same thing math shooters do. You listen to the voices in your head. And it guides you to do your thing for a big crowd. You know what I mean? - Oh, that's good. - So it's like really it's the same technique we're just not hurting people, you know? We both have notebooks, they call there's manifestos. - All right, yeah, yeah, I like this. - We're both societal outcasts, both got bullied in school. And for both of us, this is kind of our way of making things, right? - Oh. - There's something there, right? - That's great, yeah. - I like it. - I like it. It's clunky, it's clunky as fuck. But there's something to that. - No, this is a good idea, good premise, good A to B. - I'll just, I try to just, what I do now is I just like take a notebook. I used to do just like a typewriter thing. I just take a notebook and I just try to write in a room and just fucking free associate for like 30 to an hour. - Yeah, I do the same thing. - And it's usually just garbage. But if you get any thought, I had another thought though, could maybe be something about like how, I'm for you right to own a gun, but I would never want a data woman who owns a gun. Not because I don't think it's her right, but I just, I'm aware of how annoying I am. (laughing) - And I know that people would be like, what like, yeah. - That's great. - There's something to that. I'll run these this week and on the road. - Maybe there's like a vibrator joke. Guns like a vibrator with a woman. Eventually, you're gonna need it. - Ooh, that's good. - Eventually, she's gonna use it. - Yeah, and it's gonna be my fault. - Exactly. - There we go. - Okay, yeah, we got that. Peter, sound bite that so I can grab that later. All right, there's something there. - After I let her down, she's gonna need it. 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And use code WNBD for 20% off your first order plus free shipping on orders over 95 bucks and enjoy life in the high country. willysdrinkwillys.com. D-R-I-N-K-W-I-L-L-L-I-E-S, dot com. - That's fun. - Yeah, anything else you ordered? - Yeah, well this is a big one, this is a big one. So I'm doing this whole chunk 'cause we're so divided as a country, blah, blah, blah. So I'm doing all these reasons why the left and the right are similar instead of focusing on our differences and hating each other. 'Cause we got to come together, blah, blah, blah. So I'm doing this whole thing how we're similar. The right wants to deport. The left wants to abort. We're both just trying to get rid of somebody. You know, so let's come together on that. - Both of us are pro-population control. - Yeah, yeah, like the left wing lady's like, "Well, hey, this baby was put into me unconsensually." And he's like, "Well, this guy's snuck into." You know, and then, you know, like-- - Snuck in is good. - Yeah, that part hits. And then, by the way, that was hard to make that not dark though. - Yeah. - I got raped. [BLANK_AUDIO] But then I got a million of them, you know like well he's this baby she's like I can't afford this baby And he's like well this guy's sucking off the teeth of a of citizens or whatever and then Tax something with taxes. Yeah. Yeah, and she's like well It's cruel to just get rid of somebody talking about the immigrant He's like that's what I'm saying so they're just going back and forth back and forth How and how it's not different then I meant she's like fine. I'll get rid of this Mexican baby and he's like he's Mexican Kill it so they come together on the fact that the babies back to get you know whatever, but I got a muchib back and forth on that there's a lot of Common ground there. Yeah, I like bits. We were like bringing people to like oh, we have more in common than you thought Yeah, no one's going that angle more everything. I was like fuck the right fuck the left on either side Let's give any others for that for that or is it just the immigration abortion thing? I got this thing about how The extreme right is like hey, we'll draw a swastika on a synagogue and the extreme left's like just do it on a cyber truck You know like we're not that different and the extreme left is like genitalia does not define your gender and the extreme rights like Michelle Obama's got a dick So, you know, if you look at it, we're kind of a horseshoe Yeah, these are ideas as long as he doesn't play in any sports leagues should be fine No, it's it's there's there's a lot there. That's I think you got to run with that. That's great That's a lot a lot there. Thanks. Yeah, but it's it's abortion and ice in one bit So it's I'm fucking yeah, that's what that'll but that'll excite people to topical I can always you always get more leeway with topical, right? I found no for sure But yeah, that's good stuff. I once you ever done any other shit that's got any legs here Feel like most of my shit's I'm just honing right now, so but I got to get back to the lab Yeah, and work on this. Well, you got a special coming out. So you gotta be focused on it. I'm old hour. I am focused on it I got peeves. Oh, hit me. Let's do a pee. Hit me fatty Let's see I got you know what actually we do a lot of peeps. Let me do a An up I do a toast. What do you call toast? Hit me with a toast Honest in social situations like avoiding small talk. I was in the elevator day. I get in. There's two women And they just kind of froze when I walked in and I was kind of like all right, and then she goes we froze because we were talking about We're talking about how much you