Ep 266: Chelsea Handler

(upbeat music) - Hi boys. - Hey. - Hey. - Hello, hello sir. - How are you? - How are you? - How are you? - How are you? - Hi, good. - Mark Chelsea, how are you? Where do you guys want me? - Right here, yeah. - Okay, I love it. - That's your mic. - Look at that, look at that. - Yeah, can we get you something to drink? - Oh yeah, well yeah, I want a drink. - No pressure, no pressure. - Oh, I want a drink, I love drinking. - We'll drink whatever you drink. - Oh, I'm a tanker with a splash of soda. - Who's making the drink? - The big man. - Oh God, I don't know if you're gonna make it. (laughing) Do you guys have short glasses or only these tall glasses? - We don't need whatever you need. - Whatever you want. - Whatever you want. Oh my God. - I got a dreidel sippy cup. (laughing) - I like a short glass. - Okay. - I gotta go to found one after this. - What? - What? - Oh yeah, he'll be buzzed. - He's someone of those. So what's to, are you a comedian? - Yeah. (laughing) - No, we met you. - What's up, what's up, what's up? - It was so good. - Are we dead? - Yeah, well, you did some interview with her at an outdoor amphitheater and that's like Santa Barbara. - Yeah, the San Diego. - San Diego. - Were you opening for her? - I was, yeah. That was a wild ride. - Yeah, I remember that. You guys helicoptered in, right? - That's right. Pre-Coby. - You can be generous with the ice. I love ice. I just came from Antarctica. So I'm trying to forget some more. - Not the border patrol. - No, not border patrol. But don't be shy. Fill it up with ice, please. I don't mean to be bossing you around, but I absolutely mean to be. - No, we like it. - Yeah, I know. You guys need some female energy in here. There's too many men, right? - Yeah. - Wow, well, I'm so excited. Who DM me? You did? - Who DM me before, but not for this? - I, who's you? - Somebody DMs me. Look at that, working itself out. I love one shit works out. - By the way, congrats on the people's choice of words. - Yeah, four kill. - The critics choice of words. - Sorry. - We killed it. - We both watched, though. - You did? - Yeah. - The monologue. - Yeah. - I just figure straight guys don't really watch shows like that. - No, we watched this. - It's coming off. - Yeah, thanks. - Yeah, but I'm glad I watched. It was funny. - Yeah, thank you. - Yeah. - I love the Cialis line, the Sean Penjo. - Oh, yeah. - The opener is the most important joke. - Uh-huh, yes. - And you nailed it. - Yeah, thank you. Thank you. I like those kinds of events. I like to go out and do that stuff. It's fun. - It's tough get it. - I look forward to looking at these people in the eye and saying fucking shit. You know? - Yeah. - It's fun. - Has there ever been one that you regretted? Where you're like, I'm gonna send that one. - I don't really care. - I have a couple of drinks and you when you do it? - Well, I had, no, I had probably a sip of a drink. - Okay. - 'Cause I had a bad cough and so I was trying to suppress it. And thank you. - No cranberry? - You created that. No, it just soda, right? You put a little soda in there? - Yep. - Great, love it. - I'll have what she's having. - I'm doing a drink. - I would love one, man. - I love those guys. - Cheers. Cheers, lots of times. - Cheers. Nice to see you. - Woo! - Woo! - I like that. It tastes like summer. It is summer actually in Antarctica, it's summer right now. - Oh, really? - Mm-hmm. - It has no comedy over there, right? - There is some comedy there, yeah. I don't know if it's worth going for the comedy, but there is comedy. - All right. - You can find comedy almost anywhere if you look hard enough. - I guess that's true. Syracuse, Rochester. Buffalo. - Buffalo. - Three. Syracuse is the saddest. - Yeah. - That's the least favorite. - Is it sadder than Buffalo? - Yes, I think. - Do you think so? - I way higher suicide rate, right? Buffalo is pretty bad. - Look at the jacket, he's wearing, you're killing him right here. - And the Rochester, what about Rochester? - I like Rochester over Syracuse. - Over Syracuse. - Definitely, interesting. - I think Syracuse is where everyone kills himself there, right? - Mm. - All the writers are there, this is a brooding energy. - What about Cleveland? - I like Cleveland. - I like Cleveland. - I don't. - I think if you have sports teams, you have at least enough of enthusiasm or morale. - Some hope. - Sometimes. - I've started betting on sports to gauge to become peak my interest. I'm dating a guy who's really into gambling or football, basketball gambling, and the only way for me to pay attention is to. - But money on it. - They should be aiming these ads at women. That's a great point. - Yeah, so like now I'm fucking in. I'm like, let's go. I'm like, let's put fucking five grand on this game and like, five grand? - Yeah, yeah, we're up like 14 grand right now. - Holy shit. - We're gonna go to the next game tonight. I'm gonna bet on that too. - We'll play the Clippers tonight, that's it, all right? - Yeah, so I'm gonna take the next. - This is a must win. - I'm learning about spreads. I'm fucking anyway. I mean, as soon as this relationship is over, I won't remember the thing, but I do love to gamble. - You might take the gambling with you, it's fun. - I love gambling. I love gambling, I love blackjack. When I go to Vegas, I have a residency in Vegas whenever I go there. I take everyone who comes to my shows. We all go out after, I give everyone money because I don't want to force people to gamble with their own money. - Sure. - I give them money, we always win. If they lose, I go back and win my own money. - Dan. - Really? - Never leave without what I started with. - Okay. - That once has that happened. - Wow, I've never won once. - I don't win. - Well, I can't do math. - I'm horrible at math, so. - I get drunk and I just put it all in one hand and then I just lose. - No, I'm very calibrated. I'm quick, I know what's, I'll split twos against a king if I'm feeling lucky and fucking win. I'm lucky. So when people gamble with me, they usually do win. - What about crafts? - I don't really know crafts. - Too much. - Roulette and crafts, like I just have to be, I have to have an advisor with me. - Yes. - Someone else, another gambler. - Right, right. You bring Yamanika out, right? - Yeah, I bring Yamanika out. - Oh, that's fun. She's fucking, yeah, well, she's fucking crazy. - She's crazy. - By polar. - Oh, yeah, all that. - You don't know what you're gonna get. She was a writer on the Critics' Choice Awards. - Oh. - She was one of my writers. So throughout the day, we're rehearsing. We're changing the jokes. We're crafting the monologue. And every time she comes into my trailer, it's like, you know, you don't know who the fuck is coming into your trailer. You don't know if she's going to cigarette, or join, she's in a good mood, if she's crying, you know, if she's a mess. - Yes. - And she's never gonna get a lot of more writing work. When you're talking about it like this, she's a disaster, she's on drugs. - Right. - She's a drug addict, she's a prostitute. (laughing) - Nazi, motherfucker, keep going. - She's not a Nazi, I don't think she is not a Nazi. - They're not good writers, I don't think. - No, they never have been. - No. - Mm-hmm. That good stuff. It was all performance. The substance wasn't great. - Yeah, there wasn't a lot of substance, but it seemed that idea definitely took-- - It took off. - Yeah, it sure. - It definitely was good. - It had Jewish producers it felt like. (laughing) - Very persuasive. - No, that was awesome though. I love the Rob Reiner tribute at the end. That was awesome. - That was nice. - Oh, thanks, yeah. I had spent some time with Rob Reiner and his wife Michelle Reiner in the last few months. Like we had did her a couple times. More than I would normally see them. I mean, I've known them for a long time, but so it was particularly, we had dinner in Obama at a friend's house in Obama showed up a few months ago last year. - Nice. - So we kind of have this like really funny crazy night that happened to all of us together. And then I had dinner with them again a few months ago and with Maria Shriver also. And Rob was just kind of like the best guy that there is. He's like Adam Sandler, you know? The best guy to everybody. And also really like a good listener and a lover of like family. And you know, just the kind of guy you wanted to be your dad. - Sure. - Like I wish he was my dad. - Yeah, of course. - My dad was a mess. - I would have liked a little Rob Reiner in my life. - Of course. - Yeah. - And he was a run. - And yes, so talented, too. - So talented. - That range is insane. To make like misery and princess bride. - That's insane. - Princess bride was just amazing, did he write that? - No, he directed. - He to who wrote it. - That's a hell of a question. We got the Google bitch right here. - Yeah, what? - What do we Google in, guys? - Who wrote it? - Who wrote it? - Oh, I see. This is how you operate your podcast. We just Google today. - Well, William Goldman. - Is that right? Didn't he write Lord of the Flies? - Oh, did he? He's cute, though. - I can't be right. - I like Marathon man. - Well, that's a good one. - Oh, is it safe? - Dustin Hoffman, baby. - Princess bride. Eventually she didn't screen trade, I guess. How about that? - So were you pretty close with Rob? - No, I wouldn't say we're really close, but he's political, I'm political. We communicate a lot about that. We run a lot of the same chats and group chats. And whenever we hung out, yeah, I've been to their house and had dinners there. And yeah, I mean, he's a, he's, yeah, I loved him. I can't even imagine it. It's just so horrifying to even think about what happened. - Yeah, that's crazy. - It's just so disturbing that that's how he goes out. He and his wife. - I know. - You know, that's how you go. That's your last, like those kids that are, his, other two kids, like how do you, how do you even push it together? - Any problem to parties? I want to go to Conan's party, yeah. - What the hell? - Yeah, I get an invite to that. Do you know Conan? - I've done the show, but it's over. - Well, you obviously didn't make that much of an impact. - I did it eight times, though. - Mark did one of the greatest things. - Eight times, that's a lot. - The first time Mark did Conan. - We didn't get in with him. - This was a ballsy ass move. You were super young comedy. Mark killed and then Conan came over to shake his hand and Mark grabbed Conan's tie and dapped his forehead with it. - And that took him over. - It did not go over. - No, he didn't like it. - We loved it at home. - Thank you. - It was big at home, but. - But yeah, maybe that's why I didn't get the invite. - That's funny. - Yeah. - But sweet man, big fan, big fan of the cone zone. - Yeah. - And you want to, yeah, put it out there that you want to get invited. He said, actually, I bet you he's not having