Ep: 268 - Bert Kreischer

(upbeat music) - Oh, what an entrance. - What's up? - Come on, leather pants, who have you become? - Oh, what are you talking about? - Oh my lord. - I'm talking about this, this is good. - Are you a cologne salesman? - This outfit was clearly not for us, but I'm excited to get sloppy seconds or whatever this is. - This is a Seth Meyers outfit. - All right. - Yeah, I feel very too much. - Fieri, it's Fieri. - It's Fieri. - Leather pants. - Leather pants is bold as fuck. - Dude, how do you get those on? You're when you're sweaty as thys. Come on. - They feel sexy as fuck. - Ooh, that's smooth. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. - I'm stepping up my road game. I'm stepping up my pant game. - Yeah, I got, I got-- - Well, you shirtless on the stage, you can only really get pants. - Yeah, are we rolling? - Yeah, no, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, you know, when I did Lucky, I was like, I was like, oh, all my thumbnails are identical. It's me and Jeans. - You shirtless. - And it's like, they know if you have a new specimen, if you have a suit on, you know? And so I got-- - When you fall off, you wore a George's maybe. That's the fucking fall off special. - Oh, George. - Ooh, like-- - Or a Kilt. - That could be fun. - I got a, that was the Italian joke. Remember, for people wearing a Kilt, it's pants down, then shit. (laughing) - Oh, no, it goes unless you're wearing a Kilt. I fucked up as Jeans. - Ah. - When I was a young comic, I was walking through I used to wear Hawaiian shirts all the time, and I was walking through and in the back and at the cellar and he goes, only two types of people wear Hawaiian shirts. Party animals are-- (laughing) - Which one are you? And, you know, me, I was like, oh, it's a party animal. - Ah, that's hilarious. - No, I decided to step on my pants game because I was like, so I did it in Lucky, and then on this tour, I've been wearing snake skin, snake skin bedazzled pants. - What? - Fuck, it's like, why not, you're in an arena. Why not step it up a little bit instead of wearing jeans and, you know, and it's like, listen, if you take yourself too seriously, I would love to go full Eddie Murphy. - Oh, full leather. - Yeah, do you remember Eddie Murphy wore that? - Of course, how could you forget? - But what a statement? - Yeah. - Like, no one's, cat Williams does it. - You better be a great comic in that fucking, like if you're like a young comic trying to pull that shit off and you're going to-- - Yeah. - A bomb in that suit, you're fucking sweaty. - Yeah, Schumer did a leather special. - Think about it, let's talk about like what comics wear in specials, right? - Yeah. - So like, I think in all time specials, it's like a, it's like a non-descript jacket. - Yep, yep. - With a shirt. - Yeah. - A suits one, people wear. - Nate is kind of similar too, I feel. - Nate, but it's like, it's almost like, you don't want the outfit to speak for yourself, right? - Yes. - But if you're shirtless, why not allow the outfit to compliment the conversation? - Sure. - Interesting. - You know? I mean, you look like a pro wrestler doing a press tour. - Thank you very much. - By the way, when I wore the, I wore the tight skin ones out with a top, Owen Hart. - No, it wasn't Owen Hart. - Was it Owen Hart? - Yeah, that's when he died. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, hopefully you're Owen Hart. I couldn't get it out. I said, bread heart. Sorry, keep going there. - We're slow to start this. - We're sorry, bro. - We heard a couple pods earlier. - Oh God. - And I want to drink. - That's the death of podcasting. - I know, it is. - It's so true. - When you come in. - It's the Owen Hart to podcasting. - Yeah, it's like fucking twice. Like I fucked my wife and you're like, hey, that was pretty good. And she's like, let's go again. I'm like, we're only gonna ruin it. - And then, and then if I come in, and I noticed you guys don't have energy, and I talk a lot, the comments are like, he wouldn't shut the fuck up. - No, no, no, no. - Yeah, we're here. We're bringing it for you, dude. - No, no, we're gonna stop it up. - We're gonna stop it up. We need a drink. Let's have a drink. - I can't drink. - What's up? - Oh, you didn't hear? - Medication? - Yeah, blood clots. - What? - Yeah, my legs, yeah. - All right, so we won't drink. - No, no, you drink. - No, no, no, no, shit. - You know I never cared about that. Yeah, bad. - You all right? - In my lungs, yeah. Yeah. - Blood clots. - Fuck. - Guys, guys, I'm saving it for Rogan. So, is that from drinking or? - No, it's from passing out on a plane. Passing out on a plane with your leg like this. - What? - Yeah, it's like just in activity on a plane. I flew back and forth from L.A. to the East Coast about, probably about five times from Depp, Sember 18th to New Year's Eve. - Okay. - And Nashville included, but I got off that, the last flight I had from New York to do Kelly Clarkson. Man, on the plane, I was like, God damn it, my fucking leg hurts. And it had been hurting for like a week, two weeks, all over in different locations. And it was really awesome. - You gotta get you a peg leg, dude. That'd be fucking sick. - Oh, hell yeah. - That's a good thumbnail, dude. - That's a little eye patch, a peg leg. - Yeah, it's a peg leg. - Dude, I was scared when it happened, 'cause you know it's a blood clot. You know, it's a blood clot immediately. - I don't think I would know. - I would know. - You know, you almost said no, you're a hunter said no. And then I went in, I was like, it was throbbing at night. And then I told my wife, I was like, I woke up at two in the morning to make a drink, to go back to bed, 'cause I was like, I can't, I have no rest. And Leanne's gonna take you to the emergency room. And I thought, you know when you go, usually you're like, I'm fine. And I was like, I wanna go to the emergency room. - Whoa. - And I went in and I told her my side, I think I have a blood clot. And they're like, you don't have a blood clot. You don't have any of the markers are, you're very overweight. Like I'm overweight, but I'm like, I'm not, you gotta be very overweight, totally inactive. Like those are the markers for blood clots usually. She's like, you seem fairly active and she goes, I think it's your sciatic nerve, which I do have a sciatic problem. And then. - Is that back? - Like right here, it shoots down your leg. - Okay. - And I told her I said, but it's been traveling. It was in my foot, it was on the outside of my foot. It was in my calf, it was on the outside of my calf. It was in my, it was all over my leg. - It's like you, it's torn like a motherfucker, dude. - I was crazy paying, she comes back. They do an old challenge. She's like, she's like, you have a significant bulk caught in your, in behind your knee. She goes, I didn't see that. She goes, we gotta see if they're in your lungs. And then took me in. And then they're like, they're in your lungs. And so then they're like. - How the fuck did it tell BU to fucking this? - I know. It's just, there's a guy from CNN, young dude, flew to Afghanistan, didn't move a lot on his plane I guess. Landed, I hear every blood clot story you'd ever. Young guy gets a blood clot, died two days later. - But don't a lot of people just sleep on a plane like that? - They do, but I think. - It's the angle maybe? - So there's a number, there's, honestly no one can really figure out what happened. Like they're going like, how did it happen to you? - Yeah. - And so, I mean, that's where the van when the internet chimes in, you're like. - Oh, I'll read that shit. - Do you have your red COVID? I don't know, 11 times. Were you vaccinated four times? Were you on testosterone? A ton. Are you, were you an active on the plane? Drunk passed out. Alcohol has nothing to do with it luckily. Cause that was like my, but, uh, but yeah, it's like all over the above. This guy, he got a blood clot and he died. - He even had a leg in shape guy. - Yeah. You just, you don't know, I mean, listen man, some people just die. And there's no reason they die. It's just a fluke. - Wow. - One guy who died jogging. - Emblemism in his lungs. DBT, that's what I got from the plane ride. - I fly, I've been flying West Coast East Coast for like the past three weeks, and I'm going to Oregon this weekend. - Dehydration is a huge thing. - Okay. - Cause it thickens your blood. Coffee, huge. They had like six coffees to it. - Oh shit. - Dude, the key is, I'm like, I'm worried about terrorsome plans. I don't need a fucking stewardess to shake me. If I pass that. - Yeah. - Get compression toxia won't happen. - Really? - If you get compression toxia won't happen. And if you get up, I have to get up every 30 minutes on a flight now. So I get up like a lunatic, like almost like I'm like one of those scouts on a plane looking for terrors. - Yeah. - Like face every Marshall. - Yeah, Marshall. (laughing) - But yeah, so I'm not drinking for. Oh, indefinitely, I got a second opinion. - Yeah. - All right, I think you're ugly too. (laughing) - Wow, this is crazy. Bert on no drinking. - She said to me, I mean, I'll tell you the number. She goes, you're gonna be on blood thinners. And she was like, and this is, she like, it got really serious real quick. 'Cause I've even posted like a poll on Instagram. 'Cause everyone thought it was a cramp, it was like, and I was like, guys, am I a hypochondriac? Or do you think I have a blood clot? Everyone, 95% hypochondriac. - God, that was suckin', that was your last post. - Oh, God. - Is this a tumor? - Yeah. - That was his last story. Do you know what Leanne said to me in the hospital room? 'Cause then I get diagnosed with a blood clot and it gets super serious real quick. Then they find them in my lungs, and it gets wildly seriously, wildly quick. And my blood, my blood pressure through the roof, my heart rate skyrocketing. They take me in to do the CT scan, the CAT scan, and they put iodine into my bloodstream. And they're like, they're like, hey, are you allergic to iodine? - Oh, geez. - And I'm like, I don't know. I don't think I've ever had it. And he goes, well, we'll just find out. And I go, well, hold on, what was like a side effect? And he goes, oh, - Like, God. - Oh, my God. - And I go, can you test it? And he goes, nah, there's just, we put it in. He goes, you know, if you'll be earing the hospital, it'll save his place to be. So he goes, you're gonna feel it. - Have you gone into anaphylactic shock? - No, I never had it. - I did once, it sucks. I look like fucking hitch in that scene. Your eyes bug out. - Oh, what was it for you? - I was, I'll tell you off there. I don't want to tell people my, my, - Kill you see it. - Was it come? - It was come. - God damn it. - It'd be dead by now. - Yeah. (laughing) - Damn. - Yeah, so that, no, it's brutal, dude. They jam that fucking aphypony, your leg, you. Well, it's crazy. In a bird's shit on me, on the way to the, on the way to the hospital. My mom rushed me to the fucking hospital, and he bird's shit on me and my mom's like, that's good luck. - That's good luck, that's good luck. - Yeah. - So they go, they, when they, when they tell you, you're going, they, when you get iodine, they go, your throat is gonna tighten. - Yeah. - It's gonna get real hot. - And by the way, this is like what happens, yeah. And then. - You're gonna feel like you shit yourself and you're gonna feel like you pissed yourself. - Okay. - And I'm like, these are all symptoms of anaphylactic shock, I think. - Yeah. - And he's, I know I know I'm having anaphylactic shock. - Yeah. - So they flood me with iodine and then, and I feel it and I feel like I shit myself. I'm by the way, I'm naked on this thing with a blanket over my dick. - Jesus. - And then the guy comes up to me, the nurse comes up to me and he's like, I'm in the casket and they stop it, so I'm halfway through. And he just leans in and he goes, "Hey man, are you having a heart attack?" And I was like, I don't, I don't know. - Yeah, they're the doctor. - You're gonna give me a fucking answer here. - Yeah. - You have a lot of questions. - I don't know. - I don't know. - Yes. - And so, I go, I don't, I don't think I am. And he is like your heart rate is through the roof and your blood pressure is skyrocketing. And I was like, dude, I'm having a fucking panic attack. You asked me if I'm allergic to iodine. I feel like I shit my pants. I'm getting a cat scan. And then he just goes, "Oh no, never mind." The phone rings, the answer he goes, "You got blood clots in your lungs." And I was like, and so. - In your lungs. - Yeah. - And so. - And I don't know anything about this. How bad? - Well, they're not as bad. So blood clots can get, it's the embolism where the blood clot explodes, I think, in your lungs. You don't want. I had blood clots in my lungs. I mean, I never saw a picture of them. So, but they said they were small. They weren't like, you know, crazy big. But, but then they're like, the lady goes. - He's bearing a soul right now. - Sorry, sorry. - He's talking about his medical. - When you fart in leather pants, it sticks. - It was staged for marks like, hold on. Let me go. (laughing) - Sorry, thanks for your lunch. - So then, yeah, so then they come in. They're like, yeah, we're gonna put your blood thinners. It's really serious. You need to take this very serious. You need to be on blood thinners. And I was like, for how long? And she goes, six months. - Jesus. - Can