bleed out of your vagina after pregnancy And I was kind of like I like that. Yeah, I like it. It told me that I liked that there was on it because like you know It's usually the weather which is it's fine I'm I'm not like mad at the small talk, but bleeding out of the vagina I've never had that conversation with strangers in an elevator. I love it. And then as they walked out I said resume And we all got to get a thumbs up. It was a nice moment. That's great. Good for you ladies. And look we're not Crost out by that. No, not at all. Yeah. I'll still go down there. Sure. So I told her I'll still go down there down the elevator Yeah, I love the toast thing. This is a new thing now. We do we've done a few things lately But I I like we know we always do now because I've noticed on sign fell I'm sure peeve kind of came from sign fell on some level sure always annoyed everything, but they do say love this too I love the toast. So we should throw in a toast, too. Yeah, I had won the salsa bar any Russia with a salsa bar I love a salsa bar. I got a fucking speaking of that. I got a wreck slash toast Artvark hot sauce Phenomenal. Okay, never heard of it. It's the habanero red is amazing. They got a chipotle. It's great. They got a bear day It's such good hot sauce. I put on my eggs every day. I love it. I know it's a stereotype that white people like bland food But I fucking live for a hot song. I got like 13 hot sauces. You're an old guy. I feel like that's all like spice It's all Cajun. Yeah. So yeah, at the home of Tabasco, too. No. Yes. Yes. Yes. Well, I think it's what is it a beta springs or something now? What's a beat is good beer, dude? Great beer great beer. Well, hey, I remember that shit. That's a hell of an IP Amber Amber. Yeah, I remember that shit. Dude. This is this is a yeah, that's good as hot sauce. Oh, it's in the squeezy. I love the squeezy Love the squeezy. Love the squeezy bottle. Yeah, it's it's got flavor, baby Mark, can you wreck these Hawaiian and Lyndon hers? Oh, yeah, sure go to Lee's Hawaiian. It's a Polynesian restaurant in Lindenhurst Salicy's found it was a poo poo platter It's the last one of the country or whatever traditional. It's like a seafood tower with a flame on the top. Whoa It's got egg rolls shrimp toast skewers pot stickers and it looks insane. It's like out of a movie It's like out of an Elvis film. There it is We call it the poo poo platter and there's our PU PU I know, but it just sounds insane. Yeah, but they got a drink all the zombie It comes in the big the big head with the straw and the umbrella. There it is so good And this own from the 60 same owner, you know still running killer. Oh, I love that. Yeah, zombie Those kind of like tropical bars you ever ended up with Jim Jeffries once and we were just fucking I saw him actually over the weekend too We got to get nice dinner fun times man. Is he still so miss you sober? Oh, everybody's getting sober for him It might have been a good thing. That's true. He went hard. That's true. It was kind of impressive Yeah, when all season when you're when you're Australian and you got a drinking problem and you had to quit You should a quit. That's a good point. Those guys fucking drink. That's a good boy. Oh my god It's like Irish people when when an Irish guy's like you're drinking too much Total gone too far. I remember him like he'd be like fucking 15 drinks deep on stage and still delivering I know which is like impressive, but also you're like that ain't good No, I remember the guy how good a monster goes. You're gonna wake up tomorrow and you're gonna think I was a bit of a Kent and that's the only time you're right Damn, that's a good life. Yeah, hold on. I had a Toast shit. I love a toast. Oh, I had one. I got to do a pee boy. You think do it The pee because I had a I had a toast on loss because of poo poo platter three of by the way I picture when you got an elevator was like the shining with the blood There were two little girls too. Oh I got one restaurants close from weird hours like two to four So I got to eat lunch for at 130 or fucking. That's crazy for 15. That's crazy Yeah, I don't like weird hours. I don't either cuz we're comedians. We have weird hours. Yeah, so we're not gonna be in the traditional Time zone area also close for like plays a close for like an hour and a half an hour and a half was the intermission Yeah, you're fucking oven on that pisses me off. Yeah, I'm with you. What what what do you got? I can't remember it you said it when you said the What was your toast oh the oh the honest the annoying the avoidance of small talk and having like an actual thing Because it's more entertaining you have an actual moment and it's yeah, I don't know Yeah, I guess you risk offending a person, but also like you're not gonna offend me. Oh, I got the peeve I got it back. Thank you. What do you got all right? This should be a crime, but this is beyond peeve Yeah, well that okay with this should be this is worse than pedophilia. Yeah These cuts these sick twisted come guns like Nazis Domestic terrorists who do the hey, you made a reservation if you don't if you don't oblige it you get $50 charge This is a new thing in the world. Yeah, this resin thing where if you don't you don't show up to your reservation They charge you $50 very fucked up, but here's the counter that okay What do they do if people just don't show up then now you're at a table? Okay, but what if you go? Sorry, I'm not gonna show up That