[MUSIC] >> Yeah, but even a martini's a bold drink. Because martini's fuck, I got fucking hammered on marti. I stumbled on the strip house on Saturday, I got fucking lit up, dude. >> It is where the martinis are the classy drink, cuz it is just liquor in a cup. >> Let's start with that, that's good. >> Yeah, it's a good point. No, it's the dignified drink. >> Yeah. >> But like, you know who drank martini's Churchill, he looked like shit. >> Oh my God. >> He was fucking obese. >> He went to the White House and the whole staff hated him. They're like, he's walking around his underwear, he's kicking the dog. He's smoking a cigar at like 8 a.m. >> Well, dude, he was, cuz he was a thing, calorie wise, they're probably not as bad if you go dry. Because it's just vodka or gin, right? >> Right. >> But if you're drinking that, you're drunk. >> Yeah, yeah, it's liquor and olive juice. >> Oh, that's for dirty. >> All right. >> Dry is just a vermouth. But you're getting fucking lit up on the, I have a few and I'm fucking gone. >> I love them, it's a good drink. >> Oh, they, that you do feel classy. >> You do? >> Until the third. >> Yeah, yeah. >> And then you're like, I'm a fucking drunk. >> I hate the cup, though. I get in a martini and a rock's glass. >> I've done it, but it's, I'll do this. See, I don't like getting that, like a Manhattan in a, in the op. >> Oh, I hate that. >> I hate that. Cuz that's not, it's too, it's a whiskey drink. Nothing brown should come in that fucking drink. >> Agreed. >> But I, you gotta drink the martini out of the martini glass. It's, I like when they give you the oversized giant glass and they just give you the regular serving. >> Oh. >> So it just doesn't go up all, cuz it's not me. Like who the fuck? >> Yeah. >> You're spilling. >> Of course, I'm going to pack bar here. >> Yeah. Cheers. >> Hey, a regular whiskey like a man and a regular cup. >> Yeah. But anyway, yeah man, how you been? Were you out with Shane this weekend? >> Yeah, I did, Thursday was Shane, Friday was Shane, Saturday, Minneapolis, casino. >> Ooh, nice. >> Which was money grab, yeah. >> Big money grab, but I just walked out and I was like, Tim Walls, huh? And they're like, you know, like some volumes, they're like, so that was fun. Alien Omar, huh? >> [LAUGH] >> She's like a sister to me, so fuck her, they're like, oh my god, yeah. >> They just want to hear that shit so bad. >> Yeah, they're like, it's about us. >> Exactly. >> Yeah, that's cool. I was like, I drove by his house, called him a retard. They're like, so did I, what the fuck, you know, they're throwing shit at me. >> So is a good gig. >> The great gig. >> The great gig. >> Oh, nice, nice. >> If you get your people at a casino, you can't really beat it. >> That's true, yeah, it's just a show. >> Reno is killer, man, I had a great time. >> There you go. >> Damn, look at that, were you with Shane here? >> We did Tucson the first night, which was about 9,000. >> Wow. >> And then we did Phoenix the next night, which was about 20. >> Yeah. >> Crazy. >> Damn. >> Insane. >> Fun city to, oh yeah, that's Carnegie Hall, baby. >> Look at that. >> Fun night, I was definitely under the weather, man. It sucks when you, I just knew you're on the road, and I had to film shit for this dumb movie I'm making, and then, yeah, I knew I was going to be fucked up. And it was one of those things that woke up, and I was like, I guess I got to get like an IV or something. >> Whoa. >> So I did it, got a little jump. And yeah, there I am with low gear. >> There, I like the brown suit, that's a good look. >> Yeah, I changed it up a little bit. >> Yeah, I got to bring it for Carnegie. Got a cobbling from Jerry on the suit, too. >> Ooh, yeah, was he in seating, too? >> Thank God, he was, can you imagine? >> I can't, it's a Louis saffron rope. >> I'm doing my fisting chunk, I look over Jerry. Is he laughing? >> No, you get up to the elbow. >> No, I didn't see him, thank God. He wrote a very nice message after a voicemail, I'm Emma with his wife. >> Amazing. >> Just give her a nice, and I will tell you this, you can't really get out of your head that he's in the crowd. >> Of course. >> Which is like, I did 50. I usually do an hour plus, but I was like, let me just fucking ham, there's Carnegie Hall. Let me just ham, I didn't do, I usually go into the crowd a little, I didn't do shit, let me just run the hour and just fucking hammer. But it was cool guy, did a little after party, a tell showed up. >> Whoa. >> Love to see it. He was miserable, all these young comics are like, Dave and he's like, ah, Dave is like an actual cat. Well, you just, you get him for like a second and he runs away. >> Exactly, yeah, grumpy cat. Wow, that's incredible. >> My mom was there, yeah, sold out Carnegie Hall, can't complain, you know? >> That's unreal. >> Really cool. >> So cool. But yeah, when I did it with Jimmy Carr, Louie's in the front row going, like he's trying to like start a pause break, so I was like, I appreciate it, that's great, but you killed me. >> That was better than the alternative. >> Of course, of course, just like this. >> Yeah. >> Yeah, but yeah. >> That bald ginger in the front really would be good. >> That would be so fucked up, you just, you go to a premise and he's just like, yeah, he's like, oh, I heard that. >> Fine. >> Yeah, he pulls out a notebook, it's like still that. But yeah, yeah, that was crazy, but what a night. You could just take the subway there. >> Yeah, pretty cool, pretty cool. I actually, I should have taken the subway. I'm not gonna idiot, but I took a cab. >> Traffic. >> 50 fucking minutes. >> Oh, I was like, what, how dumb am I? >> Yeah, I never take, I always, I always take the subway. I don't know why I was just like, I didn't feel 100%. I was like, I was just jumping, I would have been way better off. >> Yeah. >> What are you gonna do? >> Subway is the move. >> He kind of grew up, blocks from there, right? >> No, my parents lived there now. I was Chelsea, then Upper East, so I wasn't close to there, but my parents are close to there now, so they walked there. >> No, was Veter just, I told Veter, I was like, this is your moment, because- >> He killed, dude. >> Well, he's got Jared, could use him as an opener, so I was like, this is a networking opportunity for you. >> Apparently, he asked for the number, so- >> Woo! >> Yeah, yeah, so we'll see, if we'll see if Lil Gary gets poached. >> I mean- >> Louie already poached my tour manager. >> Oh, really? >> Yeah. >> Damn. >> And you don't want to know what he's doing to him. But, no, and Jerry, yeah, he's a Gary killed it too, and Gary goes, that's all he said. I'm like, what do you want a fucking essay? >> Yeah. >> You open the show, you prick. >> Yeah, exactly. >> But now he killed it, and yeah, it was killer, man. It was awesome, and got hammered, of course. >> As you do? >> Got an open bar after the show. Very nice, Ricardo, thank you for that, man. >> Hell yeah. >> Through a party. >> Nice. >> Crazy. >> Yeah, well, Friday, we go to Thursday, we go to Tucson. Shane goes, I just want to go to a dive bar, low-key after the show. We'll get a couple drinks, we'll take it easy. One kid is there, we find this dive bar with batting cages, and black honor, it was super cool. >> Batting cages is drunk, that's fun. >> It was great, it was great. >> Because after the first few, just like, fuck it, let me take one. >> Yeah. >> Happy Gilmore style. >> Exactly, the problem is you have about 17 drinks, and you start chasing each other with bats. So that got, we got yelled at for that. But one kid is there, drinking alone, and he tweets out. The guys are here, the whole bar goes up. >> Of course. >> Every college student in America was there. >> And then you grab that kid, you beat him like Pescian Casino. He's like, you piece of shit, you fucking rat. >> The tidy whiteies, you put him in a hole. >> Oh fuck. >> Yeah, but yeah, we had a great time. Then you got to wake up, you got a Phoenix the next day on the PJ, and good times. >> It's not, you can't really complain about travel when you were shane. Because this is as luck as it gets. >> It's funny how- >> I brought Sandler to the fucking comedy, the comics game on Sunday, which was like, it was fun as hell to walk in, you know, because he, and he played hard, man. He still brings it, full court, and he played that morning. He texted me like 9 a.m. Hoops, and I was just like, oh, I didn't respond to like 1130. I was hungover. I said, I just woke up, man. He goes, I said, but there's a game later today, and he goes, fuck it, I'll do it again. I'm like, God bless him. >> Damn, now what's up with him and Shalimu? I saw they're playing. >> That was from a while ago, I think. >> Okay. >> But yeah, they, they were doing something together, yeah. Now he, but he was in town for one day, got two runs in. >> Wow. >> Fun to play with him too. He's like, I told him, I said, your NBA comp is Jason Kid on the Knicks. >> So like a little later in his career, not as quick, but still crafty. He makes, he had one behind the head pass, and everyone was like, oh shit, perfect dime. Like Yoch, Yoch, it was like, all right. >> Hell yeah. >> Yeah, it was nice. >> Does he, what is it, I mean, does he take you to a lunch after? How's that work? >> He's so fucking busy. Yeah, he came to the game and then he did a show with his daughter in town. He did a thing. >> Oh, jeez. >> Yeah, yeah, so that night, so he was just, you know. >> Nice. That's incredible. >> It was fun. >> Hoops with Sandler, comedy with Jerry. >> Hey, life's all right. So you're gonna be doing a movie with Woody. >> [LAUGH] >> God willing. >> And on a plane with Epstein, all the Jews, all the influential Jews. >> [LAUGH] >> Let's do it. >> Wow, yeah, so I'm still banged up. It's like, skank fast, the shame. >> Oh, dude, I'm riding all the way into the Christmas. >> I was drinking through a cold, like I was sick. I got an IV because I was, I got to be pretty sick to get in. I got to be pretty sick plus have a big gig to get an IV. >> Yes, yes. >> If I'm just sick, I'm not gonna get one, but if I have a big gig, I'm like, I need something. >> Right. >> But then I was like, I'm like afterwards, I'm like, when am I gonna do not get drunk? >> Yeah, it's cargy. >> So getting smashed and then, that weekend, I was like, I think I'm back. And then I'm pounding booze Saturday night, fucking hung over a ship for Sunday for the game. And I was like, I think, while I'm playing basketball, I was like, I think I'm still sick. >> Yeah. >> Cuz after the game, I was fucking puking. >> [LAUGH] >> I played like two hours, I was like, I'm like, fuck, gotta play. And then I'm just at home like, you know what I watched that night though? You know what's fucking great movie wreck? Blue moon with Ethan Hawke. >> Never seen it. >> It's fucking great, I loved it. >> It's a fight in these movies. >> It's getting a lot of buzz, man, it's a new movie. >> Yeah, yeah, it's Richard Linklater and Ethan Hawke. And he plays Lorenz Hart who is, so it was Rodgers and Hart and then Rodgers and Hammerstein, so he was his original partner and they did like my funny Valentine.