you show up for six months? - Oh my God. - Do you need to get ripped? - I mean, I guess. - I got a second opinion. - Yeah. - I was like, oh, 'cause I was like, hold on. So, I call my, no. - Take this serious. - I call my cardiologist. - Hold on. - It's a cardiologist and I go, yo. So I got, I'm on blood thinners and he goes, I think you should be on blood thinners for the rest of your life. I mean, it's not bad, you know, but like a mild blood thinner. And I was like, wait, can I drink on them? And he was like, listen. I can't, like, it doesn't really affect. I can't say there's any correlation between your blood clots, blood thinners, and alcohol. But what I can tell you is, you have blood clots in your lungs and in your leg. And you should focus on your health to get rid of them. And then come back, you know, he goes, come back in three months, we'll take a look at it. Come back in a few months, but I went from crazy pain in my leg. Like, I mean, unbearable, unbearable. Couldn't find comfort sleeping. To now, like I took a walk in the park today, I've been working out, I don't feel it the way I did. So the blood, and I was on a crazy amount of blood thinners. And now I'm on like, just like, to a day. And no Tylenol and my blood pressure is perfect. I feel great. That's a problem with not drinking is like, you just feel good. You feel fucking incredible. But you also got the Mickey Mantel gene. So you might hurt, you might heal in like half the time. I sent an appointment for the day after the Super Bowl to get my leg checked. I tried to get in there the day before the Super Bowl. Yeah. Because I was like fucking Super Bowl part. Drinking. Yeah. People, it's weird. You know what, then your blood is alcohol. So you think it would help? I think the alcohol, the alcohol isn't bad, it's not bad. It's not bad in the whole scheme of things. What it is is the alcohol causes in activity on a plane. You pass out. And I think I passed out on my flight from New York to here with my leg underneath me. And just passed out. And I had gotten a massage. I'm not saying there's the cause of it. I got involved because I thought I had a foot problem and the dude fucked my leg. Oh, that all, I'm sure that added to it. That's what they said. They go, I think you probably got injured. They go to end. Because I was injured, and this is like a perfect storm of blood costs. Because I was injured, I stepped up my testosterone thinking would heal. And so all these things mixed and I had covered 11 times, I had four vaccinations, but that's and so, but you can't be sitting on it. Are you going to get a George Floyd that calf? By the way, perfect storm of blood clots. That's Clooney's next to a movie. But yeah, so I'm having a porosos, so I need a drink. Yeah. Have a drink. Have a drink. This is like when Ebert lost his face and he was like eat full of me. It's not like that. It's not like that. What's crazy is I'm in the hospital. And this is how my brain works. And you guys know me well enough to know that I'll get made fun of for this, but it is how my brain works. I'm in the hospital. I get the blood clots everywhere, and then they leave the room. And they don't tell me any diagnosis. They just tell me I have blood clots. And Leango, and I go to Leana, I'm like, yo, this will fuck the promo up for my TV show. I'm supposed to be hardcore press flying. I can afford to promote a show I absolutely love and stand by. And I'm like, this is going to fuck everything up. And I'm on tour. I'm on the road straight for 25 days. I'm on the road straight straight for nine weeks. And I'm like, I'm like, what the fuck? Can you go bus? Get out of the bus. I'm on the bus. But I'm not the bus. I got to fight Austin tomorrow afternoon to get to my show in Austin. And then, and then, and then I'm doing a run in Texas. I go back, I'm doing Rogan Monday. And then, and then I'm taking the bus from Austin to Tampa. Because I don't want to fly. I don't want to fly. Fly is just a pain in the ass. I got to get up every 30 minutes. Yeah. Oh, man. I'm taping my next special in Tampa. Are you really? Yeah. That's the best fucking theater. Yeah. Great. Great. I fucking love that. I know you're the king of Tampa, dude. Go in, do it. How many shows are you doing? Three. Oh, do four. I can't. They were talking me out of it. I added the night before. Who's going to talk you out of it? The Thursday show at 830s, so they, so they, so I went out of four. They were pleased on out of fourth. And I just feel like loading the set and they didn't want me to add a fourth. So out of fourth and film all of them. I did six. Am I not supposed to? Yeah. I think I can get it in three. Yeah. I think you can get it in three. Here's the problem. You're shooting three. Yeah. So you shoot Thursday. Yeah. And then you shoot Friday. Yeah. Two shows Friday. Yeah. It's perfect. Your first show is a wash. They're not going to get it on the first show. Yeah. It never was the thing they wanted. No. Everyone, because all the camera men don't know their angles yet. You put some lime in here? Oh. I'll love the way we want lime. What is this? Korea? Come on. It was alive, man. I fucking heard in Bird St. Tina and I got after it. When last night, we got fucking lit up. And then how many podcasts have you done today? We had to array on earlier. Oh, a lot of energy. A lot of pack of people with a lot of zingers. Here's great. Everybody for a snooze, fast. Everybody. Bert Chrysler's here. Well, here's the question. He's doing not doing Dr. Phil. You're not drinking. Are you worried that's going to change you, your act, your brand, your whole show is about being a party animal? No. You're not worried? No. Yeah, I seem to be fine. Come on. No one knows that I'm drinking on or not drinking on stage. The show is called "Fully Loaded." I mean, everything's boozy. No, my tour is called "Promise in a Party." Okay. Yeah. But I don't think. I mean, you know, that's like the old thing. Like, if you lose weight, are you still funny? Ah. Good point. Like, when I'm on stage, I'm sober. I'm doing-- Sure. I perform sober. I drink at the end towards the machine story because I go, "Because it's my night, I know I'm done." For me, I just go-- And that's in your bones. Yeah. And it's auto-pilot for you, right? It's like, when I'm drinking telling a machine, it's like, I just go a little longer with it and I fuck around with the story. That's just to make the machine fun for me. But for the most part, I go up with coffee and like, I do a coffee mix of coffee and protein shake. And I've always done that. But I don't like performing drunk. I don't-- I've done it. But I don't like it. You really didn't have it. What did you do for real? I got blood clots in my ass. I'm trying to get them out. Sorry, folks. Sorry. I had a big lunch. I had a tortilla soup. It was unbelievable. But yeah, back to the club. I mean, you look like your kind of college is Miami. But I'm worried about you. Don't-- I mean, listen. I think I'd be dead by now. Yeah. That's a good pull. I'm glad I saw. I'm glad I partied with Burmese. We went to Ireland. We went all over the UK. We went to-- I was saying it like I was dead. We came to my bachelor party. We had a great time. And we've lived. We've lived. The fully loaded the bus tour. I'm glad I got it all in. Because it's RIP for the old BRT. You didn't have to throw up, and I will remember you. Yeah. The fourium of the fully loaded days. I'm passed. It's over. Was Seth Meyers bomb the Edward and Jenkins? What? Was Seth Meyers-- No, no, no, no, no. It was like when prior buried the N word. Wait, prior buried the N word. Yeah, he stopped using the N word towards the end. He was like, he went to Africa, and he got all spiritual. And he's like, the N word's bad. He took him a long time to realize that. Yeah, he sold it to Michael Richards. Oh. But yeah. Did he get a good deal? I think so. Yeah. I don't think it worked out. No. Yeah, I'll drink again one. I own a vodka company. I know. I can't quit drinking. You know, we'll do it for-- We're going to carry the torch for you until then, dude. I wish I-- I can't even eat edibles right now. Wow. Really? Can't smoke weed. Coffee, you can do. I can barely do caramel out one cup a day. You're a raw dog in life. You know what Che Guevara, when they told him to cut down on cigars, he said you can have two cigars a day. He'd smoke them this long. That's right. Yeah. That's what that is. I asked him if I could have cigars. And he was like, you bug clutching your lungs. And I was like, weed? He goes, what are we doing here? Yeah. And then I was like, well, what-- Can I be a campfire? You might become a candy guy, dude. No. I was in a late night. It was a tell and already laying. Oh, yeah. And they were just like talking about the highs you get from fucking candies. For real? And it tells like, oh, these now and later is this fucking-- I'm like, oh, these are two sober dudes. Getting high up. Yeah. No. I mean, let's take it to the next level, everybody. I'm on Manjaro. So I'm on a tariff'septide. So I don't eat at all. I don't eat. I feel sick if I eat. So I barely eat. All I'm eating is fish because it's the one I'm supposed to eat. So what's the vice? You got to have a take the edge off. Well, we're trying to find that out more. The outfits, I guess. This is some way to-- Yeah, this is the advice. I mean, it was going to be-- Like I said to myself this year I'm not gonna buy anything like I'm gonna try not to buy anything So I spent last year just buying shit. Yeah, what's a crazy thing you bought up into his house It's like a fucking old house. I haven't seen the new one. Oh, yeah, the new ones the new ones stupid What what's a crazy thing you bought? I mean I bought Tom a race car. Oh my god about a hundred twenty thousand dollars for his birthday Mark got me a gift card to a boy hold on hold on hold on You know that hang on do you know the premise of this? No, so this is back when you know Like what like you guys will look back at this podcast and go. God we were good back then Tom and I look back at two pairs back then and we were so it was all we had we an MTV shows we never movies We never tours it was like kind of during the pandemic and we started buying each other birthday gifts Yeah, when we said we're gonna buy more expensive birthday gifts for the next person So they had to top it next year and so Tom well for my first for my first birthday He sent me like he started it. He bought me a six thousand dollar bike a electric bike that went 45 miles an hour It was the only gift I got that was good that year My daughter is my wife. They everyone got me something and then this bike shows up Mm-hmm, and I'm hammered and I get on it and I go flying through my neighborhood And I had the funnest time listening to music not a care of my fucking life, and I called Tommy I go that's the best present I've ever gotten. Yeah, I sound so damn the Jew and music to sound so fucking dangerous Yeah, you get that you get the music on your fucking zipping off. Yeah, you lose your senses, and then Tommy goes I can't wait to see what you get me. Oh Boy, I'm so excited. You got a one-up. So I bought him a like a fifteen thousand dollar jet ski It went like it went like 75 miles per hour Holy and he loves speed and he just moved by the way This is how Paul Walker died that kept up in the ante. Yeah, exactly and so He gets it and he was for a lot. He would call me and he's like dude. It is 7 a.m. I just had my coffee and I'm going 75 miles per hour on this fucking lake That sounds awesome. So then he goes I can't wait to get your birthday present I'm in the middle of promoting the machine. I'm my schedules chaotic I'm I'm trying to get to Austin and I got a call from Tommy and he goes hey Everything's been taken care of I had to go from from Minnesota to Austin Austin to LA LA back to Austin Then Austin back on the road. Okay, and Tommy said I got you covered and I was like what you're like don't worry about your flight tomorrow Everything's fine. They're gonna fill you in tomorrow morning. So I wake up. It's a massage from a man That's not enough money. No, that's definitely not he got me a g6 to take me to Austin then take me to LA Then back to Austin then back out on the road. I'm talking with a flight attendant and full meals And I was like oh my god, it's easier. Uh, jeez six. It's the shit The bed in the back It's a big-body plane so you can stand up and walk around. Oh, and it was crazy. It was crazy I was wondering why Christina stayed with him Look at that. So then the next year he wanted to learn it's it was crazy I remember I would just invite people on the plane because we were I was like guys. We have so much room Yeah, I mean we flew producers for the movie because we were like screening the movie and flying back to screen it again in Texas And we I flew producers on the plane. I was like Tom got the plane for us. Tom transition to rich guy so easily He loved it. He loves it because any any you know what you know from Ohio he's the best I You know, I think I did an interview one time with Slash I don't know if I've talked about this on a podcast for an hour, but I'm in this I'll share it here. Yeah, I interviewed slash And they said one thing they said is don't ask him about guns and roses. Okay, and it was and I was and we Slash you want to talk about pottery? What are we talking about? That's what you think we both talked about slashes