another Christmas party after that. - Oh, that's a good point. - Yeah. - Damn. Yeah, that was. - It's so, it's, it's all right. - Too soon. - All right. - Well, let's all come out in a week. - So, what's the process? I mean, how much do you run that set when you're doing that? - Oh, yeah. - For the critics choice? - Yeah. - Like two times. - Really? - At what a comedy club or what? - Oh, at rehearsal. - Oh, wow. - I can't believe it. - I'm not one of those people that practices things a lot. I'm not interested. I mean, when I'm on tour, I do my show. - Sure. - But when I'm doing the critics choice and worth it, [BLANK_AUDIO] running around town running that set. I just, we write it and I run it like twice or three times maybe and then rehearsal and then where you, and then you know, it changes all the time up until the last minute. - Yeah. - Like Leo was, was not gonna be in the audience, he was on his way. Timothy Shallamy was six. So we had all these like opening bits. You kind of have to be really flexible and you're like, well, that's not gonna work if Timothy's not in the audience. He was six. So we didn't know when he was in the audience. - Tim, I know you have COVID, but I got a really good opener about it. - Yeah. - Can you get in here and then Leo was, you know, on his way and he was gonna be in the audience. And then we were all like, let's just focus on Leo. Let's do that bit. - Yeah. - So we did that. But yeah, no, those things are just fun and I like setting the tone for things. Like I like walking out on a stage kind of like, you know, when you're doing a show, stand up. - Sure. - I like coming out on stage and being like, this is the vibe. This is what we're doing. Let's bring it up and everybody like set the tone for everybody to follow the tone. - You got to tell Joe Koy how to do this. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe Koy has got a different tone. - That's true, that's true. But yeah, there's a great set. You just look so poised. You have no fear in your face. No nerves or anything. - Oh, well, thank you. - I don't know how you do it. I would have to run it over and over and yeah. - Yeah, we did a thing for Netflix where we just roasted the year and we ran it to death. - Oh, really? - We did like a few a night because we did it together and we just were playing off each other and we did a few a night to do it. - It was tweaking and always rewriting and changing it. - You know, I think it's probably from years of doing my talk shows and writing monologues every day that you just kind of get into the zone of monologue writing. So it's not like a feat. It's like, oh, I can write a monologue. That's the easiest thing for me to write. Like a comprehensive look at all the movies and what's nominated. To me, I can take in information and regurgitate it pretty well. So that's a strength that I do have that I am good at. So yeah, I don't over think shit. - Yeah. - Do you think about doing a talk show again? Was this, no? - No. - No, my life is a fucking dream. I mean, there have been moments where the opportunities seem to present themselves or, you know, possible opportunities. And I just can't be tied to a studio for five days a week in the same city. I would be, you know, I always say I'm open to talking about it, but I don't know. I like to, I'm a wanderlust. I like to bounce around the world. We talked about this when you were on my podcast 'cause you said, you don't really like to travel. - No, I like to travel, but you don't. - I'm so burned out from touring that I'm usually like, I just want to stay in New York for a while. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I like to just, I don't like to sit still for long. Like, I go to Whistler. I'm going to Whistler tomorrow. I have a ski place there. I spend my winters there. I have a nice little like, you know, ski vibe going up there. And then, why am I talking about this? - Because you have a host in a show. - Oh, yeah, I just, I have so much, yeah, good job, guys. Good job. - Married. - I have so much freedom. My life is so free and I feel so very, I feel like it is the most valuable thing that no one tells you about when you growing up, like how to remain free. - Right. - And my freedom is really important to me. I like the idea of not having to check in with one single fucking person about anything I do. - I gotta get a divorce. (laughing) - No, I mean, I get a divorce, Amy's getting one. (laughing) - Do we get a divorce, Amy? - We're gonna run it back. - Yeah, let's do it. But all right, I like that, because you know, people always say, would you ever do SNL? And I'm like, that's a job. I'm a comic. I get to fuck around, right, jokes, go on the road. It's great. I don't tell them all day. - Yeah, I like, as a woman also, like there's, I have a sense of a real, like fierce independence, like I'm very serious about not relying on another person for anything. And so I like the way that I've kind of created my life. And I take it pretty seriously. Like I take having a good time pretty seriously. I work my ass off, but when I'm not working, I'm having a really good time. - Yes. - And I think that that is really, like a really valuable, something I like to impart to a women because, you know, we are, we try so hard sometimes. - Yeah. - And you don't have to take things so seriously. - Here, here. - Yeah, I mean, we have a drinking podcast. We try not to take anything seriously. - Yeah. - I mean, we complain about coming, we complain about coming to work. And then they're like, what are you doing for work? We're like, getting drunk with my friend in the afternoon. - Comedians talk that hard. - Yeah. - Tell them jokes. It's a good time. - I heard you talking one of the other monologues about how, you know, you hosted, you were one of the first female talk show hosts. And now there's no female talk show host. Is there anyone you look at, like if you don't want to do it, they like, she should have a talk show. - I don't know, talk shows don't seem to be. - They're dying out. - It's still not the thing right now. - I think they need to revamp it though. - They need to re-yeah. Like the Chelsea lately style format would be great for somebody to do. - Yeah. - I'm not interested in that, but I would love for somebody to do it. That's at least exciting. And you have like a voices and comedians with different perspectives coming together and it's entertaining. So that's a nice, that's a nice like kind of a format. But the talk show has it exists now. I mean, I think we're all kind of wrapped up. You know what I mean? - It's over. - That one's blowing us like away. - That's where we're on a podcast. - I mean, yeah, we're, yeah. We're, I mean, Netflix just bought my podcast. - There you go. - To put on Netflix. Like our podcasts are turning into the talk shows that we're supposed to be on camera. - Here, here. - I mean, it's just like a, like a circular chain. - We know it's weird, like when they had silent movies, the logical next step was talking movies. - Yes. - This is not a logical next step. It's like we went backwards. - Yeah, yeah. It's like when the phones get, they start out small and then they get bigger and bigger and then you're not talking on the fun on a fucking iPad. I thought we were having a flip phone. What happened? - Right. - Everything is very cyclical. It just goes around and around and around. It's like, you know, like ABC and BC, CBS. - Yeah. - Then all this Netflix. And now they're all amalgamating and it's gonna be three networks again. - Right. Right. That's crazy. - It kind of all just kind of comes back to the basic. It just stills back down to what it started as. - Yeah, like I listen to podcasts all day. It's just radio. I'm just back on radio. So it's true. But that show of yours, people don't give it to do. It broke a ton of people. I was a young comic. I got to open for a Sarah Kelona and all these comics and Natasha Lajero 'cause of your show. - Oh nice. - They all got to pop from that. - Yeah. - I don't know where the half of them are now, but they had a hell of a run. - Yeah, they did. They did. They started so nice and they just insulted a bunch of them. - Well, no. I have fortune. - She's doing great. - She's doing great. - She's doing great. She's doing great. - She's doing great. Who else was on that show? Lots of people. Kevin, yeah. Kevin Hart, Joe Boy, Whitney Spears, Whitney Spears. (laughing) Whitney Spears. - Whitney, what's Whitney's, go coming. - Go coming. - Whitney Cummings. - Yeah, Whitney. - Whitney Spears, both dance with knives. - Yeah. (laughing) - Either one of you ever had sex with Whitney Cummings? - No. - No, no, no. - She tried, but no. - No, no, no. - Yeah, she's crazy. - She's crazy. - That would end badly. - I tried. She gave me so many pills I passed out. - Yeah, yeah. - Couldn't get through it. But we've had her on here. She's fun. - Yeah, Whitney's a good time. - Yeah, but yeah, I overall just feel that. That show was a launching pad. There was always a launching pad show and that was one of them. - Yeah, you made a lot of careers. A lot of comics careers. I think Josh Wolf said he didn't really do stand-up, right? - It's another one. - I mean, maybe he didn't do it hard. I mean, a bunch of people we talked to, they were like, oh, shit, I gotta get good at stand-up 'cause I'm on Chelsea show. - Right, you know? - Oh, yeah, 'cause it was a nice little feeder for, yeah, you could go and get a, yeah, it was a great show. It was a great time. It was seven years, and then I was like, fuck this. Seven-year-edge. I can't really commit to things for longer than seven years. Seven years is pretty much the, there's a reason why they say the seven-year-edge is true. For work, for relationships, seven years is pretty much, it was like pushing the limit of something. - Yeah, a lot of them. - Everybody needs a break. - Yeah, no, I agree. You got something there. - Yeah, I don't want to commit to anything for more than a couple of years at most. - And the show. - I don't like that kind of long-term. - The show is a hit, so why bring, you know, it's like asking Seinfeld to do another sitcom. You know, it's, you did it. - Right. - It's over. - Yeah, it's over. Yeah, a lot of nostalgia, so that's nice though. - Yeah, yeah. Would you do a talk show if you got offered? - I mean, we kind of do one. I, as she said, I guess it's true. It's not, like, if you want an NBC type show, I don't know. I mean, like, yeah, I like jokes, so I like the weekend update types. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - I like Bill Marr, even though I don't like Bill Marr. I like the show. - Okay. - I like watching. - Yeah. - I like watching that. I like that format. I like that. - It's a great format. - Because that's a great. You're getting a great interview at the top. You're getting a great debate at the table. And then he does his new rules. And that's good. - And the writers are very good. - And the writers are great. - Yeah. - And he's really smart and he could go back and forth and argue and he's not a pussy about it. - Right. - You know, so I appreciate that show a lot. - Yeah. - I like that format. - Cable, but that, you know, that, in a sense, is like a structured podcast more than a talk show. You know, it's uncensored. There's no breaks. - Mm-hmm. - I mean, it doesn't feel like, I mean, even this is ad breaks. - Hey folks, we might be drunks running by Shopify. You know that I did, you've had forever. Well, the thing everyone tells you, you should sell that. And you just nod and go, yeah, maybe one day. Well, 2026 is the year. You stop talking about it and actually do it. One move puts you in control. Start your business with Shopify. Shopify, sorry. Shopify. 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That's true, but we don't have those annoying applause breaks. He gets an applause break. Every sentence like I'll write on it. He's okay. I also don't love when comics stand on stage and laugh at their own jokes. He does a lot of- We did right half of them, probably. So he's like, "This is the first time I'm here in this, this is killer." Yeah, maybe, that's funny, but I don't love that. I don't love when people are like at their own shit. It's like, "Really? What are you laughing at?" So you don't like a chappelle? Is he laughing? I haven't seen him. Well, I don't like hitting. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. I think it's a nervous, it's a nervous thing. You think Chappelle's nervous? No, but I think, but I think it's, yeah, maybe performance. It's a tick. It's a tick, yeah. No, I don't think he's nervous, but I think it's like, it's when I'm on stage to perform. You touch your lip. I've seen that a lot. You saw that once. Once. Something was on my lip. Yeah, it's interesting. You wrote like a bunch of books. I read the "Hard Not a Life" one. It's hilarious. Oh, you did? Yeah, it's very funny. That was about all my one night stand. It's a funny book. My wife is a stack of those books. Yeah, big fan. I love that. How hard is that to just sit down and do? How long does that take you? You know, it depends on where you are in your life. I mean, I've written a lot of books. It's kind of crazy. I mean, I'm the only person in my family who's never gone to college and I have seven New York Times bestseller. So I'd like to fucking rub that in their faces. Hell yeah. Other than sisters or six of us. And I'm the youngest. So that was nice. I mean, it's kind of crazy when I hear it, you know, and it's like, "Oh, you've written seven books." But it's a good way to work your brain out. I mean, I'm all about like, there's a lot of crossover. It was stand up in my docs. Right. There's a lot of like books. I put some act in there. Yeah, I put a lot in my stand up or I take stuff from my books and be like, "I've never done this on stage. I'll tell this story on stage." But yeah, I'm impressed with myself when I'm looking at this screen. I'm like, "Oh, that is cool." I don't know how you do it. The first book deal I ever got, I got 35. Everyone said no. Everyone said no. They're like, "This is too busy." And you picture it as my one-night stand? Yeah, horizontal life, a collection of one-night stands. It was like 10 chapters about 10 different one-night stands. And then everyone said no, they all passed. And then I got an offer from Bloomsbury, this UK publisher. They paid me $35,000 for my first book. That's what I got paid $35,000. Then they sold it in like a 211 countries or something crazy. And so I got all this money coming in from these Frankfurt book fairs. And I was like, "This is amazing. Maybe I'll just be an author." And I would be an author. It's like, "Don't be an author. It's fucking a nightmare." But that was what I got for my first book was $35,000. And then my second book, I got $2,000,000. Oh, shit. And I was like, "Wow." Holy shit. I know. Holy shit. I know. So that was really cool. Damn. Yeah. And then sometimes when you have a huge book hit, you just, you get these residuals every year. And you're like, you get checks for like, amounts of money, you can't even imagine. Really? Yeah. And that just show up and you have no idea. So it's a great way to make a living. So whatever told me not to do that, it was an idiot. That's incredible. But it must be so rare, like right in the hit book. Yeah, I don't know. People don't read like Hitler wrote a book. He wrote a big one. He's got a big one. That was a beautiful book. Still selling. Yeah, it is. Quite well actually. It's funny that they haven't banned that book. You're right. They're banning mouse, but not that. What the fuck? Yeah. Things are off. No. We have Nick Fuentes on Nick. But yeah, no, I'm joking. I have a, I have a baby now. And I'm reading all these kids books. How did you get a baby? I don't know. Jizz and a lady. Oh my god. How many babies do you have? Just one. That's too many. He's at a Somali daycare right now. No. But he, we have all these kids books. And they're so stupid. It's like the cat. I got you a couple of them too. Thank you. Yeah. But it's like the cat went meow. That's one page, second page, like the clock goes tick and you're like, boy, this is a short book. Yeah, you're like, this guy's probably a zillionaire. Good night, Moon. That books in every house in America. Yeah, that's a good book. That's good night, Moon. I mean, I'm so confused about where the moon and the sun are, but I agree. I mean, it didn't really lay anything out for me. It's a hole in it, I think. But the moon is a real subject matter. It's the rhythm, really. It's like, it's a constant. It's like a lullaby almost. Yes. Yes. We do it before he falls asleep. He loves the book, but I don't get it. Cow jumps over the moon. That's a whole page. It's insane. Something sort of a central bit. Well, see, that's a real book. Yeah. I'll have what she's having. That's right. Yeah. Were there any authors here? Like, this is who I want it? Like, David's there. I've seen you say, okay, so funny. Yeah. I mean, I read his books. I didn't realize, like, that you could write books that didn't connect to anything, that you could just write disparate chapters about whatever and have, like, so when I read David, like, I read Barrel fever or, you know, naked or one of those at first, and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is, I could do this. This is what I want to do. It was like, right, just 10 short stories and put them together, like a book of essays. And as soon as I realized that you could do that, and there's a formula for that, then I was like, oh, okay. So that's how my first book, I mean, I've told David this when I've seen him. I'm like, you're responsible for my writing career. He's like, I don't want that responsibility. But yeah, he's, that's gotta be, that was like the first book. Barrel fever was like the first book that I had read where I just was fucking laughing. Yeah. Like, you know, when you laugh out loud reading a book, like, that's very common. Yeah. No. So that was fun. And I loved that feeling that it invoked and evoked. I was like, this is cool. If I can make people like, how will like this, with my storytelling, I, then I would, that's exactly what I'm after. Total, I was, and in the beginning of my career, it was very much about the funny, funny, funny, funny. As I got older, it became more, you know, like colorful and more evolved. And like, there was more depth. But in the beginning, it was just jokes, you know, I wanted people to laugh and make people laugh. So that was a great, it was great for me to be able to like, use his template and, and make something. Totally. And I don't think there's a ton of books by women about, here's all the guys I fucked. That's why my wife was like, this is so cool. This is, I've never read this shit before. I know. That's where I read it. I was like, I've never heard a woman talk like this. I was kind of like, this is cool. Yeah. Well, yeah, because that's what we're all doing in our 20s. I mean, not all of us. But most of us, those fucking guys, you know what I mean? Just the guys are fucking women. And then for some reason, we're not supposed to be talking about why not? I know. I agree. I want to talk about that stuff. Bring it on. We want to hear it because women are in the dark usually about that. So I'm like, let's see, let's get it out. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I was reading the other team's playbook. Yeah. This is fucking cool. Exactly. Yeah. Cause we don't know what the hell's going on. So we want to, we want to hear your thoughts. No, you definitely don't know what's going on. I feel bad for guys. You guys don't know what's going on. Clueless. No. What do you think is going on? I just know it's bad. It's a big question. It's all I know. Yeah. I don't know what's going on in that head. But we want to know, but that women get mad if you don't know. It's tough. It is hard. It must be hard for men because it's confusing. It's confusing. You're being told a lot of things. Right. You don't know which what's right. What's wrong? You don't want to fuck up, but you can't help yourselves. Yeah. And it's hard being a straight white guy. If you're sensitive and you feel like you're constantly being attacked by the female race or sex. I'm okay with that. I'm used to that. Yeah. Oh, that's good. That's a good attitude. But it's just tough. Cause you know, I think we go women do this or women are like that. But if women are nuanced and different and complex, you know, like I feel like more like a dude than I feel like a woman. Right. Even though I'm a woman. Yes. I'm a woman. But I my my my tendency is male. I want I'm more like a guy. I'm not interested in the things that most girls are interested. Yes. Exactly. I'm not looking for, you know, jewelry and boyfriends and that. I'm looking for like good times. Yeah. Casual sex. Randoms. Jesus. The travel adventure. I'm like, you know, I'm like a thrill seeker. So it's too bad you're taken. I feel there's a real something here between salmon. Yeah. Oh, you feel chemistry. Oh, yeah. Well, he likes blonde. He likes. I do. I guess I did a lot of blondes. Oh, yeah. I only know about Taylor Tomlinson that you dated. I don't want to say the name for the other job. Why not? And I want it. Why? Nikki Glaser? No, I don't know who else is blonde. Amy. No other comics. No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. Any other comics you did? Judy Gold for a man. I fuck Judy Gold. You fuck Judy Gold. Many times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, when was this? And 88, 88, 88. I was two years old. It was. I used to strap on a fucker. My dick wouldn't work yet, but uh, I turned her. Yeah. She was like, this isn't working for me. You turned her into a comic. That's what you turned her into. She was like, you know, she didn't do comedy before that. Right. Thanks a lot, Sam. No, I feel like you spend your money on like memories and stuff, which is cool. Like experiences. And not super. Like, you're not, doesn't seem like mature. I mean, I like nice things. Yeah. But I'm also, yeah. No, I like a nice, comfortable lifestyle, but I'm also not serious about, you know, marriage, children, all that stuff. That's never been in my, on my purview. I'm not interested. To me, that's just logical. I want to be untethered. I love this. You know, I don't want to check in with anyone about what I'm not up to. Here, here. You speak in my language, sister. Yeah. No, I get you feel smothered easily in a relationship. I totally sense that. Yeah. Did you? Do you feel that? Of course. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, do you feel smothered when you're really? Yeah. Of course. Anyway, I also, yeah, if they start doing stuff in my apartment, I start to be like, oh, this is making me crazy. I'm like, I had a girl over and she just put one of my sweatshirts in the dirty laundry bin. And it wasn't dirty. And I was like, just a little thing. Colonizing. Another thing that I'll give you another, Peeve, was I had a girl over and we, We had dinner. pretty late and she's like, "Let's get in the bed." And I was like, "No, what is this, my 600 pound life? I don't wanna get in the fucking bed." We just ate. I wanna like sit up for a while. - Yeah, sit and digest and annoyed me. - It's funny. - I don't wanna-- - It's really funny. That is not a thing on my radar, but I've heard like three people say similar things that you just said in the last couple of months, going, "I can't fuck you when I'm this full." - Yeah. - Well, fucking. - You know, she might get in the bed to go to sleep. She didn't even mean to fuck. - Oh, oh, oh, oh. - I kind of figured out sex that bloated. I wouldn't have been awful, but I would have done it. - Yeah, right, right. You can't go to sleep full. - Yeah. - Sometimes I need it like a half a bagel to go to sleep. Like if I wake up at 4 in the morning and I'm like, I have to have a bite of something so I can go back to sleep. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, I eat in the middle of the night a lot. I eat a lot. I have to eat very frequently. I don't eat a lot, but I eat often. - Yeah, but you've had some fun relationship. How was Fiddy? Is having a hell of a moment. - I love what he's doing at Ditty, Fiddy. - He's killing me. - I love what Fiddy's doing at Ditty. - Yeah, he's relentless, Fiddy's great, he's great. I should probably revisit that. - Hell yeah. - Yeah, people like that a lot. A lot of people. - A lot of executives are like, we should run it back. That was pretty cool. - I know, but you know what he would, I'm the only one he doesn't ever talk shit about. - I know. - Apparently the whole like, yeah, 'cause I did, I heard somebody was saying that he talks shit about all of his exes and I'm one of the only ones he talks about respectfully and I was like, he's not gonna have anything bad to say about me. I'm a dream. For him, I was a dream. - I didn't ask for anything out of him. - No, no, no. - Maybe the first person that felt smothered by 50 cent. - You know, what I didn't like about 50 cent is he doesn't do drugs and I do drugs. And so I was very shocking to find out that, what's this from? - He's in a new Street Fighter movie. - Oh, is he? - He's playing this character here. - It's funny, yeah, look at him. Yeah, he's gotten bigger. - That's tough look. - But he would come over to my house with like different cars when we were dating. I had this house on Manavill Canyon and he would get like a Ferrari or get like a Rolls Royce for the day. It's like a borrow from these dealerships and he would show up at my house in a different fucking souped up car all the time. And I didn't understand how that was working and then I found out that he just goes and he's like 50 cent and he's like, hey, I'm gonna borrow this Rolls Royce for the week or whatever. Or for the day, give it to me for a test drive. So then one day I went and I was like, all right, I'm gonna fuck with him and I went and got a chocolate Bentley. And I was like, all right, but I bought it. I didn't know you could borrow it. - Oh, no. - So I bought a fucking Bentley. - That's a half a milk. - And then we broke up. So I'm driving around in a chocolate Bentley with like cream leather seats for like four years, like a dick, you know, like this blonde bitch. I'm going driving back and forth to the studio in my Bentley. - That's a story though. - But the car was so gorgeous, but it's like a $350,000 car. It's absolutely unnecessary. - Wow, chocolate too. - Yeah, so that was fun, I got chocolate. So I got it as a joke and then I was like, well, I guess I'm stuck with this car. - Yeah. - That's hilarious. - So he just pulled up and was like, can I have this car for two weeks and they just give him the car? - Yeah, you can do that. - Or a owner, like for a day or two. - Yeah. - He's like, oh, I want to try this yellow Ferrari. - Wow, that's how we do like with jackets. He's just doing that with cars. We're going to want to mix it up. That's a really bad S. - Yeah, I have a fun dating history. I did a lot of fun people. - 50 cent. - 50 cent. - That's a really good one. - I got a guy now that's coming in. He's flying in right now to meet me. We're going to go to the next game tonight. I have foul and after this, he's going to go do foul and he's going to show up at foul and we're going to go to the next game. We're going to bet money on that game. We're going to see probably court side. I'm assuming. - Oh, baby. - My sister's going to join us and then I'm going to go have sex with them in my hotel room and then I'm going to fly to whistle tomorrow. So I mean things are going-- - It's a good life. - This is your life, new games. - I go to a lot of next games. - No commitment. - Can you go to a lot of next games? Are you going tonight to the next game? - No, I went on Christmas. That was an awesome one. - Oh. - I'm on a four game losing skid right now. - But they're going to change it tonight. - They're going to win a night. - Yeah, this is the game. They need it. - Yeah, they're playing the Clippers, right? - The Clippers. - Yeah. - He's a Clippers fan back there. - Are they good? - No, they have good players. - Who's favorite to win? Oh, look at this guy. I dated Ted Harbor. Oh, my God. That's embarrassing. - I don't know Harbor. - He used to run the e-network when I was there. And then we broke up. - Aw, awkward. - He was, you know, he was my boss. So that was really-- - Ooh. - How does that, what are you doing that situation? - I just had to move out. - That was the animal trainer I dated day so early. He was-- - He was-- - What a man. - Canadian. - Canadian. - Good looking dude. - Like Canadian. - Yeah, Canadian. - That's no good. - Wow, it's like I don't have a type, you guys. - You're all over the map. This is cool. - Oh, yeah, that's Andre Belage. He looks real fucked up in that. - Other than 50, you kind of have a type though. - What's the type? - This is a hunk. - Kind of like handsome older dude. I don't know. - Dapper. - Well, now I'm going younger. I don't have a type. I have to flip it over reverse it 'cause now I'm 50. So I have to like, you know, go in the opposite direction. - Okay, you don't have a type. I take it back. - Take it off back. - You definitely don't have a type. - Geez. - That was a curve ball right there. No one saw that coming. - Yeah, Joe Koi is a curve ball. Are you guys friends with Joe Koi? - Oh, yeah. Sweetest man on the planet. - I don't think I've ever met him. - Oh, really? - I don't have met him. - Shut up. - How is that possible, Sam? - I don't know. He never crossed paths. - He's a two-hand shit. - Oh, how are you? - He's one of those guys. He's all heart. - Yeah, he is a sweet guy. - And I think one of the top grossing comedians last year. He's in the top 10. He does very well. He's got a plaque at the Irvine improv. Most shows sold. I think was 31. - Holy shit. - The road wanted to be an Irvine for 31 shows. That's crazy. It's a great club. - I know. I always had, you know, a show. Wow, $20 million. Look at that. - Holy shit. - I might have to give my call. - Sebastian Mountescalco. $42 million. Is this for the last year? - $20 million. - Wow. - There's only a few shows. It's like it'll do like 60 shows in a year and make that much money. - Oh, there's Nikki on there. $19.5 million. - Wow. - I just sent her jokes for the Golden Globe. - Oh, yeah. She's got that. - Oh, yeah. - Oh, yeah. She's got that this weekend. - Second time. Right? - Yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah. - No, she killed it. - She killed it. - Wow. Look at that. Nate Bergazzi. Man. Clean comedy. That's the way to go. - It's too late for us, dude. - Yeah. You're right. - Let me miss that photo. - Ah. - It's on Pettos. - Oh, my God. Damn. All right. Sorry. - I remember seeing you a Caroline's way back in the day. Open for a tell. And I was like, she's funny. - Yeah. I was like, this is pretty cool. - Yeah, Davis. I mean, that was like the first. And one of the first gigs I ever did was the San Francisco punchline. - Sure. - And I was the opener. - Great cool. - Zach Elphanakis was the middle. And David's tell was the headline. - Holy shit. - Talk about a week of. It was so, and I was very green and new. And I had no idea what I was doing. And I was doing terribly. And they were so good to me. And so nice to me. And I had so, I was so broke that Zach Elphanakis. Did I tell you the story when you did my podcast? - Zach Elphanakis, he was staying at the Commodore Hotel, because that's where they would put us up. - Yep. - Or the real acts. You know, when you're open or you don't get binning, put up anywhere. - Sure. - You're making $50 a night or something. I went to the improv the other day in LA. And they gave me a check for $1,000. Or the comedy store. Or they gave me a check for $1,000 for my set. I'm like, what is this? And they're like, that's so much you get paid now. I'm like, $1,000. I'm like, I got paid $10. - This isn't happening in New York right now. - It's not. - Wow. - I went to the improv. And at the comedy store, they gave me a check for $1,000. - That's insane. - Cash, they handed it. - Cash. - Yeah. I think I turned around and just gave it straight to the waitress because I was like, this is unexpected. Anyway. I was, oh, so we were at the Commodore Hotel and I couldn't really afford, you know, I was broke. And Zach's like, you know, you can sleep. I was sleeping and it's crashing at someone's house. And he goes, you can sleep in my hotel room if you want. I won't do anything. And I was like, you know, Zach's very not threatening. And I was like, okay. So I'd sleep. And then every night, I'd get in bed and he'd sleep. And I'd be like, okay, you know, and he would go. And he'd come and whisper in my ear and he'd go, I will never rape you. (laughing) - That's really funny. - That's comedy. - Yeah. - Wow. - Yeah, Zach was a sweetheart. - He was real sweet. - He's a sweet. - That line's all about the delivery, too. You really got it? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And yeah, Zach is just, Zach is one of the funniest people of all time. I remember when I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival for the first time. And I bombed so badly, I ate shit. And I was like the it girl. And everyone was there to see me. And it was like huge stakes for me. And I was like, in my, I was 28 or something. I was so nervous. And I get up and I ate it. You know, just green, like started doing it really fast. And did get the response I wanted. And just started panicking. And Zach, I got off state. And everyone in the industry. It was like standing room only. That was my shot. And they were like, you know, this is that girl. This is way too premature. She's not ready. - Yeah. - And I get off stage and Zach walks me back to my hotel room. And he's like, you're going to want to be alone now. - Oh. - There's nothing I can do to help you. You're just going to have to sit here and deal with this. - Damn. - And yeah. Thank you for that great advice. And then I ended up going back to LA. And there was one executive that didn't see me perform. Her name was Grace Wu from NBC. She still works at Peacock. And she wanted to see my set. And I did it at Luna Park on a Tuesday night in LA. And crushed it. And I had my first development deal for NBC for my own show. But it was literally 72 hours after the worst failure of my professional life. And I thought it was over. And I'm like, I obviously can't be a comic. Everyone thinks I suck now. - Right. - And there was one fucking person. And I like to tell that story because it's going for people to know, you know, you never know when something's coming right around the corner. - Yeah. - You're in your biggest failures. - Yes. That's rare. - It's crazy. - You're not expecting. - How about that? - Well, happy ending. - Yeah. - There's a relationship. (laughing) - Oh, yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah, horrible shows. I remember Broadway Comedy Club. This one sticks in my mind. A guy spat on me while I was on stage. That felt pretty rough. - Yeah, that is rough. - It sucks when you hear the (exhaling) and you're like, "That's gonna end badly for me." - I was drinking a lot at the time. (laughing) - Yeah, we've all had though. I've bombed on the Conan's at the late nights before. - Yeah, there's so many. - Oh yeah, my first Conan, I like the jokes. I don't like the set. - So some of those. - How do you like the jokes and not like the set? - 'Cause I'd run the jokes and I like them. I just thought they were just so tight. Sometimes the crowd just tight. - Oh. - You know, it's five o'clock in Burbank. It's not like. - Right, I just remember, you know what I remember about the first time I would ever do you like Jay Leno. I was a correspondent for Jay for a few times and then they had me do stand up. And that level of nervousness from the beginning of our careers, I almost miss that. - Level of scared. - Yeah. - Like I, that is an electrifying feeling. It's not welcome necessarily. You don't love it. But it really means you're doing it. Like sometimes I wish I could feel that scare. - It means you're in it. But it also means that you might be not equipped yet to handle this moment. 'Cause I remember I did a roast The Friars Club when I was like 21 and I bombed so fucking hard as for Omarosa from the Apprentice. And oh my God that I bombed. And Paul Moonie's the roast master. And he bombed too. And he gave me the worst intro ever. I ate it. The intro was like, I had no credit. So I think my intro was like this comedian likes Sam Kinnison and Bill Hicks and Richard Pryor. I knew all of them. They're all dead. Sam Arrell. I was like, all right. It pandemic being like, like panicking bombed. And I remember Rich Vos going on after me. And he bombed his first line. He goes, Rich Vos still alive. Yeah he is, he is barely. But his first line was, he bombed whatever he said. And then he goes, if you guys don't laugh, I'm bringing Sam back up. And that crushed and I was like, ooh. That moment, I was like, ooh, I was like, should I not do this? This is fucking, that was one of those for sure. Yeah, that's a good line. It was, I had to give it to him. Sure. Yeah. I don't know. I've never done a roast. I feel like that's just 'cause it's like a hat on a hat. I mean, all I do is roast people. Yeah, right. I'm not even intentionally trying to roast people, but they feel roasted by me. Sure, yeah, yeah. So for me to formerly roast people, it would be like another level of roasting. Right, yeah. It would be like, it's almost like Hitler S. Hitler S, is anyone really need that? You did roast people. Is anyone really? Yeah. Whoopsie doodle. I got to ask, would you were at the SF punch? Was Dave still drinking then? Yes. Oh boy. It was crazy. Yeah, he, yeah, he, yeah. He was on the tail end of his drinking. And it was clear that he was not going to be able to continue that, but Jeff Will's, you know, Jeff Will. Yeah, sure a lot of sure. Those were the days where Jeff Will's ran like San Francisco and Cobbs and then they bought Cobbs. So that was like San Francisco's a really fun town for me. Like, I love that. And my sister lives there and I'm always, I like that for comedy. I like doing shows there. And Jeff Will's and I like, I remember like, he was there that week with Azak. And, and now he runs Live Nation. So, you know, he's, it's a different situation. But I've known him for so long and we were just all so, we just, we just get shit house tonight at the single night. Oh yeah. That's the first time I slept with a comedian was in, oh yeah, this is who I slept with. All right. I, I, I opened for Tom Rose. Oh. Whoa. I'm sexy guy. Yes. And he had this great joke about a penguin and penguins recognizing each other. You know, they're monogamous, penguins. Yeah. Until I live comedians, they're not like normal women. Yeah. Just like, you know, it didn't mean the penguin joke. That's when I got left. That was a, that was a, that was pretty good. I was wondering, they separate the males and the female separate for like months, I guess, to, because they, yeah, they get pregnant and they have to go and give birth to their babies and separate from the husbands, I guess. And then they come back and they all see each other from across, you know, the iceberg or wherever they are. Yeah. And, and then he goes, can you imagine seeing another penguin being like, that's my baby, like recognizing her out of a lineup. That's a great bit. And I remember thinking, oh god, this guy's funny. And then I had sex with him. And that was the first time I ever had sex with a comedian. He said it was amazing. Yeah, he would say that. I'm sure. I asked him about it, I'm sure. Because he mentioned it on a Maren's pod. Did he? Yeah, and he said it was so hot, and then he did it again. And it wasn't hot. No, I got my period. Oh, well, that's not anybody's fault. No, well, it was his fault. And I will always blame him. It's kind of like, don't go to a good restaurant twice right, right? Yeah. You know, if you have a great meal, leave it alone, we met up again. It was not hot. Damn. Oh, yeah. So I did, he did come up to me, actually, at an airport a few months ago. I was at LAX, and I was with my cousin, and I just thought it was like a fan. Yeah. And he said, Chelsea Handler, you know, did that. And I was like, oh, hi. And he goes, it's Tom Rhodes. Oh. And he walked away. And my cousin goes, did you sleep with that guy? That's what I like. Yeah, period. And I haven't slept with a lot of comics. Just Tom Rhodes, Joe Koy, and I'm wondering if I'm forgetting someone, but I don't think I am. Matt Reif? No. Matt Reif. Well, you're like young guys. No, no, no. Rich. No, no, no. I'm rich. I think I need rich. Which was? You don't need K-Y with rich, so let's bid. Wait, go back. I want to see the present-day pictures of Tom Rhodes. Tom Rhodes. If Mark Marron wasn't sober, I would have had sex with him. At some point. Oh, yeah. What is about Marron, do you think? I like Marron because he's really sensitive and he's really smart. And he's on the right side of things, you know, kind of like social justice. Yeah, this is an older man now. Sure. But I mean, I'm an older woman now. I'm 50. He was good. Yeah, he's cute. He's cute. Aww. He's a sweetie. He's still doing stand-ups. I assume it's the seller all the time. Yeah, it's some of them. Oh, you do. Oh, yeah. Great guy. Yeah. Good dude. Period sex. It's fine. It's fine if you're in a relationship, but if you don't know the person, it's always a little bit. Yeah. Periods are above buzzkill on many levels. It's fine. But then women get horny on their period, don't they? That's what I've heard. I don't know. Give that a goog. I don't know. How about that? How do you goog with that? Anyway, do you guys have any peves that you come with any things that are bothering you lately? I don't think it's funny. We usually do peves on the show. I do have one. We don't have to start in the night. All right. I'll buy everybody some time. Have you ever have this one? A guy is late. You're meeting someone. They're late. And they show up with coffee and a snack. I'm like, you're already late and you have coffee that you obviously stop for. Anna snack. It's like the Elaine Sinfo where she gets the juju-beast. Right. You guys in the hospital. Exactly. I'm with you. I don't like when people call you when you're meeting them. When you're about to meet someone and they call you on the phone. It's either just show up. Yeah. Text me. Don't call me on the phone when I'm about to see you. We're about to meet. I don't like that. I don't like my necessary phone calls or people who can't walk into a place unless you're with them. Are you here yet? Are you here yet? I fucking hate that shit. Yeah. It's like just go inside and ask for the fucking table. Right. You don't need me to get in. Yeah. You know? Yeah, exactly. I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls. I don't like face times. Yeah. I hate face times. I hate phone people face. I find that in troubling. I agree. And what about the people on the plane face timing before the flight takes up? No, no, no, no. What do you know? Headphones thing. I'm going to. I have to say something. I don't have to say something. Every time someone does that without a headphone, you have got to say something. Because I always do. I say I'm so sorry. Do you have a set of headphones? Because I'm wearing it. Like, you said that. No, no. You have to. Well, a white guilt kicks in. I don't know what to do. Well, I mean, don't say