was my counter because we made a reservation When we go okay, what's the window? I'll give you the situation because this is now you're bringing up a good point because this is now We don't get the same leeway like I'll give you an example. I'm in DC a few weeks ago and I call an Uber. There's a 10 minute waiting. That's annoying, right? But you're like all right 10 minutes. I'll wait at one minute. They just good guy just cancels on me if I do that They charge me agreed. Why don't why doesn't it work both ways? Yes, because they have all the power We have no leverage not to mention you try to complain these days. It's fucking impossible Postmates I ordered in food the other night and I'm not ordering in when it's super cold out because I feel guilty I'll go out and get shit But when it's it was like a regular whatever I order in food Hour 45 minutes later. I'm like where is this shit? I don't want the food now It's gonna be it's gonna be cold. It's been laying around right and they they're just no response Right, I was like well, I gotta talk to someone and you get this fucking AI shit now. Yeah Whether just like I empathize with your problem like I don't give a fuck if you empathize with it Give me a New York robot. Give me a New Yorker who's like that's fucked up. Let me find this right now. Yeah, I'm bleeding I hate this AI robot shit. I hate it too, but it's easy for them because you you've ever tried to call Uber It's impossible. They just they don't employ people. They don't employ people to make it so it's fucking money So you got to do like the AI app where you're texting with a guy and it's not a real guy and they're like we're so sorry But yeah, like I could I let my phone in Uber. I'm like, hey, can I get the answer to the Uber guy? I need to phone number for the guy who last drove me and they're like We'll see what we can do and I'm like the guys leave it. We're wasting time Dude, it's crazy. So I'm with you on that. I just if it's like a mom in pop restaurant You feel guilty people cancelling and now you know it's Saturday nights when they make their buck So I that's the one where I'm like all right. I'm pro restaurant. I'm against these big fucking apps Who are like and by the way Uber owns all this shit? They own postmates. They own really you're just like oh switch to another like not Uber owns it to ah well here's the scenario so it's Sunday me and the wife I'm home because they did a stress factory So I'm all home early I said I wake up and I go I'm taking you out for a hot lady dinner tonight in The New York City baby Dull. Well, we had a nice dinner date to somewhere. And so if you said that, no, a low-reside area. Real swanky, like girls like to take pictures there, restaurant, you know? - Damn, what kind of food? - Believe French. So I was like, put your dance and choose on, bitch. We are cooking tonight. We're going out. So she got the fur out, the whole thing. And this is like nine in the morning, 10 in the morning. We make a reservation on Rezzi, those twats. And then by noon, she was like, it's fucking freezing. I'm a little sick. I don't know if I want to go out. And in my head, I'm like, great, I'll save $200. But also, I get to stay in. I'll watch the Chevy Chase dog. I didn't want to go out, I was doing it for her. But I go, well, you might want to cancel that res. And she goes, oh yeah, good idea. So there's still eight hours to fill the res and they charge their 50 bucks. Eight hours is, yeah, I think that's a fair window. I did a similar thing with Jim Jeffries. I picked the spot. It was a 23 hour, I stayed, they won a 24 hour window to cancel. I canceled a 23 day didn't charge me. But, which was nice of them, 'cause, you know, but-- - Well, they didn't. - They didn't, okay. - No, he brought a friend to his and they picked us some fancy restaurant in Soho, some Indian place, it was fucking unreal. - Oh, okay. - Some really good spot. - But now we spent half the day like calling people that we know. Like, do you want to fill this reservation? It's a really nice restaurant and they were like, oh, I can't, I'm out of town, whatever. So we're trying to fill it to save the 50-- - And by Taylor Swift tickets, I mean, Jesus Christ, I'm trying to get dinner. - I know, exactly. - No, it is crazy. - But that used to not be a thing, right? - No. - It's my chips and salsa, my hotel, my deluxe burger, add that to the list. The reservation now, they squeeze you. Everybody squeeze you. - They squeeze you. - Well, that's, it's not the restaurant, it's Rezzi, right? - Sure. - So, but I guess it's, I don't know. Who knows, where does that money go? Which is a good restaurant, there's a good Rezzi. - I bet it split. - Oh, yeah, so they're not gonna push back on it 'cause they're making a couple bucks for doing zero work. - Sometimes you just call the place and you're like, well, they're okay with it and then you can get out of it. - Oh, I should call a restaurant. - Well, if you call like AMAX or something and they're like, they're cool with you waving this. - Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some, I guess. - Oh, I never thought to do that. - They call AMAX, huh? You know what, domestic terrace, I really hate? Are the guys like overpack their cigarettes? This thing, they just, they hit it over and over again. - Oh, that bothers you. - No, if you do it once or twice, this is normal, but the guys just like really make an effort. - What do you think it's like a nervous