snake pit. It was his new band. Oh, okay Okay, and he was in velvet revolver, right? He's in something else. No, no, what was he in? He's in another base No, he's in another band wasn't it? Slashes snake pit. Yeah, that's it That's it. He's in another band after guns and roses. Hmm, am I fucking dumb? Yeah, go Okay, so I show up to the show and he's already drinking in my green room. Hell yeah, it's like six in the morning. Jesus hell no And he's like I got kicked out of my house last night. They told me you have booze in here. I kind of let myself in still a rocker Oh, I love it. I'm 28 Eight years old 27 years old and it's slashed. It's still slashed to me. Sure So I sit down and drink with him and we have the greatest morning ever like we're just shooting the shit and it's it's like So loose that by the time we get to the stage we're hammered He's like like we're walking together. We're like boys, right? Whoa and we sit down and I go hey What am I supposed to talk of his buddy ask me anything? Well, so the first thing I said is I go why did guns and roses break up? And he just goes that's a great question. No one's ever asked me we weren't allowed to I know no one's cuz they go They don't want to get and you can see his team like and he said one of the most interesting things And I think this is important to to when you think of like especially the LA comedy scene is like he goes You know we were all street kids and we were all broke together and we all lived on the street And we were all the same type of person we just wanted to get fucked up play music and fuck chicks Yes, and then we went on the road and we were like all the same person when we get on the bus get fucked up Fuck chicks play music and he goes and then we toured the world. We're in Brazil. We're the same kids get fucked up Fuck chicks play music get on the bus love it And he goes we got done. I think he said Brazil. We got done our last show and we come back to LA We sit at our manager's office and they're like this is how much money you have and he goes and he they realized None of us had anywhere to stay we're on hotels and they're like where do you want to buy a house and slash was like easy We're all living on the sunset strip right above the rocks. See right above the That's where we're gonna move and Axel was like I'm moving. I'm moving dog Malibu And Sassy what the fuck oh he changed and he was like no, but Sassy goes that's what I've always wanted to be That's where I've always wanted to live and so when I look back at the LA scene like we are at our best Like all these comics dude when we were all broke comics I thought heroin is why they broke up. That's so funny He's like he moved to a different tip code. It wasn't cool No, he goes we were different rich people. I know but that but there's like that thing in the in the behind the music I'm sure he's like if actually if if if slash doesn't start Stop dancing with mr. Brownstone. He's out of the band. You're like oh shit. Well, I think I think Stephen Adler had a problem to yeah They were all fucked up. God in the 90s. I don't know Class was in the place where he was gonna be like I'd heroin problem Stephen out of heroin problem, but you see the video of him We so fucked up with a cigarette in his mouth. It just like falls down his pants and he's still playing By the way, he rocked leather pants. Oh, and you and I can't stop rubbing them. They're so fucking yeah I might send you guys a couple pairs anyway. We'll wear them on the pod if you deal it You going to a commando of course What is it you've been shitting in your pants the entire time Underwear Wow, but but but what's interesting about me and Tom is like broke comics or identical You got that right the second we make money. He's a very different like Tom wants a house that is furnished And it's and it's set and you just move it and turn key ready Me and the end we buy a fixer upper we tear it down Yeah, I like that a year and six months building the house because that's who we are remarked move to a Big townhouse in Brooklyn. Yeah, and I'm in like an apartment door man building in the village I like you know, but I'm also a single guy. He's got the family now But it's interesting as you grow as men you You're not the same type of person right you're different. He's even like you look at Ari Ari's made money But he's still say this one guy. Yeah, he's I think he's a not afraid of the growth. Can you add something out? All right, go back, but no, but like but you look at Ari and like Ari definitely is someone who was like I don't want to change. I want to be the exact same guy, which is love. We love him. Yeah, which is noble and you're like great It's like look at Shane like Shane's an interesting millionaire sure like he's like you can see Shane Not not changing at all, but changing at times. Yeah, he likes nice shit, but he's still a regular guy Yeah, and it's interesting to watch Someone you know, I said to you a long time mark ago mark. I was like I can't wait to see how you deal with fame Yeah, one day I'll get there you're doing all right, but you're doing all right Oh, I don't know if I want to be famous. I like this level. I like I'm selling out shows We got a nice podcast. I handle my friends. I got a nice house with a family anything more now No, you do we wrote a fucking movie. I like to do fun stuff, but I'm not like hey, I want to be a movie star You want to act I want to see we can do it find your truth because if you're lying to yourself, you're lying to everyone All right, so like that's that does a tough part. I think I know exactly what I say you want you want to make fun shit Yeah, and we wrote a fun and we wrote a fun movie So you guys to start in yes, yeah, it's a fun It's a fun and we wrote a funny movie with a ton of jokes in it and then we were proud of it We're going to David telling it. We'd like you to be in it. Stop all these fun people. So to me that's that's not about fame That's like hey, we're making a movie. Yeah, but don't get confused the second you enter the movie System who it's a different fucking animal. We really see that scares me. I like it Dude, I have a fucking TV show coming up. Is that you want a private jet Berkowitz took that in like? 15 yeah, I was like that doesn't look like you that was humor. I was hung over shit. Look at that fucking beard man Yeah, I was on the road for a while without a razor Good times the thing about the thing about like TV shows and movies and stuff is like when you do a special You release it you know it's gonna do well. Oh, you're like well, no, but you did the material for right? on the road. - Good point. - Unless you're one of these other comics that go, I'm gonna go out for three weeks and try it out. You know, we're like, good luck. But like for us, to me that's like, it's insane. - Wildly irresponsible. - Yeah. - When you hear a comment. - Oh yeah. - I gotta give it up. - How are the fun is getting it good? - Of course. - I gotta give it up for Marcelo Hernandez because he's crushing. - His special and very well. He's a great kid. - Good guy. - But he was gonna do that. He told Chris Rock, yeah, I'm getting ready to do my special. I'm gonna do next weekend and get rehearsed. Chris Rock was like, cancel it. He was like, what? He's like, you're not ready. And he canceled it. - Good for him. - And then took time to work on the material. - And good for rock to tell him that. - Well, that'd be in back of your head the whole time. You don't want that voice in the head being like, you're not ready. - But we've all seen specials where you're like, how do they put this out? What are they crazy? This is like half the jokes. You know, they do the shit where they're like, I don't have an ending to that. Next thing and you're like, what? You don't have an ending. That's the whole thing. - That was your closer. - I see a lot of that. I mean, it's like, I don't understand if someone that doesn't take a special. As serious as their health. Like what? When I do a special. - My next special is called blood clot. It's gonna be really good. (laughing) I would have, the blood clot would have been an okay way to die. - No, what if you don't fucking do it? - No, no, no, no. You don't wanna die from like an easy joke. You know, like about my liver fails and it's like, oh, fuck, I'm fucked. - Right. - You know, if I get a DUI and get an accident, come on. - Yeah. - If you want to, like, get attacked by a shark, dude. - Yeah. - But what if your next special is amazing because you didn't drink? Then you can't go back. - Yeah, I can. I can do whatever I fuck I want. - All right. - I don't know where these rules are coming from. You more. - Well, I'm just saying 'cause then you're like, oh, it looks like Bert's daddy's gone to us. (laughing) I just am not drinking until my blood clot got away. - I know, I'm just, I'm still in shock. It's like good. - When have you ever known me to lose weight and keep it off or stop drinking? I mean, I am a fucking, gain it back kind of guy. - Well, that's a good point, but it's like seeing keratop without the props or something. - I love that you said that. - Okay. - Do you have not seen the series yet? Have you? - I got a link today. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. - You guys today, right before we're coming in. - So I did that in this show. - Keratop? Oh, I love keratop. - I'm not a hater. - I leaned in, I leaned in to like, you know. - By the way, the show is FreeBert. It's on Netflix January 22nd. - Which I'm sure is out by now. - Yeah. - It's coming. - Yeah, when this comes out. - Art Mirror and looking good. - It looks great. - The girls and the stars, they really are. They steal the show. - Okay. - But I leaned into like all the shit that I get online. I leaned in all of it. - Good, I leaned into it. Like there's a, I mean, just watch the show. But I was like, whatever people say about me, like he's just got to take a short off. Yeah, I leaned into that. What are you without taking a short off? I leaned into that. - Hell yeah. - What people told me you didn't take a short off. - You ate my out yourself. - I was like, fuck it. - I was like, I'm already done with like, I'm done with like, I know what people say. So I'm just gonna fucking include it 'cause that is in my inner thought. - Right. - The shit people say about you, does enter the pathos and ethos and you're sitting there with it in your head going like, like would people show up if I didn't take my short off? - They would. - Yeah, they would. - They would. - And they'd be like, why is it sure not? - There would be 80% of the room that's going like, is he gonna take it off? - Yeah, that's true. - It's like, I brought a guitar on stage one time. When I was young and I put it at the Boston Comedy Club and I put it next to the fireplace and tried the new material and then play it and they all just stared at the guitar. And I was like, oh, never do that again. Iggy Pop had one leg shorter than the other. - Is that right. - That's why he walked like that, seems standing. - Yeah. - That's because one leg shorter than the other. - Yikes, so that's is, get a pair of panties on that guy. I got those hips, the pants are so low. - Alan McBeal looks terrible. (laughing) - Nicky Glazer, what are you doing? Oh, there we go, he's hot there. - That's not Iggy Pop. - Oh yeah, that's a young pop. - That's Iggy Pop. - Are you serious? - Yeah. - Yeah, it's something you have a sick body and then you're just like, I'm sticking with this. - Yeah. - And you're like, oh boy. - Now that's my fear. - What? - No booze, six months. Muncharo, testosterone. - And you come, Rip. - And I love working out. So you're just gonna be a Rip guy without a shirt. - Can I tell you? - That's no good. - I told, I was with Chappelle one night and we're fucking boozing. And I told him, I was like, he's like, dude, he was like, you shoulders, man. And I was like, oh, I'm shirtless. And he's like. - I know those things. - And he's like, you shoulders, man. And he goes, you know, man, you're inspiring me. I want to work out. I want to get jacked. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, you know, people would say like, what if I lose weight? Well, I still be funny. And he just, in the best Chappelle way, he just leans in and he goes, fuck him. Get fucking ripped and shredded. Be a fucking rock star. And I was like, oh, all you have to hear is one thing from Spell or Cat Williams. And you're like, that's what I'm doing. - Well, he got ripped. He was a skinny guy. Every special, he's like a twig. - He's like a skinny podhead. And now he's like, he's guns a blazing now. - Spell, do you remember when we Spell showed up with Big R? - Yeah. - And you were like, yo. - It was weird. - Funny thing is, when a community gets healthy, we're like, are you okay? - Yeah. - Well, you made a wise mental choice. - I'm more comfortable. - I'm more comfortable as a fuck up. - Same. Well, I watched the Gora special and he's like, weirdly thin. Like so in shape, you're like, whoa, it's jarring. - He's 185 pounds right now. - Oh. - He thinner than me. - Yeah, I know. He's thinner than everybody. - Wow. - Yeah. - Well, pull up, pull up the Gora now, 'cause he, the face is thin. You could just tell, he's got a sculpting thing going on. He's got a trainer. He's hot. Look at the t-shirt. It's baggy. - Yeah. - Crazy. - Look at this. - Yeah, but I think I'm done taking those pictures by the way. That was a period in my life when I was like, so excited I was losing weight. And then I was like, no one wants to fucking see that. - No. - No one wants to see you looking good. - No. - And you don't think it about you. But then you're like, what the fuck off Aaron Berg? What are you doing? (laughing) Well, Aaron Berg, I'm just, I mean, but look at this in that picture to the right. No, that's not real. - That's fake. - Go to the blue background. - Yeah. - That guy's in Salaheek. - Look at him. (laughing) - I mean, I'm just like-- - Look at the guns, the shoulders. - You look like fucking Julian Edelman there from far. - Oh yeah. - Yeah. - Thank you, the chosen people. - You got that right. - The, but yeah, I mean, right now I'm just like, I work out 'cause I like it. And I'm eating, I'm eating, I'm like, clean only 'cause I'm a manjaro. But I'm only a manjaro because Leant took me to the doctor and the doctor was like, yo. And this is at my fattest when I was filming FreeBurt. I got done. And FreeBurt, I'm like 275 pounds. For the whole series. - How tall are you? - Six one, six foot, six one. And so I go, I get done, takes me to the doctor. My cardiologist is like, yo, he's like, you're very heavy. And I was like, and I said to him, I was like, I'm not the heaviest I was been. And he goes, yeah, by one pound. (laughing) You were one pound heavier last time you came in. (laughing) And I go, one, I lift weight, so I'm very muscular. And he goes, how much muscle's in there? So he took, he did a scan of my body to check to see like, it's called a, it's called a dexascan. - Mm. - And he was like, yo, you have 90 pounds in your stomach, a visceral fat. - Whoa. - And I was like, is that a lot? And he was like, it's like a Romanian gymnast. - Whoa. - He was like, you're holding on to a human in your stomach. It's bad for your back, it's bad for your knees. It's bad for everything. And he was like, and I told him, I'm not gonna do minjaro, 'cause I was like, I don't wanna cheat. I don't wanna cheat. - So that's like a exempting? - That's like a exempting. - Yeah. - Because his terror is appetite. It's the same thing. It cuts your appetite. - Okay. And he goes, I'll tell you what, I'll see you in three months and you're gonna be 300 pounds. - Whoa. - And I was like, for real? And then I just did it. The first time I did it, it was my birthday. No over third, or that was a week. And I did it. And I noticed that I got my eating cut back and my drinking kind of cut in half. And I was like, well, that's not bad. - Yeah. - And then I upped my dosage and was violently ill for a week. Like, oh, throw it up. - Well, he, I don't know if I'm allowed to say it, but you micro-dosed, it was the epic. I'm micro-dosing now. - That's smart. - Yeah, it's so much better to be like micro-dosing. And then if you feel you're eating just punch a little more in. And then pull it off here. - I'm gonna go through this. - I know. - I'm like, we're just like, I'm gonna take just a little to cut out like a snack. - Right. - Yeah, but you know what, hang on. Hang on. Can I just, can I politically rant for the first time? - Oh shit, you're a big ice fan. - Oh my god. - Pull it up on the internet. - I told you I can eat these days. Dude, I love it. I love it. Friday, another Friday. I love it. (laughing) The, you know, it's like, I watched this, this fucking documentary about global warming. - Mm. - And they're like, you need to do your part. - I love it. - And I was like, hang on. Fuck off. We're doing our part. How about the fucking animals all around the world that are burning trash in their front yard? Like, let's, let's be real. - Oh, the point. - It's not us. - Well, India is number one. - Dude, please. - India and China. - Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, fucking bank. Are you name it, Thailand? They're burning trash in their front yard. It's not us. - The worst part of what having a cat is a litter box. The smell, the mess, and constantly switching brands, hoping something actually works. Boxy Pro solves that. The Pro stands for probiotics, which are built directly into the litter to stop the bacteria that causes odors. That means your litter box stays continuously, odor-free. Not for a week, not for a month, but indefinitely. As long as you scoop. 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No, no, I did a travel channel show there. Oh, that's crazy. But like you look at this, you look at Eastern Africa, West Africa? Dude, that's where the pollution problem is not us. You're stop making films for white people to watch and feel guilty about their SUV. That's not the problem. The problem is that river that we're, I mean look, sure we could cut back on pollution on our part. Yeah. But also, let's invade this country, whatever it's called, and go, hey guys, let me show you what a trash can is. Yeah. Like let me show you. It doesn't go in your fucking river. They won't yell at them because it's bad optics. You can't yell at the brown kid who's throwing a bottle in the river. It's not, they won't do it because they care more about optics than justice. We'll jump back into this with Carolyn next week. But that's like, I just kind of watch this David Attenborough documentary. And he's like, this is what we're doing to ruin the planet. Right. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut to India where they're shit in the lake. Remember, Carlin's bit about like the planet's been through worse. The planet's gonna be just fine. Yeah. The plastic bag. By the way, in China, they have so much pollution. They have screens with a sun on it so you know what it looks like. Wow. Dude, China is wild. Yeah. China marks those air with his sun when he's on the road. There we go. Here we go. Here we go. China has one time zone. Whoa. The whole is huge. For the whole country. They were like, no, no, no, no. It's noon. Damn. Wait, noon's really dark for me. I know. That's your noon. My noon is the middle of the afternoon. Damn. That's crazy. Isn't that crazy? They're wild. Do you want to hear a deep thought? I got high one time. I fucking, I called Joe about this. So what if, what if sober purchase becomes really political? Oh my God. I love it. That'll be fun. There's a big movement comedy these days. I mean, I see it. The Griff, baby. You either got to do crowd work or lean real hard right. That's true. There's a big. The Griff is, is coming, baby. A lot of people are leaning in. Very few people do material these days. It's a lot of like, what will the fans clap at? Yeah. Yeah. Or how can I get them interactive? Or how can I victimize myself? Yes. I was molested. You're like, well, where's the bit? Where's the joke? I was just talking to my therapist. Yeah. Yeah. That's why I'm glad. Like, do all the crew. We'll be over here and telling jokes. Yep. More for us. I write stories. I have no joke. Like, people yell shit out for crowd work. And I'll do crowd work some of comedian. But I'll go, hey guys, that's also not what I do. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a story guy. And so, but here's the crazy fucking deep thought. So Genghis Khan killed like 60 million people. Yeah, yeah. Most of the earth. What? 700 years ago. Huh. Right. Is that right? Probably. I mean, do the math. I'm close. I'm close enough that you don't need to Google it. Okay. You can Google. I thought it was less than that, but all right. Okay. 60 million. There you go. You saw it's fun. More than Hitler, right? Let's do what you guys do with the Holocaust. Let's call it 60 million. Yeah. And then Mao is up there too. Mao might be more. But keep going. Just keep it a Genghis Khan. Okay. Okay. What's 700 years ago? 1200, right? Khan. How many 800? How many Asians do you think there'd be? Oh, he did us a favor. Good point. I never thought of it that way. I never realized they were making up for lost time. Yeah. I guess so. Thank God for Connie. Holy shit. That it would be all Asian. It's like a preionated movie. Nightmare. They send it back in time. You have to do something about the population. We would have all fucked an Asian chick right now. You would have had to. Oh, man. I'm a Jew. I went through that phase. We all do. That's right. Let's move right to passage in the Bar Mitzvah. That's true. You got to go through an Asian phase. Good point. Can you imagine, right? Pro-creating. For 700 years. 60 million. 60 million Asian people. Pro-creating for 700 years. And you got to remember those first 300 years. You got four generations in it. And one more toodin help. Oh, yeah. A lot. A lot. A lot of. Oh, wow. We're killed. Japanese. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. Right. You're talking about the Civil War. Who did I find about? You know? Ah, but they weren't ever seen. Yeah. We have to throw in a slur after the newcomer. Can we come on? All right. Sorry. The nuke's not enough. It's whatever you want to go. There you go. It's getting better. It's getting better. If you're playing a game called "Hot and Cold," I go, "Ice Cold," I go, "Ice Cold." Jesus Christ. All right. Bleep that. It also says Genghis Khan had an estimate of 1,000 children. Whoa. Have you seen Marilyn? Marilyn. Apparently, every Asian is related to Genghis Khan. Whoa. Google it. Google it. I got really only Genghis Khan run. Nice. Yeah. You know he knew Marco Polo. Oh. Really? Could he find him in a pool though? No. Marco Polo got lost. That's why we played the game. Marco Polo got lost. Marco Polo got lost. The Genghis Khan and Marco Polo were boys. He hung out with them and wrote a book about them and wrote about them. I swear to God. Isn't that crazy? We can go. You're going to say some of this for history, heinus. Oh, yeah. No. I'm not good enough in history. - Hey, if there's a lesson to be took from this? Don't be political, yeah, you're gonna live longer, you know. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Good point. Good point. I got a great Arab Frank joke I got an Am Frank chunk of my new hour. I got a few week night. Are they the same? I hope not I'll tell you mine edit it out because guys. I don't put material and podcast Let's just do it at dinner then okay, let's do it. Wait pull up the United flight. They said oh because of ozampic Yeah, everyone's losing weight, and they're saving a ton on gasoline A bit on ozampic or terrors up tide like so for the average person they see it I think they think Amy Schumer and they're like oh is it vanity or what I don't know whatever it is or for me They go okay, but for the average person I'm meeting like I've talked about it on stage because you I get a rash on my stomach And people come up to me like I lost 70 pounds, and you're like whoa I mean, it really is it's a band-aid to a solution the same way Zoloft is a band-aid to like mental health problems It gets you out of the hole, but you got a hold on you got it on you you got to do the work You got to get a trainer you got to get you have to when you get off it. It's not forever. It's not forever Right, and it's like Zoloft to get you out of the things you can get in the therapy, and then hopefully get off Zoloft But like but like I've done that stuff Zoloft. No, I'm afraid to good way to save money though Like if you're eating a ton of food is expensive now groceries going out. It's all very expensive So if you're not eating at all and not drinking all you're probably saving a fortune I'll tell you what's crazy is when people I've talked to that are overweight will say do you look what do you think about? The talk and I go well, it you know does make it gives you like a low-grade flu the first few weeks Wow Yeah, I mean I felt physically ill for a solid. Are you doing gigs during this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, jeez And like I cough you would make me feel like drinking. I had to get push a drink. I had to push And um and I couldn't eat steak couldn't touch steak. I couldn't eat anything I wonder if you is there anything food that you crave for your own it pussy Italian subs That's so perfect. I know Italian subs were like for whatever reason I was like I'm really into Italian subs Interesting. I love an Italian. So man DeFarros and Brooklyn just had that in red hook unfucking. Yeah, they're the best unreal Oh My god, but but overweight people would say to me Yeah, but I don't want to do that and I'm like what feel a little sick and then lose weight and then like yeah Like foods by joy and you're like yeah, but that's the problem exactly and you're like you can't make it your joy It's got to be fuel you know. No, I don't disagree food should be fun - but you can handle it. You can handle it I can't handle I can't handle I mean you've eaten with me. I order I get like I go get me like what are your five best apps? And then they bring them. Yeah, and then I like to razzle dazzle it and I always get two meals because I like to I don't I'm gonna help you one and then what I want right and then and drinking is like, you know I drink whatever I want to drink I never I've never had an issue with my drinking no one's ever told me to stop So I you know I party my fucking face off and then I get on a Zen pick I go to dinner with Leanne and I get a martini and I'm like who that tasted off Well, and then I was like and then I'm like I'm not gonna do that. I'm like a be that guy murder another martini get a rib eye I have a little bit of the cap and I'm like I don't I'm just done. Damn you go to bed wake up