it to a black person. Oh, okay. You're a black person. You can't say anything. No, well, I mean, I try not to tell black people. But I definitely tell white guys what to do. And white women. Okay. If they're older than me, if it's an elderly woman, I won't. Then I give them a pass. That's true, that's true. But a regular person, you should know better. Yeah, I agree. I agree. What if you hit them with one of these? I'm so sorry. I know you're black. Would you mind just can't it down? What if? Yeah, maybe you. That's actually bad fitty. Yeah. No, I think that's those are both good peeps. I wrote down a few peeps. One of them was the eating in bed. Eating a bed is great. I ate in bed. No, no, no. I meant eating before you get into bed. Oh, okay. Right, right. Let's see what else. Ooh. It's mostly just women. This is mostly women who's been staying with me. Every light is dimmed. I turn on the light. She dims every light. So I, you know, I go to the bathroom and I press her in the light on. And it's just dimmed. And I'm like, I don't need to think I should in the dark. Are they overhead? Maybe you do. Maybe you do. No. Women don't like my wife hates overhead lighting. Overhead lighting is always dim. Listen, we do not get along with overhead lighting. It is not a good look. Side lighting is the best. Okay. I dated a hotel. Yeah. He taught me all about lighting. You want to coming from the side, not above. Really? It shows every blemish. It shows cellulated. It shows everything you don't want to see is overhead lighting. Right. So you want to appreciate people dimming that. Okay. If you don't have sensible lighting at your place, then you're going to have to have the lights dimmed. Hmm. I don't like bright lights ever. I don't either. Like it's annoying. You know. The lights in here, bright. Well, it's a shoot. Okay. There's darkness in the room. So that's better. If it were all bright, it would be a little bit too much. That a little bit. All right. Good to know. But I'm with you on the mic. My parents were all about lamps. And I fucking hate lamps. Like give me a light in the room. I kind of like lamps. - I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. What do you mean? - You're too much. You're too many things. There's a lot of things with lamps, for sure. And they have all different switches. - Yeah. - I know when you're in a hotel room, and there's like a fucking master switch that turns on all the other lights, and you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait. I just want-- - Yeah, I kind of like that one though, because that one I can just turn it all off. - Yeah, but I need the little light at night to like get my shit together before I go to bed. - Sure. Well, how about those hotels with the key thing to turn all the lights on? - Like energy saver? - It's for your team. - Get on. - Yeah. - I got an extra key now. It's crazy. - Yeah, it doesn't annoy me. - Yeah. - I hate that. - You go to like Italy or something, they all do this. - Yeah. - It's energy savers. - Well, I think we also need to get on the same page with voltage, internationally. - I agree. - You know, this is ridiculous. Every time I go anywhere, I blow up a hair dryer, and I just want us all to be on the same voltage. - Yeah. - Why? It's only America that did this. We're the ones that are the-- - No, there's a few others, right? - No, we, Europeians are all on the same page. Even South America is on the same page with Europe. It's America, North America, specifically. We're the assholes that decided we needed bigger voltage and more voltage. - Why do we do this? - Because we're greedy, and we need more. - Yeah, big appliances, more electronics. - That's why we're gonna invade Greenland, 'cause we're greedy, and we need more. (laughing) - Are we? - Yeah, it looks like it. - Oh, jeez, I didn't know that. - Lots of things going around. - Yeah, exciting. - I'm still on the dura. - I didn't know we were moving to Greenland. - Yeah, but Venezuela, then Cuba, then Greenland. The whole thing. - Holy moly, look at that sweatsuit. - Mm-hmm. - Look at that guy. He's like, fuck, my life is over. - Yeah, click at the blindfold, 'cause it looks like a sleeping mask. - It looks like a virtual reality mask. - Yes, Oculus. - Yes. - Yes. - Can you get sleep on that flight? Like, over here, is he like, I'll get some jeez. - He's like, I think he pissed. - Some me time. - I bet he didn't get, they brought the wife, too. (laughing) So he's like, ah, come on, he couldn't give me a moment. (laughing) - I got another peeve. - Okay, he's going dinner with a picky eater. The many substitutions, it makes me crazy. Just order the fucking thing. - I'm with you, I'm so picky. - 'Cause now they're looking at you and I'm like, I'm sorry, shit. - Yeah. - I'm pretty specific about when I order a cocktail. I need the right ratio of ice to drink and my mission. I'm very specific about my drinks. - That's not bad. - But food, I agree with you. - A lot of substitutions, or just don't order it. - Exactly, exactly. - We hang out with comics, they're all eight-year-olds. You know, adult bodies. - Right, he's burgers and french fries. - Yeah, I can have chicken fingers, french fries, and a hot dog, that's all I can eat. - Where do you guys spend most of your time with the seller? - Yeah. - You should come to the seller. - Where else? - In New York. - New York comedy club. - There's three of them now. Upper West Side, 24th Street and 4th Street. That's good. I like Gotham, though. - Gotham solid? - Yeah, yeah. But mostly the seller and the road. - Come on by. - Yeah. - Do we get Jones? Do you have a Jones for an asset? - No, no. - But it's a good hang, too. The Olive Tree's fun. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I've been around there before, but I don't, yeah, I don't usually do sets when I'm in New York. When I'm in New York, I like to party. You know? - What are some bars you hit up when you're in New York? - Went to the People's Lounge last night. The People's Lounge. - I don't know. - It was the Lounge Place, this private club. It was so fun. - Is that a members club? - Yeah, maybe. I don't know if it was a members club. Then went to, what did I go last night? - You gotta go to different places and the common man. - No, no, I don't. I could go out. - You're gonna get a bar. - I like this. I like what you're pulling up here. Pictures of restaurants. Is that people? - Oh, yeah, that is People's Lounge. Okay, great. - Yeah, where else? Where else you hit up? - Last night, I went to San Vicente Buggalos, but that's only because my friends told me to meet them there. I don't like private clubs like that. I don't like giving my people money for me to come there. That's so stupid. I find that offensive. - Especially in New York, when there's so much cool shit, all right. - I went to Schmore's. It's like, is Rayleigh Restaurant gonna be ever eating there? - I have, I've never heard of it. - It's really good. I went there with my friend Julianna Margulis, another superjuice. - Oh, I love. - We know her, yeah. - Yeah, we went to dinner and then I met her. - We know her, we don't know her. - Yeah. - And then I was out and then, yeah, when I'm in New York, I like to go out. - Yeah, it's fun. - Yeah, it's like, it's so much more fun here than L.A. L.A. - Really? - L.A. is a little boring. - What's a cool bar for us to go to when we're in L.A. next time? - No, no, no, they're rolling up so early in L.A. everything shuts down at nine. - Yeah, that's cool. - Yeah, but yeah, I'm with you. I don't really know L.A. bars. - No, not really. - We were rarely there together, but we fun to go out. Like when we did podcasts out there, that was fun. - That was fun, yeah. And I don't really want to go to a sunset strip bar. That feels weird. - Yeah, you want to find like a real interesting-- - Yeah, you find a cool place. There are cool places, mostly in Los Felis is a little bit cooler. Brentwood in the west side is just two, nothing's happening over there. It's all family. It's very suburban. I live in Brentwood. I don't know why I live there. I don't know what I'm doing there. I need to leave. - Would you ever-- - Yeah, I would like to live-- - Hey! - Hey, you look cool. Welcome back. - I want to buy an apartment in New York. I was going to, but then my house, and I bought my house from RFK Junior. - Wow! - And I fucking feel like it. - I'm kind of about four years. - Did you come with supplements? - I'm not joking. - The dead bears everywhere. - It's a disaster, this house. It's cursed. It has been really rare in my life, and I still do not live there. Four years of renovating a house in LA. - Wow! - Damn. - So that's why I don't spend a lot of time in LA, because I have a bad taste to my mouth from being robbed by a contractor. - Oh, shit. - So it's done now. So I'll go back there at the end of the ski season and live there, but I'm looking to get a place in New York. I was about to buy this apartment downtown, before all this happened, and then all of a sudden. - What neighborhood? - Chelsea. - I'm going to live inside myself, Sam. - No. - Chelsea's. - No. - Chelsea's. - No. - What? (laughing) - I had to get it in there. - What are your favorite cities to hit on the road? - I like DC. - Yeah. - I love DC. - I love Boston. - Boston's special. - Boston's special. - Boston's special. - I love that venue. - Yeah, yeah. - I like that building. In DC. I love Chicago Theater. - Yep. - The best. - Seattle is one of my hot spots. - That's a great one. - I just started doing Louisville, Kentucky, only because I went with Joe Coy once, and he was preying the palace theater, and I was like, Louisville. And then I did a show, and I, you know, I usually stay away from cities like that, because I'm like, what's going on in Kentucky. But there's always a liberal component of, you know, a group of people in these cities, even if they're real red states, that are so grateful for you when you do come through, that I was like, oh, this is actually really fun, because it's like a huge, you know, gay in the community there, so I'm doing, so all two places like that, because I like that. I like to, you know, kind of, I won't go to really like Florida, not, I'm not interested in it. - Really? - I'm taping my next special in Tampa. - Are you? - Tampa Theater. - Why? - Beautiful theater. - Is it? - It's a crowd. - Yeah, you know what? It's, it's a really good comedy city, I think, Tampa. - Really? - I think so, yeah, I think very underrated, and the theater's just gorgeous. - What about Orlando? - I like Orlando. Is Jacksonville? - Yeah. - Miami. - Miami's tough. Miami's tough. - Is it? - They just, I don't think they care about comedy, I think they'll have like, you want people with real job, you don't want people who are like all influencers in your crowd, they show up 30 minutes late and they're, they're not interested, but, but yeah, I think