they did Manhattan, so many fucking, it had to be you. - Oh, wow. - So he was a lyricist and, you know, and then he did, he plays like a under five-foot, weird balding guy. - That's Sardees. - Dude, he's fucking great in it. - Damn, all right. - It's such a, it's really funny and sad. He's like a really talented but pathetic guy. And it's like a play, it's all in one room, the whole movie. - I'll check it out. - It's Lauren's text me, he's like, "You gotta watch this." And I was like, a couple other people told me, Ronon, I think Liz loved it too, so he's like, a few people like, "You gotta watch this." So, yeah, I loved it, dude. - All three hard men to please in a movie. - I know. - You know? - And sexually. - That's true. - Got a peg, Ronon. - Yeah. (laughs) - Lauren's is back as his hands are swayed. So you get the loop. - Well, jumpstart, yeah. But, you know, dude, you'd love it, I think. It's up your, it's up your anal story. - I mean, 'cause I didn't love the Bradley Cooper and you appropriation, yeah, what was that? - It's a different movie. - I know, but it's like a New York, it's music. - Yeah, but it's witty dialogue too, like it's up your alley for sure, and it's, and I like movies that are funny, but also are like, "Ah, this is sad, dude." - Yeah. - Something about, if you can walk that line and hit both of those, I'm like, "All right, pretty good." - All right, all right, we got a new wreck, I saw the ditty doc. - Not good. - I thought it was fun. - It just now, I don't think it was like well-made. - Oh, I thought it was pretty good. - I watched it all, I was fascinated. - All right, here's the crazy part, so I'm watching with the wife, and you know, I'm fingering her with baby oil or watching with you. - Sure, yeah. - It gets you horned in the movie. - Yeah, it's freak off, and a girl pops up from making a band or whatever. I was like, I think I went to high school with that girl. - Whoa. - And my wife's like, "Shut up, what are you talking about?" I'm like, I think I went to high school with her. We Googled it. Same age from New Orleans. - Whoa. - I was like, that's her, her name is Dawn Rechard. - Damn. - And she's just, I haven't finished the movie yet, but she's all, I think they hooked up. - Well, yeah, I don't think it was, I don't think it was a good hook up. - Yeah, well, I think they were dating. - I don't think we can go any of Ditty's sexual exploits, hookups. - Nick and this guy, fuck his girlfriend. And here's my issue, the guy fucks his girlfriend for 20 hours. - 20 hours. - Yeah, yeah. 20 hour hook, I'm sure he's on fucking all kinds of drugs and stuff. Ditty's jacking off for 20 hours, watching your girl get fucked, and by the way, six grand, not that much. - Wow. - You're making a guy do a 20 hour fuck. - Wow. - And he's walking with six K and he kept doing it. - Wow. - Damn, well, they must be watching a movie in the middle of that. 20 hours, you can't, they have us have a meal. - He must, yeah, maybe. - Yeah, otherwise you're paying overtime. - He didn't pay overtime, six grand is low. I also like, I love all the dumb quotes he has in it, even in the first episode when he's like, he was like, man, I'm judged by all these images, but if there were subtitles. - No. - It'd be, I'm like, dude, with the image, we're judging you on his beating the shit out of a woman. - Right. - So, what's up, so, ow. - Yeah. - What's helping? - It's like the old Batman show. - Kaboom. - Kaboom, pal. - Yeah, that's crazy. Dude, we have funnage of you beating up a lady in a hotel. - It is impressive how much he got done for how much drugs he took. - Wait a minute, did he was on drugs? - Oh, clearly. - I think he was. - He was sober in the beginning, maybe you haven't got, oh no, by the certain point. And by the way, he ain't looking great either with a shirt off. - No, doughy. - Yeah, it's weird. - Yeah. - Puff doughy, he's puffy. - Yeah. - Yeah, he didn't start puffy. And then he changed his name when he got puffy. - That's true. - Little weird. - Oh, then there's fluffy. (laughing) What's he up to? But yeah, yeah, he's a bad dude, but it's impressive how much he feel. Like, even that basketball game, he's like, I got nine people killed. Then I signed Biggie, then I signed Mac Miller or whatever the fuck he was saying. - Who got Mac Miller? - Oh, that's not a guy. - But apparently, but apparently, apparently, I didn't hang him with Mr. Cooper. - Yeah. - He got two-pot killed, he got Biggie killed. - Then I hung Mr. Cooper, I killed him. Dude, he apparently got two-pot killed. That's crazy. - Crazy. - So it's like, this is not, this is clearly a 50 cent PR stunt. - Yeah, yeah. But apparently. - Yeah, I mean, dude, do you like, if you couldn't hate this guy anymore, we got fucking two-pot killed? - I know. But the beauty is a 50 cent is just like, I'm not gonna talk about Jay-Z, I'm not gonna talk about Usher, I'm not gonna talk about Bieber. I just hate this guy. - Yeah. - I thought that was kinda nice. He could have brought everybody in, but he just-- - Yeah, he focused. - Lays are focused on the dids. - It's, you know what really kind of sickened me about the whole ditty thing is his boy, his supposed boy, Biggie gets killed. He comes out at the VMAs doing all-be-missing you. Just like dancing and shit. I'm like, dude, your boy died, and you come on stage, and you're just letting sting sing, and then you're just going like this. - He's a horrible dancer. - Horrible dancer, but-- - I don't think he did with dancing. - He was on par with the molestations. But with the dancing, you're just like, can you imagine your boy dies and you fucking are dancing? - Well, he didn't care about the guy, then when the guy died, he used it. - It's my moment. - It's my moment, yeah. - Anyone who's that publicly mourning is full of shit. - I know, and then he told me, Sally, told me, this is the craziest part about ditty. He did all this horrible shit, and I'm sitting there going, who has footage of all this? How does he have all this filmed? He's on the phone with a cop, he's on a hotel room, all this crazy shit. Turns out he paid a guy to film him. - Think this would be good. - Yes, but never paid the guy. So the guy's like, well, I'll just give it to 50 cent, then he's gonna pay me. You never paid me, fuck you. - Wow. - So even in the payment, he's a piece of shit. - Well, that's the other thing is like, he bullied people on his team. Like these, what do you do when you come up with these guys? What do you do with your crew? You take care of them. - Yes. - He didn't even do that. - Right. - You're gonna be a piece of shit, and it's like all your boys are going to lay a little Gary gets to eat. We know that. He gets his food, but it's literally, you're fucking boys and you're not. So who do you think's protecting you? - I know. - Your own boys are getting fucked over by that. - Yeah. He did the thing with the one guy with the dreads, super dumb, Kirk something burrows, and he's like, give me a 25%. - I know. - He just gave it to him. - Yeah, I know. - 'Cause they were scared. - They were scared and he's like, you'll get it back. Of course he didn't. Horrible. - Yeah. - Bad guy all around, not one redeeming. He wasn't a good promoter. - Yeah, I guess the parties were maybe fun. It is really when you see those pictures of those young ass people at the parties. - I know. - You're like, that's gotta be fucking, there's gotta be some, a lot of dark shit we don't know about. - There was a bad Leo shot in there too. I'm sure Leo was like, come on man. We gotta have photos. - Yeah. - Yeah, he had some rough, and he would take, did he dies? Did he pays for his own funeral? No. Biggie, Biggie pays for his own funeral. How crazy is that? He's like, I'm throwing him the biggest funeral, and that is family paid for it. - Yeah. - Crazy. - And then he fucking, he renegotiated the deal and Biggie dies 'cause he's like, oh, I don't have to take care of his state or whatever. I can just fuck him over. - And he dated JLo. Don't you wanna go JLo? What the hell was that about? What did you like him? What did you like? - They didn't know. He was just famous at the time. - Today was famous. - I think most people just didn't know. I think a lot of people find out someone's a piece of shit, like, usually it's like 15 years later. - Sure, but he seems like such a dork. Like he's like, come on with me, follow Daddy. We're going through my studio, and I'm like, oh, I hate this guy. - Yeah, he's just very sweet. - You know what, it's like, it's very cringy behavior. - Yeah. - It was all cringy, but people go, you know what, someone's got power. People fucking go with it. - I know. People are sheep. When he was getting, going to the court, all these people are outside with posts. We love you, Ditty. I'm like, who likes Ditty? He's not a talented singer. - People do that for serial killers though. - That's true. - It doesn't mean shit. People are fucking dumb. - They're dumb. - They're women who are like, I wanna have your baby, Charles Manson. - That's true of fame. - It goes a long way. - People are so, yeah, that's the other thing. Yeah, Ditty and Ellen. - Oh. - It's crazy to see Ellen interviewing someone and she's the nice one. - Right. - Right. - Well, Ellen, you think your staff was treated poorly? - Ah. - You gotta watch this duck. - Yeah. - She came back to America. - Did she? - Yeah, she moved back in. - Damn. - We got her back. - Can we get Ellen on the show? - Ooh. - Ellen with fits. That'll be a good one. The final showdown. - I hope she dances in. I'm like, so, I heard your cut. Tell us everything. - What does it say about dancers? - Cosby dancing. - People who are dancing. - Cosby danced. - Yeah, dancing people. - In the intro. - Damn. - Yeah, you can't get mad at a dancing person. Like dancing baby. - Well, it's charm, it's bullshit. It's not real. People always say like, "Hey, Sam, why don't you dance? "Maybe I'm not a fucking predator." - Oh. - Yeah. - Did you ever think about that? - You're right. - The dancing. Yeah, if we get to look at that friend's cast, they might be next. - Oh. - They love dancing. - They were all over that fountain. - Yeah. - That wasn't water in that fountain. - That was baby oil. - Wow, yeah, look at Cos. - Damn, dude. - Keep your eye for dancers. - That was a crazy, crazy doc. I mean, yeah, by the fourth episode, you're just like, it is weird 'cause you love the rise. And look, I get it. - I do. - But I was just like Jones and for the, let's see the bad shit. - Uh-huh. - But yeah, it is crazy to take you back. Like, man, this guy takes you back to that 90s rap shit. You've seen the two-pock biggie shit in so many docs. That's the only thing, but I'd never heard the angle I didn't even-- - Diddy got him killed. - I know. And 56 has been sitting on that. He's worked on this for two years. He said, and he's been waiting. And he's so, he's the ultimate hater. He did an ABC interview. And they're like, "Why'd you do ABC?" He goes, 'cause the only one that plays in prison. - Yeah. - So I want Diddy to see it. So you're like, "Damn, those guys on another level!" (laughing) - Yeah, well, he won. - Yeah.