feeling great Go to the gym workout. I mean my first I'm it's been since November is January I'm down like almost 40 pounds. I just had a thought there's all these people starving in all these Thurwall countries we should give them ozepic. They're hungry They'll die hunger pangs. They have they're not just like God I'm hungry. It's their dying because they don't have food They'll die comfortably. I know this is interesting. This is Kinnison's been you need to go with the ozepic is You got to go with the ozepic when we just give him cocaine and then they won't want to eat That's not bad. And they'll they'll be perked up or to reach you for cocaine Instead of bags of rice bags of coke Just $500 a month. You can sponsor a co-head child He'll never shut the fuck up guys. Have you tried Adderall it could be appetite now, I'm done. I think we got something Have you ever done Adderall? I do conservative. Yeah, I love it. I live on that shit. Oh, you would love it. I know I was What's on the no-fly list? It's campus cocaine. They call it. It's just good. It's easy. It's it. That's where I get it and Fedamines Yeah, basically really Yeah, you you should you might get on it now. You got the clots because you're gonna need something Well, he might not be able to take it. I definitely can't take it 100% I can't take it and Fedamines Okay, we're gonna go in heroin now you know speed up that bunch. Let's hit that cock and clear a little weird My parents do a baby aspirin. That's their move with a glass of wine and they're all thinned out. No, yeah, thanks, Dr. Mark I'm on that also Mark's medical advice might be a good show. Is that people out of the real problem? Yeah, imagine your wife when you're like, baby's got a fever put in the cold tub. Oh, yeah, it's not a period now I you know, I keep her outside I used to have that in a special Thank God you didn't go to me. Oh, go to the river do some laundry What's the baby's first word? Mark Make their first word racial slur. Oh, that'll be fun. What you should do. What was his first word? We'll talk later, can I already said his first word. No. Yeah, okay. Can I tell you a great idea? Yeah Reach out to a brand now and sell his first word Blue - how fucking funny with that? That's funny. All you got to do instead of going mom and daddy because that's always the first word Sure, you like Pepsi. Yeah, Pepsi. That's a big love Shopify It's weird and then the baby goes their first word. Hey, hey, hey, oh look. Guess who's talking Pepsi. That's pretty genius It's I'm telling you that's more of a Whitney move I think it's her baby already talked. How old your baby? Oh, baby definitely talked just a mom. Come on She's Gavin Year in a week. So he's just hit a year dude sell that first word. I'll buy it That's not bad. We can be no more osos. Oh, no free bird Free bird. Oh, shut up. That was your first word. We found out there's a way to make a poor osos bodega cat cocktail We got to we got to promote the fuck up for real. There was a whiskey. I mean, you're gonna get fucked up off this Oh, yeah, it's like I went we found it out when you're when you're back and you're ready to come back What would be bad? Well, yeah, we're getting old. It had to end at some point everybody kept saying You're talking like I hooked up with a dude at camp. It's not over. We can still hang out man. That could happen I mean, you're gonna something you gonna have to get a vice it might be dudes like Charlie Sheen he flipped over the menu Do you see the doc? Yeah, he went to dudes. I think birds gonna be back, dude guys It's either dudes are young but hold on hold on hang on me getting kicked out of the club No, what if I what if I never drink I went from definitely not I call the girls. I call the girls I was I'm on the road like like you're on the injury reserve list right? Yeah, you'll be back. Yeah, I'm like George Kettle I blew up my kill you killies, but you're gonna come back. Yeah, there you go. I'll be back. Yeah Aaron Rogers came back Yeah, he blew out his something, right? Killies. Yeah, I'm the first fucking play with the Jess that was that was you can't write The misery of a Jets fan any funnier than that shit. Oh, that was brutal. Yeah, I tell you what's so like he gave me his number When Rodgers when you talk about selling your kids first words his parents were genius His name is a A R O N number one in my phone book every time I look at my phone book Aaron Rogers Aaron Rogers right and by the way, do you give some of your phone book your phone number if you won't answer their face time So I face time them so many times really was you I was good. I'll let you know. No. No. I will maybe I don't know I yeah, you know, and I don't know where he was at the time. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's an odd dude. I watch his duck. I Mean but hang on hotter than Rogan No, but he is I would say oh, oh really? I think he is I think he's softer than Joe meaning I think Joe's more of a like more Joe's more of like a NFL player My joke it take a lot He's I think Joe's I think Joe is way less stubborn and rigid than Aaron Rogers. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, I Think yeah, yeah, yeah, I think Joe was a far more open-minded person Aaron Rogers Aaron Rogers Yeah, he actually got he stopped talking to his family. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I didn't know that I think they were selling I think that's yeah, I mean that I don't think that's related to all the other shit So I think he is he's a probably a complicated guy, but yeah, I mean what I met him. He was like an open book really, I mean I mean he showed up in our tour bus with wet hair like out of the shower and we had cameras on we with us I don't think so I would remember that he had camp we had cameras on and he was like yeah, and he just Spilled beans like I mean like everything was everyone's wondering what he's gonna do and leave the Packers Yeah, and what's happened with Jordan love and was and he I mean he talked like an open book in front of the cameras And I was like hey, we turned the cameras off and he was like yeah sure turn him off Whoa, and I think he just knew you're not gonna post this you this you're not gonna post any of this He's kind of conspiracy guy too. I don't think he would have minded though He seems to talk and he wants it to be out there. I don't yeah, I don't think he gives a fuck I wish I didn't give a fuck like I do give a fuck, you know like I care I wish he didn't yeah, but that's gonna get in trouble if you don't care Oh Is there a Rogers? Oh, you got answer it oh Boy what is that ringer dude? That's so gentle. Yeah boomer. Oh, it's the co-star of my show. Let's see where is it Arden It's Arden Arden. We're with Martin. Hey Arden! Okay, we just hi How are you? Good. Good to see it. Yes. I just saw the billboard. Hey I'll give you the camera. Okay, okay. I'm gonna turn it around. Okay We got to wait for it because it rotates it's okay, but I wait we got to wait for it. Right? Okay, let's see the TKTS dude. She's beautiful. She's very nice. She's so great. She's good Crazy resume. Yeah, here we go. Have your billboards are pretty. I'm so old school. No, I love it. Time's Square, baby. I'm showing you the camera. Okay, can you see? I see it. No, I see it, but I don't see the billboard. Okay, it's coming. It's coming. It'll be great. Great podcasting. Just speed this up and just cut to the just cut to the just cut right to the billboard. They got a rotate. It's going to show eight other shows. Yeah, it's hard to ask you. Oh, well, the Rocello Anthony has a special. It's all Hernandez. You can find Carmelo Anthony and Marcello right there. No, this is just as good. I think the anticipation. Oh, shit, I'm getting kicked off Wi-Fi. Oh, good move. Okay, okay, okay. Guys, feel free to Google burst billboard if this isn't working for you. Yeah, can we board up? Okay, enough of you. A bit of podcast. Just take a picture and send it to me. Okay, I love you. I love you. Bye bye. Congratulations. Okay. Hey, that's a big boy. Oh, can I tell you what's crazy about that billboard? So my special, do you know the story? So my special, hey, big boy, came out March 20th, March 17th, 2020. Oh, wow. Stay at home orders are March 13th. So that special performed pretty well. Wow. That's what changed our careers. Yeah, you two specials that came out around those in 2020. Yeah, so and that billboard went up March 17th. Oh, I took that photo, I think. It was up for like three months. Yeah, because they didn't change the billboards as a ghost town. Yeah, it was ghost town. You didn't get the foot track. I remember you like texted me like your billboard still up. That's it. I didn't get any foot traffic. Yeah, wow, but that was a great time for content, because people are just consuming the shit out of everything. Can we just celebrate? Can we celebrate Mark for a second? Oh, I was talking about like old school Mark, right? Like the, the like push around Mark. Like like when you could go, hey, we're drinking and Mark was so young and calmly and be like, okay, all right. Not thinking that it's changed a ton. But like when we went to Ireland, if I have that trip, if I twist his arm, he'll fucking kill again. Yeah, pretty easy to trip to Europe. You're up. We got him addicted to Ambien. Yeah, that's right with man's. Yeah, we got him addicted to Ambien. We drank our faces off. I mean, our faces off. Do you remember that? Yes, there's a photo. Be on a plane like this and you took it and I mean, just we held him down. There's one, when we're in Ireland, he had a pimple on his back and we as a video of that somewhere and we popped it and he was like, no, screaming. That was wild. That was at the, the vicar street. Then we all pull our asses out on stage. Remember that? Oh, yeah, Torres. Cowhead came over. Cowhead, yeah. We told us crazy stories and then we did a, you puke at the airport almost. Remember that at like 7 a.m. in like Copenhagen? You were, I only you saw it. It was bad. It was bad. I was, I was trying to murder a beer. I wasn't that bad. In the middle of the airport, like, go hold on. I was at the bar. I was at the bar. I was at the bar. It was a guy recognized me, Mark's talking to him and I murdered my beer and I go, oh, it's coming back up. And I go, yeah, that's what I go. And I go, you guys got a problem. Marked him a piece of gum and he goes, and real quick, he goes, I'm a toothpick. And I put a toothpick in my mouth. I was like, can I tell you the thing? I was, I don't know. I was saying to someone. And I was like, so like, I've known you guys since you were young. Yeah. Like the, I'll say you guys and Gillis, right? Yeah. You've known us longer first. I've known, I've known you. I've known you. Oh, you guys. No, no, no, I'm sorry. And I remember being like, I love this guy. I do. Bert, I was selling t-shirts. You know, you're trying to make money as a young comic as a feature and Bert put gay porn in my merch bag. I was like, I like this. There's like instant light this guy. That's great. I get jealous when I see you guys on the road with your openers and I go, oh, we said it was me because it's fun. It's fun to make your crew, right? What's what's like? You guys both told me when I was doing theaters and doing arenas and stuff and you've been on the road with me. And you got to see my path up. And then, and then now you guys are all blowing up. And I really am jealous that I don't get to witness it. That I don't get to be a part of it. And then I don't get to sell my first two of us. I remember you FaceTime me from your tour bus. You were like, mine's bigger. Yeah. Like you guys are all, you guys are all going to the garden this weekend for Gillis tomorrow. I mean, I'm not, I'm missing all of this. I feel like, I feel like, like, you know, the dudes I, I know we all didn't start together, but the dudes I came up with, they're all the guys that are blowing up right now. I get really bummed that I don't get to like witness it first time. Come to New York and hang out, man. And that was the beauty of fully loaded. It was like a bus full of like big J soda. Stavros, the Santino Barbosa. I still remember Bobby Lee from the top bunk in Boston. I was so bummed. I was so pumped to hang with Bobby. Oh, he was bummed. Yeah. He wanted to. I remember everyone just making jokes on the thread and not realizing that he was like in the hospital. Canadians jumping in like, oh shit. And then he's like, he's in the hospital. I made the first joke. What was it? Oh, I don't know. If you think you had an Asian, I sounded Asian before. I remember the word being in there for some reason. Sure. It's on the comment. Yeah, fully loaded. It was a fucking blast. Oh, I can't, I can't. I can't afford you guys any more. As fun. Oh, fucking do that. No, no, no. It's, it's because I don't, I don't, I go through low agents and like, it's the right thing to do. I don't want to call you guys. I texted you. Yeah. When we were doing the cruise. I did the first cruise. And I said, I texted Mark and I was like, I don't want it done to your fucking manager demanded an answer the day I was puking into a toilet. And I was like, I was like, can you just wait till tomorrow? She goes now and I was like, well, then it's a no. I'm puking. I can't fucking commit the, you know, I can't, I can't argue about it. You're right. But I wanted to do it. I texted Mark and I was like, I want you to know. I want