tech or something? - I don't know, they're making some sort of like masculine statement, I don't know what it is, but I hate it. - Interesting. Wow, it's weird, that's, that's might be a you thing. - I just don't think it turns out. - I feel like you just saw it in the bottom of you once. I feel like it's had a common thing. - Yeah. - But like, you know, I guess it would annoy me if a guy was just like doing it, but it's like, yeah. - You're not doing it any more. - I'm not seeing this a lot. - You're not acting it better. - Right. - I'm getting it more and more. - I've seen the guy with the zin who just knocks this up index finger all over it over and over. - I mean, never see those old pictures of baseball players. - She would dip and they're fucking lip is like down here. - Oh, I love that shit. - That shit is not. - That's wild. - That is not healthy. Pull up that super bowl photo where the guys drinking and dipping, drinking and smoking on half time. - Oh. - And it's just a different world. I mean, all these guys died at 61. Look at that motherfucker. Jesus Christ. - Len Dykstra. - Yeah, it wasn't even prison. - Yeah, he's been prisoned now for gambling and not paying debts. - Play for the nuts, too. - Yeah, gambling. - Play for your amazons. - Yeah. - That's right. - Nice. Good to have you back. - I'll tell you. - I'm back. - All right. - I send you some clips, too, Salikus. - Yeah. - Let me just bring up this Keith and Andy's - Oh, well, yeah. - I just rewashed the Keith Hernandez sign felt. - That's a close. - He's a good actor, man. - It was a bad, yeah. - I'm not a solid. - I'm not driving to the airport. (laughing) - The helping him move. - Yeah. - That shows all peeps. - That's true. - I mean, he's mad that this made me think of you, Norman. How we celebrate diversity in 1995. - What is this? Cartoon? (singing in foreign language) (singing in foreign language) - Oh my god. (laughing) - Oh my god. - This is not real. This is too funny. (singing in foreign language) - I got your tacos. (singing in foreign language) - I think the animation is real, but the lyrics, he goes, "Uga, Buga." (laughing) It's no way that's real. - It was in '90s, dude. - Wow. Well, bring it back. - That's, I guess that you get away with racism. You're like, "Isn't this beautiful?" - Yeah. - I show ugly stereotypes. - All right. Wow, "Uga, Buga" is crazy. - "Uga, Buga" is crazy. - That's what. - That's fucking bad. (laughing) - It's a whole continent, too. (laughing) These three guys represent South Africa, East Africa, Nairobi, Kenya. - These little kids, like, "Isn't acceptance great?" - Uh-huh. - Egypt is in Africa, by the way. Oh, that's hilarious. Three guys. Whole continent. - What else we got? - Oh, that's good stuff. - Which one's this? - New series. - I didn't like that. - Oh, dude, I don't, I remember the name of the show. - This is crazy. - Ooh, this guy's gonna be nasty. (screaming) - Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. (laughing) - But I think that guys, you're more than fooled. - Is that Gary Busy's son? - Yeah. - Yeah. - The new record goal is, yes, Gar. - Oh, wow. - Along with a very special blow-based, a shared assistant? - Oh wow. (laughing) - Shasta Magnasty. - Not to mention that, like, classic dancing. - Yeah. - Like, I feel like you had to do that in a sitcom back in the day. - Yeah, right. Wow, I've never heard of this. - I don't know how long this show lasted, like, holy shit. - Yeah. - This is like, one step away from Google Booga. Like, that joke could be in here. - That's, uh, Mary, uh, Red Nitskyu. No, what's in there? - Yes, yes. - From 24. - Yeah. - She was a comic. - She was a comic. - She was a comic. - Dude, uh. - But it's amazing that, like, you look at this shit. You're like, oh, this got made. - Yeah. - I think of all the shit we've had. - I know. - It's been passed on. - That's true. Oh, UPN, that's why. UPN was the bottom of the barrel of networks. (laughing) - What is Shasta McNasti meat? What is it? - I assume he's a rapper. And these are his buddies or something? - The Jeff Ross is in it. Vern Troyer's in it. - Whoa. Rice Cub. Marissa Rice Cub. What's that lady's name? - What's her name? - Oh. - She's an LA comic. She's funny. - Mary Lynn, uh. - Mary Lynn Rice Cub. - Yeah, that's funny. Yeah, she's good. - Wow. - She's great on 24. - Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And I think Janine was on that. - Yeah. - Oh. - Damn. Okay, this one. Have you seen this shit? - You got quite a-- - I had three locked and loaded. Also from like previous episodes, but we just had shit to talk about. You ready? ♪ And the girl that has a one and only girl ♪ ♪ Is who he is ♪ - Ha. ♪ From all of the areas I've heard of, ♪ ♪ I've seen you in years of me ♪ ♪ Oh, is that a church? ♪ ♪ At the school? ♪ ♪ She's 13, is she a monk? ♪ ♪ She doesn't do whatever ♪ (laughing) - What is he? (laughing) - What do you say? - I'm gonna marry a rogue 13 years old. It's every rock song in the '50s. - Ah, it's great. - That's pretty good, yeah. - That's great. Is he a comic or is he? - He must be, yeah. - That's fucking wild. - That's great. See, that's what's great. Like, movies of comedy movies are gone by the wayside, but these guys are picking up the rear. - What, shout out is that? What is it? - Kyle Gordon. - Gordon is great. - Yeah, that's a funny art video. - Very funny. A million of them, look at this guy. - That's doing the work. - A million views, a million views, a million