- He ate Zoran, 50 cent, yeah. He came up publicly, he's like, ah, this is crazy. - What a damn. So that's, are you reckon that, that's a wreck for you? - Yeah, I guess so, it's not really the only thing I've been able to see, I've been on the road so much. I'm doing this thing where I'm just grinding like crazy till the holiday, then I'm done. - Yeah, to get new shit. - Get new shit, make a couple bucks. Then the holiday, I'll take like two weeks off. - Yeah, I'm kind of at that point when I'm taking some time off now. I'll kick it back up hard in January, but I mean, I'm still doing sets around town, but I'm just fucking, I'm gas, dude. - Oh yeah, gas digital. I'm wiped, skankfest, fucked it all up. Oh, wait, I can't say that. - What? - Well, you're not gonna believe who donated to skankfest. - Who? - Joe, let's put out a, hey, I'm doing a skankfest doc, if you'd like to donate, hit me up. You'll never guess who donated. Take, take, I'll give you three guesses. - Ditty. - No comedian. - Who is it? - Three guess, Seinfeld. - That's one. - Really? - It's a good guess, but now. - Gaffigan. - Two, no. - Is it someone who's done it? - No. Go nuts, get way out there. - Louis, I can't make you one expect. - Oh, wow. - Donated to the skankfest doc. - What did they say? - Oh, what did the list say? - She just texted me. He was like, oh my god, thank you. This is an honor. I appreciate it. - Wow. - That was it, but. - She gave me a call after Carnegie. - Oh, she's aware of everything. - Yeah, it's very nice call. - Speaking of Jerry, though, at a one last week. And he gave us his peeves, but we didn't get a chance to get to them. I thought it'd be only right to just. - And I got actually a lot of peeves, dude. - I got a two peeves. - Yeah, oh wow, so this is Jerry. - This is Jerry's. - So pet peeves being in anyone's way. It's a great peeve. And by the way, can I tell a quick story that happened to Gary and I on our flight to Reno. So I made the mistake. Look, it was a little money grab Reno Casino, but it was also great shows. I love the crowds. - Yeah. - But I don't want to normally fly, a connect flight on Thanksgiving weekend, 'cause you just know, you know you're fucked. - Oh yeah. - So we connect in Denver on the way there. There's a little bit of a layover. We have, I have a couple drinks at the bar. We're watching the next game. And then I was like, all right, let's get on this flight. So we get on the flight. We're sitting there for a while. We're like, this is weird. Deplane, fuck. All right, so we're deep, we have to de-board everyone. And it's not like, it's a connection. So what do you do when you de-plane? You get out in order. - Right. - There's this dad and his son who are being fucking assholes and they're pushing people out of the way, trying to get out first, and they're from a few rows back. And we're just like, what the hell is with these people? So I see the kid and I go, fuck this kid. I'm boxing his ass out. So I get in front of him. I box him out of Gary's like, good. - How was the kid? - Probably 15 would be my guess. - Oh, okay. So he's old enough to know better, too young to fuck. (laughter) - It's mental, it depends. - Or the flight. - So I box him out and then Gary tries to get in, he gets ahead of Gary. Gary's annoyed. So the dad tries to nudge Gary out and Gary's pissed. And Gary goes, "Gee of mine, I'm trying to get my bag." And then he goes, he goes, "Oh yeah, Mr. Big Shot." So I'm like, "Ooh, this guy's a dick." - No one's called Gary Big. (laughter) - He loved it. - Yeah. - So then I turn around and I didn't notice how bad it got. Gary, the guy goes, "What did you call me?" That's when I hear it. And I turn around and I go, "What?" And Gary goes, "Dickhead." (laughter) Gary calls the guy a dickhead in front of his child. And everyone hates this guy, by the way, 'cause he was being a bully. - Yes. - And Gary, tiny dude, but he's got triceps, dude. This guy's, and he played hockey, he's not scared. - He's long island. - And I think two on two were cooking these guys. We're fucking, you know. - Yeah, 15-year-old. - Yeah, one of them's 15. I'll take that kid out easy. Gary, you can worry about the dad. He had a few inches on Gary. I heard he was about 6-3. - But everyone's got a few inches on Gary. - That's true. - But then, so it keeps, and then the guy keeps turning around. He goes, "You gonna stop and Gary goes, "you gonna stop turning around?" - Ooh. - And then I go to Gary, go, "There's two of us "to, you know, get him amped up, like just in case." And then this guy behind us goes, "There's three." And I was like, "How motherfucking, yes, let's ride." - What a hero. - So everyone's on our side. Everyone hates him. And then this guy's talking shit. And as we get off a flight attendant, it was like, "Can we take a photo together?" So I'm like, "Ooh, everyone in this fucking gate "is on our side." - Yes. - The dad and the son had to fucking go away. - Whoa. - And they took a little walk. And they, and they come back on. We got back on, but I was like, "Fuck, you have "fucked these guys." - Whoa, and those were Somali terrorists. - They were. - I didn't want to say. - It's like when you turn on a heckler and then the whole crowd is like, "Fuck this guy." - Exactly. - It was, it was pretty satisfying. - Wow. - We had everyone in the, in the whole area on our side. And everyone loved Gary for, for, for talking shit. 'Cause that's, that's in New York and Gary. He will not fucking, he won't let it go. - He will not. - He has publicly done this shit a lot. And there's a part of me. It's like, "Should I tell him to dial it back as a friend?" But, you know, he's just like, "Now let's see how far he takes it." - Man, imagine if you got into a like a United flight video. - Oh, dude. - As you see those all the time. - All I was thinking was, if we, if we get into a flight. - Yeah. - We ain't getting to the gig. There's not a lot of flights to Reno. We're in a connect flight. - That's true. - We're just looking in case. 'Cause we were like, what do we do if this flight doesn't take off after you de-bored? There was nothing. So we were like, so if this doesn't take off, even tomorrow 'cause we got there a day early. - Oh, my God. - I said, even tomorrow, there was nothing. So I said, I guess we're driving from Denver? - Oh. - I don't even know. We didn't really-- - Seven hours? - I was like, maybe we fly to, yeah, we didn't, it was, it was, we were fucked, no matter what. So. - Wow. - We got lucky, but. - But was the guy who said, "and me?" Was he a fan? Or is he just a random fan? - He was just a dude, I think he was a dude who just saw what we were doing and was on board with the message. - Just a real cowboy. - Yeah, and we were 15 hours. - The whole, ooh, yeah, so we were fucked. I mean, we weren't making it, basically. - No. - Holy moly. Well, good friend. - And then on the flight back, it just got canceled. So we got fucked on the way back, too. So, you know, holiday travel's tough. Got anyone doing that? My heart's out to you, it's getting fun. - Then you get to the show, that guy's front row with the kid. (laughing) - Wow, I've always said Gary quietly, the manliest guy I know. - I won't go that far. - He's tough, man. - He's tough, but he stole it. - He stole it. - He holds it in until he doesn't have to. - And he's got a lot of childhood rage. - Yes, exactly. - When you had a dad that bad, you're holding some shit in. But yeah, he was ready to go, I was proud of him. - Oh man, well, I've told you my Gary's story. - Which one? - One time, me and him took a cab from like, I don't know, the seller to New York comedy club on four streets, like a $10 cab ride. Gary's paying with his credit card, puts the tip in. One to give the guy a dollar. He gave him $100. - Ooh. - And the guy's, and he's like, oh, I actually gave you 100. It's supposed to be a buck, and the guy goes, I don't know how to change it, man. Sorry, and he's like, yeah, you do. - This is like a horror story for Jews. - It was hell, yeah. And the guy's like, get out of my car, man. I don't know how to change it. Gary's like, I'm not getting out. You're gonna miss your all the affairs tonight because I will sit in this car all fucking night. And I'm like, Gary, I gotta go. I gotta go on, he's like, you can go on. I'll be here, and I'm like, I don't wanna leave. He's like, just leave me, I'll sit here. So I do a set, I come back, he's still in the car. And I sit back in the car with him because I wanna watch. And he's like, you know what you're fucking doing? Fuck you, I know you can change your piece of shit. And he's like, yelling through the glass. And the guy's like, I can't change it, man. Well, he keeps sitting there. Two hours go by. The guy was like, all right, and he changed. - Wow. - So Gary's like, I told you, I knew it, and then he like spit on the car. - The only time Gary's ever done an hour. (laughing) - I can haggle my friends. (laughing) - So yeah, Gary's done. - Yeah, check out Gary's amazing podcast number one, Dad. It is unbelievable. - It's so good. - It's done like a 30 for 30. It's like documentary style, I love it. - Really good, yeah. - Yeah, dude. - Get it down. - Yeah, I got, you know, to do some more pees from Jerry here, doing something without a thought or plan as well as, oh, we talked about Pet pee, but yeah, doing something without a thought or plan. That's an interesting one. - That makes sense, does he know? - He's very regimented. - Yes, boy, is he. - Everything about him, yeah. - We're waking up at 10, then we're going to breakfast at 11, then the movie at 12.30, like he's all in on that. - I don't hate that. - I don't hate it either. But I like that too, because you ever had a group, I just had my nieces here, my dad, my mom, my brother, and he's like, what are we doing today? And they're like, I don't know, what do you want to do? What do you want to do? And we're just sitting there for like 35 minutes. And then eventually someone's like, let's go to the park. And they're like, I don't want to go to the park. You're like, alright, so we'll just sit here. We ended up watching how to train a dragon. (laughing) Nice when they get off into opinion. But you're slowing everything down. I need opinion. - Yes. - I can eat anything. Well, I can eat anything too. - Right. - Well, I can eat anything through it. And you're like, alright, we'll just fucking, give me some. (laughing) - Give me something, and then-- - Your whole family stays in, eating your ass. So like, this was a fucking bad night. - Yeah, and then I'm like, okay, will you want to eat? I don't care. All right, let's go get Thai food. I don't like Thai food. So you do care. So now we're here, we're doing this shit. - Exactly. Jerry Rex, the Beatles, which, you know what? - Come on. - I think they're gonna be all right with that. - Jerry, I don't know. - But, you know what? They are incredible. But the Beatles like Seinfeld, it's like one of those things like, you watch the show, and I said this to him, but it's like, you're like, fuck, that premise has been done? - I know. - 'Cause sometimes I'll forget, and I haven't seen the episode in a while, I'm like, oh, they should go this way, and they do go that way. - Yeah. - And I'm like, fuck. - They got everything. - They hit everything. - You just say the Beatles are like Seinfeld? - The Show Seinfeld. - You're totally right. - Because it's like, the Beatles, who you're like, you think of a song, you're like, the Beatles did it. It's the Show Seinfeld, the same show. - That's a great, that's a great call, yeah. And then what's the stones? Maybe, something a little harder, Reggie. - Maybe curb. - Yeah. - Curve could be the stones. - Okay. - Interesting. - Interesting. Yeah, Peter Sellers, I mean, we've talked about this movie that you wrecked to me. - Thank you. - Being there?