Tampa crowds are, they really are. - Yeah, yeah. - Yeah, and cooked up, baked tits, it's all about how I look and why aren't you talking to me? You know, why am I listening to you? - So I don't love, yeah, I like Fort Lauderdale, like I actually think Florida's got some good pockets. - It does have some good pockets. You're funny, you're saying that, because like, yeah, yeah, Fort Lauderdale is good. Like, I remember last time, I was like, I'll just go to one place, but I think you're right about Miami. Miami's not the best. - Sucks. - Sucks. - The best thing there. - Yeah. - I'm a pumped you're there, you know? And that makes you pumped to be there, that there, you know? So, yeah, Tampa Theater, I'm actually adding a third show tomorrow for the taping. So I hope you guys come out February 26th and 27th. I hope you come out there. So what's the name of your tour that you're doing right now? - The High and Mighty Tour. I start February 13th. I jump off in DC and then I am doing about 30 shows throughout the world. And I'm going to add another 30 because I haven't even added LA in New York yet. - Holy moly. - So, yeah. I'm going to go do that. And then be on tour. - And then be on tour. - Some of these dates real quick. So people can know. - Sure. February 7th. 13th is DC. February 15th. Norfolk, Virginia. Madison, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, Detroit. Cleveland. Columbus. Cincinnati. I'm coming everywhere. Denver. Portland. Providence. Rhode Island. That's enough. - All right. I was doing a theater there and they said they can't get it so that they have what do you call it? You're basically allowed to bring a gun into the theater. - Oh, yeah. - And I was like, no, no. I don't agree to that. They were like, well, they have to. And they were like, well, they'll provide security for you. So it felt like we were in like a fucking insane thing where it's like people were following us around. And I was like, well, I don't know who these guys are. - Right. They have guys. - This is fucking it. And then one guy came in with a gun and they're like, the comedian really would appreciate if you left the gun in the car and I went, fine, and he went back with the gun and I was like, I just don't want guns in the car. - Wow. - I don't like being in open carry states. I'm not into it. I'm not interested in that. And also, they have to not allow guns to come into the theater. - I don't want to shoot out in the show. - Of course. I don't want to. I talk about the wrong subject. He's like, fuck this motherfucker, you know? - You're right. - Also, shout out Little Dog Diner and Norfolk. Amazing. They have their homemade hot sauce. Amazing. I remember a good diner. I love a good spot. - It's a bitch to get there though. I was at two flights to Norfolk. - We want a tour bus for that one. - Oh, okay. - Thank God for that. - Only man will take tour buses. Women will do things like that. - I sure did. Schumer did it. - Did she? - Mickey asked me about it, but I was like, "You're not gonna like it." - No, no, no, no, no. - But Amy, Amy did it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That was fun. - We got a real fucked up on that thing. - Did you? - Oh yeah. - That's fun. - A lot of years, you missed the bus. - I missed the, I know I did a few of the buses with her. - But you missed it, literally, remember you? - Oh yeah, Amy was so mad at me. I was drinking with her brother's band used to open and I was drinking with the band and one of the bandmates and I kept looking at my watch. Like, isn't the bus leaving now? And he's like, "No, no, we're cool." And we fucking chased the bus and she took, she took security details, like a huge thing and she was-- - How many people were on the bus? - A bond, she was not pleased with me, but I got lucky because she got so mad at me that I think she felt kind of bad how mad she got and then she was, she was cool again. - I see. - Yeah, it's not a good feeling to chase a tour bus. - No, with a police escort. - Yeah, fucking bad. - Good time. - But I remember, we were with Amy together in Orlando back in the day and I remember puking in the Orlando airport bath because we got hammered. - Oh, yeah. - And I remember Mark just handing a ginger ale over the stall and I was like, "That's a fucking friend." It's a good place. - All been there. - Yeah. - That's nice. There's nothing better when you're throwing up than ginger ale. - That's the best. - Yeah, look at Amy, look at this. - Hey. - Wow. - Wow, look at this. - First trap in a little while. - Who's Amy gonna fuck now? - Woo! - Come on, 50. - Who's gonna fuck, I mean, who's she gonna fuck? What's gonna happen, guys? - I don't know. - Wow. - Which is supposed to be a pool or a pool or something. Call in, if you wanna fucking Amy. - It's exciting. - Tom Roach. (laughing) Just do it once though. - She looks good. - She looks good. - Oh, yeah. - Yep. - All right, Amy. - Yeah, where else are you excited to go to on the road? - I mean, I, you know, I don't know. I don't really get a, I just kind of try and have a really, A, I have to work out every day. You know, like I'm really serious about working out. - Okay. - 'Cause I need to be like strong and fit and like clear headed. And then if I'm in a fun city, I like to have friends come. And if I'm in a city where I have a lot of people coming, you know, sometimes you go to shows and you have like 15, 20 friends that are in a city. - Sure. - That's always fun. - Yeah. - And so those cities fun, you know, are the bigger cities, but I like the smaller cities too. 'Cause I like to lie low. I like to spend a day in bed watching fucking TV. - Oh, the best. - I'll stay long and have nothing but to do, but go to dinner and go to your show. - Oh, yeah. - I like that feeling. - That's nice. - I like to do that. - What, what did you still drink? What's the hangover cure? - 'Cause I'm 40 now and I the hangovers are hit me hard. - Yeah, I don't know. I'm just, my body's a custom. I'm a professional. (laughs) - Do you hydrate a lot? - I mean, I drink some, you know, I have some water in the morning with some electrolytes, but I'm not a big water person. - Are you an ID person? - Not really. I mean, sometimes, not really. Now, I'm just a, I've got a strong constitution. - You don't need a lot of juice. You can handle the booths. - I was just gonna say that. - Yeah. Yeah, I know. Well, I'm part German, so I'm a German. - There you go. - That's what it is, yeah. - Can I ask what you were doing in Antarctica? - I was on a psychedelic conference in Antarctica. - In Antarctica. - Jesus. - So this guy, so I met this guy the one I'm talking about in Vegas. After one of my shows, he sat down and I was at a table. I was going to boo in back the money that my friends had lost. - Yeah. - And I asked this guy, he was wearing a cowboy hat and he was sitting at a table and I was like, "Hey, I don't have any chips left. "Can I borrow a couple thousand dollars?" I'm gonna start winning. I'll pay you back right away. And he was like, "All right, he didn't give me chips." And I won his money back. I paid him back. I won my money. The table was popping. We're all winning. It was fun. And then the next day, I won my money. I go home to my room and then I start getting texts from the sky and I'm like, "Who's the sky texting me?" I said to my friend, she's like, "That was the cowboy." From last night, they were sitting next to him. And I said, "How did he get my number?" She's like, "You gave him your number." And I'm like, "No, I didn't." And she's like, "We gave him your number "cause you guys were really cute together." And I said, "Oh." And he's like, "Listen, hey, you're a fucking fun." And he goes, "Where do we see each other again?" I named the time, named the place. I'll come to you. Let's make this happen. I want to run it back." And I was like-- - And you said Antarctica? - I said, "Hey." - You made it hard. - I didn't even respond for the first three months 'cause I didn't know who the sky was. I was like, "Hodori, you forgot about that night, you know?" - Yeah. - And then he said something like you see, he goes, "I'm looking for some adventure in my life and you seem pretty adventurous." And I sent him a link to the Antarctica trip. - Whoa. - This is my next adventure. And I'm headed here. I was leaving in like four days. And he wrote back, "I'll see you in Antarctica and bought himself a ticket." Which is like a $50,000 ticket. - What? - Yeah. - So that was a hot move. Because then I was like, "Mm, that's a strong move." And I was like that. Then I got my attention. I was like-- - Okay. - So he came to Antarctica. And I-- - I'll buy a bus ticket to Baltimore if I could check. I'm not gonna-- - And I was with my boyfriend. I already had a roommate. And he got his own room. And he was on this boat with us for like seven days or eight days or 10 days. Yeah. And so that's-- yeah. And I've been dating him ever since. - Wow. - Man, it's hard to get laid these days. (all laughing) - Flower is chocolate. This is crazy. - So fun. - How was Antarctica? - It was fucking awesome. It was a psychedelic conference. So half of the people there were researching psychedelics and the other half were doing them. And I was part of that group. And it was pretty intense, like majestic. Like you see Antarctica from like a day away before you get there. It's like a fucking sheet of ice. - Yeah. - And you pass like 60 degrees longitude. And they tell you to like look out the window and we're all on MDMA and we're fucking - Of course. - And you're already. And so to see that, and it's not dark out 'cause it's summertime and you're in the Southern hemisphere. So it's light out the whole time. And you see this sheet of ice. And it looks like the North wall from David Throne. It's like natural ice. And I just remember being like this is epic. And then you get there and the penguins are running around. There's penguins everywhere. And they have these little penguin highways. And they go. - You saw the Tom Roads, didn't you? - Yeah, yeah, I was like, there's Tom Roads. I got a fuck Tom Roads. And I have these penguins running up and down these single like a file lines. And then we went kayaking and there's fucking humpback whales jumping. - Oh my God. - It was insanity. And you're on Mollie with all this. - Yeah, and you're on Mollie. It was just a great trip. I had a great time. I really, the food was terrible. - What do you eat there? - Fish. - It was like gross. It was just terrible food. It was like, I don't know what the cuisine would even be. - Thank you. - No, just like frozen gross food. I lost six pounds on that trip. I've never lost weight on a trip before. - Damn. - But yeah, I had a great time and it was really cool. I wish we could have stayed there for a couple more days 'cause you cross Drake's passage, which is pretty volatile part of the ocean. Like it's a very, and so the