Ep 263: JP McDade - Rachel Feinstein - Scott Rogowsky : Holi-daze with Mark Normand and Sam Morril

(upbeat music) - Hey, happy holidays! - This is, oh, look at, we're rolling around here. This is a good time of year, man. - Look at this. I feel like Clark Griswold here. And we got a Santa, menorah. - Quanza? Like every other building in New York, 99% Christmas, and then we stuck a little fucking menorah. - Yeah, we got it. - But Hanukkah's over. - Labia, Majora, and menorah, right here. Maddie, everything. - Maddie, we got a bartender for this episode. - Yes, where'd they find you? - The internet. - Ah, only fans. Oh, Craigslist, tell you. - Craigslist. - Was that around your swinging time, Peters? - She come with a cock ring. (laughing) - You're gonna put an inquiry for feed-picks. - Oh my god. - No, that would be hilarious if Matt was doing dirty shit. He was like, you can come on, but you gotta show us your pussy, and we're like, Matt, Jesus. - Oh, man, holy hell. - I was being said, lunge ray is my costume. - Whoa, is that what you put? - Oh, here, your dog. - Peter's apparently you're a casting couch rapist. - He's entering a G-string. - A CCR. - I don't know what it came with. - Oh, it came with, okay. - Oh, good, all right. - All right, then do. - He's still picked it. - We came with it, too. (laughing) - Right out of the box. (laughing) Okay. - Oh, wow, Maddie, good to have you. - Good to be here. - Are you a Christian lady? - My parents never really forced any religion on me, so. - Wow, so progressive. - They've been very much like you can do what you want. - Well, what do they celebrate? - Christmas. - Oh, yeah, so you did Christmas. - We did Christmas, but there was never like a church. - Sure, same here. My parents forced something else on me. But yeah, we had a good time. - Oh, well yeah, you'll be whipping up some libations, some adult Christmas. - What are we doing here? - I was thinking of old-fashioned. - Wow. - Another one of that. - What's it, what's it, what's it? - Just a smjinger powder that I just got from Zanzibar. - Whoa, I love it. - Zanzibar. - I also have lactate eggnog, if anyone is feeling. - I'll do some eggnog as well. I'm just an eggnog fanatic. I put it in my coffee, starting December 1st. - I like a little eggnog. I can't think of it without the classic David Telejoke. Elfcom. - Elfcom. - Elfcom. - Maybe. - Can you call this cocktail to come teeny if you can. - Ooh. - Ooh. - All right. - It actually calls me when I come. (laughs) - Come teeny. (laughs) - Good. - I'm excited. Yeah, this is a good time of year. You just, I want to hear about this show. You flew out like a psycho for one night. - Yeah. - You went to, so I almost did a West Coast trip too. For one night, for the next in season tournament. I bought the plane ticket and then my friend's ticket fell through and I was like, I was feeling kind of sick. So I was like, let me just fucking. - Did you get a refund? - Yeah, of course. - Yeah, of course. - Woo. - Oh yeah. - I'm like, so what do you want to LA for? - I'm such a cunt 'cause Adam Ray goes do my show and I go, ah, it's in the middle of it's Tuesday and it's a cross country flight. He goes, I'll fly you Delta one. I said I'm there. - Yeah, but he would have done that any day, probably. - I know. - He's generous. - He's very generous. Although sometimes I'm like, just give me a middle seat and I'll take the pay. - No, shut up. You don't want to be going in there furious. - That's true. - You got to look forward to the flight. - Well, I got bad news, Fettie. I flew out there, everything was great. Delta one's amazing, you're on entrance. It's amazing. - Yes, at the big airports you do. - Yeah. - It's pretty cool. - JFK, your own entrance. You walk, do you feel like catch me if you can? - Yeah. - Oh, and how about that lounge? - And the lounge. - They're bringing out fucking sushi. - Sushi, salmon, drink, salt. - Happy endings, galore. - Yeah. - It was a guy, but still they thought the counts. - Yes, yeah, I had to come teeny. It was great. And did the flight, flight was good. Get the lay down, amazing. You don't want the flight to end. - I guess that he's after any movies on there. - What did I watch? I watched The Darkest Hour. - Oh, I heard it's good. - It's pretty good. It's about a Churchill. - Churchill. - Churchill, I love. - Yeah. - And Gary Olman killed it. - He's good. - Very good. So I landed L.A., I go to the hotel. I shower, I go straight to the will turn. - Where did he put you up? - Hotel Figaro. - How was that? - Very nice, very nice. Downtown L.A., but nice. - Yeah, that's how they get you. That we stayed downtown for that Netflix thing, I was like, you walk out, you're like, man, this is a nice hotel. You walk 10 feet, you're like, think of the hotel. That's what we'll stay here. - Yeah. - That was dicey as fuck. - Skid Row all day long, tense, fentanyl. - Skid marks when I walked out. Jesus Christ. - Yeah, there you go Maddie, shake it up. - Yes, they love it. Michael J. Fox, so go to the will turn. Guess who's in the, I get there, the green room's a buzz, there's food, there's a bartender. - The will turn is gorgeous. - Gorgeous old classic L.A. theater. - Yeah. - So I'm already in my head, like, ah, I flew here, I better kill it, you know, it's a sold out theater. It's the last one, here we go. I'm a little nervous. - He's retiring, Dr. Phil. - That's it, it's over. I just showed up to make sure it was dead. That's really why I went. Enough's enough already. And I get to the green room, cut in my head. I want to do well, it's all off the cuff, you know, you can't do anything. - It's tough. - It's a tough show. I don't want it and Phoenix, I had fun, but I got fucking, I got wrecked that night. All I remember is Adam Corolla putting me in a headlock. He was so drunk. I think I was, I was, I was, I was taking the hug his father should have gotten. And I was like, oh fuck, but we had fun. We had fun getting lit up. - He's a strong guy, Adam Corolla. - Oh yeah. - He's like a football player. - Yeah, there's a lot of rage there too. - Oh yeah, but he was fun to get drunk with. - Yeah, he can pick and put them back that, uh, that curl. - Yes. - And I just, and I look like his illegitimate son. So it looked even weird, it looked like he was like, - It's like his head in your arm. - I'm sorry, son. - Yeah. - Yeah. A lot of Brillo going on over there. - Oh my God. Two eyebrows total. (laughs) What, so who's there? - So it's, I don't know if I can give it away, 'cause they come out like a month in a year. These things. - Just say it. - All right, fine. It wasn't, it was just like a who's who of his, he's favorite guest, it was me, Harlan Williams, uh, Erkel, and the Big Three, and Santino. - Nice. - Bobby Bale, and, uh, somebody else. So, you know, we're all hanging out in the green room. Oh my God, look at that. - What is this? - This is the eggnog. - Ooh, the Cometini. - Oh. - Eggnog. - Awesome, good. - Well, it's nice and cold too. - Ooh, that's a great glass. Thank you, man. - Hope you like it. - Oh my God. - Wow. - That is too good, this is too good. - What are women complaining about swallowing? (laughing) - This is fucking incredible. - This is not gonna hurt your stomach. - You got that right, lactate. - Yeah. - That feels anti-static. - I drink whole milk, you don't drink whole milk. - I do, but I figured, you know, 'cause I'm a Jew. - Yeah, the gods are going on down there, I guess. - There was a sea of fire, we can handle it. (laughing) So, who's the big name? - I guess there was a one. - What? - You said there was someone big in the crowd. - Oh, in the green room, in the crowd. Oh, sorry, excitement on stage. - Yeah. - So I'm already nervous, and then guess who's in the room. Take a wild guess, big celebrity. - Mike Tyson. - Give me a-- - I'm talking current, like current hot celebrities. - Oh, Brad Pitt. - No, but that type of celebrity? - Yeah, maybe more pop culturey. - Damn, I don't know. - Oh, Timothy Shalamy from Matt Peterson. - No, but-- - Glenn Powell. - No, no. - Glenn Close? - Somebody, I'd be nervous around. I see Glenn Powell go, eh, look at that hunk. - Yeah, so like a guy or girl? Girl. Oh, okay, we were way off. - Bonnie Blue. - How are you gonna go in there? - Pretty carpenter. - No, no, no. - Oh, fuck. - Biggest, maybe one of the most famous ladies on the planet. No, actress, not a singer. You guys keep going singer. - Give me an age range. - I'll say 25 to 35. - There it is. - There it is. - Cindy Sweeney, the SS. These in the crowd, tits and all, titler, that's what I call her. - Come to me. - Cindy Sweeney for a Cometini, I'll say it. - Yeah. - She's all right, that one. - So you're just like, oh, I, you know, 'cause you already did. - Was she there with the boyfriend or that? - Yeah, what's the name? Puppy Dupy. What's that guy's name? - Mark, Mark, nagging him in front of her. - What's your name again? - Dipshid. - Scooby-Doo, something like that. - Skipper. - Skipper. - Scooter bra. - Scooter bra. - We got it. - It's Jewish, he's got to be Jewish. - Drawing's got to be Jewish. - He's got to be Jewish. - Yeah. - How about that? - He's drinking the lactate egg now. I'll say that much. - Yeah. Well, he's got two iron domes at home. - Yeah. - Because, holy moly, she's just right there. Like, right where Maddie is. - Did you have a moment with her? - No. I got a restraining order, but no, I didn't want to go near 'cause everybody's bothering her, everybody's all over her. By the way, do you see the Zion text? - Is that real? - I hope that's real. - That's real. - I fucking hope so. It was all made up, the Zion Williamson text. - She must get those five times a day. - Yeah, but I don't think she's a type that would post them. - Yeah. - Oh, it wasn't Sweeney. It was Sidney Thomas, sorry. - Oh. - It was also a Sidney Sweeney one, though. - Oh, okay. - There was another one, yeah. - That's a different lady. - Yeah, but he commented on hers. This was, I saw this pose. It was a DM. - Got it. - Which, like, I don't think, it's one thing to sleep, let's see, zoom in on this. - This is gold. - That's Chinese. Dojo kit. - You're not a, you're not finding this. Come on, you got this. - A little bit. - Hold on. - All right. - No, it's a DM. You had it. - Oh boy. - But they're like TikToks. - Yeah, but you can't zoom in on that. - I click it and it goes to Dojo again. - Mm-hmm. - Oh wait, there it is. - There it is. - Who's this man get him out of my DM? It's Zion with two heart face emojis. Hey, do you play Roblox? What, I don't know what that is. The Kevin Spacey wrote it's a kid's video game is it yeah, yeah, yeah, no, why you asking? Laughing my ass off Is that supposed to be I don't know yeah misspelled it what why I asked that I'm just trying to fuck lol. I'm good rats This is not real. I love rats He turned into Joe Mackie there But this one's gotta be nice maybe an NBA player. You got to do all this smoozing rig a morole. Let's get dinner He's just like I wanted to fuck. Yeah, I've heard from the there's a famous Hall of Famer who would say he just would slide the women's DMs with two eye emojis like And it would work of course. Yeah, but it didn't work here, but this isn't real and she's he's taken for So who supposedly posted this Zion or her Sydney Sweeney posted this is this can't be real. I mean that's easily If this was if this was real, it would be like real news. Hmm true, but you're a lady that wouldn't work with you trying to fuck God no see that's what sucks about women Well, it's just because that's all we want to do, but we have to package it with all this other stuff I'm just looking for someone to play roblox with That would be pretty cool for me. The honesty is admirable. Okay. Have you slid in the DMs? Yeah, of course same same What do you think this is? Have you ever what's the highest you've aimed? Oh, never that high. It's really it's yeah I don't fear that they'll post it. No, no, I just said I just I know my Hotness level I'm going Melissa McCartes. He's a isn't a handsome guy. No, I'm going to Susan Boyle. I go. I go low Susan Boyle posts. Wow, who the fuck is this guy? I just try to Want to eat your pussy, please come on. You could sing while you go. What right Rance? That's my apartment, but yeah, dude. I mean So yeah, I was like oh Cuz now I know she's in the crowd so I went to like high school of me of like she's hot I'm not she's cool. I'm a nerd. She's sexy. I'm gay. I just couldn't I mean, I probably would fucking shrink. I mean Jesus Christ. I know it's insane and then in person It's one of those things where you know people go how'd she look in real life the same. Yeah, exactly the same She's a little hot tiny lady, but yeah, that's a way man crazy. Just right there. We got Barney Greengrass They have a big fake tits in the front row. That was a real. Are they real? Oh, yeah That's part of the appeal. Yeah, yeah, it's like a Jessica rabbit thing totally. I get it totally she is hot Yeah, not a hot take. Yeah Like I said she looks she is how I'll give it to it. I know she was waiting for me to give it up Yeah, and then you start thinking well, has she heard all the jokes I've made about her and then I'm like No one's heard them. Okay, great. I mean won't be no one who we've shit on has heard I mean, I hope space he hasn't heard cuz then we're never getting them on this podcast That's true the way they did a Superman reference on signfold once a week. We get a spacey out there every week True, yeah, we