I brought up him he didn't love it to me. No, I brought to him. He doesn't love it He was like I get it's a good premise, but I feel like it's not using sellers to his abilities It's kind of like having Jim Carey play a waiter or something who's serious, but I like when Jim Carey's serious You like the majestic I didn't see that one Yeah, I like him in Truman show was fun eternal sunshine. Yeah Yeah, we're they're not all gonna be winners same with the Robin Williams. Yeah, good will is fun Yeah, see wait until dark. What's that what's that all this is in it. I'm recommending this to you. Is it good? It's so fucking good. Is this Audrey Hepburn where she's blind? Yes, great movie and Peter sellers plays the heavy. No shit Alan Arkin's the bad guy. Oh my god am I wrong? Huh, I don't know about that. Look on that fucking ron tomatoes. It's Alan Arkin. Thank you. Anyway, watch this movie It's good. Dude, I got another movie I'd never seen. I don't know if you guys have seen the four-hour version of once upon a time in America No, holy shit. Wait James Woods. Yeah, amazing hero. I've seen it It's kind of got that like Mahal and drive thing where it's oh you're like is this real as it's not real There's guilt. There's drugs. Yeah, you don't know who it's trust. It's so long. Yeah, it's fucking But I I wrecked it to my body and he was like man. This is crazy It's it is one of the most gorgeous looking movies I've ever seen. Yeah, like every I mean It's New York looking as gorgeous as it could the bridge and you know totally so and it's old New York Old New York Chinatown was Chinatown. I wish I wish you got a little more peshy Look at that. Yeah, I mean look at those shots. It's fucking gorgeous. Is that when they fucked the girl in the roof? Yeah shows the pus. Yeah, there's some fucked up rape scenes in it. It's a wild movie. Yeah remember the lady comes in it looks at all their dicks Yes, yeah, that's my nightmare. Oh, yeah, I mean it's Cold in here. What do we do? She was by all of us. She's like, you know what none of them are gonna do I've seen with comedians. Right. No, this is why we're comedians. No, dude Yeah, there's so many good scenes that but yeah, there's a couple rape scenes in it. We were like holy fucking shit. Yeah, it's heavy It's dark. It's it's rare to see a movie with a main character rapes Yeah, I got to rewatch this. It's so remember the girl Yeah, I don't know. I don't want to give it away. Yeah, but maybe maybe not maybe cut that part. It's open ended I'll say that but uh, yeah, I know it's it's interesting man. I I was Sergio Leone Yeah, it's it's rare that I can watch a movie that long and be like, okay, I'm I'm hanging. Yeah, it wasn't boring No, no, it's great. It's great and it looks great and it's and dude the The score by any more Kona is that he says man? God damn Yeah, it's so good and the kids to me are the best part when they're kids I know because there's something about a coming of a yes gangster thing where they're still fucking like you think they'd have some code Because they came up together, but they'll still fuck each other over 100% that's the crazy part of me as you see the purity of Being kids and you're she even says to him when he's a kid. She's like yeah, like I could love you But you're a two-bit fucking hood You're scumbasically and she could see it out of a child, right? Which is crazy, but I guess that's what you see like I Have seen those kids where I'm like, oh that kid's a fucking problem. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Stuck with my kid. Yeah, he's gonna be fuck. He's gonna be trouble word is accident. No, but yeah. Yeah, that. Oh, what do you do? What is this? The studio is not for you guys. Oh good. It's not the Christmas episode, but I'll take it It's for the studio It's a picture of your child naked Martin So we all know this part of the sopranos. I knew it was gonna be something gay No one knew I knew it was gonna be some kind of gay joke That's good stuff good. I've got not gay, but Yeah, signed Holy shit, you reap what you sow. God. So gay and pito, which is Unbranded with the podcast. I have to say well done. So I'd rather be a pito He's our guest We're guys in jail right now. Like what the fuck is he in jail? I assume Child porn. Yeah, it's a bad one. I'll do it John reep Fucking weird. I'm John creep was the headlines. Was it? Yeah, of course. It's too easy a name. I like if your last name is tape Date tape tape what is it survivor? Okay, dude. That's I got I got some other pee I wrote it down a bunch of peeves if you guys I got a weird pee please hit me. Okay. This is this was a little outside the box. Okay So is this guy? Okay, you ever the guy who's who's talking about selling and you have to pull information out of him He's telling you a story, but you're pulling information and you're not even into it I don't know if you have to just get it over with yeah, like I was talking about comic and he's like yeah I was like how was your weekend? He's like good did some show in Denver. I'm like. Oh, how's the show? That was good Kind of heart attack in the front row. I'm like what what happened? I died. I'm like what what the guy died He's like yeah, he died. I'm like why don't you go? I did a show this weekend a guy in a heart attack and died Yeah, I had to ask him 17 questions to get to the death of the guy. It's like you know what it is It's like you're doing the opposite of clickbait. Yeah, like that should be the headline right why am I having to click on the article to fucking Exactly. He's like edging me. Yeah, I'm like almost there. What else? He's like give me increments of the story. I'm like you should be telling me this why am I so if I had to ask I would know a guy died It's insane. Yeah, I hate that shit. Yeah, so we and but I'm talking to him like it's always like that So it's very frustrating. Do I know this guy? No, I'm sure you do. I'll tell you later But and I made up the guy dying store, but that's but that's the that's the order here. Yeah, I got a few man I got a lot. Okay, great one is you guys won't relate because you're all fucking in relationships, but dating profiles that are like artsy So it's like, you know like one picture like three pictures of her and sunglasses a picture of fetuccini a Fucking sunset. I'm like. I'm just trying to figure out what you look like here Oh That's pretentious shit. Like let me show you how cultured I am like I just want to see your ass. Yeah I'm gonna go in a date with you. Not a fucking sunset. What do I do? Yeah, I can see my own sunset and here's another one with the same one a Dating that peeve they're like all it all the pictures. They've like an artsy job and they're all at work It'll be like a ballerina and every it'll be seven pictures of her, but she's like a ballerina in every picture I'm like is this all you do I guess you only do ballet huh? Not all my pictures are gonna be on stage. Oh all mine were really my my tinder was me with Conan me with Fallon me with co-bear Me with cordon. I think I did the same thing for a while. Hey, I'm not trying to get married here These are our tints Conan is my tints. Yeah, yeah success for a man is is there hot exactly? Yeah, and I get great Mess like what are you doing on here? You should be taking it. I'm like. I'm still a piece of shit No, I'm like you photoshopped all these you're full of shit. Oh, yeah center the link. Yeah, or they or the I get that a lot like this another one. I get would be like you I don't see a lot of long-term potential here And I'm like I'm just trying to see a naked. I know you read what we're doing here. What's going on exactly? Yeah, you're right She did read me right. You know also we're with us those dating apps back in my day would be like her with three girlfriends And I'm like, why would you put yourself in a picture with hotter friends John fish had a great joke about okay Would be a girl and he beg I'm the one on the right he goes who's the one on the left? Exactly. Great bit put yourself with a salicuse Mix it up. We look good All my photos are with me Joe list and Sean Murphy Okay It's me Jeff Ross I got I got another piv tall sandwiches I hate a tall sandwich like a cat's deli no Tats is a one exception because it's so fucking good and it's like there's their thing but like And it's also not that messy cats Tall it's like dude, guess what my mouth doesn't go open To hear what are we doing exactly you're creating a mess the burgers they get the big burgers like that too I don't yeah, I'm not I like you can go horizontal. Why aren't we going horizontal? Oh good point It's like they're building Manhattan skyscraper. Give me a ranch house. I like look at that That's a nightmare to eat nightmare. You're just thinking to the fucking mess. I can't eat this You know without looking like a pig now now you never order to say much on a date because there's a lot of like up the tomato falls out You got mayo over here and bacon's up your ass. You gotta you gotta go or soup. Don't get soup on a date either Yeah, it's just not it's not a manly thing to get. Yeah, I fucking love soup. I do too soup But it gets everywhere soup gets you through New York winters man. Oh, yeah, it's 20 degrees out I get myself a fucking split pee. I have myself a day. Oh, yeah Give me some soups. What do you what you go to? I mean, I love a mushroom barley. I love a mushroom barley. I love a The Selka best best mushroom barley in city right mushroom barley a Veselka. Yeah, so good. I love vegetable beef I love a gumbo. I love a borscht a board. I love the seller board the seller borscht. I love that borscht It's supposed to be cold, but they go hot. I like it hot better. Mm-hmm. It should be hot. I'm literally saying mark eat Other people's borscht. He'll do a set come upstairs see someone left their borscht. It's so intimate a borscht Yeah, he'll just sit there and eat it. Oh, yeah, yeah soup should not be shared. No, no, but