views. - Oh, he's doing a million views. - He doesn't need our help, damn. - All right, all right. Funny, funny. - That was funny. - Good for you, Kyle. - Can you shout us out, Kyle? (laughing) - Yeah, shout us out. You're bigger than us. - What do we got, any other peeps? I got a few, I think. - Oh, that rezzy thing really pissed me off. - I got a picture of the rezzy if you want to. - What? - He's free paid credit card for like 10 bucks on it? - Oh. - Wait a minute, wait a minute. - I think it was a free paid credit card. - You want Mike? - Oh. - He said, get a reservation, get a $10 free paid credit card only, give them that. And they hold that and they can only ever take 10 bucks. - Doesn't that like fuck up, oh, pre-paid, I guess your name's not even on it. - Yeah. - Is that, are you allowed to do that? - Fuck 'em, I'll do it. - No, I'll do it a day, I'll do it a day, I'll do it a day. - I think it would ask for a name. - That's, that sounds like it's asked for a card, right? The card number. - I guess as long as it goes through, they're like, great. - Oh, thank you, I'm doing it. - I got one more piece. - Please. - People who hit you with one of these. - It's crazy, you've never done this. - And you're like, no, it's not. - Yeah. - You're in like, you know, Chicago or something like, you haven't been, that's crazy, you God. I'm like, no, it's not crazy. - I don't live here. - Yeah. - Right. - I've been here many times, I've done a lot of stuff. - Yes, yeah, I'm with you on that. - It's crazy, they're like, just maybe you have to do it. - Yeah, that's fine, don't make me feel bad. We're not doing the random thing that you're into. - How about this? Oh, you should do that. That's fine. - Yeah. - That's fucking crazy, even though you're a dumb piece of shit. - I know. - For never have you done it. - That's my wife. - That's crazy, you never did the gym? - No. - No, I hate that. - You never tongue my ass out, that's crazy, that's crazy. - That's crazy. - You never been there. (laughing) You gotta get a rezzy to my ass out, you know what I mean? - Yeah. - We booked the date, if you can, so you gotta pay me. - 50 bucks, or eat my ass. (laughing) - I hate the, I probably said this before, but the guy who goes similar to this, he goes, you go, wow, I've never, never knew that. You didn't know that? - Oh. - That's kinda why I said, I didn't know that. Now you have to double down on me? I didn't know that. That's why I said I didn't know that. - Yeah. - Yeah, it's like the people who are like this, you haven't seen this movie, oh god. - Yeah. - Yeah, I haven't seen every movie. Exactly there's a couple blind spots exactly just happens to your favorite movie. I haven't seen it. I'm sorry Yeah, how about oh you'd like it. That's great. That's it. You'd like it God, I know nothing about our next guest of nervous We'll figure it out. Oh, yeah, I don't want to make it. He's very charming Charm charmed yeah, yeah, what make it work? He's he was in Jumanji was he the one of them I think isn't oh wow He's been in some he's been like dad teacher show. Oh, he's a lot of shit all right all right all right now We'll be fine now where you're on TV Like would you get to do TV meeting make my own show? No like if a if blackish was like hey, we got a part you had Audition does that do anything for you if it gave me a part I'd be like maybe but yeah I don't audition takes the whole fucking day takes the day not to mention if you get it you got to fly out there Then you're in it for not to mention you get there like blackish has been off the air for 10 years Oh shit, I thought there's still on what is that I might still be I feel like it's not on I don't think it's on But that's how little I know about TV if someone who's like that's been going for 20 years. I'd be like oh, all right. Yeah, I just How long is it off? Six seasons so that's a good run it had though. That's a damn good run in this climate 2022 2014 to 2022 well, you know Yeah, I think I would like love to make a show, but that's I like I like acting and should I make I don't love Same I don't I'm not like Dina just being an actor. It's kind of boring. I think you love them unless it wasn't like you're awesome Or like an awesome director or something. Yeah, yeah, but if they flew out there you're in this for it's a 22-minute show So then you're in it for three minutes. Maybe if you're lucky is that gonna move a ticket? Is that gonna sell you they got me you get to meet one of the what is it Lawrence Fishbur and that's got a cool See on that show. I'm looking at the guy in the blue suit. I know he's a great actor Yeah, man, I think it's like whatever. Yeah. Oh, here's a peve. Yeah Enough with the pills. You know people go he's been red-pilled. He's been blue-pilled. He's been black-pilled He's been white-pilled. He's on the pill blue-choo enough with the pills. I'm sick of hearing about pills everybody's been piled Red-pilled what's white-pilled white-pilled is like he is positive. I think things are gonna work out. I Never heard that one. I think I might have made that up, but oh white-pilled. It's on optimism optimism. I've never heard it because it's no one's fucking happy anymore What is black pill the opposite? Yeah black pills like all over we're doomed anyway. Why might as well not try. It's all going down the shitter So there's red-black-white-blue and no others. I'm sure there's others that we don't know about brown-pilled. That's when you start shitting