need a new peto. Yeah, who's out there? Yeah, we need someone to step it up. Yeah He did he is he a peto. Yeah, he was I mean It was not consensual. I don't know if it was if he was a pito because Epstein works, but it's girls only That's the problem. Yeah, spacey you get the boys in there. Yeah need an all-inclusive peto for sure Inclusive peto Who's an exclusive it was a fogal? He was a peto. Yeah, but it's an old reference. It's an old reference. I believe it's a word pet or asked which means boys and girls Oh, yeah, I remember that one from Lebowski. Oh, that's right. Yeah, Walter. He's a pet or ass. Yeah, pet or ass kisser It is funny that they have like like just for the English language. We have such specific words Yeah, like he's a pito. I'm a pet or asked. Okay. I don't discriminate Right most have 90 words for snow. We have like 45 words for petos. Yeah, I mean words. We have a vagina. Oh, man go Clam, cooters, snatch. Cooch. Cooch. Honey pot. Fetch it wound. Veg Prenani Oh, good one. Old man of the boat Patch it wound beef curtains. It's whatever is important to your culture. Yeah, more words for it Okay, by the way, we got a fucking do it a toast for a rob Reiner man. Oh my god What the fuck horrible? I hate I mean This is a drinking pot. We got a pouring out for rob Reiner fucking legend. What the hell and one of the great? I mean what a run he had I mean let me let me go through this spinal tap the first mockumentary ever made and it was hilarious So funny. Wow. How crazy is that that they dated they were married. They were married That's wow color Sun and Gary Marshall's daughter. That's quite a little nepotge is yeah Okay, so we got spinal tap stand by me princess bride misery misery a few good men Fuck we're missing one. That's a horror genre a drama a comedy When Harry mit Sally. Thank you. That's the other big one. That's a rom com all the all the genres Yeah, now he was fucking great. Mm-hmm. You take for granted his greatness. Yes 100% yeah, he was great. His sons account fuck you and did get some help kill someone Kill someone else don't kill you dead. It had been into his vibes without the molesting. Yeah, at least let get a molestin Like that was his last thought right before I should have gone one. No No, I mean dude, it's fucking it's it's like a tragedy of like I mean, I've never I can't think of one I know look at this run I know you just said this but I'm really just looking at spinal tap then something called the short thing stand by me princess bride Harry mit Sally misery a few good men. We literally just said that dude. Oh Wasn't bad either Dude now he was incredible. Mm-hmm fucking one of all in the family dude and good meathead He's incredible and his dad's incredible - carriders so funny. I want to both seem like lovely people. Yeah, yeah, totally Cool dude like no one who had any who worked with him had anything but amazing things to say about him well Trump at a nice tweet. I thought What oh, his wife took that photo. Yeah, Michelle Yeah, holy shit. That is wild What a fucking weird photo. I know it's a central park. I guess. Yeah Schwartz Tony Schwartz. Well, there you go. I heard that's a good book actually Jesus Christ. Yeah, also the world feels dark man. I mean, it was the rough week the Bondi Beach the brown shooting the Rob Reiner It's a bad week for Jews It is true. He's right horrible, but we always have a he's got a target on his back Jews of a target on back front nose and tits Looks happening. I'm just saying they don't get enough credit credit. It's not the word. They don't get enough Pity or what's the word? Impathy empathy. Thank you. You go. Hey, Jews are having a tough going everybody rolls their eyes And you're like, I love I just love that there's a shooting marks like you guys don't get enough credit It was the wrong word. Yeah, JP our first guest. Oh, I love their shirt to sit in here, buddy. Yeah, right here Hey, that is a nice shirt. Yeah, man. You want a teeny? JP doesn't drink anymore. Yeah, really? Crazy rock bottom or what go grab the mic and make a mean mocktail if you want one Oh, a mocktail will be love. I am a fun mom Slip a little bit. We can do some energy to lock. So let's give our guest a proper introduction. A good pal JP Mcdade hilarious comedian great joe grider Great writer. Good to have you great voice. You great impression. He does impressions, dude You know, what's the what's the go-to impression? I mean the one that's the closest is jazzle naked that one on the old sticker treat nail It's killed it. Yeah, probably the greatest impression anyone's ever done The greatest comedian of all time. That's solid. Well almost has a little walking in the air. He is walking adjacent. Whoa Yeah, the like very yeah, each word. Yeah, each word is very When you were one line of comic you got to let each word kind of hang Yeah, and when you don't have much of a personality you got to find something No, I'm sometimes by myself This is a good jazzle naked impression starting shit on a podcast. I just forget to do the voice I Did you both thank you man thank him Mark was just in LA you've been on the road a lot lately a lot And I've been a homebody mostly, but I'm gonna be in LA in a couple weeks. Oh nice over the awards got the old golden globes coming What I tell you this guy this guy's a punch-up machine. He's a great joke for the best actress in a drama Now it's right in the old jokes for the glaze dog glaze Nikki glaze are hosting again One - I did yeah, I was a blast. I like the one someone kills and they rehire them. That's how it should be That's how this business should work shouldn't just be favorites and all that it should be you do a great job you get work Do you know where a place where they are? Yeah, very soon, but We're gonna replace our guests with AI so they don't fucking cancel on us all the time. Yeah You hear that Rizzler You twerk so do you remember any jokes you got on that were like they were like holy shit that was a good one there's one there was like I remember the day of um really crossing my fingers at Tim Shalmeh was gonna show up and have his mustache because like I had one that was in the monologue that was like oh please please get there and I'm watching the red carpet from the from the writers room like come on come on it's like yes we got Shalmeh and the joke was like uh Timmy Shalmeh you have such beautiful eyelashes on your upper lip that is like we need that mustache what is this? it's a cranberry apple mule can't ginger yeah that's like it that's like a ten-word joke that's fucking great yeah what's the what's the shortest joke you've ever been oh that's a good question I was roast battling Evan Williams one time I just said Evan you've thumb I'm gonna be my most battled Sarah Tiana I said you look like Chelsea handler Melton you might have helped me with that joke he bounced it off me at least and then I had one oh you know it's a short one my ex never made me work on them because she was on the pill ambion yes that's a quick one very quick you know that's great it's like if you have some new stuff that you're trying to get in there it's like ah that went okay bang quick one line and get it back yeah I roasted god for you just end word but it killed yeah he killed me soft day even shorter yeah wow golden glow that's cool they fly out for that you know you're all the same room I assume I love to be in a room I'm a sucker for the office get me in an office same yeah you get the energy thoughts you get bounce stuff zoom I hate zoom bounce yeah how long are you out there just like a week but it's gonna be a little longer this time wow yeah do you go to the club with her I did a few times like and that was one of the sickest things about the whole thing is like this fucking monologue and everything like it was built in comedy clubs it was like you know you can try to fake it with Hollywood bullshit but like you get a comedian you get them testing the shit in comedy clubs and it worth I mean she ran it like 93 times yeah she's a psycho I love yeah the best I love that she just runs into the ground you gotta run it and remember we did that Netflix roast how much of that set change from the live shows yeah when we went to a chocolate Sunday a lot of it changed that night oh my god they were like what the fuck mark it up like mark hola fucking taxi yes they're chasing us they got me with a big cane they pulled me right out of there you start your row so like I'm scared of you motherfuckin yeah that was a fucking crazy yeah we bombed so hard that was eye opening yeah that was the other we did during Davis's show we bombed so fucking hard too oh yeah damn black rooms are hard to run roast jokes in yeah especially when you're too white guys you're like I'll tell you about that p-ditty they're like who the fuck are these guys yeah exactly like hey can you guys go along with this premise for me real quick I'm trying to run oh it's like you want to do more shit for you you got you gotta entertain us yeah and it's people they don't really care about I'm like so John Stamos is there they're like there's like this ongoing discourse about like white people who black people don't play about like they who they love John Stamos might make the list yeah I say so Uncle Jesse might have crossed over repeal I would say so yeah but it is weird to just be doing like Luigi Mangione's in the news they're like fucking yeah right we get the premise yeah yeah talking about the difference between white and black how about that yes they wanted was there anyone's that you wrote that you were like that got cut that would just you're like oh come on do this one but she was like nah she was pretty much game for everything it was like it's a valuable lesson like not counting your chickens if you have like some big project that you're writing for because it's like all right this is gonna go you know we've run so many versions of this and then like the week before it's like either it stopped working or we found something else that goes better there so it's just like try not to put your name on too much shit and just like let it be what it is you know yeah goof off fuck around and have some fun like good room a lot of funny people we know like Mike Lawrence I was out there in Carmel nice good room damn that's great do you get nervous I get nervous pitching because I've only written on a few things but if you pitch a a whiff boy it hurts you feel in that room it's a real bomb bombing pitching something in a room like that is way worse than bombing and stand up it's he's you respect everybody and you want them to respect you it feels like a mic it truly just looking at comic comic face and you're like oh yeah exactly oh that's painful someone I I pitched something that got zero and then later Anna Dresden very very funny comic and writer she's written on my son yeah she was a head writer so now she's like you pitch that joke and then your face just went backwards like I went scut sucked into a void yeah it's high pressure baby are you guys going to do in the family thing this year wait for Christmas yeah doing a girlfriend's family thing oh me too yeah what where's the girlfriend Pittsburgh oh that's a good rated town absolutely thank you good for pretty hates Pittsburgh I like it we might be shooting a movie there we'll see yeah we don't know but yeah Pittsburgh school pretty town that was we got stuck on Sunday when we were there we were trying to we're trying to find food before like the Sunday shows everything was closed we want to go in a fogo day chow at 4 p.m. we're the neat sweats on a fucking Sunday early show well it's hard not lift that flag you got to do it it's just free meat you don't want to surrender no no exactly so it tastes so good going in and it's so bad the rest of the way I know we're coming out you with swords of beef like the wakens your instincts from the medieval ages exactly you don't want to say no you don't want to quit that was I was fucking fun that was maybe the worst I've ever done stand-up comedy and we're not exactly mobile acts no sorry sorry Jerry but Jerry giving a ship or not moving on stage but uh no but we were why don't you move around we don't know of residencies at the beacon 24th Street stage is this big but uh fuck it at chow's great yeah yeah we won't be doing that for Christmas so you're you're with the lady yeah going to Cape Cod beautiful that's nice I'm actually looking forward to it was we've been grinding so hard I just want to sit and drink for like seven days I'm going to New Orleans for a few days I was just literally my friend my boy Chase you know who is like we should go somewhere I don't my passport right now it's getting renewed and he's like where do you want to go and I just I just put up the Nick's road schedule oh yeah how's New Orleans and he goes let's fucking do it in your home page oh yeah but uh hit me with rex I'll send you a whole list oh I've already got a long one from Sean Padden oh beautiful but I've been there a bunch I you know I know I know I know I know some spots where you're gonna sleep I forgot the hotel where it was nice quarter yeah oh nice they knew the quarter man all right I gotta get but yeah I'm just visualizing I see a psychiatrist like once every three months just for pills and and she was like you're going you're going on a vacation I'm like she's like you'll you'll get rest I'm like I'm just gonna get shit face in bars every night and she was like all right