It should not be wasted. (laughter) - The shortest poem of all time. (laughter) - Hold on, what was your first pee before tall sandwiches? - The bad dating profiles. - Oh, the bad dating, yeah. Damn, I had something on that, it's gone. Oh, shit, sorry. - I got a ton of peeves this week. - Keep going, because more peeves make me think of my peeves. - All right, I got one. Ooh, this is a real one. When the browser glitches and moves down and you click the wrong thing, that happens all the time. You'll just click on it and then it'll like pokes up and you're like, "Ah, I've clicked the wrong fucking thing." - Oh, like an ad or something? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's annoying. - Oh, fucking annoys me. And then this is another one to go off that is when they tell you to, like just fill in with a strong password. She used their strong password instead of one you could run with. And then it doesn't let you in. It doesn't remember. I'm like, "This was your idea." - All right, you told me to do this. And it's not fucking working. - That shit drives me bananas. - I go crazy. - Yeah. - I had to do a contract today. It took me like fucking seven minutes 'cause they wouldn't remember. And I was like, "This should take 30 seconds." - Yeah, I have one password. If you figure out my one pat, you can get into my birth certificate, my ass, everything. - You know, cavity 47 with an exclamation point. - Yeah, it's bad. I think it's the same thing for every app 'cause I can't do it. I've had too many nope wrong, not strong enough. - Yeah, but then one, here's what happens. One, you get logged out somehow and then you're like, "Fuck forever." - Yeah, yeah. - Because it makes me crazy. - You know, it's the worst. Now this is a deep dive shit. I go into an app and they go, "Your password is wrong. Make a new password." I go, "Okay, I'll reset." I put the new password in and they go, "You can't reuse a password." - I hate that one. - I'm like, "You made me change it." And now you're saying the other one was wrong, but then you're saying it was the same one. Which one is it? - Oh, it's fucking annoying. - Try to be nuts. - Try to be nuts. Say it, it's something, I mean, I got plenty to do. I can keep going. - Yeah. Let's see what else we got. - Gaffkin has a great bit about the weak password. - What is it, how's it going? - I can't remember, but it's like 10 minutes long. It's incredible. - Yeah, every fucking bit of it is. - He stretches every ounce of fat. - So good. - Damn. Let me see, here's one. It was raining really hard the other day. So, you know, I'm just waiting to get a cab. I was trying to get some way, but I was like, "Oh, I was gonna walk, but I forgot an umbrella." I'm like, "Wait for a cab." And this person pulls up and finally see one. Pulls right in front of my building. So I'm like, "Perfect." And she took forever to get out. Just forever. I'm like, "What is she doing?" - Oh, that makes sense. - And then I'm like, "Fuck, is she crippled? "Am I being insensitive? "You don't want to be a prick?" And then she got out and she was just inconsiderate. She was in perfect health. And I was happy she was, 'cause my anger was justified. - Yes. - You ever had that where you're like, "Oh, good, it's also good that you're not handicapped." - Right, right. - But also good that I get to be like, "What the fuck?" - Yeah. - Like everyone of these is like, "Oh, and she goes, "I'm sorry." I'm like, "All right." But that was like a hot five minute. She was just like checking her phone with me. - Five minutes. - Like what do we do? Five minutes. I was under an awning, but I'm like, "Come on." - It was a cab? - It was her in the cab. I don't know what she was doing to that. - Maybe she was having some credit card trouble. - No, she was on her fucking phone. - Oh, okay. - Wow. - It was paid for. - Damn, that's crazy. - That was a peep. That inconsiderate is a huge thing. - Inconsiderate is bad. And this city is full of you just a loud guy on the phone. It's the speaker guy. - The speaker guy. - The yelling guy. Yeah, there's so much of that. - Inconsiderate is one of the worst qualities. - I know. Joe had a, I don't want to give away a show. We had an idea for a show called "Inconsideration." And it was about all the people you see on the subway with a booming boom box. You get to go up and go, "All right, sir. "Will you talk to us and tell us like, "how do you, like, a little courtroom would set up?" Like, don't you feel like other people don't want to hear this? - The boom box. It sounds like this is about a certain race. - Yeah. - This is somewhere like birth of a nation. - The "Inconsideration." - If your brain went somewhere, that's all you. But yeah, but it's a fun show. Like, oh, you got eight bags on the seat. Let's talk to you, sir. How do you feel? This is okay. - Interesting. - It's a funny idea. - But that guy's going to kick your ass. One of those guys will kick your ass. 'Cause they're clearly, some of these people are just crazy. - Yeah, exactly. - I was on the train last night. There was a guy who was just clearly, he was just like, going nuts. And he was like, oh, it's like, here's a good thing about crazy people in New York. It's like a bomb. You see the explosion coming a few minutes away. - Yeah. - So he's like, oh, he's muttering, saying awful shit. - Yeah. - And I saw him explode. I saw these people run off and I was like, I got to have a couple minutes early. I knew to go to the other train, but. - Smart. And then people go, everybody in New York just stands there and does nothing. It's like, hey, it's 'cause it happens twice a minute, twice a day. And two, he's crazy. What am I going to do with this, sir? You're being inappropriate, he's not going to go. You got to talk about that, I had a moment. No, he's going to stab you. - Exactly, oh man, I was with the New Yorker ones and he talked shit to a crazy guy. I go, what is it, you're fucking first day? - Uh-huh. - You don't talk shit, they're insane. - They're insane. - I said dickhead. - It was Steve Fabricam from The Cellard. - Outside Steve. - Oh, yeah. - You go to The Cellard. - He's a firecracker. He's a firecracker, but he talked shit to a crazy guy. And he goes, that's what you do. I go, that's not what you're fucking do. You let him walk by. - You think they're picking up on your sarcasm? - Right, right. It's like when I've got the CD off that guy and you're like, what are you doing? - Yeah, oh, yeah. - What do you do then? - The guy walk by and he goes, I got CDs, I got CDs given out CDs. And I was like, I didn't want it CD, but I was like trying to get rid of the guy. So I was like, all right, I'll take a CD and he goes, let me sign it for you. - No, that's fucking amateur. - And he signed it and I took it and he goes, that's 50 bucks. - Yeah, I was like, no, no, it was like in slow motion. Like don't dig it. - Yeah, yeah. - You scared me. - I was trying to get away from the guy. So I was like, yeah, give me the CD so I can keep walking, but yeah, I fucked up. - You can't, yeah, that's the oldest trick in the book. - Day one. - The scam. - That's New Orleans. I bet I can tell you where you got your shoes. - Yeah. - On your feet, then you got all the guy five bucks. (laughing) - You're like, that wasn't worth $5. - I know. - He's like sure it was. - It works though. You get some Cleveland guy in there. Now we had a bed at breakfast. - Ooh. - Yeah. - Now I wanna hear what you guys think of this. - So we're debating on the pancake of the waffle, the world's ultimate quest. - Which is better? - No, no, which we should get. Like we always get-- - Which is better in there, but that's not the bed. - What's the bed? - Well, what's the bed? - Well, so the bed is-- - It's better first. - So we're deciding on should we get a pancake of what's better? And then I go, well, it's the same batter. And he's like, no, it's not. They're different things. And he's like a waffle taste better, but a pancake, more of them. And I said, yeah, but it's the same liquid that's just heated up. And he was like, that's crazy. What do you guys think? - First off, it depends on where you are. Because certain places do one better than the other. - Standard diner. - Standard diner? I'm always going pancakes. - But what are the bed is? Are they made of the same thing or not? Is it the same batter? - I think so. I mean, it's pancake batter slightly different? I don't know. - Interesting. - Peter's, you're an ex-fat. - He says, same, ex-fat. - Yeah, I think it's texture. I do think it's the same thing. - So we asked the waitress, she said, it's the same stuff back in the kitchen. - Oh yeah, you owe me money by the way. - So it's shape. - Okay. - So it's shape. - It's a different shape. That's it. - Yeah, I mean. - The waffle's way better anyway. It's crispier. - You got the syrup trap. But a pancake's got it. - There's something you want to say. - What we do usually when we're on tour, we do, you know, we all get eggs and then we do pancake for the table. - That's what we do. - I like a pancake for the table. - No waffle? - Sometimes you do a waffle too. Sometimes you mix it up. We, someone, Vitor is such a food con that he say, what are you known for? And half the time, they're like, what are you, what can give this shit? - But he gets him with the, what are you known for? I will say there's a diner in Portland that's the best waffle I've ever had. Sometimes you get a real crispy. I love a thin waffle. I love a thin anything. - Sure. - Like a thin crust pizza. I always go thin. I always want the crisp. I always want the-- - Yeah, good point. Not a producer. But yeah. No, thin is better. You're right. - Now I can't laugh without hearing Adam Ray do my laugh. - Oh, that's a good guy to laugh. God damn, they fucking nailed us, dude. - They killed it. - All right. - It is flattering knowing it's two people who are that funny, just nailing you. - Nailing it. And they're very talented. I could never do this in a million years. - Yeah. - Oh yeah, well this is harder, deeper. What are you gonna do? - Oh my God. Oh God. (laughing) - Wow, that must have, you must've listened a lot of hours to get that. - Oh, that's crazy, 'cause I was at New York, I was there. I was at New York. No good. - It's close, he's got to go a little deeper. - Yeah, but he's like out the side of the mouth, he's going like a cliche New York guy. - That sense wrong. - Yeah, but I see where he's going for and I think he could figure it out. But so funny, I was texting with Adam Ray before I saw it, a couple days before I saw this. And he actually told me he's like, you know, I listen to you in Mark's pod all the time. - Wow. - And then I saw that I was like, holy shit. Some of the people just say stuff. - Yeah. - But I was like, oh no, he listens. That's insane. - Yeah, I say that to people all the time. Oh, a big fan of fun. (laughing) - He's a love-comptow. (laughing) - So at the end of this, he has a rogan. I don't know if you heard this. The rogan laugh is spot on. - All right, let's hear it. - Let's rock. - See, my sandwich is a little done. - He used to be nicker-backer. (laughing) - That's so good. - Oh my god. - We rich in nicker. - You're gonna call them nicker-backer. - Look at that, look at that. - God damn. - I can do a laugh, I can do a similar laugh. I can do a rogan laugh, ready? - Do a rogan. (laughing) - Wow. - Yeah. - He's good. Has Joe seen this? This is really fun. - I'm sure he has, yeah. - Where's you sling at Joe? At the commissioner, we are crashing. (laughing) - Oh, wow. - That's great. - Oh my god. - He goes back and away, up and away. - His laugh is infectious, but that's all I can, his voice is really specific. - It's kind of Normandy. - Damn, that is impressive. - Wow. - That is impressive. - Very good, very talented couple of guys right here. - And you know what's impressive about both of them? Is they don't really use it in their act. - Yeah. - It's like soda. Like soda can just break into any impression, but he doesn't, 'cause he's aware, it's like the gym character.