you on this. I don't want, I don't want offers coming in. You think I, I, I buy, I was like, I'm happy for you, but I just, I can't afford you. And I want you to know that I'm like excited that that's your quote, but like, I can't like, that was a very nice text, but like, I, but it's, it's, you know, it's, it's, it's such a bummer. I wish we did it for charity or something. So like, I wish there was a way to do it. So it was favorite. I wish Lewis ran it. So everyone did it for $700. Like Jesus Christ. Oh, Lewis told me I go, I go, how do you get so much people out there? He was, I don't talk to their agents. Yeah. What do you do? I don't give a minute. No, he just texts you homo. And again, again, no, we did a lease of this gang some Monday and we got a whole lot, well, Bert's coming to town, but he's not doing any podcast. We're like, yeah, yeah, he's not doing any pods. You know, he asked you about that. He's like, he said, you couldn't do the pod because it would look bad for the show. Free Bert. I didn't say that. But I, we don't have to do on that. Yeah, will they offer me Monday? I flew in Monday. I think I couldn't get there Monday night. I was doing this and I was doing, I was already booked up. Big J, hit me up what like fucking Sunday. And he was like, hey, are you going to be in town to do stuff? We got Monday. We got Tuesday. We got Wednesday. And I was like, those or Thursday, but it's all like, it's barmfire. Legion's gang was Monday. I would have loved to have done Legion's gang. Oh, well, fine. I'm fine with all three of us. Yeah, I would have loved to have done it. But I it's also like I am dealing with like, subtle health issues that I'm trying to like get my head around. Yeah, say, say, say, notice shit if you're not feeling out. So I mean, we've just seen you, but we also could just fucking hang out like if you're not up to shit. I don't want to ever feel like I don't want to feel like I'm blowing them off. Like Bobby tech Bobby called me last night. And I saw Bobby Kelly. Yeah, and I was like, by the way, the hero Bobby Kelly, you heard this story about him rescuing the fat chick. Yeah, no, I haven't heard of it. She fed. I don't know. It's when I hear the story. He helped Yamanika. No, he's fucking oh girl was drowning in Costa Rica and he swam out. By the way, this is so I love Mark. He liked the post and he didn't read it. I know he liked the post. And it came up like by Martin Norman. It's a long post by Bobby Kelly saying he swam out to a steep drop off. He heard a girl screaming for a life and he swam out and was like, he's like, I was a lifeguard back in the day. So I knew the training. Like don't don't belong to me. I'm going to that actually tracks for Bobby. Yeah, my opinion totally. And he fucking saved this girl's fucking life. And you know, he became a lifeguard just to get pussy totally. Yeah, yeah. By the way, ozampic might have saved her life. Are you right? No, he got like a surgery. He didn't. Oh, he got lap in. He got lap in. But but that there he is. Look at that. Whoa. Well, the stereo. That was horrible. That was horrible, Bobby. Wow. Good for you, Bob. Oh, dude, he risked. He only he could have died. Like it was. They say, don't, if you don't have a lifeguard, don't try to rescue a drowning person. That's how what's his name died from a fucking the oh, Huxable. Yeah, really? Malcolm Jamal won't die. That's how he died in Costa Rica because the waters are so bad there. And Bobby risked his fucking life and saved a girl. Whoa. I'm a very strong swimmer. I bet. However, yeah. I oh, oh, I almost drowned in a triathlon. I was I was dude. I dove in. I'm flying. I mean, I'm looking at around. I'm touching the toes of of the leader of the race. I'm looking over, and people are swimming sideways, and I'm like, I mean, I'm number two right now. I was like, I can't believe I'm, I know I'm a good swimmer, but I'm not like that good. I grew up swimming on swim teams, but I'm like, that, not that good. I get to the buoy, and I do this move I had seen online 'cause I'd watch a lot of, dry out a lot of videos. And it's like, where you flip over like this on your stomach and then do the turn. And I was like, fuck it, bang out the turn. I think I was coming to the second place. I bang out the turn, and a dude swims over my stomach. And all of a sudden, I slow down, and a hundred people swim on top of me. - Wow. - And they're like, and they had said, if you feel like you're drowning, just wave over one of the guys on the paddleboard that rescue, and my ego wouldn't let me wave them over. 'Cause I was like, hold on, I've been in bad water before like surfing and stuff. I was like, this is not gonna kill me. I can float on my back, and I floated on my back. I floated on a black, and then it was a large one. It's the opposite of Bobby's story, so I'm fucking. - That's all right. - You guys are doing too many podcasts. - And he's hung over. - I'm hung over shit. And so I grabbed this black, I get on top of him, and then I ride him into the shores, right? I told him, I was like, there's a, they're free. Wasn't that a little bit? - Free willy. - Free willy. - No, but the girl, I literally got on my back and like floated, caught my breath, started swimming in, and my daughters were there, and like, did you almost drown? - Whoa. - And I was like, yeah, almost. And they're like, we watched it, you almost died. - Oh, yeah. - So like Bobby doing this, you clearly must have been. - No, he wrote how scary it was, and how she or her instinct is to like grab him. He's like, he grabbed me, he'll pull me down and we'll both die. So he had to explain it, and he was like, a few feet out of it. - Okay, okay, hold on. - Dude, there we go, that's it. - Dude, you can't grab me. - Dude, dude, dude. - Yeah, grab me. We're back, go and fucking get him. - Good for Bobby. - Let me tell you something, okay? - Oh, what did I do, dude. - He was just fucking life. - What? - Yeah. - My hand, dude. - So what do you do, you just hold her arm and pull her? Like, how do you do it? - So you're supposed to flip them on their back, and then put your arms underneath their arms, and sidekick. - Oh, hopefully it didn't touch your hair. - Just grab her by the hair, even though you see as a video of Bobby just fucking ragged on some black chick by braids. - Get the fuck up here, dad. - Yeah, that was in trouble. - God damn it, you guys, and you can't really hear so there's other conversations closer to the camera. - You're not allowed in the ocean, dude. These are our beaches. Now, how do the daughters feel about the show? It's basically about them. - Yeah, they tried to kill it. - What? - Come on. - Yeah. - Get out of here. They're not gonna ruin their dad's work. (laughing) - They were pissing about it. - They were pissing about it. - They were like, you can't use our names. - Oh. - 'Cause they were like that for the movie, and I always thought it hurt the movie. I couldn't use my daughter's names, and Sasha and something else for the movie. And so I was like, no, I'm using your names. I gave you those names. I've talked about it in seven specials. - Yes, right. - The cat's out of the bag. And they're like, yeah, but you understand we're real people. And people are gonna watch us and think we did that. And I was like, it's not real life. It's a fictionalized version of real life. And then they watch the pilot. And there's a scene in the first episode where the dinner table where I've kind of fucked up royally. And they watched it, and it's hysterical. And they were like, all right, we're in. And I was like, real? And then I was like, if that's how you portray us. Like, we're fucking lighting you up nonstop. And I was like, yeah, that's how our real family was. - All right. - And so, yeah, they love it now. - I loved it, and I remember in Louis, he just made his wife black for season two. - I was so crazy. - He was so crazy. For no reason. He was a different woman in season one. He's like, yeah, she's black now. - Hey, Fresh Prince did it. - It's so funny. I wanted to make this. - They were both black. - That's true. - There's a therapist black, 'cause there's a therapist in this spoiler alert. - He says, maybe it's your mama. - What's the, that's good. - That's the worst joke I've ever made. - Oh, yeah. - Like, I was bad. - You do like your mama jokes. (all laughing) - All right, so you got an end word there. - We're really scraping the bottom of the barrel here. But we're sorry. - Come on. - You got it, Diamond Dallas. (all laughing) - Keep it coming. - By the way, did you ever think maybe I just wore this outfit as a rodeo clown for the comments? Just go, man, Burk didn't listen to Burk. Look at his fucking asshole. I can take the clothes off. - Dallas Byers Club if he didn't get eight. (all laughing) - I don't know what we're talking about. - Oh, you're show with the girls. - Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, the black therapist. - Black therapist. - And then, and they were like, it was, the principal of the school's black. And they're like, and in scene with the principal and the therapist, and they go, I think it's too confusing. They're gonna think they're married or related like. - It's all like, all right, let's make a blight. Because it was like, you need people to see things and a TV show quickly. - Yes. - Don't identify it. - Yes. - And I wanted that kid, I think he's gay. He does our specials every week. He's a comic, Josh Johnson. - He's not gay. - Not gay. - Oh. - No, I know. (all laughing) - I wanted him. - He's good. - I put it on. - He comes out with a lot of material, it just doesn't come out, you know? - Yeah. - Sam is on fire, if I thought that. - Damn it, it's a fucking buzzer. - You're really fucking draining him in a third quarter. - I have to make up for some of these earlier. (all laughing) - No, I thought he was gay. But I thought it would be cool to have him as the therapist, I thought, from that perspective, it would be fun talking to me, but they were like, you know, it's too confusing. So we do. - Right. - He'll be glad to know he missed out on this role. - No, no, no, no, no, no, he was off for only. - Oh, okay. - He was like, "I'm not reading for it." - Oh, damn. - That's cool. - Yeah, I mean, it makes the process a lot quicker. I was like, "We're not gonna hire you." No one's ever seen you act, so I'm not gonna hire you. Like, I wanted him. But he was like, "I only do offers." And I was like, "That's totally cool." - Oh, I wanted to read for him. He never texts him, "Listen, Homo, you do the fucking role." I wanted him to do it 'cause I was like, "I thought it would be good, but I wanted to read with him and see if our energy was good." - I don't know. I've only seen him online. I think he's really funny. - Couldn't be nicer. - Really smart, smart, and his energy's a little softer. So I thought that perspective versus me. - That's good. - That's a little frat boy. But I definitely wanted us to read together. It's funny, man. People who do offer only, it's basically a way of just turning it down. - I might start doing that because I've auditioned for 9,000 things I've never gotten one. - Don't do offer only. - Okay. - I'll tell you what, the people who weren't offer only, they're famous, you're like, "Fuck, bring them in." - Oh, really? - I can't say it 'cause I'm telling you who didn't get the role. I can only say it about Josh. I think he's a comic-cannon, really. - I'm hoping he does that. - Yeah, he does. - He's a cool guy. But like, I'll tell you, there were actresses. - Did you send him those flowers in the apology? For Nada? - I think he's great, man. I would love to have had him. - Yeah. - I would have fired the other black person to get him. (laughing) - Well, look at him smiling. - But no, but like, as far as the wife goes, we got the list and the list is like five pages long. - Yeah. - Of Ling-Anne. - Oh, wow. - And you get like, big fucking name. There were big names that were like, "You're willing to read." - I'll give you the names and then you just leave them out. - People need work. - Fucking. (beep) - From fuck. (beep) - Obviously. - Yeah. - I'll read with you. I was like, "I'll fucking read with her." - I will. - She's so hot. (beep) - Ah. - So you're at a certain (beep) and by the way, bleep even (beep) when Alex, it sounds really shitty. Like be careful with this. Just make it sound like I'm not outing anyone. - Yeah. - But like, but never Josh Johnson. - But Josh Johnson is cool. - He's a good guy. - But no, no, that would have been cool though. She's, she's hot. But yeah, and she's beautiful and she's wildly talented. And then like, dude, some of the people were like, you're like, "You're willing to read?" And they're like, "Yeah, man, I'm an actor." And then some people were like, "You would never fucking hire them?" And they're like, "Offer only." And you're like, "Okay, good to know." - Hard-passed. - Good to know. - Like, the fucking, I'm gonna say it, just bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. Not the hot one, her fucking fat friend. - I never watched the show. - I don't know who that is. That one, go back, that one. No coat, yeah. - Oh, she's (beep) - By the way, she's not fat. She's fucking hot. - She's fucking hot. - When he's talking (beep) - She's big. - Remember, did it around all these fucking names, please. - Wait, wait, have you never seen (beep) - Yeah, I don't like her, I don't give a fuck. - But