well if you give me Adderall I can keep drinking yes that's really what I'm taking I'm taking I'm taking I'm taking it I'm taking it for all it's worth yeah cool of life are you an Adderall guy oh I love that shit oh I had no idea hey conservative oh yeah that's good stuff yeah fucking get me fucking oh dude you think I'm listening this well naturally I had no idea you fooled me I'm on drugs baby wow that's a thinking man's Adderall that was that was that was my that was in my last special you ever you ever take an Adderall and really listen to your girlfriend I remember that joke yeah yeah points are like you're good and they're like this is I'm cheating I'm a performance enhanced drugs man you're juicing I feel great damn Adderall it's the best hangover cure ever by the way I mean it's probably not good to take after a hangover but who gives it you're ready fucking poisoning yourself exactly right might as well at a ride yeah I was with Rachel last night and I was like we should get fucking hammered right now and she goes nah I shouldn't I was like well anyway of course we shouldn't share but it'd be fun if we just got to make a better argument than yeah yeah that's all I was trying to explain to Jerry he's like why would I do blow and I'm like well you don't you're not supposed to do blow that's the point it's fun yeah no no we're trying to find a chink in your armor yeah yes you're perfect he's a gillus remember when that guy got fired from ESPN for to say that about yes Jeremy Lynn yes oh my god yeah and and like and that's an expression it is I think that was the cover of the post too one day was chinkin the armor well away he's pulling up his like defensive box plus minus to be like no really his defense is not good it's a chinkin the armor yeah he's a cone out there right no way holy fuck that's not real that's not real that's not real that's what you know I speak of devil hey hey speaking of prescription drugs here we go it's Jerry scientifically he's back that would be fun if he just wouldn't stop coming like all right Jerry you know like we have friends who have big celebrities call them and they're like lily it's calling me again you know yes or anyone who calls you you're like I remember I remember already lying saying once it made me laugh so hard about I used to wait three hours to see Andrew dice play live now I dodge his phone call I was like holy shit for example yeah we had the opposite last weekend the opposite effect when we played ball with Adam Sandler yeah tell me about this because a demon on the court really he's a maestro it's crazy yeah a run and gun high tempo 58 year old point guard that's not oh I told him his mba comp is j kid up but I'm the next yes he's old but he's still got the vision crafty yeah sand knows the best he threw a pass that I mean it got deflected but then it went through my legs dude but how about the he threw sand with the one that was like it was like a yokech-esque like behind the head and everyone oh because he because a guy that old on the court the bars low right and I know Hawaiian shirt in his late 50s I was cooking 25 year old comics you have an agency do's in a Hawaiian shirt in the court in your life Hold on who's a hustler just in case yeah, well dude Woody in in white man can jump that's right Dress is like a fucking word a little cyclist at yes. Those were hot back then Sit down Shopify we might be drunk the New Year's always comes with that feeling that this is the final year You do the thing you've been thinking about forever everyone has a business idea of product They should sell a store they've already designed in their head the hard part isn't the idea It's taking the real first step and actually launching that's why Shopify exists Shopify gives you everything you need to sell online And in person whether you're starting from scratch or turning a side hustle and move something real millions of entrepreneurs I've already done it from first-time sellers to massive brands. 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That's hymns.com slash drunk for your free online visit hymns.com slash drunk Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan feature products include compounded drug products Which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety effectiveness or quality prescription required see website for details Restrictions and important safety information. Thank you Rage let's show I haven't seen you since we got fucked up a dinner. Oh Man, we got me Norman Rachel Liz we go to Lortuzzi. They serve bodega cat now. We got fucking hammered. Yeah, it was great I had a great meal. Yeah, we were flight to LA next day was brutal. We were so hammered Mark We were so fucking hammered walking on the street and Norman finds a walker on the street And just we're drunk enough that he starts using it as a prop and gags, but he had a night. It's just an actual It was so dumb yet so perfectly hilarious Infuriating me like I'm getting up with my like it's you know, 7 a.m. with my baby and he's like I got a flight Maybe then flight I got to get up and leave my family Mark you got to take you got to take a holiday photo where everyone's holding an a.k. 47. You got to do one of those I love that. Do you want to drink? Yes, please this is Maddie or bar. Thank you for having me I'll have what was that thing you gave me that night. That was pretty good a paper plan Roofie I didn't take yeah, she's got a strong Constitution in abortion pill I've never been harder Let's get rid of that thing. Why don't they get a mass produced those like blue choo Thank you. Yeah, should we get the gifts out of the way? Oh I feel like an asshole. What is it? Listen? Um, these two could be for either of you. Let's see I think this is definitely from Mark. Yeah Yeah, he's already going down a pole if you know what I mean All right. Oh, and yp day. Oh, these are nice guys. Thanks. You said you wanted those Sam Oh, that's yours. Those are too big for me. All right. Take them. Thanks back the blue I'm sure you can find something. This is a great move. I bring a woman back. I just take my pants off I was about to see you but I ironically worked that into a blowjob that would be big. Yeah, pack and heat I'm just about to get blown. I'm like, oh, yeah, blue lives matter. Yeah, here's my night stick I knew you would punch that up into a bit. Don't bring a black girl home Just be like I'm out of here. Oh, no, if I had a quarter All right, you Jewish. I knew that was I knew that was I was like just let it linger. I knew it was coming I can't make that one I brought you some home. Oh my goodness. Thank you for the shirt. This is very cute. Yeah Well, I love you boys. Your your my babies are already wearing your other ones. These really? Oh, yeah It's very sweet. Well, you know how I root for you foul beast. Thank you. You want to do a paper plane too? Right now? Yeah, man You fucking dumb of that basically. What do you fucking pussy? Well, I'm going on the egg not great. I'm scared my pussy hurts too much I can't. It's over. Yeah That's good courage It's actually tougher. Yeah, I'll do a plane. Yeah, let's do three planes Nine or two. Yeah Three planes going down Hmm. Oh, man. Well, I just watched cast away again. Oh, man. I got a lot of problems with it It is a good movie. It's great. But that ending. It's like come on. It's to you guys have been gone that long She got a whole new life four years. He's gone four years. He's gone. She's got like a husband's a baby Yeah, they mentioned the Tennessee Titan Super Bowl. Yeah, time stamp on it Yeah, they were like Titans made the Super almost one too. Yeah, I think that was to show it was awkward They didn't know that they couldn't get rid of it out. They made out big time. You I spent a lot of I spent the girl the girl moves on it I never saw it. Oh, yeah, Helen Hunt moves on. She made a guy. He would have moved on in like two weeks my my mom's like one of my mom's best friends Like had lukemiya the guy was like at a square dance with another chick a week later Jesus, by the way, this is the second one she runs out the rain. That's as good as a guess Yeah, I was just about to ask for that. Helen Hunt had a run. Yeah, and a wreck and a wreck She was the original swini The new thing in any TV show is tits in the first episode Last few years like big reveal show some tits in the first episode gets a lot more viewers. I think I remember Do you guys remember that movie from like the 90s or something? It's like a super old film and all the women are lined up in bikinis and then they They they their boobs pop up one by one and they make tits holes in the sand That was always my dream when I was a girl to to go up one day and be a lady that would make tits holes in the sand What is that? I think it's maybe top secret. That's a great movie. What a great. It's calm at the time is that it just google Tits holes in the sand. That was my main goal Yeah, I was like a really bad student my mom would always take me to get scanned like they just figured like I don't know they keep scanning me and something would come up and and before one of my brain scans to figure out why I was such a Throbbing Tard we watch this movie. Oh, this is right. I just want to grow up and make tits holes in the sand. It sounds like this sequel to islands in the stream There you go Well, you've got an apple rack right right? Thanks mark. I mean at this point in time. I didn't really sprout it yet What are you working with these days? - Oh, this is the baby room and everything. But you know what I mean? - We went everything, it's great. Thank you. Every time I see Mark, he says something more devastating. (laughing) - Mark has like, play by play changed the way I view myself. - I'm shutting it. - I'm complimenting you. - Shout out to myself, saying every time I see it. (laughing) - What do you got a couple of jeans? - You just said my body was wrecked by my baby. - I was joking, your body's great. - Every time I see it. - If you were a disaster, he wouldn't say this. That's part of the joke. - He said mine, that's where I tell myself when I'm flapping around in the wee hours of the night when you're playing Mark's haunting. - Okay, you admitted it. - I love Peter's joke about his wife after breastfeeding and not return her breast in the condition that she gave them to the baby. - He was by her heart, she should shoot him right in the face for that. - I had to do it, Carnegie Hall. I had to like watch her just listen to all his jokes about him. - Oh. - Am I open or after Gary's usually like, man that guy hates his wife and always gets a pop. (laughing) Couldn't do that one. - Oh I did it. - A crucifix of Carnegie Hall. - So what, C plus? - Oh my, my boss size, I see 34 C. I mean, I know. - Oh that is. - That's the ideal fit. - Ideal fit guys. - That's a great fit, especially with your frame major. That's very impressive. - Yeah. - Again, I just want to thank my team at WMA. Like that. (laughing) - By the way, Mark, it's not pluses and minuses. It's double, that was joking. - Oh, okay. - That was a great plus. - Yeah, okay. - A negative. - Thank you. - I love that he stopped down the podcast and that was incredible. - We saw some hoisted racks. - Classic Salah cues moment. Excuse me, but I had no problem with the rest of my followers. - Yeah, you fucking nerd Salah cues. - Thanks for correcting the joke. (laughing) - Actually, shut up point Dexter. - Yeah. - Egghead, now who would say, what rack? - No, we saw some hoisted racks at that roast in Atlantic City. - Oh, yes, there was many and she shines, can't she. - What was that, Jersey Shore? - Did you get the Jersey Shore Roast in JP? - JP came with me and helped me and it was like the most fun. - Oh, yeah, that was awesome. - Yeah, that was amazing. I mean, I feel like guys, the guys were more a little more into it than some of, I feel like some of the women did not care for the things that. - Yeah, most of the women were like, they were aware of what was going on but didn't care. And the guys were just like, mostly too stupid to get what was going on. - Yes. - Quality seemed pretty normal. And the situation, who we were mainly roasting, not a bringing back Jersey Shore, but it's like just like they couldn't recast it. We talked about this during the roast, but they combed the land and they couldn't find greater morons than these people. So, now they're just like the same. But they're like-- - Did the situation of like the old time worst roasted it? - Yeah, back in the day. - Yes. - Yeah, they're like, let's run it back. - Just like followed him on that roast. There was a roast down there. - He was also dressed like one of my aunts at like a bod mitzvah or something. He had a high heeled shiny like tap shoes on. - He said it looked like, what did you say again? - Like the Revenant. No, it looked like he had gone shopping at like a dead lady's of state sale. (laughing) - He looked like a high heeled guy. - It looks like he said a lot of work done in his face. - Yes. - Yeah, he has the nose of the old man from up, basically. - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, but it was a pretty fun night. I mean, it was me and him and Christy and-- - Oh, hell yeah. - It was a blast. - Was Vinnie D or Vinnie there? - Yes, Vinnie was there. He does-- - That's cool. - He does stand up now. He's bringing our brand down, but no, actually, he was pretty fine. He was cool. He was fine and he was cool and he could take a