boat is literally like this for three days. So when you sleep, you get the best night's sleep of your life because you're like in your mother's womb. - Right. - I've never, it was like someone just rocking you. But when you're walking around, you know, tricky. - Yeah. - Yeah. - Well, was it weird to get to know this guy on a boat in Antarctica? - Yeah. - You really know much about him. - But you vibe the first night. - Well, no, I just figured there's enough people on this boat. He's gonna be fun. I don't have to sleep with him if I'm not in him. - Sure. - There's gonna be 180 people on this boat all the time. - Oh, okay. - So what else does that sort of thing if I need to, and he can too. So it was just more like, I wasn't sure, and then once we hung out, I was like, okay, yeah, I'm down. - Oh, wow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Man, if he flew out there and you didn't bang him though. - That's tough. - Oh, you gotta jump off that boat. - Yeah, yeah. He probably would have found somebody else. There was a lot of good looking people on that boat. - Got it. - I think they only allowed good looking people on that boat. - One of those trips. - Right, so is it some hot molly sex? - What is this movie? - What? (laughing) - I mean, it's pretty, he said it was majestic. So now you gotta do a guy with molly. - I don't know, there we have sex on molly when we were there, I can't remember. But yeah, I don't know anything about molly. Is that in hand sex? - Everything's in hand. - Yeah, okay. - Man, you may sex is fun, fun, fun, fun, yeah. You should try it. You guys should do it together. (laughing) - You're serious, you're dirty, you guys, I have to go. - Oh jeez, sorry. - Okay, okay, well tell Jimmy, we said hello. - Oh yeah, and check out her podcast. - Yeah, dear Chelsea was super fun to do. I loved Love Chat and with you loved it. I'm happy you came to our podcast. - Yeah, I'm happy, too, guys. I have to see you in action. - And go see Chelsea on tour. - Hell yeah. - I'll be there, you guys. If you bring your girlfriend or wife on tour to see me, you'll get laid. - Yeah. - Is it just ChelseaHandler.com for Chelsea, okay ChelseaHandler.com for tour, go see Chelsea. - And check out her pod. - Thanks guys. - Thank you. - Thank you Chelsea. - Thanks for my drink, you guys. - You're gonna have one for the road, if you want. - Do you wanna help any of this stuff, people say it. - Oh, yeah, we'll see, you wanna do that before? - Yeah, let's do it before. - Yeah, let's open some. - Happy Hanukkah, happy New Year. These are Christmas gifts that were open the card. - Yeah. - That one's for me. - This from you? - Oh, this is gonna make me happy. - Oh my God, eight bright candles in a row. Eight bright candles, I'll hold a glow for each candle burning bright. Fun filled wishes for each night, happy Hanukkah. And we got a little double down card. So good. - What's that? - Like a scratch off, yeah. - Well, we had to put a coin in a Jewish card there. - One for each. - Thank you. - Let's do this after the episode. Or should we do it on? - Oh, I got a coin. - Do you want the person to win? I mean, you get one of those, do you really want them to win? - I think so. - Yeah, I want you to win. - It's like the movie "Sour Grape", remember that one? - Oh yeah. Okay, what am I looking for here? - Winning number. Oh, I see the winning number. He scratched that first. - 36. - My winning numbers are nine and 11. - Oh, jeez. - The health leaders. - You already won. - That was going down the plate. - Five. Oh, I'm a winner. - I got, uh, was that me? Do I get a dollar? No. What do you get if you win? You got to scratch off prize, maybe? The thing is this prize, it tells you what you want. Uh, I don't think I want here. But you know what? It's fun just to play. Thank you, Peter. I appreciate it. Oh, my God. What? I think I won five grand. I think I did. No way. Shut, show us. Wait a minute. How many are you supposed to scratch? I don't know. How many are you supposed to scratch them all? Okay. I think we got a winner. You got three of a kind? No. And what's the thing? No, I think you have to scratch off this other one, dude. Oh, I don't think it's a winner. Because it says winning number 36. Yeah. I scratch a 36. Yeah, I know. Hey. Wait a minute. So it has to inspect. Because if we just won five grand, we can buy a whole new-- Look at mine, too. I don't think I can. Peter is investigating. Okay. All right. Take a look. And we got a gift. A shirt that says the "Risler." Oh! That's a great shirt. Which would be really fun after being on FBI's most wanted after last episode. We're definitely on a list. I'm not registered. Yeah. We always wanted to be on a comedy list. Yeah. On a different list. And I found Epstein's list. Why don't you open some of these? He liked one of our last videos, by the way. It's not him. Oh, dad. I bought it. I was-- Had a coat with a massive penis. Oh, this is great to read on the subway. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, god. This is so hard. That's genius. Ha, ha, ha. This is hard. Hold up. Ooh. What do we got here? Melort. Ooh, that's a nasty. Who gave us that? Oh. This name's right there. Melort is a gypsum company. David Skinner. I gave us something. You know what that's good for? That's like a good punishment shot for the-- because they're nasty. I'm going to have one kiss of it. Really? All right. Give me a kiss, fuck it. Give me a tiny one. It's nasty. Cheers. This is bad. It's like kerosene. Oh. So bad. Cheers. Hey. Thanks, Chicago. Hey. The second city. So they know it's bad? They know it. And they're just like-- But it's a point of pride. It's pretty fucking-- it's nasty. It's just-- it's nothing. You didn't take it all. Take it all. I couldn't get all of it. You got to get all of it. Come on. This is brutal. It's like getting a girl to swallow. Oh. My come taste better than that. Oh. That's true. That is fucking nasty. Let's see what else we got. No. Smelling salts. What is this? The mothership? They're good if you're bombing with a guest. You're like-- Well, that. I made a mistake of doing it too close. And I just remember Rogan grabbing me. Like, are you OK? In a pathetic way to-- It'll wake you. I had to hang over once. Really bad. I took that. And I was like, I was cured. Oh, what do we got here? I'm working this. It's the same. What's that? Happy every day. Looks like some kind of love box. That's what I call my wife. Okay. Hold on. Oh. Yeah. It really says a lot when people think of us with these gifts. A mug. A black mug. How do we do with instructions? Uh-oh. Oh. Instructions. Put that one in. Put that one in. Two marks. I'm too excited. Let's see. The Santa wrapping papers from Mike. Chris Golo. Oh, from your mom's house. Oh. Mike Chris Golo? I thought he's UTA. That's not-- Oh. Oh, this is from your mom's house. Uh-huh. This one's from your mom's house. Okay. This is a black mug. Okay. Great. Oh. These are really good, these things. Texas chewing. Oh, these are great. This is a problem. Thank you, your mom. I'm trying to get fucking fit. I am still drinking. So it's not going to happen. Sure. These are good, dude. Wow. These aren't taking these home. Since 1885. Still kicking. Still kicking. So let's talk some tour dates. Well, we got Mark. This is Mark here. Braia. Braia. We got a couple of shows sold out and like two left. So let's sell that puppy out to a big room. Eight, 600 seats. That's a great one. Yeah. I love that club. You staying L.A. when you do that? I'm going to run it and do podcasts. Maybe I'll stay in L.A. Makes more sense, probably. Yeah. You just got to drive home after. It's annoying. That sucks. If you drink, sir. Yeah. Get a guy to open. That's up there. Drive you. That's up there. I want to hang with him. What was this? We got Bandoar again on January 23rd. It's supposed to change color. And the picture is underneath is the guy. The big black dick guy. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, but why underneath? Who drinks a coffee like this? It should be the side. It's, uh, oh. Maybe when you show it like this. See something coming in. Oh. Is it on the bottom mark when you tip it up? No, I see it. I see it. I see his dick now. Yeah. All right. All right. All right. Braia. Then I'm in Bend, Oregon, uh, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Stress Factory, San Antonio, and LOL Tulsa, the Bricktown Comedy Club, Indianapolis Helium, Sahawarita, Arizona, Buffalo, New York, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky, Fort Lauderdale, and Raleigh. Come on out. Love it. North Carolina. Back in the clubs. Love it. Well, we got, uh, Washington DC. It's all sold out, but, uh, excited to go to DC and probably never done it. Excited. Oh, all right. The Lisa Cog was all sold out too. And, uh, these are small rooms I'm doing. So, yeah, Stanford Connecticut, Providence, Rhode Island. I think they're all sold out. So, I'm excited to come. Hell yeah. We're adding, uh, tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning. We're adding, uh, February 26th for Tampa. Hey. Wow. So, uh, we'll do a third show at the Tampa Theater. I'm very excited for this special. Amazing. And, uh, if that one sells out, maybe a fourth. Yeah. I'm very excited, taping a special there. So, uh, love you guys. We're coming out, Tampa. You're the best. I wanted to ask you something before we left. Are you wrapping up, wrapping up? Yeah. Why? Oh, I just wanted to ask about, you mentioned Texas a second ago. Your mom's house. Have you heard about this controversy between, uh, Texas and New York comics? Oh, it's getting pretty weird. It's weird. It's crazy. You know what I say? Yeah. Eyes on your own paper. Write some fucking jokes. Hell yeah. Look, until that's a Texas. All right. Let's do it later. Yeah. Hey. Buy some bodega cat. Yes. Enjoy some bodega cat. Have a good time. We love you. And, uh, to all the restaurants and bars carrying it, we love you. Yes. Hit us up. Bodega cat. Whiskey Instagram. Whatever you need. Yeah. Yeah, we're on it, man. We got a guy on it. It's happening. It's moving. We're cooking. The merch is going to get even cooler. Yes. We love you for listening. Thanks, Chelsea, for coming by. Yeah. It's been a great year. I mean, Rizzler, Seinfeld, the list goes on. You keep Rizzler first, Billy? Well, he was a tough get. We got Seinfeld before Rizzler. That's a good point. Jerry never bailed us. The Rizzler stood us up four times. Yeah. He's a child. Yeah, all right. He's nine. He's nine. Okay. All right. Well, we love you guys. Thanks for listening, guys. And, uh, if you're having a dry January, you know, stay strong. And if you're not, get some fucking bodega. Hey, you're here. Comedy. Thank you. Good night. Good luck. We'll see you now. ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember. ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way. ♪ ♪ We might be true. ♪