everywhere I guess what else It's got to be more pills, but everybody's on some pill, which is I guess fitting because we're all on medication Are you on any meds? No, you don't take anything. I take stuff to sleep. What do you take? Shit, what's it called? Like THC? Well, I take that, but I also take a thing. It's a schizophrenic drug. It starts with a no Oh, if you said it, I'd know it Okay, sorry what pills what are the other pills? I think I got all the pills. Yeah, but aren't you glad you don't I know guys who wake up take Adderall then they take an anti-exiting whatever then they take a Shit to go to bed it's like to come down off the Adderall. Yeah, it's me without the middle stuff Well the anxiety stuff's the worst good anxiety like have you ever had a panic attack? I feel so fucking bad for those people. I think I have once in college. That was it I feel like one or two and I was like this is crazy. It's crazy. You think you're gonna die I was pouring sweat. Yeah, I was like the room was spinning. So like if you need that shit take a fucking pill Yeah, it happened to you I Smoked I took an edible and it was like I had a phone like I was on the floor like hanging on for dear life Well, it's not a panic attack. That's brought on by a drug I'm talking about like when you're like trying to perform or sleep and you just start sweating You're like what the fuck is going on? I drink a shit load of coffee and one time I think I just really overdid it And I was on stage having a V2 I think it was the altitude in Salt Lake and we both were like what the I got a stage I was like I was like shortness of breath I like couldn't fucking I don't think the crowd knew but I got off and Vita's like I told him and he goes yeah me too holy shit. I was like we're freaking the fuck out Yeah, it's we were in happens during the set because you like just fucking smile Yeah, keep doing the jokes everything's cool, but you're freaking out a little bit. Yeah, that's scary I only had one in college. I was in community college I failed out of college barely got in a community college my life is hanging on my thread I was an alcoholic my parents hated me. I was a loser Community college. I'm staring at a math test. I don't know any of what any of it means It's all fucking Greek hieroglyphics algebra with all and I knew I wasn't gonna fit a past this test I was gonna pass the class. I was gonna fail out again and it all came crashing down I was staring at the test and I kept seeing drops of sweat hit the page Wow, and I was like, oh god, oh my life. I'm a loser. I'm going to hell. I'm going nowhere and I just You know spazed out and put my head down and then the guy the teacher was like you okay And I was like I need some air and I walked out and I was like And then I came out of it, but I failed the class and everything damn. Yeah Yeah, it sucks when there's nothing you can do to console yourself because reality is just is what it is I know like this is gonna happen. This is it That's the only thing with JP yesterday. I was like I'm trying to be positive. I'm making jokes like you know I was like thank God you're not Sebastian your career would be over, you know But you don't move around on stage anyway. I was trying to like say fun things get a smile That's cool. And he was he was he was in good spirits But you're like oh no, but you will be and this is just reality and he understood it I mean, it's like it sucks me like this is what it is. Yes. Yes. No getting around it. That's it It's like a funeral. This is it. It's she dead out there dead. Whatever. It's that's really it's sad but true But you know, it's so sad these math tests. I would just write in numbers and like scratch stuff out and then like write a six with an X on top, but then I'd do a fraction. I made it look like I tried even though it was all it was all fake It was all just random letters. I put it in just so the teacher was like Okay, he's trying it's so sad. It's so sad. It's so sad. I'm so bad. I think it's see through that immediately of course But I was fucking I've been there though. We were like maybe I can outsmart the teacher show your work. I've been there Yeah, I'll show your work as the worst because they're like none of this makes sense None of it none of it and you're just like yeah, yeah, I was trapped. I'm literally a goodwill hunting type problem on that page And I'm like I will you could put a gun in my mouth Cocaine in my ass. I have 10 years. I'll never forget this out 10 years So yeah, I just had a panic attack like that teacher who puts a gun in your mouth and you fucking idiot Fuck I'll be great if you put the gun in my mouth. I'm like T because eight squared like I just figured it out Did you ever see this? I've seen this. This is this is funny because this is what comedy used to be It's up. Boy. This became offensive. Do you want to set it up Mark? How did this? Oh, this is Howard Stern Yeah, already in norm and and already was on that TV. He did some racial shit on that show Are you kidding? That's my white mama. Oh, already are Howard already. Oh, yeah, yeah, I already had a lot of Dora He's from Newark. Yeah, so he pitched a skit on Matt TV. They didn't run. It was called goodwill Smith hunting. Yeah You know, the the problem on the blackboard right because I was two plus two Hard to believe why this one didn't make this. Yeah, SNL's got a very different writer's room. Yeah, I'm so happy Black History month. Oh Boy, boy, you