joke. - Yes. - Yeah, he was good. I mean, I feel like the guys in general were down for all the insanity that we said to them, but the-- - Did he buy again? - I was terrified of Snookie. She did not care for my horse shit. - Wow, she's tiny, huh? - Yeah. - And me and JP, both fucked Polly D. - Yeah, that's cool. - Hey, good for you. - Hanaka. - He's red. (laughing) - Now, did he bomb again? - I think we did before. - Do we? - Oh my God. - He's good. - He went last and he went long. - Yeah, yeah. - He's hit a lot of time. - This is literally the all-star lineup here, the booze, the celtzer, the coffee, the eggnog. - Here, here. - Why not? - How'd Chris D do? - He did great. - Hell yeah. - Here we are. - All right. - Sean, please not be done. - No, I'm not winning this time, man. - God willing. - Here we go. - Wow. - Daddy, you've got a gift. - This is great. - That is so light. - My first one ever. - You've never made one? They're pretty standard, though. - Bar eye workouts, more of them. Here's a high noon in a vodka soda. - Where do you work? - I work on the upper east side of the stumble in. - Oh, I've been there. - Fried, Fried used to do a show there, then. - That was a great show. - There's an open mic every Monday. If you guys are ever-- - I'll check it out. - See you there. - Sam? (laughing) - I used to be in my circuit when I drank. It was like all the bars that are named after like stages of alcoholism. - Yeah. - It's gonna be like 13th step. - Is that your answer? You used to work there, remember that one? - Did it? - Jason can't do it. - That's like a domestic violence or something. - We got hammered there. - Oh yeah. - No, now it's downtown social. - Sure. - Oh yeah, then it was down the hatch. - Down the hatch? - Yeah. - We went up there one night. - There was heavy evidence that there was like a bar called American trash. That was pretty fun. - So which one? - American trash. - Yeah, that was a fun one. - That was fun for that one. - But the one that was down the hatch is right by the seller. - Yeah. - Seventh step. - They got beer pong there. That was a fucking, you get humbled quickly. I ain't what I used to be, dude. These college kids. - Oh man. - It's like the NBA. We were in my day. We weren't bouncing and sending it back like this. - I was shooting like European draft picks over there. It was fucking. - All right. - Ari's wedding. We were getting trounced by each other. - We had a couple. We had a couple. - We had a couple. - That one guy was a fucking ringer, dude. - Yeah. - What happened? - Mark and I were, we were playing a lot of beer pong 'cause we wrote that into our movie that we're really good at beer pong and that we're like hustlers. - Yeah. - And yeah, we were playing that one guy was a fucking sniper. - I know. - We had a couple good games though. - Yeah, that's shit. - We'll get it back. - We just got to get back in the gym. - Yes. - We'll go to the bar. We'll fucking work on the J. - Do you have that stumble in? You got beer pong? - No, we don't. - Okay. - I used to, everyone asks for it. - Well, you know what the kids do now. I noticed they used to, we used to just take the dirty ball, throw in the cup and you drink the beer. Now that it's all water cups and you just drink your beer in the side when it's for hygiene. - I don't like that. - I know, but dude, do you think about it? It's pretty gross. We drank those. - Absolutely disgusting. - It's part of it. - There's some sort of beer pong league at one of those bars that you used to be. There's nothing sadder than being like the head of a beer pong like what kind of throbbing guttural alcoholic are you? - What time are you gonna be back, honey? - I think I'll head up the team for the season. - You're curking your wife's leg. - What happened? - The team lost. - Yeah. - I played hard is what happened. - Yeah. - I got, we lost ones in beer pong back in the day. I was super young and my friend opened my beer pong and this fucking dude kept talking shit to me and I was like black out drunk, talking shit back. And then he beat me and I was so hammered. I started throwing the empty cups at him and he was like, all right, all right. And then I was so drunk, I grabbed the water cup and just rolled it at him and drenched him. And my friend just looked from outside. He just saw through the window. The guy's choking me out again. Just some giant dude choking me out. - Whoa. - The door was like, oh, cool. - I love this guy. - I walked in like, no, no, no, no. And I was like, no, no, no, no, it's all right. I deserve it. (laughing) Was he the bouncer? - No, he was just some guy who beat us in beer pong. - Oh, wow. - But I was just that drunk that I threw a water cup at him. - I remember watching these guys play beer pong and not understanding like that it was like a dumb, not a sport in any way. And like, I had a big crush on this guy at American Trash. She was playing beer pong. And I remember there was this other girl Heather who was like, somehow even sadder than I was. Probably 'cause she was older at the time and she was sort of like swaying and kind of, and she was sort of supporting him. And I was like, oh, are you like dating the guy? She goes, I'm just cheering for him, which is one of the saddest sentences I've ever heard. - I need a woman like that, just cheering for him. There's nothing sadder than being a regular cheerleader and adult cheerleader is dark enough of being put cheering for a man playing beer pong. Just take your own life, it's over. - But I went out with this one guy from American Trash and did one of the dumbest things I've ever done on a date. I, this is now like already regretting launching into the story. I, we were out in a date and I excused myself and went to the bathroom and then changed on the date into what I thought was sexier outfit. But I, isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard? - What do you, where do you wear it? Where'd this go from? - Here's what I did, okay. So I always have some sort of foul sack with me. The fan always mocks. - I feel like at my bags are so disgusting to me. - Her bags are huge. - Yeah. - If she was in the show, already Fuqua is going through that bag. - She's like a medieval peddler. - All right. - Coming to her village with her wears. - My bags are a turn off to man. They really make a guy flask. And nothing like a big fucking sack walking around with some kind of fun. - It's just, it's a lot for sure. - Yeah. - It's a, yeah, it's kind of the foreshadowing of more. - She could take it camping. (laughing) But let me tell you, that guy did not notice you changed your outfit. - Oh no, no, he did. - He actually confronted me on it. (laughing) - So he was jailing my life. - So I think, sometimes I can't decide what to wear. And then I, this is already insane enough. Like, and I put like a second top in my bag. Like I'm gonna have some second lap of the evening, like I'm hosting the Oscars or something. And I just went out with some guy to the saddest bar. And I had like a red dress that I wanted to wear then I, but I was like, well, I'll save it for later. Like I was gonna have some second lap of pouring, at which I guess I did. - Was this at American trash? - Yeah. And then I went to the bathroom. I feel like we've never had a wardrobe change in the bar. - This is crazy. - I know it's already a dime far. What I did was, this is so dark. It's one of, definitely one of the more insane moments in my life. I pretended to spill on myself. Now I was wildly trash at this point. Because I want, I thought I would really see all the deal if you could only see me in a red dress than I would like you. I would lock it. So then I went to the bathroom, I was like, oops, it's a daisy. And then I went to the bathroom and changed into the red dress in K-Bah. I was like, thank God I've got this with me. And it still alarms me that he knew what I was up to. - He called you on it? - Yeah, he was like, you had that in your bag and planned all of this. (laughing) Also, like, how insane was he that he knew what a throbbing lunatic I was? Like, that's crazy that he didn't even guess it. But normally, I think a guy would just be like, huh? But the fact that he goes like, I know what you did. Like, that's kind of fucking awesome that he said that. - Oh, I was so embarrassing. Like, he was just like, I know what you mean. - We usually overlook everything. (laughing) - No, no. - I mean, but when did that, if you guys were out on tape, wouldn't that be such a red flag? Like, he'd be like, she's-- - I don't know, I don't think I'd give a shit. - I don't think I'd give a shit. - I'd be like, he likes me enough to do this. - Yeah, same. I think I might be a red flag, but I would overlook it totally. - I don't know what, I'm not gonna jeopardize getting laid by Chris. - So did you bang him? - No, I just like cocked his term. - Oh, that's a flag. - I know, that is the flag. No, I would tell the guys ahead of time. I'd be like, listen, 'cause I never really had sex like casually. So I'd be like, if I come over, you know, we can cuddle, but we can't hook up. I have a joke about it now, but I talk about how like, I'm like, I'd still tell them not to do it. I'd be like, if I was your sexual attorney, I'd recommend you don't take this deal. - If some girl did that on the first day with me and she like changed her clothes, I'd just make a quick man so I'd be like, all right, she's bipolar. - And I would date it for two and a half years. - Is that a big deal? - It's fine. - Don't introduce her to family. - It should have signified that I was better in bed than I was. Because I feel like somebody that crazy, right? Usually they're good. - It is a bummer when a crazy chick's not good in bed. Because you're like, what's the point? - Yeah, that happens. - So you're just crazy and you lay there? - No, it's horrible. - I know, I'm married to her. (all laughing) - That was just great. - I love you. (all laughing) - Yeah, she listens to the pod. - Yeah. - But for real, she's, thanks for taking care of the baby. - I'm here. - It's fucking cheersing in a house. - She's rounding that chicken on top. - Right now. (all laughing) - Just to spite me. - It's so bad. - Well, it was before you just went in your way. - Norman and shut her eyelids. (all laughing) - Sorry, what'd you say, Rachel? - I was just gonna say before you disappointed your wife on all the frontiers. (all laughing) Before you profoundly devastated your wife in every way. - In every way. - What was the craziest girl you guys have ever been? - Ooh, good question. (all laughing) - Sorry, I don't want to point. - I can't stop laughing thinking of Norman in a comedic version of Shutter Island. (all laughing) - This is why he's drowning in the baby. He's like, "Ah, you fucking cunt!" - He thinks he's been podcasting all these years. He's just been in a room by himself. (all laughing) - I'm like, that was a great one, Mark. (all laughing) - Not my friend Sam's gonna be here any minute. (all laughing) - He's being carried away. - I'll be at the Chicago Theater this weekend. I'm like, "Sure you will, buddy." - Mark, Mark, there's no such place as McGubbies. (all laughing) - The wrist was coming, I swear. (all laughing) - Crazy school ever, yeah, what do you got? - Crazy school, like a crazy girl that I was hooking up with, briefly like with the benefits of the mental illness. I just did not, I straight up did not feel safe in her home. She like, she like sat me on the couch and then like went in her room for like two hours and didn't, I was like, "All right, is this like a test to see if I barge in or something?" - Whoa. - So I just kinda, and then she's like, "Okay, you can come in now. I don't know what happened there." And other similar thing, I think. - You can come in now. So you, yeah, I was like meeting Pastor Michael's or something. - Yeah, that's right. - Two hours is a wild stretch of time. - Yeah. - Which did she look different? Was she like shaving and prepping her whole body? - She was in a different outfit, which we found weird. But, it doesn't really look like she was waiting there with Camp Patterson. (all laughing) - We don't see a road for you in this sexual way. - Did Dub Davidov scamper off? (all laughing) - There was a window open. - Did a few rogue prostitutes with Dub Davidov? - Ben Marshall comes out of the room, he's like, it didn't go well. (all laughing) So after a shot, that's what happened. (all laughing) - Normal stuff, normal stuff. It turned out alright, but I was like, - Well, you think she was doing, did she look any different? - No, I don't think she looked any different. But if I had the confidence of your date, I would have asked questions, but I was just like, nope. - Yeah. - Got to see this through. Can't risk not getting laid. - Yeah. - Try and think about it. - There's a lot. - I actually have a lot. - You've probably heard a lot of them stories. I don't know which one's the craziest. You could probably tell me better, but I don't know. - I, I mean, I know that Sam went to that. - Oh yeah. - Yeah, that was a great, I've done that bit in a special, but that, the one about the girl who invited me to her place and then I went there. - Yes. - That one was crazy. - The Asian. - Yeah. - Yeah. - How about your ex who heckled you at MSG? - But that was like, yeah, that was very, that was long removed. That was pretty crazy. - That was pretty crazy. - Yeah, my ex got thrown out of the MSG theater. That was super long. - Hey, come