back in the day. He was doing impressions and then he did better when he was just him, you know. But I always admire people who have that ability and then don't even feel the need to use it. Do you think that's innate? What? With the impressions. I think a little bit, but I think you got like a bit, you got to work on it. You got to hone it. Because you could see he doesn't quite have my voice now and yet. So he's clearly worked on the laugh. Yeah. But I wonder how they do. Do you think they they record it and they're like, that was close. I wonder. I think they've been here. That's how to write when I did that. God. It's fucking impressive. And then you know it's the weird thing is when people go, does that piss you off? Is that why I'm like, no, it's flour. Exactly. They took the time to do me. They do it well. I love it. I love it. The first time I saw it, I forgot who sent it to me. It might have been one of you guys, but I was laughing my ass off. Yeah, same. I laughed out loud. I was like, I did my dumb fucking laugh out loud. It elicited the laugh. He was doing it. Yeah. So I did a bad friends on Saturday, your Friday, and I was like, sent, you know, do it to me. And that's really eerie when he's like in your in front of you doing you and you're like, you're responding. And then he repeats the response and you're like, it's like the Spider-Man meme. Wow. I don't know who's who. Holy shit. It was crazy. It is a talent, dude. Yeah. It really is. I mean, very cool. When I'm with Mark on the street, often people don't recognize him right away because he looks, you know, like a regular guy, but when he's talking, people are like, I heard your voice, is that you? Right. So like the voice is almost more distinct than you. Yeah. This voice has got me nothing. My whole life. It was made fun of, you know, women hated it, whatever, and then all of a sudden it works with comedy. It would distinct me good. I mean, look at Owen Wilson's nose. True. Good point. Jennifer Gray changes her nose. The whole career's gone. Yeah. I mean. She was cute with the nose. Yeah. You love a big honk. I do like a shnauz. I do. I like a beak. You do. What do you think that is? I don't know. I think it gives your face something like to be like a hidey clume is almost boring. Yeah. It's almost like when everything is perfect, it's less memorable. Yeah. Yeah. It adds a little character. Definitely. Like, oh, yeah. These are, these are hot. There was a woman in the show Boys. You ever watch the show Boys with the superheroes? The Boys. The Boys, sorry. Yeah. Boys was a different. That was on a worse channel. I think Kevin Spacey's a bit. But yeah. I'm just waiting. Yeah. There it is. But there was a supervillain in the movie or the show. I love that we're like every week. We're like, can we get Kevin Spacey on every week? We're like, come on. He listens to one cliff. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, can these guys stop calling me a pedophile? That's right. We got one with Jerry with Kevin Spacey. Yeah. There it was. Claire. They called me a pedophile. I don't know. Wait. That's not her. No. I'm talking a fucking crazy big old beak. All right. She was in the show Boys. But I couldn't. That's her. Yeah. I couldn't take my eyes off her because I was hungry. Let me see. Which one? She's got to be Middle Eastern or something. Oh, OK. Got it. Give me an image. Claudia, I do mind. Very attractive woman. But that snows was distracting me from the show. Oh, yeah. She's attractive. She's attractive. For sure. Yeah. That mug shot. Definitely. One angle. Definitely. Yeah. They know what they're doing. Lady. Third sideways. So you like a kind of Middle Eastern look too. Is it just the Persian Persons like the number one to me? Really? Oh, yeah. Israeli. That whole world. Nice. Yeah. All the war torn, you know, have to go to fight because they're tougher women too. Yeah. Maybe that's a dominating a little bit too. Yeah. Maybe. Give me some iron dough. Speaking of dominating. Look at that thing. Jesus Christ. Can we talk about what you text us about? Sure. I mean, Peter just brought it up that he used to go to Swinger's parties. I know. And I was like, what? Casually. And I want text. Yeah. My ex-wife was a little bit of a freak, so it started, we both, it was towards the end of our marriage, obviously. Yeah. That doesn't pop up in week one. Yeah. They got married at 18. Why? She was 18. I was so sorry. And was this in Rochester? Yeah. Yeah. Which means there's some rough looking Swinger's parties. Oh, yeah. This is in the back of a Buffalo Wild Wings. No, no, no. So we were a little bored, so we decided to kind of open it up. We really had one threesome together. Ooh. But most of this stuff was heard. Fuck another guy. It was with a chick. Yeah. All right. Had you find her? Craigslist. Oh. Right? Mama. That's old. I mean, you can't even do that anymore, can you? No. Didn't they shut that down? I think so. Yeah, because it was getting wild. Casually encounters is down. Damn. Damn. You know that. Getting-- so do you do like a submission process? You're reaching out or is it like booking for the show? On Craigslist? Yeah. People with posts. We're trying to get she with posts on Craigslist. Yeah. You can post on Craigslist and be like, we're looking for a third. And that's what you did. Yeah. Wow. And you look at photos and vet? Yeah. Oh, boy. So you were like, I'm on board. What do you think? Yeah. Basically. Wow. Damn. Who are these women just signing up for threesome's? I'm asking. Yeah. I would like to know. This is all right. The first reason we only did oral stuff. And then they have to-- How long does it last? I think she was there for like an hour. She came over. Wow. Do you pay her? No. Okay. So you guys are fooling around. Is it over when you finish or do they keep going at it? Well, with the swingers party, it was-- there was a lot of guys. So she kept going for a while. That's a bummer. Yeah. Because you're looking at that through clear eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You come and then you're like, oh, shit. She gets to keep going. Oh. So when you're at the arcade with a friend and you run out of tokens, he gets to keep playing. Right. Right. Now you just hit the joystick. But that's good. We've all done that. The Sims is a game. Oh. Maybe something happened. Yeah. But one of my favorite memories is just hearing the sound of Ask She's clapping from the other room and knowing the guy's railing my wife. X-wife. Can I give her the same kinesan story about him? He swapped, apparently, with a friend and he's fucking the guy's wife and he comes instantly and then just have to listen to his wife get railed for hours. Oh, god. Been there. I'm such an asshole. I bitch about my wife leaving her bra everywhere and then this is guys getting his ass clapped. That's great. So did you have any regrets after that or were you like, how long after the three-some proposal were you like, this isn't working? We kept looking for more people. I mean, we were both emotionally out of the relationship, I think. But you're such a normal, stand-up, normal guy. It's so weird that you had that your past. So she had a fetish that I was not into and so that kind of like opened the door because she wanted to do it and I was like, I don't want to do that. What's his? It's called CBT. A lot. CBT. It stands for cockball torture. Oh. Literally tying your balls up and hitting them with stuff. Oh my god. What the fuck? She wanted to do it to me. What is she an ISIS? We did do it once and I said I'm not interested in it. Oh my god. You did that? Get rid of that shit. Oh god. She wanted to go guantanamo and your nuts sack, Jesus. You know, right? How is that a fetish? That's like torture shit. What? I mean, it's a fetish. That's what some people are into that shit. Clearly. I see into it. Yeah, yeah. He's supposed to be into it. I need to be the one to be tied up. Yeah. That's like going, I like hitting a woman in the eye. I'm not a wife-beater. It's a fetish. You're right. It is torture. It's just a violent person. Yeah, I guess some women might be in abuse. Yes. But it is torture. That's torture. That's crazy. Damn. Oh, I like beating up kids. What? That's a fetish. The kid, some kids like it. It's crazy. That's not a fetish. That's crazy. Did you have anything that you were into that she wasn't or now? She was not in the facials. Yeah. All right. How could she not be? A facial seems so prudent after what we just saw, Jesus. I got to find a girl to give a facial to and she got to find a guy to beat up, so that was the name. All right. It was the layers that you just, like, joyfully come on a woman and then the other woman hear a guy like, "No!" Please! Fuck! Yeah. That's kind of good news. If she wants to have a threesome with a guy, you're like, "Come on over, buddy." You can get your balls ready to finish. Yeah, there were usually sex for them. It was usually just tying them up and hitting them for a while. Did you ever ask why she was into this? I did not. I mean, she had some daddy issues. You don't say. I do, too. I don't like getting fucking tortured. What? So, how far into the relationship did she reveal this fetish to you? Because that's probably a tough one for her to bring up. Yeah, sure. That was pretty early. Maybe a yearish in. Oh, wow. Yeah. I'm proud of you for doing it once. I mean, just the word ball torture, I'd be like, "I'm going to skip this." Actually, no. I think she brought it up very early because we were like texting and stuff first. That's one that should be a new dating profile. Yeah. I don't want to find that out in four weeks after I like you. Right. The way I found out about it, now I remember, is that she said, "Send me a picture of your dick with a q-tip inside it." Oh! And you did it? No. No, okay. My dick just shrunk inside my body. Bring up these pictures. She liked sounding? No, no, no. I don't want to see this shit. Sounding? Yeah. I don't want to ruin the surprise. Oh, no. I'm scared. Oh, no. Oh! It's putting things inside your retina. I don't want to say this. Oh! Oh! Wait, that's a chick! Oh! Oh! Oh! What are we doing? How's it going? Sounding? Hit it like a twin. And how does she bring it up? Was she at all embarrassed to bring it up? Or was she like, "This is just something I like." Oh! She was pretty open about it. Yeah. No, rather. All right. I love being into something insane and then just being like, "Honey, you know it would be fun." Yeah. If we stuck a gerbil up your ass.
- Yes. - And you're just like, hmm. - Oh. - I just think, yeah, what the fuck, dude? - It's sounding. - Were you freaked out by the parties at all? 'Cause I can only imagine going to a party like this, at one point, maybe you're excited or maybe nervous at first, but after you not, you've got to be like, what the fuck? 'Cause I feel like shame, just jerking off. - Right. - Just for like wasting time. - Say. - So I can't imagine like at a party, you know? - Yeah, definitely wasn't fun for hours. It wasn't hours of fun. - Damn. - So you just stay there for while she-- - Yeah, just chaperone so she didn't get murdered or something. - Oh man, were you drinking? - Yeah. - Oh, you got a drink. - But I was driving, too, so I didn't get drunk. - Oh. - This is fascinating. - This is wild. - Who knew? - I'm fascinated. - The quietest guy in here. - Yeah, you were like, to me, you're such a responsible, normal guy, but I guess you just never know. People, normal people have fetishisms. - Yeah. - You know? - Yeah. - John Reap, so quick question. (laughing) - We're not calling that one a fetish. - I mean, it's better than ball torture, baby. (laughing) - So, she, the first interaction is, can you send a picture of a Q-tip in your penis hole and then you're like, let's see each other more. - Well, it's very, very cute. - I guess so. - You're like, how women can get away with a lot? A guy sends you that shit. You're just like, what? - Right. 'Cause there was more of a safety issue with women. - Right, exactly. - But that is shocking to me. The Q-tip thing, that's like-- - On the packet of Q-tip, I said, don't put in your ear. I should keep going with that warning. - Does it say that? - Yeah. - Why? - 'Cause they just try not to get sued. Obviously, everyone's putting it in their ear, but it says, do not place inside of your ear. Pull it up. - Yeah. - You know what, Petco, on the gerbil tank, it says, don't put in your ass. - Everyone's doing it, but, you know. - Yeah. (laughing) - Four gear. - Four Richard gear. Never live it down. - You can't escape it. - No. - I need to get in that gerbil. (laughing) There you go. I'm not putting Q-tip inside your ear canal. - God, so is that, I mean, obviously, don't you do that every day? - Of course, all the time, didn't today. - But we shouldn't be doing it. - That's what they say. It's like-- - It hamps down the wax and makes it worse, more build up. - Yeah. - So I've heard people say, you go to a place to get it cleared out, do you do that? - I've heard that, but no, I'll do that. - You have never done it. - No, I've heard, you ever heard the candle? - Fuck, that shit. - I tried that once. - What? - It works. - What do you do? - You put an ear candle and you light it, the wax out. - Oh, fuck that. - So then when it gets about here, you turn it off. - Fuck that shit, no, I'm not doing that. - No. What was the craziest shit you saw at these Swingers parties? - Most of the people were like in their late 40s, like pretty older groups. - Anyone hot there, was it not a great looking bunch? - Yeah, there's some good people. - Oh, all right. - But that probably, it's probably like a chicken and open mic. Everyone goes where like, who are you? - You know what I mean, I got the Swingers things. I never had sex with anybody else except for her. - Why? - I didn't feel comfortable. I'm not like a hot commodity. - Sure, so it wasn't like-- - But you're tall? - Like this guy. - I got some offers, but they were kind of scary looking old ladies. - Oh, damn. - It's got to suck to be shot down of a Swingers club. (laughing) - It's not yours. It's like, no, clearly it's me. You're here. - Yeah, exactly. It's a sex club. I went to a sex club in Berlin, the women were unbelievably hot, but they met you at the door. It was like a nightclub. The women in Berlin are really hot. - Oh, mama. - And there's your tape. - Yo, yeah, that whole, you would have genocided me back in the day. So, what's fucking right? - Yeah, hell yeah. - This one's for grandpa. - Mark, did you have sex in the sex club? - I did, with the wife, yeah. - And what happened? - Well, two things. One, I look over. There's a guy who taps me on my shoulder and he goes, me next in Germany. (laughing) And I was like, we're good, buddy. I think it was Peters. - You know, you're doing that in public. You do deserve to get that. - And it's a sex club. He might have thought she was a hooker and we're passing it around, whatever. So I was like, "Ah, we're good." And my wife was like, "Huh?" 'Cause, you know, she's getting ploughed doggy, so she can't really, she's like, "What's going on back?" 'Cause she's gonna be like, "I'm good, man. "I'm good." She's like, "What do you order drinks?" What's going on back there? - You mightn't say, do you mind if I torture his balls? (laughing) - You're into that? - You chit-chatting. So then I was like, "All right, we got rid of that guy." 'Cause he was a language bearer, somebody. - Was he a good looking guy? - He wasn't bad. He wasn't bad. But I was like, "All right, buddy, keep moving." - Let's put it this way. I stayed hard. - Yeah, I did. I took a Bluetooth. I'm not gonna lie. - I've never taken a Viagra or Bluetooth. What do you get this stuff? - Podcast sponsor. - Can we get some? - They work like crazy, but I just figured, - What do they work for? They give you like a quick round, too? - Quick round, too. - That's what I need. - You're hard all night. - My reload time is just not what it used to be. - Same, same. - It's just not great anymore. - No, I need like an hour. - Yeah, no, same. - Sometimes like rejuvenate. - Oh man, it's fucking tough, man. I also like, you have a joke now about how it came quickly with a woman and you know, it's not charming when a guy my age does that. 