see this trend going around Rosa Parks husband had a car and Everybody's pissed about it. I'm like, maybe we shouldn't wait until February 1st to break this puppy out. That's hilarious But it's going viral that picture has been a car the whole time. It's all bullshit. Whatever you got a fucking car You take public transit that's that's shit. I know. It's just a funny idea that that she's like I'm taking the bus He's like I'll give you a ride. I want to take the one day. Yeah The one day he was like I'm not but what I love about that sketch with already like obviously it's offensive Obviously, it's horrific and racist and all that but norm is this comedic genius I would say he's like up there with like the great comedy minds of our time and he finds that funny. Yeah, but it's it's just so absurd It's absurd and it's and it is so offensive. That's why he's laughing exactly exactly But you're like how could you laugh at that? I don't it's like because it's ridiculous. Yeah, you know That's why I think people lose sight of comedy You know they're looking for some moral compass. I'm like, well, it's it's like a fact I saw about a banana peel some of the house some of the Howard shit that you're like, yeah, this is not it Oh, dude very well black face. I mean you can pull it all up. Yeah, not great Do you see that video going around now of a Umat Thurman looking smoke and hot so hot in the 90s and still hot But this is a 90s clip and he's like a whole fiction haircut's coming back. I see a lot of I'm knocking that Bob now. Oh the Bob. Yeah, all right. Yeah But so she's on Howard Stern looking great and he's like what were you doing with either the hawk? He's like way shorter than you and he's like he's a little short of me It's not that big of a deal and he's like yeah, but he cheated she goes so what to - He was forgiven. - Yeah, she's on mic, like she's not gonna trash the guy, but-- - Yeah. - Yeah, and they share kids, probably. I mean, it looks like-- - Oh, it looks true. - I think you just gotta be diplomatic in that. Mark's in Mark Nattle, we don't have to watch it. - But yeah, look at it, she looks great. - I mean, but yeah, it's like, you know, yeah, how many years have they married? Five years, to say? - Yeah, five years. - Wow. - It's like, you know, that's kind of divorce goals. - Yeah. - You want to be on good terms with the person, you know? - Well, what you say in our culture now, and maybe I'm getting too dramatic, I feel like we have a forgiveness problem. - Totally. - You know, and so it's kind of cool. I'm not saying you should cheat on your wife, or you should-- - And I wouldn't forgive him. - And I wouldn't forgive him. - Yeah, that was fucked up. - Exactly. - I wouldn't even judge that, but it's cool that she's like, oh, I'm not holding onto that. My life has moved on. - Yeah, so you don't see that now. Now it's like, what can I get out of this? I'm a victim, you know, cancel this guy, go at him, whatever it is, vice versa, man and women. - Yeah, we're ex-husband and kill Bill Shatter in the head, so this is nothing. - Oh, is that right? - Right. - Carey? - Carey, yeah, Shatter. - I heard a comic talking about, I don't remember what the punchline was, but the setup was amazing, that you should have to re-up every five years in marriage. - James Smith, I told you this. - Oh, you told me, tell me then. - He said a wedding should be like a cell phone contract. Every two years, you check back in, like you still into Verizon? And you're like, yeah, man, let's do another two years. - James Smith has some great shit. - Such a great point. - Yeah, great point. And like, you've heard people say it other ways, he found it in a clean way. - Yeah, he was the always the most succinct punchline. - He's smooth. - Oprah was like, so, blah, whatever, the celebrity. Why would you want a cheeto on your wife? Why do men want a cheeto on their wives? It was like this whole episode about why? And he's like, we want to fuck out the chicks. (laughing) That was the whole joke, or the whole punchline. - But he said it like, I hope I think it's because of him. - Yes, yes. - He said it like it was like, it was going to be this profound answer that he's just, yeah, I mean, he is always hilarious. - Yeah, and the Australian accent made it funnier. - Yeah. - He had a great bit about therapy. He's like, stop, people always want to tell you, you're probably, you know what you got, how you doing? They go, actually, my back hurts. He's like, I was just being polite, mate. I don't really give a fuck. He's like, that's why your therapist charged a 250. That's how much it costs to hear your shit. - Yeah. - 250. - So you know it's an old bit, that that's what a therapist in New York costs back then. Holy shit. - Is that low? - Yeah, probably. - These days probably. - I haven't been therapy in a while, but. - Oh, I'm a New York Holy shit. - Wow, Alan was not charged with me that. - Yeah. - But he was a man of the people. - It was. - But you know, I fired him because-- - Fire him. - Well, I stopped going. - Stop going. - Like, Mark's like, I'm sorry, this isn't working out. - You're out of here. - We're letting you go. - Yeah. - He's like, I don't give a shit. I'm giving you a deal. I'm fine letting you go. - I'm like, get out of here. - Mark's like, I'm no longer paying you $40 an hour to listen to my shit. - That's exactly right. - Meanwhile, Mark, you know he's sliding jokes and they're at an insecurity. Mark's like, oh, fuck, I'm