great. - Hey, hey. - Holy shit, he's dressed up too. - Wow, look at her. - Scott's got some great, come in here. Scott's got some crazy. - Oh, yeah, yeah. - This guy's getting engaged every other fucking week. - That's true. - Take it out. - Take my seat, I gotta run, I gotta get it. - Oh, really already? - Yeah, quit that. - I'm so sorry. - Gotta come back soon. - Yeah, yeah, man. - Great to see you, dude. - I mean, stuff. - Watch the Grammys, the Emmys, the others, Emmys. Watch the Grammys, too. - How about the girls in clubs? - Yeah. - Get it quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. - Hey, hey. - Hey. - Hey. - Thank you. - Thank you. - Photo. - All right. - Thank you, the best. - Thank you, thank you. - Scott, sub in. - Thank you. - Love the outfit, what are we doing? - What are you doing? - Holy shit. - Speaking of-- - Holy shit, reach out. - Happy holidays. - What? - Scott, we're talking about-- - You're gonna rock hard. - The former host of HQ Trivia and the new host of, say, what's it called? - Savvy. - Savvy, Savvy. - Savvy is the app. - Tech-savvy is the game. - We're talking craziest girl you've ever been with. - Oh, Lord, we're going right into it. - We're doing it. - We're doing it. - You've got a roster. Scott does the thing where he, like, every month, we'll have lunch or something, he'll be like, she's the one, dude. And then, like, literally two weeks later, we call it off the engagement a lot. - I've been engaged 14 times, yeah. - Oh, wait, really? - No, no. - But recently-- - Once, this year. - But I feel like all of it is your close. You're like close to thinking about it. - January 1st, 2025. - Single man. - Yeah, got it. - January 1st, 2026, single man. In-between, engaged. - But what sort of-- - Whoa! - Lithium-aiding got you. - And then disengaged. - Just like our audience. - The minute I won't get-- - No, no. - What happened with it? - I don't want to-- - What would we do the entire thing? - Okay, so back in time. - Roll it back. - But actually, this rolls into a topic I want to bring up. And I'll tell you the quick story here, though. I made a video. We broke up August. So we meet February 15th. I proposed May 15th. We break up August 15th. - Propose month. - Three months. - Yeah, three months. Propose, and three months later, we're broken up. - What happened in those months that made you-- Say I got to get the fuck out of here. - Again, I want to be sensitive to this. - Oh boy. - But it was just, I couldn't handle it. I'm going to admit that I could not handle-- - Being married. - Her. - No, no, I couldn't. We just triggered each other. Every single thing we said became like the end of the world. - Whoa. - And it was, I've never met someone who was so intimately in twine like that where-- - But them titties, though. - They're titties, though. That's the fridge over there. - You are a tittie guy. - That's the thing, you said it. - I can tell when it guys started. - It's like the sex was so good. (laughing) - When you find the good sex, it's like you do tend to look past a lot of things. But then you realize, this is a lifetime. And if you can't make three months, you know. - Don't try to make yourself into some kind of noble night. Like, you guys are sitting there nodding, you're like, well, you know what, try to look past, what initially made me propose, which was a fat pair of tits in the first place. - Obviously, it wasn't the whole thing. - It was the day it's character, the matter. - It was the whole thing. - She's a brilliant writer. - All right, knock it off. - Yes, but the thing is, so we broke up August 15th. I make a video that comes up in September, okay? A couple months after. Put on this. - Fucking her from behind. (laughing) - It's a little sketch where I'm in the street asking people quite tribute questions. It's a sketch idea I've had since 2016, mind you. - Okay. - The premise is, it's a tribute show. It starts off with like, hey, do you know New York City? Who was the mayor during 9/11, you know? - Juliannie. - Juliannie, there you go. Who was the mayor today? But stuff like that. - Eric Adam. - There you go. And then I go, what do you think it means when my ex-girlfriend texts him, doesn't say delivered underneath. What do you think that means? (laughing) It just, and then, you know, it goes right, it sounds very personal stuff, right? - Yeah. - So I did that. How many days after we broke up to my fiancee, returned to the dating app we met on? You know, asking questions like that. And then I read part of a text that she sent me, the last text she sent me, which was like, pretty vicious. I read like, I read-- - How vicious? - Well, I'll say it. I'll say it. You're like, you know, you are someone who doesn't deserve a family, you're not ready for it, you can't do it. It's something like that. - Even a broken clock, so I twice a day. - Yeah. - Come on. - But I read this to these people. I said, what do you think she means by that? You know, I was doing that type of show. - That's great. - So the video comes out, gets 2,000 views. She sees it. 2,000? - Nothing. - She's 1,500 of those views. - She's going to refer to that. - Absolutely. It was-- - Can you believe this? - It was a nuclear meltdown because she took it so personally. I mean, why? - I couldn't even have a conversation. - But when you guys already broke it up-- - Yeah, already broken up. - Does that mean you're off shift? - Yeah. - You have to go online for that. - But by the way, it speaks to a different thing, like talking about people in your life. How do you do it without causing issues? - Oh, it's the tap. - There's issues. - There's issues. - I like to wait a special or two after the break up. Like, I'll shelf that for a little while. - Smart, but I don't always. - She's right. - I mean, just hope my wife doesn't see the show. But I mean that she saw this thing and went off and it's took it so personally like this actually was not about you really it's a premise. Also you're being self-explicating. I'ma come here to do. I dated somebody that his he's like an emotional desert and that same and that same climate that created the man that says these things that consistently devastate me but make for some fun love and comedy is the same climate that makes him not give a fuck when I talk about him. You have to date somebody so emotionally devastating. Wow. That they don't care anyway. My parents are like that. She said you aren't ready for a family. We were in this jacket. Yeah. Actually. I was wearing an eyeball jacket. This is this is not I got a lot of comments on this. I love it. No, I think it's the gap between the paint and the sock that might not be so hot. I got that too. Yeah. What do you fix that? No, that isn't fucking post guzzling suit if I've ever seen. Don't let the haters hate. I'm a walking filter. Are you not on good terms with her right now? Well, two months after that she emailed me apologizing saying she she could have been less reactive. She's crazy. Mark, I'm not going to say it. I actually kind of like when someone's so vicious that then they feel bad for being vicious because you're like, all right, now I'm kind of off the hook. Yeah. Can we see the text? You can see the video if you want an Instagram. She said a video. It's it's on my Instagram. I just said I just said the whole video though. So I don't know how interesting it's going to be now. It's got regards to Instagram. But yeah, I mean, it's it's a tricky thing because obviously comedy or artists we use our life to make. No, of course, it's a blow on artists. It's all immersive. We all suffer for our art. My dick, my brush and your throat. You offended Maddie on that one. Oh, sorry, Maddie. I'm like, I'm Sam, you keep on. There's too many videos. What do I drink? Yeah, do you want to, can we get Matt? It's got a paper plane here. A paper plane. You know, I was saying, I've been sober 12 years, but I figured today we're jumping off the wagon boys. Let's do it. Come on for you. Come on, we want to. No, it's a joke. That's a joke. He was drunk in my thing the other night. I took you seriously. That's the thing. People take me, sir, it's one of those New York cities. I think it might be that one. New York City. Oh, you're in the same fucking. I will. I will. I will. I will. I won't buy. I will have a show. No, New York City. Are you a real New Yorker? Like a real New Yorker. Do you think you know New York? Really much. I grew up here 50 years ago. I got some questions for you. The Pulaski Bridge. Oh, I don't think this is the ones. I think it's the second day that one. Try that one. You know, I'm really slimmed out. What's the secret? Oh my god. He's not even. Let's find out. He's just really depressed. Not the O's hammer. No, not doing that. Who's the Kurt Mayer in New York City? Oh, Eric Adams. Who's the mayor before him? Oh, he was that tall guy with the Pulasio. Kareem, a bilge bar. When was 9/11? What year? How soon after we broke up, did my ex-fiancé rejoined the dating app we met on? One month. Is this it? A couple of months? Yes. Immediately, about two seconds. The reengaged. She's my fiance. I don't know, it was just quick two seconds. Last text me, she wrote, "You're not capable of partnership, not ready to build a home, a family, or a life with anyone." What is she talking about? She's not ready. She's not ready, right? She said you're not ready. She wants a family. Yeah, I wanted a family. I'm ready, baby. I'm ready to go. It might be too late already. 41 now. No, if he did it, you did it late. I think it's too late. You could skid in the bottom of the ninth and that's suit. You think I want to have Mark Norman's life, though? I think you could have a family. I think you could do it. I absolutely think I'm ready. I told her I was ready. I'm ready, dude. Don't listen to Sam. I'm just gonna say I'm fucking ready. You should have a fucking kid together. There's a sitcom. There's a sitcom. I'm loving sitcom if I've ever seen one. Two Jews, one pop. I'm ready for it. Maybe go put a pizza place, too. I think you guys could combine that sitcom, Ellen. Came in that suit back to back with Sam with a fun loving you to the math expression. Yeah, I'm just a minor, a minor in a baby wackily movie. I'm thinking of Tom Sellick. Three boy, man, a baby. Yeah. We need a third. We need a third. Mmm. Rhanna. A tell. A tell. Yeah. Three ages. Yeah. That's good. Now it's like Chico and the man. Yeah. Wow. So you say you want a baby? I do. I do. I wish you could go up into it. I think I think it could be a single day, too. I'm ready. I'm fucking out. A lot of work. A lot of work. I need a woman. Go on. You want to say we cut it out if it's not okay. But when we were all at dinner, um, this is funny. Sam was like at the bar. See, I goes, you know what I think I'm gonna do with like the solemn kind of mature Sam. Like he's really settling in a decision. He goes, you think I'll do it? I think I'll just impregnate some insane woman. And then I'll basically I won't be with her because she's crazy, but at least I'll get a baby. And then then I'll get a cool woman and I'll get cussy and I'll date a cool woman. And then just because I'm, you know, I don't want to be too old to that. And then Mark was like Mark was I'm inverted universe. Mark was the voice of reason and Mark was like, uh, no, I don't think you could just do a crazy trick. Because then she'll be the baby's mom. Yeah. Yeah. Mark's it. He goes, no, you know what? The baby's mom to be crazy. I was like, huh? Yes. Yes. I'll drown him in a tub. This is like the third baby drown reference. Yeah. Put on some Whitney Houston. Put on some Andrew. Yeah, she's got an album. Deep gun. Andrew, you remember the names of these people? I'm a sick fuck. You are sick. I just read the, I read the, I read the dark stories a lot because I'm trying to go with bits. Yeah. He wants a baby. Sam, are you attracted? Who is that hot female model? Jody area. It's very attractive. You are right. That Jody area is one fine piece of ass. That's a lot to knock up Jody. Was it probably the baby? No, I used to, I used to have a joke about Jody area. She, she stabbed her boyfriend 30 times, slid his throat and then shot him in the head because he tried to break up with her and women were like, why don't you be a man and break up with me in my face? And I'm like, that's why she's kind of a bobert thing going on. She's hotter. But the problem, but you know what, the problem is she is dead behind the eyes. You can see it. Oh, yeah. You can see it, but that yeah. But that's why you should break up with a girl on zoom and then jizz to Jody area instead. That's that Sam's moral of the story. There was another one who was hotter. She killed a kid in Italy or a husband. What was her name? I know you're talking about, but it's a good holiday. The Anthony. Casey. Casey. The Anthony did not kill. He went out for like a titty contest. That very. Yeah, she was. She stucked off her lawyer. Oh, I love her. A little, a lot of us more sick going on. Do some guy for like a wet t-shirt contest. Some guy some guy on Tennessee. Pull it up. Pull up the story. Some guy in Tennessee destroyed his marriage by dating Casey Anthony. That's right. Let's go to a caller. Wait, who's the one that is without the sunshine band? That was right. I might write about Casey Anthony going in a wet t-shirt contest that and this makes me feel like such a tremendous mother. Just these stories are wonderful. I tell you what two words you