have you seen (beep) - No. - What? - Great show. - No. - One of the best comedies I've ever watched. - Even edit the name of that show. This is so dangerous. - No, no, my first danger. - He's all out. - Fucking wash-head show. - I'm not gonna, but you know, when you go all- - That's fine, but you should still fucking wash-head show. - That's a great, it's one of the best comedies. - Is that real? - Yeah. - It's fucking brilliant. - Even edit her name out. - Wait, it looks fat. - God damn it. - Oh, sorry. (laughing) - I'm gonna (beep) - Send that cut. (laughing) - Just be careful with this. I don't wanna get fucking sued. - This is fascinating, who would keep scumbing? - It was, you know what, you know what, it's really crazy? So the guy who plays Landon. His name's Chris, what is Saki? - What is Saki? - And if you, I'm Saki, I'm sure I'm saying it wrong. He's the guy in the progressive commercials where they're like, "Are you turning into your dad?" - Oh yeah, yeah. - Yeah, he's on a sterical. - I don't know. - So this is, let me still recognize him. - You'll recognize him in a second. - All right, so what about him? - Just type in Chris with Saki. - Oh, his father was Saki, he's Saki $5. - He's type in Free Bird cast. (laughing) - I'm slipping. (laughing) - What did you say? You got it right there. - You must not want to compete in some jab too. - The Facebook commercial to the right. To the right, bottom to the right. Bottom to the right, bottom to the right. To the right, to the right. (dinging) That's it. That's it. That's it. Nope. That's on it. Go back. That's it. This guy. Yep. Yep. Yep. So okay. So the guy who was supposed to play his role in the pilot, like bailed the last minute and he's like, yeah, I got something else. I got to pay the gig. And this guy showed up as a favor to a friend. He was like, I'll do it like scale, whatever. It's few lines. So he comes in, does it? And then the show gets picked up. And then we have to think of a plot for the show because I didn't want it to be episodic. I didn't want every episode to be solved. Like the question family needs a birthday cake. They get a new dog. Like I start watching those and I just go, I watched three and I go, I'm done. I got it. Yeah. Yeah. Unless has to be wildly circle like flyers or flyers or tires or tires. Great show. You should have seen. Well, no, that was episodic back then was made sense because it was once a week. But when you air six, when you do six. And if you give me like 10 episodes of episodic, I'm not going to watch all 10. But if you give me black doves, have you seen that? No. Have you seen slow horses? No. Slow horses. So in the end of the first episode of slow horses. Did you not look? Yeah. Did you not look around the room and go, I'm watching fucking all of you. Yeah. Yeah. So I said to Netflix when I pitch a show, I said, I want it to be like slow horses and black doves. I want it where you watch the first episode at the end of the first app. The very last words that come under my mouth. You say, I'm, I'm into this character. And I want to follow his journey. That's this. And so I want you to binge all six. Yeah. So it's a story arc through the six. He's the only guy who farts more than Norman on fucking camera. Really? A carry-old man. Yeah. Oh really? I'm watching that. He's the best through it. That's slow horses and black doves are fucking. I got to watch black doves. Slow horses is phenomenal. Slow horses might be. I mean, the best series of every month. It's a great spy show, but it's also funny. You should. And what it what it does mark. And this is what I attempted to do. And I think when you, if you watch the first episode, the last words out of my mouth, you're absolutely going to go. I'm watching episode two. Because that's why I we're going to check it out anyway. I want it to be I wanted it to be an arc. So we do the pilot, right? We have the kind of the pilot lie locked in. And then we go, well, what's the arc of this story? What's the six episode arc? And we came up with this plot of a story that I had. I had a friend that it I knew a guy who had it happened in his family. And so I made that the plot line. Yeah. And in doing that, this character from episode one that was just doing a favor became very integral to the plot. So this guy Chris shows up to Atlanta to shoot. He thinks it's probably a couple days, like clean up the pilot. And he's in every fucking episode. And he's like, and he's like, he gets started. Have you read the script? He was like, no, why? I was like, you should. And then he comes over my room. He's like, dude, I'm in every episode. And we're like, oh, yeah, you're in every episode. So it just like changes everything. And he's like, holy shit. So like all of a sudden this story that was supposed to be about his family became this bigger story about the school and about the girls and about kids. And like, I did like lean into wild favors. I got Pac-Man Jones and and and T-Pain. Like I pain go. I was like, dude, can we use your house to shoot? And he was like, yeah. So we shoot at T-Pain's house with patterns. But, but yeah, I wanted it to be like so horses are blacked up so that by the end of the first episode. It carries through. Wow. Now, let me ask you because we've pitched a million. He had a show with Brian Cox that didn't go. Well, we're working on. No, I think I could still go. It's just fucking been two years. That's what I got. I got fucking Brian Cox and we're like, he loves it. It doesn't matter. It's crazy. He was the pitch in the room. I mean, you already have a relationship with Netflix. When did you have to really sell it, razzle dazzle, make it work shirtless, something. Initially, what I said, I went in. I went in. It was a bigger team at the time. It's a different little bit of a different team. And like I said, I want to say it was like two years ago, a while ago. These things take forever forever. And I said, I brought Leanne with me. Oh, dead weight. Oh, you have no idea. Oh, yeah. Because if I can't fucking so married to the fucking truth. Yeah. But if I tell a little bit of an exaggeration, because that's not what happened. I go, fucking stop it. We're in a fucking pitch meeting. We're trying to sell a fucking project. Come on. Yeah. I don't sound like that. But she's, but it ends up working. Because they think it's hysterical. What they're witnessing is the relationship of the wife. I didn't realize that. Right. So I told them we had just binged and people lose their mind when she comes out on stage. They love her. They love it. People like her more than they like me. And they barely fucking know her. She is awesome. I love her. She is awesome. And so. And so, uh, huge or? That's an old gun of that. Real quick when I was on the hospital bed. And I, and I clearly I'm diagnosed with blood clots in the lungs, but they're like, you're going to be fine. She starts giggling and I go, what? And she goes, maybe I'm going to be in this hospital one day and you'll be dying. And I cannot fucking imagine what a nightmare you're going to be then. I was like, oh, that's true. You're going to be with me the day I'm done. One day I'll be in there and it won't be funny. And she'll be like, there's going to be a long fucking day. Anyway, so we go into Netflix. We go into Netflix. I bring Leanne. And we had just binged slow horses. And we had just started black dubs. And at the end of the episode of first episode of black dubs, I realized what these series were doing was they were hooking me in the first episode. And I was like, and I was like, I want to do, I want to do a show about my family. And they're like, we'd love to. I said, I want to do a show about the period of my life 2016 when I kind of lost everything. And like I got five travel channel. Liam was, I didn't have any money coming in. I got kicked off the funnier die tour. All of that was the impetus for my career trajectory because all those things were my driving factors to get me to the next level. And the next level is like, fuck, fuck, fuck, funnier die doesn't want me on oddball. I'll create my own festival. You guys don't want to book me at your club. I'll sell my own tickets. Like everything was like, fuck this. I'll do it my own way. You want to kick me off travel channel. I'll start my podcast. I'll lean into it. I'll get my own ad sales. I'll make more than I made a travel channel. So these were all those moments, but there was a tremendous identity crisis that happened at the, in like, no, from November, September, October, November and December until things kicked up January 8th, right? January 8th, my life started changing last year, it's 2016. Oh, gee, sir. And so I said, it's all about this. And I said, but I go, I need you to think of that. I want to watch this trajectory of this man from his lowest, where he's lost and confused. And then he finds himself, but he fucks up the whole way, loses himself and then rediscoveres himself. But I go, but I want it to be like black dubs. And they're like, what? And I go, I want it to be like black dubs. I want it to be like slow horses. I don't want to do episodic where it's like a sitcom about the crazy family. I go, I want, I want it to be a serious story. I want it to be kind of like crazy. I want it to have heart. I want it to be like funny as fuck. But I want it to be this man's journey. I want you to, I want the first episode you go, look your wife and you go, I'm watching the whole fucking series. Yeah. And at the time they weren't doing that. They were doing like Lee Ann Morgan show and tires, which is all episodic. And so I was like, and they hadn't really thought of like a comedy that way. I don't think I know they didn't because they said to me at the premiere. Andy Wheel came up and he was like, you know, when you pitch this show, you pitch me black dubs. And I thought you're out of your fucking mind. And he goes, I just watched the first episode with this room. And he goes, everyone was going like, dude, they're playing another one, right? And he goes, we made what you wanted to make. I love what they did. I think you lost your mind. You're like, dude, it's my family, but my hunter. And they're like, watch. Yeah, but you have to, like, you know, the one thing I learned in like losing everything in 2016 and having nothing and being terrified of like what my career is going to be. I did, I did, I did Oxnard levity live. I got paid 25 grand and I was like, nice for New Year's Eve. Maybe 250 people showed up throughout the weekend. They lost so much money. But I remember driving back to LA going, I'm fucked. Like, this year's going to be bad. It's going to be really bad. People are going to lose money on me. And I'm going back to fucking $1,500 a week. What? I don't remember. We worked together in 2016, 2017. Yeah. I don't remember. I was like, 16, like a fire from travel channel. Thomas fat shaming me. My special did not perform on showtime at all. Oh, showtime. Yeah. And, and I got kicked off funny or die because they just tried to save money. Yeah. And they were like, just get rid of him. They didn't, I didn't, I didn't have hotel or flight or anything. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend to host for fun of your die. Whoa. And I was like, I was like, I'm fucked. I remember I did, I would do a club and no one would show up. And I was like, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. And then, and then two really big things happened. The machine story went viral and Tom and I did the fat shaming and we weighed in on Rogan. And then when I weighed in on Rogan, I started noticing, I started noticing in trends that like they were spiking. And I was like, whoa. And then I started tracking other people's spike. And then I discovered a show called Hot Ones reached out to that host. And I was like, dude, I'd love to do your show. And then Sean hit me up. He's like, we're getting like comedians. Come on. I did Hot Ones in 2017. Whoa. And then I started really taking control of my career. Silver October was the following year. There you go. And so huge. But it was like, it was like when you really, it was like, when you really just want to take charge of things. And so that's what I wanted the series to be about is about a guy getting back and losing himself. But losing yourself is so important. It's terrifying. I remember I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I remember it. But I don't think you've heard it. When I got kicked off Oddball, I know they didn't call. It's just like a fucking email. And they're like, that's for people that don't know. It's a big comedy festival. It was like the stamp of approval. - I don't know if people know what it is. - No, I think you're right. It was big in the moment, like Hannibal, Schumer, Aziz. - It was dying private everywhere. - Yeah. - It was like the Louie, Dane, fucking Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. It was huge. - Kevin Hart. - It was everyone. And then I got put on and they're like, "Yo, we got you on Oddball." And you know, like things like that for us, like Montreal or Aspen or Oddball. Just the offers, like, oh, it's like-- - Yeah, I'm in the mix. - It feels good. - And it was $2,000 a week for the weekend. No hotel, no flight. But I'm like, "Yo, I'm on Oddball, right?" And I remember I got kicked off and I called Tom and I said, "Do you know I'm not doing Oddball." And he was like, "Wow, yeah, they're pulling dates." He's