'Cause when you're like 19, you can be like, "I'll be ready to go in five, but in my age, I'm like, that's the show. Thanks for coming out." - Yeah, that's what it is, man. I mean, it just ain't what it used to be. I think about like holy shit. If you're young, enjoy that shit. - Right. - 'Cause this ain't getting better for us either. - No, I'm more like a school shooter. I do one good load than I get arrested. - And then you shoot yourself in the head, and the kids are furious, but, okay. But yeah, so back in the wife. - I love the solo ups 'cause we just go fucking, we just go nuts. This girl's crying. (laughing) Cops, like we gotta get a co-ed. The school's like, we gotta get a cop in here to be a teacher, the teachers should have guns. So that was the first guy, he did the tap, and I couldn't get rid of 'em 'cause he didn't understand me 'cause I was English, and then I looked, I was like, I finally got rid of that guy, and I looked to my left, and a guy says, we're cranking it, staring at us. - Yeah, big ball, dude. - Damn. - But they could be wanting to fuck you. - Maybe, maybe, but I'd like rotate away from that guy, so the poor wife's gettin' right. - You're fuckin' your wife in public, like, do you mind? (laughing) - Yeah, I'm tryin' to have a moment here. - And what was your subway joke about it, guys? - I told it last week with Jerry, I mean. - Oh, really? - Yeah, yeah, but we were talking about, when a punch line just hits you, 'cause it's a gift, as opposed to chiseling away, but sometimes the line just hits you, and you're just on the subway, not listening to music, and you're like, a gift, you know? - Yeah. - I heard Tom Wates once say something along the lines of he, like, he hates when he's hit with inspiration, like, can't you see I'm driving right now, God? - Oh, yeah. - Like, I can't get to a pen. - Right, right. - But, no, when it hits you at the right time, you're like, oh, that's fuckin' cool. I love that. - Do you ever have the thing where a joke hits you? It's like a lightning bolt where you're like, oh my god, this is gonna work, this is gonna hit. Then you start thinking, how did I, what did I do differently today that a joke hit me? Then you start kind of like, trying to predict it, you know? - But yeah, I mean, Jerry said a lot of this, like, a lot of it's like taking care of, like, when he said, like, this is your grand piano, taking care of yourself a little bit, but also I think, like, sometimes I just go on adventures and do dumb shit, and then I get a gift. - Yeah. - I was like, fucking drunk the other night, and I got hit with a bunch of joke ideas. - Oh, it's shit. You gotta let go a little, I think. Let your brain just kind of wander, and that's when stuff hits me. - Exactly, I think when you're pushing it too hard, it's like, well, that's not how I am. - Yeah, you're pushing it. - That's not how I am on stage. I'm like, that's like a desperate thing. - Right. - Like, what did Jerry write to you after about, like, how we weren't needy? - Yeah, what does that mean? - Well, I think needy is like, you're trying to pull, you're, it's a desperation thing. - Yes, yes. - And when you're desperate, it's like being starving. You're not as, you need to be nourished, I think. You're more chill when you don't need it as much. - That's true, ain't that the truth? - So I don't know, I think, but I think doing different things too, like, like you talk about a routine, like what I do differently. I think it's the opposite. You gotta keep mixing it up. - That's true. - Because we don't write the way a guy like Colin Quinn writes where he's like, I'm doing the constitution. We're just like, I need an idea. - I need an idea. - But then you write off those ideas. Like, were you just saying with the peeve? That's how you, I think you write. You have an idea and then you build off that idea. - Yes, that's exactly what I do. - Yeah. - But yeah, you gotta, you gotta be free-flowing. I was doing it because I, New York can wear on you. You know, the noises, the people. So I just go podcast, right when I leave a building. Just so I can like escape a little. - Yeah. - And I stop doing that and I definitely got more ideas. - I agree with you. Sometimes I'll listen to music or something and then I change jazz and it's better. If there's no lyrics, I can still come up with shit. But sometimes just know music's good. You're like, I know this song and it's a jazz song that there's lyrical versions of it. - Right. - So I know the words and I'll be humming them like, "No, you gotta not do that." - Yeah, yeah, just tune out. - Eric Paul McCartney say something about inspiration. He was saying sort of like, "It's in antenna." And that's good. - Depending on where you are, you tune something and you're like, "Oh, I caught that one." And then you're in that inspiration, and you write it down or whatever. - But that's what I'm saying. You're always like, "Oh, the antenna, how did I get that one?" Where's the antenna now? - It's just tuning in. - It's just tuning, yeah. You can't really find it. - Yeah. - It's just got sex wife wanting to jam that antenna in his people. - Oh my God. - That sounds good. Yeah, sounding bored. He said something once. - Oh shit, I lost it. - My brain, I'm on so much cough medicine. My brain is free. - Oh, are you feeling rough? - Well, I feel fine. It's just, I'm trying to kill the mucus. It's like, "All right here." - Dude, you know, honestly, mucinex is just pound water like a motherfucker. - Yeah. - 'Cause that's what I was doing all year up. I was sick so much a year up, and I was just like literally just pounding water, going to the bathroom, blah, that yellow flam just keeps coming out. - Whoa. - 'Cause it's an expectorant, right? So it pops it out. - Whoa. I've never had that. - Oh, dude.
And you know, I'm also not getting better because I'm pounding booze every night because I'm in Europe. I want to I want to live it up Yeah, I'll deal with the sick later, but yeah, no, I everyone's fighting some shit off right now. There's New York in the winter, man Yeah, it's bad Hold on you said something that's good. We're getting old man. Oh, it's the booze the music. Yeah, this is not good Well, like why can't we write more like oh, yeah, we can't remember I can't ever shoot three minutes ago I blame the phone too. I've started to cut back on the phone that that feels good. Apparently Unisom is bad for recall. What's that? It's basically Benadryl people take it to sleep, but you just told me that yes Benadryl's bad. I take it all the time because I'm like what do I want to lose my memory But I can't be healthy for memory if you're sleeping for hours I don't know what to do. I heard it's bad for your memory on the back end of your life. Oh That's how they get you. That's what I've heard. Yeah. Anyway, I have a wreck head is with the wreck. The wreck is Constructing Harry. It's a good one solid Woody Allen time. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I like it man That Elizabeth shoe one fine piece of ace. Yeah great cast. He is gorgeous. Yeah, it's a lot Billy Crystal is great And it yes, that's a fun one. It's like the only Woody Allen movie I can recall where he's cursing I love that too. Yeah, he's like someone's like talking to his ex-wife and he's like, but your ex-wife said that and he's like well She's a cut. Yeah Yeah, I was I think was probably an angry time in his life. I was post-scandal. No, it was in early 90s, I think oh really? I think it was I think it was 92. Oh, then you're right. So it's post-scandal. So I think it's probably angry. Yeah, yeah great Robin Williams. Curstie Alley's great. Oh 97. Wow, Julie Louis Dreyfus in it. That was that was kind of a hot scene I was telling him to see where she's about to blow the guy. Oh Sam Waters old guy, too You know, it's all Woody Allen his ideas like we're just getting like a hot young actress to blow an old guy See if you can pull that scene up up kind of a treat by that. You got it boss. That was Stanley Tucci. It's a it's a hot It's an underrated one. Yeah, we definitely like I feel like people were taking him for granted this time too because you just put out so many Yeah, there's that That's not the scene we were talking about. Yeah Let's get Julie Louis Dreyfus getting fucked. He's like how about how about Stanley Tucci sucking on sauce? Yeah Was it to be more? Yeah to me more than a two. Oh, by the way, she might be hotter now. Have you seen her now? It's insane unbelievable It's insane. I always thought she was like a pretty lady, but now she's hot pretty lady. That's a I've never heard someone pretty lady. You just got me to me more is a pretty lady. She's in strip tease, dude That's true. She was like that was like the epitome of hot. Yeah, that was That's not saying what I was way off About the fruit you gotta go to the cactus. Here we go. Look at I just like I'll whip it out Wow Damn holy shit. I mean this is Elaine Venice in her streak, too. Yeah Wow, oh Man, this is crazy. It's cool to see an old guy do this That's not Sam watershine either. No, I was way off That's like Eugene Levy type. I don't know if it is. That's funny to be like I finally got it by Woody Allen movie What do you want me to do suck off this old guy in a bedroom? Yeah, I mean for first off she's still hot, too Still hot but yeah, this is pretty crazy. I remember seeing this. I was in shock. Me too Man blind women until dark. Is she blind? Yeah, yeah Oh That's fun That's one of the women that tried to fuck Peter's at those parties You ever done when I first met the wife she took me home for Thanksgiving and I was like, I don't want to go to you Thanksgiving is too weird. She's like, oh bag of fun. I'll be great And we ended up banging her childhood bedroom like wow right before the dinner holy shit I don't know if I should put say that but yeah, it's fine They'll be okay with it it was that's crazy, dude crazy. Yeah, just bang right up stairs went right down and head turkey holy shit That is pretty hot she got stuffed God will gobble Yeah, I gotta I gotta do a relationship again at some point. It's getting sad to be my age and all my friends of families and I'm sending women Subtex at 9 p.m. On a Wednesday Maybe figure it out at some point. Well the holidays hits you when you're single then you're like, oh, what am I doing in the winter? You're just like yeah, it's like being sick. We were like there should be someone to take care of me right yeah, and then but summer single This is the best I've always said you know, I love being single Tuesday through Saturday Sunday and Monday not the best single days Right these are good like watch movie days watch a movie make a dinner. Yeah, that's true Well, Alexander had that great bit. He's like I'm 40. I'm single. I have no kids. I did it I made it through the maze and then he goes I get a little lonely at night and after that. It's great. Yeah, yeah loneliness He says the struggle between loneliness and euphoria yeah loneliness right before you go to bed at night Euphoria the whole fucking rest of the time Yeah, so so well said, but then of course I got very nice kids Yeah, and he did it later. He did it later. Yeah, but how many how many comics bill burrs I felt me we're like kids are stupid marriage is crazy what a concept retarded and then we all did it. Yeah, no I probably have to do it at some point you don't have to do anything Don't listen to these traditional. You want one last single friend to live I care ishely through that's true That's what it is because Peter does the same thing yeah, he shows me pictures of his kids and he's like all right Let me see some pictures of some dates At the same age. Yeah, yeah, they're gonna do young with my pickup line on day naps is what's your favorite color? Can I buy an apple juice? Caprice son, I never heard that Louie bit where he's like people complain about things have to do all the time And he's like, I have to go to the bank today. He's like you can always kill yourself. You don't have to do anything True that's good. That's good point. Oh There it is. Did you make that? That was quick. Holy shit. Is that me or Norman? I Think it's got to be Norman, right? I think because he does me. I don't know why there's two Santino's though Yeah, there should be an atom. Yeah, that's definitely Norma actually. I don't know, but that's that's well done Spider-man me cartoon for me look kind of alike. Yeah, it's true the hair of the five o'clock. Yeah There you go. Well, yeah Bad friends was fun then then we did the arena and those two guys jumped on the ground Wild so they they were they just happened to be in Phoenix having to be in Phoenix and Shane of course like I guess you guys have to come on the show and Boy that crowd was electric. I mean they got a fucking night. Oh, yeah, you Santino Bobby McCusker me Santino Bobby what a night, and I'd never seen Bobby do a set in my life. Have you? Yeah, yeah, I've never seen I was on Birch's tour with Bobby and Yeah, it was it was such a bummer because Bobby and I had so much fun the first night And then that night he fell off top bunk on the ball I heard his face up and had to leave the tour. He looked rough. Yeah, I mean it was like and I was before the picture That they look like Peter's dick No, there was it was it was bad Yeah, I have a theory that he almost did that on purpose just to get out of the tour because I know he hates touring He was so sad all right, but yeah, I know what you mean those guys who like are just so he's just so comfortable in LA I know he doesn't want to leave Scott that house. He doesn't want to but shout out to Bobby. He's doing a special in January He must be shaken to now he's terrified Pardon me is if you don't have to do it. I mean, although I was one of the guys bullying him every time I do his pod I'd be like when are you doing it? Yeah, I finally got out of him. He's doing it in I think Denver or the Paramount Oh, it was Santino did it too. Oh, or maybe you didn't do the Paramount, but he definitely did Denver I might be wrong about that, but he's doing it in January. He's got the date the theaters locked out. Wow It's happening, but he won't give it. He's like Jay Jay Renno These people who are so it's a very old school. It's very old school to be that protective over your act. Yeah, and he's just lazy He doesn't want to write a new act. No, it's not the same as Leno Leno's like I'm not giving this up and Bobby You're right. He does just doesn't want to yeah, and he's Bob. I mean hilarious. He's so funny He'll write but this might be the best thing ever for him if he really just take some else. Yeah, and does some Do some do the belly room, dude. Yeah, the belly room and just fucking work it out Well, he killed the arena, so he's hilarious hilarious. Yeah, I was like do you still whip out the dick? Because I know that was his closer and he's like now I've been writing so now it's the butthole So he pulls his asshole out I love it. I love that he's in a coffee shop like I'm going to flip it around this He saw homeless guys like that's it I got my act Where's the diddy doc who knows but either way Shit man had did they get to the freak off stuff because I haven't got that. Oh yeah, okay I'm gonna be hilarious if they didn't touch on that. That's true It's just like this guy's a piece of shit and that you're not even gonna. No, they get there man great and It's fucking I mean one of the kids was involved in it. It's it's imagine doing that shit with your dad My dad never even played catch with me. No. No, it's crazy. Wait. Wait. What'd it mean dad?