never want to see before your name in an article convicted killer. Sure. No. It's not good. Not good. Taught mom, neither. You don't want to see that. Taught mom is never good. Yeah, look at her. That's with the guy and she called it off with. Imagine Casey Anthony breaking up with you. Yeah. This isn't working. I need stability. You got off easy, though. What does she do? Kill the kid. Yeah, she killed her own, right? She's a great shape. Look at those legs, Jesus. Someone's doing squats. I don't know. Don't worry. But hold on. What's the Italy horror? Oh, my God. She's not a man. That's it. I believe she was clear. When you say four, that's when I got it. That's when you got it. Amanda Knox, the hottest. She is quite beautiful. Oh, yeah. Nice. That's Sam. Nice Hitler youth. Kind of look Sam. I do love a Hitler youth love. You do love a Hitler. I like a woman. I tolerate a whisper of Judaism. Oh, I really am attracted. If I see a woman, I'm like, she wouldn't have hidden me during the Holocaust. I find that very attractive. I'm like, she would have turned me the fucking. Yes, a Milano. I remember you, David. Sam went on a date with this alarmingly hot German woman who he brought me over to introduce me. Like, I'm like, don't use me as part of your pre-oiling process with a woman. I'm like, look, look, I trust with you. I am a female friend. Yes, pre-oiling. She was, she was really hot. No, she was insanely hot. But I'm like, what am I? What am I? What am I? I don't want to be inside her. Say, I'm going to take it from here. And then he's like, no, she actually told me that her family helps the people, like, and they hid the Jews in the Holocaust. But that's what they all say. They all say they hid the Jews in the Holocaust. They're like, sit at a black friend. They were all there when Dylan went electric. When Dylan converted to Judaism, you know. Are you Jewish? I am. I'm joking. Go on. I can't even see Maddie with that nose. It's on the way. Hey, one breath. I'm good all day. There we go. I could spoke to cigar in the shower. But there's, these are, these are, these are for. I do listen. It's such a, you're dick over that thing. Oh, that, that is not seen regardless. And you, and you brought this up. By the way, I want to say this here. Get it out. Happy holiday. Why is he bringing up your gang? Happy holidays. Happy holidays. I think my introduction should have been, had I had one. Please welcome the most talked about guest, getting his first chance to talk. Scott Rigausky. That's a good intro because I, how many years ago are there? How many years, years, you know, six years, the show? Six, six, eight. Mark hates confrontation. Six years. This is our mincee of marijuana. - Maron or Roe? - Roe, whatever though. - Yeah. - Gallagher, Gallagher, Maron. - Okay. - This is it. - I'm ready. - I'm down because I'm unaware of this. - She doesn't know. - No. - This is all about it. - Double C. - I probably managed better. - He really stumbled there. - I probably didn't know. (laughing) - I didn't know that. - I was talking about batteries. - He was in the middle and he was like, "Tit's okay, uh." - Okay. - I didn't bring batteries. - It's a double C C plus. - C plus. - C plus. - C plus plus. - You guys are so dumb. - I don't know what was happening. - Well, you've been doing this over six years. I've probably been mentioning six times. - That's true. - And listen, it's wonderful when it happens. I got a lot of messages. Oh my god, you're a Mark and Sam show. You did a big show, guys. I go, "Oh, that's cool, that's cool." Yeah, I'll be invited one of these days. I'm sure one of these days, you know, for all the times I've invited them onto running late, 12 angry mascots, all the great times we had. Back at the pit open mic, Mark. - Yes, the pit open mic. - The pit open mic. - Keep touching, Mark, as much as possible. - Honest to God, this is all a bit. I fucking love you guys. Thank you for having me this week. - Wait, wait, wait, what happened? - No, there's no air to clear. I'm just fucking out. - No, no, no, no. - Mark, oh, there's air. - Oh, it's there. - There's no air. - Oh, there's no air. I'm literally joking, it's a bit. I tell jokes, I'm a comedian. - No, tell us about the mic. - On the mic, or the micropenus. So then he talks about micropenus. - There we go. - Oh, this was good. - It's in your act. - Yes, 'cause I'm a comedian, Mark. You ever hear about exaggeration? Hyperbole, no, it's okay. - That's what I said on the episode, I was like, I think it's a joke. - But it's okay. - And Mark is like, yeah, he's got a micropenus, and I was like, no, I think it's a bit. - I'm here to clear the air and to show you. - No, no, no, no, no. - Clearly, it's not a macro penis. - All right, all right. - You know, it's a penis. - Yeah. - Was I on this episode? I remember this, maybe it's because you guys shared the clip. Was I on that episode? - I don't know. - Possibly. - The Salah Q's, you better find this out in one minute. - I've had plenty of jokes about it. It is part of my act. It's a wonderful part of my act, frankly. I'm a Scott Grogowski, not Show Gowsky. - I think most men are, I think most men are. - But I had a great show. You know, also, I haven't done stand-up in like 15 years, but I still remember it. - I remember this, for all the top moms that don't know what we're talking about at home. Mark said that Mark mentioned that you had a micropenus referring to your act. - Right. - And Sam was like, I don't think you want to announce that he has a micropenus. I believe he met that ironically. And by the way, Sam deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for this. - I remember that. - It was great. - It was a great moment. But here's the thing. I've talked to him about micropenus. This is a real thing. - Please. - It's like a button. That's what we're talking about here. - Right. - That's the micro. - Yeah, who do you talk to about micropenus? - I extend to like four and a half. So that's good enough. - All right. - It's good enough. - That's a micro. - That's a micro. - Oh man. - That's fucking gross. - That's me when I work out. - I think I can work out a piece section. - Oh yeah. - What would you guys prefer? - Is your body-- - Your blood? - Yeah, it's hiding it for you. Think you're at a fight. - Yeah, I mean listen, there's a men who suffer from this. It's a horrible, it's horrible. - It's a runny jam. - I mean those tits are fucking rough. - She is sad. - That tits might be worse. - Look at that little doorbell on the side. - Oh my god. - God. - It's not nice to be-- - Ah! - Oh, I feel great. - And someone adjacent to the community's nose. - I may not have a micropenus, but I'm an ally to the community, okay? - See you sing your under average. - I would say under average. - I believe that was one of my tweets. And I, again, these are joke, they're funny. - Nothing wrong with the strong, almost medium. - It's almost medium, it's fun-size. - That's great. - As the greats have said, there's so many jokes about this. Margie, you love these jokes. - I love jokes, that's why I remembered it. - Exactly. - I've always said, and my grandmother used to tell me this, every young Kapoor, she would say, a fat cock can be a real problem. - I've heard this. - Oh. - The girth master. - Nothing is, yeah. It's got trouble. - It's got trouble. - Because nobody really wants that. I mean listen, I can't speak for the masses. I'll be sure the comments will be flooded. But you know what, some sort of ludicrous dick, what are you gonna do with that? It's painful, yeah. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - What? - 'Cause it's good for the media. - Guys like it more. - Guys think that women are sitting around talking about that all day. Obviously if a dick is sort of surprisingly large or small, it's gonna come up. But mostly you don't want some sort of ludicrous dick like that, it's too hard to wrangle. Thank you, I wasn't gonna ask you, but you agree with me. - Wow, I was about that. - See this? - See? - We had to have an honest conversation. - Thank you, it's not like it laid out of it. - I'm agree. - I'm agree. - One time I received a dick pic, and it was so big that I never spoke to him again. - Exactly! - And I'm sorry I sent you that. That was a little terrible, man. - But I had these jokes. - 'Cause I was like, that's, there's no way that we've worked with. - Exactly, is that right? - But good for you, man. - Yeah, I'm touching you, exactly. - I just assumed you all wanted a fire hydrant. - No, it's a probably. - Fire hydrant. - Right, it's a hassle, right? - It's a hassle. - Yeah, it's painful. - I once said the dick pic and it was a head shot of the cabin, that's what I do. - What did you say? There's only so much vagina, you know? - Only so much vagina. - There's something interesting about this. - And Mark's comb through most of it. - That's true. - You have combed through a lot of vagina, Mark. - Oh, yeah. - Before his married days when he was just taking any three-star Uber driver home. - Before and after. - No, but how, how, oh, you remember that? - I do, I remember we were like in Arkansas or something, and like we had like a toothless driver, and Mark was like, eh, he was coming on to, I was like, wow. - I was goofing. - Honestly, I thought, I kind of admired it. I mean, she was, and I mean, this was all due respect. Like, she was ferociously old and pretty heinous. - What did you say? - She was like ferocious. - She didn't have that many teeth, and Mark was like, eh, he was like really working her. - She was five years younger than Rob Reiner. Somewhere like that. - Oh my god. - We're using Rob Reiner as the reference. I know his age. - Why would you use him of all people? - He's in the news. - Oh, he is. - Yeah, don't look it up. - What, Oscar Mom? - I do appreciate it. Not only would Mark, again, this is big cut any of this stuff. - I'm inclusive. - But, yeah, that you were inclusive. And because not only would you hook up with these ladies. - Yes. - In the next day, you'd be like, ah, get, took four hours to get her off. I was down there for a while. - Yeah, at least you know she's got a ride home. - Yeah, she rated me. - Got the car. - Yeah. - Yeah, we had a good time. - What's the oldest you've gone? What's the biggest discrepancy? - Oldest young person. - Like, never carted. It's hard to get the exact age. - No? - But, yeah, I'm trying to think it was a green acreage retirement community. I'm trying to put it together. - No, I think it was probably mid 50s. - Yeah, same. - 58 when I was 30. - Nice. - Yeah, wonderful. - Nice. - They give. - Oh yeah, bro. - I'm a mother, I'm a mother. - My friend's wedding. That was my friend's cousin. - Nice. - Yeah. - What, give us the, what she looked like. - What made you decide to take the old silver? - She was like, she was like four foot 10. And she was like, so petite, a dancer. I like the petite, you know, smaller hands. It's all perspective, and I know the tricks. I know one of the tricks. - Makes sense. - So she's so-- - You should get jerked up by Trump. (laughs) - We big for us. - We big for us. - Why do you like small hands? - We're dancing. - No, we're just dancing in a very good time. - I just realized that. - She was very, yeah. She was very sensual with the dancing. So if we started talking, we didn't hook up that night, but it ended up, she lived in Philly. I was in New York, we made some trips. She used to work at a like a fricking strip club as like the, like the madam or something. - What? - Yeah. - She would have girls. - So was she really-- - She was a former stripper. - So she must have been really good, if she-- - Yeah. - Wow. - Yeah, it was fantastic. She called it the special. She had her thing, she called it the special. That's what we called it the special. - That was the special. - Just, you know, for what she did. - My tonika, tell us. - A blowjob. - Oh, that, but it was not-- - It was not a special blowjob. - Yeah, it was a special blowjob. - What, she took her teeth out? - She, she, she, that's you with the gumber. (laughing) - No, she had her teeth, it was just, I don't know, I'm not gonna, I don't wanna spoil it. - Wow. - Read the book. - Well, at least you saved money on the early bird dinners. - Yeah, there you go. - She's gonna get a call from this later in a couple of months. I listened to a podcast, I got 2,000 views. (laughing) - And you insulted me. - Well, she's happily deceased now. So, that's-- - Are you really? - I'm kidding. - You killed it with your-- - I'm a joke maker. - You were dying to be a nursing home with Cuomo. (laughing) - Do you have a 10-thack funeral? - I don't know. - There you go, Maddie! Put her on the board. - Wow. This is so fun. - What's your oldest, Mark? - I have somewhere around there, probably 62. - I met a woman at a casino in Reno, Nevada when I was like 24, she was probably like 55 or something. - Yeah. - She was hot though. - Yeah, my virginity was good. - Big cans. - 55, yeah. - Yeah. - You're like a mold. - Oh, yeah. - Mark and I bonded over-- - You did, and you always with the cookies and milves. - Yeah. - I was wearing Alice Sam once in his phone range. - I was wearing Alice Sam in his phone range. - Sorry, what's that? - Yeah, I'm-- - I was Alice Sam in his phone range, and it just said on his phone, "older woman Tampa." - Ah! - Is it a rotary? - And I've never felt as bad for a woman in that moment. Like, it could just-- - Older woman Tampa? - That's what I even