like, "You got to get your money anyway." And I was like, "What?" And he goes, "They pulled some of my dates, but I'm going to get paid for it, fuck 'em." And I was like, "Really?" And he goes, "Dude, that's too much money." And I went, "That's $2,000." And he goes, "You get paid $2,000 a show?" I said, "No, a week." And I go, "Whoa." And he goes, "Whoa." And I said, "Wait, what are you getting paid?" And by the way, this is, you know, 2016, this is a long time ago with me and Tom. And he's like, "I don't know if I want to tell you." - Oh, God. - And I was like, "Wait, what are you getting paid?" And he's like, "Why don't you want it to fuck up, you know, our friendship?" - No. - Like, "Why are you getting more than $2,000 a week?" And he goes, "Substantially." And so I sat there and I said, "Hold on a second." And I literally sat and I thought, "Okay, I want my friend to succeed, obviously." Obviously, I do. I've always wanted my friend to succeed. I want to succeed too, but I'm not gonna be mad if someone blows up and I go, "Okay." So in my head, I go, "What number am I cool with him receiving?" And I was like, "All right." - $2,200, I said, "I said, I said $20,000 a weekend." Maybe $15,000 a weekend, $15,000 a weekend, okay. I go, "Dude, I love you and I want you to succeed." And I knew he wanted to buy a house. And I go, "How much money are you getting paid?" And he goes, "$20,000." And I went, "Okay, that's not bad." And he goes, "A show." And I went, "Woo, well, you had that hot Netflix special back in the day." - Wild. - Yeah. - Wild. I mean, all his specials have been fucking incredible. But he was, it was at that moment that I realized where I was in this business, like where my footing was, what my respect level was. I remember we did, you were at a fully loaded forest hills, right? - Yeah. - A forest loaded fully, whatever you know, I mean. - Yeah. - And he's not drinking. - Crazy show. It was a wild show. The lineup was insane. - Gillis, yeah. We went swimming after. - Yeah. - It was awesome. - It's when we found out Gillis is part manatee. - That guy. - He can hold his breath forever. - He's like Michael Phelps, but fat. - Crazy. - Dude, he should have been in Bobby's position. - Yeah. - He could have rescued McCusker's whole family. And so, there was an agent who had really got some good well-backed. - Yeah, no joke on the black chick joke, huh? Okay. - Oh, I didn't hear it. - I missed it. - Sorry. - I guess Mark tells him and doesn't listen to him. - I had an inhalation joke. - We had so much racy going out for it, I'm sorry. - And don't worry about McCukey. - Pull it back up. - Anyway, anyway, you get done. And there's reps there from all the big, you know, it's New York, so EG, everyone's out there. Everyone's out there to come, you know, see what happens. It's a big venue, it's an iconic venue. The lineup is fucking sick. Gillis, Nikki Glazer, me, you, Stavie. I mean, it's a crazy fucking lineup. - Stavie, not a great swimmer. Sank like a stone. - Yeah. Yeah. - Sorry. - The Greeks. So, someone at one of the companies goes, this is incredible man, congratulations. And I was like, thanks. And like, no, no, no, you sold out Forest Hills. Like, what, they're like, what made you want to do this? And I looked and you know when you just say things and you don't mean it, but you don't, you mean it, but you didn't think about it. And I go, no one would ever invite me to do this. And they're like, what, I go, I put this on because no one would ever invite me to do this. I never got invited to do these, so I made my own. And they were like, oh. - You're like the girl that people didn't know is hot. - I guess. - You're in high school. You're like, you know, like with her. And then you're like, no, I had to like figure it out. - Nice. - Dude, there are some, those sleeves out of that. - No, no, no, no, that's a great analogy. - You're more of the fat chick who's funny. (laughing) - I like Sam's better. - Oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. - No, but you know the girl that's a hot lady, dude. You know the girl that you work with at like a restaurant. And then all of a sudden, you're like, I'm not into her and then you kind of catch side-tick. And you're like, she got amazing tits. - Yeah. - And then you see her ankles, you're like, dude, she's fucking, and then she smokes me out of the world. - And then you see she's got a dick. And you're like, I'm still annoyed. I don't give a shit. It's about to be rosa. But yeah, I think my whole fucking, my whole energy's always been, push her, push her rock up hill. - Damn, I didn't know this 'cause we worked together in Ireland and you were selling out stuff. So I was like, I got this guy's cookin'. - That was 2018, probably. 2018. - Well, shit changes quickly. - It was definitely 2018. - Well, I mean, look, now you're doing arenas. You got the specials. You got a fucking free bird is on Netflix. Watch free bird. Now I can't wait to see. - Look great, it's not in my life. - Go see, look at that. - Look at that, look at that. - And go see, and go see bird on the road. Bird, where are you gonna be on the road? - I got, I'm at the Beacon Theater, April 23rd, 24th and 25th. - The best. - Oh, dude, what a room. - Oh, Dev, I'm definitely gonna- - What a nice show. - When you die in a week, I mean, this is gonna be quite a flashing before your eyes. You're gonna see so much cool shit. - I'll tell you, man, when life flashes before your eyes, when you sit there, if he was drunk, he would have giggled at that. - No, no, no. - It's like a very serious just happen. It just happened where I was sitting there and I was like, and you go, dude, I've lived a fucking career. No one expected this to happen to me. - Right. - No, you work hard. - No, no, no. When I was like, if I wasn't, if you met me in college, I see. - Oh, I see. - You'd be like, he's invincible. You'd be like, no, that guy, that guy fucking didn't do, he didn't study, he never went to class. He just fucking smoked weed, took his shirt off, fucking dicked around, didn't do shit. - You were vanwilder. - Yeah, and so, and now here I am. - And here you are, sober leather pants. - Career's over. - TV show. - TV show, I'm leaning into the TV show. By the way, please, I'll do a stand-up pose at the pit, when we post the picture of the three of us. Just have fun in the comments. - Yeah, I know, you know they will. - Oh yeah. - Leather pants, boots, and pants. - I got, I'm at Tampa, I'm in Tampa, at the Benchmark Arena. - Oh shit, hometown boy makes good. - I'm in Duluth, I'm in the Sanger Theater in Pensacola. - Oh, that's a shame. - Another show at the Sanger Theater in Pensacola, Albany, Albany, Boston, Massachusetts. We're doing a run of shows that-- - That's gonna be fun, but-- - At the way. - That's a great room. - Yeah. - Yeah, I got Daytona Beach. Oh, oh, fully, oh my God. Full throttle. - Let's do it. - Dude. - Teamed up a NASCAR. - Whoa! - To put on the party the night before the Daytona 500, me, Diplo, Ernest, and Leonard Skinnerd. - Oh, Ernest. - The Ernest. - Can I tell you what goes the camp? - No, you don't know Ernest? - No. Ernest P. Whirl. - So there's a group of, there's a group of, so in Nashville it's the writings very big, like the writing community. So these great writers, we'll all sit around and they'll write an album for like Morgan Wallen. And then Morgan Wallen will play those songs and then have a hit tour, hit album, and all those artists make money off. It's like if a comic, a big comic brought four comics to sit in the back and help write his act. And then he said, once this act goes out on Netflix, we're all gonna get a cut of the Netflix money, right? That's what they do. And Ernest is, if not, one of the top songwriters in all of Nashville. And he is one of the funniest guys in the world, like the quickest, funniest, just an amazing fucking talent but best hang. Dude, you guys, why are you still looking at Ernest go as the fucking jail after he said a word? - You need, you guys should go to Nashville to do a run of, they might be drunk, we might be drunk, and whatever it is, they might be giants. And you should do a run and hang out with some of these Nashville guys. They are the fucking best. - Okay. - So, this is the story we'll end on. I'll try to tell a funny story, 'cause I know that's what podcast wants. - Tip, low Ernest, yourself. - And yeah, so we're getting ready to close a deal with NASCAR. - Okay. - Go to the Daytona 600, you know, without the partner and dot, dot, dot. And yeah, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's a little burnt beyond your best behavior. So we're leaving. And all I gotta do is get in the car and go home, done. We're gonna partner, big, land of skinered, it's gonna be huge. Diplos close now with EDM, what's the EDM? - EDM. - EDM, EDM, redneck EDM. It's gonna be fucking wild. - Woo! - All I gotta do is get in the elevator and get the fuck out. - Yeah. - Walk down the hall, and there's like a fucking 13 year old boy comes out of this room with his mom, and he sees me and he goes, "Oh, the machine!" And I'm like, "What's up dude?" And everyone's like, "Oh, cool, recognize you." And he goes, "Can I get a picture?" And I go, "Yeah, sure, of course." And he's like, "Can you take the shirt off?" I was like, "Yeah, you can now take the shirt off." So I take my shirt off. I got like nine people behind me. - Space, you get the same story. - Yeah, they're 10 year old boy. - Put my arm around him. I got my arm around this child, and then his mom is like, my age, he gives his mom his camera, and his mom's like, "Who are you?" - Oh boy. - And I just look at him, I go on the gay porn star. - Yeah. - And his kid looks at me in the perfect timing and goes, "Real fucking cool dude." (laughing) You know, there's no way that kid's gonna convince his mom that he's a fan of a 53 year old comedian who performs shirtless and is named "The Machine." There's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube. I told them on Seth Meyers tonight, everybody. Hey, enjoy the show. Listen, I can't wait to talk to you guys when the cameras are off. - Can't wait, come to my special in Tampa, please. [BLANK_AUDIO] One show left, Tampa of February 26th. - February 26th? - Yeah. - Let's do a promo on my phone. We'll post on Instagram. - Oh, I love it, yes. - You are, listen, you guys are, I want to talk to you guys about comedy 'cause I'm doing, I'm reading a book right now about storytelling, 'cause I feel like for this next person, it's probably my last special. There's no reason to do a special anymore. Like what are we doing? When I did Secret Time, there was maybe, maybe a hundred specials released that year, right? You could stand out. What do you think with like 20,000 this year? - I mean, YouTube alone. - YouTube alone, every week, I mean, there's two of these. - In my last place. - For a while, that's true. - Tom's came out on Netflix along with Dave Chappelle, Ricky Jervais, and Marcel. I mean, there's like the whole week of specials. - I know. - Wow. - So like, you look at it and you go, I look at this and I-- - My show for a minute after this one. - I'm gonna do this one, I'm gonna do it in 2027. So I gotta build up time, I'm gonna work on it. But I started reading a book about storytelling. And I was like, yo, there's like seven story arcs. There's seven types of stories you can tell, right? Like Jaws, Forrest Gump, like there's all stories. And the only movie to ever have all seven story arcs in it is Lord of the Rings. The only book, right? - Is that right? - Yeah, it's the only movie to have all seven story arcs. It's really, seven basic stories is what it's called. It's what I'm reading. So I was like, yo, I should really challenge myself as a storyteller and try to like incorporate as many different types of stories in this as shorter as quick as I can. But I was like, that's the thing with joke writing. It's like, I was like, what when you write, are you guys always trying to write the perfect joke or perfect the joke? - Perfect the joke. - So take your joke to work, take it hard. - Holding it. - Holding that joke. - Yeah, joke. - So everything for you, 'cause I was thinking about this, I'm trying to build a log cabin, where you guys are just whittling and going, that's the perfect log cabin like this. - A lot of whittling. - Yeah, for sure. Although I gotta get that storytelling book to my wife 'cause she stinks. (laughing) But yeah, I like that, that's good. - But like I said to myself, I'll do this special in 2027. And then I go, I'm gonna take a break. I'm gonna take a break. - I'm gonna take a break. - And so I'm gonna really work on this one and try to make it like stand out. Crazy pants. Jacked. - Yeah. - Shredded. - The thumbnail along. - Spray tan. - Well, we gotta wrap this up, 'cause we gotta dinner at it. - Let's go dinner. - We have two bites of fish. And Mark and I are gonna feast. - Oh yeah, I'll eat the rest of the ears. - I love you guys. - We love you dude. Congrats on everything. And so good to see you. - Thank you guys. - Don't die. ♪ Sunday's the day for my next spender ♪ ♪ A bit of pivorec, you know the future's close ♪ ♪ I've had a little too much first ♪ ♪ And Norman's talking shit about the fuckin' post ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ Up on the roof like a cop's comin' ♪ ♪ And they could send you well as feeling dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