boring. I might know. - Yeah. - That's what I said. - Let me try. - You know how well. - Oh, I did it too. I would slip every once in a while. I'd be like, oh, I know there's a comic in here before. Let me try to bring the heat on. - Yeah, that was a great bit. I remember that bit. - I have to. - Yeah, I was doing a board deport on him. He didn't care for it, but. He was always like, you should assert yourself. You should assert yourself. And then one day up my prices, because I had a special come out and he goes, yeah, I saw the special. I said, tonight's show, I think you're doing pretty well. I think it's timed up the prices. And I said, I don't think so, Jack. And he said, well, I think it's only fair to bring it up to here. And I said, I'm asserting and I never went back. So he fucked himself by teaching me how to assert. - Mark is so cheap that he neglects his mental health. (laughing) I'm charging slightly more, Mark's like, no. Mark's like, I would rather be fucked up than give you slightly more money. - That's a bit. But you don't know is that was a test to see if you graduated out of therapy and he won. Oh, you graduated, maybe. - Well, I saved the money. So who's the real winner? - I don't think it was a test. I think he was like, you're cheap and you're underpaying me because I'm sliding scale. - Uh, well, I never went back. (laughing) So you come back down. - He's a good man, Alan. - He's a good guy. - Very good man. - But here's the question. If I get caught on Epstein's list, and my career goes in the shitter, and I'm doing the Yahoo Hut and Dicktown PA, is he gonna lower the price? If I go up in career, he raises it. If I go down in career. - I think he would have. - Yeah, I think he would. - Okay, okay. - I wonder if there's someone on Epstein's list who's seen the therapist. Like, is Woody Allen, he's in therapy. Is he like, big cat, I'm very stressed. There's all this, it's making me crazy. I'm so nervously thinking they mentioned my name. It's horrible. It's a horrible thing to do to someone. - Wow, put the pin in that. The first set of impression of all time. - I've done impressions. - Have you? - Danger field. - Oh, jeez. - Right, you're right. All right, we got two. - I got two, was that good? - That was great. - Really? - That was great. - I've never tried it. - I've watched a lot of Woody. - Yeah, same. Oh, Woody with his therapist on Epstein's list. Oh, that's a sketch. Put that in your pipe and smoke at Kyle Gordon. Oh, shit, we gotta wrap up. - Yeah, we're ahead of Mark. - When's this come out? - This comes out, we just put this out soon, right? We did some topical shit. - Yeah. - Do you wanna keep pushing back in? - We have Madigan on the 8th. - Oh, shit. - I forgot. - No guests on the 15th. So we can put this lady in. - Yeah, let's do it Madigan than this. - Yeah, perfect. - For every 15th. - Okay, I will be. - And then, I guess last week, great. - Okay, great. - All right. - All right. - Well, being Arizona Flagstaff and Swaharita at the Desert Diamond Casino, Indianapolis, Helia, running that new set, Buffalo Helia, we're gonna add a show there, baby. - Beautiful. - Portland, Maine, and Providence at the Vets, one of the great theaters, Lexington, Tucky, Kombiall, Broadway, Amazing Club, Fort Lauderdale at the Improv, and Raleigh, North Carolina, and what is this? Oh, Comedy Story LA, that's already sold out. That's the Netflix Fest, I'll be out there with Sammy the Bull himself, Moulson. Oh, okay. Moulson, Cana, Canadian Center at a casino. I don't know what town that was. Selkie's moved it, Spoke Can Washington, a Martin, New B, NB, what's NB? - Nebraska? - No, that's Canada. Nebraska? - Nouveau Brunswick, be here. - It's gotta be Canada, but I've never heard of it. It's a new Brunswick and a new Brunswick. - Nebraska's NE, right? - Yeah, NE. - Hey, yeah, so all I really have right now is Tampa Theater, February 26th. I think that show might be sold out, maybe not, and then we have, 'cause the other two are sold out, and then we have Los Angeles, when is Los Angeles, May 7th United Theater with Jordan Jensen, Joe Liss, and Rachel Fines. I can be a lot of fun. Very LA appearance for me. It's gonna be a great time, get on that. Lisbon, August 30th, more European dates will be coming. I'm announcing soon, so we'll see if I'm coming to your place. - Is there still time to buy seats to this one show in Tampa? - Possibly, possibly, yeah. And then I've got a lot of stuff I will add, so I've neglected that, but I'll get on it. Get some bodega cat guys, some bodega whiskey, bodega whiskey.com, and our Instagram bodega whiskey, message it if you want to, we're coming to every stay really. - Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's gonna be all over before you know it. I mean, we're already in the Biggies, and every club we do is gonna have it. So, come on by, stress factory, it was moving. Like, they were selling cases of it. - I love it. - Maybe that'll, yeah, that's, I mean, it's a great sign, dude. - Hell yeah, all right folks, thanks. We'll see you in hell, get some bodega, go nuts, comedy. ♪ Sunday's the day for my next vendor ♪ ♪ I bet a peaver wreckie know the future's close ♪ ♪ I've had a little too much bourbon ♪ ♪ And Norman's talking shit about the fucking post ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ Up on the roof like a cop's comin' ♪ ♪ And they could send you well as feeling dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