think about him and following up like she had her own play in her head, but she was nothing, but older woman Tampa just boiled out to that in Sam's mind. - That's the character. That's the character. She was a good woman. But we have to admit, let's-- - God bless you. - Who's got the weirdest name on that? - I put it in February 27th. Both shows sold out, baby. - Anyone want to check it out? - I'm gonna add a night in the new year, but yeah. - No. - Tampa, Tampa's great. - You loved Tampa. - Tampa's good. Good heart-tricken crowd. - I've had many a crush on older women. - Yeah. - It's a very appealing aspect of you. - Oh, nice. - It was better than the other way, right? Women always like when you like older women. - Of course. - Definitely. - But I think if you like an older woman and you keep it tight, it's fucking hot. - Definitely. Agreed. - And they're there. - And there's just a maturity thing. - No, it's not. - They're very grateful. - Well, you're down there, they're like, thank you. And you're moving cobwebs, it's all there. (laughing) - No, they're, they're more secure. They have their own shit, they're more comfortable on their own. - Yeah. - They're not always waiting for you to figure shit out. - No, it's called lose. They've already lost. Hope that's what it is. I can put my finger on it. Yes. Oh, it's past the hope. I love that I find that attractive There's been belief in finding love or anything like that. And I don't go. What are we? Where's this going now? You're gonna call me. Oh you go you're gonna be dead Do the dice boys Mark please see that hip dance. I like to act out on the podcast. That's nice. Yeah, look at those fucking hips Take me to dinner at 5 p.m. Oh Shit up. I was taking you see B-classes over here. He didn't yield We have a drinking I did always I love Nick shit me. She me cucko. Put it hot here. It is hot in here I'm like the did dream take it off. Let's see the seagull The whole time, but I'm like that it's gonna be some memeable And they'll put some old lady music to it too that'll devastate me Yeah, the fuck it's so he's ready for this sweater relief He looks like a peeping Tom this guy You look like a scumbag. Yeah So cute does look like he's like has the eye up to a glory hall of the planet The trench coat guy who does this you look like you would fucking expose yourself. Yeah Clint Howard's body double. Yeah Clint Howard fucking run Jeremy. There you go. Beautiful. Beautiful. So kind to me. How are you Matthew? So you you've been like in love so many times so many times you've always had high girlfriends. I feel that true You're a big you're a good Vagina slayer. I guess I'm a good-looking Joe. Yeah, you are You know, which is nice because Jewish women love Jewish guys Jewish women. I mean it's nice for this day and age mostly stay off certain beaches, but Listen you have to and this is what you do you make the show I'm a perfect guess which you could have had twelve of me I didn't look it's important I've seen somebody's guess you guys get who's one worse than one battle after another with some of these Frank and they'll get started That's how yeah, and now I'm leaving New York and moving L.A. again. What why for the show? You're a runner. I'm a runner I tend to but I'm not ready for family. There's a thing. I'm ready now. He's like Frank Sinatra He's always proposing but he's never fucking close in the deal. You're just I was ready to close. Oh always I was ready to close She didn't trust it. I don't want to get on that. Why didn't you trust it? What is it? Because of her own this option of proposing of her own issues. Where do you mean I'm a I met her on field? I'm ready for a fan. The kinky three, but you know what met me. I love you guys all. What was the kid? You're not wrong. I'm never doing these apps again. What's the dead serious bad dating? I actually I need to meet women in person I always find that in person I there's like a sometimes I see a picture and I'm like not a tractor But in person super attracted to her and vice versa vibe is so much energy so much bare amones Yeah, what was it? What was your kinks feel? It was more hurt kink small dick really? What's the moral that you weren't small enough wasn't small enough? That's something I actually wanted the micro penis See? Under your mouth. No, but it was it was a domination thing. She liked the sub I was great. I got a subset. I like you slice a sub Party party size six butter punished He's a real he's a glove. He's a glove. Is he really does he like a punishing? He like it was a food joke. That's a name Missing every sexual reference here. Yeah, so she wants you wanted to dominate a guy. She she like to be domed You know, oh no, and every woman like well, and then once I started questioning why that's when she started getting defensive You know cuz I have theories around this stuff. You started breaking down her fetish Look about why you like this. Yeah, maybe that's part of the problem now. What does Dom mean tied up a pinching short for Dominic What are we talking about? You're gonna fuck by Dom Guerrero. Yeah What does that mean and give me some specifics? Dominating you hold her down Not against her will with her consent sure. That's the difference. Yeah, you just held her down in life Yeah Looking good a good looking good. You want to explain domination and so you can explain That's not my thing really I just like I don't yeah, I don't want to be like I don't really want to be choked It's I find a little alarming honestly, but yeah, that's a generational Guy to make eye contact with me and a compliment me occasionally That's what look at that. I don't know that's racial is field profiles like just be nice Please don't punch a wall if possible. You don't put a deadener microwave Yeah, that was just real can we please like yeah, let's get some holiday music Good because you don't have to like date 28 times for her to be like I like being dumb did you just come out with it? It comes out with it, but listen, I mean it was honestly my mistake for probably even being on there because I was We're gonna miss or I'll say this Why won't he tell me? I give me people at the freaking dog park now. You know you meet people look at him I don't like he's every day is mad not when you're combing the Some sort of weird kink app. No, you meet him as a dogbar. Look at my mom. I see that I've been at a single person at the dog bar I've had dog for three years. I'm not searching getting gizzed on by dumb What's the move then? What's the move? I think in person is the move. I got to do more podcasts. You know, now you can have you met Maddie Maddie. Hello Hey Okay, is the best we'll take in 2020. Yeah, you better believe it. It's not a great week. No, it's a tricky It's a tricky never a bad week. Never a great Who doesn't love an njb nice Jewish boy? And see the thing about being Jewish the Jewish women love you of course But also the sixes. There isn't appeal. There's a Jewish king. It's true. Yes. No, that is true, right? A lot of girls I could set you up with her if you like. Hey, so I don't know how I feel about that. I don't like a sad I don't yeah, I don't like the word set up is bad. You get set up. Oh And you had a smothering my you have smothering mother. Oh my god. My parents are set up on a blind date at work for them. 44 years happy marriage. I'll tell you what I was single. I went on a J date and I put willing to convert I cleaned up. Holy yeah, that's the move. You're just trying to get closer to Seinfeld Your whole fucking profile, but every girl was like there. I'm thinking of converting That's so hilarious. I don't know like 27. Was that was that a lie that you were willing to convert? Of course, of course, right? I'm not even gonna convert to Christianity. I'm not converting anything Rachel used to Rachel used to ran run my Jewish dating profile and you would just send the most fucking absurd messages to people Oh, yeah, and it was so off the wall that sometimes they would work. Yeah She won't one girl. She's like you and naughty little girl who needs to learn a lesson me a guy who's gonna teach it to you And she wrote back me a comedy booker you a comedian who's doing my show next week Caroline Hirsch I saw her the other day. She's very pretty still looking she's like fucking look amazing. I would she smoke you would Yeah, yeah, same and I don't even need the stage time anymore Damn look at that. She's look at that. She's got a rage for it. She's a beautiful. She's gonna fuck a beautiful Jewess Thank you call back. Thanks for all the fucking spots, Caroline. Yeah, I'm I dick Loose with the goose here. Yeah, no, we love Caroline She's the best man. Oh, yeah, the money lady is a fucking night to that club. Great nights. Remember fucking God What's the bartender's name? Well, I loved yeah, you'd always fucking poor noses man hadons all night They were very tall very strong didn't it come out later that one of the owners was embezzling the entire time I remember him shout out Kenny. We love you still He was always such a fun loving mood The only thing that guy in battle was our heart Yeah, and a lot of money he got a lot of money out of them, but good guy was it Lewis booking Miranda Miranda Lucie and my favorite. Yeah, he's a character walking up to kid you the funniest in New York City walks up to the next coming two feet away Yeah, number one. Yeah, what's the next guy? You're the best you had a lot of notes walked out to a homeless guy in the street You're my favorite comedian. I Want some contest. She's supposed to win like three grand. So I was like hey Lou. Can I get that money? He's like it's not about the money, but the art the art of comedy that's what you're doing for what a while You've heard the story that Louie he like wouldn't book Louie and then Louie finally sold the place out and Lou locked up to him was like here my favorite you're the best and Louie just walked up to him and held a middle finger for like one minute straight and then walked on stage Whoa Damn, we love you Lewis. I love Lou Miranda. I love him. He was always really good does yeah great guy great I always he was he really was good to us. I saw Norm at Caroline's on my 30th birthday. It was the best what year? I think I went to that show in 2014. I was there. Yeah. Yeah What's his face open down and Cain opened when I saw a perfect parent. I know right Colin Cain Remember him? I'd rather think Colin Kaepernick open that show. My red folks. Oh Not Colin Quinn, but I think it was Darryl Hammond. Maybe. Oh, Hammond opened. Maybe I'm conflating. No, I don't know. Maybe not No, that doesn't sound right good show. I was an amazing. Yeah, Norm was the best. It didn't always go over live though I mean, I mean like so I think some people didn't always get it. It was almost too heavy for the room Just his his delivery and his essence. And yeah, I mean, he was obviously brilliant But it didn't he walked people sometimes. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The best. I feel like that too because I remember first seeing Colin and being like I've never seen a smarter person and he wouldn't really be like he calling would even have have a tough set and wouldn't give a shit. I feel like Colin and Norm both have these premises for jokes where, you know, sometimes you hear a joke in your jealous of it, and I'm like, even if I had circled that premise a million times, I would never have fought with that. - Right, I know. - I was nowhere close to coming up with a Colin angle or a Norm angle. They just have these angles on things they would never occur to you. - Yeah, and even when I've had like, oh, this is a great bit, I got a great bit idea. I do it and someone goes, that's a Colin bit. Damn, and he already got to it. He's good. I mean, I have to say, again, to bring it, to get serious here for a second. - Uh-oh. - This is the sentimental portion of the show. It's a pleasure to be here. And, you know, you got, you two guys, and Rachel, I don't know you as well, but I'm a fan of your work, but I came up with these guys. Here's the thing. 