Did he and his kid were doing the freak-offs together? - I didn't know that. - Yeah. - Holy moly. - And fucking saying. - What are you doing? - Fitty said, the ultimate troll. He is, 'cause number one, he's got to feel good. He hates this guy, and it went to number one. - Yeah, it's also just the topic too, is just everyone wants to see. I mean, for someone who, you forget how much he was just culturally so significant for so long, he was just everywhere. I remember when he was, you know, he had a big A campaign voter die. - Oh, yeah. - And these women, you know, he also, dude, he went great quickly too, that's another one. That guy went fucking great, like faster than Obama. You know, that was crazy. - Right. - And he had the other thing, the Sean John thing, like this. - That was big. - And all these women are talking about it, like that's the guy you fucking assaulted me. I have to look at this billboard in Times Square. Can you imagine that you're in a cab? You're like, can you take six to the avenue instead? (laughing) So I don't have to see this shit? - Yeah, and then they're making the band stuff, like everybody loved him. He was huge. - He was just, and dude, he's, it's like, of course, if you're abusing your power in every light, of course you're gonna, he's like kicking that woman out of the, I think it was the girl you went to high school if he kicked her out of the band. - Yeah. - 'Cause he's like, you're just, you're not doing what I say here, but it's like she didn't want to fucking. - Right, right, yeah. We'd love to have you on, Dawn. (laughing) She was a cheerleader at Delicell. Crazy. Didn't I ever tell you my Diddy story? - No. - This is wild. So, 2006 or so. - He used to carry the baby oil. (laughing) - I was at a flea market, like I do. And I saw like a whole bunch of like bad boy entertainment stuff laid out on somebody's table. Like, somewhere else got, didn't get paid for and just all their stuff. I was like, Rolladex's, chairs, office furniture, and a small box inside was 11 mini DV tapes. And I opened it up and it said like, Family Values Tour 2000, that was Diddy's Tour in 2000. So I was like, okay. - So he's aware of the irony. He knows what he's calling it the Family Values Tour. - Yeah. - No, I guess so. - So I bought them and I looked at them in 2006. I just watched them all and it was like, Diddy making a doc on himself similar to what we saw in the documentary, but this was in 2000. - Ooh, shit. - But there was nothing like super salacious on it when I watched it in 2006. And so I was like, well, there's nothing, but I kept it 'cause I had a collector and then the trial came around and I was like, oh, I bet someone would be interested in these today. And I couldn't really watch them again because I didn't have the same thing. So I just put it up on eBay for-- - And you got it? - I, no takers. So I dropped diamond myself to the table. So I called to sent them a link from a burner account and said, hey, someone's selling secret puff daddy tapes. I got to call an hour later. They're like, we want to buy this and they bought it. They said, we'll call you tomorrow. They're like, how much you want for it? I was like, they're like, we'll call you tomorrow. So they called me tomorrow the next day. And they're like, all right, we liked it. We want to give you for it. - Oh. - I was like, that's a lot of money, but I got to tell you this other people interested now. - Ah. - I can't sell to you for f--k. - They're not even t--k anymore, they're like, look at you. - Yeah, they're like, well, what is it? - Shuckin' and driving. - There's no other interested parties. - I figured. - You're slippery of them, diddy. - So they're like, we'll call you back. So I put the phone down, I was like, great. So I'm putting the phone back. Go fuck yourself. - As I'm putting the phone down, being like, oh, I got to text Mark about this, the phone rings. We're gonna give you f--k, but you can't negotiate with the other parties anymore. - Ah. - So. - Oh. - Well played. - These guys are f--kin' idiots. - Well played, and they never used any of it. - I don't know, it's not in the doc so far. - You're just adding stuff, you have a video camera up your butt hole. - You're like, diddy stuff. - Oh, f--k, you're rapin' me, man. - The guy's like, is that a Bobby, leave it? (laughing) - Well, that is wild. - K. - For $15, so there's f--k. - We're going to a flea market. - Yeah. - Well played. - Well played, dude. - Yeah. - Well f--k, let's plug some dates. - Let's go out on the ditty note. - Yeah. - You're going crazy, Mark. I hope we are filming a movie and you have to cancel some of these, but-- - Everybody's aware. - Everyone's aware. Mumbo jumbo. - That's the new tour. - Seven, twenty, twenty, twenty, uh, one second. - There we go. - Hey. - Oh. - Right there. - Good morning. - Oh, that's a bitch of a flight. Going to Des Moines for the funny bone. We're got some new material. Then we're going to Bray at California. Love that club, love that room. Orange County, baby. Grand Rod in Oregon. At the Spirit Mountain Casino. New Brunswick Stress Factory. Going back to Jersey. We'd love to have you San Antonio at the LOL. Whoo, wait, remember all these rooms? - I love 'em. - Tulsa, Oklahoma. Never been there in my life. - We're gonna get the dayga cat in all these rooms, yeah. - That's true. That is a good call. Then I'm at the desert diamond in Arizona. That's the hell of a Casino. - It bounces. - Sawa harita. Sawa harita. Indianapolis. And Buffalo, New York. We'd love to see you there. Come on by a new hour. We're working it out. Quake it up. Let's open it up. - On top of that live slash Mark Norman slash ticket. So just go to Mark's site there. We got here. Yeah, what am I adding here? Yeah, Omaha January 8th through 10th. The funny bone, love that one. We got Washington DC. We're one of the DC improv. - That's a great one. - I never played it in January the 16th or the 18th. I'm going to fucking tin-y ass. Zany's comedy club downtown. - Wow. - I just did the theater and I'm pumped to come back. February 5th through 7th, maybe I'll add a night. Who the hell knows? I love Chicago, so I wouldn't mind it. But Chicago and Feb, that's going to be DC. We got Stanford, Connecticut. February 12th through 14th. And then I might add a date weekend before that. But yeah, Tampa Theater almost sold out, man. Two shows for the special February 27th. I'm considering adding a third the night before. - Add a third. - Both almost sold out. So get on those fucking tickets. - Hell yeah. Very exciting film in there, so. - That's a great room. - Love Tampa. It is a beautiful room, man. - Great theater, killer, killer town. - And it's like, I like theaters where they feel close to you. - Yes, yes, love it. Love it. It's cool to do the club for years and then go up and do the theater. - And BT still messages me from the club. I love side splitters and I'll definitely go back at some point. - Hell yeah. - You know, gotta go to those clubs too, man. Stay tight. - Get somebody to go. - The clubs, man. You really-- - Tiny, you need 'em. - So you really, there's so much easier than the theaters. - To work out? - Yeah, because you're just not just to work out, but to even do your A-Shit sometimes. - Right. - Because you're just, you get into a rhythm that's on like a-- - Yes, yes, yes. - We still, like our hearts club comics. Our rhythm is like clubby. - When you're rolling at a club that rolling laughter, it's the best feeling in the world. - Get a ball of bodega. You hope you have a very happy Hanukkah and-- - At Kwanza and-- - And Christmas, the big dog. - Oh, yeah. - We love you guys,
[email protected]. And hey, we're in at so many, all these new spots in Chicago or serve bodega. I was drinking bodega at the strip house in New York the other night. - Hell yeah. - I was drinking at Lortuzzi the other night. - Oh, my God, the hot spots. - You gotta come through with me, dude. - I'll bump down. Let's get a drink. - I got a paper plane there, dude. It was killer. And I got the manager on the paper planes. And he's like, this is fantastic with bodega can. I said, hell yeah, it is. So we'll keep rockin'. - We love you guys and keep listening to folks. - Happy hall. Suck it, Rizzler. - No. ♪ Sunday's the day for my next spender ♪ ♪ I've been a peaver wreck, you know the future's close ♪ ♪ I've had a little too much purpose ♪ ♪ And Norman's talkin' shit about the fuckin' post ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ Up on the roof like a cop's comin' ♪ ♪ And they could send you well as feelin' dangerous ♪ ♪ I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't look like I remember ♪ ♪ And I get down in the same way ♪ ♪ We might be true ♪
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