2006, 2007, 2008. The open mics, we're doing it. We're doing the pit, we're doing village lantern. The cabin, of course, the great cabin. Sam and I, you weren't doing the sage that much. I don't know what the gym is. - I did a couple of times. - A couple of times? - For all the time. - Okay. - I have videos on YouTube, but you were the mark was on over. - Really? - Yeah. - I mean, you and Pat Dixon. - I blacked out those nights, but you and I, we're doing the sage almost every week. - Wow. - But barking out, getting people in the door. - A lot of handing out flies. - We must have done shows. - No, Mark did I show up. - Yeah, I did a lot. - I mean, we saw each other all the time. We were going out for like a six month period in 2007. And, what I realized, people ask me all the time, you know, oh, you still don't stand up and things, I'm going, you know, I came out, I mentioned these guys. Oh, Sam, Mark, these friends are mine. But what I realized about six months doing it, you know, you guys are hard drinking boys and girls. And late nights, I didn't have the constitution for them. And I couldn't hang with these guys. And frankly, stand up comedy, what I realized, stand up comedy is really hard. - It's really hard. - But it's being really good at stand up. It's really hard. It's hard work. I wasn't quite willing to do at the time. - Sure. - I mean, I found my, you know, talk shows niche and I spun off different ways. - Yeah. - But I always admired everyone who sticks to stand up like that and grinds out. - Yeah, I appreciate it. - And to watch you get to where you are today. Holy moly. - It's a blue collar job. I always say. - It's a beautiful thing. - You got a grind to do that. - It's fun, you're filthy rich. - I can say for myself, I wish that I was one of those people who had like a series of other options. But I mean, this noble choice to like leave it all for the first time. - Yeah. - I had no other skills. I always wanted to be like one of the stories where I was like, I was a doctor. I was like bottom of the ninth, I left med school. - Right. - Because Caroline's call. - Like a Demetri Martin like lawyer. - Like the Gerardo. - Or Gerardo. - Or Gerardo. - No, but you get to a certain age, you're like, this is it. Like I really have to try. - I know, I remember discussing like, like I had gotten, you know, one many, many rejections on the road. And I was just like sobbing in some rancid hotel room and I was talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone. And God bless comics for being just like hilariously honest with you at your darkest hour. I was like, I think I'm just going to quit. And she was like, you have no other skills. There's nothing else you could buy. - Yeah. - Nothing else to offer the work for. - Or make it Uber or something. - Yeah, it's like this or I'm hung in. - I can't drive. - Good boy. - I have a license, but that would be a funny thing as me being a city ass. - Oh. - That would be a fine thing. - That's like Andy Coppin doing the dishes. - Yeah. - That's the version. If Coppin was not, he'd be the, but Rachel, but you could be a writer, right? You can film out. You can spin out to film other things. Other things you do with comedy instead of stand up, right? So the fact's sticking to stand up specifically is the thing. - We had a lot of fun, dude. I mean, Mark and I just love it. - Yeah. - Mark and those early days, we had so much fun drinking and like, you know, meeting the coffee shop. Like, no, it was fun. Same with Rachel. I mean, we had so much fun. Like just, yeah. - Remember that coffee shop in Williamsburg, me and Hanley would write once a week? - Yeah. - That was fun, dude. - That was fun. That was crazy. - That was the cool spot. Yeah. We really worked hard. - Now, we worked hard on bouncing bits and you'd be patient with each other and be like, oh, I think you're trying to say this or like, you let each other cook. It was good. - We were learning how to develop joke. We didn't know how to write. You were just kind of going, you know, improvising. - Yeah, learning your voice and stuff. How many is this funny text you get from Sam? - Oh my god. - Oh my god. - Sam's texts are amazing. - Well, I get it from you, dude. I mean, yeah. - Is this funny? But that's what you, that's, is this funny is like the comedian, like, slogan. - What? - It's where we'll call this show that. - Yeah. - That's a great title, dude. - Is this fun? - Sam is always, it's like, always a series of very Jewish complaints. And he was like, oh, this is a lot. This is a lot of even slept and then it's just like a classic '90s, Nick's moment and it's like, is this funny. And he always pops back into material again. - Yeah, you gotta go back to the jokes. - Yeah. But you guys, I feel like you're right. - But she bounced a bit by me at the cellar last night and then I watched her doing it kill and I was like, I fucking love that. I love it. We're at the bar, just talking jokes. Rachel runs a by me. I was like, oh, that's really good. And then I watched her doing, she added a couple of times a week. That's fucking, that's the best. - Hell yeah. - When you see a comic like, 'cause you know what that means. - Yes. - So them bouncing a joke. I'm doing the joke, the joke killing and then you're like, oh, that's fucking awesome. - Yeah. - You got something. - No, watch the most satisfying thing. - It's great. - I feel like lately, like we both, 'cause I'm the same amount of, I'm always complaining and like, conventing about some horseshit. But I feel like we do, we have a good rhythm of complaining and then writing and then complaining again. But I also remember that when I first met both of you guys, you're both already very funny right away. Always really good comics, good writers right away. But and I remember that Sam, I remember thinking like, oh, like he's some kind of like dark bad boy and then somebody was like, oh, no, he's nice. And then Norman would like say that again, it was pretty much devastate me. And then I remember telling Sam like at night, I'd be like, and then he said this to me and then he told me this and say, I was like, no, he doesn't mean it like that. It's ironic. I remember once, I know and I remember once, that's maybe like Mark fucking likes you. - I know. - You're right. - People think you're an asshole. - Apparently. - No, no, not now. But then I remember Mark, you called me one day. You know every comics always slam each other, but Mark, because he's just a pure comic, he's not thinking about it. I've learned this about him. - Right. - You would say something that would be just too acute, too honest, too specifically devastating. And then I remember like one time you called me, or you messaged me and you were like, and you were like, I, and like I was like, I said something to Mark one day, I think you're going through something and I was like, oh, you should go to therapy. I'm in therapy. It might help or something. And then you did go. And then you messaged me this really lovely, sweet message and you were like, thank you for being a nice friend to me, thank you for being there for me. I knew Alan left go, it's must be behind this somehow, but there's no way. - No, that was all me. - But I was, but I was touched. I was like, oh, that's really sweet. And then after that, I was like, all right. Mark said that. - And they said he's fucking a therapist. - Yeah. - Well, we at Mark and I had so many nights at the subway stop where it was just like, he lived downtown, I lived uptown, and we would just kind of wait at the train. He would just walk. We'd walk to the train, we'd be drunk, talking shit. And then the train would come and Mark would be like, as way for the next train, I'd go, next train. And then the train would come back, let's do one more. And then we'd just shit talk, we bitch about the state of the business, we talk jokes, we do everything. And then we'd be like, all right, we got it all out for the week. We're good. - Yeah. - Now we can just be fucking humans. - Yeah, so you need therapy. - You need it, you need it. - You need to get the shit out. - We'll plug some dates. What do we got? Is this Rachel? - I'll be in Charlotte, Madison, Rochester, Nashville, albeit a mothership in Austin, and Jersey, and a lot of other places. I don't want to list them all in board, everybody, but just follow me at Rachel Feinstein. - Syracuse, Albany, Spokane. - Spokane. - Spokane. - Spokane. - Spokane. - Spokane. - Spokane. - Good Native American name town. - Yeah. - Like the Shots. - There are about to put up mothership next, it's not, I think it's not live yet. - Okay. - Another date for NLA for the Netflix is a joke. - Punchup.live/Rachaelfeinstein/Tickets. - Have you tapped into the Firefighter on- - I was gonna ask about the Firefighter. - Big guy on Netflix. Very funny. Have you tapped into the Firefighter world? - Half of my crowd is all first responder families, so I have to like split the difference of like not repeating Firefighter jokes for people that don't care, and then doing some amount of first responder. They all bring me these like challenge coins, they bring me like presents and like patches and no, it's very touching. But yeah. - My family's third responders. - I can get a Firefighter. - The more they all come out, yeah. - Yeah. - They can take a joke. They're good at it. - Oh, they're the best. - They're great at it. - They can drink too. - Yeah. - So plug the new show, Scott. - The new show is called Savvy. I mean, no, it's not like this. I don't know the name of the show. It's called Tech Savvy. This was Tech Savvy on the Savvy app, which is, I don't know when this episode comes out, but- 20, by February 1st, we should be exiting our beta launch, going five shows a week, 9 PM Eastern time line. - This is the HQ Trivia guys. - This is HQ Trivia coming back, and this is the first podcast- - And this was the biggest show in the fucking country for a minute. - This is the biggest thing. - Yeah, huge. - You were on fire, dude. - Millions of people, and- - And the HQ Trivia doc on HBO. - Yeah. - You're the only person who's a human in it. - It's a documentary about, is that nuts? - Yeah. - I didn't know that. - Yeah. - And I've been hearing stories about you forever from Sam. He always calls me about you. - Yeah. - He's got my own money. - No, no. I mean, let's explain it. - We were all old pals. - Yeah. - In three of us. - And four inches of Jewish deal. - I'm right here. I'm right here. I'm gonna plug my dick. I used to tell people I'm black from the waist down. A black three-year-old. And I'd also say things like, you know, people with the drive cars, sports cars, to compensate for everything. By that logic, I should be driving an 18-wheeler. But my favorite one, well, I'll close up my section with this. You know, my girlfriend and I, we decided to mix things up a little bit, center a dick pick. Moments later, she was rated by the FBI and booked on possession of child pornography. - Awesome. - There you go. - Alright, let's see. - I'll be back in the clubs. I'll open for you. Bring me on the road. Take me. - I don't know. - I don't know. - I don't know if I can fit that hog in my career. - I got it. - I got it. - I'm back in clubs to work out the special Omaha Funny Bone January 8th through 10th. And I'm at the DC and probably I'll probably add a show there. And then we got, I just added a thing in Zany's because that sold out we added Rosemont February 4th. That's the February. Yeah. And then we got a Stanford Connecticut February 12th through 14th. The following we can all be in the Providence Comedy Connection. - Hell yeah. Yep, I then Providence Comedy Connection just started that and then we got I believe both their shows are sold out for Tampa the Tampa theater for my for my special taping and I think I'll add on this I'll add on the 26 so let's fucking taping February 26 Tampa older woman Tampa. I hope I see you there. Yeah, good bucks December one. Yes, punch up dot live slash Mark Norman slash tickets punch up dot live slash Sam Morales slash tickets as well. Same with Rachel play savvy dot live. That's the website play savvy dot live. This is going to be big. I was incredible. Yeah, and it's an invite only right now, but I will extents your listeners and your fans of free invitation. Just use code micro penis that check out. Is there a link they can do it? I believe you see I believe I'm too believable. This is why America loves me at the code. I would do you well. Yeah, or yeah, Mark. Hey, Kansas City. Wait, no, that's already over Des Moines, Iowa. Braia in Irvine County. Come on out LA and then a Ben Dorgon, not bragging. Grand Ron never heard of it. New Brunswick in Jersey. Many brands. Stay off my stage. Say it and tell me about the L.O.L. Tulsa, baby. Never been that Vinnie Brands and the Super Digger Cat is trustworthy. Shout out Vinnie. Hell yeah, Indianapolis Buffalo Helium and hopefully we cancel some of these to film a fucking movie, Mark. I'm happy to we'll see and Portland Maine. Thank you. Maddie, where are you going to be? Stumble in. Oh, that's right. One night. One night. See them, Maddie. Monday night, Saturday day. Nice Saturday day. Stumble in. That's a that's a hell of a workload by some by some bodega cat bodega cat whiskey.com DM the Instagram bodega cat whiskey and Matt will get back to if you want it in your bar, but it's fucking everywhere now. I mean, we're gonna I think we're about to fucking close at shop, right? I mean, we're fucking at this. We're cooking. We're bleeding money. Please, please get us. Oh, I brought gifts. Oh, come on. Speaking of bleeding money, a tampon, tampons for the Tampa tape. No, I have gifts here. I brought two. I don't know how to be beer, but maybe I'll get Rachel. I'll get you a third one. This is another thing that happened this year. A game came out with my face on it. Oh, this will pay the bill. And my voice. This is amazing. I mean, this is called the good news is and boy, oh, boy, you want to know the bad news on the good news is tariffs. They fuck you. The tariffs fucked us. Was this made in China? 15,000 units were ordered by a certain retailer who I will not name. Tarris came along. They canceled the order. 500 stores nationwide are supposed to be featured in that's horror. Now they're sitting in a warehouse in Indiana. Well, they're not selling with your whiskey. Exactly. But they're available $25 shipped on Amazon, which is where they want you to buy it. Okay. It's a great family gift for the holidays. Good news. I'm going to be playing. Yeah. Elliot. I'm going to get batteries. We can make this a drinking game. Let's do it. He's part of the show. He loved it. Thank you guys. Thank you. Love it. Love you guys. Happy Hanukkah, Merry Christmas. Happy New year. You guys are the best. He doesn't mean that Christmas card. And Kwanza. Yes. Celebration of lights. [Music]